Absolute Geek!!!

Stereogram

noreply@blogger.com (ajai arif) — Tue, 29 Mar 2011 21:20:00 +0000

Cross your eyes to see the 3D effect on the pictures below.

The dangers of not logging out of facebook.

noreply@blogger.com (ajai arif) — Sat, 26 Mar 2011 02:45:00 +0000

Please log out your facebook account especially on public computer. You really don't want any of this stuff happen to you.

Comic Time!!!

noreply@blogger.com (ajai arif) — Tue, 22 Mar 2011 14:29:00 +0000

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

Husband for Sale!

noreply@blogger.com (ajai arif) — Mon, 21 Mar 2011 07:12:00 +0000

A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City , where
a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the
entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the
store ONLY ONCE !

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the
shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch....you may
choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a
floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the
building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband .

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are
extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-
dead good looking and help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-
dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic
streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the
sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on
this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are
impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you
exit the building, and have a nice day!

Rotttiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii............

noreply@blogger.com (ajai arif) — Sat, 12 Feb 2011 10:14:00 +0000

Seorang penjual roti di langgar sebuah bas. Akibatnya, dia tercampak dari motor rotinya dan masuk ke dalam longkang..

Sementara itu rotinya bertaburan di atas jalan.. Sambil menyapu darah yang mengalir dari kepalanya.. dia terus merintih kesakitan.

Tak lama kemudian datanglah pihak polis menghampirinya dan bertanya..

"Ada apa encik..? Ada apa ?"

Dengan suara yang perlahan dan dengan merintih kesakitan.. penjual roti itu berkata,

"Adaaaaaa rotii kejuuuuuuu ... Adaaaaaa rotii coklaaaattt ..."

Butang ATR

noreply@blogger.com (ajai arif) — Sat, 12 Feb 2011 10:02:00 +0000

Seorang lelaki dalam kapal terbang tiba-tiba ingin buang air. Tapi tiap dia hendak ke toilet, selalu saja ada orang didalam.

Seorang pramugari melihat keadaan ini, dia lalu menawarkan utk menggunakan toilet wanita dengan syarat dia tak boleh menekan butang2 yang ada di toilet tersebut.

Kerana dah tak tahan, masuklah lelaki tadi ke dalam toilet wanita yang memang sedang kosong.

Ternyata butang2 itu memang ada, dekat tempat tise.

Ada 4 butang yang bertuliskan: WW, WA, PP, ATR.

Kerana perasaan ingin tahu, lelaki tadi cuba untuk menekan butang2 itu.

Dengan hati-hati dia menekan tombol WW dan ketika itu juga air hangat menyembur ke punggungnya. Dalam hati dia berkata, “Oh.. rupanya butang ini bererti WARM WATER (air hangat) untuk cebok. Wah selesa sungguh perempuan kalau ke toilet”, katanya dalam hati.

Masih ingin tahu, lalu dia menekan tombol WA, dan ketika itu bertiuplah udara hangat (WARM AIR) untuk mengeringkan punggungnya yg basah. Dia berfikir, “Tidak hairan kalau perempuan selalu lama di dalam toilet dengan layanan seperti ini”, tambahnya.

Lalu dia menekan butang PP dengan sangat berhati-hati sambil menantikan kemungkinan yang akan terjadi.

Ternyata satu span bedak (POWDER PUFF) keluar dari tepi lalu menepuk2 bedak ke punggungnya yang sudah kering dengan bedak halus. “Oh man…… this is great…… sangat hebat layanan seperti ini!”, katanya dalam hati.

Dengan tidak sabar kerana ingin menikmati layanan lain yang sudah dia bayangkan, pasti sangat selesa kerana merupakan butang terakhir, d ia segera menekan butang “ATR”……….. !!!

Sedar2 dia sudah berada di wad hospital dan ditangannya dicucuk jarums.. dia sangat hairan, lalu dia bertanya pada jururawat yang sedang bertugas.. dia menerangkan bahawa apa yang dia ingat adalah dia sedang berada dalam toilet wanita dalam sebuah pesawat.

Si jururawat kemudian menjelaskan, “Ya.. anda pasti sedang menggunakan layanan toilet dalam pesawat yang dikhaskan untuk wanita..hingga anda menekan butang ATR iaitu butang AUTOMATIC TAMPON REMOVAL (penanggal tampon automatik).. dan anda pun pengsan kerana buah zakar anda tertarik oleh alat itu...

p/s: tak tau apa tu tampon? check kat wiki ok.

