Bullying is something all of us take seriously. In fact, many schools and organizations have zero-tolerance policies on bullying. But we all know it still happens. It’s important to recognize that both adults and youth have tools to deal with bullying behaviors. While it’s never children’s own fault when they are bullied, it’s important to empower them with ways they can respond when it happens. With some help, most kids are able to come through these pitfalls successfully.

Here are four types of bullying to look out for:

• Verbal: threats, insults, name-calling or spreading rumors
• Relational: social isolation or intimidation
• Physical: violent physical assaults like kicking, punching or property damage
• Cyberbullying: harassing others via social media and cell phone usage

When children talk to you about an incident that happened at school or on the playground, they may or may not call it “bullying.” Depending on their age, they may say: “Someone was mean to me,” or “Someone hit me.”

If your child is in danger physically or emotionally, you should step in; but many bullying incidents are not so extreme. First, help your child understand that he or she is not at fault, that there is nothing they should or could have done to prevent this. The bully has problems that need to be brought to the attention of people who can help and that needs to be done.

You can help your child think through the incident for himself or herself. Ask questions that guide the conversation.

“What could you do if this happens again?” you might ask.

Your child might reply: “I can’t do anything!”

This is a great time for your child to learn that there is always something he or she can do to respond or react to a situation. Guide the conversation and help your child come up with good reactions.

“Could you just walk away?” “Could you make sure you’re with a friend at the time something is likely to happen?”

Usually, your child will come up with an appropriate next step. Something your child is comfortable with and has thought up has the best chance of success.

It’s important for children to learn to stand up for themselves. You don’t want to go out and get boxing gloves like the dads in the old sitcoms did, but it’s good to teach your child different, effective ways to react.

We don’t do our children any favors by solving every problem for them. As part of their development, it’s good for kids to experience the satisfaction and empowerment that come from overcoming a tough situation. In life, people are mean sometimes; it happens on playgrounds and in conference rooms later on.

Learning ways to overcome a difficult situation gives children important life skills, increases their confidence and builds resilience. It helps children develop what psychologists call “self-efficacy,” that critical belief in our own ability to handle situations, complete projects, reach our goals.

As parents, we must step in when our children are in danger of physical or emotional harm. We also must help our children develop the skills to handle such life situations. If children are not in serious physical or emotional danger, guide them as they work through the experience on their own – it’s an important step in their development toward adulthood.

Tim Goldsmith, Ph.D., is chief clinical officer at Youth Villages, where he directs a staff of clinical specialists who oversee the work we do with children and families across the country.
Dr. Tim and his core clinical managers have nearly 100 years of experience helping children with the most serious problems. Together they oversee the counselors and specialists who work directly with parents, teaching them ways to help their children overcome serious problems and go on to do well at home, at school and in the community.

Dr. Tim Goldsmith, Youth Villages’ chief clinical officer

Dr. Tim and his core clinical managers have experience helping children with the most serious problems. Together, they oversee the counselors and specialists who work directly with parents, teaching them ways to help their children overcome serious problems and go on to do well at home, at school and in the community. This year, our clinical and counseling staff will help more than 22,000 children across the country.

Now Dr. Tim and his staff of experts can answer your questions, too. All parents have moments when they wish they could consult with an expert. If you have a question about your tween or teen’s behavior, send it to DrTim@youthvillages.org.

It’s another opportunity to remind us to pay attention to our children’s behavior and look for signs that may indicate depression, anxiety or other serious, but treatable, mental health problems.

Remember that the symptoms of dangerous depression may look different in children and teens than they do in adults. You know your child best. Look for changes in behavior, and pay attention to off-hand comments that might have deeper meaning. Listen for things like:

“You won’t have to worry about that much longer.”

“I just can’t take it any more.”

Then do one hard thing.

If you think your child is having serious problems, ask them. Ask “Are you thinking about killing yourself or have you thought about suicide?”

That question may begin the most important conversation you’ll ever have with your child. Don’t worry that asking about suicide will make your child more likely to make an attempt. Research has shown that it doesn’t.

