Beginner's Mind

The year of doing as little as possible...

noreply@blogger.com (Connie Rose) — Thu, 26 Jan 2012 00:31:00 +0000

I've been pondering a post for weeks now, but always when my computer is off.

I've begun to think of 2012 as "the year of doing as little as possible," AKA a sabbatical of sorts. A vacation from my permanent vacation.

Basically this means that I'm not pushing myself to do any more creative work than what wants to happen of its own accord. Yes, it still requires gumption on my part. But I'm striving to not feel as though I must make art just because all my artist friends are doing so or because I created a lot of stuff in the past.

This is harder for me to do than it sounds. Which I think is what this sabbatical thing is all about for me ~ learning to not feel guilty for not producing a bunch of stuff, and for not feeling motivated or inspired.

I just don't. That's what's so.

Silent Night

noreply@blogger.com (Connie Rose) — Sun, 18 Dec 2011 23:36:00 +0000

I am blessed with an ample amount of silence in my life. An auditory environment over which I have nearly complete control. I am especially sensitive to sound, noise more specifically. So much of what surrounds us these days is noise of one sort or another -- loud, obnoxious, jarring, everything competing for attention. I find it not just distracting, but absolutely crazy-making.

People used to ask me all the time whether I watched TV or listened to radio or music while I created my art ~ TV especially, since most people, I suspect, have the TV on day and night. Nobody wanted to believe me when I said I worked in "silence," no sound input except life itself happening all around me. No man-made "entertainment" added.

Actually, truth be told, it's not silent inside my head. In addition to not hearing well, I have had auditory nerve damage for many years. So "silent" to me is really a level of white noise in both ears. Not ringing, like with tinnitus. More like hissing that never stops. I'm used to it so it doesn't bother me, but I always know it's there.

Occasionally I will listen to music in the studio, one of a few favorite CDs. Mostly, though, I'd rather listen to the hissing inside my head than nearly anything else. Except the wind and the rain and birdsong.

Wishing you peaceful holidays. Hope you have an opportunity to enjoy the gift of silence.

Footnote

noreply@blogger.com (Connie Rose) — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 17:49:00 +0000

As a footnote to my last post about the goals thing, I invite you to read this post from one of "the minimalists" on zenhabits blog ~ both blogs on my sidebar as well.

Have a great weekend ~ goal free and loving it!

Christmas in Reality

noreply@blogger.com (Connie Rose) — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 17:37:00 +0000

December is traditionally a time when people begin to set goals for the coming year. I've certainly done my share of that over the years. I used to methodically record everything I did and what I planned to do and where I hoped to be and how much I hoped to have, of whatever. Some years I made it or got close to the mark (i.e., met my own likely-rigid, high-even-for-me expectations), some years I wasn't in the ballpark.

So much of it is out of our control. All the material stuff, anyhow. The only thing we have control over is how we respond to whatever happens.

I don't have goals anymore....of the must-see, need-to, gotta-have variety. None of it really matters to me one way or the other. I'm not going out of my way to try to get something or make something happen that isn't destined to be of its own accord. Because what shows up instead is far better, anyway. And that's here-and-now reality. Which is where we actually live.

I've been rereading Jon Kabat-Zinn's Wherever You Go, There You Are. If you haven't read it, essentially it is a manual of tools for being mindful in your everyday life. So in light of my thinking about goals and not having them, what Jon writes about non-doing is especially meaningful. "The only way you can do anything of value is to have the effort come out of non-doing and to let go of caring whether it will be of use or not. Otherwise, self-involvement and greediness can sneak in and distort your relationship to the work, or the work itself, so that it is off in some way, biased, impure, and ultimately not completely satisfying, even if it is good."

My shortened take on that ~ Follow your heart and see what emerges.

Deep Cleaning

noreply@blogger.com (Connie Rose) — Mon, 21 Nov 2011 01:52:00 +0000

I've been lamenting at how dusty my home has become. I haven't seriously dusted since I first moved in here nearly three years ago. I vacuum regularly, but I've been hesitant to spend the energy dusting when things are just dusty again in a couple weeks. My dust, though, is pretty thick.

Suddenly, the other evening I was inspired to do a sometimes-annual go-through of everything, to get rid of more stuff I don't need anymore or I've found some other thing I have that will suffice, or I simply want fewer things to have to dust whenever I do get around to it.