Magic eye 3D

noreply@blogger.com (ajai arif) — Fri, 04 Feb 2011 00:50:00 +0000

Korang kena julingkan mata sket ntuk tengok effect 3D dalam gambar diatas dan tulisan dibawah. fokus pada huruf o. julingkan mata sampai 2 huruf o menjadi 3 huruf o.

                             O    O
n   n   n   n   n   n   n   n   n   n   n   n   n   n   n   n   n
f    f    f    f    f    f    f    f    f    f    f    f    f    f
e   e   e   e   e   e   e   e   e   e   e   e   e   e   e   e   e
a    a    a    a    a    a    a    a    a    a    a    a    a    a
a   a   a   a   a   a   a   a   a   a   a   a   a   a   a   a   a
r    r    r    r    r    r    r    r    r    r    r    r    r    r
r   r   r   r   r   r   r   r   r   r   r   r   r   r   r   r   r
                           O       O

                            O          O
.  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .
.   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .
  .    .    .    .    .    .    .    .    .    .    .    .    .
  .     .     .     .     .     .     .     .     .     .     .
    .      .      .      .      .      .      .      .      .
.       .       .       .       .       .       .       .       .
     .        .        .        .        .        .        .
  .         .         .         .         .         .         .
.          .          .          .          .          .          .
|          |          |          |          |          |          |
|          |          |          |          |          |          |
|          |          |          |          |          |          |
|          |          |          |          |          |          |
|          |          |          |          |          |          |
|          |          |          |          |          |          |
  .         .         .         .         .         .         .
     .        .        .        .        .        .        .
.       .       .       .       .       .       .       .       .
    .      .      .      .      .      .      .      .      .
  .     .     .     .     .     .     .     .     .     .     .
  .    .    .    .    .    .    .    .    .    .    .    .    .
.   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .
.  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .


                     O              O
OIWEQPOISDFBKJFOIWEQPOISDFBKJFOIWEQPOISDFBKJFOIWEQPOISDFBKJF
EDGHOUIEROUIYWEVDGHOXUIEROIYWEVDGHEOXUIEOIYWEVDGHEOXUIEOIYWE
KJBSVDBOIWERTBAKJBSVEDBOIWRTBAKJBSOVEDBOWRTBAKJBSOVEDBOWRTBA
SFDHNWECTBYUVRGSFDHNYWECTBUVRGSFDHCNYWECBUVRGSFDHCNYWECBUVRG
HNOWFHLSFDGWVRGHNOWFGHLSFDWVRGHNOWSFGHLSDWVRGHNLOWSFGLSDWVRG
YPOWVXTNWFECHRGYPOWVEXTNWFCHRGYPOWNVEXTNFCHRGYPWOWNVETNFCHRG
SVYUWXRGTWVETUISVYUWVXRGTWVETUISVYUWVXRGWVETUISVYUWVXRGWVETU
WVERBYOIAWEYUIVWVERBEYOIAWEYUIVWVERBEYOIWEYUIVWLVERBEOIWEYUI
EUIOETOUINWEBYOEUIOEWTOUINWEBYOEUIOEWTOUNWEBYOETUIOEWOUNWEBY
WFVEWVETN9PUW4TWFVEWPVETN9UW4TWFVETWPVET9UW4TWFBVETWPET9UW4T
NOUWQERFECHIBYWNOUWQXERFECIBYWNOUWFQXERFCIBYWNOFUWFQXRFCIBYW
VEHWETUQECRFVE[VEHWERTUQECFVE[VEHWQERTUQCFVE[VEOHWQERUQCFVE[
UIWTUIRTWUYWQCRUIWTUYIRTWUWQCRUIWTXUYIRTUWQCRUIBWTXUYRTUWQCR
IYPOWOXNPWTHIECIYPOWTOXNPWHIECIYPONWTOXNWHIECIYLPONWTXNWHIEC
R9UHWVETPUNRQYBR9UHWVETPUNRQYBR9UHWVETPUNRQYBR9UHWVETPUNRQYB

 IIIIIIIIIIIIIII   IIIIIIIIIIIIIII 
H ( )  \|/    H   H   ( )   \|/ H 
H(   ) -O-    H   H  (   )  -O- H 
H     )/|\    H   H (     ) /|\ H 
H======^======H   H======^======H 
H- |----@-----H   H----| ---@---H 
H /|\ @\|/ @  H   H   /|\@ \|/@ H
H    \|/  \|/ H   H     \|/  \|/H 
III^IIIIIII^III   III^IIIIIII^III 
Wide eyed stereo  Wide  eyed  stereo

