The Sideliner

Things You Can Tell Just By Looking At It: Part Feuxve

noreply@blogger.com (ABBY L WILSON) — Fri, 11 Sep 2009 06:46:00 +0000

It pains me to inform you that we have arrived at the fifth and final episode of HBO's Hard Knocks. Never have I move vainly hoped that a show would continue, because as it turns out NFL Films as an entity can not read my mind. Or, perhaps its participants are unwilling to accommodate my hopings. Either way, this is the last time this year for to share:

Ten Things I Learned This Week

1. Sometimes, in the wee hours of the morning, the Bengals locker room looks like the setting of a murder mystery story, all dark and spooky and flashlight-requiring. Or maybe it was just this one time - I don't know because I've only seen it once.

Jinkies! Maybe Nancy and her cute male pals can figure out the mystery of the missing Bengals GM!

2. There are new Twitter rules in the NFL, but Chad Ochocinco has been looking for loopholes. According to ESPN (the old one, not Chad himself who claims to be the new one), Ochocinco has declared the loopholes officially found and implores us all in his usual vague way to "tune in" to see something that is probably underwhelming.

3. Among Paul Brown's contributions to the sport of football: the face mask, the passing pocket, the practice squad, and filming practices for teaching purposes. Also? What a boring name for someone who's contemporaries include such monikers as Jock, Elroy, Otto, Chester, Blanton, and Weeb.

4. Final cut day makes me sad. I mean, it's pretty brutal, but then again as a baby I used to cried when my parents took the garbage out, so maybe I'm not the greatest judge.

Another source of tears for a young Abby.

5. Jim Lippincott does not appear to be human. He's is a weird, horrible personnel-firing ro-but. Once he has completed his task, you may bury your tear-stained face in his pillowy waistline, but just know that he cannot love you back.

6. I totally forgot about Chad's house! I had seen it a few years ago during a special highlighting the wide receiver, but I completely failed to remember that his living room is decorated with a bevy of giant, scarily painted, neon-colored portraits of himself. It's sort of amazing, and I choose to believe that they are displayed with at least some small (perhaps really tiny but still present) sense of irony.

7. Okay, I was going to mention this tidbit in one of the other Ten Things I Learned This Week, but I thought surely I didn't see what I thought I saw. You see, I thought I saw a player wearing some sort of cozy on his helmet. Did you know that there is such a thing as a helmet cozy? I didn't. There have now been two instances where players were donning helmet cozies, and it must be addressed. The first time I thought perhaps it was a t-shirt perched atop one gentlman's noggin, simply a convient way to keep his clothing off of the ground and yet stay hands free, but then there it was again this week! The helmet cozy. It frightens and confuses me.

Of course, the helmet cozy pictured here is not the one spotted covering the traditional Bengal stripes, but it may as well have been.

8. The Bengals kept four running backs and only one fullback. That bodes well for the running game...oh right. No offensive line, or at least not much of one. Good luck to you, fellas.

9. This one's another cheat, because I forgot this rather than learned it, but both Roy Williams and Tank Johnson were in last year's Hard Knocks, when the show was following the Dallas Cowboys. Tank suggested that they change the name of the show to "Tank Knocks," which I admit has a nice ring to it.

10. Kicker Shayne Graham has his own steak The Precinct, a local Cincinnati restaurant. Other famous Cincinnati sports faces on the menu? Former Reds pitcher and broadcaster Joe Nuxhall, former Bengals wide receiver Cris Collinsworth, Hall-of-Famer Oscar Robertson of the Royals back when Cincinnati had an NBA team, former Bengals OT and Hall-of-Famer Anthony Munoz, current UC football coach Brian Kelly, and Reds manager Dusty Baker.

If I were ordering off The Precinct menu by name alone, I would go with the Anthony Munoz, because I imagine it would look something like this.

I am so bummed that this show is over! I can't wait until next year's series...for now, though, I can look forward to a new mini-series of interest. Premiering on September 16th at 8pm on Showtime is a documentary called Full Color Football: The History of the American Football League. It looks really interesting, so my condolences to those who do not have access to premium channels. Once again you are missing out.

Things You Can Tell Just By Looking At It: Part Feux

noreply@blogger.com (ABBY L WILSON) — Sun, 06 Sep 2009 04:11:00 +0000

Welcome to the fourth edition of:

Ten Things I Learned This Week

1. James Brown loves the Bengals. No, not that James Brown...No, not that other James Brown, either. Cincinnati has a James Brown of its very own, and he's just a dude who has been there forever and does odd jobs for the Bengals - team attendance, towel folding. But he's not as behind-the-scenes as you might think. In fact, if you've seen a Bengals game, then you've seen Mr. Brown, because he leads the team as they run out onto the field for every game.

Beware of the James Brown ro-but. He will crush you with his trusty steal sledgehammer while he smiles at you with his immutable, malicious grin.

2. Tank Johnson does not know who Bill Walsh is. He was telling a staff member that he just learned about this amazing guy who did this thing called the West Coast Offense. Only he kept calling him "Donnie Walsh" until the the staff guy corrected him. You might think that he was bringing this up because of "Donnie's" association with the Bengals and this is a show about the Bengals, but no. He was surprised to find out this fact. I mean, I'm no football historian but even I know who Bill Walsh is. I also happen know who Donnie Walsh is - he's the president of basketball operations for the New York Knicks.

3. Andre Smith's agent is a creep. The second after his client signed his contract, the first words out of his mouth weren't, "Congratulations! You are officially a professional football player!" or "You just made your NFL dreams come true!" or even, "We're going to have a great year!" Instead he turned to Andre Smith and said, "Congratulations, you're a multi-millionaire." Ick.

4. Chad Ochocinco has a girlfriend. Her name is Maya, and she seems very cool. Chad gave his tip to guys on how to give a girl your number without having to worry about the pain of rejection. Just ask to borrow her phone to make a call, and then put in your info. It apparently worked for him, but if someone did that to me I would not recognize the contact and simply erase it.

5. Jordan Palmer is involved with a website/iPhone app called Run Pee. (Actually, I had heard of this before, but I did learn a little bit more during this week so it counts for my list.) This website tells you when the best times would be to take a bathroom break while watching a movie. You can have your phone buzz you right before the most opportune time to duck out, and then while you're in the bathroom you can read about what you're missing. It's a cool idea, but why can't you just not go to the bathroom for an hour and a half? Maybe you should consult a physician.

The RunPee movie highlighted here is Gamer. As you can see, there are multiple pee times with plot points to unscramble while you're out of the theater. They should definitely not hire me to write these up, because I think the entire movie Gamer is one giant pee time.

6. Interesting quote from defensive coordinator Mike Zimmer to a player: "The only thing that can run you out of the NFL is you." Unless, of course, you are a Bengal, and then you can apparently never be run out of the league, no matter what heinous acts you commit.

7. According to himself, Chad Ochocinco is the new ESPN.

8. Coach Marvin Lewis is all about the details. If your shoe laces aren't tied, you are exhibiting a lack of self-discipline, and if you aren't disciplined about those things then you probably aren't disciplined about the bigger things. He made this concept very clear to his team in a less polite way during a post-game tirade that I quite enjoyed.

9. There are carriage rides available in Cincinnati. Impressive undrafted free-agent and safety Tom Nelson took his wife on a ride around the city. I am from Cincinnati, and as I saw the couple embark on their tour I thought to myself, "Where on earth are they going? What would you want to be seeing downtown while attached to a horse?" Mostly it didn't look very picturesque, but there was a really quaint area that I did not recognize...Where were they? Do we have such a thing as German Town? It looked German-y.

10. Joe Torre can appear on the show but not Muhammad Ali? Sorry, I'm still hung up on that one from last week. The Dodgers skipper was featured when a few Bengals attended a Reds game against Los Angeles. Seeing him reminded me how thankful I am that the NFL does not require their coaches to wear uniforms, because really the last thing anyone needs to see is Andy Reid or Romeo Crennel in football pants.

Just imagine it. I haven't.

Things You Can Tell Just By Looking At It: Part Threux

noreply@blogger.com (ABBY L WILSON) — Fri, 28 Aug 2009 04:38:00 +0000

Once again, it is time for the weekly lessons learned from HBO's Hard Knocks...

Ten Things I Learned This Week

1. Well-traveled linebacker Dhani Jones is apparently a big wearer of neon blue short shorts. This was highlighted in the "rookie show," but then confirmed towards the end of the episode with the man himself donning a pair.

You know who else likes even shorter shorts? The Washington Redskins' Chris Cooley.

2. Sometimes running backs barf on the sidelines. DeDe Dorsey is such a running back.

3. The axeman waiteth at the door for his prey/ A quiet bloodbath to begin each day. That's just a fancy, poetic way of saying that Director of Personnel Jim Lippincott has moved on from waking dudes up at 5am to fire them and now simply waits inside the facility doors while all the players file nervously past until he sees his man and goes in for the kill.

4. I love training montages. And, as it turns out, I don't love hurt-player montages, even when appropriately set to Elvis's song Hard Knocks. Actually, the whole injury thing was an interesting segment that really highlighted a serious and pervasive issue that plagues the league. I shall expound.

On the show, there were several guys, including rookie fave Rey Maualuga, who were mildly to moderately injured over the past couple weeks. The coaches were shown "good-naturedly" ribbing these players for not being able to play, although in fact these ribs were actually just veiled threats that implied if the player couldn't play, they could lose their spot on the team - either as a starter or on the entire roster.

The reality is this: if you can't play, you don't get in the practice and experience you need, the less fit you become, the less the coaches see you, the less you can impress them, therefore the less chance of keeping a starting spot (or any spot) on the squad, and so on. So it behooves any player to be on the field...even if they are hurt. And of course, when you play hurt you open yourself up to get even more badly hurt. Now, the coaches want the best guys on the field, period, so they apply pressure to these ailing players to return quickly.

The training staff's job is to prevent both of these attitudes from winning out for the benefit of the player (which, to the credit of the Bengals, they did). This kind of struggle happens all the time, from a minor ankle sprains to major concussions. The segment in this show didn't make a political point out of this (I think it was meant to be a funny little segment), and I don't think the Bengal coaches looked worse than any other team's coaches would have, but it inadvertently exposed a real problem in the league.

