Photo Credit: AARP

Dr. Pepper Schwartz: Yes, but you need to be careful. While the vast majority of people are reasonably honest (they may fudge a bit on weight or height), there are always a few opportunists and scam artists out there, and you need to be cautious. If you meet online, get some facts about the person’s life —where he went to school, where he works and lives now — and then Google him and check out the facts. If they aren’t true, you don’t want to know this person. Most of these casual checks usually turn out okay.

Never give your home phone number or address until you have gone out a few times and the person has checked out. And always meet for the first time in a public place, such as a coffeehouse or casual restaurant, for coffee or tea. (A glass of wine could be okay later, but you really don’t want alcohol clouding your vision or instincts!) If there is something about the person that bothers you but you can’t quite name it, listen to that feeling and move on to someone else. Usually more contact will mean more confidence in your judgment, and over a few dates you will get a good feel for the person.

One exception to that: a really good con man. So here’s a rule: No matter how charming, no matter how much he compliments you, no matter how “good” his reason, never give anyone money. Never. And if he asks, it’s time for you to get out of there. No one should ever ask, even after six months or so of dating. Con men do exist, and you need to avoid them. Other than that, the chances of meeting someone wonderful —and honest —online are very good.

Dr. Schwartz answers questions every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Submit your question here. Read more of Pepper’s columns here. And be sure to follow Pepper on Twitter @pepperschwartz.

Also of Interest

• Travel Is the Best Aphrodisiac
• I’m 63, She’s 37. How Young is Too Young?
• Join AARP: Savings, resources and news for your well-being

See the AARP home page for deals, savings tips, trivia and more

Photo Credit: thecomicproject via Flickr Creative Commons

Q: How do you enter the dating world at my age?

Dr. Pepper Schwartz: First, you can tell friends you really want to start dating again, and see if they know anyone suitable. Sometimes they do! More often, however, they do not, and then you have two choices: Start going to lots of community events and organizations in hopes of meeting new men or women who might also be single and looking for companionship, or going online. You can try both and see which one works for you. But whichever way you choose to begin, I suggest you get a close male or female friend who can be your support and help you feel brave enough to go to a singles event or start a new group membership, or fill out a profile online. You really do need a friend to encourage you — and also to provide an independent opinion on which picture you should post online, or which person you should email back or approach online.

I know it’s daunting in the beginning. I found it so when I went online and starting dating again when I was 55 and had left a marriage of 23 years. But it can actually be fun —and it can involve a lot of growth, as you meet new people with interesting lives that you would not have shared if you hadn’t tried new networks and new activities.

Dr. Schwartz answers questions every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Submit your question here. Read more of Pepper’s columns here. And be sure to follow Pepper on Twitter @pepperschwartz.

Also of Interest

• Why Am I Always Initiating Sex?
• Grey Hair Gets Hotter!
• Join AARP: Savings, resources and news for your well-being

See the AARP home page for deals, savings tips, trivia and more

Photo credit: State Library and Archives of Florida Flickr Creative Commons

Q: I am a healthy, attractive, active 70-year-old woman who still enjoys sex. My younger partner (by seven years) is rarely interested in making love and I have to initiate it most times. I’ve tried talking to him, in a non-blaming way, but he clams up, stating there is nothing wrong. What should I do?

Dr. Pepper Schwartz: Ask him: If there is nothing wrong, then what’s the harm in talking about why he is not interested in sex these days? There could be a number of explanations — and you are in a better position to find out which of these might be true than I am.

How is your relationship in general? If a relationship has problems, it is bound to affect the couple’s sexual relationship. Is he depressed or unhappy about his work, money, children or some other issue? If he is unhappy in general, it almost certainly will affect your sex life together. Have the two of you grown apart in other ways? Are you still having fun together? Do you laugh, go out on dates or do hobbies together? If you don’t, you need to reinvigorate your nonsexual relationship to have a positive effect on your sex life. And finally, how is his physical condition? Does he have any erectile issues, and is his health in general good or iffy? Has he gained or lost a lot of weight? Have you? Health and sexual function have a big impact on men’s sexual energy, and changes in a person’s or a partner’s appearance can affect desire.

