Zeek's Jibber Jabber

Chelsea 1-0 Murderers

2007-04-26T07:05:00.000Z

Burglary rates soared in the Capital last night, as the thieving Giro-wielders entered town for the first leg of the Champions League semi final.

They use their pathetic squeaky voices to break windows, then enter, and remove your stuff. Beware.

We should have had 3 in the first half, but Joey Cole put us ahead after superb work from Drogba. Their only chance came from a dipping "Stevie-G" shot, which Big Pete got down well to save.

So now we can count ourselves lucky, that we get to participate in "one of those glorious Anfield European nights". Yawn. If we score one, the thieves need three. The objective last night was not to concede an away goal, and we achieved that.

The difference between tonight and 05, is that this time, the Bin Dippers will actually have to get the ball to cross the line to win...

Blown it

2007-04-23T07:13:00.000Z

Yesterday, beating a shitty Newcastle side, would have put us a single point behind the Mancs. Demolishing the gap from 12 points down to 1, would have been enough to see them fall apart, but after their draw against Boro on Saturday, our failure to capitalise will give them renewed energy to go on and win the title.

If we had been just the point behind, or even 2, had the ref not bottled it and awarded Boro the blatant penalty in the final minute in Manchester, we'd still be able to go ahead if we beat them at our place on May 9th, but even doing that won't be enough due to goal difference, unless other results go our way.

They slipped up, we couldn't score against a shower of shit. It isn't our year for the title, and we don't really deserve it if we can't beat a bunch of no-hopers managed by Roeder...

Jose Mouri-No Go

2007-04-20T18:26:00.000Z

So the club have finally come out and publicly stated they will not be sacking the best manager in the world. The reason they didn't release a statement before, is because only a fucking idiot would imagine they would do so, which means every sports hack out there in the UK rag trade, is a fucking idiot. Stands to reason.

For two years, every day, one or more of the pathetic excuses for journalism in this country have carried some diatribe about the club sacking the manager and replacing him with anyone from Bob the Builder, Mary Poppins, Po from Teletubbies or Wayne Rooney. Obviously, over the last few years, the level of imagination required to make this shit up, has been reduced to rock-bottom levels.

According to them, Roman Abramovich doesn't really like Jose, so he'll sack him. This is the same Roman Abramovich who has made billions in business, presumably by being fairly intelligent, and not making decisions based on who he wants to have around for dinner at the weekend.

He wants to build the biggest, most successful football club in the World. To do this, he needs the best people to do it. That includes the best manager. He admits he isn't able to do this personally, so employs Peter Kenyon to do it for him. Peter Kenyon is a brand man, and the biggest brand in football right now, is Jose Mourinho. Peter Kenyon would be off his rocker to sack Jose, managerial ability aside, and any hack who thinks they would, to replace him with Mark Hughes or Jurgen Fucking Klinsmann needs to increase their daily dosage.

So will this announcement stop the aforementioned fucking idiots coming out on tomorrows back pages with 'Jose is being sacked' stories? Absolutely not, you could bet your house on the fact someone will still write it tomorrow, simply because they have been making it up for the last two years, and why would they change now. Besides, they'd have to write about something else, and that itself poses a serious problem for most of them.

Battered Spam

2007-04-19T07:43:00.000Z

A "tricky" trip to Upton Park last night to take on the Wet Spam resulted in a battering. 4-1 final score with rare Shaun Wright-Phillips performance, resulting in a great double from him.

A great performance in the middle of a tough period of games, coming every few days.

We're going to Wembley!

2007-04-16T08:17:00.000Z

We did it! The biggest prize in football this season, for fans. A trip to the first FA Cup Final at the new Wembley stadium.

Make no mistake, we really wanted this. We were at the last FA Cup Final at the old Wembley, and we wanted to be at the first in the new one.

So we've set up yet another meeting with the Mancs that week.

We slaughtered Blackburn at Old Trafford in the first half yesterday, but they controlled the second half, and should have scored more than their equaliser. As it was, we took it to them in extra time, and our knackered players took us to Wembley with ten minutes remaining.

At least the Blackburn fans didn't have far to go. They'd have been home by the time we were getting out of the car parks, with a 250 mile journey in front of us, on a Sunday evening, back into London. Thanks FA. Again, the travelling supporter is fucked over so that the neutrals can eat their Sunday lunch, and fall onto the sofa for a bit of FA Cup action afterwards.

