Your Perfect Relationship

How To Give Corrective Feedback Effectively and Receive It Graciously

Ana@Your-Perfect-Relationship.com (Ana Loiselle) — Mon, 20 Sep 2010 15:14:00 +0000

"May I Give You Some Feedback" seems to be the new 'polite' sentence for, "May I criticize you or tell you what you are doing wrong."

So let me be clear here, - Corrective Feedback is NOT criticism but a way to let people know how effective they are in what they are trying to accomplish, or how they affect you. It provides a way for people to learn how they affect the world around them, and it helps us to become more effective. If we know how other people see us, we can overcome problems in how we communicate and interact with them. Of course, there are two sides to it: giving feedback, and receiving it.

Giving Feedback

Some people deliver feedback with relish; after all, it's easier to give advice than take it. Some use feedback as a weapon, or offer it as tit-for-tat. For others, feedback is a great way to be critical.

How you deliver feedback is as important as how you accept it, because it can be experienced in a very negative way. To be effective you must be tuned in, sensitive, and honest when giving feedback. Just as there are positive and negative approaches to accepting feedback, so too are there ineffective and effective ways to give it.

Ineffective/Negative Delivery

Attacking: hard hitting and aggressive, focusing on the weaknesses of the other person.
Indirect: feedback is vague and issues hinted at rather than addressed directly.
Insensitive: little concern for the needs of the other person.
Disrespectful: feedback is demeaning, bordering on insulting.
Judgmental: feedback is evaluative, judging personality rather than behavior.
General: aimed at broad issues which cannot be easily defined.
Poor timing: given long after the prompting event, or at the worst possible time or in front of a group.
Impulsive: given thoughtlessly, with little regard for the consequences.
Selfish: feedback meets the giver's needs, rather than the needs of the other person.

Effective/Positive Delivery

Supportive: delivered in a non-threatening and encouraging manner.
Direct: the focus of the feedback is clearly stated.
Sensitive: delivered with sensitivity to the needs of the other person.
Considerate: feedback is intended to not insult or demean.
Descriptive: focuses on behavior that can be changed, rather than personality.
Specific: feedback is focused on specific behaviors or events.
Healthy timing: given as close to the prompting event as possible and at an opportune time.
Thoughtful: well considered rather than impulsive.
Helpful: feedback is intended to be of value to the other person.

So, where do you fall when giving Corrective Feedback constructively? Think of times you've felt you were treat unjustly and how that effected you, Let those memories motivate you to do your homework before giving feedback.

Getting Feedback

The other end of feedback is getting it. Some people experience feedback as pure criticism and don't want to hear it. Others see it as spiritually crushing; a confirmation of their worthlessness. Still others only want to hear praise, but nothing that might suggest imperfection.

That's not the case for everyone, of course. Some people are willing to accept feedback and seek it out, even if it is sometimes disturbing, because they believe they can grow from it. It comes down to whether you believe feedback will harm you or benefit you.

This is not to say that we should always have to accept feedback or the manner in which it is sometimes given. We all have the right to refuse feedback, and we can expect feedback to be given in a respectful and supportive manner. But for every positive and open way of accepting feedback, there's an opposite; a negative and closed manner which pushes feedback away and keeps it at bay.

Negative/Closed Style

Defensive: defends personal actions, frequently objects to feedback given.
Attacking: verbally attacks the feedback giver, and turns the table.
Denies: refutes the accuracy or fairness of the feedback.
Disrespectful: devalues the speaker, what the speaker is saying, or the speaker's right to give feedback.
Closed: ignores the feedback, listening blankly without interest.
Inactive listening: makes no attempt to "hear" or understand the meaning of the feedback.
Rationalizing: finds explanations for the feedback that dissolve any personal responsibility.
Patronizing: listens, but shows little interest.
Superficial: listens and agrees, but gives the impression that the feedback will have little actual effect.

Positive/Open Style

Open: listens without frequent interruption or objections.
Responsive: willing to hear what's being said without turning the table.
Accepting: accepts the feedback, without denial.
Respectful: recognizes the value of what is being said and the speaker's right to say it.
Engaged: interacts appropriately with the speaker, asking for clarification when needed.
Active listening: listens carefully and tries to understand the meaning of the feedback.
Thoughtful: tries to understand the personal behavior that has led to the feedback.
Interested: is genuinely interested in getting feedback.
Sincere: genuinely wants to make personal changes if appropriate.

How tough is it for you to receive Corrective Feedback? Do you need to work on receiving better?

References:

Egan, G. (1977). You and Me: The Skills of Communing and Relating to Others. Belmont, CA: Wadsworth Publishing Hathaway, P. (1998). Giving and Receiving Feedback: Building Constructive Communication. Menlo Park, CA: Crisp Publications. Jude-York, D., & Wise, S. (1997). Multipoint Feedback: A 360 Degrees Catalyst for Change. Menlo Park, CA: Crisp Publications. Long, V. (1996). Communication Skills in Helping Relationships: A Framework for Facilitating Personal Growth. Pacific Grove, CA: Brooks/Cole. Maurer, R. (1994). Feedback Toolkit: 16 Tools for Better Communication in the Workplace. Portland, OR: Productivity Press. Rich, P., & Copans, S. A. (1998). The Healing Journey for Couples: Your Journal of Mutual Discovery. New York: John Wiley & Sons. Rubin, I. M.., & Campbell, T. J. (1997). The ABCs of Effective Feedback. San Francisco, CA: Jossey-Bass.

Turn Your Squabbles Around in 10 Seconds or Less

Ana@Your-Perfect-Relationship.com (Ana Loiselle) — Mon, 13 Sep 2010 13:01:00 +0000

You are in a disagreement with your loved one. No matter what either of you say, it’s not getting better the fight is escalating. What if in the middle of your tiff you held up a card that said;

“Talk to me like I’m someone you love.”

That’s the idea behind a book Talk to Me Like I’m Someone You Love, by therapist Nancy Dreyfus. She also designed flash cards with phrases to stop any fight. You simply hold up the card that expresses what you are feeling.

These small gestures can speak a thousand words and are especially helpful for couples who tend to bicker.

Nancy says it very well: “I created Talk to Me Like I’m Someone You Love for couples to transform unproductive, mean or just plain crummy interactions into moments of connection.”

While this book is intended largely for adult intimate relationships, this message is so on-point, wholesome and reparative; I strongly recommend showing it to just about anyone who is old enough to read it.

The book and flash cards may be just what you need to change the direction of your conversations.

Lost That Lovin' Feeling? - There's hope you can bring it back and learn to love your partner again

Ana@Your-Perfect-Relationship.com (Ana Loiselle) — Mon, 06 Sep 2010 13:56:00 +0000

Is your marriage a mess?
Don’t despair. Research shows us we can learn to love our partners again after we think we’ve fallen out of love. And that couples that stick it out end up being happy in the long run,” says Dr. Scott Haltzman, clinical assistant professor at Brown University department of Psychiatry and Human Behavior.

But you have to put the work in. Sticking it out can be tough –- especially when there’s often a lack of relationship skills to boost staying power.

And it doesn’t help that marriage is injected with the hopes and aspirations promoted by Hollywood, and expectations are so high as to what marriage will bring - or what it will not bring, like arguments. People often view their marriages as failing when, in all probability, they are quite normal. I mean, Love is never having to say I’m sorry. Give me a break! I must say it once a week -- on a good week.

So take hope. If your relationship is taking a beating, maybe your expectations are too high. People expect their partner to make them happy, but don’t do what’s needed to nurture their relationships themselves.

