• What do you feel when you’re not judging yourself?
• If a certain word isn’t landing—change your language.
• Think about Future You—tomorrow morning, rushing to get out the door. What’s one thing you can do tonight for Future You that offers a sense of relief or acknowledgment?
• If others don’t respect your boundaries, stop trying to force them. What do you actually have control over?
• Focus on what you have—not what you don’t.
• If you’re going to create elaborate negative scenarios, at least be fair and create a few positive ones too.
• You may not get the result you want. But you can handle that. Don’t let fear of failure distract you from giving your best.
• Anxiety feeds on attention.
• How can we make this easier?
• You are not responsible for their emotions.
• I don’t believe in magic wands. What I do believe: nothing is stronger than human grit and resilience—the fight within us to navigate the dark.
• This is real, and it’s very scary. And you’re not alone. You have support surrounding you, every step of the way.
• This challenge or disruption could be a pivotal moment for you. How can you respond to it with excitement about the new possibilities ahead?
• Look inward for answers instead of outward.
• I’m going to make this more complicated by taking away some time in your schedule. It’s time to get creative.
• If we can’t let go and accept that the past is unchangeable, we’ll never be able to create change in the present.
• We get to choose: to focus on the hypothetical “what ifs” or to focus on what is right now.
• I really believe in myself.
• What if the very thing you’re seeking is the thing keeping you stuck?

And some insights from my children and husband. If you know them, you’ve likely heard them numerous times.I hope they bring a smile or a new perspective to your day, just as they do to mine.  

• My husband: Work Hard. Be Kind. [he has a sign on his desk with these words and uses them to anchor how he approaches business and life]
• My son, 10 years old: Keep your head up. [started in basketball as a reminder to himself and then expanded to general life]
• My daughter, 6 years old: I’m strong. I’m brave. I can do this. [these phrases became her battle song as she navigates life after experiencing anaphylactic shock 18 months ago]

Take one line that resonates with you and hold on to it this week. See how it shows up in your life and the thoughts that bubble to the surface.

This coming week I’ll be sharing details about a free live webinar I’m hosting in early October. I’m pouring everything into it and hope to provide support to as many people as I can. Stay tuned for more info!

Take good care of yourself,
Dr. Carolyn

The post Want to See Inside My Notebook? appeared first on Carolyn Rubenstein PhD.

But what does that really mean? It means you aren’t defined by the tasks you complete, by the emotions of others, by a number on the scale, or by the bags under your eyes. It’s a message of self-acceptance, a reminder that you, just as you are, are worthy.

And yet, even when we say it and believe it wholeheartedly, there’s still a truth we can’t escape: there will always be people for whom we are not enough.

Recognizing the Cost of Overextending Yourself This pressure to conform to others’ expectations can eat away at our sense of self-worth. You might find yourself saying “yes” when you really want to say “no,” all because you don’t want to let someone down. You may drop everything to help a friend, take on extra tasks at work, or overextend yourself in relationships—all in an effort to be “good enough” for those around you.But here’s the catch: no matter how much you give or how hard you try, you’ll never be enough for everyone. And the more you chase this unattainable standard, the more drained, unfulfilled, and disconnected from yourself you’ll feel. Over time, trying to meet everyone else’s expectations can lead to burnout, resentment, and a growing sense of inadequacy.I’ve been there, and I know the toll it can take. We give and give, hoping that by being “good enough” for others, we’ll finally feel good enough for ourselves—but it never works that way.

Facing the Reality: You Won’t Be Enough for Everyone

Not long ago, I caught myself falling back into that old pattern. There were projects to complete, friends who needed support, and clients who wanted more of my time. I felt the weight of all these demands, and despite knowing better, I found myself trying to meet everyone’s expectations.

I silenced my inner voice that said, This isn’t sustainable. I convinced myself it was just easier to say yes than to deal with the discomfort of letting people down. But deep down, I knew I wasn’t doing myself any favors.

That’s when I decided to sit with this feeling and really explore it. What would happen if I stopped trying to be enough for everyone? What would it look like to let go of the need to meet others’ expectations?

Finding Freedom in Letting Go of External Validation

The answer changed everything for me. I realized that not being enough for some people was actually a gift. It was a way to clarify who and what really matters in my life.

Accepting that I won’t be enough for everyone brought me a sense of peace I hadn’t expected. It didn’t diminish my sense of self-worth; in fact, it strengthened it. I became more grounded in who I am, and I stopped chasing external validation. I let go of the need to please everyone and found freedom in being enough for myself.