Well that was a perfect correspondence of want and need, and I spent most of this weekend deep cleaning my place, little bits at a time. I expect it to continue for the rest of this week. And that's okay. Because once I get into this exercise (cleaning and discarding), I really enjoy it.

I like finding new uses for stuff, shuffling things around, reorganizing, consolidating. We get things set up just the way we like them, and eventually take it all for granted and forget that we can change it up. That changing up thing is a wonderful creative activity and always spawns new inspiration for me. Gives me an opportunity, too, to live with things I love that maybe I haven't seen in a while.

Recently I took down all the art in my studio that was for sale, and replaced it all with stuff I'm keeping, work I love and want to look at and live with. What a concept.

Change is good.

Head in the Clouds

noreply@blogger.com (Connie Rose) — Mon, 31 Oct 2011 15:56:00 +0000

I spend as much time as I can with my head in the clouds ~ literally. Sky and cloud watching.

I'm fortunate that I live in a place that supports my habit. I'm just a few steps from a bluff overlooking the Eel River valley, facing west-southwest, about five miles from the ocean as the crow flies. For cloud and sunset watching, this is the place.

The sky is a perfect metaphor for life ~ it's always different. Clouds form, they move and change continuously, they dissipate. As the Tao says, "You cannot step twice into the same stream."

Just like life itself and every individual aspect of it over the course of our existence, everything changes, everything is ephemeral. The key is to learn to enjoy everything, even stuff that isn't what we want. Because it will change. And things we don't like change more quickly if we embrace them, and then let them go.

Go to Sky Journal to see the sky from my perspective, almost daily.

Shop Til You Drop

noreply@blogger.com (Connie Rose) — Wed, 19 Oct 2011 04:47:00 +0000

Random thoughts from paradise ~

I'll pay off my car this week, my last payment. Now I truly don't owe anybody anything. The interesting thing is that despite my very low monthly intake, I managed to pay off a 6-year note in just over 3 years. Amazing. I have no debt, no monthly payments over and above regular living expenses.

Twenty years ago I lived and worked in San Francisco. Shopping, then, was going to Nordstrom, which coincidentally I could see from my office window downtown. Shopping now is going to the Dollar Store and the thrift shops, Target if I'm feeling really flush.

Now I make a game of seeing how little I can spend from week to week between trips into Eureka for major food shopping and other stuff. The thing is, I don't need anything. I'm not going without, it's just that I have everything I need. I also try to make what I do have last as long as possible. And I'll use things up before I buy more. I don't have a lot of space to store stuff I'm not using, so this strategy works well for me.

I'm a lot happier now than I used to be. One thing in particular I really like about not buying much stuff anymore is that when I was an active shopper/buyer, especially of clothes, I was never happy with what I'd bought, even if I liked it when I bought it. It never seemed like the right thing. There were always things I liked more. So I was on this perpetual treadmill of shopping, purchasing, returning whatever I could and looking for a replacement. And still never felt satisfied.

Another thing, the constant goading to upgrade everything is bullshit. Unless it's absolutely necessary, like something breaks and can't be fixed, then I refuse to buy newer/better/different. Because at best, upgrades are a headache and require learning new stuff I don't necessarily want to learn. At worst, upgrades are really downgrades. Like, the thing, whatever it is, has been reconfigured so that it doesn't work as well as the old one did, but it's been marketed as though it was the greatest thing since sliced bread.

Case in point ~ those newfangled bagless vacuum cleaners. I had an old Hoover upright that I loved and it worked well. When I moved a couple years ago it didn't look like I'd need it, so I gave it to a friend. A year later I realized I did need a vacuum, so I bought a Bissell bagless. That thing was a pain in the ass. The hose wouldn't stretch more than three feet before the vacuum tipped over. The vacuum sounded like it sucked well but it didn't. On one height setting it didn't pick up any dirt at all...on the next height setting it sucked so hard you couldn't move it across the rug. The only thing that worked was the little turbo brush attachment. So I had to use that to vacuum the rugs. But you had to hold it at a certain angle to the surface or it wouldn't work. Picture me on my hands and knees with the turbo brush on the end of a plastic extension tube, and the vacuum continually tipping over and hitting me in the back.

And then there was the fact that cleaning the bagless apparatus parts took tons of time, wasted a lot of water, and the filters took days to dry -- when all I previously had to do was replace the vacuum bag a couple times a year and throw it in the trash, no mess no fuss.

Long story long, I traded the virtually new Bissell to my friend and got my old Hoover back! I plan to use it for the rest of my life.

