Your jelly

Last Post

noreply@blogger.com (jelly) — Thu, 07 Jan 2010 21:59:00 +0000

Herb and I have broken up.

'Your Jelly' no longer exists, and has reincarnated under another name on collarme.com

If you'd like to contact me, or ask me for my CM profile name, your.jelly@yahoo.co.uk still works and the emails will still reach me.

Have a blessed year ahead

Smallness

noreply@blogger.com (jelly) — Sun, 19 Jul 2009 23:36:00 +0000

Master was helping me sort out my some stuff on Friday and he was speaking very firmly to me over the phone. It was all about vanila things, we were discussing a friend's wedding and whether or not we were attending, and if we were, how were we going to get there. We were also discussing the dates I have to move, and how I was going to get all my stuff out of the room. I haven't really been dealing with these things because we hadn't really talk about it before and its only just starting to get urgent. The wedding is at the end of August and I have to move out in early September, so its still a bit away, but we do need to start thinking about it now.

It was Master's lunch-time call, and he was speaking to me in a very firm and assertive way. I knew he wasn't angry at me, but I did feel like he was semi-reprimanding me just due to his tone. It did feel good that he was taking charge and helping sort through stuff that I needed to deal with, but he was using a tone I'm not very used to and it shook me up a little.

It feels like an adjustment most couples go through, part of learning to be together and relying on each other. It also felt like a deeper adjustment, one that hit a conflict between my submissive self and my normal self. Accepting Master's help felt normal. Not objecting, or talking back, or feeling offended at his tone felt submissive.

His tone, and my accepting all of it, made me feel really small. Needing to ask for his help made me feel really helpless. All of my fierce independence has melted away. My ability to look after myself, one I've always been proud off, has been handed over to Master.

I was so shaken on Friday, I left work early and just sat in a park and cried. I'm not complaining or saying its a bad thing. I really do think this is a good thing and I'm welcoming Master's assertiveness with open arms. It made me feel happy and warm deep inside, but it also shook me up and feel small and helpless and a little frighten. If accepting this little bit of assertiveness from master made me feel this small and this helpless...... how much more adjustment is there to make between 'normal self' and 'submissive self'???

The New Layout

noreply@blogger.com (jelly) — Tue, 14 Jul 2009 20:11:00 +0000

I loved the old layout, but with the shift in the relationship and my increased dependence on him, I felt like the blog needed a layout change. Its was not a conscious decision. The initial browsing of different layouts was the result of my usual procrastination. I'm suppose to be writing a dissertation, but I've barely started.

I wasn't conscious of it before, but looking back, I think the old layout and the new does signify certain changes in the dynamic as I see it. The old layout was like a secret garden. A notepad and a pencil on grass, surrounded by hedges, hidden away from the world. I was writing secret thoughts and keeping them safe in my private secret garden. It was my space, that Herb was more than welcome to visit, but it was essentially mine.

The new layout is more open. It still has leaves in it, red leaves this time, under a dusk sky. Purple and deep red are my favourite colours, so this fits me very well. The leaves signify nature, that what I'm writing about, my submissivness, is a natural part of me. It is red, a different colour from the majority of leaves. That again signifies my submissiveness, that I am different and apart. There are many leaves. I am not alone. I have many brother and sister submissives, but we are all red, all different. The background is the sky, at dusk. There is nothing to hide. My heart is open to my Master. I am no longer hiding, no longer avoiding. I want Master to know everything, to see everything, to read everything, if he so desires. It is dusk because that I write about are events and issues that are most important at dusk. Events which happen when the sun is down and no one but the moon and the stars are watching. Events and feelings which are not meant for the sun, but only for the silvery light of the moon.

Everything I just said about the new layout only came to me now. When I was looking for new backgrounds on Sunday, none of this had occured to me. I just picked what I thought I really like, like how I picked the previous one. I think the artwork I pick suits the occasion, it did the last time and before, and the new one does for me now too.

Spankings

noreply@blogger.com (jelly) — Mon, 13 Jul 2009 07:17:00 +0000

I was really craving some spanking last night. Partly because I was writing on my blog and changing the layout on it earlier in the day, which always makes me thing about Master, and partly because I had just discovered His Kitten's blog and been reading it on and off throughout the day.

When I was in bed waiting for Master's phone call, I started wondering what it was that I crave so much. Did I crave the pain? Not really. I think I'm quite a wimp when it comes to pain. What was it then? Curiosity? That sounds likely.

