Your Family Should Have a Show

Goodbye to blogspot.com

2012-12-25T07:00:00.000-05:00

Your Family Should Have a Show has moved to its new station.

You can find all new episodes at http://www.yourfamilyshouldhaveashow.com/

While there you can also subscribe via email and get notified when a new post is available.

Thank you for your patience while we make this transition.

- Kire

DreidelBlade

2012-12-24T07:00:00.000-05:00

As the Sdyor family doesn't practice organized religion, because obviously we've gotten it right and don't need to practice anymore, we have a tendency to treat all religious practices with a bit of scepticism and a whole lot of heresy. Not being content with making a mockery of Christian Doctrine we've apparently moved onto one of the other major faiths.

James (Age 10): "Who's in. We're playing dreidel."
Mom: "Where'd you get a dreidel?"
James: "A girl at school gave me one. She also taught me how to play."
Dad: "I'm in. What do we do."
James: "I think you're supposed to have two dreidel and you spin them for the best score."
Olympia (Age 14): "Nice. It's like Beyblade. We should build a stadium."
James: "The symbols on the dreidel are Hebrew numbers and the highest number wins."
Mom: "What did I roll?"
James: "I think that's a two."
Dad: "What's this?"
James: "You rolled a two as well."
Mom: "That can only mean one thing. A dreidel off!"
James: "I rolled a four."
Olympia: "I rolled a two as well. I think your playing with a loaded dreidel!"
James: "Why would I cheat at a game with religious significance!"
Olympia: "You cheat at everything. All I wanted was a little dreidel battle and a nice Kosher meal and this is what it turns into."
Mom: "This is not a Kosher meal. We're eating bacon pizza. I think your being a little dramatic."
Olympia: "Drama is the right of the Jewish American Princess."
Mom: "Your not Jewish."
Olympia: "Don't try to lay your Jewish mother guilt on me."
Mom: "We're not Jewish."
Dad: "Your acting like schmucks."
James: "Oy Vay."

You can learn how to actually play dreidel here: http://www.myjewishlearning.com/holidays/Jewish_Holidays/Hanukkah/At_Home/Dreidel/How_To_Play.shtml
You can learn about Jewish guilt here: http://www.torah.org/features/spirfocus/guilt.html

I Am The Worrier

2012-12-21T07:00:00.000-05:00

If you're truly blessed your children don't have a worry in the world. You would also have to live in an underground bunker and be the only person your child has ever come in contact with. Even then I think they'd worry about why you were the only two people on the earth.

Every child worries to some extent. Some worry about the test they have to take in school. Others are concerned that their parents will find out about the test they took at school and the subsequent bad grade they received. There are those that fret that their elderly grandparents will pass soon or that if they go to a parade a clown will approach them. Normal kid stuff.

Then there are the true worriers. Those that are almost catatonic thinking about asteroids hitting the earth. Gripped with fear over nuclear holocaust. Completely freaked out over clowns. How can they let clowns in parades? I mean really.

Mom: "I've got Pop Tarts for breakfast."
James (Age 10): "No thank you."
Mom: "Your turning down Pop Tarts. Are you feeling sick?"
James: "No. I don't feel good about those Pop Tarts. They worry me. What time is my game on Saturday?"
Mom: "Ten thirty. It's a ten minute ride."
James: "We need to leave by nine. I don't want to be late. We could hit traffic or road construction."
Mom: "I think that's a little soon to worry about that now."
James: "It may not matter. There's a giant asteroid hurtling towards earth and the Mayan calendar ends Friday."
Mom: "Any other cheery thoughts this morning?"
James: "I'm concerned about the Zombie Acropolis."
Mom: "I didn't even know they had zombies in the Acropolis."
James: "I meant apocalypse. The CDC is training people now and we haven't even signed up yet."
Mom: "I think that was meant as a joke."
James: "What kind of sick person would joke about zombies, asteroids, or Pop Tarts?

you can find the zombie prepareadness guide @ http://www.cdc.gov/phpr/zombies.htm
you can see the orbit of 4179 Toutitas @ http://www.space.com/18828-3-mile-long-asteroid-to-fly-by-earth-see-the-orbit.html
you can get your own damn Pop Tarts.

