Laugh IT Out

Eat It With Mom's Logic

2012-02-02T18:33:00.002+05:30

First Impression Is The Last Impression

2012-02-02T17:59:00.000+05:30

A young lawyer, starting up his private practice, was very anxious to impress potential clients.

When he saw the first visitor to his office come through the door, he immediately picked up his phone and spoke into it,

" I am sorry, but my workload is so tremendous that I am not going to be able to look into your problem for at least a month. I shall have to get back to you then."

He then turned to the man who had just walked in, and said,
"Now, what can I do for you?"

"Nothing," replied the man. "I am here to hook up your phone."

Leave Excuses

2012-01-31T17:13:00.000+05:30

Need an excuse for not going to work? Please fell free to use any of the excuses listed below. And Employers, please stay out of here. We don't need you knowing how we came up with our latest excuse!

I won't be in today. My fish is sick and I need to take it to the vet.
My neighbor's daughter got a round hair brush stuck in her hair and I need to help her get it out.
I won't be in today because I have come down with Spring Fever.
I fell off a ladder fixing the roof on my house and I landed on my elbow.
I don't think I'll be in work for awhile. Yesterday I was riding my son's BMX bike and I fell and broke my ankle it two places and I'm in the hospital.
I won't be in today. I'm still drunk from last night.
I'm not coming in because I need a mental day.
My car caught on fire on the way to work so I can't make it in.
My car ran out of gas on the way to work. I was pushing it to a gas station and I got a stomach hernia and I have to go to the doctor.
My cat got ran over by a motorcycle and I need to take it to the vet.
Had to be rushed to hospital for coffee burns on my lap be in tomorrow!
I cant come to work today because the city is paving my street and I cant get out!

Real Love

2012-01-30T21:40:00.002+05:30

Beer! And Some Quotes

2012-01-30T17:31:00.002+05:30

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time. --Catherine Zandonella
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.
I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
Beauty lies in the hands of the beerholder.
Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink. --Lady Astor to Winston Churchill. His reply -- Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it.
Work is the curse of the drinking classes. --Oscar Wilde
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. --Henny Youngman
Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
Beer is good food.
It's better to have a beer in hand than gas in tank.
Life is too short to drink cheap beer.
Beer - it's not just for breakfast anymore.
Beer - Nature's laxative.
Beer. If you can't taste it, why bother!
When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer. --Postpetroleum Guzzler, Dave Barry
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. --Dave Barry's Bad Habit's, Dave Barry
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. --Dave Barry
My problem with most althletic challenges is training. I'm lazy and find that workouts cut into my drinking time. --A Wolverine is Eating My Leg
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind. --Humphrey Bogart
Friends don't let friends drink Light Beer.
Adhere to Schweinheitsgebot. Don't put anything in your beer that a pig wouldn't eat. --David Geary
Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine. --David Moulton
People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot. --Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI

Childhood Of A Diplomats

2012-01-29T21:39:00.001+05:30

Will Die But Not This Way

2012-01-28T21:37:00.001+05:30

Spending Quality Time

2012-01-27T21:36:00.002+05:30

Global Warming

2012-01-27T18:50:00.002+05:30

Why Did I Meet Her

2012-01-26T18:48:00.002+05:30

Free Help

2012-01-25T22:56:00.004+05:30

The phone rings at FBI headquarters.

"Hello?"

"Hello, is this FBI?"

"Yes. What do you want?"

"I'm calling to report my neighbor Tom. He is hiding marijuana in his firewood."

"This will be noted."

Next day, the FBI comes over to Tom's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no marijuana, swear at Tom and leave.

The phone rings at Tom's house.

"Hey, Tom! Did the FBI come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yeah they did."

"Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."

