Zook Book Nook

Staying Connected

2014-08-28T10:14:00.002-07:00

The last few years have been marked in my life by big changes, lots of learning: We welcomed our third daughter, we survived two deployments, we moved from one coast to the other, and now my second daughter is starting kindergarten and our oldest is entering second grade.

In the midst of all of this I've been able to continue writing short stories!

But during this time I pulled away from the Internet and loved it! It's been I think over two years, maybe more, since I deleted my Facebook account, and I don't miss it at all. I may or may not use this blog as a springboard for writing about motherhood, but I thought I'd activate it again to be publicly viewed again for some time.

In the meantime, I'm playing around with a new blog I've started to focus entirely on writing hooks! I love hooks! So please stop over at The Good Hook.

Could I Have Fed My Children in 10,000BC?

2013-10-13T19:00:00.000-07:00

Always a spring of creativity, Stasha of The Good Life at northwestmommy, challenges us this week to come up with a list for her Monday Listicles on the topic of food and thinking!

Where to begin?
Grocery lists.
Recipes.
Ingredient labels.
Pinterest.

We see the normal, average foods piling up in our grocery cart, lining our pantries, gathering mold in our refrigerators, but how often do we see their origin, unless in our gardens out back?

So in order to make this into a teachable moment for my daughters, and a history lesson for me so I can sound impressive at the dinner table tonight, I've taken it upon myself to find 10 foods that make me think of the world when it first began, well, maybe when humans first started transitioning from being hunters and gatherers to farmers and cultivators.

10 Foods That Make Me Think Of Trying to Feed My Children Thousands of Years Ago

(in case I climb aboard a time machine and plug in 10,000BC)

Insects - So I've eaten a chocolate-dipped cricket, once, a long time ago, but I think I'd have to crawl around in the muck, digging for grubs, and teach my girls how to swallow them whole.
Almonds - 10,000BC and I'd be identifying these, scaling mountains and crossing deserts, to get almonds if it means no more bugs.
Einkorn grain - Never heard of it, but supposedly it was one of the first cereals available in 16,000BC, right next to Lucky Charms I believe. Pass me the milk, please. But wait, cows weren't domesticated until 6,000BC.
Cherries - These may not take the place of chocolate, but if my 1 year old can eat a dozen maraschino cherries in less than a minute, I have to think these would be on our stone slab table for dinner every night.
Bread - Thank goodness this was invented in 10,000BC. In my family, "thunder thighs" are a sign we have ancestors who were champion bread consumers.
Wine and Beer - Who knew wine and beer count in the food pyramid of the world's oldest foods? As a mother in 7,000BC I wonder which my daughters would have preferred?
Cucumbers - Jumping forward to 5,000 BC, because my middle daughter literally eats six or more cucumbers a day, and I'm not talking about the baby size ones.
Ice Cream - 3000BC and I'm dying to know how they made it without ice and our Snoopy snowcone maker and sugar, since sugar didn't appear until 1200BC.
Peas and Carrots - Now this is something I could have grown, harvested, cooked and consumed alongside my girls in 3000BC.
Blood as food - in the first century, in puddings and soups, and I'm about to barf as I type this, so let's add a #11 to sweeten this list.
Cheesecake - also a first century food, and I'm guessing they didn't have a springform pan, but I'd take this over blood pudding any day of the week.

So maybe we would have been a little scrawny with a few cavities and sticky fingers, but I thank my ancestors from 10,000BC for finding food, cultivating it, cooking it, and providing for their children. I've always dreamed of going back in time to the dawn of Homo sapiens, but I don't know if I could stomach it.

A Dog, A Family

2013-10-10T10:46:00.003-07:00

We meet a lot of bloggers. Some stand out and we return again and again to their blog.

Since I began this blog in 2007 I've come to love many blogs, but in the past couple of years I've found one that I return to over and over again: The Good Life by Stasha at northwestmommy.

From her Monday Listicles to her amazing photography to her voice, Stasha's blog rings with honesty and beauty. She writes sincere comments and truly values everyone's voice.

And then today I discovered on her blog this beautiful short movie starring her son and dog. In case you haven't seen her dog in photos before, it is HUGE. But this short movie shows us the beauty of Stasha's life, so I hope you enjoy it as much as I have.

Here's the link: http://www.northwestmommy.com/2013/better-with-pets

I've shared this with family and friends already and now I want to share it with you in case you might want to pass it on to others!

What Will the Future Be Like for My Children?