Well, it will be the opposite from next season, when northern teams will have to traipse all the way to Wembley to play their semi finals, which in itself is ridiculous, to cheapen the final and the fans' big day out by making them do it a fortnight before. I suppose they have to pay the bill somehow though.

The Bison is Back!

2007-04-11T07:47:00.000Z

Michael Essien has been a monster this season. Drogba has been a goal machine, approaching 30 so far, and still in the eyes of many, Essien will win Chelsea player of the year. Last night away in Valencia will have done his cause no harm!

After a period of injury and doubts over whether he'd be fit enough to appear, he stated that he would play, and play he did! In the final minute of injury time, he collected a square pass from Shevchenko and flew down the right edge of the penalty area like a steam train, firing his shot on the run at the near-post of the superb Canizares, to score the winner and put Valencia out.

This is a very difficult place to go, and they have a fantastic home record, but we like to bust European teams' records, and last night Essien made sure we'd make our third CL semi-final.

The perpetual scumbag, Morientes had put them ahead in the first half, and we looked pretty ropey. They almost scored again a minute later, but Ashley Cole did amazingly well to catch the ball just off the line between his thighs!
Morientes also smashed the ball off the upright a couple of minutes before he scored.

The second half saw a different Chelsea team. We've so often played completely different halves, and this game was no exception. We equalised early on through Shevchenko, and amazingly, this was the first goal Valencia had conceded in this season's competition from open play. The only other goal was a Totti penalty for Roma!

We thought we'd blown it when Canizares pulled off two incredible saves. Both of them were worthy of historic references. You see these sort of saves on those nights when it just doesn't go your way, but then, on those nights, you don't have The Bison to smash your way into the next round!

The perfect French holiday

2007-01-08T16:47:00.000Z

Eight days into the new year, so already, it is time for a break!

Why not arrange a trip to this stunning Loire chateau.

Chateau du Guerinet offers fantastic luxury accommodation, in spectacular surroundings, with a great range of activities available locally. During your stay you could enjoy visiting local vineyards, historic chateaux, flying, hot-air ballooning, cycling, horse riding, or, if you prefer, simply relaxing in the extensive tranquil grounds.

The delightful hosts can even help you plan your wedding or parties, and can offer advice on what to do, where to go and how to get around. A superb level of personal service will make sure that your stay in this romantic French castle will be remembered forever.

2 points

2006-12-19T08:14:00.000Z

Fergie's much discussed 9 point gap, is now two points.

After our poxy display against Arsenal, the gap became 8 points, with a game in hand. This was Newcastle, and another poor show, yet a valuable 3 points. The gap 5 points going into the weekend on 17 games played each.

We travelled to Pity City again, for the lunchtime kick-off against Everton, and the Mancs were against "Curbs" and his new West Ham side in London.

To begin with, we did our best to screw it up, and with 25 mins to go, we were 2-1 down, and Fergie was telling his Mancs that they were getting the title for Christmas. Two wonder-strikes in the final 15 minutes gave us the 3-2 win. Lampard, finally reaching the 77 goal record mark, and Drogba, with another world class turn-and-shoot from 30 yards.

Reo-Coker managed to give West Ham all three points, unexpectedly, and the difference is now two points. Four games over Christmas, and we have virtually the same fixtures , so it will be interesting to see what happens.

Bitter Lehmann

2006-12-12T08:48:00.000Z

Jens Lehmann, the man who wishes he was Hasselhoff, is as bitter as they come. Always whining, always moaning (fits in perfectly at Arsenal) and always appealing for an infringement whenever any opposition player dares to enter his 18 yard area.

Today, the hilarity continues, when he says Arsenal were the better side on Sunday.

I can see where the confusion has arisen though. Most of the action was going on 6 yards behind the marooned wanker, with the goal frame doing three times the amount of work he managed all afternoon.

Lucky, lucky Arsenal

2006-12-11T09:07:00.000Z

Apparently, Chelsea fans are "distasteful", after chanting "Rapist" at Rapist Van Pussy yesterday. I think the girl he raped, would maintain that he was more distasteful than we...

Seldom do we see matches at the Bridge these days where a team comes and gets as much luck as Arsenal did. We hit the woodwork three times, and had at least another 4 shots which would have been scored 9 times out of 10 on any other day.

