derrickT

Think about where you get your information, and who you trust.

• When you’re looking for news, do you read small blogs, or big newspapers?
• When you’re looking for spiritual advice, do you look to ‘churches‘ (the established central authorities of various religions), or individuals (authors, travelers on the path, spiritual leaders, etc.)?
• When you’re looking to educate yourself (or your kids), do you trust “official” organizations and government agencies, or independents (authors, websites, how-to books, etc.)?
• Yellow pages, Chamber of Commerce, Better Business Bureau, or Google?

On one hand, you’ve got the “authorities” (of course, they’re the ones saying they’re the authorities, and we often trust them just because they do). On the other hand, you’ve got individuals, those who are drawing on the wisdom that comes from their own experience and learning, to the voices who have trodden the path and stand to speak about it.

(And just so you know that I’m not just talking out of my elbow, I do realize that many well-experienced individuals often make up the rosters of those big authoritative organizations. And, I also know what being a part of big authoritative organizations can do to squelch the voice of the individual within it…)

If you saw the movie “Sicko“, you’ll remember the interview with Tony Benn, the British socialist politician who so eloquently described how the grassroots movements in the UK created healthcare reform sixty years ago.

In addition, he spoke about how in England, the government fears the people (and does right by them, by and large), because they realize the people have the power. In the US, of course, the people fear the government (which doesn’t do right by us), because they—and us—have forgotten that it is the people who have the power. (Not to belabor this point too much, but another great documentary in the same vein is “Why We Fight“, about how Eisenhower’s presidency ushered in the first standing military-industrial complex… and before that, the government was less feared.)

So, who do you listen to?

Where do you look for answers? To the “authorities” that say they’re the authorities, or to individuals, to the wisdom in our collective, to the voices who have trodden the path and stand to speak about it?

And I’m not just talking about global political issues, or national social issues… I’m also talking about who you trust for information about everyday matters, like toothpaste, transportation, and tea. Sources of information are more plentiful now than ever before in history, and so is our access to them. Because of this, it’s our individual duty to strengthen our BS detectors, and come to understand what separates truth from falsehood.

I realize, it’s never quite so cut and dry as ‘big vs small’, either. Some organizations are amazing. Some individuals are wacko. It’s up to you to follow your heart and decide for yourself.

And really, that’s the point of this entire piece.

It comes back, again, to self-responsibility. To honoring your own sovereignty. To taking the initiative to “front the essential facts of life” with open eyes, and open heart, and an open mind.

Because when it comes down to it, you have to decide for yourself. When authority (be it a group or an individual claiming to have it) speaks, you have to question it — even when it takes you against everything you’ve ever been taught — because then, and only then, will you have the peace that comes from following your own internal sense of what is right.

And that quality, the quality of certainty, is rarely afforded to those who aren’t willing to challenge convention and trust that sense of inner knowing that permeates the deeper reaches of the soul. Stay on the surface, and you get only superficial confidence. Dive deeper, and you get abiding resiliency, self-determination, and inner strength.

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sleepysparrow

If you want to make an impact in the world, you have to express yourself. And the way you’ve expressed yourself so far has been good, in that it has gotten you to where you are now. But if you want to go beyond where you’ve come, you need to make a shift. And making a shift in how you express yourself is one of the toughest things to do. (Spinning plates, juggling knives, doing a back handspring? Child’s play.)

Expression isn’t about words, and it isn’t about style… even though these factor into it heavily. It’s easy to get into ruts with your language, your catch-phrases, your metaphors. Expression is about viewpoints. It’s about perspective. It’s tied fundamentally to the eyes through which you see the world around you, and all the filters between your brain and the world it’s trying to make sense of.

Try this: think about your business. Think about who you serve, and what you do for them. Write it down. Keep it simple. Got it?

Now, come at it from a completely different angle, and do it again. Try seeing it as you’ve never seen it before. (Go ahead, take a minute and do it. I’ll wait.)

See how frickin’ hard that is?

You might have come up with some different phrases, or maybe a different way of languaging your process. Good for you. But did you notice how easy it was to slip back into your old way of seeing things? Did you feel how hard it was not to trudge down the same road as usual?

