Zombie: I am the real life living dead. Welcome to my world.

Take positive action

2013-01-09T11:22:00.003-06:00

I am getting ahold of myself to take positive action, I think I will try and get a small rowing machine, one which i can take out and put away easily. Rowing machines are supposed to be good for excercising all the muscles in the body so I can improve my strength. If I can start doing that in the mornings for 10 - 15 minutes each day I feel hopeful I can improve. Also, Hubby has had good news on the work front so I have a feeling this might be the begining of a sign of things to come.... I feel I should also clarify that last year was a pretty amazing year, although it was pretty stressful at times, we still managed to pull off a wedding in six months and have the most incredible honeymoon ever! That I cannot complain about! Borneo was the most unique, beautiful, strange and wonderful experience. I really am a very lucky lady indeed and I have an awful lot to be grateful for.

2013 better be good! Or else!

2013-01-07T15:32:00.001-06:00

So not the greatest start to 2013, I have had flu for the last 5 weeks and pretty much missed out on all the fun stuff over Christmas and New Year which in turn meant Hubby missed out too.... we have both ended up pretty fed up and miserable truth be known. I think, I think though that today I may be turning a corner and possibly feeling a bit better!!! I can't stand being unwell though - its a hang up from my long term illness that whenever I get ill, if lasts longer than two days I get really depressed. I heard a line in a film today which went along the lines of, 'death is easy, death is peaceful; Life is hard'. It's so true, life is hard, and even if you think positively which I try to do, sometimes its hard to see the breaks. I am struggling again truth be told, what with thinking about what to do about IVF and then also what am I doing with my life??? I just feel in a fog. I am finding it hard to get clarity on anything at the moment. I just don't know what I want and the trouble is I know I'm becoming more afraid. I'm afraid to get out there and live. Being unwell for so many weeks has made me physically very weak and the more I am physically weak, the more afraid I am. I get scared that I won't get fit again and that my body will just increasingly go into decline. I cannot let this happen. See how self pitying I am, its so selfish - I actually loathe talking this way. I never respected people who moaned and didn't just pick themselves up and get on with life, so how can I respect myself now? I must try and focus on all the good and precious things in my life. My husband for one. He is so special to me, he is honestly like an angel who has come into my life - I can't imagine not being with him now and we seem to fit together so well. I know above all else that I can be there for him.

Boyf and Lottie finally tie the knot!!!

2012-11-13T13:25:00.002-06:00

August and a very strange time (IVF)