This shift allowed me to invest more deeply in the relationships that truly matter—the ones where I’m valued for who I am, not for what I can do. And for the first time in a long time, I felt truly liberated.

The Power of Being Enough for Yourself

Now, I want to invite you to do the same. What would it look like if you stopped trying to be enough for everyone? How would your life change if you released the need to meet others’ expectations and instead embraced the fact that you are enough as you are?

I’m not asking you to drop all your responsibilities or to stop caring for others. But I am encouraging you to reflect on where you might be giving more than you need to—where you’re trying to be “good enough” for others at the expense of your own well-being.

It’s time to let go of the pressure to please everyone and focus on being enough for yourself. When you do, you’ll find that the people who matter will love you not for what you can do, but for who you are.

Your Challenge: Release the Pressure and Embrace Your Enoughness

So, here’s my challenge for you this week:

Take a moment to reflect on where in your life you’re overextending yourself to meet someone else’s definition of “good enough.” Write down those situations, and then ask yourself: Is this truly serving me?

From there, make a conscious decision to let go—just a little bit. Say no where you need to, and remind yourself that it’s okay to not be enough for everyone.

And for those people for whom you are enough? Be all in. Give them your best self, but from a place of wholeness, not depletion. You are enough, exactly as you are.

Take good care of yourself,

Dr. Carolyn

The post When You’re Not Enough for Some People appeared first on Carolyn Rubenstein PhD.

As a psychologist, the language I use with clients is one of my most valuable tools. Recently, while reflecting on areas for growth, I discovered something unexpected about the way I have been communicating more recently—specifically, my frequent use of the phrase “I think.”

On the surface, it seems harmless, maybe even polite. But as I started to dig deeper, I realized that “I think” wasn’t just softening my statements; it was also subtly undermining my own confidence and clarity. 

This got me thinking: How often do we all use phrases like “I think” or “I feel” to hedge our words? Whether at work, in personal relationships, or even in our self-talk, this small habit can have a surprisingly big impact on how we communicate—and how we see ourselves.

The psychology behind language habits like this is fascinating. We often say “I think” to soften a statement, especially when we want to be polite or open to others’ perspectives. But when used too often, these phrases can communicate hesitation or insecurity. Instead of fostering collaboration, we may inadvertently signal to others that we’re unsure, even when we aren’t.

For example, I began to question what “I think” was communicating to my clients. Was it suggesting that my thoughts were more important than theirs? Or that I might judge them if they didn’t agree with me? This wasn’t what I intended at all—in therapy, the goal is to create connection, not disconnection.

But what really caught my attention was the impact this phrase was having on me. By frequently saying “I think,” I was unintentionally signaling to myself that I didn’t fully trust my own expertise. Even though I’ve grown tremendously as a clinician, I was still using the language of uncertainty. It became clear that this wasn’t just about my clients—it was about me, too.

So, how do we shift this?

 The first step is becoming aware of how often we use phrases like “I think.” 

 The second step is to start using them more intentionally. “I think” isn’t always bad—in fact, it can be useful when we genuinely want to express uncertainty or invite collaboration. But when we use it as a habit, it can dilute our message and our confidence.

Here’s a strategy I found helpful: Instead of using “I think,” I began reframing my statements to be more direct and open. For instance, instead of saying, “I think this might be a more comfortable distraction than the discomfort of the other situation,” I could say, “I’m curious… Situation Y is causing distress, while Situation A is also distressing but familiar, could it be a safer focus for you than Y?“

This shift from “I think” to curiosity doesn’t just change the language—it changes the entire dynamic of the conversation. Without hedging my words, I create space for curiosity and collaboration, inviting the client to explore without feeling pressured to agree or disagree with me.

The Impact of Small Shifts

The impact of this small shift in language has been profound. In my professional life, I noticed that when I stopped relying on “I think,” my clients responded with more openness and engagement. I wasn’t just speaking more confidently—I was fostering a deeper, more collaborative relationship with them.

And it wasn’t just in therapy sessions where this change mattered. In my own self-talk, I started to notice the difference. By consciously choosing to reframe my language, I began trusting my own voice more. Over time, I found that I wasn’t just improving my communication—I was also strengthening my own sense of self-confidence.

When we stop hedging with phrases like “I think” and start owning our words, we open up new possibilities for connection, clarity, and growth. The transformation isn’t just in how others respond to us—it’s in how we relate to ourselves.