What does any of this matter?

It matters because it’s necessary. It matters because, in order to stay on top of the wave of a world that’s in constant flux, you have to constantly be reinventing your view on yourself. Why? Because people are constantly re-evaluating you each and every time they come in contact with you, and if you keep on spouting the same old tired platitudes, you’ll slip gently into the good night of obsoleteness.

As Hugh McLeod (of gapingvoid.com) wrote in his HughTrain Manifesto,

It’s no longer just enough for people to believe that your product does what it says on the label. They want to believe in you and what you do. And they’ll go elsewhere if they don’t.

It’s not enough for the customer to love your product. They have to love your process as well.

Now this isn’t some isolated business-speak, devoid of deeper implications or the need for actual human intimacy, here. Hugh goes on to say, “It’s not about merit. It’s about faith. Belief. Conviction. Courage. It?s about why you?re on this planet. To make a dent in the universe.” In other words, if you want to reach people, you have to dig deep. You have to extract the essence of what you’re about, and offer it up on a platter to anyone and everyone who reads you, gets in contact with you, or even remotely thinks about hiring you. And if you hope for being referred to others, be prepared to share your soul.

And, my friends, none of this can be done without some open-hearted introspection, dogged determination to strike to the core of who you are and what you do, and the genuine desire to connect with your fellow (wo)man. If you insist on mamby-pamby’ing around with superficialities, you’ll marginalize yourself. There’s too much ambient noise these days to just whimper, and expect to be heard. If you want to be heard, you’ve gotta yawp.

I know, I know…

This is tough stuff. This is bare-naked, raw-to-the-bone stuff. But it doesn’t have to be ugly. It can be a glorious sharing of your innermost desires, an arms-wide-open invitation to the world to glimpse the essence of who you are. And sharing of that magnitude rarely goes unrewarded.

Some may not like what they see. Some may object, driven by their own fears and doubts, and blame you for their pain. Others may counsel you to take a safer road, or keep hidden, or “appear professional (i.e. do ‘the ostrich routine’).” I say, let them have their way. You forge yours. Let them leave. You stay. And shine.

Some people—the right people, the people who matter—will love you for it. Why? Because you’ve given them something to love, something to wrap their hands around and hug. Those who stay hidden can’t touch, or be touched, like this.

It takes courage to step outside of your comfort zone. But that’s okay. I know you can do it. I believe in you.

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Basak

There is a saying in business: “If you are unhappy with someone’s service, ‘talk with your feet.’” Meaning, leave. They say that the window to please a customer these days is getting shorter and shorter.

But that’s a completely ridiculous course of action. (Not to mention, childish.)

The problem with this strategy is that a) you, as a patron, don’t get what you want, and b) the business doesn’t get what it wants. The business obviously wants happy customers, people to have a long-term relationship with and, ultimately, success.

But you want the same thing, right? You want whatever amazing benefit or solution you went to the company for in the first place. Say, for example, you went with a company because you liked the way they did things, i.e. you liked their service or you like their product, and while you were getting it, you were happy.

But then, they changed something. They changed the way they delivered the product, or they changed their logo or their colors (hey, I’ve known people who’ve jumped ship for smaller reasons!). Who knows what it was, but they made some change and you don’t like it.

And what is the typical response? Talk with your feet, right? You unsubscribe, leave, or just stop buying their product. Now, if you’re one of the rare few, maybe you give the company feedback before you leave, saying, “I don’t like this new change; I think you were better before.” But then, you’re gone.

But who suffers most?

You’ve left, feeling upset (but justified)… but now, you’re no longer getting the juicy stuff. You’re without the service that you went there for originally. And, unless you’re one of the rare few, the company has no idea why you’ve left. Either way, you lose, and they lose.

And here’s the long-term view: what if the company changes back? You don’t even know about it, because you’re not paying attention anymore. Big mistake.

In order to get what you want, you need to help the company to improve by giving them the feedback you have for them… and then, stick around. Be there when they change. And if they don’t, tell them again. Ask why they’re doing it the way they are. Get in their face, if you need to. It’s how relationships get worked out, and not just abandoned.

