Zombie Spot Reports

Zombie in Miami

2012-05-29T08:44:00.001-07:00

In case you haven't heard already, there has been a Zombie siting in Miami.

A man in Miami had been seen eating another dead man's face. The police fired a round the man was still unphased...

Here's the rest of the story. Allegedly, he was on LSD....

Zombieland "Sequel" Update

2012-05-13T15:26:00.003-07:00

Aside from the literary works of Max Brooks, Zombieland really sucked me into the Zombie Cultural phenomenon that has developed over the past several years. Last I heard -- which was probably about 6 months ago -- there were talks about making a Zombieland Sequel. There's only one thing that's been standing in the way -- JJ Abrams Micronauts. (Huh?) The main writers from Zombieland (Rhett Reese and Paul Wernick) were hired by Abrams to produce a script for the film, so that of course will cause a delay.

But there is some good news there: in addition to making a Zombieland sequel, there's going to be a TV series. The Z-Land production team is taking a very similar route that Mitchell Hurwitz did with the new Arrested Development TV series and film. While Hurwitz is using an all new 10 episode TV series prop up the film, it's uncertain whether or not this seems like the Z-Land Sequel route, but we can only hope.

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GI Joe Stop-Motion + Zombies = REALLY Cool Music Video

2012-05-04T08:12:00.001-07:00

I ran across this music video shortly after completing my own stop-motion film, GI JOE: Silent Killers, for the GI JOE Film Fest (http://www.gijoefest.com/). It's really well made. After making my own, I can appreciate the effort seen in this one. There is some puppetry, but it's so slight that it doesn't detract from the animation as a whole.

I still wait to hear back from the GI Joe Film Fest in 6 days. Until then -- enjoy "Zombie Zombie."

Mace: Shattering Generalizations since 1965

2012-05-01T11:36:00.000-07:00

This guy better pray that there's no Mace in the Zombie Apocalypse because this guy is royally screwed if he gets Maced in the face...

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Why I Don't Believe There Will Be Chaos in a Zombie Apocalypse

2012-05-01T10:30:00.004-07:00

I just want to predicate this by saying that while I do not think there will be absolute chaos after the Zombie Apocalypse; I do, however, believe that there will be some chaos in the immediate forefront. Only for a short period of time... and that's it.

The most popular idea about the Zombie Apocalypse is that society will fall and all of hell will break loose. "If the Zombies don't get me, someone will." False, I say. Why do I say so? Here's why.

While there might be a brief period of time where people might be thrown for a loop because the ZA has thrown off their normal routine, I highly doubt such an event will revolutionize the cultural norms that have dictated the way we execute moral and ethical decisions. The most practical example I can think of that can help bring light to this topic is The Fall of the Roman Empire.

Henri Pirenne: Not Sigmund Freud

I'd just like to say one thing before I dive right into this. I read Henri Pirenne's Mohammed & Charlemagne (I will attach a link to a book review down below, and I highly recommend Google Searching a PDF copy for it if you can't get a hard copy), and it has definitely influenced my opinion on this subject - and that is that the Dark Ages did not exist. The Dark Ages is described as this period of time when there was chaos and disorder following the fall of the Roman Empire.

So why do I believe the Dark Ages didn't exist? It's quite simple, really. That's because the Roman Empire didn't truly fall...

The historical narrative of the fall of the Roman Empire is that it took place in 476 AD.

False. Rome did not fall. The central government fell, but Rome did not truly fall. The Barbarians "invading" were a mere consequence of fighting conducted by Atila the Hun. According to Pirenne, the Barbarians were merely seeking to avoid Attila the Hun, which forced their hand to conduct two different sieges of Rome: they needed resources after facing Attila and other hordes. (Only one of these sieges would be responsible for its down fall.) And what a lot of people didn't really understand is that the Barbarians were actually great admirers of the Roman Empire. They liked it as it was.

Attila the Hun: Not a Zombie

So the Barbarians didn't truly invade: that's my first major counter-argument to the Fall of the Roman.

My second major counter-argument is that while the central government fell, the socio-economic infrastructure of the Roman Empire maintained its course. Roman roads were still being used. The main form of currency was still being exchanged. Even Governors still maintained power over their respective regions. (This is what would lead to serfdom.)

So really -- life didn't change for the every day person. Prior to 476 AD, Rome wasn't homogenous in terms of language. There were multiple cultures within its rule. The lynch pin, though, was the fact that the population was vastly Christian, which is why prior to Protestanism Europe was referred to as Christendom (especially during Crusader campaigns), and it's capital would be none other than Rome.

