Zeddemore Rants

104: "Nightmare On Elm Street"

2010-08-28T10:51:00.000+01:00

Sorry for the delays. PS2 isn't set up yet back home, and haven't managed to catch up with 'Trapped In The Closet, Part Four.' I'll see what I can do next week. Will definitely be bringing you 'Wicker Man, Part Two' on Monday. That should be a fun diversion from normality.

Where's 103? Hmm, not sure myself. Devious play is at work.

102: "Watchmen"

2010-08-25T10:19:00.000+01:00

Hey guys, Zeddemore here.

Another old review. Quality is probably not great, but it helps continue my theme of having all of that stuff available here for easy cataloging. And if it helps, latest 'Trapped In The Closet' will be up later today.

Wicker Man (2006) Recap: Part One

2010-08-23T00:00:00.000+01:00

Hey guys, this is Zeddemore.

I know this has been recapped a fair bit online. I even read a great rant on it by Spoony that's available here, but I figure there's room for multiple takes on the same film. Especially as I will be documenting it in various parts. Eleven, to be precise. If you can guess why I'm doing it in eleven parts, you're a far braver man than I am when it comes to the long arm of the law.

The plan is for a part a week. Recapping films isn't easy to do, they tend to be time consuming. I also feel that these things will be funnier with a bit of a reprieve between them. Means I can come up with fresh jokes and on ongoing narrative, like I do with my Trapped In The Closet recaps.

With that said, here's the trailer!

Looks amazing, doesn't it? I predict a laugh riot, with a small amount of depth. At any rate, let's break this down and kick off the eternal awesome that is...

"Who? What? Where?
How? Why? When?"

We start with the Warner Bros logo. The theme of sacrifices for a greater good is already evident. Then there's a logo for Alcon Entertainment involving an archer. Archers aren't prevalent nowadays, so one gets the sense of a Robin Hood figure against an evil pseudo-government. The themes are coming thick and fast. Next up is Millennium Films - which is the dawn of a new age. So we have sacrifice, archery, and the dawn of a new age. Old meets the new, and is then sacrificed for the newer.

New age symbolism!

And then there's a logo for Saturday Films. That's just pretentious. You lay in the subtle symbolism above, now you gotta make it obvious that the film is dealing with religion? Screw that. How dare you people be so simplistic. Don't waste my motherfucking time...

I ignore the Equity logo, because that's just taking the piss.

Saturn being involved does make me laugh. The obvious joke is that this film sucks Uranus, and it won't stop sucking Uranus until Pluto backs off to Mars.

"I said boo-urns!"

Okay, enough with the bad jokes. Back to The Wicker Man.

We open in a desert. Sky is cloudy. Fence-post is stood upright. Nicholas Cage's name appears. At this point, I should probably mention two things. 1) I hate Nicholas Cage. 2) Nicholas Cage does not play characters, he plays Nicholas Cage playing a character. Now that you know that, you'll be able to understand why I'm going to call the character he plays here by the name of Nicholas Cage.

Still in a desert like area, but now we're staring at a city. Or town. Maybe village. We're too far away to tell. Clearly, we are God looking down at civilisation. And as we do this, the credit for Ellen Burstyn appears. She's a better actor (and actress) than Nicholas Cage, so she'll be credited by her real name as a sign of respect. It's worth noting that her credit appearing as part of a God eye view is remarkably unsubtle given who she plays, but as she won't be appearing in these recaps again for a few weeks I have to assume most of us will have forgotten that.

We go to the centre of town. A truck drives through frame.

Then we shift to a restaurent. Looks more like a diner to me. Redneck Cop gives off a mild rape vibe, sipping coffee and chewing some sort of leafy substance. He smokes up as the Self-Loathing Waitress walks over. Redneck Cop runs his best game, but Self-Loathing Woman is conscious so it doesn't work. The Self-Loathing Woman lets him off the hook, saying she understands impotence in men. Redneck Cop doesn't leave, because she hasn't served his friend.

Self-Loathing Waitress yells out to Nicholas Cage that his salad is up. He nods, goes back to checking postcards for DNA. This lasts a second, and then he starts looking at self-help compilations. The one he's holding is titled: "Stop Making Shitty Films!" Nicholas Cage puts it down.

"Kick-Ass didn't bomb. Bombs go off!"

Nicholas Cage rides down the highway on a CHOPPER. He pulls over a Drug Addict. The Drug Addict hands over his license and registration, then makes chit-chat. He was speeding, but offers to give Nicholas Cage the TNA Heavyweight Title if he'll let this slide. Nicholas Cage knows the TNA Heavyweight Title is worth less than the minimum fine, so he replies with: No dice, daddio!

So Nicholas Cage rides through deserty land and dusty highways, like he was some kind of paranormal driver of some kind. Hey, maybe someone should make that film?

He drives behind a Bland Car. The Bland Driver of the Bland Car throws a Bland Doll onto the road. The resulting crunch sends a shiver down my spine. Bland Dolls aren't just for Christmas. Nicholas Cage agrees, as he's had experience (in his role as a dedicated cop) of abusive parents. His anger grants him temporary superpowers, and he manages to pick the Bland Doll up without stopping his CHOPPA.

The sirens come on, and the shit gets real.

