Zaboni's Blog

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2011-05-08T18:51:00.001-07:00

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2010-04-17T08:51:00.001-07:00

I have been an awful blogger. I haven't give my followers any good material in long time, so I decided to punish myself. Not inside a bath tub with a razor and a Taking Back Sunday cd, but by doing something much worse. I watched Battlefield Earth: A Saga of the Year 3000, perhaps the worst movie ever made, I kid you not. If you enjoy science fiction, action movies, interesting characters, and good stories please look elsewhere. I tried to look at why this film is so terrible but I got lost. I decided to make a list, unfortunately to pick every part of this movie that sucked would require seeing it again.

1. The script is based on Scientology founder, L. Ron Hubbard's book. If you know the beliefs of Scientologists then you can probably grasp how ridiculous and incoherent this movie is.

2. Almost every shot in the movie is a dutch angle, I was forced to tilt my head from side to side so I could watch this epic dump of a movie.

3. Travolta's acting is so bad it makes Robert Patterson, that d-bag vampire wanna be from the Twilight Series, look like Leo DiCaprio.

4. The plot is the biggest piece of garbage ever, relying on coincidence after coincidence to drag this story along. An example: the protagonist just happens to find Harrier jets which have been left in perfect condition for over 1000 years along with a training simulator for said jets.

5. The film is viewed as a pro-Scientology propaganda, which is hysterical considering how bad this movie did in theaters.

6. Forrest Whitaker is so disappointing. I mean he tries to do his best with the nine foot tall abortion of an alien, but he still blows.

7. The writer apologized publicly for his role in making this atrocity.

8. It sets up for the sequel, indeed this movie pulls a Super Mario Brothers and sets up for a sequel which will never happen, unless someone at Franchise Pictures decides to pick up his crack pipe. Wait, this movie directly lead to the bankruptcy of that company.

Ok, so I am sorry that this update has been so long in the making, but trust me, by watching Battlefield Earth I have suffered enough.

Man of the Year

2010-01-20T08:01:00.000-08:00

“I don’t think they are going to be ready for this situation. Everyone’s gonna be like 'oh shoot, that’s the situation right there"- Mike "The Situation"

It's January, but it's not too early to start considering our 2010 Man of the Year, the Situation. Seriously, this guy is awesome, he refers to himself in the third person, with a nickname that he most likely gave himself. The Situation seems to have a very basic agenda: pick up trashy girls, throw the "hand grenades" to his boy Pauly D, and then hit the hot tub. In the world of one dimensional reality personas, the Situation appears to be the most one dimensional, hence the most awesome. I think meeting the Situation would be a huge let-down, but I could be wrong.

If you are reading this Mr. The Situation, which you probably can't, don't stop doing what you do best, you make State Island proud.

BCS BS

2009-12-06T22:22:00.001-08:00

Did anyone see the BCS selection show on Fox last night after the Cowboys/Giants game? It began with a whopping three minute highlight reel of epic BCS games past accompanied music that could make John Williams cry. They soon began announcing the bowls including the shots of a stadium filled with fans waiting to hear something which everyone knew. Seriously TCU? Don't you guys have finals this week? This leads me to my next question: Seriously America?

The bowl games don't start until December 19th, and those ones aren't even the big ones. I think we should take a chill pill before we begin to go all America on it and ruin it.

Because this is getting hyped up as the much as anything has been lately I made 5 predictions to show just how epic this bowl season will be:

1.SEC represents in all bowl games, the SEC needs a gang sign the players could flash after big plays so they can rep it.

2.Tim Tebow cries again, regardless of the outcome of the Sugar Bowl.

3. Mark Mangino remains heroically fat.

4. Colt McCoy grows another sweet mustache.

5. Tony Pike remains a legit NFL prospect, despite showing up to the game inebriated.

FYL

2009-09-11T13:37:00.000-07:00

FML, the website where people can anonymously complain about how much they suck is not too different from most of its users. It also sucks. Sure FML can be funny, but usually it is just depressing.

Luckily, I found an FML-esque website, but much funnier. MLIA- My Life is Average. What might appear on FML as "Today I pooped myself. FML". Instead read more like this: "Today I pooped myself, it's ok I am 98 years old. MLIA". Short, sweet, and a complete satire of FML.

