This time of year is supposed to be a great time of year.  Holiday parties, people getting in the holiday spirit…Christmas music playing at every corner of everywhere we go.  Churches are in the process of the Christmas Programsect ect ect.   Usually by this time of year I am in full swing of the Christmas spirit.  But this year… this year I’m struggling.

As most of you know Karen and I are in the process of adopting our son Jayden, and currently he is living in a medical facility.  Before we can bring him home we have to be trained on everything possible from handwashing, and diapering (easy stuff) to learning to care for his Trachiostomy (semi difficult).  We are driving 80-90 mins one way 4 days a week to train, and then 2 days a week for normal family visits.   (I’m tired just writing it out.)  So needless to say Karen and I’s focus has been on doing what we need to do to bring Jayden home with us.

It is so easy for me to get caught up in the process of what we need to do to bring home our son that I have to be reminded of what this time of year is truly about.  This week at church the message was about Peace.   It was something that I really needed to hear.   I needed to be reminded once again that Christ is there for me with a peace to help calm my nerves.   He is there with a peace to remind me to be present in the “now” and not looking forward to the future.  He is there with a peace to remind me not to be a jerk to my friends and family.

So…. I’m trying.  I’m trying now to shift my focus to allowing myself to enjoy this week…even in the midst of all the craziness we have going on.  I’m trying to remind myself that even though my family isn’t together completely that I can find the peace in the process of bringing us all together once again. I’m trying to remind myself that Christ is in the center of everything we are doing to bring Jayden home. How all the events leading up to Jayden have been orchestrated by Him, and that Jayden will be brought home in His perfect timing.

All I’m saying is…. I’m trying.

After the death of our son Gavin in 2009 my wife and I always knew adoption was going to be a part of how we expanded our family. Specifically adopting children who have special needs. Our daughter Angela’s adoption was finalized in June 2011, and and we have now been matched with our son Jayden and are in the process of transitioning him out of the medical facility that he has lived in since birth……

You can read the rest right over here…

But it’s what happened after that really struck a chord with me. When the people of the village Jabesh Gilead heard what had happened they sent out a group of men to risk their lives collect the bodies of Saul and his sons to give them a proper burial. They traveled day and night to do this. Then in my devotional I was reminded why they did this. Back when Saul was first king he saved that village when they were under attack and this village never forgot what he did for them all those years ago. After all this time this village was still thankful for his protection that he had shown them.

After finishing my devotion I was reminded that we are in that same boat. Words cannot describe how thankful I am for all of our friends and family for over the past several years. The amount of love, and kindness that has been shown to our family is completely unfathomable. Seriously it really blows me away just thinking of it.

Karen & I are so grateful for all of the love, kindness, and compassion that has been shown to us. I wish I could let each and everyone of you know just how much we love and appreciate you all.

Our family is not where we are today by making it on our own. We here today because of Christ, and most importantly because of you.

Thank You.

That is a word that I have heard and used many times.  All through Gavin’s life it was a major theme with Karen and I.  We were trusting in God and His plan even though we had no idea where it was going to lead us.  So you think by this time in my life I would have the whole “trusting in God” thing down.   errrrr WRONG.

The past couple weeks at work have been challenging.  Not because my job is difficult or completely mentally exhausting…but because I am just not interested or passionate about working in a cubicle looking a spreadsheets for 8hrs aday 40 hours a week.   What’s that you say… What am I passionate about?   Now that my friend is a million dollar question.  I feel like God has me in a transition period.  transitioning for what I dunno…but I feel like there is something else out there for me, and that is what I have really been trying to focus on and try to listen for God’s voice and follow where He is leading.  I know that there is some personal work that I need to do…. and that while I am working on “me” this is where God has me at this particular moment.  So that brings me back to my job.  The past couple weeks I’ve been having a miserable attitude and my focus has been zero.  And just this week I was whining  talking to a friend just throwing a “pity me” party..and you know what… He didn’t pity me and in fact he gave me some great advice.  After that advice I decided to get up get some fresh air and as I was taking a stroll around my office building I felt like God was saying to me.. “Adam… didn’t you trust me when you still had Gavin?  Didn’t you believe that no matter what I was in control?  So now what’s different…why aren’t you trusting me”   Ouch…  and honestly He was right.  Believe it or not it’s so much easier to trust when our life is in complete disarray.  But when things aren’t “that” bad we feel like we can handle it on our own.

