Laugh IT Out

Health Benefits Of Being Overweight

2012-05-30T22:21:00.000+05:30

A new report shows that being overweight is not as harmful as is commonly believed, and actually confers some surprising health benefits.

Being five to ten pounds overweight could protect people from ailments ranging from tuberculosis to Alzheimer's disease, research indicates.

Those carrying 15 to 25 extra pounds are better able to recover from adverse conditions such as emphysema, pneumonia, and various injuries and infections, states the report.

Thirty to forty pounds of flab could help fend off breast, kidney, pancreatic, prostate, and colon cancer. And an extra fifty pounds on the scale may improve eyesight, reverse baldness, cure the common cold, and reduce global warming.

In general, the report concludes, overweight people are happier, more successful in business, smarter, and friendlier.

"This just goes to show that conventional wisdom is wrong," said a spokeswoman for the study group. "Not to mention the hundreds of studies that came before!"

The study was funded by a research grant from McDonald's, Burger King, Jack in the Box, Taco Bell, Domino's Pizza, Starbucks, Haagen Dazs, Sara Lee, and Krispy Kreme.

They Are All Busy

2012-05-30T21:47:00.002+05:30

One day, the phone rang, and a little boy answered

"May I speak to your parents?"
"They're busy."
"Oh. Is anybody else there?"
"The police."
"Can I speak to them?"
"They're busy."
"Oh. Is anybody else there?"
"The firemen."
"Can I speak to them?"
"They're busy."

"So let me get this straight -- your parents, the police, and the firemen are there, but they're all busy? What are they doing?"

"Lookin for me."

Best Wedding Pics I've Ever Seen

2012-05-30T21:35:00.000+05:30

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Cell Phone Etiquette

2012-05-29T22:20:00.001+05:30

After a very busy day, Peggy settled down in her seat and closed her eyes as the train departed Manhattan for the 'burbs.

As the train rolled out of the station, one last passenger jumped on the train and got the last seat — right next to Peggy.

Naturally, he pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice.

"Hi sweetheart, it's Eric! ... I'm on the train — yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting ... No, honey, not with that floozie frrom the accounts office, with the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life — yes, I'm sure, cross my heart," etc., etc.

It was nauseating. And no matter how much Peggy glared at him, cleared her throat, or otherwise tried to express her disapproval over his rudeness, he completely ignored her.

Fifteen minutes later, she got an idea. She leaned in close to him and said in her most sensual, pouty voice aimed right at his phone:

"Hey, Eric, sweetie! Turn off that stupid phone and come back to bed!"

Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.

Easy Credit Available

2012-05-28T21:22:00.001+05:30

Very Special Ring

2012-05-28T21:19:00.003+05:30

A white-haired guy walked into a jeweler's shop one Friday, with a beautiful young blonde on his side.

"I'm looking for a very special ring for my girlfriend," he said.

The jeweler looks through his stock, and takes out an outstanding ring priced at $5,000.

"I don't think you understand," he says. "I want something really unique," says the man.

At that, the excited jeweler goes and gets his special stock from the safe.

"Here's one stunning ring at $45,000," he says, dollar signs in his eyes.

The girl's eyes sparkled, and the customer said that he would take it, adding "I'll pay by check, but of course you and the bank will want to make sure that everything is in order. So I'll write the check, you can phone the bank, and then I'll fetch the ring on Monday."

Monday morning a very angry jeweler phones the man. "You bastard!!! You lied!! There's no money at all in that account!"

"I know," said the man, "Sorry. But can you imagine what a fantastic weekend I had?"

Life Goes On

2012-05-27T15:01:00.000+05:30

You're An Extreme Redneck When

2012-05-26T13:17:00.001+05:30

You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
You’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night..
You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
Someone in your family died right after saying ‘Hey, guys, watch this’.
You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
Your wife’s hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
Your junior prom offered day care.
You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are ‘Gentlemen, start your engines’.
You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
One of your kids was born on a pool table.
You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
You can’t get married to your sweetheart because there’s a law against it.
You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

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Diet Spoon

2012-05-25T11:51:00.001+05:30

This might actually work :)

That's OK

2012-05-22T21:36:00.000+05:30

A cabbie picks up a Nun.

She gets into the cab and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you".

