I am. Your LoudSpeaker.

UnbeWeedable: Cheetos, Mary Jane and Colorado

jennifercrnls@yahoo.com (Magnolia Phenom) — Wed, 7 Nov 2012 08:36:00 -0800

As Snoop Dogg (aka Snoop Lion) so eloquently put it on Twitter yesterday, "Shout out to Colorado!" Somebody give this man a political seat, he clearly has an eye for the REAL hot button issues.

Screw the economy, and foreign policy be damned (I'm being facetious, of course)- quite a few young people followed suit and had their eye on a issue of another kind: Ms. Mary Jane.

For those of you not savvy on the urbanspeak (and yes, I just made that word up), I'm talking about the legalization of weed. For them, yesterday's election resulted in a huge triumph.

Happy Days Are Here Again as Both Washington state and Colorado approved the decriminalization of weed (sorry guys, it only applies for those 21 years and older)- and that includes for recreational purposes. In fact, people will eventually be allowed to possess up to an ounce legally.

Many people are hoping that this approval foments a change in the way the drug is viewed by mainstream society. While possession is still a federal offense, the approval in these two states alone is a manifestation of a change in perspective.

Still, Colorado Gov. John Hickenlooper, a Democrat, had this to say about the munchies: "Federal law still says marijuana is an illegal drug, so don't break out the Cheetos or Goldfish too quickly."

Best quote of Election Day 2012. Hands down.

This is a lighter note intended to detract from the tension and divide that the re-election of President Obama has apparently caused (aka highlighted). Enjoy and interpret as you will.

On Secret Regrets...Again

jennifercrnls@yahoo.com (Magnolia Phenom) — Wed, 7 Mar 2012 08:03:00 -0800

I've posted about www.secretregrets.com before. I've contributed to the site occasionally, even though I've always been one to strive to do things in such a way that I have no regrets. Oddly enough, the result is that sometimes my decisions have made my life miserable. I visited the site again today and found myself scrolling through a myriad of regrets, as varied Anonymous' opened up their hearts to strangers, revealing their deepest darkest secrets, their innermost pains - and my heart bled for them, not only because I saw myself in some of their struggles, but because of some of the utter despondency so many people live with every day. Some are good at hiding it - they walk around with smiles on their faces and their grass looks so incredibly lush and green to those standing on the outside looking in. (Yo, can I get somma that?). I love secretregrets.com because it reminds me that everyone wears a mask sometimes - everybody plays the fool. There's nothing like the camaraderie created by similar experiences.

For instance, the most common and repetitive theme I saw today dealt with relationships - which I think is symbolic of the times. People are so selfish and unwilling to work at things, unwilling to take chances. We create our own constant cycle of regrets by wallowing in our own fear of what could happen, instead of plunging in headfirst into a situation that has the potential to be fulfilling and make us truly happy.

Anyway, in the spirit of that theme, I'll share a regret:

I regret letting a man I loved use me for my money and my kindness (whether purposefully or not). I regret staying when his actions showed me I was no longer important to him. I regret giving him chance after chance, hoping things would change before I finally let go. I DON'T regret finally letting go. And now, when I see you, I DON'T regret feeling absolutely nothing and I DON'T regret forgiving you. When I release, I release entirely. I tried to tell you - that's why I held on so long. I feel sorry for you that you want me back and I regret that I cannot yet return your feelings. Get that? I actually feel bad for making you feel bad. (What kinda ISH, is that?). And even though I'm over it, I've let what you did continue to influence my life. I'm so glad you're finally doing well and don't need me that way anymore (I guess that's proof of your sincerity?). But I regret the most that you didn't recognize what you had, when you had me.

If I ever children, I hope that my daughter's heart is open enough to listen to what I have to say. I know she won't - I didn't. If we would only listen, we could save ourselves so much heartache. But I guess...sometimes we just have to learn on our own, take chances - and hope that the heartache isn't too much to bear.

Attraction Smaction

jennifercrnls@yahoo.com (Magnolia Phenom) — Wed, 7 Mar 2012 06:51:00 -0800

It's been awhile, but let's talk about "The Law of Attraction" really quickly. According to the genius that is Wikipedia (and we all know Wikipedia is always right):

"The law of attraction is a metaphysical belief or theory, that "like attracts like," and that by focusing on positive or negative thoughts, one can bring about positive or negative results.According to the law of attraction, the phrase "I need more money" or "I don't have enough money" allows the subject to continue to "need more money" or "not have enough money". If the subject wants to change this they would focus their thoughts on the goal (having more money) rather than the problem (needing more money). This might take the form of phrases such as "I have more money now" or "I have more money than I need.""