According    to    the  According    to    the
police      inspector,  police      inspector,
Edward  John Billings,  Edward John  Billings,
there  are   too  many  there  are   too  many
individuals  too close  individuals  too close
to  the  case to  make  to  the  case to  make
an  arrest.   I  asked  an  arrest.   I  asked
Mary  Smith to comment  Mary Smith  to comment
on  the case,  but she  on  the case,  but she
declined  to  comment,  declined  to  comment,
because  she  is  soon  because  she is   soon
to   be   married   to  to   be   married   to
Howard  D. Fredericks,  Howard  D. Fredericks,
the   victim's  uncle.  the   victim's  uncle.
Charles   Wilson,  the  Charles   Wilson,  the
victim's      brother,  victim's      brother,
stated that  the chaos  stated that  the chaos
was   responsible  for  was  responsible   for
at least  five suicide  at least  five suicide
attempts   last   week  attempts   last   week
alone.                  alone.

Cyanide and Happiness

noreply@blogger.com (ajai arif) — Mon, 30 Aug 2010 16:38:00 +0000

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

Priceless Second Opinion

noreply@blogger.com (ajai arif) — Sun, 22 Aug 2010 21:35:00 +0000

Joe had a very severe headache and decided to see a doctor.

The doctor said, ‘Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine
, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.‘

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men’s clothing store and thought, ‘That’s what I need… a new suit.‘ He entered the shop and told the salesman, ‘I’d like a new suit.‘

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, ‘Let’s see … size 44 long‘

Joe laughed, ‘That’s right, how did you know?‘

‘Been in the business 60 years!‘ the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit; it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, ‘How about a new shirt?‘

Joe thought for a moment and then said, ‘Sure.’

The salesman eyed Joe and said, ‘Let’s see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.‘

Joe was surprised, ‘That’s right, how did you know?‘

‘Been in the business 60 years.‘
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, ‘How about some new underwear?‘

Joe thought for a moment and said, ‘Sure.‘

The salesman said, ‘Let’s see…size 36.’

Joe laughed, ‘Ah ha! I got you, I’ve worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.‘

The salesman shook his head, ‘You can’t wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.‘

Drunk Night Joke

noreply@blogger.com (ajai arif) — Sun, 22 Aug 2010 21:31:00 +0000

Update at last....

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company’s Christmas Party.
Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn’t taste like alcohol at all. He didn’t even remember how he got home from the party.

As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.

And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean.
So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.
Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:

‘Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight.
I love you, darling! Love, Jillian’

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.
His teenage son is also at the table eating.

Jack asks, ‘Son, what happened last night?’

‘Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.’

Confused, he asked his son, ‘So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean?
I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??’

His son replies, ‘Oh THAT! … Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, ‘Leave me alone, I’m married!!’

Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time. PRICELESS

Kisah Ali Orang Gila Kg Pinang

noreply@blogger.com (ajai arif) — Thu, 08 Apr 2010 13:22:00 +0000

Al-kisah…..adalah satu kampung ni..nama kampung ni kampung pinang 18 batang. Kat kampung ni orang ramai idup aman dan bahagia. Dalam kampung yang aman ni..adala sorang laki ni. Nama dia Ali (nama sebenar). Ali ni orang gila kat kampung ni. So..ramai la yang pandang slag kat dia. Ramai la yang suka memainkan dia.. nak dijadikan cerita…

Pada suatu hari..si Ali ni gi la masjid nak semayang jumaat…ey..ni educated nyer orang gila tau..semayang tak tinggal. Contohilah dia ni. Sedangkan orang gila pun semayang…korang yang siuman ni pun semayang la gak ek.. ok….sambung citer. Lepas si Ali ni semayang jumaat, dia nak balik la kan . So..masa dia nak balik tu tetiba dia tengok selipar jepun kesayangannye dah takdek. Aper lagi…mengamukla dia…

Tanpa segan silu dia pun pegi la dekat mikrofon masjid tu lalu dia pun berkata: “kepada sesiapa yang mencuri selipar aku, baik ko pulang cepat!!!!!!!…” Semua orang menjadi takut..ye la..orang gila kan ..memacam dia buleh buat. Buatnya dia tetak anak bini orang…..kang..ha..naya.. Diulang sekali lagi…”kepada sesiapa yang curik selipar kesayangan aku tu..baik ko pulang cepat. Kalau tak aku akan buat seperti mana ayah aku buat!!!” lalu orang yang curik tu pun pulang la balik. “lek la bang.. gurau jek”….