Youth who are in imminent danger of suicide often discuss their intentions, verbally threaten to kill themselves or take concrete steps toward suicide, such as collecting pills or securing a weapon. A young person may talk or write in a journal about death, forming a specific plan.

Substance abuse increases the risk of suicide. Other risk factors include:

• Diagnosed mental illness, mood disorder, depression or anxiety
• A family history of suicide or a suicide in the child’s school or peer group
• A history of impulsive, aggressive or disruptive behavior
• Family conflict or recent stressful life event
• Incidents of bullying – both the bully and the victim can be at risk
• Access to lethal means, like the availability of guns, drugs or other items that can be easily used to commit suicide

So if you ask your child that hard question, and the answer is “yes,” explain lovingly that suicide is never an option, that you love and support him or her and that you will get help and work on this together. Then call a crisis hotline and seek out a mental health professional.

Even if your child says “no” to this question but you think your child could benefit from a talk with a mental health professional, find a good one. Ask for recommendations from people you trust or use one of the online therapist locator links from a trusted group like the American Psychiatric Association, the American Psychological Association or the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists.

Youth Villages operates crisis response services for children under age 18 in most of Tennessee. A list of crisis telephone numbers is here. In other states, crisis hotlines are available or you can ask your child’s pediatrician for recommendations. If you ever feel your child is a danger to himself or others, call 911 and ask for an immediate connection to appropriate help in your community.

Here are other resources:

• 10 things parents can do to prevent suicide from the American Academy of Pediatrics
• Specialized help for parents of college and university students from the JED Foundation
• A wide range of information is available from the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention
• The National Suicide Prevention Hotline offers information and 24/7 help
• Specialized help for LGBTQ youth from The Trevor Project
• A Friend Asks, an app from The Jason Foundation, with educational material about suicide

It’s important to remember that suicide is more prevalent in Robin Williams’ demographic group than for children and youth. Accidents, especially automobile accidents, are the leading cause of death for young people, followed by homicide and then suicide. Most of our teens won’t have dangerous mental health issues. Almost all of them will be on the road as teen drivers or passengers in vehicles driven by their friends. Stressing seatbelt, mobile phone and texting safety should always be a top priority for parents.

Dr. Tim Goldsmith, Youth Villages’ chief clinical officer

Dr. Tim and his core clinical managers have experience helping children with the most serious problems. Together, they oversee the counselors and specialists who work directly with parents, teaching them ways to help their children overcome serious problems and go on to do well at home, at school and in the community. This year, our clinical and counseling staff will help more than 22,000 children across the country.

Now Dr. Tim and his staff of experts can answer your questions, too. All parents have moments when they wish they could consult with an expert. If you have a question about your tween or teen’s behavior, send it to DrTim@youthvillages.org.

Dr. Tim Goldsmith, Youth Villages’ chief clinical officer

Dr. Tim:

All parents of teenagers worry about this. Is a teen moody or really depressed? Are friend breakups serious or just a part of growing up and finding new interests? Is an angry outburst hormones or something more dangerous?

When do you take a teen’s behavior seriously? All the time.

You’ve got to take everything your teen does or says seriously – just like you did when they were younger. Neuroscience tells us that adolescent brains are still developing, with the part of the brain that allows for good decision making and clear evaluation of personal risk developing last. As your children grow up, you parent in a different way, but your guidance and oversight of their safety is as important as ever.

What should you look for? Look for significant changes in the way your child behaves. Is your daughter making direct statements verbally or on social media about wanting to die or focused on death-related themes in music or art? Is your normally outgoing son beginning to spend almost all of his time alone? Is there a room in the house that’s off limits to you? Have your daughter’s friends changed? Does she have any friends?

Because every child is different, your child may show different signs. Is he sleeping too much or not enough? Is she taking risks or making plans to do unusual things? Has he lost interest in things he used to enjoy? Is he eating as usual? Is she more irritable than usual?