Thankfully hipsters found this site, and ruined it. MLIA went from consistent source of hilarity to another reason why I hate people I have never met. Yesterday's top comments was, "Today, a friend and I had a discussion about dinosaurs and came to the conclusion that t-rexs were only angry and aggressive because their arms were too short to hug one another. MLIA. " Sorry nerds, that's not average. The site has lost its mojo.

Fortunately, texts from last night has not been ruined, yet.

The Green Movement

2009-08-21T21:49:00.001-07:00

Ok, this green thing is here to stay. We get it, we should use only what we need. The one thing I hate about the green movement is the snobbishness of those who try to promote it, like the common man wouldn't understand that burning plastics is not good for the environment without the Greensters! Thank god that jerk in the Prius let me know that I shouldn't leave the water running in the shower if I am not in it. How insightful, I never really thought about it that way. SMACK.

Wait, Greenies, are you telling me that riding my bike to work uses less gas than a car? Wow, you should be up for a Nobel prize, I would have never thought of that one by myself. I bet all you green guys sit in a room and come up with such ingenious ideas, like, turning off the water when you're brushing your teeth! You guys are real heroes.

To all you green lovers, this is not an attack, merely a promise: If you point out one more green tip that isn't actually helpful I will come down upon you.

We get it, leaving your car running for hours on end produces carbon emissions, so please shut up and get out of my way. Also handing out those pamphlets with green information is counter-productive, just think about it.

Look for more on the green movement later

Sorry...

2009-07-12T14:52:00.000-07:00

Sorry the update is taking too long, I've been busy as hell. I hope that you guys don't hate me forever. Expect something good though.

Draft Decision

2009-06-07T23:08:00.000-07:00

I have been contacted by an agent, I plan on trying out for the San Francisco 49ers for any position necessary. Here is the recruiting video.

Zaboni

Seinfeld's Problem

2009-05-27T23:19:00.000-07:00

I am an avid fan of Seinfeld, I consider it one of the high points of the 20th century along with Michael Bay's movies of that century (see previous post). Anyways, I have always considered the show to be flawless, from the hilarious characters to the absurd plots which always end in some funny confrontation, hopefully involving Costanza. However, I have found one fatal flaw in the show, and it comes in Jerry's apartment.

It is fact that Jerry and Kramer both reside at the end of the hallway. It is also fact that Jerry has a bathroom facing parallel to the hallway, with a window also. But what doesn't make any sense is the fact that Jerry's desk set-up isn't as far back as the bathroom, in fact there is no window on that side of the apartment (save for the bathroom). So I worked it out on Google's SketchUp, and no matter how many times I did the floor plan from both memory and while watching episodes, I always found the same problem, the apartment could be bigger. There is an enormous void between the wall of the apartment and the wall of the building. Did the builders have a surplus of dry wall or something and needed to clock in a couple hours for union benefits? Even as an architect it would be MORE work to draw that extra line, it drives me nuts wondering...

What's in there?

Maybe I have too much time on my hands.

On the 8th Day God Created Michael Bay

2009-05-15T23:13:00.000-07:00

I am surprised Hollywood is still in business. In 2003 the movie industry peaked, with the release of the best movie ever, Bad Boys II. Not only did it sweep the Oscars, including controversial wins in the best foreign film catergory as well as best documentary. Fans of the film argue that Bad Boys II's climax takes place in Cuba and therefore it is a foriegn film. There still has been no logical defense for the documentary win.

Thankfully, Michael Bay didn't end his life following the release of the movie, although it would've been considered leaving on a high note. And now Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is readying itself to drop its pants and face-rape you this July.

Michael Bay, is the Alfred Hitchcock of my generation.

You say North by Northwest, I say The Rock.

You say Psycho, I say Armegeddon.

Get it.

Michael Bay hasn't made a bad film, ever. I know Pearl Harbor is considered the worst of his films, but that is like saying it's the worst variation of bacon or the worst type of explosion, it's still better than anything else.

If anyone doesn't like Michael Bay, then they must hate freedom and America.

Swine Flu

2009-05-06T19:49:00.000-07:00

Well, if you haven't noticed this season's hottest accessory is swine flu. Celebrities such as Kanye, Lil Wayne, and John Daly have all been seen sporting it. I have been trying to score some, but all the stores are sold out. Hopefully mine will come off of back order soon. I am really hoping to get some before it goes out of style. If anyone has any please send me some, I really want to be on tv rocking some s-flu. Apparently this trend has caught on throughout the Mexico, I might have to make a trip down.

