I'm not prepared

Hellzone

imnotprepared — Sun, 26 Apr 2020 16:26:19 +0000

back in the hellzone today. I told jack last night at like midnight that I missed him, so pride is completely gone. I don’t feel like myself, time is crawling by, and I don’t want to be alive in this quarantine anymore. I HATE IT HERE THIS SUCKS I WANT TO CUDDLE AND THATS IT. I cant get any work done today because im just trying to survive. the amount of tinder boys im entertaining now is astronomical, but it just makes me more upset. This isn’t helping today

continued

imnotprepared — Mon, 20 Apr 2020 23:39:03 +0000

I have so much that I need to get off my chest and it feels so good to vent without any repercussions. Like screaming into the void. Blogging for me I think has always signaled a kind of turning point, like a mentality climax. My worst of the worst is going to start an uphill climb to being healthier. Hopefully that’s the case. I also read the other day about what someone calls the hellzone, where theyre feeling acclimated to quarantine for maybe 3 days, and then they fall back into the hellzone, where everything feels wrong and bad, like a dark curtain has descended. I was certifiably in the hellzone yesterday, but today the sun is shining and I can do good and feel good again. Maybe this will mean no more hellzone for me, OR quarantine is ending hopefully this week, and I can continue on happily from me. My plan for the summer is to completely recreate the environment of last summer. It felt like it went by so quickly and I remember being truly happy at that time. SO I want to go back to church as soon as that’s allowed again, and hopefully they will ask me to be in the choir again. I miss singing with a group, where the music and voices comepletely fill the space so much and choir and choir practice were my weekly highlights. I also want to get a job, hopefully at the country club, where I can pour most of myself daily. I just have to survive 2 or 3 more weeks until the official school year is over.

Currently I am freaking out about my mchE 1940 project which includes a model that I have to make in Inventor, a software I’ve never worked with and don’t understand at all. Also to be completely honest, I don’t completely understand the object I’m supposed to be modelling which was a launch device that I didn’t work on. My focus was writing our group’s paper. Which still has to be done, but an 8 page version. Also this was the class where I met Jack and I think I still have a mental block when it comes to the class, because I think about how much fun this would have been to do with him and the other mchE boys, but that’s over and I have to do it all by myself. Also I have to fill out so many more pages in my process notebook, but there has been no progress. I just keep opening inventor, getting overwhelmed by the software, and putting it away to fight back a breakdown. Hopefully after talking about it, I’ll be able to tackle it with a clear mind. I need to allow myself to do it, and do it poorly. And then work from there with practice.

The positive affirmations have been keeping me going and I hope to find more I guess. Written on my hand:

I can do hard things

It wont be fun, but it will be fine

The situation is difficult, not me

This, too, shall pass

I just need to pour all of me into something else. I made the mistake of letting it be Jack, I always make the mistake of letting it be boys, but it has to something new now. School maybe? Absolutely destroy finals? maybe so. Okay it’s going to be okay.

Im growing my hair out now because I want something different, but it’s going to take so long to turn into something different? Maybe I should just cut it for the instant change? Im fighting back that urge. I already impulsively pierced my ears. I feel like that’s enough quarantine breakdown for now. I’m getting back into golf with my dad and I’m a lot better than I used to be. Also everything changes and feels so much better when I’m outside.

bye for now

current favorite song: Jesus Christ 2005 God Bless America by The 1975

Mental Health Reset

imnotprepared — Mon, 20 Apr 2020 18:31:54 +0000

I need this, Lydia I’m sorry if you still get notifications and I’m really really sorry for all the ways that I have hurt you in the past. I was an awful friend, and I would love to be able to talk to you again.

Anyway, I’m writing now to vent without being a burden to my friends and also as a checkpoint I can look back on when things are going much better. I need lots of little checkpoints. College was going so well, so so well. I love my friends and my major and I felt the most confident I’ve felt in a while. I am not the smartest person in the room anymore, so I have had a few personality crisis’, but I think those have actually helped me to develop a personality more than anything that I am actually proud of. Unfortunately, just like everyone else, my freshman year got cut short, I am back at home overthinking just like all those dark quiet days in high school, and all I can think about is what could have been and when, if ever, I’ll be able to escape from here.

