No heartburn in the middle of the night! Fantastic! Except…my legs went all funny. My skin felt tight, they were sensitive to touch and slightly achy. Reading this article sent me to panic stations and I phoned my gynae. They said if the pain gets any worse or if there is swelling and it doesn’t improve when I rest with my legs up, I should call so that they could move up my appointment. So I kept my feet up at work for as long as possible yesterday. Sitting with your feet up at a desk is not as comfortable as you would think, despite being told you should ‘put your feet up’ to relax your entire life. Crossing your legs is also a big no no.

So we removed the bricks from under the bed last night and when I woke up this morning it was considerably better *phew*. Just water retention then, still unpleasant though. I never thought water retention hurt, but apparently it does! I also woke up with heartburn again in the middle of the night. Looks like Gaviscon will be making a small fortune from me after all. No. Milk does not work.

Last night Sarah came over for some girl time. I haven’t seen her for a very long time so it was nice to spend some time with her. We very self consciously played with my new Sing Star game, until we realized that absolutely no skill is required to score. As long as the sound you are making fills up the bar on the screen, you’re winning. Singing the song the way you think it sounds or should sound will score you no points! Interesting that!

I really wanted Sarah to feel Babyice kick. He’s generally pretty lazy and if he does kick he only does it once or twice before he settles down again. He must have found a very comfortable spot in there. At some point he was moving around a bit and I told Sarah to put her hand on my tummy. About 10 seconds after she did he gave her a big kick right where her hand was and sort of dragged his foot around where she was feeling. It was so awesome! He’s only ever kicked directly at my own hand (he has done this once) and she says she’s never felt a baby kick like that After that he settled down again. She e-mailed me today saying it was the highlight of her evening

I hope Rudi doesn’t have darts tonight. The league is busy playing finals and he might be required to attend. I would rather we play some Sing Star and perhaps I will even take another bash at baking a cake. Don’t fear! MeeA gave me a recipe she swears is full proof. She didn’t say fool proof…so there’s always a possibility I could stuff it up

You can say anything about me, but you can’t say I’m cowardly to try something again…even if it failed miserably the first time.

This boy, he is quite clear about being non committal. He is also quite clear about the fact that he wouldn’t think twice to call you up if he needed/wanted to get laid. So confident. So outspoken. So attractive. A player, through and through. In the past (obviously before I met Rudi) I might have been charmed by such a man. I would have thought ‘It will be different with me’. Pffft. No matter how many times you are told you can’t change a man, a lot of us still seem to think we can. Even after reading this post, women will still think they can. Every guy has got to settle down eventually, right? If I give him everything he wants, surely that can be me? That plan never paid off for me. Ever. I’ve had my heart shattered that way a number of times. Let’s just say I’m a little thick skinned myself.

If a boy tells you outright he doesn’t want a relationship – believe him. He doesn’t want one. He isn’t going to want one with you because you’re special/different. You are probably an amazing person, but that doesn’t mean he wants you. If/when he finds the woman he wants, she will know it. He will tell her. The truth is, even if someone told me this outright, if I desired his love/attention/time I would have given up whatever it was he was asking for to get it. I might be right about all that I am saying right now, but that is not because I know better. I’m just able to see these things now that I am standing on the outside of these situations. I wish I had been able to see these things when I was in them.

I would probably have done a lot differently when it comes to men, specifically, if I knew then what I know now. I might have known that having sex with teenage boys is quite unsatisfying. They’re so inexperienced! Sure, they have to practice with somebody, but that didn’t have to be me

All I’m really trying to say is, LISTEN to what men are telling you. Most players are pretty open and honest about what they are/want and don’t necessarily lie to get into your pants. They’re still douche bags though. You just need to be sure your hearing isn’t selective.  You can’t change a man. Really. I promise. He will only change himself  if/when he wants to.

I count my blessings that I met Rudi when I did. Heaven knows where I would have ended up if I hadn’t. I am blessed with a good man. He isn’t perfect and I often want to throttle him, but he is a good man. Sometimes I still wonder what I have done to deserve him. I am a very lucky woman indeed.

Over the weekend I wanted to get a new PS2 game, seeing as how Rudi and I are both too retarded to get past level 4 on Sonic Heroes. I really wanted the Sing Star game and since Rudi still hasn’t gotten me a birthday gift he said we should go and get it. We made a few calls, one to Reggies. Even though we weren’t able to find a Sing Star game with microphones, I enquired about the car seat we still need for Babyice. Turns out they had stock! I asked them to call me when they got in, which they obviously didn’t. Immediately we (well, I) waddled (Rudi just walked normally) off to the mall and finally bought our car seat for Babyice. It’s the last ‘essential’ large purchase that needed to be made. We could probably get by on what we have now, although I’m pretty sure there are millions of people who have to make do with less. While we were roaming around in Reggies we happened to see the play gym that was bought for us. It’s R900.00!!!! Holy crap-a-doodle! Babyice is super spoilt!!! I am uber blessed to have such generous in laws!

