ZSP: Zombie Survival Plans

As promised: Zombies in the petrol station

2013-11-15T01:39:00.000+00:00

Hello all, hope you're well and that the scratching sound outside is the cat trying to get in and not the undead hordes trying to chow down on your grey matter.

This update, which has been unpublished for almost 2 years is designed to get you through a zombie attack in a petrol (or gas for those of you reading elsewhere in the world) station.

Look around you. Don't you feel safer already. There's food there that may last for years and years and enough cigarettes to keep you in lung cancer for a lifetime.

What's that you say? You're sat on top of a huge reserve of a highly flammable substance at a time when the whole world's gone to hell in a hand basket?

Oh, yeah, I see your point.

But there are sweets and chocolates in abundance, is that not good enough for you?

You want to escape alive and take the chocolate with you?!

Fine, I'll see what I can do.

Higher function destroying blood infection / Risen from the dead:
Oh yeah. This thing's plodded up to the glass and seen you buying a mars bar and is now gawking at you through the window. Depending on the layout of the shop area you're now going to be confronted with one of two things.

A zombie bumping repeatedly into reinforced bulletproof glass
This is actually potentially the best scenario to buy you a little time. If there's no automatic door or you have a handle that says PULL from the outside you're probably relatively safe… for now. Assuming there's only a small group of the breathingly challenged outside the door you've a fairly good chance of dispatching them without incident. As well as lifelong snacks you most likely have some vehicular supplies within your grasp.

Tire iron / fire extinguisher:

Reach for the old favourite the tire iron or failing that the fire extinguisher most petrol stations have on site. You will potentially need to force the door open with some effort to give yourself room to get out of the shop and give yourself room to manoeuvre.

When you get outside DO NOT BE TEMPTED TO LIGHT ANYTHING ON FIRE. It doesn't end well as can be seen here.

I know a lot of people say this but here it is particularly important. You are just going to end up with everything on fire and ultimately an explosion will happen. Get as much gas into the best vehicle on the forecourt you can and drive away as safely as you can - don't get nailed at the intersection leaving the forecourt because the adrenalin's pumping.

If you're in scenario two and there's automatic doors that Joe Dead has just wandered through and is now ambling down the aisle toward you then there's a bit more of a problem. Knocking over a display stand may buy you some time to get to the tire irons if they're behind you but what if they're behind the zombie near the door. Chances are, they will be because people want to grab stuff like that on their way to the counter. What you do have at your disposal may be a cash register or a baseball bat if you can lean over the counter. If the clerk's still at his post and not pissing his pants it may be polite to ask rather than just reaching over and grabbing the weapon in question. That and he may not take kindly to being lunged at when there's a zombie in front of him already.

Fast moving / rage infected zombie:

In this scenario fire may help the human race but you're pretty screwed. Lighting the whole place up may be the noble thing to do.

If on the other hand you're a coward and would like to save your skin and not die in a blaze of glory that no one will ever know of here's your tiny ray of shining hope and it comes from a fairly unexpected source.

Grab something solid with a point from nearby. Your best bet might be a pen knife or a safety glass breaking tool if one is available. If not get the heaviest metal object you can such as something tinned. Smash the front of the microwave you generally get in most convenience stores and point it at your assailant. You never know, you might get the time to cook the fool before he gets to you and if not you can throw it over his head and hit start providing distraction while he gets 800W to the brain.

They do say that microwave food in service stations can kill you right?

Thanks for reading and apologies for the length of time this took to publish. Hoping it was worth the wait.

Did I forget to hit post? Ooops! UPDATES

2013-11-15T00:47:00.001+00:00

Well, it's been a LONG time.

Updates:
Had a daugther, now 2. Very cute.

Got a job. Entertaining but always busy.

Lost 5 stone in weight (Alternate Day Fasting)

Zombies? Still nowhere to be seen.

Apologies on the lack of updates in spite of the promise to publish them. Between work and life commitments the blog has been rather overlooked.

The good news is that I've got a new idea. I'm writing a book and getting a whole splurge of writing done all in one go rather than the dribs and drabs I've been getting on here.

When it's all finished I hope to have a version available to download on Kindle and/or iBooks.

Unsurprisingly it's about zombies and you will see a very similar writing style to that used here on ZSP.

There'll be prerelease copies sent out to those of you who were here from the start and I look forward to your feedback.

At the moment though, must type on.

See you on the flip side, and you never know, as the ideas flow more blog posts may pop up.

Much love,
Alex

After a long period of radio silence

2012-04-11T21:40:00.001+01:00

I'm back after a few life modifications.

"What's changed?!" I hear you cry.

1. I have a daughter named Eleanor. She is now 3 months old and is being trained in the ways of zombie slaying already.

2. I have a new job which is awesome and satisfying and is much further away from home not providing me quite as much time to work on the blog. Don't worry though, as always I've come up with a plan to fix that and keep you guys safe against the dangers of the undead.

The next post will be titled "Zombie at the Petrol station" and should be online Monday 16th April.

I'll keep you posted!
Al

Zombie at the Pool

2011-07-24T20:00:00.001+01:00

Following on from the water themed Zombie in the Water (http://bit.ly/zombiescantswim) I wanted to look a little more specifically at Zombie in the Pool which causes a couple of different issues to the blog listed above.

Pools are generally much shallower than rivers or the sea and thus zombies can wade in them. Zombies are generally slow moving and clumsy BUT the zombie's stance (arms raised) may actually help them to balance in the same way that orang-utans are skilled at wading. You may find you are more hindered than they are.

