Zen Pizza

Feeling Meditation - Cure for Insomnia and Strong Emotions

2013-03-25T15:57:00.000-07:00

One kind of meditation that I created as a hybrid of a tool I learned on how to deal with triggers and sitting meditation from Zen is "feeling meditation."

When I'm feeling antsy, angry, frustrated, agitated, or my mind is ruminating on something, a tool is to ask myself, "What am I feeling right now?" It's a process my therapist suggested as a way to pause before making a choice on how to respond to stressful events.

Feeling meditation takes this one step further, where I take time out to purposefully sit and feel about the things going through my mind.

Starting with some counting or other centering breathing, I sit on my mat, or lay in my bed (especially if I'm having trouble sleeping).

Then I let my mind wander. Or, if there is a specific problem I'm grappling with, I think about that.

Then, I ask myself, "How do I feel right now? How does my body feel and what are my emotions?"

There's no right or wrong answer. And no explaining of why I feel that way. Just how I feel.

Then when I pinpoint the feeling, I let my mind wander again. As soon as I hit another thought, I ask again, "How do I feel?"

After a while, I process a lot of the distracting thoughts in my mind, and it really feels like my mind is "clearer."

It's one of my favorite meditations. I hope it works as well for you as it does for me.

It's Easier to Be an Atheist (and More Relaxing)

2013-03-24T09:56:00.004-07:00

Today is Palm Sunday. Apparently.

The only reason I know it's Palm Sunday, is Facebook.

The only reason I know next week is Easter, is Google Calendar - and the stores being full of pastel colored candy and baskets.

Many people are preparing for Easter.

We aren't. Easter will come, we'll go outside, like we do on many other days, and enjoy spring.

Easy, and relaxing.

For most holidays, this is how it is (except for Christmas - we're still culturally attached to that one).

When we do celebrate holidays, it's with food, friends, and family. We might do a project if we feel energized and excited about it. If someone is stressed, we slow down and celebrate in a different way. Because celebrations are about life, not about trying to be perfect or satisfy a requirement (social or religious).

Holidays are simply easier, and less stressful, as an atheist. They are what they are supposed to be - fun and joyous.

Some Myths Are More True - God vs. Big Foot

2013-03-20T09:40:00.000-07:00

I had a conversation much like this, this morning. The response wasn't silence. The response was, "But everyone knows that Big Foot isn't real. There is no way to prove the afterlife isn't real."

We have been handed down stories for generations, and we believe the stories. Once you're out, and you don't believe the stories anymore, it all becomes Big Foot.

What replaces it? Nothing in particular. Except now it's time to go out and look for evidence and see what's really going on.

Science doesn't replace religious stories. Science is what's left when we realize the religious stories are all made up. The fog is lifted.

It's hard to hate something that doesn't exist. But when someone really believes that something exists, I can see how it would seem that anyone who doesn't believe the stories "hates" the hero of the story.

Or perhaps they are misunderstanding that it's not the story, or the hero of the story that non-believers "hate", but we "hate" the fact that we are expected to believe, we are insulted because we don't believe, or have to hear the stories and ignore that they are not real in order not to rock the boat. That's perhaps where believers feel the "hate."

There is no way to prove the non-existence of anything. Big Foot seems less real that God because less people believe. The concrete evidence of something not existing is equal for all things that don't exist, despite any claims from the fog.

Difficulty of Change

2013-03-17T21:16:00.000-07:00

Change is hard.

Even when the change is welcome and desired, it's still hard.

The old ways pull at you. Tugging. Saying, "Come back!"

But we know when it's time to change, and we must; looking back with fondness, while still moving forward.

Change is sometimes necessary, even if the past was fabulous. Sometimes it's just time to move forward, the previous chapter is over. It's time to stop hanging on to what was good before, trying to re-live that time.

That time is over, and whether it was good or bad, the next phase has started, and as difficult as it is, the transition must happen.

We know it has to. We know it's the right thing. It's still hard.

Because we want to stay in one place, where it's safe, where it feels good, or where we at least understand it, we struggle to move ahead.

It's also hard to feel the pull of others, who want us to stay, want us to be who we were yesterday, to do things the way they liked, not to put them in a position where they have to change, too.

It's time to move on, it's time to grow, and the challenge of change is part of the process that strengthens our character as we move to the next segment of our lives.

Questions We Should All Ask About Our Religion

2013-03-13T16:49:00.000-07:00

Being raised Christian, I asked a lot of questions when I was young, and never received satisfying answers from other believers. But I thought that it was because I was young and couldn't yet understand the complex adult world and ideas, as there were many other things I didn't understand yet - calculus, politics, and football, for example.

When I arrived in my early adulthood, I was learning a lot in school, and yet, I still had questions. So I joined a Christian study group, and asked them there. I did not get answers. Instead I got silence. And the SMH response. Obviously, I didn't "get it."

Well, I didn't get it. And over time, I searched elsewhere with my questions. And I found answers but none of them were from believers. And because they cannot be answered by believers with any sound reply other than, "Because that's what I think, and so what I think must be true," they are questions that I think we should all ask about the religions that we believe in. Maybe it's time to be honest with ourselves. These questions could be used for anything, really. But for the purpose of this conversation, we're talking about religion.

1. If God exists, how do we know the religion we believe in is the one God wants us to believe in? In today's world, there are 21 major religions, and that's not counting all of the branches of each religion. Over the course of human history, there have been hundreds, if not thousands, of different religions and branches. A good number of them claim to the be "one" religion or the "right" one. How can we possibly know that our religion is the right one?

2. Why are there people in the world who have never heard of religion at all? If believing is required in order to get into heaven, for example, why would God condemn so many people over the course of history simply because they don't live in an area that has religion? How is that their fault?

If people who don't have religion actually don't go to hell because it's not their fault, then why would any religion encourage the spreading of their religion? If not having religion at all is a guaranteed path to heaven, wouldn't it be better then that nobody have religion and to keep everyone in the dark about it so they won't be stuck in the life-long trap of knowing about it and then running the risk of going to hell?

3. Why does believing and worshiping God trump being a good person? Not all religions have belief in God as the deciding factor of acceptance to heaven in their belief system, but of the ones that do, why is that the case? Why isn't simply being a good, moral, person enough to get someone into heaven?

4. Would my belief stand up to scrutiny to someone who has no idea what a religion or God is? Would my belief stand up to scrutiny to someone outside of your belief group? One of the major problems I had with what I was taught in bible study and Sunday school, is that in my child-like brain, I was seeing things through a "newbie's" eyes, and it didn't make sense when looked at that way. I had to believe in order to understand what I was believing. That didn't make sense to me. Not all religions do this, but many do. This is one reason I became Buddhist, because it was a "religion" that makes sense from the outside, even to non-practitioners.

5. What if God and my belief system is wrong? I took an American Indian Religion class in college, and I was immediately struck by how many of the religions "worked" even if it was totally and completely wrong. For example, one of the tribes believed that their ancestors came and gave them guidance and supported them in the after life. Even if they were totally wrong, and their ancestors were all in their heads, they wouldn't have to change anything in their practices. People could be non-believers and still be worshipping the memories of their ancestors. I didn't see this possibility in what I was taught. Leaving Christianity to live with a non-christian world view is a major shift. Major. That woke me up when I realized that.

6. Does my belief system make other people out to be a bad guy if they don't believe? That is a self-reflection that I couldn't reconcile. Not only was I taught that those who were not Christian weren't as good as Christians, but that if I didn't abide, I'd be a "bad guy" too - and God knows even if I *think* about being a non-Christian. That is a recipe for dysfunction I there ever was one. Perhaps, there's a reason some religions teach this.

