Let’s start with the background.  Three years ago, while in law school and working at the Department of Justice, I met a life coach.  Suddenly, I was made present to something I had been searching for for the past 5 years: a career that aligned with who I am.  From that moment on, I vowed to create a successful coaching practice.

Much to the chagrin of my own impatience, I still had 1.5 years and a year of articling to finish before I could fully embrace what I now knew to be the next step for me.  Half way through my year of articling, my principal agreed to allow me to practice law part-time while I built my coaching practice.  It would have been so easy to say yes – it was the safety net that I wanted.  It would protect me, if I failed.  But it was also more of the same.  It was more of me choosing everything, instead of actually making a choice.

So I made a choice.  I told my principal I would not be staying on with him after the year finished.  That I would not continue practicing law.  And, on June 6, 2013, I finished my last day as a lawyer.

This series is intended to document the first year of this process for me, and hopefully provide some inspiration and encouragement to other entrepreneurs that are on the precipice of choosing what they want and confronting their fears.

A week ago today was my first day working for myself (http://evergrowthcoaching.com).  What I had was five clients lined up, two people that I was training as a coach through one of the two programs I graduated from (http://accomplishmentcoaching.com), and enough income saved up with my wife to provide us with a four-month runway.

Four months might seem like a long time if you are working a secure job, but if you are me, with my stuff, and my fears, it seems like an impossibly short period of time.

Throughout the time I spent in school, I let people know what I was up to and what I intended to do after graduation.  I offered people complimentary sessions, even though I was worried they would judge me for it and think I was making a mistake (which was actually me projecting my own fears and stories onto them – most people were incredibly supportive).

While articling, I experienced a lot of demands on my time.  It never felt like there was enough time during the day, and no matter what it was, every interruption felt like it was taking away from precious time.  Ironically, there was an abundance of time, and Darren was great about how I spent my time.

This pressure came along for the ride when I switched to working for myself.  Sure, I woke up each morning and jogged or biked (which I missed doing immensely), but I was ever cognizant of the hands of the clock.  What time did I absolutely need to be out of the house by to ensure I was back in time to get everything accomplished?

So that’s the lesson I’ve learned this week – the pressure comes from within.  Now don’t get me wrong, the legal profession is hungry for people that will self-impose this pressure, and is happy to toss some of its own demands on to the back of your pressure-camel (believe it or not, facility with metaphor is both a strong legal and coaching trait).  However, at the end of the day, the pressure is internal, and if you want to fight it off, you have to start by addressing the story from within.

This is a scary journey, but it’s the right one, because it’s my passion.  This is what I know to be true: follow your passion, and you will succeed.  Follow your fear, and you will get more fear.

See you next week.

P.S. Yes, those are my socks, and yes, I am very pleased with them.

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However, goals like losing weight, or creating a particular physique?  I hold that people will judge me for announcing goals like that.  What you might not be able to see is that that is just an indication that I judge myself and other people for holding goals like that – and then I project it onto everyone around me.

(Fun exercise: notice your stories about how other people are judging you, and then notice that those are actually your own judgments projected outward.  It works every time).

So, here’s my declaration that is scary.  By December 31st, 2013, the end of this year, I will be cut.  What does that mean?  A few things – six-pack abs, and arms that are tight in the sleeves of my t-shirts.  It also means minimal fat around my stomach (that kind of goes with the abs), and a weight goal.

For most of my adult life, I’ve hovered around 185 lbs.  In general, it didn’t matter what I ate, what I did, what I drank, I’d kind of just sit at this weight.  Sometimes I would try to reduce my weight, and drop down to 180, but then inevitably bounce back up.  Of course the body fluctuates upwards and downwards around this point, but that was kind of my default weight.

It wasn’t until last year that I got the idea that I wanted to try creating something different.  I went about it the same way I usually do.  At first I developed some strategies, and then I put them into place.  I was counting calories, I was exercising reasonably regularly.  But then, when I didn’t achieve short-term success, I would give up.  Or I would decide that I didn’t really want to meet my goal that much anyhow.

This year, I took on something different, and really designed my project.  What was I doing this for?  It wouldn’t be easy (otherwise I’d already have achieved it).  Also, what would need to be different in order to actually make this happen?  In the past, I’ve given up once my resistance shows up – the initial euphoria of commitment wears off, and then, hey, I don’t really want to switch from beer to water right now, do I?

I’ve also had a goal to cut down on my drinking.  I probably came out of the womb with this goal.  It’s been a long time anyhow.  I’ve tried in the past and failed.  What would need to be different?

Here are the things I identified I needed to do, and why:

• No more than two drinks a day.