2013-10-07T12:30:00.001-07:00

It's easy to let our minds go down the path of answering the question: "What will the future be like for my children?"

Sure we wonder what our children will be like in the future, but I have more say in that than the amount of control I have over the future world for our children. What will the world be like in 50 years when I am 85 and my daughter are possibly grandmothers themselves?

I believe the Internet has sprung this leak inside our minds. We demand, we believe we need, we expect quick fixes, fast solutions, and answers available with a click of a button.

But the frontiers have disappeared and our children's minds first face a digital screen, a blinking cursor, instead of card catalogs, weather reports in newspapers, blades of grass in an open field. I've read numerous articles and books about the positives and negatives of exposure time to computers, TVs, cell phones, iPads, etc, but it's not so much as 'exposure' that I worry about but the fact that our children will never know a life without all things digital.

How do we teach our children that answers are earned, solutions are the result of time and energy, fixes are rewards of creativity and work?

Modeling. I need to model it for my girls.
I should stop "Googling it."
I should turn my cell phone off for the entire day.
I should purchase a newspaper and read it with them.

What I'd really love to do is unplug it all. Get rid of the TV, the cell phone, the iPad, the computer. Physically it's not impossible. Unplug, pack up and put them away in a non-accessible place.

But how hard would it be to do the day-to-day functions in our society today?
Maybe not as hard as I fear, maybe.

Recycling that Prescription

2013-10-05T19:29:00.000-07:00

As I sat on the examining table at my doctor's office, bending over so the doctor could look at the irritated mole on the back of my neck, I coughed. A phlegmy, thick, mucousy cough (sorry for TMI), a cough I've had for over a year that comes and goes.

Out whipped my doctor's prescription pad and he scribbled away.
Take this antibiotic, he said.

Oh, this cough, it's nothing, I said. Just drainage and it coats my throat.

He shook his head and insisted I fulfill the prescription for yet another antibiotic.

I call my doctor's office the antibiotic-happy clinic, because every time I go in for whatever random reason, I leave with at least one antibiotic prescription in hand.

And I rarely take them to the pharmacy to actually get the medicine.

Of course I do for serious things, like strep throat.

But my doctor once kept prescribing a variety of antibiotics, one after the other after the other, for the close within the appropriate range of bacteria in my urine. She wanted the numbers to be smack dab in the middle of the correct range.

Weeks and weeks went by of taking different types of antibiotics with no effect. And finally I said no.

I said no, because I am quite alright with the bacteria in my urine.
I am not alright with exposing my body and all of its microbes to different antibiotics that kill off healthy bacteria.

Maybe some of my readers will disagree with this, maybe they take everything the doctor prescribes, but maybe, just maybe, the doctors aren't always prescribing antibiotics as they should. Maybe some doctors are too antibiotic-happy?

The Things We Ask

2013-10-04T10:05:00.003-07:00

I often catch myself 'telling' my daughters...

Please pick up your room.
Eat your peas.
This is the third time I've 'asked' you to get your shoes on this morning.

With all of this telling I begin to wonder what I ask them...

Did you go potty yet?
What would you like to drink, milk or water?
It's time to leave for school, where are your shoes?

The majority of our day is filled with these basic telling and asking statements.
Shouldn't it be filled with more thought-provoking ideas and questions?
Shouldn't I be framing their growth: mental, emotional, spiritual?

Maybe it's no wonder when I turn to my writing and find myself struggling to dig deep into the characters and carve out a unique plot.

Maybe life is just too simple minded, at the moment.

Before I know it my girls will be 13, 15, and 17, and then I'll be missing the simplicity of statements like "Make your bed" and "Did you wash your hands?"

Shutting Down

2013-10-01T08:39:00.000-07:00

Shutting down happens often in our lives...

Writers block and the mind turns off, fingers poised above the keyboard, hovering, waiting.

Internet wireless turns off in the middle of My Little Pony, resulting in shrieks, even though this is the 100th time they've seen that particular episode.

My tongue, my words, my mind shut down at any attempt to have a conversation with any adult that doesn't involve the words poop, cutie-pie, kisses, and sleep.

But now, now we have another shut down, a big one: the government.

I'm grateful our President has come to the aid of military families: we will receive our paychecks. My husband continues to go to work every day for the Navy, and we won't be receiving IOU's from the government. An IOU like my sisters and I used to write on scraps of paper when we 'borrowed' a left-over piece of Halloween candy or a favorite colored pencil.