In the end, it took an Essien wonder strike from 30 yards to keep the point. The introduction of Robben saw the game change, and from then on, we destroyed them. They couldn't deal with threat down their right side, and had we started with the wingers, and not with the diamond, we'd certainly have collected all three points. It is hard to argue with a performance though, which could have yielded 4 or 5 goals on any other day.

I have to say though, I was disappointed. We read every day that Arsenal play "beautiful", "easy on the eye", stunning football, as if played by the football gods themselves. I was expecting a feast, a footballing lesson from the masters. To be shown how it really should be done. Alas - it is all a myth. They played well, in one system, for one season. That was in the past. History. And it isn't coming back any time soon, judging their weekend performance.

So it is 8 points behind the Mancs, with a game in hand, this week against Newcastle. Certainly not unassailable, with well over half a season to go. It will still be them with Fergie's famous "squeaky bum" come the run-in.

The great thing about yesterday though, is that it left every spectator in no uncertain terms as to which team is the mightier. The Gooners celebrated a draw like they had won the European Cup. Every Arsenal supporter knew they were lucky to come and get a point, and that is the reality these days. One team in London.

Three North West days

2006-11-30T08:27:00.000Z

Sunday evening was Manchester United, Wednesday evening was Bolton. Two northern away games in three days.

The press still tried to build the Man Utd match as a title decider, just one third of the way into the season. Nobody in either team, or either set of fans believed that, and of course, with a draw, it remained unchanged at the top.

Man Utd will be more disappointed with the result. They went into half time, the better side, and a goal to the good. If you're at home against the Champions, a goal up, and 3 points ahead, with 45 minutes to play to extend the gap to six, you need to take the chances. The Mancs didn't, and we did. Lord Percy heading home in the second half to earn the draw.

The Reebok Stadium has been a happy place for us over the past few seasons. It's where we first won the league. Bolton stuffed Arsenal this weekend, 3-1, and have been playing very well this season, so after a top of the table clash on Sunday night, this was an awkward fixture. No-one likes to go to Bolton at the best of times.

Ballack and Shevchenko have been subjected to harsh criticism over the last few weeks. Unfairly in my opinion. Anyone criticising Ballack hasn't been coming to games. And to doubt Shevchenko is plain lunacy. He may not have been bagging 4 goals a game yet, but he has been playing well, and without him, Drogba would not have been banging them in constantly, so his contribution is not in doubt.

He was injured at the beginning of the year, and spent months out - returning only for the World Cup, and even that was too early. He moves the ball in ways unimaginable, and manages to perform manoeuvres without blinking on the pitch, which take unfathomable combinations of 7 buttons on a Playstation to master. This guy is class.
Everyones favourite garlic-muncher in North London isn't setting the world alight either, but the talk isn't of his or his teams lack of performance this season, it is of the scandal that he isn't World player of the year!

Ballack scored from a Lampard corner last night, to take all three points, as the Mancs won, Liverpool drew, and Arsenal lost again, this time to Fulham.

Werder great trip...

2006-11-24T09:35:00.000Z

Pleasantly surprised by the trip to Bremen. A very friendly city, with a nice atmosphere, and great fans.

Any result would have put us top of the group, and we could still guarantee progress into the last 16 with a 1-0 loss, on account of the 2-0 win against them at home.

The bonus of losing 1-0 was also that Barca would be in a more difficult position in trying to qualify. They would have to beat Bremen in the final game to progress, whereas a draw would be enough for Bremen.

As luck would have it, after a dismal performance, we did lose 1-0, and are through to the next round. A result against Levski will ensure top spot.

The wheels on your house go round and round...

2006-11-20T08:14:00.000Z

Saturday was Pikey Day, when the inbreds from the shit-hole of London venture across in their caravans, to sample the leafier side of the city.

Geremi won the game for us 1-0, with a blinder of a free-kick into the top right corner. We should have added a few more, but with Jeremy Beadle dressed as a linesman for the day, there wasn't much more to add.

To be fair to them, they started very well, and moved the ball around superbly for the first 20 minutes. The referee got involved at that point, and turned an excellent passing game into a tetchy encounter, when there was no need to do anything.

We're off to Werder Bremen this week. Win or lose, the trip will be good. Win or lose, the result will be good, which is why we're looking forward to it, and Barca are bricking themselves!