If you have it, please anwser a couple questions for me:

1. Have you become more popular since contracting it?

2. Has it increased your performance in the bedroom?

2A. If you so in what way?

3. Do you feel one step closer to becoming man-bear-pig?

4. Is it true you are ahead of the curve and contracted it before Kanye?

5. Can you send some?

Just Ridiculous

2009-04-29T18:20:00.000-07:00

Arby's has hit a slippery slope. It all began with this ad, featuring a woman dressing up as Arby's worker for her husband's birthday. The sexual undertones were there, and the ad was almost funny (the first time at least). Equating fast food and sex is absurd. Is anyone stupid enough to believe that Arby's will get you some play?

Well, the kinky couple is just the begining. Things get absurd right here. Yes, apparently really attractive women, walk around giving their phone numbers away to stalky bearded gingers eating greasy fast food, in the park. Is this the world you think we live in Arby's?

Arby's is so gross that the only way that they can trick people into eating their food is by convincing them that they will get some if they eat their food. The only thing people get as a result of eating Arby's is Pepto-Bismol and heart attacks.

At least it is better than the talking oven mitt.

Proposition

2009-04-24T13:22:00.000-07:00

As I was watching the Cavs pummel the the Pistons tonight, I got worked up. Not because of the game, but because of the wasted potential of LeBron James.

Dear Mr. LeBron James,

I have a proposition for you. If you should finish the 2008-2009 NBA season with a championship, as many favor, I want you to take a break from basketball. We all remmeber the ad where you played football. I mean you did get all state, in football, as a sophomore. Why be a one trick pony? You dominate in the NBA, but I challenge you, King James, to make the jump to the NFL. We need a positive role model at reciever, there are too many T.O.'s and Plaxico's.

Let's go over your check list:

NBA MVP: Check

NBA Rookie of the Year: Check

Olympic Gold Medal: Check

Statefarm ad where you act kinda douchey: Check

Now, here are a couple more accomplishments you should try for:

Lombardi Trophy, NFL Rookie of the Year, NFL MVP, etc.

Please consider my proposition,

Zaboni

Also, check out this ad. The payoff is worth it.

Farewell

2009-04-17T10:11:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, an all out legend and man amongst all men, announced his retirement. John Madden is awesome because of a few reasons:

1) Irrational fear of flying

2) Love of all meat related products, including but not limited to: turducken, bacon, steak, pork, slim jims, and too many more to count.

3) Superbowl Ring.

4) Some chill videogames.

5) Survival of upwards of twenty heart attacks, and fifteen strokes.

6) Madden had a 76.3 winning percentage (with the Raiders), suck on that Lane Kiffin.

7) "The Madden Cruiser" with one room which is rumored to be entirely edible and made out of pizza.

8) Creation and execution of "The Holy Roller" one of the more badass football plays of the 1970's.

Mr. John Madden, I wish you a long and happy retirement. And if you come back to commentating it wouldn't exactly kill me. Until then Frank Caliendo is really looking for a new act.

Rant: Abercrombie and **it

2009-04-10T12:25:00.000-07:00

Today, I was durressed to go shopping with my family, and I witnessed the reason for the United States' current economic woes, Abercrombie and Fitch. Yes, I am pinning the recession on this group of losers. Why would I want to go into a poorly lit store, which is blasting faux-Backstreet Boys louder than most clubs? First of all, if you are going to play boy band, at least play one with songs that are recognizable. Second, I can't see what the hell I am buying. Why would I chose your store when I could buy virutally the same crap in the Gap which is directly across from it. Also they sold fragrence for "tweens". Who the hell spends over eight dollars on keeping their kids from smelling? Assholes, that's who.

I understand you guys think you are so cool, but to be honest your whole business model sucks. I am no expert here, but when your store makes people want to go home and slit your wrists, there is something drastically wrong.

Instead of being a Negative Nancy, I am going to propose some modest changes:

1. More track lighting and ambient lighting

2. Music that doesn't require people to cut off their own ears.

3. Products people will actually buy

4. Try folding the clothes before putting them on display

With all these changes taken into consideration, the store will probably still suck, but not as hard.