A personal example…

I had a student once in one of my classes who used to complain about just about everything (seriously). In the beginning, this drove me crazy (I figured she hated how I taught) and, of course, it brought up all my insecurities about my abilities. But then I realized it’s not that she didn’t like me… she actually loved me. She just wanted the best that I could give her, and she knew I was capable of it.

Luckily (claiming no genius on my part), I was able to put down my ego and make the changes that she asked for. And not only did it improve her experience, but it also made the class much better for everyone (they told me so after the fact). It was a win-win situation all the way around.

So, the next time a company or business that you like—be it Apple Computer, the plumber down the street, or a Thai restaurant you visit—changes anything they do for the worse, or if you just have a bad experience, tell them about it. Speak up, but then stick around and see how they make their changes.

You’ll be much happier in the end.

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L-R: Christine Kane, me, Chris Cree,Chris Garrett

No exploding tires, no big catastrophe this time, don’t worry.

But I had it in mind to write a great review of what happened at SOBCon08, and then I thought—especially in light of all the great reviews being posted out there—would that really be helpful? Would it help you to hear about the things I did, the food I ate, thepeople I talked to, and the sights I saw on my trip to Chicago this month?

No, not really. It probably wouldn’t. (Other than to give you social proof that SOBCon is great, and you should really go next year if you’re even at all curious.)

So, what would benefit you?

1. I had a great time. Now you can be happy for me.
2. It was a great catalyst for a number of decisions I needed to make, and you’ll be hearing about the fruits of those decisions very, very soon.
3. It reinforced for me the importance of friendship, community, and why it’s so great to go to events like this.

Because the information I heard was great, but it didn’t make as large an impact on me as when I went last year. At SOBCon07, I had been blogging about three weeks… so the information presented blew me away. Everything that anyone said was so helpful, so new, so eye-opening.

But this time, with a year of blogging behind me (never liked the whole ‘under my belt’ metaphor), it was the people I met and hung out with that really made the event. Last year’s connections and friendships got renewed and deepened, and I got to meet a bunch of new people, too. I even got to hug a few fabulous people I’ve known from across the world, and met face-to-face with for the first time.

And, true, I made some great business connections, too. It turns out that quite a few people are in need of a Wordpress-based webdesigner, or know people who are, and so I ran out of business cards before too long (a problem I’m happy to have). And, it was the first time I’ve really been at a public event since making the transition to full-time webdesign work, and it felt good to call myself a webdesigner, and not have to try to explain all kinds of esoteric, spiritual-intuitive stuff. (And, admittedly, it was great to be with other web-and-blog-savvy folks, so I didn’t just have to say, “I make websites…”)

In the week or so since being in Chicago, what I think back on the most was the time spent laughing, talking, eating, walking, and shmoozing with the wonderful people. As someone who works alone, at home, 99% of the time, having a chance to “press the flesh” (and I mean that in the cleanest of ways) with friends and colleagues is indispensible.

Relationships are the cornerstone of what makes life juicy, I believe.

• Looking at it in a worldly way, you could say that life isn’t made by the stuff we have, or the things we do, but by the lives we touch and the hearts we influence and are influenced by. Some of the best moments in our lives are the ones involving other people, and the deep, meaningful connections we have with them.
• Looking at it in a spiritual way, you could say (as many have and do) that we are all One. That at our core, we are all connected by the spirit that enlivens and interpenetrates everything… and the more connection we experience, the more fulfilling and meaningful our lives become. And the more we interact and relate with people, given the right intention, the more we realize this.

Of course, these are two perspectives that start where they start and meet in the middle, but I find that to be indicative of most truths. The more you look at it, the more you see the same thing being said, just from different angles.

And so, it turns to you

What’s your social situation like? Are you normally alone, or saturated by contact? And because both are important for all kinds of reasons, we each need strategies to get the right balance of what we need, when we need it, of course… but just so we don’t make this too cumbersome a conversation, let’s focus on the get-you-more-people-time side, for now (we’ll get into the get-you-more-alone-time side later.)