Chelsea 4-0 Watford

2006-11-14T08:31:00.000Z

"What for" came to the Bridge this weekend, and took a good 4 goal battering.

Danny Shittu was mouthing off in the press during the week about how he wasn't scared of playing against us, and that he could keep the Chelsea strikers in check. Well, if he wasn't scared before, he's properly shitting himself now.

Drogba scored his second hat-trick of the season, and could have had 2 more, and Shevchenko scored the obligitory goal immediately after the birth of a new baby.

I'm still astounded that Drogba is looking like the best striker in Europe at the moment, if not the World. Something has happened to him, because this isn't the same Drogba we derided in the past!

90 coaches, 100 miles, 1 battering

2006-11-09T08:42:00.000Z

7,000 Villa fans turned up at The Bridge last night for the Carling Cup tie, courtesy of Randy Lerner, the new owner. He organised free travel so as many of his fans as possible could witness their humiliation at the hands of a better team!

4-0 was the final score, with Lampard, Shevchenko, Essien and Drogba all netting.

Drogba finally signed a new contract this week, to keep him here until 2010. It wasn't long ago that this would have been received as disastrous news, but in his current role of "best striker on Europe", even I'm willing to admit this is excellent business!

Dictator of the moment, Mr Graham Pol Pot, sent off James McFadden for Everton against Arsenal after only 18 minutes. For swearing! Swearing? On the football pitch? A disgusting crime of the highest order, I'm sure you'll agree...

Poll, the glorified traffic warden refuses to "get involved in tittle-tattle", commenting on allegations that he told Lampard he was going to teach us a lesson before the Tottenham game. His superiors maintain he was "miked up" at the time, so he can't have said it.
Fine, if he was miked up, lets have a listen to the tape.
If we don't get to hear what he did actually say, we can safely assume the allegations are true. If they did have evidence that it wasn't said, you can be sure they'd have the tapes in the hands of the reporters before you could say "FA directive".

Graham Poll: Impregnated Anus

2006-11-06T09:28:00.000Z

You know there's something seriously wrong when the entire Match of the Day panel think Chelsea have been treated harshly in a match.

It has been decades since Totnum beat us. Almost 20 years at "Three Point Lane". It had to end sometime, and that was yesterday. After a super-strike from Makelele put us ahead, Graham Poll got involved. Now this is the Grade-A Fuckwit who issued three yellow cards to someone in a World Cup match. That alone should have ensured he never refereed again, but alas, Uefa appear to think he is good enough to exist in the Premiership.

The two major decisions were the one to rule out a perfectly good goal by Drogba. When the Arsenal panel on MotD agree that there was nothing wrong with it, we know it was a good goal. Secondly, he sent off John Terry for a second bookable offence. What the bookable offence was, no-one knows. After countless TV replays, nobody was any the wiser. But of course, the referee won't have to explain, or even give a reason. If he wakes up one day and feels the need to send off 3 players for tying their laces up incorrectly he could, and no explanation would be required.

The other encounter of the day saw Arsenal beaten away by West Ham, in the 89th minute. Alan Pardew, after a seriously poor start to the season was understandably over the moon. While celebrating, he got a bit too close to Wenger, and the Paedo took exception, and started a punch-up! He also refused to shake hands after the match. So obviously, Wenger will now be the new "enemy of football" right? I doubt it.

It is lunacy though, that a certain amount of criticism has been levelled at Pardew for celebrating too vigorously. Come off it. He beats the Gooners, in the 89th minute, at home, and he isn't allowed to celebrate? It has become apparent in recent months that players aren't allowed to celebrate goals anymore. Neither now it seems are the coaching staff. Next stop, it's us, the fans. We'll be threatened with ejection if we celebrate a goal.

Instead, we'll need to commiserate with the opposition, and then politely congratulate the person next to us with nothing more than a hand-shake, so as not to cause offence, or drag passion and emotion, the true new enemy of football into the game.

Camp Nou...Again

2006-11-01T08:33:00.000Z

The third visit to Camp Nou in three seasons, didn't have the same build-up as previous outings with the fans. This was a group game, and we were leading the group by 5 points. The press however, tried their hardest to whip it up again as the two major enemies of European football meet to battle...