The few times that I've been spanked, there always came a point when my bum wanted it to stop, but my head didn't. I remember physically trying to get away form the sensation, crawling up the bed. But I wouldn't let myself say anything, for fear that Master would actually stop. I didn't want him to stop, and I did. It's confusing. Master always stopped shortly after that. I'm not sure if it was because I showed more signs of distress than before. I do wonder sometimes how far after that I could 'last' without saying anything.

I cherish every spanking I ever got, since they're so rare. I'm not entirely sure that Master likes doing it either, so I never beg too much for one. I don't want to scare him off. I'm such a wimp with only hand spanking, I have no doubt the use of implements will have me screaming and running. Yet last night, I was looking at pictures and description of the different things available. What with crops and tawses and paddles and dressage whips and belts and floggers. There are so many. I wonder how they feel. I wonder how many I can take. Not many I know. When I read of other subs getting 65 from a paddle, I feel a curiosity. Could I take that many? Probably not. How many will I take then? 5? 10? Would I like it? What about the 'thuddy' vs 'stingy' that everyone else talks about.. what would I prefer?

The incident

noreply@blogger.com (jelly) — Sun, 12 Jul 2009 16:51:00 +0000

I'm not sure if its appropriate to write about what happened last month. I certainly didn't feel like writing about it earlier when it was still raw. I feel ready to write something now.... though I don't know if the words that are about to flow will be a complete picture or just a glimpse.

Both my sisters and my mother were married at 25 or 26. I'm 24, so 26 isn't that far away. Last month, I attended a wedding of a sister's friend. I caught the bridal bouquet. I also had a few conversations with my sister about marriage and weddings and me and Herb's timeline. This sister's timeline was very much dictated by her. She chose her ring(s) and where he would buy it from before her husband proposed. Her venue, dress, date of wedding etc. were also dictated by her. She's always been of the view that if he loved her enough, he'd come to her and follow her.

I grew up in a conflicting household, where my mum and dad did not get along very well. My dad, while not abusive, never gave my mum the respect she deserve. However, he brought us up to be very independent, and to never let anyone treat us the way he treats my mum.

Herb and I aren't engaged, and as far as I know, won't be for a while. Spending a few days with my sister and her children was very enjoyable. I love being auntie. But being immersed in talk of marriage and weddings for a few days also made me dissatisfied with where Herb and I were. Other issues which I never had a problem with before also came up in the talk with my sister.

2 years ago when we had to be apart, I asked Herb for a necklace as a keepsake. In my mind, I was really wishing for a £200-ish Tiffany necklace. He bought me a £800 necklace with a ruby and diamond. I have always been unhappy that he spent so much money on it, but I know that it meant a lot to him. It was an expression of how committed he was to me. I wore it all the time, and I loved it and appreciate it. But while with my sister, that incident came up and I got very dissatisfied over it, even though it happened 2 years ago.

Around the same time, I got increasingly worked up over other small things. I did not like messing around and being called names, a favourite one being "smelly jelly"'. I got over-sensitive over very little things like being encouraged to exercise. I grew very self conscious and sad. I started to think that he wasn't really committed to me. That he didn't take me seriously, and that he didn't take my opinions seriously.

All of the above and other small things got brought up in an email. It was one very very very petty email. Almost everything I was dissatisfied with were small issues. I was nitpicking and being very insensitive to Herb’s feelings. You can see how over-sensitive I got, over very old issues in the June 21^st post. I disrecpected him, his love and his necklace. I was being very self centred and inconsiderate.

I upset him a lot with the email. His responded by saying that since he cannot make me happy, he should leave me.

That devastated me. I never thought he’d say that. I had taken him for granted and grew over-sensitive and insensitive. I begged him not to leave me. I begged and apologised and cried. We were on the phone for hours.

He did not leave me. I’m very very thankful for that. He even came to see me last weekend. We had a lot of fun together, and really reinforced our love for each other. I now have a deep fear of loosing him. I feel so thankful to still have him and his love.

Thank you honey, for keeping me despite my shortcomings. Thank you for loving me and supporting me throughout all these difficult years. Thank you for teaching me a lesson I needed and wrapping your arms around me after that. Thank you for being you.

One more realisation...

noreply@blogger.com (jelly) — Thu, 09 Jul 2009 22:34:00 +0000

I either bruise more easily on my left bum.... or my large mongolian blue spot birthmark on my right bum simply hides bruises too well....

