Zombies Can Dunk

Video of the Day: Ian Eagle Slips A Seinfeld Reference Into His Game Winner Call

Zombiescandunk@gmail.com (Zombies Can Dunk) — Fri, 14 Dec 2012 21:01:00 -0800

What was supposed to be a snooze-fest of a game between between the Nets and Pistons in Brooklyn tonight, ended up in an exciting double overtime thriller, completed by a Joe Johnson winner at the buzzer. With Jerry Seinfeld sitting courtside, play-by-play man Ian Eagle from YES decided to throw this 19 year old TV reference into his call:

Obviously Greg Anthony has never watched an episode of Seinfeld in his life. I'm not sure making references to TV shows from the previous century is in Jay-Z's plans for the Nets to take over New York...

Every NFL Team's Fans in 90 Seconds

Zombiescandunk@gmail.com (Zombies Can Dunk) — Mon, 10 Sep 2012 13:43:00 -0700

It's been a while since posting...so long in fact that many of you probably thought we were either enormous successes that were too big to write for this blog or dead. The good news is that we are both.

How to explain our return if life has put up various roadblocks to us posting? As Jeff Goldblum said in Jurassic Park, "Sometimes nature, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah finds a way."

Hey, here is a Every NFL Team's Fans in 90 seconds. Excuse the piss poor audio quality:

Zombies Can Dunk's Jordan Geary To Have TV Show On NBC Sports

Zombiescandunk@gmail.com (Zombies Can Dunk) — Wed, 15 Feb 2012 11:44:00 -0800

Been a busy couple of months between jokes about Derrick Rose's Poodini tattoo because I've been working with a slew of talented people on a television show I created and will be hosting on NBC Sports this Fall called "Out Of My League".

In Out Of My League, we take athletes and make them perform a skill they have outside of sports in front of a live audience. Mostly, it's taking self-assured athletes and ripping them out of their comfort zones.

Here is a preview of the first episode we did, starring the Phoenix Suns' Jared Dudley. After watching, you too will agree that my skin is a truly ghastly shade of white:

Despite what you think, not Everyone Has Linsanity

Zombiescandunk@gmail.com (Zombies Can Dunk) — Wed, 15 Feb 2012 11:27:00 -0800

Never has there been a more perfect depiction of what the NBA players on the court with Jeremy Lin are thinking:

Thanks to artist Mike Scanlon.

We are Mesmerized by this Hand Shake

Zombiescandunk@gmail.com (Zombies Can Dunk) — Tue, 7 Feb 2012 10:20:00 -0800

You thought baseball players had complex hand shakes?! It looks they're coaching each other throughout.

Jeremy Lin's Swag Is Electric

Zombiescandunk@gmail.com (Zombies Can Dunk) — Mon, 6 Feb 2012 19:36:00 -0800

Holy crapoli. It has been a long time since I've enjoyed watching a player as much as I enjoyed watching Jeremy Lin tonight. He is like an asian Steve Nash, but with the youthful exuberance of some kid who happened to get picked out of the stands and told he was playing in the NBA tonight.

Enough words! Check out this post three-pointer-at-the-buzzer swagger, and you'll see what I mean:

Big Baby Needs a Diaper Change

Zombiescandunk@gmail.com (Zombies Can Dunk) — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 08:01:00 -0800

In the NFL, this would get a 6 game suspension. This is why I love the NBA.

Breaking News: The NBA Is Now Pro Wrestling

Zombiescandunk@gmail.com (Zombies Can Dunk) — Fri, 9 Dec 2011 19:01:00 -0800

In revolting and AWESOME news, the NBA revealed its full transition from legit sport to pro wrestling league after commissioner David Stern dropped down from the rafters during a 3-team trade/loser-leaves-town match and cold-cocked New Orleans Hornets GM, Dell Demps, with a foreign object he pulled out from underneath the tarp. After going from one side of the ring to the other, cupping his hand to his ear, the newly crowned Intercontinental Champion addressed the crowd:

X-Pac! Me and my brutha, Koko B. Ware, are comin' after you, brutha! No mo' hidin'! At Summer Slam, The Birdman and I are gonna rain slaps down upon the chests of you and The Honky Tonk Man, with the power and ferocity of which no tag-team has ever done before. The XL Center in Hartford, Connecticut will be rocking! Woo!

Deputy commissioner, The Rock, and president of league operations, The Iron Sheik, earlier in the day handed down fines today in the form of The People's Elbow and The Camel Clutch to Cavs owner, Dan Gilbert, to "make him humble" after being a "candy ass" for writing another letter in crayon to the league's office.

In the bowels of the arena, the conniving manager and NJ/Brooklyn Nets owner, Mikhail Prokhorov, was seen strategizing with GM, Gold Dust, how to distract the overweight referee from noticing Gold Dust's performing his signature move, The Shattered Dreams, on weary Magic coach, Stan Van Gundy, and tampering with Dwight Howard.

Just before the telecast ended, basketball fans were shocked and amazed by the latest purchase of The Million Dollar Man, Ted Debiase. It was the one true love of Bobcats owner, Michael Jordan: Charles Oakley. Sideline reporter, Abdullah The Butcher, just silently stared into the camera.

Zombies Can Dunk...And Tweet!

Zombiescandunk@gmail.com (Zombies Can Dunk) — Wed, 21 Sep 2011 08:11:00 -0700

While the site has been quiet for a wee bit, there is a lot of fun stuff planned for the latter part of the year, including more moronic podcasts, photos of people making fools of themselves, and more.

In the meantime, follow us on twitter here!

THEJordanGeary

And

@windupbird13831

ZCD Podcast 006: A Night Out With TNA Wrestler Christopher Daniels

Zombiescandunk@gmail.com (Zombies Can Dunk) — Sat, 9 Jul 2011 22:20:00 -0700

In episode 6, Jordan, Taylor and Ben attend a Ring Of Honor wrestling show, and spend the rest of the night partying with TNA wrestler "The Fallen Angel" Christopher Daniels. Chaos, wrestling injuries, and mounds and mounds of sushi ensue. Do a back flip off of the top ropes and then take a listen!!!

Podcast Powered By Podbean

Live Blogging: 2011 NBA Draft

Zombiescandunk@gmail.com (Zombies Can Dunk) — Thu, 23 Jun 2011 16:10:00 -0700

10:22 This is the loudest applause that Adam Silver has ever gotten. And this ends the live coverage. Impressions? Minnesota still has zero idea what it's doing.

9:49 ESPN has been so far behind Twitter on their reporting. It's getting annoying.

9:40 The dog has been farting like crazy. Must not be happy with any of these picks.

9:11 Why they don't show the Isiah's a bum video from 2007 whenever the Knicks make a pick every year is beyond me.

9:01 Nice prom tux Kawhi! (Also, why is his pinky all mangled?)

8:48 What is happening with Marcus Morris' pocket square? It seems to be growing exponentially.

8:39 If you want draft coverage that's slightly less funny than me in the other internet tab, follow the Ball Don't Lie live chat.

8:23 In serious news, Ron Artest wants to change his name to Metta World Peace.

8:12 BIZ! (Fran, so you're telling me they just drafted a taller Joel Anthony with the #7 pick?)

8:04 Jonas Valanciunas: Opulence. I has it. (Kisses mini giraffe).

8:02 Just let out a big YES after this Toronto pick. I was just rooting that Kemba not get exiled to Canada.

7:59 Mark Jones seems to keep having his mic dumped. He must be swearing like crazy.

7:57 Bilas is killing me. Where's the "length" references?

7: 46 Where are the ridiculous suits? Why do they look so professional?

7:37 Kyrie is hearing all of this from the ESPN crew, yes? That seemed like a very nervous sip of water.

7:33 I love the booing. Big shout out to NJ!

7:23 Someone please find the vampire who bit Rachel Nichols before she infects the entire war room.

7:17 Zombies Can Dunk exclusive: With the first pick, the Cavs will draft Whitey Bulger because when he flees town at least no one will be pissed.

7:12 Angry contributor, Jay Breuer, makes his first contribution tonight: "Pace" is the new "length" for Jay Bilas this year.

7:11 Stuart Scott is not loud enough to make us care yet. Give him time

Otis Smith...Let's Make A Deal!

Zombiescandunk@gmail.com (Zombies Can Dunk) — Thu, 23 Jun 2011 13:47:00 -0700

The NBA Draft is tonight! With Dwight Howard needing some help in Orlando (or else he is pulling a Shaq and RUNNING out of there), what do you think the chances are that Otis Smith, GM of the Magic, makes a move? For his job security, I'll guess 100%.

Here is an eye into the Orlando Magic Otis Smith situation room...

Not So Fast. Mr. Goalie. You Might Want To Look Behind You

Zombiescandunk@gmail.com (Zombies Can Dunk) — Fri, 10 Jun 2011 09:52:00 -0700

This site has never written about Italian soccer, so you know something interesting happened. In the seventh division playoff between Dro and Termeno during a shootout to decide which club would win promotion, a goalie learned a valuable lesson about celebrating too early:

In case you missed it, yes that is the ball somehow defying the laws of physics to spin backwards into the goal, which the team would not have won without. Soccer gods are powerful beings.

Rampage Jackson Is Amazing

Zombiescandunk@gmail.com (Zombies Can Dunk) — Wed, 8 Jun 2011 19:43:00 -0700

Yay for motorboating...

Avery Johnson Weighs In

Zombiescandunk@gmail.com (Zombies Can Dunk) — Wed, 25 May 2011 09:18:00 -0700

I've seen a lot of animated gifs that make me all happy and fuzzy inside, but this one is my new favorite.

Basically, you ask a question, and the Avery Johnson Decider lets you know if you made a good point.

For instance:

"Avery, what do you think of the idea of four supermodels, in a jacuzzi, all with bottles of champagne and strawberries?"

He likes it! Avery likes it!

NOOOOO!!!! Macho Man!!!!!!

Zombiescandunk@gmail.com (Zombies Can Dunk) — Fri, 20 May 2011 11:33:00 -0700

Word is that Macho Man Randy Savage has passed away. This is like learning that the sun will no longer shine. Macho Man was one of the most ridiculous figures in wrestling history, which is saying something, but was also one of the most beloved.

Even crazier, he died the way he lived...in spectacularly over the top fashion:

The 58-year-old Savage reportedly suffered a heart attack while driving his 2009 Jeep Wrangler in Tampa, Fla., and careened across lanes of oncoming traffic before colliding head-on with a tree. He died later at a local hospital.

