Abnormally Normal

Chinese Eye Test

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 09 May 2008 16:25:00 +0000

If you cannot decipher anything, then try pulling the corner of your eyes as if you were Chinese.

It works....

How many zeros in a billion?

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 08 May 2008 15:49:00 +0000

The next time you hear a politician use the word 'billion' in a casual manner, think about whether you want the 'politicians' spending YOUR tax money.

A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising agency did a good job of putting that figure into some perspective in one of its releases.

A. A billion seconds ago, it was 1959.

B. A billion minutes ago, Jesus was alive.

C. A billion hours ago, our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.

D. A billion days ago, no one walked the earth on two feet.

E. A billion dollars ago, was only 8 hours and 20 minutes, at the rate our government is spending it.

While this thought is still fresh in our brain, let's take a look at New Orleans. It's amazing what you can learn with some simple division.

Louisiana Senator, Mary Landrieu (D), is presently asking the Congress for $250 BILLION to rebuild New Orleans.
Interesting number, what does it mean?

A. Well, if you are one of 484,674 residents of New Orleans (every man, woman, child), you each get $516,528.

B. Or, if you have one of the 188,251 homes in New Orleans, your home gets $1,329,787.

C. Or, if you are a family of four, your family gets $2,066,012.

Washington, D. C.?
< HELLO! >
Are all your calculators broken??

Accounts Receivable Tax
Building Permit Tax
CDL License Tax
Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Dog License Tax
Federal Income Tax
Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Fuel Permit Tax
Gasoline Tax
Hunting License Tax
Inheritance Tax
Inventory Tax
IRS Interest Charges (tax on top of tax),
IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax),
Liquor Tax,
Luxury Tax,
Marriage License Tax,
Medicare Tax,
Property Tax,
Real Estate Tax,
Service charge taxes,
Social Security Tax,
Road Usage Tax (Truckers),
Sales Taxes,
Recreational Vehicle Tax,
School Tax,
State Income Tax,
State Unemployment Tax (SUTA),
Telephone Federal Excise Tax,
Telephone Federal Universal Service Fee Tax,
Telephone Federal, State and Local Surcharge Tax,
Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax,
Telephone Recurring and Non-recurring Charges Tax,
Telephone State and Local Tax,
Telephone Usage Charge Tax,
Utility Tax,
Vehicle License Registration Tax,
Vehicle Sales Tax,
Watercraft Registration Tax,
Well Permit Tax,
Workers Compensation Tax.

Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago, and our nation was the most prosperous in the world. We had absolutely no national debt, had the largest middle class in the world, and Mom stayed home to raise the kids.

What the heck happened?!?

To My Husband: For the record.......

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 12 Mar 2008 21:24:00 +0000

For the record, and for the most part, purely hypothetical, because I know you would never do anything like this, but if you ever attained a position that required you to have to make a public apology for your actions after you've been caught doing something illegal, especially cheating on me, prepare to stand up there completely on your own behind the podium, buddy.
I would not stand up there with tear-soaked, pale skin in stress-ravaged hair and clothes and pretend to make out like everything is hunky dorey between us despite what you did. I am so sick of watching these women pretend that the the most noble thing to do during those times is to stand behind your man. It is NOT noble, you idiots. It's degrading. It's like condoning what he did and sending him the message that he doesn't stand to lose you even because of his cheating/lying ways. Nobody said you have to stand up there and take the shame and embarrassment with him. I certainly don't remember my wedding vows stating that I had to stand by my man while he abused and neglected me.
These public apologies are getting ridiculous. Are they sorry that they did wrong or sorry that they got caught? It's hard to tell the difference anymore.

Urine Test - Email from Aunt Brenda

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 09 Feb 2008 20:48:00 +0000

I don't know who wrote this and I also don't have a job but I do agree with this 100%. Some sort of alcohol test would be in order too.

Like a lot of folks in this state, I have a job. I work, they pay me. I pay my taxes and the government distributes my taxes as it sees fit. In order to get that paycheck, I am required to pass a random urine test with which I have no problem.

What I do have a problem with is the distribution of my taxes to people who don't have to pass a urine test. Shouldn't one have to pass a urine test to get a welfare check because I have to pass one to earn it for them?

Please understand, I have no problem with helping people get back on their feet. I do, on the other hand, have a problem with helping someone sitting on their butt, doing drugs, while I work.

Can you imagine how much money the state would save if people had to pass a urine test to get a public assistance check?

Something has to change in this country -- and soon!

Anonymous

~And I think to myself, what a wonderful world.~

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 06 Feb 2008 03:06:00 +0000

Dear Mrs. Clinton and Mr. Obama,

In the name of all that is holy, I sure wish I didn't have to make a choice between the two of you at the polls today. That was one of the hardest decisions I think I've ever had to make.

That said, I plead with you both..........despite who wins the nomination for POTUS, please take the other on as VP. You both have great plans, both are an inspiration and both are champions for change. This country and its people need you both.

Thanks!

