As much as we would like to have relationships that are always trouble-free few of us do. The fact is that life happens to us no matter how hard we try to make things seem like a fantasy world.  We are humans and humans make mistakes.  Sometimes our problems stem from things that are seemingly out of our control, such as the loss of work.  Other times a relationship may face the difficulty of working through the heartache of one partner having an affair.

During such times itis very easy to blame each other.  Guilt and blame are common and natural responses when there are problems.  When we can make someone else responsible for the troubles we are dealing with it relieves us of any fault or guilt.  Therefore, we are free to display our emotions as anger rather than feelings of hurt, disappointment, frustration, desperation, or any other emotion that may be less desirable than anger.

There is a reason that this can be therapeutic for the individual.  When you consider the emotions listed above you can see that anger is a more advantageous sensation because it allows you to feel stronger than the other emotions allow.  But if the anger is misdirected it can damage your relationship beyond repair.

During troubled times, ideally the two of you will find strength in each other. This is usually possible if the relationship has a strong foundation. The truth is that solid relationships can often survive financial difficulties, a disloyal partner, or any number of problems, as long as the couple works through the difficulties together.

The first step is acknowledging that there is a problem. Then the couple will need to openly discuss how the issue makes them feel.  For example, if a couple is facing bankruptcy they are probably afraid of what the future might bring.  If a partner had an affair there is probably a lot of hurt and distrust.  Talking about the situation is important so that each partner understands how the other feels.  It should also be understood that there will be days when things will seem worse than other days.

W0rk out a plan of attack for those bad days.  A simple idea for the couple that has financial problems could be that they go for a walk in the park or spend time together doing some favorite hobby.  Maybe they enjoy watching old movies and eating popcorn.  Whatever it is that generally makes them happy and thatwill take their mind off their troubles is good.

The point is to rejoice in the fact that even during hard times you have a deep-seated love that will get you through together.  Working together as a team, as partners to get through the rough times helps to build new bonds.  And when it’s all over, your relationship will be even stronger.

Your Life After 50

Dale and I hope that everyone in the US had a good holiday weekend. We did something different and went camping with our dogs, Jack and Jill,  on the motorcycles. The weather was absolutely gorgeous, the dogs behaved but one of the motorcycles had electrical issues so we came home a little early.

Traveling with the dogs strapped to the back of the motorcycle trailer may seem strange but they didn't complain once…However, I'm not sure we will try it again. It is difficult as someone has to be with them all of the time so we can't do much together. You also run in and get fast food as you can't take them into a restaurant and we can't leave them in the crate on the trailer as they might get too hot and someone is sure to report us, if they think the dogs are too hot.

We did have a good time and it was good preparation for our Lake Superior trip in August.  Again, we hope you had a great 4th of July.  Remember that there are many who sacrificed all so that we can have the freedom we have available to us.

Relationship Tip:

No Jealousy Allowed

To have a healthy relationship, caring and concern are fine but when those emotions change into jealousy, this could be the beginning of trouble.  Trust is probably the number one element needed in order to have a strong relationship.  Without trust, things will quickly deteriorate.

If one of you masters something special, receives a promotion at work, or achieves some great feat, there could be a small spark of jealousy on the other personÕs side.  You need to talk about this and ensure that any feelings of inadequacies are permanently put to rest.  Every person needs assurance at some time or another and as long as you can communicate, things will be fine.

However, if your mate becomes withdrawn or irritated, these could be signs that more is going on.  Once jealousy enters a relationship, problems are soon to follow.

Romance Tip

Go to the drive in but instead of sitting in the car, spread a picnic blanket on the ground.  Light a candle and buy popcorn.  Cuddle your partner and enjoy the film.

They probably try to avoid that person as much as possible.  Whether it’s you or someone else who is constantly complaining, what can be done to correct it and get back to positive living?

Complaining is a bad habit.  A habit, whether good or bad, is an urge to adopt that action no matter what the consequences.  The more you feed the habit the more it will take control of your life and the harder it is to kick.

Complaining typically stems from negative thoughts you’ve created.  You realize you’re the cause of your thoughts so you blame yourself and vent it with complaining.

Refuse to let those negative thoughts become you.  We become what we think just like we become what we eat, drink or do.

If we put good into our body and mind then good will come out.  Conversely, if we put bad things into our body and mind such as drugs and negative thoughts then bad will come out.  It’s inevitable and it’s up to you to correct. Negative thinking and complaining can be just as addictive as a drug.  Whatever your mind is used to thinking that’s what it craves.

