Abe and Ivy

Enough of that!

Sorry I took over our space dear ones of mine. I know you both know we've all been through a lot of changes recently, but I don't want you to ever feel that you are less than normal, that you are missing anything, or that you must achieve some status to be worthy. I also need you to remember this: just as in the beautiful world around us, change is hard, beautiful and trans-formative.

So, here you can see how we've changed and grown- all of us. This space is about us. I want pictures of you, of these days, of our moments together. I want to document all of our blessings so that we can always share them. You two mean the world to me.

Abe, I can't believe how well you are reading. Mrs. White had a special reading group set up just for you. I'm so sorry to take you out of another school. Well, it's not that I'm sorry to take you out of school, but to have given it to you and then taken it away. I know when you look at me with those eyes that you understand. You could never possibly fathom how incredible you are. The perfect balance of mature and silly. Sweet and protective. And so damned wise. But then today, when we were playing soccer and you got upset, and hid, and cried...the way you still come to me and let me pick you up and hold you, it melts me, sweet boy. I have asked you for help when it was not your job to help. You seem to know my heart in a way that no one else does. Love you.

Ivy, sweet girl. I worry about you always. Always worrying. That I haven't read to you enough. That I'm not a girly enough mother for you. That your voice won't be heard. And I realize now, that the best thing for me to do is to not worry- because I don't have to. I needn't worry because you will, in fact, read one day. I needn't worry about not being girly enough for you, because you remind me of all the lovely feminine things about myself and how important it is to support however you feel in your body. I love that you bring this out in me and help balance my tomboyishness. I needn't worry that your voice won't be heard because the truth is, anyone who is worth paying your attention will hear you and your beautiful brilliance without any effort. You are perhaps the gentlest creature I've ever come across. Please remember this, for it is the only way you should permit yourself to be treated by anyone. Ever. Such a caring spirit, to see you with animals, my dear.. I can't wait to give you chickens, just a few more months! Love you my sweet.

Joint Wednesday Thursday.

noreply@blogger.com (Kelli!) — Fri, 01 Jul 2011 04:20:00 +0000

Blogger crapped out last night in the middle of trying to post so I will add on to what I had on my good and bad, and then continue on after that.

Continuing.

Good:
29th
Hung bike
Made 'peg board'
Grocery store
Met with a friend
Avoided a place I needed to avoid
30th
Swimming lessons
Played polo with the kids
Met with Rev
Organized sewing stuff
Cleaned and cleaned and cleaned
Sight-read some old sheet music

Bad:
29th
Ate too much
Thought too much about how I ate too much
Didn't play the piano
30th
Ate too much
In my head too much

The tool cabinet:

I have had this project in my head for a very long time and am so stoked that it finally happened. I also learned something today: cable cutters are not the same as wire cutters. Waiting for neighbor to let me borrow his pair so I can make the last two cuts and it will be finished! Well, until I get the painting behind it started. Then it will be really finished. Can't wait for that to happen, and luckily my roommate is far more visually artistic than I and has volunteered her skills to help me out with that project.

The other project is also very exciting for me. I have been wanting to anally organize my sewing stuff for a long time now and kept trying to envision it. I knew there had to be some sort of peg board or holder for my spools of thread. The more I thought about it though, the less I wanted a standard peg board and the more I wanted to use something different. My sweet boy saved my some little branches from the tree we lost and, poof, the idea came to me. I think I've probably got the coolest 'peg board' ever.

Scored majorly on my last hike. Found this sign just lying in the weeds.

Now I'm in real time.

Last night I had the best gabbing session with a friend. It just blows me away how much I've grown and how I really am smart and can get along well with really smart people- people who used to intimidate the crap out of me. Now I see we're all the same. And she's so very lovely.

Swimming lessons are going amazingly well. I love to see the progress, not just from Tuesday to Thursday, but from turn to turn. My sweet boy being so brave even though I know he's truly terrified- battling his overwhelming instincts every second. I cannot wait to see him carelessly cannonball into a pool. And I also love seeing the difference between the two of them. Ivy is absolutely and totally comfortable in the water. Swimming longer and farther each try- head all the way under, kicking and kicking. Completely care-free. She and I need a sail boat in a serious kind of way. Truly two fish out of water. Abe can guard the treehouse on dry land and make sure it stays kept up for us while his girls are out to sea. :]

I finished organizing the rest of the sewing stuff tonight and have started on the cutest project ever. I can't wait to work on it some more. It involves an ear-less bunny who loves carrots. Oh. Thank you to Ivy for the artwork and inspiration.

