The Blog @ Your Whole Baby - Your Whole Baby

Tackling Locker Room Myths

Jennyfer Park — Tue, 30 Aug 2022 03:02:17 +0000

Locker Room Teasing: Do Parents Need to Worry? And Does Circumcising Help?

Is it possible your child could be teased about something penis-related in the locker room? Yes. But even if such teasing were to happen to your child (research suggests it isn’t likely), it’s even less likely their foreskin would be the focus. And circumcising is no “fix” — it won’t make them any less likely to be teased, researchers say.

People can be teased for any physical characteristics, and as such, the genitals are not off-limits. For this reason, fear of being nude in the locker room is not uncommon. Thankfully, present-day calls for body positivity and autonomy have begun to be heard and the demand for privacy in school changing rooms is increasingly respected.

The olden days were weird

Showering in school has become a thing of the past, but for much of the 20th century, showers after gym class were mandatory in many school districts across the United States. Students often were expected to shower in one large room amongst their peers. Some schools went as far as to implement teacher monitoring, including hygiene checks and body inspections. For many students, these invasions of privacy were unbearable, and it was not unheard of for people to forge letters from home or a doctor to get out of phys ed and avoid imposed communal nudity.

Backed by an overwhelming outcry from students and parents, the American Civil Liberties Union in 1994 challenged a high school’s mandatory shower policy as a violation of student rights, and the policy was overturned. Schools across the nation followed suit, and by 1996, the post-gym class shower was no longer a cultural norm.

Good thing they’re the olden days

Students have a lot of valid reasons for not wanting to take part in compulsory group showers: for one, it takes time to shower, and students aren’t always afforded enough time to tend to personal needs during school as it is. Additionally, they may feel insecure about being naked in front of others — it can feed into body image struggles — and they may fear being excluded or outed by their peers during their formative adolescent years while they are figuring out their gender and sexuality privately on their own terms.

For those who do wish to wash, old open showers in some schools have been replaced with a few private stalls. The opportunities for children to tease each other about genitals are much rarer in today’s culture.

A historical summary

It is no coincidence that both circumcision and showering in schools became enforced social norms at practically the same time. With the introduction of the germ theory of disease came Progressive Era reforms focused on controlling bodies. During this time, poor people, groups of immigrants, and people of color, as well as their cultural practices, became targets for colonizers’ fear, blame, and hatred. They were referred to as uncivilized. Not surprisingly, these groups were also associated with the intact (not circumcised) penis. Genitals were viewed as dirty, and many thought circumcision was a way to keep the penis cleaner. Circumcision was used as a status symbol of being able to afford a hospital birth, which was not an option for most people at the time.

As immigration was on the rise, mass education and urbanization set the stage for public bath houses, especially in schools as housing did not provide adequate bath areas. Showers were put in school and shortly after students were monitored to be sure they bathed properly, in hopes they would spread the information to their parents at home in effort to stop the spread of disease. In modern-day housing guidelines it is illegal for tenants to not have access to a working bath area.

An intact man’s take

To demonstrate just how unlikely it would be for a student to be teased about their penis, Your Whole Baby Community Group member Bryce Cornell offered his perspective on the discussion: “As an intact male, I’d like to address the ‘He will be laughed at in school’ comment.

“This is not a thing 😉! Boys don’t look at each other’s penises in school, and they certainly don’t openly discuss other guys’ genitals with their friends. He will be laughed at regardless, whether he’s cut, uncut, big, or small, because all boys (all children) will find reasons to pick on each other. That’s part of being school aged and immature. Something about him (that other kids will actually get to see and notice) will make him different because we are all unique from each other. Changing the way his private part looks isn’t going to affect the behavior of others.”

Yep, there’s research about this

In a 2015 study surveying 290 university students from the U.S. Midwest about their high school experiences, ten percent reported having been teased themselves, and 47 percent reported seeing someone else being teased. Approximately two thirds of these incidents involved teasing about penis size, while about one third involved snarks about foreskin or “strange” penile appearance.

While the authors recognized parents’ concerns over locker room teasing, researchers also affirmed that penis surgeries — like circumcision and post-circumcision revision surgery — don’t prevent teasing, and experiencing or witnessing teasing about penises doesn’t make a teen more likely to wish their penis looked different.

From The Toronto Sun’s article about the study: “There was no difference between the [intact] and circumcised groups when the students were asked if they wished their penis had a different appearance. Furthermore, being [intact] did not increase a student’s overall odds of being teased.”

From the study: “[While] it appears that parental concerns regarding teasing related to penile appearance are valid . . . most causes of teasing may not be alleviated by surgical therapy.”

U.S. circumcision rates have been declining since their peak in the 1960s. It’s likely that around half the students in the locker room with your child will also be intact. In the unlikely event that teasing about foreskin happens, it could be teasing directed towards circumcised students! In other words, surgically removing part of a baby’s penis to prevent taunting has never been an effective approach. With intact penises becoming normalized again after several decades of interruption, it’s a worse gamble than ever.

TL;DR: Your kid probably won’t be teased about their genitals, and circumcising won’t make teasing less likely. Rest assured you’re making the right decision to keep your baby intact.

About the Author

Jennyfer Park is a Director of Equity and Diversity and Co-Vice President at Your Whole Baby. She lives in Baltimore, Maryland with her child and partner whose family traditionally leaves children intact. Upon joining the movement for genital autonomy, she noticed an extreme deficit and break in communication between some of the people delivering this information and those receiving. She now dedicates her time to distributing information about circumcision and autonomy to communities who have limited access to this information due to systemic barriers.

Screenshots of Sadness After Circumcision

Your Whole Baby Team — Thu, 10 Dec 2020 00:00:00 +0000

If seeing is believing, then these screenshots should help convince you that genital cutting is painful, and damaging and has many common complications. You can find social media posts like this from U.S. parents almost daily using search terms related to “circumcision.” Most of the world does not cut the foreskins off of their babies. We must do better by our youngest members of society.

Note: Because social media posts like this are common, we’ll update this blog post periodically with new screenshots.

Bleeding, Pain, Adhesions, Feeding Problems, & More

Feeding Problems After Circumcision Postpartum Depression & Circumcision

5 Issues You Might Have To Overcome Before Choosing Not To Circumcise

Jen Williams — Wed, 09 Dec 2020 00:00:00 +0000

Let’s be honest, it can be hard to go against the grain. There are evolutionary reasons why people are drawn to following the herd and not standing out. But, as humans, there are also plenty of benefits to being the odd (wo)man out and speaking up about things that are wrong. What would our present day look like if it weren’t for those brave people who stepped out of the proverbial line and said, “Enough is enough!”

I’m here to tell you that this issue (cutting skin off your child’s penis) is important enough that you need to step out of the line. And fear not, brave one, statistics around the globe and in the United States can assure you that you aren’t alone. You aren’t part of a fringe group. You are part of a growing movement for human rights. We’ve made a lot of positive changes in the last 100 years. We’re going to make a lot more in the next 100. We can’t be comfortable with status quo when it allows for inflicting a horrific practice on our most innocent and precious civilians. Don’t just step out of line — dance out of that line, because you are helping to make change for future generations of boys and men, children and the adults they will become.

So, that’s number 1. You’ve got to be willing to be different and go a little bit against the grain, but also know that the numbers are in your favor. Someone else in your neighborhood has a kid with an intact penis, and soon, a lot more of your neighbors will too. You’re not going to be Weird Wanda. You’re going to be Leader Louise!

Not yet convinced that this issue is worth holding up a protest sign? Watch a few videos and then come right back to this spot. (I’m waiting.) Ready now? Fabulous! Find your people.

You’re also going to have to wrap your mind around what the normal, whole penis looks like. You may have never seen an intact (not circumcised) penis. Or, you may have seen (or felt) one once back in college, but didn’t have an opportunity to give it a good stare-down. Or, maybe you’re quite comfortable with an intact adult penis, but not really sure about the infant variety. I’ll be honest, I’ve had multiple opportunities to closely examine intact adult penises. And I liked 'em. A lot.

But, an infant's intact penis was new to me. And, while I’d had plenty of exposure to intact adult penises, I’d had more exposure to cut adult penises. When my son was born, as much as I knew I was making the right decision, as much as I knew he and his future partner would one day thank me, the intact baby penis still took some getting used to in the visual effects department. It was a new sight to me. But, really, having only had a daughter previously, if my son’s penis had come out of my womb looking cut, that would have taken some adjustment for my eyeballs too, because penises smaller than pinky fingers are just not something I’d seen much of in my life.

So, there’s number 2. Realize that tiny penises look different than adult penises, so your retinas may need some time to adjust to the tiny little appendage. They will adjust, I promise. Also, if you’re more familiar with the appearance of the vulva, or with the cut penis and its associated scarring, again, just give yourself a little time.

This is a tough one. Number 3. You’re going to have to wrap your head around how and why highly educated doctors are encouraging, condoning, and performing this awful practice if it’s so wrong. Here’s what I can tell you: 1. Medicine, like everything else in society, is always evolving. Did you know that up until the 1980s, babies were routinely not given proper anesthesia for open heart surgery? That’s just one of many available examples. 2. Many medical practices from 50 years ago would scare the living daylights out of you, and 3. Doctors are also humans who are prone to the same cultural conditioning to which we are all prone. They may even be more steadfast in their convictions if they choose to rest on the laurels of their education and assume that they were taught indisputable facts, rather than remain open to an evolving understanding of the human body.

I recommend reading up on penile genital cutting statistics in other developed countries (it is much more of a rarity), checking out circumcision policy statements from health organizations around the world, and looking into doctors in the U.S. who are bravely and boldly leading the healthcare industry out of the dark ages.

You’re also going to have to know, really KNOW, that your child is not going to be a social pariah or a 40-year-old virgin because they have their foreskin. That’s number 4. How do you know this without actually knowing it? Because you will teach your kid to love and appreciate their whole body, just as you love and appreciate your whole body. And you might worry, What culturally-conditioned foreskin-phobic American will love my child with a natural penis? The answer? The kind of person you would want to love your child: someone who isn’t afraid to go against the grain, who seeks knowledge and is open to new information, who wants to experience the pleasure that foreskin will bring, who will love every inch of your grown child’s whole body, and will want to leave your future grand-babies whole and perfect, too.

And, finally, number 5. You’re going to have to be able to not buy into the “cutting off your baby’s foreskin will prevent disease” hype. The list of things that foreskin removal “treats” has changed over the years. A popular claim right now is HIV. I think it’s safe to say most people, with or without foreskin, would choose to wear a condom to protect themselves from HIV.

A circumcised adult isn’t magically protected from contracting the virus from an HIV-positive partner just because the foreskin of the penis is absent. Common sense. Furthermore, the studies used to support such claims about the “benefits” of circumcision are riddled with issues, as you can see here. UTIs? Reproductive systems with vulvas/vaginas are more prone to UTIs than those with penises, and medicinal treatment options work just fine for both. UTIs do not require surgery. If you want to talk about cancers, according to prominent cancer organizations, lifetime risk of vulvar cancer is much greater than lifetime risk of penile cancer, yet we rightfully do not use this as an excuse to remove parts of the vulva at birth. Breast cancer for all sexes is also more common than penile cancer. (By the way, you can still get penile cancer if you have your foreskin removed, but it is extremely rare regardless). We do not remove any other body parts at birth for “cancer prevention.” It’s nonsense.

In summary: It’s OK to say no. Your child’s foreskin will not ruin your life. (Taking their foreskin could ruin their life, however.) Baby penises don’t look like adult penises. Doctors are not omniscient; they are a product of their society as much as anyone else. Your adult child and their foreskin will be loved by their significant other. Foreskin isn’t deadly; if it wasn’t meant to be there, people wouldn’t be born with it. It serves a lot of important functions that will benefit your child for their entire life . . . just like having an awesome foreskin-supporting parent will benefit them their entire life.

Please, let your child be part of #GenerationIntact. No matter their gender, children are born perfect.

Jen Williams is the founder of Your Whole Baby. She is raising two intact children and is passionate about many causes, including the human rights violation of genital cutting happening to children around the world.