5. Okay, I'll follow up that long diatribe with this light weight one. I could actually devote several of my weekly points on Chad Ochocinco's off-field antics, but instead I'll just highlight two this week:

Chad's New Favorite Phrase: "Kiss the baby." Translation: "Similar to 'the fat lady sings.' In other words, it's over.
Chad's fun fact-o-the-week: He buys his earrings at Claire's. According to him, the faux baubles look just as good as the real thing at only a fraction of the cost.

I share this with Chad: we both have patronized Claire's, and I don't mean acted condescendingly towards, although perhaps that's also true. I, like, totally got my ears pierced there!

6. On Bob Bratkowski's office wall hangs a hand-painted, arts & crafts-style sign that reads: "It's 5 o'clock somewhere." What an odd place for a drinking and/or Alan Jackson & Jimmy Buffet reference.

7. Apparently a visit from Muhammad Ali to training camp is interesting enough to tease, and it's interesting enough for it to be the only description in the episode guide, but it's not interesting enough to actually air.

8. The Andre Smith situation is ridiculous, and I understand that they 49ers are in the same position with Michael Crabtree. It's called a "slotting system," fellas. You make more than the pick below you and less than the pick above. Just because you think you should have gone higher in the draft does not mean you get paid more. You're worth what people collectively say you're worth, not some self-inflated number based on an imaginary, hypothetical draft. Andre, you are not worth as much as Jason Smith, and Michael, you are not worth as much as Darrius Heyward-Bey. Please get used to it and sign already so you can show up to your teams embarrassed and unprepared.

9. Remember that extra-point kick Ochocinco made against New England? That was Chad's idea. Funniest quote from the Bengals staff: "He'll want a signing bonus now."

10. I don't care who wears them, I don't like white football pants because you can see butts through them.

See what I mean? The Texas Longhorns have the see-thruiest of them all. Can't they double layer that fabric? My apologies to former Longhorn and current Patriot Dave Thomas (not the Wendy's guy) for posting this picture, but (no pun intended) it had to be done.

Keep watching...only two episodes remain!

Things You Can Tell Just By Looking At It: Part Deux

noreply@blogger.com (ABBY L WILSON) — Fri, 21 Aug 2009 05:23:00 +0000

Welcome to the second installment of the Hard Knocks review, where I...review this weeks episode with the:

Ten Things I Learned This Week

1. I don't like hearing the phrase "they used to," especially when followed by the descriptive term "sizzles." I especially don't like to hear that combined phrase when it is referring to the Bengals offense.

Here is something currently sizzling - the love between two eggs, sunny side up. This also depicts your brain on drugs, or at least what you might be seeing if you were actually on drugs.

2. Carson Palmer is very picky about his Gatorade. He likes a blend of flavors which he describes as "berry-licious," and the only staff member who appears to be able to accommodate this request is some dude named Lamar.

3. Chad Ochocinco fake drinks at bars. He orders Red Bull and cranberry juice so it looks like he's drinking, but he's not. Also? Chad looooooves McDonald's and appears to eat it for every meal.

4. The Bengals had a police officer come in to go over general safety rules with the team. For reasons indiscernible, the officer cautioned them to not stand under coconut trees lest they fall victim to a coconut husk death blow. Good advice, I guess, but what on earth does that have to do with the Bengals? I can only assume that it was just preparation for the team's arrival in Miami for Superbowl XLIV.

Coconuts aren't the only things you need to be wary of falling out of a coconut tree. Occasionally, you might encounter an idiot in a red shirt plummet to the ground and hurt his nose, so be careful.

5. Chris Henry looks like an alien.

6. Chase Coffman's (the rookie and possibly now starting tight end) dad, Paul, played tight end for both the Green Bay Packers and the Kansas City Chiefs. While with the Chiefs, Paul played with tight end Jonathan Hayes...who is now Chase Coffman's tight end coach with the Bengals.

7. I have always been aware of the father/son-like relationship between Marvin Lewis and Chad Ochocinco, but there was a nice little behind-the-scenes glimpse at that very thing this week, where Lewis gave Chad some money advice - how to invest and how exactly banks work. It was an endearing private moment, and was only on wall mounted cameras (meaning, there was no crew with them at the time).

8. Wide receiver Laveranues Coles rests in a portable hypobaric chamber. It looks like a flexible vinyl coffin, but I champion anything that will improve a player's game.

9. Tank Johnson has the absolutely cutest little girls I have ever seen. He put together a bunk bed for them, but advised the top bunk dweller not to jump on her bed, just in case. I guess he wasn't too confident in his handiwork.

10. I decided that if I had to make a movie about the Bengals, I already know a few people I'd cast...

As Offensive Coordinator Bob Bratkowski: Terence Stamp!

As Executive Vice President (and Owner Mike Brown's daughter): Geraldine Chaplin! (who also had a famous dad: Charlie!)

As Mike Brown himself: Truman Capote! Okay, I know he's dead, but still.

And, of course, as Chris Henry: an alien!

'Tis The Season

noreply@blogger.com (ABBY L WILSON) — Mon, 17 Aug 2009 06:00:00 +0000

Okay, so imagine my annoyance when I went to review my recent posts and found that somehow one of my scheduled posts did not, in fact, get posted. For the record, this was meant to have been available to read almost a week ago as a response to the first preseason NFL game. I am officially posting it now (with a few adjustments regarding time & day), but how irritating that some of it is so very passe by now. Nevertheless, I implore you to enjoy...

Once again, my favorite season is upon us and I am very jolly. Can anything beat the fall? I mean, in general but also with sports. Everything is awesome and new...starting with football.

Last Sunday night marked the return of the NFL to our television sets with the first preseason game of the year - the Buffalo Bills vs. the Tennessee Titans in the annual Hall of Fame Game.

Okay, when you type in "Buffalo, New York" into Google images, this picture comes up on the very first page. Just thought you should know.

I can't tell you how excited I was with the first helmet-to-helmet contact. Actually, come to think of it, I can tell you. I'm under no contractual obligation to maintain confidentiality...at least not about this. I was very excited. Of course, that's an illegal play but they're fun to watch. Apparently the rules have changed, as they are wont to do, and this year all helmet contact will be called. Essentially, if any part of your body touches the other player's helmet during a tackle, you will be called for unnecessary roughness, which is a tad ridiculous. No shoulder pads, no arms? I'm no football player, but I imagine it is difficult to hurl your body at someone with enough equal and opposite force to stop them running at full speed and NOT get anywhere near their helmet. But what do I know.

The game also saw the first official pairing of Al Michaels and Cris Collinsworth in the booth for Sunday Night Football since John Madden's retirement earlier this year. I like them both, so I'm looking forward to this duo all year. Did you ever notice that Al Michaels sounds remarkably like Alan Alda? Well, he does. Next time you are watching SNF, close your eyes and imagine Hawkeye Pierce giving you the play-by-play. As an added bonus (to me), both Michaels and Collinsworth have a Cincinnati connection - the latter as a wide receiver for the Bengals and the former as an announcer for the Reds. Winners in my book...

My boy Cris and his weird, cropped Prince Valiant/70's shag thing he's got going on.

As for the game, the Bills looked terrible. I know the preseason games don't necessarily mean anything, but they looked severely overmatched by the Titans, and I only count the time that both teams played their starters, although the Bills were dominated all night. Except TO, who looked pretty good. TO is the kind of player that you want on your fantasy team, because he's awesome, but since it is fantasy and not reality you don't actually have to play with him or spend any time at all with him. And that is at least one area where you and Buffalo are not the same, so good luck to The City of Good Neighbors on that account.

But guess what else? That's not the only thing that fall is bringing us. Here are some other football-centric items on the horizon:

--My very favorite show on television, Hard Knocks, started last Wednesday and this year it is following my very favorite football team. If you are in any way interested in the reality behind what you see for only a few short hours every Sunday, you must watch this show. Also, who dey!

--The NFL preseason continues over the next couple of weeks. I hate preseason because some of the games are boring due to all of the 2nd and 3rd and 4th string teams filled with people you've never heard of. But I love preseason because there's a game every Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. That's a lot of football. But then I hate preseason because of all of those games, like three of them are actually aired on a viewable station.

--You think we're done with football? Oh my, no. There is so much more to come, and it comes in the form of those young, bright-eyed kids descending upon your local college campuses as we speak. College football debuts in a few short weeks, starting with NC State taking on South Carolina. As much as I love pro football, I might love college a little bit more. There are a billion games every weekend, and it doesn't matter to me who is playing - I can always find someone to root for. The cute ones, of course! (I feel I have, like, one or two more years to say things like that until I start sounding creepy.)

The Vest is upon us! I bet you that the happiest college coach of all right now is Rick Pitino, because now all of the scandal hubbub will dwindle for the next couple months. He can spend the time preparing for when it re-hits him in the face.

--Another form of football fun is fantasy! Over the next couple of weeks everyone is getting their fantasy football draft lists ready to go. I actually think that this fantasy phenomenon and the Madden video game series have been instrumental in the enormous surge of popularity of the NFL in the last five years. The more you understand something, especially a sport, the more connected to it you become. With Madden, you really learn the strategy of play calling and what each play entails. And since you have to pick plays while using the game, you begin to recognize them on the field and even start to predict what will or should happen. Or so I hear. I am not dexterous enough to play Madden. And then with fantasy football, you follow the stats of players and get to know players all across the entire league, whereas before you might only know who is on your favorite team. This familiarity breeds personal investment, and that (along with salary caps and a short season) is why people care so much about pro football. Look into it.

--And yet more football. Only this time it is the world's meaning of the word "football" and not America's. That's right - good ol' fashioned soccer. The European football leagues have just kicked off, and this year I am, of course, pulling for Chelsea. When I went to their game recently, I got an official Chelsea scarf so now I can wear it as I act like a crazed soccer hooligan in the privacy of my own home. It will join my other good luck trinkets that adorn my TV stand - my mini-Bengals helmet and my Brutus the Buckeye that plays the OSU fight song. I have yet to find the right combination of jerseys/t-shirts/hats/footballs/other themed objects that actually bring me good luck, but I will keep on trying.

