Zimbabwe's Heroes and Villains

Villain: Joseph Msika

2009-08-06T16:34:00.000-07:00

Yay, another foul-mouthed, racist, bitter Zanu PFer dead. I wish the rest of the party of geriatric old incontinent, out-of-touch thieves would die too. These bastards stole the election, they stole our country, they stole our future. The world will be a better place with our 'liberators' safely entombed in heroes acre where they can do no more harm to our country.

So to Joe - I can joyously say good riddance. Judging from this eloquent elegy in the telegraph, you have a lot of sins to pay for... You should be ashamed that heroes acre will probably have to be re-branded 'villain's acre' by the next generation responsible for fixing the almighty mess you left us. To the rest of ZANU, my message is shut up and die already!

VILLAIN RATING: 3 TURDS

Zimbabwe TV: Prison sentence = Death Sentence

2009-04-05T11:24:00.000-07:00

Villain: Gideon Gono

2009-03-28T05:53:00.000-07:00

OK so this former tea-boy (Chai Wallah) has his own rags to riches story. Basically he made himself rich by stealing the reserve bank of Zimbabwe and dishing out the proceeds to his friends!

This is how it works. You have $10 dollars in your pocket. Gono prints $10 dollars without any goods and services to back it up. That means that Gono just stole $5 from your pocket-even though the note stayed there and retained its face value! Between 2006 and 2008, Gono repeated this trick 20,000,000 times!

He printed the currency out of existence and pocketed the proceeds. What is more amazing is how this crook isn't in jail. What he effectively did was break into every man woman and child's home and bank accounts and stole 99.9999999% of all their money! If that isn't the definition of a criminal I don't know what is.

For that my friends, Gono earns himself 5 really smelly terds... and hopefully life in jail once Biti is through with him!

VILLAIN RATING: 5 TURDS

Zimbabwe TV: Susan Tsvangirai Killed in Car Crash, Morgan Injured

2009-03-07T05:37:00.000-08:00

This piece from the New York Times is the best account out there right now. GOD HELP ZIMBABWE!

Bona Mugabe's House in Hong Kong

2009-02-15T08:38:00.000-08:00

View Larger Map

Zoom in and out using the left-hand tools. Courtesy of Google Earth and The Times Online

Zimabwe TV: Mugabe's Farm

2009-01-17T08:49:00.001-08:00

Villain: Perence Shiri

2009-01-17T07:56:00.000-08:00

This gentleman might look like a mentally-retarded, dictator's butt boy with a wide gape. But he is far more sinister, in fact, he is the Anti-Christ. This serial murderer oversaw the execution of 20,000 to 40,000 people in Matebeleland, Zimbabwe. Commonly known as Gukurahundi or the wind that blows away the chaff before the first rains.

He is currently the head of the air force and lives on a stolen farm where someone tried to shoot him recently. Unfortunately they missed his head and got him in the arm. The list of atrocities this man is personally responsible for has been well documented, and would represent at least 20 years in the Hague just to list them all.

This bastard is so evil and guilty they should just execute him and use the money they would save on his trial to compensate some of his victims.

VILLAIN RATING: 5 TURDS

Hero: Jestina Mukoko

2009-01-17T07:25:00.000-08:00

Mukoko is a former Zimbabwe Broadcasting Corporation staffer and now head of human rights organization Zimbabwe Peace Project (ZPP). The mission of ZPP is

"To document breaches of peace and provide peace building through a factual, dynamic and thematic ICP based Human Rights Monitoring system, disseminated to policy makers and stakeholders."

We hadn't really heard much about the Zimbabwe Peace Project, but when Mukoko was abducted from her home by Mugabe's thugs, she was propelled to instant celebrity status amongst the world's diplomatic community.

Right now Ms. Mkoko is facing charges of treason and plotting to overthrow Mugabe. If that were true we'd give her 5 gold stars, because clearly the dying despot needs a bullet in his head. However, me thinks that this is just a tried and tested Mugabe tactic to stop his opponents from doing their jobs by dragging them though courts stuffed with his boot-licking bastard judges. I can't wait till all the justices get thrown behind bars. I think the legal term for what Zimbabwean Judges do for a living is "accessory to the crime".

HERO RATING: 3 GOLD STARS

Hero: Jenni Williams

2008-06-04T16:50:00.000-07:00

In the year 2000, a fanciful "Guatemalan prophecy" circulated among some church groups in Zimbabwe. It predicted that Zimbabwe would be broken by hard times ahead, but that one day it would be rebuilt to become the "Switzerland of Africa". The tale spoke in particular of the role of the women of Zimbabwe liberating the country.