Lessons

noreply@blogger.com (jelly) — Thu, 09 Jul 2009 19:15:00 +0000

It's okay for things to be different from what I want/expect.
What I expect or want, and what I get will very often be two different things. Master decides what I need and what I get, and its OKAY. One example, my fantasies often revolve around being restrained and teased and denied. Sometimes they involve being forced to cum, but its more often the earlier fantasy. It hit me over the weekend that Master enjoys watching me cum, and he enjoys it alot. That's why he never teases me for very long. Before this, I sometimes felt dissatisfied after sex, because I didn't get what I want Even after I've cummed over a dozen times, I used to feel like something was missing, and I didn't enjoy my orgasms as much as I do now.

After realising that Master enjoys my orgasms, they're coming faster, easier, better and more intensely. I enjoy each and every time we have sex. I'm happy after every session. I realise that being forced to cum and not being allowed to cum are really the same things. They're both about giving up control to Master. (And they feel gooooooooooood =)) Its Master who gets to choose when I cum, not me. If he wants me to cum 30 times in one session, that's his perogrative, and its my job to enjoy them and to give them to him. Not to gripe about coming too much, or too little, or not being teased enough.

This realisation may seem like a small one to experience subs, but its really a big thing to me. It doesn't just apply to orgasms, it applies to everything. I'm much happier now because of it.

I love Herb and I can't bear to loose him.
There will always be things in this world I can't have. If I keep harping on them, I will always be unsatisfied, and I'll never be happy. Its much better to appreciate what I have and be happy because of it. To enjoy what we have, the time we had together, and look forward to the time that we will have in the future. I have Herb and I have his love. These two are the most important things to me and my little world and I'll always be happy to have them. I will always always always appreciate him. No matter what happens next, as long as I've got Herb's love, I'll be happy.

Best Behaviour

noreply@blogger.com (jelly) — Tue, 23 Jun 2009 16:08:00 +0000

The last week was a tumultous week. It concluded with our relationship almost ending. I almost lost everything I had and wanted.

That didn't happen, and I'm very very very thankful.

I am going to try my very hardest to be more optimistic, to smile more, and to banish the unnecessary tears. I'm going to be more appreciative, more grateful and more cheerful. I'm going to reduce the complains, the sulks, the tantrums, and the resentment.

I'm not going to stop using my puppy eyes though.

=)

Since you won't talk to me about all this, i'll just talk to myself..

noreply@blogger.com (jelly) — Sun, 21 Jun 2009 09:42:00 +0000

The story you promised you'd edit, but neglected for 5 months..

The job adverts I sent you which you never applied for..

The promise to visit me this weekend, you shouldn't have promised if you couldn't do it.

The promise to care for me... that went down the drain long ago.

The times you made me anticipate cybersex... but left me disappointed and sad..

The times you said you didn't get much time to play games, and made it sound like it was my fault cause you had to come on msn every evening to chat with me.

The times you said you'd do something I wanted, but didn't.

The times you make of fun of something I do, something I eat, something I like....

Why was it so easy for you to buy me a game, but so hard to get music???? Don't you trust me when I say I like something???

I think.... I'm at a mental state where I'm negative and pushing, and I want to stop pushing but I can't. I can't. I want to keep you, I'm terrified of loosing you. But I think I'm loosing you anyway.... and I don't know how to make you stay... all I know how to do is to push...

Please help me keep you. Please help me trust you again...

Where has the passion gone?

noreply@blogger.com (jelly) — Sun, 21 Jun 2009 00:01:00 +0000

noreply@blogger.com (jelly) — Sat, 20 Jun 2009 23:46:00 +0000

This is an old picture.. probably 2-3 years old. I no longer own this knife. A dear friend coveted' it, and I gave it away as a present to him when I left my home country.

It's good that I no longer have this knive. I have a miniature version of it, a Gerber one. Very sharp too. But with a faulty hinge, so it can't be opened/closed too many times before the screw needs undoing and retightening.

I have other knives, but none as alluring as these two. Neither of which I can use. One is no longer mine, and the other is too precious to use. It is for staring at, for admiring its beauty, for grieving in its charming uselessness.

I will not, can not, do not want to descend into this. I will not, can not, do not want to loose everything I have just for temporary relief. I will not, can not, do not want to turn to madness. I will not, can not, must not do this. I cannot promise not to.

Insecurities

noreply@blogger.com (jelly) — Sat, 20 Jun 2009 10:07:00 +0000

Do I smell? He says "Jelly smelly" or "smelly Jelly" 20 times a day.

Does he not like my hair anymore? He used to tell me he likes it long and free, but now he keeps telling me to cut them off....