He pulls the Bland Car driven by the Bland Driver who may be an abusive parent but who undeniably threw a Bland Dull onto a dusty road over. Nicholas Cage reaches for his pistol, having seen Trapped In The Closet too many times to assume people won't put a cap in his wig.

Bland Driver is female. She looks like Diet Tango. Her attempts to flirt with Nicholas Cage go awry when he tries to improv the scene. She alludes to beating her child without saying it. Nicholas Cage doesn't question further, he's too busy trying to improv that he wants to bang the actress, destroying the fourth wall that the film was trying to portray in a towering inferno of unkempt hair and horrendous overacting.

Creepy Little Kid #1 cuts her mother (Bland Driver) off by asking for her fucking Bland Doll. Bland Driver admonishes her daughter, eyes screaming that a future beating is likely. Nicholas Cage is freaked out by Creepy Little Kid #1, and leaps back in shock. That wasn't in his script. He has to improvise quickly to save the film, and throws the Bland Doll in the backseat. Nicholas Cage lets Creepy Little Kid #1 know that a Serial Killer has now just crossed the border in the time it took him to put the Bland Doll back in the box.

When Creepy Little Kid #1 says Con Air sucked, Nicholas Cage has to walk away and compose himself.

As he's doing this, a Transformer eighteen wheeler malfunctions and smashes into the Bland Car. There's fire, water, air and dirt. Nicholas Cage stares at the fire, wondering how it works. He tries fighting it by overacting, but it doesn't work. After cursing himself for not taking the TNA Heavyweight Title and using it as a sacrifice to Thor, Nicholas Cage smashes the rear window with his helmet and tries ripping it apart. While he does this, Creepy Little Kid #1 looks at him with utter disdain.

Test Card Girl approves

Nicholas Cage asks for Creepy Little Kid #1 to give him her hand. She doesn't. He repeats it. She shoots him a confused look. He goes to say it again, but the Bland Car explodes. Nicholas Cage is sent flying backwards, and lets out a Wilhelm Scream. It's made better by the fact that Nicholas Cage makes the scream himself, I think. It's likely recieved electronical distortion, but he originated it. Which is hilarious.

But to be fair, I'm not sure he's so broken up that Creepy Little Kid #1 is dead. It's clearly a warning that Nicholas Cage shouldn't get involved in family dynamics which only involve women. Which... oh, wait - sorry. Spoilers. I'll shut up now.

The title appears over black.

Nicholas Cage takes some anti-depressants. He sips a milkshake. Western plays on the TV. Grown men are beating a horse. Femme Cop hits the window. Nicholas Cage pulls himself up. Femme Cop tries to flirt, but Nicholas Cage isn't feeling it. She's giving him come hither eyes, and he's staring at her blankly like he's trying to remember her name. Shaking her head, she hands him post. He throws it to the ground like he was an abusive parent throwing a Bland Doll. Femme Cop doesn't get the giant 'go away' hint, so Nicholas Cage tells her to sit down.

She enquires about his pill habit. He tells her she doesn't have to stay. Femme Cop gives him a baffled look, and says he asked her to sit down. Before it can get violent, Femme Cop asks if Nicholas Cage is defective. He takes umbrage to that. She clarifies that she meant to say detective. He laughs, says in time. Changing tacts, he asks if they found the bodies.

It turns out the car wasn't even registered. And before he asks, no - they haven't found En Fuego, the serial killer Nicholas Cage was tailing before the incident.

Later on, Nicholas Cage is practicing origami. He uncrumples an orgigami swan, and reads a letter from an ex-flame. It's passive aggressive nonsense involving a drunken fling in Las Vegas, a maximum security facility, John Travolta and Elvis impersonators. Basic gist is that Ms. Flame needs Nicholas Cage's help in tracking down her daughter, Row-Boat. Row-Boat went missing at the mall two weeks earlier, and Ms. Flame wrote to Nicholas Cage as soon as she could -- noting that the letter would reach him three weeks later, making it five weeks that Row-Boat was missing.

She also reveals she lives on a mysterious Island.

He uses TEH INTERNETZ to try and track down the Island. There's a health-food company acting as an obvious front. It's called Health Food Metropolis. That's such an easy anagram that I won't post my findings here, except to say it spoils the entire film once you've cracked it.

The ringing phone interupts his work on TEH INTERNETZ. It's a crank call, likely from En Fuego. Nicholas Cage notes that for later.

END OF PART ONE

101: "Lost 508: Namaste"

2010-08-22T16:40:00.000+01:00

Hey guys.

I'm gonna start posting my video reviews here. The first batch aren't fantastic quality wise, but they're loosely in a sequential order. Spoilers and foul language abounds, as does my chiseled face. Plan is to post one every three days, as per the suggestion of a fellow Zoner. Just... well, I apologise for the sound. It's shit. Not much I can do about that, sadly!

Anyway, here ya go!

Schedule - 23rd August to 29th August (Revised)

2010-08-22T11:49:00.000+01:00

Monday - Wicker Man (2006), Part One
Wednesday - Trapped In The Closet, Part Four
Friday - Ecco The Dolphin, Stage One

Finished Wicker Man recap early, so that's going up tomorrow.

Reboot This - Saved By The Bell

2010-08-19T16:17:00.003+01:00

Now this is a reboot I'd pay to see...