Our hearts go out to his family and his fans. Tonight we will look to the sky and say, "The tower of power, too sweet to be sour, funky like a monkey, OH YEAAAAAAHHH!"

It's Guy Christmas!

Zombiescandunk@gmail.com (Zombies Can Dunk) — Thu, 28 Apr 2011 09:33:00 -0700

Tonight is the NFL draft, the day that every guy looks forward to a year more than any other. It's also the day that Miami Dolphins fans like myself call, "The day when you punch a hole in your television."

The Dolphins, you see, are incredibly skilled at making draft picks that their fans hate. It would be one thing if the draft picks proved fans wrong once in a while...but all you have to do is look at the wikipedia page of Pat White to understand their track record. It's awful. The original Trail Of Tears involved Native Americans...this one involves people who like their team enough to somehow wear aqua and orange as a fashion statement. Nonetheless, myself and other fans of beleaguered franchises will watch anxiously and pray that a franchise Quarterback (I'm hoping for Ryan Mallett or Christian Ponder) will be selected by their team and not this year's Ted Ginn.

In the spirit of the draft, I present my favorite all time NFL draft-related video...a recap of every bad New York Jets draft blunder in recent years. The reactions of these mustachioed, overweight fans from Queens makes me smile every time...even if their current team is substantially better than mine:

Recap of the 2011 draft, including whichever no-names the Dolphins pick, coming soon!

Annual Reminder That Sampras And Federer Are Nerds

Zombiescandunk@gmail.com (Zombies Can Dunk) — Wed, 27 Apr 2011 12:58:00 -0700

Just in case you caught a Gatorade or Rolex commercial with Pete Sampras and/or Roger Federer and actually thought for a second they were cool, here is your annual reminder:

Ah yes, the classic fist pound/high five folly, guaranteeing failure on every social level. You can almost see this interaction happening with them in high school, and continuing on with them giggling awkwardly and then comparing World Of Warcraft screen names. The jock in me is having trouble not kicking sand in their faces and stealing their girlfriends.

On a side note: Hey, finally an excuse to add "tennis" as a tag, for all of you rabid, blood-thirsty enthusiasts out there!

Tony La Russa's Daughter Is An Attractive Raiders Cheerleader

Zombiescandunk@gmail.com (Zombies Can Dunk) — Mon, 25 Apr 2011 13:42:00 -0700

I use the images above as exhibit A, B, and C to reach the following verdict: Tony La Russa may be one of the ugliest people on this planet we call Earth. I'm sorry to put it that bluntly, but a fact is a fact. There has been more than one time that I've been watching a Cardinals game, they've cut to the dugout, and I've had to stop eating a sandwich. I don't blame the guy, as drinking a crap-ton of liquor, yelling at umps, and spending the summers baking in the sun does little to aid one's complexion.

Still, you can imagine my surprise when I came across this picture:

Pretty attractive, no? Brace yourselves...it's Tony La Russa's DAUGHTER!

Oh, wait, you garnered that from the title of this post? Crap. I should have thought of that.

Oh well, too lazy to change it now.

Apparently Bianca La Russa has tried out to be an Oakland Raiders cheerleader and is going to be named to their dance squad this year. Doing a quick google image search of Bianca La Russa, I am floored this person came from Tony La Russa's family tree and no one knew about it. It's like finding out Dudley Moore's daughter is Brooklyn Decker, or Steven Tyler's daughter is....Liv Tyler...well, you get the point.

Here are more images of Bianca. Credit her mom:

NFL Mock Draft 2011

Zombiescandunk@gmail.com (Zombies Can Dunk) — Fri, 22 Apr 2011 08:42:00 -0700

The NFL draft is next Thursday, and like you I am very, very excited to watch it. There is something grand and beautiful about putting so many hopes and dreams upon a team and players that do not give two craps if you exist. It's a time for hope. It's a time when dreams come true. It's a time when critiquing parts of other men's bodies, using words like "length", "girth", and "huge motor", seem completely straight.

I've been balking at doing any sort of mock draft for the first round, primarily because my opinions this offseason have swung wilder than Elisha Cuthbert's weight (did anyone see her on her new show "Happy Endings"? She appeared to have lost 40 pounds between the first and second episodes. That couldn't have been pleasant for her, although I'm not complaining).

Anyhoo, here is the Zombies Can Dunk 2011 NFL Mock Draft:

1) Carolina Panthers - Cam Newton, QB, Auburn

Let's face it: Current QB Jimmy Clausen's head looks like it was squashed down in a vice. That is no way for a franchise quarterback to look.

2) Denver Broncos - Marcell Dareus, DT, Alabama

Broncos GM might pretend that he is drafting a QB here, but he looks in the mirror EVERY DAY and compares himself to these guys. Every QB lacks his talent...and teeth.

3) Buffalo Bills - Von Miller, OLB, Texas A&M

This guy is scary tough, and will need to be to survive a winter in Buffalo. His entire name sounds like a last name...another bonafide sign of toughness.

4) Cincinnati Bengals - Blaine Gabbert, QB, Missouri

Every one of Blaine Gabbert's photos make him look like an egotistical jackass. You can tell he practices that squinty eye, Blue Steel look in the mirror daily. Have fun with that, Cincy.

5) Arizona Cardinals - Patrick Peterson, CB, LSU

Cardinals fans had a good run of non-mediocrity for a while there. Peterson is an amazing talent, but unless he can do the Deion Sanders and play offense as well, this team is doomed.

6) Cleveland Browns - AJ Green, WR, Georgia

The Browns get the best WR in the draft. Yeah, big consolation to losing Lebron James.

7) San Francisco 49ers - Robert Quinn, DE, North Carolina

Coach Jim Harbaugh is OBSESSED with quarterbacks, so I won't rule out something bizarre happening here...like him drafting himself...but this is the pick for now.

8) Tennessee Titans - Nick Fairley, DT, Auburn

Tennessee's defensive line coach was Nick Fairley's coach in college. I need no other reason. I'm going to use this pick to take a bathroom break.

9) Dallas Cowboys - Prince Amukamara, CB, Nebraska

It took me 3 tries to spell that damn last name right. Jerry Jones can drunkenly slur out Prince's first name, so this will be the pick.

10) Washington Redskins - Jake Locker, QB, Washington

Redskins reach to get their guy here, and if you've watched any tape you would know Locker is pretty awful. Expect that Shanahan face to get redder...like the helmet logo.

11) Houston Texans - JJ Watt, DE, Wisconsin

The rare first name question and last name response. I have high hopes for this guy.

12) Minnesotta Vikings -Cameron Jordan, DE, California

The Vikings could very well go Ryan Mallett here, but Leslie Frazier doesn't seem like the type to tolerate Mallett's attitude. I can actually picture Frazier bitch-slapping him.

13) Detroit Lions - Tyron Smith, OT, USC

The Lions need a franchise left tackle and Tyron Smith slips this far right into their laps. Somewhere, as I type this, Wayne Fontes just ate an entire bucket of KFC himself.

14) St Louis Rams - Julio Jones, WR, Alabama

Rams fans get the guy they've wanted to pair with QB Sam Bradford. Literally the happiest anyone has ever been to interact with a guy named "Julio".

15) Miami Dolphins - Ryan Mallett, QB, Arkansas

I could not be less confident with a selection. Dolphins fans, including myself, really want a QB...which history dictates will lead the Dolphins to selecting a lineman. FML.

16) Jacksonville Jaguars - Aldon Smith, DE, Missouri

I keep hearing people call Aldon Smith a "freak of nature". For once, I would love one of these players to misread that phrase as an insult and go berzerk.

17) New England Patriots - Anthony Castonzo, OT, Boston

Just when you thought your team had a shot to tear Tom Brady's wig off, they draft more talented lineman help. Sigh.

18) San Diego Chargers - Gabe Carimi, OT, Wisconsin

It's a run on offensive tackles! In my mind's eye, Gabe Carimi has an italian accent and just uses his last name to describe the texture of ice cream.

19) New York Giants - Mark Ingram, RB, Alabama

Giants fans, with their stadium 10 minutes from my house, have an excuse to high five and fist pump, yelling, "We gots In-grum!" I can't wait.

20) Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Ryan Kerrigan, DE, Purdue

The Bucs would trade up to get a great player, but as is the case at the 20 spot, someone will drop right into their laps. I miss the creamsicle uniforms.

21) Kansas City Chiefs - Akeem Ayers, OLB, UCLA

The first player taken slightly early. Very exciting! Not because of the selection, but because we get to hear Herm Edwards comment on the pick for the team he destroyed.

22) Indianapolis Colts - Mike Pouncey, C, Florida

People are speculating the Colts will draft a quarterback to become the heir apparent to Manning. Not. Bloody. Likely.

23) Philadelphia Eagles - Derrick Sherrod, OT, Mississippi

Who knew there were so many tackles rated this high? Why am I excited for this draft again?

24) New Orleans Saints - DaQuan Bowers, DE, Clemson

This guy fell in the draft and the Saints have become one of the smartest organizations in football, so they nab a gem here. Can you believe the Saints are good? I still can't!

25) Seattle Seahawks - Christian Ponder, QB, Florida State

Ponder is a QB I think could be the best player in this entire draft. That said, his haircut is simply awful. What the hell are you thinking, Christian?

26) Baltimore Ravens - Nate Solder, OT, Colorado

Ravens are surprised to get a player this good this late. By this point I have slipped into an offensive tackle-induced coma.

27) Atlanta Falcons - Kyle Rudolph, TE, Notre Dame

Matt Ryan likes tight ends. Tony Gonzalez is likely in his final year in the NFL. Damn, why couldn't I just leave that first sentence? That would have colored this pick differently.

28) New England Patriots - Mikel Leshoure, RB, Illinois

Patriots get arguably the best rusher in the draft, which makes the rest of America look at the sky and ask why God hates them.

29) Chicago Bears - Jimmy Smith, CB, Colorado

Jay Cutler will look apathetically up at his television screen during this pick before he goes back to sulking and stealing other people's girlfriends.

30) New York Jets - Cameron Heyward, DE, Ohio State

The ghost of Gholston is silenced with this pick. Great feet on this prospect. Great feet.

31) Pittsburgh Steelers - Ben Ijalana, OL, Villanova

Steelers need to continue to upgrade their offensive line to push women out of bathrooms frequented by Big Ben.

32) Green Bay Packers - Muhammed Wilkerson, DE, Temple

Aaron Rodgers will be praying the Packers go defense here and they do. Muhammed? Temple? There's a religious joke in there somewhere but I won't touch it with a ten foot pole.