Sometimes teens who are experiencing mental problems may lash out in uncontrollable rage. They may begin to cut themselves or hurt others. They may have no plans for the future or plans that are grandiose and unrealistic. Following them on Facebook, Instagram or YouTube can give you insights. Keep talking with your teen, doing careful, intentional listening.

When should you call for professional help? It’s always better to be safe than so very sorry.

Youth Villages operates crisis response services for children under age 18 in most of Tennessee. In that state, a call is answered by a crisis counselor who may be able to assuage your fears and point you to the right help in your community. We believe that intensive in-home services and community-based care are the best options for most teens. Often an in-home counselor or crisis specialist can spot safety issues in your home that you may not see and can provide a professional evaluation of the concerns you have noticed related to your child’s behavior.

In other states, crisis hotlines are available or you can ask your child’s pediatrician for recommendations. If you ever feel your child is a danger to himself or others, call 911 and ask for an immediate connection to appropriate help in your community. Being attentive to our teens as carefully as we watched them when they were toddlers will always pay off.

Tim Goldsmith, Ph.D., is chief clinical officer at Youth Villages, where he directs a staff of clinical specialists who oversee the work we do with children and families across the country.
Dr. Tim and his core clinical managers have nearly 100 years of experience helping children with the most serious problems. Together they oversee the counselors and specialists who work directly with parents, teaching them ways to help their children overcome serious problems and go on to do well at home, at school and in the community.

This year, our clinical and counseling staff will help more than 22,000 children across the country.

Now Dr. Tim and his staff of experts can answer your questions, too. All parents have moments when they wish they could consult with an expert. If you have a question about your tween or teen’s behavior, send it to DrTim@youthvillages.org.

Dr. Tim Goldsmith, Youth Villages chief clinical officer

My 11-year-old daughter gets teased at school. She is tall for her age, a little overweight and somewhat of a tomboy. She doesn’t fit in with the “cool” girls at school. Frankly, I’m glad because those girls act a lot older than they are and do things that I think girls their age are too young for. Nevertheless, the mean words these girls say and write on Facebook are devastating to my daughter. How can I help her?

This is a tough situation. I’m sorry that your daughter is going through this. Peer problems are normal and a part of growing up. You can help your daughter now and she’ll be a step closer to becoming resilient and more able to handle the emotional storms that grown-up life brings.

First, teasing can be just a nicer word for bullying. You need to talk immediately to your daughter’s teacher, the school counselor, maybe the principal, and see what the situation really is. Schools typically have a no-tolerance policy toward bullying and have ways to help resolve these issues.

Posting negative messages on Facebook or in other social media channels is a type of cyber bullying and has led to tragedy for some teens. It should not be taken lightly. You should talk to the parents of the youth who are posting these messages and get this activity stopped. The parents may not be aware their children are posting negative comments.

It’s important to help your daughter take positive steps. Help her think of positive, encouraging peers she can be friends with at school, in the community or within a religious group. If your daughter has an interest in an extracurricular activity, encourage her to join a school or community group that focuses on this activity. Participation in a positive social activity will increase her self-confidence.

Finally, 11-year-olds are really too young to have Facebook accounts. In fact, Facebook’s user agreement states that kids must be 13 to participate. Children don’t have the maturity to handle inappropriate comments posted on the social media site and don’t fully understand the negative consequences that occur if they post inappropriate comments or photos. Something that may seem funny or cute could embarrass them or hurt the feelings of someone else. Close her account until she is a little older.

Take this opportunity to strengthen your relationship with your daughter. Give her more time and attention, and one day you two may look back on this event as a positive step toward growing up.

For more information on bullying, visit these websites:
http://www.brightfutures.org/mentalhealth/pdf/families/mc/bullying.pdf

http://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/pdf/bullying_factsheet-a.pdf

http://www.stopbullying.gov

Tim Goldsmith, Ph.D., is chief clinical officer at Youth Villages, where he directs a staff of clinical specialists who oversee the work we do with children and families across the country.

Read more about Dr. Tim’s experience and credentials here.

Dr. Tim Goldsmith, Youth Villages chief clinical officer

I recently had to visit the principal’s office at my 12-year-old daughter’s middle school because she has been bullying other girls at school. How do I stop this?

