adderall n' apathy

this is your life.

2011-04-16T00:24:00.001-05:00

can't tell me nothing

2010-05-23T20:02:00.001-05:00

Twilight

2008-12-24T03:36:00.001-06:00

Lost Highway

2008-09-18T19:50:00.001-05:00

I'll take "Bullshit Quotes" for $1000, Alex.

2008-05-22T21:17:00.000-05:00

"What seems to us bitter trials are often blessings in disguise."
-Oscar Wilde

Fuck Jeopardy.

Smarter than a Fifth-grader, though?

I can grow facial hair and legally buy a gun.

You've mastered the art of tucking random boners into your belt-line.

I win.
-bigal

All These Things That I Have Done

2008-05-16T16:59:00.001-05:00

Lost Highway

2008-04-19T17:50:00.001-05:00

phrentic-ghosts

2008-04-13T04:52:00.001-05:00

Nine Inch Nails - 34 Ghosts IV

2008-04-13T04:31:00.001-05:00

the dead flag blues

2007-11-06T00:03:00.000-06:00

the car's on fire
and there's no driver at the wheel
and the sewers are all muddied with a thousand lonely suicides
and a dark wind blows

the government is corrupt
and we're on so many drugs with the radios on and the curtains drawn

we're trapped in the belly of this horrible machine
and the machine is bleeding to death

the sun has fallen down
and the billboards are all leering
and the flags are all dead
at the top of their poles

it went like this
the buildings tumbled in on themselves
mothers clutching babies
picked through the rubble
and pulled out their hair

the skyline was beautiful on fire
all twisted metal stretching upwards
everything washed in a thin orange haze

i said kiss me you're beautiful
these are truly the last days
you grabbed my hand
and we fell into it
like a daydream
or a fever

we woke up one morning
and fell a little further down
for sure it's the valley of death

i open up my wallet
and it's full of blood

----
godspeed you! black emperor
the dead flag blues (intro)
(00:00 - 06:37)
f(sharp)a(sharp)(infinity symbol)

somewhat damaged

2007-08-30T18:19:00.000-05:00

so impressed with all you do
tried so hard to be like you
flew too high and burnt the wing
lost my faith in everything

lick around divine debris
taste the wealth of hate in me
shedding skin succumb defeat
this machine is obsolete

made the choice to go away
drink the fountain of decay
tear a hole exquisite red
fuck the rest and stab it dead

broken bruised forgotten sore
too fucked up to care anymore
poisoned to my rotten core
too fucked up to care anymore

broken bruised forgotten sore
too fucked up to care anymore
poisoned to my rotten core
too fucked up to care anymore

in the back
off the side
and far away
is a place
where i hide
where i stay

tried to say
tried to ask
i needed to
all alone
by myself
where were you?

how could i
ever think
it's funny how
everything that swore it wouldn't change
is different now

just like you
would always say
we'll make it through
then my head
fell apart
and where were you?

how could i
ever think
it's funny how
everything you swore would never change
is different now

like you said
you and me
make it through
didn't quite
fell apart
where the fuck were you?

-Nine Inch Nails

listen to it here.

btw: greatest. album. ever.

i celebrate memorial day weekend with thought-provoking myspace surveys

2007-05-26T15:01:00.000-05:00

1. If your doctor said you were pregnant, what would you do?
i would be overjoyed and probably cry

2. Do you trust all of your friends?
friends?

3. Would you move to another state or country to be with the one you love?
i thought jesus lived everywhere

4. Do you believe that everything happens for a reason?
reasons are what unlucky people use as an excuse for their shitty lives. in other words, yes.

5. Name two things you would NOT tolerate in a relationship.
back-talk and not washing my fucking dishes

6. Which one of your friends do you think would make the best doctor?
freddy, this homeless guy that i talked to for awhile downtown the other day. he said he was my friend.

7. When was the last time you snuck out?
someone would have to care that i was there in the first place

8. Are you afraid of falling in love?
no, but i am afraid of falling. and bears.

9. Is there someone who pops into your mind at random times?
my psychiatrist

10. Would you stop talking to your friends because you hooked up with a new person?
i'd probably just stop talking to whatever person i was hooking up with before. (ha!)