That should wrap it up. I did way more than my usual 2 minutes of research for this column, so I am spent. After the draft we will do a review and assess how completely awful my predictions were. Have a good Easter, folks.

ZCD Podcast Episode 005: "Fear And Loathing In Atlantic City!"

Zombiescandunk@gmail.com (Zombies Can Dunk) — Fri, 1 Apr 2011 21:10:00 -0700

In episode 5, Jordan and Taylor are joined by Matt Byun to discuss their lost weekend of crazed debauchery in Atlantic City. Gambling addictions, fights with waiters, Go Kart mishaps, legendary drinking games, toll booth failures...this one's got it all, folks. Plus, "HooAh or Hate" with some of the best moments from the trip! Pop the hangover aspirin and take a listen!!!

Jeff Van Gundy's Blank Stare Can See Directly Into Your Soul

Zombiescandunk@gmail.com (Zombies Can Dunk) — Tue, 29 Mar 2011 15:50:00 -0700

Quick! Clear your mind so he can't read your thoughts!!!

Nice Ones, Chad

Zombiescandunk@gmail.com (Zombies Can Dunk) — Tue, 22 Mar 2011 09:31:00 -0700

Apologies for the site inactivity lately. We are working towards more content and this is the lull that must come as a result.

That said...THIS guy is my favorite team's quarterback. Thanks to TMZ:

Good to see that the labor dispute has not disrupted Chad Henne's intense workout regimine. I'd say that does not bode well for the long term prospects of the Miami Dolphins. If they don't draft a QB in this upcoming draft, I may have to run headfirst into a boulder.

Nice Play

Zombiescandunk@gmail.com (Zombies Can Dunk) — Thu, 3 Mar 2011 20:40:00 -0800

My favorite play of the Magic's defeat of the Heat, where they came back from down 24 for one of the biggest wins of the season:

ZCD Podcast Episode 004: "Romance!"

Zombiescandunk@gmail.com (Zombies Can Dunk) — Sun, 20 Feb 2011 14:36:00 -0800

In episode 4, Jordan and Taylor toss on the cologne, pick up the roses, and bring out the roofalin to discuss what they know best: Romance! Listen to them explain why romantic comedies stink, and what married smooth talk sounds like! Plus, "HooAh or Hate" with romance novels and "setting the mood" music! Hubba hubba!!!

A VERY Heavy Bertation Tonight

Zombiescandunk@gmail.com (Zombies Can Dunk) — Tue, 15 Feb 2011 11:33:00 -0800

Wow.

Real Life Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Van!

Zombiescandunk@gmail.com (Zombies Can Dunk) — Wed, 9 Feb 2011 07:42:00 -0800

My search for a dream car is over.

You may be familiar with this:

Behold...the real life incarnation! Some college girl named Brittney was obsessed with playing with her cousin's Ninja Turtle toys, so she decided to make her own true to life Ninja Turtle van playset. This is an unbelievable use of time, money, and smarts, which will have every pimply, nostalgic nerd chasing this thing like a greyhound. Apparently the inside is laid out with turtle toys as well, pushing this thing straight from "Oh that's kinda cool" to "Holy crap, why isn't this in a museum?"

Foot clan, watch your asses.

No Super Bowl Can Equal This

Zombiescandunk@gmail.com (Zombies Can Dunk) — Sun, 6 Feb 2011 10:46:00 -0800

Eddie House Has Cajones

Zombiescandunk@gmail.com (Zombies Can Dunk) — Tue, 1 Feb 2011 11:41:00 -0800

In case you missed it, here is Eddie House's game winner over the Thunder.

Screw that, we all know what you came to see. Here is Eddie House's bizarre "I have big testicles" dance after his gammer winner over the Thunder:

Jay Cutler Blah Blah Blah Jay Cutler Blah Blah Blah

Zombiescandunk@gmail.com (Zombies Can Dunk) — Mon, 31 Jan 2011 06:40:00 -0800

One of those Monday mornings where everyone seems to have a frown on their face. There is no reason to be unhappy as long as there are signs like this around:

Anyhoo, all anyone seems to be talking about lately is Bears QB Jay Cutler letting down his team in the playoffs by not playing through the pain of a hurt knee.

Look, we all know Cutler is a jerk in real life, as his pompous personal and girlfriend-stealing abilities are legendary, but the one thing he can do is play through the pain.

I use, as my only basis whatsoever for backing up this statement, this video:

His expression upon getting hit says it all: "I have a flabby face and body." Actually, I don't know his face said that, but it is what I read.

Brand New Podcast Episode Is Coming Tonight!

Zombiescandunk@gmail.com (Zombies Can Dunk) — Fri, 28 Jan 2011 12:41:00 -0800

Hark! Hear ye, hear ye! A brand new Zombies Can Dunk podcast is coming tonight!

Mothers, hide your daughters.

We Need More Tracy Morgan In Sports

Zombiescandunk@gmail.com (Zombies Can Dunk) — Thu, 27 Jan 2011 21:39:00 -0800

Olsen Twins Pizza Song Will Infect Your Dreams

Zombiescandunk@gmail.com (Zombies Can Dunk) — Wed, 26 Jan 2011 09:35:00 -0800

Been slow in the sports world in this week between playoff football games, so the site has had a decidedly "entertain-y" feel to it lately. I like it. Makes me feel like a man.

Here is an Olsen Twins song slowed down. It actually sounds way better than the original pile of crap, and I love that one kid who bugs out his eyes and says, "Whipped cream falls like waterfalls!!!" Warning: listen to this more than once and it will be stuck in your brain until you are forced to take a drill to your head.

Best Thing Ever: Super There Will Be Blood!

Zombiescandunk@gmail.com (Zombies Can Dunk) — Fri, 21 Jan 2011 09:52:00 -0800

This is so awesome, it drinks all of our milkshakes.

Credit to Franklin Zitter for finding this!

Dolphins Select New Offensive Coordinator/Ruin My Life

Zombiescandunk@gmail.com (Zombies Can Dunk) — Mon, 17 Jan 2011 16:17:00 -0800

The Miami Dolphins are a frustrating team.

Not frustrating in the, "This team gets on my nerves from time to time" sense.

Something in the realm of, "OH MY GOD WHY ARE THEY DOING WHY THEY ARE DOING? DO THEY WANT ALL OF THE FANS TO RISE UP, RIOT, AND TAKE CONTROL OF THIS TEAM THEMSELVES?! I FEEL LIKE SOMEONE JUST TANYA HARDING-ED MY KNEES AND I'M ON THE FLOOR MOANING 'WHYYYYYYYY' LIKE NANCY KERRIGAN!!!!!" sense.

The latest in their unending wish to give me a premature death consists of hiring former Cleveland Browns Offensive Coordinator Brian Daboll. The Dolphins, you see, had one of the worst offenses in the league last year (30th out of 32 teams in points per game). There were only two teams worse, Cleveland (31st) and Carolina (32nd). Steven Ross, the unbelievably moronic owner of the Dolphins who has made the team a laughingstock by recruiting part-owners Fergie and J. Lo. and failing to lure Jim Harbaugh to coach the team, sent out a message to fans that he would bring an "electrifying offense" to this team in 2011.

Then, he parted ways with his 30th-ranked Offensive Coordinator and got the 31st-ranked one.

Yes.

I'm not making that up.

That really happened.

I want to let that sink in for a second. It's like getting rid of an employee for not showing up to work on time and replacing him with a person who lives on the other side of the planet. It's like firing a person for being too annoying and replacing them with Kathy Lee Gifford.

It's like firing someone for doing a horrible, horrible job at work, has the fans up in arms, was so universally scorned and derided that there was no choice but to "mutually part ways with the team"...and then finding one of the only two people in the entire world worse at doing it. Yeah...it's exactly like that last one.

Now, I'm a "bright side of things" type of guy. In order to put a smiley face on all of this, I am now looking forward to seeing just how far this Titanic of a team will sink. I'm taking my emotions out of the equation and grabbing a bag of popcorn to watch the horror unfold. Will their choice for Quarterback Coach be a parrot? Will they attempt to replace struggling Quarterback Chad Henne with Andy Dick? Is John Candy's corpse in any way involved with team philosophy? In my opinion, it's all gravy, because if I can't enjoy a winning team I at least want a laughably bad one. That middle ground of a 7-9, 8-8, or 9-7 record is the true purgatory, so I'm now just hoping they either sink like a stone or somehow (miracle of all miracles) are good.

So here's hoping for a successful train trip, or a spectacularly entertaining and explosive train wreck. With this hire, you can already hear the wheels sliding off the tracks.

The Least Surprising News From Last Night

Zombiescandunk@gmail.com (Zombies Can Dunk) — Fri, 14 Jan 2011 11:28:00 -0800

This Dog Is A Badass

Zombiescandunk@gmail.com (Zombies Can Dunk) — Fri, 7 Jan 2011 16:25:00 -0800

Note the way it totally knocks the crap out of this kid and steals his sled. I want this dog.

Nate Robinson Has Ups/Is An Idiot

Zombiescandunk@gmail.com (Zombies Can Dunk) — Sat, 1 Jan 2011 22:18:00 -0800

I don't know how I missed this because I was watching the game, but I could watch this on loop for hours.

Here is the Celtics' Nate Robinson trying to celebrate a great play from Paul Pierce against the Knicks, only to wind up looking like one of his 1800 tries in his annual dunk contest debacle.

Big thanks to reader DJ Aphlatoon for the link.

Happy 2011 folks. I literally had to ask my wife what year it was before I wrote that.

Cam Newton Ruled Ineligible After Receiving Store Credit

Zombiescandunk@gmail.com (Zombies Can Dunk) — Tue, 28 Dec 2010 20:13:00 -0800

This afternoon the NCAA ruled that Auburn QB, Cam Newton, is ineligible for the BCS National Championship Game on January 10th in Glendale, Arizona after an investigation revealed that he had received improper benefits. On December 27th, the Heisman award winner allegedly returned a Blu-ray copy of the Will Ferrel comedy,"The Other Guys", he had received as a gift on Christmas for a store credit.

"I had already gotten it for myself on the day it came out," Newton said in a tersely written statement to the press. "I know what I did was unethical and was against the rules. I just didn't understand what I would do with two discs of the same movie."

CORRECTION: Newton has now been declared eligible after it was revealed that his daddy returned the Blu-ray. Cecil was later seen driving his rocket car that was paid for by school boosters to get his son to play at Auburn, but that's OK. Everything is alright, everyone! False alarm.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS FROM ZOMBIES CAN DUNK!