But in a swimming pool there are rules. No petting, no running and no eating brains.

Here's how to make sure that your bloodthirsty assailant doesn't break rule number 3.

Higher function destroying blood infection:

Sweet zombie killing kit!

I hope you're wearing goggles.Getting blood in your eyes or in the pool is a guaranteed way of making people dead. You need to make sure the pool is evacuated before getting zombie blood in there, if the pool's pH was correct and the chlorine applied correctly it should kill any blood born virus on contact. But let's be honest. Can you trust pool staff in the event of a zombie apocalypse? No, I didn't think so either. Plus, the pH balance will be off if there's been an excess of peeing in the pool.

Methods of destroying a brain in the pool are limited as everything is designed to stop children falling and fracturing their skulls... with one exception.

The Diving Board

Image courtesy of Fever Ray

This is your best bet for brain destruction of a shuffling menace. Lure them to the high-dive board and execute the world's most amazing over the shoulder throw straight onto the floor of the pool below.

Risen from the dead:

With this zombie the same method will work and you don't need to worry about infection! Quids in!

Fast moving / rage infected zombie:

It dived straight in the pool and started devouring victims. You have managed to drag yourself far enough away to watch the carnage unfold.You need to act fast. A net or pool scoop may buy others in the vacinity some time to escape - putting the net over the zombies head and dragging it about a bit may help but as they're so strong you're quite likely to end up in the pool yourself.

Pool cover.

If possible what you need is a pool cover to trap the zombie under. If the pool has one of these get them to run it across to make the water the undead's prison. When it is in place you can walk along to the point where the zombie is with something big and heavy such as a fire extinguisher and donk the raised point in the pool cover with considerable force until it is no longer standing (correct fire extinguisher wielding protocol coming soon to the YouTube channel)

No pool cover?

Ah, what you need is a number of floats tied together on a rope (most pools have these to cordon off a slow swimmer and fast swimmer lane) so you can float them around the zombie in a circle and then pull the rope between the pool steps until the head is separated from the body or until the zombie is immobilised by being tied between the two solid points by its neck.

And finally...
Thanks for reading as ever, please click an ad or two to show some appreciation if you think I deserve it. Earned 46p last month so you are clearly earning your keep!

Don't go changing, or I might have to hit you with a shovel
Al

Zombie Slaying Transportation

2011-07-18T01:04:00.004+01:00

A question from @77fayzer -

"I present you a challenge. Find the best type of transport for a zombie invasion and also find the best car for a zomb take over."

Mission accepted.

I've tried to break this down by country and used my top 3 viewer's countries - US & Canada, United Kingdom, New Zealand - if you're not included I apologise. Send me a specific country request and I'll add another post when I get time. There's also a summary too - it explains my stance on 'The Perfect Transport' in no uncertain terms.

In the United States and Canada

Knight XV

Pros:

This is a very customisable vehicle and has a number of amazing factory standards including bullet proof glass throughout, night vision cameras, run flat tyres and an optional additional fuel tank and turbo charger.

Cons:

7 mpg.

Website:

http://conquestvehicles.com/knight-xv.html

Tornado intercept vehicle (TIV)

Pros:

Fully customisable but requires technical expertise.

You are responsible for your own build quality and thus likelihood of survival.

Cons:

You have to build it yourself. This is not an off the line product.

Due to weight MPG is likely to be terrible.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tornado_Intercept_Vehicle

DeLorean Monster Truck

This is the D-Rex. It is a design created by Rich W. who has created a whole range of DeLorean based vehicles. The gull wing doors and high ride height as well as hard wearing monster truck tires would really help killing zombies.

Pros:

Ride height

Gull wing doors for quick entry / exit and an ability to kill from above.

You can pretend to be Marty McFly's long lost brother.

Cons:

Unlikely to do more than 8mpg is my best guess. I've e-mailed Rich for clarification!

Some people may think you're insane and try to shoot at you.

Not bulletproof.

Pretty sure only 1 of these exists so you'd have to build your own or call in Rich.

Website:

http://www.entermyworld.com/rich/index1.html (it's in the 4x4 section)

Ford F-650

This looks like the stuff. US police meets zombie killer. Well armoured, powerful and plenty of fuel down each side!

Pros:

Looks awesome.

Well armoured.

Plenty of fuel on board.

Cons:

Quickly tears through fuel due to additional weight.

Not much in the way of zombie killing options as standard.

Not to factory standard. Has to be custom modded.

http://jalopnik.com/5153075/new-scope-ford-f+650-xuv

In the UK

Land Rover Defender 110

A classic off road choice with some pretty hardcore beefing up. Armor plating throughout. Plenty of storage on top and inside.

Pros:

Armor plated if you buy ex-army.

Fairly good mpg.

Can drive pretty much anywhere.

Cons:

Very few.

Website:

Some particularly nice examples at

http://www.ukemergency.co.uk/police/

In New Zealand

Subaru Impreza WRX

Goes fast and is 4 wheel drive. Room for weapons and people.

Pros:

Good off road.

Better MPG than a ute.

Cons:

Not much storage space for all of your survival supplies.

Subaru Forester XT

Plenty of space and works off road.

Pros:

Good off road.

Plenty of storage.

Cons:

Not bulletproof as standard.

Not very fuel efficient.

Website:

http://www.subaru.co.nz

Things you want in your cars

A last bit of advice. Have a variety of vehicles in your convoy. There is not a best car for the zombie apocalypse; you need a whole fleet. You will probably not get exactly what you want lying around in the street. You'll need to learn how to use welding gear and get hold of some metal!