1000 Hits and Rolling

2009-04-06T14:25:00.000-07:00

Zaboniblog has officially hit 1000 hits. Thanks to all the readers. New post coming later this week.

CRAP

2009-04-02T18:07:00.000-07:00

Remember how it all began with a man, wearing a suit, lying in the midst of a jungle and we have no idea how he got there? It was magical, sure we had questions about all the stuff happening. But it was very simple stuff like what is that thing that John Locke and Boone are screwing with in the middle of this island. Remember when we couldn't see the monster? It was actually scary, then. Unfortunately Lost is now a piece of crap which makes me long for a much simpler time...

I am officially through with Lost. It used to be so freaking sweet, but the writers just had to get more and more ridiculous. Will we ever find out what the Darmha Initiative is? To be frank, I don't really care. I was watching just in hopes of seeing a well thought out conclusion, but I was wrong. Guess what? You snooze, you lose, ABC. I used to like that show when it was cool, but now it is a boring suckfest filled with more assholes than a proctologist's clinic on the New Jersey turnpike. Yeah I went there.

Seriously, I love ABC, they have so many great shows such as [insert a show on ABC that doesn't suck]. Seriously, the only reason I watch ABC is because my remote is broken and it is in between Fox and NBC and CBS. Notice a pattern? ABC is the only major network not getting in on a piece of the NFL, losers. I finally realized I only liked Lost is because the first season was awesome and the second was pretty decent as well, but I would rather use a scuba tank filled with farts than watch the rest of the series.

If you follow my advice and drop Lost, as you should, and need another serial drama to fill the void, try watching Kings on NBC instead, it's surprisingly tight (so far).

Stupidity Strikes Again

2009-03-22T19:50:00.000-07:00

I was recently subjected to a film, that horrifically offended yours truly. The film in question is the pre-teen box office smash, Twilight. This movie isn't bad because it lacks significant plot developments, although it doesn't quite help. The true fault of the film comes in the aspects of the vampires in the movie. Twiligiht decides to do away with all the of the traditional qualities that are associated with vampire lore. As a fan of vampire movies including but not limited to The Blade Trilogy, I was very deeply offended to see that the "vampires" in this movie doing non-vampire things such as, walking around in the daylight, not dying when exposed to direct sunlight, having a reflection, seemingly being unaffected to garlic, the list of inaccuracies is so long you could write a book about it. Wait, they did write a book and adapted it into a crap movie.

However, the one redeeming part of the movie came with the presence of Bella, she is wicked hot. If you are Kristen Stewart, please forgive me for hating on your work, and what are you doing this Friday?

The Greatest Band There Never Was

2009-03-21T17:52:00.000-07:00

I am currently listening to the greatest band that never existed. The Beets. I was totally bumping "Killer Tofu" very recently. The Beets have released such hits as "I Need More Allowance" and "Shout Your Lungs Out". Trust me, The Beets know how to rock. As tribute, I am going to post downloads for their hits.

Killer Tofu

I Need More Allowance

Shout Your Lungs Out

Don't Sue Me!

Is it getting stupider in here?

2009-03-06T21:15:00.000-08:00

Well there is no doubt that you facebook users have seen the newest trend sweeping the book herself, the catergorize my friends pictures. I saw it at the beginning of the week, one of my friends was tagged in it. I thought nothing of it, I didn't even check out the picture. The horror began on Tuesday when I found myself tagged in a similar post. Being one with a reputation to uphold, I checked out this notification and noticed a semi-familiar picture, no it wasn't of me, it was a group of cartoons with various captions underneath such as "that couple" or "the flirt". I was shocked and awed by the stupidity what I was trying to comprehend. There is some ridiculious trend sweeping the good ol' book and it involves stereotyping your friends publicly, while trying to psycho-analyze them. It is now against moral law for anyone over the age of fifteen to be involved with such stupidity.

Tagmypals.com just made the wrong enemy.

Rant: Mimes

2009-03-02T17:56:00.000-08:00

Morons

Clowns are scary. Fact. Mimes are like the less deranged versions of clowns, making them fall short of creepy status, and they are simply lame. Think about it, who wants to be entertained by a performer not making sound when you could just as easily? That is like buying a television without speakers, except a t.v. is actually entertaining, unlike those no good communist mimes.