This dude --> http://www.neerajkulkarni.com/mind-power/the-law-of-attraction talks about how you must repeat the statement to yourself and be open to positive results - theoretically, your mind will then start believing this is your reality.

Hmmph. So all I have to do is "focus" on (aka lie to myself about) the things I want and they'll come to me - a la magnet? This idea that saying or thinking something makes it true just doesn't sit well with me? As a lawyer-in-training, though, maybe I should set my skepticism aside - I may soon be employing this practice in the courtroom, after all.

Okay, let me give this a try: "I have a bazillion bucks." *<NOTHING>*. Again (because maybe I'm putting the emphasis on the wrong word): "I have a bazillion bucks." <NOTHING>. "I have a bazillion bucks. DAMNIT." *NOTHING>*.

I must be dispersing some EXTREMELY negative vibes into the universe.

Not Meant to Be Barbie

jennifercrnls@yahoo.com (Magnolia Phenom) — Fri, 14 Oct 2011 14:54:00 -0700

SuperSize Me? No, Really, I Want to Super-Sized.

jennifercrnls@yahoo.com (Magnolia Phenom) — Tue, 4 Oct 2011 12:07:00 -0700

Looks like Ronald is vying to replace the Pillsbury Doughboy, circa Ghostbusters.

Free fries, free drink, buy one get one free with purchase... No, I'm not talking about clothes. We beleaguer our society for encouraging consumption of unhealthy foods. We harangue parents whose children might be labelled as obese. We see commercials about the detriments of high fructose corn syrup and laud films like "SuperSize Me."But now fast food restaurants are accepting EBT cards?? Groceries, healthy snack food options (the occassional UNhealthy snack food option) = Yes. A double-decker Gordita with extra sour cream and meat that's prooobably not even really meat? A Biggie fry made out of potatoes that would prooobably survive a nuclear attack (watch a video of the world's first bionic burger after the jump)? = Hell NO. Supersize me indeed. It's no wonder Americans are getting wider by the year.

The Times They Are a Changing - and Your Facebook is Too

jennifercrnls@yahoo.com (Magnolia Phenom) — Mon, 26 Sep 2011 16:45:00 -0700

The only things certain in life are death and change, or so they say. (Please don't ask me who "they" are). Anyway, Facebook may soon be proving the veracity of this much-tested axiom. In fact, new changes slated to launch on the mega-site may contribute to its untimely demise. But then again, maybe it's all about adaptation.

There are some who'll adapt, some who'll foray into the virginal world of Google Plus (although I must admit...loyalties die hard) and then there are those who will freak when they see the new Facebook. Gone are the days of the profile, to be replaced by a timeline of your life from birth to present (talk about invasive). You can opt-in now, but sources say once you go ...well...timeline, you can never go back. Go figure. Do so at your own risk.

As word of the transition spreads, beware, there are some scammers out there who are already looking to capitalize on the panic of the masses. Scammers? You may ask? Yes, scammers - those fat old men who hide behind the security of their computer screens and derive pleasure from causing panic and directing unsuspecting idiots to porn links. Therefore, if you see a message like the one below (and bear in mind it may have even been re-posted by your more gullible "friends"):

FACEBOOK JUST RELEASED THEIR PRICE GRID FOR MEMBERSHIP. $9.99 PER MONTH FOR GOLD MEMBER SERVICES, $6.99 PER MONTH FOR SILVER MEMBER SERVICES, $3.99 PER MONTH FOR BRONZE MEMBER SERVICES, FREE IF YOU COPY AND PASTE THIS MESSAGE BEFORE MIDNIGHT TONIGHT. WHEN YOU SIGN ON TOMORROW MORNING YOU WILL BE PROMPTED FOR PAYMENT INFO...IT IS OFFICIAL IT WAS EVEN ON THE NEWS. FACEBOOK WILL START CHARGING DUE TO THE NEW PROFILE CHANGES. IF YOU COPY THIS ON YOUR WALL YOUR ICON WILL TURN BLUE AND FACEBOOK WILL BE FREE FOR YOU. PLEASE PASS THIS MESSAGE ON IF NOT YOUR ACCOUNT WILL BE DELETED IF YOU DO NOT PAY repost..

please don't perpetuate the idiocy. Facebook will always be free. Although, I must admit, I like this version much better:

Facebook just released their new Membership charges - $9.99 for IDIOTS, $6.99 CROSS-EYED PEOPLE, $3.99 for special dribbly people, but it's free if you post a pic of yourself with a homemade foil hat on, goggles and most importantly swimming armbands (DO NOT FORGET THE ARMBANDS) by midnight tonight. When you sign in tomorrow, you will be prompted for your star sign. It is official, it was confirmed by my friend's, wife's, brother's cousin, who heard it from his nurse in the special hospital - also confirmed by the voices that speak to him personally! These charges are all due to the new changes. If you post your pic, your icon will turn blue (AS IT ALWAYS HAS BEEN), and FB will be free for you, and as a bonus you will also get a special jacket to hug yourself (choice of colors available). Please pass this message on, if not your account will never be the same again once the aliens have tampered with it! It's gotta be true. I read it on Facebook.

Priceless.

Whizzing Takes on a Whole New Meaning

jennifercrnls@yahoo.com (Magnolia Phenom) — Thu, 22 Sep 2011 11:37:00 -0700

Looking to hone your gaming skills while taking a whiz? Lucky for you, that dream may soon be a reality. Well...for men at least. Seems Sega's got it's eye on a new cash cow. It's called the "Toylet" and yes, it's real. The Japan-based company has been testing the toilet gaming systems overseas since January. Bye, bye Kinect! Wii, you're obselete...cuz this thing is controlled by your pee. A screen mounted over select urinals in Tokyo will allow men to play four mini-games as they relieve themselves.

A sampling of games as listed on CNET:

Mannequin Pis calculates how much urine you have released into the great beyond.
In Graffiti Eraser, you must attempt to urinate as forcefully as you can in order to remove graffiti from a virtual wall on the gaming screen.
Milk from Nose asks you to consider who was the previous occupant of your stall and to see whether you can beat the person in the maximum flow department.

Amazing. Finally, men have something to aim at.

Sounds of Inspiration

jennifercrnls@yahoo.com (Magnolia Phenom) — Thu, 22 Sep 2011 11:27:00 -0700

Sometimes I hear a song and it inspires me to write what I call on-the-spot poetry. Usually takes about 5 minutes or less. This is the most recent one.

Song(s) Playing: Lost Ones (Lauryn Hill), Best Thing You Never Had (Beyonce)

What Goes Around (a short poem)

The lyrics of Ms. Lauryn Hill are like a pill of reality. Dousing my insides with a dose of uncertainty. Making my heart beat triple-time. Bu-bump, bu-bump, blood pumps like fine wine. See, Hill, she captured the sentiment before Beyonce’ knew it. Dude, you had it in your hands and you frickin’ blew it. "What you throw out comes back to you star, never underestimate those who you scar...cause karma, karma, karma comes back to you hard."

The Search for the Video Vixen

jennifercrnls@yahoo.com (Magnolia Phenom) — Thu, 15 Sep 2011 10:18:00 -0700

I heard the most profound insult the other day and I just had to share it with you guys: "Girl, if it was raining your whole face would disappear." Daaannnng, I thought, you did that. Now, the comment itself wasn't directed at me, but it was certainly evocative of another thought-provoking effusion said by...what was his name? Oh yea, that's right - Will, the Fresh Prince of Bel Air, ♫ "I'm stuck in a basement, sittin' on a tricycle, girl gettin' on my nerves; Goin' outta my mind, I thought she was fine, don't know if her body is hers." ♫ Amazing. That Will Smith has such a way with words. I mean, talk about food for thought. Okay, so maybe it's not that profound (more like not profound at all), but it's definitely funny.

So I'm at the office the other day, and we're all gathered around the watercooler (yes, we actually have a watercooler) and somehow the conversation shifts to men's fascination with model chicks. It shifts to how some of the very same men who claim they don't like makeup or running their fingers through tracks have very vocal fantasies about women with perfect skin, slim waists, long hair, blah blah blah.

These men constantly hedge their bets - and are always on the lookout for the "next-best-thing," often ignoring what's right in front of them. Newsflash: The grass ain't greener on the other side, baby. In fact, the grass over there is probably brown honey - just spray painted green. Let it rain long enough and the real bitch'll come to the light (pardon my French). What are you going to do when you wake up one morning and all that makeup is gone, or she finally shows her true colors and starts bleeding you dry. When you finally get tired of catering to someone who doesn't bring anything to the table when you really think about it - just because she makes good arm candy and/or "puts it down" in the bedroom.