Tips to make your relationship work

Need a relationship rescue? Well, here are five essential ingredients for making it work:

Empathy: the ability to see things through your partner’s perspective. So many arguments start from hurt feelings, and the belief that your partner’s actions were intended, either by ignorance or by intent, to harm you. But if you stop for a moment and try to see how they might see things, and what motivated them to do the things they do, then you’d feel less contemptuous, and more understanding.
Listening: Most people listen long enough to hear what they think is what their partner wants to say, and then jump in with an answer. That’s not listening! That’s debating.

When there’s disagreement or conflict, talking is less about sharing ideas as it is being able to feel heard about whatever problem may be interfering with the happiness of the person who is speaking. Men in particular in inclined to want to jump in and fix the problem - but real listening doesn’t require an answer; it requires acknowledgment and the ability to make the person feel heard.
Putting your partner first: When we dated all we could think about was the things that we could do to make our partner happy - That shouldn’t change when you get married. Putting your partner’s needs first can bring both of you happiness.
Excitement: Studies show us that we bond better when we share new and exciting experiences. Doing the same ol’ same ol’ generates boredom in marriages, and lowers feeling of love. For people who choose commitment, they have to learn to spice up their marriage with different activities and interests.” It’s worth the effort.
Patience: You’re both gonna mess up! Marriage requires a life change for newlywed couples, but that change doesn’t come all at once. Even along the way, one or another partner will make a mistake. Don’t expect change to come over night.

Don’t Settle For Less: Say No To What You Don’t Want

Ana@Your-Perfect-Relationship.com (Ana Loiselle) — Mon, 30 Aug 2010 17:18:00 +0000

"Having what you want in your life is largely a function of learning to say no to what you don't want." It's the Universe's way of checking in with us. Do you really want what you want? Or will you say yes to less?

Too often people seem to be scared by saying “No”. The fear of rejection overcomes the desire of authenticity. It's even harder when what's in front of us is almost what we want but not quite. We think a bird in the hand is better than two in the bush. We doubt that what we want actually exists in its wholeness, and we do the settle-for-less dance.

This date is perfect except that they were 15 minutes late to pick me up. This guy is perfect except he’s got a hot temper. This woman is perfect except she’s always complaining and negative.

• Do you want someone who's on time? Say no to the one who isn't!

• Do you want guy who stays calm in the face of conflict? Say no to the one who isn't!

• Do you want a woman who has a positive attitude? Say no to the one who doesn’t!

How many of you are spending time with somebody that’s not quite what you want. Are you just kind of passing the time away with that person because you’re afraid to say “NO”?

SETTING BOUNDARIES AND OPENING DOORS TO BETTER RELATIONSHIPS

Ana@Your-Perfect-Relationship.com (Ana Loiselle) — Wed, 25 Aug 2010 15:17:00 +0000

If your life is filled with more of what you don't want and not enough of what you do want, it's time to set some boundaries. Setting and keeping your boundaries is amongst the most challenging and confusing behaviors in dating and relationships.

The purpose of having boundaries is to protect and take care of ourselves. We need to be able to tell other people when they are acting in ways that are not acceptable to us. A first step is starting to know that we have a right to protect and defend ourselves. That we have not only the right, but the duty to take responsibility for how we allow others to treat us.

How about your relationships? How well are your physical, emotional, spiritual and intellectual boundaries established and maintained in your relationships? How successful are you in protecting and maintaining your boundaries?

Setting and maintaining boundaries is a skill that you can learn; a skill that will feel more and more comfortable the more you put the behavior in action. It’s very important to learn to communicate about how another person's behavior is affecting you - without making blaming "you" type of statements. Here is a simple formula to help you do this. It is:

When you . . . . .

I feel . . . . .

I want . . . .

We set a boundary to define our territory, to protect our space - physical, emotional, mental, sexual, spiritual, financial, etc. We set the boundary because it is what we need to do for our self, to protect and take care of our self. We set it knowing that the other person may not be able or willing to change their behavior - and that we are prepared to take whatever action we need to take if that proves to be the case. That action may include cutting that person out of our life completely.

When I first encountered the concept of boundaries, I thought of them as a rubber protective suit. (I had this image of myself as a super hero wearing a rubber suit- LOL) I thought that boundaries had to be rigid and final and somehow kind of fatal.

Some boundaries are rigid - and need to be. Boundaries such as: "It is not OK to hit me, ever." "It is not acceptable to call me certain names." "It is not acceptable to cheat on me." No one deserves to be treated abusively. No one deserves to be lied to and betrayed. Other boundaries such as around arriving on time can be more flexible – but still you get to define what that is. If running 10 minutes late is ok with you then you get to say so, or not.

We all deserve to be treated with respect and dignity. If we do not respect ourselves, if we do not start awakening to our right to be treated with respect and dignity (and our responsibility in creating that in our lives) - then we will be more comfortable being involved with people who abuse us then with people who treat us in loving ways. Learning to set boundaries is vital to learning to love our self, and to communicating to other's that we have worth.

How To Read Someone You Are Into

Ana@Your-Perfect-Relationship.com (Ana Loiselle) — Mon, 16 Aug 2010 15:34:00 +0000

If you are single and looking for love, here is a fact that might surprise you. Ninety percent of what you say to the people you meet is non-verbal. Very often we give clues and signals to those we are attracted to without even realizing it.

Being able to read body language can give you clues as to whether someone has a romantic interest in you or not. By accurately reading their body language you will be able to determine if the other person is feeling comfortable around you and eager to get to know you better.

1. How close a person stands to you can be one of the most important body language clues to whether someone is interested in you romantically or not. Their proximity to you can be directly proportional to their romantic interest in you. In other words the closer they stand to you the more interested they are in you romantically and the farther they stand away from you the less interested they are in pursuing a romance with you.

2. When a person crosses their arms, it may mean any of the following:

a) When You're Talking - They may not agree with what you said, and may be doubting or suspecting you. They may have a bad impression of you and may not wish to continue talking with you. It may also depict arrogance or defensiveness.

b) When Their Talking - They may be hiding something from you, or may even be lying. A person engages in this protective posture when they feel anxious or nervous.

c) They might just be feeling cold.

3. Body positioning can also be a form of body language that can either convey romantic interest or disinterest. When speaking to someone, if their body and particularly their torso is turned towards you and leaning closer to you this is an indication of romantic interest. This body positioning leaves you unguarded and vulnerable which indicates trust in the other person.

4. Your eyes often send body language messages to those around you letting them know whether or not you are interested in them. When you have a romantic interest in someone you make eye contact and also blink often. Both of these signals let the other person know that you are attracted to them by conveying the message that you are interested in what they have to say.

Avoiding eye contact lets a person know that you are not comfortable with them and that you do not have a romantic interest in them.

Remember that it may take some time to really read people in this way. Also remember that as you are looking for signs of attraction to be aware of the signals that you are sending out as well. Keep in mind that this is not an exact science. The general idea is to look for many signs together to give you a clearer picture of a person's interest or intentions.

What Are Your Relationships Saying About You?

Ana@Your-Perfect-Relationship.com (Ana Loiselle) — Fri, 06 Aug 2010 16:19:00 +0000

Do you find yourself attracting the same relationship issues into your life? Your life and relationships are a perfectly polished mirror for what is in your sub consciousness.

Mirror, mirror...

If you ask your mirror the questions, "What are my best attributes?" or "What are my flaws?" there's a limitation to the accuracy of your reflection. After all it's just you - evaluating you. But, if you take the same approach and incorporate relationships into your evaluation, patterns will emerge - and the picture is likely to become much more complete.