Lost Dog

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 06 Feb 2008 01:57:00 +0000

Please help us!
Our neighbor has lost her Chihuahua and is desperate to find him.
She does a lot of traveling and always takes her dog with her.
Yesterday, she was sitting on the couch watching TV. She called out for her puppy with no response, and the back door was open.
She has been putting up signs everywhere. If you see this dog, please let me know and I will notify her.

Your help would be greatly appreciated.

If the Earth were only a few feet in diameter......

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 30 Jan 2008 19:48:00 +0000

If the Earth
were only a few feet in diameter,
floating a few feet above a field somewhere,
people would come from everywhere to marvel
at it. People would walk around it marveling at its
big pools of water, its little pools and the water flowing
between. People would marvel at the bumps on it and the
holes in it. They would marvel at the very thin layer of gas
surrounding it and the water suspended in the gas. The people
would marvel at all the creatures walking around the surface of
the ball and at the creatures in the water. The people would
declare it as sacred because it was the only one, and they would
protect it so that it would not be hurt. The ball would be the
greatest wonder known, and people would come to pray to
it, to be healed, to gain knowledge, to know beauty and
to wonder how it could be. People would love it, and
defend it with their lives because they would
somehow know that their lives could be
nothing without it. If the Earth were
only a few feet in
diameter.

Joe Miller ~ Moab, Utah 1975

The Green Ones Make You Horny

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 24 Jan 2008 19:37:00 +0000

I will not be surprised if my husband comes dragging a bag of these home for me on Valentines Day! He *thinks* he's so deprived.

M&M'S® CHOCOLATE CANDIES GO GREEN JUST IN TIME FOR VALENTINE'S DAY
Limited Edition All-Green M&M'S® Chocolate Candies Put Consumers in the Mood for Love This Valentine's Day

HACKETTSTOWN, NJ · January 16, 2007 /PRNewswire/ —
Mars Snackfood U.S. is proclaiming green the new color of love this Valentine's Day as the brand celebrates the myths, rumors and innuendo surrounding green M&M'S® Chocolate Candies. In support of this bold and fun declaration, retail establishments across the country will display limited edition all-green M&M'S® amidst a sea of traditional red and pink products. Consumers can find the all-green M&M'S® in packages from January 2008 through the Valentine's holiday.

*SNIP*

What is it about The Green Ones®?

Legend has it The Green Ones® are an aphrodisiac; rumors of their special powers have been circulating since the '70s. In fact a certain perm-bearing early '80s rock star had it in his contract for three pounds of Green M&M'S® Chocolate Candies backstage for, uh, "inspiration." The Green Ones® have even made it into outer space. Green M&M'S® Chocolate Candies have been requested on 31 space shuttle flights.
The Lore of Green

The color green has a strong place in history, long associated with love and fertility. Green is also associated with energy, youth, growth, hope and new life. In the 15th century, green was the preferred color for wedding attire and the Celtic symbol of fertility was The Green Man. Today, green is considered an emotional stabilizer and pituitary stimulant.

Terrible Twos!

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 24 Jan 2008 18:32:00 +0000

My God! It just started and all I can think is, "When will it end??".

My youngest is going through what I assume is the Terrible Twos.
She's constantly cranky. Hits when she doesn't get her way. Shrills at the top of her lungs for as long as she can, when she can. Doesn't want to eat what I fix, doesn't want her diaper changed, wants to wear her shoes constantly (even in bed), and doesn't want anyone to talk, look or even breath in her direction.
I am going to rip my hair out if I have to watch one more fit-throwing tantrum of her lying on the floor kicking her feet, while screaming at the top of her lungs.
I know this is normal, but my gosh, I am so not used to it. My first baby didn't even go through phases like this. Kasey was then and still is, my mellow baby. Korey is my classic text book baby. If I read about it, it will happen with Korey.
My main concern with Korey at this point is that she is not talking. A friend of ours who had a baby two months after Korey was born, have a daughter who is forming short sentences already. And can run and walk like a 5 year old. Korey walks like she just learned to do it yesterday and she can hardly say any words at all. What she does say is not hardly recognizable to anyone other than me. I don't know what's going on.
One parenting site I read stated:
"Tantrums are inevitable. Parents who interact with a child during a tantrum will just prolong it."
I guess that makes the tantrums a little easier to get through since she can't talk and really doesn't understand what I say either. But still I worry about her not being able to talk like other kids her age.

I'll just be glad when we get through this phase. I am so not used to all this.

I'm sure my mom is laughing her ass off as she reads this. SHUDDUP!

What are they worried about!?

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 24 Jan 2008 18:05:00 +0000

I'm sure by now, you all have heard that Heath Ledger has died. But as if he couldn't just go in peace; some church weirdos have to picket his funeral as if it will insure he goes where they want him to go instead of where God choses for him to go. I will never understand people of this sort.

Church Members To Picket Heath Ledgers Funeral

A US church says actor Heath Ledger is in hell because he played a gay cowboy in one of his films, and has vowed to picket his funeral.