2012-08-14T14:53:00.000-05:00

It has been a while since I posted here, so much has been going on in my life and I felt unable to write about it as it was so personal. We (Boyf and I) had started a journey. IVF. Its a strange journey, well, it was for me. It was our first attempt and I embarked on it without worry or even I think a thought for the final outcome. It seemed to me like a procedure very much like procedures I had undergone before, injections, medications and for me not a very big deal - that is, to physically do. What I didn't realise at the time was, on an unconscious level I had fully commited myself to this. Even though I kept reminding myself and others I had told that this may not work, I beleive now, I thought it would. I went throught the physical procedures and did everything I was told by the doctors, trusting in what was happening. Each step passed without troubles and the day the little egg was put back, I felt protective and wary but confident. Eleven days passed slowly, but gradually, I began to feel signs and indications of changes taking place. At the 9th and 10th day I even dared to look up what it might look like at this stage... we dared to share jokes about what we would do if I was pregnant. The 11th day came, the night before I was surprised at how anxious and nervous I was to find out the result of our wait, I was exhausted. We did the test. It was negative. I couldn't believe what I saw - how could it be right when I felt it, I knew it. I was dazed and felt very confused as was boyf. He could not understand either, we cuddled in each others arms and I don't know why but I tried hard not to cry. I felt like crying would be admitting that it had been something that I had very much wanted and had thought would work. It was a strange kind of grief, a grief for something that never was. Eventually we pulled ourselves together and a hot cup of tea soothed me. It was then I was still mulling over my confusion, at how I still felt, like I must be pregnant. I glanced again at the test. I jolted in my chest. There it was, two pink lines! We had made a mistake, we had looked too early! I had to be sure though, I got dressed and went straight to my car, I drove out to the chemist and bought two tests. The second test came up immediately as positive! We were so happy! I almost could not believe it. The delight filled me, I felt odd but special and caught up in this, we were unable not to tell family the news. Again I felt this protectiveness, self protection for what was inside me and I went about with this air that I was unable to do anything, let alone anything that might actually have been dangerous for my situation. For two days I felt like this, it was exciting and new. I was nervous and apprehensive, uncertain of what it would all mean and I daydreamed about our future. Two days passed but the second night, a heaviness came into my hips and I felt hot and uncomfortable. I slept restlessly. The morning came and I knew I didn't feel right, I decided to stay in bed but my heart already told what my body had already begun. I miscarried that day. I was overwhelmed by the sadness of it, the sadness I felt. I also did not want to admit how I felt. I had read about what you should do in this scenario - have a damn good cry, then get over it. It wasn't meant to be. I tried to console myself with finding out why a person may miscarry at such an early stage - it seems our body knows when something is not right with the egg - the potential child it will be, there are either not enough cromosones or too many. Its better this way, I know that. It didn't stop me feeling sad though and foolish. The weeks afterwards I felt oddly affected, a cloud seemed to be hanging over my head - I knew it wasn't the end we have another chance or chances - it was more than what had happened though. I realised that this child, the one I thought I wasn't desperate for, I had hoped it would fill a hole. I have this gaping hole in my life called fulifillment, or purpose, or meaning. This experience has lead me down a path where my soul has been laid bare and the reality is: I feel lost. I have been searching for myself and I truly don't know where to turn. The awful thing is, I know that I have to help myself, but even though I tell myself what I need to do, god its a struggle. I get up, I am taking myself to the gym. This is good and also something I must do help my own strength physically and in my bones. I am able to do this. What I am struggling with is motivating myself to do something else - something creative or just something else. I should be happy, and I am happy on one level - I couldn't ask to be with a better, more amazing, more supportive boyf. He is my strength at the moment. I have a beautiful wedding to look foward to and honeymoon to follow both of which I know will make my heart soar.... what I am scared of is what happens afterward.....what happens when the wedding is over.... I will need a new focus. We will try again at the IVF but second time around, I am more scared, and I don't think this can be my only focus... I need to find something else, but what? What? What? What?

My Hen do! How very surreal!

2012-06-30T16:27:00.000-05:00

Last weekend I had my Hen do in Bath and it was brilliant. I had a fab time, it was kind of surreal though, I can't quite believe I was the Hen! It's been a long time coming and it felt good. It's a strange kind of right of passage really, and although you see others out celebrating their own hen do's in their own way, you don't realise how much it means to you until you do it. The best part is having all your ladies around you and just having a laugh with them - everything else is peripheral. I think some of the best bits were getting my mumsie in a cocktail bar at 5.30 in the afternoon, something she has never done before, and admitted she actually quite enjoyed! 'Oo, it's Pimm's 'o' clock!'. The evening meal was fab too, we went to The King William Pub
(www.kingwilliampub.com) where we had our own private dining room. The food was delicious and Fiance had laid on *Surprise* (shouting) champagne! Not only that, but my sisters had put sparkles everywhere, gave me a silly veil and sash to wear, and had gone to the effort of putting together pass the parcel! I genuinely couldn't have asked for more. My friends were amazing too and all made an effort to make it special. Bath is such a pretty place and its historical architecture give it real atmosphere, there is so much to do there, well worth a visit.

Maisie my beautiful black cat

2012-05-31T07:49:00.002-05:00

Maisie first came to me when I was living in Reading. She adpoted me. She was a lively little thing, small, and very rounded. Round paws, round face and a round tummy! She loved to play - chasing string was a great game and she also loved it when you flicked a pen or pencil for her to chase. She would cunningly hide....wiggle her bottom....and pounce! She used to make us laugh! I have never seen a cat literally jump before either; she could literally 'boing' off all four feet. In the evenings she was a lap cat and she would love to cuddle up but bedtime was her favourite when she could snuggle right up against your legs. Of course in the morning when she woke up, it wasn't just time for her to get up, it was time for you to get up too.... standing right on top of you a furry face would be staring at you and a paw would reach round prod you on the head, then she would lean in and nibble your hair....little pesty. In her later life she was timid but she was always affectionate to me and my parents, particularly my mum who cared for her as much as I did. She was always a huge comfort to me when I was struggling and at the end when I knew she was struggling it was no longer kind or fair to prolong her life when she was no longer happy. I loved her very much and she will always have a special place in my heart. Be at peace now Maisie and we will miss you. xxxx

Fabulous d'ahlingk!