What does any of this have to do with the Zombie Apocalypse? Going back to the Roman Empire example, while the central government fell at the hands of a few "invaders", Rome was very much still in tact. Norms established previously had held the test of time, which was buffered by a unity of religion. Similarly, if the Federal Government disintegrates in the presence of a Zombie Apocalypse, the Constitution still has its value. It's a pure document, and is a great outline for how a free society should live. In the immediate scheme of things, the ones who try to fall towards chaos will be ajudicated properly because this doesn't mean that judicial system doesn't exist and it also doesn't mean that law enforcement doesn't exist. I don't believe there will be mass hysteria -- especially if people know there's a fighting chance of winning, and especially if we have institutions still in place. Afterall, our country has experience with controling movements that can get out of hand. Look at the 1992 Los Angeles Riots. Los Angeles is still where it is today, is it not? It wasn't a ZA, although I do believe that a ZA would be easy to control. Especially if you have Napalm handy.

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BOOK REVIEW
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http://www.webster.edu/~corbetre/personal/reading/pirenne-mohammed.html

This guy wouldn't survive the ZA

2012-04-30T12:17:00.004-07:00

I don't think this guy would last very long. He's tough(er) -- but I think his future is looking grim. Chuck Darwin would agree with me.

WARNING: VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED!

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The Zombie Apocalypse Personality Evaluation (BETA Version)

2012-04-26T09:54:00.000-07:00

At some point or another, we’ve all wondered whether or not we’d survive the Zombie Apocalypse (ZA). I took the time to try to understand why some would be successful while others would not. I’m sure I’m not the only one to wonder what it would take to survive the ZA, so I came up with a test...

I came up with the Zombie Apocalypse Personality Evaluation (ZAPE) after first thinking about which five personalities I thought would be some of the best to survive the Zombie Apocalypse. I also made sure that these five individuals came from various backgrounds.

After finding five good examples, I came up with the following criteria/attributes, which would determine success within the ZA.

Criteria of Success

Resourcefulness: This one speaks for itself in a lot of ways, but the basic understanding of the definition is the individual’s ability to quickly find a solution to a problem. I have interpreted this in a few ways.
Fearlessness: an individual’s ability to suppress his fears, doubts in order to achieve an objective.
Situational Awareness: an individual’s ability to use all of their senses and talents to understand the environment he is in at the present moment in time.
Physical Fitness: the status of an individual’s physique.
Mental Fitness: the status of an individual’s mental abilities as well as mental well-being.
Adaptability: the individual’s ability to adjust.

Now who were the five personalities that I chose? Here they and how they compared to one another:

Flip Flops: Zuckerberg's Achilles Heel

5) Mark Zuckerberg (8.5):

Founder and CEO of the social media giant Facebook, Mark Zuckerberg has made a name for himself quickly over the past decade. With a current net worth is $17.5 billion, the creation of Facebook made him the youngest billionaire on the planet.[1]

Zuckerberg earned an overall score of 8.5 (scoring table listed below). As the founder of Facebook, he has proven that he is not only incredibly smart, but also increasingly cunning, which are a few of the reasons why he earned a 10 in the categories of resourcefulness, situational awareness, mental fitness, and adaptability. Meanwhile, in the categories of fearlessness and physical fitness he scored a 7 and a 4 respectively. To make the risks he made to create Facebook were commendable; however, in the bigger scheme of things it’s not the most fearless thing he could’ve possibly done in his life. At the time he made Facebook, he wasn’t the most fearless of men walking the planet. He made Facebook in a time of war, when men and women in uniform were risking their lives day in and out overseas. I’m sure if he were co-located with any of our service members overseas, he would have done the same – but until he proves he can survive extremely dangerous situations, he's stuck with a 7.

With regards to his physical fitness – any time I think of Zuckerberg, I think of him as portrayed by Jesse Eisenberg from The Social Network. A dorky dude wearing Adidas swimming pool sandals. He’s not known for his physicality, but for his brains and his audacity – and that says a lot about him.