I had a really good chat with my reverend today. She is so impressed with my progress and thinks I'm a totally rad person. She keeps telling me how incredible I am- so very self-aware and self-reflective, smart, talented, etc. She actually seems in awe when she says these things too, not just compliments meant to boost me. I'm a little dumbfounded that someone with a doctorate thinks of me that way.

Now I get to the real trouble. What's really been on my mind for about a day and a half now. I can deal with: run-ins here and geographical coincidences there; navigating my community in a way that protects me and my new-found boundaries; freaky yoga instructor flukes; waiting for something to pop up to take the place of old playdates. But. I'm struggling with magic. In a big way. I had given up on the idea. Completely. And to be honest, I didn't want any part of that anymore. I could rationalize it all out as coincidence because of similar interests and plain and simple geographical location. As far as I'm concerned, the Universe might not keep us apart, but I sure can. But then. Then yesterday. I randomly decided to visit an old website I hadn't visited in many, many months. And it was. It was magic. Too magic. Too magic for me to deny the magic. I kind of hate it. And yet I also can't help but giggle. The same day? The same fucking topic? Good god, there were even two the first day. How? Coincidence? Really? How can I deny it now? Especially when I want to deny it. I want to be apart from it. Maybe if I sit with it for a few days I can convince my brain that it is still, and nothing more than, just coincidence.

Freaky. Weird. Fluky. Magic. Too magic. Too magic to deny?

That doesn't really cover all the jumbled thoughts in my head. I could surely ramble on and on about it for multiple nonsensical run-on paragraphs. All I know is that I can't dwell on it or I will get hooked back in, and that's the last thing I need right now. The very last. So magic or not, I will try to not decide which it is and, rather, just know that it is- whatever it is.

Whew.

Throw a bucket of water on me,

noreply@blogger.com (Kelli!) — Thu, 30 Jun 2011 02:45:00 +0000

and call me the Wicked Witch.

Genuine smiles.

Being silly.

Ay.

Oh my goodness, because I'm melting.

The sap its blood.

noreply@blogger.com (Kelli!) — Wed, 29 Jun 2011 06:58:00 +0000

Needing to catch up.

It has been a rocky few days. I realize that when I don't write every day, I get jumbled and forgetful.

Woke up to the sound of chainsaws the other morning. I knew it was coming, but still, not a fun way to wake up. I can't believe it is gone. And I had to watch it and hear it. It was awful. It affected me far more than I thought it would. So sad. You're supposed to hug them and climb them not cut them down :[ and now our view is. different.

I can't really remember what happened every day so I'll just do today for the good/bad list:

Good:
Organized tool cabinet
Finished more polo mallets
Green drink for breakfast
Swimming lessons for kids
Skyped with mom
Wished ex Happy Birthday

Bad:
So many sweet potato fries. yum
Dwelled on things I can't change
Had less patience for my kids than they had for me

The cabinet looks amazing. I can actually use it and find everything I need. Made more mallets and mounted hooks for them. Next project is hanging my bike. Then organizing sewing stuff and crafting cabinet. Also need to fix shelves in kids' room.

Speaking of mallets. Kathy and I found kids sized ski-poles at a garage sale and now my kids are even cooler than me. And so damned freaking cute. Ivy skuuting around and Abe riding with one hand, all of us hitting the ball together. Oh my god. I think we are probably the coolest family ever. Thanks to Abe for catching me in a track stand...

The kids had a blast at swimming lessons. I have had to dip into my savings a little bit, but I really don't see that it's an option. We have been going to the beach a LOT lately, and with it being just the three of us most of the time, I have to know that they can be semi-ok in the water. They have been getting so very brave and I need a little security. And someone else to teach them. And the instructor is perfect. Especially for Abe as he is much more nervous than Ivy. I remember I used to have to put goggles on him in the shower as a toddler to rinse his hair. He just has a very strong instinct to keep water off of his face. But he did so so good, and the teacher was totally into his needs. Ivy is pure fish. Head all the way under no problem, grinning from ear to ear. I'm so relieved that this is happening, no matter the cost.