The Westboro Baptist Church (WBC), a Kansas-based congregation known for its demonstrations outside funerals for US soldiers killed in Iraq, said the Perth-born Australian actor who died yesterday was “now in hell”.

“WBC will picket this pervert’s funeral in religious protest,” the group said in a statement on its website.

“God hates the sordid, tacky bucket of slime seasoned with vomit known as Brokeback Mountain – and He hates all persons having anything to whatsoever to do with it.

“Heath Ledger is now in hell, and has begun serving his eternal sentence there.”

*snip*

The church, which has been classified by the Southern Poverty Law Centre as a “hate group”, also planned to demonstrate outside the upcoming Academy Awards ceremony.

*snip*

Ledger was nominated for an Oscar for his portrayal of gay cowboy Ennis Del Mar in Brokeback Mountain, a role for which he was widely admired.

What is this world coming to? What are they so worried about? The guy is dead. There's nothing they can do about it now and I doubt picketing his funeral will teach other actors thinking of portraying gay people on film and tv is going to cause them to do otherwise. Picketing a funeral is about the equivalent of posting insults anonymously on the internet.

Man, people need to get a grip. Stop wasting your time and your breath on minute things. The world has bigger, more pressing issues.

Yes Mom...that was a joke.

Ponderisms

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 19 Jan 2008 16:37:00 +0000

Email from Aunt Brenda!

Ponderisms

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. But it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

I found this email forward interesting.......

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 14 Jan 2008 19:07:00 +0000

TWELVE RULES FOR RAISING DELINQUENT CHILDREN

1. Begin with infancy to give the child everything he wants. In this way he will grow up to believe the world owes him a living.

2. When he picks up bad words, laugh at him. This will make him think he's cute. It will also encourage him to pick up "cuter phrases" that will blow off the top of your head later.

3. Never give him any spiritual training. Wait until he is 21, and then let him "decide for himself."

4. Avoid the use of the word "wrong." It may develop a guilt complex. This will condition him to believe later, when he is arrested for stealing a car, that society is against him and he is being persecuted.

5. Pick up everything he leaves lying around - books, shoes, clothes. Do everything for him so that he will be experienced in throwing all responsibility on others.

6. Let him read any printed matter he can get his hands on. Be careful that the silverware and drinking glasses are sterilized, but don't worry about his mind feasting on garbage.

7. Quarrel frequently in the presence of your children. In this way they will not be too shocked when the home is broken up later.

8. Give the child all the spending money he wants. Never let him earn his. Why should he have things as tough as you did?

9. Satisfy his every craving for food, drink, and comfort. See that every sensual desire is gratified. Denial may lead to harmful frustration.

10. Take his part against neighbors, teachers, policemen. They are all prejudiced against your child.

11. When he gets into real trouble, apologize to yourself by saying, "I never could do anything with him!"

12. Prepare yourself for a life of grief. You'll surely have it.

Are You Ready For This?

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 09 Jan 2008 19:34:00 +0000

Mom started a blog!

Can you believe it!?!? I can't. I can't believe she's finally stepped into the 21st century. This from a person who thought computers were going to be the downfall of civilization. But that's my mom. It takes her a long time to accept change but once she does, she runs with it.

My Mom....the one who thought that debit cards were the root of all evil and would never get one for fear of someone stealing her identity.

My Mom....the one who thought that when she wanted to buy something off the internet, she had to slide that debit card into a slot in her computer tower like an ATM to pay for it.

My Mom....the one who thought if she told someone her name over the internet, that person was going to immediately jump in their car, come to her house and kill her.

My Mom....the one who thought if she used too much color in MS Paint, that the computer would eventually run out and she would have to go buy more from the store.....like printer ink.

My Mom....the one who believed and forwarded every single stinkin' email forward until I finally got her to check it out before sending it to everyone she knew.

My Mom....the one who didn't even own a webcam, but still thought that everything she said or did in front of a computer screen could be seen or heard by others, including the government. (I still believe she turns off her computer monitor at night because of this reason.)

My Mom....the one who thought when she downloaded something from the internet, it disappeared from the website and was hers to keep as the sole owner until someone came along and took it from her.

My Mom.....the one who thought that it was criminal if she didn't read word for word every "Terms of Usage" message that came with those downloads. Many times she would click "I disagree" and was mad that she didn't get to download the program anyway.

My Mom.....the one who thought when she played a computer game, someone somewhere, was actually playing against her.

My Mom....who made sure new files on her computer had her first name in each and every title so every one would know who it belonged to. (She still does this to this day.) Janies Stuff, Janies Books, Janies Drawings

My Mom...who thought if she wanted to print something in Landscape, she had to turn the paper sideways in the printer.

My Mom....who thought if she vacuumed too close to the computer, a big bolt of electricity would come out of the vacuum and strike her computer.

My Mom....the one who thought computer viruses were caught because she didn't keep her computer tower clean, much like you would catch a virus by not washing your hands.

My Mom.....the one who thought "email" was a new slang word used to describe gay people.
Male, Female and Email.