Making Shifts in Your Life

So, how can you make this shift in your own life? Start by noticing how often you use “I think” or similar phrases in your conversations—whether at work, with family, or even in your inner dialogue. Ask yourself: Is this phrase serving a purpose here, or am I using it out of habit?

If you find yourself hedging, try rephrasing. Instead of saying, “I think this might be a good idea,” try, “This could be a great option to consider.” Or, if you’re inviting collaboration, you might say, “I’m curious about your thoughts on this.” These small shifts can help you communicate with more confidence and intention.

Take Action
This week, I challenge you to experiment with your language. When you notice yourself saying “I think,” pause for a moment. Is it necessary? If not, try rephrasing and see how it feels. Pay attention to how these changes affect both your communication with others and your own sense of confidence.

I’d love to hear about your experience with this! Feel free to reply to this email or share your thoughts on Instagram (you can tag me @carolynrubensteinphd). Let’s explore how these small language shifts can lead to big changes.

Take good care of yourself,
Dr. Carolyn

The post Reclaim the Power of Your Words appeared first on Carolyn Rubenstein PhD.

Uncertainty can feel heavy, and reaching out for advice can provide immediate relief. But relying solely on others’ opinions can sometimes cloud our own judgment. I’ve noticed certain patterns in how people approach uncertainty and advice.

Consider this: Often, we seek advice not necessarily to gain new insights, but to find comfort and reduce our immediate discomfort. In doing so, we might prioritize easing our fears over making decisions that truly align with our needs and values. These patterns can lead us to rely on external input at the expense of our own inner wisdom.

As I reflected on these patterns, I realized the importance of first exploring our uncertainties before seeking external input. When we jump straight to asking others, we might miss valuable insights from within ourselves.

Explore the uncertainty before reaching out—gather your internal information:

Pause and Reflect: When you feel uncertain, take a moment to examine the feeling before reaching out. Ask yourself:

• Why am I feeling uncertain? What’s triggering this unease?
• What specifically am I unsure about? Is it a difficult conversation, a decision, or a fear of unknown outcomes?
• What type of support do I truly need? Am I looking for someone to help me process my emotions or someone to offer solutions?

Be Clear About Your Needs:

When you do seek advice, be clear about what you need—whether it’s emotional support or actionable solutions. And carefully consider who you’re asking. Are they someone with relevant experience or someone who understands your situation well enough to provide meaningful input?

Treat Advice as Data, Not Gospel:

If you’re seeking solutions, view the advice you receive as data points rather than definitive answers. Process this information internally and weigh it against your own knowledge and intuition. Missteps often happen when we follow advice blindly, especially when it misses key aspects of our situation.

I’ve noticed common patterns in how people approach uncertainty and advice, often driven by underlying emotional needs and fears.  

• Seeking comforting advice to reduce fear, rather than addressing the underlying issue.
• Asking for solutions when what’s really needed is emotional support.
• Trusting others’ opinions over your own inner voice, even when it’s sending warning signals.
• Repeatedly seeking advice due to fear of facing the worst-case scenario, leading to inaction.
• Not learning from past experiences—failing to recognize which advice has been helpful and which hasn’t.

Most importantly, I often hear, “I give the best advice to others but can’t seem to do the same for myself.” This is a faulty belief. You can give yourself incredible advice—advice that’s fueled by your own emotions, knowledge, and intuition. You just need to trust yourself enough to follow it.

Take Action

As you go through your day, actively reflect on how advice comes into play. Notice when you’re tempted to seek advice and consider whether you’ve first explored the situation on your own. When you do seek advice, approach it with clarity—know what you need, and treat the input you receive as one piece of a larger puzzle.

I challenge you to gather this information as data to help you with future situations. No one has everything figured out, but by turning inward and trusting yourself more, you can develop an expertise in your real self—something no one else can do for you. And you deserve that expertise.

Take good care of yourself,
Dr. Carolyn

The post Before You Seek Advice, Consider This appeared first on Carolyn Rubenstein PhD.

The plane, which was buzzing with excitement, quickly turned tense. Passengers grew anxious, especially the couple behind us, who were on the brink of missing a long-awaited family cruise. I could feel the stress and frustration building around us.

My son, though calm at first, began to grow restless as time dragged on. The couple behind us was visibly distressed—the husband was fixated on the idea that they would miss their cruise, while the wife tried in vain to reassure him. Their anxiety was palpable, and I felt compelled to do something to ease the tension.