IOU Sis for eating your last sucker.

While members of congress don't have to worry about their finances this week other federal workers will go without pay.

And doors will be closed. One shutdown leading to the shutdown of many others: parks, the National Zoo, museums, offices, federal loans...

But one thing won't shut down: the voice of the American people. Our voice can conquer this shutdown. Make a change. Open up.

Are You Jingling Yet?

2013-09-29T19:00:00.000-07:00

Costco seemed to have passed over a couple of holidays as I'm already seeing Christmas trees lit up in their store! Nevertheless, my favorite month, October, will soon arrive.

The hot apple cider, roasted pumpkin seeds, jack-o-lanterns aglow, cool mornings, sweaters and jeans, and lots and lots of baking.

Of course there is the craziness of stores marketing their holiday gear, but within our little nook we have the simplicity of the holidays. There's also the fact that I'll be turning 36 this month, but I like even numbers over odd. And then there's the hundreds of trick-or-treaters we get, some of whom are adults wearing no costumes and with no kids in tow.

But who doesn't love this time of year! The hustle and bustle and the merry jingle in our footsteps.

So here's how I'm preparing for the holiday season...

1. Stop the flood of catalogs. When we moved to our new home, we received literally hundreds of catalogs in the mail over the course of the first year. I finally found a way to stop them coming once and for all: Catalog Choice! A must for the holidays!

2. Beat the holiday bulge. I'm working on losing 10% of my body weight mainly for the health benefits but also because if I do so I win a prize from an awesome health company!

3. Opting for Halloween toys. Seeing as how we still have bags of Halloween candy leftover from last year that my daughters never ate, this year we ordered a variety of nicknacks and toys from Oriental Trading to hand out to trick or treaters.

4. A Minnesota winter. Last year we were running through the sprinklers in December, so we're hoping to see a bit of snow this year when we visit my mom.

5. Sorting and giving away. It's time I go through my youngest closet, sifting through her clothes. Giving away the 12 month, even the 18 month clothes. When did my baby get to be a toddler?

6. Baking. It never ends. With Russian tea cakes, Grandma's jam thumbprints, cyclops, sugar cookies, gingerbread men, Swedish meatballs, date bars, monkey faces, chocolate dipped pretzels, cornflake wreaths, peppermint bark...

7. Card writing. Families keep growing. Friends become dearer. And my list keeps getting longer. Will the USPS raise the price of stamps to 50 cents before the holiday? I've run out of the Forever stamps I bought years ago.

8. Holiday shopping. I'm going to try harder this year. Last Christmas morning it took us hours to open all of the presents. We don't need more stuff. Maybe, just maybe, we could all simply make a gift for each other this year. Or next?

9. The big move. Our time here on the west coast is quickly coming to an end and we will be moving in the spring. Our to do list is huge: new carpet thanks to our puppy, painting the house, giving the landscaping a tune up, collecting things for Amvets before we move, finding a new home, researching the schools and selecting the best one, putting the house on the market, and filing the paperwork with the moving company.

10. Saying good-bye. We've never lived in a place for more than 18 months or so, and here we've had over three years in our home. This will be our last holiday season with friends and neighbors. Our girls will have to say bye to friends. Our dog will leave the only home she's ever known. No longer will we have the luxury of having a swimming pool next to our house. I'll miss the year-round 70 degree days. And I'll miss our friends, our church, our community.

Dating Jane in Ukraine

2013-09-26T13:09:00.001-07:00

Within a week of turning my blog back to public after being private for several months, I noticed that I was (and still am) getting a lot of hits from Ukraine, and all for a particular post I wrote called "Janeology."

At first I worried that maybe someone in another country had translated the book Janeology and might be selling it for profit, but then I Googled Ukraine and Zook and this is what I stumbled upon:

a dating site called Zoosk

and then I realized Jane is probably one of the most common names, not sure how common it is in the Ukraine.

So I put one plus one together, and I have to the conclusion that my far far eastern readers come to my blog searching for a date with Jane.

I'm curious what other bloggers have experienced with posts and their audiences, far and wide!

At Risk

2013-09-23T21:03:00.000-07:00

As a little girl, I feared my mother being taken away from me.
As a young woman, I cast my 'invincibility cloak' over my mother's shoulders as well as mine.
As an adult, I understood the grief of losing my father to cancer.
As a mother, I find it difficult to breathe when I imagine the future without my mother and my daughters' future without me.