Some things you may look for in your transport:

Recon missions

Fast and controllable.

Logistics

Big and as fuel efficient as possible.

Sweep and clean missions

Armor plated, big engined.

If you think I've missed something, or you think I'm wrong please contact me on Twitter, Facebook or leave a comment on the blog.

Thanks for reading and clicking the ads,

Über awesome 500 twitter follower special - Zombie in the waiting room

2011-07-14T09:16:00.000+01:00

Aww, you poor love, you've got a sniffle. And you've had to go to the doctors to get some antibiotics because you're tired of laying in bed and feeling pathetic and you've used enough tissues to gift wrap Belgium?

What could be worse?

Zombie in the Waiting Room

You're sat amidst a pile of magazines and pamphlets telling you about the variety of illnesses you could have. Each one you read you get a little more poorly. You have convinved yourself you have all the symptoms of radiation sickness ever since you had that petrol station sandwich.

You look up from your pamphlet to see a man stumbling around in the waiting room. Why isn't the nurse helping him? Poor old fella looks like he's really in pain and he's moaning out very aggressively.

Oh no, it's alright, he's undead.

So how can you take on this shuffling assailant in a room equipped to make sure no-one can hurt a member of staff?

Here's how.

1. Magazines and pamphlets are a hazard to you - do not, as you may be tempted to, throw them at the zombie. It will just make you tired and lead to the possibility you'll slip on one, fall on the floor and be eaten alive.

2. Vases are a good weapon - if you are lucky enough to be in a waiting room with a vase you should smash the end off it and use it as a weapon. Make sure not to hit it too hard or it will shatter into tiny pieces and cut you to ribbons.

3. Magazine racks or tables are a good defensive weapon. Pick one up but DO NOT throw it. Use it as a riot shield to subdue the zombie attack - hopefully someone behind will have the common sense to hit it over the head with something heavy!

4. Fire extinguishers are a fantastic zombie weapon but you have to be strong to use them - they weigh much more than you think! Do not half-arsedly flail a fire extinguisher at a zombie's head - they will dive on you when you miss them and eat your brain.

In the Doctor's Bag

If you can get to a doctor's room do so. They have a variety of weapons including the stunningly named ocular cannula - that's a tube you can insert into someone's eye. This will disorient your zombie somewhat but watch your fingers!

Do not inject your zombie with anything, it will have no effect. No bloodflow means no distribution of drugs! The only place you could inject is directly into the cerebellum which is the operating part of the zombie brain - you would be best to go in through the ear for least skull resistance. Consider muscle relaxants (spasmolytics) such as carisoprodol, cyclobenzaprine, metaxalone, and methocarbamol.

These may restrict the brain signals being sent to the limbs and paralysing your assailant. Be aware however that this may have little noticeable effect - better to stab the brain and hope for the best.

There is the old favourite the scalpel but beware - if this is a blood transmitted virus you will get infected if you cut yourself or spray blood on you, you should always use a medical mask and goggles.

There's also pure oxygen cylinders. Do try and blow yourself up only as a last resort.

Thanks to my 500 followers on Twitter, you are amazing people. I didn't realise how much of a community would come here and read my ramblings.

I'd take you all out in a heartbeat if you turn of course, but for now you're not on the 'meat list'

Thanks for reading,

Zombies in the water

2011-07-11T08:00:00.002+01:00

Some things to put to bed

Zombies can not swim.

Oh, you've seen it? There's pictures on the internet of a swimming zombie that looks like this

or this

or the same as the second one but riding the shark? Wrong... They're not swimming. They're walking on the sea / lake bed. Zombies do not have the motor skills to swim. He's flailing in water!

If you're in deep water you will be fine unless there's hundreds of zombies in there piled on top of each other like a motorcycle display team trying to reach you. Let's be honest, you'd probably be able to tell if that was the case.

In the event that you do sink / capsize though here's some advice on how to take on a zombie underwater.

The physics of fighting underwater

The drag caused by water is 12 times more than wind resistance so you would have to punch at more than 12 times your usual strength to deliver the same impact. Plus, because water cannot be compressed as easily as air (because it has a higher molecular density), the impact zone would probably disperse most of the force of your punch anyway.

The best way to deliver any kind of force is to reduce the resistance. Flat handed movements and delivery using the fingers would be best, but unless you're a Kung Fu master or <- this guy you probably would break all of your fingers and then drown from shouting "Ow" very loudly whilst underwater.

Your most sensible move would be to keep hold of your paddle as you sink and try to use the blade to give the zombie a good blow to the back of the head as you won't have much air to keep whacking at them and you'll get tired quickly. If you have a good quality wooden paddle it shouldn't flex too much and absorb the energy you're putting in. You're hopefully wearing a life jacket so you shouldn't sink anyway.

Getting to safety

Swim to safety preferably through clear water so you can see what's beneath you. If this is not possible you should head for as shallow an area as possible as quickly as possible so you can see any potential threats as they come out of the water and you're in air so you can use your normal zombie ass kicking skills to their full potential.That and you've got a bloody great paddle in your hand!

The right kit

Out in the air a well swung paddle will do a good deal of damage to a zombie's skull. You want the paddle to be solid, thin edged for maximum damage and ideally made of ash for durability (this is what most modern baseball bats are also made from)

A good example would be the Sliver paddle from badgerpaddles.com

Sadly they do not provide paddles suitable for use by badgers though I understand this is quite a niche market.

Hopefully you've learned something today. And if that's just that zombies can't swim my work here is done!