What do you do to get more people-time?

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tasteful_tn

This past weekend I attended SOBCon08 (the Successful and Outstanding Bloggers Conference) in Chicago, and today I had planned to write all about it. There were some fantastic messages shared, I made some great new friendships, lots of new connections, and had a blast with everyone I met.

Of course, writing about it was what I was going to do today, but… on the way home from dropping off my rental car, we had a tire blow up on the interstate. Knock on wood, we were fine, although the wheelwell got a bit ripped up when the tire’s tread flew off.

And, knock on wood, even though there were a bunch of cars around us, there were no collisions, no problems (except ours)… everyone was fine.

And, knock on wood, the tire actually still worked! The tread blew clear off, but the rest stayed on and inflated, so we could actually limp along in the shoulder until the next off-ramp. (And no, it wasn’t a retreaded tire… the guy at the tire shop said that what happened really shouldn’t have happened. But, of course, it did, so it just goes to show that improbable things actually happen all the time, just in case those of you out there with 100% normal lives were wondering.)

And, amazingly, we were able to drive on the busted-up tire all the way into the next town (over 10 miles), and then into the next town—ours—without incident. Why so far? There’s only one tire place on the way, and they didn’t have one in our size (it’s a truck tire shop, primarily). The shredded tire held its air for one last journey, and we made it all the way to Bob’s Tire Service…

… where, knock on wood, the guys were awesome. We were out the door in about fifteen minutes, with two new tires on the car (we needed two because we were driving on the spare, due to a previous blowout a month or so ago), and filled with gratitude.

And that is the reason I told you the entire story.

Because throughout the entire adventure, we were filled with gratitude about all the wonderful things that conspired to make it as easy a process as it could have been. There were so many places along the way where this story could’ve turned ugly, but it didn’t. There were so many ways in which we could have gotten negative, cursing life… but we didn’t. My girls even did fine with it, finding ways to play and look on the bright side through the whole thing.

And while it means I have to postpone the SOBCon review for another day (because I’ve got to take my daughter to our soccer practice—she plays, I coach—in a few minutes), I’m brimming with gratitude over how fantastic my day has been so far. And that choice—the choice to choose gratitude over whining—made all the difference.

So, can you cultivate a practice of gratitude?

I used to hear people talk about gratitude, and my answer would be, “psh.” I figured that gratitude was for people whose lives were going fantastically, and those of us with struggles might get there someday. But the truth of it is, gratitude is not a by-product of a fantastic life, but how you get to have one in the first place.

How?

Gratitude is not a by-product of a fantastic life, but how you get to have one in the first place.Try it. Even if the ‘fit is hitting the shan’ all around you, see if there’s something you can honestly be grateful for. At first, it might come out like, “Well, at least I’m still breathing…”, but hey, that’s a start. Start wherever you have to — that’s what I did. At the time, I was feeling a lot like Eeyore, moping about my circumstances, but I tried it anyway. And I kept trying to see the bright side, no matter how grey things were looking (and at the time, they were about as grey as an elephant wearing sweatpants in a London fog, let me tell you…).

And you know what? It works. Our lives have totally turned around in so many ways since then. And, just as in my story today, even when things aren’t completely optimal by your standards, you’ll be a lot happier about it if you can be grateful for all that’s going on that’s worth being grateful for. Because, really, there’s always something worth being happy about.

What are you grateful for? How can you, right now, see the silver lining that’s in your life? Add it to the comments below this post, please — because you never know how your words can spark profound change for someone who may read them.

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mel e mo

I don’t mind doing windows. I even enjoy sweeping and mopping, and doing laundry has never been a problem. But I can let the dishes pile up like the Matterhorn before I swing into action.

Or, up until a couple months ago, that was true. But no longer. And I’ve never been happier about it.

What, is this going to be a plug for some newfangled dish soap? A treatise on the efficient use of scrubber sponges? A born-again dishwasher-user’s manifesto? Nope, nope, and nopety-nope.