Deal with the situation immediately and firmly. Never minimize or excuse this behavior. Bullying is a serious matter, and your daughter must understand that this will not be tolerated. The school probably will help you teach this lesson. Most schools have a no tolerance bullying policy, and your daughter may face school suspension, even expulsion.

Where did this behavior come from? There’s a back story for every bully. You need to find out what that is. Has your daughter been bullied in the past or is there something else going on? How long has her bullying behavior been going on and how severe is the situation? Understanding the reasons behind the bullying may help you determine your next steps. If you can deal successfully with the underlying reasons, the bullying will probably stop.

What form is the bullying taking? Be aware that girls bully differently than boys. They may exclude girls from their circle, start rumors or use subtle put downs and verbal humiliation. This is just as hurtful and harmful to others as physical bullying. Cyber-bullying, through Facebook, Twitter and other social networks, also is dangerous and damaging.

You will need to have a series of hard conversations with your daughter and increase your monitoring of different aspects of her life and interactions with peers.

A common trait in youth who bully is a lack of empathy, but those skills can be taught. At Youth Villages, we teach teens to write a story multiple times, from each character’s perspective to stretch a child’s ability to see from a perspective other than his/her own. Having youth volunteer and work with others gives them exposure to people outside of their usual world and can increase their ability to build relationships across differences. Lastly, parents must be deliberate in modeling empathy and talking openly about the feelings and perspectives of others.

As a parent, you must set behavior expectations, rules and appropriate consequences if any more bullying occurs. Reward improvements in behavior. At Youth Villages, we remind parents they are in charge and dealing with situations such as the one you describe is your responsibility. Finally, be sure you support and nurture your daughter and keep the lines of communication open.

For more information on bullying, visit these websites:
http://www.brightfutures.org/mentalhealth/pdf/families/mc/bullying.pdf

http://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/pdf/bullying_factsheet-a.pdf

http://www.stopbullying.gov

Tim Goldsmith, Ph.D., is chief clinical officer at Youth Villages, where he directs a staff of clinical specialists who oversee the work we do with children and families across the country.

Read more about Dr. Tim’s experience and credentials here.

Bullying doesn’t just occur on the playground or in the classroom. It can happen at home between siblings.

A new study published online in the July issue of the journal “Pediatrics” found that being physically or mentally bullied by a sibling can be as damaging to the victim’s mental health as being bullied by a classmate or peer.

Often dismissed as sibling rivalry, aggressive behavior by a sibling that escalates can produce anger, anxiety and depression in the victim, whether a child or a teen.

“The mobilization to prevent and stop peer victimization and bullying should expand to encompass sibling aggression as well,” said the study, which was lead by Corinna Jenkins Tucker, associate professor of family studies at the University of New Hampshire.

Bullying by siblings often goes unrecognized and unreported in the home.

“I think because parents expect some level of aggression between their children, they may or may not recognize when that has become a real problem,” said Tim Goldsmith, a doctor of marriage and family therapy and chief clinical officer at Youth Villages, a private nonprofit organization that helps children with emotional, behavioral and mental health issues and their families. Goldsmith has been helping families and their emotionally and behaviorally challenged children for more than 25 years.

There are three defining characteristic that determine if behavior is bullying, Goldsmith said. Parents should be aware of them when assessing sibling relationships.

How to recognize bullying:

• It’s deliberate. The bully intends to hurt someone physically or emotionally.
• It’s repeated. The bully targets the same victim over and over.
• There’s a power imbalance. The child who bullies chooses a victim he or she perceives as vulnerable.