I'm not a hypochondriac. But as I begin to take back my body by exercising, eating right, and taking the best vitamins in the market, I do wonder what are my risks.

And so I stumbled upon a website that hosts a questionnaire to assess a person's risk for the top diseases affecting us today. So if you happen to be asking yourself the same question I did: "What is my risk of disease, be it breast cancer, heart disease, diabetes, etc?" then I hope this questionnaire may help you to find your answer.

So far, I'm below average at risk for breast cancer and osteoporosis. Great news, right?
But I'm not invincible.

Gone are the days from when I was in my 20's and slept in a casita with scorpions under my covers, tarantulas on my pillows, and mice pooping on my pillow during the night.

Gone are the days when I could eat a few slices of pizza and not see the immediate addition to my mama belly.

Gone are the days when I dreamed that we could all live forever and that I'd never have to say goodbye to loved ones.

But there's no use worrying today about tomorrow. And as Ben Franklin once said, "keep in the sunlight," and I don't think he was talking about getting our daily dose of Vitamin D to reduce our risk of disease.

Do not anticipate trouble, or worry about what may never happen.

Keep in the sunlight.
Benjamin Franklin

The 400th Lap

2013-09-22T20:09:00.000-07:00

It came as quite a shock this evening as I sat down to write this post when I discovered it will be the 400th published post on my blog. I had no idea I've written so much.

Becoming a mom six years ago also marked when I left the road I had worked so hard to build (a career in teaching) to pursue the path of a writer (my childhood passion and dream).

Much of this blog explores the similarity between motherhood and writing, its bumps, bruises, and shining moments. But so much more of my being is devoted towards being a mom, and I know over time I am evolving to be a better mom.

My writing, however, feels more like it is on a track. I cycle around and around, never quite reaching the higher level, the level that would put me side by side with creative writers working on their MFAs. And that is my dream, my unspoken dream, to pursue my MFA.

But with two masters degrees already and three daughters whose college educations we hope to pay for and a retirement from the military on the horizon, how could I possibly expect to pursue the MFA, especially if I may not take that degree to teach creative writing with it?

I've tried the online classes for creative writing, in person writers workshops, writing conferences, numerous books on writing, etc. Maybe my writing has improved slightly, but it's a very slow process. I'm not expecting to leap forward into the realm of writing giants, especially since I don't get a chance to write each day, but the over-achiever in me wants to be a better writer. I want to look back at short stories I wrote a few months before and not cringe.

So that's one writer-mama's dream, something I'm looking forward to, one day when all three girls are in school and maybe, just maybe, I can write everyday and get to the point I want to be.

So my top ten looking forward moments through the lens of a writer-mama are as follows:

1. Writing for hours, not minutes, in a cafe.
2. Attending a week-long writing retreat, somewhere in the mountains, by a lake, in a cabin, on a porch.
3. Actually publishing more than one short story in a year.
4. Joining a writing group, because I can meet with them weekly and not have to hire a babysitter to do so.
5. Creating my very own creativity room in our future home. A room full of books, a writing desk with a fabulous lamp, my art canvases and oils, and a door that shuts.
6. Teaching a workshop to kids about nature writing.
7. Winning the lottery so I can apply for my dream MFA.
8. Publish a collection of short stories that I am proud of.
9. Finish a novel in its entirety instead of stopping at 20,000 and 30,000 words.
10. Call myself a writer, an author, feeling 100% in my heart that I am truly living that dream.

And in that distant future, I think I will no longer feel like I am on a track running lap after lap with my writing. I will be evolving forward just like I have been as a mother for the past six years.

What Do You Read While Driving?

2013-09-19T04:00:00.000-07:00

A newspaper? (as I observed a man doing on I-55 South heading to Memphis)

A napkin? (as I observed someone writing on while driving in the rain on I-270 in St. Louis)

A magazine? (as I observed a man on a moped doing in Costa Rica)

A Facebook post?
A tweet?
A text?
An incoming call's phone number?

It's National Child Passenger Safety Week, and until now, I never knew that. Until today.

I don't text while driving, but I do talk on the phone on speaker. But even that is distracting.
Just looking down to pick up the phone and hit talk.
One, two, three seconds.
That's all it may take for a boy to chase his ball out in the street.

But today, I watched a man in front of me, dropping to 15 mph below the speed limit while he visibly tapped away on his phone while driving. Texting.

It is frightening. It is selfish.

So I decided to make a pledge on behalf of my family.
I'm driving phone-free.

I can't think of any reason I should be distracted and risking the lives of my children and everyone else on the road.