That works for a hot minute, but eventually you may just need someone who's on the same level as you are. Unfortunately, by the time you realize it, that perfect girl will have come to the same realization. Like Janet said, that's the way love goes. Why do you think Drake's sitting up in Marvin's Room making drunk phone calls to a girl he used to know, even though he's surrounded by beautiful women?

Drake's lonely ass, sitting in Marvin's Room

This post is getting much longer than actually intended, but I have one more story (and I'm throwing this in as a bonus b/c I love you guys). When we have these discussions we try to keep it fair, so the male in the office offered up this little tidbit: A few years ago, he used to work at a sorting facility. The lead manager was this woman who everyone thought was fine as hell, right? She had the shape, the behind, and was pretty well put-together. Anyway, one machine in the warehouse had a long sharp edge on it that'd been giving everyone a lot of problems. One day, the manager is giving out directions when she leans up against this machine. Suddenly there's a long hiss and the manager freezes - I mean goes absolutely silent. Finally she tells everyone to get to work and turns and walks away only...one side of her butt is completely deflated. Yes, one side, one cheek to be precise. The whole year she'd been wearing a butt pad. Needless to say, all the dudes in the warehouse felt deceived for days.

Final thought: Men, if you've got to go for something...go for something that's real.

Thoughts, anyone?

My Secret Regret

jennifercrnls@yahoo.com (Magnolia Phenom) — Fri, 1 Apr 2011 15:58:00 -0700

I have a secret regret.

Today I discovered a Website, www.secretregrets.com, where men and women alike anonymously post their innermost secrets. Viewers are sympathetic - for the most part anyway - offering advice, condolences, and often simply a kind word.

I've always told myself I would have no regrets, that everything that happens "happens for a reason," that "there's a blessing in every lesson" and yada yada yada. But as I read through the posts on the site, I realized that while you can learn from the things that happen in your life...you may also regret them....and regret isn't necessarily a bad thing. After all, isn't regret a sign that you realized you erred somehow? Doesn't it suggest a desire to refrain from making the same mistakes? And eventually, as you slowly allow yourself to let go, to forgive, the regrets will gradually morph into something deeper, almost a nostalgia for times past.

Have you ever considered that you may be someone's "regret"? I know I am. There are those who regret letting go of me, but oddly enough this doesn't give me any satisfaction. These people are irrelevant. Usually, by the time they realize I'm their regret, they have become mine.

Anyway, check out the Website I mentioned. If you have any regrets, feel free to submit them there or here (and I might just get more specific about mine). Lol.

And as for those regrets: Replay the Memories, Pause, Delete the Pain, Rewind the Happiness. Repeat.

Pole Dancing for Jesus: Come as You Are

jennifercrnls@yahoo.com (Magnolia Phenom) — Wed, 23 Mar 2011 10:13:00 -0700

Religion has taken on a whole new meaning. Grab your church programs, folks, we're going to do some pole dance fitness for Jesus. On a pole. Yes, a stripper pole.

I first heard about "Pole Dancing for Jesus" last night while watching Lopez Tonight (and pouring over my Crim Law book, of course). It was an SNL-type segment where the show's set transformed into Club Habits and featured a spry "nun" on the center stage, black and white habit and all. Of course, there was also an altar "boy"( Boy deserves quotes because he was actually a middle-aged man with a paunch) who handed George Lopez his bells and ripped off his vestments to reveal a Pepto Bismol-pink mid-riffed shirt labeled "I ♥ Jesus" and a green pair of Daisy Dukes, before strutting off stage.

Honestly, I didn't know whether to laugh or not. It just felt so...so...so Blasphemous. Could I be condemned to hell for laughing at a JOKE? No worries, I got my beauty sleep but then . . . I turned on my radio this morning and learned this is the real deal. One Sunday a month participants' church programs double as free admission to class in Small-Town, Texas. Imagine your deacon soaring around, fully clothed, to the tunes of some of today's greatest Gospel hits (weell, you know, I suppose the Bible does say "come as you are," right?).

Acknowledging that our country is riddled with patriots seeking to divide themselves over the tiniest issue, this woman is almost certainly inviting some ... "animosity" will all the publicity this event is receiving. Then again, maybe this is actually the cure-all for the United States' problems with border control and drug smuggling. Let's just convince those drug cartels we're some crazy mufuckas.

What say ye, faithful readers?