Zombiescandunk@gmail.com (Zombies Can Dunk) — Wed, 22 Dec 2010 19:23:00 -0800

Clink some glasses of eggnog, dream of sugarplums (whatever the hell those are), and spend the rest of the night puking up eggnog and sugarplums because THE HOLIDAYS ARE HERE! WOOOOOOOO! PRESENTS! YEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhh........h!!!
Yeah.

The Zombies Can Dunk crew wishes you the very best of holiday wishes and thanks you for a fantastic year that has brought in a new website name (goodbye "The Howeva Files"), a new podcast, a new site design, a new twitter account, and a newfound respect for how friggin' hard it is to manage all the stuff I just wrote. Seriously I think I lost many years off my lifespan doing all that.

Next year we are going to be starting off with a bang that includes more posts, many with longer content. That's right, we are hoping to increase the length and girth, ahem, of the site.

In the meantime, we hope you have a wonderful, "mistletoe on your zipper" holiday, and just a reminder that no matter what you did to embarrass yourself during your company holiday party this year, in a very short amount of time it will be 2011 and the slate will be wiped clean. -Unless you slept with the boss. In that case you probably just got a raise. Cheers!

ZCD Podcast Episode 002: "Happy Holidays!"

Zombiescandunk@gmail.com (Zombies Can Dunk) — Tue, 14 Dec 2010 18:50:00 -0800

In episode 2, Ben Morse joins Jordan and Taylor to discuss all of the wacky aspects of the holidays! Also, the gang plays "HooAh or Hate" with decorating trees, Christmas music, and wish lists! Enjoyable commentary to talk you off the ledge if you discover your mommy kissing Santa Claus!!!

Transformers 3 Trailer Cometh Out: Sucketh

Zombiescandunk@gmail.com (Zombies Can Dunk) — Thu, 9 Dec 2010 10:10:00 -0800

I am an enormous Transformers fan. I have many of the original damn things from 1984 scattered around my room in their original boxes. I am, if anyone, the target demographic for this movie. That said, I could not stop from burying my head in my hands while watching this trailer and think Michael Bay is pure evil.

Did Walter Cronkite's family okay the use of his image in this? Is it possible that they saw what was completed of this trailer, and said, "Well, Grandpa's memory has to live on in some meaningful way, so this HAS to be good. WAIT. OMG. THERE IS A TRANSFORMER WITH A MOUSTACHE AT THE END?!?!?! WHERE DO WE SIGN?!"

Ah but to be a fly in that board meeting, when the writers came in and said that the movie begins with what WASN'T broadcast during the historic moon landing. That Neil Armstrong and Buzz kept a secret like gigantic hulking robot transformer thingies on the moon under their hat for decades, even after retirement, for their own unexplained reasons. That the ancestor of the transformers was somewhere on the moon, idling, and it wasn't until they came to life that the whole series began in what would be a mind-bleep of Megan Fox in too-small outfits, the ruination of John Turturro's career, and dogs humping each other for cheap laughs. -Oh yeah, and the main character's mom wandering around a campus stoned. Surely THIS is how all of that was meant to have started.

As a transformers fan, this third one is going to be the hardest one to justify seeing yet. Gone is ZCD favorite lady Megan Fox, replaced with a skinny model that looks like a Tree Ent from Lord of the Rings. Gone are Jazz and Jetfire, two of the my favorite characters from my childhood that Michael Bay ruined by making one an old guy and the other an overtly racist character. Replacing those things are a promise, and this is straight from Bay's mouth, of "less characters, more focus on the story". That always works well for sequels, Mike.

It's just a shame that such a great franchise has been turned into something that has moviegoers saying in their seats, "Oh cool! A movie about the moon landing! Wait. Crap. Another poop vehicle for Michael Bay. When does this trailer end?"

If you need me, I'll be sulking in my decepticons hat.

Gary Neal Has Imaginary Friends

Zombiescandunk@gmail.com (Zombies Can Dunk) — Mon, 6 Dec 2010 19:44:00 -0800

Ghosts give the best high fives.

Slim witted and alone is no excuse for not getting a high five or two.

Zombies Can Dunk Podcast Now Available In Itunes And Zune

Zombiescandunk@gmail.com (Zombies Can Dunk) — Mon, 6 Dec 2010 15:18:00 -0800

This is a Munchkin Mayor Adult Costume, similar to the one mentioned in the podcast. I really, really want this costume for everyday use.

As the title would have you believe, the Zombies Can Dunk Podcast is now available in the Itunes Store and Zune Marketplace!

It's got voices! It's got a fancy image that pops up on your ipod when you subscribe! It's got...well the voices and image are pretty much it.

It is free to subscribe, as we somehow resisted the urge to charge millions to make your ears bleed.

Click on the handy dandy new subscribing link on the site (it is to the right of this message) to subscribe and listen to our very first podcast and the thousands that are sure to follow. We are going to try to get into an "every other week" groove for posting new podcasts, and only time will tell if we are unsuccessful or horribly unsuccessful at maintaining that.

Cheers!

ZCD Podcast Episode 001: "Costumes Aplenty!"

Zombiescandunk@gmail.com (Zombies Can Dunk) — Tue, 30 Nov 2010 17:14:00 -0800

The Zombies Can Dunk Podcast is officially here! In episode 1: Jordan and Taylor discuss costumes, NBA Jerseys, and play "HooAh or Hate" with mall santas and Spiderman!!!

Nic Cage Is A Good Actor

Zombiescandunk@gmail.com (Zombies Can Dunk) — Wed, 24 Nov 2010 09:04:00 -0800

This video of Nic Cage's freakouts in movies proves to me that he is the best actor of this or any era.

Zombies Can Dunk podcast coming soon! Get ready to hear our ugly voices in your ear!

EPIC MCDONALDS FIGHT!!!

Zombiescandunk@gmail.com (Zombies Can Dunk) — Fri, 29 Oct 2010 09:25:00 -0700

Holy cow!!!! The San Francisco Giants are up on the Texas Rangers 2-0 in the World Series.

This is not what I am "Holy Cow"-ing about. Check out this clip taken in a San Fran-area McDonalds yesterday. It is mayhem the likes of which I have never seen. The most epic moment is when the gigantic towel-wearing guy starts throwing people around like they are store mannequins (at the 1:50 minute mark).

These Giants fans are obviously upset that I went with the Bengals as my "orange and black" HCW team yesterday. Sheesh. I WAS going to go to McDonalds today to get one of their Halloween McBoo pails today, but now I may steer clear. I am too finely-groomed and classy for such uncouth behavior.

Oh yeah, and Happy Halloween everyone!!!

F This Town

Zombiescandunk@gmail.com (Zombies Can Dunk) — Wed, 27 Oct 2010 07:30:00 -0700

I be pissed. Reading the article below, I had the opposite reaction to Ernie Hudson's "I love this town!" proclamation at the end of Ghostbusters (highlighted in this post title). What could get me so rankled on the happiest of weeks, my beloved Halloween week? What could grind the gears of a guy so blissfully covered from head to toe in orange and black apparel, including socks with little skulls on them ($5 at Target) as he writes this? How about some town outlawing anyone over 12 from trick or treating?

Mayor Mark Eckhert of Belleville, Ill., says he's heard a ton of complaints from frightened single mothers and senior citizens who are less than happy about the “6-foot-tall kids” that ring their doorbells on Halloween. His solution: To create an ordinance banning high-school teenagers—that is, anyone over the age of 12—from trick-or-treating.
"When I was a kid my father said to me, 'You're too damn big to be going trick or-treating. You're done,’" Eckhert told ABC News. "When that doesn't happen, then that's reason for the city governments to intervene."
Intervening, in this case, means putting an age limit on trick-or-treaters, and threatening the over-12 set with a $100 fine for those who ignore the law—though, according to ABC, that fine has rarely, if ever, been actually meted out. And while some residents of Belleville have complained about the ordinance, it seems that many more are relieved. Trick-or-treat age limits have also been popular in townships in South Carolina, Mississippi, Maryland, and Virginia.

This is infuriating, and akin to banning dancing in Footloose. This Ebenezer Scrooge with political power is telling residents that the moment they hit their teens they are no longer allowed to celebrate the holiday in its most pure form. Sure, we adults pretty much go nuts and drink ourselves silly on Halloween, but what is the 13-20 year old to do? That's right...they will be forced to hit the bottle early, something that will no doubt make their parties devolve into orgies of violence and, well, orgies.

As someone who trick or treated in the surrounding neighborhood before partying on Halloween in college (yes, I really did that...it was hilarious and majestic), I am calling for the residents of Belleville, Illinois to rise up and overtake Mayor Eckhert like the zombies he wishes to outlaw. -Not the adults, but rather an unholy army of 4-8 year olds, doing so after ringing his doorbell.

In my mind's eye the kids would try to tear him to pieces, only to have the Mayor saved by a passing adult in a ghost costume. This would surely cause him to see the error of his ways, and make it MANDATORY for all residents to trick or treat on Halloween.

How would this work if everyone is out trick or treating and no one is home to answer the doors? What would prevent burglaries? I have no idea...that's the Mayor's job to figure out. I'm an idea man, not a logistics man. Duh.

Let's get on this.

Walking Dead Premieres On TV This Week

Zombiescandunk@gmail.com (Zombies Can Dunk) — Tue, 26 Oct 2010 13:26:00 -0700

It's Halloween week, the bestest week of them all! Yipeeeee!

I am loading up on candy, decorations, pumpkin-scented candles, Halloween-themed Pop Tarts, Ghost Dots, Frankenberry, Count Chocula, pumpkin beer, pumpkin coffee, Halloween-packaged Doritos and Cheetos, and last, but DEFINITELY not least, a Halloween Boglin named "Blobkin".

Punctuating this amazing week is the premiere of The Walking Dead on AMC this Sunday (Halloween night). If you are not aware, The Walking Dead is based off of a graphic novel about life within a post-apocalyptic Zombie world. Although that is an old concept, the graphic novel did a fantastic job of getting in the minds of how people would react in times of extreme duress. Think lots of people making that scrunched, terrified face, like you no doubt did when you first saw the internet Brett Favre penis photos.

Make sure you tune in and check back in to this site, as Zombies Can Dunk will no doubt be reviewing episodes with a special undead flair. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to figure out a way to get batteries in a 6 foot animatronic Crypt Keeper.

Happy Halloween week everyone!

Back To The Future II Stuff Is Coming

Zombiescandunk@gmail.com (Zombies Can Dunk) — Mon, 25 Oct 2010 11:40:00 -0700

For some unknown reason I've been thinking about Back To The Future II lately.