But these "Faces of Distracted Driving" and the three little faces of my daughters in my rear view mirror are my reason for choosing to be phone-free.

Sugar-Coating It

2013-09-18T17:07:00.002-07:00

I overheard Negative Nancy complaining to my daughters this morning. And then I caught a glimpse of Pessimistic Pam in the bathroom mirror.

Sure my day started at 4a.m. with a 21 month old who wouldn't stop screaming, for two hours. But why did I have to go all sourpuss on my two older daughters?

Do you sugarcoat your day?

You get the kids to school and drop them off. Sugarcoating the morning with smiles to other parents.

You forgo the gym, because your baby already needs a nap. Sugarcoating your image, what's one missed day?

You make a couple of phone calls for work. Sugarcoating the words with pumped-up energy that you really don't have at all.

I feel so false. Why do I put on this happy face? But who wants to see the real, ragged face?

Certainly not my children. They deserve better. They deserve love and smiling eyes.
But my daughters are the ones who see the real me more than anyone else.

Are We Better Off?

2013-09-17T04:00:00.000-07:00

Every decade, I stand amazed, frightened, in awe, fixated, and inspired by the ever changing world around me.

But, are we better off?

Are we better off knowing what life was like before the Internet?

Are we better off having roamed the neighborhood on a bicycle, alone and unafraid?

Are we better off with processed foods?

Are we better off with drones?

Are we better off with zero-lot lining housing, instant mashpotatoes, potted herbs lining the kitchen window?

Are we better off with cell phones?

Are we better off with overnight mail?

Are we better off with shoes that make us jump higher, Wii game consoles that get us moving indoors, schools with no art, music, or PE?

Are we better off with iPad entranced kids in the waiting rooms of doctors' offices, miniTVs in cars on road trips, surfing the Internet, browsing celebrity magazines in the check out lane of grocery stores, ads flashing on websites?

Are we better off with Facebook? with Twitter?

Are we better off living in a world without dinosaurs?

Is our world better off living with humans?

10 Things I Have a Crush On

2013-09-16T04:00:00.000-07:00

When my husband's ship is out to sea and our three girls are screaming banshees and our dog won't stop barking and this darn headache won't diminish, I have a crush or two or three on life...

1. squeeze - my now size ten feet into my old size nine shoes, still defeated
2. crumple - the remains of my daughter's Goldfish crackers under my big feet
3. crease - all of my clothes; did I ever have time to iron?
4. deform - sadly, my face when my girls wake me at 5 after being up during the night with them
5. pulverize - seriously, my brain at the end of the long, long day after a long sleepless night

But there's hope, there's wine and chocolate, there's a good book, there's my husband's ship on the horizon (anchored), there's bedtime, and then I have a serious crush or two or three on life...

6. adore - my daughters laughing at one another over breakfast
7. admire - myself for holding it altogether, getting the laundry done, keeping the house clean, and still finding time to manage my business
8. desire - my evenings to write, to work, to read
9. yearn - more time at the gym, as I'm so glad I finally joined
10. love - my husband and our girls all being together Sunday morning in bed before he heads to the ship

And thank you to The Good Life for bringing back into the swing of lists and Monday Listicles!

This Blog is Stuck in the Muck

2013-09-14T16:10:00.001-07:00

I've been on a long hiatus from blogging, so long I really don't know what to do with my blog anymore.

First, I pulled away from the Internet.
I couldn't recall when I deleted my Facebook account, so I had to look it up: May 2012.
Then I made my blog private, and no longer wrote posts.
I stopped reading blogs.
And that's when the absence of the Internet really sunk in...

It felt great, wonderful, freeing, wholesome, and relaxing.

And life with three daughters now with a husband consistently working six to seven days a week for the Navy keeps me so busy I have little time to write short stories.

Maybe I missed blogging a little bit. I definitely don't miss Facebook or Twitter.
I do miss reading the stories written by bloggers who share with us their daily struggles, their sorrows and joys, their frustrations and encouragements, their bravery to let it all out there.

So I keep turning back to my blog and wondering what to make of it.
It's here for my daughters to read one day, although my third daughter will find so little of her in it.

But I still don't feel comfortable with the idea of sharing parts of myself and my family with strangers. Not the people who comment on my blog, but the ones coming to my blog from far away places, never knowing who they are or what their purpose is.

So my blog will continue on, but with a vague focus on my family, serving more of a purpose to explore ideas and questions I have.

