According to My Blog . . .

10 Reasons Why Nickelback is the Worst Band of All Time

noreply@blogger.com (Jack Prey) — Tue, 22 Nov 2011 18:04:00 +0000

10 Reasons Why Nickelback is the Worst Band of All Time

This is how you remind me . . . of how horrible you really are

Nickelback is the worst band of all time. This is a fact. I mean, sure, we can all agree they aren't technically as bad as these guys, but I don't have to listen to those guys every day on my way to work. I don't have to try and coexist with their fans. I don't have to change channels at halftime on Thanksgiving to avoid them. I don't have to see their bad hair at the Grammys.

The only reason Nickelback should ever be played is in the case of a Zombie Apocalypse, in which case they can be played at full volume to repel waves of the undead (if survival is really worth putting your ears through that).

What have they been rewarded for being the worst band of all time? Since 2001, they've sold more than 15.5 million records. On top of that, they've were the most-played band in the U.S. last year, with a song played every 30 seconds on any given radio station. Which just goes to prove there is no hope for humanity.

This doesn't mean that they are good. Just because Busch beer makes millions off poor, white trash doesn't make it good beer, does it?

Worse still, Nickelback is poised for yet another full-frontal, ear blitzkrieg. Today is the release date for their next auditory molestation. The album is called Here and Now and here and now over a thousand people have already given it an average rating of 4.5 stars on iTunes. I just don't see how this is possible.

Why is Nickelback the worst band ever? Why are they the most hated band? Why should you not buy their new album?

Here's the list of ten reasons I hope to answer those questions:

10. They wrote the song “Something in Your Mouth.” (you're so much cooler when you leave it in your mouth/'cuz you look so much cuter with something in your mouth)

9. A pickle got more fans than them on Facebook in a matter of weeks: http://pickleback.webs.com/

8. They get boo’d off stage and have rocks thrown at them. Granted, this was a crowd of Portuguese metal heads, but if these people can tell Nickelback is terrible, what is that saying about the Nickelback fans?

7. They wrote the song “Sex” (sex is always the answer, never a question)

6. Besides being an over-compressed, over-rated band with no dynamic range and a fan base consisting of 20 year old males with an affinity towards Vin Deisel movies, they also rip off music. The problem is . . . they rip off music from themselves. Come on guys . . . real rockstars rip off their music from other musicians. A fan uncovered that two of their songs sounded quite a lot alike (http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=4258547). Probably because those two songs are the same. Check it out:

5. Their songwriting in general. Every song sounds exactly the same. If you can get past the overly-distorted guitars that only play power chords, gravel-vocals that sound like constipation and a mash of buzzing mediocrity to actually listen to the lyrics all you'll find are recycled, immature themes and rhyme schemes. Look at the rhyme scheme in the song "Photograph:"

photograph/laugh

red/head

up/up

workout/out

. . .

door/floor

door/for

4. Look at the critics! This isn't a very convincing argument, I know. But when you google a great band, you simply don't get thousands of pages of why that band is THE WORST band of all time (check out Urban Dictionary definitions of 'Nickelback' for a fun time). Let's face it, would you pay good money to see a low-rated movie that consistently gets criticized as being the "Worst Movie of All Time"? Probably not. Unless it's the Fast and Furious (which ironically has the same fan base as Nickelback). Word Magazine readers voted Nickelback the "Worst Band of All Time" by a landslide. The Vancouver Sun described Nickelback as one of the most despised bands in the world. The Los Angeles Times wrote, "Nickelback's music isn't for hipsters or the illuminati. It's for people who don't want to have to think."

and here are just a few reviews of the band over the past decade:

Silverside Up (2001): "if you're looking for originality, you might want a full refund instead of a Nickelback"––Rolling Stone

The Long Road (2003): "Brazenly consistent, if unimaginative." ––Rolling Stone

The Long Road (2003): "Nickelback can now afford a little more time in the studio and a little more time to indulge themselves, and they turn out the same record, only slicker, which only highlights just how oppressively and needlessly sullen this group is." ––Allmusic