Firestarter

2012-12-19T06:53:00.001-05:00

The term pyrokinesis was coined by the author Stephen King in his novel Firestarter. The word is derived from the Greek pûr meaning "fire" and kinesis meaning "motion". This of course makes no sense since telekinesis is the ability to move things from afar using your mind. The word created should have been "telepyro", which of course is not half as much fun as saying "pyrokinesis". The myth that there are people who can start fires with their mind has been around for centuries and shouldn't be confused with pyromancy or spontaneous combustion, two other really cool words that were coined by people other than Stephen King.

Mom: "Your going to school! I don't want to hear another word about it! Your not sick!. Your just tired, and I'm tired of hearing about it!"
Olympia (Age 14): "Youuu donnn't understaaand. I donnn't feel welll and I cannn't go to schoool."
Mom: "Go sit on the couch. Do not turn that TV on, do not pick up your iPod, do not text anyone. Just sit there and stare out the window at the day passing you by."
Olympia: "Whaaat....everrrr."
crink crink crack crin hmmmm....
Mom: "Kire! I think the printer is on fire!"
Dad: "Move! I killed the power at the surge protector. What did you touch now? "
crink crink crack crin hmmmm....
Dad: "I don't smell smoke. The printer isn't even plugged in. What is that noise?"
crink crink crack crin hmmmm....
Mom: "Oh my God! The telephone pole in front of the house is on fire!"
Dad: "Call 911! The capacitor on the transformer is burning out. We're gonna lose power. For once you didn't start the fire."
Mom: "....Yes, thank you. The Fire Department is on the way and thanks for blaming me."
Dad: "Well, you have a track record of destroying things that run on electricity."
Mom: "Why do we still have power?"
Dad: "It hasn't burned through the power line yet. Olympia, did you see this?"
Olympia: "Look, I was just doing what you told me! Sitting on the couch, staring out the window at the telephone pole! Don't blame me!"
Dad: "Whose blaming you?"
Olympia: "Can I just watch TV?"
Mom: "The power is going to go out any second."
Olympia: "No it isn't. It isn't that big a fire. Look, it's already putting itself out. Where's the TV remote?"
Dad: "Maybe...we should just...leave her alone for a...little while."
Mom: "I'm liking the way you think. I'm going to go change out of these pajamas into something less flammable."

It's a Waiting Game

2012-12-18T07:00:00.000-05:00

There are two kinds of people in this world. There are those that rise in the morning, get washed up, dressed, sit down to a nutritious breakfast, and rush off to meet the day. Then there are those for whom the mere task of pulling back the bed covers is a Herculean effort and opening their eyes is a process that takes longer than boiling an egg.

Dad: "Get up."
Olympia (Age 14): "O.K."
Dad: "Why aren't you up?"
Olympia: "I am up."
Dad: "Laying in bed with your eyes closed does not say up to me."
Olympia: "Where's Mom? Why are you here?"
Dad: "I let your mother sleep late. Get up."
Olympia: "Fine."
Dad: "Why are you taking half the blankets with you? There is nothing having to do with getting out the door that takes place in the living room. Are you seriously going to sit here and turn on the TV? Get up and get dressed".
Olympia: "I will. In another four minutes. I have a system. I'm never late."
Dad: "That's because we're always yelling at you to hurry up, your brother packs your lunch for you, your mother finds your jacket and shoes, you eat a granola bar on the bus and I get text messages from your mother about how insane you make her."
Olympia: "A good system gets everyone involved. My system works perfectly. Now can you move out of the way, my shows on for the next three minutes."

Get the Lead Out

2012-12-17T07:00:00.000-05:00

High speed chases make for great TV but in more cases than not end up injuring innocent bystanders and causing quite a bit of property damage. Police in many states have a policy of not engaging in high speed chases and instead employ tools such as spike strips, which sounds like a dangerous Chinese food dish, but in fact are metal coils draped over the road that blow out tires. In some cases law enforcement will attempt to immobilize the car by the old fashion method of crashing into it. If done correctly by tapping the rear corner of the speeding vehicle with the police cars front bumper the offending vehicle will spin out of control. That's obviously a dangerous maneuver and not usually attempted in congested areas.

James (Age 10): "Come on Grandma. You're driving too slow."
Dad: "I'm driving a little bit over the speed limit. Exactly how fast do you want me to go?"
James: "Get out in the last lane and pass everyone. Mom would. That's why we call her Lead Foot Annie."
Dad: "Your mother can also smile at the nice police officer when she gets pulled over and get off with a warning. When I smile the fine just gets bigger."
James: "So don't pull over. Just keep going. You got a big truck. How are they gonna make you pull over?"
Dad: "I don't see myself being involved in a high speed chase."
James: "That's why we call you Pussy Foot Sdyor."
Dad: "Excuse me?"
James: "I want to be in a high speed chase. I just don't want to be the cause of it."