Lots of love, but no lovebites, that's how apocalypses start

Bieber Fever Zombie Robot Virus

2011-07-09T09:43:00.000+01:00

Here's a suggestion from @Lloydapher and evolved by @StaceyPineapple and @RobynToRaven and seconded and passed by @NicholasTWP.

How Justin Bieber may destroy the world.

This is the story of how Justin Bieber accidentally created a horde of zombie cyborgs who could take over the world.

Born in Canada, Bieber was discovered on YouTube. It is because of this that Master Bieber became so very upset when he discovered his song 'Baby' was the most disliked video on YouTube.

Recently Rebecca Black overtook him this year with over 3 million dislikes.

This was no accident.

How the Outbreak Began

Since becoming the most hated video on YouTube Bieber has invested his fortune in developing a robot that is capable of reproducing human speech and actions. This megalomaniacal self obsession also explains the titling of his album 'My World' and the number of songs he has written about world domination. (That Should Be ME, Never going to let you go)

So as you may have deduced, Rebecca Black is a cyborg.

It explains a lot doesn't it. The disconnection from reality. The auto-tuned voice. It all makes sense.

But what would we do if Bieber lost control of his robotic minion and she began 'converting' others to make her own cyborg army of the undead? I think she'd start with Bieber himself for making her that way.

This is an artists impression of what Bieber would look like after 'conversion'

Normal Zombie rules do not apply

Where cyborgs are concerned removing the head may have little to no impact. Depending on how much tissue to robot integration has occurred the body may work completely independently of the head.

Then what is controlling it?
The concept of a cyborg is living tissue controlled by a processor. The processor is the brain of the cyborg and that helps us a lot - and here's why.

Processors require fairly low temperatures to operate and thus it will be placed somewhere near the outside of the body. It is also likely to have a heatsync or liquid cooling to keep it cool in the same way as modern computers cool their processors.

This is good for us as it means bashing the squish outer coating of a 'converted' will mean we can identify the location of the processor or sever the liquid cooling and cause the processor to overheat.

How do I remove the soft tissue?
The best way of doing this would probably be a sharp weapon such as a samurai sword or a distance weapon such as a grenade. You don't want to get too close though - the cyborg's won't be very worried about destroying their own soft tissue to preserve the CPU so you'll have to be fast and alert.

What else could the government do?
If the outbreak is not caught early the government would be best using an EMP - the only way of doing this currently is via the use of weapons so that may cause a separate mutant zombie epidemic so the best solution is to destroy the threat early on.

Please note - if you go and kill Rebecca Black with a samurai sword this author holds no responsibility - it may just be that she has no talent after all and isn't in fact a robot.

Then again she probably is.
Al

Super Special Update: Zombie on Platform 2

2011-07-05T23:42:00.000+01:00

You're at the station. Litter twirls gently in the breeze. There's a man slumped down in the corner, he looks like a drunk. There is a pungent odor emanating from him. He smells a bit like rancid meat.

Definitely drunk - he's making that unmistakable groaning. That's it he must be drunk; not undead. That just doesn't happen does it? I mean really, who'd even consider....

Oh, he's getting up. And he's got his lower jaw slung with bloody saliva and a look of determined hunger in his eyes. You on the other hand are calm and collected. You're ready and I'm going to tell you for why.

Not the correct method - just an awesome image!

Zombies are only scary if you're unprepared. But you, my dear reader, have been waiting for this. Since the first time you read the blog you've been waiting to put the zombie toss into action. This, right here, is your time to shine!

You've played Dead Rising and it's as easy as moving a stick. In the real world it's a teeny bit more complicated.

Here's a blow by blow account of how to launch that dead head onto the tracks while not turning yourself into wormfood.

Step 1:

Make sure you can see the zombie at all times. An invisible threat is the worst threat of all.

Step 2:

Make space between you and the edge of the platform - you don't want to plummet to your death.

Step 3:

Wait for the zombie to lunge at you before making your move. You will use his own weight and strength against him, how else are you going to throw someone who weighs more than you?

Step 4:

As he lunges roll with it. You need to make sure none of that energy is wasted if you want to throw him clear of you. If you waste it he's going to end up on top of you eating your brains.

Step 5:

Grip at the wrist and collar pushing back the free arm with your elbow. This will control the zombie and stop them grabbing and biting you.

Step 6:

Swing your elbow to under the other armpit as you turn away from the zombie and squat slightly. This squatting motion should bring the zombie around your body and take them off their feet.

Step 7:

Pull the wrist across your body and this will drop the zombie to the floor. You should be aiming to lob them onto the tracks below.

Step 8:

If you missed the tracks get the boot in and go for a roll, just be careful of being grabbed!

Finally:
Thank you so much to all 200 of my Twitter followers, you are truly great and your interest in this blog will stand you in good stead when the time comes to counteract the zombie menace.

Thanks for telling your friends and clicking the ads so I can buy books (Zombies for Zombies by David P. Murphy) and DVDs (Dead Snow £2.99) to serve you better.

Remember though, if you're bit, you mean nothing to me.

Keep watching the graveyards,
Al

Zombie in the Children's playground

2011-07-04T08:00:00.000+01:00

A chain creaks gently on a nearby swingset. It suddenly stops leaving a susurrus (yes, fans of Terry Pratchett, that means a quiet, distant whispering sound)

You're only passing through, it's night and you get weird types hanging around playgrounds late at night.

You hear a rustling in the nearby hedgerow, must be kids doing what kids do latenight in a playground, in bushes.