How to prevent or stop sibling bullying:

• Set the expectation that the home is a safe place and bullying will not be tolerated.
• Parents should model the behavior they want to see from their children. Don’t discipline aggressively or in anger; show the proper respect for each member of the family and praise your children when they do, too. Practice clear and consistent discipline.
• Cultivate a close parent-child relationship.
• Establish open communication and trust within the family. Listen to your children and respond if they say they are being emotionally or physically abused in any way – by any person, even a brother or sister.
• Find out what’s behind the bullying behavior. Perhaps the child is seeking attention or being bullied at school.
• Find positive ways for siblings to interact (family game night, outings and family meals).
• Teach children ways to “cool down” before they react, such as counting to 10, listening to music, taking a walk – whatever strategy works best for each individual child. These coping skills are beneficial in all situations. Be sure and praise to reinforce good behavior.
• Provide appropriate supervision and involvement in your child’s life. If bullying is occurring, increase parental supervision and don’t leave the children involved together unsupervised.
• Make sure your children have appropriate and reliable social support everywhere they go, including at school, among friends and in community and religious environments. Caregivers and babysitters should be made aware of the bullying behavior and re-enforce parental steps taken to resolve it.
• Let your child know he or she isn’t the only one who has ever experienced bullying, and you are going to take steps to protect him.
• Watch carefully for any suicidal thoughts or actions. Children who are bullied are at high risk for attempting suicide, Goldsmith said. Bullies are also at risk for mental health issues, including depression and alcohol and drug use.

“I think it’s helpful for parents to recognize the sibling relationship is unique in that it is a really great opportunity to learn how to negotiate with another person, how to resolve conflict with another person, how to be empathetic with another person,” Goldsmith said. “If you set those parameters in your home, the sibling experience can be a good one and a wonderful way to learn healthy social interactions.”

Youth Villages is a private nonprofit organization dedicated to helping emotionally and behaviorally troubled children and their families live successfully. This year, Youth Villages will help more than 20,000 children, young people and families in 11 states and Washington, D.C., through its Evidentiary Family Restoration approach. Youth Villages’ wide array of programs, including intensive in-home services, residential treatment, foster care and adoption, transitional living services, mentoring and crisis services, centers on the five strategies of EFR: family, measurement, community, intensity and accountability. Youth Villages has been recognized by Harvard Business School and U.S. News & World Report, and was recognized by the White House as a model for data-driven social innovation. It was named one of America’s 50 Best Nonprofits to Work For in 2010 and 2011 by the Nonprofit Times and Best Companies Group.

Here are some tips from Tim Goldsmith, Ph.D., Youth Villages’ chief clinical officer.

1. Monitor your own emotions. Stay calm. It is hard not to be emotional when talking about such a terrible tragedy. President Obama even wiped away tears at his news conference. But it’s important that your children see you are calm and in control. They will take their cues from you and too much emotion about the subject may add to their fears. If you’re calm, they will be reassured.
2. Talk about it — in an age-appropriate way. With young children, determine whether your child is likely to hear about the incident. If they are, it’s much better for them to hear about it from you rather than an older sibling or someone on the school bus. If you have children of different ages, it’s best to talk with them separately so you can communicate in an age-appropriate way to each of them. Mainly, ask questions, listen carefully and don’t over-share. Talk about things in the simplest way the child can understand, always mindful of her age and stage of development.
3. Answer the big questions. Most children are concerned with how the tragedy affects them. They wonder if they’re safe. Older children wonder why someone would do something so awful. Answer these big questions.
   • Am I safe? That’s the first and most important question young children need answered, even if they don’t ask the question that clearly. It’s important to let children know that the incident is over. They are safe, and there are many adults in their lives who will keep them safe. You might ask younger children to name people who will help keep them safe: mom, dad, grandparents, trusted neighbors. At school, it might be the teacher, a counselor, the coach. People they know well and trust. That they are safe is probably all a younger child wants to know or needs to know.
   • Why do people do these things? Why did they kill children? Those are the very hard questions that older children and teens may ask. It’s OK to tell your child you don’t have the answers. People do bad things sometimes; sometimes we never know why and there are no reasons or explanations. Let your child discuss how he or she feels. Talk with them about what their school does to help ensure safety. Many schools have metal detectors, “stranger drills” and procedures to keep strangers from coming on campus. Some schools have police officers in the school to ensure safety. Be available and open to talk through these things. Remind children it’s always OK to talk to their teacher or a trusted adult if they feel unsafe.
4. Don’t be surprised by anger. Children may feel a range of emotions from fear to anger. Older teens may talk about how things could have gone differently, how they would have heroically stopped the shooter, even how to get retribution. It’s a good time to remind that all actions have consequences. It’s good to let adolescents express their feelings in an open discussion about thoughts and feelings.
5. Limit exposure to media. With today’s 24/7 news stations, emotional photos and detailed coverage of the shooting will be on our TV screens for days. Younger children should not be exposed to these reports, and it’s best to limit older children’s exposure to the continual coverage.
6. Take comfort in family rituals and routines. Stick with your usual routine to maintain the structure that gives children confidence and security. Faith can be a comfort as well. If your family has a faith background, it’s perfectly appropriate for you to pray with your children for families involved and help them take comfort in God’s oversight of their lives.
7. Remember you’re the expert on your child. Every child responds differently to stressful events. Some children are more anxious and may need more reassurance. Others may not be as concerned. Answer your children’s questions and watch their reactions. You’ll know best how to meet their needs.
8. There is no perfect way to discuss this with a child. These are tough issues for every parent to discuss. There’s no right way to do it. Do it the way that’s comfortable for you and your child. Don’t over-explain. Be open and tell your children they can always talk with you about their fears or concerns.
9. Be watchful in the next days and weeks. Watch for changes in your child’s normal behavior. Behavioral changes may indicate that children need more help in dealing with anxieties. Talk to your pediatrician if your child begins to have nightmares, becomes more clingy, refuses to go to school or to public places, or seems to be dwelling on the tragedy too much.