Psyched

2012-12-14T10:46:00.000-05:00

Wikipedia, the repository for all knowledge in the universe, states that the word psychic comes from the Greek word psychikos, meaning "of the mind." They go on to say a psychic "is a person who claims to have an ability to perceive information hidden from the normal senses through extrasensory perception (ESP), or who is said by others to have such abilities." Since based on this definition anyone who can makes other believe they're psychic are in fact psychic that means that there are potentially a lot of psychics running around.

James (Age 10): "Remember when I turned four."
Dad: "Yeah, I was there."
James: "I really didn't want to. I cried for the whole week before."
Dad: "I don't recall that."
James: "I suffered in silence. That's just my way. In the end though it turned out well, since then I got physic powers."
Dad: "I'm sorry? Did you say psychic powers?"
James: "Yeah. Ever since I turned four I know when the doorbell is going to ring, who's on the phone, and what time the bus is coming by."
Dad: "I'm sure that there are real explanations if in fact you know those things."
Olympia (Age 14): "This is all fascinating but we need to leave if we're going to make the movie on time."
James: "We're not going to see that movie. It's terrible."
Olympia: "How do you know?"
James: "Hello. I'm psychic."

It's Raining, It's Pouring

2012-12-13T08:32:00.001-05:00

I rise early and I'm out of the house before anyone else thinks of waking. I fly off to my Fortress of Solitude to start the day, write what needs to be written, plan what tall building I'm going to leap and wait for the first child to call and ask to be driven to school.

Olympia: "Why do these parents put their kids in plastic bubbles?"
Dad: "Metaphorically speaking?"
Olympia: "No. Actual plastic bubbles. Look, they go over the tops of the carriages like a giant umbrella."
Dad: "I spent your whole childhood yelling at you to take plastic bags off your head. Why you'd encapsulate a child in one is beyond me. I think it sets a bad precedent"
Olympia: "It doesn't seem safe. It's just a little rain."
Dad: "We let your shoes and pant legs get wet all the time as kids and I'm pretty sure your not too traumatized."
Olympia: "No. I can even take a shower without screaming and everything."
Dad: "Then remind me again why you can't wait for the bus in the rain?"

Ay Yai Eye

2012-12-12T07:25:00.002-05:00

If you have children it's imperative that you have a good Pediatrician. In this ever competitive world of health care costs vs. care, a good doctor for your children is one of your best defenses against problems, both physical and mental. The Sdyor children have been lucky enough to have the same doctor going on twenty years. While having this long term relationship with your health care professional is wonderful, it does allow the old adage with familiarity breeds contempt to begin to show itself. A good doctor has the bedside manner to counter even as tough a personality as James (Age 10).

James: "Hey dude."
Dr. Oyveyizmir: "Did you just refer to me as dude?"
James: "Yeah. How you been?"
Dr. Oyveyizmir: "Are you getting shots today 'cause if so, I'm gonna give'm to you myself. None of this let the nurse do it thing."
James: "Man, I hate shots. OW! You got me so revved up about needles that I slapped myself in the eye!"
Dr. Oyveyizmir: "Nurse Ratchet, bring me the biggest syringe we have."
James: "Dude, I mean Doc, can't we talk this over like old friends."
Dr. Oyveyizmir: "Cover one eye and read the third line on the chart on the wall."

James: "Can't you see I've just blinded myself. I'm gonna need a minute here. Whoa!"
Dr. Oyveyizmir: "I guess your eye sight is coming back."
James: "That is one big needle man!"
Dr. Oyveyizmir: "That is one big needle...Doctor."

Christmas Carded

2012-12-11T08:26:00.001-05:00

Christmas cards have been around since the eighteen hundreds. They have been a boon to stationary manufacturers. The first acknowledged Christmas card has a family, including small children, drinking wine. This was considered controversial. Which is perfectly understandable. Nothing worse than a child working ten hours a day in a garment factory coming home and boozing. At the end of the twentieth century portrait studios realized that the family Christmas photo could be turned into a Christmas card. People everywhere were thrilled to receive that photo of your family dressed in matching holiday sweaters, poising awkwardly and smiling like serial killers. Nowadays, with the advent of digital cameras and color printers, you can create your own card. Families everywhere do this with varying degrees of success. Maybe everybody should take their cue from the first Christmas card. A simple gathering of family and a good stiff drink.