I read at one point an article that said men should drink no more than four drinks a day, and fourteen drinks in a week in order to avoid increasing their risk of cancer (and even then, that’s probably on the generous side).  So I tried this.  But I discovered that four drinks is just way too close to my inhibition threshold.  At the end of the fourth drink, it is just a tiptoe away from a fifth drink and once I’ve done that, the sixth, seventh and eighth drinks follow rapidly.  No, two drinks left me a good deal farther away from my inhibition threshold, and would be a worthy practice to try out.

• No more bread.

I sure love bread.  I loved it so much that I would eat a baguette a day for a while.  That’s a lot of bread!  I would also eat bread with pasta (doesn’t seem so weird when you’re at a restaurant, but it’s pretty ridiculous when you consider how many carbs and calories you’re eating).  Bread is a massive source of calories.  If I really wanted to drop some weight, I would need to cut out some of the big ways that I cheat.  Bread was the obvious one.

• Really get clear on my caloric intake

In the past I’ve tracked calories, but just guessed at a lot of stuff.  Do you know how much granola half a cup is?  I do – if you pinch your thumb and forefinger together, it’s about the amount of granola that would fit between them.  Seriously, I was amazed at how little granola that actually is, and then amazed again when I learned that alone contains 250 calories.  Granola is horrible for you!  No wonder it tastes so delicious.

The process of measuring out how much 1/2 a cup was allowed me to gain an understanding of what I was actually eating.  With that knowledge, instead of having 2 cups of granola (and I bet you it was more than that) and milk for breakfast, I would have raspberries, blackberries, strawberries, low-fat yogurt, and a very small sprinkle of granola.  So long 1000 calories.  Hello 200 calories.

(NOT in-line with my commitment.)

Sometimes it’s really hard.  Two drinks is not a lot, and during a day when I meet up with friends for lunch, and then other friends for dinner, I really want to have more to drink.  But then, some people never drink, and others only occasionally.  So what was really going on here?  What was it that I was missing – what way of being did drinking provide me?

Noticing this kind of resistance coming up in me, and simply being with it, with curiosity and acceptance, helped a great deal.  It created a space where it was okay to have a want, without actually acting on it.  It allowed for something new.

This week at my parents, I weighed myself, and saw that I’d gotten down to 176 lbs.  Only one lb to go.  I couldn’t believe it – I had never gotten to this point before.

So from, what’s next is:

• Raise my caloric intake to maintain this weight.
• Continue with a limit of two drinks a day.
• Begin lifting weights again so as to build the muscle mass I want.

That’s what I have to share.  It’s a little vulnerable, because you might think that I’m vain for having goals like this, but that’s my interpretation, not yours.  Here’s to breaking that up.

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[7:25:25 AM] Adam Quiney hears braying in the distance.
[7:25:25 AM] Adam Quiney peers into a gem.
[7:25:42 AM] Adam Quiney looks north-west and chuckles to himself.
[7:25:48 AM] Adam Quiney leaves north-west.
[7:52:56 AM] Adam Quiney arrives from the west.
[7:53:06 AM  Adam Quiney drops beef jerky on the floor.
[7:53:25 AM] Adam Quiney drops beef jerky on the floor.
[7:53:29 AM] Adam Quiney drops beef jerky on the floor.
[7:53:41 AM] Adam Quiney removes an enchanted hauberk of Ragnarok.
[7:54:00 AM]Adam Quiney unreadies a morningstar of calamity.  It glows malevolently.
[8:10:22 AM] Adam Quiney drinks from a smooth wine skin.

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Coaching is a young profession, and there are an ever-expanding number of books available should you want to read them.  As a professional coach, I am always reading new books for my practice.

Some of these books read like textbooks, and are boring and dull.  They’re also pretty unhelpful, because coaching isn’t about what you do, or how you do it – it’s about how you’re being.  Are you scared with a client?  That’s a problem – it’s going to cause you to get on court with them and avoid asking them the question that might simultaneously get you fired but also move your client forward into a whole new realm of possibility.

Some books have great information, but the writing lags and is difficult to slog through.  Sometimes it feels like the author is really belabouring their point without actually building on anything.  These books could probably be produced as pamphlets and have a greater impact (who doesn’t love a pamphlet?).

And sometimes, the author just nails it.  Undefended Love is one such book.  Bay and I have taught marriage preparation courses together, seen a counselor together for over five years (it doesn’t mean you’re broken!) and worked on our own relationship issues since we first began dating over ten years ago.  I am no stranger to relationship books.

In general, I actually like relationship books.  I enjoyed Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, even if it was a little simplistic.  It was a book designed to appeal to the greatest number of people, and I think that the core idea of understanding that, whether due to socialization or genetics, men and women operate differently, is extremely helpful.  That’s the kind of concept that I can apply to every relationship in my life – not just the one I have with Bay.

Undefended Love nails it.  

