THE ACORN KING.

Living Photograph

2009-12-16T17:07:00.000-08:00

This is brilliant. It's a living photograph titled: "Chris With Teacup."

All work by "The Acorn King" is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License

Cat In A Box

2009-12-15T08:43:00.000-08:00

Looking for a bank to sink your hard earned recession dollars in? May I suggest this lovely Japanese boxed cat bank.

All work by "The Acorn King" is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License

Get Your Basketball On!

2009-12-13T11:31:00.000-08:00

Charlie Murphy is back! Check out these new motivational speaking videos, where he plays the guy (Leroy Smith) that beat Michael Jordan out for the last spot on his High School basketball team. Glad to see you're back, Charlie!

All work by "The Acorn King" is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License

My 2009 Christmas Shopping List.

2009-11-19T09:54:00.000-08:00

Ok folks, want something awesome for the holidays? Want to get me something awesome for the holidays? May I suggest a shirt that actually shreds. I'm not sure why the guy on bass doesn't have one, but he needs to get one!

THE PLAYABLE GUITAR SHIRT (From Think Geek)

All work by "The Acorn King" is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License

Album Cover Challenge.

2009-10-20T16:06:00.000-07:00

I originally posted this Bell Biz Dafoe album cover on my Buzz Feed page, if you're not following that...sign up now! Some people came back with some pretty creative responses, shown below. If you have any of your own, sign up and post them to my Buzz Feed account!

All work by "The Acorn King" is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License

Paris Hilton & Brick Tamland Love Things

2009-10-18T10:49:00.000-07:00

I was noticing some similarities between Paris Hilton & Brick Tamland (from Legend of Ron Burgandy), so I edited this video together. Enjoy. *Original Paris Hilton edits courtesy of FourFour.

All work by "The Acorn King" is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License

What's Up Down-Under.

2009-10-17T10:46:00.000-07:00

G'day! I was looking at the analytics for my blog today (pushes imaginary glasses up nose and geekily snorts to self) and I noticed that outside The States, the second most traffic to my blog has come from Australia—followed by Canada and The UK. I'm not sure exactly how I have a following in Australia, but thank you for stopping by, even if it was on accident.

Hopefully this posting will not alienate a large amount of the small following I have. As many of you know, I work in advertising and recently had a chance to create some commercials for a certain awesome Australian lager. The commercials have been well received here in The States, but there still might be a few Australian's who think we're making fun of them, but we're not at all, if anything we're making fun of Americans for being little wussies. I love Australians! After all, you're the continent that brought us Mad Max, how bad ass is that? Very. You also brought us the boomerang! The first time I actually got one to work, I ducked and my kitchen window caught it. And let's not forget Men At Work, Paul Hogan, Jako (the precursor to the Energizer bunny), Sir Howard Walter Florey (co-discoverer of penicillin), and supermodel Elle MacPherson! So hopefully you don't take offense to the commercials, we're only having some fun. Click on the link below to check them out, If you like them give them a 5-Star rating and I'll owe you an American stereotype in my next commercial.

>Check Them Out Here<

All work by "The Acorn King" is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License

Oh Balloon Boy, What Will You Do Next?

2009-10-17T09:35:00.000-07:00

All work by "The Acorn King" is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License

Tech Savvy Homeless Man

2009-10-15T02:07:00.000-07:00

All work by "The Acorn King" is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License

In My Day...

2009-10-13T13:04:00.000-07:00

Back in my day, our iPods didn't have touch screens. You had to crank through your songs with a scroll wheel...that actually moved! This wheel used to get beach sand stuck in it and stick, plus it was heavy as a brick compared to the new fangled iPods that the kids have today. And it only came in one color, white. And the screen had no colors! And it didn't get internet! And it would only hold 5 gigs! And it couldn't locate the nearest Starbucks to me! And it couldn't hold photos, or play video! IT ONLY PLAYED MUSIC!!! Kids today have it so easy.

All work by "The Acorn King" is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License

My Weather Man Is Crazy.

2009-10-09T15:05:00.001-07:00

I live in LA, so it's always 80 degrees and sunny. We seriously never have rain, and when it does happen to sprinkle for 60 seconds it happens at 4 in the morning. So meteorologists have little to do out here. My local weather guy (Mark Thompson) annoys the shit out of me, because when he gives the weather...all he does is dance....and badly. C'mon man, at least fake like you're doing something!

