Your Baby Is Lame

too soon

2009-10-12T21:44:00.000-07:00

It's October, the month when babies prepare to march around in stupid outfits in a desperate and shameless effort to exploit others for attention and sugar product. Candy is like baby crack cocaine and they will go to deplorable lengths to get their fat, poorly coordinated mitts on it...even by sullying the memory of those who have gone before us.

There is nothing more sickening than babies trying to capitalize upon the death of others, especially in such a careless manner. The hair? Michael Jackson, not Hall from Hall & Oates so in the end the ignorance not only compromises the victims of your exploitation, but your own dignity as well. "Slap on a curly wig, promote animal cruelty and offensive stereotypes, and be rewarded with fun size candy bars"

seems to be the prevailing logic among the babies of today and is our duty, as cool, real, not baby people, to raise awareness of an upcoming dramatic spike in baby lameness. More from the front lines tomorrow.

We're Teething

2009-07-25T13:12:00.000-07:00

BBH8RS, been awhile! So, our reporter at large has been out of the country on a non-baby related assignment--covering Clog America's Summer'09 European tour. They are America's Pro Clogging Troupe and needless to say they whooped ass all over Germany, Austria, Croatia and Slovenia. The Clog America press team accepted the role of Cultural Ambassadors with open arms and took this once in a lifetime opportunity to share the American way of life with those barbarians over in Eurasia.

Our Global correspondents and reported that globally, babies are ill mannered and particularly in Europe, fewer in numbers but more aggressive. Fortunately, they kept their cool and were able to step up and do their civic duty by throwing garbage at local children--turning an annoying situation with an unruly baby into a teachable moment, and a cultural bridge.

In other news, YBIL is migrating over to www.squarespace.com. More on this laters; for now we have some playgrounds to loiter around while wearing utility vests.

BYE 4 NOW!

what, no bluetooth?

2009-06-17T15:51:00.000-07:00

Beloved babywatchdog community, this is a particularly troubling case.

He/she/it looks like the type of baby who would answer their iPhone on the elliptical trainer by saying "yeah" or "talk to me", yap till they're winded 10 min. later, end the conversation with "cc me on that", then troll around the weight room for another half an hour obliviously prodding at the ego affirming touch screen that they paid $500 for before the price was slashed in half 2 weeks later.

Lame babies are LAST year's status symbol. And that ain't even an 3G. Mokay!

Using advanced age progression technology we have determined what this baby will look like in 30 years, and he looks like someone you might want to see attacked by this mofo.

(Thanx to Stuff Nobody Likes for the pic)

the lamest form of flattery?

2009-06-14T19:50:00.001-07:00

Truly, it saddens us to shame-stamp YBIAA, because at the end of the day, it's not about a pissing contest between one baby watching blog (*cough* YBIL) and its rip-off (*sneeze* YBIAA). It's about the lame babies, and empowering them to correct themselves. We cannot allow ourselves to be sidetracked by these petty diversions. That said, we're not here to "come down" on lame-os, both within and outside of the baby community. Remember, what we at YBIL do is out of love and altruism. And selflessness, and generosity of spirit. Not to mention courage. What are we forgetting? Oh, humility.

Circle of Lame

2009-06-14T16:23:00.000-07:00

AH yes: The not at all rare, not noble or majestic Baby Lamus, attention whore genus...most likely of Douche origin. By all accounts we are experiencing a fairly shocking bottleneck phenomenon here. Population control is imperative, people.

ImfuckingPerative. Lame babies are the new rats. Rats caused the bubonic plague, remember, and nearly toppled a once great civilization? We don't think we need to spell this out for you. The hour of spoon feeding is over, frankly, babies.

Baby Tip #468: If you encounter a lame baby in the wild, do not panic or make any sudden movements. Calmly duck behind the nearest bush and shoot them with an arrow dipped in mild tranquilizer, blown through a bamboo shot or tube, then outfit them with an ID tag so that we may begin to collect quantitative data regarding their true numbers, and act accordingly...and fast.

And lion, you've been shame-stamped too, for not doing your civic duty in gently but firmly mauling this young lamester. Again, we do not advocate baby mauling, because this whole thing is a labor of love. A swift sucker punch or wedgie would suffice. If you're not with us, you're against us, Simba, and that's just as lame. LAME!