One concept having to do with this is, "When you don't like something in someone else, it's reflecting something within yourself that you don't like." You might have heard about this principle, and wondered about it, as I have. How could it be? I didn't like people who are liars or super into themselves. Did that mean that somehow I was being that way? Try as I might, I couldn't see that in myself. It has taken me many years of observation and contemplation before I have finally made some sense out of it.

Whenever you don't like a trait in someone else, it's usually reflecting something within you that you've concealed from yourself. It also may be that you recognize the potential for that trait within yourself, and don't like it. You don't have to act on those attributes you don't like. But when you find out how the qualities you dislike are expressing in you, and accept them, the energy around them melts away. You no longer have to attract people who are reflecting the parts of you that you've masked.

The Universe simply sent these relationship issues into your life as sign posts to teach you to accept yourself. All of yourself. The Universe accepts you unconditionally as you are. Wouldn't you want to accept yourself as much as the Universe does? This is a very empowering realization.

The Flake Filter - How to Flake Proof Your Date

Ana@Your-Perfect-Relationship.com (Ana Loiselle) — Mon, 02 Aug 2010 16:23:00 +0000

It can be extremely aggravating when dealing with flakes. You know what I'm talking about: the "no-show" flakes, or the promising first couple of dates that lead nowhere?

Don’t worry, it happens to each and every one of us. We meet a wo/man, who seems into us, and then, just as we are about to reciprocate they FLAKE. Ugh… our hearts drop. What happened? What went wrong? There is no fail-safe method to preventing this, but there are some tried and true tips to help stave-off the dreaded flake out.

Here we go.

1. S/he asks you out and does not follow through within a reasonable amount of time. There is not much point in asking someone out and not taking action for several weeks. You can expect this kind of behavior in the future.

2. S/he says they'll call and doesn't. If you don't enjoy repeatedly waiting for the phone to ring why put up with it?

3. S/he comes on strong and then as fast as they came on they’re gone. Don’t waste your time with someone who is waffling you deserve to have someone that’s consistent.

When you meet someone you find appealing, always keep in mind that chemistry is simply one element in your assessment process to help determine whether they are partner material. Don’t compromise your values with flakes when dating, apply the 50/50 rule:

• Equally Interested

• Equally Engaged

• Equally Giving

• Equally Attracted

• Equally Concerned About the Growth of the Relationship

In a new relationship there is absolutely no reason to compromise and cross the 50% line. Remember you are the “chooser.” Bring reason into the equation. Take things slow and steady. A relationship is not a race, and indeed running this race too quickly may mean starting all over again because you didn’t take the necessary time to thoroughly screen your partner.

Your ideal partner is your equal and should not be idealized or put on a pedestal. You deserve an amazing mate. Don’t forget it. And don’t forget how amazing you are, with all you have to offer a partner.

Do You Struggle With Being Angry?

Ana@Your-Perfect-Relationship.com (Ana Loiselle) — Mon, 26 Jul 2010 15:06:00 +0000

Have you ever been angry about something that someone did, said or didn’t do? Most likely, you feel that person has done something wrong or is just plain wrong.

When we feel angry, three things are happening. 1) We are upset because we are not getting OUR NEEDS MET. 2) We are BLAMING someone else for not getting what we want. 3) We are about to speak or act in such a way that will almost guarantee we will not get what we need.

Statements from an angry spouse such as: "You’re never home!" "You’re always working!" "You spend way too much time with your friends!" imply wrongness. Keep in mind that other people's actions can never "make" you feel any certain way. Feelings are your warning indicators. Your feelings always result from whether or not your needs are being met. Anger results from focusing your attention on what another person "should" or "shouldn't" do and judging them as "wrong" or "bad."

Stop Blaming and Start Getting Your Needs Met

When you're angry you are likely to have "blame thinking" going on in your head. Inside of "blame thinking" you have emotions and these are caused by unmet needs. When you can get conscious of your "blame statement" you can begin to explore your feelings and use these feelings to get clear about which of your needs are going unmet.

It helps to remember that you can make life enjoyable for yourself and others if you focus your attention on what you need and put aside any ideas of the other as "wrong" or images of them as the "enemy." Make it your goal to attend to your underlying needs and to aim for a resolution.

When your feelings have served their purpose – when your attention is fully focused on your needs and values – then anger melts away.

Ask For What You Need

The beauty of being able to correctly interpret your angry feelings as warning signals is that once you discover what you need, you are back in a powerful position to act toward getting your need met! Instead of throwing out accusations clearly state what it is you need. "I realize I need more companionship than I'm getting." "Would you be willing to agree to spend every Tuesday and Saturday evening with me?"

Give it a whirl. I'd love to hear what your outcome is.

Adapted from Center for Nonviolent Communication www.cnvc.org

How to Write the Perfect On-Line Dating Profile

Ana@Your-Perfect-Relationship.com (Ana Loiselle) — Mon, 19 Jul 2010 15:07:00 +0000

Your online dating success is partly dependent on your ability to capture the interest and imagination of others through the words you write. While the task of writing a good online dating profile may be daunting for many people, it just takes a little time, effort, and know-how.

Here are some tricks of the trade to get noticed by the people you want, while weeding out the ones you don't:

REMEMBER: A good online dating profile should describe you (40%); the person you want (40%); and the relationship you want (20%)

1. Make the ad unique. Most people stick to generalizations: "I like reading, I love going to the movies or I have a pet". To set yourself apart, reword your ad so it gives out something more, such as "I enjoy Stephen King and Shakespeare, I could watch comedies all day or my dog is my favorite guy". Not only do these little details say a lot more about your personality, but also make you more interesting to the reader.

2. Spell out what you want. Saying you’re looking for a “nice guy” could mean almost anything. Instead, explain what that means to you: a guy who loves cats, who is nice to waiters or who would call just to ask if you got home safe. If career, ambition or a love for the outdoors are important to you, say that too.

3. Don’t Fret About Your Past Dates. Here’s another good writing tip to remember: don’t go on endlessly about your last relationship. It simply smacks of either desperation or bitterness. If your online dating profile suggests you’re still living in the past instead of looking to the future, other members will ignore you in droves. Baggage is so unattractive unless you’re going on vacation.

4. A Picture Tells a Thousand Words. A picture greatly increases your prospects. Many people simply don’t respond to profiles without one – would you? Be open and post a CURRENT and good picture of yourself. Don’t worry that someone you know will see it– after all, the only way they would see it is if they too are looking for someone online!

5. The Headline. Always remember this: The headline is the most important element of your personal ad. It's your first written contact. So make it count.

And to prove how important the headline is, studies have shown you have three seconds to capture the attention with your headline. If it's boring, he/she won't click on it, and they'll move on to the next one.

6. Update and keep it current. You don’t need to rewrite your entire profile each week, but go ahead and change a few key items like the last movie you saw or book you read. Doing this will also continually move you up to the top of the search list for new online daters new to the system.

In the end, remember to be yourself and let others know what you want. It will save you a lot of time and effort and just might pay off! Good luck!

ARE YOU LISTENING? Keys to Successful Communication

Ana@Your-Perfect-Relationship.com (Ana Loiselle) — Mon, 12 Jul 2010 14:46:00 +0000

When most people think of communicating, they visualize talking and getting a point across in a clear, effective manner. Speaking or writing to communicate a message is only part of effective communication. The complementary part of communication is listening.