My main difficulty is the uncertainty surrounding what is going to happen with the boy I was, I guess dating, before the world ended. We were “official” for one week. That week just had to be the week before spring break and the week before our last time at UGA. I waited so long for a boyfriend that I liked and equally liked me back and I could see often, and I don’t know what I did to God to get that stripped away from me. Idk it feels wrong to pray now; I’m just mad and I don’t want to be, but praying has never helped me in the past, and I really don’t know what all these other people did to deserve to die from coronavirus. Although, right now, as dramatic as it seems, I feel like the dying people are the lucky ones. Anyway we’re definitely not dating now, we were talking about school work pretty often, but I think he might be ghosting me now. But also maybe hes just tired of talking about how bad we’re going to fail our calc test, idk Im bad at reading people, and overthinking. But also I’m bad at forgiving people that don’t necessarily deserve it so I don’t know what my next move is. Either way, I’m in a predicament because we are the same year and major in college, and both want the good teachers for our classes, and his registration was before mine, so it’s totally on me to either schedule or not schedule classes with him. I know that in the fall I am going to have to work extra hard to make up for this sucky ass online semester that I am having currently, and I really don’t want distractions, but he said earlier he wants to try dating again in the fall, so I being in classes with him may actually help me, or at the very least keep me in his mind so he won’t forget about me?? Fall is just really far away and I don’t know how either of us will feel about anything when that time comes. But I have to schedule tomorrow. There are just a lot of things that I don’t know, a lot of uncertainty about the coming months in all aspects of my life. What if in the fall he wants to try again and I don’t? I have to get unattached. I can’t risk the vice-versa of that or I’ll be hurt all over again. I think that’s the plan, schedule the same classes as him, set my self up for as much success as possible and then just ghost him, and start over come fall, “fresh, in a different chapter, with different possibilities”. I can daydream about being cool, calm, collected and unexpressive of any feelings. I’ve got months to work that out. Might fuck around and block him. who knows.

At the very least though, Ill have classes with Annie, Hannah, and Hunter and those will be so fun. Everything will be better if he get to go back to school in the fall. In the meantime I am trying my hardest not to treat this like a transitional period of my life like I used to with everything. Every day matters and I will use it to move closer to my goal. I want to radiate only love, only light, only healing, but not necessarily in a push-over sense. I just need to remember I am not alone. So many people are either experiencing exactly what I’m experiencing or something worse. We can have a little breakdown sometimes as a treat Also shifting my current focus back into school work, which has always been a form of solace for me, is going to help. Once I start feeling a sense of accomplishment again from doing really well in school, I’ll feel a little more like myself, like Karim and Vyom said. Okay deep breaths. Dandelion Wine heartbeat meditation. Everything is going to be aright.

Current favorite song: By and By by Caamp

Aerospace

imnotprepared — Tue, 29 Jan 2019 04:26:43 +0000

Cool, so I’m in the fight of my life over college with my parents right now. I’ve done so so much research on Huntsville now, and know that I absolutely have to go there now. There’s literally no other way. The have an aerospace engineering program, and after those four years, there’s basically a 100% chance that I’ll be hired to work in at least one of the companies that they have there. There is no other school in the whole country with the same ties to NASA that Huntsville has, and in the grand scheme of things, it’s really not that far away. If my parents don’t let me go there, I really don’t think that I’ll ever be able to forgive them. Yes, I know that I’ll be leaving them behind, and even though it’s insensitive, they’re the ones that waited so long to have kids, and taking care of them really shouldn’t have to be my job. I would be giving up such a rare opportunity. If they make me stay, I really think that I’ll have to tell them, “I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life regretting my career choice, and wondering what amazing job I could have, if you hadn’t stopped me”. Yes dad wants me to be a veterinarian, and make a lot of money like Cliff, but honestly he’s the most miserable person that we know. I DONT CARE ABOUT MONEY. I DONT CARE ABOUT TIME OFF. I WANT A FASCINATING JOB THAT INSPIRES ME. I know that this is what I want to do, and I’ve never been sure about anything until now. I’ve never been motivated by anything until now. I was watching a video yesterday about an aerospace engineering explaining what her job entailed, and she said she gets lots of time for family and vacations still, and I honestly got a little upset. I don’t even want time off. You know, work can’t let you down like people can. Imagine how meaningful my life would be if I got to work on actual NASA rockets.