We went to the beach yesterday and I got beaten up. The waves were huge and unpredictable, and I ate sand several times on the body board. But so damned fun. Worth the bloody sand-scraped thighs. Any day. Which reminds me that I totally scored on a kids size 14 wetsuit for $10 at Goodwill (along with the pair of ski poles that are now mallets). I'm going to make a point of getting in the water and swimming everytime we go to the beach, no matter how cold. It's just a feeling. I need to practice doing that. Feeling.

After the beach I had a rehearsal with Ben and it again went amazingly awesome. We have such similar goals and interests. What blows me away though, is how much he digs my music, and how much I dig his music, and that they are happening at the same time. If that makes any sense. He's incredible. I would buy his album in a heartbeat. And he feels the same about me! It's insanity. We have our(my!) first paid gig on Sunday at a local farmer's market and I'm so stoked.

Kathy brought up some bamboo from her yard (along with the hacksaw and drill bits for mallet-making), so I can start working on my next project...embroidered clocks. I can't wait. I also can't wait to knit this: http://www.ravelry.com/patterns/library/velo-cycling-sweater I have no idea how I'm going to afford yarn for that. But I will make this. I will. It will be incredible.

My new roommate is great. She works. Cleans. Plays with the kids- and genuinely, truly enjoys it. And is great company before bed. It's nice to have someone to talk to about my day. Also, she thinks I'm swell and a good singer so bonus points for her. If only I were attracted to her and could feel anything, she'd be a great girlfriend.

Talking with my mom was good. It looks like she's put on a lot of weight, but I just have to remember that it's her life and her struggle and I have to let go of worrying about that. She loves my kids so damned much and they love her back and they chatted and chatted while I got some things done around the apartment. I did have to catch her up on what's been going on with me, which is never as pleasant to have to dredge up, but it's important to keep her from worrying or I get annoyed. Plus I suppose it's just not nice to worry your mom.

A phone call with a friend today really tripped me out. There was good news and bad news and it was mostly all just weird information to have to deal with. I think the best part was knowing I'm missed and not hated and forgotten. I don't want to think about the worst parts. A real bummer is losing a group of friends/routine for me and the kids. But. I know something better will come along. I know some magical thing will come up on Wednesdays to make up for this loss. Damnit. I don't want to think about this topic anymore. I know I will dwell on it enough once in bed before I fall asleep.

Ethan's birthday today. Weird. he's out of town on business and it's just weird. I'm sad for him. I think it's the first time he's been without a homemade birthday cake, and he's sick, and he's alone. But once again, not my life. I'm just cleaning my side of the street. We did talk finances a little bit, and I'm feeling a little more at ease about making rent. This also means that it has been 2 years since I sang The Luckiest at my fellowship. And a few weeks ago marks 5 years since I moved to California, and right around here is 4 years since my life changed forever under a tree. fuck

I find it interesting that the last few videos I've posted here, I had no intention of keeping or sharing. It's strange, but after hearing them a few times, I start to like them and their imperfections. I just record them to see what they sound like, and I end up liking them. The same is true for this song. I had no intention of posting this and at the time I always think that I can do so much better, but there's something so real about the way they've been turning out, that I like this one-take thing; it's very Kelli.

I've been rocking the hair-behind-the-ears look for a few days now. People are responding well to it, even me. I feel some days like a fat gross slob(which I see my daughter pick up on, and I constantly work on my body image, for at least her sake) and other times I feel like some kind of dream girl. I'm trying really hard to let go of a lot all at once, but being paranoid about my ears and chubbo face is not something I have the patience for when my heart is in a bajillion pieces. My sternum has actually been popping for weeks. (Literally broken-hearted.) I blame being in the fetal position for a very long time for that. It is NOT a good feeling, the sternum-popping. Just awful. And the sound it makes is so icky. I have faith(wow, I can't believe I started a sentence like that) that one day it will not feel as though someone very large with brass knuckles on has punched me square in the chest.

Anyway. I think I've caught up with myself pretty well here. I need to get to some meetings this week and I also need to get some sleep.