I can always tell how good a book like this is by the edge-test. See, years ago, my mother-in-law gave me a tin of these little things for my birthday:

She said that maybe I could put them into some of my legal books and they would look lawyerly.  Little did she know she was pointing me down the path to full-blown obsession.  These days I can’t read a good book without a tin nearby.

These things are just so damn elegant, and I love the way my books look after I’ve finished reading them.

The edge-test involves me picking up a book and looking at the edge, opposite the spine.  The more of these little darts I can see in the pages, the more I got out of the book.

Undefended Love weighs a few pounds heavier because of the number of darts I put in it.  You can see at the top of this post how well it scored.

So far I’ve spent a lot of time talking about what I don’t like about a lot of books, and how I rate books.  Pretty terrible book review.  Let me improve that a little bit.

Undefended Love strikes such a chord with me because it starts and ends at the only place that matters: you.  More specifically, your heart, but if that concept causes you to recoil up into your mind (as it used to, me) then stick with the more general ”you”.

Undefended Love doesn’t so much posit ways to better understand our partner, but rather, ways to better understand ourselves.  Many of the relationship books I’ve read simply fail by virtue of the fact that they are focused almost entirely on how better to understand your partner.  While this isn’t without merit (in fact it’s pretty important), we spend most of our time ignoring the fact that we are entirely responsible for generating our own experience.  If things are sour and our partner doesn’t seem willing to open up to us with getting in to a fight, the most important place to look is within.

“How am I being that is creating this pattern?”

Undefended Love provides strategies and approaches to take, certainly, but it’s the underlying assumption guiding this book’s wisdom that really makes a difference.  That was summed up for me in this one sentence:

“The distance from your pain is the distance from your partner”.

That sentence hit me softly and powerfully.  I invite you to take a moment and just sit with that statement.  It is significant.

I read a little further before turning around and coming back and sitting with it myself.  So often we want true vulnerability from our partner (or even from our friends), but find it eludes us.  The farther away we push our own pain, the more difficult it is to open up and allow our partners in.  If we are unable to be with our own pain, imagine how it is going to go when our partners, lovingly and with all good intentions, inadvertently say or do something that triggers that pain?

Beautifully, Undefended Love asserts that our intimate relationships can serve as the training ground for our own growth.  When we can allow ourselves to be truly vulnerable with our partners, we gain access to all of ourselves and can create shifts that would not be possible on our own.

Undefended Love is, at its core, a coaching book, because it turns the focus inwards.  We are 100% responsible for our experience.  If your partner does something that really irritates you, look inward and see what that is triggering in you.  What previously invisible pain is that touching on?  What is the gift in that experience?

I wholeheartedly recommend this book, to both coaches and people that want more out of their relationships.  It is easy to read and significant in its content, and above all else, it passes the edge-test.

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On my soccer team, I was our sweeper.  I was good at it, because I was really fast, and I could deal with almost anyone that came into my zone.  The sweeper’s role is to act as the last defendant before the goalie.  Because the goalie has such a large area of net to cover, the sweeper really needs to take away any ability of the opposing forward to get within range to score a goal.

I took all of that and made it into an incredible amount of pressure.  Because the goalie had such a massive area to defend, it was really on me to stop the opposing team.  And if I didn’t, and the opposing team scored, it was really symbolic of a failure on my part.

The concept of team eventually grew to mean added pressure, without any benefit.  It wasn’t like the forwards or the mid-fielders were there to stop people once they’d reached me.  It was me against the world.

And, because of how I’d created it, it wasn’t like the goalie was really allowed to share in my loss either.  He didn’t stop the goal, but how could he – he had such a huge net to deal with.

I had two other defenders on my team as well, but they weren’t the sweeper.  Sure, they could hamper the other team, but they didn’t really have the responsibility that I did.  They weren’t sweeping!  That was my job.  My duty.

No.  Any failure for the team in the form of a goal being scored against us represented a failure of myself.

This was the point when I created team as burden.

At home, we had chores.

After dinner, my brother and I either had to do dishes, or clear the table.  Obviously clearing the table was the better job, because it was faster, and you were done before the guy that got stuck doing dishes.

Although after-dinner chores were miles better than having to bring in firewood (you either had to wear uncomfortable gloves or risk getting painful splinters), they still sucked.  In general, they were something to deal with and put behind you as soon as possible.

Now and then, I would feel charitable and want to make my parents really impressed with who I was.  I would volunteer to help out with the dishes, even though it wasn’t my job.  You may not be able to appreciate the magnanimity of this action, but suffice to say that it was only one peg below the sum total of Robin Hood’s life.  I was being generous.

The shitty thing was that instead of being thankful, I had the flaws in my dishwashing technique pointed out.

Back came the dishes.

“Hey, it’s great that you’re helping, but you still need to do a good job”.

And, although there was what appeared to be gratitude and thanks in that statement, it was irrelevant, because it was magically erased by the power of the word “but” (the only word that can make people forget things better than “sorry”).