I may not be one for fanciful prophecies, but if any person could be identified as an effective woman leader, it is Jenni Williams, the director of Women of Zimbabwe Arise . She has been arrested more than her fair share and is currently in jail for trying to deliver a petition to the Zambian Embassy requesting stronger SADC intervention in a country bereft by post-election violence.

To ZanuPF - BACK OFF, arresting the messenger doesn't change the message. History will record for the shame and humiliation of you own children and grandchildren how your abhorrent excess led to the rape of this country and brutalization of its women. Think about it.

HERO RATING: 4 GOLD STARS

Villain: Martin Chedondo

2008-06-01T10:30:00.000-07:00

When you join the army or the police force in Zimbabwe, you pledge to serve the country and protect its citizens. And by all British colonial sensibilities, a gentlemen possesses nothing more powerful than his word. The commander of the Army Martin Chedondo just announced that he refuses to protect any citizens except for Mugabe, and branded peaceful MDC supporters as the militant destabilizing force in the country. Houston, we have a serious problem.

Chedondo took this stance a step further and just ordered his troops to vote for a president that has caused total collapse of the country. This is not just wrong "in a breaking of a gentlemen's promise sort of way", it is criminal. Hopefully the army employees have children, brothers and sisters that havn't died of AIDS, starvation, or been forced to emmigrate. I remain hopeful that our soldiers want to live in a country that is more than a dust bowl of bullet casings, rapid dictators and Thabo Mbeki's shit. Any soldier with half a brain, or a heart will therefore vote against their commanders orders.

Dog-headed wankers like Martin Chedondo have undermined their own credibility even more than Saddam Hussain's Comical Ali information minister. While all these developments point to a dinosaur regime on a one-way ticket to hell, that still doesn't mean that we should write Martin Chedondo off just yet - a dying dog can still bite.

VILLAIN RATING: FOUR TURDS

Villain: Augustine Chihuri

2008-04-26T13:27:00.000-07:00

OK, so this ugly fucker just told his boys that they could kill any MDC supporters and not face any consequences. That was also clearly the defacto policy that Chihuri, Zimbabwe's Chief of Police, has personally enforced for white farmers,their employees and MDC members since the year 2000. To date, no-one has been prosecuted for any of these appalling murder cases.

However, Mr. Chihuri clearly didn't get the memo that he is soon to be out of a job... Furthermore, when Tsvangirai is president, Chihuri will be more than out of a job, he'll be the one getting raped by babba in Chikarubi Prison.

Look Augy, if you are reading this, you'd better just save your precious dollars and go buy lots of vaseline. I'm sure that babba will want to give you extra-special treatment when you get to Chikarubi!

VILLAIN RATING: FOUR TURDS

Zimbabwe TV: Election Violence

2008-04-26T06:47:00.000-07:00

Martyrs: ZanuPF's murder victims 2008

2008-04-25T19:26:00.000-07:00

This is a roll of honor for all those MDC heroes who were needlessly murdered by ZanuPF thugs after the thugs lost Zimbabwe's 2008 elections.

Tapiwa Mumbwanda (57) - From Hurungwe West constituency in Mashonaland West province. He was attacked and murdered near his home by suspected Zanu PF activists on April 12. Hurungwe West is one of the areas hardest hit by political violence;

Murunde Tembo (age unknown) - From Mudzi North constituency in Mashonaland East province. He was brutally assaulted by suspected Zanu PF activists on April 15. He sustained serious injuries and broken legs. He died on his way to hospital;

Tatenda Chibika (age unknown) - From Mutoko East constituency in Mashonaland East province. He was shot and killed by Zanu PF supporter and war veteran Richard Makoni on April 17. The incident happened at Chibeta rural business centre in the constituency;

Moses Bashitiwayo (age unknown) - From Maramba-Pfungwe constituency in Mashonaland East province. Suspected Zanu PF supporters murdered him on April 17;

Moses Makiwa (age unknown) -- From Lower Watershed area in Wedza constituency in Mashonaland East province. He was brutally assaulted and killed by Zanu PF supporters. He was buried on 19 April in Wedza;

Brighton Mbwera Jr. (5) - From Manyika village in Uzumba constituency in Mashonaland East province. He was burnt to death after Zanu PF activists set a house he was sleeping in on fire on April 18. The Zanu PF activists forced the parents (who are members of the MDC) to bury their child’s body without a postmortem being done. However, police intervened and ordered the body exhumed so that a postmortem could be conducted.

The MDC is the source of all the information above.

Zimbabwe TV: Save a Rhino - Get Rid of Mugabe

2008-04-24T05:03:00.000-07:00

Hero: South African Transport and Allied Workers Union

2008-04-20T10:24:00.000-07:00

When Bob the mad psychopath Mugabe lost the most recent round of elections, he called his buddies in China. The Chinese are very familiar with techniques for crushing inconvenient democratic leanings of their people as demonstrated in Tibet and Tienanmen square.