You need to think about which of these might be the basis for your reduced sex life. Maybe offering these as topics to talk about will allow him to voice his needs, fears or disappointments — and that is the beginning of the ability to change and make things better. If your conversations aren’t going well, however, consider going to a medical doctor or therapist to help you talk together more constructively.

Dr. Schwartz answers questions every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Submit your question here. Read more of Pepper’s columns here. And be sure to follow Pepper on Twitter @pepperschwartz.

Also of Interest

• Different Kinds of Retirement Benefits (of the Sexual Kind)
• I Don’t Want to Have Sex with My Overweight Wife
• Join AARP: Savings, resources and news for your well-being

See the AARP home page for deals, savings tips, trivia and more

Photo Credit: Ian MacKenzie, Flickr Creative Commons

Q: I am a 60-year-old female now, am postmenopausal, and have terribly painful sexual intercourse. I have been diagnosed with severe atrophy of the vaginal wall.  Is there anything I can do besides hormone therapy to help? I am a breast cancer survivor and have been advised against hormone therapy. Is there an over-the-counter product I can use? I have tried various lubricants without success.

Dr. Pepper Schwartz: Happily, there is quite a bit you can do. You can certainly use Replens, a vaginal moisturizer that has no estrogen in it and has been scientifically proven to plump up severely atrophied tissue. I would add to this a silicone lubricant like Pink or Eros that will make the vagina very slick. Replens has to be used several times before you see changes in the vaginal floor, but it should make a difference. Furthermore, there are additional products now in the final stages of Food and Drug Administration approval that also should help.

One last thought: Many doctors believe that estrogen cream is locally absorbed and that it is not dangerous to women who have had cancer. I have no opinion on this as I am not a medical doctor, but you might read the work of Dr. Susan Love, a feminist and cancer specialist who has strong opinions on hormones, not all of them kindly, but who does believe in topical use. It’s a confusing area, so do some additional reading and consulting to see what the latest prevailing opinions are on vaginal atrophy.

In the meantime, do try Replens.

Dr. Schwartz answers questions every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Submit your question here. Read more of Pepper’s columns here. And be sure to follow Pepper on Twitter @pepperschwartz.

Also of Interest

• Vaginal Products: Which Ones Cause Infection?
• Different Kinds of Retirement Benefits: Discovering Great Sex at 65
• Join AARP: Savings, resources and news for your well-being

See the AARP home page for deals, savings tips, trivia and more

Once my love of romantic travel might have seemed a bit of a sideline to my work with intimate relationships but this week the U.S. Travel Association has produced a study that reinforces what my heart and mind has always known: Travel is the best of all aphrodisiacs and a getaway is a better present that a tennis bracelet by far!

Here are some highlights from the survey:

• Nearly 66% of the couples in the survey said they thought a getaway weekend was more likely to spark romance than large or small gifts, including jewelry.
• 72% of the couples believed traveling actually inspires romance and that translates well in the bedroom.
• 75% of the people who travel as a couple said they had a good sex life compared to 66% of the couples who did not travel together.
• Perhaps even more important, 28% of the couples say their sex life improved after their trip together and 40% say travel permanently improved their sex life. Isn’t that a better way to spend your money than on a sex therapist?!
• Here’s the deal: a bunch of professionals are working hard to give you the right bed, the right room, the right view, the right dinner, the right lighting. And if you go shopping before you leave, the right gadgets! It’s all engineered to make your relationship feel more intimate — and it does!

Being intimate was an important reason to vacation together, according to 59 percent of the couples surveyed. Sadly, almost one in four couples said they didn’t have enough time for intimacy and sex. I couldn’t help but wonder if they had enough time for a divorce!

We desperately need this kind of couple time because it’s healing, bonding and restorative. It can change who you are together and jump-start passion, communication and deepen commitment. We don’t have enough time NOT to take getaways. I mean it, romantic travel is more than just seeing a new place, it can bring back those early days when the joy of life was all about just cuddling in bed all morning.

I walk this walk. I take romantic getaways as often as I can. And I am a romance consultant at a local lovely hotel near my home in Washington state. As their Romance Concierge I tailor special weekends for couples who know how important a perfect romantic weekend can be. It’s not a large part of my professional life, but it is extremely satisfying. I know that a weekend at a beautiful place (and some playful ideas about what to do while you are there) is a huge gift to each other as a couple.