Poor listeners, underdeveloped listeners, are frequently unable to separate their own needs and interests from those of others. Everything they hear comes with an automatic bias: How does this affect me? What can I say next to get things my way? Poor listeners are more likely to interrupt: either they have already jumped to conclusions about what you are saying, or it is just of no interest to them. They attend to the surface of the words rather than listening or clarifying what’s “between the lines.” When they speak, they are typically in one of two modes. Either they are "downloading"—regurgitating information and pre-formed opinions—or they are in debate mode, waiting for the first sign that you don’t think like them so they can jump in to set you straight.

Deep Listening involves listening, from a deep, receptive, and caring place in oneself. It is listening that is generous, empathic, supportive, accurate, and trusting. Trust here does not imply agreement, but the trust that whatever others say, regardless of how well or poorly it is said, comes from something true in their experience. Deep Listening is an ongoing practice of suspending self-oriented, reactive thinking and opening one’s awareness to the unknown.

Discover deep listening

Start with your next conversation: Notice when your mind moves into distracting thoughts, judgments, memories, or interpretations; when you want to say something; when you're trying hard to listen; or when anything takes you out of the moment. Don't judge yourself, feel guilty, or try to figure out why you weren't listening or for how long--just acknowledge it, let it go and gently bring yourself back to listening.

Here are three more tips:

Have a genuine sense of interest: What is it about this person that I really want to know?

Be aware of the feeling between you and the other person. If it's heading toward judgment, irritation or impatience, then you've moved out of the moment and out of deep listening. Bring your awareness back to the feeling of genuine interest in the other person.

Deep listening offers the following benefits.

It's calming. It enables us to step outside our problems and clear our minds of personal thoughts. In a sense, it's like meditation--the goal is to let go of thoughts, just let them drift away.

It leads to feelings of connection, caring and compassion. Deep listening allows for a heart-to-heart connection. We more accurately hear what another person is saying--not just the words, but the intent of the words. Seeing past the defenses and external behavior, we experience the other person's true self and discover that it's not unlike ours. This feeling of unity, of non-separation, is the wellspring of compassion.

It helps us to communicate. Deep listening creates true understanding. If people can communicate, they can begin to live and work together more harmoniously, uniting hearts and minds. And that leads to cooperation, and connected relationships.

A LESSON IN LOVING – DEVELOPING RELATIONSHIP SKILLS

Ana@Your-Perfect-Relationship.com (Ana Loiselle) — Mon, 05 Jul 2010 20:36:00 +0000

The thought of having a relationship is exciting, isn't it? Falling in love, romantic dinners, and passionate sex.

If you’re like me I really thought that simply being in love was all it took to make a relationship last forever. But what I’ve gradually learned over the last 3 years is that maintaining a happy fulfilling long-term relationship requires certain skills.

The same situation exists for millions of other people who start out deeply in love and over time, the love they once shared gradually disappears. It is so sad that we spend our entire lives getting an education in all kinds of other subjects, except in the one area of our lives that has so much impact and importance – relationships.

Knowing what I know now, I understand the reason why the majority of people who fall in love and then start a relationship usually end in disaster. From my training & research, one of the variables you can do something about is the process of learning the Dynamics of Relationship Skills &Management. These are learned skills.

Anybody with desire, commitment and the unending willingness to learn can master this art and science:

SELF OWNERSHIP - If partners are willing to assume ownership of their feelings and behaviors, a strong healthy foundation is created. If either partner feels bad, they are willing to embrace that feeling as THEIRS, and will communicate that feeling to the other partner as an "I" message. such as, " I am tired, angry, etc."

GOOD LISTENING BEHAVIOR - Good listening creates an atmosphere of mutuality, respect, self-control, and communication simplicity. In relationships, good listening requires clearing one's mind and hearing the other's utterances with- out any inner clutter.

EFFECTIVE NEEDS NEGOTIATION - Each partner has their own needs that inevitably will differ from the other partner. This occurs even in highly compatible relationships. Effectiveness in gratifying these needs differences involves the old-fashioned art of compromise. Compromise allows each partner's needs to be gratified in a smaller or postponed measure for the good of maintaining relationship harmony.

ABILITY TO STAY IN THE PRESENT MOMENT - One of the biggest sources of relationship difficulty is the inability to stay in the present moment. Distortions in the communications process are often caused by the listener contaminating the process with their inner historical issues. Problems they encountered in past relationships influence their behavior with their current partner.

TOLERANCE OF DIFFERENCES - Any difference between two people is a potential for conflict. Conflict breaks out when needs negotiation fail and tolerance is absent. No two people are alike, even the highly compatible. The most functional relationships strive to neutralize as many incompatibilities between the partners as possible, compromising the differences when possible, and tolerating the differences when not.

ON GOOD BEHAVIOR FOREVER - A garden needs sunlight, water, nutrients, and bug maintenance, and so do relationships! Often people get the crazy idea that relationships are self- maintaining, and without the necessary active, ongoing care, the garden-relationship withers and dies. We should always be on good behavior in our relationships. Why would we not be! The sunlight, water, and nutrients of good behavior are tact, politeness, and gratitude.

*Tact means thinking about our words and behavior before they are "released" by us; particularly how it will affect our partner.

* Politeness refers somewhat differently to the formal respect and importance we give to our partner, such as please, and thank you.

* Gratitude is an attitude that expresses our appreciation not just for our partner's efforts, but particularly for who they are, and for the radiance they bring to the relationship. Politeness is saying "thank you"; gratitude is being thankful.

GOLDEN SILENCE - In deep relationships, words are often essential, but at times, words can be COUNTERPRODUCTIVE. The times when Golden Silence should prevail is when words and facts will cause the partner to suffer, and also times when silence can be used to prevent the upward spiraling of conflict, such as a "time out". Silence, however, should never be used as a weapon of chilly anger, withdrawal, or rejection.

NON-REACTIVITY - Non-reactivity is a special relationship skill that is dependent on one's temperament, communication style, frustration tolerance, listening ability, insight, and humility. It is a challenging skill for some people to develop. Partners who are competitive, immature, litigious, aggressive, or addicted to being "right" are at the highest risk for reactivity. This skill needs ongoing monitoring and perfection, so calmness versus conflict will prevail.

ABILITY TO INTERNALIZE AND WORK THROUGH CONFLICT - When we are able to solve our problems internally, we sometimes feel some personal discomfort, but we avoid the potentially greater discomfort of drawing our partner into a problem that may be entirely our own. This can create considerable simplicity, when it is either unnecessary or nonproductive to involve our partner in personal conflict resolution. For instance endlessly coming home to someone and complaining repeatedly about the same problem without fixing it can cause eventual damage.

READINESS TO PROVIDE EMOTIONAL SUPPORT - Firm relationships are maintained when it is clear to both parties that each person is committed to providing the interventions needed to help the other when necessary and appropriate. This indicates active caring that increases comfort and safety between people.

SENSITIVITY TO PARTNER'S FEELINGS - Sensitivity to the other partner's feelings provides emotional support, but is a far more ongoing state NOT CONTINGENT on a problem situation, but rather a demonstration and commitment because of the other person's importance to us.

A successful relationship is the fruit of caring attention, but don't be hard on yourself when falling short of your ideals. Practice makes perfect...

Best of luck!

adapted from the Relationship Handbook by Jan Maizler, MSW, LCSW

To Take It Personally Or Not?