Millan in his natural state (i.e. Chaos): Calm and Submissive

4) Cesar Millan (9.3)

Awkward facial expression? That might be an accurate description of how you looked as soon as you read the Dog Whisperer’s name. So why him? It’s not just about his skills with dogs – that’s a microcosm to the big picture. I picked him because he understands natural order, which has enabled him to understand chaos in just about any situation. As someone who came to this country as an immigrant and is personally responsible for almost all of his own successes, he is definitely a very brave individual. These reasons, along with several others, are why Cesar scored a 10 in the categories of resourcefulness, situational awareness, mental fitness, and adaptability. He did fall a little bit short, however, in the categories of fearlessness and physical fitness (scoring an 8 in both categories). Like Zuckerberg, he’s not putting himself in the most dangerous of situations, but he has been known to mess with some of the worst dogs. Some of these dogs have been a danger to human beings, and he always rehabilitates these dogs by achieving his overall goal of “calm and submissive.” The only way he can enable a dog to rehabilitate to a submissive state is by forcing himself to remain calm, which he has proven to do so many times.

In terms of his physicality – his dedication towards helping dogs is quite extensive. Millan spends several hours every day (at least four according to his book Cesar's Way) ensuring that dogs under his care are incredibly fit; however, he is not an elite athlete, which is why he scored an 8.

McChrystal to Rambo: BREAK ROCKS!

3) GEN (Retired) Stanley McChrystal (9.3)

Without a doubt, Rolling Stones magazine is greatly responsible for McChrystal’s downfall – regardless of the amount of truth within the article. After reading the article, I was only re-affirmed what I already knew – that McChrystal was a bad ass, however, cynical. What does this have to do with the ZAPE? He scored a 9.3 – and not because he was a cynic necessarily. I think the cynicism describes how personally feels about jumping through "unnecessary political hoops" or tasks that are a waste of time. He’s not a politician, but more of a "salty sea dog," as I like to say; a real person whose life experiences would make your head explode. Let’s lay out all the chips from square one:

He was born in Fort Leavenworth, KS. For those of you who have seen Rambo II – and this isn’t far from the truth – that’s where the Army’s penitentiary is. Legend has it that McChrystal beat the crap out of Rambo when he wouldn’t break rocks with his sledgehammer… Allegedly.
McChyrstal has spent almost his entire career within Special Operations Command. Of the six brigade sized elements under which he served, only two of them weren’t Special Ops – and the two that weren’t were units where soldiers hump heavy rucksacks and run until the cows come home… for fun. Or at least he tried to make them think that way (which isn’t a bad thing.)
He is incredibly fit, especially for his age. This man doesn’t underwrite the necessity of staying in great physical shape. When you proceed to type the phrase “McChrystal runs” within the Google Search engine, Google has a default to immediately search for “McChrystal runs 7 to 8 miles a day.” Did I mention he’s 57? It makes me wonder what he was like when he was at his physical prime.
McChrystal’s only weaknesses were the categories situational awareness and adaptability, where he scored an 8. I might be cheating him out of 10s, but I expect a lot out him. The storm that was unleashed as a result of that The Rolling Stones article happened because he let his guard down, which ended up killing his career. He was awarded an 8 only because I cannot confirm whether or not he deliberately put himself in a position where the journalist would capture him at a “vulnerable” state. Really though—the dude is a complete bad ass, and when the Zombie Apocalypse takes place, whoever is within 100 meters of him should do alright.

Ball Hawk: nickname describing his level of play

2) Troy Polamalu (10)

For those that don’t know me, I am a diehard Pittsburgh Steelers fan, and likewise I am huge Troy Polamalu fan. If I was an NFL owner 10 years ago, and the NFL COMPLETELY re-drafted all of the players actively playing at the time – I would pick him first. The reasons that make him an awesome football player, are the reasons that make him an awesome person, the ideal person I BELIEVE would easily survive the Zombie Apocalypse. These reasons are as follows:

His dynamic playing style makes the Steelers defense incredibly difficult to read. Not only can he play the pass rush really well, but the seven-time Pro-Bowler has made clutch interceptions in some of the Steelers biggest games. Here are some videos demonstrating how flexible he is on the football field.

Steelers vs. Buffalo Bills - 2010
Steelers vs. Tennessee Titans – 2009
Steelers vs. Baltimore Ravens - 2010
Just YouTube search simple phrases "Troy Polamalu sack" or "Troy Polamalu intereception" and just count how many videos come up... his fearless playing style shows just how adaptable he his.

The most important reason why Polamalu scored so well on the ZAPE was simply because of how humble of a human being he is in the bigger scheme of things. He works hard in EVERY aspect of his life and is incredibly successful because of it. Here's a video demonstrating what kind of a person he is.

He is the peaceful warrior, and his discipline is unmatched by most of the people playing at the professional level. If you’re close to Troy Polamalu, you can guarantee that you’ll be quite alright in the ZA.