Jah Lame

2009-06-13T14:09:00.001-07:00

I am almost positive this photo fails to dissuade any negative stereotypes of western society held in the eyes of Rasta culture. I am sure Jah himself would be pretty annoyed at this little bald head and their bald headed parents. Was this a result of a Reasoning sess gone lame? Does anyone else notice the goofus expression emanating off Baby Lamus? Looks like they might have partaken in the Reasoning rotation. What is wrong with parents and babies? (Mostly babies. Let's say 98% babies. Parents are merely the enablers.)

Who's Lazier? Who's Lamer?

2009-05-21T15:59:00.001-07:00

This parent is obviously suffering from one of the following afflictions:

1) rampant jealousy over her baby's inherent - yet still inexcusable - lack of mobility, or
2) indefensible laziness, bested only by her own spawn's indolence.

Either way, this is lame - and both parties have thus been branded by our YBIL shame-sign. Let's accept this for what it is: a creeping trend of sloth that we should together try to stop... while we still can, people.

Attention: Future-Douche Amber Alert

2009-05-21T11:17:00.001-07:00

OK, YBIL-lovers: check out this lil' winner. Yep, the one with the My First D-Bag Training Wheels plastered on his mug.

Gee whiz - those are some mighty fine aviators you've got, kiddo!! Are you headed out on the highway to the danger zone... with a few phonebooks under your bony ass so that you can see over the steering wheel?

Seriously, you should know better than to pick up the awful habits of the late-20's (or early 30's trying to cling to their late 20's) D-bags that probably fathered you one drunken night when they bagged 'that busty chick' by dousing themselves in Axe Body Spray to cover up the stench of loneliness. +2 lame baby points for that smug grimace, too.

We can see that your polo is primed and ready for your collar pop. Don't do it, bucko. And don't pretend like it's only because you think it is 'ironic' or 'absurd'. This is your first and last warning. YBIL has already contacted child protective services, who should be issuing an amber alert to inform the public of this sort of nonsense.

Must be nice.

2009-05-09T15:59:00.000-07:00

Like we said, lame babies can often be found chillaxin at the beach, just generally douching it up in floppy hats, nose zinc, and wraparound shades, etc. Going around harshing people's mellow and whatnot.

But there is a fine line between that and just insensitive and the line was back there, baby. Why is it, that when the rest of us are working eight jobs just to pay the bills, have lost our homes, and are clawing our way out of credit card debt, and/or are battling cancer with no insurance - all at the same time - we have to look at pictures of your lame mug freeloading off our toil- and looking damn pleased with yourself about it?(Seriously. You are the K.Fed of babies. Are you launching a career in lame rapping, too? Is that your scheme? Because it's been done. And it's old.)

There should be a law against this, or at least an intense cultural stigma. Baby, it's time you did some serious soul-searching about how not to pollute our world with hurtful and painful crap such as this. Baby Tip #112: Together as a society, we can shun and marginalize this behavior.

You're Creepin' Me Out Now That You're Pregnant

2009-05-07T10:49:00.000-07:00

Pregnant Women are Smug from Erika Lindhome on Vimeo.

This is an important reminder: while we here at YBIL like to go directly to the perpetrators - namely, the lame babies themselves - we always must keep in mind that it is not entirely their fault.

It's mostly their fault, but not entirely.

As our friends here give voice to, it all starts in the womb. With such mind-melting smugness emanating from these preggers' bellies, we might be surprised to think that any baby is birthed without a shit-eating grin on its face and a hipster's faculty of self-denial on its lips.

Sing it loud, Erika

Don't Harsh My Wave, Brah!

2009-05-05T10:20:00.001-07:00

Oh, we know: life's tough for babies. All that sleeping, eating and general freeloading can really take its toll.All in all, things can get mighty stressful for an infant.

So when life gets too overwhelming, one tends to find babies hittin' up the beach. Of course, we at YBIL think this is a great idea - but you best make sure you are doing things right, and not simply ruining the (warranted) respite of all the other sun-soakers laying in the sand!