I stood up with my son and started a conversation to help him process the situation.

Here’s how it went:

My Son [A]: “When are we going to get off? It’s been forever and I’m not going to be able to see everyone like we planned.”

Me [C]: “If you look outside, it’s stormy out, so I think that means we’ll get off when the storm passes, and everyone is safe to move around inside and outside. Storms can be so unpredictable here. I get that you’re frustrated—you’ve been anticipating this day all summer! But there are always things we can’t control—like the weather.”

A: “I wish we could control it.”

C: “I know, me too. But what can we control?”

A: “I guess what I’m doing now—I can message my friends and let them know our plans may change.”

C: “That’s smart. And then when we know more, we can let them know.”

A: “Exactly.”

C: “It’s still frustrating, but for now, let’s focus on letting this be and not getting more upset because that won’t change the weather. We could focus on everything that could’ve been different—what if we took an earlier flight or had landed a few minutes earlier—but that doesn’t feel very good.”

I had hoped our calm, logical conversation might have a ripple effect on the couple behind us, and it did. The wife shifted her approach, moving from reassurance to acceptance. She stopped trying to calm her husband by saying they might still make the cruise. Instead, she acknowledged the reality—they might miss it, and that was okay. This shift allowed them both to be present and handle the situation together, rather than fighting against what they couldn’t control.

After what felt like an eternity (reality: 2 hours), we were finally allowed to deplane. As it turned out, about 25% of the passengers were going on the same cruise, and the ship had waited for them. The couple wasn’t alone in their struggle, and their worst fears didn’t materialize. 

The lesson was clear: Catastrophic thinking only made the situation worse, while acceptance provided the most relief in a challenging situation.

This experience reinforced some important strategies that I use both as a psychologist and in my own life:

Co-regulation: the process by which one person’s calm and steady demeanor can help soothe and regulate the emotions of others around them.

On the plane, when I stood up and began calmly speaking to my son, I wasn’t just helping him manage his anxiety—I was also providing a model of calm behavior that others, like the couple behind us, could attune to.

Acceptance: acknowledging and embracing the reality of circumstances that are beyond our control, rather than resisting or fighting against them.

On the plane, when the couple behind us initially struggled with the possibility of missing their cruise, they were caught in a cycle of frustration and anxiety, focusing on what could have been different. Acceptance came into play when the wife shifted her approach. Instead of continuing to reassure her husband that they might still make the cruise, she acknowledged the reality: they were likely going to miss it, and there was nothing they could do to change that. This shift allowed them both to stop fighting the situation and start dealing with it in a more constructive way.

Control: the actions, thoughts, and responses we can consciously choose, even when we are faced with circumstances that we cannot change.

On the plane, while we couldn’t control the weather, the timing of the flight, or the delay itself, we still had control over our reactions and how we managed the situation emotionally.

Support: offering emotional and psychological comfort through presence and understanding, rather than trying to solve the problem or make the discomfort go away. It’s about being there for someone as they face their reality, helping them feel less alone, and providing a steady, calm presence that can help them regulate their emotions and reactions.

As you navigate your own challenges, especially those beyond your control, remember these strategies. Next time you find yourself in a stressful situation, try to identify what you can control and practice acceptance for what you cannot. Take a moment to notice how this shift in approach impacts not just your experience, but those around you as well.

Take Action

This week, actively reflect on a situation where you felt stressed or frustrated by something out of your control. What was your initial reaction? Now, think about how you could have responded differently by focusing on what you could control and accepting what you couldn’t.

I challenge you to put this into practice: the next time you encounter a similar situation, consciously choose to shift your focus. Notice how this change impacts your mindset and the situation as a whole. Take a moment to write down your reflections and any insights you gain. If you feel inspired, I’d love to hear about your experience—reply to this email and share how actively choosing acceptance made a difference for you.

Take good care of yourself,
Dr. Carolyn

The post Acceptance in the Face of Uncertainty appeared first on Carolyn Rubenstein PhD.

However, I’ve realized that people digest information differently based on their unique circumstances. The best strategies mean nothing if they feel overwhelming or irrelevant. This has driven me to explore how I can best support people in achieving growth and change, especially those who aren’t in my office.