Right now I am doing a 90 day study of David, and how he went from being a shepherd to how he became King of Israel.  Throughout this whole story there is the ever present theme of trust, and even when David didn’t feel like trusting in God he continued to remember the promises that God gave to him.  While reading through the life of David I can see so much of me in him…knowing that i have some of the same traits as David and its been eye opening to see some of the parells between us.

So yesterday afternoon I got a new perspective.  I understand that this job I have is only temporary…. it is where God has me for now in this period of my life.   I need to continue to focus on what God is doing on the inside of me… focus on the change that he wants to bring from the inside out, and once those changes come through then He and I will focus on the outside change.

It’s crazy to say that I am learning to trust God in “non life threatening” circumstances.  Usually it goes the other way around.  But that’s ok.   I am just thankful that I have a God who can deal with my whiny melt downs, and that he has placed people in my life that are there to help me refocus and get back to what is important.

So how about you… How do you handle trusting God.. is it something you struggle with?

Gavin… I love you.  I miss you.  These are the memories that I hold onto until I see you again.

If you missed it you can read the beautiful post Karen wrote.

“…sometimes sadness is beautiful…”

That was a quote that I heard this past Sunday at the Remembrance Service at duPont.  I think if I would have heard that quote years ago I would have disagreed.  But reflecting over the past 5 years I would have to agree with that.

During the service on Sunday we remembered.  We remembered not only Gavin but all the children who have passed away at duPont. Going into the service I knew it would be difficult.  But I wanted to be there.

With each name read I knew we were getting closer.  Closer to Gavin’s name. Before you know it there were 4 names, then 3, and out of no where my face just flashes red and my heart starts pumping.. the emotion of that they are going to call Gavin’s name just overwhelms my heart.

Finally I hear it……. Gavin Owens

There is something so emotional hearing your childs name be called and to be in that moment of silence just completely wrecked me.  But in the midst of all the emotions that flooded me I remembered that little quote.  In my sadness… my deep sorrow there is a beautiful Savior who is there to comfort me.  Because I cannot do this alone.  I can’t handle this grief by myself.  I need my Savior to give the strength to move on… to move forward.

Through losing Gavin I have learned that sadness is ok… tears are ok… being heartbroken for my son is ok… because I have a God who can handle it, and He is there to comfort me, and extend His Grace to Karen and I to be able to make it through.

So I will continue to walk this road knowing that when my sadness comes, I have my beautiful Savior to stand with me through it.

I got my group of kids together and did the whole.. “Hi I’m Madi’s Dad” speech and then it happened.  Little “Jimmy” says.  ”Hi Mr. Owens…I’m Jimmy”  I wanted to look around cause for a moment I thought my dad walked into the room.  Who is this Mr. Owens guy he was……oh wait.  It was me.  I am now Mr. Owens.   The past couple weeks I have been realizing that I am getting older.  The first realization was 2 weeks ago at a sweet 16 party.  When over speakers came the Electric Slide, and none of these 16 year old kids knew how to do it.  So guess who had to teach them…. this guy!  I had to walk out on the dance floor and teach these kids a dance that I thought everybody already knew how to to do…but apparently not.   Sorry I kinda got off on a bunny trail there.  I digress… Field trip back on topic.