The basic plot is that Tori goes back in time to kill Kelly, having seen the destruction of her people at the hands of Zack and Kelly's Great Great Grandchildren. Unfortunately, this creates a new timeline... and it's up to a rag-tag bunch of High School students to band together earlier than expected, and stop their world from being destroyed.

Aaron Johnson is Screech
(The brains of the team. Considered mentally disabled by his friends, but able to create a robot and breed insects like a pro, Loves Lisa because she's vapid.)
Freddy Rodriguez is A.C Slater
(The jock. He's loosely Mexican. Takes part in every sport. Has a keen eye on Jessie, which some have misconstrued as homosexuality. It's not helped by his antagonistic love-hate relationship with Zack.)
Zoe Saldana is Lisa
(While she may be vapid, she can also speak two languages and provide a comely distraction. Thinks Screech is a cockroach.)
Brigitte Nielsen is Jessie
(Tall feminist. Former coffee-pill addict. Needs a purpose and a goal. Been called a 'shrill bitch' and a 'showgirl.' The latter got a man in Reno killed.)
Lea Michelle is Kelly
(Underage and undercover police officer. Nickname is Fastlane. She's slept with everyone in the school, except Zack. Traded sexual favours with Mr. Belding for a passing grade. Is in the school to deal with Tori, a time-travelling woman scorned.)
Christopher Walken is Mr. Belding
(Likes ice-cream, rules, and randomly dancing. Hates students, but must protect them from Tori.)

With:
Betty White as Tori
(Sex starved and evil. Will destroy the world to stop Zack and Kelly hooking up.)
and:
Ben Affleck as Zack Morris
(Charmer. Cad. Just wants to get laid, get paid, and manipulate people into idiotic schemes.)

Schedule - 23rd August to 29th August

2010-08-18T21:04:00.001+01:00

Monday - Trapped In The Closet, Part Four
Wednesday - Ecco The Dolphin, Stage One
Friday - Wicker Man (Remake)

Oh joy of joys...

The Genius of WCW 101: "THE YETTAY!"

2010-08-17T12:13:00.001+01:00

I miss World Championship Wrestling. When it was good, it was awesome. But when it was bad... it was magnificient.

R Kelly: Trapped In The Closet, Part Three (Recap)

2010-08-16T19:05:00.000+01:00

Previously on Trapped In The Closet

The manly man has joined our cast of misfits. He enters the room properly with her man.

Here we are. The four of us...
In total shock... Me and her.
I closed my mouth and swallowed spit,
And I'm thinking to myself,
"This is some deep shit!"

The man stood in their room holding the beretta asks her man if manly man is the one he's been talking to. Her man says, the man stood in their room holding the beretta says no, to which her man says yes, but the man stood in the room holding the beretta says no, only for her man to say that it's the truth.

Completely rattled by temporal paradoxes and manly men, the man stood in their room holding the beretta wants no part of this shit. He's outie, or would be except the woman in pink wants them to try and fix this problem and... concurrently... the rift in space and time it represents. But the man stood in the room with the beretta is late, and he ain't got a damn thing to do with this.

The woman in pink teases him with the mystery of how it all began. Seeing where this is going, the man stood in their room holding the beretta says they have three minutes.

And then it gets real quiet.

The man stood in their room wants someone to start talking. He doesn't care if it's the woman in pink, her man, or the manly man. The woman in pink has one question for Rufus, who I'm guessing is her man. She wants to know he could hurt her so. Her man replies with:

He looked at her and said,
"Bitch please, you've got your nerves
With all your club hoppin',
Lyin' when you said you was shoppin'.
And now here you are in our home
And you're callin' me wrong."

Chagrined and ashamed, she admits he's busted her. The woman in pink sits on the bed, and says that while she cheated it's a little extreme having her man play the wounded part given how she was his beard while he played 'two and a half men' with the manly man.

Her man fires back that she slept behind his back. The woman in pink retorts that his 'she' is a 'he.' Her man says she can't judge him for his sins. The woman in pink man snaps, and says it's crazy. The man stood in their room holding the beretta tells them to stop arguing. He doesn't want to hear them chew each other out, and rhymes this with out, proving his lyrical genius.

His point of view gets through to them, it's been a stressful day for him. Temporal paradoxes, crazy shortie, a wounded man and his manly man. They're interupted by the manly man.

He wants to explain what's going on, in song. His name is Chuck, and he's known her man for nearly a year. The manly man says creeping around with her man has been a living Hell. He starts discussing the cost of hotel rooms, when he's cut off by the man standing in their room holding a beretta. The man standing in their room holding the beretta aims the beretta at the manly man, and says spare him the details.

Her man breaks this up, gently touching the manly man's chest and begging him not to say nutting else.

The woman in pink calls her man a son of a bitch. Her man retorts that Cathy can go to Hell. The man holding the beretta is confused. He likes the Cathy comic-strip, and at any rate is confused. The woman in pink told him her name was Mary. He rubs his head with his beretta, and says he's gonna shoot somebody because he's scared.

He waves his beretta around like it was an apple.

Her man begins to scream, saying it's all Cathy's fault. Before the man stood in their room holding a beretta can defend the honour of his favourite comic-strip, the woman in pink throws a pillow at her man. She says he was creeping too and can't take that he got caught. When the manly man says he's in love with her man, she replies:

Love my ass

The manly man doesn't have the heart to tell her that homosexuality doesn't tend to work that way, even if he thinks her lingerie is divine. Her man says he's gonna marry the manly man, prompting the man stood in their room holding the beretta to unleash his rage over the slighting of the Cathy comic-strip by firing his beretta in the air.

