Your News, Funnier

Man Fails to Remove Wart from Finger with a Shotgun

2011-06-19T18:14:00.001-07:00

A man shot off his own finger with a shotgun while trying to remove a wart with the shotgun blast. The good news is he's figured out how to aim better for his genital warts.

via Yorkshire Post

North Carolina to Defund Planned Parenthood

2011-06-17T16:00:00.000-07:00

North Carolina has decided to defund Planned Parenthood. The decision was inspired by Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger's success with unplanned parenthood.

"That's not funny."

via CBS News

'Lost' Creator Tells January Jones She Sucks at Acting

2011-06-07T15:00:00.000-07:00

Lost co-creator Damon Lindelof tweeted that January Jones sucks in her role in X-Men: First Class. Of course she sucks, Damon, how do you think she got the role in the first place?

The answer I'm implying is oral sex. She put someone's penis in her mouth to get the roll. She sucks.

via TMZ

Anthony Weiner Admits Sending Lewd Photo

2011-06-06T17:36:00.000-07:00

Congressman Anthony Weiner admitted that he did send the sexually suggestive photo of himself calling it, "a big mistake." I dunno, I'd call it a pretty average size mistake.

"My mistake is huge, like an 11 inch mistake."

via The Atlantic

Zac Efron caught holding hands with man

2011-03-24T13:00:00.000-07:00

Zac Efron was reported being seen at a club holding hands with a guy. Efron denied rumors he is gay saying, "Come on guys, I've been in three musicals."

"Would a gay man take off his shirt and ride a pole like this?"

via Waleg

Nancy Pelosi hospitalized in Italy

2011-03-23T21:07:00.000-07:00

Nancy Pelosi was briefly hospitalized in Rome after reports the Minority Leader wasn't feeling well. Pelosi insists it was just a little cold, but Dan Brown insists it was the Illuminati.

Or maybe just some crazy albino.

via The Los Angeles Times

'Fruit Recognition' Tech Identifies Individual Pieces of Fruit

2011-03-12T16:00:00.000-08:00

Software engineers have developed a fruit recognition system that identifies fruits from pictures. It can identify over 2000 different fruits including, bananas, apples, and Neil Patrick Harris.

"Oh... ok, I thought he was a banana for a minute."

via Popular Science

Skippy Peanut Butter recalled due to salmonella scare

2011-03-11T17:00:00.000-08:00

Skippy Peanut Butter has been recalled due to a salmonella scare. Health officials warn that symptoms of salmonella include fever, cramps and diarrhea, both smooth and extra chunky.

Either way it will contain nuts.

via The Huffington Post

Cameron Diaz loves porn

2011-03-11T15:34:00.000-08:00

Cameron Diaz appeared on Jimmy Kimmel Live and exclaimed that she loves porn. In fact, the only thing she loves more than porn is attention.

"Ugh, is everyone looking at me? Good..."

via The Huffington Post

Truck Carrying 8,000 Gallons Of Printer Ink Flips

2011-03-10T17:05:00.000-08:00

In Massachusetts, an 18 wheeler flipped, spilling 8,000 gallons of printer ink. FEMA plans to respond in a few weeks, which is standard operating procedure when helping colored people.

Ok, this might actually be an Ash Wednesday thing, I don't know.

via Gizmodo

30% of young people text while driving

2011-03-08T19:00:00.000-08:00

According to a recent poll, 30% of young people admit to texting while driving. The same poll showed 70% of young people don't have any friends.

"I'm playing Angry Birds so people think I have friends."

via CNET

'Up' inspired floating house: Possible

2011-03-08T17:00:00.000-08:00

A National Geographic show recreated the floating house from Up by tying 300 weather balloons to a bare-bones house, effectively proving the Pixar story was possible. After seeing this, Randy Quaid believes his toys are alive.

via I Watch Stuff

Thief steals ashes from church

2011-03-08T15:00:00.000-08:00

A Northern California thief walked into a church and stole a backpack that contained the ashes of a deceased man. Police suspect the thief may have thought the ashes were heroin, and if that's the case, they ask that Charlie Sheen return them as soon as possible.