The actual “field trip” portion of the day was really cool.  The wild life sanctuary was great and the kids really picked up on a lot of the stuff the ladies were teaching them.  My group of kids that I was responsible for did great.  There were a couple that I swear the parents hyped them up on sugar in the morning on purpose.. but I can’t confirm that.   The thin I really enjoyed about his trip is it really give me a moment to take a step back and watch Madison.  Watch her listen… watch her learn… watch her interact with her classmates.  I know our kids can drive us bananas and there are days we wonder what the heck we were thinking trying to parents, but there are those days when you can see you kids and know with out a shadow of a doubt we are doing something right.

Karen and I always wonder how Madi is doing.  She has been through a very tramatic early childhood, and that makes us worry about any behavior stuff as she gets older. But today I got to see that Karen & I are raising a really good girl.  To see how kind she is to her classmates, how willing she is to help anyone really made my daddy heart proud.  She is such a special little girl and I know that God has big plans for her.  I believe it. Today was a reminder that I needed to see that how we have raised Madison has been the best for her, and that we just gotta keep doing what we are doing…cause it is obviously working.

So that’s my rant about my baby girl.  I love her more than words can describe.  And when I look at her sometimes I can’t believe how fast she is growing up…and then I realize that the dating scene is really only just around the corner…..blink….blink.  Umm excuse me while I go HomeDepot to buy some locks for her door.

]]> http://adamowens.com/2011/10/field-trip/feed/ 8 http://adamowens.com/2011/10/over-due-update/ http://adamowens.com/2011/10/over-due-update/#comments Mon, 17 Oct 2011 00:04:17 +0000 Adam http://adamowens.com/?p=904 Well I haven’t blogged since July… J U L Y… geez louise. Oh well no excuses. I just didn’t feel the need to blog.. nor did I have the desire to sit down and blog. So it’s OK.

Life has been busy…insane… whatever you want to call it. Most of you who read this know that we have already started the adoption process again so thus starts getting stuff around and the search our child to fit into our family. But what REALLY brought me out of retirement from my blog hiatus has been this hospital stay. Most of you know that on Thursday Angela had surgery. She had a Nissen Fundoplication.  Angela’s surgery went great. The surgeon was really impressed with how well everything went which was great news. Now 3 days post-op Angela is doing ok but we are now having some bigger issues with feeding and her stomach is not tolerating the feeds that we are trying to push. Today the surgeon said they will see how she is doing Tuesday/Wednesday this week… I’m sorry did he just say Tuesday or Wednesday…. ugh. Well not much we can do about that so we need to just deal with it.

The one thing with hospital stays that I kindof forgot is how much time you have to just sit…..and think. Really thats all you can do besides trying to entertain a 6 year old and a 3 year old and now become a house by eating tons of crappy food. Lots of memories have flooded my mind about Gavin, and how we used to live so much of our life here in the midst of these hospital walls. All of the nurses seeing Madison for the first time in 2 years and commenting how big she is now reminds me that it will be 2 years since we lost our little Gavin. Every corner in this place reminds us of something different. But for Madi.. this place is totally different. Karen and I have seen first hand this stay just how much she doesn’t remember. From simple things like asking Madi to run to the kitchen on the unit to grab a drink. She didn’t know where it was at ….to many of the other aspects of the hospital she doesn’t remember. Which makes us feel good and sad all in the same moment. Madi lived here from 16 months until she was 4 yrs old. So part of us thinks how could she NOT remember this place. But then I think….hmmm how much do I actually remember from being 4 yrs old and my response is not much. It just poses a question to Karen and I how much do we want her to remember, but there have been things that we have just left go.

So now I am just sitting here. Karen and Madi left for a “mommie/daughter” date and I am trying to get a overly exhausted girl to take a nap, and in the midst of everything all I can do is just sit and think. Flooded with old and new memories and just trying to process everything.

Many of you have asked how you can pray. There are several things.