But wait, that moaning sounds all wrong.

Yeah, thought so. It's a gurgling flesh starved menace and rather than playing nicely with you on the seesaw he wants to eat your brains.

Luckily you've read this blog so you know precisely what to do. You are a clever little monkey aren't you pickle?

Risen from the dead:

You can run but you can't hide. It's a playground after all and if children could hide easily there'd be a whole lot more reports of missing children as little Timmy hides from mummy to get another turn on the swing set before home time.

If you do decide to run just lock the gate behind you, small children can't cope with the locks so it should at least buy you a little time.

On the other hand do you really want to leave a trapped zombie in a children's playground to massacre the next innocent thing it sees? Oh, you do? Right. I Wasn't expecting that. I thought you had a little morality left.

Oh well, let's say for the sake of argument that you do want to 'neutralize the threat,' how would you do that in such a danger free environment?

Here's how. Think like a bully.

The Roundabout

1. Get to the roundabout.

2. Wait for the zombie to catch up making sure you stay on the opposite side.

3. Keep on the opposite side at all times. Eventually the zombie will just lunge over the roundabout for you.

4. Spin the roundabout at the point of lunge whacking the zombies head on the hold-rails.

5. Repeat until the zombie brain is spattered all over the floor.

Higher function destroying blood infection zombie:

Having the roundabout and, by contact, your hands covered in zombie blood is a surefire way to make yourself the next name on the VIP list of the living dead. The roundabout is not the way with this beastie. You need something a little more... remote. You're thinking swings right?

Wrong.

Most modern swings are made of a crushable rubber that will barely topple a zombie, never mind remove its head or destroy its brain.

A really cool mega slide I found on Amazon

What you ideally need is a tall slide with a gentle slope. You want the zombie to climb it.

"What? Are you nuts?" I hear you ask.

No, I'm pragmatic. You have here, your best friend, gravity. A surefire way of smashing a skull, a fall followed by a sudden stop. You're away from the ground and thus not covered in gore.

Rage infected / fast moving zombie:

It's torn through the playground. You don't have long to think. This zombie will not be stopped. Don't bother shutting the gate, it might well vault it. Again, you can't use the roundabout for the chance of blood contamination. Find the nearest bin. In there you may well find something useful but you'll have to think quickly. You may want to run past it to do a recon mission while still being chased. If you spot something useful loop back to it and get it out.

Things you may find to be of use:

Broken umbrellas.
Syringes.
Broken glass.
Dog poo.
Used condoms.

Take the dog poo or used condom and throw it in the zombie's face. It may disorientate it slightly if you're a good shot and aim for the eyes. Take the broken glass and try to cut the zombie's face/eyes if you're not a very good shot with the dog poo but make sure you don't cut yourself (you may want to wrap your hand in your jacket first).

Bury the syringe or broken glass into the base of the skull aiming for the cerebellum as discussed in the last blog. Remember, that's the sweet spot.

Make sure you do this whole thing carefully or you'll be the one found covered in dog poo, used condoms and bleeding in a public park.

Thanks for clicking the ads. Made 41 pence this month so far! Each one of you that clicks is a beautiful person, maybe not on the outside but definitely on the inside.

Lets hope I never need to see those beautiful insides of yours.

Zombies in a hotel

2011-06-30T08:00:00.003+01:00

You're on holiday, or away for a dirty weekend - either way you're having a whale of a time. Let's be honest - it's a dirty weekend.

You don't have a care in the world as your bewitching other half looks at you with those 'come to bed' eyes. Alas, behind her is a gurgling package of maurauding murderation. That's right - it's Joe Dead.

How he got into your hotel room is unclear, but maybe you left the door slightly ajar as you tossed your beloved onto the drinks cart that you acquired last night at your most intoxicated.

You're still a little groggy now after the 3 bottles of champagne so it's lucky you've read this before hand - it'll be there in the memory bank so you don't have to think too hard for a solution of your own.

Higher function destroying blood infected zombie

Are you wearing any clothes? No, I thought not. You're quite exposed to zombie attack and blood spatter. You need something to cover yourself.

The bed sheet?
Might work but a bit cumbersome.
Getting dressed?
You don't have time, there's a zombie IN THE ROOM.
A lamp shade?
Are you serious?
A towel? Better, but no suggestive towel dropping where zombies are concerned.
The food tray?
Of course! It's a shield and a weapon, all in one!

Take the tray and hold it out in front of you and launch your naked self at the zombie knocking it to the ground. Cover its face with the tray and repeatedly jump on it. Might not kill it though. If it gets up it's now probably that mashed up it'll be unable to see. Get behind it and go for the travel iron you got out last night. A whack to the back of the head and voila!

Risen from the dead

You went to a hotel with a graveyard next door. Really? Poor planning. You're clearly very cheap. It's unlikely to be champagne in the room, maybe special brew at a push. You don't iron your clothes either so the travel iron's out of the equation. You need something heavy that will destroy the brain.

Your suitcase is a bit too cumbersome so that's out. There's probably a lamp in the room though; pick it up - if it's screwed down a good yank should see it come clear. Hit the zombie square in the head with the heavy end. If the heavy end also happens to be the end with the current going through it make sure you ripped the wire out of the wall too or at the very least that you stay clear of any flailing limbs, you don't want to be found naked, covered in blood and layed in a pool of zombie brains do you?

Rage infected / fast moving

If it is a zombie Justin Bieber... all the better.