"I thought they were the remains of my career."

via SF Gate

Michael Bay admits Transformers 2 was crap

2011-03-07T21:00:00.000-08:00

In a recent interview, director Michael Bay said that his film Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen was crap. I wholeheartedly disagree, because calling Transformers: Revenge of The Fallen crap is insulting to crap.

"If Mr. Bay continues dragging my name through the mud, there will be a libel suit."

via The Hollywood Reporter

Foursquare announces world's rudest city

2011-03-07T19:00:00.000-08:00

Last week, we reported on the most flirtatious city in the world. This week, Foursquare found the rudest city in the world by calculating how often profanity is used in English speaking cities. The rudest city in the world was found to be Manchester, England, the second rudest city is Charlie Sheen.

"I'm not Thomas Jefferson. He was a pussy." -Charlie Sheen 1965-2011

via CNET

Justin Bieber attempting to grow mustache

2011-03-07T17:00:00.000-08:00

Seventeen-year-old pop star Justin Bieber tweeted that he is planning on growing a mustache. Apparently no one told Justin Bieber that girls can't grow mustaches.

"What did I say about the N-word?"

via The Hollywood Reporter

Justin Bieber's Twitter

Kristen Stewart to play Snow White

2011-03-07T15:00:00.000-08:00

Kristen Stewart has ben cast as Snow White in the upcoming Snow White film. The producers plan to update the character's name to Sickly White.

"The script says I have to kiss her, can my stunt man do that?"

via Celebrity Gossip

Woman survives 35-mile ride on minivan hood

2011-03-07T13:00:00.000-08:00

A man was jailed after driving 35 miles with his wife clinging to the hood of his minivan. This was a scary story that could have turned out bad, but luckily the car is ok.

Artist's sexy rendering.

via SF Gate

Phil Collins Retiring

2011-03-05T15:00:00.000-08:00

Phil Collins has decided to retire from music. Phil coming back to music is against all odds, and it's what I've got to face.

There's nothing left here to remind me, just the memory of your face. Oh, and your CDs.

via ABC news

Sirus XM has launched a nonstop Charlie Sheen station

2011-03-05T13:00:00.000-08:00

Sirus XM has launched a new 24/7 Charlie Sheen station. It's excepted to be extremely popular, and make millions of dollars, despite being completely terrible.

via Pop Eater

Boy shoots his mother - after dad shoots himself

2011-03-04T17:00:00.000-08:00

An Alabama man tripped and accidentally shot himself, then his two year old son came, picked up the gun, and shot his mother in the neck. Authorities believe it's a case where everyone really wants to get away from mom.

"If she asks me to take out the trash one more time..."

via Asylum

It's National Grammar Day!

2011-03-04T16:03:00.000-08:00

Today is National Grammar Day. In celebration teens across the nation are spending the day watching Camille Grammer's sex tape.

"I'm gonna celebrate National Grammar Day more often"

via CNN

Bill Clinton Turned Down '30 Rock' Guest Star Role

2011-03-04T15:00:00.000-08:00

Bill Clinton turned down an opportunity to appear in the 100th episode of 30 Rock. When asked why Clinton said he didn't wanna work with that bitch Sarah Palin.

via The Hollywood Reporter

Daniel Radcliffe Wants to Prove He Can Succeed Post-Harry Potter

2011-03-04T13:00:00.001-08:00

In a recent interview, actor Daniel Radcliffe said he is on a mission to prove he can succeed without Harry Potter. His plan for success; a good luck potion.

"How lucky are you trying to get?"

via The Hollywood Reporter

Mike Huckabee Criticizes Natalie Portman's 'Out-of-Wedlock' Pregnancy

2011-03-04T12:01:00.000-08:00

Former presidential candidate Mike Huckabee criticized Natalie Portman for glamorizing out of wedlock births. He added Natalie Portman should be faithful to only one lover, Mila Kunis.

Go see the movie. Seriously, it gets way hotter than this.

via The Hollywood Reporter