Olympia (Age 14): "I'm getting my camera and we're taking Christmas card pictures."
Dad: "I don't think so. Your mother doesn't believe in wasting stamps."
Olympia: "Look at all the cards we've gotten already this year. We are way cuter than most of these families."
Dad: "I don't think a Christmas card is a best looking contest."
Olympia: "Haven't you learned anything? Everything is a best looking contest. Now put down your wine and change into nice clothes. On second thought you take the camera."

You Should Be Dancing...Yeah?

2012-12-10T08:29:00.001-05:00

The modern U.S. Interstate Highway System was, and is, one of the greatest public works projects in history. President Eisenhower signed into law the Federal-Aid Highway Act of 1956 as a way of standardizing all highways. Since the act became a reality the United States has become a nation on the paved road. Unfortunately the system is so crowded with cars and trucks that actually shutting down the highways to repair them is an impossibility.

Ann: "You are the worst driver. We're all over the road."
Kire: "The highway is dancing."
Ann: "That's not funny."
Kire: "Yes it is. Just because you didn't laugh out loud, you know you laughed internally."
Ann: "Get out of the breakdown lane!"
Kire: "This is the way the road is going. They're working on lane four and are using the breakdown lane as a traffic lane."
Ann: "You almost hit the guardrail. It's not funny that your trying to kill us."
Kire: "It's not my fault the guardrail is bent and sticks out into the lane."
Ann: "Why are you swerving?"
Kire: Because when the highway is dancing you've got to dance with it!"

Po(ke) Check

2012-12-07T06:45:00.002-05:00

As I may have mentioned before the Sdyor family is extremely religious. Our chosen religion is hockey. We spend most weeknights and weekends either at the rink or in some form of travel to and from a rink. When we are not actively participating in hockey we are watching it. College, AHL, and NHL. Only this year the NHL has been in a lock out that has stopped all hockey operations. Perhaps you are one of the 3% of Americans who watch hockey and noticed. No?

Dad: "The NHL needs to start playing soon. These guys are starting to self destruct. It says here a Detroit Red Wings draft pick was picked up on drunk driving charges."

Olympia (Age 14): "Who was he? Let me see. Wow, they say it was super drunk driving charges. What do you need to do, be pulled over wearing a red cape and leotards?"

Dad: "Actually it says he was dressed as a Telletubbie."

Olympia: "Shut the front door! Which Telletubbie?"

Dad: "How do I know which Telletubbie? I didn't even realize they had names."

Olympia: "Let me see. Oh kid, really? He was dressed as Tinky Winky. That is so wrong. If your gonna go all super drunk you've got to dress as Po. Not Laa Laa, not Dispy, and most definitely not Tinky Winky. This is the kind of thing that could make the NHL look bad."

Dad: "I think the owners and players union have making the NHL look bad all taken care of."

Olympia: "They should all just dress up as Telletubbies, get super drunk and fight it out. My monies on Po."

Now There's A Hole In the Sky

2012-12-06T05:48:00.002-05:00

Do you remember the late 1980's? Everything was high. Interest rates, divorce rates, and hair styles to name a few. In fact teenage girls hair was so high the ozone layer began to decay. Aerosol cans became evil and were replaced by those little spritz bottles of hairspray. While this helped the environment it destroyed any chance of teenage girls getting anywhere on time. The constant need to manually spray also brought on trigger finger, very similar to the one that is now caused by too much computer mouse clicking. Big hair is coming back and the new low VOC aerosol cans are saving not only the ozone layer but teenage girls hands everywhere. Their hair styling time has yet to get back to 1980's levels.

Kire: "That girl spends more time doing her hair than anyone I have ever met."
Ann: "When I was a teenager it was no different."
Kire: "She needs like a 12 step program for getting off hair products."
Ann: "At least she doesn't do like we did as teenagers and water down the hair spray."
Kire: "You watered down hairspray?"
Ann: "No. We watered down our parents vodka, but the concept is the same."

Deck The What?