Having more and supposedly better stuff does not make you happier. It just makes you poorer and proves you've fallen into another cultural trap. Live with what you've got, or do without and learn how to entertain yourself. You'll be a better person for it.

Ordinariness

noreply@blogger.com (Connie Rose) — Tue, 11 Oct 2011 00:54:00 +0000

I've been mentally kicking around the idea of writing a book...The Pauper's Guide to Living the Good Life. Problem is, if I'm writing about it, then I'm not living it. It likely won't get written.

Mostly, though, I'm just not into the self promotion thing. Too many years of "giving people my resume" so to speak ~ trying to prove I was the best person for the job or that I'd earned a raise or a bonus or simply appreciation for a job well done, trying to stay ahead of the game, to rise to the top of the heap, to prove I was better than whomever or whatever I was confronted with...trying to speak louder than everyone else to get potential buyers' attention with my art, trying to promote myself up the ying yang.

I really just want to be ordinary now. No self aggrandizement, no entitlement, no grandiosity, no expectation that anything is owed to me. Because it's not. I grew up with all those other attitudes; I think when you feel not as good as for so long you tend to overcompensate by thinking you're better than or that the world owes you a living because you've suffered. I'm extraordinary in my own way, like the rest of us. The truth is, I really don't like drawing attention to myself. Never have. I want to fade into the background, keep my head down.

Being ordinary feels like grace. That sense of "just so-ness," nothing special, staying calm, here and now, just living and doing my best at whatever I do because that's just how I am.

Footprint

noreply@blogger.com (Connie Rose) — Mon, 03 Oct 2011 17:47:00 +0000

I've been embracing these words recently in thinking about myself ~ witch, hermit, feral, recluse. The more I learn about what works for me, the less I desire to be out in the world.

I'm seeking some sort of invisibility. I want to deeply experience my life without feeling as though I need to talk about it. I'm not referring here to sharing on this blog. I am, though, referring to most of the sharing and commenting I did while I participated in social media.

And it's not about being uncomfortable with vulnerability. It's about the fact that I know that for me, underneath the sharing of who I am, what I think about things in general, and how I do things in life, is the desire for acceptance and approval. And after a lifetime of approval- and acceptance- and agreement-seeking, I just want to follow my own muse, my own inner guidance system through life.

I am a highly sensitive person. I always have been, yet I have finally stripped away enough of the chaff of life to discover this reality for myself and what it means for my life. It explains a lot about who I am and how I operate.

Likely more on this later.

The Next Best Thing

noreply@blogger.com (Connie Rose) — Sun, 25 Sep 2011 19:47:00 +0000

"Silence is the language God speaks and everything else is a bad translation."

— Thomas Keating (via dhammanovice.tumblr.com via silencesounds)

The next best thing is nothing.

Further adventures in simplifying life ~ abandon Facebook. I just did.

I don't need to explain why, but I do like to tell a good story. And everything has a story...

FB is just another corporation, and possibly even more like Big Brother than any other corporation at that, given all the constant tinkering with personal privacy they contrive. I got tired of acting like all the other billion rats that are on that treadmill, knee-jerk reacting to every new set of changes Facebook puts on the table about quarterly.

Has it dawned on anyone else deeply entrenched there that they're being held hostage to this giant entity that's pulling all the strings on their social and media lives? What a crock of shit.

End of story.

By Hand and Heart

noreply@blogger.com (Connie Rose) — Wed, 21 Sep 2011 01:55:00 +0000

I used to have a handmade clothing business called With These Hands. That was nearly 40 years ago, when I lived in the Santa Cruz mountains.

A quick review of what I've done with my life reveals that I've accomplished quite a bit with these hands of mine. I've been thinking about my hands a lot because for the past week the mindfulness practice in How to Train a Wild Elephant has been to focus on your hands and all the things they are capable of doing.

I've been pondering this for a week and come to the conclusion that our hands are nearly entities unto themselves. They are brains, in their own right. Hands are our instruments of manifestation in life, following the inspiration of our hearts and minds. It's mind boggling, the things hands can do, and without our even thinking about it once we learn the moves. What an incredible thing.

I used to think that losing ones eyesight might be the most unfortunate sense to have to do without. I'm thinking now that losing one's sense of touch and the ability to do and make things might possibly be even worse.

So I am infinitely glad for these hands of mine, my partners in creation.