When I do AMAs on Instagram, I take time (maybe too much ) to reply thoughtfully. I try to think through multiple lenses to share in a way that feels empowering rather than paralyzing. I often write more than one slide, even though it’s not great for the algorithm, because there are no simple answers to very human struggles.

So why am I sharing this?

Because I want to empower you to ask questions not just to others, but to yourself. As cliché as it sounds, you are the expert on you.

There are a few underlying messages in the question, “What are your strategies or tips?” that need to be explored:

The belief that someone else knows best. Regardless of degrees, years in practice, or success rates, no one truly knows best across the board.

A request for a prescriptive solution. The question often seeks a specific, “best” solution, which can be disempowering.

Instead of just following strategies or tips, I encourage you to explore your own needs and circumstances. Here are some practical steps to consider:

Ask yourself relevant questions.

… Is this advice relevant to me? What other factors should I consider?

… Simply take out a piece of paper and write—see what comes up when you look towards yourself for the path forward.

Evaluate feasibility.

… Is this strategy practical for me? How can I make it easier to apply in my life?

… Consider how this strategy will work on your toughest days.

Define desired outcomes.

… What is the outcome I’m hoping for?

… How will I measure progress? How will I know when I’ve reached it?

Check-in with yourself.

… How can I set up a way to check in with myself regularly to assess progress?

… Consider how you will manage setbacks and use information to help you adjust your strategy.

Plan for alternatives.

… How can I support myself if I don’t reach the desired outcome – or the strategy doesn’t work for me?

… What are alternative paths I could take? This allows for flexibility as you put strategies into practice.

My Experience

When I began refining the tools and strategies in my Beyond Burnout Workbook (full workbook and more launching soon), I noticed that while the workbook contains all the “best” strategies – success differs based on how individuals adjust the strategies to their individual lives. By focusing on empowering self-inquiry and personal relevance, I’ve seen clients and students experience lasting change.

I want to invite you to try this approach. Next time you’re looking for strategies or tips, start by asking yourself these questions. Write down your thoughts and see where your own expertise leads you.

Feel free to share your experiences and questions with me by replying to this letter. I’m here to support you on this journey, but remember, the most important expert in your life is you.

All my love,

Dr. Carolyn

The post Why Strategies and Tips Aren’t Working for You appeared first on Carolyn Rubenstein PhD.

I focused on what I could change or fix. I was excited to fold his clothes neatly, organize his knickknacks, and “momify” his bunk for the remaining three weeks. I wanted to make things better and easier for him—or so I thought.

Then the camp director sent a letter to parents that felt like it was written directly for me. It completely shifted my perspective.

He shared a story about his wife organizing their son’s bunk on visiting day. She took all his clothes out of his cubby to organize, fold and put them back neatly. After she finished, she asked her son what he thought. He replied, “That’s not my cubby.”

The director highlighted the importance of celebrating the child’s accomplishments rather than focusing on the little things we, as parents, might want to fix.

I took away numerous insights from this story and reflected on them in my journal. These questions resonated deeply with me as both a parent and a human:

• When we focus on messes, what is motivating this focus?
• What if messes were not messes but simply a different way of doing things?
• When do we let go enough to see beyond the mess?
• How would I feel if there were no messes to deal with?
• Am I focusing on my own cubby or someone else’s?
• Is there anything to celebrate in someone else’s cubby? If so, highlight it.
• When I enter with the intention of fixing or changing things, how does that impact my experience and the experience of others?
• When I let go and simply show up for “what is,” how does that shift my experience and the experience of others?
• Looking at my own cubby, what can I celebrate for myself? Can I resist the urge to change things in my own cubby and simply celebrate? If not, what is holding me back?

Now as I write this letter, visiting day has passed and nothing has been touched or reorganized in my son’s bunk or cubby. Instead, I told him how proud I was of him for positioning his reading light to read at night, for making his bed cozy, and for taking such good care of himself. I loved seeing the rips in his photo book from looking at it so much. There were so many artifacts with stories attached to them, and all I had to do was listen.

Fixing messes or reorganizing things would have made me feel useful and needed—but it would have been for me, not him. Instead, I leaned into his world and let him show me how to navigate. I left that day in awe of him and his growth away from home—something truly to be celebrated.

Taking Action

My mindset has shifted significantly since then. As I go through my day, I look for moments to celebrate or highlight for myself. I do this for my daughter after camp too—instead of focusing on spills on her shirt, I ask about her day at camp. The stories and lessons can be found within the spills and messes if we are patient enough to let go of a fixer mentality and make space for the glimmers, the ordinary sparkling moments, the life being lived.