On Sunday I was telling Richard (who designed my blog) that we couldn’t find Sing Star anywhere…and he said ‘Uh, why don’t you look on the net?’. DUH. Why didn’t I just? I found the game WITH two microphones on Kalahari for just R340.00! I ordered Sing Star Legends which has the following songs on it:

  Aretha Franklin – Respect

  Barry White – You’re The First, The Last, My Everything

  Black Sabbath – Paranoid

  Blur – Parklife

  David Bowie – Life On Mars?

  Depeche Mode – Enjoy The Silence

  Dusty Springfield – Son Of A Preacher Man

  Ella Fitzgerald & Louis Armstrong – Let’s Call The Whole Thing Off

  Elton John – Rocket Man

  Elvis Presley – Blue Suede Shoes

  Jackie Wilson – Reet Petite (The Finest Girl You Ever Want To Meet)

  John Lennon – Imagine

  Johnnny Cash – Ring Of Fire

  Lynyrd Skynyrd – Sweet Home Alabama

  Madonna – Papa Don’t Preach

  Marvin Gaye – I Heard It Through The Grapevine

  Nirvana – Smells Like Teen Spirit

  Patsy Cline – Crazy

  Pet Shop Boys – Always On My Mind

  Roxy Music – Love Is The Drug

  Sam Cooke – What A Wonderful World

  The Jackson 5 – I Want You Back

  The Monkees – Daydream Believer

  The Police – Roxanne

  The Righteous Brothers – Unchained Melody

  The Rolling Stones – Sympathy For The Devil

  The Smiths – This Charming Man

  Tina Turner – What’s Love Got To Do With It?

  U2 – Vertigo

  Whitney Houston – The Greatest Love Of All

I am so excited to get it! It should arrive today or tomorrow. Yay!

We started the evening at Wakame and later on moved to Forries in Newlands. We had a ton of fun, but as I was working the next day we couldn’t stay too late. Rudi reckons Forries is much better than Wakame and we should start the tweetups there in future…I’m sure the sushi fans would have a heart attack! I must say…the Forries pizzas did look a lot more appetizing than the asian food. I’m not into asian food. Italian food is more my thing!

I can’t wait till the next tweetup, it’s always such a lot of fun. I’m quite fond of the regulars. I’m hoping next time it’s a bit closer to home! I’ll have to organize one in the northern suburbs so all the Twitter peeps can see what it is like on this side of the proverbial ‘boerewors curtain’

The highlight of the evening? Pinkhairgirl letting me feel her boobs:

Pinkhairgirl being fondled

P.S. They are fantastic! I want my own pair!

Step by step how it went:

Prepared

So far so good...

After this things started going pear shaped….

This looks too thick :S

Baking...not very well

This looks more like a scone!

Two halves cooling

At least the icing turned out well!

The cover up begins

Filling the gaps

Decorating #fail. Had to redo it.

The end product

Although I managed to cover up the scones cake pretty well…it doesn’t taste great. It’s dense and heavy. I have a feeling I somehow messed up converting grams to millilitres (I don’t have a kitchen scale). Luckily the icing tastes great and an entire tin of caramel seem to compensate for the actual cake part. Eish.

And in direct contrast to my epic baking fail, Angel also took the time and made the effort to bake for Jamie’s birthday. Thank you from the bottom of my heart, Angel. I am honoured that you baked for her (Angel did this without knowing that I decided to honour Jamie by baking for her) and deeply touched that you did this for her and for me.

The cupcakes (I am completely outdone. Angel is, however, a pro!)

Jamie's Cupcakes by Angel

Thank you to everyone who sent messages of support and poured out their love on this difficult day. I coped surprisingly well and cried a lot less than I anticipated. Love you all!

I can’t believe it’s been a year since you were born and went to heaven. Sometimes it seems like it all happened yesterday. Sometimes it feels like it happened 10 years ago. Time is slippery, isn’t it?

Mommy misses you and still thinks about you all the time.  I really think that you are much happier where you are now than you would ever have been here with us. I know you understand we knew it would be best to send you to heaven. Our world held nothing but pain and suffering for you and we did not want you to go through that.