To sum up my reasoning for giving Troy Polamalu a perfect score: he not only is the lynch pin to the Pittsburgh Steelers defense (arguably the most consistently top-performing defense in the NFL today), but he’s a role model off the field, which is a by-product of his good nature and compatibility with social contracts (i.e. civil laws and statutes) of today’s world. Everyday, I learn something about him -- how he contributes to the Steelers on the field, the city of Pittsburgh off the field -- and his example continues to impress me. He’s that type of individual.

Bear Grylls: Man versus ALL Extreme Scenarios

1) Bear Grylls (10)
Surprised? You shouldn’t be. Did I cheat myself out of trying to find a more original example? Maybe. (NOTE: Survivor Man has not been forgotten. More on the differences between the two later...) But you can’t deny how capable this man is. If you’ve watched one episode of Man versus Wild, you know that he’s incredibly capable of adapting to any situation surrounding him. He knows how to live off of his surroundings, and he can make the most incapable individuals capable. In one episode, he “teamed up” with Will Ferrell.

(NOTE: Will Ferrell might be a comedian –and I realize in saying this it might kill the example – but he actually does kind of care about his own physical fitness and well-being AKA Google Search “Will Ferrell marathons”)

Grylls found solutions that not only enabled him to survive, but Ferrell as well. (Bear Grylls showed Will Ferrell that he brought two Twinkies as an emergency ration at the very beginning of the episode. Grylls walked away and Ferrell ate both immediately. Even as Ferrell made things difficult for them to survive, they still were very successful.) Bear Grylls is definitely a guy who lives in the top 1% in terms of being awesome at life. I’m sure the guy could write a comprehensive survival manual that the weakest could survive by just reading it.

Why is the ZAPE relevant?

The ZAPE is relevant because it enables us all to understand what attributes are the most important when there aren’t any “crutches” as provided by public establishments within society today. For whatever reason, the accepted narrative of the Zombie Apocalypse is that there won’t be a central government and that life will be in complete disorder and chaos. (For those that believe in a society that is completely dependent upon the existence of a strong central government, you might want to reconsider this belief. Do you think it wise to invest in something that is just going to disintegrate when you need it the most…? I'll discuss this at another time.) When order hits the metaphorical fan, the people that will survive are the ones that have a strong sense of order within themselves. I truly believe that these five people will do better than your average person in the Zombie Apocalypse not because they’re incredibly in shape, but because they’ve put themselves in positions where they’re level of vulnerability is incredibly low. These five individuals are strong willed, and I think the six criteria is what defines being strong willed.

NOTE TO THE READER: These five people aren't THE TOP FIVE of ALL THE PEOPLE in the world -- they're just good examples for the time being. You'll later see me throw in better examples, and -- for humor -- terrible examples.

SCORING TABLE:

Name	Resourcefulness	Fearless	Situational Awareness	Physically Fit	Mentally Fit	Adaptability	Score
Mark Zuckerberg	10	7	10	4	10	10	8.5
Cesar Millan	10	8	10	8	10	10	9.33333333
GEN (Ret.) Stanley McChrystal	10	10	8	10	10	8	9.33333333
Bear Grylls	10	10	10	10	10	10	10
Troy Polamalu	10	10	10	10	10	10	10

[1]http://www.forbes.com/profile/mark-zuckerberg/

Zombie Survival Tips

2012-04-19T21:40:00.001-07:00

Click on the links below for a more detailed explanation

1) Maintain Optimism
2) Maintain the (Moral) High Ground
3) 3 to 1

Zombie Survival Tip #3 - "3 to 1"

2012-04-19T21:31:00.001-07:00

With all the valuable training I’ve ever received throughout my time in the Army, the most valuable learning experience was definitely during my time at US Army Ranger School. The Ranger Instructors (RIs) consistently put you in scenarios where you have to think and react quickly. Most importantly, if you develop a good plan ahead of time, you don’t have to think. One of the most basic concepts I’ve ever learned was to understand the meaning of 3:1 ratio.

Ranger students and Instructors wading through the swamps of Florida in the vicinity of Eglin Air Force Base. Graduates are some of the most prepared individuals for the pending Zombie Apocalypse.

Sun Tzu: Zombie Killer

ALLEGEDLY the idea of 3:1 comes from Sun Tzu. I say allegedly because I have yet to find it in The Art of War, but more on that later.[1] Anyhow, this explains most of the stuff the US Army teaches and organizes down to the most basic level (i.e. Light Infantry Platoons have three squads.) Battle Drill 1A – the most basic drill taught to all maneuvering units in the field – breaks down the whole unit into three components: 2 assault elements, 1 supporting element.