I said, "Not annother one of you
Sons of bitches say a word!
Cuz all this shit I'm goin
Thru is unheard!"

The man stood in their room holding a beretta produces a mobile phone. He dials a number, and says that this is all so wrong. He calls his home, and a man picks up the phone... phone... phone

Prison Break (PS2) Video Review

2010-08-15T23:34:00.001+01:00

Not my best piece, but a decent starter for my review style. I apologise for the lack of video footage of the game. Editing is not my strong point!

Summerslam 2010 - The Card

2010-08-15T12:35:00.001+01:00

Card copied from Official Wrestlecrap Forum

Hey guys.

Yep, I'm a fan of wrestling. CHIKARA posts probably gave it away. I won't update that and WWE every day, but there are sometimes discussion points that I feel are relevant.

At any rate, Summerslam 2010 airs in America tonight.

I'll be doing some minor feedback on it tomorrow. Not a full-blown recap, just a quick summary of matches. With that said, let's get down to the card in question.

WWE Championship Match:

Sheamus (c) vs. Randy Orton

World Heavyweight Championship Match:

Kane (c) vs. Rey Mysterio

7 on 7 Match:

The Nexus vs. John Cena, John Morrison, R-Truth, Edge, Chris Jericho, Bret Hart, and TBA

Intercontinental Championship Match

Dolph Ziggler (c) vs. Kofi Kingston

3 on 1 Handicap Match:
The Straight Edge Society (C.M. Punk, Luke Gallows, and Joey Mercury) vs. The Big Show

WWE Divas Championship:

Alicia Fox (c) vs. Melina

I hope that Sheamus retains the title to fuel a long reign that gives the WWE Championship a big-time feel. The idea of him barely holding it till Wrestlemania, and then losing it to a freshly turned Miz, is an intriguing one. It also frees Orton up to join Team WWE vs. Nexus, which is a feud that Orton would do rather well in. No-one on Team WWE gets along brilliantly with anyone else, so throwing a loose-cannon like Orton into the mix would provide intrigue.

R Kelly: Trapped In The Closet, Part Two (Recap)

2010-08-14T12:00:00.000+01:00

Previously on "Trapped In The Closet"

We pick up where Part One ended. The man in the closet (formerly the man in the bed) has just been confronted by the boyfriend of the woman in pink. He holds her man at gunpoint with a beretta. It's a tense scene. Her man backs up, as does the woman in pink. The man in the closet is now the man stood in their room holding a beretta.

The shit has gotten real.

Well, now he's staring at me like
As if he were staring in the mirror

The woman in pink tries to explain the situation to her man. He tells her not to speak, because he can clearly see what's going on. Her man feels betrayed. But he's told not to speak, as the man stood in their room holding a beretta wants them to hold on and let him begin his solo number.

He tells her man that they can work this out. The woman in pink tells her man not to lose control.

The man stood in their room holding a beretta demands that the woman in pink calm her man down. Sadly, this prompts her man to say he should have known. He starts getting angry. And he expresses his anger through the medium of song.

He said ho I should’ve known
That you would go and do
Some bogus shit up in my house
But the Christian in me gave you
The benefit of the doubt

The man stood in their room holding a beretta remembers his improv training with The Groundlings, and tries to get everyone to resolve their conflict through mad-libs. Sadly, her man steps forward. That prompts a whoa from the man stood in their room holding a beretta. He reveals there's a reason he took the place of the man who used to be inside the closet via a temporal paradox.

He explains that he met the shortie at the club, and she didn't have no man. Her man flips, starts saying he'd kill the man stood in their room with the beretta if he wasn't holding the beretta. This irks the man stood in their room with the beretta, the shortie chose him. Surely he cannot be held accountable for her crimes, especially after the time-travel anomaly he's just experienced. Her man snaps once more.

He said “don’t give me that mack shit please”

Her man's phone rings. Things are about to get more interesting... which is amazing given how fantastically layered and deep the situation already is. Well, he's right. It turns out her man was a pastor. This impresses the man stood in the room with the beretta - he's starting to dig on the conflict taking an improvised feel. Everyone is selling their characters perfectly. Sadly...

And I started to put the gun down
Until I saw his face still had a frown

The moment has gone. The woman in pink apologises to her man, who pushes her onto the bed and threatens to send her to the moon. While they argue, the man stood in their room with the beretta goes to leave. But her man stops him. He wants the man stood in their room with the beretta to see this. The man stood in their room with the beretta respectfully disagrees, he's gotta get up out this bitch.

Her man mentions something about a secret up in his head, which confuses the man stood in their room with a beretta. He's not sure why her man has started deviating into improvisation. Her man ignores him, takes his phone and calls up someone.

“Hello” (hello?)
“Baby?” (aha)
“Turn the car around” (what’s going on over there?)
“Listen, I just need for you to get right back here now”
He looks at me and says “well since we’re all coming out the closet
I'm not about to be the only one that’s broken-hearted”
She said “what do you mean?”
He said “just wait and see”

The man stood in their room with the beretta demands that someone talks to him. Her man finds his phone is ringing again. He answers, and it's a woman. Her man goes to buzz her up, asks that she takes the stairs. The man stood in their room with the beretta asks who the mystery lady is, using his super hearing to deduce the gender of the caller. Her man replies with:

“in time you both will know the shocking truth"

Her man tells his woman up back up outta his shit. He's got confess. The man stood in their room holding a beretta says he's gonna shoot two negros if he don't fess up. Her man says he can hear the woman coming up the stairs, everyone better back up.