All The Right Reasons (2005): "All the Right Reasons is so depressing, you're almost glad Kurt's not around to hear it." ––Rolling Stone

All The Right Reasons (2005): "Like all Nickelback releases before it, All The Right Reasons was made for all the wrong ones and follows all the formulas and cliche's you should be bored to death of by now."––Tiny Mix Tapes

Dark Horse (2008): "Nickelback are a gnarled, vulgar band reveling in their ignorance of the very notion of taste, lacking either the smarts or savvy to wallow in bad taste so they just get ugly, knocking out knuckle-dragging riffs that seem rarefied in comparison to their thick, boneheaded words."––Allmusic

3. A recent petition to stop Nickelback from playing this Thanksgiving at the Detroit halftime show has received well over 50,000 signatures. The change.org petition states, "this game is nationally televised, do we really want the rest of the US to associate Detroit with Nickelback? Detroit is home to so many great musicians and they chose Nickelback?!?!?!"

2. Possibly the easiest, most surface-level answer to this question is the fans. Nickelback has single-handedly caused a pandemic of doucheness. It has taken over and created the 21rst century tool. You know the type. They’re the guys who get the Chinese symbol for “Bro” tattooed on their bodies. They’re the guys who pay $9 to watch Michael Bay movies. They’re the guys who wear Affliction t-shirts. And they’re all around us . . .

1. The #1 reason Nickelback is the WORST band of all time? This guy:

In 2008, Chad Kroeger was awarded the "Douche Bag of the Year Award" by the Guardian because he is a, "Self-important drunk driver and propagator of the worst music ever. With bad hair."

Well there you have it. Despite the fact that we all know the words to "How You Remind Me," it's not 2001 anymore. Let's stop giving this painfully generic, highly overrated band another multi-million dollar paycheck. It would make my commute to work much more pleasant.

4 Reasons Every Guy Should Go to a Hanson Concert

noreply@blogger.com (Jack Prey) — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 19:56:00 +0000

4 Reasons Every Guy Should Go to a Hanson Concert

I may be putting my manhood on the line by saying this is the second time in 2 years that I've seen Hanson live . . . but I will. The first time I went I concealed my love of MMMbop behind my girlfriend. I was just like every guy dragged there to watch their girlfriends salivate over Hanson. Did this mean that I had to get too drunk, yell, "That ass is mine!" when Taylor came out on stage and buy a woman's I HEART HANSON t-shirt? The answers no...I don't think there's really any excuse for that one.

Or for the fact that I went a second time. But as I stood at the show, looking out at a vast army of women while trying to block out the ear-splitting screams, I asked myself, "why shouldn't every man come to a Hanson concert?" I came up with this short––but convincing––list of why every guy should go to a Hanson concert:

4) What better place to find yourself a woman? The same sausage-saturated bar you strike out in every weekend? Or a place that will literally contain an army of women, high on Hanson and looking for the next best thing? I think the answer is quite easy on that one. Make sure to bring a spare blunt object (or Tapout t-shirt) to repel all the woman that will bombard you after the show!

3) If you're accompanied (or dragged) there by a special lady . . . automatic 100 points on the boyfriend board. Whether it's your first date or your 1,000th, you will have secured the best boyfriend award the year. And don't worry, when she's drooling over Taylor's devilish good-looks, you can take comfort in the wedding band securely fastened around his piano-playing ring finger.

2) A great excuse to drink. Honestly, who's going to give you the mile-long-you're-an-alcoholic stare when you go up to buy your 14th beer? You're a dude at a Hanson concert!

1) You get to see Hanson live. You know you've wanted too ever since you were elevan and called MMM Bop "gay" to your friends (but secretly had the whole album memorized).

... and now, for your viewing pleasure, MMMBOP!

What's your favorite Hanson memory?