Struggling with Privacy

2012-12-19T11:26:00.003-08:00

My voice on this blog has been silent for months. When my father passed away from cancer I withdrew. I deleted my Facebook account (and have been happier without it) and I stayed home more. For some time now I have been thinking about closing down my blog as well.

Why do I write on this blog and hit submit for strangers to read anywhere in the world? So many bloggers have commented on this blog, genuine comments that helped me get through my husband's deployment when I was pregnant with our third daughter and that offered me comfort when my father died. I am grateful for their support, so grateful. But why did I write about all of my 'stuff' in the first place for anyone to read? Why am I writing this now?

To figure things out. To work through my emotional and mental questions.

But in the months that I've been absent here, I have found the sources of viewers coming from foreign websites and I wonder what it is they are getting from my blog. And then I think about what I want from this blog. Yes, it is so helpful to share with other bloggers our ideas, concerns, feelings, challenges, but then I wonder who else is reading this information and what they are learning about me.

So for now I am going to switch on the privacy option for my blog until I reach a point in the future when I feel like coming out from under my shell again.

This post will be up for a few days to say thank to everyone who has ever visited my blog! I appreciate you as readers and bloggers.

Kindergarten Has Started

2012-07-25T16:39:00.002-07:00

My oldest girl had a big day today (and so did my husband and I). We sailed into kindergarten and we made it through the goodbyes with dry eyes and full smiles.

Our daughter's confidence continues to amaze us. We had to beg her for hugs this morning as she was dancing on the tips of her toes to bolt into her kindergarten room for the very first time. Her younger sister also pranced on her toes in anticipation for her older sister.

I didn't watch the clock (every hour), but my other two daughters and I missed her all day. She is my firecracker, full of spunk and cheer. As I pushed our 8 month old baby girl in the stroller up the hill behind my husband and two older girls, I watched my oldest twirl and skip on her way to kindergarten.

I don't envy her teacher for having 24 little munchkins to teach, but I do envy her for having my little girl all day long! We all miss her!

How Well Do You Know Yourself?

2012-07-09T20:17:00.001-07:00

The August issue of The Oprah Magazine arrived in the mail today and with it a little quiz to help the reader determine the answer to the question:

How well do you know yourself?

So I decided to turn my journey in discovering my answer to this question here on my blog.

Where Do You Find Joy?

What I Love...

I could blow an entire rainy afternoon reading books.

When I was a kid, I used to love to paint with my oils on a canvas in my art studio (a teeny tiny closet under the basement stairs that my dad turned into a place for me to pain).

I've always wanted to become really good at writing.

If I could do one thing every day of my life, it would be to read a book uninterrupted, without guilt, and in a very deliciously comfortable couch.

I can lose track of time when I'm sitting on the floor watching my 7-month old daughter play with her toys.

Nothing clears my head like the smell of an orange being peeled and running a red light unexpectedly.

When I'm feeling drained, all I want to do is sink into our old, soft couch and have my daughters brush my hair (even though they turn my corkscrew curls into a "big ball of bouncy fuzz," according to my 5-year old daughter).

I feel most connected to my body when I'm walking daily, following a healthy diet of fruits, veggies, grains & tofu, and sleeping at least six hours in a row.

In my daydreams, I imagine myself writing with such intensity that I am burning a hole in the paper and knowing that my writing will open the minds of people around the world (yes, I'd like to win a Pulitzer one day!).

I get a shot of energy when I find myself sandwiched in bed with my three daughters and husband all around me.

The Missing

2012-07-08T21:01:00.001-07:00

I never knew how much I'd miss my dad.

As a little girl, I missed him when he traveled for work.
I worried he would have a heart attack like his father did when my dad was in his early 20's.
As I grew older, I missed sharing moments together on the softball field, on long car trips to soccer tournaments, and sitting around the kitchen table playing games.

But now my dad is in heaven, and I miss him deeper than I have ever missed anyone in my life.

So I sit here, trying to wrap my brain around this Monday Listicle: 10 Things I Would Miss If I Died Today and 10 Things I Won't Miss If I Died Today (from The Good Life and Nora Ephron).

I wonder what my dad is missing, if we truly experience the feeling of loss in heaven. My own list is going to be heartwrenching to create and write, because after sitting beside my dad as he took his last breath I know how close we all are to death, how short this life here on earth is.