Maybe the door was closed and it smashed it in; possible with these raging beasties. Your best bet might be to head for the balcony if you're not on the ground floor and use the old clean and jerk zombie toss. Then again you have a wealth of weapons at your disposal.

Don't bother reaching for the bible in the bedside drawer, the power of Christ tends not to compel all that many zombies - they just eat you and you get blood all over a perfectly serviceable bible. You do have at your disposal the champagne bottles from last nights debauchery. They're heavy and quite hard to break so a good thwack to the noggin ought to do the business.

Remember - aim for the back of the head where the neck meets the skull (the cerebellum) - that's the sweet spot. You will need the zombie facing away from you so it's worth you staying quiet and letting your beloved do all the screaming - it may make you look like a wuss but when you need bait you need bait. Plus when you save your loved-one's life they'll pretty much have to worship you.

Thanks for reading, über thanks for clicking the ads, you may one day put my children through university, but mostly thanks for making writing this a fun and interesting experience. My involvement in the zombie survivalist community has increased massively since writing this blog and you, my intrepid readers, are what make it all worthwhile.

If you start to shuffle though you'll be dropped before you can say "Brains".

Alex

Zombie in the chip shop

2011-06-26T07:57:00.000+01:00

You have gone to get yourself a takeaway. Good old fashioned battered fish and chips - or a sausage if you like. And of course you've got to have curry sauce.

I digress.

You have no sooner dispensed the salt and vinegar than a shuffling harbinger of flesh eating terror wanders through the door. What can you possibly do in this situation? I'm glad you asked; I'll tell you.

The scenario for all 3 zombie types is the same in this case; the only difference is the speed at which you must perform the following...

1. Throw salt in the zombies eyes to disrupt its senses slightly

HINT: Remove salt from container first.

It turns out there are no pictures of the flappy thing on the net so instead here is a squirrel.

2. Lift the little flappy door thing rather than trying to launch the zombie over the counter; less chance of you getting injured - nothing worse than having to fight off a zombie horde with a bad back.

3. Place the zombie face down into the boiling oil - be careful not to get scalded though - chance of passing on infection. You need to wait until the heat seeps through to the brain - this takes roughly as long as a fresh fish takes to cook - about 5 minutes.

4. Wait for the writhing to stop.

5. Enjoy your meal; things are about to get ugly.

Thanks for reading; that's 4 updates in the last 3 weeks - managing to do as promised! If you have any suggestions for scenarios you'd like to see resolved please comment or e-mail me - your input is greatly appreciated. Thanks to those of you still clicking on the ads, it really means a lot.

Until next week,

Zombie in the grave yard.

2011-06-20T16:00:00.000+01:00

I'll set the scene. You've just buried dear old auntie Doris, she was a lovely old dear, had a good innings but it was still a shock. You go and lay flowers at her freshly filled grave when suddenly a hand pops through the not yet compacted soil and begins to claw itself out.

"My goodness, there has been a terrible mistake and aunt Dot has been buried alive; quick I must find help to get her unearthed!"

STOP.

NO. I MEAN IT... STOP RIGHT NOW.

Embalming makes sure that lovely old Dottie is now most certainly no longer in the world of the living. What you have here is most certainly a severe case of the undead.

Rather than helping expedite aunt Dot on her mission to eat your brains you should take the following action.

Higher function destroying blood infection:

You need to be swift - you've not got time to make sure that there's not a shred of the auntie who once bounced you on her knee and cooed - this is a flesh hungry fiend. You need something heavy and large - on the brightside YOU'RE IN A BLINKING GRAVE YARD. There's nothing but gravestones around you. Pick up one that is nice and flat and placing it above Dot's cranium LET GO. The blood should splat out all over your shoes but not get into your eyes or anything else that might infect you. Make sure not to drop it on your toes though - that would be silly.

Risen from the dead:

You can go for the same method as virus zombie above or if you never really liked auntie Dot all that much you could have a little fun. There's normally a gardener at cemeteries. They keep their tools locked in a nearby shed (yes, you can see where I'm going with this one can't you.) For those of you familiar with Lord of the Rings creator Peter Jackson's Braindead you will remember a lovely scene involving a large number of zombies, a lawnmower and a rather copious amount of blood. Break down the door, fire up the mower and start whacking some deadhead weeds!

Rage infected / fast moving zombie:

She didn't so much claw out of the ground so much as burst from it, possibly ripping off her own legs to speed up the process - bright side; that may slow her down... slightly. But her hips were pretty bad already and she's got used to it so it may not be much of a help. What you need to do here is give yourself a little breathing space. Run. If possible up a slight incline - aunt Dot may struggle a little up hill with no legs. You could try the tombstone trick again but you need to be a little better at timing the drop than you would with the previous two scenarios or as a last resort you could try and grab her now rather ragged final outfit and snag her up onto a nearby spiked railing - ideally through the brain - beware though she's likely to be all nails and teeth.

Thanks for continuing to read my drivel and giving me the drive to produce it - you're all wonderful wonderful human beings.

But if you turn I won't think twice
:)

Update 2! Zombies at a Broadway Show

2011-06-14T10:25:00.000+01:00

ZSP Update 2

See a show - Kill some goons

You're watching the hit musical The Producers when suddenly out from the wings shuffles a meat-hungry marauder.

An auditorium full of shocked onlookers first wonder if this is part of the act and then having watched this rotting corpse devour the two main characters then decide this may not be in the script and start to panic. You lucky readers will be ahead of the game. You may think to yourself

"So - the dead are going to the theatre now; ah well - it all helps the box office."

However, if you don't want to be wormfood check out the scenarios below.