As a movie, BTTF2 gave toy-obsessed kids such as myself a cornucopia of bright, shiny objects to lust over that didn't exist. It sucked that the novel products, concepts and ways of life featured in the movie weren't within the nation's grasp. The closest we've come is a sports team in Miami (coincidentally my favorite team?) and me pouring Coca-Cola into my car's gas tank with horrendous results.

But lo! What do we have here?

Shoes that tie themselves?! THAT is most definitely on the short list of things I wanted from the movie as a kid. It would have saved me hours of screaming at my shoes that they are good-for-nothing slackers when I was 7 years old. Want.

A conversation about coveted items in BTTF2 would be nothing without...(insert crescendo of music)...the holy grail itself, the hoverboard (cymbal crash). As a serious longboarder and half-assed surfer, determining if my life is a success is completely tied into someone inventing this damn thing. Screw UFOs, cures for sicknesses, and ways to feed the hungry...humanity needs a hoverboard.

Ignoring the ridiculous homemade hoverboards people have made that are about the size of a Buick, and focusing on something that LOOKS and PERFORMS somewhat like the real thing, I present the most forward-thinking artist I've seen in a while: Nils Guadagnin.

It's almost impossible to not watch that previous video while humming the opening bars of "I'm Walking On Sunshine". With so much of this great stuff from Marty McFly's future coming true, all we can do is look to the sky and pray that Jaws 19 is released soon.

Wow Those Afternoon Thunderstorms Look Interesting...

Zombiescandunk@gmail.com (Zombies Can Dunk) — Fri, 22 Oct 2010 07:07:00 -0700

I have no idea what the correlation is between weather forecasts and the male anatomy. It's a legit phenomenon. You do a search on the internet and there are countless videos and photos of wangs and dongs and doodles appearing on the weather portions of news broadcasts.

Is it mother nature proclaiming her true sex? Maybe it's the atmosphere's admittance that even it is not above using the pun "watering the flowers"?

Whatever it is, I'm officially giving a sideways glance to people who say they "love the weather channel"...read between the lines with those folks from here on out.

Hey! A Commercial That Doesn't Suck!

Zombiescandunk@gmail.com (Zombies Can Dunk) — Wed, 20 Oct 2010 07:30:00 -0700

Russians have always been inherently funny to me. They are just a funny people (when they aren't threatening to nuke us or supplying nukes to terrorists...but besides that...).

Evidence:

-I'm convinced Natasha on Rocky and Bullwinkle would have been a waste if not for that accent.

-Ivan Drago is easily the most memorable Rocky villain. Screw you, Apollo, I'm in a decade long training routine to one day be Drago for halloween.

-Just LOOK at this big-eyed guy during one of Vladamir Putin's press conferences. He has become an internet sensation, nicknamed Glazastik (literally "big-eyed guy" in Russian). Go to the 0:37 mark in this video:

Where am I going with this? I was watching television the other day and was fast-forwarding through the commercials, as usual, but saw something weird for a split second and rewound to see it. It turned out to be a DirectTV commercial, and I actually found it pretty darn entertaining. I don't normally enjoy commercials that others find funny (that "Yes I am" Budweiser guy was the worst...it made me question being an American), but this one was interesting enough and had some of that humorous Russian flavor.

See? Told you Russians were funny. If you're a Russian and reading this, don't be offended at me finding you funny. I'm Lithuanian, which used to be part of Russia, and laugh at my reflection every time I look at it.

-Primarily because I'm making this face at myself.

This Image Made The Nerd In Me Smile

Zombiescandunk@gmail.com (Zombies Can Dunk) — Tue, 19 Oct 2010 12:48:00 -0700

I try as much as possible to quell the inner nerd in me. I want to live my life acting as much as possible like Ogre from Revenge Of The Nerds, screaming and beating up anyone with glasses and a degree in information technology.

That said, sometimes I can't help myself. This image made me happy.

Video Of A Guy Dunking Over 7 People...WHOA IT'S MAC TONIGHT!

Zombiescandunk@gmail.com (Zombies Can Dunk) — Mon, 18 Oct 2010 11:57:00 -0700

Watching this video of 6 foot 3 Pepperdine college player Keion Bell dunk over seven people made me giddy (even though he DID push off of that one guy for leverage). Not because it was an amazing feat...I literally yawned while watching him do it...but rather because of the mascot that jumps out afterward and captures my eyes and attention from then on:

Pepperdine's Keion Bell Dunks Over Seven People @ Yahoo! Video

It's some sort of smiling wave thingy with sunglasses, which I suppose is the official mascot of Pepperdine, named Willie The Wave:

"Oh, Pepperdine has an interesting mascot" was not what I blurted out. What I DID blurt out was "WHOA, IT'S MAC TONIGHT!" I almost leaped out of my seat. As the adrenaline slowly wore off I was able to take in more of the character and noticed subtle differences. The character was blue, not white. His hair had many points, not just one. Most apparently, he was dressed like a down-and-out stoner, and not a well-to-do businessman. Still, the likeness was there, and suddenly I find Pepperdine a lot more interesting.

Mac Tonight, in case you are under the age of 14 or have been living in a bunker, was an amazing short-lived mascot for McDonalds that advertised the fact that they were open late. His name was a bizarre collage of Big Macs, nighttime, and the swing-era song "Mack The Knife". This alone makes him glorious. The fact that he had an enormous crescent moon head with sunglasses and had toys designed after him is what TRULY had him win our hearts. I want to be in that board meeting where some marketing exec had the balls to say, "I have a way for us to sell more burgers: a creepy albino with a moon for a head that sings songs that were popular 50 years ago."

Honestly, while I am happy that Willie The Wave has kept alive the memory of the now deceased Mac Tonight (cause of death: end of advertising campaign/crushed to death under weight of his own head), all he really accomplishes is making us long for the original.

Mac Tonight, if you are reading this, I hope you are in heaven playing that piano on a cloud, still inexplicably catering to children with 8pm bedtimes and telling them that McDonalds is open until 2am.

Patience Is Spelled F-r-a-n-c-e-s-a

Zombiescandunk@gmail.com (Zombies Can Dunk) — Fri, 15 Oct 2010 11:52:00 -0700

I applaud Mike Francesa of WFAN for this call. There is nothing I hate more than people who are slow story tellers. If I had an action figure, it would come with the ability to do that circular hand motion that tells people "let's get on with it" (and karate kicking motion for the resultant dirty looks I draw).

Topping it off is the customary "Hey, how's it going" from the caller, which most radio callers absentmindedly do. Let me let you in on a secret: they don't care how you are doing when they say that. It is obvious they are just using that time to organize their thoughts before speaking...something that could be done before the call or perhaps during the 80 hours they are on hold.

Look, it's not that I'm impatient, but rather that my time is just so much more important than everyone else's. The sooner the world can see this, the better off the world will be. Look for those two last sentences on my campaign poster when I run for President in 2012.

My Favorite Image Of The Chilean Miners Rescue

Zombiescandunk@gmail.com (Zombies Can Dunk) — Thu, 14 Oct 2010 15:09:00 -0700

Subway Surfing: Both Idiotic And Completely Awesome

Zombiescandunk@gmail.com (Zombies Can Dunk) — Thu, 14 Oct 2010 07:59:00 -0700

After watching the video below I have an over/under of 3 people in the next 5 years trying this and getting killed. Morons. If I hear a person stomping around on the ceiling of my subway ride, I'm going to get out a bag of popcorn and wait for the geyser of blood and guts to rain from the windows. As a person with no children and thus no responsibility, I can only encourage this in order to provide entertainment for myself while I shuffle off to work:

Seriously one of the dumbest and most thrilling things I have seen someone do in a long time. If you see this guy punch him in the face and then shake his hand on a job well done.

Hot Cheerleader Wednesday: Texans Cheerleader Randi Brady

Zombiescandunk@gmail.com (Zombies Can Dunk) — Wed, 13 Oct 2010 12:12:00 -0700

NFL parity is making it tough for any team to stand out above the others. Right now most of the teams in the league are 2-3 or 3-2, so any sort of competitive advantage is key. For this reason...we need cheerleaders to tell us who is really the best.

That's my logic. I see no flaws in it.

Based on cheerleaders alone, the Houston Texans would win the next 80 super bowls. Whenever their team is televised on the east coast, I get dozens of texts from friends saying things like, "Look how hot the Texans cheerleaders are" and "Wait...the Houston Texans have a football team? Are those the guys running around behind the beautiful dancing women?"

It's like the team looked elsewhere in the state, saw the Cowboys cheerleaders, and decided the only way they could top them was to genetically engineer women in a lab. It is a miracle of science and probably cost millions.

Kicking off this trend of Texan beauty is a lady by the name of Randi Brady (who has since left the team to go on to modeling...shocker). She is the original gangsta who made the collective eyes of America shift to the Texans, much like this fatty in the black shirt is doing here:

Randi was even named "Hottest Cheerleader in the NFL" by Maxim a while back, which seems a good barometer for attractiveness (Maxim also brought our attention to Miami Dolphin favorite Lilly Robbins). The fact that Texans fans were looking elsewhere in the stadium to take their eyes off of the piss-poor David Carr-led product on the field must have helped her exposure.

Anyways, here are some images of Randi Brady for your Wednesday enjoyment:

James Wisniewski Gives The International Sign For "I Love Popsicles!"

Zombiescandunk@gmail.com (Zombies Can Dunk) — Tue, 12 Oct 2010 18:41:00 -0700

Ol' Small Hands Has Still Got It

Zombiescandunk@gmail.com (Zombies Can Dunk) — Tue, 12 Oct 2010 08:16:00 -0700

Alex Smith, the QB who had the fun privilege of having his small hands pointed out to every NFL fan in America before he was drafted by the 49ers, continues to continue his upward climb to super stardom in the NFL.

Wait.

Replace "continues to continue his upward climb to super stardom in the NFL" with "plummet to the depths of horrible QB play hell".

Fans booing is inherently hilarious, but them booing AND chanting that they want perennial loser David Carr is a masterpiece. While the 49ers are for the most part a horrifically boring team to watch this year, this clip makes this game look like one I'm sad to have missed.

This Guy Has My Vote

Zombiescandunk@gmail.com (Zombies Can Dunk) — Mon, 11 Oct 2010 13:50:00 -0700

I try not to get involved with political discussions, which in my opinion always go hand-in-hand with anger, close-mindedness, and stupidity. I'd rather talk sports and entertainment, which involve all three of those same qualities but won't result in things like having abortions or segregating schools (See? Just writing that last sentence made me hate politics even more. Let's debate the coolness of the Jets logo).