That was when I created supporting other people to mean that you could expect a lack of gratitude and more work than you signed up for.

Getting supported on things like homework really just meant more work too.  I knew that if I asked for help with my homework, it would really mean having to do my work differently than I wanted to, or that I would have to do it “better”.  It was simpler just to do it myself.

Did you ever have to do group projects at school?

I did too.  They inevitably meant that I was the one that cared the most about our grades, and that if I didn’t bust my ass, I would be the one losing out (since no one else seemed to care).

So it was here that I created asking or being supported simply meant that I would be no better off and would likely have to do more work to support the people that were supposed to be supporting me.

Here’s the deal:

This is no longer supporting me.

In fact, it is completely bankrupt.

I am taking on things in my life that are far beyond what I have taken on before.  I cannot make good on the commitments that I am up to without support.  I can go on believing my old stories about support, and in fact, if I want to, it won’t be hard for me to find evidence that proves that I’m correct.

I won’t need to look hard to find proof that in asking for support, I’m actually creating more work for myself.  I’ve honed my vision to see exactly that.  It’s predictable and it’s what I’ve been seeking evidence for ever since I first got helped with my homework.

I don’t want to do that anymore.  I want to create something new.

Last month, I posted a link to these Fluevog shoes on Facebook, and I asked for support in helping me get them.

All I needed was to have two people observing our group of participants at Accomplishment Coaching.  It’s kind of weird, because this is a huge opportunity to see some people really working through some serious stuff.  It’s pretty inspiring.

And while I got some positive feedback, and a few likes on Facebook, I didn’t actually get a lot of support beyond that.

And it’s okay, because it’s okay that support doesn’t show up the way I want it to.

But now I’m asking for more support.  I’m asking that you actually share my link, and that you make a little more effort than simply clicking that “like” button.

I’m not asking for money – just that you think of someone you know that might be interested, and pass this along to them.

Here’s what I’m playing for this time:

1. an entirely new way of looking at support;
2. being and providing support for the growth of my wife and her team;
3. a huge breakthrough for me around being supported;
4. getting supported in a career that is way outside what is comfortable for me; and, most importantly
5. these shoes, which are much better than the crappy black ones that I didn’t get because I didn’t meet my goal:

So, my request is simple:

• check in and see if you know anyone living in Seattle, and put them in touch with me via e-mail;
• if you’ve been considering heading down to Seattle (these beautiful shoes were purchased there at Nordstrom Rack on the cheap), let me know and maybe we can coordinate; and
• pass this post along to anyone you know that is either struggling with some of their own stuff, interested in creating a change in their life, or have mentioned coaching as a career at some point.

Asking for support this way is embarrassing for me.  I create stories that it means I’m inferior, or not good enough to the task.  I create stories that it’s going to be more trouble than it’s worth, and that people will judge me for it.  I have interpretations that you will think that it’s pathetic that I’ve chosen a career path that actually embraces asking for support, instead of taking it all on myself.

And that’s fine too.  It’s okay that I have these stories.

I’m just up to something bigger.  I promise that every time you see me wearing these shoes, you will smile knowing that you were part of the team that created them.

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A quick post today on integrating iOS and OS X’s reminders app into your GTD workflow, with the help of our friend Quicksilver.

GTD relies heavily on the concept of the “tickler”.  A folder that serves as a place for you to put everything that you need to do in the future.  If you want more details on the tickler, you can read about them here.  The intent here is to take Reminders and have it act as a digital substitute for your tickler.

First, if you haven’t installed Quicksilver, do so.  It is fantastic, and will save you time even if the only thing you ever use it for is to launch programs.

Second is the easiest step – setting up Reminders as a tickler.  While I have used apps like Remember the Milk to create complicated solutions to my tickler in the past, I have found that they’ve fallen by the wayside because of the overhead they require.  For our purposes, we want Reminders to be as lightweight as possible.  Here are the rules that we follow to create that:

• create a reminder (with a day and time) for everything that needs to be done this month.  Any hard appointments (requiring a specific time and date – ie, a calendar appointment) should be in your calendar, and not your tickler;
• for everything that is to be completed in one of the following months, create a reminder for the first day of that month; and
• at the start of each month, review each reminder for that month and reschedule with a day and time.

Simple right?  That’s our game.

Third, we want to be able to add reminders efficiently, and with a minimal number of clicks.  To do so, we start by adding a Quicksilver script.  Download it here.  Save the unzipped file in ~/Library/Application Support/Quicksilver/Actions/.