Tapi Ali memandang nyer dgn muka yang serius..muka macam nak makan orang gitu…

Haa…lalu budak yang curi selipar dia tu pun blah tanpa memandang ke arah Ali.. takut la tue… lalu tok imam pun menegur Ali dan bertanya “kalau dia tak pulang apa yang akan kamu lakukan..?? apa yang ayah kamu lakukan..??” dengan suara dan wajah yang slamber….Ali pun berkata “saya balik kaki ayam la tok….”

101 ways to annoy people

noreply@blogger.com (ajai arif) — Wed, 03 Feb 2010 16:38:00 +0000

Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."
Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."
If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.
Speak only in a "robot" voice.
Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".
Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.
Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
Sniffle incessantly.
Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
Name your dog "Dog."
Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."
Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".
Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."
Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.
Practice making fax and modem noises.
Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.
Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."
Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."
Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.
Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.
Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
Drum on every available surface.
Staple papers in the middle of the page.
Ask 1-800 operators for dates.
Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.
Sew anti-theft detector strips into peoples backpacks.
Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
Set alarms for random times.
Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.
Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
Honk and wave to strangers.
Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.
Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.
Wear your pants backwards.
Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"
ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
only type in lowercase.
dont use any punctuation either
Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
Pay for your dinner with pennies.
Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.
Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.
Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now."
Light road flares on a birthday cake.
Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."
At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.
Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."
As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
Drive half a block.
Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
Ask people what gender they are.
Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.
Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.
Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".
Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet.
Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."
Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
Wear a LOT of cologne.
Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."
Sing along at the opera.
Mow your lawn with scissors.
At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"
Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."
Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."
Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."
Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
Never make eye contact.
Never break eye contact..
Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.
Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.
Make appointments for the 31st of September.
Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

Un-Motivational Poster

noreply@blogger.com (ajai arif) — Sun, 31 Jan 2010 11:18:00 +0000

Click for larger picture, cheer!!!

Terima Kasih Datuk

noreply@blogger.com (ajai arif) — Tue, 12 Jan 2010 10:54:00 +0000

kredit to Media Malaya

Pantun Aurat Wanita

noreply@blogger.com (ajai arif) — Wed, 30 Dec 2009 09:35:00 +0000

Baju nipis nampak bayang
Peha gebu saja ditayang
Lebih baik tak pakai baju senang
Dah tentu boleh tunjuk terang-terang

Baju ketat seluar sendat
Pakai tudung just ikat-ikat
Dari mula memang bukan adat
Disudut agama pun gaya tak berkat

Tudung jarang baju nipis
Pakai sikit boleh nampak ‘garis’
Mata orang terbeliak, kita membengis
Bila kena kutuk, kenapa menangis

Lengan pendek blaus gantung
Jeans ketat melekat dipunggung
Jadi orang Islam ni sebenarnya beruntung
Agama tak suruh berbungkus macam pocong

Apa rasanya, kepala bertudung, kain terbelah
Kalau takat rambut orang kurang ghairah
Lain kalau peha gebu atau ternampak lurah
Mata yang memandang boleh keluar darah

Kebaya ketat, kain terbelah
Ikat tudung macam tak sudah
Nak ikut suruhan agama memang tak mudah
Tapi Islam sebenarnya indah

Tutup aurat bukan suruh berselubung
Sampai tak nampak muka dan hidung
Yang faham tuntutan amat beruntung
Taklah bersungut mulut pun muncung

Dah kalau mula minat nak bertudung
Cubalah sesuaikan apa yang disarung
Kalau masih rasa jiwa tu ‘mendung’
Maknanya nafsu tu belum dapat dibendung

Bertudung itu bukan satu paksaan
Ianya lebih kepada keinsafan
Selalunya nafsu masih dikuasai syaitan
Itu la pasal fesyen pun yang bukan-bukan

Asal menutup aurat itu tuntutan
Kalau dianggap susah, tu sebab bosan
Yang ye nya hati tak berkenan
Tu yang berjela-jela mencipta alasan

Menutup aurat satu syariat
Kepada agama kita taat
Hidup berkat pahala berlipat-lipat
Didunia selamat, di akhirat hebat

(Jangan jadi cam gambar diatas tu ye)

Kondom

noreply@blogger.com (ajai arif) — Wed, 30 Dec 2009 09:26:00 +0000

Seorang lelaki telah pergi ke kedai ubat dengan anak lelakinya yang berumur 8 tahun. Semasa didalam kedai tersebut, mereka telah melalui seksyen yang mempamirkan pelbagai jenis kondom dan berbagi jenis package.

Anak: Ayah apakah benda ini?