What I’m going to share with you today has the potential to save your marriage, your sanity, and help you become the kind of person you’ve perhaps dreamed you could become, but haven’t known how before. And it all boils down to a word that will have more meaning for you by the time we’re done than it probably ever has before: responsibility.

What Responsibility Has To Do With The Dishes, Your Marriage, and Happiness

You see, up until a couple months ago, doing the dishes was a chore that my wife and are co-responsible for. Meaning, we’d never really defined whose job it is to do the dishes; one of us just swings into action when the need arises, just like every other household chore (like laundry, vacuuming, and flossing the cat’s teeth. Just kidding. We don’t vacuum).

But that’s where the problem was. Because each of us was responsible, neither of us took charge of the situation until one of us independently came to the conclusion that we could stand it no longer (we both despise doing the dishes), and dragged ourselves grudgingly to the sink and got going.

The result, of course, is that there were dishes awaiting attention pretty much all the time, and the kitchen sink continued to be an eyesore, which only made us more reluctant to engage with it. And the aversion to dishes continued, and would’ve no doubt continued indefinitely, had I not had an epiphany one day. It went something like this:

Suck it up and be a man.

Well, maybe it was a bit more compassionate than that, but that was pretty close. I just came to the realization that I would be happier if I would take responsibility for having the dishes be done. In essence, I would slide ‘doing the dishes’ from the shared responsibility pile into my pile, and be done with it. “When there were dishes to do,” I told myself, “I’m the one who’ll do them.”

I didn’t say a word about to my wife — who will hear about this entire subject for the first time if/when she reads this — because it wasn’t about me being the noble one, or bartering to get out of doing anything else. I didn’t want this to become “my task” and therefore make some other job become “her task.” I just wanted to take this on as my personal charge, because I wanted it to be done. It didn’t have anything to do with anyone or anything else.

But the effect has been nothing less than revolutionary.

Oh sure, the dishes don’t pile up anymore, and that’s nice. I do them a lot more than I used to, and yes, my wife has remarked on occasion how great it is that I’m doing the dishes so much. Happy happy, joy joy. La dee da.

Where this has made its impact is not even so much in the kitchen, as much as everywhere else in my life, including my work, my health, and how our family spends its time.

• I get to the gym religiously, at least four days a week.
• I don’t slouch on my eating regimen, except for my one free day each week.
• I don’t procrastinate at work anymore, even though I’m a keystroke away from the internet and all its distractionary potential all day long.
• I’m conscious of how I spend every moment with people, and I’m learning how to make the most of every interaction, not letting the important stuff go unsaid or unacknowledged anymore.
• and on and on…

Deciding to take responsibility for something, completely independent of the choices of others, has helped me to grow up. I know that probably sounds funny coming from the mouth of a 36-year-old, but it’s true. I may be a married father of two, but my self-concept is still one of a freewheeling 20-something-year-old, living in my first apartment and tasting independence and freedom for the first time (take a moment and think of how you consider yourself; do you think of yourself being your chronological age?). And so, making this decision to step up and do what I needed to do, for me, has been a pivotal part of becoming an adult. Because I believe (evidenced by the world around me) that being an adult, a sovereign decision-maker and responsible person, is a state of mind, not a condition of your years.

This isn’t the first thing I’ve been responsible for, obviously. I used to be the director of an intentional community. I’ve been an independent professional for years. I’ve been a lifeguard, a coach, and held positions of authority many times. But making the decision to be ‘big’, with no input whatsover from the world around you, is liberating as heck. It creates a level of strength and confidence within you, because you’re no longer relying on anyone or anything else to give you power and authority; you’re claiming it for yourself. And that kind of inner potency is going to have a glorious spillover effect in all kinds of ways in your life.

Now, it’s your turn…

When you look at your own life, where would taking on the responsibility for something make a noticeable impact in the quality of your life? And hey, start small… I started with the dishes, for pete’s sake.

But start. Make a decision to take charge of something. And you don’t have to tell anyone about it… you just have to do it. And then see what kind of effect it has on you.

You just may find, as I have, that choosing to accept responsibility for something has a much greater impact on your life than you ever thought possible.