So they sent mad Bob a ship containing three million rounds of ammunition for AK-47s, 1,500 rocket-propelled grenades and several thousand mortar rounds. It docked in South Africa for unloading, but when the South African Transport and Allied Workers Union found out what was going on, they did the right thing. They refused to unload the weapons destined to kill their Zimbabwean colleagues.

In this struggle there have been few examples of people just doing the right thing. If more Africans had the balls and conscience of South African Transport and Allied Workers Union, the world would be a better place. SADC and the UN - take notes, this small act was truly heroic.

HERO RATING: 4 GOLD STARS

Villain: George Chiweshe

2008-04-05T12:41:00.000-07:00

George is Mugabe's little butt-boy. A hand-picked brown-noser chosen first to be a judge and then the Chairperson of the Zimbabwe Electoral Commission. As such, George Chiweshe owes Mugabe his entire career. Being a good 'ol army man, the former Brigadier is well versed in the art of boot-licking and managed to do his Master proud by gerrymandering the 2005 elections and stealing them for Zanu-PF.

Recently though, Georgie failed his Master by not successfully rigging the elections in Zimbabwe. It appears that both George and his Master underestimated how unpopular they were. If he was smart, Georgie would realize that the game is over. Announcing the will of the Zimbabwean people would not only be the right thing to do, but it would keep him out of the firing line when Zanu-PF stooges finally get raked over the coals for their crimes over the last 28 years.

George Chiweshe is currently holding back the results of Zimbabwe's elections to buy his Defeated Master some time to start killing off everyone who didn't vote for him. Maybe if Mugabe can kill enough MDC supporters he will win a second-round run-off.

VILLAIN RATING: FOUR TURDS

Villain: Joseph Chinotimba

2008-02-16T11:57:00.000-08:00

You have to admit that anyone who issues death threats to a Supreme Court Justice in most countries must have a few screws loose. Joseph Chinotimba has more than a few screws loose - he has rabies. The self-appointed leader of the farm invasions in 2000 issues death threats to all kinds of people, including supreme court justice Gubbay who resigned in fear for his life. However, like most bullies, Chinotimba cries like a baby when anyone stands up to him.

This uneducated fuckwit couldn't hold down a job as a driver for the local city council was rewarded for these shenanigans. He was made the deputy president of the War Veterans association. Now the retarded nincompoop has given death threats to presidential candidate Simba Makoni - not a wise movement given that Makoni apparently commands the loyalty of a large dissenting faction within Zanu PF and the military.

When Tsvangirai does become president, I look forward to the restoration of the rule of law and the swift prosecution and life sentencing of this turd.

VILLAIN RATING: 5 TURDS

Hero or Villain? Simba Makoni

2008-02-16T11:27:00.000-08:00

Now this is a tough one to call. Simba Makoni seems to be well educated and a moderate force in ZANU PF. He is a key actor in the same organization that has destroyed Zimbabwe. Having realised that Zimbabwe is not really a livable country right now and that if Mugabe wins the next elections we'll all be hosed for another 8 years, he has decided to stand up to the geriatric old psychopath.

Some speculated that Mugabe may have instigated this himself, so that he could run against someone in the eventuality that the MDC pulled out of the elections. He could therefore claim that they were legitimate - in that time old tradition of window-dressing rigged elections with a veneer of "free and fair". However, given the vitreolic reaction of Zanu PF and Mutambara endorsement of Makoni, I'm going to take this one at face value and hope this causes a major Zanu split.

For endangering his life to stand up to a bastard dictator I give Simba Makoni one gold star, which may be retracted or expanded later, depending on how he performs.

HERO RATING: 1 GOLD STAR

Villain: Luis Amado

2007-11-25T11:14:00.000-08:00

Portugal's foreign minister - Luis Amado is awarded this week's Zimbabwe Villain award for being a naive, spineless little creep. Even though he admits that he would rather not have Mugabe accept his invitation to the EU-Africa summit he invited Mugabe anyway! Luis was basically given a choice, Gordon Brown or Mugabe. Hmm now that's a tough decision innit? Having the leader of one of the world's most powerful nations (Gordon Brown) attend - or Mugabe. Oh and to all those little snotty-nosed little African leaders who said they'd boycott to support Mugabe - Who ARE YOU KIDDING? You little worms wouldn't have given up a per-diem and shopping trip in Europe for anything.