I said “I'm gonna count to 4”
“1…”
he says “mister wait!”
“2…”
he says “please don’t shoot”
“3…”
"he says “don’t shoot me”
“4…”

The woman in pink screams. There's a knock on the door. The man stood in their room holding a beretta is holding a beretta in his hand. Her man opens the door, to reveal...

A MAN!

CHIKARA: Rudo Resurrection Trailer

2010-08-13T16:28:00.002+01:00

I'm very slowly getting into watching CHIKARA. It looks like a throw-back to when wrestling was fun. There's also the bonus of it being computer game and comic-book inspired, which means some absolutely brilliant nostalgic shout-outs.

And now there's going to be an actual computer game? Epic win!

It'll be refreshing to see something aim for a balance between the cartoony nonsense of Smackdown vs. Raw and the harder hitting Japanese style wrestling games.

R Kelly: Trapped In The Closet, Part One (Recap)

2010-08-12T16:31:00.002+01:00

We open on a city. Could be any city. But for those keeping score, it looks like New York. And it's night in the Big Apple. The images are picturesque. We are, as the title goes, trapped in the closest of a sprawling metropolis.

Suddenly, night turns to day. Glorious day. Clearly magic is at play.

We're now in a room. Music is playing. R Kelly music. People lie in bed. It could be a man, or a woman, or possibly both. That's not important, because we have to move over to the closet. It's a clever thematic construct. We were already trapped in the closet of a sprawling metropolis, but now we're trapped in a closet within a closet.

There's a man inside the closet. He starts to sing. We discover that it's seven in the morning. The man in the bed wakes. Clearly he's split himself into two people, because the man in the closet is singing as if he's the man in the bed.

We discover that the man in the closest who may be the man in the bed has just woken up in a bed that doesn't belong to him... despite being in the closet. There's a paradox at play. Into the room walks a woman wearing white lingerie. She says good morning to the man in the bed who may also be the man in the closet. They kiss. It's hot.

They part. The man in the bed has a dumb look on his face, as we learn from the man in the closet. He's worried about what he's just done, the subtext all too clear. We learn that he lost track of time, is stupid, and fears the sun. There was a club, and then he wound up here. The audience fills in the gaps.

He didn't plan to stay long, but he did. The man in the bed puts on his clothes to leave while the man in the closet sings about the man in the bed putting on his clothes and trying to leave. He searches for his car keys to split.

The woman in white cuts him off, says he can't go that way. Man who was once in the bed but is now dressed looks at her like she's crazy. He tells her to move out his way, he's got a wife at home.

Please don't go out there
Lady, I got to get home.

She silences him by saying someone is coming up the stairs. He's gotta get in the closet. If he makes a sound, some shit is going down. He wants to go out the window, but she reminds him that they are on the fifth floor. He says shit, she says quick, so he says shit, and she says quick, and then he says shit and she says quick, then he says shit... just put me in the closet.

Now he's in a darkened closet.

Her man walks in and says he's home.

Now there's two men in the closet
A paradox is in play.
But one of them has ceased to exist
So everything's okay.

Her man says he's missed her so, and begins to lay down the groove. This girl is good and deserves an Oscar. Both of them start to get freaky, while the man in the closet looks on. He's in the closet, all what the fuck is going on?

Next thing you know a call comes through, on his mobile phone. The shit then hits the fan. Her man starts to suss, says there's a mystery going on up in his bitch. He enters the bathroom, looks behind the door, ignores the woman in white (actually pink, lighting is symbolic) begging him to come back to her.

Bitch, say no more.

Her man pulls back the shower curtain, goes back to the room. The man in the closet who was once the man in the bed who the man in the closet was singing about before he ceased to exist because there can't be two men in the closet begins to sweat like Hell.

So her man looks at the closet, but the man in the closet pulls a beretta.

He walks up to the closet

He comes up to the closet
Now he’s at the closet
Damn he’s opening the closet…

TO BE CONTINUED

Friends and the Outbreak Virus

2010-08-12T11:42:00.000+01:00

This is why I hate Friends. They take a monkey to an actual hospital, and play it as heartwarming. That fucker probably has every disease known to mankind. I'd wager fifty patients contracted some form of the Outbreak virus. But it's okay, because Ross's monkey got treated...

Count the many things wrong with this picture... I gave up at thirty-seven.

CSI: Fur & Loathing

2010-08-11T00:01:00.000+01:00

I've been watching CSI for the past few weeks. Well, I say CSI. Really, I mean the three CSI shows... House... and NCIS. They tend to repeat them a lot on British TV. Didn't really mention it much via this blog, because most episodes are silly and inconsequential. But then this episode pops up, the fabled 'Furries' episode -- and I have to review it.

Why?

Because CSI makes a mess of normal stuff. Their logic is not our Earth logic. So when you introduce things like video games and weird fetish fuel into the mix, you are just asking for some of the most fantastically awful TV imaginable.