To compensate for a loss in numbers, soldiers have a wide array of weapons to compensate for that shortcoming. In the basic Fire Team – composed of four soldiers – two soldiers will be equipped with the standard M4 assault rifle, one will have an M4 assault rifle with an M203 grenade launcher attached, and the last will be equipped with the M249 Squad Automatic Weapon (SAW). So how does this make for a shortcoming in physical numbers? Think of it in terms such as these: the most basic weapon in the Army is the M4. If you had 3 soldiers with an M4, the most ideal situation would be one enemy. If one of those soldiers had an M203, they could deal MORE damage than the three soldiers with just M4s. Now throw an M249 in the mix and you can multiply the combat effectiveness of that team even more so based on the capabilities of the SAW.

M249 Squad Automatic Weapon (SAW) – capable of firing at a rate of 850 rounds per minute.

What does this have to do with Zombies? EVERYTHING!

Zombies are no different than your typical enemy within a linear combat situation. They’re very reminiscent of the way the British and original American colonials fought during the American Revolution – open field, face to face. It’s very fortunate for the living that we no longer fight like that because we would wipe the floor with them. Zombies will walk out in a linear formation unbeknownst to their own undead psyche as soldiers did before the advent of (we’ll just call it for now--) “more modern combat.” They’re very much automated, which enables us to calculate their movements. They’re dictated by one thing only, and that is to eat the living. They don’t process choice like we do, but rather that one mandate. So while the option is still ours, we can still make choices to our advantage – including how to maneuver towards them or how to break contact.

If 3:1 is in your favor, then take advantage of it and try to destroy the Zombies. If it favors the Undead, then regroup before you waste anymore of your time.

[1]I eventually found a website called www.suntzusaid.com where he makes references of divisions in threes. You can read about it here: http://suntzusaid.com/book/7. I’m going to keep digging once I’m done here.

Zombie Survival Tip #2 – Always Keep the High Ground

2012-04-15T08:16:00.000-07:00

This one should be obvious, but in a very complex world this rule is often ignored. There are three ways to look at this: tactical, operational, and strategic. Sunflower seed, almond, walnut. Small, medium, large. Are we tracking so far?

Tactical Implications of Maintaining the High Ground in the Zombie Apocalypse: well, let’s just say how it is – Zombies can’t climb. They’re slow, unenergetic and LOVE gravitational pull (so to speak.) If you’ve ever gone backpacking and observed the great outdoors as I have (from mountaintops), I probably don’t need to explain to you why the high ground is so important. For those that haven’t – you can see more the higher you go. If this is something you already know, don’t take offense – I’m just reminding you of what you already know. So if you’re in a very pressing situation, upward and onward – and fast! Bottom-line-up-front (BLUF): Look after yourself now so you can do more tomorrow. Live today, fight tomorrow.

Operational Implications of Maintaining the High Ground in the Zombie Apocalypse: Establishing a ground network is very important. Let’s say you’re barricaded or fortified within a serious of two-story buildings. You could even say that these two-story buildings are two level homes. Zombies can’t climb – so what do you do? You completely shut off access to the first floor. Problem solved? Not quite. If you’re in a house that’s completely surrounded by Zombies – you’ve got nowhere to go. You’ve just painted yourself in a corner. (NOTE TO THE READER: DO NOT ESTABLISH YOURSELF IN A TWO-LEVEL HOME FOR A LENGTHY PERIOD OF TIME.) Realistically, find a corporate building, one that’s completely abandoned. If the water is running, you’re in luck – but don’t expect this water to last for a long time. If you’re lucky, it’ll last a week (a factor which is completely dependent upon how your city runs its water treatment facilities, etc. In other words, start looking it up!) If you’re in this building, you can spread out with large groups of people. If you have roof access, even better because you can grow crops from said rooftop provided you establish a sufficient irrigation system. You’re basically turning the building into a modern day medieval castle. The bigger the building, the longer you can hold out during the Zombie Apocalypse – but remember: you have to work, you have to plan, and you have to anticipate. To set up a large building – say the Sears Tower in Chicago, IL – would take MONTHS, if not a whole year! Remember my advice back in Tip #1 – you’re more likely to survive in greater numbers, and in this scenario that maxim couldn’t be truer. BLUF: Let’s get our hands dirty so we can make it to the next month.

