I’ve never even seen Jersey Shore, and I have no idea why I’m doing this.

Click here for the player: “Space Oddity”

Unlike the other one of these I tried, this is a multi-track recording. The guitar, bass, drums, and a few vocal tracks were all recorded with 1 or 2 mics & in 1 take each, and were then mixed & EQ’d. Remember: sloppiness counts!

I’ve got a few ideas for some more covers. Whenever I get around to them, I’ll put them up here.  Thanks for listening, and don’t forget to say “hi” in the ol’ comments.

At one point, referencing a wrestling term-heavy comment left by the latter Sting, William asked Mary if she “really [thought the musician] would write using wrestling metaphors.”

Which got me to thinking.  What if he had?

Here are a few Sting songs with wrestling metaphors:

• “Every Chair You Break”
• “Don’t Slam So Close to Me”
• “Englishman on Monday Night RAW”
• “De Do Do Do, Da DDT”
• “Message in a Throttle”
• “Desert Rope”
• “McMahon”

Can you think of some more?  Leave them in the comments!

1. Foreign Accent Syndrome

There are some people out there who, after suffering some degree of brain trauma, start speaking with strong foreign accents!  Seriously.  It’d be like if Bruce Springsteen hit his head, woke up, & started talking like Borat!  And it can be permanent.  When I turned on the show, there were two people talking to each other who I thought were Italian Russian.  Nope.  Not at all.  Pretty sure they were American.

Apparently people with this disorder are not actually speaking with a genuine accent, but their speech processing gets so out of whack, that the way they form their words is akin to people for whom English is not their primary language.

Weird, but not as weird as this:

2. Body Integrity Identity Disorder

OK, this is fucked up.  People with BIID are totally convinced that they will be happier in life as amputees – so much so that they often seek out elective amputation of healthy limbs.  WTF?!

On the show, 2 psychologists did a test where they had one of these fools who wanted to lose his right leg stand perpendicular to a mirror so that what looked like his whole body was really 2 left sides (like I used to do with those mirrored columns at JCPenney while my mom was shopping – I could lift up “both” my legs and levitate!), and this crazy bastard didn’t feel like cutting his limb off anymore!

Until, of course, he stepped away from the mirror.

Homeboy wanted to lop off his right leg just below the knee so badly that, since no respectable surgeon would do it, he immersed his leg in dry ice for 5 hours until all the tissue died & the lower portion of his right leg had to be amputated…  just below the knee.  Seriously?!

1) Influenza kills roughly 36,000 people in the US each year.  Not “swine flu” – I’m talking about regular ol’ “the flu.”  If this porcine strain wants to match that number, it’s got a long way to go from the one person it’s killed domestically as of today.

Oh, but what about the 150 people who died in Mexico?  You know what else kills 150 people every year in Mexico? The Chupacabra.

2) This is not new.  Check out these PSAs about swine flu from 1976:

Click here to view the embedded video.

(You know what else happened in 1976?  U2 was formed.  If I had the option of contracting swine flu if it meant never having to listen to that overrated band again, I would take it.)

3) The media wants to scare you.  If you’re scared, your eyes stay glued to TV, websites, magazines, and newspapers.  If you’re eyes are glued, you’re seeing the advertisements.  The more eyes on the ads, the more money they can charge for them.  Bottom line.

So, can we stop this now?  The human species isn’t going to die out because of West Nile Virus Bird Flu SARS Monkeypox MRSA Erectile Dysfunction Swine Flu. This is not 1340’s Europe.  Enough already, please.

I don’t get sick often, and I go to the doctor even less, but the times when I have been ill enough to have to seek medical attention, I’ve NOT ONCE had a doctor tell me something I didn’t already know.  That’s not to say that I’m smart (I know fuck all about medicine), but I expect someone who’s been through medical school & demands I refer to them by their title to be able to do more than nod their head, say “Alright…” and charge me a couple hundred bucks!

Right now, I have bronchitis.  A doctor can’t see me till Thursday.  I know I have bronchitis because my roommate Rachel had bronchitis, and I caught it from her.  So why do I need to tell some doctor?

Maybe they have to do some tests to make sure that’s what’s actually wrong with me.  But “they” aren’t doctors – they’re lab techs in a lab working with machines. Here, machine.  Here’s my swab!  Compute!

Doctors (again, just the GPs) are over-trusted, overpaid educated guessers who do nothing but cost me money and time.  There’s no difference between a general practitioner and a weatherman, except that when a weatherman’s guess is wrong, you may have too warm a coat with you, whereas a doctor’s ineptitude can kill you.

If you are a doctor, I hate you.  You are a crook and a bastard, and I hope people stop kissing your ass and your children fall gravely ill and have to wait for medication like the rest of us.

Hey, Bartender! (Click for the player)

I started recording this cover a few years ago, and finally got around to adding a few things I’ve been meaning to add to “finish” it.  It’s not a part of my 1-Take series, although I am equally as sloppy with 2nd, 3rd, and 10th takes, so you might not notice much of a difference.

Click here for the player: Transcontinental

I’m a sucker for a narrative, and this one’s a doozy: a man gets his legs lopped off by a train, and as he lay dying, remembers the story of another unfortunate fellow whose legs became trapped under a fallen tree.  This man, however, had to make the decision to cut off his own legs to save himself, a choice our narrator is thankful he doesn’t have to make (referring to his forced de-limbing as “the luxury of having been spared the hard part”).

For some reason, this song leaves me strangely uplifted; I don’t know why.  Maybe I just like stories that take place while a character bleeds to death, I don’t know.

If you feel like leaving a comment, let me know what you think.  I like good & bad press, so keep it real.  Thanks.

1. I’m fucking in & you’re fucking out.
2. Kenny Loggins has some messed up fans.
3. It is possible to put too much gravy on chicken fried steak.
4. I should never let my cats near Rob Dunlap.
5. Having a cell phone makes one a homosexual.
6. Pregnant women can rock a jacuzzi.
7. When you run into someone you know at the casino at 10:00 on a Tuesday morning (after a bloody mary), your mutual embarrassments cancel each other out.
8. With a little practice & a little booze, one can master hatchet throwing.
9. The term “open container” is subject to interpretation.
10. There are some really great people who live in Shelton.

Oh, and this was decorating the home where we stayed:

I think this is supposed to be a book-end.

Seriously, though, Will & I had the best time.  A HUGE shout-out to everyone who hung with us while we were there; it was a blast!  Very special thanks to Daniel & Cindy Parsons for having us over, and extra special thanks to Jon & Joanna Williams for letting us crash on their bunk beds for 2 nights & drink their booze.  You guys are the best!