'I am not a doctor': YWB founder Jen Williams on what it takes to protect kids

Your Whole Baby Team — Mon, 23 Nov 2020 21:30:00 +0000

I recently had a friend ask if she could send me a picture of her son’s genitals, in hopes that I could identify the issue he was experiencing. The child’s pediatrician had told her that the boy had phimosis. According to this doctor, if the phimosis didn't respond to medication, the boy would need to see a urologist for a possible circumcision. (At Your Whole Baby, we hear stories similar to this on a weekly, sometimes daily basis. This was not an isolated incident.)

After taking one look at the picture she sent, I immediately thought, “yeast.” Most of his penis, especially the tip, was bright red. I sent the picture to a knowledgeable colleague to confirm my suspicions, and she agreed it looked like the result of yeast overgrowth. Feeling confident that my initial suspicions were correct, I emailed my friend instructions for treating her son’s minor infection: slather on the Lotrimin. Add some apple cider vinegar in his bath. Throw in an oral probiotic for good measure.

By the next morning, her son was almost back to normal.

Think about that. A pediatrician — who holds a degree in medicine and is trained to treat children — prescribed this toddler the wrong medication and was ready to send him off to a urologist for a circumcision due to . . . an easily treatable yeast infection. (I’ll repeat, at Your Whole Baby, we hear stories similar to this on a weekly, sometimes daily basis. This was not an isolated incident.)

I am not a doctor — far from it. I earned my degree in English. But I have made it my business to learn as much as I can about the normal, whole penis because I know that I cannot rely on U.S. doctors to properly diagnose any potential penis problems my son might experience. I cannot even trust them to know not to retract his foreskin.

All my current knowledge about foreskin and genital cutting comes from an online community of individuals who understand firsthand how important it is to have this information, since we live in a society frequently unfamiliar and hostile toward the normal, complete penis. Like me, many of them have spent countless hours poring over research studies, published articles, and statements from medical organizations around the world, rather than simply taking the word of the American Academy of Pediatrics. We rely on each other because the inaccurate information provided in U.S. doctors’ offices and hospitals is dangerous and damaging.

In our society, we are raised to believe that medical professionals have the answers — and oftentimes, they do. We especially want to be able to trust them when something is wrong with our children. For that reason, I understand that it may be disconcerting to take the advice of “strangers on the internet” over your respected local pediatrician. However, until more medical professionals educate themselves on the intact penis, they will continue to pass along inaccurate and even harmful information to families; as a result, parents must make every effort to keep themselves informed and protect their children.

I am not a doctor. But I do know the facts about forced retraction, yeast, ballooning, smegma, redness, the functions of the foreskin, the timeframe in which normal separation occurs, and the short-term and long-term complications caused by genital cutting. And more importantly, if there’s something I don’t know, I don’t pretend to have the answer. I turn to people I can trust, people who know more than I do, and I seek out the answers. I work with and continue to learn from an amazing community of lifelong learners, people who have made it their mission to protect children’s genitals from harm at the hands of medical professionals.

I am not a doctor and I shouldn’t need to know this much about the human penis, but as long as children are being painfully, needlessly, and permanently injured every day, I will do what is in my power to help protect their bodies.

You are not a doctor either, but you may be your child’s only advocate. Please, educate yourself so that you can protect your family.

Jen Williams is the founder of Your Whole Baby and parent of two intact kids. She is passionate about many causes, including the human rights violation of genital cutting happening to children around the world.

Looking For Unbiased Resources on Circumcision? They're Harder To Find Than You'd Think

Katie Ward — Sun, 01 Nov 2020 23:46:00 +0000

Balance Bias & Body Mods for Babies (Or why there’s no such thing as an unbiased circumcision resource)

People in the United States approaching the topic of infant circumcision for the first time are often looking for unbiased resources — materials that don't seem fanatical and do clearly lay out both the risks and benefits of the procedure.

Armed with such resources, expectant parents believe they can make an informed choice and feel confident about it, regardless of whether they decide to leave their child intact, or opt for circumcision. In addition, people coming in for a second round of evaluation can continue to feel okay with any past decisions made for them, or with decisions they made for someone else.

There's just one issue with the seeking of unbiased sources: they don't exist. Particularly on topics deeply rooted in our cultural psyche and thus controversial, like circumcision.

We all have biases. This is neither a good nor a bad thing, necessarily; it's just part of being human. We experience things, then we make value judgments and categorize those experiences so we’re better able to navigate subsequent situations.

Likewise, resources created by humans contain human biases. Critical evaluation skills, so necessary when we have ever-exploding amounts of information at our fingertips, include being able to identify biases within published materials:

Who is the author? (In other words, how might their background and experiences affect their worldview and their opinion on this subject, or their research design and implementation?)
What is the author’s purpose in producing this material?
Who is their target audience?

In the particular case of circumcision, we need to consider what biases might be present in a study authored by a doctor who has not learned the anatomy and physiology of human foreskin, yet profits by surgically removing it from other people’s bodies. What biases might we find on a web page that lists pros and cons of circumcision when the content is written by a parent who already chose elective surgical alteration for their child, or by an author whose own penis was surgically altered at birth?

Balance bias means giving two sides of a story equal weight when one side doesn't deserve it. Authors of balance-biased materials, in their efforts to evenly paint the risks and benefits of circumcision (and make people feel comfortable), gloss over the harms — problems that happen every time, like loss of specialized erogenous parts of the penis, pain, scarring, keratinization, disruption to normal bonding and feeding patterns — as well as the ethical concerns involved in surgically removing healthy, functional genital tissue from a child who cannot consent and may very well be upset about it or suffer sexual/psychological sequelae later in life.

Authors of balance-biased materials ignore or downplay information that could tip them into territory their readers might perceive as one-sided. This doesn't help anyone in informed decision making. In fact, it makes informed decision making nearly impossible.

In the case of infant circumcision in the U.S., when people say they're looking for unbiased sources that put pros and cons on equal footing, what they're really seeking is balance-biased information.

We're the only nation with medical organizations that recently have had net positive or neutral things to say about child circumcision.

Even that’s changing, with the 2016 published admission — from a member of the American Academy of Pediatrics' Task Force on Circumcision — that the “benefits” once said to outweigh risks in their now-defunct 2012 policy statement are primarily cultural, and that no legitimate method exists to determine a true circumcision risk-benefit ratio.

Medical organizations in all the other countries that actually address the issue, including Denmark, Australia, New Zealand, Germany, Mexico, The Netherlands, Great Britain, Canada, and Finland, have position statements discouraging routine child circumcision.

When they hear of circumcision, people outside the U.S. who don't practice religious or cultural genital cutting (i.e., most of the world) cannot wrap their heads around the fact that we do this. If we can step away from our common culture momentarily, and look at the following with a critical eye:

"Congratulations, it's a boy! Would you like to pay us to cut off part of his penis before you take him home?"

You really, really don’t have to dig any deeper than that.

To read a few articles that explore the concept of “balance bias” or “false balance,” click here, here, and here. [Note: These linked articles are off-site. The authors’ views expressed therein do not necessarily represent those of the Your Whole Baby staff.]

Last updated Nov. 1, 2020.

About the Author

Katie Ward is a development director for Your Whole Baby.

She lives in Western New York with her partner and three children. She has worked as a journalist and educator, and provides breastfeeding/chestfeeding support in her community. When she began looking into circumcision, she assumed there had to be a good reason so many parents were choosing it. What she learned (and continues to learn) compelled her to start speaking out in defense of children and their normal, healthy bodies.

Don't Fear The Foreskin

Your Whole Baby Team — Mon, 14 Sep 2020 12:07:03 +0000

Congrats on your whole baby!

You have just made one of the best decisions you will ever make as a parent. Now you’ve broken the cycle of circumcision and kept your child’s penis intact.

What do you need to know?

If you’re like a lot of parents in the United States, you’ve had well-meaning relatives, friends, or maybe even doctors tell you that the foreskin is going to cause your child problems.

They might insist, “It’s better to get them circumcised right when they’re born so they don’t have to have it done in adulthood,” as if it’s an inevitable fate. (It’s not.)

It’s almost like they’re reading from a script, because the comments always sound the same. I assure you, this belief that “foreskin is scary and dangerous” is nothing more than urban legend.

U.S. society has become so accustomed to cutting off the valuable foreskin that we have lost the collective knowledge of what it is for and how to take care of it. Think about it: no one needs to give you lessons on how to care for a newborn’s genitalia when that newborn has a vulva, but most people in the U.S. are clueless about what to do when a newborn has a penis.

With 70% or more of the world’s men/penis owners being intact (not circumcised), we are the exception. Most of the world knows what to do — and what not to do — with the foreskin. As one friend put it, “fussing over foreskin” just doesn’t happen in other cultures.

Most of the adults in the world have foreskin and are quite happy with its associated benefits. While the majority of current U.S. adults with penises were circumcised at birth, you can find many happily intact adults here, as well.

Thankfully the number of intact people in the U.S. is growing as more parents are sifting through fact and fiction and realizing their society’s beliefs are based on a history of sexual oppression rather than evidence-based science.

You need to know that leaving your child’s body whole is not a scary, radical decision. The foreskin is not a ticking time bomb, and you do not have to live in fear of it causing problems. It is a normal, functional part of the body. Just as most people in the U.S. don’t fret about whether to keep all portions of child’s vulva at birth for “health and safety,” there’s no need to worry about your child keeping all the normal parts of their penis.

“Hoping for no issues whatsoever with your son’s foreskin is a bit unrealistic, just like it would be to expect that your daughter would never have so much as a diaper rash. Genitals of all sexes can develop minor issues that are easily dealt with naturally or with modern medicine if you prefer. No preemptive removal of genital tissue is required!”

— Alexis Rockwell, YWB Development Director

Normal and Easily Treatable Occurrences in Whole Bodies

Redness and Irritation
Can foreskin get red and irritated? Certainly. So can the vulva. Genitals are not immune to the irritants of the environment. Be sure to examine possible external environmental causes such as bubble bath, change in diapering routine, etc. In addition, keep in mind that parts of the external genitalia in people of all sexes — like the tip of the foreskin and the clitoral hood and labia — often have a healthy flushed or darker appearance due to the presence of many blood vessels.

Sideways Urine Stream/Spraying
Does everyone with a penis urinate in a perfectly straight line? Certainly not, nor does everyone with a vulva. As long as urine is flowing freely, you’re in good shape.

Smegma
Smegma occurs in all humans — including male, female, and intersex — and in many mammals, as well. It is a natural, harmless substance. When your child’s foreskin is still fused and non-retractable, smegma might look like a white lump underneath the foreskin. These smegma pearls are not harmful, and nothing needs to be done about them. As your child gets older and becomes retractable (current research puts the average age of natural retractability at around 10 years, with a lot of variability), they will be able to rinse under their foreskin, much like teenagers and adults with vulvas rinse away smegma during a shower or bath.

Ballooning
This may sound (and look) strange at first, but ballooning is a normal part of penile development, much like menstruation is a normal for someone with ovaries and a uterus. Ballooning can happen while the foreskin and glans are going through normal stages of separation — don’t forget that they are typically fused together for the first several years of life. In ballooning, urine swirls around the head of the penis before exiting the tip of the foreskin, giving the foreskin a brief “ballooned” appearance during urination.

Infections
Might your child’s penis get a yeast infection? It could happen. (Circumcised penises also can get yeast infections.) Your child’s vulva/vagina might, too. Luckily, there are simple treatments for yeast infections that work for all humans.

Is your intact child going to get a UTI? Though not likely, it’s possible — both intact and circumcised children can develop urinary tract infections. A lot of UTIs are caused by preventable external factors such as bubble baths. Females experience UTIs at a significantly higher rate than males. Ultimately, such infections treated the same way for people of different sexes. Common effective preventive measures and treatments include increased hydration, cranberry juice, antibiotics, and breathable clothing.

One Warning

There is one potential issue involving the intact penis that you need to fear: unknowledgeable caregivers and healthcare providers forcibly retracting (pulling back) your child’s foreskin before it has separated naturally from the glans (head) of the penis. Forced retraction can cause serious issues including bleeding, infection, and scarring. Hands off the foreskin. It doesn’t need to be moved around at all until your child is old enough to move it around themselves. Educate yourself thoroughly on preventing forced retraction. (Notice: That really wasn’t anything scary to do with the foreskin. It was about scary people wanting to manipulate your child’s genitals. Foreskin isn’t a problem, but misinformed care providers are. If you encounter such a medical professional, please let us know.)