A Word for the Introverted

jennifercrnls@yahoo.com (Magnolia Phenom) — Sun, 20 Mar 2011 21:41:00 -0700

It never fails. Someone remarks on how "quiet" I am. Asks if I'm a mute, thinking they've just made the most hilarious comment in the world. Truth is, it's not funny. I am a bonafide introvert. Sometimes I'm so overwrought with feelings of loneliness, it's scary. When it comes to conversations, I'm silent. And of course, not taking the time to consider that it might be something else, people usually assume I have a bad attitude, or that I think too much of myself to deign to join in. Not true. Sometimes my mind goes blank. I feel pressured to say something witty, and suddenly find that I'm not up to the task. Sometimes I'm warring with a plethora of emotions, and instead of unleashing these emotions on the world, these thoughts, I confiscate them, ball them up, store them inside so all people see is a blank face--void of emotion. It's not safe to reveal how I feel.

It's something I've struggled with since middle school, when I used to carry a book around with me as a barrier between me and the world. At the lunch table, it didn't matter if no one sat beside me...I had all the company I needed within the confines of those stark white pages. If I forced myself to be social, I felt as if I was being fake, a charlatan...yet somehow, despite this, I managed to hover on the outskirts of the popular crowd. I was the cheerleader who excelled in her classes, at public speaking, who was highly involved in student government and other organizations, voted to be in the Hall of Fame-ten people were selected from a class of 200--yet no one knew how much I was struggling on the inside. How much I still sometimes struggle. No one cares to find out. It's easier to assume I have a bad attitude, that I'm uppity, and judgmental...but that's not it at all. ASSUME really does make an ass out of you and me. I apologize for the sucky post--especially after I haven't posted in so long, but I just wanted to let other people who struggle with similar problems know that you're not alone.

Check out some of my previous posts for more witty-type banter sh*t. :)
http://yourloudspeaker.blogspot.com/2010/07/to-grab-or-not-to-grab-holding.html
http://yourloudspeaker.blogspot.com/2010/07/gullible-islandcooty-takeover.html
http://yourloudspeaker.blogspot.com/2010/09/are-you-cac-cool-as-chick.html
http://yourloudspeaker.blogspot.com/2010/07/i-dosing-getting-baked-off-beats.html

Finally, Validation.

jennifercrnls@yahoo.com (Magnolia Phenom) — Sun, 16 Jan 2011 11:02:00 -0800

It's totally okay to be alone. Try it.

Dog Days: Ma! Princess is Sh*tting Diamonds!

jennifercrnls@yahoo.com (Magnolia Phenom) — Thu, 13 Jan 2011 21:14:00 -0800

My dog has a taste for diamonds. Literally. No, not to wear...exactly. But he sure as hell enjoys eating them...and hopefully they'll be coming round the mountain soon (if you know what I mean).
Here's the back story: If you haven't heard by now, the big bad city of Atlanta was "snowed in" this entire week. A few geniuses dubbed it a "Snowpocalypse" (aagh catchy, catchy. Somebody give 'em a medal). Anyway, we only have like ten snowplows for the entire city, and people in the South lose their minds any time the sun isn't shining (this includes sprinkles, snow flurries, fog and)...you get the picture. If you don't get it, and are more of a visual person, here you go:

I was trapped.

By day four of canceled classes, horror stories, and Vimeo videos of people ice skating down the street, I was losing what little mind I have left. So what do I do? I clean. Yep, I know...crazy, crazy me cleans. In fact, the boredom's so bad it's palpable and I'm like, like...organizing my jewelry box and ish.

Unbeknown to me, in the midst of this cleaning spree I drop my Cartier diamond earrings on the floor (still in their case). A couple of hours later I notice the box...at the other end of the room, nowhere near my jewelry box, and no earrings are in sight.

A thorough search of my tiny (yet expensive) apartment yields nothing. It's just me and Mister in the place, so I figure unless I have a fetish I'm unaware of or we have a klepto poltergeist visitor, Mister has to be the culprit. And he has yet to give them back.

So where did I go wrong with Mister? Why did he turn to this life of crime?

I think I messed up with his name. With a name like his...well' let's just say I think giving such an illustrious (aka Tinkerbell-ish) name to such a small pooch destined him to be a little pretentious (aka feel he deserves diamonds). Perhaps that's also why he occasionally responds to the name Princess...

Anywhoo, lucky for you, this episode got me thinking. We've had a couple of close calls where he found bits of chocolate, a grape on the floor and for a fleeting moment I even wondered what would happen if someone (not me, of course) fed him Red Bull. I'd never let him try it because he's my baby and I wuv him...but what else can't dogs eat?