I don’t care how long you have been together, romantic surroundings will renew and refresh the relationship. It’s even better if you make it a part of your relationship lifestyle. If you do already, you know I am not exaggerating its importance. If you are one of those people who are “too busy for intimacy” and are skeptical about much it can do for a relationship, just take a leap of faith and go some place romantic for this Valentine’s Day weekend, even if it’s just for one night. You will see that even a mini lover’s tryst will bring out the romantic in you both.

The bottom line is that couples who travel together are more seriously satisfied with their relationships, have a better sex life in general and find their relationship romantically enhanced long after the trip is over. So what are you waiting for? Run away from home for Valentine’s Day and into each other’s arms.

Photo:  crazyacey on Flickr.

Dr. Pepper Schwartz: Go to an abused women’s shelter and see if you can find someone there who can be your advocate. By an advocate, I mean someone who can help you understand that you have options — that you can leave, that you can support yourself, and that you don’t have to be with a man who treats you badly and who isolates you from the people you love. I am not sure why you have not left; if your counselor told you that this man does not love you and has driven your friends away, what is the reason for staying? If you stay because you are afraid of him, your mentor at the shelter will know how to help you protect yourself and get police support.

Related: How Do I Deal With a Verball-Abusive Spouse?

Life, as they say, is not a dress rehearsal. You need to reclaim your life by getting the support and help you need. I think it is great that you went to a counselor to see what you could do for your marriage, but it seems that now you have a firm conclusion — and you need to act on that conclusion.

I know, however, that it is hard to do this when you are isolated, so that is why I am asking you to go to a woman’s shelter (if you don’t know one, contact your local YWCA or family court and they can refer you). Don’t delay. Find out your rights and reclaim your family.

Dr. Schwartz answers questions every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Submit your question here. Read more of Pepper’s columns here. And be sure to follow Pepper on Twitter @pepperschwartz.

I find this upsetting but not shocking. Why? Because most adult heterosexual people are not getting or hearing public health messages about safe sex and sexual health. Sure, some public health safe-sex videos and Internet messages still target male gay communities and college audiences, but as far as condom education goes, it as if your average heterosexual adult does not exist — and this is especially true for older populations. When have you last heard a public health message about safe sex directed at you? When were you last reminded that only a condom will protect you from sexually transmitted diseases and that you cannot ignore condoms just because your age makes pregnancy unlikely or impossible?

Related: A Safe Sex for Seniors PSA You Don’t Want to Miss

The study touched on ages 45 and over but was primarily focused on people in their teens, 20s and 30s.

We know that younger people are in danger of being less protected from diseases than they used to be because LARC (long-acting reversible contraception) has become the method of choice for family planning professionals and public health practitioners. These are exciting birth control products because they can keep a woman pregnancy-free for years without having to think about contraception for every act or even every three months. But this kind of reassurance about pregnancy helps make some young people less likely to use condoms — and without the additional use of condoms, sexually transmitted diseases increase. If this practice follows them into their older years, it could spell trouble.

Older singles now are in serious jeopardy. In AARP’s national sexual survey in 2009, the abysmal condom-use statistics made it clear that older adults seem to feel protected from disease, even if we aren’t. Only a third of single, sexually active women over 50 said they used condoms “always” or “usually”; less than 12 percent of single sexually active men over 50 said they did the same.

At AARP, a full quarter of our membership is single. Many of these people are dating, and some of them are having intercourse and performing other intimate acts with a partner. While only a small percentage of the increase in sexual diseases can be attributable to an older age group, older people are in no way exempt from these serious infections.

Let the rise in disease transmission act as a warning to us as individuals and, I hope, a spur to public health officials that condom education and encouragement had better step it up several notches.

All sexually active adults need to hear safe-sex messages — and that includes people who are old enough to be eligible for membership in AARP.

Have a question for Dr. Schwartz? She answers questions every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Submit your question here. Read more of Pepper’s columns here. And be sure to follow Pepper on Twitter @pepperschwartz.