Mommy regrets never holding you. I’m sorry I was such a coward, but my heart couldn’t bear it at the time. In hindsight I would have held you, if only just once. I don’t want you ever to think that I didn’t hold you because I don’t love you. I always will. You will be in my heart forever, until I get to see you again. I’ll hold you then for the longest time. I promise.

I’m sure you know it’s almost time for your brother to be with us. Aunty Nellie thinks you picked him out specially for mommy and daddy. In a few short months he will be here keeping us out of mischief. We are very excited about meeting him. We’re doing our best to prepare for his arrival…as best we know how. We don’t know very much, but we have lots of friends and family that are more than willing to help us along…and of course we have you. I just know you will help mommy…move my instincts in the right direction and guide me.

We are doing much better than we were a year ago, although our hearts are still healing. Today will be a sad day for us and perhaps one day this time of year will be less sad.

This hasn’t exactly been one of the best letters I’ve ever written, but you understand that it has been the hardest letter I’ve ever had to write. Next year I’ll try to write a better one.

Loving you and missing you always,

Mommy

My Evil Mother hasn’t contacted me yet today. Yet. I have church tonight and I don’t want to go because I anticipate she is going to be there. She actually puts a damper on the whole experience. I just know when I exit the church she will be there crying. To anyone that will listen. On Sunday she slid in next to my grandmother and started crying on her shoulder (literally). I walked away and by the time I got to the parking lot she was standing there crying by my grandmother’s car. Pitiful. Convenient that she then has an audience of people who have just come out of church, isn’t it? Orchestrated much? *sigh* I am not the least bit interested in seeing that show, so I’ve considered moving congregations for a little while. There is a church much closer to our house that I am supposed to be going to (you are supposed to attend in the area you live in, if possible), but I attend our congregation because my grandparents are there.  I mentioned it to my grandfather this morning and he didn’t seem too upset about it. It will only be temporary though, until she realizes I’m not playing her game. If that message ever gets through to her.

So tomorrow it will be a year since this happened. I had a hard time deciding what I wanted to do for Jamie’s birthday. I did not want it to go by without being acknowledged. I’ve written her a letter (as best I could while sobbing away behind the keyboard) which I will publish tomorrow and I’ve decided I’m going to bake her a birthday cake. One with her name on. I don’t usually bake, so I consider it a special effort. I don’t even have cake tins! I’ll have to go and get supplies after work.

I will post pictures.

Yesterday morning she phones me all in tears. I must phone my grandfather. She doesn’t know why. <– Load of shit.  They (her husband, father in law and herself) are being kicked out of the place where they are staying and she is on the street. Repeatedly asking me if she can move in with me. I repeatedly tell her to fly a kite. Oh it’s crisis! She’ll have to sleep in the street tonight…blah blah blah. She phones Rudi behind my back. She asks him to speak to me, as if he will change my mind. She does this ALL the time. She plays couples off against each other and tries to get them to talk each other into doing what she wants. She does it with my aunt and uncle and as well my grandparents. It has worked before. She’ll guilt one of them into guilting their partner. Pity I’m not that gullible. I tell Rudi he can go play in the traffic and get his own place if he wants to shack up with her, which of course, he doesn’t.

Finally I have a hard copy of a conversation between My Evil Mother and I. I often forget things that were said, but since this was a SMS exchange I can show you exactly how it went down.

Her: Do you want the couch?

Me: Depends how much

Her: Surely you know what I want

Me: If it what I have repeatedly told you “No” for, then you can keep it.

Her: U not stupid, but now u being very dumb

Me: Not in the mood for games. Say what you want or leave it.

Her: You said no

Me: Then it is no. I don’t see why you are still confused.

Her: U said no – Game over [Ed: here she is implying she will kill herself. This has happened before]

Me: Been down this road with you before as well. I learn my lessons.

Her: Sad

Me: Perhaps if you take ownership of your life and problems you will stop getting into these kinds of situtations. If you continue to guilt trip me or cause me any more stress or worry I will be forced to break contact with you. My child is my first priority and I am not taking any chances with his wellbeing.

Her: All I know is I am crying for help and u won’t help me. I am not guilt tripping you

Me: No matter what we do for you further down the line we will have to walk this road with you again. It happens over and over. You have already drained us financially as much as we would allow and yet you want more. It will never be enough. The kind of help you need, I am not qualified to offer.

Her: How is it that u only remember the bad

Me: Because it overwhelms the good by so much and I do not foresee it changing.

Her: Please just one last chance

Me: No.