If you are unable to find this directory in Finder, you may need to change your settings. You can do so by launching Terminal and entering the command:

chflags nohidden ~/Library/

Once you’ve done this, you can close Terminal.  The folder should show up in your Finder window right away.  If you want to hide the folder again afterwards, simply open Terminal again and enter the command:

chflags hidden ~/Library

Before we restart Quicksilver, there’s one final change we need to make.  First, identify the name of your list in Reminders.  You can do this by opening up Reminders and checking the left side of the app.  My list is called TODO.  Yours might be called something else.

Fourth, we need to update the script with your list’s name.  Navigate to the script you just put in to ~/Library/Application Support/Quicksilver/Actions/ and edit it using either Textedit or Applescript Editor.  Right toward the top of the script is a line that says:

showlist “listname“

Where listname will be the default list name.  Change this to whatever the name of your list is (mine now says showlist “TODO”).  Save the script and exit (you don’t need to compile it).

Now, restart Quicksilver.  At this point, you should be able to load up Quicksilver (using command-space, or whatever hotkey combination you set), and enter natural text reminders, such as “Remind me on may 4th at 9am to call julie”.  The complete workflow now looks like this:

• command-space to bring up Quicksilver;
• Type “.” to begin typing in text
• “remind me to call julie on may 4 at 9am”
• [Tab]
• Type “Reminder”
• [Enter]

Boom, new reminder added, from anywhere on your computer, regardless of what you’re currently doing.

Lastly, I find Reminders integration with Mail.app to be super useful.  Whenever I have an e-mail that requires some kind of action in the future, I drag that e-mail onto Reminders’ app icon in the Dock.  It will create a reminder for me which includes a link to the original e-mail.  I can fill out the rest of the details and then archive the e-mail, knowing that it sits in my trusted system.

Good luck with all your GTD’ing needs, and feel free to post if you have questions.  Follow me at @adamquiney and @evergrowthadam, and my professional blog at evergrowthcoaching.com for productivity tips beyond the realm of tools.  Lastly, a big thank you to @LoveQuicksilver for providing this handy Reminders script.

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No judgment here, no right or wrong – it’s simply another thing to be with.

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One of the readings I found most interesting focused on the topic of transgendered individuals.  These can be individuals that have been born one sex, but do not identify with the other, transvestites that are pre-operation or post-operation, and everything else along the gamut.

One of the readings in particular discussed the fact that our binary system of categorizing sex created a wealth of problems for these individuals.  In our country, for better or worse, marriage happens between a man and a woman.  These are binary distinctions, and anyone that does not fit within either of these two categories is out of luck.

Take a moment to reflect on how pervasive this distinction is in our society..

Sex: M _  F _

That’s what we are presented with every time we fill out a form, every time we sign up for something, any time someone needs information from us.

I don’t think that anyone is condemning the means by which we arrived at this point (at least, I certainly am not).  Until recent times, people have not even had the time to devote thinking about anything other than how to survive until the next day.  However, we are entering a new era of awareness, and simply throwing up our hands and stating “well hey, most people are either male or female” is no longer an acceptable answer.

So how do we deal with this new issue?  Well, I don’t know.  And there’s probably a lot of people that feel the same way.  But saying “I don’t know” is not the end of the discussion.  It’s the start.

The funny thing is that the more we look into areas of categorization like this one, the more we realize that binary categorizations are not a very accurate representation of the world.  The world does not exist in digital.  That is to say, life (and possibly the universe, if quantum mechanics are any guide) does not exist in discrete packets that we can put into clean categories.  Life exists along a continuum.  We are not black or white – we are all varying shades of grey.

It is only now that we are starting to realize that this holds true for most aspects in our lives: disorders such as FASD and ADHD are no longer treated with binary categorizations, but rather along spectrums.

So next time you’re out, spend some time reflecting on the categorizations that you are creating and using in your head, as well as those that you are being presented with.  You may be surprised by what you see.

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The end is bittersweet.  I have made friendships these three years that will last a lifetime (and I will declare right here that I am committed to ensuring that they do).  These three years have been trying, but the hottest fire forges the strongest steel, and that is analogous to the kind of relationships you develop throughout education like this.  Sadly, and perhaps beautifully, all things must come to an end.  That is part of growth.  If things don’t end, it impacts our ability to move forward.

Our graduation formal was this past weekend, at the Union Club in Victoria.  In the month leading up to the event, our graduating class nominated and then voted on a faculty member and two students to represent our class by speaking.  When I was told by a good friend that she had nominated me I was touched.  Then a few more people told me the same thing.  I went from being touched to a little nervous.  What if these people actually voted for me?  I waffled between really wanting to speak, and being nervous about what I would say, and how I would prepare my speech. What do you say to such an inspiring group of people?

Then, a week or so ago, my friend Darcy and I found out that we had been voted to speak.  I was (and still am) deeply humbled and honoured.  What an incredible privilege!  How the hell would I live up to it?!  I knew that the answer to that question was to simply speak from the heart.