My Mom....the one who thought computer chips were made by Frito-Lay.

My Mom. I love her so much!

Welcome to my world, Mom! You'll always be the "pup" around here.

Rest In Peace, Zach

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 07 Jan 2008 17:41:00 +0000

The 17 year old son of a good friend of ours passed away in a tragic car accident this past weekend.

Four Die In Greene County Crash
Friends Remember Young Crash Victims
Zach's Snowboarding Video @ MySpace

Zach was a good kid....a little button pusher at times, said his dad, but a good kid all around. We spent a few hours with his mom and dad at their house yesterday. Such a sad place. Such a senseless thing to happen.
I just couldn't even speak to Jolie. As a mother, I feel her pain, although not as clearly, but I can only imagine what it would be like to lose a child. She was just so sad and every time I would hear her talk or get close to her, I would lose it myself.
Greg was trying to do his best to hold it together but wasn't having much luck. He loved his only boy so much and was so proud of him, as any dad should be.
It was so hard seeing people in that much pain. But they need their friends and family to rally around them and keep them safe and hold them. They still have their little 6 year old Natasha to think of and they need help with, for and because of her.
Although I had never had the chance to see him in action for myself, I hear Zach was a great wakeboarder and snowboarder. He had many, many friends. His cellphone was ringing off the hook. Mainly it was just friends who were calling his cellphone just to hear his voice on the voicemail.
My heart broke every time that cellphone rang.

Please pray for Zach and his family.

-- Zachary Eugene Whittet --

Visitation is Thursday from 6-8 p.m. at Walnut Lawn Funeral Home, 2001 W. Walnut Lawn St.

The funeral is Friday at 10 a.m. at St. Elizabeth Ann Seton Catholic Church, 2200 W. Republic Road.

A memorial fund has been established at First Home Savings Bank, 2655 S. Campbell Ave.
Donations go to Camp Re-NEW-All.

Happy Birthday, Bean!

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 01 Jan 2008 20:02:00 +0000

My littlest one is two today. I can't hardly believe it.

She came into this world with her mom kicking and screaming, and she's attacked this world so far kicking and screaming even more.

I love you, Korey Bean! Happy Birthday!

Love,
Momma

Here we go......

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 01 Jan 2008 03:39:00 +0000

Dear Family and Friends,

2008 is on its way!
May this be the year of all years and we remain happy, healthy and loved.

Here we go......

Love,
Sandy

Email Joke from Uncle Doug

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 01 Jan 2008 03:24:00 +0000

Doctor's Stories

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly, I noticed that there were several cabs -- and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio , TX

At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch, the nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours, and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress, and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion, she answered... "Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was alive."

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis , OR

I was caring for a woman and asked, "So, how's your breakfast this morning?"
"It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly, and the woman produced a foil packet labeled, "KY Jelly."

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI

A nurse was on duty in the emergency room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass."
Once the surgery was completed the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

Submitted by RN, no name

As a young doctor doing his residency in OB , I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment, I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing, further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were
whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener."

Doctor wouldn't submit his name (Can't blame him!)

Fun Blog Game

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 19 Dec 2007 20:35:00 +0000

You read the questions, then type you answer into Google Images and then put one of the image representations on your blog. So, here goes....

Age on your next birthday?

Place I would like to visit?

(Great Barrier Reef in Australia)

Favorite place?

(Shannon Falls, B.C.)

Favorite object?

Favorite food?

Favorite color?

Favorite animal?

Name of past pet?

(Spike - red miniature doberman pinscher)

Where I live?

1st Grade Teacher?

(Mrs. Devore - died in a car accident when I was in 2nd grade)

Middle name?

Bad habit?

College major?

Favorite holiday?

257 Ways (and counting) to Annoy People

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 19 Dec 2007 19:57:00 +0000

Sometimes it just feels so good to laugh at some of the stupidest stuff. My nephew Brent and I got a kick out of reading some of these last night.

My favs are:
#34 Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
#57 Staple papers in the middle of the page.
#89 Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk into it.
#111 When talking to someone, look at a spot about two inches to their right.

I really love #111!

Enjoy....sorry it's so long.

1. Specify that your drive-thru order is "to go."

2. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

3. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub."

4. Name your dog "Dog."

5. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."

6. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what you think."

7. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."

8. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.

9. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

10. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

11. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

12. Tell 1-800 operators they sound gay and ask for a date.

13. Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.

14. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.

15. Order a side of pork rinds with your fillet mignon.

16. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

17. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climatic parts of rental movies.

18. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.

19. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

20. Repeat everything someone says as a question.

21. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's road maps.

22. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination, UFO, and OJ Simpson conspiracy theories.

23. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?", "What?", "Never mind, it's gone now."

24. Light road flares on a birthday cake.

25. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

26. At the Laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

27. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling as they read.

28. Ask people what gender they are.

29. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.

30. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

31. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

32. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

33. Change your name to "John Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."

34. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

35. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.