10 Things I Would Miss If I Died Today

1. Watching my oldest daughter dance to her music from India and run up to me at the end for a big hug.
2. My second daughter's warm hug that makes me feel as if I am basking in sunshine.
3. My youngest daughter's sweet warm breath and soft caresses of her fingertips.
4. My husband's strong, supporting hugs and the sound of his voice filling up our home with joy.
5. Knowing the women my daughters will one day become.
6. Growing old with my husband.
7. Sunsets and the falling of leaves in the fall.
8. The comforting sound of my mom and sisters' voices.
9. The hum of God in nature that flows into me when I see the branches of trees move in the wind.
10. The hope I see in people, everyday, despite the struggles we go through as a species on earth.

10 Things I Won't Miss If I Died Today

1. Facebook (I haven't missed it one day since I deleted my account)
2. Clutter (I wish I could figure out how to have less in my home)
3. War
4. Human trafficking
5. Bullying
6. Cancer
7. Cell phones
8. Impatience (me included)
9. Long lines
10. Shopping

All Things Girl

2012-07-02T20:29:00.002-07:00

A little story offering a glimpse into my days (and nights) as a naturalist in a tropical rain forest can be found at All Things Girl: "A Naturalist's Nightly Mates."

Slate, Atlantic... It's all about being a woman

2012-06-28T08:39:00.001-07:00

Did you happen to catch this on Slate?

My Second Best Hour

2012-06-19T04:00:00.000-07:00

My, how my life has changed since I wrote this post almost one year ago...

My Best Hour (in July 2011, during my husband's deployment, during my pregnancy)

Just another typical, average morning...

4:00a.m. - I awake thinking I heard my two-year-old daughter calling for me.

4:20a.m. - Two-year-old is actually SCREAMING for me.

4:30a.m. - Daughter refuses to cuddle with me in my bed, still SCREAMING b/c she wants to go downstairs.

4:31a.m. - Six-month-old puppy starts to whine and bark.

4:33a.m. - Daughter sits on the couch while I put the puppy outside.

4:40a.m. - Puppy starts to wake up entire neighborhood with her barking and chasing after a stray cat.

4:41a.m. - Me, in my PJs and disheveled hair, chasing the puppy who is chasing the cat in the backyard.

4:45a.m. - Two-year-old daughter is eating only the marshmallows from a bowl of Lucky Charms.

4:50a.m. - My four-year-old is now awake and asking for a bowl of Lucky Charms.

4:55a.m. - I vow to never buy Lucky Charms again as I vacuum up all of the non-marshmallow bits.

5:00a.m. - I chase my two-year-old who pooped in her diaper & is now running off, diaperless.

Now, it is 2012, and this is how my typical, average morning unfolds...

5:00a.m. - Nurse my baby for the 2nd or 3rd time and watch her go back to sleep in her crib effortlessly (something my other two girls never ever, not once, did)

5:20a.m. - Cuddle with my husband if he has not already left for work.

5:30a.m. - Stretch, curl under my blankets, and listen to the birds sing outside.

5:35a.m. - Smile at the sound of little 3 and 5 year old feet running down the hall to my room.

5:45a.m. - Get sandwiched by my two older daughters as they cuddle with me in my bed.

5:50a.m. - Listen to my daughters scamper back to their room to get dressed for the day.

6:00a.m. - Take a 10 minute shower, a luxury, knowing my baby won't wake up for another 10 minutes or so.

Yes, it is wonderful to have a baby who sleeps well and to have children who are just a little bit more independent than they were just one year ago.

Brain, Child... I'll Miss You

2012-06-18T18:00:00.000-07:00

When I created a digital literary magazine, The Motherhood Muse, that focused on nature and motherhood, I had my favorite motherhood literary magazine (Brain, Child) in my heart. The quality of writing in Brain, Child made me hunger for more. After publishing four issues of The Motherhood Muse I had to shut it down as I couldn't break even with the costs, but I happily continued reading Brain, Child.

And now I am sad to find out in The New York Times article "The End of Brain, Child Magazine," that Brain, Child's last issue is the Summer 2012 issue.

They are handling it all with grace as they are making plans to continue publishing in the form of books and by writing a heartfelt message to its readers. And if you are like me, with a subscription set all the way until Winter 2013, Brain, Child is transitioning the remaining subscription time to three different possible magazines of our choosing on their website.

But it makes me so sad that I won't continue to see Brain, Child in my mailbox after this summer, because Brain, Child is one of those few magazines I really, really looked forward to getting. The kind that made me jump when I saw it in the mailbox. The kind that I curled up on the couch with and read it cover to cover, even the small details that in other magazines I tend to gloss over.