Ana@Your-Perfect-Relationship.com (Ana Loiselle) — Tue, 29 Jun 2010 18:10:00 +0000

How many reactions do you have a day about other people’s behaviors, words or actions? I know I can spend way too much time telling myself stories about what other people say and do. What about you? Do you spend a lot of time judging and talking about other’s behaviors?

When we take what others do seriously, we are agreeing with their perception or behavior. It’s a choice we each make every day whether to focus on the positive or negative actions of others.

Because this is easier said then done I'll share with you the four strategies I use to NOT take things personally:

1. Give the benefit of the doubt. If you have a habit of taking things personally, it means that you're apt to assume someone is directing some form of aggression towards you specifically, when they might be just joking around, or having a bad day. It might be your instinct to react, or curl up into a ball emotionally, but pause for a second. Maybe it's not about you. Learn how to gain control of your emotions.

2. Refocus your attention. When you take things personally, you shift your attention from what they said or did to how you feel. Unless you move on from that point, it's likely that you'll ruminate, and the negative feeling will be amplified. Instead, focus again on the other person.

Look at how the person treats others. They might tease, pick on, or even insult everyone they cross paths with. Some people are just antagonistic like that.
Consider their insecurities. Could they feel threatened by you in some way? If so, don't feel bad for being your awesome self. Think about how you can help this person feel better about themselves.
Keep in mind that the other person probably has poor communication and emotional management skills. Imagine that there's an inner child acting out, because the person hasn't learned how to deal with things in a mature way. It's much easier to be patient and feel compassionate when you visualize a learning child at the helm of their behavior.

3. Remind yourself that you don't need anyone's approval. If you're especially sensitive to people's behavior towards you, to the extent that you regularly overreact, it might be because you've got a strong radar for rejection. If you pick up on any kind of displeasure, you worry that you're doing something wrong, and you want to fix it eagerly. But just because someone isn't happy with you doesn't mean you've done something wrong. In many cases, it means that person isn't happy with themselves, and expects you to fill in the blanks (which is impossible).

4. Stop taking compliments personally, too. If you base your self-worth on how much people compliment and validate you, then you're basically allowing others to decide how you feel about yourself. If someone compliments you, it's no more personal than a direct insult. They're simply calling it how they see it, and that may or may not be accurate--only you can be the judge of that. So if someone is positive towards you, that doesn't make you a better person, it makes them a better person, because they're taking the time to be supportive and encouraging. Your value, your self-worth remains unchanged, because it's something that comes from within.

When we decide to take personally, what others do to us only adds more stress to our lives. All that negative energy that we give attention to, when in fact, we do not have any control over. Maybe we think by thinking, talking, discussing or complaining about others, we can change the behavior. Even if we share our reactions with the other, we have no ability to change it. So why take it personally? Instead, allow the other person to live with their choices.

When I decided to take the journey towards learning to let go of what others do, I started to relax more and had more energy to live my own life. Reacting to others takes a lot of energy and I don’t want to give over to others my precious assets – my time and my well-being.

It’s all about choosing what path we want to take in life…

Let me know where you are in your life around what other people do and whether you take it personally. Do you think it’s possible to let go of taking personally what other people do?

It's Summer - Jump Into The Dating Pool!

Ana@Your-Perfect-Relationship.com (Ana Loiselle) — Mon, 21 Jun 2010 16:24:00 +0000

Looking to spice up your single life a little?, add some romance?... or maybe find that perfect love connection this summer? Cool! - jump in.

But wait, first let me help you avoid the ‘cold water’ shock. Whether you want to dip your toe or dive in all at once, remember, you should take time to prepare yourself BEFORE entering the pool. I want you swim not sink here. So, jot down these vital points

1. Get help.
This is of vital importance as it’s infinitely harder to reach goals solo. There will be days when you need encouragement. So get a like-minded positive friend to help you or a personal mentor/coach. Your success rate can only SKYROCKET when you do so.

Here are some things a great coach will help you address:

Getting crystal clear about what you want and what you don’t want.
Overcoming obstacles or issues that stand in the way of your success.
Putting together a step-by-step action plan based on your comfort zone.
Inspiring you, keeping you on track and lifting you up when you are low.
Providing wisdom to help you get the best out of your dating experience and help you avoid unnecessary pitfalls.

2. There are plenty of fish.
Essential to finding someone to date is your attitude. If you are coming from a place of lack; 'there's no one to meet', 'all the good ones are taken', then that's exactly what you'll find. REMEMBER - Like attracts Like. The Law of Attraction suggests that single people can maximize the likelihood of getting what they want in their lives by planting seeds for the future they want.

Visualize what you want and feel it - experience the emotions as though the vision were REAL!
Reinforce your positive thoughts and control and stop any negative thoughts.
Be doubt-free. All you need to do is expect it. Act like you already have it. Be grateful and always expect your desires.

This information has saved people I’ve worked with from wasting precious time with incompatible people, timewasters and bad dates! Following these points will greatly increase your chances of finding a wonderful new partner or friend who suits you in less time. It may sound a bit technical, but nothing beats a little preparation.

I would love to hear your feedback and any questions you may have.

Wishing you a warm dive… or a pleasant dip!

If they are stupid enough to walk away, be wise enough to let them go…

Ana@Your-Perfect-Relationship.com (Ana Loiselle) — Thu, 17 Jun 2010 16:54:00 +0000

You will save yourself a lot of heartache.
You will maintain a sense of dignity.
You will both be better off.

Letting go. It is difficult for us in so many ways and on so many levels (just ask me - it's been a big lesson of mine). Yet, life calls upon us to do it, over and over again. Letting go is part of our growth process. We cannot move on to the new while continuing to cling to the old.

There come times, in the context of love and romance, when we must learn to let go. Maybe the relationship was not meant to be: perhaps it was hurtful to us, or perhaps it was hindering the personal growth of one or both partners. In this case, even when there may still be feelings of passion, or attraction, or just the comfort of the familiar, we must be strong in letting go of something that is unhealthy for us. …

So, how do we do it? Letting go of a relationship involves letting go of:

It has to be a clean break. Don’t tell yourself you’re going to call him one last time or give it just one more try. Don’t keep calling up friends and asking them if he’s already seeing someone new or if she’s as depressed as you are. If you are serious about letting go of your relationship you have to carve out a new existence, one that has no room for the old.
Don’t dwell on what might-have-been. Letting go of a relationship involves recognizing that it was not meant to be and that you have to set new goals and build new dreams. Avoid having unrealistic expectations or hopes that you may get back together. Or that he would change and perhaps become the person you want him to be or your problems will just get sorted out. Realize that the relationship has run its course and it is time to let go.
Fear. If you want to truly let go of a relationship, you have to forget your apprehensions and worries about being alone and how you’ll cope. And you also have to learn to trust again. Not just someone else but also yourself and your instincts. One, two or even more broken relationships doesn’t mean that we should close ourselves off from loving again.

When you are ready to let go of a relationship and reconcile yourself to keeping the past in the past, you will experience an enormous weight being lifted off your shoulders and a sense of accomplishment (ask me again ;-) that you have come out of the whole experience a much stronger person. Yhea!!!

FOR A DATING LIFE THAT’S FREE FROM DISASTER - GET YOUR DATING INSURANCE PACKAGE

Ana@Your-Perfect-Relationship.com (Ana Loiselle) — Wed, 09 Jun 2010 22:10:00 +0000

If you want a dating life that's free from disaster, you need to invest in a little insurance. As hurricane victims know, it does no good to buy insurance after the storm has wreaked everything.