Sometimes though, I find exceptions. Take this guy, for example: Jimmy McMillan. He is a member of the "Rent Is 2 Damn High Party", which is as amazing as it sounds and is something I can firmly get behind. I used to live in Manhattan until, guess what? That's right, the rent got 2 damn high (with an emphasis on "2").

I love his quotes, like "As I've always said, if you can stand the heat in the kitchen, COME ON!". He is a blend of Mr. T, Kenny Rogers, and animal from The Muppet Show...and for this reason alone he should be president one day.

Hot Cheerleader Wednesday: DALLAS COWBOYS EDITION

Zombiescandunk@gmail.com (Zombies Can Dunk) — Fri, 8 Oct 2010 09:51:00 -0700

First off: Yes, I know it is Friday. This is besides the point.

With this site growing more popular, I decided to look at what the constituency was actively checking out on the website. Zombies Can Dunk is nothing if not a voice of the people.

Wouldn't you know it? Most seem to like Hot Cheerleader Wednesday as our most popular segment. Perverts.

It doesn't take a rocket scientist or a penis photo of Brett Favre to know that the public, especially the internet public, likes to see a little skin here and there. It is natural. It is part of our DNA. It is the only reason anyone even knows the name "Kelly Brook".

Thus, why wait until Wednesday to have some fun? Nay, I say that is is the right of the PEOPLE to get what they DESERVE! -and what they deserve is pictures of cheerleaders to help them get through the drudgery of another Friday and start the weekend out on a good note, dammit! This is America! Roar!

Nothing says America (for better and for worse) more than the Dallas Cowboys, so this HCW is devoted to the starred pom poms within the harem of creepy Jerry Jones.

Seeing these cheerleaders day in and day out, then abruptly NOT seeing them, would drive anyone to abuse heavy amounts of drugs. This is why Michael Irvin's behavior makes way more sense than anyone else on his team.

I Love This Guy

Zombiescandunk@gmail.com (Zombies Can Dunk) — Tue, 5 Oct 2010 10:05:00 -0700

Everyone is making a big deal out of the Tiger Woods photo that has the ball coming straight at the camera, but I prefer to focus on this guy in the gallery who inexplicably has a fake moustache, wig, and cigar. Seems like the kind of guy that would be fun to party with.

Don't Taze Me Bro!

Zombiescandunk@gmail.com (Zombies Can Dunk) — Mon, 4 Oct 2010 15:13:00 -0700

Great sack celebration...

Coming To Grips With The "Life As We Know It" Poster

Zombiescandunk@gmail.com (Zombies Can Dunk) — Wed, 29 Sep 2010 08:22:00 -0700

If you live on this planet in any sort of metropolitan setting, you've probably seen the "Life As We Know It" poster below:

It took me a long time to figure out what the hell was going on here, simply because Katherine Heigl's face is so close to Josh Duhamel's ass. Life as I know it does not normally involve ass sniffing.

I eventually figured out that it's some pukey way of saying that this guy in the movie is more like a baby than an adult, parading around in his underwear and drinking beer (grownup milk) out of a bottle. Realizing this made me hate this damn thing even more, and if you are a guy in New York City it is virtually impossible to escape these annoying posters that force you to stare at Josh Duhamel in his underwear and question things about yourself.

Anyhoo, I've stared at these damn "Life As We Know It" posters for so long that I have accepted my fate that I cannot avoid them. When this happens, it becomes my mission to somehow make them awesome so I can mentally deal with them while on my hellish morning commute. I looked at the poster for a long time today while waiting for the subway, and then the answer hit me. It was so obvious the entire time that I couldn't believe it didn't come to me sooner. The easiest way to make the poster fun to look at was to simply swap the position of the two main stars and kick that baby the hell out of there. It works so well that I am convinced the photographer had this in mind. The studio must made him swap their positions at the last second and go with some lame baby metaphor. Jerks.

See? If this was their original intent than life as we know it is pretty damn good.

Not All Kids Are Annoying Hoodlums I Want Off My Lawn

Zombiescandunk@gmail.com (Zombies Can Dunk) — Tue, 28 Sep 2010 15:11:00 -0700

Although most kids do awful things like spray paint, destroy public property, and egg houses on mischief night (I will hide in the bushes with a hose this year), sometimes they are okay in my book. This is one of those times.

In this video, members of the Lake Stevens Football team handed the ball to a mentally handicapped kid on their squad, and the other team resisted the urge to tackle and let the kid have an amazing moment he'll never forget.

I have to say, the players around the kid sold it pretty well. I would give an Oscar to the kid who tries the diving tackle, as well as the blocker and blockee that come in at the end. It's one of those heart string-tugging moments that I don't find corny or annoying, but genuinely cool. The only letdown was a lack of a cool endzone celebration, but it makes sense since I remember all-too-serious referees penalizing my ass for stuff like that when I was younger. Who says that 4th grade isn't the right place to do that convoluted 10 minute Deion Sanders dance?

Rolando McClain Had My Favorite Play Of The Week

Zombiescandunk@gmail.com (Zombies Can Dunk) — Tue, 21 Sep 2010 07:36:00 -0700

Now this is a tackle. Actually, it's a WWE move, but who am I to mince words. Extra points for how happy McClain was after getting hit with an unnecessary roughness penalty by the refs. Listen to the crowd react to the replay! I can't say enough good things about this. Genius.

Somehow I Survived

Zombiescandunk@gmail.com (Zombies Can Dunk) — Fri, 17 Sep 2010 09:45:00 -0700

Yes, there was a crazy storm in New York.

Yes, everyone was afraid there was going to be a tornado (there wasn't).

Yes, it did blow power out across the city, including Penn Station where they completely shut down the LIRR and it looked like the apocalypse with the amount of people panicking inside as I was trying to get home.

And yet after a storm that lasted a grand total of around 12 minutes I still stand here, alive. It is a testament to my will and strength.

If you missed it, these idiots in the video below perfectly capture the way almost every person in New York reacted yesterday, complete with hooting, hollering, backwards Jets hats, and numerous "check it out, bro!"s. I am sad the storm did not suck these people into the cyclone.

This Is Why I Love Soccer

Zombiescandunk@gmail.com (Zombies Can Dunk) — Thu, 16 Sep 2010 07:22:00 -0700

Stories like this make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. How great is this?

A "fake" Togo national team played against Bahrain in an international friendly last week, prompting an investigation from the African nation's sports ministry and FIFA.
Bahrain's Ismail Abdulatif in action against Qatar days before the fake match
Bahrain beat who they thought was the Togo national team 3-0 in Bahrain last Tuesday, but Togo officials have claimed to have no knowledge of the match. It has emerged the players may not have been professional footballers or even Togolese nationals but mystery still surrounds their true identity.

So Bahrain beat another country's national team, only to find out they were IMPOSTERS and the real team claimed they still hadn't played yet?!?! I swear that soccer is 800 times more ridiculous than any other sport in the world and this only adds to its charm. I can't wait until the inevitable happens and a soccer team loses to another, and then learns that the winning team was really full of zoo animals. It is the logical next progression of the sport.

Let's Go To Texas!

Zombiescandunk@gmail.com (Zombies Can Dunk) — Wed, 15 Sep 2010 08:44:00 -0700

When I was in college, I lived in one of the top 5 most sexually active dorms in the US of A. The list went like this:

5 - Bentley College, Massachusetts: Castle Hall
4 - Connecticut College: Harkness Hall
3 - Arizona State University: South Desert Village
2 - The George Washington University: Mabel Nelson Thurston Hall
1 - University of Rhode Island: Barlow Hall

God Bless, you URI Barlow Hall members. If all of you haven't succumbed to the JFK-level amount of STDs in your systems, I raise my glass to you. Number 4 was where I resided, and was coincidentally was also the number of moans and groans that could be heard throughout the halls on a given night. 'Twas a different time.

Being an avid researcher of who the sex crown is going to these days, I decided to open one of my favorite periodicals Men's Health. MH came out with a list of the top sex-happy U.S. Cities, and all I can say is that if you are a resident of Texas and are reading this, chances are naughty things are happening to you from the waist down as you read:

1. Austin, TX
2. Dallas, TX
3. Columbus, OH
4. Durham, NC
5. Denver, CO
6. Indianapolis, IN
7. Arlington, TX
8. Oklahoma City, OK
9. Bakersfield, CA
10. Houston, TX
11. Lubbock, TX
12. Fort Worth, TX
13. Charlotte, NC
14. Fresno, CA
15. San Antonio, TX

Alright, besides the obvious Texas shenanigans going on, a few observations:

-That Columbus, Ohio number is going to go WAYYYY down now that Lebron is Miami-bound and bringing his "three sex parties each night" average with him.

-Utah is always somewhere high on these lists of things that are decidedly un-Mormon. I find that funny.

-California and North Carolina have uncommonly good looking people. I have noticed this, and I am glad that they have too. Hollywood makes sense for good looking people, but North Carolina baffles me. Somehow, they manage.

Anyhoo, the moral of this story? Move to Texas if you want the nookie.

Fun video of the day: Here is a guy shopping with an attractive drunk girl in tow. I have no idea how this guy manages to completely get his shopping list done with this girl draped all over him, but kudos to him:

Yay For NFL On-Field Microphones!

Zombiescandunk@gmail.com (Zombies Can Dunk) — Tue, 14 Sep 2010 08:17:00 -0700

NFL Football is upon us, and no one is happier than me. -Well, me and Bernard Pollard of the Houston Texans, as this clip will show.

Despite the fact that I was traveling for most Sunday, I still was able to see a snippet of a football game on TV in a cafe. I was delighted when the game I was watching cut away live to the Texans-Colts game, and this was the play that I saw. How can you NOT love on-field microphones? There is a good 50/50 chance of something going horribly wrong.

Reggie Wayne will think twice before catching a pass on Bernard Pollard, and CBS will think twice before miking the players:

This Dog Is A Lazy Jerk

Zombiescandunk@gmail.com (Zombies Can Dunk) — Wed, 8 Sep 2010 08:42:00 -0700

I love my dog very, very much. That said, my dog is a complete jackass when he gets his leash put on. He fights against it like he's trying to win some sort of tug of war for treats, which he is not for the record (I have explained this to him many times).

While he is much better now, the first two years of having my dog out in public resulted in the laughter of passers by, mostly with comments like, "Wow, he really doesn't want to follow you on that leash, huh?" and "Stubborn little rascal, ain't he?" and other things that added absolutely nothing to the situation except making me hate the population of New York City.