I'm just livid - and fed up with blow-hards like Luis Amado who think that they are skilled negotiators and that the reason why no-one has healed the rift between Mugabe and the rest of the world is because the world lacked the right person to do it. Well I've got news for you Amado, Mugabe will chew you up and spit you out then crap on your carpet. I hope you enjoy the ride.

Judging from all the bad press, Luis Amado just had Mugabe crap on his carpet. So think of this as a little cherry on the pie!!

VILLAIN RATING: 1 TURD

Villain: Godfrey Chidyausiku

2007-11-12T18:31:00.000-08:00

When Mugabe fired the Supreme Court Justice Anthony Gubby for being white, he appointed this little worm (left) to fill his shoes. Godfrey Chidyausiku obsequiously slid into his new seat and rubber stamped a crappy constitution for the country. That was quite a nice little gesture of appreciation for Mugabe don't you think?

Chidyausiku allowed Mugabe to shit all over the constitution like it was a kitty-litter box, then had the nerve to rule that confiscating white-owned farm AND their belongings was perfectly legal and constitutional.

Godfrey Chidyausiku is currently trying to smuggle 'his' combine harvester and Massey Ferguson tractor across the Mozambican border so he can sell it back to its previous owners for US$, because the Zim dollars he gets paid with wouldn't buy him shit to smear on toilet paper. Phew this post stinks...

VILLAIN RATING: FOUR TURDS

Zimbabwe TV: Pius Ncube's famous 'I will die for my country' interview.

2007-11-08T05:28:00.000-08:00

Here is a lovely little You-Tube gem.

We love You Tube!

Villain: Thabo Mbeki

2007-11-04T13:36:00.000-08:00

Mbeki is an obsequious little hose-beast. His mention in this blog isn't just a self-gratifying red-herring, because without Mbeki's blind support of Mugabe, he wouldn't have lasted this long. Mbeki has helped to rally all the other African leaders around Mugabe and his statement that Zimbabwe's last rigged elections were "free and fair" should worry South Africans, because it shows how delusional he really is.

Mbeki clearly rates anti-colonialist rhetoric above truth, and quite frankly us "born-frees" are fed up with hapless African leaders blaming white people for their pathetic failures to lead countries blessed with abundant natural and human resources into prosperity. Mbeki needs to give it a break and be a man, or get a spine transplant.

Mbeki is currently rimming Mugabe's fetid anus. Why the MDC takes this disgustingly partisan little butt-boy seriously, God only knows.

VILLAIN RATING: 3 TURDS

Hero: Morgan Tsvangirai

2007-11-04T12:08:00.000-08:00

I have been a little reluctant to write a post about Morgan Tsvangirai and this is why: he has been beaten, threatened, physically and mentally abused by the regime. He has weathered a very stormy path and is a voice of dissent that has throughly rattled the regime. He has stood by some very respectable principles of non-violence and has been the only viable opposition member to seriously challenge Mugabe. That alone gives him hero status.

My real problem is that I wish he was a Martin-Luther King, Ghandi or Mandela, but he is not. A vision for a better future with him steering the boat just doesn't shine through, as hard as I look, but then I don't really know if a Mandella could do any better in his situation.

Tsvangirai is currently trying to negotiate some kind of deal with the devil (Zanu PF) that is being brokered by Mbeki, manage a fractured party, appease dissastisfied women and live up to incredibly high expectations from his beleagured fellow countrymen. I wouldn't want to be in his shoes for anything but wish him a lot of luck.

HERO RATING - 3 GOLD STARS

Zimbabwe TV: ZINASU Viva Zimbabwe

2007-10-06T06:21:00.000-07:00

An empowering song from the Zimbabwe National Student's Union and Women of Zimbabwe Arise as they demonstrate outside the South African embassy in the UK. This video gives the next generation hope.

Villain: Paul Mangwana

2007-09-30T07:52:00.000-07:00

Paul "Pack your bags and go" Mangwana is a mentally-retarded douche-bag. He just confiscated all the private businesses in Zimbabwe, presumably so that they can be taken over by other mental retards in his Zanu-PF party. He says that business owners have two options: 1) "pack your bags and go" or erm... 2) "pack your bags and go, but leave the keys on my kitchen table so I don't have to kick the door down when I come to pillage your companies empty shelves and rape your employees"

Someone should really save these poor helpless souls from themselves. Comrade "Pack your bags and go" clearly didn't get the memo that tax-payers pay his salary, not tax-evading Zanu-PF crooks. So I guess all I can say is enjoy eating your Zimbabwe dollars Mr. Mangwana - most of my Zimbabwean friends tell me that you can't even afford the ink to print the worthless shit.

Paul is currently in an insane asylum (formerly known as Zimbabwe) trying to eat his left foot.

VILLAIN RATING: 4 TURDS