Here's 3 ways to get your own dating insurance package together:

1. Be ready. Some folks approach life as if they were jumping into a cold body of water: They squeeze their eyes shut, hold their nose and jump. Who knows if they know how to swim? It's far better to go into dating with your eyes open and your senses sharp. Take some time and review your current situation. What needs attention? Your physical self? Your surroundings? Your fears? Your career? Your relationship skills? Taking care of yourself first will help ensure your future success in love.

2. Get a life. Nothing is more unattractive than someone with nothing to offer. While having space in your life for a partner is important, too much space will seem overwhelming to another. It's not up to a future partner to give you the life you haven't made for yourself. Get out and get active!

3.Enhance your good luck. Many singles are so discouraged about the process of finding love that they can't help but feel unlucky. And most folks feel that there is little they can do to influence Lady Luck. But research has found that is not so. What you think about comes about - good -- or bad. Taking steps to be the kind of person you want to attract will help you find the best of the best. Above all, expect good fortune in your life. What have you got to lose? More bad luck?

If you are still not sure of your ability to adequately insure yourself from dating failure, why not take advantage of my experience? I want you to get what you say you want: love!

Different relationship - same problems?! What you can do to get out of this rut

Ana@Your-Perfect-Relationship.com (Ana Loiselle) — Tue, 01 Jun 2010 20:31:00 +0000

Are you baffled that you keep finding yourself having the same type of relationship problems, over and over again, with different partners? For some unknown reason, does every partner not quite have what it takes to give you the love you truly desire? Does every relationship ultimately ends up in the same stale place, missing something essential, or repeating a unhealthy pattern of distance, unavailability, neglect or even abuse?

The lesson is that nothing will change in our lives until we change from the inside out. Our lives are a perpetual treadmill of opportunities for learning, constantly coming our way, again and again, until we heed the call and shift our attitudes, perceptions, feelings and/or behavior. So if you feel stuck on an endless treadmill of unfulfilled relationships, or no relationships at all, look inside for the answers.

Who and what are you attracting into your life? What gratification do you get from reliving these behaviors and feelings over and over again? What needs to shift inside of you before you start getting a different result? What lesson have you not learned yet? What keeps coming up again and again in every relationship, or every attempt at trying to start a relationship? What is the universe trying so hard to tell you, that you just don't understand?

Whenever we get stuck in patterns that we don’t like or that are unhealthy for us, we have to learn how to break the cycle. As the old saying goes, “If you don’t learn from history you will repeat it.” Since we cannot change someone else’s behavior, we must examine our own patterns in picking the wrong person. In doing this, we can begin to conceptualize healthy relationships and hold that as our new standard.

Unhealthy Relationships:
1. We mistake love for physical attraction, neediness and the need to rescue or be rescued. (Examine how your desperation effects your perception)
2. We choose emotionally and physically unavailable people in relationships. (Examine your fear of intimacy)
3. We pick people who treat us poorly by being punishing, critical, controlling or demeaning. (Examine your low self-esteem.)
4. We lose interest in our own personal interests and activities and become enmeshed with the one person and their interests. (Examine your boundaries.)
5. We stay in and return to unhealthy relationships. (Examine your fear of loneliness.)
6. We begin sexual relationships or become emotionally attached without really knowing someone. (Examine your boundaries.)
7. We fantasize about who we think someone is and then are crushed when they fall short of that fantasy. (Examine what is reality vs. fantasy)

Healthy Relationships:
1. When something is wrong we can talk about it.
2. We encourage each other to be better people.
3. Having separate interests and friends isn’t a threat.
4. We can be vulnerable about feelings with some degree of safety.
5. We can handle difficult situations as a team.
6. We both are dedicated to spending quality time with each other.
7. Trust builds through our growing capacity to be honest with one another.

Many of us cannot see our own blind spots in relationships, and need the guidance of others to help us through the darkness. Fortunately, when we are ready to learn, to listen, and to discover the truth about ourselves and our relationships, we have many more options than trial and error.

Do You Have A List of Relationship Non-Negotiables (DEAL BREAKERS)?

Ana@Your-Perfect-Relationship.com (Ana Loiselle) — Fri, 21 May 2010 16:58:00 +0000

You're in a new relationship, and you're starting to see some red flags, warning you that the relationship may not be a sure thing, but does that mean you should leave? How many red flags does it take to make that decision? How do you know if the red flags mean future disaster, or are just a warning? These are tough questions to answer. But if you've identified your red flags, you can begin to get clear about staying or leaving by looking at your negotiables and non-negotiables.

These are the patterns of behavior in the relationship that either you can deal with (negotiable) or you can't (non-negotiable). A negotiable item does not go against your integrity, but a non-negotiable does. For example, if you value honesty in your relationships, and your partner is continually lying to you, that is a non-negotiable. How could you really have a healthy relationship with someone whose very behavior goes against the essence of who you are? If you compromise on this behavior by deciding that sometimes lying is okay, you are cutting into the deepest part of your psyche. Non-negotiables are those issues that you will not compromise on because it goes deeply against your values.

Negotiables are not deal breakers and are those issues that don't cut as deeply. For instance, maybe your partner is messy and you value neatness. However, messiness doesn't cut into your integrity and though it may never change, you could live with it and not feel you've compromised your very essence. It is important to know your negotiables and non-negotiables. That way, you can decipher which of these two categories the red flags fall into.

If in your current relationship most of the red flags are non-negotiables, it will be nearly impossible to have a loving relationship for more than 2-3 months. Our integrity can only be compromised for a short period of time - the honeymoon phase - before we get angry and resentful of our partner.

Use these 3 tips to help you identify your negotiables and non-negotiables:
1. Make a list of issues you know you can compromise on ~ "She's late all the time, but I can live with that."
2. Make a list of issues that you know you can't compromise on. "He says he's going to call me and either doesn't or calls much later than planned. He always has an excuse, and I want someone who keeps their word. I can't see living with this much inconsistency."
3. If you're not sure which category your red flags falls under, ask yourself this question: If this behavior never changed, could I live with it? You have to assume it may never change and that alone should help you determine if it's a negotiable or non-negotiable.

If you know your non-negotiables, there's still the issue of infatuation/love/passion/fantasy that clouds our judgment and overrides our good senses. Sometimes we ignore the signs of disaster and plunge forward anyway. That's just called being human, so don't beat yourself up if this happens. Nevertheless, knowing your negotiables and non-negotiables is important because when the fantasy dies down and you're wondering what happened, you can look at your list as a reminder. This will help you pull back, reevaluate, and have a clearer sense of what to do. The negotiables and non-negotiables are exactly the framework and boundaries needed when trying to decide to stay or leave. It doesn't matter how long you've been involved, the negotiables and non-negotiables are always there to remind us of who we are, what we want, and what we don't want.

Adopted from: Relationship and Conflict Resolution Expert, Sharon M. Rivkin, M.A., M.F.T.,

Compromise Isn’t For Dating

Ana@Your-Perfect-Relationship.com (Ana Loiselle) — Wed, 12 May 2010 19:40:00 +0000

All relationships are clearly not meant to be. Only a few really deserve your time and your efforts. Sometimes we have clouded judgment and fail to recognize warning signs that are clearly apparent. Everyone deserves to love and be loved in a relationship. You should only invest your time with those people who respect you and will treat you well. Yet, sometimes we may overlook some of the warning signs that may save us much heart ache in the end.

When you meet someone you find appealing, always keep in mind that chemistry is simply one element in your assessment process to help determine whether they are partner material. Remember you are the “chooser.” Bring reason into the equation. Take things slow and steady. A relationship is not a race, and indeed running this race too quickly may mean starting all over again because you didn’t take the necessary time to thoroughly screen your partner. Many singles are all too eager to compromise once they meet a potential partner. They think “S/he has MOST of the qualities I am looking for…am I being too picky?