You're eating too many bourbons.. You shouldn't be skipping breakfast.. No crisps for jelly.. No chocolate for jelly.. Rice... ewww.. Awwww poor jelly no snacks... Jelly should make salad... Jelly should buy nice tomatoes.. Sugar ruins tea.... coffee, yucks... Oreos, yucks.. any sort of biscuits, yucks.... why do you eat them? they're not good for you.

Jelly should go running... jelly should get good running shoes... jelly should time her runs.. what did jelly just say.. she can do 20 press ups?? i don't believe you. what... you can do 200 crunches?? I don't believe you either. i'll make you do them when i'm here... no... i don't believe you when you say you can do them... no, i don't believe you've ever been fit in your life no matter how much you say you trained when you were 15...

Herb will say most of the above was said in humour, and it was (except for the bit about fitness, he really thinks I was a couch potato my whole life). He'll say I'm being oversensitive, and I am. He says he'll tell me when he thinks i'm REALLY doing something bad, or getting REALLY over overweight. In my mind, I believe his humour, and I believe that he doesn't really think I should stop eating all the things I enjoy... now... and I know he'll say something when i'm overdoing something. But with all the little teases and snipes that are already going on now... when I weigh under 49kg (i'm 156cm tall... do the math..) then how can I be sure it won't get worse, it won't hurt more, he won't leave me after 2 kids and i weigh 60kg?

There's a part of me now, who thinks he's not attracted to me anymore, that he doesn't care if he hurts me. That he finds it easier to hide in humour, to tease what I do, than to show that he loves me and he cares for me. His Wii and Xbox are more attractive than me. He'd rather play little king story than cyber, he'd rather play mario than talk. He'd rather read game reviews than read my blog.

I know its not entirely his fault. I cry so much that he feels he can't do anything, so he does other things instead of comfort me. I want to get out of this habit... but its hard, and whenever I feel like I've made some progress and are looking at things in a more optimistic light, something happens and I'm hiding in bed crying for 2 hours again.

I need reassurance, and no amount of msn/skype/phone reassurance is going to do. I miss him so much. There's something wrong with me. Why do I doubt him so much? Is it that I doubt him? or is it that i doubt my own ability to keep him? Why am I pushing away the person I love most??

Lol..

noreply@blogger.com (jelly) — Tue, 16 Jun 2009 21:37:00 +0000

Recently seen on a chat window screen:

Herb: A fly just came into my room
Herb: And i slammed it into the window, mid flight, in my post-run masculine rage

Jelly: lol... herby has post-run masculine rage...
Jelly: whieeeeeeeeeee...

Herb: And little baby fly maggots went all over Herby hand

Jelly: next time herby run with jelly around, jelly surprise him with nice underwear when he come back? :P
Jelly: and let herby post-run masculine rage take over? ;P

Herb: We'll see
Herb: ;)
Herb: I just hate flies, buzzing around, acting all cool

Jelly: lol... ok...
Jelly: if it was something easier to dress up as.. i'd do it...
Jelly: but i'm not gonna dress up as a fly...

Herb: Oh you :P
Herb: Just wear nice undies and get yourself nice and worked up thinking about it ;)

Tagged - 7 things...

noreply@blogger.com (jelly) — Fri, 22 May 2009 09:23:00 +0000

Trinity-Pup tagged me.. and I never say no to a tag.. =)

Rules:

Link to your original tagger and list these rules in your post.
Share 7 facts about yourself in the post
Tag 7 people at the end of your post, leave their names and links to their blogs
Let them know they've been tagged

7 facts about me.. erm....

1. I love rock climbing. Nothing feels better than finishing a challenging climb and the rush of hormones which accompanies it. Everything about climbing feels good, the burn in my muscles, the scrapes and scratches on my skin, the aching muscles the day after. The sense of accomplishment, of doing something I couldn't physically do before, knowing I'm getting better and I'm beating myself every session. It just feels good.

2. I don't socialise very well. It took me two years at the uni I did my undergrad in to settle in. I'm still not really settled into the city I'm in now. It's lonely being 8000 miles away from home.

3. I love musicals. I've watched Les Miserables 3 times, Blood Brothers 2 times, Phantom, Sound of Music, Mary Poppins and a few others I can't remember now..

4. I hate being in a long distance relationship. And that's what my relationship feels like now regardless of the actual distance. It worked better when we were 8000 miles apart. This 200 mile thing wears me down everyday.