Learn About Intact Penis Care

Say it with Me: “Foreskin is My Friend”

As a mom who previously knew nothing about intact penis care but who is now two and half years into my adventures in boyhood, I cannot stress enough that foreskin is just not a big deal. It’s just there, like a toe or a cheek. I don’t worry about it or think about it any more than I worry about my son’s ears.

Because I was once on the outside of the enigmatic “raising an intact boy” scene, I recognize that you may not truly understand how easy it is until you experience it yourself, but please, do not fear the natural human body. Do not over-think your child’s penis any more than you would your child’s vulva and vagina, or your own genitals. Of course you should pay attention to your child’s health, but you should also be confident that danger is not lurking around every fold of skin.

Taking care of an intact child is as easy as taking care of a hardy plant. Pour some water on them from time to time, then sit back and watch them grow.

Welcome to #GenerationIntact.

Jen Williams is the founder of Your Whole Baby and parent of two intact kids. She is passionate about many causes, including the human rights violation happening to children around the world.

Phimosis? Learn More 'Retraction' is a Bad word

A Regret Parent's Communication Guide, From A Circumcised Son

Max Fairshield — Mon, 24 Aug 2020 18:19:03 +0000

[Editors’ note: We recognize that for a parent regretting circumcision, reading this guide can bring upsetting emotions to the surface. We also recognize that relating to our children with empathy and compassion is key to healthy family relationships, and it is important to see what being circumcised can feel like through the eyes of a child. If you’re finding that negative emotions associated with circumcision regret are affecting your day-to-day health, we encourage you to seek support for the well being of both you and your child.]

If you are reading this, odds are you had your child circumcised, and later found out how terrible and damaging the procedure truly is.

Unfortunately, the harm does not end when the surgical procedure is over. Circumcision continues to harm people their entire lives. While there is no way to take back the damage done, there are ways to help decrease future damage, both physically and mentally.

Let’s address the emotional impact of a circumcision decision, and how to mitigate that impact as much as possible for your child.

Honesty and Emotional Support

One of the most difficult parts of being circumcised is the mental and emotional damage. Though it won’t be easy, you need to tell your child the truth.

You need to tell him what happened to his body, you need to explain everything to him, and you need to be supportive.

Ideally, the conversation can begin when he has started exploring his own body, right before puberty. Some people may find their children are mature enough to be told sooner. Do not wait too long after puberty has begun — he needs to know how his body was designed to work and what steps he can take to prevent future damage, and he needs to know you’re sorry.

Children who have been circumcised can react with a wide range of feelings. Some won’t seem to care, some will be upset but understanding, and some will be downright furious. Be prepared for any reaction. It is crucial that you accept his feelings and give him what he needs, whether that be affection, help and understanding, or a lot of space. This experience will be painful for him, but not nearly as painful as it would be if he found out on his own. Being open and honest is the best course of action.

“Your son will have to live knowing the person who physically inflicted this haunting injury will never face any consequences for that action. ”

You may need to earn back his trust and respect. Keep in mind that he may actually feel threatened by and scared of you after learning what you chose to have done to his body. The same feelings may surface towards doctors, as well, so it’s important that you find him a doctor that he trusts, one who is against circumcision and understands its implications.

Addressing Negative Feelings: Worthlessness, Helplessness, Injustice

One of the negative feelings a circumcised boy can experience is worthlessness.

A boy may feel more like property than a human being when he learns what has been done to him. His body was treated as if it didn’t belong to him, so he might come to believe he is worth less than other people. A circumcised child’s self-confidence can be shattered, so you need to make sure your child knows that he isn’t worthless, that he wasn’t circumcised because you or anyone else thought less of him. Another circumcision-induced negative emotion is helplessness/powerlessness. Providing pertinent information, opportunities, and choices can help him feel more in control of his body and his life. In particular, some pubescent children will appreciate information on manual foreskin restoration, which can help a circumcised penis regain a limited amount of the functionality and sensitivity lost to circumcision.

[Note: When regret parents first hear of restoration, they often envision it as a way to "fix" their mistake. Unfortunately, restoration doesn't work like that. Foreskin restoration can be an extremely emotional process for adults, and should only be undertaken by someone who is old enough to consent and who has the mental and emotional capacity to understand the choices they’re making for their body.]

Your son may become extremely angry or extremely sad as he learns about being circumcised.

These extreme emotions result from the feeling of being violated, physically, sexually, and emotionally. You need to accept that these feelings may take a lot of time to diminish, and probably will never go away completely.

For the most part, you will have no more control over your son’s emotions than your son will. If negative emotions are affecting his ability to function on a day-to-day basis, it can help to find a mental health professional who can guide him in dealing with trauma. More people, including counselors, are waking up to the harms of circumcision. Nonetheless, it’s necessary to screen for counselors that have differing views and don’t understand circumcision as a violation of a person’s body and rights. A counselor who does not understand the harms of circumcision will only make things worse by denying the validity of your child’s feelings, and denying the existence of trauma instead of assisting in recovery.

Probably one of the worst feelings being circumcised creates is injustice.

There’s pretty much nothing you or your child can do to hold the doctor who circumcised him accountable. Your child will have to live knowing the person who physically inflicted this haunting injury will never face any consequences for that action. One potential way to help him deal with this reality is to get him in contact with that doctor, if he so desires, so he can voice his complaint (and you can voice yours). Guilt is the only weapon your son has against the doctor — you should allow him to use it. There are circumcised adults and their parents in the U.S. who have pursued circumcision-related legal action against their healthcare providers. Though such a process may be frustrating and expensive, and may not produce the desired result, for some families it may provide a degree of emotional healing. As more people recognize the damage circumcision incurs, the increasing threat of legal action may dissuade more providers from participating in this harmful practice.

“A heartfelt apology puts you way ahead of the average parent, and that means something.”

Different people respond to circumcision realities differently, and not every child is going to experience all these feelings. Some might not be too bothered at all. But many experience at least some of these feelings (sometimes without even consciously realizing it), so it’s good to be prepared for the worst. It may be extremely hard on you, as well, but if you don’t acknowledge your child’s feelings and emotions, you will harm him even more.

While much of the damage from circumcision is permanent, there are lots of things you can do to improve the situation for your child. When you admit what you did was wrong (even if you didn’t know at the time) and fully acknowledge your mistake without strings attached, it’s possible for him to see that you now recognize him as an autonomous individual, with agency over his own body. The manner in which you treat him and communicate with him can stop the situation from getting worse. These exchanges between you and your son may be difficult, embarrassing, awkward, and emotional at times, but they will ultimately help him.

Remember, you aren’t reading this because you feel happy and proud about having your child circumcised. You’ve come to your senses. You care about your son and you want to do everything you can to make up for your mistake.

No one can promise that your child will ever forgive you, or that he won’t encounter problems in his sex life due to circumcision, or that he will ever feel normal and undamaged. But you can live knowing that you won’t stand back anymore or let future harm come to your son without trying your best to prevent it. While you may feel upset that it’s all you can do, remember that most parents do nothing at all. Most parents never even say sorry. A heartfelt apology puts you way ahead of the average parent, and that means something. It’s likely your son will recognize that in time.

The best of luck to both you and your child.

For more of Max's perspective as a circumcised adult, read Circumcision: The Untold American Story.

You can also read pediatric urologist Dr. Adrienne Carmack's article on healing from circumcision.

Postpartum Depression & Circumcision

My Promise: After Twins' Circumcision Complications, Mom Shares Truth

Your Whole Baby Team — Thu, 06 Aug 2020 18:46:42 +0000

I was over-the-moon in love with my twin boys way before they were born.

We found out early that they were boys and that’s exactly what I wanted! I made them check at each appointment that the last ultrasound tech wasn’t wrong. I researched their nursery, car seats, pediatricians, all the usual baby topics. The subject of circumcision came up. My husband was circumcised as an infant and insisted that they would be just fine if they were circumcised too.

I wasn’t sure. I had seen circumcisions done in nursing school and I felt the practice was barbaric. The doctor performing the few that I had seen did not use anesthetic since “the babies are too young to feel pain the way you and I do.” I did all I could during the procedure to calm these screaming, struggling babies – gave them pacifiers dipped in sugar water, rubbed their heads, talked to them softly. I was shaken by what I saw. But it’s what we do to little boys, I was told.

They’ll get infections. They can get penile cancer. They’ll be teased. What kind of mom wouldn’t want to protect her sons from infection, cancer, and bullying? My uncertainty remained as I typed “Yes, the boys will be circumcised. Please give us more information on the procedure” into my birth plan.

I looked at my husband while cradling our sons. “Never again. This will never happen again.” He nodded his head but didn’t say anything.

The big day came that I delivered my precious sons.

I was in labor for 32 hours after an induction for cholestasis. They were healthy little boys and required no NICU time. I was so happy. We snuggled our boys for a few days in the hospital, where I recovered from blood loss after the delivery with a few units of blood. On our last day there, their fourth day of life, they came to get consent for the circumcision. I felt sick signing that paper, but my husband rubbed my back and assured me they would be okay.

I told him I didn’t want to cause them pain. “They won’t remember it” he said, “I don’t.” As we walked our babies down the hall in their rolling bassinets, tears started streaming down my face. I looked at my husband and he gave me a hug. “It’ll be over before we know it and you’ll be able to snuggle them again.” We knocked on the nursery door and handed our boys over to the nurse as I sobbed, “I don’t want to do this.” We walked back to my room.

I’ll never know exactly what happened in the nursery that day. I thought that my little boys were sleeping when they came back. Now I know that they were in shock from the horrible pain I put them through. The nurse came in to show me what to look for in circ aftercare. The gauze was stuck to one of the boys’ bloodied penises. She pulled it off, hard, and my son started screaming. Over his cries, she shouted the aftercare.

Vaseline, change diaper frequently, should heal within a week or so, check for bleeding. I threw a new diaper on him and picked him up. He cried and wouldn’t nurse. He finally fell back to sleep after exhausting himself again. I looked at my husband while cradling our sons. “Never again. This will never happen again.” He nodded his head but didn’t say anything.

Every diaper change, I stared at the bloody incisions. I put the Vaseline on them as much as I could to keep it from sticking to the diaper. They would cry each time they peed. One healed more quickly than the other. The slow healer also had adhesions, which I was told to separate or they would cause bigger issues later. I gently tugged on the little remaining foreskin with each diaper change and after three weeks, the adhesions released. “That happens sometimes,” our pediatrician said. “It’s not a big deal.”

That was the exact moment that I became a regret mom . . .

Fast forward 18 months. I found out I was pregnant again and joined a few mommy groups on Facebook.

“RIC [routine infant circumcision] is CHILD ABUSE,” screamed one of the posts.

Even though I never wanted to do it again, I thought, “Who are these people to tell a parent what to do? It’s their choice!” I clicked on one of their links about foreskin. “Who knew it had a function? Why would the doctors tell me it was extra skin?” I thought. I clicked more links — links to studies on STIs and pain thresholds, pages on intact care, and finally, statistics of circumcision rates in the world. My heart dropped. I thought circumcision was NORMAL. If it was normal, why would the vast majority of the world’s men be intact? I looked at another thread of a mom asking about infections. This caught my attention — that’s one of the reasons I was told it should be done. “Really, UTIs?!” one poster wrote. “Let me ask you this — what surgery should be done if your daughter has a UTI?”

“Well that’s dumb,” I thought. “If my daughter had a UTI, I’d give her antibiotics.” LIGHT BULB. That was the exact moment that I became a regret mom and intactivist. I may have regretted my decision before that because of the pain it caused my sons. But now I knew WHY my instincts were screaming at me that day. The guilt was intense.

I asked my husband that night if he knew that foreskin had a function. He said no. I asked him if he knew that more than 70 percent of the world’s men are intact. He said no. I asked him what surgery we should have done on our baby if it was a girl to keep her from getting UTIs. He said, “What? Why would we do that? That’s what medicine is for.” I said “BINGO. Why wouldn’t medicine work on our son then?” LIGHT BULB. He finally understood my regret in that moment and held me as I sobbed.

Our third and final baby turned out to be a boy. A beautiful, healthy, whole little boy who is loved by his whole-at-heart twin older brothers. Someday, my husband and I will talk to our boys about circumcision and the mistake we made in consenting to it. We will offer to pay for any and all restoration they have, if they so choose. I hope my sons can find it in their hearts to forgive me someday. Until that day and beyond, I will not stop talking about how RIC must end and the damage it causes. I have saved more than a few babies so far and I’m hoping to add many more!