Frog Fresh.. oops... Means Farm Fresh

2012-01-25T18:47:00.001+05:30

Soccer Or Counter Strike

2012-01-24T18:45:00.001+05:30

Reason Why Computer Geeks Have A Lot Of Spare Time

2012-01-23T18:43:00.001+05:30

Can't Lose Weight ? Remove Refrigerator Magnets

2012-01-23T12:13:00.003+05:30

Chilled Beer

2012-01-22T18:42:00.002+05:30

Bachelor's Monthly Milestones

2012-01-21T18:40:00.002+05:30

Leave Applications

2012-01-21T18:39:00.002+05:30

Things You'd Love To Say At Work

2012-01-21T16:19:00.000+05:30

I see your point, but I still think you're full of crap.
I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
How about never? Is never good for you?
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...
I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
Do I look like a people person?
This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
I started! out with nothing & still have most of it left.
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
Chaos, panic, & disorder-my work here is done.
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Go Back : We F****D Up Everything

2012-01-21T11:29:00.003+05:30

Recycling

2012-01-21T11:07:00.000+05:30

A gum-chewing American and a Frenchman are sitting together in a restaurant. The American feel really proud to be an American, so he starts a conversation. He asks the Frenchman, "When you eat bread, do you eat all of it?"

"Mais oui!, of course!" responds the Frenchman.

"Well," says the American, "we only eat the soft part of it. The rest we collect in containers, take to a factory and put through a mill. What comes out are little breads that we sell in France.

"And what about steaks?" he continues. "Do you eat all parts of them?"

"Bien sur! We do," replies the Frenchman.

"You don't say!" says the America, grinning. "We don't! We only eat the meaty part of the steak. The greasy part we collect in containers, take to a factory, put through a mill, and what comes out are little steaks that we sell in France."

Now the Frenchman is really riled. So he asks, "And what do Americans do with their used condoms?"

"Hey, we throw them away of course," says the American.

"Ha!" exclaims the Frenchman. "We collect them in containers, take them to a factory and put them through a mill. What comes out is chewing gum that we sell in America!"

Time Really Flies

2012-01-19T19:04:00.001+05:30

You're Growing Older When

2012-01-19T00:27:00.000+05:30

Your kids are becoming you, and you don’t like them. But your grandchildren are perfect!
Going out is good. Coming home is better!
When you needed the discount, you paid full price. Now, you get discounts on everything: movies, hotels, flights, but you don’t feel like going to the trouble.
You forget names, but it’s OK because other people forgot they even know you!!!
The five pounds you wanted to lose is now fifteen and you have a better chance of losing your keys than the fifteen pounds.
You realize you’re never going to be really good at anything, especially golf.
Your husband is counting on you to remember things you don’t remember.
The things you cared to do, you don’t care to do, but you care that you don’t care to do them anymore.
Your husband sleeps better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring than he does in bed. It’s called his “pre-sleep”.
Remember when your mother said, “Wear clean underwear in case you GET in an accident”? Now you bring clean underwear in case you have an accident!
You used to say, “I hope my kids get married.” Now you say, “I hope they stay married!”
You miss the days when everything worked with just an “ON” and “OFF” switch.
You remember when Google, iPod, email, modem were unheard of and a mouse was something that made you climb on a table.
You now use more four-letter words ..”what?”…”when?”
Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it’s not safe to wear it anywhere.
Your husband has a night out with the guys but he’s home by 9:00 P.M. Next week it will be 8:30 P.M.
You read 100 pages into a book before you realize you’ve already read it.
Notice everything they sell in stores is “sleeveless”?
What used to be freckles are now liver spots.
Everybody whispers.
Now that your husband has retired, you’d give anything if he’d find a job!
You have three sizes of clothes in your closet …two of which you will never wear.
But old is good in some things: old songs, old movies and best of all, OLD FRIENDS -if you can remember who they are!

Office Monday To Friday

2012-01-17T00:39:00.000+05:30

Give Me An Excuse That I Haven't Heard Before

2012-01-17T00:13:00.001+05:30

A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the Pacific Highway for a nice evening drive. The top down, breeze blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up. As the needle went over 140 km/h, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

"There's no way they can catch my BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 160, 180.... then the reality of the situation hit him.

"What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car.

"It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and it's Friday. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.