2012-12-05T06:56:00.000-05:00

It's time once again for that favorite of pagan rituals, decorating the Christmas tree. Alright, I know that Christmas is a Christian holiday but bringing evergreens into your home during the winter solstice is a pagan tradition. The theory was that even though everything else decayed in the winter the conifers stayed green and therefore must have magical powers. Decorating the tree came from the Romans who hung metal replicas of the fertility god Bacchus on trees in hopes that spring would return. Bacchus was also the god of wine and intoxication. I recommend a box of wine to get through tree trimming. That way you won't run out. Unless you can turn water into wine, in which case Happy Birthday.

James (Age 10): "Deck the Halls with Balls of Holly."
Olympia (Age 14): "That's Boughs of Holly."
James: "That's what I said. Deck my balls with lots of holly. Fa La.. that would hurt a lot."
Olympia: "It's Boughs of Holly!" It's an evergreen branch!"
James: "So they want you to decorate the Christmas tree with more trees? Who writes this stuff?"
Olympia: "It's not deck the tree, it's deck the halls."
James: "Deck my balls their really jolly Fa AH!"
Olympia: "If you don't stop I'm going to deck you. I'll rip out your earrings, put in decoration hooks and hang you from the tree."
James: "As long as you don't make me the star at the top. That would smart."

All Tied Up

2012-12-04T07:00:00.000-05:00

No matter what age you are, there are times when you need your parents. There's a lot of situations to negotiate in life and having the guidance of an adult who has your best interests at heart is a bonus. If your lucky, you'll gain sage advise throughout those interactions that you can then pass on to your own children. That way you can screw them up as badly as your parents screwed you up.

James (Age 10): "I need my dad to tie my skates."
Coach: "I'll tie them for you."
James: "No. I really need my dad. I need to criticize the way he does it."
Coach: "Why don't I just go get him."
James: "I think that'd be best."

Come Together

2012-12-03T07:00:00.000-05:00

If you have the opportunity to put your child on a school bus I highly recommend it. Riding on the big yellow germ machine is one of the most important moments of the day. It's there that children from all grades and backgrounds experience the same sights and sounds. Discussing what they see. Without parental oversight. It's truly where they learn about the world around them.

James (Age 10): "We saw this car accident on the bus today. One of the cars back end was crushed and the hood of the other car was all demented."
Mom: "I think you mean deformed."
James: "No, it was pretty weird looking. The two people were standing in front of the cars talking. We figured they knew each other."
Mom: "I doubt that."
James: "Well at the very least they were closer than they were before."

Hail to the Chief of Trivia

2012-11-29T09:48:00.001-05:00

If your planning a trip to a new city with the family I highly recommend having them get some apps for their iPods that allow them to access data about the city, neighborhood or landmark you may visit. The Sdyor family downloaded an app years ago we call James (Age 10).

James: "Did you know Marine One is the name of the President's helicopter?"
Mom: "I didn't."
James: "Did you know Benjamin Franklin used to like to walk around naked every morning."
Mom: "I'm not sure that's true."
James: "Can you believe George Washington never lived in the White House."

Dad: "That's interesting."

James: "I would love to live in the White House. It has three kitchens, thirty five bathrooms, a bowling alley, foosball, and a hot tub."
Olympia (Age 14): "Are we talking about the White House or the Playboy Mansion."
James: "Franklin would have loved the Playboy Mansion. Do you know he used to like to walk around naked every morning?"

Designer Drop Out

2012-11-28T07:53:00.000-05:00

Here in the U.S. we spent last week being thankful for what we have followed by rushing to the stores to get more stuff that we probably don't need. Alas, the Sdyor family was guilty of this as well. Maybe this week as you make room for more stuff that you'll receive over the holidays you'll remember those who have less. Perhaps you'll give clothes and toys to charity, help serve holiday meals to those less fortunate or donate what you can in cash or time to a philanthropic organization. The small part you play over the holidays could really help someone in need. Unfortunately there will always be some that choose to not live by what our society considers normal and will live life on their own terms.