Higher function destroying blood Infection:

This thing is slow and lumbering; you've got a little time as it falls off the stage and works its way through the front row. In a theatre little is not nailed down - pretty much your only choice is of course: the fire extinguisher. You do however have the issue of when smashing its brains in that you will be covered in all kinds of highly infectious gore. To stop this you should either: a. Try and hold a programme over your face while smashing away (fairly impossible) or b. Take off your jacket (because of course you dressed up to go out didn't you?) wrap it around your face and start smashing away.

Important note for those without glasses.
You may be aware that people who wear non-prescription glasses are sometimes referred to as pretentious pricks - I'm afraid in this scenario they are referred to as 'Survivors'. This is the one justifiable situation to be wearing fake glasses with lenses.

Risen from the dead:
With this scenario no need for the blood protection - just get that extinguisher and start some squelchy brain cracky fun fun fun!

Rage infected or fast moving zombie:

It's tearing through people like a knife through kittens - you need to be somewhere else and quickly - everyone else is running for the fire exit - you are smart - use the stairs to the balcony - wait for everyone else to be eaten and the zombies to get bored and wander off. This may take some time so you'd best hope that them upstairs weren't hungry and polished off all of their snacks - if the zombie does decide upstairs is the trendy place to be you should be prepared to launch it off the balcony with a quick jerking upward motion trying to aim its head at the floor on landing. It might work, as previously explained however combating rage is 100% luck and 1% stupidity.

Thanks for reading, thanks for clicking the ads and mostly thanks for making suggestions!

See you next week!

From now on: One a week, one a week, two this week! Zombie in the Garden

2011-06-14T09:48:00.000+01:00

Sorry Shaun... No... I'm sorry, Shaun.

Having been potentially one of the world's slackest bloggers; this week I'm back with a flesh ripping vengeance. To make up for the lack of updates in... ages slightly less devastating for you I'm giving you a bonus update for free and gratis!

On a personal note I have had some good news recently which will appear in this blog in the fullness of time.

Zombies

Well, that's why we're here after all isn't it?

Two new zombie scenarios for you.

1: Zombie in the garden.

A Shaun of the Dead inspired scenario for you - a zombie is wandering around in the back garden, it looks very... drunk.

What can you do to protect yourself from this hellbeast and dispatch it swiftly? Not vinyl records or mug trees; they're fairly ineffective.

You have 2 options:
Option A: TO THE SHED!
Can you leg it past the gurgling menace and get into the shed and find a weapon fairly sharpish? Depends on how big your garden is and if you have a means of temporarily restraining the zombie (methods could include running quickly around it with the washing line Scooby-Doo style, holding up a bed sheet and walking slowly pretending to be laundry or just groaning and limping (CAUTION: This might not work if the zombies have a keen sense of smell; this is very difficult to determine unless you have any 'volunteers'))

Option B: To the arsenal.
Of course, being a keen zombie-survivalist you have already prepared the arsenal listed on my Amazon store for just this kind of eventuality. With this little lot you can either hole yourself up and wait for the whole thing to blow over of go charging into the garden all tooled up and polish off the threat forthwith using one of the following methods:

Higher function destroying blood Infection:
Put on your mask, goggles and potentially the hazmat suit if you have time before the zombie gets in. My method for this one would be sneak up if possible and use the nail gun at the top of the spine base of the neck; should kill or at least stop use of the body. Plus the nail gun has a fairly quiet fire so there's little chance you'll alert any nearby fiends. Just to be doubly sure make sure to double tap (also; for extra tips you should watch Zombieland if you haven't already).

Risen from the dead:

As previously discussed - you don't have to worry so much about blood infection; it's just dying (or sometimes being bitten) that causes a problem. With this method you just need to destroy the base of the brain or the brain stem. Baseball bat or spade will do the job if you're strong; if not go with the axe and separate the neck and the head.

Rage Infected / Fast moving zombies:

If it's still in the garden you're probably not looking at a rage infected spook. They tend to come flying through windows all teeth and tearing. If one is wandering around in the garden it probably has lost all of its senses by having its eyes, ears, nose or all of the above destroyed. You probably still don't want to get too close so it may be advisable to pull back the safety on the nail gun and go hurtling a nail across the garden into its brain - careful though: I hear the hospitals are a little busy right now and you probably don't want to have to go there; the meal might be on you.

Thanks for reading; thanks to those of you that keep clicking the ads - the more material I get the better so please keep the ideas coming in... Update 2 with the second zombie scenario coming in the next 30 minutes!

Oops... Turns out I am forgetful

2011-03-17T23:41:00.000+00:00

Hello all.

I've not done this in a long time so here's an inbetweeny blog post to point out another one is coming soon.

I'm not dead, just sowing my arm back on with a rusty needle.

I'll be back with more posts in the near future; in the meantime here's a zombie in a rather fetching hat.

Didn't expect that did ya?!

Alex

Zombies: Hello Kitty, the undead menace

2010-10-19T22:29:00.000+01:00

I was gone but now I'm back to protect you all from a zombie attack.

Hi kids and welcome back. I've been off and got married this past week hence the tumbleweeds rolling over blogland. The wedding was good; thanks for asking.

Thanks to those of you still clicking the ads; your support is greatly appreciated. I can almost afford a glow in the dark toilet roll.

Now, zombies.

This week's suggestion was brought to us by Candace off of that there twitter who has shown me a very lovely zombie Hello Kitty.

"Aww" you might think.