Senior year is the most stressful time of your life because you’re literally put on trial for the things you care about. When you’re little, you can pretend to like golf for your dad, and pretend to care about law for your mom, but then you grow up. You actually have to back up what you like and why you want to spend your life doing, and no matter what you end up disappointing someone. It’s your life, and I know my parents didn’t think about anything but themselves when they moved 1,000 miles away and completely alienated themselves from their families. Yes it would be amazing to have a support group, but I’m too ambitious to settle. Aerospace is the only thing at this point that will make me happy and have a fulfilling life. Hopefully the next time I get back to you, I’ll have a little more clarity.

Jan Levinson 7

imnotprepared — Mon, 07 Jan 2019 05:38:31 +0000

Hey kidlets, it’s 12:30 am, and someone just reminded me about you, blog pal, so I thought I would run in for a quick update, especially since I’m trying to drift my inner monologue back on over to you. I’m not having so so much of a terrible time, truthfully. I’ve found a college that I really hope to go to, The University of Alabama in Huntsville, they have a space science grad program and affiliations with NASA, and if I can bring my SAT score up by 60 points, they’ll pay for my tuition. This is super great because now I have a goal, I’m motivated, and this will be a potential degree that I’m super passionate about. I’m not worried about jobs, they’ll come. I work all day today/ tomorrow, and then Tuesday school starts back, so that will be super good as well. I’m really trying to have a cute time, and not feel like a bag of rocks. Maybe we’ll get there. Dad has a podcast that preaches positive thinking, and visualizing your goals, so hopefully that will bring me success this year. Here’s to 2019 I guess. Current favorite song: Souls by Hippo Campus

This is the hopeful one, future Rose.

imnotprepared — Thu, 13 Dec 2018 05:07:47 +0000

Super duper hope that no one reads this anymore because I need therapy. I guess from the more coherent version of myself, but probs from an actual real life therapist. I really hope that those are free and accessible on college campuses. I would tell my parents that I need one now, but I dont want to go into detail with them about how busted my mind truly is, and they have enough going on already. In my daily life, I talk to myself in my head nearly constantly, pretty much reciting everything that I do during the day. At my most functioning time, I would talk to this blog in my head. This is where I run into problems with people because I talk to them in my head, and really strengthen relationships inside my head that aren’t really there. Super sorry if I’ve confused anybody by them getting caught up in that. So now the blog is back, only for me. Not trying to imagine I have readers, only myself. It’s going to be okay kid. You’re a lot to handle, maybe I’m pushy. In that case, I need someone who will push back, and realize that I really need them to care about me. I’m pretty independent. Remember your warehouse home? With the huge windows, exposed brick, and concrete floors? What about your grand piano, and whole floor-to-ceiling chalkboard? You’ll use it to draw and write and remember, and everything will have been worth it. By yourself or with someone else, listening to suitcase full of sparks and only thinking about sad, but pure times. You used to think that there wasn’t even room for a boy in your warehouse. That’s yours and they may mess up what you’ve got written on your chalkboard. That’s still true. Friends and pets and family all give attention as well as boys. We’re focusing our efforts elsewhere, on beautiful, whimsical, pertinent thoughts. Tyler Lyle’s quote is still relavant, “I hope you can look back at the beautiful sadness of your bygone years and smile”. And you can leave like him as well, “fighting like Hell, with a few good songs”. You’ve always felt emotions a little more strongly than others, your emotions paint a wash over all your memories, in many shades, even post-Christmas is a little more heart-breaking for you than it should be, and that’s okay too. Feeling-type people are going to be so necessary in the world. And the correct person, will dig as deeply into your life as possible to access all those feelings. It’s not your fault you got so attached, it’s who you are. Okay, its fine, maybe shut out people for a little bit because I’m here for myself currently. Get after it girly. Charlemagne by Generationals is catchy, not really a favorite song or mood, but it is good.