Harry Potter: The Patronus of a Rockstar

noreply@blogger.com (Jack Prey) — Thu, 29 Sep 2011 07:43:00 +0000

Feeling limited by the somewhat lame choices of Patronuses out there (dove, stag, etc.), I felt the need to craft one of my own. This, simply put, is the Patronus Charm for the rockstar.

. . . and/or trailer park resident

Expecto BEERtronum

What Ever Happened To . . . Eiffel 65?

noreply@blogger.com (Jack Prey) — Wed, 14 Sep 2011 22:28:00 +0000

What Ever Happened To . . . Eiffel 65?

If you were to go into storage . . . deep into storage . . . into that special pile of storage in the back corner where you keep the strange disk-like objects that children today would simply stare at in wonder before tossing aside, you may find one that special disk-like object (a CD or Compact Disk!) that thrusts you back into the days of X-Brain yo-yo’s, Razor scooters and Pokemon Silver Version for Gameboy Color. Flipping this strange disk-like object over in your hand and blowing off the dust, the very title would simply take you . . . out of this world. I am, of course, referring to the album Europop by Eiffel 65.

The three-piece Italian electronic band went all the way to the Billboard top five with Europop, a feat no other Italian pop band has ever done in the U.S. They got their name from “special” computer technology back in ’99: the name generator. They were pioneers of electronic music, being one of the first artists to utilize Auto-Tune (voice vocoder) technology to make their voices sound like R2D2 farting in C3PO’s mouth (computer-correcting-shitty-voice technology has now been adapted by musical geniuses ranging from T-Pain to the Black Eyed Peas). Yes, Eiffel 65 was the beginning of the end.

We all remember moving our bodies to “Move Your Body,” identifying with the only song ever written about Playstation, “My Console,” and, of course, arguing about whether or not the lyrics were “DaBaDee, DabaDi” or “I’m in need of a guy.”

So, what ever happened to the musical visionaries of Eiffel?

Well, to begin, they were horrible. Noticing exactly how horrible they actually were (after producing 2 albums that nobody ever heard of), the band's DJ left to start his own solo project. The two remaining members went on to form a new band with equally shitty name, Bloom 06. Clearly, this worked out for them:

(I have no idea why they are posing with real instruments in this photo . . . they should be posing with Macbook Pros)

Going for a more “naturalistic” sound, Bloom 06 no longer sounds like R2D2 farting into C3PO’s mouth. Now, with only a “tasteful” use of Auto-tune, they sound like a pubescent Enrique Iglesias dry-humping Wall-E.

Nobody who looks like this . . .
should ever be that excited about the zoo
(keep your children close)

Due to public outcry (according to their official website poll, 65 people missed Eiffel 65 “very much”), they have put aside their differences and reformed!!! They are set to release a new single sometime in 2011.

It seems that we will see Eiffel 65 again in our lives in the near future. Then again . . . we probably won’t.

What memories does Eiffel 65 bring back for you?

Read mine in the comment box below and share yours with me!

Auto-Tune Your Life: what Cher, T-Pain and R2D2's puberty have in common and applying it to your life

noreply@blogger.com (Jack Prey) — Wed, 07 Sep 2011 22:59:00 +0000

Auto-Tune Your Life:

What Cher, T-Pain and R2D2's Puberty Have in Common and Applying it to Your Life

*This article was created with the aid of Auto-tune

Since its inception back in ‘98 with Cher’s hit song “Believe,” Auto-Tune has been a part of our daily lives. A phase vocoder, designed to digitally correct vocal and instrumental performances, Auto-tune is a device that has helped the poor, tone-deficient people of the world get a boost out of their performance. Through its unique ability to make the human voice sound like R2-D2 going through puberty, Auto-Tune has helped rappers all over the world write songs about compulsive, ass-shaking females named “Shorty.” Recently, Apple has implemented Auto-Tune in other ways, vastly pushing the envelope of human existence.