7. Does this religion allow for new truths that we learn as the human race advances? I asked many times how could the bible and today's science be compatible. The answer was usually that the bible was allegories, yet at the very same time, they would do bible study as if what they understood at that time is still true today.

-------

Perhaps if we ask these questions more often, the dangerous and dysfunctional religious will die out faster, and be replaced with ones that don't require blind belief or a disregard for the current state of society.

The Bully Who Says It's Your Fault He/She Has to Bully You

2013-02-26T15:02:00.002-08:00

"If you weren't so difficult, I wouldn't be so angry at you."

"It's your fault that I act this way. You brought it upon yourself."

"If you only did what I asked you to, I wouldn't have to punish you."

"I know I yelled, and pushed you. I know I talked about you behind your back. I know I rallied people around against you. But I had to. You were unreasonable. You weren't listening. You were a problem."

"Everything I did was because I had to. You made me do it. I didn't want to, but you made me."

"I told you exactly what you had to do in order to make me not hurt you, but you didn't listen, so now see what I had to do."

"It's your fault that I am not getting what I want. You know what that means."

This is a special kind of emotionally manipulative bully. They claim they don't want to be bullies, but they have to, because you made them. They don't like what's going on, so they react to whatever they can to make things how they like it. It's your fault things aren't how they like, so they have to bully, because they have no other choice.

Don't fall for it. They are still bullies. In fact, they are the worst kind of bullies, because they bully twice. Once in the initial bully behavior, then again when they blame you for their behavior.

To respond to this kind of bully it doesn't work to:

Try to convince them it's not your fault
Show the bully how they had a choice
Explain how their behavior hurt you

This just gives them more ammo.

Some ways to handle this kind of double bullying:

Ignoring and not acknowledging their blame, and continue to do the thing that you need to do to keep your boundaries, and your values, even if the bully doesn't like it.
Ask, "What is it that you want?" And then decide whether what they want is doable. If it is, offer other ways to achieve their goals. If they don't like the other ways, bow out and let them find a way to get what they want without you involved.
Focus attention on people who don't bully. If you are in a group with a bully, give more attention and conversation to the people who want to work together as a team, and spend less and less time listening to the pleas of the bully until they stop, leave or escalate their behavior into something obvious to all.
Say "I do not agree," and either change the subject or walk away.
Say "The way you treated me is not OK no matter what I did wrong." - and know it.
If it's an email, delete it. The bully knows they've achieved their goal if they get any kind of response at all.

Can you see this pattern in politics? In your family? At work? Watch to see how people respond, and what works. Very rarely can a bully be talked out of their behavior with reason. They aren't acting with reason. Bullies like attention. Sometimes, losing attention can be the thing that makes the difference.

In any case, it's not our job to fix bullies. The only responsibility we have is to ourselves, to keep double bullies from making our lives hell by playing into their story like it has any credence or possibly validity.

If the bully escalates their behavior into direct bully tactics - threats, blackmail, physical attacks, direct attacks - then it's time to stand up to their behavior and call it out. The passive aggressive, "you want to hurt me" accusations, and "You brought it on yourself" explanations are harder to stand up to, because it's a "he said she said" situation.

Direct action can be brought into light easier and that behavior can be asked to change, but we can't change the way people think about us. That's an important distinction to make when we stand up to bully behavior.

The bully can hold on to us securely when we care what the bully thinks more than we care about the way he/she treats us.

Ambiverts - Moderate Better than Extreme

2013-02-05T14:23:00.000-08:00

If there's one theme that I see over and over in the news, in conflict, and even in religion, is that moderate views and moderate practices are better than the extremes.

The "ambivert" discovery is the new hottest thing, although it really shouldn't be.

The world, it seems, up until now, has been divided into "extroverts" and "introverts," with the media and schools heavily preferring the former. It's considered common sense that being an extrovert is better than being an introvert. Being "shy" and "quiet" is negative. Being "gregarious" and "outgoing" is positive.

But a new study is showing that at least in some situations, this isn't the case.

I have been both called and introvert and an extrovert in my life, in different situations. But since being an introvert is "bad," that's what I thought I was for many, many years, as the sting of being called an "introvert" always hurt more than the praise of being an "extrovert." Plus, people who are extroverts don't receive the vocal praise in equal amounts that an introvert is criticized.

But when I take those extrovert/introvert tests, I'm in the middle. What does that mean?

About a year ago, when talking about this on Facebook with a friend, I came up with the term "ambivert" and joked that's what I was.

Well, now, it's actually being acknowledged as a "thing." And not only that, but lauded as being even better than an extrovert.

I think a lot more people identify with this idea. And I also think that being an extrovert/introvert is a sliding scale. Nobody is 100% extrovert and nobody is 100% introvert.

But not only that, but each of us has a range on that scale. Some days and in some situations we are more extroverted than others.

Do you know a person who is quiet until you get to know him, then he's very talkative and outgoing?
Do you know a person who is very social and loves to be in front of a crowd, but also disappears for hours to do things alone?
Do you know a person who is chatty when it's a topic they know, but quiet when it's a topic they aren't knowledgeable about?

These people are ambiverts. They like people, and want to be around them, but also need their space. They can gauge when to be more gregarious, and other times know when to be quiet and wait. They are sometimes the life of the party, and other times, the one sitting in the back having a quiet conversation with someone or just watching the crowd.

I hope this idea gets more traction, because just like in so many other arenas of life, being in the middle of the sliding scale, with the ability to move back and forth between a small range without swinging to extremes is almost always the best.

God Only Loves Those Who Voluntold

2013-02-04T16:03:00.000-08:00

If this god does exist, and this is what he told the human race through Jesus, then I don't want to worship this god. He's a bully.

Reminds me of a dysfunctional parent. "I will love you only if you love me first. And you must love me by doing what I say when I say it. And you must also think of me with positive regard. Or you will not longer receive my love or caring."

That message must be an old one, having come from dysfunctional parenting even back in Jesus's time. The Bible in many ways comes directly out of the dysfunctional parent handbook, and then overlays it on a bigger, larger, infinite being.

If there is a god, I imagine him or her to be either benign and want us to succeed as a race and as individuals. Or he/she doesn't really care about us. If she or he is a bully like this, why should we be so willing to comply? We aren't willing to comply to bullies we know in person, are we?

And wouldn't it be tiring and laborious for a god to keep track of who is doing what he/she commands and who isn't?

Like Phill Connors says in Groundhog Day, "Maybe God isn't all knowing and all powerful, he has just been around for a long, long time."

Perhaps so, in which case, he/she knows a lot, and can see a good person from a bad person pretty quickly from experience, I imagine. But unless she/he's a controlling psychopath, I doubt that a creature that's been around that long has an interest in whether people are doing what he/she says. And if that's what's the most important thing on this creature's list, then it's not a being that's good for the human race to worship, just like it's not good for a child to worship a dysfunctional parent.

Jesus Will Return - How Will We Know When He Does?

2013-01-31T15:37:00.000-08:00

I was behind an old Toyota sedan on the freeway yesterday, and it had a bumper sticker on it that said, "Jesus will return."

And since I was driving in traffic and had nothing better to do, I started thinking about this.

I have a few questions.

How will we know when he returns?

Assuming the Bible and what we know of the history of that time is true, when Jesus came the first time, there was mixed opinion about whether he was actually the son of Ywhw. In fact, there were people who really did not like him, as we know by his having been crucified along with other riff raff of the time.