11. When was the last time you flew in a plane?
from denver to lincoln a few weeks ago. it was quick and painless, like my sex life.

12. What did the last text message you sent say?
wtf rotflmfao bff brb

13. What features do you find most attractive in the opposite sex?
a good personality and nice teeth. big boobs don't hurt, either.

14. Fill in the blank. I like ________.
big butts and i cannot lie.

15. What are your goals in life?
to set more goals.

17. When you get married, how would you envision your dream wedding?
in a courtroom while massively drunk

18. If you could say just one thing for the rest of your life, what would it be?
"what?", because that would get really annoying

19. How many kids do you want to have?
however many i can fit in my trunk

21. Would you make a good parent?
see above question

22. Where was your default pic taken?
at the smoking lounge in the denver airport

23. What is your middle name?
edwin

27. Honestly, what's on your mind right now?
how bad my life must suck to be wasting my time on this

28. Are you musical?
i'm one jive turkey

29. If you could go back in time and change something, what would you change?
i would go back to ten minutes ago and convince myself not to waste my time on this survey. and then i would tag myself and say "you're it!" before i beamed back into the future. that would be great.

31. What are you wearing right now?
the question is what am i NOT wearing right now...

and the answer is socks.

32. Righty or lefty:
depends on the mood

33. Can you make a dollar in change right now:
i live for change

34. Best place to go for a date:
to pleasuretown, population you and me. and maybe my dog. he's a watcher. it's kind of weird, but i live with it.

35. Favorite jeans:
whatever is new and in season at the goodwill boutique

37. Favorite animal:
unicorns. because they kick ass.

38. Favorite month:
december, because it has my birthday, christmas, and new year's eve. but it also is the peak month for seasonal depression and the month with the most suicides, so it's kind of a toss up.

39. Favorite juice:
juicy juice

40. Have you had the chicken pox?:
yea, but i told everyone in my class it was smallpox and that i was going to die. second graders sure do believe whatever the hell you tell them, seriously.

41. Have you had a sore throat?:
no, i am that rare 1-in-a-billion person who has never ever even come close to what one would consider a sore throat

42. Have you had plastic surgery?:
yes, but i don't think it looks any bigger.

43. Who knows you the best?:
that would be me. or joe. and you don't know joe.

45. Do you get along with your family?:
i think i do. they think differently, though.

44. Do you wear contact lenses or glasses?:
glasses occasionally. mostly when i can't see.

46. Ever been in a fight with your pet?:
i prefer to call them disagreements, thank you.

47. Been to Mexico?:
no habla espanol

49. Did you buy something today?:
legal?

50. Did you get sick today?:
nope, because i bought something today.

52. Do you miss someone today?:
the man i used to be

53. Did you get in a fight with someone today?:
unfortunately no

54. Did you have sex today?
unfortunately no

55. Last person to sleep in your bed?:
unfortunately no. oops, i mean me.

56. Last person to see you cry?
i usually save my best dramatics for large groups

57. Who made you cry?
you did. asshole.

58. What was the last TV show you watched?:
mythbusters. i am a fucking dork.

60. What are your plans for the weekend?:
hopefully not getting arrested. but fail that, not crying this time.

scary monsters

2007-02-16T20:34:00.000-06:00

i was going through some old blogs, and...wow. i should really seek professional help.

just kidding! doctors are for crazy people :)
-bigal

i used to probably kinda write good actually!

2007-02-02T03:40:00.001-06:00

i'm really bored, and feel like posting some shit. here are copies of three short stories i wrote for a rhetoric class in high school.

Dead Souls

Jennifer was a goddess. And there was no denying this, considering every man in school would grovel like a peasant upon her entrance. Teachers liked her, men adored her, gods seemed to envy her, and every fellow female classmate wanted to be her. I guess it would be easier just to sum her up as flawless. But I was her Achilles heal. And everyone seemed to know that, and they would get enraged with jelousy and hatred just thinking about it. And I loved every minute of it.