Ann: "Did you pull my Lancome samples out of the trash?"
Kire: "I don't even know what a Lancome is but I know I haven't pulled anything out of the trash. Why?"
Ann: "I cleaned out my makeup bag and tossed a lot of stuff. Some of it was back on the bathroom counter."
Kire: "Could be you just didn't throw it all in the barrel."
Ann: "No, it's much more likely that your daughter is now picking through the trash and taking out things she wants."
Kire: "You guys have been watching too much Extreme Penny Pincher's."
Ann: "You don't understand. She really needs to stop messing with things that aren't hers."
Kire: "Maybe she has a future pushing a carriage full of her stuff around."
Ann: "I can see her now. The bag lady who lives behind the dumpster at Nordstrom's. Wearing one blue Jimmy Choo and one yellow Prada, a Dolce & Gabbana dress, makeup that makes her look like a clown, pulling all her worldly possessions around in a Tumi on wheels."
Kire: "Your right about one thing. I don't understand. I don't understand teenagers. I don't understand women. I don't understand bag ladies. For that matter I don't understand you. Are you even speaking English right now? What's a Prada Choo Choo?"

The Color of Money... and Stains

2012-11-26T07:55:00.001-05:00

As I may have mentioned before, my wife Ann believes in manners. Strongly believes in manners. I mean, if Ms. Manners was a vigilante who went around and broke kneecaps of those who don't have social graces, you'd begin to understand how much she believes in manners. Although I've failed to master the most basic skills, such as not talking with my mouth full or grabbing food across the table, she has taught me to put a napkin on my lap. Although all this does is catch the food coming out of my mouth as I'm talking after it runs down my shirt. The Sdyor children are a work in progress...

Mom: "James, wipe the ketchup off your face."
James (Age 10): "I'm saving it for later."
Mom: "Wipe. Not with your sleeve!"
James: "I couldn't find my napkin."
Mom: "It's like I'm buying you $20 dollar napkins to wear!"
James: "It's convenient. Besides, $20 is nothing. When I'm rich and famous I'll light my cigars with $100 shirts."

Shades of Gray Friday

2012-11-23T09:44:00.000-05:00

For reasons I don't completely understand the Sdyor children talked me into getting up early and participating in that new American holiday tradition, Black Friday. With small sums of money burning holes in their pockets we hit the mall. I had notions of them buying thoughtful gifts for their mother while she lay tucked comfortably in bed. When am I going to learn that I have no clue what is going on...

Olympia (Age 14) : "Is that a helicopter I hear?"

James (Age 10): "No, that's the roar of Black Friday!"

Brady (Age 20): "If I've got to smack an old lady up to get the last 32" T.V. I will."

Olympia: "You don't need a T.V."

Brady: "I know. I just want to get in a brawl over the last bargain somewhere."

Olympia: "I just tripped over a roll of Justin Beeber Christmas wrapping paper."

Dad: "That so wrong on so many levels."

James: "Check out this wooden bowling ball."

Dad: "Stop throwing that. It's a mannequin's head."

James: "I want that snap back hat at Lids."

Brady: "I want to go to the men's department at Macy's."

Olympia: "Best Buy has the camera I want."

Dad: "Wasn't the purpose of us getting up early to shop for the people on your Christmas lists?"

Brady: "No, I'm here to shop for me."

Olympia: "I'll do my shopping for everyone else next month. I'm spending my birthday money today."

James: "Dad, we only shop for ourselves two times a year. On Black Friday and any other time we go shopping."

what feels like days later...

Brady: "I've seen no real bargains, or brawls."

James: "Shopping is stupid. All you do is walk around and look at stuff."

Olympia: "I'm kind of disappointed. I wanted to see women fighting with ninja swords in the aisles. Maybe we should have gone to Target."

Brady: "All Black Friday has done is make me tired, hungry, and feel poor."

Dad: "Yeah, but I did get that sweet deal on DVD's."

Olympia: "I thought you said we shouldn't shop for ourselves."

Dad: "I know but I was starting to feel left out."

Who's Afraid of the Little Bad Wolf?

2012-11-21T08:14:00.002-05:00

Children grow up too fast. Some take the car before they get their license. Others try underage drinking. A few kill their Uncles and briefly become King of Denmark. Whatever they try to do in order to act like adults is based on their notion of what it takes to be an adult. Unfortunately these days that image seems to be coming from trash TV, hip hop music lyrics, and possibly
old Tex Avery cartoons.

James (Age 10): "Brady I need your social security number."
Brady (Age 20): "Faking a passport?"
James: "No. I want to set up an eHarmony account."
Brady: "Why don't you use your own social security number?"
James: "Um, because I'm ten. I need to use all your personal information to set up the account."
Brady: "Do you think I need a dating service?"
James: "It's not for you. It's for me. That way I can meet older women on-line."
Brady: "I can't condone this."
James: "How about we just go to a strip club."
Brady: "You need to stop. Besides your not old enough to take to a place like that."
James: "How about you take me for my twenty first birthday."
Brady: "I'll be like thirty one. I suppose at that point I could take you, I mean if my wife let's me."
James: "You don't even have a girlfriend and your future wife is already telling you where you can go?"
Brady: "Your right. Screw that. We'll make it rain in that club."
James: "Nice. Now I know your social starts with a zero, you finish it for me."