Things You Can Tell Just By Looking At It

noreply@blogger.com (ABBY L WILSON) — Fri, 14 Aug 2009 06:40:00 +0000

Hard Knocks debuted last night, and it was predictably awesome. I thought that for the next few weeks while the show is airing, I would highlight a new segment here on The Sideliner:

Ten Things I Learned This Week

1. Marvin Lewis has a pretty sick house. He also has a pretty mean cornhole toss.

2. Mike Brown's glasses have possibly the most un-blended bifocal line in the known universe.

3. The Football Term O' The Week: The Oklahoma Drill.

If you were like me, you may have thought that The Oklahoma Drill was a fancy girl drink. You would have been wrong, and then also embarrassed for having ordered it rather loudly at the bar in front of that whole group of hipsters who are way, way cooler than you. Because those are the kind of silly things you do.

Well, it ain't a fancy drink. The Oklahoma Drill consists of good ol' fashioned, one-on-one tackle fights, which I love to watch - especially in the beautiful slo-mo footage from NFL Films. But here's what it really is:

There are two dummy bags positioned about 3-5 yards apart. One defensive player lines up against one offensive player at the line of scrimmage. Behind him is a quarterback and a running back. On the coach's signal, the QB hands off to the back, who tries to make it through the space created by the bags. The defender must shed the offensive player and then tackle the running back. If that explanation is too confusing to visualize, or you are just plain interested in seeing this done, check out this video from the Jaguar's training camp.

4. Rookie tight end Chase Coffman is going to have the strongest biceps east of the Mississip. For every mistake he makes on the field he has to do 15 push-ups, and I'll tell ya...he does a lot of push-ups. He's going to need the strength, because the Bengals have already broken both their first and second string tight ends (Reggie Kelly and Ben Utecht).

5. Andre Smith, the first round draft pick from Alabama who has yet to officially sign his contract, should never, ever, ever run with his shirt off.

6. This one's a two-fer, because I learned two things about Jim Lippincott, the Director of Football Operations. A) he has the weirdest waistline in the history of waistlines and it is a shame that I do not have a picture to illustrate this point, and B) his name sounds like what happens to a German when he tries to kiss a frozen metal pole. I guess that second one is more of an observation.

7. Chad Ochocinco has a special affinity for the phrase, "Child, please!" Also? He wears his hat like that one dude from Oz.

The cap must be worn just like so. Child, please.

8. There was a fascinating conversation amongst the management about how to fix the lack of tight ends problem. Perhaps a fullback could fill in? Mike Brown suggested defensive end Chris Harrington, but that got shot down due to his being "stiff." Harrington, that is, not Brown.

9. The only thing harsher than getting cut from the team is when the person cutting you knocks on your door at 5:30 in the morning to do it, and gently lets you down by telling you right to your face that you "lack ability." That's a fine how-do-you-do!

10. Safety Chris Crocker was charged with covering Chad Ochocinco for much of the time and looked absolutely fantastic doing it. I am choosing to interpret that as a positive for Mr. Crocker, as opposed to a negative for Mr. Ochocinco because I am an optimist. Also, I learned that Chris Crocker and I were born on the exact same day in history, only 280 miles apart, and he is therefore now one of my new faves.

Watch next week's episode on Wednesday at 10pm on HBO, and then report back here, because I am certain that I have many more things to learn...

A Grim Fairy Tale

noreply@blogger.com (ABBY L WILSON) — Mon, 03 Aug 2009 06:30:00 +0000

Well, I've been pretty busy lately. Last week I got to watch my favorite soccer team live and in person, and this week I got to watch some world class tennis. I just ambled down to the UCLA campus where the LA Tennis Open was taking place and took in a match. Actually, I took in two.

I had gotten tickets to one of the semifinal matches and I was hoping to see some big names, although many of the biggest names in the tennis biz weren't there due to the fact that it's a few weeks too early to warm-up for the US Open apparently. I was in luck, though, because the match earlier in the day had two unseeded players and then my match had Tommy Haas (currently ranked No. 22 and a former No. 2) against local boy and American up-and-comer Sam Querrey.

I thought I'd let the pictures tell the story....

Tennis: A Modern Day "Love" Story Even Though That Wasn't The End Score

Chapter One - An Extremely Civil War

Once upon a time, in a far-off and partially fabricated place called La-La Land, there was a German and an American who decided to fight. (Don't worry...This story isn't about Nazis. Just hang in there.) They took to the court with a brightly colored ball and one snowshoe each strapped to their hands with which to parry the orb back and forth.

The German lost the first battle and decided to change his luck by switching his evil black shirt for an angelic white one. The crowd was not confused by his trickery and continued their refusal to root for him.

After displaying some impressive Hacky Sack skills with that fuzzy, bright spheroid, The German thought he might have won some to his side, and yet not a single peep was heard in support from the spectators. Finally this man decided to drop the charade and re-wrapped himself in his darkened cloak. Dejected and unsupported, the German lost the battle, and as it turns out, the war. But the story did not end here. Oh, no....

Chapter Two - Abuse of the Elderly

There was more tennis to be played and barely witnessed that fateful night! Many so-called fans fled the scene due to the late-ish hour and the cool-ish breeze. But those that remained were in for a real treat.

Impressively under their own power, two long-in-the-tooth (but not in a vampire way) senior citizens shuffled into view. They were ancient American tennis legends Jim Courier and Michael Chang. Amused by all the talk of old folks and misled by the repeated use of the word "classic," one fan's world was shattered when she realized that both of these players were less than ten years older than her.

The camera work may be sketchy at times, but quit complaining.

Like The German and The American before them, The Blonde One and The Asian One were worthy adversaries in their epic clash on the cobalt blue battlefield.

Just when it seemed like The Blonde One had the upper hand, that age-old, cruel mistress called Michael Chang reared its ugly head. (No offense, Michael. It's called "artistic license.") In the end, only The Asian One was left standing. Literally. Because The Blonde One was crouching. It was a glorious night, a fight filled with triumph and tragedy and, for some, a hot pretzel.

Chapter Three: The End

The end.

Combat Boots

noreply@blogger.com (ABBY L WILSON) — Tue, 28 Jul 2009 06:00:00 +0000

Is America catching soccer fever? Probably not, but maybe kinda. This past week has been chock-full and jammed packed and so on and so forth with what they call "the beautiful game." I always thought that term was a reference to Guess Who?, but apparently I was erroneous in that line of thinking.

There were a lot of battles on field this week, and here are some highlights from the past week, all of which were actually viewable on TV...

HIGHLIGHTS

Chelsea vs. Seattle Sounders: English super-club and my favorite, Chelsea, started their preseason here in the states, and boy were they busy. They started by putting in a very good showing against the Seattle Sounders, the relatively new addition to MLS partially owned by Drew Carey. They drew a huge crowd (over 60,000) for this very competitive game even though Chelsea won 2-0. I have to admit that I was rooting for Chelsea over the American side, but to be fair they are my team.

AC Milan vs. LA Galaxy: Like Chelsea, AC Milan began their preseason here in States. Actually, both teams were also here for another event this week, but I'll get to that in a minute. This matchup saw David Beckham's triumphant/angry and tumultuous return to his MLS team after having been loaned out through the first half of the season to...AC Milan. While he was away he missed the release of The Beckham Experiment, a book lambasting the midfielder's behavior since he came to play here several years ago. It was largely supported by many scathing quotes from teammate and US star Landon Donovan.

Anyway, to make a long story short (too late), Beckham did not return to a particularly warm reception and there was an incident and then it turned into an ordeal and now I think it's officially a resolution.

I wonder if the most popular player in the world has every felt this unpopular?

Here's the thing - this is one of those occasions where if LA wins the championship - they are currently third in the West - all is forgiven. However, if the Galaxy don't make it to the playoffs, be prepared for backlash. Especially since Beckham has already made his intentions clear to go back to AC Milan after the season. Good news for the Galaxy, though: this particular night they tied AC Milan.

US Women vs Canada: This was just an international friendly, but a significant milestone was reached nonetheless. The awesomely named Abby and then sort of boringly named Wambach scored her 100th goal. This was a long time coming. Last year before the Olympics when she was sitting on 99, I wrote a little item about her here. And then she broke here leg, which I wrote about here. After a very long year of recovering and missing out on winning a gold medal, Abby was back in form and was able to find the back of the net.

World Football Championship: This newly made-up championship brought four of the biggest names in football together for a preseason tournament. English Premiere giant Chelsea, Italian Serie A combatants AC Milan, Inter Milan, and Mexican Club America traveled across the country playing six games in a single week. Everywhere they went they were followed by huge crowds with the average attendance for the championship well over 60,000 and the largest crowd topping 81,000. Here's the moral of that story: Americans apparently like soccer so long as it's being played by the best in the world, the superstars of the sport. Because that's how we, as Americans, roll - we rock "best of" exclusively. We say, "No time for losers," although oddly enough a Zanzibar-born Brit beat us to the punch on that one.

Remember a few sentences ago when I mentioned the 81,000+ crowd? Well, I was one of those thousands. I got the chance to watch my Blues beat up on those dumb old Italians of Inter Milan at the Rose Bowl. It was awesome; I got to watch some of the biggest names in soccer play - John Terry (my fave), Anelka, Drogba, Lampard, Deco, Essien, Malouda, Kalou, Alex, Carvalho, Cole...that is one seriously stacked team. Pretending for the moment that this was the starting lineup (which it wasn't completely), the guys left on the bench could be their own all-star team and compete in the Premiere league by themselves. Well, not completely by themselves; technically there would need to be other teams in order for there to be competition. Anyway, it's crazy.

Some play down at my end. If you look carefully, you can spot the white ball in the upper middle portion of the picture, blending in with some fans.

The penalty kick: before...

...and after.

Also a word to the wise about attending an event at the Rose Bowl - don't do it. It is the stupidest parking set-up in the entire world, an assertion I can back up by my many mental travels around the globe. The Rose Bowl holds a shade over 90,000 people, so the fact that there is one tiny parking lot for about 1/9th of that is unforgivable. They make you park on the fairways and greens of a golf course near the stadium, a practice I do believe must irk the greenskeepers. (Not the band The Greenskeepers, although I don't know. Maybe it irks them, too.) This is after you must battle freeway traffic, exit traffic, and then a drive through a neighborhood on a single lane road with the traffic generated by 80,000 other people. This drive should take about 10 minutes. It took me almost two hours. I actually missed the first goal while I was literally, actually jogging 15 minutes from my car to my gate. The good news is I was able to see Frank Lampard score on a penalty kick and Chelsea won (yay)!