All work by "The Acorn King" is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License

Fancy Cat, not Cat Fancy

2009-08-18T00:15:00.000-07:00

I stumbled upon this enema kit for cats the other day. I'm rarely taken back when I see products catering to unique pet needs, but this one sort of grossed me out. I couldn't see myself sticking a water syringe up anyone's a-hole, much less a cat. How do you even know your cat is constipated? You can easily tell if a dog is, because you walk it several times a day, but cats poop on their own. I mean, if I owned a cat and didn't have to clean the litter box for a few days I'd feel fortunate. I wouldn't immediately start looking for ways to manually excavate my pet's colon.

Has anyone out there actually had to do this? Is anyone out there doing this right now?

If you answered "yes," would you consider coming over and snaking my dogs pipes? McGruff hasn't pooped in a few days. However, if you plan on giving him an enema, you'll have to talk him out of his London Fog coat first—he's very fond of flashing joggers in the park.

All work by "The Acorn King" is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License

My New Blogs

2009-07-07T09:25:00.000-07:00

Hey all, sorry I haven't updated in the past couple months. My job has been keeping me busy, taking me to such exotic locations as Chicago—where the beer flows like water and fanny-packs are the daily uniform. Now I'm back home from my travels, getting ready to shoot some new commercials for Foster's Beer in a few weeks. I think it's Australian for beer, or something, so keep an eye peeled for those on TV next month.

I've also started two new blogs: "How The F Did That Get There?" and "Handsome Mannequin."

I started How The F with a few of my friends out in Chicago. The idea is that anytime you see a random item on the side of the road (one sneaker, underwear, three tube socks) you always wonder how it got there and you know it has to have a story behind it. We're taking pictures of any random discarded items we see and then leaving it up to everyone else to tell the story of How The F it got there (in the comments section). Stop by and leave your story.

My second new blog, Handsome Mannequin, is a pretty simple one. I see a handsome mannequin, I take a picture of it and I post it on the blog for everyone to enjoy. That's about it. So check those out if you're bored. Hope all is well out there, I'm expecting welcome back gifts to start pouring in any day now.

All work by "The Acorn King" is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License

Talk To Strangers.

2009-04-23T00:15:00.000-07:00

So I discovered a random online chat service a couple weeks ago, it's called Omegle and by "random," I mean random.

When you first log-on the computer pairs you up with a total stranger. You don't know their age, if they are a guy, girl, or mythical beast. You don't know where they live, or even if they like the band Toto. You don't know anything and this is where the hi-jinx ensues. Basically, whatever the first person types is what starts the conversation, so I decided to have a little fun with this. Here are the first three conversations I had on Omegle.

I WANT TO EAT SOME BABIES.

WHAT WOULD YOU DO WITH $1,000?

DID YOU DO IT?

All work by "The Acorn King" is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License

SCIENTISTS AGREE. STRIPPERS GRAVITATE TOWARD VENUS.

2009-04-16T00:03:00.000-07:00

Nestled away in our corner of the universe is a very special planet, a planet with a dream to shed its sulfuric acid rains and adopt the creature comforts that come with having a stable atmosphere. This planet is known simply as Venus.

Venus, named after the Roman goddess of love, is the second brightest natural object in the night sky, second only to the moon. But you don’t need a telescopic tube, or a Richard Branson flying space machine, to explore the surface of Venus, because she can be amorously ogled right here on earth, taking her clothes off for money at pretty much any nudie bar.

Of all the planets, it’s unknown why Venus is the most popularly stripped under. Mars isn’t a bad name, but I guess that’s only where men are from. How about Pluto? Naw, I suppose that conjures images of that Disney dog. Uranus? Well, that’s self-explanatory. So maybe I get it. Venus is the only planet in our solar system named after a female figure and after-all, they are both carbon-based entities hurling through space, but the parallels don't stop there.

Much like their sister planet, Earth’s Venus’ manage to thrive, despite having to exist in a volatile atmosphere. Cloaked beneath a thick layer of smoke and bad makeup, Earth’s Venus’ are sonically bombarded by the violent collisions of empty beer glasses and the deafening screeches of bad hair bands. Its known inhabitants are pervish creatures, flaccidly humping-away at the American dream, one creased dollar at a time. But it’s that dollar that keeps Venus rotating.

While Venus (the planet) rotates around the sun,
Venus (the stripper) chooses to rotate around a pole.