There's a huge amount of bollocks that surrounds this fixture. Unfortunately, it does spread onto the pitch, and you never get a decent game. The whistle blows every 15 seconds, and the referee has to sort out the pantomime and spend time issuing ratings for various thespian acts on show.

Last night was no exception. The day of the game focused on Jose's comments that Eidur dived to win a penalty at the weekend. This of course was an outrageous statement, a direct attack on a former Chelsea legend akin to murdering his children while they slept, and Jose should definitely hang for the heinous crime. The fact that every paper in Europe, and every TV channel had spent the last 48 hours saying the exact same thing was of no relevance.

Deco, the dirty looking, pick-pocket from the shanty town type, opened the scoring after only 3 minutes. A blow to us, but a decent goal. Going behind at a capacity Camp Nou isn't a situation you want to be in often, but we fought back well. Hilario made an awesome save within 10 minutes, and The Goofy Fucker sent one high over the bar, after his teeth hit a divot.

To be fair, the game was rubbish, until they actually settled down and started to play. Every game which Barcelona play in always has every Barca player at some point, surrounding the ref, demanding that opposition players are booked, and sent off. This was no exception, in fact, it was an extremely common occurrence, but we already know about that. The final booking tally from the very poor Italian referee was 7-4.

As the second half began, Frank Lampard looked like he mis-controlled a ball in the box, went away from goal, hugging the byline, turned unsighted and shipped an amazing ball over Valdes into the far post. A truly awesome goal, and if Ronaldinhio had scored it, surely, the planet would be fawning.

We were only ahead for 6 minutes, until Boris slotted home the second for Barca. A heart-wrenching moment, to see a proper Chelsea legend score against you in an important game. It was disappointing to see him get injured with 10 minutes to go, and leave on a stretcher.

John Terry picked up a superb booking, after Deco was writhing in agony on the floor. He booted the loose ball at him, and instantly, Deco was up - no longer in pain, but in JT's face. The classic look of intense fear when the 4-foot greasy midget realised who it was that did it was comedy gold!

Usual Barca tactics were implemented, but when the fourth official signalled 6 minutes of injury time, we had one last stab at it, and John Terry put a perfect header into Drogba, who chested the ball down, past Marqeuz (who kicked out at the player, not the ball) and slotted it under Valdes to give us the point we needed to put Barca back up the creek.

When the final whistle went, a minute early, Barca were enraged. The "always calm, classy and humble" (yeah...of course) Rijkaard shot out of the dug-out and straight at the referee (perhaps to spit in his face?). If Jose had done this, certainly, the enemy of football would have been burnt alive and destroyed for not shaking hands with his opposite number, but as it was Rijkaard; the greasy clogger who cavorts with the referee at half-time, we'll just leave it at that shall we?

The most amusing aspect to the whole spectacle had to be the ITV interviewer asking Jose three questions. The first was about the game. The other two were about how bad the referee was. Cut back to the studio - and watch the "pundits" tear him apart for "going on about the referee". Why does he need to talk about the referee after a game like this they asked? Because you fucking asked him about it you dumb fucks...

Andy Townsend

2006-11-01T08:08:00.000Z

Andy Townsend, you're a squeaky-voiced, greasy perm-haired, know-nothing, bent nosed knob jockey.

And for the record, we thought this about you when you played for us too. And you were just as shit then as you are now!

Chelsea 2-1 Portsmouth

2006-10-23T14:04:00.000Z

Before the Saturday afternoon visit from Portsmouth, the Premiership record between us was played 6, won 6, scored 14, conceded 0. Not bad. It now reads played 7, scored 16, conceded 1. Although, it could easily be scored 30!

We had 15 shots on target in the game, and only a truly inspired performance from David James (again, always against us!) ensured they weren't destroyed.

We battered them from start to finish, and the two goals came within 2 minutes of each other early in the second half. In fact, we scored again just 2 minutes after that, but Drogba was judged to be offside.

After an excellent first half, producing some amazing saves from Calamity, Shevchenko finally scored at home. His delight saw him rush to the fans in the Matthew Harding Stand and celebrate. The traffic warden wannabe in the middle, Mark Clattenburg (fuckwit name for a fuckwit referee) dished out the yellow card for this.