Just Act Normal and You Won't Get Caught

2012-11-19T06:42:00.000-05:00

Wikipedia, the repository for all knowledge in the universe, states that "more than 1 in 100 adults in the United States are in prison. The United States has less than 5% of the world's population and 23% of the world's prison population." Those are staggering numbers. Don't get me wrong, some people need to be locked up for a good long time but we have created a culture of fear that feeds the prison system. Instead of changing how we deal as a society with petty crime we have instead privatized jails and incentivized court systems to be less lenient with it's citizens.

What's next? If you have criminal tendencies you'll be locked up? Fill out this questionnaire when you go to vote or renew your license. If you score high enough on the new Pusser/Earp criminal attitude test you could be hauled off right then and there...

Ann: "It's pouring out. I can barely see the road."
Kire: "I can't believe the Sheriff's Department still has prisoners cleaning the side of the highway in this rain."
Ann: "Today is not a good day to be prisoner."
Kire: "When exactly is there a good day to be incarcerated?"
Ann: "The day you get out of jail. It's a criminals own fault. They shouldn't have got caught."
Kire: "Don't you mean they shouldn't have committed a crime?"
Ann: "Sure. We'll go with your statement."

The Best Day is The Last Day

2012-11-16T09:43:00.001-05:00

You ever have one of those great days where the weather is just perfect, everything goes your way and your pretty sure the hand of God is guiding you? When a day like that comes around you don't question it. When it happens the balloon of wonderfulness that surrounds you is very thin. It only takes one little prick to pop it...

Mom: "I love this song. I haven't heard it in so long. That's like the third great song in a row. Why are they playing such great music today?"
James (Age 10): "It's the end of the world. They want to play all the great songs one more time before the earth is destroyed."
Mom: "Aren't you just a ray of friggin sunshine."

Driving the Country

2012-11-14T08:02:00.003-05:00

Right now, as I'm writing this, sore losers in twenty different U.S. states are attempting to take their ball and go home. Of course they share their home with millions of other Americans who have no desire or intention to secede from the union. Meanwhile, a new Lincoln bio-pic has been released in theaters. The new film chronicles the last months of the 16th President in office and what it took for one man with a silly hat to repair a fractured nation. "Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it." Let's remember what makes America great. Fifty separate states, "one nation, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all."

James (Age 10): "I'm amazed that you don't have to show your drivers license at the toll booth."
Dad: "Why would we?"
James: "In Europe you need to go through a checkpoint and show your information. Like if you drove from Italy to France."
Dad: "Those are two different countries. Here we have states."
James: "But they're right next to each other. Why don't they just make a country?"
Dad: "That's easier said than done. Even the fifty states in this country have trouble agreeing on things."
James: "Then why do we need a passport to go from New York to Canada?"
Dad: "Because Canada is another country."
James: "Is New York another country?"
Dad: "Some Red Sox fans think so, but no. New York is part of the U.S."
James: "Why don't we just make Canada part of the United States?"
Dad: "I don't think they want to be part of the U.S."
James: "Oh, like Texas."
Dad: "No, Texas is part of the U.S."
James: "Then why are they always talking about that border crossing problem in Texas?"

The Bottom Line

2012-11-12T07:09:00.000-05:00

You ever watch one of those reality television shows where the person won't throw anything away or eats gourmet food from dumpsters or pays for college using only change that has been found in couches? I always thought that these were fabricated stories created to make good TV, good being subjective. Recently I've been feeling these stories might just be exaggerated but have basis in reality, like folk tales or stories told on Fox News. Could be we are creating a culture of hording, cheapskates through television. Of course it could also be a sign of the times...

Olympia (Age 14): "The food here is so good. I'm coming back soon for the breakfast buffet and just asking for a to-go box afterwards."
Dad: "I don't think they allow doggie bags at buffets. Kind of defeats the whole purpose. You could line your jacket pockets with plastic bags and shove food in them to take home like crazy people do."
Olympia: "Don't be ridiculous. You line your pocket book. It holds much more."