Photo by ienjoysushi via CreativeCommons.org

Q:

Dr. Pepper Schwartz: It’s very normal — and it’s very lucky. How fantastic to meet a man (at any age) who can bring erotic joy and adventure into your life. The only thing I worry about for you is whether you can really be in a relationship that is labeled “friends with benefits” instead of wanting more.

If both of you can just enjoy great sex without wanting great love, more power to you. But great sex has a habit of creating great desire for emotional connection — so there may be a time you (or he) wants more and the other person wants things to stay the same. If so, there may be some emotional cost to this sensational sexual relationship. But as long as you know that possibility may exist in the future, it’s just fine to enjoy the present!

Dr. Schwartz answers questions every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Submit your question here. Read more of Pepper’s columns here. And be sure to follow Pepper on Twitter @pepperschwartz.

Q:

I finally talked to him about it and he said he thinks people say “I love you” too casually. I really care for him and believe he feels the same. We have fun and enjoy being together. We are in an exclusive relationship. Am I being too concerned that he cannot say he loves me?

Dr. Pepper Schwartz:  I think you are too concerned. He is telling you that the word “love” is loaded for him and he is not in a place yet where he can express it honestly, or at least spontaneously.  “Love” is an extraordinary word. For some people it’s just a feeling, but for others it is a commitment — not just to be together, but to feel something deep and profound that you would act on (perhaps even to the extent of risking your life for that other person). The bright side of your guy’s reticence about saying “I love you” is that you know he takes it very seriously. When and if he does say it on his own, it will mean a lot. I actually think that is better than someone who says it so easily.

Give him time. For some people, it will take more than a few years before they trust their own emotions and recognize love. We don’t know what the magic number is for him, but your best strategy is just to keep the relationship healthy and loving and let it inevitably lead to his deeper sense of attachment, affection and, yes, love.

Dr. Schwartz answers questions every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Submit your question here. Read more of Pepper’s columns here. And be sure to follow Pepper on Twitter @pepperschwartz.

Photo by  Grzegorz Łobiński via CreativeCommons.

Q: I recently discovered that my husband is on several online dating sites. When I confronted him, he said he was sorry and claimed he wasn’t necessarily trying to “hook up” with anyone. But his profiles on the sites state that he was trying to connect with people for those reasons. I have not found any real proof that he hooked up with anyone else, but he is such a liar I don’t know what to believe! If we didn’t have children, I would have already filed for divorce.

There are other issues, too — the biggest one being that his mother controls way too much of his life (both of them have said that I have no say in the matter). This online dating problem is just the newest issue and seems like the one that is breaking the camel’s back in this so-called marriage.

Dr. Pepper Schwartz: Pardon me, but just because you have kids doesn’t mean you can’t leave. Women have definitely done it. If he has a job, he will have to help support you and them. If he doesn’t earn money and can’t help financially, then take this time to get a full- or part-time job and grow that career you’ve always wanted so you can eventually support yourself and the kids. Start planning for an independent life, because it sure doesn’t sound like this one makes you happy.

But to begin examining your situation, first speak with a counselor. You want to find out if there is anything you are doing that is exacerbating the problems inside your relationship. Maybe there are things you can do that will redirect his emotions and sexuality back into the marriage. It sounds like the two of you are living parallel lives except perhaps for the kids. Do you do enough things together to help promote a loving feeling? Is there any way you could fall in love again?

He is obviously unhappy in the marriage as well. He wouldn’t be looking at dating sites and certainly not participating in them if he was, in fact, happy. You have proof that he is looking outside the relationship, so what makes you so sure he won’t leave you? It seems quite possible to me. Either you have to work on the relationship — rebuilding fun, love and trust — or work at getting some survival skills should the marriage unravel. I hope you will first see if the two of you can find some good things to do together and see if you can enjoy each other’s company and put each other first (rather than his mom!). But if that doesn’t work, compose a life plan for life after marriage. Do not let everything fall apart suddenly, with no plan about how you and your kids would or will create a better future.

Dr. Schwartz answers questions every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Submit your question here. Read more of Pepper’s columns here. And be sure to follow Pepper on Twitter @pepperschwartz.

Photo by Don Hankins via CreativeCommons.org