At the time of this writing, the twins are four years old. Over the years, they have suffered from adhesions, irritation of their glans, painful erections, balanitis, a UTI, and meatal stenosis. Both have developed varying degrees of meatal stenosis, and one of my boys has required a second surgery on his penis to re-open his urethra. Before the surgery, he would kick and scream in pain when I had to wipe his glans to clean him during diaper changes, and he was resistant to potty training. The urologist said that the pain was caused by his urine creating forceful pressure against the scarring of the urethra before it released through the small area that was left of his urethral opening. The painful sensitivity of his glans was a side effect of the internal swelling. The actual meatoplasty and recovery were no picnic for him, either. There was no explaining to a 3-year-old that his penis was going to hurt for a week or more, and that it would burn when he urinated. Though it was an outpatient surgery, he was scared by the hospital environment and all of the medical personnel approaching him.

When it was time for the surgery to begin, the nurses had me gown up and carry my son into the operating room. I fought back tears as he sat on the OR table, looking around. I calmed him as they put the mask over his face to sedate him with nitrous oxide and held his hand as he fell asleep. My head hung down as I walked out of the OR and back to the recovery room. The searing guilt I felt inside was nothing compared to what my son went through that day. I was sobbing in the recovery waiting area when one of the nurses approached me to ask if I was okay. I explained that I was a regret mom and that I hated seeing my son in pain again solely because of a horrible choice I agreed to when he was born.

Instead of exhibiting compassion, she scoffed at my explanation and told me it’s better to have it done as a baby. She said I had nothing to feel bad about, and that these repairs are quick and easy and are done all the time. I put my head back down and couldn’t form a retort at that moment. I reached into my bag, pulled out an info card and handed it to her. “I used to think all of that too,” I said.

“I know that they didn’t teach me much in nursing school about foreskin and its purpose, so I’m sure it was the same at your school. Can you please look into this more and know that I’ll never stop regretting the decision to circumcise my sons?” She nodded her head and put the card in her pocket. She walked away and didn’t engage with me again. I carded every crevice of that waiting room, the bathrooms, the elevators, the ATM, and the parking deck. I was on a mission. My sons endured more than their share of pain because of an uneducated decision that was made by their parents; a decision that never should have been ours to begin with.

After the surgeon came out and explained that the surgery went well, the staff brought my sedated son back to the recovery room. His recovery nurse was an Irish man with a soothing voice. After chatting for a little bit, he saw the aching in my eyes and asked if I was okay. I told him of my regret and asked if he saw this sort of thing when he worked with kids in Ireland. He said, “Not really, since we don’t circumcise wee ones like they do here. Try not to feel bad; the culture here very much believes in circumcision. You didn’t know.” I gave him a card too. I even left cards on the surgical intake desk. We all left the hospital that day emotionally and physically exhausted.

While waiting to get the “all clear” from the surgeon regarding his surgery, I swore to the universe that I would never stay quiet about my boys' experiences — not until I don’t have to fight for the rights of bodily integrity for all children anymore. So here I am, world. Your friendly neighborhood child's rights activist — not because I want to be, but because I HAVE to be. It's my calling, my duty, and my promise.

Dad's 2nd Son Stays Intact..."I Stopped Hiding From My Feelings"

Keegan, a Pennsylvania father — Thu, 30 Jul 2020 22:45:00 +0000

Let me tell you my story:

I am male. I have two boys, ages four and almost three, and a third on the way. I was so against my first child being intact and I didn't even know why.

I had the typical arguments:

it's dirtier

religious reasons that weren't real

. . . and the age old "I'm circumcised so he will be too."

I bullied and convinced my wife to cut our oldest child without any factual reasons.

Keegan and his family

As soon as I witnessed my oldest get cut, I immediately knew I had made a bad decision.

While in that room, I witnessed first-hand a total of five circumcisions. Seeing how those boys reacted and changed was just heartbreaking. I knew in my heart and mind that it wasn't right, but still continued pushing my reasons for getting it done.

Fast forward a few months. My wife started talking to me about keeping our second son intact. I was against it, yet again. I didn't even have any reasons other than I was cut. I argued and belittled her, but I secretly researched it (plus my wife sent me links). Her information and persistence finally got through to me as I realized that I didn’t want to have this new baby circumcised, either.

I could tell my wife was so relieved. It was one of the best parental decisions I have ever made. My second son is now almost 3 and he is intact. He has had literally zero issues. If you knew me, you would understand that it’s very hard for me to change, and yet, I did. I stopped hiding behind my feelings and started thinking and speaking factually.

My third son will also be intact and I'm damn proud of that. My second and third sons’ penises will be different from mine, and that's okay! They are the way nature made them and I love that. I am actually envious that they are intact and I'm not.

“I bullied and convinced my wife to cut our oldest child without any factual reasons.”

I've read stories about moms who don’t want to circumcise but the dad does. I know what that’s like because I was in the same boat, and now I have two (soon to be three) sons, one intact and one not. My whole point is that I would like to help. If you're a woman in the same position as my wife once was, please have your husband or boyfriend message me and I will get a lot more in depth with them about my experience.

““My third son will also be intact and I’m damn proud of that.””

I want fathers to know it’s okay for your son to experience something different from what you experienced and it’s okay to challenge what you were told your entire life.

I'm begging all of you unsure dads to please message me!*

*Please contact Your Whole Baby if you’d like to get in touch with Keegan.

Contact YWB MEN SPEAK OUT

Pediatrician Weighs In On Circumcision As Human Rights Issue

Dr. Kenneth Zatz, MD — Wed, 22 Jul 2020 23:00:00 +0000

In a post on my office page two years ago, I expressed my hope that patients in my practice would take the time to thoughtfully consider whether they should have their infant boys circumcised.

I was unprepared for the outpouring of opinions on both sides of this discussion that reached far beyond my little town.

All I asked of those families I care for was to weigh the arguments for and against, and make a thoughtful, informed decision going forward.

Since then, I have taken great care in continuing to review the literature on circumcision. I was recently at the American Academy of Pediatrics annual convention in Washington, D.C., where pro-intact demonstrators greeted us daily, which led me to again consider my position.

“It is a surgery performed with little or no anesthesia on a helpless, restrained infant. It hurts…a lot.”

There was no information presented at these meetings about circumcision despite it touching the lives of so many. During a break, I asked my two 20-something servers at a restaurant what they thought about circumcision. Answer #1: “You have to do it to prevent disease.” Answer #2: “It’s so dirty if you don’t. How are you supposed to clean it?” These answers have become the default in our cultural consciousness.

There are a lot of medical arguments attempting to justify circumcising our newborn boys. There are many statistics touting the benefits for urinary infections, HIV transmission, penile cancer, and other issues. These benefits are often marginal, debatable, or irrelevant to an infant. Websites such as that of the American Academy of Pediatrics can provide the most positive view of this procedure.

Even if some of the arguments supporting routine circumcision were valid, this debate for me is a human rights issue. I am not a lawyer or an ethicist, but I rely on my internal compass to tell me how far we can impose our will on another who has no say in the discussion. This is a debate about how far parents’ rights extend over onto the body of their child. Whatever one thinks about the benefits of this procedure, it is a procedure.

Pediatrician Dr. Kenneth Zatz

It is a surgery performed with little or no anesthesia on a helpless, restrained infant. It hurts . . . a lot. It takes the better part of a week to heal. It alters the appearance of the baby’s penis forever. It removes countless nerve endings and alters sexual pleasure forever. It has a complication rate. The penis cannot be returned to its original state. All of this is done without the benefit of informed consent from the recipient of the procedure. I am not comfortable that we impose this choice on our children.

The culture of circumcision is not going to change from the top down. This change can only come from the bottom up. There will be fewer circumcisions only if parents request fewer circumcisions. I believe they will request fewer circumcisions if the fact that this is a choice is brought into their consciousness and if they are given proper information. I do my best to counsel families when I have the opportunity to see them prior to delivery. I would ask those who have thought about this to raise the circumcision question with those who are soon to have children. In my experience, many, if not most parents have never actually truly thought about it. Ask questions. Provide information. Direct them to organizations that can provide more information.

Some surgeries are necessary. Routine infant circumcision is one that is not.

If we aspire to be a compassionate society, it is our obligation to extend that compassion to the most helpless. We can all help break this painful chain . . . one foreskin at a time.

Dr. Kenneth Zatz is a practicing pediatrician in New York.

Start Your Research Proper Intact Care

Two Moms, One Decision: Should We Circumcise?

Melissa Pompa, YWB Pennsylvania State Director — Sat, 18 Jul 2020 22:45:00 +0000

Melissa and her ex-wife.

In the fall of 2012, my ex-wife and I were expecting our second and final child.

Our first child — a daughter — was just under 2 years old. We were okay with raising a daughter because, well, we were two women. . . but a boy would be much different. We suspected this little one was a boy, so the thought of circumcision had crossed our minds, but we hadn't yet made a decision. I purchased some cloth diapers online from a woman named Emily before we had our anatomy scan to find out the sex of the baby.

During our conversation, she asked, “This baby, your son . . . if he’s born, is he safe?” (She was asking if we were leaving the baby intact.)

My reply: “Baby’s not born and is safe in my belly and we haven’t decided about circumcision yet.”

Emily responded, “Well, intact genitals are a HUMAN RIGHT.”

That day, a seed was planted with those few words. A few weeks later we did confirm that I was carrying the most perfect little boy. So now a decision had to be made.

Or did it?

This is where it began . . . the turning point in my life. The research started simply enough with YouTube and Google.

Melissa wears her son in a carrier on her back, and her ex-wife holds their daughter, while the family looks out at the water.

First stop was a YouTube video of a circumcision. I could only get to the part where they strapped the little baby boy down and started to inject his penis with some sort of numbing agent. (Later on, I learned this is lidocaine and it doesn’t eliminate the pain, even if it’s given the correct amount of time to take effect.) I felt sick to my stomach. This wasn’t going to happen to my little boy. I closed the laptop and looked at my ex-wife and told her there was no way in the universe we were doing that to our son. I couldn’t bring myself to watch a circumcision (and to this day I haven’t) — how could I hand him over to a stranger to do this to him?

There was a bit of resistance from my ex-wife. “He will possibly be made fun of for having two moms,” she worried. Families are so different now; that wasn’t a real concern for me. “He will be made fun of for not being like other boys.” He’s not like other boys. He’s unique, and because of that, he will never be like other boys. Why would we alter our son’s penis because of some hypothetical chance he would be made fun of? This really didn’t make sense to me.

Meanwhile, I asked a few friends, who quoted the tired old comments:

“It’s cleaner.” (IT’S NOT.)

“It prevents infections.” (IT DOESN’T.)

“It’s required by the Bible.” (IT’S NOT.)

This helped solidify my decision: I couldn’t find any research that supported the reasons people were giving me to cut my precious son.

Melissa’s children walk along a boardwalk in a grassy field.

Google led me to other parents who were choosing to keep their little boys intact (not circumcised). I found Facebook groups full of people who were educating others about the benefits and functions of the foreskin.

My ex-wife took to the Internet to do her own research. A few days passed, and we talked about it. She had come to the conclusion that there was no medical reason to circumcise. This was a decision we didn’t have to make, we wouldn’t make, we couldn’t make for him. This would be a decision HE would make if HE wanted to cosmetically alter his penis as an adult. (Yes, it’s 100 percent a cosmetic procedure.)

We agreed that we would educate both of our children about the importance of foreskin and its functions. Our daughter and son will always learn from us that their normal, complete bodies are beautiful and worthy of respect.

Members of the LGBTQIA community have had to fight for their rights at every turn of history. How could we, as two lesbian women, have fought all these years for our basic human rights to marry and love who we love just to take those same human rights — his right to his natural body — away from our son?

HUMAN RIGHTS are HIS RIGHTS also.

TRANS RIGHTS & CIRCUMCISION Talking to Your Partner A Human Rights Issue

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Parents Cancel Son's Circumcision Just in Time...'I Want him Back!'

Your Whole Baby Team — Thu, 16 Jul 2020 12:40:22 +0000

(last name withheld at author’s request)

It was three years ago when my husband and I found out we were having a boy during my anatomy ultrasound.