These are just a few tips. If you want to know more, there are many helpful websites, including www.healthychildren.org from the American Academy of Pediatrics and the National Childhood Trauma Stress Network at www.nctsn.org.

This Mother’s Day, I have a lot to be thankful for. It’s the first Mother’s Day that I am sober and truly enjoying being a mom. But it was a long, hard road to get here.

Life has always been kind of hard for me. Once I became a mom, it got even harder. Taking pills helped. At first, it just helped take the edge off. Over the years, pills became my way of handling everything.

My boyfriend was drinking heavily. At some point, my teenage daughter had enough. Looking for help for our family, she called the Department of Children and Youth Services. They took my daughter and her sister away.

Losing my kids was the hardest. I felt I had failed as a mother and that I failed myself. Worst of all, I had failed my kids.

Still, I couldn’t quit – even after I overdosed. Every day was a struggle.

When I gave birth to my baby, my sixth child, I still couldn’t kick the habit. Then my boyfriend went to jail. I felt like I had nothing more to live for. There was only one thing that could help me, even if it killed me: more pills.

Three months into my new baby’s life, I overdosed again. I shouldn’t be here today, but a wonderful EMT brought me back and saved my life.

The state took my baby and sent me to rehab. I had reached an absolute low point, but my brush with death changed something in me. I found a will to live again and to change my life. I knew I needed help, and I wanted that help. I wanted to get my life on track.

I made a promise to myself I would never use again. I committed to treatment and completed it. It felt great being sober.

Four months into my sobriety, the state gave me my kids back. It was the most wonderful feeling to have them back. But I was also terrified. I had never been a sober mother.

That’s why I asked the state for extra help. They sent me an angel to help me and my family.

Becky, a Youth Villages family intervention specialist, came to my home three times a week for intensive family therapy. She asked me what my goals were for me and my family, and then we got to work. I was ready and excited. This was my chance to become the mom I wanted to be.

Youth Villages’ intensive in-home program helped me learn new parenting skills. We made behavior contracts with my kids and set clear expectations for behaviors, along with rewards and consequences all the kids agreed to.

The behavior contracts are taped to our refrigerator, so everyone always knows what’s expected.

The hardest thing was working on communication skills. I was never able to communicate with my kids the way I knew we should.

My teenage daughter and I used to get into arguments that ended in screaming matches and drained our energy. Becky taught us to avoid pushing each other’s buttons and to talk to each other calmly.