Take for instance this perp: an ill-prepared baby trying to go all aggro on these crusty waves. Too bad these waves and this baby in general are a massive Ankle Snapper. Fine... you do your thing Lame Baby - but don't expect us to put down our Danielle Steele page-turner to rescue you after a mean wipeout. Don't say we didn't warn you.

Megalomaniacs R Us, Part 1

2009-05-02T12:35:00.000-07:00

Lies. Lies. Lies.

Cute is one thing--pretty much anything without open weeping sores can be classified as cute. But uncommonly cute? You? Dunno about that. You look pretty much like every single other lame baby we have laid eyes on--nondescript, toothless, and wearing a shirt with a CONCEITED-ass slogan. In fact, there is no way we at YBIL could tell the difference from Your Royal Lameness above and the below lame baby, who, well--see for yourself:
Miso cute? This is not only lame, but RACIST. Dear racist baby: MISO DISGUSTED by your cultural insensitivity.

We have just consulted our Japanese-speaking associate, who verified that the symbol on your shirt is actually the Japanese character for...LAME. Suck on that.

Baby Got a Touch of Swine Flu?

2009-04-28T15:36:00.001-07:00

Baby, don't flatter yourself.

How presumptuous is that, assuming that everyone is just lining up to touch your hands. And why would I then go out of my way to wash my hands before having the privilege of touching yours? Weird. That's like some shit that Madonna might pull. Are we not allowed to make direct eye contact with you, either? You seem like one of those babies who tries to be really "chill", but is actually totally anal. And the bow hat. Aretha pulls it off because she is a REAL diva. Not you, baby. You're just a demanding JERK, and demanding jerks are also...say it all together now...LAME.

Strictly constructive criticism.

Prenancy Doesn't Make You Divine...

2009-03-20T12:13:00.000-07:00

Yeah, we get it - You're pregnant. BIG FUCKING DEAL. It's not like you went to school for three years and had to take some excruciating multi-day certification. It's not like you saved a Golden Retriever puppy from getting run over by a bus load of Norwegian tourists. It's not like you cured macular degeneration. YOU SPREAD YOUR LEGS AND TOOK A MAN-MUSTARD INJECTION... Wow. Way to go. I am amazed you made it through such a mentally and physically demanding challenge that probably lasted all of 45 seconds (either natural or lab-grown.)

And now we are suppose to fawn all over you. We are suppose to act like it's so incredibly difficult to get pregnant, and that you are now this pristine chalice of life -Something that deserves to be worshiped and adored.

Feel sick in the mornings? Do your feet hurt cause they are swelling? Gotta buy new clothes because you are 12 weeks along and have already put on 19 pounds? NOT MY PROBLEM. Do your job like you are suppose to and shut the hell up already.

…Oh btw - Quit using your pregnancy as an excuse to stuff your gullet each and every chance you get. When you proudly stand up at the staff party and announce that "The baby wants" an entire pint of Ben & Jerry's Super Fudge Chunk, a liter of Dr. Pepper, some curly fries THEN TELL THE BABY TO SHUT THE FUCK UP.

Now what exactly do I have to look forward to for the next two or three years..? A constant stream of verbal diarrhea such as "little Bobby went to the toilet and pooped all by himself - But he forgot to wipe and then sat on the floor to pull his pants up! It was so precious, but there was poop everywhere!" or “I'm sorry I'm 40 minutes late, you see I have a four-year-old in potty training and we had an accident." or "I don't feel comfortable doing the speed limit, my baby is only two months old - You can go around." FUCK YOU.

Two years after that and now I'm stuck behind you at the concession stand - And guess what? You feel it's important to empower your child. It doesn't matter that there are nine people behind you, you want little Bobby to make his own choice when it comes to artificially flavored processed movie snacks. By God, Bobby is special. He must be because that’s what all the Nike commercials say. There is only one Bobby and he is different from every other person on this earth. He is special by God, and he will be raised knowing he is special. And now, little Bobby has been standing there with his little index finger in his little mouth, staring at all the choices for the last FULL minute. But you aren't the type of parent to acknowledge the fact that many people are waiting for little Bobby to make up his little mind. You don't say something like "Hurry and choose something or I will choose for you" or even better “Other people are waiting, make up your mind” - Not you. Instead, you turn to the sea of humanity that has formed a marginally cohesive line behind you and look at them with an 'I'm sure you all understand' look. FUCK YOU. You are the same people that just can't put their cell phone conversation on hold for 20 seconds while you order your venti no-whip-half-caff almond latte and spinach croissant - Instead you make eye contact with the waiter and raise that index finger. The index finger which happens to be the international signal for 'I am a socially retarded fuckhead.'