36. Wear a lot of cologne.

37. Listen to 33RPM records at 45RPM speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."

38. Sing along at the opera.

39. Mow your lawn with scissors.

40. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhwing-batter!"

41. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."

42. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

43. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."

44. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

45. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.

46. Make appointments for the 31st of September.

47. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

48. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.

49. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."

50. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

51. Practice making fax and modem noises.

52. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc." them to your boss.

53. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophecy."

54. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

55. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.

56. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

57. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

58. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

59. Honk and wave to strangers.

60. TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE.

61. type only in lowercase.

62. dont use any punctuation either

63. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

64. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "No, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.

65. Sing the theme to the Batman television show as loudly as you can, over and over and over.

66. Tell people their accent isn't fooling anyone.

67. Drum on every available surface.

68. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

69. Set alarms for random times.

70. Learn Morse code and have conversations with friends in public consisting of "Beeeep bip bip beeeep bip...”

71. Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.

72. Leave your Nine Inch Nails tape in Great Uncle Ed's stereo, with the volume properly adjusted.

73. Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.

74. Wear your pants backwards.

75. Begin all your sentences with "Ohh la la!"

76. Rouse your roommates from slumber each morning with Lou Reed's "Metal Machine Music."

77. Leave someone's printer in compressed-italic-landscape mode.

78. Pay for your dinner with pennies.

79. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

80. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

81. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

82. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."

83. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

84. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.

85. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."

86. Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.

87. Sing the "This is the song that never ends" song from Lampchop's Play-Along.

88. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

89. Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk into it.

90. Drive half a block.

91. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

92. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a southern drawl.

93. "Forget" the punch line to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."

94. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes."

95. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains, such as "Feliz Navidad," the Archies' "Sugar," or the Mr. Rogers theme song.

96. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

97. Ask to "interface" with someone.

98. Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as "sticky wicket isn't cricket."

99. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."

100. Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.

101. Never make eye contact.

102. Never break eye contact.

103. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, pronouncing the results.

104. Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cossell voice.

105. Occasionally bark in a high-pitched voice.

106. Say "okay, you're gay" to anything someone says.

107. As people talk, smell their shoulders.

108. When in a conversation, look out the window, then say "Wait, start over. I wasn't paying attention."

109. Say to people, "Did you wear deodorant today?"

110. Place your shoes on the table.

111. When talking to someone, look at a spot about two inches to their right.

112. When standing near a "high-class person," ask them, "Excuse me, but do I have a booger hanging on my nose? I thought I picked it off."

113. Switch your neighbor's lawn furniture with someone else's.

114. Call into work and tell them you have something better to do today.

115. Buy goldfish and ask the clerk if they come with chips.

116. Sample every flavor of ice cream and tell the clerk what you don't like about each one.

117. Pick your ear wax and ask if you could use their sleeve to wipe it off.

118. Insist completely ridiculous things are true - like Bush is still President.

119. Speak in a strong Welsh accent.

120. Wear odd shoes.

121. Learn "Ice Ice Baby" by heart and recite it endlessly.

122. Disagree strongly with everything anybody says.

123. Throw stones at people walking past your house.

124. Keep changing the TV channel every two seconds.

125. Insist that Celine Dion is better than the Beatles.

126. Whenever anyone says something, laugh loudly as if they have just told an extremely funny joke.

127. Phone McDonald's and try to make a reservation for that evening.

128. Spend an entire weekend pretending you are R2-D2.

129. Phone random numbers and tell them you are holding their daughter hostage.

130. Recite the first 4,000 decimal places of Pi. Then ask if people want to hear it in binary, too.

131. Pretend you have gone completely deaf.

132. .sdrawkcab etirW

133. Walk into people's houses, go straight to the fridge without saying hello, and help yourself to their food.

134. Speak so quietly that people always have to get you to repeat it.

135. Loudly recite people's most embarrassing secrets in restaurants.

136. Play the electric guitar very loudly and badly, then when the neighbors ask you to turn it down, play even louder. When they come around to complain again, say, "Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you asked me to turn it up!

137. Try to fit the word "cornucopia" into every sentence you say.

138. Drive on the wrong side of the road.

139. Secretly learn to play the piano, and then go to a friend's house that has a piano. Claim you've never played before then play Jesu Joy of Man's Desiring perfectly the first time. Then say, "I guess I must kind of be a natural."

140. Go canoeing and sing the Hawaii Five-0 theme.

141. Claim that until recently, you thought Michael Jackson was a woman.

142. Wear your cap backwards and say "Yo, wazzup?" a lot.

143. Go to a Metallica concert wearing a Michael Bolton T-Shirt.

144. Tell everyone you are Bill Clinton's cousin.

145. Take photos of people walking down the street and then run away.

146. Dedicate your life to politics, become president of the United States, then raise all taxes to 90%.

147. Down a can of Coke in one drink and then burp loudly.

148. Insist that it was Bobby who shot J.R.

149. Bark like a dog whenever anyone says the word "the."

150. Wire up people's cars so the horn comes on as soon as their car is started.

151. Ride a unicycle to work.

152. E-mail Microsoft to tell them about bugs in Windows XP that aren’t actually there.

153. Stare at people for about five minutes, making sure they know you're staring at them. Then, slowly sneak up to them while humming the Mission: Impossible theme. Sniff their head, and then run away. Repeat.