So, if Jesus did return, how would we know it's really him? Let's say our neighbor Joe decides he's Jesus, and a group of people also agree with him. But a lot of other people don't agree with him that he's Jesus. What could he possibly do to convince us? He could change water to wine - but hey, magicians can do that. He could part the sea - but have you seen what David Blane can do? (Maybe he's Jesus?)

What form will Jesus take when he returns?

When Jesus returns, will he have just as limited human powers as when he dropped by the first time, or will he be Jesus 2.0? Will he not be in human form this time? And if he comes down in non-human form, again, how will we know he's Jesus? He could be an alien. How will we know the difference between Jesus 2.0 and an alien?

Let's say an alien comes down and kills off half of the humans, and then sucks up the rest of us to be slaves in their dolarium ore mine on planet Elipta? How will we know he's not Jesus?

And lastly, what if Jesus came back and told us all to be good to one another, give up our riches, take care of our planet, and put down all of our weapons?

Would the women in the old Toyota still listen to him? Or would she ignore him, because he's not the kind of Jesus that she was waiting for to come and pick her as the lucky winner of the rapture lottery?

And this is how I entertain myself in traffic in L.A. when stop-and-go behind a car with a Jesus bumper sticker.

Dropping Things, Adding Things

2013-01-31T15:18:00.000-08:00

In my last post in July, I quoted Lao Tzu. "To become learned each day add something. To become enlightened, each day drop something."

I guess the thing that I dropped that day was posting on this blog.

In fact, it was also about that time that I dropped zen buddhism.

It wasn't on purpose, it just happened. Perhaps as a result of having added other things.

But strangely, looking back over the years that I studied zen, and worked so hard to become zen, it's within the past 6 months or so that I feel more zen then ever - although I rarely, if ever, think about trying to be zen.

It was through the other life experiences that I was finally able to put into play the concepts that I read about in all the Buddhist literature, message boards, and blog posts.

I can't name the 8 fold path anymore, nor could I explain half of the terms that I had in my pocket even last year. I don't have that vocabulary in my lexicon anymore. Yet, I feel far more zen, balanced, and non-attached than any other time in my life. And also more engaged and alive more than ever.

Those years of study and talking about the concepts of Zen laid the ground work, and then I embraced life and with trial and error, the two together, worked out so far, I think.

I have toyed with the idea of starting a new blog or two based on my new interests, since I no longer write about my journey with Zen or meditation. One of the blogs I was going to start would be about atheism, with some politics thrown in for fun, as it relates to that. But then I looked back at this blog's last few posts, and I see that I was already going down that path here.

So maybe I'll start posting again here, for my 3 or 4 readers. Perhaps it won't appeal to the zen enthusiasts anymore (if it ever did in the first place), but I think I will start writing in more depth about my slow public embracing of atheism, and some of the more controversial opinions I have about god-based religions, and see what happens.

Learned and Enlightened

2012-07-18T16:34:00.001-07:00

"To become learned each day add something. To become enlightened, each day drop something." Lao Tzu

It's possible to be an "idea" hoarder. We only have time for a sliver of the awesome in the world. Trying to hold on to it all requires far more than most mortals are capable of.

The thing we drop today, if it's really that important, we'll find it again. And likely, when we find it, we'll be more prepared than we are now to learn the lesson it has to teach.

Are There Atheists in Foxholes?

2012-07-13T08:17:00.002-07:00

Are there atheists in foxholes? This question was brought up in a discussion on my Facebook wall a couple weeks ago. Well, there was a small study done. Take from it whatever confirmation bias you prefer.

Something I found interesting about it: “In Vail’s view, this suggests people who strongly reject religious belief find other ways of dealing with “the psychological problem of death,” such as devoting themselves to some secular cause that will endure beyond their lifetimes.”

In other words, atheists work harder to leave behind something in this world as a way to be immortal when faced with the real fact that they will no longer exist. That is yet another reason I'm atheist. I'd rather focus on this world and making it better, even after I'm gone, than focusing on my salvation after I'm dead. I want to do the best I can with the tools I currently have to bring the earthly salvation to those who live after me. After thinking about it a bit, I can also see the political parallel and why it would make sense that I'm generally a social liberal and a fiscal conservative.

Everyone's Born an Atheist

2012-07-01T12:28:00.002-07:00

This is main reason why, at around 19 or so, after being raised Christian, and trying to find answers in religion during college, I decided to become an atheist. It was because I realized that we are all born atheist, and we are taught to believe in God by people who were also born atheist, and so it went. I became Buddhist around age 30 because it I chose to do so. Nobody converted me. Nobody urged me (in fact, the monk I learned from urged me not to "become Buddhist"). I made the choice. And I'm still atheist.

I considered the idea that we are born spiritual and develop our spirituality depending on which culture we grew up in. I considered this both while in college, and later when I became Buddhist. I think it's a valid one which I eventually came to disagree with (although I can understand the perspective).

This is why. I do believe, as most Buddhists do, that we are connected to each other and the entire universe on some level, and we know that instinctively, as we are empathetic creatures. Yet the story of a god (whatever that god may be) is not instinct. It is the result of a history of the human race trying to understand things they do not understand, using some "perfect" or "extreme" version of themselves or the things around them to to explain them. The use of a god figure had then evolved as a way to control as well.

We are all born atheist - that doesn't mean we aren't connected in some way (that even science says is true, as we share the same particles as long-dead suns and breathe each others' dead skin cells), or that we aren't innately aware of that connection - only that the idea of God is not something anyone just believes because we have some innate God-believing-gene, but because it's taught to us.

Closed-minded Atheists

2012-06-08T12:29:00.000-07:00

I have been told that as an atheist, I'm as closed minded as those who believe a god exists. That the only open minded stance is to be agnostic.

I disagree with this.

I am an atheist in the same way that I'm an a-unicorist, a-lochnessmonsterist, a-bigfootist.

These are all things that people have imagined at some point in human history because of something they saw or experienced, and tried to make an explanation for them. From every single position of proof, unicorns, the lochness monster, and big foot don't exist. So, I don't believe in them. I don't think they exist.

Yet, I'm open to proof. Show me that these things exist, give me proof, and I'll change my mind.

Being certain that something doesn't exist because there is no evidence for it is not closed minded. Because this understanding is based on evidence, or lack thereof, there is always room for a different opinion if the facts change.

Being certain that something exists without reproducible proof strongly leans towards the possibility of closed-mindedness. Because there is nothing anyone can do to disprove further that this thing doesn't exist. There is no evidence to begin with, so there is no way to decrease the evidence any further. There is no room to change one's mind because the perspective is not evidence based. There's no way to take away the thing that got the person to believe in the first place.

That is the development of a closed mind - basing a conclusion on something that can't be challenged. Basing a conclusion on a feeling, on something that is not reproducible, or on a story makes that belief iron-clad. And therefore, closed.

Basing an opinion on the facts that we can see - there is nothing there, so until I see something, I do not think anything is there, is not a closed minded position. It's not a position based on a story or a feeling. It's a conclusion derived from evidence.

Needing a lot of evidence to be convinced of something is not being closed minded, either. If someone tells me one thing that is proof that a unicorn exists - say, "I saw one once" or "There's a picture on the internet" it's not enough evidence to prove they exist. Even seeing one in person, after never having seen one before despite them being in our cultural story for decades, would not be enough proof - is that a real horn?

Skepticism is not a closed mind. It's a mind that doesn't change easily, but it's not closed. A closed mind is one that has a story without evidence, and goes with it and will not consider outside evidence when presented.

As an atheist, I consider outside evidence constantly. I consider it and each time come to the conclusion that given the evidence, there is no God as humanity portrays him/her/it.