The themes I wanted to speak to were: connection, inspiration, opportunity and acceptance.  Beyond that, I had a loose quote that I knew I wanted to incorporate, and went from there.  I wrote the speech in a few hours in the morning before going to class. Once written, I didn’t do too much editing.  A little cursory stuff here and there, but for the most part, the words rang true when I sat down to write them, and they didn’t require too much tweaking.

Before I share what I spoke with you, I would like to thank every member of my cohort for doing me this incredible honour.  It is touching and inspiring to have been able to meet and work with such a humbling group of people.  In selecting me, my graduating class taught me more about myself and my perceptions than I could have imagined.  Did you know that for most of my life I’ve walked around assuming that most people like me in a superficial manner, but don’t care to get to know me on a deeper level?  Moments like these act as a beacon shining on the darker recesses of our ego.

So thank you.  Thank you for helping me check those assumptions.  Thank you for challenging me.  Thank you for creating a space for acceptance, growth and vulnerability.

Without further ado, here is what I spoke this past weekend:

To UVic Law’s 2012 Graduating Class

We each started this journey for different reasons.  Some of us want to change the world.  Some of us want to get rich.  Some of us just want a job.  During these three short years, those expectations have been tested.  Poked at.  Prodded.  Challenged.  The way that we thought things would work out may not have turned out to be true.  Our own ambitions and desires may have changed.  Maybe through disillusionment, maybe through new opportunities, but always because of new insight.

If there is one thing that law school has made abundantly clear, it’s that life does not turn out the way it should.

Some people ask, “Where is the proof that life will not turn out the way that it ‘should’?. The proof exists in our lives to date.  If you died at this moment, how would you feel about your life?  There is no doubt about the outcome.  You would be satisfied in some ways and dissatisfied in others.  There would still be one piece missing.  What if you had died ten years ago?  The particulars might change, but there would still be no doubt about the outcome.  You would still be able to distinguish areas that were satisfactory and others that were not.

Now look ahead, ten, twenty, or fifty years from now – to the end of your life.  There is still no doubt about the outcome.  You would still be satisfied in some ways and dissatisfied in others.  When you consider the enormity of what it means to “make life work out the way it ‘should,’ ” can you plausibly argue that you would be any closer in the future than you have been in the past?  Life does not work out the way it ‘should’ work out, nor does it turn out the way it ‘shouldn’t’.  It works out the way it does work out.  And this will remain true at the moment of our deaths, just as it remains true during all other moments.  Life turns out the way it does.

I’m telling you this not to depress and rain on the rest of our lives, but rather to encourage all of us to embrace the embarrassment of riches that life provides us with.  There is no gift that we can give ourselves greater than that of perspective.  What may initially appear to be a failure, can be seen in new light as an opportunity.  The universe is abundant, and so too are the opportunities and choices that we are provided with each day in our lives.  Every missed deadline, an opportunity to see where we can improve our own processes.  Every week of stress, an opportunity to see whether or not we are pursuing what really matters.  Every breakdown an opportunity to have a breakthrough.  Every goodbye, an opportunity to reflect on what we’ve gained in knowing each other.

Life is beautiful.  Beautiful and elegant because of its fragility.  How tenuous and tempestuous the moments it creates are.  It is not on us to control the universe, only to be maximally authentic, to be our very best selves, in the face of whatever it has in store for us.  To ask from those around us what we want, and to commit to achieving that.

On that note, I invite all of us to reflect on how we wish to remember these past three years.  A lot of hoops to jump through?  Yup, definitely.  Tedious at times?  No doubt.  But also, an opportunity to connect, and create new friendships.  The opportunity to challenge the way we think, and to better ourselves by broadening our perspectives.

Part of what makes life beautiful is that it ends.  And so too, do these three years we have shared together.  Is there any logic, any rationale as to why this particular group of people have come together to graduate at this time?  There is not.  We are simply here, because that is how life has turned out.  It is on each of us to make of this moment, and these three years, whatever we wish.  It can be something we look back on as tedious and tiresome, or a beautiful gift, created by the universe without reason, and with the only obligation being that we allow ourselves to see it as the opportunity it has been.

So go forward from this moment, committed to embrace the opportunities that you are presented with.  Committed not to expect from life that it works out as it should, but that it will work out as it does.  Committed to live our lives, and be who we are, regardless of what the universe presents to us.

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I went over to Vancouver on Friday night, at the end of the school week.  I’d just finished up a phone interview with GenoLogics in which it seemed they were looking for someone more technical than my skillset currently provided for.  Not a particularly empowering experience.  But that was okay, because I was excited about this weekend’s training.

I packed my stuff, kissed Bay goodbye, and headed out to the ferry.  I finished up part 1 of this series on the ferry ride over, drove in to town, and walked up to Quizno’s to get dinner.  I ended the night chatting with some friends and then got to bed.  Getting up at 4:30AM means getting to bed early too.