Fixing Things

noreply@blogger.com (Connie Rose) — Wed, 14 Sep 2011 02:47:00 +0000

I have a penchant for fixing. I suppose most humans do, it's in our nature to be wanting to make things better. But always wanting to fix or change something about ourselves, about others, or about anything or everything in our environment is a sure sign that we're not accepting life the way it is. We don't like something, we want it to be different. A lot of energy goes into the effort to transform our lives (possibly preemptively or prematurely) while no attempt is made to just relax and be with things as they are.

Several posts ago, shortly before this blog morphed into what it is now, I took a good, hard look at everything that's just so in my life. A friend asked me what, if anything, I intended to do about those things, meaning how would I fix or change the major realities of my life given that I was now aware of them.

Making the list was an important step for me in getting clear about where I am on my journey. And the thing is, now that I am clear, now that I can see all the pieces of the puzzle, the question becomes "Why does anything need to be different, at all?" The answer for me is that I am comfortable with life just as it is. I am completely embracing things the way they are and letting life be without having to change anything. If this isn't an act of radical self acceptance, I'm not sure what is.

When we're trying to fix things, the focus is on what's not working, on what we don't have, what we need to do differently, how we're not good enough the way we are. It's looking at the glass half empty.

When we come from accepting ourselves as being in the right place at the right time, i.e. now, grokking that we're really fine just the way we are, that really nothing needs to change, that whatever is in front of us right now is exactly what we need to learn, then life flows effortlessly and evolves elegantly without our needless tinkering and interference.

The only way out is through.

Never too much of a good thing...

noreply@blogger.com (Connie Rose) — Sat, 03 Sep 2011 02:02:00 +0000

I've been spending a lot of time outside. I especially love to meditate outside. There's so much going on in each present moment that it's nearly overwhelming sometimes. I can understand why we humans create so many amusements to distract ourselves from the present moment. Because if you're truly paying attention to NOW, there's so much to be mindful of.

My absolute favorite thing, among a plethora of favorites, is feeling the breeze on my skin. Sometimes it seems as though I am harvesting the breeze, in the sense of my mind being at the ready to embrace each experience of the soft air caressing me...

I love the music of my several windchimes -- I have them outside as well as inside the house. One has been with me for nearly 30 years -- it's chime says "home" to me. Then there's the distant sound of the traffic down on Hwy. 101 ~ sounds like ocean waves heard from afar...

I have a sense of enjoying my life that I've never had before ~ being in joy in experiencing the innumerable small pleasures and enjoyments of my life, just the way it is.

Driving While Mindful...

noreply@blogger.com (Connie Rose) — Fri, 26 Aug 2011 18:04:00 +0000

I decided yesterday to get rid of my cell phone in the very near future. At this point in my life there's no reason why I need to carry a phone with me...I go for days without using it at all...I don't have long phone conversations with anyone...I don't text, ever...so why pay all that money each month for an electronic gizmo that doesn't even get good phone reception!

For less than $10 a month more than I'm paying right now for my AT&T Internet connection, I can also have a land line and an answering machine. This will cut my monthly telecom expense by more than half.

I was in town (Eureka) yesterday, my first trip in two weeks. I don't miss it a bit. Being in town, driving in traffic, doing all my shopping and visiting means I need to put my game face on to some extent. I have to stay amped to get everything done. It's not who I am anymore in the rest of my life. Gratefully.

I've started practicing what I call "mindful driving" when I'm on the highway, a 20 mile stretch between Fortuna and Eureka. I really see how I get into this somewhat-competitive thing on the road. I think it's really more like recognizing that I have to be mindful of not just myself and how I'm driving, but of others, as well. The act of highway driving becomes this dance, and you've got all these partners on the road with you, and who's leading and who's following from one moment to the next. It's a definite practice.

Glad to have a few days to myself before having to go back into town next week for a few things. Opening to a quiet weekend at home doing whatever it is I do.

Two things...

noreply@blogger.com (Connie Rose) — Thu, 18 Aug 2011 20:43:00 +0000

Two things in particular I am focusing on now ~

letting myself be open and vulnerable to life ~ there really isn't anything that can hurt me anymore, and hurt has always been a function of how I've held things in my mind anyway
doing as many things as I can as if for the first time ~ having beginner's mind, starting over afresh with no preconceptions

And my story, I'm not sticking to it anymore.

Opening to what emerges...

noreply@blogger.com (Connie Rose) — Tue, 16 Aug 2011 15:33:00 +0000

Here's my answer ~ I just found Zenhabits, mere moments ago...

As they say, when the student is ready the teacher appears.