At the end of the day, instead of a list of things to do or fix, I focus on the moments to highlight from the day—what I hope to savor. I put these highlights into a mental cubby that I can open anytime as a reminder that within the mess, there is so much to be celebrated.

Your Turn: I encourage you to find the “messy gold” in your own life or someone close to you. Take a moment to celebrate the beauty within the chaos and the growth that comes from it. Share these insights with them, or reply to this email and share with me.

Let’s celebrate the ordinary, sparkling moments together.

All my love,
Dr. Carolyn

The post There is Gold in Each Messy Piece of Your Story appeared first on Carolyn Rubenstein PhD.

The thing is, I love the things I’m doing. My work as a psychologist is my North Star, and I love creating resources for this community. I can spend hours finding the “perfect” tool based on the latest research for a guide. However, passion and enjoyment come with a cost. They require mental, physical, and emotional energy. It’s easy to forget this when you’re engrossed in something you love.

Over time, this constant engagement without boundaries takes a toll. You might feel more fatigued, less creative, and increasingly resentful of the work you once adored. This slow build can eventually lead to burnout, even when doing what you love.

Personal Commitment

I’m reestablishing internal boundaries – boundaries I have with myself. I love timers and use them constantly to keep me on task, but I notice that I will just hit start again until forced to end. So, no more.

A couple of weeks ago, I started using an online app to keep track of how I spend my time during the day. I’ve been using the free version of Clockify (no affiliation), and it’s been enlightening. For example, while writing this letter, I hit start on a project I created called “letter writing.” Then I hit stop when done. At the end of the week, I can see how much time I truly spent on different projects/tasks each day—no more walking blindly.

When emotion drives our decisions, we become reactive and often face negative consequences. It’s crucial for logic and emotion to guide our choices. Last week, I spent 2.5 hours writing letter no. 23—1 hour on Tuesday and 1.5 hours on Thursday. This data helps me plan better, ensuring I enjoy writing without feeling exhausted from striving for perfection.

Establishing Boundaries

Managing your time is within your control (even if you feel it isn’t). There are aspects you can control, and that’s where you need to focus.

Steps for managing your time with the stuff you enjoy doing:

• Define limits (time, where): Set clear boundaries for when and where you work on tasks. This helps to prevent work from spilling into personal time.
• Follow the limits (no snooze or saying “just this one time”): Stick to the boundaries you’ve set. It’s easy to make exceptions, but these can quickly become habits.
• Use it to help you refuel for less enjoyable tasks: Be strategic about when you do tasks you love to recharge and prepare for less enjoyable ones.
• Accept that you can’t do it all and can’t create more time: Acknowledge your limitations and work within them. This acceptance is crucial for maintaining your well-being.

Taking Action

Reflect on how you manage your passion and work. Are you setting realistic boundaries? Are you allowing yourself to rest and recharge?

Take Action: Use tools like timers and time-tracking apps to understand how you spend your time and adjust your habits accordingly.

You have the power to change this narrative. By setting clear boundaries and respecting them, you can maintain your passion without sacrificing your well-being. Your energy and creativity are valuable resources—manage them wisely.

All my love,

Dr. Carolyn

The post Too Much of a Good Thing is Not a Good Thing appeared first on Carolyn Rubenstein PhD.

Imagine us in a lush garden, hidden away from the world’s hurried pace. Picture winding pathways, lined with vibrant flowers in full bloom, their colors a soothing palette for the eyes. The air is filled with the subtle fragrance of blossoms, mingling with the fresh scent after a light rain. Sunlight filters through the canopy of trees, casting shadows on the ground, creating a dance of light and shade.

As you stroll along the winding paths, take a moment to notice the details around us. The gentle sounds of nature, the scents that are easy to miss, the budding flowers and fallen leaves, the touch of a butterfly fluttering on your hand. Each step brings us closer to a sense of calm, a reminder of the simple joys that often go unnoticed in our daily routines. The ordinary sparkling moments are now extraordinary in focus.

We find a quiet bench nestled under a grand tree, its branches stretching out like the protective arms of a wise, gentle guardian. Its canopy offers a cool, shaded refuge. As we sit down, feel the solid support of the wooden bench beneath you, grounding you in this moment. Close your eyes if you wish, and take a deep breath, inhaling the freshness of the garden air. Let the tension in your shoulders melt away as you exhale slowly, feeling more present with each breath.