There has been one argument for a "God" that I can accept, and only one so far - God is actually the entire universe. It's not a "being" so much as the dynamic of an entire system working together - it has no consciousness like we know, and it doesn't have an intention, but is instead the name they give the universe. That, I can understand. Because we can see the universe is a gigantic living eco-system that is far more complex than we can understand right now, and more complex than we may ever understand. Using the term "God" to describe just how big and impossibly complicated the universe is, I can get that.

All other depictions of God, it being a sentient being of some kind, or there being some kind of human-like afterlife, I don't believe. And I won't believe until we have evidence that it exists.

That, to me, is not closed minded, but prudent and drawing conclusions based on evidence. I am willing to change my mind. Prove to me that unicorns exists, using real evidence, and I'll change my mind.

Why I Am an Atheist

2012-03-13T17:36:00.000-07:00

Reasons to believe in God:

1. Not knowing what happens when we die is scary. It feels better to think that life never really ends than to think about the idea that it's black when it's all done.

2. The people I grew up with taught me to.

3. A lot of people I didn't grow up with want me to.

4. There are many books that talk about it.

5. When I'm confused and don't have answers, it gives me something to hold on to rather than saying, "I don't know."

6. It allows me to belong to a group that will accept me based solely on believing in a God.

7. It gives me someone to talk to and ask for help when nobody else will listen.

Reasons not to believe in God:

1. All the evidence that God exists can be equally explained by other means.

2. I'm not sure which God to believe in, there are so many to chose from.

3. Believing in God doesn't have a universal affect of making people nicer, kinder, or more compassionate.

4. Adding a god to my life gives me more to do.

5. Depending on which god, adding God to my life adds unnecessary guilt.

6. I'm not into sports, or competition, and don't want to play the "my God is better than your God" game.

7. None of the gods available are all that nice or helpful.

8. If God is evil, why help the cause? If God is good, my deeds and behavior will be more important than my belief. So, it's better to spend energy and time on better behavior, and belief is irrelevant.

-

To me, the reasons not to believe in God outweigh the reasons to believe in God. Also, the reasons to believe in God come from childhood fear and feelings, the reasons to not believe come from maturity and logic. Lastly, the reasons not to believe generally lead to a more liberating and compassionate life for all, whereas the reasons to believe lead to servitude and self-focus.

I choose not to believe because it makes more sense and it's better for myself and the world if I don't.

Separation of Church and State

2012-02-26T15:12:00.000-08:00

If we have leaders who derive their governance from their religion, we do not have freedom from religion. It shall be imposed on us from the leaders' decisions.

We are granted the freedom from religion in the same way we are granted freedom of religion, by our constitution. They are one and the same. Our laws and governing bodies cannot bring in their religious beliefs without imposing religion on their constituents. Here's why:

"Freedom of religion, if it is going to apply to everyone, also requires freedom from religion. Why is that? You do not truly have the freedom to practice your religious beliefs if you are also required to adhere to any of the religious beliefs or rules of other religions." - Austin Cline

Although I do not have a problem with any governing leader to be any religion, I do oppose any law making, governance, or justification for laws based on any religion. I particularly oppose these things justified by a god. I do not believe in a god as part of my religion, so I shall not have this god imposed on me by my legislators.

Do not allow your legislators to make decisions based on religion, even if you agree with their religious views. It sets a precedent that we all will not be free from religion, and there for not free to practice our own religions as we see fit.

Keep religion out of the government. Keep kind, generous, God loving people in there if you want, but tell them to keep their religion out of it and be good people because it's simply the humanly right thing to do.

Having an Opinion vs. Creating Drama

2012-02-24T10:14:00.003-08:00

In the name of being honest, and just putting things out there, we create a lot of drama. We think we're being honest, but in fact, we're probably hiding from a lot of things and by being "honest" we're masking our true feelings.

When people express themselves in an honestly honest way, it's not scary or threatening. Many of us have been trained to think that feelings like anger and fear are bad things, but they aren't. They are part of who we are and when we are truly being open and honest about how we feel about things, we don't create drama.

Sometimes, in our being honest, others will create drama in return because of their own masking of their feelings - and that's not our fault. Being real is scary though, because there is a chance that we'll put ourselves out there only to receive drama in return.

I like to think that I don't create any drama. But the truth is, I do - when I'm scared or embarrassed, mostly. And when I'm trying to stop other people's drama, I sometimes create it, too, having learned that's the best way to deal with things.

I'm learning that there is a difference between having an honest opinion, and creating drama, and working on trying to choose sharing honest opinion over creating drama.

I have had this on my wall for a while now, and got it from a book I read years ago. I can't remember the book I got it from, so if you do, email me and I'll give it proper credit.

Opinions vs. Drama

Opinions inform, drama stirs the pot.
Opinions are meant to communicate, drama is meant to silence the other.
Opinions contain acknowledged feelings, drama masks the dashed expectation or fear of not being in control with a false sense of control.
Opinions take responsibility for one's own perspective, drama blames the other for what one feels.
Opinions ask for change but allows others to have opinions, too, while drama is a strategy to mask a demand that the other change.
Opinions are nonviolent, drama is violent, aggressive, passive aggressive, derisive, and punitive.
Opinions express an assertive response, drama represses true feeling (fear and embarrassment, usually).
Opinions releases and aliveness of one's true self, drama creates stress because one's bruised ego is enraged.
Opinions need no response, drama insists that the other see how justified one is.
Opinions bridges distance, drama is a belligerent reaction that intends to punish or show the badness of the "other".

Why I Don't Worship or Believe in (a) God

2011-08-29T13:21:00.000-07:00

I was raised Christian. It took years to figure out my relationship with the God that had been taught to me. Over the years, I examined the reasons I was told to believe. There are many things I could say about why I now don't worship, believe, or even have interest in God, but this quote pretty much sums up the basics.

"Live a good life. If there are gods and they are just, then they will not care how devout you have been, but will welcome you based on the virtues you have lived by. If there are gods, but unjust, then you should not want to worship them. If there are no gods, then you will be gone, but will have lived a noble life that will live on in the memories of your loved ones." –Marcus Aurelius

Frustration with Passive Aggressive or Aggressive Behavior - Self-talk for Hard Times

2011-08-25T15:23:00.000-07:00

Passive aggressive, and even directly aggressive, behavior is very difficult to deal with.

For me, the real challenge comes when it's someone who is ostensibly my friend or family.

I couldn't figure out why a stranger being a jerk only bothers me during the actual behavior, but a friend, family, or someone who I looked up to, being a jerk really pushes my buttons and the pain lasts for a long time.

1. People who say they are friends or family acting selfishly or in hurtful ways starts the downward emotional spiral. What really solidifies my angst is when I try to address the issue of how their behavior makes me feel, and they either deny they did anything, ignore me, blame me for their behavior, or bring up something else that pisses them off more. It's the not being able to address the issue that bothers me more than the actual behavior. When a stranger does this kind of thing, I just go "bah," whatever - I don't feel the need to address the issue. When a friend spits a hurtful remark at me, tells me to go away aggressively, or gives me an indirect insult, I feel trapped and aggravated. I need to address it, but I can't. Also, I invested caring and love into this relationship, and I have given a lot, and to find out that the relationship is really just about them feeling good, and doing whatever they want to me, and my feelings don't matter, it pushes me into grrr mode.

2. Once I commit to something, I fall easily into a full emotional commitment. Relationships, but also jobs, clubs, groups, etc. That also means I will forgive bad behavior for a long time until it reaches a boiling point, because I have an idyllic view of how the relationship is supposed to be and hold steadfast to that until my bubble is burst. I don't commit easily. So when I do, it must be great, right? I must have decided to commit because it's great, right? So when it goes sour, it tweaks the image I have of it, and I want so much for it to be what I thought I was getting into.