• Pray for Angela’s stomach to “wake up” and start being able to handle feeds so that we will be able to start giving her some nutrition.
• Pray for sleep. For both Karen and Angela. Karen is going on 3 days with minimal sleep.
• Pray that through all of this Angela doesn’t lose all her knowledge of learning to eat by mouth. She has come so far in the past year to learn how to eat by mouth that we really hope she doesn’t lose all the ground we have made.
• Lastly just pray for a quick recovery from he Fundo surgery. If you click the link about Fundo’s you can exactly see what they did to stomach.

Thanks for all the text, tweets, and FB messages from everyone. We really appreciate everyones concern for us and our family. You guys (and gals) are the best.

But this past week I have kind-of been in a funk spiritually…. I struggle a lot with self confidence issues and tend to compare myself to others a lot.  It’s a vicious cycle that I can just get stuck in and just internally go over things that I’m not, and stuff I wish I could do.   But this morning as I was driving to the gym  I was listening to this song and I just felt as I was preparing my heart to hear the words God was saying.. “this song was written for you…. I love you Adam because I created you”  I then started listening to this as a love song from God to me.  That everything in my past… that I’ve struggled with doesn’t scare Him.. it doesn’t make Him shy away from me.  Christ has NEVER stopped pining for me. He has always continued to reach out to me even in the deepest darkest pit that I’ve created for myself.

This morning I’ve decided that I want to encounter Christ.  Like Kim says  we are NEVER the same after we encounter God.  And I so want that more than ever in my life.  I am so tired of just going along with the status quo.  I am ready to take that step out and make some changes to really get shaken by Him to have Christ come in and wreck me from the inside out.  I am wanting thing change not only for me.. but for my family.  I want to be the spiritual leader of our house.  I want us to grow closer to Christ as a family.

I don’t know where you are in your walk with Christ.  Maybe you’ve been a christian for as long as you can remember.. or maybe you only have recently made a decision to follow Him.  But maybe its time that we all have a real encounter with Him.  I want to encourage you to not get comfortable like I have.  We need to work daily to have a real thriving relationship with Him.  He can only do so much to get our attention.  We need to make the choice to run to Him and fall on our knees and follow Him.

If you have known me for any point in time in real life, or over the interwebs you probably know that I like to talk. I’m a “talker”, a talk’oholic if you will. I mean I am at almost 21,000 tweets in just under 2 years so that should give you an indication that I can converse with just about anyone, just about anything.

But yesterday I was talking Brandon, and I made the comment and realization that my talking with God has really taken a back seat lately and I really needed to fix that. That is one area of my walk I get so hung up on and I’m not sure why. I remember when Gavin was sick. I prayed a lot. For peace, strength, healing, wisdom. You name it I probably prayed it. But in my own head now I feel like… well God knows my thoughts why do I need to say them out loud. (which is totally a backwards thought I know) But it’s is what is being fed to me to not open up my yapper and just talk to God.

This morning I have been looking up verses on prayer, and a few I have heard over and over again but some struck a new chord in me this morning.

Don’t fret or worry.  Instead of worrying, pray.  Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns.  -Phillippians 4:6

So let’s walk right up to him and get what he is so ready to give.  Take the mercy, accept the help. – Hebrews 4:16

That verse in Hebrews I can’t even tell you how many times that has been given to me, or how many times I have heard it.   I have always associated that verse for when I was in trouble or a hard spot or “needed” help.   But  what I have got from this verse this morning is that we always need help….always.  Even when times are going well I still need His help.  I can’t do this life on my own because when I do, then I start to feel like I’ve been feeling.  Which is stressed, out of sorts, not sleeping great, and just restless.

So yesterday on my way from work… God and I talked…w had a conversation, and basically just got caught up.  And you know what?  it was nice. I need to be more intentional about doing this everyday.  Even though God knows everything about me, He still wants to hear from me because He loves me and wants to be apart of everything in my life.  I just need to let me be apart of it.

*raises my coffee mug* So here is to more talking… *cheers*

What about you?   How’s your conversation with God been lately, and whats your favorite milk shake?