Because they clearly have never met anyone who participates in Furry sexual practices. Not that I have either, it's just that if I was going to write an episode focused on it I might actually do some research beyond wikipedia. It'd save my writing coming across as an absolute joke.

Just look at this image.

And this episode is fantastically awful.

"What's the matter, feeling horse? Answer the fucking question!"

That's William Peterson, star of the best Hannibal film (Manhunter), having to interact with someone who has a fetish for a horse costume. And it's clearly being played as the CSI team being so much better than the 'Furries' they're dealing with. Which is rather amusing, given how Gil looks like he has an involuntary orgasm everytime anyone enquires into his insect collection.

"You me, candles, waterbed, ladybugs. How about it?"

I guess that part of the problem is that they're exploring the fringes of the 'Furries' collective. Not that I'd want to see the fur fly necessarily, it just seems like they ran out of stories about 'normal' people, and wanted to attack the geeks again.

Procedural shows do this a lot.

When I say geeks, I mean the entire spectrum of people who are 'weird' and vaguely unsociable. CSI & Law and Order style shows just doesn't understand anyone who doesn't work nine to five. If you don't wear a suit and aren't in law enforcement, they hate you with a vengeance. It's why so many suspects turn out to be anyone who has fun in a way that Gil and co don't understand.

And that's pretty much everyone.

It, arguably, gets worse when the team spend brief moments discussing the merits of 'Furry' sex. It's akin to a child watching the entire Star Wars saga, then being asked to write - in crayon - exactly what he saw and when he saw it. He has no context for what he's doing, so he's going to come out with some absolute gibberish that doesn't hold together at all.

"That's not true... that's impossible."

I think the highlight of the episode is when they show part of the 'YIFF' orgy. Because they've hired from the same extras agency as Stanley Kubrick did for Eyes Wide Shut. In short, they hire people who look confused about what they're doing. Sadly, CSI doesn't show them having fantastically bucknaked bad sex like Kubrick did. We just see a bunch of people in costumes rubbing each other off.

"I like you... you like me... let's commit a social felony...!"

At this stage, I think I've summed up the episode as well as I possibly can. Recapping it doesn't do it justice, you have to see it to believe it. I was looking for a trailer, but couldn't find one. So I'll leave you with one final image from the episode.

"Get offa me. RAPE!""
"This is Las Vegas. We don't rape our suspects in custody. We just beat them!"

CHIKARA: utter genius!

2010-08-10T17:27:00.001+01:00

Yes, I watch wrestling. And this is me testing out my Youtube capabilities. That said - this video is pure fried gold!

And if you like this video... well. Buy the Best Of!

Saw II: Computer Game

2010-08-07T16:32:00.000+01:00

I think Jigsaw wants to play another game... rest assured, I will play this. The first one was so bad I gave up after ten minutes. Hopefully this one manages to be more playable, and yet feature far worse enemies and horrors. I'll keep you posted.

Troy

2010-08-07T00:59:00.000+01:00

Caught the tail end of this film on TV.

I think Troy is brilliant because the actors are in different films. And no-one is acting with anyone else. Orlando is in a tragic love story, Brian Cox is with the Royal Shakespeare Company, Eric Bana is making an action film, Sean Bean is working on a gripping social yarn. Diane Kruger is modelling, Saffron Burrows wants an Oscar winning goodbye, Peter O'Toole isn't quite sure where he is but he loves these boys they said were his sons, Rose Byrne didn't read her character sheet, the guy playing Menalaus is really angry with someone but he isn't sure who yet... and Brad Pitt is 'heavily medicated.'

It's hilariously silly nonsense, but fun. Far better than I recall, given I said I hated it earlier this week. How can you hate a film where Brian Cox displays cannibal qualities by not just eating the scenery, but trying to eat the extras so he can achieve new levels of overacting?

(Credit to my brother for the last couple. Peter O'Toole part is the funniest thing I've heard this year.)

Smallville - Casting for 10.2 "Shield" (Spoilers)

2010-08-06T14:19:00.004+01:00

Hawkgirl and Deadshot cast!

Thanks to KryptonSite news has emerged of two major DC characters cast for the second episode of Smallville Season Ten. Keeping in line with the recent rise of the DC universe within the content of the show, we get a hero and a villain in this episode that should add a burst of excitement and adrenaline.

Should be terrific to see Hawkgirl and Deadshot on the show. Particularly the former, who should enable Michael Shanks to do some terrific reacting as Hawkman.

New Title for Batman: Arkham Asylum sequel

2010-08-05T14:50:00.000+01:00

Title for Batman: Arkham Asylum sequel

Have to say, that has me positively giddy. Batman: Arkham City suggests a far wider focus for the computer game, which is fantastic. In fact, it addresses the only complaint I had about the original game. Click the DC Universe Blog link above for more details.

I Won't Be There For Friends

2010-08-05T11:21:00.000+01:00

Not a huge rant today.

I've taken up writing for TV Overmind recently, doing their Mad Men recaps. Such writing tends to be done while having the TV on in the background. And this, invariably, involves either Friends, CSI or House playing. Friends tends to be on early mornings, so I bung it on because...

Well, because I'm a masochist.

The popularity of this show bewilders me. I mean... I do understand that fundamentally all sitcoms are about relatable people doing relatable things. It's just that Friends doesn't seem relatable at all. And while all sitcoms have a degree of fantasy (very few people date that much, and then complain they aren't dating enough), it lacks the sense of realism required to believe in the context.