2012-04-26T06:54:00.001-05:00

Whilst planning my wedding I have been exploring various websites to find unique and beautiful accessories and I whole heartedly recommend Etsy. www.etsy.com It's a website that has lots of little boutique shops attached to it. You can find gorgeous vintage, handmade or upcycled items that no one else will have.... Honestly I can't get enough of this website! It's great for finding presents too, and the pricing is usually very good. Get nosing immediately!

This headpeice is from Twigs & Honey (Gorgeous shop name too) a featured seller on Etsy.

Bridezilla is perfectly acceptable.

2012-04-26T03:08:00.002-05:00

At the start of organising my wedding, I felt fine, in fact I thought I was pretty on it and stress free. A month later and I feel like my stomach has been tied up in knots and I'm struggling to eat! The wedding dress. I have bought one, but I can't stop these worries that its not the right one and its not going to be right and and and! It's just I think the reality has sunk in. Its a big day, it signifies a change in mine and boyfs lives. We will be married. It seeems to me there are four major things which are markers in your life; you are born, you get married, you have children or a child and you die. Simple. I have also realised over this process that I am quite a traditional person and I love the fact we have rituals in our human lives - we should mark special events and stick to our rituals and be proud of them, that's what makes us stand out, it makes us, as humans, interesting. Even though I am stressed now I am still looking forward to the big day - it's going to be epic. I don't think it should underestimated that this is a big thing though, it is a big deal and if I want to be a bridezilla, well, I am going to damn well enforce my right to be a bridezilla.

End of March already

2012-03-28T10:49:00.000-05:00

It's the end of March and the beginning of April signifying 6 months to our wedding day! I can't wait! Lots to do and to pay for - it's very expensive, even keeping costs to a minimum.... It will be a traditional day, we will be married in All Saints Church, Wokingham then we will have our reception at Bearwood college. It's exciting because I know it's absolutely right. I still feel the same about Boyf. (I'm not allowed to call him 'fiance' because Boyf can't stand that word - don't ask me why) since the day I met him - I love him sooooooo much. It's something to look forward to as I was disappointed with the results of my second opinion in London. The result is, all my medication is giving me the correct levels of everything I need but the reason I get tired out is because it's all synthetic. Pills and injections can never replace what the body would produce naturally, you don't realise how much your body is doing as you go about your daily life; if you need extra adrenaline, it knows it and gives it to you - mine won't. However, all this means is I just need to accept and adjust accordingly. I'm lucky I get all these drugs freeeeeeeeee! Goodness knows what you would do if you lived in America or a third world country - I guess you would die. I can't think about that, its another thing out of my control. Anyway I have plenty to think about and concentrate on now, not only the wedding but the hen do too! Whoop whoop! We are taking a trip to Bath, one of my favourite places, with my lovely ladies and there we will swan about and have lots of fun, fun, fun!

Sunday 19th February - a very important day!

2012-02-28T05:18:00.000-06:00

Boyf asked me to marry him!! OMG, soooooo excited. It was lovely and very romantic - I had been staying at my parents house for the weekend because my parents were away and I was looking after the cat. I arrived home sunday morning and couldn't get my key in the door, I was cursing and wondering what was going on when the door was opened by boyf... he had left his keys in the door.... 'whats going on?' I asked, 'I've changed the locks', he replied, cheeky monkey! Then he started say I needed to close my eyes and telling me that he had wanted to buy a new TV - something bigger and better.... I was thinking 'oh no, what have you done, we don't need another TV'.... so anyway I obliged and shut my eyes and he took me into the lounge. I opened my eyes and I was really surprised! There were beautiful flowers everywhere all displyed in vases and purple and white helium balloons with 'Our Wedding Day' on, so I could hardly mistake what was happening! You can imagine I was getting a little choked at this point, Boyf said...'um well, you know I'm not very good at this romantic stuff' and led me over to the kitchen table where there were more flowers, a bottle of champagne and a black box. 'Open it' he said. I opened the box and there was a beautiful diamond ring in the box - I could help myself I had a little cry and then gave him a huge hug and said I think you know the answer. I am so so happy and now all I can think about is wedding, wedding, wedding!