Admit you have negative thoughts and that you are their creator.  Realize too that these thoughts lead only to more negativity and more addiction.  You know what you’re doing but can’t help yourself until you admit to your problem and let it go.

Relax and let your negative thoughts disappear.  It may take a while but it can be done and when negative thinking is stopped so will your complaining.  You didn’t become what you are overnight and you can’t expect to become what you desire overnight either.  If that were the case we would all be perfect in mind and body.  It’s a fight that can be won with constant dedication and awareness.

Don’t doubt yourself.  Believe in yourself.  We choose what we think and we choose what we are and can become.  Accept responsibility for your actions and let it go.  Then take positive steps to accept what needs to be done to achieve your goal.  Dedicate yourself to getting it done.

This will disrupt your mind’s pattern of thinking and it will be easy to fall back into the old ways.  Surround yourself with positive things and these will seep into your mind until they become you and your new habit is formed.  Whatever was bad in your environment that caused you to complain get rid of it.  Each step toward a positive emotion gives you confidence to continue.

We all tend to blame others.  Only politicians can do that and get away with it.  If you don’t like the life your living or the thoughts you’re thinking then change it.  Take responsibility and take control.  Stop complaining today and discover a new you tomorrow.

They also bring up good points on dealing with anger. We are getting to some tough issues that we are dealing with and this material is helping with those issues. Stay tuned for more as we make progress.

Relationship Tip:

Create a personalized magazine cover for your partner.  To do this, get hold of a good quality photo of her and a copy of a popular entertainment magazine.

Take these two items to a print shop or graphic design agency.  Ask them to scan your partner's photo and develop a magazine cover with the lead story being, "The 30 Most Beautiful Women of 2009".

When you get the cover, stick it on the front of a real magazine and ask your local shop owner whether you can place it in the magazine rack. Organize to meet your partner at the shop before going out.  When she arrives, tell her that you are just looking for a magazine.  Let her browse the rack and discover her magazine.

Romance Tip:

Keep in Touch

If you are in a relationship, where your partner serves in the armed forces and is overseas or in another state on duty, away in a foreign country for school, or separated from you for one reason or another, it is important that you keep in touch with each other often.  There will be stress from the separation but by keeping in touch and informing each other of the things each person is dealing with, how they feel, etc., you will not have any break in your communication.

The goal is that when you get back together, you can easily pick up where you left off.  This is a very important time to provide each other with confirmation of your love and validation of your relationship.  While this will require some extra effort on both parts, keep in mind that the separation is not forever.]]> http://yourlifeafter50.com/2009/02/relationship-romance/feed/ 0 http://yourlifeafter50.com/2009/02/relationship-romance/ http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/YourLifeAfter50/~3/XUo0vuSCOVo/ http://yourlifeafter50.com/2009/02/step-journey/#comments Sat, 07 Feb 2009 21:49:13 +0000 Jerry Stearns http://yourlifeafter50.com/?p=286 Hi, this is Dale writing to you.  As you know we started the "Save Your Marriage" course about a week ago. Jerry wanted me to write a little update what we have done so far

We have completed the first six exercises and found most of them to be very enlightening, a great source of conversation. The greatest encouragement is to take what we learn and put it into action, applying the lessons to our lives. We have had discussions on what our expectations were about marriage when we were younger and the impressions other married folks have had on us. We didn’t find much help in exercise 5, but you might find it very helpful.

We are enjoying the process as far as we have come and are looking forward to seeing what else we can learn about each other.   We’ll keep you posted, so keep following along and see what we find.

Dale

You’re still here. Good!  You’ve taken the first step in identifying your bad habits by admitting you have them.  They didn’t seem so bad at first.  The bad habits were just insignificant and you could break them any time you want.  You’ve heard about the guy who could stop smoking anytime he wanted.  He’s done it many times. 

Bad habits feel so good at first as you ladle more gravy on your mashed potatoes which go so well with the chicken fried steak.  One little snort of a non-addictive drug won’t hurt. Lying to your spouse was hard the first time but it got easier.  Bad habits have a way of doing that – getting easier.  Bad habits are a lot like drugs, they’re addictive and you find a way to rationalize them.

When you’re ready to take back control of your life and do away with your bad habits then identify them.  Write them down.  A bad habit could be as simple as criticizing your spouse or being impatient in the grocery line and saying words you regret.  Admit you have bad habits, identify them and write them down.