Ayah: Owh........ in adalah kondom. Kita lelaki perlu memakainya untuk menghindarkan penyakit terutama ketika melakukan seks bebas atau untuk membuat pelan keluarga.

Anak: Yelah ayah, saya pernah dengar perkara ini semasa pelajaran kesihatan di sekolah.

Si anak sangat tertarik dengan berbagai jenis kondom yang dipamirkan lalu mengambil bungkusan kondom yang menggandungi 3 pek.

Anak: Ayah kenapa kondom ini dipek 3 kotak sekali gus.

Ayah: Owh.... ini untuk budak-budak sekolah menegah. 1 untuk hari Jumaat, 1 untuk hari Sabtu dan 1 untuk hari Ahad.

Anak: Hehehe.... hah yang ne kenapa ada 6 dalam satu pek...untuk siapa ke pulak ayah?

Ayah: Ha yang ne pulak untuk budak-budak universiti.... 2 untuk hari Jumaat, 2 untuk hari Sabtu dan 2 untuk hari Ahad.

Anak: WOW! Ha yang ini ada 12. Yang ni saya tau ayah.... kondom ini untuk orang yang dah kahwin ..... kena pakai hari-hari. Betul tak ayah?

Ayah dengan muka yang kurang bermaya dan bengang menjawab

Ayah: Alah yang ini memang untuk orang dah kahwin tapi...... 1 untuk bulan January, 1 untuk bulan February, 1 untuk bulan March... Tetapi kadang dalam 1 bulan pun tak pakai...................

Haji dan Kain Kafannya

noreply@blogger.com (ajai arif) — Wed, 30 Dec 2009 09:16:00 +0000

Al-kisah ada seorang businessman yang kaya raya bernama

Hj.Teepo. Apa saja nama bisnes atas muka bumi ini, dia ada.

Sayang, kekayaan Hj.Teepo adalah sebahagian besar hasil penipuan

dan putar alamnya dalam bisnes. Sahamnya berpuluh juta, hasil

penipuan. Tanah ribu hektar,pun hasil tipu. Wang

beratus juta juga, tipu punya hasil. Puas isterinya memberikan

kaunseling agar Hj.Teepo berhenti menipu, namun tak

dihiraukannya.

Kerana makan terlalu banyak dan mewah, dinner tiap-tiap malam

(orang belanja of course), exercise tarak, satu hari Hj.Teepo

disahkan oleh doktor

mengidapi penyakit barah dan disahkan akan padam dalam masa

sebulan. Maka teramatlah hiba hati Hj.Teepo nak meninggalkan

dunia ini, tambah pula mengenangkan segala aktivitinya selama

ini.

Maka dipanggillah anak isterinya untuk berwasiat. Kain yang dah

buruk, koyak pun tak apa, buat kain kapan aku. Aku dah banyak

merasa kemewahan di dunia ini. Biarlah kain buruk yang ku bawa

ke akhirat," jelas Hj.Teepo dengan genangan air mata. "Kenapa

begitu bang?" tanya isterinya"Saja aku nak merasa pakai kain

buruk pula," jawabnya lagi. Isterinya terdiam,tapi hatinya

berbisik, "Syukurlah, walau dah agak terlambat, ada juga

kesedaran dan keinsafan dihati suamiku."

Maka tempoh sebulan cuma tinggal 24 jam lagi. Dengan wajah

sugul, Hj.Teepo berbaring di kamarnya. Kain putih yang dah lusuh

dan terkoyak sana sini telah siap disediakan. Untuk terakhir

kali, si isteri menghampiri Hj.Teepo.

"Bang", bisiknya perlahan. "Buat kali terakhir sebelum abang

meninggalkan kami, berilah tahu kenapa abang nak dikapankan

dengan kain yang dah buruk.

Sedih saya melihat keadaan kain itu bang. Apakah abang telah

insaf dan bertaubat dengan perbuatan abang selama ini?"

Hj.Teepo merenung isterinya lama-lama dan bersuara, "Baiklah,

mari rapat kepadaku" isteri HjTeepo terus menghampiri suaminya.

Dengan nada yang sedih Hj.Teepo bersuara, "Yang, you pun tahu,

terlalu banyak dosa yang I lakukan selama ini. Berapa ramai

orang yang dah I kelentong. Jadi cukuplah kemewahan yang I

rasakan. Biarlah I dikebumikan dengan kain buruk saja." Isterinya

masih ragu-ragu. "Apakah abang fikir dosa-dosa abang boleh

diampunkan dengan berkain kapan yang buruk begitu?" tanyanya

lagi.