If you're the one trying to work on the relationship - if you are the one that has to maintain the contact, apologize, and keep the relationship going, you are working too hard. Relationships are two way streets; both parties need to be involved. If you are involved with someone who can't pick up the phone, send an email, or come and see you, move on. The other person isn't interested in you enough to make the effort.

Your ideal partner is your equal and should not be idealized or put on a pedestal. You deserve an amazing mate. Don’t forget it. And don’t forget how amazing you are, with all you have to offer a partner.

The Fourteen Dating Traps

Ana@Your-Perfect-Relationship.com (Ana Loiselle) — Wed, 21 Apr 2010 18:20:00 +0000

A “dating trap” is an unconscious relationship choice that results in an unsolvable problem in a relationship. Getting out of the trap often means leaving the relationship. When you are single, you can do a lot more than you realize to avoid these traps and prepare for a successful and lasting relationship.

Marketing Trap -You believe that you need to make yourself more appealing to attract and “sell” yourself with an attractive packaging and presentation. When you fall into the Marketing Trap, you fear that no body wants you as you really are. By “marketing” yourself, you risk disappointment and relationship failure. So, when the excitement and promise of the “sizzle” conflicts with the reality of the “steak,”one or both of you are left feeling disappointed and angry.
Packaging Trap - You focus on the outside packaging -such as someone’s body, looks, job, wealth, material possessions - and overlook the reality of the person inside. The Packaging Trap is the opposite of the Marketing Trap: instead of seeking to sell yourself with attractive packaging, you focus on the packaging of others.
Scarcity Trap -You believe there is a limited supply of possible partners and therefore think that you have to take what you can get or be alone. The Scarcity Trap results in relationship failure because there is a temptation to settle for less: you believe you can’t get what you really want because there is not enough to go around. Unfortunately, it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy because when you expect less, you get less.
Compatibility Trap - Assuming that if you have fun together and get along well, you are compatible and a committed relationship will work. Results in relationship failure when discovering the vast difference between afun-focused, recreational “dating” relationship and a serious long-term committed relationship.Being so different, the process and criteria for choosing a recreational relationship needs to be very different from choosing a Life Partner.
Fairytale Trap -Passively expecting your ideal partner to magically appear and live happily ever after without effort on your part. Believing that finding your soul mate will just “happen.” Results in disappointment when the frogs that happen to jump into your life don’t become princes.
Date-To-Mate Trap - Becoming an “instant couple” as if giving each person you date an extended test drive. Believing that if you develop an exclusive relationship with someone you are dating, a successful committed relationship will eventually happen. Other terms for this are “Serial Monogamy” and the “Mini-Marriage.” This approach is costly use of time and emotional energy. The inertia in this trap is pressure to make the relationship work, attempt to solve unsolvable problems and fit the round peg in the square hole because breaking up and being single again is an undesired outcome.
Attraction Trap -Making relationship choices based on feelings of attraction. Interpreting a strong attraction to someone as a sign that the relationship is a good choice and “meant to be.” This approach results in relationship failure when unsolvable problems surface because you ignored the red flags while infatuated. Unconscious choices usually result in repeating unproductive past patterns. Attraction is like the radar that helps you find your target. But the Attraction Trap is blindly following this radar.
Love Trap -Interpreting infatuation, attraction, need, good sex and/or attachment as Love. “If it feels good, it must be Love.” “Love is all you need.” “Love conquers all.” You feel so in love that you believe it must be a good relationship. After the initial infatuation is gone; you spend the rest of your time together trying to get it back.
Sex Trap -Focusing on the chemistry under the covers by interpreting sex as love, using sex as a kind of “compatibility test” (if the sex is good the relationship will be good as well), or becoming emotionally attached and considering yourself in a kind of committed relationship as soon as you have sex.
Rescue Trap -Hoping a relationship will solve your emotional and financial difficulties and bring you happiness and fulfillment, something like winning the lottery. You avoid taking responsibility for your life challenges, expecting to be rescued from them. Results in desperation, neediness and relationship failure when your problems multiply instead of disappear.
Co-Dependent Trap -You expect someone to love you and give you what you want by giving the other person what he/she wants. You attempt to earn love and happiness by acquiescing, giving and helping. You really want to be in a relationship. You feel that you are not worthy as you are and need to earn love. You pursue relationships hard because you feel incomplete when you’re not in one. You want to be the hero and therefore seek someone who wants to be helped. But you learn the hard way that although it feels good to be needed, someone who needs you is not necessarily able to give you what you want. Needing to be needed often results in unconsciously attracting and choosing a relationship with a person who needs you, but - as you later discover - is unable to give you what you want.
Entitlement Trap -Believing you deserve to be happy and get what you want in your life without effort or changes on your part. Results in relationship failure as your rely on your partner to bring happiness and fulfillment and inevitably experience disappointment. “If you do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always got.”
Virtual Reality Trap - Getting involved in a relationship focusing on “potential,” hoping that some things that you really need to happen will get better or change over time. Results in seeing what you want to see and relationship failure when later reality doesn’t match.
Lone Ranger Trap -You live your single life focused on your goal of finding your life partner, believing that you don’t need anyone else in your life. You evaluate people you meet for their relationship potential and do not take the opportunity to cultivate new friends. Results in isolation, perception of scarcity of potential partners and risk of settling for less that what you really want because you don’t want to be alone.

Principles for Conscious Dating Success

Ana@Your-Perfect-Relationship.com (Ana Loiselle) — Sat, 17 Apr 2010 16:08:00 +0000

Know who you are and what you want - Endeavoring to partner when you don't know who you are or what you want is like trying to find the match to a pair of shoes you haven't seen yet.
Learn how to get what you want - Learn information, tools, and skills you will need to find your true love. Develop creative strategies and action plans. Don't leave things to chance.
Be the Chooser - Take initiative and responsibility for your outcomes. Don't react to what, or who, chooses you. Seek to create what you want in your life.
Balance your heart with your head- Make your relationship choices consciously. It's still exciting!
Be ready and available for commitment - Know the difference between dating for fun and dating for partnering. Complete business from any old relationships before dating seriously.
Use the Law Of Attraction - Become the kind of person you want to attract by developing yourself and living the life that you want. Do you have the traits you desire in a partner?
Gain relationship knowledge and skills - Prepare for the love of your life by learning how relationships work, improving your relationship skills, and deepening your relationships with your family, friends, and colleagues. Date for fun and practice. Take relationship classes and workshops. Get coaching.
Create a support community - Isolated singles become lonely in their relationships when they focus on a partner to meet all their social and emotional needs. Having a strong community of friends is the best indication that you are ready for serious dating.
Practice assertiveness - Ask for what you want and say no to what you don't want with equal zeal.
Be a Successful Single - Don't put your life on hold waiting for a relationship to happen. The best way to find your life partner is to be a happy, successful single person living the life that you really want.

Letting Go of Your Past Relationship

Ana@Your-Perfect-Relationship.com (Ana Loiselle) — Fri, 02 Apr 2010 23:28:00 +0000

I can practically guarantee that, if you are continually frustrated in your efforts to meet someone new, after a failed relationship, that there are leftover feelings and ties that are stopping your progress. I have become convinced that in order to move ahead in your life you really have to leave behind what is behind.
Have you really let go of your past relationship? Find out by answering the following statements with either True or False.