October 7

imnotprepared — Sun, 07 Oct 2018 17:30:19 +0000

Well it’s been quite a while since I’ve blogged, and it’s been absolutely detrimental to my life and relationships with others. I can feel myself actively oversharing and over exaggerating my place in their lives, but I literally cannot stop. I feel incredibly annoying and overly sensitive right now. All I’m doing these days is making messes and hurting my own feelings. I actually didn’t give up on that guy because I obviously don’t know how to let go of anything. Right after camp, I remember thinking about how fun it would be to talk about school and share all my drama, with always the thought in the back of my brain of “if it lasts that long”, and now it probs isn’t continuing, but I just refuse to let go??? I’m sticking to my same game plan of hanging on by a thread. I honestly don’t know why I’m surprised when I literally predicted this. Summer rose was really functioning on about 90% higher mental bandwidth than current rose. It’s fine. I’m fine. It’s cooling off soon, it’s fall, I’m wearing clothes that make me happy, and life is good. My friends love me so much, and that’s all I need. Until next time babes. Current favorite song: Rockin’ My Paw by Summer Salt

Disenthrall

imnotprepared — Sun, 26 Aug 2018 04:24:23 +0000

Hey blog, do you remember a while back when I briefly mentioned a boy I was lightly talking to? Well I think I’m officially over him, or at least I want to be. And perhaps I can speak it into being. Back then he used to always try and keep up conversation and say all sorts of sweet things to me, and now I have to text first, and he’ll stay present for like a day before leaving me on open. I don’t thing that I’m wrong to have assumed that he truly liked me, and I really do not see what has changed. Why he seems to have completely lost interest. I don’t think that I’m acting distant or indifferent at all. I just don’t know. He knows about this blog too, and if he ever reads this, then that’s fine, he can prove me wrong. Regardless, I’m having extreme attention withdrawals since he isn’t supplementing and I’m honestly really going through it. I did hear this incredible Robert Frost quotation that I have constantly written on my hand, that has been helping me along. “But I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep, and miles to go before I sleep”. Potentially that will help y’all as well. Goodnight guys. Current Favorite Song: Daisy Chain by The Growlers

16 July

imnotprepared — Mon, 16 Jul 2018 15:51:45 +0000

Hey Girl Scouts, I’m having a super good time with life right now, and I usually don’t share good times on here, so I thought y’all deserved it. I’m on my week of bleeding currently, which is actually gr8 because that means all of my previous mental breakdowns can all be attributed to pms and I’m not criminally insane at all. We’re potentially getting a kitten soon to keep away some of the snakes and lizards on our house, and my dad has also tracked down a gorgeous upright piano that I’m going to purchase myself, and hopefully be able to move into my own house someday. Real pianos are one of the most beautiful and complex things, and it’s so tragic that they’re becoming obsolete. My senior pictures are scheduled for tomorrow, and I still have my braces on, so I’m not too worried about them as a whole. I may look busted as heck, but I haven’t peaked yet, so this is just something to grow from, and I’m still cute quirky and confident. I’m at work right now, and we’re slightly more busy than usual, so I’m not bored out of my whole mind, just a little bit. Honestly I just feel like a glowing ray of sunshine right now, and it’s so nice??? My mom even told me that my posture is better because I’m feeling so good right now. Anyways I’m going to try and live like this for as long as possible, and I’d like to remember it. Alright babes, have a great week, and I’m praying for y’all. Current favorite song: Do You Remember? by Jack Johnson

1:52:20 AM

imnotprepared — Tue, 10 Jul 2018 05:52:42 +0000

Hey, so it’s 2 in the morning and honestly I’m probably psychotic and honestly the cringiest person in the whole universe. That’s my summer break problem, literally me and the bullcrap I have to put up with coming from myself. I really don’t have the mental bandwidth to live with my own thoughts for a whole summer. I think I’m probably going to have to run just constant podcasts through my brain, so I don’t have time to think anymore. Maybe there’s some kind of online therapist I can try and talk to because I think I’ve run all my friends off with the constant stream of idiocracy pouring from me. I don’t think I’ve said one coherent thing yet this whole summer, and I’ll leave you with that.