One time I saw an interview with Hootie (of the Blowfish), with his wife. It was a lovely 'What does Hootie and his wife do when he's at home and not packing fans into concerts at 20 or 30% of capacity' piece on some lame ass afternoon news biopic show. Anyway Hootie’s wife starts talking about kids and how they are such a miracle and (now she is actually tearing up) and she just can't understand how anyone wouldn't want to have children and HOW SHE JUST FEELS SORRY FOR THOSE PEOPLE. Oh yes honey, feel sorry for us. Obviously we are emotionally fractured because we don't share the same fervent desire to add our particular goo to this world's collective semen cesspool...

I don't hate children. I hate the parents that think they are entitled because they have children...

(Credit and hearty THX to the unstoppable lame-dar of this visionary)

Stop it. STOP IT NOW.

2009-03-19T15:28:00.000-07:00

How's your blood pressure been lately? Not high enough? Do you find yourself not twitching and shaking with sheer lame-induced fury not nearly as much as you would like? If so, please click here

Warning: You will be assaulted with highly offensive levels of LAME.

Dear River What'sHerFuckFromFelicity, get a haircut and a job you damn hippie. This is a phase, a phase that most of us went through while we were, ya know, teething. That shit is so 5-7 months. Not cute.

And while we're at it I am so not feeling Honor Marie Warren's swagger here. She looks like the type who squeals at her own jokes.

L to the A-M-E. More to come.

Lame Baby Boom

2008-12-12T20:48:00.000-08:00

Okay, Babywatchers, the jig is up. The year 2008 is almost over, and I feel as if we blinked and a year of lame baby critical mass has almost gone unchecked. In the words of anti-baby crusader Jennifer Aniston this is a very UNCOOL reality. Although we at YBIL are all about helpful constructive criticism and giving all babies a fair shake, it is a known fact that lame sperm and lame eggs produce lame babies. And 2008 has been all about lame baby fever. Lame HIGH PROFILE baby fever.

And enough is enough.

Do the names Honor Marie, Bronx Mogwli and Sunday Rose mean anything to you?

We can't let this new crop of lame babies pull this kind of sneaky crap right under our noses.

So hitch up your Huggies Pull-Ups because it's gonna be a year of taking out the trash, YBIL style.

Stay tuned.

does your insurance cover LAME?

2008-10-08T13:36:00.000-07:00

What ad wizards thought this campaign was a good idea? Babies and Life Insurance? What the Fuck? I hope who ever creatively cast this spell on lame adverstising got fired. Did the board meeting discussion sound something like this "Hey boss, what better way to lure potential customers than to use babies making silly faces? Everyone loves babies and silly baby faces!" Wrong, dorkus. This ad does nothing to promote purchasing life insurance. It only reiterates the falsified claim that babies can get away with anything, including lame silly faces and advertising. Oh and by the way Life insurance is just another form of gambling. You pay into a system that doesn't want to you to collect should at one point you or your loved ones need the money in the future.

We've been over this.

2008-09-25T00:23:00.000-07:00

The last thing we need is a bunch of Anne Geddes first round rejects climbing into pots and jumping in front of cameras just to validate their worth as babies. Baby Tip #104: Understated dignity is key. Life is not a free downloadable screensaver from annegeddes.com.

The Gospel of LAME.