"Bukan begitu Yang. Kalaulah abang pakai kain kapan yang

buruk, nanti Malaikat Mungkar dan Nakir fikir abang dah lama

mati. Mereka juga akan fikir abang dah kena soal. Taklah nanti

mereka soal abang lagi. Jadi selamatlah abang...."

Robot Pembohong

noreply@blogger.com (ajai arif) — Wed, 16 Dec 2009 14:07:00 +0000

Samad adalah seorang profesor terulung, dia berhasil mencipta robot yang boleh mengesan pembohongan, dia membuat robot itu sehinggakan ketika mendengar pembohongan, robot tersebut akan terus menampar si pembohong itu…

Samad dengan bangganya membawa robot itu ke ruang tamu dan menunggu anak lelakinya pulang. Tapi anaknya tidak kunjung pulang. Sehingga pagi barulah anaknya pulang.

“Kamu dari mana?” tanya Samad.
“Ada pelajaran tambahan ayah”, jawab anaknya.
*PLANG* Robot tersebut menampar anaknya.
“Nak,ini adalah robot ciptaan ayah, dia akan menampar sesiapa yang berbohong! Sekarang katakan dengan jujur, kenapa kamu pulang lewat??!"

“Maaf ayah… saya baru habis menonton movie di rumah kawan…”.
“Cerita apa?
“Cerita Papadom ayah”.
*PLANG*
“Katakan dengan jujur cerita apa?!”
“Maaf ayah… saya tengok cerita lucah”.

Mendengarkan itu marahlah Samad.

“Kamu nie… kecil-kecil dah nakal… kamu nak jadi apa bila besar nanti?! Malukan ayah saja perbuatan kamu nie. Masa ayah kecil dulu , ayah tak pernah pun buat macam nie."

*PLANG* Samad ditampar oleh robotnya.
Suasana hening untuk beberapa ketika…
Isteri Samad kemudian masuk ke ruang tamu dan langsung berkata…

“Huh, sama saja kelakuannya, ke mana akan tumpahnya kuah kalau tak ke nasi? Bagaimana pun sememangnya dia anak awak…”

*PLANG*
Robot menampar isteri Samad sebelum isterinya sempat menyelesaikan kata-katanya…

dan semua terdiam…

Kredit to skycrewz

Lawak lawak lawak!!!! 2 singgit 2 singgit!!!

noreply@blogger.com (ajai arif) — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 18:40:00 +0000

Alahai Mak Cik………

Suatu hari..seorang Makcik menyewakan salah satu biliknya
untuk seorang pemuda penyelidik nak buat kajian kat kampungnyer..
Penyelidik yang dah bersetuju tu pun menyewa la..
Malam tu..
Time penyelidik tu nak mandi..maklum ler bilik air kampung..
Dah tu dia tu..hensem lagi..muda lagi..
Makcik tu pun “semacam” ler..dia pun nak pi ngendap si anak muda nie mandi….
Makcik nie kantoi sekali..oleh pemuda tu..
Kali keduanya pun kantoi..nak ngendap nie..
Kali ketiganya..pemuda tu naik bengang dan bagi warning..
” Kalau makcik ngendap saya sekali lagi…saya rogol makcik!!!”
Kemudian..makcik tu keluarkan jari kelingking dan berkata…

” JANJI TAU..!!”
======================================

Burung Spesel

Pada suatu hari sorang suami baru pulang dari Brazil , membawa burung kakak tua yang sangatlah spesel..
Si isteri bertanya..pada si suami..
” Abang..buat aper beli burung tu..?! Kan mahal tu..!”
Suami menjawab..
” Ala takper..burung ni spesel..tengok nie..”
Suaminya mengangkat tangan kanan dan memetik jarinya…burung itu terus menyanyi lagu POP..
Si isteri sangat suka..dan menyuruh suaminya mengangkat tangan kiri plak..
Si suami..berbuat demikian dan memetik jarinya.. dan burung itu terus menyanyi lagu ROCK pula..
Si isteri pun suka dan bertanya..
” Abang, kalau kita angkat kedua-dua tangan plak camner..?”
Suaminya menjawab..” Awak cuba la buat..”
Si isteri mengangkat kedua2 tangannya dan memetik jarinya..lalu..burung itu pun berkata…

” SATU SATU LAH, BODOH..!!! ”
=========================================

mengandung anak gajah??????