So after a week it came down to two games - Chelsea vs. Club America for the championship (Chelsea won again! Yay!) and a cross-town shootout between AC Milan and their rival Inter Milan. AC Milan played terribly the entire week and lost this one as well, but a fun part of their last match was a starting nod for Oguchi Onyewu. The American defender was recently traded to the Italian team from his club in Belgium, a huge deal for him personally as well as for Americans playing in Big Soccer.

US Men vs. Mexico: Granted it was the B-team, but the US lost- no, lost is not strong enough of a word...the US was demolished by Mexico, 0-5, to win the Gold Cup. Ouch.

UPCOMING EVENTS

This has been a lot of soccer, huh? Well, there was actually more that went on this past week but I've just given the highlights. In case you feel like you missed out on all the fun, there is more soccer coming your way...

Even though everyone else is in their preseason, the MLS is going strong and have reached the halfway mark of the season. The MLS All-Stars will be playing the English club Everton FC - including US Men's goalkeeper Tim Howard - on Wednesday, July 29th.
LA Galaxy will take on current UEFA champions Barcalona and international superstar Lionel Messi at the Rose Bowl. Perhaps you've seen that Adidas commercial about Messi where I swear it sounds like the voice over guy says, "They say his feet taste like timber in a crackling fire..." Why would anyone know that or say it or want to buy shoes from this person? Also playing for Barca is Thierry Henry, that one mystery dude from those Gillette commercials with Tiger Woods and Roger Federer. Saturday, August 1st.
Real Madrid will have their own mini-tour of the US and Canada as they battle both DC United and Toronto FC. This will be much anticipated as Real Madrid has acquired the top and now most expensive player in the world, Christiano Ronaldo (formerly of Manchester United). They also acquired Brazilian mega-star Kaka in addition to already employing half of the Dutch national team, currently ranked No.3 in the world. Real Madrid play Toronto FC on Friday, August 7th and DC United on Sunday, August 9th.
And last but not least, with the World Cup less than a year away, we are nearing the end of the qualifying process. Our next match, and a huge one at that, is against Mexico. It takes place in Mexico City, where the US side has never won, against a team that has just hammered us. Look for the US to bounce back, if for no other reason than to wipe a little mud off of our collective face(s). At least, that's what I'm hoping. Wednesday, August 12.

Elementary, My Dear Watson

noreply@blogger.com (ABBY L WILSON) — Tue, 21 Jul 2009 05:00:00 +0000

Or perhaps not it isn't so elementary after all. What an absolute shame for Tom Watson, and what a weird British Open over all this year. First of all, Tiger Woods didn't even make the cut, only the second time this has happened in his professional career. This is the guy that (naturally) everyone and their uninformed mothers in the sports media was predicting to win. It's not exactly the worst guess ever considering Tiger's track record. However, the guy isn't exactly playing out-of-this-world so far this season, especially in the majors - he tied for 6th in both the Masters and the US Open, and, as I have just mentioned, was cut before making it to this weekend.

Tiger is pictured here in silhouette because we, as a nation, cannot bear to look at this way.

I would like to make a sports-related comparison if I may, which I may because this is my blog and I can say whatever I want so there. This deal with Tiger sort of reminds me of another media friendly sport: football. When good quarterbacks get hurt, especially in the leg region, it takes a long time to recover, both physically and mentally. Just because the athlete has had a complete physical rehabilitation doesn't mean they are ready or even able to play at their highest level. Look at Carson Palmer, who had a massive knee blowout in 2005 and took several years to get back in form. Or Serena Williams, who tore her ACL in 2003 and struggled for several years after until she returned to her former self. And those are just two high profile examples off the top of my head - if you did some research (as I cursorily performed), you'd find the same thing from most athletes who had sustained knee injuries. It takes time to recover, and the worse the injury, the longer it takes to get back.

So in Tiger's case, the same appears to be holding true. He's not playing at 100%. Now, the reason why I make the analogy to NFL football in particular is because the media's treatment of the athletes is so similar. There is zero slack cut, zero x-factors taken into account. Quarterback plays = quarterback wins; Tiger plays = Tiger wins. I get why the networks would hope for Tiger's dominance. The more viewers, the more advertisers want to pay for spots, and that, in turn, is just more and more money in the networks' bank(s).

But the sports writers of the world? Just good old fashioned tunnel vision. I am not so conspiratorially driven as to believe that a network like ESPN would talk up Tiger or the British Open simply to aid in the viewership or advertising sales of their sister network, ABC, who aired The Open Championship. And furthermore, seeing as I have established that I am not a collusive minded individual, I do not think that this is some overarching evil scheme orchestrated by the Walt Disney Company, who coincidentally owns both networks. Or do I? By the way, speaking of quarterbacks, keep your eye on Tom Brady this year. Already the sports media are talking about how he's going to pick right up where he left off and lead his team to another Superbowl. I'm not so sure.

Mechanical footballs? Conspiracy!

Anyway, enough of Tiger Woods. I'm tired of talking about him. And yet, the whole Tom-Watson-choking-on-the-very-last-hole-of-the-entire-tournament thing pains me to talk about, so I won't. Instead, I will leave you with a weird, perhaps unnerving fact: Tom Watson's wife, Hilary Watson, was previously married to another golfer named Denis...Watson. So she never even had to change her name. Sort of creepy.

I want you to know that I know that the title of this blog is not actually a Sherlock Holmes quote. However, my other option was "Watson, you idiot. Someone stole our tent..." but I didn't think that worked.

My Days Are Numbered

noreply@blogger.com (ABBY L WILSON) — Mon, 13 Jul 2009 07:01:00 +0000

There have been 365 of them, to be exact. The Sideliner has turned one! We have officially been in business for an entire year, and by "we," I mean myself and my many personalities, but that's several other stories for another time.

I have a lot in common with this celebrating baby. First, we are both one year old - her literally and myself figuratively. Secondly, we both lack the fine motor skills that allow us to eat cake without smearing it all over our pig-faces. Thirdly, both of us need our diapers changed immediately.

A lot of things have happened in this single cycle around the sun - many sporting champions have been crowned, many athletes have experienced the heights and triumphs of athleticism, and still many others have disgraced their own names by participating in various illegal activities. My very first post ever was about Wimbledon, and so I will pay homage to myself by giving you a quick review of this year's fortnight at the All England Club. Federer won. I think that about does it...

Actually, it was a very good showing for American tennis considering we are far outnumbered by Russians and those from the other countries Russia used to oppress. Serena beat Venus in an all-American women's final, and then later that day the two of them won the double's title. The Bryan brothers were in the men's doubles finals (lost), Jordan Cox made it to the boys' finals (lost), and Andy Roddick so very almost won the men's finals (but lost). We also have some new hope for the future on the women's side with sixteen-year-old Melanie Oudin who made it in to the tournament by qualifying and played her way into the fourth round. And, of course, what Wimbledon would be complete without a beatdown from Martina Navritilova, who handily won the ladies' invitation doubles.

Congrats to Federer, I guess, for his big record-breaking 15th title, but the more I watch that guy the less I like of him. I thought he was extremely ungracious in his win over Roddick, especially considering the fact that he should have lost that match. Roddick clearly thought so, too. Federer has been an absolute baby in the past year during his series of losses, mostly to Nadal. He's pouted, he's smashed his racket...I think he's an amazing tennis player but he's shown his true colors. I get it - the man likes to win, but he's kind of a poor sport in both winning and losing. What better opportunity to be humble than when you are clearly the best, perhaps the best ever?

But I will not leave you with this as your last image of Wimbledon, as the last mental image of The Sideliner's first birthday celebration. Instead, I will leave you with this:

The Best Tennis Outfit Ever goes to Ann White, who sported this amazing unitard look in a 1985 match against Pam Shriver. Maybe Serena can bring this look back? I know she's always trying to be fashion-forward. Perhaps it would behoove us all to be a little fashion-backward.

Legal (and computer) Troubles

noreply@blogger.com (ABBY L WILSON) — Mon, 06 Jul 2009 23:00:00 +0000

Okay, I have to apologize, because I had written a bunch of posts and scheduled them to be published this week...and then they didn't get published for some reason. I would like to blame it on blogspot, however you and I both know it came down to something called "user error." Some of the posts I had written in the past week make no sense now, so I won't re-post them. Just know that they were some of the best pieces of writing that have ever flowed from brain to keyboard and were especially hilarious.

I have a Very Special Post coming your way in the next few days, but here's a little something to tide you over - one of the (sort of) relevant missing posts that isn't supposed to be funny and is sadly true. Enjoy...

***

How does this in any way make sense? After Donte Stallworth received a thirty day jail sentence for KILLING A MAN, I was already baffled by how that could possibly be. And now this.

A Sacramento man is going to be sentenced to three years in prison for the burglary and theft of Lance Armstrong's time trial bike. I...don't even know what to say about that. Three years for stealing a bike? And yet one month for taking someone's life while driving drunk? What an absolutely crazy world we live in. I cannot think of a bigger slap in the face to the victim's family, nor a bigger setback to the drunk driving policy.

To Stallworth's right: a man who's ability to sleep at night flabbergasts me.

This "sentence" sends the message to everyone that it is no big deal to drive drunk. So what if you kill someone? Don't worry, you'll barely be inconvenienced at all. And apparently the US legal system finds that Armstrong's $10,000 bike is worth more than someone's life. To quote a Woody Allen movie, "I object your honor! This trial is a travesty. It's a travesty of a mockery of a sham of a mockery of a travesty of two mockeries of a sham!" And I do not mean that as a joke.

Goal Oriented

noreply@blogger.com (ABBY L WILSON) — Wed, 24 Jun 2009 23:00:00 +0000

What?! I hate to say it, but I am an official naysayer. I absolutely did not believe that the US could pull off a win against Spain, the number one team in the world, much less a 2-0 win. And all this after an absolutely ridiculous entry into the semifinals of the Confederations Cup in the first place. Rewind with me, if you would, to this past Sunday.