Be specific.  How much do you indulge in this habit and how does it affect your life? The longer you’ve been addicted to the bad habit the more difficult it will be to give it up.  All the more reason to get started now.  If the habit costs you money, determine how much it has cost you over the years and how you could have better spent that money.

The bad habit may not just hit you in the pocketbook but your physical and emotional health as well.  It could be preventing you from achieving your goals and dreams for a better life.  Bad habits waste money, strength and time.  They eat away at your mind until you find a way to live with them rather than kick the habit.

Now, write down good habits that you want to acquire.  This could be just the opposite of your bad habit.  The bad habit could be drinking too much in front of the TV.  The good habit could be to stop drinking and spend more time outside with the kids or at the health center.  Give yourself a time limit when you say out with the bad and in with the good.

Put the list of good habits in a place where you see them every day.  Bad habits are easy to form but good habits come hard.  You’ll need all the help you can get and if they’re staring you in the face every day the positive constant reinforcement will begin to work wonders.  You’ll feel uncomfortable at first but like nourishing a bad habit the good habits will get easier too.

Change your routine and stay away from any thing, place or person that might tempt you. Replace that empty feeling as the bad habit leaves your body with something that feels good and is good.  Seek help if needed and become emotionally and physically strong. You can become a slave to bad habits or good.  The choice is yours to make today.]]> http://yourlifeafter50.com/2009/02/identifying-altering-habits/feed/ 0 http://yourlifeafter50.com/2009/02/identifying-altering-habits/ http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/YourLifeAfter50/~3/zOKgKWSxqhQ/ http://yourlifeafter50.com/2009/01/adventure/#comments Tue, 27 Jan 2009 01:29:34 +0000 Jerry Stearns http://yourlifeafter50.com/?p=223 Dale and I started an adventure on Saturday.  We started the "Save Your Marriage" course.  We believe that we should know the products that we recommend on this site.  We purchased all the material so not to be swayed with a "free" product. 

We made it through the first exercise, what we individually feel are the goals of your marriage.  We now will work on Exercise 2, which is to keep a feelings journal for a week.   A feelings journal?  How can I identify a feeling?  I usually mad, glad or sad…are there any more?  Let me do some exploring.

I have read through the material and can see that this will be and exciting time for Dale and me.   This will take us several weeks possibly months so ride along with us.

Jerry

p.s.  If you want to see the course we are undertaking:

Action people are usually people who are organized and seem to know exactly how to proceed from one project to another seamlessly and without effort. Others flounder in a world of disorganization, haplessly moving one piece of paper to another location without knowing why. At the end of the day, the doers typically have more energy than at the beginning as they feed on taking action.

The flounders at the end of the day are still floundering and can’t understand why nothing has been accomplished and they feel exhausted. They step back to assess their day’s accomplishments and deceive themselves into believing progress is being made, when in realty little or nothing has been done. For these people, organization is an essential key. Whether it’s for your home or business, make a to-do list and prioritize it. Put the most important ones at the top and each time you complete a goal or project scratch it off and feel the satisfaction. Don’t mark it off until it’s done. No cheating or rationalizing.

When everything on the list is finished, reward yourself. Even if you don’t quite complete the list in one day, go ahead and celebrate your victories. This gives you something to look forward to and gives you incentive to accomplish more. Again, be honest with yourself and only accept reward when deserved.

Another plan of action states that you can waste too much time making lists and you should visualize your task at hand until you have the energy to do it. They suggest you sit quietly, clear your mind of all other things and concentrate on your task or goal at hand. See yourself doing the project in vivid detail. Whatever the job entails imagine yourself doing each and every step. Fantasize about it, if you will.

Thought waves become energy waves as you focus your mind on one central thought. These energy waves build until you feel the energy surging inside you pushing you into action.

You’ll build up so much energy you will be forced to act. At that point, take action. It could be just a small part of your overall project but let yourself be compelled to action. This energy will dissipate, so do as much as you can before it leaves your body.

You’ve probably worked with a mind energy force involuntarily. There’s a problem you’ve faced during the day and can’t find a solution. Clear your mind, concentrate on the problem, even sleep on it and seemingly out of nowhere the answer becomes clear and you can take action. A happy attitude is imperative. Most people who are happy are active. Associate with happy people. Change the way your think and you will change the way you act.]]> http://yourlifeafter50.com/2009/01/become-a-person-who-takes-action/feed/ 0 http://yourlifeafter50.com/2009/01/become-a-person-who-takes-action/