Hydrocortisone day curve test

2012-02-24T05:18:00.000-06:00

I had my hydrocortisone day curve test done again on Monday. I've had it before but it doesn't get any easier. We (my mum and I) had to be in London at the hospital for 9am so they could take the first blood smaple after my morning pill. (I take 10mg at 8am, 5 at noon, 5 at 5.30ish). They then take blood an hour before your pill and an hour after your pill so as you can imagine its a loooooong day. Last blood gets taken at 6.30. So you have to sit with a canulla in your arm which make it easier to take blood at intervals, although unfortunately my canulla stopped working for the last two bloods so we had to swap arms! I must admit I felt really depressed when I arrived at the hospital because I knew I was going to be there all day, but I had to keep telling myself it was worth it and reminding myself that this test was for a purpose and if something positive came from it it would all be for the greater good; ie I will be the best I can be. So far I have had lots of blood taken, new MRI scans done, this day curve test and last but not least will be a dexa scan which will check my bone density. 14th March I then go back to the endocrine specialist in Hammersmith hospital and discuss the results.... I am not going to hope for anything because I will set myself up for dissapointment, but at least I will know definitely that I am the best that I can be.

Lottie is getting her car back!

2012-02-22T11:30:00.000-06:00

So it would seem I am getting my car back; the insurance company refused to budge on thier pathetic offer and decided it was worth mending and giving back to me instead. To be honest its a bit of a releif, I was not ready to start looking for another car, the hassle of finding one you like and then taxing and insuring it is all a bit of a pain! So I can go back to normal again soon. Phew!

The car is a write off....Lottie vs the insurance company

2012-02-15T06:09:00.000-06:00

Gutted, my car is apparently a write off - the damage done by the chap who went into the back of me was a lotter greater than could be seen by eye. The whole back end has been crushed inside. So what happens next? The insurance company calls me to make me an offer of an amount they think is reasonable to get me a car of the same spec as the car I owned. This according to them was just £1600! I don't think so. Ok so it is quite an old car but it was in good condition, had four new tyres, a new gear box and had just been valeted! - All of that alone probably adds up to a good £1600. Also going onto Autotrader, trying to find a black 1.6 Privalege Clio of the same spec, even searching nationally is proving difficult. The insurance company found a 1.6 Clio but it is in Glasgow and is olive green with a brown interior! No wonder its going cheap! I don't know anyone who particularly wants a green car let alone an olive green one with a brown interior.... So alas its turning into a bit of a battle - me against the insurance company, let hope I win! Otherwise you may see me driving what I may have to call my new 'retro' car! Gaah!

My poor car!

2012-02-08T07:58:00.000-06:00

Yesterday afternoon someone crashed into the back of my car. I slowed and stopped for a red light and the guy behind me didn't stop! I took his details, but I wish I had had a better idea of what to do in this situation. Here are some steps you should follow in the event of a minor accident:

Steps

Look for the other driver's license plate number, make, and model. There's a chance that the other driver may drive off, so it's good to immediately look at the back of their car, say their license plate number out loud, and keep repeating it until you can write it down.
Turn on your hazard lights.
Call the police as soon as possible. You might be under the impression that the police is called only if it's a major car accident or if somebody's hurt, when in actuality the police should be called no matter how minor the accident, particularly if repairs are going to be needed. The police report will help the insurance companies determine who is responsible for paying.
- Ask the police if you should cautiously move the car out of the travel lane, if it will move and it is safe to do so. Do not move far lest the other driver think you are running away.
Get out of your car only if outside your car is reasonably safe or safer than in it. In a minor accident, your car is unlikely to be at risk of catching fire. Do not step out into fast-moving traffic--go out the opposite door if necessary. The police will be able to direct traffic away safely soon. Be especially careful at night. It is much better to have someone hit your car with you in it than to have him hit you unarmored. And it is much better to fail to attend to someone's minor injury very soon or to lose a witness who could say who should pay for car repairs than to have someone hit by a car.
Make sure nobody is hurt. Check yourself and the passengers in your vehicle for any injuries, scratches, bruises or disorientation.
Look for witnesses. If the accident happened in sight of a pedestrian, shop, or other drivers, ask them to stay on the scene until the police arrive so that they can provide statements. If possible, get their name and phone number.
Exchange information with the other driver. The following information should be exchanged:
- Names, addresses, telephone numbers
- Driver's license numbers
- Each driver's automobile insurance company (including name, address, phone number, and policy number)
Tell the police officer exactly what happened. Be specific and don't exaggerate.
File a claim or a notification with your insurance company. There are insurance claims and insurance notifications. The last one is when you do notify your insurance company about the accident but do not claim repairs of your car. Depending on how high your insurance access is you might save a lot of money and no-claim years too. Example: replacing an indicator light unit at a local garage instead of claiming it on an insurance might save you something like £250. But do notify your insurance company about the accident anyway!