154. Continuously mumble during a conversation.

155. Take off the eraser to every pencil in your house, or better yet, someone else's house.

156. When in a chat room, spell everything incorrectly.

157. Insist on "Weird Al" sing-a-longs.

158. On a hot summer day, ride up and down the road and drench pedestrians with squirt guns.

159. When walking down a main road, act like a drunk.

160. Wear nothing but white and go mud wrestling.

161. Walk up to someone eating. Lean over and stare at them intently until they notice. Continue to do so until they ask what you're doing. Reply, "I've been watching you eat for the last 30 seconds. You're weird!" Leave the restaurant.

162. When walking, talk to yourself constantly.

163. Move people's bookmarks ahead three pages when they aren't looking.

164. Call the operator. When asked, "Can I help you?" reply, "No thanks, just browsing."

165. Go to a gumball machine insert coins until you have a matching pair of fake eyeballs. After attaining these, record the theme song of The Twilight Zone over and over again. Drive down the street wearing the eyeballs and playing The Twilight Zone theme very loud. When you get pulled over, leap into the passenger's seat and claim, "He was here a minute ago, officer!"

166. On a night other than Halloween, get a few friends together and dress like Jason from Friday the 13th. Have each of you stand a mile apart on a highway.

167. After visiting the local donut shop, sit on the floor cross-legged and insist in a childish voice that you haven't received enough chocolate sprinkles.

168. Push a raisin into someone's cream-filled donut. (I don't get this one.)

169. Spread fertilizer on half your neighbor's lawn.

170. Add A535 (liquid heat) to that little hole down the center of someone's anti-perspirant.

171.

172.

173. Add blank entries to lists, to make it look like it's longer.

174. Call every pager number you know and leave the number for your local McDonald's.

175. Wash and scrub the trees in your front lawn.

176. Throw newspapers back at paperboys.

177. Tell people their fly is down when they're wearing sweat pants.

178. Stand on a busy corner. Gasp, look and point up. See how many people look.

179. At random times in a conversation, say "Hi," "Hello Sir, how are you?" or "Have a good day, thank you."

180. Put electrical tape over the headlights of someone's car.

181. Walk up to random strangers insisting you are family.

182. Dress like a "High-class rich person" and wash windows at random street corners. Demand a dollar in a British accent.

183. When a cop pulls you over, when they step up to your car, drive forward slowly and make them walk. Especially if it's raining.

184. In an office, lock all the doors behind you.

185. Face the back when standing in an elevator.

186. Grin so wide it hurts your cheeks at every salesperson in town.

187. When at an ATM, try to have a conversation with it, or pretend it stole your card. (This works best if there's a line.)

188. Unbend all the paperclips you can find, then replace every eraser you can find with a rubber band.

189. Ask people to prove everything they say. (e.g. "I'm Bob, nice to meet you..." "PROVE IT!")

190. Sharpen all your pencils to the same size EXACTLY.

191. Answer every question with another question. As soon as one of you says a statement instead of a question, shout "I win!”

192. Pose as a client at a bank or other professional institution, and when you are seated in front of their desk, keep rearranging the items on top into different patterns and tell them you are "just reorganizing things."

193. Instead of singing 99 bottles of beer on the wall, sing 999,999,999 bottles of beer on the wall!

194. Call every girl you know "dude".

195. Recite every song from the Playstation games PaRappa the Rapper and Um Jammer Lammy.

196. Bring a portable CD player to a concert and listen the CD because you insist that it is "Just better quality"

197. Press the "power" button on someone's computer or keyboard when they're almost finished typing up a long essay, story etc. Apologize sincerely; claiming that you thought it was the focus adjustment.

198. Call 911 and breathe heavily.

199. Take a shower. Feel guilty. Give it back.

200. Mow your carpet. (Or preferably somebody else's)

201. Vacuum your lawn. (See note on 200)

202. Recite Shakespearian poetry to everyone you meet.

203. Go to McDonalds and ask for a BK Whopper.

204. Order a pizza and ask them if they can "please put the crust on top this time" in an exasperated voice.

205. Every time someone asks you to do something or says something to you ask "Is that a threat?"

206. When in an elevator, in different voices, shout out random floors, and then watch as you get there, no one gets off.

207. Also, when riding up an elevator with a stranger, start singing a song that everyone knows, then expect them to start singing too. If they do not start singing, insist, "Everyone knows that song. Are you stupid?"

208. While walking make car noises loudly (Such as changing gears).

209. Whenever somebody says something, ask what the simplest word they said means. When they explain, ask what the simplest word in their explanation means. Repeat this for the entire conversation.