5. I'm short. 156 centimetres short. =)

6. I do not 'get' British humour. I grew up watching American pop-ish series and films along with plenty of Asian stuff, and even now I prefer American television to British stuff. I also fall for romantic comedies, action films and most mainstream American productions that a lot of Brits look down on. I also love old disney cartoons, my favourite's Beauty and the Beast.

7. I'd like to have a hooded cloak. A velvet one to go with dresses. A fleece one for indoor house use and picnics. A rugged cotton/canvas one for outdoor and camping use.

Most people I would tag have already been tagged with this, so I'm not going to tag anyone. =) Do feel free to tag yourself if you wish.

waves

noreply@blogger.com (jelly) — Thu, 14 May 2009 14:14:00 +0000

I'm still here, I'm still alive. I have nothing to write about, and not sure if I'll have anything to write about for a while. As this blog was started for me to document my journey into/away from submission.... you would be right to assume that since I have nothing to write about, the journey is going nowhere at the moment.

Again, I have a lot on my mind that I wish I could put down here, but I can't bring myself to. A lot of it just sounds bratty and that's not what I want to let out.

I love the world of blogging and I'm not leaving it. I'll be around, leaving the odd comment on my favourite blogs.

This isn't goodbye, just... 'see you next ime'. If you'd like to contact me, please email your.jelly at yahoo dot co dot uk

Story

noreply@blogger.com (jelly) — Wed, 29 Apr 2009 21:14:00 +0000

29/4/09: I wrote this on 16th January of this year. It's been sitting around, waiting for the grammar to be corrected, and for some major editing. I don't think now that that's ever going to get done. I'm going to post this, the first story I've ever written, in its raw, unedited form. Please pardon the language mistakes. Thank you.

16/1/09:---------------------------------------------------

Note: I am very new at writing fiction. This is written in first person because i find that the easiest point of view to write from, but this is not about me. Please please please leave some comments if you can, good or bad! This is one of the first times I'm writing erotic fiction, so please please please please comment!

Clamps
I come home from work and notice something different about the house. The main lights are off and only a couple of lamps are turned on, just enough to see the way. I take my shoes and coat off, and reach out to turn on the overhead light. A firm "no" reverberates through the still air. I look up and notices Master watching me from the doorway, smiling at my confusion. '"No?" I said. "No," said Master.

He had been there the whole time, I did not notice him earlier because it was dark. I finish taking my outerwear off and walk towards Master, intending to give him a kiss and hug. Before I can reach up to embrace him, he says no again. I look at him in confusion.

"Strip."

I look up and squirm a little. This is very unusual. I am tired and hungry. I want a shower and some food before contemplating sex. I do not feel comfortable stripping in the small hallway, even though it is just us two in the house, I am not used to it. I am in work clothes, and do not feel at all sexy or aroused. Yet Master's quiet demeanor and firm voice ignited something in my belly. Something that makes me hungry in a different way.

"Do I need to say it twice?"

"No," I said quietly. I take my clothes off and fold them neatly to the side. I look at Master, who is fully dressed, and trembled. I feel cold and exposed, even though the heating is on. Master continues staring at me, leaning lazily against the wall with his arm crossed, silent and expecting. I follow my instincts and kneel before him with my thighs open and my hands on my thighs.

Master disappears into the living room, and returns with a box. Inside the box is my collar, and new clamps. 'Do not move,' says Master. He puts the collar around my neck, and locks it with the silver padlock. I shiver and shut my eyes. I feel so exposed, so vulnerable. Master won't have that, he likes seeing the fear in my eyes. He slaps a breast hard, "Who do you belong to?". 'You', I gasped softly. "Then do not hide your eyes from me', he said. I look up into his face, feeling scared but excited, anticipating the feel of the new clamps. Master wastes no time on warming my nipples up. Instead, he flicks them hard, hurting them and making me want to put my hands up and stop him. He knows that, and he stares in my eyes, daring me to defy him, to stop him from hurting me, from using me.

His fingers continue their torture. Flicking my nipples, which produces sharp bursts of pain. Very different to what I knew the clamps would feel like. I whimper and shiver, wishing Master would be gentler, yet thankful at the same time for the attention he is giving me. Satisfied that they were hard enough, Master fastens a clamp to one nipple. It was set so I can barely feel the pinch. 'Oh no', I thought, 'Master has loosened it so he can tighten it gradually, so the pain will feel less initially and he will tighten it more than usual'. I was right. Master tightened it until I grimace, then tightened it that little bit more. I bite my lip and concentrate on not moving my body or my hands. He then repeated the clamping process on the other nipple. I wince and bite my lip, afraid that I would scream if I do not control myself.