Human astronauts have yet to successfully land on the surface of Venus (the planet). While human men, and occasionally women, have completed countless missions to Venus (the stripper).

The planet Venus is the second planet from the sun.
The stripper Venus is often the runner-up in life.

The planet Venus has the densest atmosphere of all the terrestrial planets. The stripper Venus is usually, well, just dense.

While space men don’t know what viruses, if any, exist on the planet Venus. Earth men are quite certain a multitude of viruses exist on our stripper version.

Planet Venus is located right in the heart of our galaxy. Stripper Venus is located not too far off the interstate, probably in that seedy little bar nestled behind the Galaxy Bowl.

Hopefully this entry will help resolve at least some of the cosmic unknown that has troubled astronomers since the dawn of the 1960’s. Now scientists can once again position their telescopes not at the neighbor’s window, but up at the night sky.

And when your local strip club DJ projects into the mic: “Welcome to the stage, Venus. Venus everybody, put your hands together for Venus.” Just think about how many light years it’s taken for that name to travel. Then raise a buck as tribute to the cosmos above and all the heavenly bodies that mirror her image below.

All work by "The Acorn King" is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License

The Miracle Collaboration

2009-04-12T10:16:00.000-07:00

Today is Easter Sunday, that magical time when we remember Jesus' glorious resurrection from the dead — which we celebrate by chomping on chocolate easter bunnies and gourmet jellybeans. But I guess I do feel better about drooling down the neck of a decapitated chocolate bunny, than the torso of a chocolate Jesus. That could just be weird. So, in celebration of this miraculous of miraculous days, I would like to announce a slightly less miraculous event (yet much funnier). I (The Acorn King) will now be contributing to the pants-shittingly funny website "Are You F---ing Kidding Me." That's twice the funny, for triple the freeness! As a kick-off to this awesome event, here's a classic post from the Grand Poobah (Monkey) of RUFKM. Happy Easter!

KNEEL BEFORE ZUMBA! (by Loose Cannon of RUFKM.net)
It’s not every day you meet your hero. I did just that while having some general maintenance and repairs done on my car. This was at a store that my friend’s parent’s owned that I have known for over 20 years.

When I walked into “Firestone” (not the name of the business) the manager, Dave (the real name of the man), was sitting behind his desk wearing their standard issue red logo polo shirt. It wasn’t until he stood up that I realized I was about to meet most inspirational man on Earth. It was an amazing sight. Dave was wearing the aforementioned shirt, tucked into Zubaz Zebra Pants. Are you F—ing kidding me?

I’m not sure if you are familiar with Zebra pants and their hypnotizing power so I have included the picture above. In fact, these pants are so rare that there is hardly any documented footage or proof of theirexistence on the entire Internet. I couldn’t even find a picture of any human wearing them, just the pants. I thought they were possibly afigment of my imagination, until that fateful day.

I hadn’t seen a pair since 1988. They were very popular with the wrestling/power lifting/serial killer crowd. They were usually complemented by a ripped string tank top by someone who looked like they snorted a dozen eggs for breakfast, tanned until flames shot out of their skin, and whose veins looked like they were trying to escape their host.

Dave was a bearded 50 year old man whose health routine peaked at standing up and walking towards me.
It was the first time I had seen this item featured in the workplace or, for that matter, in any social setting. I looked around the showroom to see if there was a circus or safari theme that would explain the need for such attire but found so such evidence.

But there was Dave, standing in all his glory ready to giving me a legal contract to sign to begin repairs while wearing zig-zaggedsweat pants. While Dave stood in front of me, pen in hand, I contemplated the many possible obstacles he might face in his pursuit of wearing these trousers. In other words, interactions that could make him rethink his decision.

A. Wife
B. Both of his teenage kids
C. Owner
D. Employees
E. Customers
F. Any human that wasn’t also wearing zebra pants

Dave had made it past all these challenges. In fact, many might have given him positive reinforcement like “You look great, Honey” or “Cool pants, Dad.” This could explain how he was looking ultra confident while asking me to authorize over $500 worth of repairs. I signed and was on my way to return several days later. Maybe it was laundry day. Perhaps he had a clowning gig directly after work. Or maybe, just maybe — he was a GENIUS.

I found my answer upon my return. There Dave was again, with legs that looked like an African mammal. Two days later. That’s when it hit me. Dave had found a loophole. Every company has their own dress code/guidelines whether it’s professional dress or wearing a specified uniform. It is always very specific and lists what you CAN wear and also what you CAN’T wear. Usually the CAN’T list includes jeans, mini skirts, open toed shoes, Capri pants, etc.