2008-08-30T11:37:00.000-07:00

Baby Preacher - watch more funny videos

So the kid's speaking in tongues. Great. La de frickin da. How do you say "ATTENTION WHORE" in ancient Aramaic? The sermon is mediocre at best on style points, but seriously lacks substance. You're no Ted Haggard, baby, and that is a damned lame combination. Eternally damned, potentially. I give this baby 6, 8 months max before a meth scandal blows up in his face. Place your bets now at lamebabywatch@yourbabyislame.com

We here at YBIL are all for promoting religious tolerance, but what we will NOT tolerate is using the pulpit to proselytize the gospel of LAME, non inspiring, non life enriching or affirming, strictly attention whoring shenanigans such as this one. But it is important to remember, babywatchers, that this is not about judging. It is about redemption. This child needs guidance. Patience, babywatchers. God and Godette work in mysterious ways.

Twice as lame in cellophane

2008-07-08T23:05:00.000-07:00

Unlike homemade cookies or aromatherapy candles, lameness is not something that needs to be kept fresh in cellophane. Also babies, I hope you remembered to poke airhols. This is deeply unsafe, and babies, safety is always "in". Dangerous predicaments are always lame, especially when they are self imposed. Why? Because my tax dollars are paying for the fire brigade that will inevitably have to come to save your ass. And the ER visit. Not to mention the lame publicity blitz that follows. So next time you decide to enclose yourself in cellophane just do it on your own time. We suffer from occasional lame induced seizures. Baby Tip #79: Help asphyxiate lameness by being considerate for once.

we are doomed

2008-07-04T18:51:00.000-07:00

"In a future time
Children will work together"

says this cryptic captioneer. What is unspoken but starkly obvious is that these youngsters will be working towards a common goal all right: a common goal of breaking some obscure Guiness world record for number of lameOs crammed into one vacant lot, as evidenced by this convoy of stupid hats and brainless waving at no one particular (baby on the left in the red stroller, I'm looking at you).

Where is this Independence Day parade taking place, the parking lot of a Giant Eagle? Although, in a way, it may be preferable to centralize and isolate these babies in such a manner, so as to more efficiently quarantine and treat the situation.

Baby Tip #59: If you come across a lame baby, please attempt to usher them into a dark corner or onto a remote lot, out of sight, and then contact us immediately.

Lord of the Lame

2008-06-11T22:14:00.000-07:00

Baby, I've seen spicier moves at Mormon wedding receptions. But lame moves nonwithstanding (we can't all move like YBIL officials, after all) it should also be noted that your bastardization of Irish culture is quite offensive to us, on a personal level. In fact your flagrant bastardization of the traditional Irish way is enough to make Michael Flatley blush. You're supposed to keep your arms stiffly AT YOUR SIDES. FYI,

Without that feature you are just flailing around like an imperialistic, borderline sociopathic jerkface.

You know, all of our staff here at YBIL, combined, make almost one whole person of Irish descent, and that cumulative person is feeling fairly culturally marginalized by your brushing off of tradition.

Here's a gift certificate to Bennigan's, lameO. Use it to buy a Blarney Blast, and as you funnel it into your sippy cup, think long and hard about how you have made others feel, and what you have potentially done to civilization.

this is not what marcus garvey had in mind

2007-11-08T20:01:00.000-08:00

is this supposed to be cute?

2007-08-09T16:08:00.000-07:00

YAWN. Big fuckin' whoop. Babies in a nest with a sort of disturbing bunny made of grass. As if you recently hatched out of eggs stamped "LAME." Not to mention the backdrop that looks like some crappy set someone painted for a F-grade high school production of "Into the Woods." Ugh - so tired.

The only thing saving this particular image is the possibility that these lame babies are actually a fresh meal for a fortunate, YBIL-card-carrying megabird that is on its way back to the nest. (Note: YBIL does not condone baby eating... even lame-baby eating. This is only a hypothetical exercise of the mind.) Well, one can dream.

Oh yeah, baby #1 (on the left): Not the best angle for you. Just a little constructive criticism.

lame babies: StarTracker special

2007-08-08T15:50:00.000-07:00

To be fair, avoiding being a lame baby can be a mighty task when you are the spawn of Gwyneth Paltrow and the frontman of one of the lamest bands of all time, Coldplay.

But your efforts up until this point have been meager at best. We know you're probably out to protect your wee eardrums, Apple, but does the word "overkill" mean anything to you?

There is more to being a cool baby than slapping on a pair of hot pink earmuffs that just barely match your Pumas. But no hard feelings. It's for the best that you learn this lesson while you're still in your Twos.