Learning to communicate with each other made the biggest difference for me and my teen daughter. We can talk to each other now when something is bothering us, and we have gained each other’s respect and trust. I get all choked up thinking about it.

But the greatest compliment is when I hear my daughter brag about me as a parent. It’s the ultimate reward. Things are so different now. So good. We’re no longer stressed out being a family.

It feels awesome to have my family back, and I am so thankful I can be the mother my children need and deserve.

God kept me alive to be there for my kids but also to share my story with other moms and dads who are struggling with addiction, feelings of hopelessness and failure. There is hope. I’m living proof that parents can make changes and get their lives on track when they get the help they truly need. You can too.

This Mother’s Day I want to express my gratitude to all those people who helped me and my family make it. You gave us the greatest gift. Thank you!

Parents generally teach their children about “stranger danger” from an early age on, instilling in them not to talk to, walk with or take candy from strangers. But statistics show danger often lurks closer to home than anyone would like to imagine. According to numbers provided by the National Association of Adult Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse, the vast majority of children who are sexually abused are abused by someone they know – most often a family member, an adult the family trusts or, in some instances, another child.

As a parent you can help protect your child from sexual abuse by talking to your child about it, starting at a young age.


“It’s essential that parents have a conversation with their children about sexual abuse,” said Kay Knaff, clinical services program manager for Youth Villages, a private nonprofit organization that helps children with emotional, behavioral and mental health issues, as well as children who have been abused or neglected. “This may seem hard to do, but it’s the best way to protect your child. It’s best to start talking to your children about child abuse as early as age 3 or 4.”

Parents should talk to their children about inappropriate touching and other forms of child abuse, and make sure their children know what behavior is right and what is wrong. In addition, Knaff said parents should teach children to say “no” to their abuser if they can, try to get away from the abuser and/or call for help so other people become aware of the situation.

“Child abuse data show that the majority of children keep abuse a secret,” Knaff said. “That means it is even more important that parents not only talk to their children about what child abuse is and emphasize that it is never the child’s fault. Abuse is always wrong, and children should report it to a trusted adult. Parents need to keep the lines of communication open and seek out their children whenever they feel like something is going on with their child or their child is behaving differently in some way from usual.”


To encourage children to report any abuse, parents should let the child know about two or three people designated as safe adults the child can talk to if he or she suffers abuse or feels unsafe. 


“Children need to know who they can talk to,” Knaff said. “They also need to be encouraged to tell what happened to them to more than one person and keep telling until someone believes them and does something about it.”

Knaff also recommends parents specifically teach their children to report any touching that feels uncomfortable or wrong, even if it is by a family member, teacher, coach, church official, youth group leader or another child.

How to talk to your child about sexual abuse:


• Tell your child about good touch – a hug or a pat on the back – and bad touch – when someone is touching your private areas.

• Tell your child nobody – no family member, teacher, other child or adult – is allowed to touch him or her in the areas covered by a bathing suit because these are private areas. Exceptions are a parent bathing a young child or helping the child with using the bathroom, as well as a doctor or nurse when examining the child at a doctor’s office or healthcare facility.

• Tell your child he or she has permission to tell any adult who touches them in their private areas, “No!”
• Tell your child that if anyone ever touches him or her in any way in their private areas, he or she 
should tell mom, dad and or grandma/grandpa or another trusted person about it immediately.

Other forms of child sexual abuse are exposure to sexual acts or sexually explicit materials not intended for minors, as well as indecent exposure. Children should be encouraged to talk to the designated safe adults any time they feel unsafe.



Get help immediately

If you suspect your child has been abused, act immediately. Either call your local police department, your local rape crisis center, Child Protective Services or the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline at 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453), then push 1 to talk to a hotline counselor.

“The best thing you can do for a child who has been abused is to get the child professional help right away,” Knaff said.

Teen dating: It’s a subject that causes many parents to shudder and shy away. But romance is a fact of life for young people, and parents can use Valentine’s Day to start important conversations with their teens or pre-teens that can make dating and relationships safer for them – not just now but throughout their lives.