I think of my former love partner often.
I fantasize about being with my former love partner.
I talk about my former love partner often to others.
I am angry with my former love partner.
I still think my former partner and I will get back together.

I become emotionally upset when I think about my former love partner.

If you answered True to at least one or more of the above statements then you may not have completely let go of your past relationship. You are carrying around some extra baggage that could get in the way of you starting a new relationship and moving forward in a more positive way. Unless you let what has passed truly be over, its ghost will continue to haunt you, and actually hamper the arrival of the wished-for new event. This process can actually go on for years. So if you truly want a new loving relationship and it is just not happening ask yourself what you have not let go of that might possibly be in the way. Here are several steps to help you achieve the "Let Go" process in your own life:

Ask yourself what you truly want and focus on it completely, with absolutely no reservations. Example: "I want to fall in love with the man of my dreams." Period. No qualifications, ifs, ands, or buts. Believe fully that nothing and nobody can stop you from having the good that is rightfully yours.
Completely and totally forgive yourself for all past mistakes, errors, mishaps, wrong doings, etc. This means that you acknowledge what you did (or what was done to you) and psychologically move on. Really believe that whatever has happened is over!!! Whenever past-oriented thinking (like regret or nostalgia) intrudes, banish it. Replace it with visualizing exactly what you want in the present. Know that whatever it is you want, you deserve and can have, as soon as you stop believing that the past can control your life. It can't, unless you let yourself stay there.
Lastly, believe that the letting go process can and will allow whatever you desire to manifest. Nothing is in its way but the past.

Give this a try. I would love hearing your experiences with it. Believe me, it works.

Are You Ready to Meet Your True Love?

Ana@Your-Perfect-Relationship.com (Ana Loiselle) — Sat, 20 Mar 2010 04:49:00 +0000

Take the Relationship Readiness Quiz?

To assess your readiness for a committed relationship, rate yourself in each of the following ten areas. Try to be objective and honest with yourself.

Rating Scale: Rate each item on a scale from 0 to 10

8-10: Good; this area of my life is strong and would be an asset to my next relationship

5-7: OK; this area needs work, but most likely would not sabotage my next relationship

0-4: Needs Work; this area could interfere with the success of my next relationship

I know what I wantI have a clear vision for my relationship. I can envision my perfect relationship in rich detail that feels strong,very real and keeps me motivated.
I know my requirements. I have a written list of at least ten non-negotiable requirements that I use for screening potential partners. I am clear that if any are missing, a relationship will not work for me.
I am happy and successful being single. I enjoy my life, my work, my family, my friends and my own company. I am living the life that I want and I am not seeking a relationship out of desperation and need.
I am satisfied with my work/career. My work is fulfilling, supports my lifestyle and does not interfere with my availability to build a new relationship.
I am ready and available for commitment. I have no emotional or legal baggage from a previous relationship. My schedule, commitments and lifestyle allow my availability to build a new relationship.
I am healthy in mind, body and spirit. My physical, mental or emotional health does not interfere with having the life and relationship that I want. I am reasonably happy and feel good.
My financial and legal business is handled. I have no financial or legal issues that would interfere with having the life and the relationship I want.
My family relationships are functional. My relationship with my children, ex, siblings, parents and extended family do not interfere with having the life and relationship that I want.
I have effective dating skills. I initiate contact with people I want to meet and disengage from people who are not a match for me. I keep my physical and emotional boundaries and balance my heart with my head with potential partners.
I have effective relationship skills. I understand relationships, can maintain closeness and intimacy, communicate authentically and assertivelynegotiate differences positively, allow myself to trust and be vulnerable and can give and receive love withoutemotional barriers.

Score Results:

80 - 100: Green Light You are well on your way to the life and the relationship you really want. 50 - 79: Yellow Light Continue to work on the areas needed and take it slow in relationships whole doing so. 0 - 49: Red Light Take a break from seeking a partner, focus on your life and prepare for the relationship you really want

10 Ways To Increase Your Chances of Meeting Mr or Mrs Right

Ana@Your-Perfect-Relationship.com (Ana Loiselle) — Sat, 20 Mar 2010 03:29:00 +0000

More people are single today than at any other time in history: Since 1960 the divorce rate has tripled, with over half the marriages ending in divorce. The overwhelming majority of single people desire a successful relationship and fear a failed one. The old ways of dating and partnering are clearly obsolete - they simply DON'T WORK!

By using the 10 principles below, singles become 'Conscious Daters' and have a much greater likelihood of meeting the person of their dreams.

Know who you are and what you want - Endeavoring to partner when you don't know who you are or what you want is like trying to find the match to a pair of shoes you haven't seen yet.
Learn how to get what you want - Learn information, tools, and skills you will need to find your true love. Develop creative strategies and action plans. Don't leave things to chance.
Be the Chooser - Take initiative and responsibility for your outcomes. Don't react to what, or who, chooses you. Seek to create what you want in your life
Balance your heart with your head- Make your relationship choices consciously. It's still exciting!
Be ready and available for commitment - Know the difference between dating for fun and dating for partnering. Complete business from any old relationships before dating seriously.
Use the Law Of Attraction - Become the kind of person you want to attract by developing yourself and living the life that you want. Do you have the traits you desire in a partner?
Gain relationship knowledge and skills - Prepare for the love of your life by learning how relationships work, improving your relationship skills, and deepening your relationships with your family, friends, and colleagues. Date for fun and practice. Take relationship classes and workshops. Get coaching.
Create a support community - Isolated singles become lonely in their relationships when they focus on a partner to meet all their social and emotional needs. Having a strong community of friends is the best indication that you are ready for serious dating.
Practice assertiveness - Ask for what you want and say no to what you don't want with equal zeal.
Be a Successful Single - Don't put your life on hold waiting for a relationship to happen. The best way to find your life partner is to be a happy, successful single person living the life that you really want.

Planning For Your Perfect Relationship

Ana@Your-Perfect-Relationship.com (Ana Loiselle) — Sun, 07 Mar 2010 20:29:00 +0000

Most of us seem to stumble into relationships and marriage, and then continue to sort of make it up as we go along. It's been my personal and coaching experience that relationships take much more conscious planning to be successful. I would say, "Most people don't plan to fail, they just fail to plan." Sadly, but true, most people spend more time planning for a one week vacation than they’ll ever do when it comes to their relationships.

By learning how to plan now, when you are single, for what you want most in a mate…

You might not settle.
You might not select the same type of person you have in the past.
You might not sacrifice your vision or edit your dreams just so that you can slot yourself into someone else’s plan for life.
You might not do a lot of things.

A relationship plan is basically a system that you define for you and your life. It’s based upon the vision for your life, your values, and what you want most in a mate. It’s about deeply understanding yourself and what makes you happy and then defining those things that you’re seeking in a relationship and with another person.

Planning your relationship vision, prioritizing your top values, and the top values you most treasure in a relationship takes time. Think about how much time people spend planning their wedding day – one single day out of a lifetime. Some people spend 6 months, a year, or even longer. And look at the outcome ~ a divorce rate that exceeds 50% for first marriages and even higher for the second and third ones. Imagine what might be possible if that time and energy would have been invested in gaining more self-awareness, getting to really know their partner, and planning a successful future together beyond the one day reserved for a marriage or commitment ceremony? If you want to have a successful relationship, try a better method; learn more about dating and relating so you can move in a new direction. It’s time to make some changes. The sooner you start, the faster you’ll be enjoying the life that you want and deserve. Get started, create your dating plan, and claim your success!