Seorang lelaki yang badannya gendut naik kereta
api. Penumpang sangat penuh maka lelaki itu
terpaksa berdiri. Dia merasa ada yang
menyenggolnya lalu lelaki itupun melihat
kebelakang. Ada seorang ibu hamil yang juga
sedang berdiri. Melihat wanita hamil itu maka
lelaki bertanya pada wanita itu :

Lelaki: Hi… kakak hamil ya ?
Ibu hamil : Iya udah tahu tanya lagi (kata wanita
dengan nada kesal)

Lelaki: Isinya orang ya, kak ?
Ibu hamil : Iya (dengan nada kesal, lalu
bertanya)Encik hamil juga ya?

Lelaki: Iya (Sambil ketawa)
Ibu hamil : (Karena merasa jawaban lelaki itu
tidak sopan dia melanjutkan pertanyaannya) Isinya
orang ya?

Lelaki: Bukan, isinya anak gajah (sambil ketawa lagi).
Ibu hamil : (terkejut, lalu ketawa)

Lelaki: Laa… kenapa ketawa? (dengan bingungnya)
Ibu hamil : Oh isinya anak gajah, ya… patutlah
belalainya keluar( sambil menunjuk seluar lelaki
yang lupa dikancing)

Lelaki:???????????
=========================================

Skandal Doktor

Seorang lelaki yang kebetulan seorang doktor muda, merasa tidak selesa dengan apa yang telah berlaku.
Ia pulang ke rumah dengan wajah muram.
Setibanya di rumah, ia merebahkan diri di katil dan fikirannya mula melayang
Lalu ia mendengar suara dalam kepalanya berkata,
“Sudahlah, tidak usah difikirkan. Skandal doktor membuat hubungan intim
dengan pesakit terjadi di mana-mana.
Jadi kamu tidak perlu merasa bimbang.”
Doktor tersebut cuba untuk setuju, tapi apa yang telah terjadi pagi
itu terbayang kembali dan perasaan tidak selesa muncul lagi.
Ia membalikkan badan dan mendengar lagi suara dalam kepalanya,
“Tak perlu bimbang,orang sudah mula biasa dengan skandal hubungan seksual
antara doktor dan pesakitnya.”
Lelaki itu mulai tenang dan perasaannya beransur-ansur pulih…
Tiba-tiba suara lain dalam kepalanya berkata,
“Tapi masalahnya kamu kan doktor haiwan”
=========================================

Taukei!

Sorang taukeh kedai restoren sedang mengira pinggan mangkuk di kedainya…

- 13 mangkuk pecah

- 5 mangkuk retak

- 2 mangkuk hilang

DAN….

- 1 mangkuk hayun sedang baca entri ini.

hahahaha. Jangan marah ye...

MU sux!!!!

noreply@blogger.com (ajai arif) — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 14:35:00 +0000

people said picture worth a thousand word......i won't believe it until i saw this picture......

hahaha....great job Liverpool lad....

Reader digest best jokes

noreply@blogger.com (ajai arif) — Sun, 18 Oct 2009 02:58:00 +0000

A foreign tourist hired a guide to take him around Delhi and Agra. At the
Red Fort at Delhi, he admired the architecture and asked how many years it
took to build.
Twenty years, replied the guide.
You Indians are a lazy lot, the tourist said. In my country, this could have
been built in five.
At Agra he admired the Tajs beauty and asked how many years it took to
build.
Only ten years, said the guide.
The tourist retorted: You Indians are slow! We can construct such buildings
in two-and-a-half.
In this fashion the tourist claimed that every building he admired could have
been built in his country in quarter the time. Finally, when they reached the
Qutab Minar, and the tourist asked what it was, the guide replied: I dont
know. It wasnt there yesterday evening.

---------------------------------

Overheard at the veterinarians: I had my cat neutered. Hes still out all
night with the other cats, but now hes a consultant.

---------------------------------

When an efficient secretary asked her boss for a raise in her salary, he
turned her down, saying: Your salary is already higher than that of the
secretary at the next desk. And she has five children.
Excuse me, the efficient woman replied, I thought we got paid for what we
produce herenot for what we produce at home in our own time.

---------------------------------

Husband and wife were in the midst of a violent quarrel, and hubby was
losing his temper. Be careful, he said to his wife. Youll bring out the beast
in me.
So what? his wife shot back. Whos afraid of a mouse?

--------------------------------

Aman was driving well above the speed limit when a police car suddenly
emerged from behind, sirens blaring. Thinking hed outpace the cop, the
man pushed his accelerator to the floor. His cars speed rose to sixty, then
seventy, eighty, and ninety. Finally, the man thought, what the heck, and
pulled over, ready to receive a speeding ticket.
The police officer got out, leaned over the man and said: Listen, Mister, I
have had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good
excuse and Ill let you go.
The man thought for a moment and said: Three weeks ago my wife ran off
with a police officer. When I saw your car in my mirror, I thought you were
that officer and were trying to give her back to me.
No ticket.