Apple is putting the “Auto” in iTunes with their recent release of iAutotune Your Life ’11 upgrade. This interactive, beautifully crafted app encompasses most facets of our everyday lives. It is compatible with Mac, ipad, iphone and ipod and starts at just $59.95. The ingenuity of iAutotune Your Life ’11 upgrade helps you cover even more for less. The highlights of this app include:

Auto-Tune Your Answer

Auto-Tune Your Answer is by far the most popular portion of iAutotune ’11 among students. It works using a simple internal scan that auto-corrects wrong answers on tests, homework and essays! You can even hook the transmitter up to your esophagus (comes in a stylish white or trendy silver), effectively correcting any wrong, in-class vocal responses. Now you can tackle any hard-to-answer questions your teacher may throw at you. This feature truly is revolutionizing schooling for the better!

Auto-Tune Your Car

Auto-Tune Your Car is an easy-to-use plugin. Just attach it to your car stereo using the Apple Stereo Connectivity kit (only $99.99) and watch as this app scans for internal problems, provides routine maintenance procedures and will even change your oil every three thousand miles. Now comes with all with stunning new full-screen views! Nascar drivers have even begun using it in order to win races across the nation, rendering pit crews antiquated.

Auto-Tune Your Body

Are your medical bills simply costing you too much money? Auto-tune your medical problems away . . . wirelessly! Simply connect Auto-Tune Your Body to any high-speed Wi-Fi connection and you’ll feel better in a heartbeat. Don’t bother with know-it-all doctors and time-consuming appointments anymore. Do it yourself!

Those are just a few of the benefits of iAutotune Your Life ’11. It’s also extremely easy to use. Each new upgrade comes with the “Zen of Auto-Tune” training manual, which teaches you how to digitally enhance nearly every part of your personal life. The new Auto-touch feature of iAutotune even does the laborious task of touch-screen touching for you, so you can kick back and relax! Whatever you want to be good at, iAutotune can help.

Apple isn’t the only company to hop onto the Auto-Tune bandwagon. Motorola recently announced its release of “Autotune Your Wife” on Xoom, however, news sources report that they had to push back the release date due to technological problems, the fact that nobody has a Xoom, and lack of the company name being “Apple.”

The government has even looked into utilizing Auto-tune in National Defense procedures. Reports have been issued that T-Pain units (humanized, android-like phase-vocoders) have been dispatched throughout the world to “auto-correct” problem nations. Government officials gave a “no comment” when further pressed about Auto-Tune being allegedly tooeffective.

Rumors are being circulated that this “plug-in miracle” is being put to use at the Louvre to make some minor touch ups on the Mona Lisa. Sources have confirmed that these rumors are false. Though the technology is there, it would be ridiculous to waste the valuable resource of Auto-Tune on such an antiquated piece of art.

iAutotune Your Life has, unfortunately, has sparked some controversy. Spoilsports across the country have been voicing their complaints about how iAutotune takes away jobs. The United Plumbers Union (UPU) gathered in protest this weekend after the announcement of Apple’s plans to release an iPlumbers Premium Plus attachment. The statistics show that plumber’s pants have dropped a quarter of an inch lower on their butt cracks due to overall sadness about future unemployment. We can expect similar protests to start up, as well.

However, Apple urges Auto-Tune users not to fret because iAutotune Your Life has now put everyone on the same level as the talented and hardworking. If Auto-Tune users stick together then soon everybody can be good at everything!

So go out and buy yourself iAutotune Your Life! Someday we’ll sit our grandchildren upon our knee (Auto-Tuned for optimal grandchild-sitting performance) and we’ll tell them about a time when we actually had to be good at things. A time when we actually had to dedicate time and practice in order to be rewarded for something. They will most likely stare back at us, wide-eyed with shock and gasping in horror, plagued by nightmares night after night. We will smile when we think back at what a waste of time that was. Then we’ll play some nice, classic music. We’ll lean back, fold our arms behind our heads and exhale a deep sigh of relief as we think, “Mozart ain’t got nothin’ on T-Pain.”