I've included for you guys (and pet-lovers everywhere) a short list of items unhealthy for dog consumption, but I focused on the things people (like me) are most likely to try. You can view a full list here*.

Don't feed your dog:

Alcoholic Beverages
Human vitamins
Marijuana
Raisins
Tobacco
Coffee
Cat food - generally too high in proteins and fats. Plus it has pictures of cats on it.

*Disclaimer: Results of ignoring this list's admonitions may vary. Your dog may experience death, illness, or...you just might find weird things in their crap the next day.

Do not put the shit of your dog.

Viva La Revolucion! Birth Control Goes Free

jennifercrnls@yahoo.com (Magnolia Phenom) — Sun, 31 Oct 2010 14:10:00 -0700

The controversial new health care law may be about to lend itself to yet another debate. Ladies, those packs of Kariva that normally cost us $120 sans insurance and anywhere from $30-75 with--may be selling for the freezy in the future. That's right--FREE. Gratis. No mo' dinero (That's a little Spanglish for you, in case you didn't know).

A panel of experts advising the government meets in November to begin considering what kind of preventive care for women should be covered at no cost to the patient, as required under President Barack Obama's overhaul. and birth control* contraceptives may just fit the bill (Pun totally intended).

The question is whether birth control qualifies as a "preventative medicine," and if it does, then pregnancy itself will be classified as an illness--and many argue that it is, in fact, a healthy condition. So far, religion and the issue of pro-choice v. pro life have not become a part of the debate, but this is clearly still an issue in the throes of new birth (Sorry, couldn't resist). As for this blogger, I find myself silently chanting, "Hallelujah."

*Remember, the pill does not protect against HIV or STDS. And, it sometimes does not protect against pregnancy...I'm just sayin'. 99.9 percent isn't 100.

Dirty Money ft. Drake - Hurt (Loving You No More) [Artistic Piano Interp...

jennifercrnls@yahoo.com (Magnolia Phenom) — Fri, 29 Oct 2010 16:39:00 -0700

Upgrade

jennifercrnls@yahoo.com (Magnolia Phenom) — Tue, 26 Oct 2010 15:29:00 -0700

Can I be your queen?
I mean,
Without all the rings and things
I swear I just want to see you smile.
Will you stay awhile?
and eventually take a chance with me
Before what "could be"
passes us completely by...
You see, I'd really like to try.
Can I be your queen?
I mean,
Like can I be your match
& why do I even have to ask?
A thief, You came
And snatched
My will away
and only I pay
the price.
..Should I disappear from your life?
Or would it suffice
for me to swear
to never do you wrong
to exercise patience
for as long
as it takes--until you equate "us"
with only positive things.
Dang. I mean...I mean...
Hell, I mean
Can I be your queen?

Cold. Some Old Poetry

jennifercrnls@yahoo.com (Magnolia Phenom) — Sun, 17 Oct 2010 20:13:00 -0700

Below is a piece I performed during a spoken word event a while ago.

Cold.

I can never find the words to truly express how i feel

The lies behind my eyes masking what's real

Forever, never-ending

immobilized in this state

Like...if I cannot love you

Then you must I surely hate.

If this is fate

I want to escape

Turn my hands loose

My chains break

You fail to realize what's at stake

I did NOT ask for this plate

of life you served up

Cuz when push comes to shove

It's just a feast without love

and I'm starving to death.

See...love's all I eat

Got me longing for the days

When I couldn't see my feet.

Pregnant with satisfaction

I LIVED for your reaction

And Your Smile was our lovechild...

unTil he ran wild

across your face.

unTil Him and paper you began to chase

Leaving a changeling in your place

While you sought fairytale dreams

and rockstar scenes

To me it seems...

You were cruel

You were mean

But then...maybe you were never there??

Recall your substance
Late eruptions
Yes, We made quite a pair

Secret wishes

Did I blow kisses

at nothing but...air?

Can't be, Why is it then

that I crave your taste, your Touch?

You can't crave something...

lest you've once had too much.

Don't you Remember?
You= Chills down my spine
I'm yours, you're mine
Making me shudder
You laugh cuz All I can do is stutter
and shake
as I quake
from the ache of you

(Whispers of Sisters (abandoned eons ago) tickle my ear saying softly, "Babygirl, Let. It. Go.")

But what is this that tethers me

To you like a fool?