Ballack scored the second a minute later, and in an obvious piss-take, also stuck just his head and shoulders into the fans in the stand to celebrate. Same punishment by the cock in charge. This is the same guy who sent off Robben for celebrating at Sunderland last year, and said it was because he jumped OVER the advertising hoardings into the crowd. Well, neither did that this time. Neither left the field of play. And as Jose pointed out after the game, Mark Clattenburg also officiated the game this season when Rapist Van Persie jumped over the hoardings into the crowd to celebrate a goal. Result? No card.

Ultimately, referee's just make themselves look incompetent. Laws like this one are really pathetic though. Also, the removal of the shirt booking is ridiculous. Not being able show emotion when scoring is bizarre. This is the game, OUR game, and it is the best in the world BECAUSE of the passion from the players and fans. Why do the FA try to remove that? This isn't a trip to the ballet, or the opera. These players are heroes to the fans, who pay through the nose for the tickets, and yet they are denied the opportunity of interaction between players and fans.

Finally, Sunday was a decade since the tragic death of Matthew Harding. It doesn't seem anything like that long. The Matthew Harding Stand still remembers, and fondly sings his name, which is more than will ever be said for Ken Bates!

Flair of the Drog

2006-10-19T07:12:00.000Z

Playing Barcelona seems like a standard season fixture now. This is the third year straight that we've drawn them. It is also the third year running where we have had the reigning European Champions in our group. Porto, Thieving Scousers, and Barcelona this season.

Last night had Eidur back at the Bridge for the first time since he left. We miss him; he was, and is, deeply Chelsea. It took Frank Rijkaard an hour to notice last night who he was really performing for...or rather not performing for! Top boy Boris!

Prior to last night, Barcelona's previous two Champions League defeats were both dished out by us. We can now make that their last three. A superb strike from Drogba, not dissimilar to his Liverpool winner, seconds into the second half, was enough to take all the points, and give us three wins out of three so far this campaign.

Last season, Barca had a fluorescent yellow kit. This season, they have borrowed bright orange motorway maintenance uniforms. Unbelievable.

Drogba was a monster last night. 10 times the player he was last season. This is the guy who has turned his game upside down, and now has the confidence, and it seems - the ability to score at all levels. His defensive work, and his build up play were incredible too, and he fully deserves to be man-of-the-match.

It looked like Barcelona were not at their best. Maybe so, but that was down to the stunning performance put in by us, and the complete ineptitude of Rijkaard. He is no more than the bloke to steers my train to work every day...The Barcelona setup relies on Messi and the Goofy Fucker creating everything, and last night, they were nowhere.

Messi started well, and had the better of Ashley Cole, but once he had taken a bit of abuse from the MHL (We can remember back to February, even if he can't...wanker), when he came to take a corner, he decided he didn't want to come into our half anymore! Poof!

After the goal, Barca went to three at the back and they even doubled Ronaldinhio and Messi onto the left against Boulahrouz. No fear, he was well up to the task, and kept them both out of the game completely. It is not often that the Goofy Fucker is anonymous, but he was last night. If Drogba hadn't had such an inspired game, Boula would certainly have been MOTM.

Hilario looked nervous when he came out, not surprising given the circumstances, but he played well and made his saves. The crowd did well to get behind him, and he picked up as the game went on. Shevchenko was again excellent, along with Essien. His goals will come. He was so unlucky with rebounds. We should definitely have scored 3 more. The chance we did take was the most difficult of the 4!

A quick note about the referee - Frank De Bleekere from Belgium. An excellent performance. He let the game run, didn't entertain the cheating, and generally kept it no-nonsense. A very refreshing change to the pathetic pantomime that usually surrounds this fixture.

This leaves us top with 9 points, Barca and Bremen sharing second place with 4 points. Next stop Barcelona!

What a hunt

2006-10-17T07:33:00.000Z

We went to Reading on Saturday for the evening kick-off against Reading.

16 Seconds into the game, Big Petr Cech slid in and took the ball cleanly, and the Plastic Paddy Hunt, decided to knee-drop him on the head at full tilt. That's probably the end of Petr's season, and could possibly have further serious consequences. After a weekend of surgery for a fractured skull, everyone just hopes he gets better soon.

The situation wasn't helped by the worse than useless referee Mike Riley, made Cech crawl off the pitch for treatment. Why? He is a 'keeper, therefore play can't restart without him, so what is the point? That aside, making someone move with any head injury, let alone one as serious as this could be disastrous; But that is Mike Riley all over, a fucking disaster.