While you were probably watching MMP rock a two under par at the US Open, the US Men's National Team was lined up, ready to take on Egypt in the final round of group play. After a very poor showing against Italy and an even poorer one against Brazil, our guys had no wins, no draws, and no points. Brazil had clinched it's birth in the semifinals, but Italy and Egypt each had a chance to advance with a win. The only way, and I mean only way, that we could possibly advance, was if we pulled out a win of three or more goals AND if Brazil beat Italy by three or more. Three-nil scores are not exactly the norm, so two of them are even less likely. And yet, lo and behold, that is exactly what happened. The US put three in the back of the net and got some major help from our American neighbors to the south to advance to the semifinals.

Jozy Altidore (17) celebrates after his goal. You know what probably makes it sweeter for him? He plays for Villareal in Spain, and scored by beating out one of his teammates their. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Spainy! (...is something I'm sure he was overheard yelling.)

Although they looked good against Egypt, my thinking was, "The operative word here is: Egypt." I mean, it's one thing to beat a team ranked No. 40, and it is a far, far different thing to beat the top ranked team in the world. We sort of aren't in the same class...or at least I thought so. The Spanish side still dominated today's match - they out shot us 29-9. But a goal in the first half from 19-year old Jozy Altidore and one in the second from Clint Dempsey got it done today against La Roja. I guess it's the quality that counts, not the quantity.

This was a huge win for the US. Firstly, it ended Spain's fifteen game winning streak and 35 game unbeaten streak. This was also the first US win over the European country, and one of only two times we have bested any No. 1 team. In addition to all this, today's win marks the first time the US Men's National Team will appear in a final at a FIFA competition.

The final will be on Sunday, June 28th, but before that Thursday's game will determine who the US will face: either the host nation, South Africa, or another football giant, Brazil. Yeah, that Brazil. The one that beat us 3-0 last week. But I think at this point anything is possible, and that is exactly the attitude we need going into the fastly approaching World Cup. First thing's first, however, and I think we should all concentrate on this weekend. On Sunday I will definitely have my jersey on, cheering U! S! A!

The Supreme Court

noreply@blogger.com (ABBY L WILSON) — Wed, 24 Jun 2009 04:50:00 +0000

It's Wimbledon time! And we get another chance to watch defending champion Rafael Nadal go toe-to-toe with multiple title winner Roger Federer!...Oh wait, what? Nadal hurt his knee and has withdrawn from the field?...Well, I guess nevermind, then.

Much intrigue remains, however. As usual, everyone is playing for something, and Federer has the most on the line. After recently placing the ever elusive French Open feather in his overcrowded and much be-feathered cap, Fed has a few more goals in sight. With a win at the All England Club he would attain his sixth title there, and with that title he would beat the record he currently shares with Pete Sampras of 14 career Grand Slams. And that's not all. Federer would also regain his No. 1 ranking, ousting the injured Nadal.

Um...I'm not positive, but I'm fairly certain that Wimbledon has a very strict dress code, and they would never allow that black hat on the court.

The No. 2 spot is also up for grabs. If Federer does NOT win, Nadal keeps his spot atop the rankings. If either Djokovic or Andy Murray win, they will climb to No.2. As an added bonus, if Murray wins he'll be the first Brit to win Wimbledon since Fred Perry beat the pants off an actual, literal Nazi in 1936. It is difficult to root against Federer here but that's what I said a few weeks ago regarding Nadal at the French Open, so what do I know.

On the ladies' side, the situation is a little different. The No.1 ranked woman, Dinara Safina, is most certainly not a grass player. In fact, she has stated that "grass hates [me]." Not even she is expecting to get incredibly far, especially not with No.2 and No.3, the Williams sisters, in the field. Venus is defending back-to-back titles, a challenge she had already attempted a few years ago. Unfortunately, it didn't go so well - she lost the next two finals to her sister. Another player to always keep an eye on, especially at Wimbledon, is former champ Maria Sharapova, who has been playing excellently since returning from surgery. The tape is off her shoulder, and her serve is looking pretty fine. The big question is if she can go the distance - she completely ran out of steam in Paris.

Speaking of Sharapova, you know how when she plays it sounds like a small child is being systematically jabbed with sharpened sticks? It is also the sound I make going upstairs, but that's not to mask anything, it's just because I'm out of shape. Well, you and I aren't the only ones who hate it. Recently, billion-time champ Martina Navratilova spoke out against the trend of grunting and shrieking on the court, yelling, "I call it cheating and it's got to stop!" (Okay, she didn't yell it; she wrote it. And I added the exclamation point for extra emphasis. It's called dramatic license, people.)

The original Queen of Scream, Monica Seles. Ms. Seles is also the Queen of Eating Disorders and the Queen of Getting Stabbed.

Her theory, and I'll have to trust her on this one, is that the sound of the grunt/scream/screech covers the sound of the ball hitting the racket, making it more difficult to determine what the ball is going to do. In addition to this, she (correctly) believes that the screaming actually prevents viewers from tuning in and/or staying tuned. She has some other interesting things to say in her short diatribe here. Hopefully, the WTA will follow her admonishments and crack down, starting this very fortnight.

If your ears can stand it, stay tuned for the next two weeks. There's always drama at the All England Club, which is actually kind of weird because aren't the British known for their comedy?

The Winner Of My Discontent

noreply@blogger.com (ABBY L WILSON) — Thu, 18 Jun 2009 03:15:00 +0000

I'm back after an unannounced vacation of sorts, and I do believe that a few congratulations are in order. After all, this is the "championship season," at least according to NBC marketers.

So the Lakers won. I am not particularly pleased, as the title of this piece may suggest. I guess I can't say that I dislike all of the players on the team, but boy do I really dislike Kobe. He's a great player and all, but what a horrible person. And don't talk to me about how awesome and personable he was on the Redeem Team because as I have already written, I ain't buyin'. That said, congrats to the rest of the team and their fans. The big celebration parade that occurred on Wednesday was well attended - there were 2,000 cops alone and exponentially more civilians. I can only think of one thing that is less appealing than the combination of an immense traffic headache and Lakers fans, and that is the combination of an immense traffic headache and Celtix fans. But I'm not cynical.

Oh wait, yes I am. Allow me to point out the face that Kobe is wearing an (ugly) shirt with a giant hand that has four rings on the fingers, representing his four championships. A black shirt in fact. Considering the rest of the team was wearing white shirts that contained neither giant hands nor giant cartoon rings, I find Kobe to once again be an arrogant jerk, singling himself out and completely and unnecessarily elevating himself above his team. One day, though, I'll tell you how I really feel.

Not to be outdone, but certainly to be out-watched by the American public, the Pittsburgh Penguins won the Stanley Cup after stretching the series to a seventh game. I can confidently say they were my original pick to win, although I did abandon and reclaim them and re-abandon and then reclaim them several times. Pittsburgh has now claimed two championship titles in a row, having won the Superbowl only a few short months ago. Although I don't think the Pirates will make it a three-peat (and as a Reds fan I would obviously be actively rooting against that eventuality), very few cities can claim multiple winners in the same calendar year. Actually, I thought you might like to know exactly how many cities can act the braggart:

Year	City	Team 1	Team 2	Team 3
2004	Boston	Boston Red Sox (MLB)	New England Patriots (NFL)	-
2002	Los Angeles	Los Angeles Lakers (NBA)	Los Angeles Sparks (WNBA)	Los Angeles Galaxy (MLS)
2001	Los Angeles	Los Angeles Lakers (NBA)	Los Angeles Sparks (WNBA)	-
1998	Chicago	Chicago Bulls (NBA)	Chicago Fire (MLS)	-
1988	Los Angeles	Los Angeles Dodgers (MLB)	Los Angeles Lakers (NBA)	-
1979	Pittsburgh	Pittsburgh Pirates (MLB)	Pittsburgh Steelers (NFL)	-
1969	New York	New York Mets (MLB)	New York Jets (AFL)	-
1956	New York	New York Yankees (MLB)	New York Giants (NFL)	-
1952	Detroit	Detroit Lions (NFL)	Detroit Red Wings (NHL)	-
1938	New York	New York Yankees (MLB)	New York Giants (NFL)	-
1935	Detroit	Detroit Tigers (MLB)	Detroit Lions (NFL)	-
1933	New York	New York Giants (MLB)	New York Rangers (NHL)	-
1928	New York	New York Yankees (MLB)	New York Rangers (NHL)	-

Obviously Pittsburgh will be added to this very short list, so congrats to the Steel City. I think as a particularly pleasant cherry on top, The Economist has named Pittsburgh the No. 1 Most Livable City in the United States in 2009, and a rather impressive 29th Most Livable City worldwide. Good on ya, Pittsburgh.

This is a real picture from Mario Lemieux's pool party celebration at his mansion in Pittsburgh. The former Penguins hero and current owner and chairman of the board had everyone over to his colossal palace to...swim with the coveted trophy? I guess why not, right?

Man Your Stations

noreply@blogger.com (ABBY L WILSON) — Fri, 05 Jun 2009 18:42:00 +0000

I usually do a TV Pick of the Week in the right-hand column of The Sideliner. However, I wanted to take up regular ol' Sideliner space to highlight two big events that are happening this weekend that aren't the NHL or NBA Playoffs, because honestly I'm getting a bit bored with them.

Let's first tackle the Belmont Stakes, which is happening on Saturday. A while ago, I wrote about the Kentucky Derby winner Mine That Bird and the Preakness winner Rachel Alexandra, and how jockey Calvin Borel had ridden them both to victories and had the chance to win the Triple Crown. The question was, however, on which horse would he go for history to become the only jockey to win the Triple Crown on different horses? The decision was made for him, and much to my chagrin the owners of Rachel Alexandra have kept the filly out of the Belmont Stakes. This has left Mine That Bird open for Borel, and this already winning combination is currently the favorite. After a recent work out with the colt, Calvin hopped off and declared his horse would be victorious. Saturday, 5:30pm ET, ABC. (Pre-race at 5pm)

This finely bewhiskered youth is none other than August Belmont, namesake of the Belmont Stakes. This portrayal (which in my eyes looks like an old tyme police sketch) seems to say, "Yes, I have droopy eyes and a receding hairline, but doesn't my specifically manicured beard just draw your attention to my shapely chin?"