I can't believe I get to wake up to something so beautiful almost every morning:

And this girl too. My one true soulmate, what would I do without her?:

No post.

noreply@blogger.com (Kelli!) — Fri, 24 Jun 2011 19:03:00 +0000

Last night I was too wrapped up in this to even handle anything:

(whispered in my ear)
I hope you find more hope- Abe

Literally left me speechless.

Legos everywhere.

noreply@blogger.com (Kelli!) — Thu, 23 Jun 2011 06:16:00 +0000

In tradition-

Good:
Meeting
Avoided a place I needed to avoid
Rode my bike
Cleaned apartment
Milkshakes and pier
Found lots of patience for Abe and his anger

Bad:
Milkshake
Dwelled on the past
Smoked the hookah (doesn't feel bad right now!)

The place? The park where we saved each other's sons' lives. Fuck that.

Feeling very blessed for a new friend in my life. Loves my kids.

Feeling so unbelievably, on-the-floor thankful for Megan. Thank you thank you 'god' for Megan. All my love to her at this moment for understanding and supporting my craziness and helping me and my crazy brain to heal.

Feeling humbled by my own imperfection, and proud of my honesty for showing and admitting my mistakes as a musician:

I love my kids so damned much. I constantly feel unworthy of their love and forgiveness. And yet they still continue to love me no matter what. I'm so fucking lucky to have them.

Salad. Ice cream truck.

noreply@blogger.com (Kelli!) — Wed, 22 Jun 2011 05:45:00 +0000

Ok. To go along with the goal I started yesterday, I shall now list the good and bad.

Good:
Went to the grocery store
Read books with Abe and Ivy
Was brave and met new people
Brought a salad there
Talked to IRS

Bad:
Compared new people to old people
Ate too much
Not enough patience
Felt dead inside

Feeling dead inside is not new. Nor do I believe it's something I can really control at this point in the grieving process. Still. I miss so many moments and opportunities for joy with my sweet ones merely because I don't see them- too busy not feeling anything. How do I make myself feel again? The only solutions I seem to come up with are: drinking (don't do that anymore); smoking anything(don't do that anymore); eating chocolate or quesadillas and/or starving myself on green smoothies and almonds. Why is it that my first instinct to fill this hole is with things that are bad for me. It's not for attention- there's no one there to see or notice. Why can't I just want to sew things or read a book? Why can't I want to do things that make me feel good. I mostly still only want to disappear.

It's hard to be around people. Especially new people. Especially when you think there is an opportunity for friendship and it doesn't turn out the way you're hoping. Took the kids to a birthday party of a friend of mine and wow. what a stress. The new friend has feelings for me, but I only like her as a friend and am tired of being in this position- wanting to keep the friendship but not wanting to hurt anyone. The friend's friend who was hosting had a little boy. Hope here for a friendship with another single mom..until she takes him in the other room and spanks him. Fail and fail. I'm beginning to think I'm not entitled to any sort of relationship, not even a friendship.

And all of this of course is a constant reminder of what I've lost. I had the best example and influence and now I can't stand to be around anyone with my kids. No one seems to know quite like Voldemortette how to talk to and treat children- especially mine. How fucking sad. It's impossible to be around anyone else as they just drive me crazy or don't understand.

But then again, these new people, while not perfect parental figures, probably would never abandon me so I guess it's an even trade...? I think the difference is that they don't know any better. When you Know, you're supposed to do fucking better. Who the fuck knows.

A playdate tomorrow with another potential friend. When telling my kids who it was going to be, I totally started to say someone else's name, and I was just like. Fuck. Where did that come from. Wrong name guys, sorry. They laughed. They still don't quite get it. Hoping this other single mom turns out friendlier than the last.

Thanking another angel today for some info/warning of a place to avoid. Believe in the miracles of sobriety, Kelli. Don't give up.

I'm actually curious what becomes of the broken-hearted. So far, I'm not a fan. Dead inside sucks.

I kind of just want to scream.

Make them smile. Make them laugh. That's your only job. Can you just do one thing right tomorrow and see them?

An idea.

noreply@blogger.com (Kelli!) — Tue, 21 Jun 2011 05:03:00 +0000

I think each day I'll try to post things I think I did well as well as things of which I am not as proud. Daily reflection sort of thing. The next day do more of the good things and fewer of the bad things, etc.