3. Because of my upbringing, I didn't learn how to deal with the pain of emotional neglect and rejection. I had to piece together a mishmash of coping mechanisms. When a stranger doesn't care about me, I'm OK with that because I know how to handle that. But when I feel that a friend or family member (or someone who I look up to) is rejecting me or neglecting me, it throws me back to the many times I had to deal with this kind of pain as a child without help or support. I know what my inner child is doing is not good for me. But she takes over and wants so much to learn how to deal with the pain and have someone who will listen and accept her. When the very person who she had assumed would be there, turns out, yet again, to be the person who brings pain instead of love, boom! back in time.

So, what do all of these have in common?

Attachment issues.

I am a nearly 40 year old woman who has attachment issues.

Sounds sad, huh? But as much as it might be sad, it's incredibly common. In fact, in Buddhism, attachment is the ultimate cause of our emotional suffering.

If any of us suffer emotionally, it's because we have attachment issues.

Reading this article today, help me put together the common denominator in all the places I feel hurt, sad, disappointed, embarrassed, afraid, and other painful feelings - needing to detach.

How do we deal with people who are passive-aggressive, aggressive, blaming, hurtful, crazy-making? Examine our attachments. Detach.

Detachment (or non-attachment) is not: pushing away, neglect, ignoring someone, not talking to them, blaming them, not caring about them, or denying love.

It is a way of relating to the world that allows the world to be what it is, and not being attached to wanting to make it reflect the ideal version we have in our head. Detachment (or non-attachment) is another dimension to acceptance.

I put this together for myself, to have something I can go to when my child doesn't know how to deal with intense emotions. When she wants to change something, fix something, or bend over backwards to keep someone from being upset, I can go to this and remember - oh ya. Perhaps it can help someone else, too. And together, we can heal our attachment issues.

Self talk and mindfulness for hard times:

How old am I right now? (eg. I feel like I'm 17.)
Is there an event in my past that is triggering this feeling?
What exactly am I feeling right now?
What does this feeling create in my body?
Wait to act on these feelings and spend this moment just feeling them and fully understanding and loving myself first.

Do I need to detach?

Am I addicted to wanting the person to like me?
Does it seem like the other person is emotionally unavailable to me?
Do they seem coercive, threatening, or intimidating to me?
Do they seem to be trying to punish or abuse me?
Do I feel I'm not making progress or feeling reinforced in our interactions?
Do I feel smothered?
Do I feel like the other person needs me to survive?
Do I feel like I need the other person to survive?
Does the other person's actions and what they say impact the feelings I have about myself?
Do I feel a chronic need to fix, rescue, or enable this person?
Do I feel obliged and loyal to the point of never being able to leave?
Does the other person seem chronically helpless, lost, or out of control?
Is the other person self-destructive or suicidal and I feel guilty my actions might make them hurt themselves?
Does the other person have an addiction that I feel I must fix?
Do I feel manipulated or conned?
Do I feel chronically guilty?
Do I fantasize that the other person will come around or change to be what I want?
Do I feel like our relationship is a competition for control?
Do past hurts get brought up again and again, and not forgiven even after having a heart to heart about it?
Do I feel ignored?

Letting go of painful attachment:

I am not responsible for other people's emotions.
I am not responsible for other people's actions.
I do not need to fix anyone.
I do not need to fix a relationship.
Only they can change how they react to me.
Show up, pay attention, be honest, then let them be who they are.
Create a safe space between myself and those who trigger pain in me.
I am free to feel my own feelings without having others approve or acknowledge them.
They will be OK without my emotional involvement.
I am not shunning or abandoning another by making space and allowing them to be who they are.
Their anger, frustration, and all other feelings are theirs to own.
I can empathize with one's pain without sharing it or being responsible for it.
It is OK to create space if I feel uncomfortable, scared, hurt, or otherwise out of sync with another, without having to announce that space, apologize, or tell the other person to back off.
If a person is in my face, and is relentless, I have the right to say "back off," but not to punish, only to create space for myself.
I am not responsible for another adult's emotional tantrum, even if it's a mini tantrum (Passive aggressive).
I am not responsible for taking care of someone who is chronically helpless, a victim, or incompetent.
Unless it's a true emergency (which is extremely rare), I do not have to react immediately, and can take my time to assess whether I want to become involved or not.
I am not responsible for another person's reaction to me saying, "No," including if they decide to have a tantrum or manipulate with fear, obligation, or guilt.
What beliefs do I have about why I can't let go of my image of the relationshp? How can I replace those beliefs with healthy, strong ones?
If I still feel guilt about detaching, why do I feel guilt? Who is speaking in my head making me feel guilty? Who am I trying to make happy by feeling guilty? Whose rules am I trying to abide by? Do I feel OK according to my own integrity?
If not, is there anything I can to do make amends without having to involve the other person?
If not, can I make amends to forgive myself, without the need to get forgiveness from someone else?
If I am OK with my own rules of integrity, can I make a new statement about what I did, how they acted/reacted, or how I feel that creates a healthy detachment?

The Bible and Science

2011-06-03T14:13:00.000-07:00

I received a response on Facebook about my last post. Basically, arguing that there are passages in the Bible that show how much the people of that time knew about science, and that it was because God told them about it. Therefore, I'm assuming that to mean, that the stories in the Bible are facts for scientific discussion. This is my response.

Here is one collection of examples of where the bible is plain wrong about science, or contradicts what we currently know according to visible evidence. This is not the only list like this of its kind.

Even a broken clock is right twice a day. That doesn't mean it's a reliable source for me to know what time it is.

The Bible is not to be generally discounted, but science relies on empirical evidence, not someone's stories about what is true or not. Many experiments and challenges have been made to evolution, and that's where it holds water. The challenges to the bible are unanswered other than more "it's in the Bible." That's not science. Again, not to be discounted, but it's not the scientific method.

The people who lived long ago were right about a lot of things. The people who made Stonehenge, before there was written language, probably used ball bearing technology to erect the 40 ton stones, and it wasn't until DaVinci's time that it was used again. That doesn't mean that the people of Stonehenge's time understood gravity, astronomy, chemistry, or even basic biology. We don't know what they knew, but even if we had written language from their time, we can't base today's understanding on their understanding unless we can reproduce their findings.

It's impossible to reproduce the findings that the people in the Bible have asserted - the existence of God, how plants and animals came to be, etc. They are stories that have no meaning or proof in today's science, but were probably very meaningful at their time. Until the stories of creation in the Bible are scientifically challenged and then proven to be the most likely scenario based on those results, it is not science. It not science any more than I can assert that a giant turtle rules the galaxy and kills people at will because he is actually a carnivorous turtle and is hungry and expect it to be taken seriously. Science takes what we see today, in our world that we live in right now, and uses that information to make an assessment of what is the best explanation. Belief takes stories, either of our own making or that have been handed down or read in a book, and then looks around to see proof.

I came to my belief in reincarnation by reading, listening to stories, and my own internal ideas. No empirical evidence at all. It's how anyone comes to believe in God, how anyone comes to believe in the afterlife or the beforelife, how anyone comes to believe that the world is here for humans' benefit. These things are told to us, so we believe. Or its something we've developed over time because it makes sense to us or we like them. Depending on where we grow up, we were taught to believe different things. And depending on whether we embrace science and spirituality together, but different, or whether we try to make science or spirituality the only thing that matters, will also affect what we believe.

Long ago, the church used to own science. When true scientists challenged the belief that the earth is flat, or that the earth revolved around the sun, they were rejected and even put to death, because belief resists change. Science encourages change, and it lends itself to being upgraded.

