Laugh IT Out

You'd Be Proud of Me God

2009-11-08T17:35:00.000+05:30

Dear Heavenly Father,

I think you'd be proud of me! So far today I've done all right. I haven't gossiped, lusted, lost my temper, haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or overindulgent. Praise Your Name! I'm grateful for Your grace...

But Lord, a few minutes from now, I'm getting out of bed... From then on I'm going to need a lot MORE of Your help!

Moral Of The Story

2009-11-08T12:49:00.000+05:30

A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Kathy said, “My father’s a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made
a mess.” “And what’s the moral of the story?” asked the teacher. “Don’t put all your eggs in one basket!” “Very good,” said the teacher.

Next little Lucy raised a hand and said, “Our family are farmers, too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks and the moral to this story is, don’t count your chickens until they’re hatched.” “That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny, do you have a story to share?”

“Yes, ma’am! My daddy told me this story about my Aunt Marge. She was a flight engineer during Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a Machete. So .. she drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn’t break. Then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed 70 of them with the machine gun until it ran out of bullets! Then she killed 20 more with the machete till the blade broke; then she killed the last 10 with her bare hands.” “Good heavens,” said the horrified teacher, “what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?” “Stay away from Aunt Marge when she’s been drinking.”

Stuck In A Library

2009-11-07T12:46:00.000+05:30

“What time does the library open?” the man on the phone asked.
“Nine A.M.” came the reply. “And what’s the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?”

“Not until nine A.M.?” the man asked in a disappointed voice.
“No, not till nine A.M.!” the librarian said. “Why do you want to get in before nine A.M.?”

“Who said I wanted to get in?” the man sighed sadly. “I want to get out.”

Experience Counts

2009-11-06T12:44:00.000+05:30

An old farmer had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back forty, had it fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc. The pond was fixed for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.

One of the women shouted to him, “We’re not coming out until you leave!” The old man replied, “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond, I only came to feed my alligators.” Old age and treachery will triumph over youth and skill every time!

Now Kids Involved In Drunk Driving

2009-11-06T12:34:00.000+05:30

You Are Too Drunk

2009-11-05T12:31:00.000+05:30

An obnoxious drunk stumbles into the front door of a bar and orders a drink, the bartender says,
“No way, buddy, you’re too drunk.”

A few minutes later, the drunk comes in though the bathroom. Again he slurs, “Give me a drink,” and the bartender says, “No, man, I told you last time — you’re too drunk”

Five minutes later the guy comes in though the back door and orders a drink, again the bartender says, “You’re too drunk”

The drunk scratches his head and says “Damn, I must be. The last two places said the same thing!”

How To Determine Sex Of Fish ?

2009-11-04T22:23:00.000+05:30

Missing : Wife And Motorcycle

2009-11-04T12:25:00.000+05:30

A Gift To All Women From God

2009-11-03T19:41:00.000+05:30

Girly Bike

2009-11-02T19:28:00.000+05:30

The 15 Greatest Drinking Quotes

2009-11-02T18:38:00.000+05:30

These aren’t in any particular order but it’s easy to see with four entries in the list the W.C. Fields is by far the best boozer that has lived.

“Alcohol may be man’s worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy.” –Frank Sinatra

“Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising. It was the only exercise I got.” –W. C. Fields

“Here’s to alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.” –Homer Simpson

“You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.” –Dean Martin

“There can’t be good living where there is not good drinking.”–Benjamin Franklin

“I don’t care how liberated this world becomes – a man will always be judged by the amount of alcohol he can consume – and a woman will be impressed, whether she likes it or not.” –Doug Coughlin (Cocktail)

“I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.” –W. C. Fields

“My rule of life prescribed as an absolutely sacred rite smoking cigars and also the drinking of alcohol before, after and if need be during all meals and in the intervals between them.” –Winston Churchill

“Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel shamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn’t drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, “It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.” –Jack Handy

“Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.” –W. C. Fields

“It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.”
–W. C. Fields

“I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. They wake up in the morning and that’s the best they are going to feel all day.” –Frank Sinatra

“You can’t be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline… it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.” –Frank Zappa

“The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.” –Humphrey Bogart

“It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can’t remember if it’s the thirteenth or the fourteenth.” –George Burns

Getting Your Grammar Correct

2009-11-01T16:40:00.000+05:30

A wildlife biology grad student was writing a proposal to get some funding for a mongoose research project. He sat at his computer and typed:

"I will attach radio collars to a pair of mongooses...."

Wait, he thought, that doesn't sound right. So, he backspaced and began again:

"I will attach radio collars to a pair of mongeese...."

Still again, he thought, that just doesn't sound right. He backspaced again, and after thinking for several minutes, he began to type:

"I will attach a radio collar to an adult mongoose. Immediately after the first is attached, I will attach a second collar to another mongoose..."

Things To Ponder

2009-10-30T12:27:00.001+05:30

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
‘I am’ is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that ‘I do’ is the longest sentence?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
What hair colour do they put on the driver’s licences of bald men?
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
No one ever says, ‘It’s only a game’ when their team is winning.
Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea, does that mean that one enjoys it?
Why if you send something by road in a car, it is called a shipment, but when you send it by sea in a ship, it is called cargo?
If a convenience store is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the door?

Fast Food On Farm

2009-10-29T21:02:00.000+05:30

In Case Of Fire

2009-10-28T20:58:00.000+05:30

Polar Bears Just Can't Read

2009-10-28T20:48:00.000+05:30

Funny Mailbox

2009-10-27T20:46:00.000+05:30

Dad The Magician

2009-10-27T16:38:00.000+05:30

What's your father's occupation?" asked the teacher on the first day of the new academic year.

"He's a magician, Ma'am," said the new boy.

"How interesting. What's his favorite trick?"

"He saws people in half."

"Gosh! Now, next question. Any brothers or sisters?"

"One half brother and two half sisters."

Chinese Old Man In England

2009-10-26T17:24:00.000+05:30

An old couple in Shanghai had been chatting online with another couple in the English countryside for years. One day, they agreed to swap residences for a month.

Finding clean air, serenity and little traffic at his destination, the Chinese old man wanted to take full advantage of his new surroundings. He decided to go for a leisurely drive. No more than 15 minutes on the road, his cell phone rang. His wife was on the line.

"Honorable husband, be very careful. I heard on the radio that a man is driving on the wrong side of the road."

"You no talking joke. There are tens and tens of them!"

The Exterminator

2009-10-26T16:31:00.000+05:30

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together, when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

"Quick," said the woman to her lover, "into the closet!" She bundled him in the closet stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" the husband asked the man.

"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.

"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.

"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.

"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards."

Hitler Have A Young Follower

2009-10-25T17:21:00.000+05:30

Chicken Lifestyle

2009-10-24T22:29:00.001+05:30

Whassup ? Why Are You Running ?

2009-10-24T12:41:00.000+05:30

(via I Can Has Cheezeburger)

Necessity Is The Mother Of Invention

2009-10-23T12:37:00.000+05:30

Frozen Ice Cubes. Is There Any Kind ?

2009-10-22T15:42:00.002+05:30