Good:
Went to a meeting
Had the thought 'it can start over at anytime of my choosing'
Confronted a place I've been avoiding
Recognized when I was out of control and took a different direction

Not so good:
Breakfast out
Lunch out(paid by someone else, still not ok)
Dinner out(paid by someone else, still not ok)
Ate too much
Lost/didn't have to begin with any patience with Abe and Ivy too many times

One thing I love about the groups I'm attending is the demand for brutal honesty- with oneself and with others. And the demand to promptly admit when we are wrong. It's scary, but worth it. I've found in trying to better myself that I attract good things my way. So I will keep going, for their sake.

The rehearsal last night was fantastic. The two of us are now officially a band and should have a few gigs coming up. Very exciting.

The first (and now only) JS of mine and I had a lovely conversation this morning. I am so lucky to know that man. One of those rare few trustworthy's. One of those rare few I-can-trust-you-with-anything's. I am so, so lucky to know that man. I think I said that. He sounded heartbroken when I told him I no longer believed in love. I didn't expect that reaction and didn't know what to say. He assured me I will feel that way about someone else again. I want to vomit at the thought. 'God' save me from that stupidity forevermore. I like to think of romantic love as society-glorified instincts, and nothing else. Bullshit. Stupid fucking 'love' and it's horribleness. fuck it

I thought a lot today at the beach with my kids. They were collecting air bladders from a brown alga and calling it money. Then all sorts of lovely poetic lines came to mind but of course I didn't write them down. Maybe I will dream them tonight. Anything but another restless night of nightmares. The other night it was about an 'ex', last night, that I had used. These dreams can stop at any time, really. They're ruining my favorite time of day- the time when I can just pass out from pure emotional exhaustion and not have to think until I wake.

Some pictures from our day. Forced to confront a place. But it was just a place. Just a place. Also, took the kiddos to a hill in North Park to watch the big planes come in. I feel like I almost felt something. Almost. Let's not get carried away.

This is a reminder to future Kelli when she rereads this: take them to the beach. All day. Every day. They don't fight. They don't nag or abuse you. You get sunshine and fresh air. Be sure to invest in expensive sunscreen. Make them sunhats. Thrift store for wetshirts.

Tomorrow will be another day. Someday I won't dread that thought. This is such hard fucking work.

I should be napping.

noreply@blogger.com (Kelli!) — Mon, 20 Jun 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Last night I was supposed to do something incredible. But 'god' sent me an angel, warning me of the dangers of attending this amazing event. I made yet another brave choice and decided to follow 'god's' signs. Instead I did something even more incredible: I went on a hike to a 100ft waterfall with a swimming hole. There were jumps and a rope swing and I cannot wait to go back. It was exactly what I needed to do right that very moment, for I would not have gotten out of the original planned experience what I needed and deserved had I gone.

I haven't blogged in a long time. I see it more as a journal now. And I feel like blogging, amongst my circle of acquaintances, is no longer trendy so hopefully no one will even notice. I do wonder, though, if old subscriptions will inform certain people that I am writing here again. If that's the case I can only hope they make their presence known or delete the subscription. But how would I know anyway, so I'll just write.

I said earlier that I was taking it one day at a time, but most days I feel that it is more like one moment at a time. One step at a time. Abe and Ivy are currently with their father for the afternoon. I have a rehearsal to go to in Carlsbad and then will pick them back up for bedtime.

I tried to run away from my whole life. I knew deep down the pain would follow me. And it did. I found everything I was looking for and more. And what did I do? I came right back. It wasn't right. Not the right time for that life. I knew I had to come back and give them stability, and thank 'god' I did when I did because he threatened to take them away. He no longer supported my grieving, and so with that threat I had my rock bottom. No more running away(for real this time), no more alcohol, no more pot, nothing. Thank 'god' for Kris and Kathy and Bill W. and Beth and Megan and even the people who hurt me to get me that low in the first place. I know now that I let myself get that low. No more.

I did the scariest thing I could think of. I walked away. From everything. I took my family camping, looking for a new life, never to come back. Bears. Mountain Lions. Strange mountain folk. I knew I was risking everything. But I realized up in the mountains that I actually hadn't done the scariest thing I could think of: live the starving artists life. With all that I'd lost, I realized that I had one thing that no one could take-or even threaten to take- away from me: I can sing. I don't know why. I don't know what to do with it. I wish I didn't. But at this point, I have absolutely nothing to hide. Nothing. NOTHING. So that is what I will do. That is what I will be. Me. I will be a nobody in a fast food restaurant that sings sad love songs for a pittance.