Strategic Implications of Maintaining the High Ground in the Zombie Apocalypse: Let’s say you’ve successfully built up, maintained, and prepared three corporate buildings in an urban environment. How many years have passed? Two to four probably. If you’ve made it two years, you’re good to go. You might be bitter and miserable, but really – why should you be? Chuck Darwin is probably giving you the thumbs up with much approval, and he’s probably put his mortgage on you, betting that you’ll outlast the next 10 years. You’re definitely doing well, and you need ensure that you have social contracts in place to protect you. What am I talking about? Laws. Regulations. Good habits. If you’re in the United States, your best bet is probably to keep what everyone knows – or at least should know: The Constitution. It worked out for Europe when the Roman Empire fell – (that is if you believe Rome actually fell.) Governors still maintained control over their territories. Roman roads were still being used. Roman currency was still being exchanged. When the Zombie Apocalypse takes place (yes, I said when…) – there won’t be a central government as there was none at the fall of the Roman Empire. Some Americans believe that the Federal Government is always looking after these people – and you know what I call these people? Unprepared. Dead. Zombies. Darwin’s F Students. Hopefully, the Zombies will have taken care of a good number of these people, but we can only be so optimistic. That’s why you need to strongly adhere to your social contracts. If people don’t pull their weight, you might as well be dead. So stick to the moral high ground. Maintain that which is already established.

Technical notes:

1) When the Zombie Apocalypse first takes place, satellites will still be orbiting the Earth. GPS and UHF radio signals will still be pretty handy and they work best on the high ground. If established civilizations are still up and running, you’re more likely to establish communication with other people if you control the high ground.

Are you fit for the Zombie Apocalypse? "Run For Your Lives"

2012-04-06T11:39:00.001-07:00

Fitness is definitely key to ensure your own survival during the Zombie Apocalypse. Here's one event you can prepare yourself for to see how you'd fare during dawn of the dead...

CLICK HERE: RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!!!!

Zombie Survival Tip #1 - Maintain Optimism

2012-04-03T20:29:00.001-07:00

Let this advice guide you when the Zombie Apocalypse takes place.

Zombie Survival Tip #1 - Maintain Optimism

When the Zombie Apocalypse arrives, it will take everyone by surprise. An unpleasant surprise, no doubt, and the most unpleasant surprises will stress you out, which is why you must do everything you can to be optimistic.

This isn't to say that you should be so optimistic that you shouldn't be realistic at all (i.e. assuming that the apocalypse will end quickly.) Embrace the most terrible concept of this apocalypse, and then move on. Forget all that saddens you. All that disappoints you.

Embrace a new beginning, and a new opportunity to start new. If before the Apocalypse you once lived a life that was miserable and completely disappointing, then use this as a chance as a do-over. If, on the other hand, you lived an amazing life, then use this as a new beginning to recreate your past successes.

If you're religious, keep it near and dear. If you're not, give yourself purpose (if you haven't already.) Find whatever motivations you need to get you through to the next day, and I would highly recommend that you ensure that your motivations benefit not only you, but those around you - because in the end strength in numbers will help you.

Zombie Case Study video declassified

2012-04-03T20:10:00.000-07:00

This film was declassified following a lengthy AAR session at the Pentagon. More videos to follow....

Schools Back in Session, Some Close Immediately After Opening

2011-08-22T11:27:00.000-07:00

A recent advisory has gone out in the state of Texas warning families not to return to pick up their children so soon. Bad shipments of processed Texas beef have been used to feed some of these children at schools, which have turned schools into bio-hazardous areas. Children and school nurses have especially become sick - and while many of the nurses have not been consuming said beef, arriving in the form of hamburgers and cheeseburgers, they have been in contact with many of these ailing children. Nothing yet has been confirmed surrounding some of these schools - but it has been suspected that these children have indeed been biting some of the faculty and administration. Army National Guard units have immediately begun to activate elements to prevent anymore people from entering some of these schools... in the meanwhile, if you have children in some of these schools, try to contact them immediately as some of these schools have been quarantined.

The Sharks on Land

2011-07-29T10:45:00.000-07:00

Name: Eric Menendez

Date: 28 July 2010

Hometown: Stinson Beach, California

___________________________________________

Man, have I had a crazy night. It couldn’t have come at a crazier time, especially after that intense rainstorm we just had. For the past three, four days we’ve had some awesome surf! I’m talking 15 to 20 foot swells – consistently! Even the seals were grabbing a piece of the waves. I think that’s what they were waiting to do – beached up, all lazied up in the sun days before. I’m pretty sure they knew these waves were coming. It was actually kinda ridiculous… so I guess last night tops off all this craziness.