Consuming every crumb you throw at me

Like I have to.

Yet, STILL I call myself brave

Cuz I never let You know

That I CRIED

and I pretend to enjoy this game

Of Hide (and go-seek)

Cept...you never seem to seek.

Why tell me to hide

When you never come seek?

You're underhanded--

I'm branded

Got your name

Across my heart seared...

Wait, your search is so lackadaisical

Cuz you think I'll always be here.

DAMN.

Get a Clue: Guy Doesn’t Mention the Future, He’s Not Into You (WELL, WELL)

jennifercrnls@yahoo.com (Magnolia Phenom) — Sun, 26 Sep 2010 17:27:00 -0700

*This is the "or worse"

We’ve all heard this story: guy dates girl longer than Methuselah’s teeth. After trying out to be a wife–you know the drill– cooking, washing his crusty draws, even having one or a set of his babies [*or worse], and wishing every Christmas or Valentine’s Day that he pops the question, the two break up.

Then, he’s seeing someone else in 2.5 seconds flat and marries her and sends you a postcard from Hawaii.

Your poor friend (or you, if this is you) is left wondering, what did she have that I didn’t have?

Read more of this article at Madame Noire

If for some reason you don't want to click the link above, I've copied the list of clues indicating he's not into you. Yet somehow, the list seems so incomplete:

Here’s a checklist of sure-fire signs that give a clue if he’s not really in to you:

Does he call you through Google phone so his cell phone is free of you?
Is he still going to the club on a Tuesday? (big red flag girls)
Have you overheard him say to his buddies, “We just talkin’” after you’ve been dating him exclusively for close to a decade?
Do you prepare for a night on the town but always stay at your address, then wake up alone in bed with wrinkled sheets that smell like Old Spice, but no man is in sight?
Here’s a BIG one: his sister giggles when you call him your “boyfriend.” Exit stage left, do not pass go, and get out of the Dodge with the quickness.

What other clues belong on this list? And what action, if any, should you take if your "man" exhibits these signs?

Can't Be Friends

jennifercrnls@yahoo.com (Magnolia Phenom) — Sat, 11 Sep 2010 16:54:00 -0700

Sometimes You Just Have to Say It...

jennifercrnls@yahoo.com (Magnolia Phenom) — Wed, 8 Sep 2010 13:55:00 -0700

*Or let someone else say it for you...
*Please excuse his language.

Are You a C.A.C. (Cool A*s Chick)?

jennifercrnls@yahoo.com (Magnolia Phenom) — Tue, 7 Sep 2010 15:56:00 -0700

What you thought is true...people don't get into relationships just for the hell of it. At least, that's how it used to go. The primary aim of relationships was to create something that would (dare I say it?) last forever *GASP*-- or at least until somebody died. That's what's called starting something and seeing it through, people. Nowadays we may not know how to make things work, but we sure know how to sabotage things -- ESPECIALLY my ladies. Yeah, I said it. We're experts at ruining a good thing. (Okay, okay, men are worse but I've been getting on them for a couple of months now -- it's our turn.)

Ladies, the mind of the male has changed.

Cooking, cleaning, Bible-thumping and passion are no longer the recipe for keeping a good man. I know, it's a shocker, right? Right now you're wondering, "Magnolia, if those things no longer work...what the heck are we supposed to do?" I wondered the same thing after I got burned in the kitchen for what had to be the umpteenth time. And the answer came to me today, suddenly, and straight from the mouth of God (Okay., I lied. Really it was more like a tweet on my MotoBlur from Lil Duval. Ha.).

Ready? Here it is:

"The hardest thing for a woman to be is really the easiest -- just be a cool ass chick." -- Lil Duval, comedian

Wow. Manna from heaven. Ladies! That's it...we just have to be some cool a*s chicks. Why didn't we think of that before?

My checklist for cool a*s chicks:

1.) Learn how to take the "L" -- Learn how to take the losses. He's allowed to win an argument every now and then. Even if you know he's wrong, just take the "L." Don't logic him to death or bring up the past either. Men hate analyzing things and they hate when you analyze them and/or the situation even more.

2.) Learn how their minds work -- I had some knowledge dropped on me recently. This is pretty basic, but apparently while men can speak in complete sentences, their minds operate like cavemen (at least compared to how the woman's mind works). For the sake of illustration, here are a few examples: "Me. Hungry. Eat." "Me. Tired. Sit." "Me. Horny. Woman. Sex." Yep.