There was no question in either of our minds as to whether he would be circumcised. We happily checked "yes" to circumcision on our birth plan without a second thought. It was the normal thing to do. All our friends who had recently had baby boys had circumcised them, and my husband was cut as well. I honestly assumed that the foreskin was a defect that had potential to harm my son's health and had never felt the need to research otherwise. In our minds, it was the "right" thing to do, and we believed it would be best for our baby boy.

A couple months later, I befriended a mom through a local online yard sale group. I added her on Facebook and suddenly my newsfeed was overrun by articles and photos promoting "intactivism" — in other words, allowing baby boys to keep their foreskin. I balked at these, thinking what a ridiculous cause to support! Every man gets circumcised — it's necessary. If it were harmful, surely doctors wouldn't perform the procedure. I told my mom how silly these posts were, and even considered blocking this new friend from my newsfeed to avoid the "propaganda" she was spreading. To me, it was absolute nonsense.

Then one day, out of sheer curiosity and the desire to be reassured of just how crazy the notion of intactivism was, I began reading the articles, viewing photos, and following links. I began researching and was shocked by the truths that I discovered. I found out that the foreskin serves an important purpose in protecting the glans and in providing for normal sexual function. I discovered that America is the only developed country that performs non-religious routine circumcision (other countries find us cruel for doing so) and the rates are dropping significantly. I viewed a video of the procedure which showed how painful and traumatizing it was for the baby. I reread my Bible to discover that circumcision is actually spoken against multiple times throughout the New Testament. In short, I realized how wrong I was in my thinking and pleaded with my strongly pro-circ husband to reconsider. Several intense arguments ensued. In an attempt to keep the peace, I very reluctantly agreed to the procedure.

Our son was born on July 16 at 7:02pm. That evening, I was informed that his circumcision was scheduled for 6:00am the following morning. I couldn't sleep that night because I knew what was coming. When they came in to take him, I signed the form with my heart literally aching in my chest. He was wheeled away and I began to panic.

I remember sobbing and telling my husband, "I want him back. He's so beautiful! He's perfect just the way he is. God made him this way for a reason! I never even got to see all of him. All of his perfect little parts. Please, please bring him back!" Finally, FINALLY my husband listened. He left the room to have the nurse retrieve our son.

I found out shortly after my son's birth that ALL of the men in my family are intact, never having had any problems with infections or being "different" (read: normal).

Our sweet baby was returned to us having only been given the penile shot (which I later learned is highly ineffective as it is almost never given time to "kick in"). What surprised me most was the incredible joy and relief expressed by all of our nurses. Our charge nurse exclaimed, "I'm so glad we got to him just in time!" Another told us she had chosen to not circumcise her sons either. Yet another told us how happy she was that he was returned to us untouched. He was referred to as non-circ, so that the nurses wouldn't have to be concerned about bloody diapers or post-surgical care. His pediatrician gave us all of the proper intact care information ("Just wash it like a fingertip- never, ever retract.") For all the world, it seemed as though the only practitioner in the hospital who was pro-circumcision was the doctor performing them.

I have never in my life felt such an immense amount of relief as when my sweet baby boy was placed back in my arms, still whole and unaltered. I helped change his next diaper and surveyed all of the beautiful little body parts I had not yet seen. I was in awe.

My husband no longer worries about our son looking like him. In fact, it has come to be seen as an opportunity to explain to our son that, no matter what society says, God did not make any mistakes in forming his body. He will be taught to clean himself when it is appropriate, and that is all. In fact, I found out shortly after my son's birth that ALL of the men in my family are intact, never having had any problems with infections or being "different" (read: normal).

I am so thankful to that mom for taking the time to educate others like me who truly didn't know any different. She led me to invaluable resources that helped save my son, and for that I am eternally grateful.

I can only hope that my story will encourage other moms to protect their sons' bodies and give them the gift of being whole and unaltered, exactly the way they were so lovingly made to be!

Follow our 6 steps to learn about foreskin & circumcision

Circumcision Regret Moms Speak Out

Your Whole Baby Team — Sun, 12 Jul 2020 15:54:52 +0000

“My name is Jessica and I’m a regret mom.

“I REMEMBER PEELING HIS BLOODY PENIS OFF OF HIS DIAPER, and crying, and asking my mom what they did to him. She said, ‘All boys are born with a birth defect, and they have to have it fixed.’”

I live in North Carolina with my husband and our four children. A daughter and three sons. My oldest son sadly is a victim of MGM (male genital mutilation). Eleven years ago I gave birth to my first son, Brice. He was beautiful; absolutely everything I ever wanted. They laid him in my arms and I was overjoyed! My perfect baby! He was so content, a picture perfect baby. I delivered him with the help of my midwife. Normally after having a baby with a midwife you leave the hospital 24 hours after delivery.

We had to stay until there was a doctor available to perform his circumcision. On Brice's 3rd day of life we paid $350 to have Brice's body surgically altered because we thought it was in his best interest. Because it’s ‘cleaner,’ ‘healthier,’ ‘it's just what you do when you have a boy.’ A doctor came in and told us about the procedure. I don't remember much about what he said. I do remember my husband jokingly asking if we could keep the foreskin. The doctor looked at us like we were crazy.

I now know that he looked at me that way because he knew exactly what was about to happen to my child and we thought it was some simple painless snip and were joking about it. Looking back it makes me sick to my stomach. I asked about how they numbed him and he said with a topical cream.

I think about how Brice had to lay there, strapped down, helpless, screaming for me while someone severed his flesh with a topical cream being the only pain block.

My poor child. I was supposed to protect him. I failed. Every day I regret it. Every single day. I wish I would have researched. He has forgiven me but I will never forgive myself. He was perfect, no need for disassembly. Since then I have had two more sons. I thankfully have done my research and kept them just as I made them, whole. They’ve never had a single issue. Know better, do better. They’ve never had a single issue. Know better, do better.'“

—Jessica Henderson

“I was 25. I never gave circumcision a second thought. I read the benefits outweighing the risks claims, and the cleaner, easier, that it was just a snip, they slept right through it. The only time it was talked about was when he nurse was telling me, at a prenatal visit, that some insurance didn't cover it, but mine did. I actually said something stupid like, ‘Why wouldn't they cover it? That's crazy.’ Jump to birth. I remember them wheeling him back in, red eyes, and a little white residue on his lips from the sugar. I remember him crying and screaming every diaper change. Made me cringe.

Jump to joining some mama groups. I came across the movement. I read what they said. I tried defending what I chose for my son. The more I tried to defend myself, the more the movement started to click.

During the next couple months I went through some stages of denial and anger, etc. I did more research and looked at the other side of the spectrum. I have since fully informed myself and accepted I made a mistake. I now know the benefits of the foreskin far outweigh any claimed benefits of circumcision and that the claimed risks of the foreskin are human errors and misinformation about care. It is important to accept and admit to help end this lie in our society.”

—Angela R.

“I am a regret mom... I became an intactivist over a period of about 15 years.

I had my son circumcised in 1989 out of ignorance and because of some really dumb advice from my OB (to match dad). I had never considered the matching argument, and being 18 and unmarried and embarrassed to be pregnant felt shame at not considering something ‘everyone else’ thought of.

As soon as I opened his diaper and saw his painful, bloody penis I was horrified and felt I’d been tricked.

I was so stupid. I didn't realize it would be so traumatic. And I instantly thought how stupid — what man cares what his dad’s dick looks like? I concentrated on getting him healed, and felt that even though I wished it hadn’t been done, I didn’t think there was any permanent harm. Fast forward a few more years to becoming an OB nurse and getting exposed to circumcision again. I saw so many parents make the same mistake I did — deciding to circumcise out of ignorance or incorrect assumptions that doctors did nothing to correct. I started doing more research and that’s when I discovered that circumcision is harmful to the structure of the penis. I could no longer keep silent.”

“I watched the procedure in horror and have never let another person make decisions for my children other than me. Every day I think of the pain he suffered. Now I hold my perfect and intact baby boy, desperately wishing I could make it all better with my oldest son.”

“As a mother who cut her son, who witnessed him regress in NICU (yes I cut my 31 weeker ) . . . we (regret parents) failed our children.

I am haunted with the sounds of his blood curdling screams . . . horrible life-shattering screams that still ring through my ears. The image of his trembling body when they handed him to me is forever burned into my mind like salt in the wound. If I am tortured so horrendously by these things, I can’t begin to imagine the horror of actually going through it.”

“I circumcised my son against my better judgment.

I was 19 years old and I let his doctor and my fiancé make that decision for me even though I knew it wasn’t right. I sat in the waiting room of the pediatrician’s office crying so hard I was shaking when they took him back for the procedure. I could hear him crying and had to leave the waiting area, but no matter where I went in that office I could still hear him. Then seeing his newborn penis all cut up, bloody and swollen afterwards killed me. I wouldn’t change his diaper after, I made his dad do it because facing the horror I allowed the doctor to do to him was too much for me. His dad left me four days later, and I was alone and had to change his bandaging. What I saw for myself the first time I changed his gauze bandage broke my heart and what hurt most was I sat there in the waiting room while a knife-happy doctor mutilated my newborn son!

That day I knew I had to do whatever I could to inform young teenage mom's like myself that they don't have to make the same mistake I did . . . that shit sticks with you. It's been 15 years and I can still remember everything about that circumcision like it was yesterday . . . never again.”

“Then seeing his newborn penis all cut up, bloody and swollen afterwards killed me.”

Regret Parents Speak Out

THE WEDGE: Relationship Strain From Circumcision Decision

Joe Mencarini — Fri, 26 Jun 2020 23:00:00 +0000

You and your wife get along pretty well.

I mean, you wouldn't have married her in the first place if that weren't the case, right?

But there's one topic here in America that seems to drive a wedge between parenting partners that rocks at least one of you to the core.

That wedge? Circumcision.

You might have never discussed it before the 20-week ultrasound when the technician proudly proclaimed to you, "it's gonna be a boy!"

“I was so angry at my husband. I emotionally detached from him for a while. He knew I blamed him for what I felt was cruel treatment.”

Now, she's against it, but you want it done. You tell yourself that she's going to just have to get over it. Your son is getting circumcised. End of discussion.

It might be because you're circumcised, and you want your son to be like you.

Or maybe you heard horror stories about what it was like for someone you might know who got picked on in the locker room, or had some health problem.

Maybe it's because you're religious, and you're pretty sure it's in the Bible somewhere.

Maybe you're not sure why. You just want it done.

You might say, “it's just what you do.”

But your wife doesn't agree with you. What now?

Chances are she's tried to tell you her point of view.

She probably gave you some articles to read.

She probably wants you to watch Elephant in the Hospital.

Even more disturbing, she might be asking you to watch a video of an actual circumcision.

None of these things are gonna sway you. Your mind is set.

Except it shouldn't be set, because your decision should be a fully informed one.

Here's the thing. She might fight you until the last second. You might win. Your son might be circumcised. You might not think twice of it. But it will haunt her forever.

Think about it. She has a mother's instinct about her child. She has the innate drive to protect her children at all costs. She's a 'mama bear'. And she's made up her mind that circumcising her son is not something she morally or ethically agrees with. As the nurturer, she feels that this is wrong. She's done her homework and learned some things, and she desperately wants you to see things the way she sees them.

And she's being forced to go against every instinct in her heart telling her to protect her baby.

You're making her choose peace with you over protecting him. And that's not fair to her.

When given the option between letting her win this one vs. hurting her by making her go through with it, there's only one loving option.

Think about it: she'll be reminded of what she allowed to happen against her conscience every time she changes his diaper. Every day, multiple times a day, she is immediately confronted with it. I would never wish this on my wife.

She might never tell you how she feels either, especially if you make it seem like it's futile to even try.

Don't believe me?