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macieklew on Flickr

When I first began studying healing and spiritual development, I was not the emotionally literate version of me you see before you today (hey you, snickering in the back— I saw that!). I was an all-too-common example of someone who had a really hard time showing his true colors, for fear of rejection and all. The trick is, when you don’t open up to others because you’re afraid of not being loved, you end up not being loved nearly as much as you could, because you’re practically invisible.

One of my teachers, who was an avid Rumi fan, shared a poem with me one day called “Cry Out In Your Weakness.” It tore at my heart, rending apart the fears and hesitations that kept me from putting myself out to others, and helped remind me that as much as my pain felt normal to me, it wasn’t in my best interests to keep steeping in it.

Here you go:

A dragon was pulling a bear into its terrible mouth
A courageous man went and rescued the bear.

There are such helpers in the world, who rush to save anyone who cries out.
Like mercy itself, they run toward the screaming. And they can’t be bought off.

If you were to ask one of those, “Why did you come so quickly?” he or she would say, “Because I heard your helplessness.”

Where lowland is, that’s where water goes. All medicine wants is pain to cure.

And don’t just ask for one mercy. Let them flood in. Let the sky open under your feet.

Take the cotton out of your ears, the cotton of consolations, so you can hear the sphere-music. Push the hair out of your eyes. Blow the phlegm from your nose, and from your brain.

Let the wind breeze through. Leave no residue in yourself from that bilious fever.
Take the cure for impotence, that your manhood may shoot forth, and a hundred new beings come of your coming.

Tear the binding from around the foot of your soul, and let it race around the track in front of the crowd. Loosen the knot of greed so tight on your neck. Accept your new good luck.

Give your weakness to one who helps. Crying out loud and weeping are great resources.

A nursing mother, all she does is wait to hear her child. Just a little beginning-whimper, and she’s there. God created the child, that is, your wanting, so that it might cry out, so that milk might come.

Cry out! Don’t be stolid and silent with your pain. Lament! And let the milk of loving flow into you.

The hard rain and wind are ways the cloud has to take care of us.

Be patient. Respond to every call that excites your spirit. Ignore those that make you fearful and sad, that degrade you back toward disease and death.

This poem, especially the last four lines, have always strengthened my resolve to live fully, no matter how scary it might seem, or how much it might feel overwhelming to stare down the ugly beast of social normalcy and say, “You there, the sad creature with the ‘Preserve The Status Quo’ t-shirt on— it’s time for you to shut up.”

Because heaven knows there are forces, both within you and mirrored around you, that would love for you to slink back into the shadows, and settle for less. I say, it’s time to kick those freeloaders out. Time for you to embrace your passion (as overworked as that phrase can feel, it’s got kernels of genius in it). Time to stand up and be counted.

It’s Funny How Things Get Started

Take for an example, this post. What I meant to write about was the no-man-is-an-island need for us to embrace feedback in our lives. And, even when it feels like too much vulnerability to ask, to ask anyway. Because, as Rumi so eloquently penned, “Take the cotton out of your ears”… and, “Cry out! Don’t be stolid and silent with your pain. Lament! And let the milk of loving flow into you.”

Instead, it turned into a siren-call for living life on your own terms. Or, at least, it did to me.

And, I’d still love to get around to that whole “feedback” thing…

I Need Your Input

I’m craving it, actually. It’s the fuel that keeps me writing, and I’m realizing how much I’ve been running on empty. Be clear: I’m not blaming you— heavens no. How can you fault the man for not rescuing the bear from the jaws of the dragon, if the bear never cries out for help? So, this is me, crying out in my weakness, asking for your input on this site.

Answering the call is as easy as leaving a comment below. Here are my questions:

• What do you think of this site? Design-wise, content-wise, etc. Easy/Hard to navigate? Like/Hate the new layout?
• What do you think of this new direction in my writing? Miss the Monk? I’d really like to know…
• What do you want from me? How have I helped you or inspired you before?

I’ve got other questions, too, but these are the important ones. The ones clawing at my soul. The ones that need relief from the “bilious fever” of isolation.

And thank you.

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