I know literary magazines struggle to make a go of it, especially those that specialize in a certain field. I loved creating, editing, and publishing The Motherhood Muse, but the interest in readership never grew like I hoped it would. I assumed everyone who wished to read creative writing about motherhood subscribed to Brain, Child and it would continue to flourish.

Thank you Brain, Child editors, publishers, writers and readers for so many insightful, thought-provoking, and enriching pieces of writing you have shared with us. We will miss you!

Mad Money

2012-06-17T12:10:00.000-07:00

I can't recall the year nor how old I was when my dad gave me "Mad Money."

He said to me, "Kimmie, spend this $200 any way you like. Just go mad with it and have fun."

Quite a thing to say to me, because (1) my dad grew up in a family not as well off as the one I grew up in, and (2) I was and am very conservative with my money.

A couple of weeks went by and my two sisters had "gone mad with the money," but I still had mine. The Libra indecisiveness in me keeping me deadlocked in between the two 100 dollar bills. My dad just laughed and shook his head at me.

I think it took me several months before I finally spent that "Mad Money," and most likely I spent it on...

books.

Which brings me to today's Monday Listicles, hosted by Stasha of The Good Life.
She's given us each $1,000, an overwhelming amount of "Mad Money."

This should be a fun assignment, right?
But it is actually, kind of, in some weird, twisted way bringing agony to my heart.

Not only am I indecisive, but I am guilty of feeling greedy if I think of using the money on me in materialistic ways.

Shouldn't I use the $1,000 to sponsor a child in need or to provide clothing and food to the homeless?
If not, I know I should put it in my three daughters' savings account at the bank.
Or spend it on my husband, who never buys anything for himself.
Or improve our house with it.
Or go organic for my girls.
Or a plane ticket to Costa Rica for my family.
Or. Or. Or...

Sigh, why is this so difficult? Why can't I let go and have fun with "Mad Money?"

Wait, it is only hypothetical money gifted to me! If it was real, I know I'd struggle for days with indecisiveness, only to end up putting it in our savings account.

So Stasha's gift, truly is a gift for someone like me, because I can push the pause button on reality and slip into my pseudo-real world of "Kim Eases Up" or "Non-Serious Kim."

So thank you Stasha.
I'd like to dedicate this list to you! And to my dad, who I hope is laughing and shaking his head at me as I proceed forward with my $1,000 of "Pseudo Mad Money."

1. An electric gravy warmer (how sweet is warm, non-congealed gravy on a cold fall day!)
$1,000 - $19.95 = $980.05
Cha-ching!

2. Push Pop Containers (because these just look like so much fun to make for my kiddos)
$980.05 - $64.65 = $915.40
Cha-ching!

3. Any of these courses in the Creative Writing Program
$915.40 - $295 = $620.40
Cha-ching!

4. Bra-llelujah! (because after nursing three babies up to 18 months my boobies just aren't what they used to be)
$620.40 - $62 = $558.40
Cha-ching!

5. A winning MegaMillion lottery ticket so I could buy this glass greenhouse of my dreams!
$558.40 - $1 = $557.40
Cha-ching!

6. Date-night with my hubby! ($40 for the sitter, $60 for us)
$557.40 - $100 = $457.40
Cha-ching!

7. On Writing Short Stories (the price of this book makes me think of my college days and how much money I spent on textbooks!)
$457.40 - $36.81 = $420.59
Cha-ching!

8. Massage Boots (to help with my restless leg syndrome)
$420.59 - $119.95 = $300.64
Cha-ching!

9. A large grove of trees in memory of my dad
$300.64 - $100.64 = $200

10. The first two 100 dollar bills I ever had in my possession, the ones my dad gave me that he called "Mad Money," and a do-over in time (a time machine), so I could go mad with the money with my dad by my side, feasting on Swedish Pancakes with extra lingenberries at Grandma Sally's, playing all the pinball machines at the arcade, buying new soccer cleats and finally, finally being able to beat my dad in a race, and then filling up the tank to drive out into the mountains to hunt out constellations with a brand new pair of binoculars.
$200 - my dad's $200 = priceless

Dad, I love you! Do you hear me, can you read these words from where you are on the other side? I really, really wish I would have used that mad money with you, because I miss your voice, I miss hearing you calling me "Kimmie," and I just really wish we could look at the stars again, together, after tossing the softball back and forth in the twilight until Mom calls us inside.