I determine the difference between science and belief like this - If an alien came down from another planet and looked at our claims to what we know, science would be the things that we can reproduce without language or words, and show them how it works. Beliefs are the things that we would have to explain with stories. It's impossible to explain creationism without language. Science, doesn't need language, it's simply there. For us to be truly human, we need both, although they are very different from one another.

Science vs. Faith

2011-06-03T09:38:00.000-07:00

Some say that it takes more faith to believe in evolution than it does to believe in creationism. I suppose for some, that might be true. But not for me. I use no faith to come to my understanding of how our world works and do not "believe" in evolution. It happens to be the best explanation out there given the evidence, but I'm willing to change my opinion at any time given new information. It's the same approach I give to understanding history. I don't have "faith" that things happened. I have evidence, and I change my view of history as I receive new evidence, knowing full well that most likely, whatever it is that I understand about what happened in the past is from snippets of evidence. That's not belief. Belief requires no evidence other than simply believing. For example, I believe in reincarnation - but there's no reproducible evidence for it or against it, and it can never really be known if it's true (until our species evolves enough that we can have a shared experience of the afterlife).

Some creationists are very offended when their belief that man was plunked here on Earth by the hand of God is labeled "anti-intellectual." Calling it judgmental. There are people who judge creationists for other reasons, and but calling a story believed first and then using evidence to prove it as "anti-intellectual" isn't a judgment. For example, saying that believing in reincarnation is anti-intellectual, I am being told that I derive my opinions from belief, not my intellect, which is absolutely true. It's not a judgment, so much as discriminating understanding of how one comes to a conclusion.

It is possible to reconcile evolution and religious texts, even with an orthodox reading of them. I know enough people who do to know it's possible. One thing that I believe (and it is not scientifically proven, however I see lots of compassionate people believe this, too) is that science and religion are two sides of the same coin, coming at trying to understand our existence from two different approaches. Neither is better, but they are indeed different. I think teaching our kids this distinction is very good for them, because it allows them to be able to have their own personal beliefs (and not be threatened by others) while also being able to look objectively at the world and let the world (that many believe God created) teach us about who we are and where we can go. Without science/intellect we are lost in a bubble of inbred stories, and without belief/faith we are lost in a void of loneliness and separation from our humanity.

We need science and faith. And they are not the same. We need both scientists and spiritualists. And they are not the same. To me, the most amazing people, and the ones who are able to see what others cannot, are those who have both within them, who can separate, yet reconcile the two sides of the coin. Alan Watts, good example. Albert Einstein, another one. Pema Chodron, another one. Deepak Chopra, yet another.

It's those who divide themselves into one or the other, and then fight each other, who will always be fighting, and never growing or learning. And if there is a God, I'm sure that would make him very sad indeed.

Reducing Fatigue by Sleeping Less, Not More

2011-04-25T11:43:00.000-07:00

I have had a lifetime of experiencing sleepiness and general fatigue. I don't know if it could be officially labeled chronic fatigue, but it has been there forever. Generally, I need 9 or more hours a sleep a night, and still often felt fatigued throughout the day. Waking up is hard for me. As a kid I slept more than the other kids. In college, I couldn't do the all-nighters that my friends could. As an adult, I sleep as much as my kids do.

Some days, I am tired when I wake up, and stay tired the rest of the day.

After giving up caffeine, alcohol, and high fructose corn syrup, which all helped for a while, I still struggle with fatigue. High fats and high carbs probably also contribute. Although I don't think I generally eat enough fat or carbs to warrant the amount of fatigue I experience.

For a while, I shifted my sleeping schedule, thinking that if I slept in, and stayed up late, I would be on more on target with what my body wants to do. Still, I slept 9-10 hours a night (or wanted to) and felt groggy throughout the day.

So, I decided to just accept it. I sleep a lot.

But boy, sleeping a lot, and being tired a lot, means not getting a while heck of a lot done. I would find that the glorious days I wasn't tired, I'd try to cram all the things I didn't do during all those days I was tired. Again, accepted myself and this was how I worked. Although I have to admit, every once in a while, would be annoyed with myself for being so tired.

Then, I read about the Sleepless Elite. These are people who only need a few hours of sleep a night, and have a ton of energy. A friend of mine in college was this way. I was secretly jealous of him.

It got me curious, and I started looking into different sleep patterns and research (mainly trying to see if long sleeping and furiously vivid and emotional dreams meant that I had a brain tumor or if I should expect an impending heart attack. Despite my earnest attempt to find this connection, none could be found, even on the internet.)

Through this research, though, I discovered something better - polyphasic sleep. The theory goes, that REM is really the only kind of sleep we need. Normally, a sleep cycle takes about 90 minutes to get into and through a REM state. If we can train our bodies to go right into REM sleep, we'd only need 15-20 minutes of sleep 6 times a day. This is the most extreme version of polyphasic sleep, called the Uberman's Sleep Schedule.

Polyphasic sleep was not something I could try, seeing that I have kids and responsibilities and all, and apparently I'm not the only one. People indicated that finding times to take regular naps in a typical American life, is next to impossible. In addition, making the transition to an Uberman's sleep schedule is taxing on the body. What about considering a milder form of plyphasic sleep, sleeping 3-7 hours a night, and adding naps? If Ben Franklin and Thomas Jefferson could do it, so could I!

Apparently, a lot of people have successfully adopted a biphasic or triphasic sleep pattern, reducing their sleep needs by 1-3 hours a night. There is even a Google group dedicated to talking about sleep patterns.

After much research, I decided to try the "easy" biphasic sleep pattern - 7 hours a night, and one 30 min. nap. That would reduce my sleeping by about 2 hours. And what's the worst thing that could happen? I'd be sleepy? Well, I was already sleepy.

I've been sleeping this way for about three weeks now. I sleep from about midnight to 7, and then generally stay in bed for another 30 minutes to an hour, but I'm not sleeping. Meditating, thinking about my dreams, generally getting mentally ready for the day. But some days, I do wake up at 7 or soon after. Then, in the afternoon, I take a 30 min nap, whether I'm tired or not.

Overall, I'm less sleepy and fatigued during the day. And I am awake and out of bed a solid hour longer than before. I'm also learning, slowly, how to wake up with the alarm by the daily naps I take, so it's easier to get up in the morning, too.

I'm slowly going to work my way to being in bed only 7 hours. Now that I have the nap as part of my daily routine, I know that if I wake up and I'm tired, that I can take a nap later, and it's easier to get going.

I like this new schedule better. In general, my dreams are less intense, I have less insomnia during the night, and I'm not as tired during the day. It's not an enormous difference, but a noticeable one. And, even though I'm sleeping less, I'm not any more tired than before.

So what have I been doing with that extra hour or two? I've been able to find time to meditate. I couldn't find time before, and didn't want to, because I was too fatigued. Now, I get a nap and a meditation in most days - and a workout, several days a week, too. So far, this schedule is working out great for me, and I'm slowly starting to feel like I'm no longer a "long sleeper."

How to Be Happy in Life - Finding My Truth

2011-04-23T08:00:00.000-07:00

I've been struggling with being happy.

Kind of an existential thing. What am I here for, who am I, what do I want to do with the 2nd half of my life? Questions to myself of what kind of imprint I want to put into this world.

A little over a year ago, I had a very clear idea of this. I had a purpose, was overall quite happy. Driven, one could say. Then, the rug was pulled out from under me, as life does to us sometimes, and everything I thought I was doing right came into question.

I felt lost. I had lost myself in my purpose, or something like that. Or maybe, everything was just fine, but with such an unexpected life change, I have to start from scratch?