The experts at Youth Villages say there’s a dark side to puppy love.

• Approximately one in three adolescent girls in the United States is a victim of physical, emotional or verbal abuse from a dating partner.
• One in four teen girls in a relationship says she has been threatened with violence or experienced verbal abuse, and 13 percent of teens say they were physically hurt on purpose by a boyfriend or girlfriend.
• Forty-five percent of girls know a friend or peer who has been pressured into having intercourse or oral sex.*

The internet, social media and cell phones have opened up new avenues for improper, even illegal behavior, among teenagers. Teens can be harassed or ridiculed through texts or Facebook posts. And one in five teen girls has electronically sent or posted nude or nearly nude photos or videos.

What’s a parent to do? Kristin Landers, a clinical program manager for Youth Villages, a private nonprofit with the mission to help children with emotional, behavioral and mental health issues and their families, said to help teens date safely, lines of communication have to be open, and parents must pay attention. Here are some tips:

1. Know your teen’s friends. “As children become tweens and teens, it’s more important than ever for parents to know their children’s friends,” Landers said. “This is the age when what peers think and say are a teen’s top influence. Kids value their friends the most. You must know them.

“You may have to step in and help the child reduce his or her relationship with a peer who you think is negative or damaging. That’s very difficult. It’s easier to promote positive relationships early and nourish those relationships through the teen years.”

2. Set family expectations early and review often. It’s never too early to start talking about your family’s unique values and expectations. Start talking about dating and relationships as early as age 9 or 10, no later than 12 – before the first date is even on the horizon.

“Your child needs to know what activities you consider appropriate and where the absolute out-of-bounds lines are,” Landers said. “Be sure to look for ‘teaching moments’ – such as a congressman who is forced to resign after sending a provocative photo. These events become lessons in the bad things that can happen when actions aren’t thought through. You can discuss incidents that are in the news, behavior of TV stars, scenes in movies, anything that will inspire conversation and help you reinforce your values message.”

3. Take a deep breath and discuss sexual situations your teen might encounter. “Remind them that oral sex is sex. There seem to be some teenage and adult misunderstandings about that,” Landers said. “Be sure your teens understand that they have the right to say no.” You might even role play potential situations so your child learns how to say no, or what to do if he or she feels pressured.

3. Randomly check your child’s cell phone. Check your teen’s cell phone periodically to review the content and tone of those continual texts. You should have the password.

“People lived without cell phones for centuries, and your teen might have to now – if rules are broken,” Landers said.

“Remind them that sexting is not just offensive – it’s illegal,” Landers said. “Make sure your child knows that sending nude or provocative pictures on a phone may bring a visit from police and – maybe more importantly to them – will allow the photo to be forwarded to the entire school. Friends who open messages showing a minor in a sexually provocative way may be accused of viewing child pornography.”

You can use the Internet and multimedia to help you. One website to consider, www.thatsnotcool.org, produced by the Ad Council, offers humorous videos that nudge teens toward the right answers about digital media and relationships.

4. Be on the lookout for toxic relationships. Most teen dating relationships go as well as we all expect. There’s first love, first breakups, lots of emotion, but very little lasting damage. Like adult relationships, though, teen ones can involve physical or emotional abuse, harassment and stalking. Some have even committed suicide after a romantic breakup.

Parents have to continue to be on watch. Look for changes in eating or sleeping patterns, excessive worry or preoccupation with what a boyfriend or girlfriend thinks, a drop in grades and isolation from old friends. Know the boyfriend or girlfriend and his or her parents. If you notice any of these things in your teen, something is wrong, and you need to talk with your child to find out what is going on, Landers said.

The teenage years are an important time for any child. He or she is taking steps toward adulthood and making lifetime memories: first date, first crush, first love. “Hopefully, they’ll have fond memories of the caring, involved parent who watched over them during this time as well,” Landers said.

Youth Villages is one of the country’s leading providers of children’s behavioral and mental health services. For more information and good advice for parents, visit www.youthvillages.org.

*These statistics were compiled by the Centers for Disease Control in Atlanta.