Okay, so on to the second must see this weekend - The French Open finals. Let's deal with the ladies first. My original pick went thusly: "My heart says Serena but my head says Safina." So far my head has been...well, head and shoulders above my heart, which is of course physiologically obvious but which is metaphorically a bit of a bummer. Safina will battle Serena-ouster Kuznetsova (boy howdy there are a lot of Russian tennis ladies) on Saturday for the chance to win her first major. Saturday, NBC, 9am ET.

Seriously, look at Safina's arms. The angle of this photo isn't doing anything to convince me that her head wasn't photoshopped on some he-man's body.

And now for the gents. In the semi-finals, Federer battled through five sets to defeat Juan Martin del Porto and head into his fourth consecutive final. Only this time he won't be facing the same opponent he's faced the last three years, the (former?) King of Clay, Rafael Nadal. Instead, he will be facing Robin Soderling, the No. 23 ranked player who took down Nadal several rounds ago. While I wouldn't mind seeing the underdog Soderling win, I would be very happy for Fed if he is able to finally capture his elusive missing Grand Slam title. Sunday, NBC, 9am ET. And by the way, trust me, East-Coasters, when I say that while it's awesome that both finals are live, it is not awesome that they start at 6am a-way out here, forcing the would be viewer to record the matches or wait for a re-airing, and then having to avoid any and all other programming lest the ever-running network tickers spoil it all anyway. I mean, for a hypothetical viewer.

Lords And Ladies Of The Court

noreply@blogger.com (ABBY L WILSON) — Mon, 01 Jun 2009 06:00:00 +0000

Okay, so forget the fact that I named the Cleveland Cavs and Rafael Nadal to be champions of their respective sports. King James and The King of Clay have conspired to make me a liar and a fool, but that's okay.

The Cavs melted down in spectacular fashion. I will chalk some of their loss up to the fact that they played basically the one team that they just don't match up well against. They never won in Orlando this year, and the Magic won more games in Cleveland than they lost. Orlando (the city, not the fictitious man who decided to never age and then fell asleep and woke up with a woman's body) has the type of perimeter game that Cleveland just couldn't defend, especially not when they doubled Dwight Howard. They looked incredibly sloppy for a team that looked so awesome on every night prior to last week, and they appeared to forget one very key principle of this or any sport - when projected, a ball will always move faster than a person can run. I will now officially be rooting for the Magic with all of my might.

In a move that makes him a bit unpopular with me, James did not shake any players' hands from the opposing team after his loss on Saturday. "It's not being a poor sport or anything like that. If somebody beats you up, you're not going to congratulate them." Um, I beg to differ, puppet-man. That is the exact definition of being a poor sport.

On the court of the clay variety, Nadal's loss against No. 25 Soderling was a big shocker for many reasons, obviously the first being his 32 game undefeated record at Roland Garros. The second would have to be the fact that as the defending champ he didn't even make it to the quarter-finals (neither did Ana Ivanovic on the women's side). The third is that he lost in four sets, and the one set he won went to a tie breaker. The kicker is that with this win over Nadal, Soderling, who is from Sweden, has protected his countryman's record. Bjorn Borg's four consecutive French Open titles would have been pushed out of the record books if Nadal could have secured the championship. But the good news is, Rafael Nadal is a champ of a person and gave a very humble and humorous interview, unlike LeBron who sulked for a few days before finally addressing his subjects. The other bit of good news is for Roger Federer, who now has a legitimate shot at completing his career Grand Slam and tying Sampras's 14 singles titles with both Nadal and Djokovic out of the way.

I realize that his shirt is a little askew on his body, but doesn't it look like his left arm is bulky and his right arm is strangely wimpy? I know he's left handed, but perhaps he should work on that right arm a bit more.

You know who isn't a champ of a person? Maria Jose Martinez Sanchez. I could probably add a few names in there and nobody would notice. Anyway, during the first set of her match against Serena Williams on Saturday (don't ask me which day or time it actually happened), Williams came up to the net to hit a cross-court slam but instead hit Martinez Sanchez who was also running up to the net. The ball whacked the Spaniard in the right arm, bounced onto her racket and then over the net. The umpire called the point for Martinez Sanchez which actually gave her the game, even though the rules of tennis state that if the ball touches a player the point is lost. A good sportsman would admit that this was indeed the case. Maria Jose Rodriguez Martinez Juan Castillo Sanchez did not.

In a rather impressive look into the future, sports-caster extraordinaire Mary Carillo predicted this image would be under Sunday's headlines. She said so immediately after Ms. Williams made a shot that was clearly impressive even to her. Ms. Carillo is impressive to me, as she has obtained a high level of two things that I do not possess: a knowledge of the sport and the ability to guess correctly.

Despite Serena's debate with the chair umpire, the Spaniard didn't pipe up and admit that she had been hit by the ball. In the end, all this served to do was make Serena mad, and you do not particularly want to play Angry Serena. She won the next two sets even after she weirdly starting choking for no reason during a change over, or as Mary Carillo referred to it, she "spit up." I had never before heard this term used outside of the realm of babies, which incidentally is part of my own royal title: Her Royal Majesty, Queen of the Realm of Babies.

Pitch Men

noreply@blogger.com (ABBY L WILSON) — Wed, 27 May 2009 23:00:00 +0000

I suppose congratulations are in order for FC Barcelona, the now reigning champions of...well, the aptly named Champions League. Barcelona won the match after 90 minutes of gameplay yielded two goals - one from Samuel Eto'o and one from das ausgezeichnet Argentinian Wunderkind Lionel Messi. By the way, that sentence not the first time German and The Argentine have held dirty, Nazi hands. Wait. Not that that sentence was meant to have anything to do with Nazis...whatever. You know what I mean. The point is, the señors from Spain beat down the men from Manchester, aka America's Team, but certainly not my team.

You might be surprised to find that you probably know one player from FC Barcelona - Theirry Henry. Remember those Gillette commercials with Roger Federer and Tiger Woods? Well, he's that other random black dude with the accent.

I have to say that although I don't care much for or about FC Barcelona, I am glad that if Chelsea was going to lose to someone (as they did), they may as well have lost to the champs.

Net Worth

noreply@blogger.com (ABBY L WILSON) — Wed, 27 May 2009 05:00:00 +0000

I hope you all had a wonderful Memorial Day. Did you remember what memorialized memories you were meant to be remembering? Good.

Did you also remember to watch the French Open kick off? I didn't! Well, I did, except I have no real concept of World Time and I forgot that our Sunday is actually France's Monday. But even though the festivities have already gotten underway, I just wanted to make a few predictions and throw out a few story lines to watch. Of course, by "watch" I mean "eventually hear about," because so far not a single network has shown a single match. The Tennis Channel has come close with some highlights, but not a peep about it over the holiday. Which, actually, I don't get - no one is working on Memorial Day. Everybody knows this. Why not switch up the TV schedule accordingly? Why should I be "forced" to watch Tyra and then three hours of People's Court and then a Cops marathon when I could be watching the top tennis stars mercilessly beat down the non-seeds? I'm talking to you, NBC.

Speaking of all things French, what do you think it says about us as people that this fat man in a maid's outfit was the third option when google-ing the word "french?" (FYI, the first picture is of a rather poorly computer-made graphic of the French flag, and the second is a painting of the French Revolution in which there are scantily clad dead people and small children brandishing guns. Surprisingly similar to modern day France, actually.)

Anywaaaaaaaay, here's the deal....

The draws have been quite kind to us this year, and have the promise of some awesome and very TV friendly match-ups (should we be allowed to see them). On the men's side, we have the always compelling battle between Nadal and Federer which has been made more interesting by Federer's recent win over the Spaniard on clay in Rome. A big confidence booster for Federer, but will it be enough?

With his first round win at Roland Garros, Nadal has passed Bjorn Borg's record of 28 consecutive wins at the major, and tied Chris Evert's record of 29 wins. (Editor's Note: Since I wrote this he has broken the record with 30 wins.) Perhaps even more impressive, Nadal is still undefeated for his entire career at the French Open. That's a lot of momemtum. Also, Federer will have to get past Novak Djokovic in order to make it to the final. If he does, both he and Rafael Nadal have something to play for besides the regular "I'm better, no I'm better" business. A win for Nadal will make him the only person to win five straight singles titles at the French Open. A win for Federer will complete his career Grand Slam. If they both make it to the finals, I don't think I can pick against The King of Clay.

Nadal vs. Borg in the battle of weird-faced, sweatbanded forehands.

With the women, there are a couple of story lines. Although I feel like a broken record, I'm going to have to start with the Williams sisters. Venus has never won the French Open, but she has been to the finals...where she lost to her sister. However, Serena, who's been on fire this year, is nursing a knee injury that has kept her out of play in the last few weeks and even forced her to retire from a recent tournament. But, like the guys, she's got something big to play for as well. Serena has won the last two majors - the US Open and the Australian Open (and appeared in the finals at Wimbledon). A win at the French Open would get her one step closer to a consecutive Grand Slam, which would actually be the second time she's done that, and also one stop closer to a real Grand Slam - winning all four majors in the same season.

Did you think I would miss another weird-faced sweatband wearer? You know so little about me.

However, Serena has got a very long way to go and a lot of big names to get through first, including No. 1 Dinara Safina and reigning champ Ana Ivanovic. Also don't count out Maria Sharapova, the former No. 1 who has been recuperating from shoulder surgery for the last nine months. Like Federer, Sharapova is missing only the French Open in her quest for a career Grand Slam. However, unlike Federer, she is an extreme long shot this year. Who am I picking? My heart says Serena but my head says Safina. And then my stomach says, "Don't you think that box of donuts looks good? Why don't you eat them all."

On His High Horse

noreply@blogger.com (ABBY L WILSON) — Wed, 20 May 2009 07:01:00 +0000

Congratulations to Calvin Borel and Rachel Alexandra!

Rachel Alexandra beats Mine That Bird by a length. The filly was so kind as to take a moment out of her very busy race to look right at camera for this picture. She's a people's horse. Actually, she really is, because the ratings for this year's Preakness was the highest in five years.