To show my hatred toward the world of mimes and mime folk I decided that I am going to write one letter a week to the Federation of Mimes Guild until they shut down.

As a concerned American, and lover of all things human, I think that all the mimes in the world should put down the invisible ladders and get a real job. Or, they could simply start talking while doing all their crazy tricks. Seriously, if any of you mimes can read this, if you are even capable of that, please stop being mimes.

Wilson's Wisdom

2009-02-27T10:51:00.000-08:00

"If you want to see a cat clean, you throw a bucket of mud over it"

"Mark, might I remind you that Benjamin Franklin, Sigmund Freud, Mahatma Ghandi all wore glasses, and I don't think anyone would consider them dorks."

"He who has never learned to obey cannot be a good commander."-Aristotle.

Newest Feature

2009-02-25T21:45:00.000-08:00

Thanks to a friend of mine I have become pathetically hooked on potentially television's best show: Home Improvement. The show, while wildly cliched, is quite humorous and even very clever at times. Tim Allen proves himself to be surprisingly witty. Al Borland, Tool Time's co-host, serves as a strong character as-well, alternating in the size of his role from episode to episode. Whether or not the amount of time on he is on screen is big or small, he proves to be very enjoyable. Before, I ramble on, I am going to cut to the chase. I decided to begin featuring quotations from the Taylor's infinitely wise neighbor, Wilson W. Wilson. When I happen to catch an episode that is.

Rant: Tandem Bikes

2009-02-22T15:06:00.000-08:00

Morons

I walked out of the gym this morning and was almost run over by one of the stupidest contraptions to grace God's good earth, a two person bicycle, I had to look up the official name on google, because I am was pretty sure "idiot vehicle" wouldn't have been specific enough to find a picture to accompany my rant.

Here is how I imagine the "tandem" bike was developed.

Inventor 1: Hey, bikes are a very effective mode of transportation, but how can we innovate them?

Inventor 2: We should also try and find a good market too.

Inventor 1: I've got it! We could make a bike that holds two people.

Inventor 2: Who is going to buy that?

Inventor 1: D-bags! And we could make it so that if only one person was riding it they would look like even more of a d-bagger!

Inventor 2: I'll call the patent office.

And thus one of the most ridiculous contraptions was born. Think about it, who honestly thinks that they need a tandem bike?

I'll break it down,

Pros of having a tandem bike:

Carrying capacity of 2.

No one will steal it because it sucks.

Cons of having a tandem bike:

You look like a douche.

It is slower, and more difficult to steer.

The person in the front goes on a power trip, leaving the second to sit there and peddle.

Awful turning radius.

With only one rider it looks like you are the loneliest person alive.

To conclude my rant, I just want to say that people should find better things to spend their moneys on like Left 4 Dead.

Left 4 Dead kicks ass.

Enough Already

2009-02-19T19:42:00.000-08:00

There are somethings that suck, I mean need to end. Let us countdown these things:

1. Gieco/Freecreditreport.com ads. These ads are to television what STD's are to sex.

2. ATM transaction fees. Never been much of a fan, and they're just straight up not chill.

3. The Recession (not the Jeezy album)- too obvious?

4. Tyler Perry- he's not funny. He is taking valuable airtime away from Home Improvement.

5. February- Watchmen comes out March 6th, and South Park's 13th season begins on March 11th, March Madness comes along too.

6. Global Warming- see number 3.

7. The whole world ends in 2012 thing.

8. Ugly people.

9. The Simpsons, I never thought I would say this, but this show has gotten far too predictable/ isn't the same without Conan writing.

10. Pi- it never ends. IT NEVER ENDS.

11. ESPN's obsession with A-Rod. He is a cheater, game over.

12. Crappy horror remakes, I shudder to think about the remake of "The Thing".

13. Tiger's hiatus- the PGA isn't the same without you.

14. LOLcats- utterly stupid.

15. Lost- The last four seasons can't add up to the magic of the first, as a hooked viewer, please wrap it up.

16. People hating on Christian Bale- I don't care if he is a jerk, he is still one of the best actors in Hollywood. If you don't believe me see American Psycho or The Machinist or The Prestige.

17. NFL off-season. No explanation necessary.

18. This list.

UPDATE: It turns out Tyler Perry was homeless before he became a successful actor, so I don't think he should go back to that. But please stop audio/visually raping me everytime I turn on the television.