210. Go up to someone and say, "Are you annoyed by irrelevant questions?" And then walk away very quickly.

211. Finish each sentence with "Monkey See, Monkey Do".

212. Click your mechanical pencils or your pens during a test in school.

213. Pretend you are invisible.

214. Convince people you are deaf and talk in an incredibly phony sign language.

215. Spend all day at a fast food restaurant and see how long it takes before you have to pay for your "free" refills.

216. Continuously open your briefcase or bag and say into it, "Have you got enough air in there?"

217. While going down in an elevator scream, "AAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!!!! WE'RE GONNA DIE!", for no apparent reason.

218. Call everyone a communist.

219. Explain "the little green men" in detail to someone, and when they don't believe you, accuse them of being one in disguise.

220. Call your neighbors collect.

221. Whenever someone finishes a sentence say, "And then what happened?"

222. Page yourself over an intercom, but don't disguise your voice.

223. Send people annoying chain forwards with outrageous consequences like "If you don't send this to 300 people in 4 seconds you will die instantly" and then insist that it is true and it happened to your uncle.

224. When walking push an invisible cart and make loud squeaky noises.

225. Walk up to random people and ask them, very seriously, "Do you know the muffin man?"

226. Clear your throat every three or four words while speaking.

227. Look at your hand in amazement and say, "Whoa, I never knew I had this!"

228. While driving if you see a "How am I driving" bumper sticker, call the number and inform the operator that the driver is doing a great job.

229. When driving with companions in the car, every few seconds slam on the brakes and insist that a squirrel ran in front of you.

230. When driving with companions in the car, every few seconds slam on the brakes and insist that a squirrel ran in front of you.

231. Whenever anybody says anything to you. Respond by saying, "I know."

232. Sending this list to all of your friends through email.

233. Continue to ask someone "Is this annoying? Is this annoying?" over and over and over.

234. Tap someone on the shoulder repeatedly.

235. Begin every sentence with, "By the Gods!"

236. When you're in an argument, no matter what it's about, keep yelling "I don't see your name on it!”

237. When in public, pretend you are selling something in an infomercial.

238. At a restaurant, repeatedly send your food back for changes and after awhile insist that, "This isn't what I ordered!"

239. Go to a shoe store and try on every shoe, then say that you aren't interested in buying shoes and leave.

240. Put powdered sugar in your hair, sit down next to a stranger, and scratch your head a lot.

241. Turn on the Talk Radio Stations in your car, roll down your windows, and headbang.

242. Walk around with a plastic sword and shield and tell strangers "I must avenge the death of my father."

243. Scotch tape your door as an Anti-theft Device.

244. Super Glue quarters to floors.

245. Put the wrong date and year on the papers you hand in to your teachers.

246. Call random numbers and say "Hi, this is Julie from Baskin Robins. If you can name 31 flavors in 31 seconds you get a free scoop."

247. WRIGHT N AL CAPITOL LETERS AND MISSSSSPEL EVRYTHIND!!!

248. Get two cell phones and talk to yourself on them in front of other people.

249. Make a loud and abrupt noise when nobody is looking, then face the other direction when everybody looks your way, pretending the sound came from behind you. (Thanks Alex)

250. Lend a book to someone, but staple the middle together.

251. Lend someone a book, but rip out the climax.

252. When making a list use the same number twice.

253. Spel easy wordds rong.

253. Pronounce people's names wrong every time you meet them.

254. Laugh at everything they say.

255. Never laugh at what they say.

256. When talking to someone, tilt your head to the side.

257. Snicker at what someone said and say "I got the movie reference".

via

Today is my 40th Birthday...... ugh

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 12 Dec 2007 21:35:00 +0000

I woke up this morning and the weirdest thing happened.

I turned 40.

Oh.My.Gawd.

40!

I should have just stayed in bed.

UPDATE:

Stayed in bed, for sure!

My husband informed me this morning that he was taking me out for dinner and to be ready when he got home from work. He said my SIL was watching the kids.

I'm ready, the girls are ready, the phone rings. It's my cousin Quentin. He's calling to let everyone know that he found that he and his girlfriend are having a baby boy. That's exciting news for sure but what does he mean "everyone"? He said that his dad told him that he thought everyone was at my house for a birthday party. I told him they were not and he quickly changes the subject.
My suspicions are raised.

We drop the girls off at my SILs. We head into town and Bubba says, "Don't be mad but we're going to eat at Ziggies. They have this new dish that I've been eating and you just have to try it."
I'm thinking, 'Ziggies?!? You're taking me out to Ziggies on my birthday!?!? You have to be kidding!'
Being the nice person I am, I don't say a word but inside, I'm starting to wonder just how much he loves me. When we arrive, I'm scanning the parking lot for familiar vehicles for an indication of who might be inside. I don't recognize any of them.

We walk in and the waitress directs us towards a room at the back of the restaurant. I see the glass door to the room is obstructed by yellow streamers. AHA!
I bet "everyone" is here. I do not want to do this. I walk up to the door and try to peek in between the streamers to see who all is in there. I see my mom. I turn around to walk away from the door and Bubba pushes me inside. They all scream "SURPRISE!"
Oh man.
My whole family was there. Even my girls and my SIL.
I've never had a surprise party before. It was weird and awkward at first, but it turned out to be quite fun. Nothing like having a huge family and then have them all turn out just for me. I felt really special and loved.