Nevertheless, I'm formulating a kind of life vision for what my truth is, and where my happiness comes from. I'm finding it to be a bit different criteria than I had before. So maybe it's good that life tossed me around a bit. It forced me to reset.

So, this is what I have so far, in putting my truth together of what makes me feel like I'm moving toward a full happy, satisfied, and whole existence. This is the first time I've attempted to write this down. Let's see where it goes.

Tools and Techniques for my Happiness and Personal Truth

- Spend time with happy people, who don't need to put me down, put others down, or create drama to relieve their pain. Surround myself with people who are at least one step ahead of me in the happiness department.

- Remove toxic people from my everyday life. (More on toxic people here.)

- Do hard things. Not arbitrarily hard things. Not make things that can be done easily into something complicated. Do things that are inherently harder than what I'm used to, that challenge me, that test my strength.

- Spend time with myself as an accepting friend - think/write about what I like, what I want, what I feel, how I do things. This involves meditation and spending time alone, and being OK with being alone, and being OK with who I am like I would be with a friend.

- Forgive myself for my mistakes. I've berated myself enough for what I've done.

- Let other people be responsible for their own feelings and actions. For me, this is an important one. It might sound strange, but I feel guilt when other people aren't happy or if they tell me their stories of woe. I feel the need to help fix their problems, or do something to make them feel happy. I'm thinking this has something to do with my childhood, but barring a blog-counseling session, let's just say it's a habit I picked up somewhere. Anyway, by allowing people their pain and fear and all the other emotions that make me uncomfortable, I will have less emotional work to do in general. My own emotions are enough work! This letting go of responsibility of other people's emotions also leads to less judgment, which leads to less angst, and more compassion. It's strange to realize that letting go of wanting to help people out of their emotions and letting them just have them even if they hurt gives me more compassion.

- Fully go through my grief. I have lost some important things, things most other people have, things I was promised and was not given. And I have missed out on opportunities that will never come around again. These missed opportunities and unpleasant losses hang with me, and a large part of this is because I have not allowed myself to grieve. Instead, I tried to be "strong" and to say it's no big deal, whatever. By not allowing myself to admit that these missing things hurt me, and I am struggling because of them, they sat and festered. I'm slowly unraveling some of the long-term pain I've been holding of what I've lost or missed, and each time I go a step further through grief, I feel happier and more whole.

- Sleep less. But better. I've change my sleeping habits. More on sleeping in a later post. But basically, I sleep less, and better, and I dream less intensely, too.

Some things I tried to do but only made me unhappy:

- Tried to not obsess. Doesn't work. I just get more disappointed with myself for not being strong enough. Instead, I've changed to accepting this obsessing business as part of who I am, and like a friend, comforting myself and listening gently through it all.

- Made a checklist of what I could do better. Again, didn't work. I did do some things better for a short while, and it felt good to make the list itself, but then I ended up just being who I am and disappointing myself yet again that I couldn't change enough for my own satisfaction. (Interestingly, letting go of the "do better" list, I'm making more changes.)

- Distract myself. Distraction works as a great tool in the immediate, when things are spiraling out of control. I distract myself when I need to keep from doing something hurtful to myself or others, or when my emotions are so hard and I feel trapped in the moment, like when I'm scared. But as a base-line approach, it masks the problem. Eventually, I have to deal with whatever happened or whatever emotion is there, and find some way to comfort myself, find solace, or resolve the emotion. Distraction is a great tool for the toolbox, but it doesn't work to deal with overall happiness.

That's what I got so far. I'm hoping through all this, I'll find a nice place to bob around for the next 40 years, with only a few blips here and there to deal with inevitable life stressors. If I can do that, and continue to do hard things, I'm thinking my life will be pretty awesome, and I'll do lots of great things along the way.

Identifying and Dealing with Toxic People

2011-04-22T08:00:00.000-07:00

I didn't really understand the concept of toxic people. It used to make me upset that people would look at other people and call them toxic. Everyone is trying their best and using what tools that have at the moment. I used to think that toxicity was a way to not be responsible for our own behavior and attitudes.

Then, well, I met a toxic person. I mean a really toxic person. Actually, looking back, now that I understand better what they are, I can see that I have had my fair share of toxic relationships, but had no idea what they were, and chalked it up to misunderstandings or my not being able to express myself clearly.

So I met a toxic person, and I was forced to deal with this person for a long time before the toxins became too strong and I had to extract myself from the relationship. I was becoming toxic myself. I was also becoming the shell of who I once was. I felt old, and worn out. I had to leave the relationship to heal and regain my strength.

But I want to be careful here. Although I believe there are toxic people, I do not believe they are "bad" people or that they are purposefully trying to do other people harm.

In every relationship, even with toxic people, we are responsible for 50% of the relationship. Now that I've had this experience, and I can look back and see what happened in some of my previous relationships, I can identify both the things toxic people do, and how I let them do it to me.

Toxic people aren't toxic to everyone. They need people to let them inject their toxins in order for them to do their (unintentional) damage. I can't change the toxic people in the world, but I can immunize myself, and take care of myself. One way to do that is to know what a toxic person is and how they make me feel, so as soon as I identify this kind of relationship, I can back away emotionally before anyone gets hurt. So far, so good.

Identifying Toxic People

There are several key elements to identifying when people are toxic to us. The first list is a series of behaviors that toxic people tend to exhibit. The second list is how we let these behaviors hurt us. The third is a list of tools I've found to be helpful in dealing with toxic relationships we find ourselves in.

What Toxic People Do

- Make drama. Life has natural drama, and dealing with that is hard. Sometimes we have to talk about things we don't want to, or do things we don't like. Toxic people make drama where there is no drama, and make the natural occurring drama worse.

- Use passive aggressive communication. We all do this once in a while. Toxic people do it often enough that it's part of their normal communication, especially when they are upset. Toxic people rarely speak directly about what is annoying them. With one exception...

- Lash out. When they aren't using passive aggressive remarks, they are lashing out. Lashing out can be yelling, cursing, raging, making fun of people, complaining, listing off your faults, even throwing or hitting things and making threats.

- Play victim. When they cannot get their way, instead of asking questions and finding out what is going on, toxic people play victim. They play the role so convincingly, it takes a person with a strong sense of self not to really wonder if they were indeed a really bad person. Again, we all see ourselves as victims from time to time. A toxic person uses this as a regular tool in their toolbox, and in conjunction with other actions on this list.

- Hot and cold. Sometimes you're on their good side, other times on their bad side. You never know. You have to tip toe around them and test the water each time to have a conversation with them. Their list of who they like and who they don't like is constantly changing.

- Play people against each other. Because they cannot simply ask for what they want, they use other people's wants and desires to get what they want. If that means playing them against each other, so be it. They take people aside, tell them what's wrong, split up friendships, and challenge your loyalty. They will often pick one person out as the scapegoat, and direct all ire at that person to distract you, especially if you are starting to question them about their behavior.

- No apologies. And if they do, you often wonder if they really apologized or not. "I'm sorry if you feel that way. I'm sorry that my personality bothers you. I'm sorry if you're an idiot."

- Refusal of responsibility. They slip and slide around answering questions that require them to be responsible (unless they have an answer that makes them look good, then they'll take great responsibility). If they are on the hook for something and they don't do it, they will not own up to it and instead find a way to weasel out of it.