NO DRESS CODES MENTION ANYTHING ABOUT ZUBAZ.
SO DAVE SHOWED UP WEARING THEM ONE DAY AND NOBODY SAID ANYTHING.
AND THEN…HE DID IT AGAIN.
AND AGAIN.

My fiance had a nightmare recently that I showed up to work wearing nothing but a T-shirt tucked into my Calvin Klein’s (she even dreams in cliches) and that I said “It’s cool, it’s casual Friday.” To me this is not a nightmare. It’s my fantasy. If it was socially acceptable and I could pull that off instead of wearing a tie, long sleeve shirt and ANY PANTS AT ALL…great. It’s hot down here in Florida.

Dave, you are my hero. You are a mastermind. When others are getting out of their pajamas to get ready for work, you are slipping into yours and heading out the door. You lead the revolution for comfort and style. Well done, sir.

All work by "The Acorn King" is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License

Boyfriend Seduced By Chicken Tetrazzini

2009-04-11T11:07:00.000-07:00

I've been working from home a lot lately, so it goes without saying, I've also been watching a lot of daytime television. And I have to say, why Maury hasn't been nominated for a Daytime Emmy yet, is totally beyond me.

All work by "The Acorn King" is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License

Malefactor "Exit Strategy"

2009-04-08T00:25:00.000-07:00

All work by "The Acorn King" is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License

All Your Acorns Belong To Me!

2009-03-29T09:42:00.000-07:00

A little while ago, it was brought to my attention that people had begun to notice my acorn domination.

I was recently forwarded this article, from CNN.com, about how scientists are baffled over a "mysterious acorn shortage." Well guess what? The mystery is over, I took all the acorns. That's right, all your acorns belong to me. Why you ask? Because, I am The Acorn King! Uh-duh. I wish I could be sympathetic about your Acorn recession, but this squirrel's gotta eat and it takes an army of acorns to fuel my kingdom. Deal with it. Dealt? Good. I'm not sure this woman is dealing with it too well, she sort of has the deer in the headlights look going on.

All work by "The Acorn King" is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License

My Alter Ego's Ego.

2009-03-12T00:03:00.000-07:00

The Acorn King would like to salute Chet Love, the undisputed most awesomest man ever. From the years 1977-1986 Chet ruled the underground scene as both a b-boy and a b-movie star.

Chet Love first gained notoriety in 1977 as the premiere star of "Whitesplotation" cinema. Hollywood took notice of the green rolling in from Blaxploitation titles such as: Shaft, Black Belt Jones, Blackula, Cleopatra Jones, The Mac, Superfly, and Black Caesar, now the studios hungered for a bigger piece of the bean pie. Whitesplotation was their answer. Chet was discovered in a Rent-A-Center® parking lot in Pawtucket Rhode Island, where he was found breakdancing on a square of linoleum beside his bitchin' Iroc-Z. In Chet the studios saw a white boy with ethnic crossover appeal, this was the most excited white people had been since Elvis.

The viewing audience was initially apprehensive of this new sub-genre of film. After all, the exploitation of white people was something entirely new to Americans — but Chet quickly won their hearts with his masterful portrayal of an outer-space tennis pro named "Esquire Jones," in the now classic Science Fiction series "Honkey Boy 9000." This role would earn Chet both public notoriety and international acclaim. Before you could say "lilly white" Honkey Boy was followed by an onslaught of more Whitesplotation films led by, "White Collar Dollar" and "Uncle Charlie's Cracker Farm." Chet's trademark good looks and darling catchphrase "white-on" took America by storm. For the first time in nearly a decade the white owned studios were in the black again.

Over the next few years, a slew of other titles followed: Honky-Tonk Honkey, Uppity McEntire, Agent Pasty Face, Vanilla Vega Summers The Hamptons, Honkey Boy 9001, Croquet Crackdown, Salt & Sugar Shakedown, Guest House Party, Suburban Snowfall, Chalk, No Rhythm All Blues, Honkey Boy 9002, WASP Weekend, Casper-Man Ain't Got No Love For Mookie-Man, White Devil's Dance Party, and Honkey Boy In Future Land...just to name a few.

In 1981 Chet would leave the silver screen and invade American households, to take a crack at 80's sticoms. His first endeavor was a comical episodic about an out of work English professor who finds love and life after accepting a job as a rich woman's dog walker — In the uproariously funny "Who's Walking Whom?"