Thanks Mom for doing all that for me!

Just you wait.....I'll get you back.

The Blog Readability Test

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 08 Dec 2007 23:26:00 +0000

What level of education is needed to understand your blog?

For reasons unbeknownst to me, the reading level for this blog
is higher than some of the other more well known blogs in town.

Phun with Photoshop!

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 07 Dec 2007 17:30:00 +0000

I am starting a new segment on my blog titled, Phun With Photoshop.
This fun addition will consist of funny altered pics I come across while surfin' the innernets or that are sent to me in email.

Anywho.....here's the first installment of Phun With Photoshop.

"Another Chinese Recall"

YIKES! This actually made my butt pucker when I saw it.

Shoot me an email with any funny pics you find. If I like them, I will post them and mention your name or blog.

Later taters!

Email Pic from Cousin Chelsa!

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 07 Dec 2007 17:28:00 +0000

Whew!

The email jokes and pics are running rampant this week!
Here's another email from my cousin, Chelsa.
Hi Chels!
I've seen this one before but it's still hilarious.

Wouldn't you just lose your breath after seeing this?
That's going to take some serious washin' to get all that off that baby.
I don't envy that mom at all.

Reminds me of my own little one who decided to put on mommy's makeup without her knowledge. It's one of my most favorite pictures of Kasey that I have.

Look at how proud she is!

Another email joke from my sister, Krissy!

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 07 Dec 2007 17:18:00 +0000

When you see this on your way out the door in the morning......

Go back in and have another cup of coffee. It's probably not going to be a good day.

This Is What I Have To Put Up With.......

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 06 Dec 2007 22:50:00 +0000

I get no respect.

I first sent this email to my mother and my sister hoping they would know what I was talking about.

Saundra Batson <> wrote:

I don't know if you all remember this or not, but back when I first got my computer, you all were messing around with a Christmas screen saver that would change from day to day. It would start out with a tree and a few ornaments, then each day the tree would become more decorated, presents under the tree would appear and you could see more snow falling and piling up outside. By the time Christmas Day came around, the room was fully decorated and the presents and tree were full. I want to say that somewhere in all that, there was a fireplace and a grandfather clock with a mouse that could be seen at times climbing up the side of it. The window showing the snow outside had a sort of Londony, vintage-y look to it with horses and carriages driving by.
I know I did not pay for this screen saver and seem to think I downloaded it from somewhere online. I have looked and looked and this makes about the 4th year that I have searched for this screen saver. I've done so many searches on Google with so many different configurations over the years, it's making me sick.
Do either of you know what I am talking about and have any recollection of where we found it at?
--
*~*Sandy*~*

Both responded that they knew what I was describing but had no idea where to get it.
Remembering that around this same time, my Uncle Kevin had introduced us all to the Elf Bowling Game that went around and around and my thinking was that he also might have turned us on to this screen saver at the same time, so I sent a copy of this email to him. (The actual Elf Bowling game, not the virus of the same name.) I was hoping he could put me out of my misery and find the mysterious screen saver of old that I was looking for.

Here is his response:

I think the real issue isn’t that you’ve look for a screen saver for four years, although some may think this to be a little excessive.

Maybe your not looking for a screen saver at all. Is it possible your really looking to make a connection to your past computer childhood?

The holidays can be stressful for a lot of older people and we all want to capture this year as with all years that little bit of a past holiday that gives meaning and a sense of order to the current season.

Perhaps your desire for a simpler time is manifesting in the form of a screen saver from four years past.

The first thing is admitting you have a problem. Only then can you begin to truly heal.

I’ve written this little rhyme, maybe it will help.

You brightened each day when I didn’t move the mouse

That little Tree screen saver all snuggled up in my virtual house.

I didn’t remember to save you to a disk or CD now I’ve lost you forever how sad can I be.

You served me well though and never even cost me a buck I found you on a website what non-virtual luck.

Although I‘ll never see you back on my PC you’ll always be the only Screen Saver for me.

The only Little Tree… screen saver for me

Let the screen saver go Sandy, in the knowing that it lived a meaningful life keeping desktop wall paper “high chair baby pictures" and horrifying “our first puppy” shots from permanently burning into the CRT’s of countless monitors.

Let it go, it’s time to move on.

Love you

Your Uncle Kevin

I NEVER get a straight answer from him about anything! LOL

So, I am reveling in the fact that I had to do countless corrections of his spelling and punctuation just to save him the embarrassment of this being posted on the innernets for the whole world to see. And of course, he will deny those corrections adamantly. But if he would like for me to post a side by side comparison post, that can be arranged.
That'll teach him to mess with me! MuHaHA!

If anyone has any idea about the screen saver I am looking for, PLEASE please PLeaSE, for pete's sake, let me in on it!