I thought the nightmares were done for a while. Last night, even though it was awesome and all about 'me', proved me wrong. I maybe got 4 hours of sleep; an unfortunate change from the last few weeks of solid 8 hour nights. But I got in an early run and a climb on one of my favorite trees in Vista, free breakfast at the hotel my ex is staying in and a morning at the fellowship. The kiddos and I played and I made a shoddy recording of my newest song. I hope the nightmares go back into recession.

Two bikes. A longboard. A film camera. All stolen. So, switching back to digital- thank 'god' I kept my D90. Must have pictures of the children. Must integrate back into society even a little bit. Back to the stolen things, I've decided that I am faaaar too trusting. I don't know if that's my midwestern upbringing, my personality, or a bit of both. But it's my new truth: Trust No One. Not even myself. I've given all my decision making power over to my friends of Bill W., my reverend, and my 'higher power', 'god'. I clearly have no idea what to do in any given situation, and made a complete wreck of my old life. Once you've hit rock bottom you have no where to go but up, but I don't trust myself to use the right map, or climb the right ladder or anything really. So, with a new chance and a clean slate, there's no way I'm going to let myself mess up this new life. I can no longer trust myself in anyway. I make decisions about nothing other than absolute essentials, and those decisions I make immediately and move on.

'God' release me from the bondage of self.

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.
The courage to change the things I can.
And the wisdom to know the fucking difference.

Thank you for this moment. This day. My children.

if you miss me i demand to know

Well then.

noreply@blogger.com (Kelli!) — Sun, 19 Jun 2011 15:26:00 +0000

I think this blog is supposed to be about mothering my two children. Well, what I've discovered in my blogging hiatus is, well, let's just say a lot has been discovered. For me, I now know, that to be a well rounded mother, one must also be a well rounded individual. There must be worth in your life as Just Plain Human as well as Mother. So while the blog is entitled after my children, it is also about me and my struggles and triumphs as Kelli, not just Mommy. Because eventually Abe and Ivy will have roles other than son and daughter; they too are individuals and I must lead by example.

Ivy is 4 now. Abe 6 next month. In the last year I have lost three of the most important adults in my life; a husband, a best friend, a soulmate.

I struggle. But am living. One day at a time.

On the floor of a hotel waiting for my children to wake up, my son arises and with the waking of my daughter we will be on our way to fellowship and this day will begin.

It will be bedtime soon enough. I hope one day bedtime is not the first thing I wish for each morning.

More to come, the boy is up.

Ivy is 2 now.

noreply@blogger.com (Kelli!) — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 09:08:00 +0000

I'm so lucky to have two healthy children. It seems I've heard a lot of stories lately about families who go through astoundingly difficult situations with their children, and I just feel so lucky that my baby girl is safe and healthy. And two years old.

Happy birthday sweet girl, Love, Ivah, Efau, Aye-Aye, Baby, Ibee, Ivy Kathryn- Mama loves you so much. And Brother and Daddy do, too.

Sorry this is way picture heavy. These are some of my favorites in the last month or so.

One for now, 'mo' to come.

noreply@blogger.com (Kelli!) — Sat, 07 Feb 2009 09:37:00 +0000

That was a bit of a hiatus.

noreply@blogger.com (Kelli!) — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 05:52:00 +0000

So. What's been going on here. Ethan is back from Iraq and we are all back together in California. Yes. Good times to be had. Maybe all families will get to celebrate soon. Let's see it happen, Mr. Change.

Abe turned 3. He's so old.

Ivy can say vulva.

Ethan will graduate in May. (good month)

I am busy trying to decide what to make everyone for xmas and actually making those things.

I volunteered with the No on 8 campaign and then my heart was broken a little bit when people were legislated as second-class citizens. What does my marriage even mean if not all people are entitled to its equivalent? Who knows. Someday. It'll come.

The last few weeks I have been totally inspired and have written like 3 songs out of nowhere. Why is that phenomenon fleeting? Annoying. I should be ready for an album in about 35 years. Disgusting.