It wasn’t rainy at all that day, just incredibly overcast. The sky didn’t start to clear up until around five or six o’clock. Not until you could see that incredible amber sky – one of the true treasures of the pacific. There’s nothing more rewarding then just sitting on your board out away from the shore, away from people, taking in the ambience of the Pacific and all her beauty and just gaze at the most beautiful sight in the world. While stuff might be hectic on shore – like my job… or, at least finding one. It’s been painful searching for a job right now in the state, and I’m just trying to survive the economy. I’ve tried my damndest to find a job as a teacher, but so far “No Good.”

So I have two jobs: I’m either an on-call substitute teacher in San Francisco, or I’m in the local surf shop selling whatever keeps you out there to either enjoy the surf, or admire the treasure of the Pacific. Fortunately – and as painful as it’s been – I’ve made it work for the time being. It looks like surviving the economy is definitely a possibility.

When in times of duress, I think we all find ways to make even the most basic needs work – so long as we try. You’re probably wondering right now – “What about last night?” Everything about last night has everything to do with surviving. COMPLETELY.

So I’m at Smiley’s Saloon recuperating from a good day’s worth of surf (I took the liberty to have some sick days saved up for when some paramount clouds like these would roll in so I could totally take up the surf… I’m glad I did because it was awesome. These were days worth living.) I’m there sipping back a couple of Bud Lights – from the bottle of course because there’s nothing on tap there – when this very unrighteous chick starts hitting on me (I don’t think there were enough beers in Smiley’s to make this chick righteous on any level.) I kindly acknowledge her presence, but eventually leave. The girl-to-guy ratio isn’t usually in the guy’s favor there anyway– the d-bags are always on the scene circling the poor, good-looking girls like sharks in the Red Triangle just at the beaches nearby. I don’t understand why women would subject themselves so easily like that. That bar could really use a “Ladies Night” more often… but anyways, I’m leaving the bar and Miss Unrighteous comes storming out worse than El Niño. I’m thinking, “Oh great… a drunk stalker.” Definitely the last time I go to a bar without a wingman.

Anyway, I make my way back to my car and she just corners me at my car, and straight up grabs my dick. “Whoa! I can tell you’re not a woman who likes foreplay!” Ms. Niño replies with, “I’m like you: I just go straight for the surf!” Holy fuck… this bitch is crazy! At this point I’m extremely uncomfortable, and the only way out of this situation is “through the eye of the storm.” No, not sex. (Dear God, no: I’m a man of wealth and taste.) Not with this chick. Instead - I grab her, and make out with her. Bam! Her defenses went down. She totally didn’t see that coming. Her eyes were totally shut and then I just took off down the street before she could realize what happened… I ran two blocks down, and across the street just to keep eyes on this chick and then luck was literally around the corner. Right when she realized I was gone, she just broke down into a drunken mess right in front of my car… she was on her knees crying her eyes out. It was embarrassing. Ughh…. This would mean I would have to wait for her to leave. She looked up though – and this guy was just strolling right up to her. Man, when I saw this guy first glance, I could’ve sworn he was at least as drunk as she was. Very slow. Very lackadaisical. He didn’t say anything though – but I didn’t think twice. I’ve met my share of silent drunks… to include those that have puked on me. Speaking of which, that’s what she did. Thank God I ditched this bitch… but the weird part about this was this guy just kept walking towards her… slowly. Dragging his drunk feet. This guy has GOT to be drunker than her.

Anyway, what happens next is totally unexpected – as Mr. Drunky turns out to be Mr. Hannibal and straight up bites Ms. Niño! She screamed briefly, but not for long. I was in horror! Thank God I was sober enough to see what was going on… I quickly sprinted over to see what the hell this guy was doing to her, and he was eating her! And I thought the most vicious creatures were out in the Red Triangle, not in Bolinas. Holy Fuck! Hannibal Lecter sees me and – before I even realize it – he lunges right at me! (If you’ve ever wondered that it’s possible to shit yourself when you’re scared – yes, it is very possible! It was no longer a theory after that moment.) I just took off running down Wharf and wouldn’t stop. I was like Gump – I ran like there was no tomorrow. And then I realized that I made something of a mistake… a slight mistake: I ran towards the Wharf! I was in so much of a panic that I didn’t even realize where I was going. Fuck me, man! Right when I turned around to look for a way out, Hannibal runs right into me and we fly right into the water!