The series was canceled after only eight episodes, but Chet quickly bounced back, accepting the role of 'Electric Willy Starks,' a breakdancing truck driver traveling the open road and serving all suckers who step in his path. The series was titled "Breaker-Breaker." The series lasted only six episodes, yet it was the most successful show ever to air on ABC.

By 1983 Chet had amassed an army of lady-friends and one of the finest mustaches in all of Hollywood, but sick of all the limelight, Chet made the decision to drop out of the public eye and return to his modest playboy life of underground breakdancing. So If you're in the right place at the right time, wearing the right denim, you might just catch a glimpse of this funky folk hero famous for his expensive taste in cheap women. The world knows him as Chet.

Fast Fact: Chet's great uncle (Winthrope Love) broke the color barrier of the Negro Leagues, becoming the first and only white player to ever play in a negro league game.

Chet Love is difficult to sum up into words, but a noted paleontologist once put it best when he said:
“CHET IS LARGER THAN LIFE. TO BEGIN TO UNDERSTAND CHET YOU MUST FIRST UNDERSTAND THE INNER-WORKINGS OF THE UNIVERSE AND OUR PLACE IN IT AS A WHOLE. THE CREATION OF MAN, AND THE CREATION OF LIFE ITSELF.”

As a postscript to the Chet piece, I would also like people to know that Chet was indirectly responsible for the invention of the Almond Joy Bar. One day while "showin' some sucka the score" in a breakdancing comp Chet pulled out the now legendary Vanilla Thunder Shakedown, causing his opponent to fall down in disgrace. His opponent, Cool Breeze LBC, fell onto Chet's open Mounds bar. Upon standing-up, with the candy stuck to his crotch, Chet yelled "Mounds don't have Nuts". At this precise moment a candy executive was walking by and an advertising phenomenom was sparked. This is not an exaggeration of the truth but a factual event witnessed by myself, Cool Breeze's top dog — Pookie Head Jenkins.

Visit Chet's fan page on MySpace: Chet Love

All work by "The Acorn King" is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License

The Rock Obama

2009-03-08T13:09:00.000-07:00

You won't like the president when he's angry.

All work by "The Acorn King" is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License

Your #1 Source for Non-Existent Elderly Smut.

2009-02-26T21:01:00.000-08:00

So I just checked this analytics service I use for my blog, to see which search terms are leading people to my site and I was delighted to discover that my number one search term was: "Old Woman Porn," sweet!

Now, I'm pretty sure this has got to be due to my: "That Time I Found An Old Woman's Porn Stash" post from last year. Actually I'm sure it is, because anyone arriving at this blog, hoping to catch a bifocal full of wrinkled-racks, or time-worn-taints, would be colossally disappointed.

Of course the irony of this is, by writing this post, I've now doubled my chances of disappointing those searchers stumbling upon my blog for the first time. So, as to not make this a total waste of their time, here you go. You're welcome.

All work by "The Acorn King" is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License

It's Never A Good Idea To Prank My Family.

2009-02-26T00:41:00.000-08:00

So my cousin from Dallas (pictured to the left, showing us where his poop comes from) recently had a prank played on him by his friend, Raja.

Apparently Raja sent my cousin this tacky airplane keychain, pictured to the right. The keychain was packaged in a nice box, including a professional-looking form letter and an invoice for $350! It included his credit card number, address and phone number. He somehow even had it mailed from New York. When Adam called the number on the invoice he reached a pissed off dry cleaner in Manhattan. He then called his credit card company to check if the charge had gone through yet and they said that it hadn't. Raja let him stew in this one right-up until Adam was about to cancel his credit card, it was at this point that he finally fessed-up to the prank.

Adam called me looking for some ideas on how to get back at his friend, we came up with one we liked, and this is how he carried it out.

First, he printed-up all these fliers advertising the opening of a new pizza restaurant called "Sir Pizza," advertising free 24-hour delivery and unbelievable pizza and wing deals. Of course, the number on all the fliers was that of his dear friend, Raja.

Adam then proceeded to paper a nearby college campus with these fliers — thoroughly covering all the dorms. He then posted the following genius ad on the Dallas Craigslist:

Free Pizza!

We are having our soft opening tonight and trying to work out all the kinks before our grand opening next week. So we're offering a FREE LARGE PIZZA to the first 10 customers! All I ask is:

1) You tip my driver.
2) Are within 15 miles of uptown.
3) You give me feedback.
4) If you like the pizza - tell your friends!