Tattoo zapped for the second time!

2012-02-08T07:48:00.000-06:00

Ok so it looks pretty sore and red, and I'm not going to lie - it was pretty painful having this lasered. The tattoo is on my forearm so the skin is quite thin, it did bleed and blister but it's been a few days now and it has all scabbed over now. The lasering is a process so you don't see immediate results, the laser basically boils the ink which breaks it up into smaller particles; your body can then absorb and remove the ink particles. It should start to look a bit more faded in a couple of months time. I won't be having another zapping for about three months, this gives the skin a chance to completely heal and reduces the chance of scarring and skin damage. Also, the longer you leave it between treatments the more successful it will be. It's a pain both in the literal sense and the fact it takes so long but at least it can be done.

The funniest thing! My favourite YouTube video

2012-01-23T13:49:00.000-06:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nGeKSiCQkPw

I could watch this everyday, it makes me laugh every time - it's the small things! :))

If the link doesn't work go onto YouTube and search Talking Dog tease.

The Crab and Lobster; Sidlesham near Chichester

2012-01-23T13:42:00.000-06:00

Boyf and I stayed here last week for two nights; http://www.crab-lobster.co.uk/

It was a lovely place and great food, quite expensive restaurant but good quality. It's a very quiet area but it's a short drive from Chichester which is well worth a visit; there are great tea shops and the cathedral is worth looking round with some fantastic modern art. If you fancy a couple of easy nights away somewhere different, check it out....

After Christmas pinch

2012-01-09T10:45:00.000-06:00

Feeling a bit blue due to having no money after christmas, it's a lovely time of year but it quickly drains the coffers. I guess January is the time to be strict with yourself; no treats and eating healthily after a month of indulgence. It's just a bit pants, I will have to cross off the days one by one and hope it doesn't go too slowly. Nice things to look forward to though, going away to Pagham to stay at the crab and lobster for a couple of days, then seeing strictly come dancing live on the 28th. Will focus on these. Joy, joy, happy, happy!

January - a fresh new year, who knows what this year will bring??

2012-01-05T13:15:00.000-06:00

January feels a little strange at the moment, I'm uncertain as to what my future holds. I guess I know what I would like to happen but this relies on other people. I'll be 33 this year, when I think about my childhood I naively thought I would be married by 24 and having 4 children. Now I'm thinking, I'll be lucky to get married and it would be amazing if I even manage to have one child let alone 4! My work situation probably won't change unless something radical happens with my drugs. I'm going to Hammersmith Hospital endocrine unit on the 12th Jan for a second opinion and to see if they have any more ideas how I can be helped. My issue is, according to the psychologist testing, there is nothing wrong with my brain but when I get tired it only functions at 50% as any other normal person. The problem being I get tired an awful lot. How can I be confident performing a job when I could make loads of mistakes because I'm tired?? I know I should be grateful I am still alive after my operation all those years ago but, why did it have to make my pituitary non-functioning, it sucks to be in such a tiny proportion of people with this condition that there is no research. There are not enough people to be able to do research let alone get funding for it. It's an odd position to be in because its like having a limb missing but because its on the inside you look normal and no-one would ever know there was somthing wrong unless you told them. Of course I don't want sympathy, that is not the answer. I have to accept my situation and deal with it. I'm not sure that I will ever completely rid myself of the frustration though, the frustration of not being able to work and do a job I really enjoy. You don't realise how much confidence and independance a job gives you. I miss the feeling of self worth and being able to go out and spend my money guilt free on whatever I wanted with no justification to anyone else. I am so grateful for my boyf and my family, they are my life now and they bring me happiness every day. I don't know what a long term solution to my problem is, I am guessing to try and let it go and not worry about it, time does go quickly no matter what you do.