Master finish clamping my nipples and asks me if I was hungry. I nod yes. He grins, and says I can have dinner, once he got the last clamp on. I nod and open my legs wider, feeling afraid, but excited. This new set of clamps are joined together with a Y-shaped chain. I have had nipple clamps before, but this is the first time my clit experiences a clamp. Master pulls back the hood, and teases my clit directly for a little bit, making me shriek unintentionally. Master grins and pulls me to him, kissing me hard and forcing his tongue into my mouth all the while rubbing my clit and making my legs shake. 'Are you ready for this?' Master says to me. I nod again. I feel very very frighten, but very aroused and very excited too. He opens the clamp, and lets it close softly over my clit. I gasped. The pain is exquisite. It is sharp and intense, but not too painful. Master asks me if it was okay, and I nod.

Master then helps me to my feet, ocassionally flicking the chains and making them sway, which makes the three points on my body hurt and scream. The clamps work very well to concentrate all sensations on my nipples and clit. Any touch on the chain sends nerve signals coursing through between the three points, and ending in my pussy. My pussy has not been touched and it is now wet and swollen, flowing and eager to be used.

Master leads me to the dining room, which was lighted with candles all around. A faint smell of vanilla permeates the air. 'Wow', I thought internally. This is not my everyday Master. This is Master making a very big effort to set the ambience for the night. The table is set, and Master sits me down at my place. He pushes my knees open and orders me not to close it. He then attaches another chain to the one running down my body and runs that under the table. I wonder what that is for, but figured I will find out eventually. He also chains my ankles to the chair, so I cannot close them.

Master disappears into the kitchen, and returns with two plates. Dinner tonight is smoked mackerel salad, one of my favourite cold dinners! I smile and thank Master for the dinner. He pours us both some wine, and then sits down to eat. I sip some wine and watch Master sit down opposite me. Most of my shyness and embarassment had converted to arousal, and I feel the last of it disappearing with the help of the wine. Master has all the tools he needs to turn me into his slut, and he knows how to use them.

Master smiles at me, then reaches down to the chain running under the table and tugs on it. "Ouch!" That hurts. I stared at Master, a little annoyed that I won't be allowed to eat in peace, as much as eating while nude and cuffed could be considered 'peace'. We started eating. Master tugging at the chain whenever it fancied him, and me gasping and almost spitting my food out whenever it happened. Dinner suddenly feels too long, and the smoked mackerel doesn't taste as delicious as it normally does. All I can think and feel are the pain in my nipples, the tug on my clit, and the growing need of my pussy to be fucked.

I am getting more and more aroused, the constant tugging on my tits and clit increasing my need to orgasm. My pussy is flowing freely, I can feel my juices wetting the seat of the chair and running down my legs. Once we finish dinner, Master unchains me, and leads me to the bedroom using the chain extending from the Y-chain. Master lays me down on the bed and and cuffs my hands together. He then ties my cuffed hands to the headboard,and cuffs ankles to my thighs. I was now fully immobolised, with my legs open and my pussy fully accessible to my Master.

Master leans over and gives me a kiss. He whispers in my ear and tells me I am only allowed to come twice tonight, so I better wait and enjoy it to its fullest. He then tells me he is about to remove the clit clamp. The clit clamp comes off and I almost come from the sensation. It has become oversensitive from all the tugging, and when the clamp came off, the blood flowing in made it swell more than normal. Master started rubbing my clit, making me scream and beg him to stop. He smiles at me and gives me a kiss, then tells me he is going to have 'dessert'.

I groan and squirm and try to move away, but I cannot move at all. He licks my outer labia slowly, teasing me, making me push my hips out. He then moves to my pussy and licks up all the juices, nibbling on my inner lips and making me wish he would put something inside right now. Then he started licking my clit, which makes me beg continuously. He looks up with an evil expression on his face, then goes down again and sucks hard on my clit. I come. I could not help myself. The sensation is more intense than any I have ever felt before. Master looks up again, and says "That's one".

Study study study......

noreply@blogger.com (jelly) — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 20:12:00 +0000

Mina, trinity-pup - thank you for your comments. We had a wonderful time together with lots of snuggles and walks in the warm sunshine.

I've got nothing interesting to write about, and my mind's buried too deep in graduate physics to come up with any fantasies, though the thought of sitting and spending some time coming up with a good story is tempting.

I probably won't be posting for quite a while. Thank you for reading!!