What sitcoms do I like?

Well, Frasier is at the top of the list. Just as fantastical as Friends, but with far better actors. I think the key difference between them is that Frasier feels like it rewards the viewer with complex plotting and well-delivered quips. Friends, even in the early days (which are what they're showing), just feels fake and very Hollywood. There's also a lack of drama off the cuff -- in Frasier, the show opens with him and his father on rough ground. So we get a slow-build throughout the show of their differences which provides a logical conflict, and it lasts right up until the last episode.

That bit of drama gives it something that Friends, for my money, never has. Not that you always need it - good jokes can save a show. I'm still waiting for Friends to give me any of those.

Damn you, Skittles

2010-08-04T14:03:00.006+01:00

"Y'all know me. Know how I earn a livin'. I'll catch this bird for you, but it ain't gonna be easy. Bad fish. Not like going down the pond chasin' bluegills and tommycods. This shark, swallow you whole. Little shakin', little tenderizin', an' down you go. And we gotta do it quick, that'll bring back your tourists, put all your businesses on a payin' basis. But it's not gonna be pleasant. I value my neck a lot more than three thousand bucks, chief. I'll find him for three, but I'll catch him, and kill him, for ten. But you've gotta make up your minds. If you want to stay alive, then ante up. If you want to play it cheap, be on welfare the whole winter. I don't want no volunteers, I don't want no mates, there's just too many captains on this island. Ten thousand dollars for me by myself. For that you get the head, the tail, the whole damn thing."

It's amazing how a quote from Jaws (1975, Spielberg) can apply to evil computer game characters who'd eat your soul and sweep your leg.

Fatal Deviation

2010-08-02T11:16:00.000+01:00

Fatal Deviation is a martial arts film set in Ireland.

I will now give you a brief chance to take in that opening sentence, realise what you're in for, and allow you the opportunity to walk away. Because that, my friends, is as good as this gets... and it ain't never gonna get that good again. Ya dig?

Okay, if you're still here, you want my opinion of this flick.

Sadly, the honest to God truth is that you have to watch this film to truly understand the sheer insanity and jaw-dropping incredulity that is prevalent within the images. Nothing I can say, could say, or have the potential to one day say, can sum up this film. The opening sentence doesn't even sum the film up, because - for a fair few of you, I'd wager - it conjures up the image of a magical film set in the Emerald Isles, a warm hearted tale of Irish men being Irish and Irish women being vaguely Scottish.

But the film is nothing like that.

It's funny, I'll give it that. Not intentionally, granted. Like the best works of Uwe Boll, this infrequently becomes so crazy bad that you end laughing. This isn't inherently a bad thing, as my belief in cinema is that ANY reaction is a good thing. It's when you don't care that problems ensue. It doesn't mean the films in question are 'good', but cinema as a medium is designed to ellicit an emotional response of some kind.

The only snag is that said emotion here is of little consolation.

At points you feel bad for laughing at the film. It's clearly not striving for art, rather to be something diverting to watch on a Saturday evening with some mates. Only snag with that logic is that this film is so amateurishly made that my pathetic student films look coherent in comparison. Now that is a tad cruel, given the advent of digital cameras in the last twelve years, but still - the compositions here are dreadful, and so many rookie mistakes have been made that I'm not sure it was edited so much as spat out.

What rookie mistakes are there?

For starters, they have a scene set at a fairground. Horror music plays, the sort you'd find in a film version of a low-rent Stephen King novel. The camera begins to take on an odd filter, and shake randomly -- giving a horror film vibe, something out of Cloverfield. Only this is meant to be a martial-arts film. So you stare at the screen, trying to figure out why someone is doing an excellent job using horror film tropes when the film they're making is in a completely different genre.

Course, this technically is misguided genius rather than genuinely bad direction.

The bad direction comes from general issues with lighting, the way the actors deliver their lines, bad use of 'eye-line' matches and poor blocking of scenes. It gets to the extent where the film feels like it was made by students, except students usually get some introduction into how to avoid the standard mistakes of student filmmaking. Granted they don't usually listen, but then they make short-films that are then critiqued and learn from their mistakes.

Here, it's a full-length film. And it seems like no-one ever sat down and thought through the various mistakes that were being made. You'd expect, in the editing stage, people to stop and think through what they were watching, perhaps even reshoot parts of it. It doesn't appear to be the case, if this is the best that they could do then it speaks volumes for the Irish film industry.

And then we head to the main nature of the story. I watched it a few weeks ago, so this is hopefully accurate, but...

It concerns an Irish man named Jimmy who may or may not be related to Johnny Cage, who as we all know is from the MK-verse. Anyway, Jimmy wants to avenge the death of his father - said father having been killed with a Hattori Hanzo sword. This sends Jimmy on a roaring rampage of revenge - and sees him hook up with Bonnie Irish Lass, a woman who is involved with Angry Guinness Man, who is the son of Stilted Irish Kingpin. So after Jimmy saves Bonnie Irish Lass from the Two Alcoholics at a supermarket, he irks Angry Guiness Man and Stilted Irish Kingpin, who don't want Jimmy to interfere with their epic martial-arts tournament that they hope to rig. The only snag is that they let a Fat American and a Dyke-O-Saurus-Rexi join the tournament. Things escalate until Jimmy declares war on the Irish Mafia. Stilted Irish Kingpin sends Irish Segal to take down Jimmy. But Jimmy manages to win the tournament, and a chase on quad-bikes ensues. There's a car crash, a fight at a castle, and then everyone save Jimmy and Bonnie Irish Lass is dead. They live happily ever after, and have much mechanical Irish sex.