Beside you lies a small, leather-bound journal. I’ve jotted down some phrases that often bring me solace, simple reminders of the serenity that nature embodies. As you open the journal, take a moment to read each one, allowing their meanings to resonate within you:

“I am grounded and steady.”

Reflect on the roots that keep you steady even in the strongest winds.

“I find calm in the present moment.”

Let go of the past and future worries, and embrace the here and now, where peace truly resides.

“I am allowed to change.”

Acknowledge that just like the natural world around you, you are allowed to change – with your own seasons and cycles.   

“I embrace stillness and quiet.”

Appreciate the moments of silence, where clarity and calm can often be found.

“I am enough as I am.”

Imagine embracing all aspects of yourself, the gloss and the grit, in this very moment.

As we sit together in this serene spot, I gently ask, “Which phrase speaks to you the most today?” Take a moment to reflect, letting the words settle in your mind. Perhaps one phrase stands out, a quiet echo that resonates deeply within you. Share this thought with me, and let us ponder it together.

The sun begins to set, and you pause before getting off the bench. Notice how you feel — a bit lighter, perhaps, or more at ease. The journal now holds a special phrase, a personal reminder of the tranquility we found here. As you tuck it away, remember that you can return to these words, and to this serene garden in your mind, whenever you need a moment of peace.

And as you step back into the rhythm of your life, carry the calm and clarity of this garden stroll with you. Let the serenity we found today infuse your days with a bit more peace and self-compassion.

All my love,

Dr. Carolyn

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Consider how this struggle has affected you in the past. You might find yourself constantly pushing through exhaustion to meet others’ expectations, only to feel more depleted and stressed. This can create a vicious cycle where self-care is neglected, and the pressure to perform never eases.

For instance, last weekend my daughter and I had the flu. It was definitely not how we expected to spend the weekend. Lots of changes were made. My daughter recovered quickly, but my recovery took a bit longer. And I struggled with that—and am still struggling with that as I write this letter.

The struggle is related to my own ingrained beliefs and expectations:

• When others are upset with me, I’ve done something wrong.
• Focus on caring for myself but just enough so I don’t let others down.
• Perform well enough that others can’t tell you’re not giving 100%.

These beliefs are difficult to share and unearth, but they became very obvious to me this past week. As I read them, it’s clear these expectations are far from what I truly believe. They are based on past wiring and my default mode of functioning—a formula for burnout.

Re-Evaluating Expectations

So, how can we adjust these expectations to be realistic? Let’s explore together.

When others are upset with me, I’ve done something wrong.

Others will have emotions in response to my actions. These emotions do not determine whether I’m right or wrong, worthy or not. They are simply emotions. If I choose to focus on the tough emotions others experience in relation to me, then I must also choose to focus on all the positive emotions others experience towards me. Ask yourself: Are you giving equal weight to the positive feedback and support you receive, or are you letting negative reactions dominate your self-worth?

Focus on caring for myself but just enough so I don’t let others down.

The hard truth is that when we prioritize ourselves—especially for acute or chronic stressors like health—we will let others down. As a psychologist, I wish I could say this weren’t true, but it is. So here’s where to focus: You will let others down, and that is okay. Because if we don’t slow down, we will ultimately let others down in much bigger ways.

Remember: Taking care of yourself isn’t selfish; it’s essential. When you’re at your best, you’re better equipped to support others in meaningful ways.

Perform well enough that others can’t tell you’re not giving 100%.

What if others knew you weren’t giving 100%? What would that mean?

Would I expect someone in my situation to be giving 100%? Definitely not. I would offer a lot more grace and compassion. So apply that back to yourself. Release the expectation that it’s all or nothing. 

Consider: How much more sustainable and fulfilling your efforts can be when you allow yourself the flexibility to give what you can, without the pressure of perfection.

When our mind says “DO,” and our body says “REST,” we need to listen to our body. Reflect on your ingrained beliefs and expectations. Are they realistic? Are they serving you or leading you towards burnout?

 Take action now. Adjust your expectations to align with your true values and needs. Recognize that others’ emotions do not define your worth. Prioritize your well-being without guilt, and give yourself the grace and compassion you would offer to others.

You have the power to change this narrative. Let go of unrealistic expectations and embrace a balanced approach to self-care and responsibilities. Your well-being is not a luxury—it’s a necessity.

All my love,
Dr. Carolyn

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