- Blame. There is always someone to blame, and a toxic person always knows who it is. (And it's not them, or their friends, by the way.) Sometimes, it's clear who is at fault and whose responsibility it is to fix something. But a toxic person blames as a matter of course. Even when it's not important, there is always something or someone to blame. "Why is there so much traffic? Which idiot had an accident and is messing up my commute?" "Who stole my pen? I'm sure it was Joe, he's always stealing pens." "If you hadn't asked about the weather, it wouldn't be raining right now." If they blame people for little things, it's not a surprise what they do when big things happen.

- Prefer to work alone. Toxic people don't like how other people do things (except for their favorites, of course), and so really prefer to do it all themselves. They don't like anyone looking at what they are doing, or asking them for a report, or sharing. These are the kids who want the sandbox to themselves, and put a "members only" sign up, and they get to decide who is a member - for everything.

- Never, ever give up. Resilience and tenacity are a good trait in most people. By itself, and in conjunction with positive relationship traits like teamwork and work ethic, being willing to go the distance can be all the difference in a project. But with toxic people, they never give up on being right, being the winner, and never ever give up a position or ownership of a project. Unless it's a threat (fine! you want me to quit?) or it's been ripped from their cold, dead hands (I can't believe they forced me out and stole my project from me!), no matter how much people are saying what they are doing is hurting the group, other people, the project, or themselves, they don't give up. Again, they don't like to share, and they blame others, so why would they ever give anything up unless they were forced to?

What We Do to Allow Toxic People to be Toxic

- We give them the benefit of the doubt for too long. Once is a mistake, twice is bad luck, and three times is a pattern of behavior. Yet, those of us who want to keep the peace, we tend to overlook these "mistakes" until it's way too late. This is especially true if we are on their "good" list. We look at people's behavior, they look at people through the lenses of their approval, so we give them the benefit of the doubt even when we aren't being given the same courtesy. It's good to give people the benefit of the doubt, but also to remember moderation in all things.

- We are afraid to stand up to them. Toxic people are often the life of the party, but that also means they are vocal, unpredictable, and not easily embarrassed. If we stand up to them, we better be ready for a fight. Most of us don't want a fight, so we back down, and try to smooth things out. Switching to standing up for ourselves, instead of standing up to them, allows us to keep our boundaries while also not making it about the other person changing. We might still have to deal with a fight, but it's only one-way, while we simply state what we want and believe without fighting back.

- We get caught up in their story. Most people don't make up stories to protect themselves, so we assume that people aren't going to do that. So we believe their stories. Why wouldn't we? Without a healthy sense of doubt and willingness to ask for clarification and open communication, we are putting out a welcome mat for toxic people. They like people who don't challenge them, or ask them to be up front with what they are doing. They are also usually very strong story tellers, so it's easy to believe what they say about other people. If they expect you to believe them, and don't leave room for you to form your own opinion when we are on their good list, imagine what they will do when things aren't going well.

- We don't look at their history. They are more than willing to tell us their side of the story, which is always a good side, of course. They are victims, they had hard times, they were treated badly. Their history of who they've worked with, how they left the groups they worked with, and how much bad feeling was left after they left is something to pay attention to. Also, find out what the other side said. Not everyone is toxic if they had a rough history. But this is a strong indicator. Who are they working with now, who are their friends, how do they talk about their friends? Do they tell you about their ex-friends repeatedly? Do they look for sympathy about their family to everyone? Do they have any stories of people who they do treat well, and who treat them well, and people they've worked with who like them and where they have been successful? These are important questions to ask - when working with someone, forming a friendship, or dating. It's not conclusive to know their history, but if we don't ask, and take their side of the story without question, we are setting ourselves up to be in a potentially toxic relationship.

- We make assumptions about their intentions. When we assume their values are the same as ours, or that we have the same goals, we might be good in the beginning when things are pretty casual. But as time goes on, if we go along assuming we have the same goals and it becomes apparent that we don't, it's up to us to clarify that, even if it risks them not liking us anymore. Also, if it's a person who we never really liked, and we are always at odds, this assumption of common goals can make things worse, as a toxic person will assign another person's intentions as part of their discrediting scheme.

What Can We Do to Handle Toxic Relationships?

Toxic people are not fun to be around, but I'm learning, we don't have to be helpless.

- Remember that their toxicity is not about us. It might look and sound like it's about us, but it's not. We're just lucky enough to be their current target. Or, we let them push our buttons. But they will be who they are with or without us. (Look back on your toxic relationships. Did this person change and suddenly become a non-toxic person after you were no longer in the picture?)

- Let them be toxic. We aren't responsible for their actions or emotions. We are only responsible for ours. If they are toxic, it reflects badly on them, not us. If we let their actions get to us, that's where our work begins.

- Recognize when we have become toxic, too. It's easy to pick up toxic "fleas." The behaviors of a toxic person are human. It's the frequency and regularity of the behaviors that make it toxic. If we didn't use passive aggressive behavior very often before, but we find ourselves using it more and more now, we've allowed ourselves to start mirroring the very thing we don't like.

- Remember who we are and what we believe. They might be spiraling out of control, but we don't have to.

- Remember they are people, too. They might be hurting us, but they are people who are probably hurting more inside. We may never be able to be good friends, but we won't take it personally and be able to forgive them if we can see how they are hurting themselves as much as everyone else.

- Protect and regenerate ourselves. Emotionally and physically. Take care of our bodies, exercise, engage in hobbies, talk to people about topics other than the toxic person's encroachment on our lives, keep a clear and consistent gauge of our boundaries.

- Be willing to walk away. Know when enough is enough. Avoid threats of walking away, but simply know in our own minds what we can handle and what we can't. If we can't handle it, it doesn't mean we're not strong, even if they throw insults our way as we walk out the door. In fact, walking away can be one of the strongest things we can do.

- Learn to recognize and deal with emotional blackmail.

Toxic behavior is so frustrating, but when we learn to recognize it early, when we know how we invite it in, and when we know how to better deal with it, we aren't trapped anymore. We can change the world we live in by reducing the number of toxic relationships we have, and by not letting toxic people turn us into toxic people, too. All in all, this makes our lives easier, and the world a better place.

Namaste.

Enthusiastic, But Also Nervous

2011-04-21T14:00:00.000-07:00

I just found out that I will be Area Governor for our local Toastmasters district. Toastmasters is a non-profit organization where we practice communication and leadership skills. The meetings focus around public speaking, but there are many other aspects to the training, including project management and group leadership.

I'm looking forward to being an Area Governor, but I'm also nervous. It's something I've never done before. It requires a higher level of responsibility than being a president of a club. And I'll suddenly be working with a lot of people who I've never met.

On the other hand, I know enough people who have served as Area Governor, that I have mentors. There are also several other responsible people working with me, so I won't be doing this alone, or working against the grain.

Having a strong team of experienced and knowledgeable people is something I value in general, but I'm seeing that the higher up we go in responsibility and authority, how essential it is to seek out people who are smarter than we are, and who we can get help and advice from. This is not only true in an organization, but also in our personal lives. I'm experiencing that truth there as well, but that's for another post.

When we dare to grow, push ourselves out of our comfort zone, and do something brave, surrounding ourselves with people who can help makes it far easier to weather the challenges. Being brave alone is doable, but it's so, so much harder to push through without a support crew, especially in the long term.

This past year, I've questioned my strength, questioned whether I'm as brave as I thought I was, and questioned whether I had it in me to do things that are important. Accepting this position is a chance for me to explore this about myself again, to remind myself how strong, brave, and capable I am, while at the same time, doing something I enjoy.

I enjoy working with people to attain a common goal, I enjoy communicating, and I enjoy seeing people succeed. I also enjoy project management, getting things organized, and increasing efficiency. So, this role as the Area Governor should be a good positive challenge. It will also be a good chance to practice mindfulness, compassion, and acceptance.