A most synchronistic way to begin the day.

Spirals

noreply@blogger.com (Connie Rose) — Tue, 16 Aug 2011 03:40:00 +0000

In pondering the realities of my life I find, underneath the surface layer of discomfort, an existential angst. I have no idea what my purpose is in life. I have no aim, no goal, nothing that I'm striving for. Other than surviving, I honestly never have had a purpose that I've been aware of.

This is a very groundless place to be.

I've begun working in my journal in earnest again, doing writing exercises and attempting to answer questions on paper that I hope will point me in the right direction.

Other times come to mind, earlier times when I was faced with the same questions. I never found adequate answers...and then I'd have to go back to work again, or I relocated, or some other major set of circumstances to be dealt with released me from having to struggle to find answers to the questions ~ "What compels me to get up in the morning?" "What do I want to create for myself?" "Where am I going and how am I going to get there?"

I'm clueless. I feel strongly at the moment that the WHAT is not art for me. I had the insight today that I have been far more productive artistically at those times in my life when I was also working and had less time to make art. Then, artmaking was the antidote to doing things I didn't want to have to be doing but I had to do anyway because that was how I earned a living. So I was creative in my "spare" time to save my soul.

Here I am now with all the time in the world, and I rarely feel like making art any more. It doesn't feel like enough now to feed my soul. But I have no idea what would. The sad fact is that I have no dreams. Or if I have them, they seem too far fetched just because of the unlikelihood that I would ever be able to afford to do them.

In many ways I feel like my life has ended ~ and indeed, the life I used to live has ended. To be replaced by what, I'm not sure yet. I have no moorings at the moment, I am adrift. I know this phase will pass, because everything does eventually. I think all I can do right now is get comfortable with the discomfort of not knowing where I'm headed for the last third of my life.

Stay tuned as more is revealed.

Zen Moments

noreply@blogger.com (Connie Rose) — Sat, 13 Aug 2011 17:17:00 +0000

The dust has settled and all distractions are out of the way. I have become ever-more hip to the fact of my solitariness in life, and how virtually nothing "out there" fits who I am. In more upbeat moments I conceptualize these things as my being in a niche of my own ~ talk about creating one's own reality!

Lately I've been having a deep internal look at my life and all its attendant facets in some perhaps-unconscious effort to reinvent myself to meet the times.

Without judgment, blame or complaint, these are the fundamental realities of my life ~

There's no one for me to talk to anymore ~ and I'm not even certain I want to talk to anyone, anyway.
I'm isolated ~ yes, by choice and circumstance, nevertheless I recognize isolation's consequent potential dangers to my mental health.
I have no money, and more and more I feel like an outcast because of this. I can't afford to go anywhere (read: travel) or do anything. My resources are limited to essentially just covering my needs in life.
I don't hear well. This is adding to my isolation as I find myself not wanting to be around people because I nearly always have to ask them to repeat themselves, sometimes numerous times for the same comment. I cannot afford hearing aids, the kind that actually work.
I feel less physically capable these days of much more than just day-to-day living.
I have no family. There's no one I can rely on for anything. Really. My few close friends will say, "That's not true, I'm here, call me anytime." The feeling of having nobody, no fundamental support in life is way deeper than that.
I'm not good in groups of people (in-person groups). Something always happens and I'm ousted.
Close personal relationships with men or women have always been difficult, and often treacherous for me.
I exist in a backwater ~ off the beaten path geographically, emotionally, artistically, socially and psychologically.
I'm not lonely, though. I'm happiest with my own companionship above anyone else's.
I haven't yet figured out why I'm even here ~ other than to learn how to survive life by my own wits.
I feel quite UNcertain that the art I create and my personal brand of creative living are what I'm here to contribute.
I never fit into any milieu I find myself in. I feel like an outsider, always. I am an outsider, a misfit, an outlander, a contrarian.
I need community. I've tried to create that for myself with art-related groups I've participated in over the past 20 years or so, but it's never worked out (see my point about groups). I do feel myself a part of several communities online -- thank God for the internet. Otherwise, though, I don't feel like I'm a part of anything, I am drifting solo.

This is what's so.

Lemonade and Independence

noreply@blogger.com (Connie Rose) — Mon, 04 Jul 2011 19:21:00 +0000

There's a Chinese tale that goes something like this: A farmer's only son falls from a horse and breaks his legs, so he can't help his father farm. That's a bad thing. But then the army comes through town looking to recruit young men, and they don't draft the farmer's son because of his broken legs. That bad thing is now a good thing.