It's taken years, but I've finally found someone who has a dog worse on the leash than mine was. I even find myself finding it cute and stopping myself from adding my own asinine comments to the situation, like so many did to me. Anyhoo, enjoy:

EMBED-Cute Dog Doesn't Feel Like Walking - Watch more free videos

I Like Dubs

Zombiescandunk@gmail.com (Zombies Can Dunk) — Tue, 31 Aug 2010 07:30:00 -0700

I think the internet was created to watch Transformers dubbed with Wedding Crashers.

...Oh, and to watch a girl puke in zero gravity. Watch those barrel rolls!

Yo Yo Ova Heyah

Zombiescandunk@gmail.com (Zombies Can Dunk) — Fri, 20 Aug 2010 08:15:00 -0700

I don't know if you can count the Yo Yo as a sport, but I'll be damned if that stops me posting this video of the World Yo Yo Champion.

Japanese Guys Have Got Some Ups

Zombiescandunk@gmail.com (Zombies Can Dunk) — Fri, 6 Aug 2010 08:41:00 -0700

Pretty damn amazing. I love his halfhearted attempts to conceal his smile afterward.

EMBED-Spiderman Style Baseball Catch - Watch more free videos

Chris Paul Staying With The Hornets...For Now

Zombiescandunk@gmail.com (Zombies Can Dunk) — Mon, 26 Jul 2010 14:53:00 -0700

Sigh, with Chris Paul making nice and saying he doesn't need to be traded (right now) so ends the exciting 2010 NBA free agent season, with the Heat getting everyone and annoying us all to hell for the next 5 years. Time to turn our attention to football and baseball and English Premier League Soccer.

To make the transition easier for all of you, here is a clip of Vince McMahon saying "You're fired" for one minute straight:

SVG FTW!!!!!!!!!

Zombiescandunk@gmail.com (Zombies Can Dunk) — Fri, 16 Jul 2010 09:30:00 -0700

Oh my lord this is the best thing ever. Kudos to the Orlando Sentinel!!!

Copy and paste the link below into your browser and enjoy!

http://www.orlandosentinel.com/sports/orlando-magic/os-svg-makeover-interactive,0,6569122.htmlpage

Lebron's Relationship With Cleveland

Zombiescandunk@gmail.com (Zombies Can Dunk) — Fri, 16 Jul 2010 09:19:00 -0700

This is pretty accurate:

Dwight Helps With The Pain Of Watching Lebron To Heat

Zombiescandunk@gmail.com (Zombies Can Dunk) — Thu, 15 Jul 2010 07:08:00 -0700

Who cares that the Heat will likely win the next 7 championships? At least the Magic have Dwight Howard to liven things up with a fantastic Lebron impression (the chin is my favorite part):

I May Buy This Shirt

Zombiescandunk@gmail.com (Zombies Can Dunk) — Tue, 13 Jul 2010 12:56:00 -0700

Screw You, Lebron. Thank God I sold my MSG Stock before you made your announcement.

Dan Gilbert = Jilted Lover

Zombiescandunk@gmail.com (Zombies Can Dunk) — Thu, 8 Jul 2010 20:58:00 -0700

WOW. I think he wrote this while trashing James' car or throwing his clothes out of the apartment window! Or...was he talking about Shaq?

I'm sold. Who else wants to put money down that Cleveland will win a championship before LeBron?

Live Blogging: LeBron TV Special!

Zombiescandunk@gmail.com (Zombies Can Dunk) — Thu, 8 Jul 2010 18:10:00 -0700

10:10 pm - OK. I gave you an hour. I spoil you...

10:02 pm - The second happiest team? Golden State.
9:57 pm - Why are people burning throwback jerseys?!
9:56 pm - What I'm not looking forward to: The girlfriends who try too hard to pretend they like sports wearing LeBron Heat jerseys. This will replace the pink Red Sox hat.

9:50 pm - BREAKING NEWS: MIAMI HAS ALSO SIGNED JOHN STOCKTON, KARL MALONE, PATRICK EWING, REGGIE MILLER, CHARLES BARKLEY AND ANYONE ELSE WHO NEVER WON BECAUSE OF MJ!

9:47 pm - HOLY S*%$! Stephen A was right a few weeks ago!

9:40 pm - He was attracted to Newark?! Me too!
9:38 pm - 100% certainty that Shaq is showing up on Pat Riley's caller ID right now. "Hi. Can I please play for you? Pretty please? I promise to be good. Cross my heart..."

9:37 pm - Video of Clippers fans was unavailable I guess.

9:36 pm - D-Bag riot in Miami!

9:35 pm - BREAKING NEWS: MICHAEL WILBON IS FROM THE MIDWEST! DETAILS TO FOLLOW

9:32 pm - Why hasn't this question been asked: How happy are you to play alongside Beasley?!
9:29 pm - Cleveland has now sunk to the bottom of the lake, never to be heard from again.

9:26 pm - MIAMI!

9:25 pm - How important is it to know who knew his decision? We're all about to know in like 5 minutes!

9:23 pm - LeBron looks miserable. I think I also see Stephen A. dressed like a little kid in the stands behind him.

9:16 pm - My heart wants Prokhorov to bust into the gym with some thugs and kidnap the dude.
9:13 pm - Do you think they'll recreate the Tiger Woods podium and background and replace his mom with a random Asian woman?

9:11 pm - LeBron in different jerseys...Amazing production value thus far. Gas bagging and photoshop.

9:07 pm - Welcome to this overblown ego extravaganza!

Oh Please, Oh Please, Oh Please, Oh Please

Zombiescandunk@gmail.com (Zombies Can Dunk) — Wed, 7 Jul 2010 13:40:00 -0700

While I frequent casinos, I've only gambled on sports once in my life, making a then unpopular bet that the Magic would draft Dwight Howard over Emeka Okafor. It was wishful thinking. I won $50 and that was that.

Now I turn to a second bet, with my investment in MSG stock. I sit here hoping and praying that Lebron goes to the Knicks with a look on my face much like that blonde woman below Lebron in the photo above. It's either boom or bust at this point as Amare's presence did little more than have me break even since investing on the stock a few weeks back (actually, at today's close I am down $8, but that's close enough).

Word is that Lebron will be making the announcement in Greenwich, CT...which is closer to NYC than Chicago, Miami, or Cleveland. Furthermore, I find it extremely telling that he decided to get out of him home state for the announcement. If he DOES decide to re-sign with the Cavs or go to the Bulls or Heat, I am calling upon every man, woman, and child to create a human roadblock so he cannot leave the northeast. This will be an airtight plan to keep him here unless he boards a plane.

Our esteemed Taylor Cunningham will be live blogging the announcement tomorrow, and I can hardly wait. Hopefully someone hands him the wrong paper and he accidentally admits to sleeping around on Elin.

Stripper Free Agent News: Chris Duhon Goes To The Magic

Zombiescandunk@gmail.com (Zombies Can Dunk) — Tue, 6 Jul 2010 06:39:00 -0700

Chris Duhon, formerly of the Knicks, is now the backup point guard of the Orlando Magic. How did this story make the top of the site over Amare signing with the Knicks (the same Knicks, whose MSG stock I own is down $20...jackasses...)?

Easy. It's because Amare doesn't have photos like these:

This fixes what I thought was wrong with the backup point guard position on the Magic last year, which is namely that Jason Williams wouldn't look good popping out of a cake.

Almost The Weekend...

Zombiescandunk@gmail.com (Zombies Can Dunk) — Thu, 1 Jul 2010 13:33:00 -0700

I'm going to be in Montreal for the weekend starting tomorrow, so an early end to the week. In the meantime, the rest of you should try to get as much work done as possible. -Much like this chick is getting done in the library:

Get Off The Damn Phone!

Zombiescandunk@gmail.com (Zombies Can Dunk) — Thu, 1 Jul 2010 07:28:00 -0700

Been extremely busy, but more updates will come in the next few weeks.

In the meantime, please enjoy this helpful reminder from this past week to stay the f off of the phone while you are at a sporting event:

Live Blogging: 2010 NBA Draft

Zombiescandunk@gmail.com (Zombies Can Dunk) — Thu, 24 Jun 2010 16:17:00 -0700

9:46 pm - Trevor Booker for two second round small forwards? T-Wolves: Sign me up

9:42 pm - YES! Another forward for Minnesota!

9:40 pm - Was that Charles Smith sitting next to Kevin Durant and talking in his ear? Can someone please get him escorted out of the building ASAP?!?!?!

9:20 pm - It took a little time, but it looks like Minnesota got their small forward.

9:11 pm - YES! Bulls draft another 6'9" forward! Jay: He weighs too much for us. Send him to Washington.

8:50 pm - Please remind me tomorrow to find the YouTube clip of Ed Davis' agent hugging him ever so sweetly.

8:48 pm - These hats are awful. I have nothing funny or more clever than that.

8:39 pm - Have we found the second coming of Eric Montross in Cole Aldrich?!?!?!?!

8:34 pm - "What I got" We're up to 2. This is admittedly better than 15 minutes of encouraging the crowd to contribute to Margaritaville.

8:32 pm - This guy is like a hip-hop show where he randomly stops playing a song. Jay: I wish he'd stop permanently.

8:28 pm - If Hayward were to slick his hair back, he'd look like a coked out Chris Klein.

8:24 pm - Turner?
8:22 pm - Aminu?
8:21 pm - It's the kid from Good Burger!

8:17 Look-a-likes! Flip Saunders and Mark Coleman.

8:14 pm - Greg Monroe's mom took some time off from touring with Sly and the Family Stone to join us today...

8:12 pm - Success. I threw a Cousins-like fit and got it back.

8:09 pm - This place is horrible.... They've given the college world series preference over the draft. Also something called Whacked Out Sports.

8:05 pm - Oh no, he's playing originals now....

8::04 pm - Whoa, how many d-bag Maloof brothers are there?!?!?!

7:54 pm - SHOCKING DEVELOPMENTS: Minnesota has decided to draft only small forwards, NOT - I repeat- NOT point guards.

7:50 pm - Jay: What's the over/under on hearing the term "length" spoken by "draft experts?" 1 billion.

7:49 pm - Cousins is throwing tables backstage right now after NJ picked Favors.

7:45 pm - Over/under on how long it'll take Philly fans to boo Turner? Jay: N/A. No one is going to those games!

7:44 pm - "Crash into me". We're at 1.