Then I hit a snag…

Omens

I woke up at 4:30, tired, but excited about the coming two days.  In fact, I was practically buzzing with energy – my passion was sitting close to the surface.  I walked out of the bedroom and marched with authority to the shower.  My thoughts went like this:

“Man, I am so excited.  Let’s plan the morning out.  Eat breakfast, get in the car, drive with good music down the quiet roads to the border…”

“F*CK!!” (sorry if the language is offensive.  It’s authentic to how I felt)

I had forgotten my passport.

I HAD FORGOTTEN MY PASSPORT!

I had forgotten my passport..

What would you do in a situation like this?  Here’s what I did.

At first I checked to make sure this was the case.  I already knew it was.  I could remember exactly the process I used to pack.  I had absolutely neglected to put my passport in my bag (it hadn’t even occurred to me).

Okay, first things first – I still had to shower, no matter what.  As I got ready to do that, I gave myself five minutes to be angry, sad, furious, whatever with myself.  Beat myself up if I wanted, regret that I was going to miss some of my training, whatever.

Then I committed to shifting.  This was what was.  To speak in more abstract terms, this is what the universe has presented me with.  What was I going to do with it?

When something happens, it happens.  There’s nothing we can do to change it, only to be fluid in the moment.  We can’t control the universe, only be present to what we’re given.  So how was I going to be fluid?

As I dressed for the day, I went through my options in my head:

1. Catch the ferry back, drive home, get my passport, drive back, catch the ferry, drive down to Seattle.  Arrive at around 4PM.
2. Catch the ferry back, get Bay to meet me at the Clipper, and potentially catch it down to Seattle.  Get a hotel room for another night.  Possibly not even an option.
3. Catch the ferry back, get Bay to meet me at the floatplane terminal, and catch a floatplane down to Seattle.  Get a hotel room for another night.  Arrive at around 11:30AM.

Option #1 was simply far too late.  Option #2 was not an actual option as the Clipper sucks to catch from Victoria (awkward hours).  That left option #3.

At this point, I had two choices: Be disempowered by the decision, or empowered.  Was I going to be a victim, at effect with what had happened, or would I be a leader, at cause to what had happened?

I chose to lead.  I looked at the positives.  I had ridden the floatplanes before – they were beautiful.  I’d be able to take some really great pictures (which I did).  And it would give me a chance to stay over in Seattle another night and hang out with my team for longer.  And at least I wasn’t spending four hours driving.

So, with my attitude shifted and my perspective framed in the positive, I headed back, met up with Bay and then flew down.  Bay was phenomenally supportive and I’m incredibly grateful for her support.  She met me at the floatplane terminal with my passport after having gotten only 4 hours of sleep.  What a woman!

The rest of the weekend

I arrived and excitedly greeted my team members.  It had been a month since we’d seen each other and it seemed like such a long time.  Going through a transformational process like this, and getting to see people you are working with in such a distinguished light really builds a strong bond.  We hugged, said hi, and then sat down.

I arrived just in time to leave for lunch.  We chose people to go for lunch with, based on who we currently were the least connected with.  The new girl chose me, since I had just arrived.  Fine with me!

At lunch, I felt awkward.  I was having a hard time getting a good conversation going, and when I feel like I can’t connect with someone, I start to babble like an idiot.  It’s not that I’m a bad conversationalist – in fact I’m great.  It’s just that I end up speaking a lot, in order to fill the silences.  The moments where conversation die down really start to terrify me.

One of the great things I learned this weekend was about my judgments.  More specifically, that they are about me, not the person I’m judging.  We often have a tendency to notice something, and judge the other person.  Everyone is their own person, doing their own thing.  They are responsible for their own actions and thoughts, and we can’t change them.

The judgment is actually an opportunity to learn something about yourself.  Where is that judgment coming from?  Why do you feel that way?  What is it about this person that is triggering you?

I spoke up and noted how I felt at lunch, and requested some coaching on it.  The team took turns working with me, and I was really surprised to find out that what lay underneath all of this was that when people don’t respond to me in a way that generally would indicate they like me (ie, by making conversation with me, laughing with me, holding eye contact, etc.), I start to feel deeply inadequate.

Wow!  This was a big realization, and it all flowed out from the starting point of noting how I felt when someone was really quiet and not connected with me.  (and I was judging her for that too, to be fair).

Judgments often provide us with an opportunity to discover a place where we have either over- or under-learned something.  If I judge someone for checking out a girl, that might be an indication that I’ve overlearned being polite.  Sure, it’s great to be respectful of people around you, but at some point, you need to engage with people.  There’s a difference between being lecherous and noticing someone attractive.

I judge people that are poorly put together and look like they don’t put effort into their appearance.  But what does that say about me?  Probably that I am overly concerned with appearance, and that I could learn a little bit about relaxing from this person.