She answers, " My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have,you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes!, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley." The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

No One Invited Me

2012-05-21T21:55:00.000+05:30

Revival

2012-05-20T21:30:00.000+05:30

Bubba goes to the revival and listens to the preacher. After a while, the preacher asks anyone with needs to come forward and be prayed over.

Bubba gets in line and when it's his turn the preacher says, "Bubba, what you want me to pray about? "

Bubba says, "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing."

So the preacher puts one finger in Bubba's ear and the other hand on top of his head and prays a while.

After a few minutes, he removes his hands and says, "Bubba, how's your hearing now?"

Bubba says, "I don't know preacher, it's not until next Wednesday."

Road Sign

2012-05-18T21:53:00.002+05:30

As Clean As It Gets

2012-05-18T21:12:00.003+05:30

A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded rural area of the state he lived in. After spending the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon.

He noticed a film-like substance on his plate and he questioned his grandfather. "Are these plates clean?"

His grandfather replied, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal."

That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate, and a substance that looked like dried egg yolks.

He asked again, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"

Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather said, "I told you before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't ask me about it anymore."

Later that afternoon, he was on his way out to get dinner in a nearby town.

As he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl and wouldn't let him pass.

He said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me out."

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV his grandfather shouted, "COLDWATER, Go lay down!"

Look What I Found !

2012-05-16T01:05:00.001+05:30

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them.
Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that has been pressed in between the pages.

"Momma, look what I found," the boy called out.

"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.

With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered, "It's Adam's suit!!"

What $1 Will Buy ?

2012-05-16T00:54:00.003+05:30

A Drop In An Ocean

2012-05-12T23:25:00.000+05:30

Charity Begins In The Home

2012-05-11T22:47:00.002+05:30

A local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um...no."

"--or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted, "--or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again: "--so if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?!?"

If Patenting Names Are Allowed

2012-05-06T20:14:00.001+05:30

Johnie : Smarter Than Average Kids

2012-05-06T13:11:00.003+05:30

A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asks, "Johnnie! What is your problem?!"

Johnnie says, "I'm too smart for the first grade. My sister's in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade!"

The teacher had had enough. As a result, she took Johnnie to the principal's office and explained Johnnie's request. While Johnnie waited in the outer office, the teacher explained the situation to the principal. The principal told Johnnie's teacher that he would give the boy a test and if Johnnie failed to answer any of the special questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. The teacher agreed.

Johnnie was brought into the room. The principal told Johnnie his terms and Johnnie agreed.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Johnnie: "9"

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Johnnie: "36"

Principal: "What is 9 x 9?"

Johnnie: "81"

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know. Johnnie appeared to have a strong case. The principal looked at the teacher and told her, "I think Johnnie can go on to the third grade."

The teacher, knowing Little Johnnie's tendency toward sexual wisecracks, said to the principal, "Let *me* ask him some questions before we make that decision?" The principal and Johnnie both agreed, Johnnie with a sly look on his face.

The teacher began by asking,

"What does a cow have 4 of that I have only 2 of?"

Johnnie: "Legs."

Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal's eyes open wide! Before he could stop Johnnie's expected answer,

Johnnie said, "Pockets."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "I think we should put Johnnie in the fifth grade. I missed the last

two questions myself!"

Have A Happy Monday

2012-04-30T18:13:00.000+05:30

What Other Think Of Me...

2012-04-28T15:08:00.001+05:30

I'm Not Overweight

2012-04-27T18:08:00.001+05:30

Ever Notice That In Movies ?

2012-04-26T15:37:00.002+05:30

During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman, but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.
It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. Noone will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.
The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
The Chief of Police is always black.
When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from elsewhere in the universe.
Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say:
Enter Password Now.
Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective -- or give him 48 hours to finish the job.
A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK Stadium.
It is not necessary to say hello or good-bye when beginning or ending phone conversations.
Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting, even in the middle of New York City.
If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts -- your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paperclip in seconds -- unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur, will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child.
Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment.
Bad guys can spray machine-gun fire everywhere, never hitting the hero (But hitting the ground and objects nearby) and the hero can hit a bad guy at 100 yards with a five-shot revolver that can fire twenty bullets without reloading.

Breaking Jaws Like A Princess

2012-04-26T15:07:00.000+05:30