7:39 pm - Since Washington is trying to clear as much cap space as possible to sign a max player, how great would it be to see a line-up that includes Wall, Gilbert and Joe Johnson?

7:34 pm - A d-bag has apparently set up to play shitty acoustic guitar music tonight. I'm missing last year's location. What's the over/under on Third Eye Blind, Bon Jovi, Dave Matthews, Sublime, U2, Oasis songs tonight? 11.5.

7:33 pm - I keep mistaking the draft logo for a new video game.

7:32 pm - Jay: So if the Bulls trade Heinrich and Deng, how many power forwards can they max out at?

7:26 pm - It'd be pretty hard to call me racist if you knew my own race, but at first glance I thought that ESPN had brought in Cal Penn as their capologist.

7:18 pm - The NBA Draft is my guiltiest pleasure in sports. I rail against the massive amount of hype that the NFL Draft gets (quick, give me your top 10 right tackles...snooze) so yes, I guess I'm sort of a hypocrite. I can't get enough. This year I'm at TD Homer's in Southington, CT accompanied for a second straight year by Jay. It's Jay. Not Jason. Just Jay. Hopefully the storms don't knock out the cable entirely or the beer kills my laptop.

It's Ron Artest Appreciation Week

Zombiescandunk@gmail.com (Zombies Can Dunk) — Tue, 22 Jun 2010 10:33:00 -0700

Following two amazing postgame interviews, we review an oldie but a goodie: Artest on Jimmy Kimmel. He really is America's new loveable freakshow.

Ronaldo Will Show This Highlight As He Bangs Your Wife

Zombiescandunk@gmail.com (Zombies Can Dunk) — Mon, 21 Jun 2010 18:32:00 -0700

Ronaldo had this goal today, and I immediately surrendered the loins of my wife and every other woman that I hold dear to me. I just can't compete.

If you need me, I'll be practicing soccer out back and throwing gallons of fake tanner on my body.

Artest Is Da Best Part II

Zombiescandunk@gmail.com (Zombies Can Dunk) — Mon, 21 Jun 2010 18:25:00 -0700

Artest Is Da Best

Zombiescandunk@gmail.com (Zombies Can Dunk) — Fri, 18 Jun 2010 10:24:00 -0700

The shout out to the psychiatrist is the best. Can't think of a better way to go into the weekend.

Wait, here's a better way: Noted jackass Glen Davis was wrong on his game 7 prediction and he goes home a loser. THAT'S the best way to go into the weekend. Have a good two days off!

New NBA Logos Aplenty!

Zombiescandunk@gmail.com (Zombies Can Dunk) — Thu, 17 Jun 2010 19:38:00 -0700

While most of you are watching the NBA's final game of the championship series, I'm watching the REAL important thing in the NBA: TEAMS ARE GOING CRAZY AND CHANGING ALL OF THEIR LOGOS!

Witness, with your damn eyes, the new logo:

Oh...wait...that's their old logo from the 90s with the purple substituted for blue. Well, at least it's better than that mountain logo thing they had!

Hold on, hold on a sec...I'm confused. The note logo is their SECONDARY logo, and they KEPT the mountain thing and made THAT blue as well? There's now ORANGE in there TOO?

Well, let's see what the Warrior's new logo looks like:

Um...so their old logo is their new logo too?! Color me confused. I can't believe that they didn't even put some clouds in the sky of that blue circle. While I do think the Warriors "new" logo is an upgrade (the old logo was far too..."San Francisco" if you know what I mean), it's a shame that graphic designers aren't actually coming up with anything new these days.

My only hope is the Nets owner succeeds in making a Russian hooker their new logo for when they move to Brooklyn. Pleeeeeeease let that happen.

Live Blogging Game 7

Zombiescandunk@gmail.com (Zombies Can Dunk) — Thu, 17 Jun 2010 17:34:00 -0700

12:08 PM - Wow, you wonder why people hate Lakers fans? They just booed Bill Russell.

11:58 PM - Ron Ron thanking his psychiatrist was the best part of the entire game!

11:56 PM - So dramatic. Love game 7's. Can't help but notice how excited Kobe is and how unenthusiastic his wife is.

11:46 PM - Then Ray Ray...

11:45 PM - No idea how Boston is still close. Then Ron Ron hits a three on cue.

11:27 PM - A Gladys Knight reference. Way to skew Jurassic, Mark Jackson!

10:51 PM - There ought to be a permanent window in the corner fixated on Andy Garcia's mustache.

10:40 PM - If you're a Boston fan, don't you want everyone to say nothing about how badly Kobe's shooting right now? SHHHHHHHHHHH. Just let it happen...

10:11 PM - How dope would it be if one of the players stopped and admired himself on the big screens in the tunnels on the way back to the locker rooms?!

10:08 PM - Veal!

10:04 PM - Damn, this game has been so tight that I haven't moved a muscle in the longest time. Now Ron Ron and Pierce are going at it again.

9:54 PM - Is there a way to get the un-censored broadcast where there isn't 10 seconds of dead air whenever there's a collision? I would pay for it at this point.

9:27 PM - Anyone have any f'n idea who the hell the guy at the 8:20 mark is in this video? He's at every press conference dressed like that.

He's also here at the 2:39 mark too.

9:13 PM - I think this is what Doc Rivers' pre-game speech to Sheed probably sounded like: "This is what all the ice cream was for. All the jogging, sloppy defense, crappy outside shooting comes down to this. Will you step up or go bat shit crazy? Remember this, if you get a technical foul, it's not like there's a game 8 to be suspended for."

9:02 PM - The Red Hot Chili Peppers should always be playing in the background whenever Jeff Van Gundy speaks.

9:00 PM - The Lakers intro music only reminds me of the weakest and most cliched rock performance ever:

8:56 PM - The most appropriate injury report I've read this week: "Rajon Rondo had to get stitches in the locker room after suffering a Ron Artest."

8:55 PM - This vampire can SING!

8:51 PM - Blah blah blah, the world's worst pre/post game crew is finally over. I expected Magic to say, "This is going back to Boston" at prediction time.

8:34 PM - I'm back! Where have I been?! Who cares because it's Game 7! It's one of those rare days when you're allowed go scream at the TV like they can hear you.

Nice Mommy!

Zombiescandunk@gmail.com (Zombies Can Dunk) — Tue, 15 Jun 2010 14:58:00 -0700

This comes courtesy of barstoolsports.com, and easily made the list of "top 10 things I have seen young children create":

A friend of mine is a kindergarten teacher, for mothers day they were putting together books for their family, filling in the blank about their mothers. This girl was trying to say bike, but this is how it came out.
-Brian

New Magic Logo Time!

Zombiescandunk@gmail.com (Zombies Can Dunk) — Tue, 15 Jun 2010 09:58:00 -0700

I don't know what is going on with my teams lately. The Florida Marlins announced they will get a new logo when they move into their new stadium in 2012, and now the Orlando Magic unveiled a new logo themselves. Check it out:

I know, I know...not very different than what they had. It kinda looks like a sign that would be at Epcot...but to me it marks the complete and utter death of the Penny/Shaq years. -Years that had tons of promise and ended with the two aforementioned stars badmouthing the team into oblivion. Screw those two. New logo, you and I can party anytime.

USA! USA!

Zombiescandunk@gmail.com (Zombies Can Dunk) — Mon, 14 Jun 2010 10:52:00 -0700

In case you haven't heard, England tied the USA soccer team 1-1 in a big upset on Saturday. It was entirely the fault of England goalkeeper Rob Green, who had the ball slip through his hands and into the net.

Thus is it quite random, but funny, that the Sun in the UK uses this publicity photo of England goalkeeper Rob Green on its site:

Looks like he knew something we didn't...

Okay, NOW I'm Excited

Zombiescandunk@gmail.com (Zombies Can Dunk) — Fri, 11 Jun 2010 06:36:00 -0700

I love the Florida Marlins. Partially because they have one of the most absurd mascots in the history of mankind, a fish that is most often seen on the walls of weekend sports fishermen.

Well, new details have leaked about their new stadium, and apparently there will be TWO HUGE AQUARIUMS BEHIND HOME PLATE!

The only thing that could make the team more fun as it fills its seats with roughly 80 crusty, old folks is the thought of a foul ball shattering an aquarium and fish shooting all over the place. Screw the shatterproof glass. If there is one thing I learned Ian Malcolm from Jurassic Park taught me, it is that "nature finds a way". There WILL be fish all over the turf at some point, and I just hope I'm there to see it.

Anyhoo, here are some artists conceptions. Have a great weekend folks!

Hot Cheerleader Wednesday: San Francisco 49ers

Zombiescandunk@gmail.com (Zombies Can Dunk) — Wed, 9 Jun 2010 10:44:00 -0700

I've been quite sick over the past week, which has limited how much I can go to the gym. Ah well, I can still watch other people work out and feel healthy...like this guy:

With that delightful image in mind, it's time for HCW. This week we travel to San Francisco, whose football team is currently mulling a move to Santa Clara. The Santa Clara 49ers doesn't really have much of a ring to it, especially since that area is better known as Silicon Valley, and not an area where gold was mined.

Ah screw it, there are no lakes in Los Angeles and no Jazz in Utah, so here are some damn cheerleaders:

Golden Tate Has Potential

Zombiescandunk@gmail.com (Zombies Can Dunk) — Tue, 8 Jun 2010 15:17:00 -0700

I just read this story on Rotoworld.com, and really there are no words to accompany it so I'll let it speak for itself. What a great way to write the first Seattle Seahawks story for ZCD:

Rookie WR Golden Tate was caught trespassing inside a Top Pot donut shop in Bellevue, Washington at 3:00 a.m. Saturday morning, according to TMZ.com.
Profootballtalk.com confirms the report. Tate and a friend apparently got the munchies after hitting the bar scene. The only problem was that the donut shop was closed while they were scarfing down breakfast. Tate managed to escape arrest, receiving a "trespass warning" instead. While he should also avoid league discipline, he won't be so fortunate when it comes to rookie hazing at training camp. Jun. 8 - 2:26 pm et

Woody Is The Man

Zombiescandunk@gmail.com (Zombies Can Dunk) — Tue, 8 Jun 2010 10:53:00 -0700

No you are not hallucinating. This really is Woody Harrelson scoring the winning goal in a soccer game in the UK. The game was an "England vs. The Rest Of The World" game, with famous players mixed in with celebrities (You'll see Mike Myers in there somewhere too).

Anyhoo, just adding more to the legend that is Woody Harrelson. Be sure to watch this while drunk to make it all the more otherworldly: