“There is no upside to not believing in yourself.” -Brooke Castillo

There’s also no upside to believing people don’t like you.

Byron Katie says: “When you truly love yourself, it’s not possible to project that other people don’t love you. I like to say, “When I walk into a room, I know that everyone in it loves me. I just don’t expect them to realize it yet.” This gets a big laugh from audiences. People seem to be delighted at how easy it is to feel completely loved, and they see, if only for a moment, that it doesn’t depend on anyone outside.”

When we love, we feel loved. It’s got nothing to do with them.

Recently I mentioned experiencing, rather than fighting, negative emotions.

To clarify, I was not suggesting that wallowing in negative emotion is helpful (of course it’s not). What I was referring to is that the first steps of dealing with negative emotions are:

1) Actually feeling the emotion. (This can be very challenging for some people)

2) Not fighting against or trying to ignore the discomfort (which is commonly attempted through behaviors such as overeating, overspending, drinking, etc.).

3) Recognizing the negative emotion as guidance nudging you to examine your thoughts (emotions are always attached to thoughts).

Once you see the thought creating the painful emotion, you’re able to proactively question that thought and decide whether or not to continue to consciously think it.

“The most important lesson I’ve ever learned is that my thoughts are not reality–they are only my story of reality–and that any thought that causes suffering is a lie. That may sound simplistic, but I believe the truth sets us free, and that when our mind-stories coincide with truth, the feeling we have, even in times of sorrow or fear, is one of liberation, deep meaning, and peace.” -Martha Beck

Because I’ve had a lot of experience with depression, I’ve learned to become much better (better–not perfect) at catching negative emotions while they’re smaller–before they’ve snowballed to a point where it can feel impossible to change them.

When I say “catch” negative emotions, I mean having an awareness of the negative emotion, and then finding the thought that the emotion is pointing to.

Once you “see” the thought creating the painful emotion, you’ve tapped into your power. You are the observer, separate from the thought. You can determine whether that thought is serving you and whether you want to continue deliberately thinking it.

But if your negative emotions have already snowballed–if you’re already in that dark place where it can seem impossible to follow the above process, try repeating the following phrase (from A Course in Miracles) to yourself, out loud or silently:

“I am willing to see things differently.”

Keep saying it. Keep thinking it. Let it be your mantra.

Using this as your first replacement thought can bring you a lot of relief and help you get to the place where you can begin again the process of permanently rewriting the negative script playing in your mind.

On Monday I found out more about my Dad’s health.

The past few days I felt like I was breaking open. I thought I’d already done that.

I am quietly stunned by all the times I have been upset over trivial things, or judged someone, or held a grudge. This reminds me of the quote from Jane Fonda I mentioned a few days ago– “The art of growing wise is knowing what to overlook.”

I’m feeling stronger now and yet I also let myself cry as many tears as want to come out. I’m trying to remember not to fight the pain, but to experience it and, as much as possible, release it.

In the moments when by some kind of grace I feel lighter—I embrace it.

Painful thoughts keep coming though, and that’s alright.

I’m doing my best to observe the thoughts, and use the self-coaching model on them. This has never been more vital to me.

I’ve been looking over notes for the past hour trying to find an idea to write about. It’s not working. I have the thought that I could just skip posting today. But it doesn’t feel right. I hear Stephen Pressfield in my ear:

“The amateur, underestimating Resistance’s cunning, permits the flu to keep him from his chapters; he believes the serpent’s voice in his head that says mailing off that manuscript is more important than doing the day’s work. The professional has learned better. He respects Resistance. He knows if he caves in today, no matter how plausible the pretext, he’ll be twice as likely to cave in tomorrow.”

I don’t want to be twice as likely to cave tomorrow, so, like I recently read from one of Ev Bogue‘s daily emails, “I’m hitting publish anyway”.

I was just reading something where the writer was saying that recently her need for belonging wasn’t being met, and then while at a restaurant she ran into a good friend she hadn’t seen in a while, they talked, and she felt much better. (Except, she writes very beautifully and a summary can’t do it justice)

She said “My need for belonging was met, and as I left the restaurant I felt at ease.”

And of course I totally understand what she means. It’s absolutely vital to our well-being that we feel a sense of belonging. And, like everyone, I know how wonderful it feels to think you belong, and how painful it can be to think you don’t.

But that’s the thing—you think the thought “I belong”–or you think the thought “I don’t belong” –and whichever thought you choose to think and believe is what determines how you feel. It is so easy to forget this (I know I do sometimes) and so freeing to remember.

So, she felt better, not because she ran into a good friend, but because this circumstance triggered her to think thoughts which created the emotions of belonging and ease.

Why does the distinction matter?

Because if we give someone or something outside of us the credit for us feeling wonderful, then 1)We will also give them the credit for when we feel awful and 2) We may not recognize that we are responsible for how we feel, always.

To quote Brooke Castillo (I know, I keep quoting her but she’s so brillz it’s hard not to) :

“Belonging is a feeling.
It is something you get to feel whenever you want to feel it.
When you feel like you belong.  You belong.
When you feel like you belong-you think about what you can give-not what you can get.

And then you get everything.”

Lately whenever I come across a quote I really like, I add it to a Google Doc I titled “Inspiration”. This is so ridiculously simple and I wish I’d done it sooner, since I have tons of inspirational stuff I’ve read or heard that is scribbled in notebooks or on index cards and not as easy to find.