When you first read this, you may be tempted to shout (mentally) “But it’s not about me, it’s about them!”  With time (less so, if you engage in coaching), we got to the bottom of it.  Take note and be present to the fact that you are the one being triggered.  That other person is simply being who they are.  The judgment comes from within you.  You are the one responsible for it.  Don’t offload that responsibility onto someone else.

Breakthroughs, breakdowns and commitment

One of the epiphanies that I had this weekend was related to the relationship between breakthroughs, breakdowns and commitment.

Breakthroughs are what we all want.  They’re the exciting (and scary) part of growth.  They’re the point where we experience our epiphany and move beyond the existing structures that we have in place to something new.  It feels great when you have that breakthrough moment.  You know that things will be different going forward.  Of course, you’ll eventually normalize this new place, and will then begin seeking the next breakthrough, but that’s okay – that’s what this game is all about.

Breakdowns must proceed breakthroughs.  You can’t have a breakthrough without one.  In order to achieve  new areas of growth, we need to push beyond where we are comfortable.  Doing so will naturally trigger our self-defences, and will require a moment of having them break down around us before we can fully immerse ourselves in that area of unknown and experience our growth.

Where does commitment fit into this?  Well, you can’t have a breakdown without having commitment.  If you are not committed to the change you are seeking, it will become easy to turn back when you are faced with a moment of breakdown.  Breakdowns are scary – they require you to remain outside of your comfort zone and just be.  To sit with that feeling of discomfort.  Without a commitment to back this up, we will naturally retreat back to what we know.

Here is one of the great powers of working with a coach.  Not only are you working on your stuff, and creating breakdowns and subsequent breakthroughs with great velocity, but you also have accountability and commitment built in to the process.  Coaching isn’t cheap, nor should it be.  It’s an investment in ourselves.  The price is a good thing, given the kind of work that we’re doing.  When you’re getting something for free, your commitment to its success is not going to be significant (if present at all).  When you are paying a decent amount of money to create the change you want, you’re going to be invested in and committed to it.

Further, you’re supported throughout that breakdown.  A coach stands for you, even when you are unable to stand yourself.  Your coach is there to hold the place for you that you have affirmed you are striving for.

Powerful change is challenging.  Most of us assume that we will simply be able to push through whatever barriers stand in our way when we want something enough.  In actuality, the kind of changes that we’re talking about are deep and fundamental, and get into the sticky areas where our context and self-defence mechanisms get in our own way.

The stuff that gets in the way of our growth and development at these points is the same stuff that always gets in our way (not enough time, not enough money, too many other things I have to do, my partner wouldn’t let me do that, my kids need me, etc.). These reasons genuinely seem real and valid to us, especially when we’re at the verge of major breakthroughs.

A coach’s job is to keep you open to the realm of possibility.  Sure, money is something that needs to be considered, but it doesn’t mean you don’t have options.  How might you make that money available?.  Your spouse won’t be okay with this change?  Why not?  Can you talk to them about it?  What’s really in the way?  You don’t have time to make these changes?  What kind of game are we playing for here?  This is what you’ve identified matters most – what is taking up your time that is more valuable than that?

Commitment becomes easiest to break when we’re on the verge of a breakdown – that’s when our self-defences are running highest.  That’s the point where it becomes easiest to turn away from the breakthrough we are aiming for and retreat back to what is comfortable.

Closing out the weekend

I can feel a shift starting to take place.  The process that I’m going through requires a fairly substantial change in my thinking.  Coming from a place of simply being present to who I am, rather than acting automatically and predictably, is a bit of a departure from what I’m used to.

As a kid I would even go as far as strategizing and planning out my conversations on the phone and in person.  As you can imagine, this didn’t leave a lot of room for simply being present and going with the flow.  Switching from this approach to one that is based around simply putting myself into the world, openly and authentically..  Well, it’s taking time and effort.

But as I said, I can feel a shift.  I’m starting to get this, and things are starting to click for me.  Little by little, and with the support of my coach, I’m beginning to step into my own role in this existence, and I’m alive with the possibility!

Interested?

That’s all for now, but I will certainly continue on with this series as the months go forward.

I am looking for clients.  Specifically I’m looking to work with brilliant polymaths aged mid-20s to late-30s.  That is to say, people that are successful in a variety of areas, and recognize that they can shine brightly.  These people are wondering “I’ve achieved success… why is it so boring?  Isn’t there something more?”, “I know I’m capable of brilliance – why haven’t I taken off yet?” or maybe even where all of their time has gone.

If this sounds like you, or you know someone that might be interested in talking with me, please let me know.  I want to work with you and your friends!

Thank you for your continued support and reading.  I have definitely embarked on a challenging and unique journey, and I can’t be successful without your help.  Take care of yourself and stay tuned!

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