So much to say... yet so little to write...

noreply@blogger.com (jelly) — Tue, 07 Apr 2009 08:18:00 +0000

Herb is visiting tomorrow. It's been 4.5 weeks since I last saw him, and its been 10.5 weeks since he last visited. I'm tired and drained and buried so deep in books and papers I'm not sure I'll be able to let go and relax. I'm really looking forward to his visit.

There are a few things we need (or rather, I need) to happen this visit. We need to snuggle and relax in each other's company, as much as possible. We need to reassure each other than everything will be alright, regardless of the outcome of my degree. We need to sort out oustanding punishments (that infarction I wrote about on February 16 hasn't been dealt with, and any since then). We need some quiet couple time where I stop worrying about my exams and celebrate our 2nd annivesary of being together. And.... if the weather is good.... we need to go and have a picnic!!

There are a lot of other things I dream would happen. But really, they're just fantasies. I don't care if they do.

All I care about is that Herb and I are alright, that our relationship is alright, and that we'll remain alright despite my horrible degree.

I made a wordle!!

noreply@blogger.com (jelly) — Mon, 23 Mar 2009 14:18:00 +0000

Generated at http://www.wordle.net/

Turn around

noreply@blogger.com (jelly) — Mon, 23 Mar 2009 10:52:00 +0000

Things I write here have a way of turning around once they are posted. I wrote about decreasing tantrums/fights and had one two days later. Well... in the last post I wrote about decrease in D/s... and guess what... it increased. LOL. I just hope that it doesn't decrease when this gets posted. *grin*

We had two playtimes last week, once on Thursday and one on Friday. Thursday was with my elise, and Friday.... Friday was amazing. Both times I really felt Master's dominance. He's a pretty good dominant, when he's in the mood. =)

On Friday Master made me do something I don't ever do voluntarily. Master made me tease my clit for what felt like forever, and then he made me fuck myself with my fingers. It felt taboo, it felt naughty, it felt dirty, but gosh did it feel good. It felt absolutely amazing, which really really surprised me.

We made a little discovery on Thursday too. I can't physically hold elise on its highest setting against my clit. The moment it touches my clit at that power, my hips jerk back violently, and the arm holding elise flings out, moving it as far away as I can and I double over. The little discovery amused Master, and after he watched me jerking and doubling over a couple of times, he mentioned tying me down securely, hips and thighs and all, and holding elise against my naked clit. *shivers*. All I can say is... i hope he gags me first. I'm okay at keeping quiet, but not THAT good.

Discoveries are fun, especially if they're discoveries that Master can use against me. I can't wait for our next playtime, and the next time I see him. It'll probably be a couple of weeks time, and I'm hoping we have a few more webcam playtimes before that!

A Step Too Far..... almost..

noreply@blogger.com (jelly) — Thu, 19 Mar 2009 01:49:00 +0000

2 days after writing about a decrease in tantrums, I threw one. A big one. One which, I think, brought Herb closer to the edge than we're comfortable with. But I brought him close, and I even kept pushing, and I asked him, what he would do if I pushed some more, specifically, if I pushed more in the next 6 weeks.

He refused to answer. And rightly so. I should not have taken out my frustrations on him, and especially not in this way. He has told me many times he does not respond to attention-seeking behaviour. Most times, he gets fed up, and it ends there. Tonight, my tantrum got so bad, and I got so snarky that he actually got mad at me. Which strangely enough, made me feel better.

We're tired. I'm tired of this course and the distance, and he's tired the distance, and of the games I play when I get frustrated and take it out on him. Cracks are appearing. We've been having this fight only since this degree. We spent a year 8000 miles apart previously with nothing similar happening. We know the culprit is this course, and we know its going to end soon. But will more cracks appear?

We've managed to seal the cracks up each time with lots of love and comforting words. Some cracks were filled with great sex. They seem to be appearing less often, yet when one does, like tonight, its a lot bigger than the previous ones. How far does Herb's patience run, I wonder. Will the next fight be the last?

I love Herb. I can't loose him. I'm trying my very best but I can't stop these tantrums when they appear. I'm trying to be the best girlfriend I can given the circumstances. I'm trying my best at the course. He's noticed, and he's offered praises. I just hope that my effort is enough to keep us together, because, seriously, I can't stop my tantrums when they happen.

Life would be a lot simpler if we were closer together. Fights would never get this big. Frustrations can be let out before they build.