About Me

noreply@blogger.com (Jack Prey) — Tue, 06 Sep 2011 22:59:00 +0000

Ladies and Gentlemen,

My name

is Jack.

If this was my match.com profile, it would say,

"6’4, olive-skinned, rich but humble with a soft spot for puppies & charm as chiseled as my jaw line."

But this is not match.com -- this a blog about rock 'n roll . . . face-melting rock 'n roll.

... and pop-culture, music, celebrities, cynism, humor, rants, society and the overal life & times of a struggling rock star.

"Don't Compromise...SANITIZE"
I was such a happy camper

What I used to do? I spent six years working behind a customer service desk at a grocery store.

I was the punching bag of suburbia, absorbing the blow of lazy baggers, mislabeled prices and food that went bad...

What I do now? I'm a part-time writer and a full-time rocker in a little POP n' roll group . . . and we're so POPcore! In this band, I play a little keyboard, a dash of guitar and I do a little songwriting and ALOT of promoting.

What I want to do? I want to be a rock star. However, it's appearing to be easier said than done...

So in the mean time I like to mix my 22 years of musical experience with my cynical pop-culture perspective (not to mention my degree in Creative Writing) to give YOU the ultimate music blog.

Have Fun

and

Welcome to my blog . . .

This is According to My Blog.

Whatever Happened To . . . Lou Bega?

noreply@blogger.com (Jack Prey) — Thu, 19 May 2011 22:47:00 +0000

*Whatever Happened To . . . ? is a new segment of my blog in which I document/poke fun of the ill-fates of some of our most popular music icons of the past. Love ‘em or Hate ‘em, we all wonder whatever happened to ‘em.

Despite the ever-changing misinformation of Wikipedia, Lou Bega is not dead. Back in ’99, Lou Bega was a household name. Now, it is a name that has been all but forgotten despite the occasional ‘Mambo’ turn up on the ipod shuffle. It’s a name that strikes a deep sense of nostalgia in all age groups and ethnicities across the globe. It’s a name that coexists with the year 1999 . . . and it’s not even his real name:

Bega Misconceptions:

Lou Bega isn’t dead
Lou Bega’s real name is David Lubega
Lou Bega is not Latina . . . He’s German
Mambo No. 5 was a remake of 1950’s Perez Prado instrumental (Bega added lyrics)

Lou Bega taught me what Mambo was. He inspired within me a deep love of women and drinking gin and juice while simultaneously trying to avoid getting “beer bust.”

But where did he go???

American’s are fickle with their fads. Six months and a scratched CD about Cuban dance music, drinking and girls later, we had enough of Mr. Bega. He attempted a big comeback in 2007 with his release of Lounatic, but as we’ve never heard of the puntastically-titled album, we can safely assume it never made it to these shores.

He does have a new album out, though. Free Again (2010) is doing excellent as it’s been all the way to the tippy top of the charts (78^th) in Switzerland.

Furthermore, finding this lyrical treasure has not only awarded Mr. Bega the position of Whatever Happened To . . . ? but also Lyrics of the Week award in my blog.

Somehow his new single, “Sweet Like Cola” just doesn’t seem to compare to “Mambo No. 5.” I don’t know if it’s the lyrics or just the fact that he’s a 36 year-old man singing these lyrics, but it sure is fun!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2iC8CRKxvmQ

Stop your diet, baby, you don’t have to slim down
(down, down, don’t slim down)

I love you curves, and believe me it is every pound
(pound, pound, every pound)

Stop your diet, come on do it for me
(for me, do it for me)

I love you round, round, round cause you’re so sexy
(oh yes she is!)

Lyrics of the Week: Beyonce's "Girls" and the Art of Grinding

noreply@blogger.com (Jack Prey) — Sun, 08 May 2011 01:56:00 +0000

*Lyrics of the Week: a fresh new slice of my blog. It is a section where I commend the work of lazy lyricists and celebrate the crap that comes out of some of these “artists” mouths

This week, let us take a deep look beneath the surface of Beyonce’s new hit “Girls (Who Run the

World).” I’m sure it will do wonders for women’s rights.