Carlo came on to replace him, and in the 90th minute of a mammoth 107 minute game, he was battered to the deck by another journeyman oaf, and knocked unconscious. He too ended up in the hospital, and John Terry played the rest of the game in goal.

One can only image the shock on Big Pete's face, when he woke up and realised Carlo was lying in the next bed to him...

So we face Barcelona this week without a goalkeeper. Hilario is the third choice, and is yet to play for us, fingers crossed the crowd get behind him this week.

As for the Plastic Paddy, you can pretend all you like that it was an accident, but every other player easily managed to jump over the 'keeper in those situation. So when it comes around, and you end up with your tibia wedged up your arsehole, just remember, the bloke who did it to you intended no malice......Dirty Hunt.

Paul Robinson's Freak

2006-10-12T07:12:00.000Z

England crashed to a 2-0 defeat last night in Zagreb, to a team run by Slaven Bilic!

Steve McClaren's honeymoon (and some say, career) is definitely over. The manner of the defeat was most disappointing, starting with a 3-5-2 formation. 3 at the back, against the most difficult team in the group, away from home. Lunacy.

Anyway, when quizzed about the formations in his interview after the game, tactical mastermind Slaven Bilic said "formations are dead, it is just about the players in the team running about". Hmmmmmmmm. Superb insight.

Finally, Paul Robinson, after having a superb first hour, will become the fall-guy for this one. The second goal was a comical bobble over his foot in what should have been a very simple clearance from a backpass. It missed his foot, in what looked like a fresh-air shot, and rolled straight in.

When interviewed, he said it was "a total freak, these things happen, it was just a freak". His mind must have been playing tricks on him. It was definitely Gary Neville that played the backpass, not Peter Crouch...

Sofia so good

2006-09-28T07:25:00.000Z

Regular readers of this site will know that I have always been a staunch advocate of Didier Drogba...Last night, his hat-trick in Sofia gave us the win, while Barca and Bremen drew in Germany.

He has started the season like a steam train, helped no doubt by the new found ability to stay on his feet, and because he is playing as part of a front two, with the unselfish Shevchenko.

The Ukranian goal-machine hasn't been scoring much yet, but he will, and his play has still been superb. Shevchenko is definitely a factor in Drogba's level of performance this season.

Craig Bellamy

2006-09-25T08:04:00.000Z

In the news today, Craig Bellamy says certain people at Newcastle want him to fail, now that he is a filthy Scouser (still with no neck).

I'd like to set the record straight. Craig, it isn't certain people at Newcastle who want you to fail. It's the whole country.

Wanker.

There's only one team in Fulham

2006-09-25T07:41:00.000Z

Saturday afternoon hosted the shortest away game of the season. The short walk to the bank of the Thames, to take on Fulham at Craven Cottage.

Fulham have been getting pitiful gates recently. Well, actually, they have always had pitiful gates, but more so recently. The thousands of women and kids who used to fill the stands have stopped coming, but they filled it again for the visit of their most hated rivals. We, on the other hand, don't hate them at all, and think of them more like a little brother, with slight affection. Perhaps a handicapped one though.

The Craving Cottagers sang the ironic "Where were you when you were shit?", like they always do, amazing considering the gates they have always had (or rather, not had), and the fact that the older of them spent the last 30 years hiding indoors every weekend when we played at home!

To the game. Michael Brown was irritating. Runs a lot, puts in the effort, but puts in disgusting leg breaking tackles. The third this season. It must have been bad, even Alan Shearer condemned him. Small man syndrome really, exactly like Robbie Savage. The similarities are endless. They could be boyfriends.

Other than that, we played ok. Reasonable chances, and Kalou came on and made a bit of a difference. The deadlock was broken when Bristol Boy Rosenior fell over in the area and handled the ball. Penalty, no Ballack...Back to Frank, who put it away with commitment. You could see the relief flood out of him, and within 8 minutes, he'd got a second from the edge of the area.

Business as usual. Man Utd only drew in the evening game at Reading, so back to the top of the table for the time being. Pompey are playing Bolton tonight, and would go back to the top with a win. More eyes on the two managers though after the BBC Panodrama last week...

For us, it's a trip to Sofia on Wednesday night, and doing the journey millions of Bulgarians will be doing next year on Thursday morning...