I'm sorry for turning this blog into yet another angsty relationship blog. Unfortunately there isn't much D/s in my life right now. It all seems to have turned into a little bit of a joke. I don't think Herb takes it seriously, and I'm taking it less and less seriously. I want it, I crave it, but its hard to be serious about it without any form of regularity.

Backseat

noreply@blogger.com (jelly) — Tue, 17 Mar 2009 21:41:00 +0000

The end of the spring term (with its 14 assignments all due in 3 weeks) means everything in my life has taken a back seat to uni work. Visits have been sparce since Christmas anyway, and now everything else is getting sparcer too, including what little D/s we dabbled in.

The last visit was from me to Master's place, which meant little to no D/s. I'm still anticipating my first punishment, which has now been increased to two. But it all feels like its faded into the background now. I still think about D/s - mostly in bed just before I fall asleep, sometimes when I'm daydreaming in uni, but it feels out of reach - far away - background - like a stranger looking through a window.

Strangely enough, our fights seem to have decreased. I seem to have adjusted to the fact that all sorts of things are going to get in the way of how I want my life to be. I've stopped getting moody when I don't get enough attention or domination from Herb. The impossibleness of this degree has got most of my attention now, and I'm very very VERY aware that I HAVE to get through this, or I may well have to give up everything I want, everything I dream off. The only way out is to PASS. The shortest route to Herb's side is to PASS. The shortest route to a job, a home, a family - is to PASS. The shortest route to more D/s is to PASS. EVERYTHING hinges of passing these modules.

That's not to say I'm calmer. My emotions are all over the place. I can burst into tears in a snap. Doesn't matter what I think off. So many things can set me off. My very strong 'missing' for Herb. My lack of hope for passing this course and hence my lack of hope for a happy life. Thinking about how much I have to do to pass and how little time I have. I cried through an entire lecture last week, compulsively drawing circles on my notepad - just thinking about how much I don't understand about what the lecturer was saying, and how much reading I have to do.

Meditation helps, if I do it often enough. But the emotions come back eventually. Concentrating on work helps, the more work I get done, the better I feel about myself. But I do spend quite a bit of time procrastinating still, because I hate this so much.

6 more weeks and it'll all be over. For better or for worse, the exams will be over in 6 weeks. If I get through, it will make me very very very very happy. I have a fabulous summer project arranged and I'm really looking forward to it. If I fail, that means no summer project, no graduation, packing to go home, flying 8000 miles away from Herb, AGAIN. I don't know if I will handle that. I don't how I lived through that a year ago. I don't think I can do it again.

Strange flashes

noreply@blogger.com (jelly) — Thu, 12 Mar 2009 18:14:00 +0000

I finished one assignment yesterday, only to be given another one today.

I feel tired and drained, so I try to have a nap.

Instead of sleep, I spend an hour in bed with strange scenes of pain flashing through my head.

In pain, under the hands of an anonymous man, being tested - slapped, spanked, whipped, tied up, teased, forced to orgasm, yet refusing to submit, refusing to give anyone my love except Herb. Answering all his questions by screaming 'Herb is my Master' and 'Herb is my lover'. Breaking down - sobbing - crying - curling in a corner repeating 'I want my Herbie'.

On my knees, giving Herb a blowjob, his hands in my head, pulling, maneuvering, hurting me, him coming on my face, and then he tells me to clean up and go to bed.

In my room, feet tied apart, bent over my bed with my hands taped behind me - waiting for spanks.

Half asleep - arms suddenly pulled and bound behind me - nipples pinched hard - dirty whisperings in my ear.

I dream of pain. I think this is my mind's way of externalising the pain of being apart. I don't want any of this pain. I want my Herbie. I want lots of snuggles. I want to rest my head on his chest without any waiting train tickets, any waiting bus rides. I miss my Herbie =(

46 hours

noreply@blogger.com (jelly) — Mon, 09 Mar 2009 09:11:00 +0000

It was nice, it was sweet. Lots of cuddling and a bit too much crying (from me). The weekend was short and sweet (too short!). Nothing much to write about. =) Next time I see him will probably be in 4 weeks time. =(

I'm going to crawl into my little cubicle of a room, and lock myself in to finish all the assignments I have for this term. There're only 3 terms of teaching left, and I have about 6 datelines!! Probably not gonna post for a while. Sorry!

One Day More!!

noreply@blogger.com (jelly) — Thu, 05 Mar 2009 21:34:00 +0000

In 23 hours I'll be in Herb's arms. In 23 hours I can forget about uni for 46 or so hours. It won't be enough, but it'll have to do. =)