This song kicks off with these well-crafted phrases (repeated for effect!):

“Girls, we run this motha (yeah!) [x4]

Who run the world? Girls! [x4]

Beyonce lays down a power move here. Although it may be on the risky side, who can argue with a good old, glorified “girls rule and boys drool” anthem? Sure it may have restricted her audience by 50%, but when us guys see the ass-shaking, celebration-of-womanhood that goes on to this song, we'll hardly care.

“Some of them men think they freak this like we do.
But no they don't”

Let me tell you, typing those lyrics really pissed my Microsoft Word right off – I can tell by the explosion green squiggly lines!

This verse really packs a punch, doesn’t it? Lately, I have caught myself thinking that I “freak” like women do. I now realize that I don’t.

“Make your cheques come at they neck,
Disrespect us no they won't.”

At first, I thought the reason I didn’t understand what the hell this meant was because of the extremely white tenor of my skin. On second look, however, I realize that these lyrics are of such highfalutin metaphoric quality that they are beyond human comprehension. With such a great butcherment of the English language, I see no reason why women would receive disrespect.

“I think I need a barber
None of these hoes can fade me.”

Looky here . . . a play on words! The complexity of this song really comes out here. See, a hoe is a disrespectful term for a woman. However, this is a song that is trying to get respect for women. So by referring to women as hoes . . . I think the logic is just beyond my capabilities, as a man, to understand. (For a fun inner-look at the status of humanity, type “hoe” into urban dictionary)
“Boy I'm just playing, come here baby
Hope you still like me, If you hate me”

I’ll leave you with ?
“I'm repping for the girls who taking over the world
Have me raise a glass for the college grads”

Hey girls who are college grads, isn’t it nice to have a rep who never attended college? Judging by the way she strings together these sentences, she just didn’t need it
“Get on your grind
To the other men that respect what I do
Please accept my shine”

Yes, women, please ‘get on your grind!’ When I see just how precise you rub your genetalia against a random man at the club, I can’t help but say, “How evolved! Look, friends, now that is a sophisticated woman!” I respect what you do, thanks for the ‘shine.’

And, without further ado, the gem of the whole song:

“This goes out to all my girls
That's in the club rocking the latest
Who will buy it for themselves and get more money later.”

This wins the lyric of the week. Just take it in, I’ll leave it up to you do break this one down.

Thank you, Beyonce, for changing my stereotype of the woman. I didn’t realize how hard a life of grinding was. You’ve earned my respect, girls really do run this motha!

'Till This Song Ends (please hurry up): A review of the review of Britney Spears’ new album Femme Fatale

noreply@blogger.com (Jack Prey) — Thu, 07 Apr 2011 20:53:00 +0000

Perusing the iTunes shelf, I couldn’t help but come across a name that brought back a lot of childhood memories: Britney Spears. Easy Target? Yes.

However, she is not my target. Nor are her producers, whom I thank for recreating the experience of listening to a scratched CD desperately trying to play. No, this review is not about that.

Nor is this a review that will poke fun at the lyricists, whose minds are as deep as the Grand Canyon. “I can’t take it anymore. Never felt like this before. Come on get me on the floor. DJ whatchyou waitin for?” Life changing? Yes! And that’s just the pre chorus. Let me see if I have enough space to analyze the chorus lyrics . . . I do! Here it is:

“Oh.”

But not just any “oh.” A long series of “oh’s.” Worse yet, somebody thought it would be a great idea to put in hours of editing to make this long serious of oh’s sound like something I could create simply by swiping the CD around in a nice pit of gravel. For those of you who’ve only had ipods this may be a refreshingly new experience and for the rest of us it may be nostalgic, but it’s an experience that makes me really wish itunes would go back to shortening their song preview time. No, I will refrain from making fun of the lyricists.