Here's a story that a mom recently told me under the agreement that I would keep her anonymous:

"I feel like I failed my son when he could not speak for himself. With this I have a lot of guilt related to my first son's circumcision.
The conversation of circumcision started before I was even pregnant. I knew a little on the importance of staying intact and knew I wanted to leave my sons intact but didn't educate myself quite enough.
My husband always stayed on the stance that it's tradition and he wanted our son to look the same as him. He's generally very supportive and we work well in parenting generally but this is where we hit a head. During my pregnancy, especially towards the end, we got into some heated arguments where we ended up not speaking for the rest of the day. We spoke to family and friends, and they also pressured me to agree to a circumcision. Many of their arguments were regarding tradition and how this decision should be left up to the father since he's the one with a penis.
I felt defeated because I knew no one that would support and back up my decision to leave my son intact. Then came the time to get him circumcised. I went into the office feeling sick, my husband by my side.
They took him back and about 10-15 minutes brought him back. He was in so much distress. I couldn't calm him and I sat in tears that I just tortured my son.
Then came the aftercare.
I have never seen a penis so red and swollen. Every diaper change was excruciating for my son and me. Everyone told me to just give it a few days and it will drastically improve.
Two days passed, then three, then five, then onto a week. He was still so swollen and in so much pain.
It has caused long standing traumatic feelings for me. I hated myself... I still hate myself for that.
I was so angry at my husband. I emotionally detached from him for a while. He knew I blamed him for what I felt was cruel treatment.
I think ultimately we got over the fresh cut of the damage done to the relationship. But with that being said, it seems as if the wound is gradually being reopened as we are getting closer to having to make a decision again.
I knew eventually we would decide to have another kid and although I really wanted a boy I would wish for a girl so that I wouldn't have to figure out how to prevent another circumcision while everyone around me criticized my desires. But here I am about 20 weeks pregnant with another boy. I've brought up circumcision with my husband and he just withdraws and doesn't want to address it. Maybe it's because he knows I'm better prepared this time and more willing to fight. Maybe it's because he figures if he waits this will just blow over and I'll agree. I'm not sure. But I'm sure a battle is brewing especially now that we have one son that is cut."

Here are just a few statements from other moms who have spoken up:

"I agreed to it because of course my husband knew best since he had that equipment. Then I read more about it. My relationship with my husband was impacted in subsequent pregnancies. At first he was very insistent that if we had more boys they be circumcised. As depressed as I became after our 3 miscarriages, I actually prayed before our gender reveals with our 2 daughters that if I were pregnant with boys God would take them home before birth rather than let me harm them that way. When my husband learned that, he was willing to take a second look."
"My husband is my best friend and love of my life but I can't seem to fully forgive him yet either. And I absolutely hate that. This is so unlike me to hold onto anything. Ignorance is bliss because I was once one of the happiest moms you may have met."
"Do I regret it? Yes. Do I wish I had stood up to my husband and handled it differently? Yes. Would I have done things differently if I had a more smooth delivery? Most definitely."

Contrast these stories to these professions of relief and joy:

"When it came down to the final weeks of pregnancy, things were still high tension surrounding this subject. Hubby and I were still on extreme opposite sides of this argument. It came down to this: it wasn’t a medically necessary procedure and therefore the baby would stay intact. I cannot tell you the healing that has come to me through breaking the cycle of pain by leaving our second intact. There are no words."
"I agree that this scenario happens too often. I can think of 3 good friends who submitted with a lot of mental/emotional anguish, very reluctantly consenting to have their infants circumcised. I'm so thankful that my husband took the time to listen to my reservations about circumcision and ultimately agreed to leave our son whole."

Another thing to consider:

“I cannot tell you the healing that has come to me through breaking the cycle of pain by leaving our second intact.”

This topic is being discussed more and more in today's culture. When your son asks your wife about circumcision in the future, and why you had it done to him, it's very possible she'll say something like, “well, I didn't want to do it, but your father insisted on it.” You might have some explaining to do. Your son might be pretty upset. It might even damage your relationship with him. Is that something you want to risk?

The Moral of the Story: This is not a fight worth winning.

You might win the argument, but you'll lose part of her in the long run.

Let her have this one. I guarantee you won't regret it.

Talking to your partner For Regret Parents

Permalink

ONE MOM'S LETTER To The Doctor Who Cut Her Son

Your Whole Baby Team — Wed, 24 Jun 2020 21:00:00 +0000

To Whom It May Concern:

I am writing to you on behalf of my 3-year-old son. He is an amazing child. He is full of energy and life. He has always been a blessing to my husband and me. Since the day we found out he was coming, we were ecstatic to be welcoming another addition to our family. He was born PERFECT on August 19th, 2012.

You may be confused now. See, the reason I am writing to you is because on August 20th, 2012, my perfect baby boy was taken from my hospital room, strapped down, and mutilated surgically for NO REASON at all other than the pure ignorance of our society. I was misinformed on the “benefits” of circumcision and was not fully informed of the risks of this unnecessary procedure.

My son was returned to me and the nurse said, “Oh he did great, didn’t even cry . . . ” Now that I know better, I know how stupid that sounds. He didn’t even cry?! Probably because his little body was in too much pain and going into shock from the lack of proper anesthesia. I was not informed that the tissue that was being cut off was healthy tissue. I was not informed that the procedure that was done has killed babies. I was not informed that the proper amount of anesthesia could not be used due to how little he was. However, I was informed that he “loved the sugar water.” Sugar water?! That’s the medicinal pain blocker that was given to my neonate to handle the pain of a scalpel slicing off the fused foreskin.

My son did not show any signs of immediate complications . . . But here we are, three years later, dealing with penile adhesions, painful erections, and a child who is terrified of his penis because it is painful. All of these issues could have been avoided by not circumcising him. The risks of not circumcising him with the adequate knowledge of proper intact care? None!

Now, having thoroughly done my research and having found an online community of other parents who regret their decision, I have learned that these complications aren't rare, they are just rarely talked about.

I am requesting that you research the benefits of the foreskin, the benefits that my son and all the other boys who you cut for no necessary reason, will not be able to reap because of the procedure you performed on him/them.

I am also requesting that you educate parents more thoroughly on the subject at hand and let them make an informed decision.

I look forward to hearing your thoughts.

Sincerely,

A Circumcision Regret Mom

Regret Parents Speak Out

THIS IS GENITAL MUTILATION

Your Whole Baby Team — Tue, 23 Jun 2020 00:56:15 +0000

This letter was sent by a circumcision survivor to the doctor who cut him as an infant. The author also submitted his work to Your Whole Baby to help others understand the many harms of child genital mutilation.

Dr. Smith,

A few years ago, your college wrote a glowing article about you. In the article, you said that you have continued in pediatrics because you like making an impact on children when they are young. Dr. Smith, you most certainly had an impact on me from the earliest moments of my life. You circumcised me. In doing so, you set my course to a lifetime fraught with pain, frustration, embarrassment, depression and anger. I recently learned that you were the doctor who assaulted me, and that you still practiced pediatrics, which is why I felt compelled to write you.

I want you to understand exactly what you did to me. You're a doctor, and you've literally amputated parts from my genitals, so I am going to assume that you don't need to be spared any details.

You took too much. You didn't leave me with enough skin to cover my penile shaft. The result was that my earliest memories of experiencing erections as a child are memories of severe, prolonged pain. By the time I reached adolescence, the lack of skin caused my penis to develop a sharp bend, which I would later find would make intercourse very difficult. At some point my scrotal and pubic skin compensated for the lack of penile shaft skin. The result is that I now grow thick pubic hair all the way up to the scar you left me. To make intercourse more comfortable for my wife, I have to shave my penis, and deal with potential nicks and cuts on my genitals, every day. The other consequence of the scrotal skin compensation, is that when erect, my scrotum isn't large enough to hold my testicles. This means that sometimes an erection will painfully force one of my testicles up into my groin. This has definitely been an embarrassing, and painful, show stopper more than a few times during intercourse.

I'm not writing you with the hope of convincing you to perform less radical circumcisions. The rest of my problems stem from not having my foreskin.

I'm now 34 years old. Thirty-four years of my glans, which was supposed to be covered, remaining exposed has caused thorough keratinization of the skin. The result is that my penis is noticeably desensitized. It has become more common in the last few years for me to just not be able to achieve climax. I've had to fake orgasms just so my wife wouldn't feel like she was doing something wrong. If I want to climax, I have to resort to hard thrusts, which is painful for my wife, and sometimes results in my penis bleeding around the scar line. I try to avoid this outcome, as I am sure you can imagine why. The open wounds that develop on my genitals hinder physical activity for days.

The bottom line is that intercourse is not enjoyable for me. Who would have guessed that a medical procedure designed to debilitate sexual pleasure, successfully debilitated my sexual pleasure? I love my wife, but to me intercourse is a painful chore. A chore that I must perform carefully, so as not to smash a testicle, or tear open my penis.

For much of my life, I thought I had been born with a genital deformity. I never associated circumcision with all of the problems I had endured until I met other men who were brave enough to share their own experiences. You might think that finally understanding what was wrong with me would provide some degree of relief, but it had the opposite effect. When I realized that I had been born perfect, without any of these issues, and you took that away from me, I fell into a deep depression, piqued by moments of panicked anxiety, or fury, all of which I still battle to this day. My emotional issues have squelched opportunities, destroyed personal relationships, and nearly ended my marriage a few times. I have been fortunate enough in all of this to have married one of the most patient, loving, and understanding women on the planet.

What I've described above are just the side effects of what you did to me. I have not yet addressed the anatomy that I should have. Like all male circumcisions, you removed my ridged band. In case they didn't cover this in medical school, the ridged band is the highly sensitive, ridged inner lining of the prepuce. This inner lining is full of complex, fine touch nerve endings called Meissner's corpuscles. This makes the inner lining of the prepuce, or foreskin, an erogenous zone on the male body. Not only is the foreskin an erogenous zone, but my frenulum, which connected my foreskin to the glans of my penis, also would have been highly sensitive to touch. That is, if you had not cut it off of me. Since one of the many purposes of the foreskin is to cover, protect, and moisturize the glans of the penis, similar to the fashion in which our eyelids cover, protect, and moisturize our eyes, had my foreskin remained, my glans would have been covered, and maintained sensitivity. I would also have sufficient skin to have an erection and intercourse would have been a pleasurable experience for all parties involved.

I realize that medical opinions have changed dramatically since 1982. I had hoped that your practices evolved with the opinions of every major medical organization in the world, and that you were no longer offering circumcisions. I took a cursory glance at your pediatrics website and was disappointed to learn that you are still pedaling debunked science and skewed data in an attempt to portray genital cutting as beneficial. I'm not sure if your motivation in continuing to sell circumcision is founded in greed or ignorance. If it is the latter, I can be of some assistance.

You mention that circumcision could reduce the likelihood of contracting HIV. Research suggests that this effect is only attainable if you are having penis-in-vagina intercourse in sub-Saharan Africa. Many studies conducted in other parts of the world, like Europe and North America, have found that circumcision has no appreciable effect on HIV infection rates. Regardless, all the research shares the same conclusion: condom use, rather than genital cutting, is the most effective protection against HIV transmission during sex.

You also state that circumcision can reduce penile cancer, which even your own brochure has to admit is extremely rare. If your aim is to prevent a possible life-threatening condition, why not proactively remove every baby's appendix to avoid appendicitis? What about the more than 40,000 American women who will die this year from breast cancer? Imagine all the lives you could save from prophylactic mastectomies! Why is it that of all the parts of the body that can cause an early demise, you focus your efforts on the very important, and by comparison, safe male prepuce?

If you're still reading at this point, you might think I'm out of my mind. Assuming foolishness on my part is a likely and expected defensive reflex. Maybe I read one too many natural parenting blogs and let it get to my head. I assure you, that is not the case. I am college educated, I have a successful career, I am active in local politics, I compete in martial arts, I run marathons and race bicycles. I am even up to date on all of my vaccinations, and despite your best efforts, last year my wife gave birth to a healthy, perfect baby.

To cope with what you did to me, I now work with human rights organizations that focus on bodily autonomy. I educate expecting parents on what you will not. I teach them what the rest of the civilized world has known for generations, but American doctors like yourself cannot or do not want to grasp: We all need and deserve our whole bodies. Prophylactic amputation without ailment is unethical and a violation of our rights.

For both of our sakes it is my sincerest hope that we never encounter one another face to face. I honestly cannot say whether the depression, anxiety, or anger would dominate such a meeting. While I am angry, I understand that you were very likely mutilated as well. Like in most instances of abuse, you perpetuated what was done to you, on me. I understand that there is a lot more wrapped up in this than just your medical ego, which if my experience with other doctors is any indicator, is massive. Making any man acknowledge that he was born perfect, subjected to a needless amputation, and then left with diminished genitals is no simple task. Either way, I hope that the letter reached an open mind and not a defensive one. I hope that you take time to check up on the information I presented in this letter. I hope that you not only cease genital cutting services immediately, but also help champion this cause.