I finally started getting off my fat butt and exercising-

I think I'm the only one up at this hour- at least the only one up and running. I'm thrilled to be wearing a sweatshirt and to see something other than blue in the sky. When I see the fog, I wonder if this is how it will be when I'm running a year from now? Death Cab in my ears and coming down the hill, I see I'm not the only one up; I say good morning to a man watering his plants. I turn down a road and beneath my feet the pavement turns to dirt. I'm just noticing the white trunks of the eucalyptus trees to my left when a drop of water falls on the top of my head. Looking up, I see that the tree whose trunk I was just admiring, decides I better take note of the rest of its beauty as well. The branches and leaves are so high up, they're swirling in the fog- one trying to envelop the other and I wonder if it's a battle? Maybe even a prideful one? No, I decide, just trees and fog. The trees are out of sight now and the dirt is once again asphalt. I run back up the hill. Now I am in the fog, and it is surely more a battle for me than it was for the trees.

Mother's Day

noreply@blogger.com (Kelli!) — Sat, 10 May 2008 04:45:00 +0000

Do you know what it's really about?

Mothers Day Proclamation - 1870

by Julia Ward Howe

Arise then...women of this day!
Arise, all women who have hearts!
Whether your baptism be of water or of tears!
Say firmly:

"We will not have questions answered by irrelevant agencies,
Our husbands will not come to us, reeking with carnage,
For caresses and applause.

Our sons shall not be taken from us to unlearn
All that we have been able to teach them of charity, mercy and patience.

We, the women of one country,
Will be too tender of those of another country
To allow our sons to be trained to injure theirs."

From the voice of a devastated Earth a voice goes up with
Our own. It says: "Disarm! Disarm!

The sword of murder is not the balance of justice."
Blood does not wipe our dishonor,
Nor violence indicate possession.

As men have often forsaken the plough and the anvil
At the summons of war,
Let women now leave all that may be left of home
For a great and earnest day of counsel.

Let them meet first, as women, to bewail and commemorate the dead.
Let them solemnly take counsel with each other as to the means
Whereby the great human family can live in peace...
Each bearing after his own time the sacred impress, not of Caesar,
But of God –

In the name of womanhood and humanity, I earnestly ask
That a general congress of women without limit of nationality,
May be appointed and held at someplace deemed most convenient
And the earliest period consistent with its objects,
To promote the alliance of the different nationalities,
The amicable settlement of international questions,
The great and general interests of peace.

Tornadoes and a bear sling. And some laundry.

noreply@blogger.com (Kelli!) — Sat, 10 May 2008 04:11:00 +0000

Three sirens in one night! The wall cloud that ended up destroying 100+ homes about 20 miles NE of us, went right over our house. Things kept drooping and coming down, but no rotation. It was very dark and scary looking, and Mom and I just kept waiting for something to happen, but alas, it never did. Not where we could see it anyway. Here's a picture from that day- I took this in the Hen House parking lot.

Abe wearing his bear.

Playing in the laundry.

Look at that belly!

And a hot air balloon flew right over our house- not the same day as the tornadoes.

Abe really wanted to go in it. The people could hear us yelling 'hi' and he kept asking them to stop and wait for him and he nearly ran off after them .

And a visit to the boys' house. I won't post too many pictures from that visit so that no one's Mother's Day surprise is ruined.

Eli, Abe and Preston.

I think this one looks like he's standing next to the Eiffel Tower.

Ivy loves her swing. Loves it as much as she loves me, apparently, since she usually only sleeps in a carrier during the day (still).

I painted a chalkboard for Abe. He's really in to letters these days.

Can't stop making baby carriers.

The dress.

noreply@blogger.com (Kelli!) — Sat, 10 May 2008 03:52:00 +0000

My mom found an estate sale that labeled itself 'full of crafts'- so we went. Lots of fabric scraps and remnants, pretty overpriced, but a large box of ziptop gallon bags full of polyester 5"x5" squares caught my eye. I picked out 4 of these bags in the colors I liked at $2 each and thought I was getting off pretty good. The lady wanted to know if I wanted it all- she would make me a really good deal. I said 'how good?' And I ended up getting about 35 bags stuffed with these squares in all colors and prints for $10. Since I was willing to pay $8 for 4, I feel like fared pretty well.