Her: U all advise me to leave but won’t help me do it

Me: I think it is high time you help yourself otherwise this vicious circle will continue to turn.

Her: I can’t do it alone

Me: You actually can. You’re just so used to other people solving your problems that you think you are not capable. If you were really that desperate, you would find a way. I suggest you stop focusing on what everyone else can do for you and help yourself. Imagine the possibilities.

Her: You bought me this for my b’day love is enduring and patient and kind

Me: It will only endure so much, be so patient and be so kind until tough love is required.

Thereafter, silence. She called me crying again this morning. She is a thick skinned one. She seems to think if she asks me enough, I’ll cave. She is mistaken. Rudi and I work very hard to have our home. We enjoy coming home in the evenings to be in each other’s company, to relax, to unwind from a hard day’s work. She will rob us of that and our privacy. She must be smoking crack. She actually might be. There is NO WAY IN HELL that I will allow her to stay there. I don’t care if she needs to stay there for 3 hours with her stuff before being able to move in somewhere else, NO. She’ll never leave.

This is another reason why I did not want her to come on Sunday. It’s like you open the door a crack and she bursts in…luggage in tow. Forget about it.

If she didn’t stress out my grandparents so much I would have no reason to contact her or to let her contact me. I try to buffer where I can, but it is very difficult. She will continue to take advantage of them as long as they let her and I cannot prevent that. I can counsel them and advise them, but that is all I can do. My grandfather, being the compassionate man he is falls for her emotional manipulation most often. In a way he enables her. I wonder what she is going to do when he is no longer there.

*sigh* Someone PLEASE make her go away!

Remember I was sick in May? I had flu which turned into bronchitis and then developed a secondary infection. At the time my doctor was in America (also attending a conference) and I was treated by another doctor in his practice. What a quack. I had to go back to him 3 times. Only the 3rd time I went back to him did he take me really seriously and stopped trying to treat me with over the counter meds. At that point I was so ill I required antibiotics, cortisone injections and and and…

Since being so sick in May my chest had never quite been right. It would randomly close up and start wheezing. So loudly that Rudi could hear it and it prevented him from sleeping. It would clear itself up pretty quickly though and would be fine for a day or two and since I couldn’t predict when it would close up, I didn’t go to the doctor.

It was all downhill from Monday though…my chest closed up and didn’t open again. By yesterday it had gotten worse instead of better and I decided to go to the doctor (and deplete my last bit of medical aid with that appointment).

My doctor suspects I have low level asthma (but wrote bronchitis on my doctor’s certificate). He immediately booked me for physiotherapy which includes being nebulized with cortisone beforehand. He also gave me a nasal spray and pump which I need to use twice a day. The medication alone was R670.00 (and completely safe for baby). Add to that two doctor’s appointments (I have to see him again on Monday after work) – R500.00 and 3 sessions of physio – R210.00.  It never rains, but it pours. I only had enough money left in my medical aid for one doctor’s appointment so the rest is out of pocket – not to mention all my upcoming gynae appointments and tests required.

After physio yesterday I started coughing violently and it did seem that the fluid on my chest started to come out rather than just move around. The physiotherapist said it did sound a bit better today, which means we will probably be able to avoid antibiotics as my doctor is trying to do. I really hope this sorts my chest out once and for all. I told my doctor about how my chest has been giving me problems since May and he reckons it really never got better properly. That’s one thing I love about my doctor. He sorts you out properly the first time.

Almost 6 years ago I had an asmathic infection and he prescribed the same pump and physio, it worked. I’m positive it will work again. Last time I was able to take antibiotics, but since it’s already getting better I’m hoping it won’t be necessary.

Of course my boss is being an ass about me being off. I let him know yesterday that I had been to the doctor and had been booked off for the rest of the week. His reply was ‘What is the reason?’. I told him and he didn’t respond. No, ok, fine, fuck you, nothing. I am the 3rd person in my team off sick this week though. I have been coughing rather badly since the start of the week and it is evident I really am sick, so I’m not bothered!

To health!

Pile on top of that the fact that I’m sick and you have all the ingredients for a pity party for one. I developed a cough around Sunday night and it’s getting quite chesty. The constant coughing is also making my throat sore…something I loathe. I haven’t stayed home yet and don’t really see the point of paying a doctor R300.00 if he can’t prescribe me medicine. Maybe it will just go away. If it gets any worse I suppose I’ll be forced to go to the doctor, but I’m not going to be happy if medication is required. Things are going really well with this pregnancy and I don’t want to do anything to jeopardize it.

So today I’m going to be a whiny bitch and tomorrow I might just decide not to get out of bed.