Ultimately, this album will be successful. It’s already getting five stars across the board from the brain dead. The people that like Britney’s nasally, child-like voice (now with AUTUNE upgrade!) will jump on this album, thinking, “wow, she’s really grown as an artist” (did anybody else laugh at this statement?). I’ll be destined to hear this at every club and bar I go into. I'll inevitably watch an army of sluts dance to "Till the World Ends" in such a way that proves the theory of evolution. That happens with most dance hits these days. It’ll be gone as quickly as it came, so that’s not my real qualm.

The real problem I have is with the lazy bastards who wrote the itunes Notes for this album.

They began the review with, “Oops, she did it again.”

Can you believe it? This was cliché back in the 90’s. Do you think these reviewers gave themselves a big high five after coming up with this hook? I sure hope not. It’s unoriginal, uncreative, and just plain lazy. But then again . . . it’s a review of Britney Spears, so I suppose it fits.

Who am I kidding, everyone that had anything to do with this album is my target . . .

*The definition of Femme Fatale is a “an irresistibly attractive woman, especially one who leads men into difficult, dangerous, or disastrous situations; siren.”

Is anybody going to tell her that she’s no longer that 18-year-old schoolgirl or are we all just going to continue to let her embarrass herself?

Like A Rock? Well That's An Understatement . . .

noreply@blogger.com (Jack Prey) — Tue, 08 Mar 2011 10:38:00 +0000

Music Reviews:

A look back at a God-given classic.

There's Beethoven. There's Bach. There's Bob.

Back in 1986, a piece of God fell from the heavens. This small chunk of God manifested itself deep within the heart soul of one chosen human being. From the bowels of the chosen one's beard, unruly enough to haven beetle larvae, came the lyrics that changed the world . . . and from his Silver Bullet Band, came the music that pierced our hearts.

The chosen one was a man named Bob Seger.

The piece of God that fell from heaven, "Like a Rock."

It goes without saying that the dulcet whine of Rick Vito’s slide guitar (which, ironically, can only be played alone in a Wheatfield at midnight) lulls the heartbeat of America to sleep every night. The gaze of Seger pierces our dreams as he watches over us like one would lean upon a car and gaze into the past while waiting for a train to pass. When twenty years have gone by and we start to wonder where they’ve gone . . . don’t ask Bob. He’s wondering too.

The literary device of simile is at play in this song to show us, over and over, how comparable Bob Seger is to a rock.

Not a pebble.

Not a stone.

A rock. It’s also important to note that it’s a simile, which means he’s not THE Rock (now known as Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson); he’s LIKE a rock.

To digress, the slide solo is so fat it is responsible for the obesity epidemic in America. The raspiness of Seger’s voice is responsible for the thousands of people that die each day from smoking. The tickling of the ivories? Well that's responsible for the creation of life, the miracle of birth. Now we know . . .

The reason Chevy chose to use this song as a symbol of their trucks is because you will need a truck with the dexterity of a Chevy to carry your soul through the rugged terrain and mountainous landscape this song will take it on.

We all can learn something from man who worked for peanuts, yet still stood tall and believed in his dreams. Until you can wear all black in a dandruff-free manor, while standing on a railroad track with nothing but a Les Paul and your pride strapped on your back, you do not know what it means to be

Like A Rock.

Adventures In Parking

noreply@blogger.com (Jack Prey) — Sat, 05 Mar 2011 23:34:00 +0000

VHYGVR2FK3YD

The concept of parking seems ridiculous to anybody that really thinks about it. You spend thousands of dollars to buy a car for one purpose: to transport you from one place to another (and/or score chicks). Then you spend thousands of dollars on maintenance and repairs for that car. You pay insurance, emissions and registration fees. Most importantly, you pay weekly (unless you’re one of those $1.70 per day people) to put gas in the thing. And then you pay parking.

That’s right. Let me give you $4.50 to place my transportation device in this space for an hour while I go eat.

My name is Jack . . . and I am a victim of parking.

My first infraction was a few months ago.