There has been so much craziness surrounding this year's Triple Crown, but since, like, ten people care about horse racing, you may not be aware. Here's the deal: Borel, who had won the Kentucky Oaks on Rachel Alexandra and the next day's Kentucky Derby on Mine That Bird (the seventh person to ever do that), made it very clear that he was a bigger fan of the filly, Rachel Alexandra, than the Derby winner Mine That Bird. Before he even won The Derby, he also stated that he wished he was riding Rachel Alexandra and that she was the best horse he had ever been on. The only reason Rachel Alexandra didn't race in the Derby is because her owner didn't think fillies (not the Phillies) should run with colts (not the Colts, although no word on whether the owner thinks the Phillies and the Colts could or should run together).

Then, after The Derby, Rachel Alexandra was sold for a silly amount of money to Jess Jackson, the very old and creepy-looking but possibly very nice owner of Curlin, the 2007 Preakness winner and otherwise big deal, with whom he intends to breed Rachel Alexandra to create a "superhorse." Also weird? Mine That Bird and Curlin had the same sire. So anyway, Jackson then entered Rachel Alexandra into The Preakness. Calvin Borel immediately switched his mount to the filly, leaving Mine That Bird open for jockey Mike Smith, who's girlfriend, incidentally, was the jockey that rode him in Canada. On Saturday, Rachel Alexandra beat out Mine That Bird to win The Preakness, becoming the first filly to win in 85 years, which is awesome. She was also the first horse in The Preakness to win from the last and 13th post.

But the weirdness doesn't stop there, because Mike Smith, the jockey who rode Mine That Bird into a place finish at The Preakness, cannot ride the horse in the third leg of the Triple Crown, The Belmont Stakes, because of a previous commitment to another horse. And Jess Jackson has not yet committed to whether or not Rachel Alexandra will run in the mile-and-a-half race.

So essentially, Calvin Borel, or as I have previously dubbed him, The Cryin' Cajun, will have his pick of horses for the Belmont. It's no secret he would choose Rachel Alexandra, but if she doesn't run will he go back to Mine That Bird? With wins at The Kentucky Derby and The Preakness, Borel has already become the first jockey to win the first two jewels of the Triple Crown on different mounts. No matter which horse he rides at The Belmont, he is one win away from becoming the first jockey to ever win the Triple Crown on different horses, which would be impressive, indeed.

This is a chart of brain activity while attempting to comprehend all of the twists and turns of American horse racing. Or at least other people's. My minimized brain capacity keeps me right around the first four boxes.

I'm sure The Belmont Stakes (Saturday June 6th) is psyched, or rather its organizers are psyched, that this race now has some relevance. Usually by this time of year the threat of a Triple Crown winner has been trampled underfoot by the hooves of so many thoroughbreds. I'm hoping that Borel wins, and I hope he does it riding Rachel Alexandra because girl power and all that jazz.

Around The World In Eight-y Ways

noreply@blogger.com (ABBY L WILSON) — Tue, 19 May 2009 05:15:00 +0000

Do you ever watch the news? You know how there are some days there is absolutely nothing to report and other days they can't fit it all in and then still other days they are drunk while reporting the death of hobos? This is one of those times that fall under the middle option, and I have a lot of ground to cover, so let me get right to it.

As the title might suggest, my post today will take the form of eight blurbs.

1. THE LAKERS

Well, the Lakers certainly did beat a team - at home - missing a majority of their key players and who had no centers. That's quite a feat. Let's just see how they fair against Denver. I believe I have rather clearly cemented in the minds of us all my poorly portending so take this as you will, but I'm predicting the Nuggets will be in the Finals. More rest, hotter streak.

2. THE CELTIX

Hahahahaha!

3. LA SOL

So as to not be a complete hypocrite regarding my former rants about women's soccer, I have put my money where my mouth is and have officially attended a professional women's soccer game. Of course, I didn't have to put a ton of money there, because the regularly priced $50 tickets only cost me $4.95. It was really fun, though, with a couple of good shots on goal, but I have to admit that the ladies seemed to poop out by about the 75th minute.

As you can see, not the fullest stadium I've ever been in.

4. ROGER FEDERER

He's not dead yet! In a welcome addition to the ongoing rivalry between himself and Rafael Nadal, Federer beat his Spanish foe in a recent tournament - on clay! Only the second time he's beaten Nadal on the surface and his first title of the season, this is a much needed confidence boost for the former No. 1. It also doesn't hurt that he ended Nadal's 33 win streak on clay. Perhaps they will meet up at Roland Garros? More on that to come since the French Open kicks off on Monday...

5. JELENA DOKIC

In other tennis news, remember Jelena Dokic from the Australian Open? If you don't, you might want to remind yourself about it here. There has been another chapter added to her saga, as her father was detained for allegedly threatening the Australian ambassador, apparently with a rocket. He was angry about an interview in which Dokic said he beat her. His response to this was to claim innocence and to become angry and threaten violence, as you do when attempting to clear your name of accusations of anger and violence. You might also add, "there is no child that was not beaten by parents - the same with Jelena." Because again, innocent.

6. MICHAEL PHELPS

Phelps is back in the pool after the completion of his suspension. Think about the lung capacity on that guy - he must get quite an Olympic-sized hit off his bong. But all that pot smoke evidently had little to no effect on his lungs, because Phelps performed well. He has unveiled a new stroke and a new strategy, the former looking very similar to what I would call "the windmill." The latter involves dropping his longer races and concentrating on shorter distances, sprints, and formerly un-Phelpsian areas such as the backstroke. Because he doesn't dominate quite enough.

As it is known in the Netherlands, "De Hollandsche Vindmeel" or "The Dutch Windmill" was named after the moves of the infamous Dutch pugilist Kaspar Van den Vindmeellen.

7. DAVID BECKHAM

Boy, that guy cannot get out of the United States fast enough (as predicted...) He wants to get back to AC Milan "as soon as possible," as he wants another go at winning the Champions League. I can't blame the man, and although I can certainly complain a little, who can stay mad at that face?

8. NFL ON TV

Two things here, both kind of exciting. First of all, it has been announced that my beloved Bengals are going to be featured on one of my favorite shows, Hard Knocks. I cannot explain to you how awesome this is and will not bother trying. Expect a few posts on as we head into the NFL preseason. Also, there has been an official switch with the much and exceedingly rightfully maligned Monday Night Football crew. Tony Kornheiser, who I love on PTI but who I don't love so much on MNF, has announced his departure from the show citing reasons having to do with his fear of flying. He will be replaced by Jon Gruden, which should be weird and...good? There will certainly be less inanity.

For the protection of Jaws and Mike "Baby Face" Tirico, Jon Gruden will be banned from bringing any sharp or blunt weaponry into the announcing booth. All of Mr. Gruden's ripped overalls will be provided by Brooks Brothers.

Seventh Heaven

noreply@blogger.com (ABBY L WILSON) — Fri, 15 May 2009 05:29:00 +0000

It's been a very competitive week in sports. Before the week is out there will have been five Game Sevens in both the NBA and NHL - Lakers vs. Rockets, Celtix vs. Magic, Penguins vs. Capitals, Bruins vs. Hurricanes, and Ducks vs. Redwings. Now that's what you call tight. I know, because I heard you.

Three of those five (the hockey games) have already been decided. Once again, I could not have been more wrong about my predictions and my re-pick to win it all, the Washington Capitals, lost to the Penguins, which were my original pick to win it all. Now I don't know who to root for. The Eastern Conference Finals will pit Pittsburgh against Carolina, and the Western Conference Final has Detroit playing Chicago. Anything seem odd about the second part of that sentence? How about the fact that Detroit and Chicago are in the Western Conference. I guess by "west" they mean "west of states that touch the Atlantic Ocean or any of it's sundry inlets," which is probably a pretty accurate description to how the East Coast thinks of the rest of the country anyway.

This is an actual map of the United States from a Massachusetts text book.

And now onto the NBA and the Game Sevens that have yet to be played. I have nothing to say about the Celtix series with Orlando that you haven't heard me say before, but I shall say it anyway: Boo hex Celtix! Moving on, I have to tell you, friends...the Lakers are in serious trouble. This series with the Rockets has exposed some rather sizable cracks in the facade.

Let's break it down. Houston is not a bad team, but they have been missing their two biggest players, Tracy McGrady and, beginning with the fourth game in this series, Yao Ming. So with these two starters out of the picture, the Rockets clobbered the Lakers in Game Four. This could have been because of two reasons: a) they got complacent and lazy and weren't expecting a tough game after it was announced Yao Ming was out for the season, or b) there was/is something fundamentally flawed with the way they are playing right now. The Lakers came back strong in Game Five, but their performance in Game Six really shows that they just aren't as good as we thought they were. They've all been playing extremely inconsistently, including Kobe Bryant, and they look overmatched against a team comprised mostly by bench players. Not that I'm complaining.

Right now the Rockets have nothing to lose and it's a one-and-done situation, so I'm very curious to see what happens. Even if the Lakers do what they are supposed to and eke one out at home, they would next have to face the Denver Nuggets, who are arguably the hottest team in the league right now. I cannot tell you how much I shall be rooting for the Mile High City.

Remember when a guy could wear tiny, tight shorts and a rainbow shirt and be considered extremely manly? I don't, because I was, like, five.

Great Minds Think Alike

noreply@blogger.com (ABBY L WILSON) — Fri, 08 May 2009 23:11:00 +0000

Recently I posted about how ridiculous the Yankees and their ticket prices are. As it turns out, somebody much, much funnier than me and has a job writing for The Onion had the same feeling.

Slashed Ticket Prices Allow Lesser Nobility To Attend Yankees Games

NEW YORK—Dukes, barons, viscounts, and earls are applauding the Yankees' recent decision to cut prices on dugout and foul-line field-level seats in half, from as much as $2,500 per game down to an amount the minor houses consider far more reasonable.

ENLARGE IMAGE

"Naturally I am quite pleased to attend my very first Yankees game, a spectacle that my merely adequate standing had until now denied me," said His Lordship the Duke-Chancellor of Arkengarth-upon-Settle, who often listens to Yankees games on satellite radio while tending to his 683-square-mile estate in Wales. "Until now, I have had to satisfy my sporting curiosity in less costly arenas, often hosting three-day fox hunts or airplane races upon the grounds of our family estate. But by mortgaging only half my landholdings, I am finally able to see the Yankees play the Red Sox."