Next time an expectant parent asks you about circumcision, I want you to remember me. I want you to think of me and all the other men just like me that you've left in your wake. I want that thought to weigh heavily on your conscience. I want you to help those parents make a better decision, before you endorse another genital mutilation and create another me.

Sincerely,

A Victim of Male Genital Mutilation

Men Speak Out

Time Ran Out: Mom Regrets Ignoring Anti-Circumcision Message With First Son

Tessa Tewksbury — Sun, 14 Jun 2020 16:08:43 +0000

Tessa poses with her husband and two sons in the woods on a fall day.

I fell pregnant with my first child in late 2008. I was 19 years old. My mother was not shy or private on the matter of circumcision growing up. I often heard her use crude terms about intact penises and other derogatory descriptions we are used to hearing in our society: “turtle neck,” “pencil dick,” “gross,” “dirty,” “ugly,” and “smelly.” I was told that surely any boy who was intact was doomed to a lifetime of humiliation and embarrassment, as well as infections that would eventually lead to circumcision. I was led to believe it was “cruel” to leave a child intact. She also described to me how my grandfather “had to be” circumcised at an old age. I was told I had to circumcise my baby if it was a boy, to spare him from going through the pain as an adult, when he would remember it. I lived in an area with a high prevalence of circumcision, more than 80 percent. Text books in school all depicted circumcised penises. I knew literally nothing about the intact penis or the foreskin, and wrongfully believed that it was just a little bit of skin that was snipped off the tip.

Sometime in the middle of my pregnancy I was exposed to anti-circumcision information on the internet. The brainwashing I had received all growing up, the normalization of the circumcised penis, and my already having planned to circumcise my unborn child if it was a boy instantly left me feeling defensive and appalled at what I was reading.

I defended circumcision angrily, felt attacked, and left the thread refusing to read any information. Back then, I’d say I was being treated rudely.

“The truth is, come time my oldest son was due, everything in my body was screaming at me not to do it.”

Now, when I can look back at that actual conversation four years later, with a great more amount of perspective, humility, and knowledge surrounding the intactivist movement, I realize that I was angry at what I was reading, not at how I was being treated. I was given accurate information and was only met with angry tones when I lashed out first. I shamelessly mocked concerns over the pain the baby would feel as a newborn undergoing circumcision, using the common phrase “he won’t remember it,” as if not remembering it meant it did not happen or that the baby did not experience excruciating pain with no way to cognitively understand what was being done to it, or if it would even survive the attack. I didn’t want my baby to have to be circumcised at an old age like my grandfather, but refused to recognize that the chance he would actually need to be circumcised as an adult was minimal and that by doing it to him as an infant, I took it from a minimal chance that he might experience the pain of circumcision, to a sure thing.

The truth is, come time my oldest son was due, everything in my body was screaming at me not to do it. I didn’t want my son to have to be in pain. As hard as I tried to justify the procedure, as much as I ignored the arguments, it was eating away at me. My husband, like many circumcised men in the U.S., wanted it done for no real reason probably other than just that he didn’t want to admit he was missing anything or that it was done to him unnecessarily. He brought up concerns with cleanliness, and we considered the myth that being intact would make an intact son more likely to have a UTI. We were having a stressful time in our relationship and I sincerely thought that if I made waves, it could rock or end our relationship. My mother told me I had to and if insurance didn’t cover it, she’d pay for it. Everyone I talked to in real life told me I HAD to do it and mocked me for second-guessing it. Recently, my sister told me she would have supported me in leaving my son intact and didn’t think I should have done it at the time, but she never spoke up.

“After his circumcision, we couldn’t wake him to eat for hours upon hours.”

Time ran out. My baby was born in September of 2009 by cesarean. I hardly left my bed and my husband changed his diapers. I literally never once saw my son’s natural penis. Come that awful day, I asked a nurse if it would hurt him. I desperately wanted just ONE person outside of the internet to tell me it didn’t need to be done. She lied to me and told me it would not hurt him and it was cleaner. He would sleep through it and they used anesthesia, she told me. I had not done enough research to know anything about the actual procedure or that she was lying about the anesthesia and pain he would feel. So I let them take him, even though every muscle in my body was telling me to run after her and take my son back. After a long labor in which I already felt like I had my rights stripped from me and told my concerns did not matter, I honestly did not feel like I had the power to say no, so I let her take him. That was the last time I saw my whole son.

After his circumcision, we couldn’t wake him to eat for hours upon hours. It rocked our breastfeeding relationship and we were warned if he didn’t start nursing, we’d have to supplement with formula. When I brought him home and changed his diaper for the first time, I was horrified. My son was screaming: he was in pain. My husband looked worried and said he never screamed like that before his circumcision. He was bloody and raw, and we had to use Vaseline to keep it from sticking to his diaper, though sometimes it still happened, and he’d scream bloody murder as we peeled his sore and painful glans away from the diaper. I think we both knew then what a mistake we had made, but we never discussed it. At the time I do not think either of us was willing or ready to accept that we had made the wrong decision, at least not to own that mistake out loud.

Weeks later after my son had already healed, someone in my online due date club had their son circumcised and he almost bled to death. Then . . . finally . . . way too late to spare my oldest son . . . I was open to researching. Truth be told, I still wasn’t entirely open minded about it. I still tried to defend my choice, and it was months of reading before my irrational, myth-driven opinions gave way to facts and evidence. The truth was indisputable, and I finally acknowledged that I had made a very big mistake.

“9-11% of circumcised boys will go on to develop meatal stenosis, which can require a second surgery to correct the iatrogenic condition”

Since then, I’ve gained a wealth of information. I learned that the “anesthesia” that was used on my son was likely a dorsal penile nerve block, though the name is misleading, and it hardly blocked the pain. I also learned that his circumcision took far too little time for the lidocaine injection to have had actually had any real pain-relieving effect, because during circumcision, they hardly ever wait the needed 15-30 minutes for the anesthesia to take effect before they start cutting. This was probably the fact that horrified me the most. My baby experienced excruciating pain, and I was still questioning, was it really necessary? The answer was no. I learned that the reasons I once supported circumcision and chose it for my son were hardly medically justifiable.

I thought it’d protect my son from UTIs to learn that only one percent of boys in the first place get urinary tract infections, that there is only a slight increase of risk to intact boys, and those studies are questionable at best. I also finally had a “coming to light” moment when I realized, why in the world would a UTI warrant such an extremely invasive preventive measure, when I personally have had three UTIs in my lifetime that were all easily treated with oral antibiotics? I learned that we circumcise to prevent just one percent increased risk of developing a UTI, but that 9-11 percent of circumcised boys will go on to develop meatal stenosis, which can require a second surgery to correct the iatrogenic condition. Circumcision causes more problems than it prevents. The statistics were simply just NOT making sense. Although I do live in an area with still a very high circumcision rate, I learned more mothers are leaving boys intact, and nearly half of baby boys being born these days are not being circumcised. Circumcision is no longer the “norm” or the majority, and the “locker room” argument is no longer valid. I was literally protecting my son from nothing by circumcising him, but instead exposing him to unnecessary pain, harm, complications and infection.

In 2011 we learned we were expecting our second child. The topic of circumcision weighed heavily on my mind. I knew I would never circumcise again, but had a way to go in convincing my husband to be completely on board. He seemed reluctant to do any research of his own, and sometimes even seemed angry at the things I was saying, especially if it was concerning the negative effects circumcision has on sex. One day, I finally became frustrated, looked him straight in the eye and said “I will protect my baby from whoever I need to, a doctor, or even you.” A bold approach, but one that finally let him know just how serious I was. Once I stopped being wishy-washy and he understood how strongly I felt, his response was “Okay, we don’t need to do it.” I think in some sense, he was relieved as well, remembering the pain our oldest endured in the healing process. There began HIS journey into intactivism. He finally started to do some reading on his own. By the time I was 30 weeks along and touring our hospital, he actually stopped a couple who stated they were pregnant with a boy to tell them all about the harms of circumcision.

“Circumcision causes more problems than it prevents.”

I also frequently discussed circumcision with my mother, who still was very much in favor of it. I partly resented her for pressuring me into circumcising my oldest and fervently wanted her to understand why she was wrong. She tried to argue that the boys both should match their father and that my youngest would feel different. I asked her how often she sat around as a teenager comparing her genitalia with her mother’s. I pointed out how my breast size did not match hers, and that I had never seen her vagina to know if mine “matched” hers either. I certainly never remember my brothers comparing their penis with our father. Friends and others had remarks to say about how my son would be dirty, but quickly dropped the subject. My sister was hugely supportive and actually vocal about that support this time around, and I had even made some new friendships with other mothers that felt similarly and had chosen to leave their sons intact as well.

The biggest concern with them not matching was not that my youngest may feel “different” but that one day I would have to broach the talk with my oldest, confess to him about the mistake we made and the truth about circumcision, and ask for forgiveness. Still, if my youngest noticed, I just knew that I’d always be honest in an age appropriate way. Once I knew the truth surrounding circumcision, repeating the mistake was simply not an option, not even to spare my oldest from realizing he lost an important, functional part of his penis. Even if we had not been exposed to the information that led us to leave our second son intact, circumcision rates are at an all-time low in the U.S. He would certainly be exposed to intact males, whether it was his brother or a friend. In addition, there is a wealth of easily accessible information about circumcision on the internet that our son would most certainly see some day. Choosing to circumcise a second son to be “fair” to our first child was just not rational, and certainly not fair, or moral, with the knowledge we now possessed. We made that mistake, we cannot change that, but we can choose not to repeat it. While certainly my oldest will have his own emotional struggles with our not protecting him the way we did his little brother, I hope in time he is able to understand and come to respect the courage it takes to say “I’m wrong.”

“Mistakes do not define us, but we do have a choice to repeat them, or to learn from them. ”

Our second baby was born in April of 2012. We brought our WHOLE, PERFECT baby home. He was so easy to clean and care for. My sister pointed out he did not scream bloody murder during his diaper changes like my oldest had. I could not imagine ever wanting to change anything about his body. When he was born, I said he was perfect, and I meant it! He didn’t need cosmetic surgery, and being left intact did not cloud any family member’s love for him. It quickly became a non-issue. They didn’t love my second son any differently, and those with no responsibility for diaper changes sometimes even forgot that he was intact!

Leaving my second son intact was actually quite healing. I felt such tremendous guilt from not sparing my oldest from the incredible pain he felt during his circumcision. I wish I could pretend I was never a proponent of circumcision and that I never forced my son to endure such torture, and worse, that I was presented with information that tried to persuade me it was all unnecessary, but quite simply refused to consider that what I had been taught to believe was wrong. I wish it hadn’t taken me so long to come around to the truth. Not only did I make the wrong choice, but it was also a choice that was excruciatingly painful, one that I can never take back, and one that will effect him for the rest of his life.

The author’s older son cuddles her younger son.

That is a devastating reality as a mother. No mother wants to hurt their child, and the realization that they did, is a hard pill to swallow. After not feeling like I had the power to say “No” in the hospital with my first, it was entirely empowering to take back that control and protect my second son. I was asked three times while in the hospital if we wanted him circumcised, and I proudly said “No!” every time. It still never changes what happened to my first, and I will always hold some amount of guilt, but I’m also learning to forgive myself. I made a mistake, but I was also courageous enough to say “I was wrong” and do better in the future. If nothing else, that is a powerful lesson my children can learn from when they are old enough and the circumcision talk can be broached on a more serious level. In addition to leaving my second son intact, I feel morally obligated to spread awareness. I am incredibly grateful to intactivists that helped me to gain access to information that ultimately made me change my mind, and it is a way to pay it forward. I talk to expectant parents, I card, I educate. I try to help as many baby boys as I can to spare them from what I did not spare my oldest from, and try to help spare other mothers from the guilt I experienced upon accepting the truth too late. I feel terrible that in advocating for the genital integrity of baby boys, I might stir up feelings of guilt and pain in parents over a decision that they may have made with the information they had at the time. Mistakes do not define us, but we do have a choice to repeat them, or to learn from them. I don’t try to make people feel bad about the decisions that they made in the past. I am focused on helping people make better decisions in the future.