Wrong. This brainhungry lump of rotting kitty meat is devilishly dangerous. Beneath the cutesy exterior is a bloodlust equal to that of Leatherface.

I have researched the beast and discovered that she commands telepathically an undead horde of similarly cutesy creatures (pictured in the background of the image)

Higher function destroying blood Infection:

Unlikely with this particular zombie but always be prepared. This would most likely be masked by the guise of an actual cute white cat. It's only when you start to coo that the other animals will sidle up behind you and tear you to bloody ribbons. You should aim to avoid being scratched or bitten which is not easy when dealing with animals. Chain mail or similar would be useful in this situation and a Hello Kitty handgun

Risen from the dead:

This is the most likely reason for the Kittypocalypse. A discarded plush toy has an ancient curse cast upon it and the tweeny icon rises from the earth her mouth dripping with a lust for human flesh. The other zombified animal minions would trudge forth from the woods and group together howling in tormenting union. If you see a cute white cat you should run. Do not climb up a tree as she commands a zombie bear (they can climb you know.) Lock yourself up until you can get your hands on something like this (with thanks to Geekologie)

Rage Infected or fast moving zombie:

Running is not an option; the savagery of these fluffy sparkly beasties is unparalleled. There is only one option. Mass destruction. Many will tell you that the use of rocket propelled grenades against zombies is overkill but in the case of the Hello Kitty menace it is the only viable option. Aiming for the fiend's pink bow should give you a high probability of destroying the brain sufficiently to put the kitty down for good. With the queen destroyed the other animals should be easily dispatched though it is quite probable they will move in to attack you during your RPG onslaught. A squad should be assembled to protect the wielder of the RPG at all costs, lest the feline menace be allowed to roam the earth any longer.

Thanks to Commissar L.R. Star at http://thepeoplescube.com/ for the Hello Kitty tank image. Keep fighting the good fight.

Zombies: This weeks survival scenario - zombie in the kitchen

2010-09-26T11:02:00.000+01:00

Zombie in the kitchen.

You are happily cooking away; it's a pleasant Sunday morning and the smell of bacon hangs in the air. You crack an egg on the side of the pan when the back door slowly creaks open. In wanders the bloodthirsty undead. What do you do? Each week I'm going to break it down into 3 of the most common supposed outbreak scenarios.

Higher function destroying blood Infection:
You need to make sure you don't get any blood on you so avoid all sharp objects. My suggestion would be don't look for the rolling pin; spatter in your mouth guarantees you'll be munching man-flesh within the hour. Look instead for something that will cauterise as it kills. That's right; your bacon will have to be sacrificed for you to survive. Burn off the zombie's face while avoiding being clawed. You may need to push them back with your foot as you burn away the face (it might be worth while knocking them down first to restrict their movement). This will only incapacitate them though, they may still blindly wander around trying to eat whatever they collide with. Follow the method for 'Risen from the dead' but put a towel over your mouth and nose and if you have goggles (or a hazmat suit) wear them!

Risen from the dead:
You don't have to worry so much about blood infection; it's just dying (or sometimes being bitten) that causes a problem. With this method you just need to destroy the base of the brain or the brain stem. Rolling pin will do the job if you're strong; if not go with the cleaver and separate the neck and the head.

Rage Infected / Fast moving zombies:
Your door didn't so much creak open as fly open. You're fairly screwed. Pick up a nearby tin of beans and launch it at their head. That may moderately stun your undead assailant; that buys you a second to pick up the tenderising hammer. Aim for the side of the head (slightly to the front) so the blood spray doesn't get in your face. This hopefully should spin the zombie so you can see the back of the neck. Repeatedly nail it with the tenderiser or rolling pin.) Job done.

Important note for all. Lock your freaking doors!

Thanks for clicking the ads!

Day 1: A Zombie Film with No Name

2010-09-19T23:59:00.000+01:00

Hello again,
Thankyou to those of you who have clicked ads on the page. I've earned almost a pound from the last post! Please click through on this one too to see the wonderful bargains the lovely people at google provide!

Finally got around to filming something of my own for the first time in a while. Number of volunteers dwindled when it got to the actual time of filming as it always does. Personally responsible for that as didn't remind everybody about it until the last minute in a piffling digital manner on that there Facebook so as a result ended up with just the 3 volunteers and my ever loyal cameraman/co-director.

That said the three previously undiscovered talents I did end up with were tremendous. My cousin, who it will never be said is not commited to her art. My uncle who posseses comedy genius as a zombie I never would have dreamed and my friend and truly nice bloke Kevil whose expertise as a stumbling gut-muncher was unparalleled especially as to this day he has never seen a zombie film!

I felt a real visceral link to this project; it was commented that I had missed my true calling as a zombie coach being able to get into the mindset of the undead and play out their actions producing genuine zombie results.

Connected to the camera again I felt a giddiness I have not in a while. After this project ceases I am vowing to make more of my own work burst into existence like a rifle through a rotting abdomen. Yes it may be zombie-related (I do have a work in progress cruising around my frontal lobe as I type now) but I hope it will push the boundaries of my creativity even more.

Next shoot will be more organised than the last now I am a digital human again with a working (fingers and toes crossed) laptop. Now in need of some actors!

Zombie Volunteers needed

2010-09-17T09:51:00.000+01:00

This evening (17th September 2010) I am going to be making a zombie film in Crossgates, Leeds. The filming will run from 8pm to 1am(ish) and be at the end of Manston Lane.

If you would like to help out please contact me - alex@pootercom.co.uk
07800 746386
facebook.com/alex.eamonson

Thanks,
Alex