"It is truly magnificent," said His Serenity the Archduke of Lesser Saxony, watching Joba Chamberlain struggle against energized Boston hitters. "Though the Duchess and I would often speak of seeing a Yankees game one day, somehow our ticket money was always being spent to build a cathedral or launch a fleet of ships. When we were given this opportunity, we thought, 'Well, what's one less cask of jewels in the treasury?'"

Though they are one of the most legendary teams in sports, the Yankees have often struggled with the perception among the landed gentry that they are unfriendly to those who fall beneath the rank of Prince-Consort, are further back than 15th in line to the throne, or cannot trace their lineage back to Queen Boudicca.

"They certainly are caught up in their history," said Her Preeminence the Contessa Lady Persephone-Fontlesbury du Wadicourt, whose 19-times-great uncle was given his lands, coat of arms, and title by King Philip VI for his role as a footman at the Battle of Crécy, and whose castle doubles as a national museum. "Witness the monument garden and those retired numbers. And the statuary! Really, it's all a bit ostentatious, if I'm honest."

Lady du Wadicourt's peers agreed. "I know that part of what I'm paying for is the Yankee mystique, but seriously, even at half-off, this is a bit ridiculous," said Raja Nuur Perak Ismaramudsa, who by tradition is descended from the ancient god of fire whose ribs formed the Indonesian islands that he governs from an alabaster and onyx palace. "There's a limit to how much your mythology lets you ask of a person, and the Yankees are really pushing it."

"Especially with A-Rod and [Jorge] Posada on the DL," the Raja added. "Between the ticket prices and the awful baseball, I'm surprised these peasants don't take up arms and overthrow the front office."

Yankees management would not comment on the price cuts, but said it was glad to see people in the seats even if they were in fact merely lesser nobility.

"The Yankees, much like the city they play in, have never cared about the size of your fortune, so long as you have one," said Hal Steinbrenner, the team's managing general partner. "Sure, we'd prefer to have the Queen Herself in the dugout seats, but if that's not possible, we'll take whoever we can get until the economy gets back on its feet."

Her Britannic Majesty the Queen of England Elizabeth II, Duchess of Lancaster and of Normandy, Lord High Commander of the United Kingdom and Defender of the Faith, has not held Yankees tickets since the spring of 1982, when they were sold to pay for the Falklands War.

And Another One Gone

noreply@blogger.com (ABBY L WILSON) — Thu, 07 May 2009 17:06:00 +0000

Remember all that "Manny From Heaven" business? Well, never mind.

The breaking news in the sports world today is that Manny Ramirez has tested positive for a performance enhancing substance and has been suspended 50 games beginning today. It is unclear what the substance of choice was, but it was illegal regardless.

This is very bad news for the Dodgers, who have the best record in baseball right now and yesterday secured a historic 13-0 home record. It will be interesting to see what happens to the team right now. Luckily, they have Joe Torre at the helm, and he's no stranger to these types of situations and spotlights.

This latest disgrace to baseball is particularly shocking, because Manny had been given a pass, so to speak, as essentially being a natural hitting freak instead of a suspected steroid user. He has never been linked to any real steroid talk (except by the apparent prophet Jose Conseco), and he's such a likable character. But in immediate hindsight, I think there were clues, and I'm not talking about stats.

Why did Boston dump Manny so hastily? Why wouldn't any team touch Manny with a ten foot pole throughout the off-season? Maybe the Dodgers suspected (not knew; I don't think they knew until last night or this morning, or they wouldn't have done the whole Mannywood thing) and figured they'd take a chance and see how it turned out. Maybe Manny wouldn't have gotten tested, maybe he wouldn't test positive. What substance was it? Ramirez claims it was a prescription that he and his doctor were unaware were on the list of banned substances. Do we all buy that? I wonder how popular Mannywood tickets will be now.

I am personally disappointed, because I like(ed?) Manny, as you probably have recently read here on The Sideliner. That's the second big blow to me, because Roger Clemens was my favorite as a kid. At this point baseball has more black eyes then a battered women's shelter. At least this time they gave it to themselves before someone else could do it.

Manny will be eligible to return on July 3, less than two weeks before the All-Star break.

Pro Et Contra III: The Alien Wars

noreply@blogger.com (ABBY L WILSON) — Tue, 05 May 2009 21:00:00 +0000

A few pros and cons, and I'm not talking about professionals and convicts, although I am talking about sports and so technically there are plenty of both of those things to be found and some athletes that are actually both of those things at the same time. But I digress.

THE KENTUCKY DERBY

PRO: An underdog won the Kentucky Derby! At 50-1, I made a whole lot of money on good ol' Mine That Bird and the Cryin' Cajun™, jockey Calvin Borel. Also a pro? They didn't have to kill another horse as it lay snorting and sweating and whinnying in the dirt, racked with intense pain. I guess the Polo Pony Massacre of '09 was sufficient in meeting the dead horse quota for the year. CON: Unfortunately, all that money I made is only imaginary, as I did not bet. Even even if I had, though, I certainly wouldn't have bet on Mine That Bird. But retroactively I have imaginary millions and shall spend accordingly.

Camera's over here, bro.

THE BOSTON CELTIX

(I'm going to have to assume they want an "x" in their name, like in all Boston sports names, such as the Red Sox and the Patriox.)

PRO: Hmmm....very little. I suppose they did advance after their close bout with the up-and-coming Chicago Bulls. But barely. A pro for me is that they lost their first game of this series with the Orlando Magic. At home, heh heh heh. CON: The Boston Celtix.

DALLAS COWBOYS

PRO: There were only 12 people injured in the collapsing of the roof of one of their practice facilities this weekend and no fatalities. CON: Their negligence in having the building inspected after it was re-roofed last year cost one of their employees very dearly. Rich Behm, the 33-year old scouting assistant, is now paralyzed from the waist down. Perhaps a bit of a bummer pro/con, so read on...

HOUSTON ROCKETS

PRO: It looked like Yao Ming seriously hurt his giant Chinese knee, but he toughed it out and was key in the final minutes to achieve a personally (to me, not Yao, although probably him, too) pleasurable Game 1 win over the Lakers in LA. CON: No cons here, really, except I guess technically Ron Artest, but only in the truest sense of the word because actually he was really awesome last night against the Lakers.

Did You Know? Yao has many talents off the court as well as on. Pictured here: Yao Ming's appearance on Dawson's Creek.

MVP LEBRON JAMES

PRO: There are two pros here: Bron Bron winning and perhaps more importantly, my prediction of the same. CON: I'd say that it could possibly be distracting for him and/or the Cavs as they start their second round series against the Atlanta Hawks, but I honestly don't believe it will be. The other con is that every time anyone says "MVP" I anticipate a Mario Van Peebles sighting and am severely disappointed.

PENGUINS vs CAPITALS

PRO: What an awesome matchup: Sid the Kid vs Alex the Great. The two biggest stars in hockey going head to head. Last night's matchup did not dissappoint, with both Crosby and Ovechkin scoring hat tricks. The Capitals were able to come out on top with a final score of 4-3 and a 2-0 lead in the series. CON: I believe my lack of hockey knowledge has already blown my Stanley Cup predictions into tiny, delicious bite-sized pieces which I have gobbled up, a dish I call Humble Pie. Seeing as that is the case, I am really rooting for the Washington Capitals from here on out. Go Caps! (Note: I do not know if they are called the Caps but if they don't, they should.)

Manny From Heaven

noreply@blogger.com (ABBY L WILSON) — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 22:01:00 +0000

I know. I've been gone a long time. But it's because I've been very busy watching all of these playoff games and baseball games and soccer games or matches or whatever they're called. Oh, and working and sleeping and plenty of eating.

There are a lot of amazing things that have happened since last we talked. The Bulls have become awesome, the Capitals, down three games to one, have mounted a very exciting and winning comeback, and my precious, precious Chelsea have been so good that only one home game stands between them and the Champions League finals.

But as interesting as all of those things are, there have been a few items of late that have caught my attention(s), and they're pretty much all baseball related.

First, I love Manny Ramirez. He's very good (obviously), he's hilarious, and his name is the pet-name of a gender. Plus, he has three sons, naturally two of which are named Manny. Amazing. The Dodgers like him, too, and have instituted a new stadium tradition in his honor. Starting tonight two field level sections out in left where Manny is located are now officially "Mannywood." For $99, the number on Manny's back, you get two tickets and a Mannywood t-shirt. I think that's fun, and also exploiting something that is worth exploiting. It seems like I've said the word "Manny" a lot in this paragraph. Manny.

The name Manny reminds me of the manniest man of all, Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris once played Russian roulette with a fully loaded gun and won. Also, there is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. Only another fist.

Shifting gears only slightly, how 'bout them Yankees? As Dodger Stadium has made purchasing outfield seats more appealing, so have the Yankees made thier seats more appealing. After surprisingly low numbers of attendance, the management has lowered ticket prices. Sounds really nice, doesn't it? Well, it is if you are one of the 100 people who this affects. The premium seats that were selling for $2500 a pop (that's per game), of which there are only 100 and of those only 40-50 unsold, are now slightly more "managable."

I am not a communist; not all seats are worth the same amount, and if you have the money and want to spend it at Yankee Stadium, more power to you. But it seems very seedy of the Yankees to chop the prices of an extremely tiny amount of seats meant for the wealthiest folks, and yet keep the regular ticket prices the same. You know, for the other 52,225 people at the game. Especially those middle range tickets being purchased by former ticket holders who can't afford to formally hold tickets any longer.

How the hoi polloi can afford to watch a Yankees game: perched so high that field binocs are required. Word of advice to the man on the right - you might want to take those caps off, buddy.

I guess it's all about impressions, because wouldn't you know it? All of those discounted seats are right where the camera can see. So, for the same price that Dodger fans will pay for two tickets and a festive t-shirts proclaiming, "Yo estuve en Mannywood!" ("I was in Mannwood!"), Yankees fans can sit by themselves and watch a man who has now rounded out all of the ways in which a human being can cheat, their steroid-taking, pitch-tipping, adulterer of a third baseman.