Resources for Regret Parents

Mom And Dad, It's Time To Understand What Circumcision Did To Me

Your Whole Baby Team — Wed, 27 May 2020 18:46:54 +0000

A son discusses ongoing struggles with one of his parents’ earliest decisions

Hi Mom and Dad! It’s your 21-year-old son! The son you cried over when you first saw him exposed to the light of the world. The son you lovingly cared for as he grew out of infancy, watching him gain independence, make mature decisions, and turn into the handsome man you see when you close your eyes and picture him smiling. And finally, now, the son you are ready to let go of in a broader sense . . . Here I am, poised to make my big transition into the adult world, where from now on I am fully the product of my own decisions.

As parents you have always wanted to protect me the very best you could: yearly physicals, six-month dental checkups, eye exams, vaccinations, beware of strangers, etc . . . It seems as if our culture has the general instruction manual laid out for you. One culturally taboo part of this American parenting manual, though, is flawed and outdated.

When I was born, it seemed as if you had a decision to make: whether to circumcise me or not. The United States medical industry pushes this decision upon new, scared, obedient parents, even when the majority of the Western world recommends against this procedure, and in reality, it isn’t a decision to be made at all. U.S. doctors cite better hygiene and decreased risk of disease for circumcised men and their partners, two claims that have been discussed and discounted at length. Also, by the time these concerns come to fruition, males are old enough learn about and practice safe sex, leaving no need for circumcision. All it takes is a little parental education on safe sex to nullify the supposed “medical benefits” of a life-altering circumcision. But there are plenty of accessible publications out there on these specific arguments already for you to judge yourself. I am here to share the story from my side, from the side of your son.

Many Americans are under-informed when it comes to the foreskin I was never given a chance to experience. “It’s just a bit of extra skin” is frequently the consensus. The reality is FAR from this simple statement. This “little” piece of skin on a baby can grow upwards of 15 square inches in adulthood and serves many important purposes:

1. protects the sensitive glans (head of the penis);

2. allows for natural gliding motion during intercourse;

3. is packed with many important nerve endings that provide stimulation and coordination during intercourse.

When the foreskin is excised, all of these functions are lost. The glans is exposed, keratinizes, and loses much of its unique sensitivity; a circular scar is prominently displayed. Two very sensual parts of the penis are also removed: the ridged band (or frenar band) at the tip of the foreskin, and the foreskin’s tether — the frenulum. These structures meet at an area known as “the male G-spot” of the penis due to its nerve density and capacity to sense light touch. For circumcised men, all of this is gone forever, and sensitivity may continue to decrease with age due to exposure of parts meant to be protected. Again, there is plenty of literature on the losses from circumcision easily accessible to anyone, so I will move on.

“I stopped sleeping. I stopped eating. I could not get the thoughts of circumcision and its changes to my penis out of my head. Not for a second.”

Reflecting back, I can recall every single conversation that involved circumcision in my childhood . . . all the way back to when I first heard of the procedure at age 8 when my brother asked my mom a relevant question involving the topic, and thus a conversation ensued. From then until my junior year of college, I shelved these conversations on circumcision, burying them deep away because I hated what had been done to me too much to handle at the time.

Then, during junior year, circumstances changed, and it was time for me to face the reality that a choice about a very special part of my body had been made for me that I would never have made myself. NEVER. With the Internet at my fingertips, I researched. I researched what I am missing. I researched how I have been affected by circumcision. I became depressed. I became ANGRY. I experienced such a steep mental decline that I ended up seeing several mental health professionals, many of whom, including chief psychiatrists, only tried to preach to me the “medical benefits” of circumcision, or went so far as to blame my mental state on parental divorce.

I worsened. Mom and Dad were unable to help because my anger at them for making such a detrimental decision about my own body overpowered my logical side telling me that, though under-informed and influenced by the biased American medical system, they were only trying to protect me. I stopped sleeping. I stopped eating. I could not get the thoughts of circumcision and its changes to my penis out of my head. Not for a second. What pained me the most was how such changes can affect interactions with a partner. Intercourse is such a special act with the one you love, and without a foreskin the process can be hindered. It is not as smooth, tender, comfortable, natural for both partners. This is what keeps me up the most. This is what makes me nauseous. This is what makes me cry. This is what pushed me to suicidal thoughts and onto anti-depressants while I work through the pain of my situation. I can’t explain the feelings I feel of missing out on such a symbolic part of being a man. Of course, sexuality is highly emotional as well as physical, but to have had my sexuality unnecessarily handicapped and reduced physically pains me greatly. There is so much power in genitalia, and to have yours altered without consent hurts.

“Culture is a strong force to fight, and old traditions die hard.”

When I asked Mom and Dad if they were warned about any mental health side effects of circumcision they both answered “no.” It hurt to hear that a human being’s thoughts on such a body alteration were never a consideration, either by doctors or by parents. Though I harbor astronomical anger at your decision to circumcise me and your lack of outside thought at the time it was made, I am working on pacifying it. I forgive you, Mom and Dad. I can’t imagine what pressures having a child puts you under, especially in those key moments. I am sorry for the hurt I have caused you as I move through this process. I love you, Mom and Dad.

To all parents out there expecting a beautiful baby boy, I implore you to strongly consider his mental health alongside the questionable medical benefits circumcision provides. Culture is a strong force to fight, and old traditions die hard. But it is time for routine infant circumcision to END. There is no need for circumcision if you teach your son the values of safe sex and good hygiene. He will be beautiful, happy, and healthy being intact.

To the many other men out there who have undergone a nonconsensual circumcision and are upset by it, an answer may be just around the corner! I encourage you to support companies such as Foregen that are working on engineering adult foreskins. This skin will be grown using your DNA, and once ready can be fully reattached — nerves and all — hopefully in the near future!

And to the rest of America, I ask you to open your eyes beyond this antiquated cultural practice and see what the international standard is for circumcision outside of religious circles. Think about the rights any person has to their own body. Think of your own. Think about the decisions that should be left up to your children as they grow up to become the amazing adults they will surely be.

Thanks for reading!

I am not alone.

There is no choice.

Support those affected.

It’s Time to Understand.

Greyson is from the Boston area and graduated from college with a degree in biology.

Men speak out about circumcision

Meatal Stenosis is a Circumcision Complication. Were You Told?

Sonia Fetherling, Your Whole Baby State Director — Fri, 01 May 2020 17:18:02 +0000

Written the night before Sonia’s son underwent corrective surgery for meatal stenosis, a common circumcision complication.

“Meatal Stenosis.”

What’s that? Does your child have it? Do you know what it is?

I didn't know what it was six years ago. I'd never heard of it until I started learning about the harms of infant circumcision — far too late, I might add, to protect my son.

Meatal stenosis is a urethral stricture disease caused by circumcision. Because its protective foreskin has been removed, the urinary meatus (pee hole) at the tip of the glans (head) of a circumcised penis can develop inflammation and scar tissue and become abnormally narrow. According to MedlinePlus.gov, issues that can result from this narrowing include:

Abnormal strength and direction of urine stream
Bed wetting
Bleeding (hematuria) at end of urination
Discomfort with urination or straining with urination
Incontinence (day or night)
Visible narrow urethral opening [1]

So, part of the reason a lot of guys make a mess in the bathroom . . . meatal stenosis! It can also lead to increased risk of UTIs. [2]

Recent research has found that circumcised penises are 16-26 times more likely than intact penises to develop meatal stenosis, and circumcision may be responsible for near 80 percent of all penile urethral stricture disease cases like meatal stenosis in children under 10 years of age in the United States. [3,4] Researchers have suggested that all children with circumcised penises be monitored for meatal stenosis. [5]

I learned about meatal stenosis because I volunteer with Your Whole Baby, and we hear from far too many families dealing with all sorts of circumcision complications. Oddly, my son didn't present with typical symptoms, so I wasn't sure that’s what he was dealing with at first. It was only my instinct and knowledge that prevented him from experiencing further harm. The pediatric urologist told us that we were lucky I noticed because my son’s meatal stenosis is severe and could have led to bladder and kidney damage if left untreated. This particular urologist shared that he has been in practice for nearly 20 years and typically performs 10 or more corrective surgeries for meatal stenosis per week. He has never had to perform this corrective surgery on an intact child.

Would you have been able to detect meatal stenosis in your child? Do you know what the symptoms are? It concerns me greatly just how many kids are NOT being diagnosed because circumcision complications are rarely explained or recognized, and are frequently swept under the rug.

Tomorrow my son has to have surgery. A surgery he should never have needed, CAUSED because of the vicious amputation he should NEVER have had to suffer within a day or two of his life. Circumcision.

I will ALWAYS speak out to protect those that can be spared the agony he continues to endure because a father wanted the same for his son. His father was a victim, too. The same old story. . . .

I will ALWAYS speak out to help STOP this scourge in the United States.

I will ALWAYS speak out to protect babies that can't speak or scream, “NO!”

I am tired of seeing babies suffer, endure years of agony, and even die. I'm so tired of it. Tired of seeing MY baby suffer. It makes me nauseous. For the last six years, I have regretted not fighting harder for him at birth, and to make it up to him, I will fight until my last breath.

Informed consent? They didn't mention a single one of the many complications to us, including meatal stenosis, when we signed the consent form for our son’s circumcision. That is NOT informed consent. That's deceit.

Were you told?

Reference List

[1] A.D.A.M. Medical Encyclopedia. (2020, April 9.) Meatal Stenosis. Retrieved from https://medlineplus.gov/ency/article/001599.htm

[2] Meatal stenosis. (2018, July). Cincinnati Children’s Hospital Medical Center. Retrieved from https://www.cincinnatichildrens.org/health/m/meatal-stenosis

[3] Frisch, M., & Simonsen, J. (2016, November). Cultural background, non-therapeutic circumcision and the risk of meatal stenosis and other urethral stricture disease: Two nationwide register-based cohort studies in Denmark 1977–2013. The Surgeon, Journal of the Royal Colleges of Surgeons of Edinburgh and Ireland. DOI: http://dx.doi.org/10.1016/j.surge.2016.11.002[4] Joudia, M., Fathib, M., & Hiradfara, M. (2011, October). Incidence of asymptomatic meatal stenosis in children following neonatal circumcision. Journal of Pediatric Urology, 7(5): 526-528. DOI: https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jpurol.2010.08.005[5] Hoffman, T. (2016, December 30). Male circumcision greatly increases risk of urinary tract problems. ScienceNordic. Retrieved from http://sciencenordic.com/male-circumcision-greatly-increases-risk-urinary-tract-problems

Another family's story of childhood meatal stenosis

Circumcision Delayed? When Circumstances Change The Plan For Your Baby...

Your Whole Baby Team — Fri, 27 Mar 2020 23:40:47 +0000

Elective surgeries in the United States are being postponed and canceled in the midst of the global coronavirus pandemic, in order to preserve personal protective equipment like masks, avoid patient infection, and ensure adequate medical personnel for responding to COVID-19 patients. Some new parents have been surprised to find that their providers currently aren’t performing circumcisions.

Critical blood shortages in many parts of the nation are also a consideration — circumcision comes with the risk of hemorrhage that can require transfusions. Even in normal times, circumcision surgeries can wind up delayed when babies are born with health concerns (for instance, hypospadias or congenital heart disease). If you've recently had a baby and you planned on having your infant circumcised but cannot, Your Whole Baby has all the necessary information on how to best care for a penis with foreskin. Hygiene for intact (not circumcised) young ones is easy — you've got this!

Basic Intact Penis Care Should I Worry?

You might be wondering, “Can I get my baby circumcised later?” Some doctors will circumcise after the first few weeks of life. However, as the restraints used for newborns are not sufficient to immobilize older babies, circumcision after the newborn period can require the use of general anesthesia, which comes with its own set of risks and expenses. All the risks of newborn circumcision still apply, including excessive blood loss, pain, removal of too much tissue to accommodate erections, abnormal narrowing of the urethral opening, adhesions, and skin bridges.

The Circumstraint, a device used in hospitals and doctors’ offices to immobilize infants during circumcision. Photo by James Loewen / CC BY-SA (https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0)

Your child stands to benefit greatly from avoiding circumcision, both now and in the future. Read about the many functions of foreskin here, and follow our six steps for parent learning.

Your Whole Baby: A Community for Learning Facebook group offers a supportive atmosphere where you can ask questions about circumcision and keeping your baby intact. Have a look around our website — we’re glad you found us!

Videos of Circumcision Procedure (Warning: Graphic Content)