The Santa Special Steam Train, Alresford

2011-12-23T05:39:00.000-06:00

http://www.watercressline.co.uk/Events/Santa

If you are looking for ways to entertain your children, this is quite magical. You go on the Watercressline steam trains which are all traditional and beautifully decorated with christmas decorations , along the train line between Alresford and Medstead. Along the way Father Christmas comes along with his helpers and gives all the children a present appropriate for their age... the kids love it, it's so exciting for them and that makes it magical for all the adults... a worthwhile experience.

Christmas!

2011-12-22T11:31:00.000-06:00

It's Chriiistmassss! I can't quite beleive christmas has come around again, the year seems to go so fast. Looking forward to the christmas celebrations though and I love having the christmas tree up. I went with boyf to his christmas work do. It was cool apart from I'm never sure if I work my way through his colleagues like a social time bomb and there are always those akward moments when you get left with a couple who don't speak to you and you end up standing there like a lemon! Apart from that it was a right laugh!! I have high hopes for the new year too, it has got to be better than this year. I will be 33 next year and I think there are a few key things which would be nice to do. Hmmm I need to start writing my list!

Lake District Holiday!

2011-11-21T04:23:00.000-06:00

People don't usually holiday in November but I have to say if you are going to go anywhere, the Lakes is hard to beat. It is soo pituresque there, we stayed in a friends cottage in Coniston right at the foot of The Old Man of Coniston Mountain. It's a perfect location to get to Windermere, Ambleside, Hawkshead and all the other lovely places in the area. Here are some piccies:

This is the view from the kitchen window in the cottage - little peter rabbit jumping around whilst making morning cup o' tea!

Lake Coniston on the walk to Brantwood House (John Ruskin's House)

A couple of Goons we saw along the way!

Aww, snuggly sheepy...

A misleading picture of Boyf lighting the fire in the cottage - I was mainly in charge of the fires! ha ha!

The Jumping Jenny Gondola

Boyf taking driving the motorboat that went at 1 mile per hour very seriously.
Things you do need to be aware of are that all the national trust places shut beginning of November and it is a lot quieter there as its out of tourist season but, there is still plenty to do. Brantwood House, the aquaruim at lakeside, Ambleside, Kendal and Sizergh castle are good choices.... we had a good laugh and getting back to the cottage in the evening and lighting a cosy fire is lovely too.

Sally Morgan tonight!

2011-10-11T03:02:00.000-05:00

Going to see Psychic Sally at the hexagon tonight... totally intrigued to see what happens, she was accused of being a fake just recently in the papers but I have an open mind and having watched her show on TV I thought she was pretty convincing.

Feeling more positive

2011-10-09T07:50:00.000-05:00

Starting to feel in a more positive frame of mind, life is shifting back on plan and it feels goooood. Thank goodness! Love Boyf. so much, and the family has been awsome too. We have booked a lovely cottage in Coniston in the lake district for the second week of November so Boyf and I are really looking forward to that. We travel there on Guyfawkes night so I'm sure there will be fireworks going on! It's a beautiful place so I know we will have a nice break and we can chill out for a few days. We can visit Windermere, Ambleside and all those lovely places, and hopefully Brantwood House where John Ruskin used to love will have fireworks on!

Tick, tick, tick. A few things ticked off the list....

2011-10-07T09:48:00.000-05:00

Summer house painted. Tick. Garage Roof re-done. Tick. Getting the house tidier. Tick. Snakes cleaned out. Tick. Food shopping done. Tick. Ok so getting back in control a bit more. Still feeling very anxious but, getting there.... I think I know what makes me tired, it's the constant worrying, worrying about who you're letting down all the time. It may be Boyf or it may be a friend or it may be a family member but it's constant. Always I feel like I can't do enough.