I’m trying to swim away from him, but he’s got me by the shirt on my back. This dude is either going to eat me, or I’m going to drown. There’s no way out of this one… and I’m struggling to get away. He’s ripping at my shirt. He’s sinking. I’m struggling. The seals beached across the way on the shore are barking. I’m fucked! Then the unbelievable happens… a shark comes in and nabs this guy! It was ridiculous! A grey smooth-hound shark just comes in and attacks this guy instantly –shortly followed by a second one. They escorted him down deeper in the water, except for the arm that was grabbing my shirt.

So while this guy is struggling with these two fighters just off the Wharf, I’m swimming faster than Michael Phelps in 2008. I make it to shore, and the seals are still barking… mostly at the sharks, but also at me. And then I realized why. The guy’s arm was on my back.

Without any hesitation, I threw my shirt off. I took a good look at the arm – and it was decaying…or… decayed? It looked like it had been decaying for quite some time, and to this day I haven’t got a clue. The guy eating poor Ms. Niño was… dying? Suffering from some weird case of necrosis? He ate her up really well… just like the shark at him up.

The ambulance eventually came for the girl. I would file a sworn statement with the local police, describing the tragedy of Ms. Niño. She was just another person. She eventually died… but then re-animated and survived. Before anyone else knew what to make of her “condition,” two-thirds of the hospital was re-animated. This pushed the downfall of Northern California. Right when I thought my life was saved by the worst known predators of the Red Triangle, the real threat was on land… waiting for me.

I guess really all I have to say at this point is, “Thank God I’m still alive! Thank God for the sharks in the Red Triangle!” I give myself every pat on the back I can give for surviving this economy, but maybe that’s been a sign all along to get out of California - to seek better opportunities! To avoid certain death, destruction and chaos… I’d better make a decision soon. San Francisco looks as though it’s about to come crashing down faster than those waves did!

EMAIL INTERCEPTED - DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY

2011-07-22T12:13:00.000-07:00

DATE: 0411 20 MAY 2011

FROM: Mr. Thompson, Kenneth R. CIV USDHS (PAC-E-OPS)

TO: Mrs. O'Brien, Jennifer CIV USDHS (PAC)

SUBJECT: Medical Evaluation following incident located at LW XXXX YYYY. [TS - URGENT!]

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Mrs. O'Brien--

-- We're still investigating what happened to the young man who may unknowingly be a host of some sorts. We're not sure what exactly it is, but we suspect this may in fact be a real case of bio-terrorism that has taken place on American soil. In the meanwhile, we're looking to isolate the area to not only prevent anything from spreading, but also to search for more clues as to how this happened. The young man said he came in contact with a disabled homeless man who crawled up and bit him. Our only way of actually knowing is searching for this same man. We're looking to dispatch an elite military unit with some of our investigators in the next few hours. More to follow.

In the meanwhile, I've attached the medical evaluation (See below my signature) from one of our surgeons down at our medical facility that conducted the procedure on the young man. He's subdued right now from all the morphine they administered to him. A security detail will be watching him in the next three hours until he is re-evaluated. The young man might be blind in his right eye as a result of what happened to him, and the surgeon said he might need a fibrosis procedure to take place in order to replace the dead tissue as a result of the necrosis.

Very Respectfully,
Ken Thompson
Chief of Operations
USDHS PAC-E-OPS

-----------------------------------

ATTACHMENT: MEDICAL EVALUATION - 20 MAY 2011

Transcript from Zombie Interrogation... I think...?

2011-07-20T10:47:00.000-07:00

Submitted to our group from someone working within our nation's capital: 

"I'm a custodian over at the Department of Homeland Security in Washington, D.C. and I found this document sitting right next to a paper shredder. I have the proper credentials to be in the building to begin with, but... I think someone just got really lazy or something. I think the paper shredder was broken. I think. When I turned it on, it made some loud crunching noises. Then I heard someone coming, so I freaked out and just took off with this... I can't tell if this is some sort of joke or what. I know people make stuff up around the work area, but I don't know about this one, especially after all of the outbreaks going around. Like E. Coli. Recently - in case you haven't heard - E. Coli has been spreading around Europe and some people have been dropping like flies! It's really bad. Just Google "E. Coli Europe spreading" and see what pops up... I ran across this article, and you can only suspect what's happening on the other side of the world... this document doesn't sit well with me. I think I know what it might mean, but I'm not incredibly sure.

It could be a joke! I hope it is!"