That's the gist of the film.

It sounds fantastic, but mostly just feels really dull. While me and my mates did laugh at it (you can't NOT laugh at an Irish martial-arts film), it's just amateurish. So while you do get satisfaction from it in a Grindhouse kinda way, it's still not as funny as it should be. Most of the time the funniest films are ones that the crew take seriously, but here it just felt like a few more knowing performances would've helped.

Sadly, they didn't contact Christopher Walken.

I'd say this film is worth watching, but only once. And it's probably best enjoyed with alcohol. Lots of alcohol.

At any rate, I am Zeddemore. And I'm a fatal deviant.

Gigli

2010-07-31T09:30:00.003+01:00

My name is Zeddemore. I'm a masochist. By that, I mean I watch terrible films for no pay whatsoever solely to amuse strangers online. While I have made TWO DOLLARS in advertising from video reviews, this doesn't come close to me breaking even in terms of money spent on equipment. Let alone salvaging the cost of terrible films I purchase. Also, I don't drink. So I watch this vile garbage sober. I hope that fills you into my mindset... because right now I'm launching into my first review.

Gigli.

And oh boy, this is quite possibly the longest and worst thing in the history of the cinematic medium. I thought Alone In Ze Dark was bad, but this... it's so much worse than the reviews would have you think. So bad that it makes me question Roger Ebert's sanity, considering he didn't it negative five billion stars.

For those of you who don't know, the films plot can be summarised thusly.

Ben Affleck plays an idiotic and impotent hitman who is tasked with taking a mentally damaged youth (the ham and cheese kid from National Treasure) and holding him ransom. Sadly, Ben Affleck fucks this up and they send a beautiful sexy gorgeous hearthrob-o-rama fucking smart amazing bombshell seventeen on a fucking ten scale girl who also happens to an untouchable, unhaveable, unattainable brick wall fucking dike-a-saurus rexi. He, naturally, converts her from being a dike-a-saurus rexi into being straight. Because in Hollywood, Bisexuality DOES NOT EXIST. You're either a bull or a cow, damnit... and if you're a cow who likes other cows - Ben Affleck will come to your house and he will make you a cow who likes bulls. Because he's Ben FUCKING Affleck, and he was the bomb in Phantoms, yo!

The colourful description of Jennifer Lopez's character, and the cow and bull references, are both from this film. Clearly this is the dawn of a new age of cinematic dialogue. Forget Tarantino style deconstructions or Coens brother style subversion of genre. No, we can see Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez meet cute while Christopher Walken rants about tonguing his brain out while trying to reach ice-cream.

Clearly, this films has problems.

The rumour online is that it was a serious mobster film (yes, that film would also have starred Ben Affleck) that was derailed when execs thought they could capitalise on the chemistry of Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck. Putting aside the fact that their is no chemistry whatsoever in this film between the two of them, it makes a degree of sense. Al Pacino and Christopher Walken have cameos here that are clearly setting up plot-threads that don't go anywhere. At least, Walken is. Pacino sort of shows up, hams it up, and acts like he's just hopped off of a plane and been privy to Jennifer Lopez's ass. One 'and she had a GRRRRRRRREAT ASSSSSSSSSSS' later, he was ready to nail the scene.

By nail, I mean hammer the nails into the coffin of a film that doesn't die. It lies in the coffin, screaming, but won't give in. Which is painful to watch, ableit somewhat darkly amusing in an odd way. It clearly isn't good, and Justin Bartha is an absolutely horrible actor, but the many ways that they sent insult men... women... the mentally challenged... ice-cream manufacturers... lesbians... farm-bred animals... Australians... Italian-Americans... supporters of Daredevil... is just mind-blowing. It's like they have a 'fuck you' checklist of every group that ever existed and very slowly went through said list one by one.

Amazingly, it doesn't extend to African-Americans. Course, in this film there aren't any African-Amercians. This is a world in which a Latino woman can rise up through the Italian mob, but African-Americans don't exist. I like to call it Earth-55... the racist Earth where the Nazis won World War II but were stopped from conquering all of the world by the brave residents of Mexico. Thankful for Mexico stepping up, Italians allowed Mexicans to join their Mob syndicate and the greatest crime syndicate of all time was formed.

And you don't fuck with a MexItalian.

With that being said, how do I judge this film? Do I throw anger at the studio for changing it to a romantic comedy, or do I throw anger at everyone involved for this film existing? It's clearly been manipulated in some way, but at the same time it's not like the hints of the other film are that good. Pacino and Walken are funny and they ham it up, but neither one is really bringing their A-Game. They realised what a piece of crap this was, as did Ben Affleck during the endless Pacino scene where he looks absolutely disgusted at how terrible the film is.

There's no real hints of promise here. And I have to review what I watch, not the back catalogue of Martin Brest. He may have made good films in the past, but when you make an abomination sometimes it doesn't always turn out Tim Roth. Sometimes it's just terrible.

I'm Zeddemore, and I watched this so you didn't have to.