3.)Don't "trip" -- He forgot something. Your favorite color. Your favorite food. Your birthday. That "friend girl" called again. Let it slide (the first time. Momma didn't raise no fool).

4.) Don't ask too many questions -- Questions are a woman's enemy. Sentences starting with who, what, when, and where are the worse. You're his girl, not his mother. He has one of those and he moved out of her house as soon as he could-- that doesn't bode well for you.

5.) Be a "rider" -- Seriously. All joking aside, ladies, support your man. Be his backbone. When everyone else tells him he can't, you should be the one person telling him he can. Never talk down to him or demean his dreams.

6.) Let him BREATHE. Your man needs to breathe gotdammit! Nobody, I mean NOBODY, likes to be smothered. If he doesn't answer the phone, leave it at that one missed call. He'll see it -- promise. If you leave him 2 messages or more, he'll see those too. He may even call back. But he'll think you're crazy.

7.) Control. your. emotions. The average man can't handle a sudden outburst of tears. He'll comfort you alright, but inside he's shutting down and preparing to run for the hills. Angry outbursts are even worse. Never yell at your man, curse him, or disrespect him. The first time you lose it that image of you will be forever seared in his mind.

8.) Be mysterious. You like him. But maybe not as much as he likes you. Maybe more. He'll never know.

That's all I've got. My understanding of what it means to be a "cool a*s chick." You've completed the course. You've earned your badge:

Now go catch (and keep) you a man.*

*Disclaimer: Results not typical and may vary widely.

Beautiful Girls: Got Love?

jennifercrnls@yahoo.com (Magnolia Phenom) — Mon, 23 Aug 2010 14:22:00 -0700

Need Somebody to Love?

To my beautiful girls*, waiting for man to realize your worth,
No degree of vapid laughter, no little short skirt,
Can remedy the pain of loneliness, the hurt.

No display of intelligence, no confessions of love,
No degree of beauty, no lack thereof,

You could radiate warmth,
Pleasure him with your smile,
Traverse the ocean, cross over miles.

Your skin could be soft, your demeanor sweet,
Your intentions good, the model of loyalty,

But if you're looking for love past that lump in your throat,
That makes you cry at night, causes you to choke,

If you're looking for love, you're searching in the wrong place.
Stride to the mirror, take a look at your face.

Gaze past your eyes, pierce your own soul,
There find the panacea to make yourself whole.

To my beautiful girls, waiting for him to realize your worth,
Discover yourself; find your inner worth first.
Look to the heavens; Yes, look to the skies,
For in truth: That man? He may never realize.

*Definition of "beautiful girls": All girls, women. Those of the female persuasion. How else can I say it?

Horizontal

jennifercrnls@yahoo.com (Magnolia Phenom) — Fri, 20 Aug 2010 16:27:00 -0700

Hey guys, this poem is a "throwback," for lack of a better term. I need IDEAS. I'm afraid I've lost my passion and that "loving feeling" for blogging -- nothing's moving me at the moment. It'll get better soon, I promise. In the meantime, see if you can figure this one out:

Horizontal

In passing, our eyes speak,
Our lives are touching.
Something irrevocable.

Y.ou I've been longing for
E.ven before I knew My
S.elf the action

Y.outhful yearnings
E.stablished
S.o we can languish in our satisfaction

Y.ears wasted so that our
E.thereal vanities could eventually find
S.ubstance upon our carnal interaction

Mastermix

jennifercrnls@yahoo.com (Magnolia Phenom) — Mon, 16 Aug 2010 17:27:00 -0700

Let me assuage your fears,
take everything out on me.
Let me be your good thing, Honey (Yeaah),
cuz I'm sick of the poetry.

Dang. It's like I'm havin'
Drag-On Days (and the fire's hot).
I'm Missing You,
with no second thoughts.

I Want You...
to want me, Bay-bee.
Common had it right.
We could paint a Portrait of Love
(I'm talking late into the night).

When will you realize
things would be so much better
If it were "You and I,"
My soul is your cape,
and it's unfurled against the sky.

Boy, I'm Only Human.
Maybe that's why I Need You so (Bad).
I'd serve up love your way,
promise it's the best you've ever had.

Now, I know how you hate Promises
(but I would never lie),
we'd be walking on Cloud 9,
you've got me...So High (in the sky).

See, Lately...When I Look in Your Eyes
I find myself so tongue-tied,
that this Emotional Rollercoaster's
got me stealing everybody elses' lines.

(Damn, these Butterflies).