Not only did Raja get a ton of phone calls from hungry college kids, but my cousin also got a ton of emails from his Craigslist post. A lot of people asked for free pizza, two wanted delivery jobs, and one offered to do the advertising for the new restaurant. My cousins favorite email out of all of them though, was the one he received below.

"YOU Mutha fucker don't be putting fake numbers Bitch ass!"

By the way, the "Sir" in Sir Pizza stands for "Suck It Raja."

Nice work, cuz.

All work by "The Acorn King" is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License

Random Acts of Boredom #3

2009-02-22T21:05:00.000-08:00

In the spirit of the Academy Awards, I thought I'd mention one of my favorite "random acts of boredom."

There's nothing I enjoy more on a lonely evening, then clicking on pop-up banners, inviting me to discover which celebrity I resemble.

If you've never tried this, you really should, I feel everyone deserves the false hope of believing they have a famous face.

Just upload a recent photo of yourself and the high-tech celebrity face recognition technology does the rest. It's completely scientific and totally approved by NASA.

I've done this thing a few times and apparently I resemble a shit-ton of female celebrities, which is great, because now I totally have an "in" should I happen to cross paths with Meryl Streep!

Here are the results from my last celebrity matching,

I think this time they finally got it right:

Discover your outer celebrity, click here.

All work by "The Acorn King" is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License

Performance De-Hancing Drugs

2009-02-20T08:50:00.000-08:00

Major League Baseball spring training has begun, but nothing has grabbed the headlines more then Alex Rodriguez, the most recent case in this troubling steroids scandal. To hopefully shed some light on the situation, I recently sat down with Victor Conte, founder and president of Bay Area Laboratory Co-operative (BALCO).

VICTOR:
Thanks for having me, Acorn King. I know over the years I've been accused of selling performance-enhancing drugs to some of Major League Baseball's top sluggers, and for that I'd like to apologize.

ACORN KING:
Oh, well that's very big of you, Victor. Sorry, pun intended.

VICTOR:
It's ok, pun taken.

VICTOR:
You see, we at BALCO feel bad about giving baseball sluggers an unfair advantage and we'd now like to make up for it by leveling the playing field.

ACORN KING:
Great, so you'll stop selling steroids to players?

VICTOR:
Ha, ha, no.

ACORN KING:
What? But you just said you felt bad and wanted to "level the playing field?"

VICTOR:
Right, level it, not flatten it! I intend to do so by marketing our new line of performance-dehancing products to all the other players not currently "juicing."

ACORN KING:
Wait, did you say dehancing?

VICTOR:
Right, dehancing products made to counteract enhancing ones. I've totally sold shit loads of these dehancers to Major League pitchers this season.

(VICTOR PUTS ON A BASEBALL CAP WITH MIRRORS TAPED TO THE BRIM)

ACORN KING:
That's just a hat with two mirrors duct-taped to it.

VICTOR:
Yeah, I call it "The Batters Eye."

ACORN KING:
And this is what you would call a performance-dehancer?

VICTOR:
Youbetcha. And both pitchers and infielders can wear it, just flip the reflective shields down and the sun does the rest.

ACORN KING:
So it just basically blinds the batter?

VICTOR:
Woah! You say "blind," I say "dehance."

ACORN KING:
Ok. What about base runners, I mean your steroids have helped more than just sluggers. Alex Sanchez was the first player caught and he wasn't even a power hitter, he's a base stealer!

VICTOR:
Good question A.K.. Catchers, we haven't forgot about you.

(PUTS WHAT APPEARS TO BE A IRON JAWED BEAR TRAP ON THE DESK)

ACORN KING:
Ok. That looks like a bear trap.

VICTOR:
I call it "The Base Buddy." It's designed to give catchers that slight enhancement they need to dehance a potentially enhanced base stealer.

ACORN KING:
The Base Buddy?

VICTOR:
Yup. Simply bury this baby in the base path and watch it snap into action, giving catchers ample time to throw out would-be base stealers.

ACORN KING:
Very, um...interesting. Well Victor, thanks for taking the time to stop by. It sounds like you're well on your way to making a mends with Major League Baseball.

VICTOR:
Crossies. And don't forget that all BALCO dehancers are guaranteed undetectable by MLB drug tests!

All work by "The Acorn King" is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License