More shall always be revealed. No event is ever the end, it's just the segue between what was and what's yet to be.

All that stress and pain I was under earlier this year turned out to be a good thing, indeed ~ I quit my job, I'm on disability, and now I am even freer than I was in the spring when life seemed to be settling down from the previous wave of change.

My life is truly my own now. After this week I'll have absolutely no commitments, apart from anything I take on for my own pleasure. I've wanted it to be this way for so long.

Life is what happens while you're making other plans...

noreply@blogger.com (Connie Rose) — Mon, 13 Jun 2011 01:35:00 +0000

I've been in pain for the last five weeks...back pain...and it hasn't stopped. After four chiropractic adjustments, an acupuncture treatment, a lot of lost time between appointments, two refills of pain medication -- which I really hate to take because I'm anti-prescription drug unless absolutely necessary -- and two (thus far) physical therapy treatments ~~ it appears that the culprit is repetitive motion injury in my upper back muscles.

All those physical complaints I've had for umpteen years -- hand problems, carpal tunnel issues, ongoing periodic upper and lower back pain -- have been repetitive stress symptoms.

Leap with me over the boring details, and what this means is that I can't do the employment thing any longer. I'm on the cusp now of going out on disability for the next year (CA state disability, the maximum time I can get, if I can), or finagle a way to turn my recent social security claim into a social security disability claim, or worse come to worst just quit my job. The bottom line is that I simply cannot work at what I do any longer, which is office/computer work, without suffering ongoing pain in my physical body.

If you're a follower here you know that I only recently began to feel as though things were lightening up for me financially, my meager employment income now embellished with social security. But any gain I might have made that first month of having two incomes has easily been erased by hundreds of dollars in recent medical visits and treatments. And now, guess what, my income will go down again going on disability or by not working.

Remember my asking myself not long ago whether I thought I could really stop worrying about money now? Moot point. The way I figured it this afternoon, though, is that all I can humanly do is take care of my self, my body and spirit, and let the Universe take care of keeping me afloat for the rest of my life. I cannot take on that stress any longer in addition to all the pain and injury I've suffered over the years in merely trying to survive.

The idea of not "working" anymore is exhilarating. The idea of living on under $900 a month everything considered, in this culture and in this day and age especially given my cohort (Baby Boomer Generation), is absolutely stultifying.

This is and has been the central issue of my existence on planet Earth -- making lemonade from lemons. I am so tired of trying...

Rough Patch

noreply@blogger.com (Connie Rose) — Sat, 14 May 2011 22:34:00 +0000

I've been having a rough time of it the past few weeks. All pretty much stress related.

The upshot of what I spoke about in my last post is that I am taking things much more slowly at work. I'm going to do what I can do at a more relaxed pace and I'll get done as much as I get done. No one's cracking a whip over me. I'm learning to have boundaries and to think of myself (read: my health, mental and physical) first.

About a week ago that stress ~ and really, it's not just about work, it's how I've lived my entire life up until now ~ showed up in my upper back. You know that incredibly painful place just inside your shoulder blade on the right side? That's where it's localized. This isn't the first time this has happened, but it's never been as severe as it has been now. I've been in near-constant pain for nearly a week, have had three (so far) chiropractic adjustments, and am doing everything I can to loosen up those muscles. I haven't had a good night's sleep in a week. It's healing, but it's taking more time than before. Ah, one of the downfalls of aging, it takes longer for the body to heal.

Which, despite the ongoing pain, is having its silver lining. In that I am finally learning how to take better care of myself. Seriously. I've paid that concept lip service for so many years, as though I have all the time in the world to take care of myself later, when I'm older. Well, I AM older. So now's the time.

On the art front, I've done next to nothing for a few weeks now. A few collages but little else. These times always call for reflection on what I'm up to when I do make art. I'm not overly motivated toward much right now except collage-making. I just ordered $150 worth of art supplies from Dick Blick, plus some books from Amazon on working with acrylics. But I've been slow to begin in earnest yet. And I haven't felt up to it.

Actually this collage thing is moving me in a new direction for textile art that I've wanted to explore. So we'll see what unfolds during the coming months. All I know now is that I'll likely be moving more slowly with everything. I've also been having that conversation again with myself about why I bother making art at all -- quilted art cloth in particular -- since I sell so little of it and have so few opportunities to show and sell. Like, why bother, who cares, and the like.