Anyway, here are a few quotes from my recent “Inspiration” doc you might like:

“The art of growing wise is knowing what to overlook.” ~Jane Fonda

“To the extent that we choose love, the puniness of our material power is replaced by a power that comes not from us but through us.” ~Martha Beck

“Believe it or not, you really can’t feel other people’s love. You only feel your own. Then you project your own onto other people.” ~Meadow DeVor

“You wouldn’t tell a baby to never expect to walk. Why would you tell yourself that you could achieve only what you’ve already experienced? You are still developing, aren’t you? It’s never “realistic” to deny your miraculous creative impulses. It’s self-annihilating.” ~Tama Kieves

“Life can be much broader once you discover one simple fact: Everything around you that you call life was made up by people that were no smarter than you and you can change it, you can influence it, you can build your own things that other people can use. Once you learn that, you’ll never be the same again.” ~Steve Jobs

“Always the aim for me is making people feel like they are not alone. That’s just the greatest feeling.”  ~Zooey Deschanel
(Okay, I have to dorkily point out that we can never “make” anyone feel anything–each person’s emotions can only come from their own thoughts. But I still really love this quote)

“What you think creates you. Think beautiful.”. ~Michael Taylor

“Your brain needs supervision or it just thinks what’s easy. What’s easiest is what it has thought the most. Make sure that’s a good thing.” ~Brooke Castillo

I was just doing a search on someone who is somewhat well-known on the web, and I came across a really negative post about them.

It’s fascinating to me that as I read the author’s criticisms of this person, I found myself feeling negatively about the author.

Then I remembered this thing I learned from Byron Katie—that whenever we’re judging someone else, in that moment–we are usually doing the same thing we are judging them for.

The author was pointing out the big ego of the person they were writing about. But the only part of us that can recognize the ego in another is the ego in us. It’s that whole (sometimes annoying to remember) you-spot-it-you-got-it thing. So the author was judging the person they were writing about for having a big ego with their (the author’s) big ego –in that moment.

And I was judging the author for being so critical of the person I was looking up. So, in my mind at that moment, I was criticizing the author for criticizing.

Hilarious. And very helpful to notice.

We want them to stop judging, stop criticizing, but it always starts with us.

I’m unsure whether I should write about this. I found out today that my Dad’s cancer has spread to his spine.

I’m trying to remember that the pain I feel about this comes from my thoughts about the circumstance, not the circumstance itself.

My thoughts jump ahead to imagining what it will be like for him to go through the treatment, imagining what it will be like if the treatment doesn’t work, imagining how my mom will handle all of this, wishing this hadn’t happened.

And that’s alright–it’s what our minds do and it’s perfectly natural that I would have these and similar thoughts.

The first step is not fighting against what is. I’ve got some painful thoughts that I’m having trouble replacing–that’s alright.

I’ll get there.

For now I’m remembering “It was always meant to happen this way”. And that helps.

So does keeping this writing commitment.

When I think a thought like “That person is acting like such a jerk” (ahem, the language is usually more interesting than “jerk”), I feel…angry.

This happens to be precisely what I’m thinking and feeling in this moment.

The part of me that is so pissed seems to think that my anger is somehow punishing the other person for being, in my perception, a jerk.

But my anger is not punishing them at all. My anger only punishes me. It makes me feel awful emotionally and physically.

It’s constricting. It turns me into a person I’m not. It stops the natural outpouring of love that would otherwise occur.

Fortunately, I’ve gotten much better at noticing my anger when it’s small enough to turn around fairly quickly. (I said better, not perfect)

I look for the thought that is causing the pain. In this instance, I realize the thought is a little more specific than just that they’re acting like a jerk. More specifically it’s “They’re being mean and they’re doing it on purpose”.

At the deepest level, I don’t think people are ever mean on purpose. Being mean itself is an act of unconsciousness. (Not to mention that “being mean” could be defined very differently by different people, etc.)

But on the surface, yes, a person can choose to be unkind.

And if I want to choose to be happy, I can allow them to be unkind. I can let go of my own resistance, my own pushback to their behavior.

I do this by trying on different thoughts and seeing if I can believe them and if they feel better. (Self-Coaching 101 is one of the best resources on how to do this)

So instead of “They’re being a jerk on purpose”, I’m trying out “They’re being a jerk because it’s the only way they know how to deal with ___.”

Like Maya Angelou says, “If they knew better, they’d do better.” They’re acting this way because of the thoughts that they believe. (Ahh…this last one brings a lot of relief for me right now)

In this instance, these replacement thoughts work for me–I can believe them and they feel much better. These thoughts have helped me become more “willing to see things differently” as Marianne Williamson often quotes from A Course in Miracles.

When I started writing this, I was furious. It’s just a few moments later and I feel…love. For myself, and for the person that my mind was convinced was the cause of my anger.

They never caused my anger. I caused my anger by what I chose to believe. And I caused my relief by choosing to see things differently.

(Gotta share another video from Brooke Castillo and Meadow DeVor–this one is called “What to do when someone misbehaves”—it’s so perfectly relevant to this topic!)

I like this quote and I think there are more options available than the two he mentions (“not doing anything or not caring about the reaction“).

What might be truer to the experience of most of us is that while we do care what other people think about us, we can choose to make what we think about ourselves more important. I once heard Brooke Castillo say:

“I do want them to like me, but I want to like me and I’m not willing to trade that…I must like myself first. I will not sacrifice my own respect for myself to try to get someone else’s.”

Here’s a short video on “How to Deal With Other People’s Opinions” from my teachers Brooke Castillo and Meadow DeVor.