-------------------------------

A not-too-bright candidate for the police force failed in the written
examination. Since he was the Chiefs nephew, the examiner decided to go
easy on him with the oral test.
Who shot Abraham Lincoln?, asked the examiner.
The candidate pondered for a moment and then asked if he could have
sometime to come up with the answer. The examiner told him to come back
the next morning.
When the would-be recruit went home, his wife asked, Well, how did it go?
Did you get the job?.
I think so, he replied. They have already got me working on a case.

Cyanide and Happiness

noreply@blogger.com (ajai arif) — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 03:49:00 +0000

hell for you!!!

noreply@blogger.com (ajai arif) — Fri, 02 Oct 2009 00:12:00 +0000

Two non muslim men were on a plane on a business trip when a Muslim couple boarded
the plane and were seated right in front of them. The two men, eager to
have some fun, started talking loudly. "My boss is sending me to Saudi
Arabia", the one said, "But I don't want to go...too many Muslims
there!"

The Muslim couple noticeably heard and grew uncomfortable. The other guy
laughed, "Oh, yeah, my boss wanted to send me to Pakistan but I
refused...WAY too many Muslims!" Smiling, the first man said, "One time
I was in Iran but I HATED the fact that there were so many Muslims!"
The couple fidgeted.

The other guy responded, "Oh, yeah...you can't go ANYWHERE to get away
from them...the last time I was in FRANCE I ran into a bunch of them
too!"
The first guy was laughing hysterically as he added, "That is why you'll
never see me in Indonesia... WAY too many Muslims!"

At this, the Muslim man turned around and responded politely, "Why don't
you go to Hell?", he asked, "I heard there's NO Muslim THERE!"

Death and Citibank???

noreply@blogger.com (ajai arif) — Fri, 02 Oct 2009 00:07:00 +0000

It's all about money for CitiBank Credit Cards when you die... ... This is too funny! It takes all kinds to make the world go round. Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die. This is easy to see happening, customer service being what it is... .

My Aunt died this past January. Citibank billed her for February and March for their monthly service charge on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge... the balance had been $0.00... Now it was somewhere around $60.00. I placed the following phone call to CitiBank:

Me: 'I am calling to tell you that she died in January.'

CitiBank: 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Me: 'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections'

CitiBank: 'Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been.'

Me: 'So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'

CitiBank: 'Either report her account to the frauds division, or report her to the credit bureau maybe both!'

Me: 'Do you think God will be mad at her?'

CitiBank:'... excuse me... ?'

Me: 'Did you just get what I was telling you... the part about her being dead?'

CitiBank: 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor!'
(Supervisor gets on the phone)

Me: 'I'm calling to tell you, she died in January.'

CitiBank: 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Me: 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'

CitiBank: '... ..(stammer)' '... . Are you her lawyer?'

Me: 'No, I'm her great nephew.' (Lawyer info given... )

CitiBank: 'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'

Me: 'Sure.'

(Fax number is given)

(After they get the fax.)

CitiBank: 'Our system just isn't setup for death'

Me: 'Oh... '

CitiBank: 'I don't know what more I can do to help..'

Me: 'Well... if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her... I suppose... Don't really think she will care... .'

CitiBank: 'Well... the late fees and charges do still apply.'

Me: 'Would you like her new billing address?'
CitiBank: 'That might help.'

Me: 'Nilai Memorial Park Cemetery ( North South Highway and plot number given.)

CitiBank: 'Sir, that's a cemetery!'

Me: 'What do you do with dead people on your planet?'

Mr Samy and driver

noreply@blogger.com (ajai arif) — Fri, 02 Oct 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Samy Vellu and his driver, Muniandy, were cruising along a Sungai Siput country road one evening when an old cow loomed in front of the car.

Muniandy tried to avoid it but couldn't - the old cow was killed. Samy Vellu told Muniandy to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what happened.

About an hour later, Muniandy staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a bottle of expensive wine in one hand, an expensive Cuban cigar in the other and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.

"What happened?" asked Samy Vellu.

"Well," Muniandy replied, "the farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar, and their beautiful twin daughters were so happy they kept kissing me!"

"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Samy Vellu.

Muniandy replied: "I'm Samy Vellu's driver, and I just killed the old cow."