Anyhow, I'm confident that a new creative wave will compel me in the near future. Until then I'll just bide my time and attend to healing my body and spirit.

Rainy Easter

noreply@blogger.com (Connie Rose) — Sun, 24 Apr 2011 16:20:00 +0000

It's a rainy Easter morning in paradise. Easter doesn't mean anything to me, it's just another Sunday and usually a quiet one. There's partial sun in the forecast for later today, but I'll believe it when I see it.

My ship came in last week. If you're a woman of a certain age you'll likely remember all those times your mother told you, "You'll see, your ship will come in." Usually that referred to finding the man of your dreams (now we know there's no such thing). For me it means that my monthly social security payments began with absolutely no hitch.

Now that my future looks brighter, as in a bit of additional monthly funding, we'll see if I can actually stop worrying about money, deep in the heart of me. I hope I do. My needs have become so much smaller than they used to be, that I'm anticipating being fine from here on out. Barring calamity, of course. But I spend no time at all focusing on things that could or might happen. That's a colossal waste of time.

I've been under some stress lately, from things going on at my job. It's always been difficult for me to take on new things because of unwarranted fear that I wouldn't learn whatever it was or that I'd be slow and plodding, my learning curve would be too long or too steep. The fact is, none of that has ever been true. I've taken on and learned everything I've had to, plus a lot that I've wanted to, with aplomb, curiosity and eagerness, and have become highly competent at a wide variety of skills in my life.

One of the primary tasks of my job is to manage the organization's website -- and that included being largely responsible for creating an entirely new website a year ago. That required me to learn a whole new set of things, which I have fairly well mastered by this point. If you're in any way involved with businesses or organizations these days, you likely know that a website isn't enough anymore, you've got to have an increasingly larger presence on Facebook as well. Besides my own personal profile on Facebook, I have a Page for my artlife, but these entities are just the tip of the iceberg of what's available for businesses now on Facebook.

My organization has a Facebook Page and I am one of seven administrators, but because of my work on the website, it appears that I am the admin most likely to become a Facebook Developer -- which is the new "computer programmer" of the early 21st century. This is where it's all happening for organizations online. You're essentially wanting to do as much marketing as possible via the FB Page, including raising donations, linking to programs and services, etc. -- pretty much exactly what's you've been doing on your website except FB is the platform of choice now. Although you still have to have a website.

Well, I've had to draw the line in the sand -- I cannot take this on on top of all the other work I manage to do there in 15-18 hours a week. And the biggest thing is that I don't want to learn it. I don't need it personally and I have no interest in increasing my knowledge in an area that would likely be compelling to me were I 20-30 years younger. But I'm not, I'm nearing the end of my worklife, and my learning interests now are primarily art related. I have voiced my concern to the powers that be in the organization and we'll see how the solution to our online needs plays out.

But it looks to me like the days of being reliable, dependable, on time, competent and proactive on a job are over. Now you also have to be willing to suffer continual change, BIG change in how things are done, and continually do more in less time for the same rather low pay. I guess I really am a dinosaur.

Note from a few hours later in the day ~ the sun has come out and I'm sitting in it now!

From Envy to Enviable

noreply@blogger.com (Connie Rose) — Tue, 22 Mar 2011 18:28:00 +0000

I used to be an envious person. I envied women my age who seemed to have it all -- great husbands, money, didn't have to work, had beautiful homes and loving families. I envied women artists who seemed to have copious resources to attend workshops and art fests, to buy all the tools and materials they needed, had support from loving others so they didn't have to earn a living from their art.

And then I found myself in a place of really seeing what I DID and DO have, and now I feel enviable. And I am counting my blessings ~ I don't have to deal with someone else's shit...I don't have to deal with aging parents or adult children who can't, for one reason or another, take care of themselves...I don't have the burden of a large monthly "nut" to cover in order to thrive...I get to live my life exactly the way I want to...on and on.

I am a free agent. And I think that might make me enviable to some other women.

I've seen recently that envy can masquerade as other things -- perceived threat, for one. I've spent the last week processing something that happened recently, a virtual repeat of a situation that happened three years ago with another local artist. Without going into details, the bottom line is that each of these women felt threatened by me in various ways. I should take it as a compliment, and maybe if it happens again in the future I will.

Both of the women in question have most of the things on my list of stuff to envy in others. Yet here they are envying me. I guess ultimately, they hate me for my freedom.