It was kind of strange because the night before my mom told me about the sale, I had found and fallen head over heels for this. So the very next night, I made my own version using my new squares. I didn't have a bodice pattern handy, and I was too lazy to find one, and this was kind of a test to see how it went, so I just used elastic at the top and little ribbons for temporary straps.

Here it is! Picture heavy as always, but you should have come to expect that from my blogging by now.

Ok, so you can't really see the dress in this one, but she is wearing it, and I couldn't resist sharing The Cheeks.

New profile. Sorry, knitting.

noreply@blogger.com (Kelli!) — Sun, 27 Apr 2008 05:23:00 +0000

Here are a few brief examples of our parenting ideas stated in my updated profile.

Ancient cave people example: Would you leave your baby on the far other side of the cave, where a tiger or other predator might get him- not to mention the elements- so that he could learn 'self-soothing?' Or independence? Where he might cry and scream from loneliness, and possibly attract predators to your cave?

No. Pretty sure that baby would be snuggled right up next to you nursing all night- nice and cozy and safe. We wouldn't have evolved if we hadn't co-slept.

Island example: How long would you breastfeed your baby if you lived on an island where you and your partner had never been in contact with other humans? You go through this whole pregnancy thing, child-birth thing, and then you figure out (after picking up in your arms this screaming thing that just came out of you) that you are to nourish your baby with your breasts- how long do you do it? Never heard of Nestle, never seen or even thought of a bottle, never visited a pediatrician and read a parenting magazine both telling you to introduce solids at 4-6 months of age, never been told that breasts were for sex, never been told anything about anything about breastfeeding- you only know what you know, and that's that your baby/toddler/child needs you and your breasts and your breastmilk.

How long do you do it? Only until you leave the hospital- no hospital. 6 weeks- don't have to go back to work. 6 months- no doctor or family members telling you to introduce rice cereal (no rice cereal! Oh the horror!*) 1 year- no pediatric standards. 2 years- no weirded-out on-lookers. 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 years- no horrified, disbelieving, shocked, disgusted on-lookers.

How long would you do it?

You don't know unless you try to take all of those things mentioned out of the picture. And that's what we're trying to do. Living on our island.

Without rice cereal.

*Can you imagine being on your tropical island with trees full of avocados and bananas and pineapples and...plastic-wrapped cardboard boxes filled with highly processed... rice cereal? What is the point of that?!

Just for Jennifer

noreply@blogger.com (Kelli!) — Fri, 25 Apr 2008 06:08:00 +0000

I'm so sleepy, but I must add a few pictures while I can. I swear- I'm getting better at this updating thing..the weather has just been so beautiful!

Selfish artsy picture.

Bad representation of the newest carrier I made myself.

Rescuing worms.

Abe 'photo shoot'

Stupid camera strap.

And an old one of Ivy just because this post was a little Ivy-lacking.

I wonder what it's like to be good at blogging?

: ]

noreply@blogger.com (Kelli!) — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 06:19:00 +0000

I know a lot of other people have posted this on their blogs, but for those of you that read mine and don't read 'theirs', enjoy!

Oh, xanga.

noreply@blogger.com (Kelli!) — Sat, 05 Apr 2008 04:55:00 +0000

Just digging through some of my old xanga posts- man was I an extreme idiot. And not that long ago... Well, now I've got my own two idiots to look after. And oh, how adorable my idiots are.

Our week went by really quickly. It helped that we actually got out and did things. We went to storytime on Tuesday and Wednesday at two different libraries, and on Thursday we went to Science City at Union Sation where we met up with my AP cousin, Jamie, and her two little ones. That was a lot of fun, and, of course, how great to have an AP family member!

What else.

Oh yes. I made vegan pizzas the other night. They were surprisingly delicious since they were made sans recipe. Sliced sourdough with leftover spag sauce, cauliflower, carrots, olives and red onions. A little olive oil and oregano, and into a hot oven for some random amount of time which I can't recall. Ivy thoroughly enjoyed it, and although Abe was tentative at first, you can see by the sauce on his face that he eventually caved- it was the olives. I could get the boy to do anything for olives. Not that I do that sort of thing.

My most prized possession. I suppose that means more than it normally would since I don't really value 'stuff.'
Kind of random, I know. But that's kind of how my life is.

Except not 'kind of.'