And this brings up something else that nearly inevitably happens in most of my relationships ~ and that is projection. People project onto me what they refuse to see in themselves, then blame me for it, or put me in a position of feeling that I have to defend myself. And I'm really sick of it, if you want to know the truth.

Not to be a victim here, but just to get it out...I can't tell you the number of flaws in my mother's personality that she projected onto me. Not my stuff, hers. But I spent my entire relationship with her defending myself against her own shit that she saw in me. Or passive aggressive partners that accused me repeatedly of being passive aggressive, when that's just not who I am...or accusing me of fooling around on the side when they were doing it all the time while I never did. Or artists who think they own techniques that are widely used and then accuse me of not respecting intellectual property or of not having professional courtesy. Sometimes I feel like a magnet for other people's shit.

Back to now, though...today I'm in joy. I haven't been here for a while, and I'm glad to be back.

Living Meditation

noreply@blogger.com (Connie Rose) — Tue, 08 Mar 2011 01:43:00 +0000

Another month has elapsed. I've been writing a post in my head for weeks, it seems.

I've spent the last month getting even more comfortable with my solitude. As in, with few if any of the "normal" distractions of life in this day and age, I've been focusing more and more of my conscious attention on the now.

I've been feeling my way around inside of present moments, like a blind person trying to get a sense of the terrain. Learning to be at peace with nowness, with things just as they are...nothing has to be any different, I have no desires/there's nothing I need or want, no striving to be or have anything, no planning or scheming the future. Just embracing what's so. And saying to myself at moments, "This is what joy feels like," or "This is what happiness feels like."

Because I haven't really known before. We learn to associate happiness with having people or stuff in our lives, joy with having certain prescribed or predicted experiences. We think we need to feel over the top with elation, when in fact the quiet joy and happiness of living an uncomplicated life of one's own design is a different thing entirely. Like breathing deeply and contentedly.

I've also been getting comfortable inhabiting those spaces that exist between things/events happening or manifesting. I think this space may be what faith is all about. Like having certainty, having contained excitement about what's to come in life, yet staying grounded in present time. And enjoying the fullness of this moment.

I've been reading and rereading my two all-time favorite spiritual books, This Thing Called You by Ernest Holmes, and Practicing the Presence by Joel Goldsmith. Both highly recommended.

Mirror, Mirror

noreply@blogger.com (Connie Rose) — Tue, 08 Feb 2011 04:42:00 +0000

I had an interesting realization just the other day...I find myself no longer looking in mirrors or shop windows when I'm out and about. Here's the thing: I'm finally completely okay with myself in every way. I no longer have to be checking to make sure I look good, whether I'm having a good hair day or not, whether I'm thin enough, whether I'm dressed appropriately, ad infinitum. As long as I'm happy and comfortable, that's all that counts.

I spent this afternoon napping on the couch. What a delight that was. I might kick back tomorrow, as well. I've been busy lately, been getting lots done, maybe it's time to knock off a day.

More and more I enjoy spending as much time alone as possible. Another thing I realized recently -- and not for the first time -- is that I so much prefer to experience life through my own senses, on my own. I don't want to have to be responsible in any way for anyone else's experience. I don't want to have to respond to someone else's experience -- you know, like being in a museum or a foreign city with someone else and having to respond, "Yes. Yes. Yes." to the other person's exclamations, "Wow, look at this. Wow, isn't this cool." What a complete distraction from having your own experience of whatever.

So I spend days, now, alone, not even talking on the phone to anyone for days at a time. And I don't feel I'm missing anything. Of course, with the Internet, I can touch base whenever and with whomever. This is a perfect medium for me...I don't have to engage if I don't want to.

Nobody sees things the way I do, anyway. It's too much of a bother to verbally express my experience, to attempt to have someone else see or feel what I see and feel, and in the end I no longer care whether they "get me" or not. How I view the world is for my eyes and my heart only. Werner Erhardt used to say something about language obfuscating the truth (broadly paraphrased), and it's true. You have experience, and then you have talking about the experience, which isn't the same as the experience itself.

I'm really only interested in whether how I see the world works for me, in the sense of encouraging me to have the best life I can and be the best me I can be. "Best" in my own terms. I've finally gotten to, "If if works for me, it works. Period." Doesn't matter if it's different for 6+ billion other folks. This is the way it's supposed to be -- every single one of us are different, like snowflakes. We were each put here to create our own lives, to have our own experiences.

And speaking of experiences, I've led a rich and varied life. I embrace every part of it, it's all -- the good and the not-as-good -- made me who I am today. And I'm glad for it.