It all had started when Jennifer was dating one of her usual "once-a-week" disposable men, his name was Jack or Jeremy or something of that nature. That is when she noticed me. She kept her head high in the air, as if she didn't know I existed,. but I knew she was watching. She was waiting for the signal, the remark, the usual face dropping "Oh my God" expression, but I showed none. Her ego went from cloud nine to ground zero in a matter of seconds. And that's when I became her conquest. She had to change me, make me into a fellow devoted worshipper of the ground she walked on, but I frankly didn't care for that sort of immature crap. I didn't feel like playing any of the stupid mind games that she plays with everyone else, and it made her hysterical. That mad hysteria about my intolerance of her general perfection suddenly grew into her obsession. And her obsession gradually grew into a sick form of love. Well, maybe it wasn't love. Maybe it was only an extreme lust for my submission, my permission to let her dominate me. Then again, maybe it was a kind of psycho stalker love that you see on soap operas and B movies. Or maybe I was wrong on all three counts. I really didn't care though. It was my turn to have some fun with the princess.

The fun started on a normal Tuesday, and it was really quite easy. All I had to do was ignore her, and I did. But the way I did it, with such perfection and careful concentration it made me feel like a surgeon operating on her emotions. I had to take extreme care in making just the exact cuts; otherwise my plan could fall to shambles. But my first incision was a success. I simply played it cool, ignored her existence, and recieved no response. I was standing in a hallway of followers, and I was the only one exercising rebellion. And I could tell, just by the split-second glance, her evil glare, and a sudden pick up in her pace that I was sinking in, creating an engraving in her mind that she couldn't erase no matter how hard she tried. My only reaction was to laugh at her giant weakness. I had discovered this perfect, God's gift to earth's flaw. And it was a glaring fault indeed. But the little shiny glare slowly progressed into a ball of ugly light brighter than the brightest of stars.

I kept up my simple process of ignoring and not giving a single thought towards this high and mighty female, and I started to get worried. Worried that my perfect plan was beginning to fail. I just assured myself that I had to keep faith in it and keep it up. Soon after, I recieved a little reassurance that it was not only in fact working, but working marelously. I learned this by noticing a little note on the windshield of my car after school one day. I pulled it out from under the wiper, unfolded it in a slow, gift-like manner, and began to read its contents.

"Prick"

It was written in nice handwriting and obviously from a girlish pink pen. This may sound either insignificant or just plain rude, but it was neither. I had a gut feeling that this was from her, and if it was, it just goes to show that I was inside her head. I had snuck in the backdoor and made myself at home, and there was nothing she could do to kick me out. The only thing the note represented was her first stage of emotional distress: loathing. She hated me for what I was doing to her, how I was making her feel, and how my sheer image in her head caused her to think others would soon notice my presence and knock her down from her throne. She couldn't have that. She didn't want to lose her popularity, her admiration, the exuberant joy she got from knowing she had control. That control was slowly slipping away, and that loss of power was slowly causing her to crack.

The slight glimpses and evil glares had stopped. They had now become full on stares; complete with an empty look in the eyes and straight faced hidden frown. I would just simply take a quick glance, shake my head, and laugh. And it was great. I was slowly starting to drive this woman to complete mental dysfunction, and I felt great aobut it. This was about the only thing she deserved in her life, and that was to feel the misery she inflicted on others ten fold. And the more misery inflicted, the more control I gained. Then I would dominate, she would succumb, and the torch would be passed. But things started to get a little more serious than I originally thought they would.

I exited the school that next week to find another note on my windshield. I grabbed it and proceeded to read it, and what I read was expected and startling at the same time.

"I love you"

Most people would be excited by the prospect of someone unknown leaving love notes on their personal property, but all it did for me was give me the chills. I had somehow created love in the mind of a girl I have never talked to, and never really cared for. It's kind of a neat feeling at first, but once you think about it, all you feel is dishonest and fake. This girl had grown from hatred of me to a supposed love, not because I showed interest in her, but because I showed a total lack thereof. I guess that means she's moved on to stage two.

The hidden frown and empty eyes have now grown into a disorganized smirk and a half-slant look with her eyes, almost like they're smiling. And what do I do, might you ask? The same thing I have done since day one. Ignore, glance, and let out a little bit of sarcastic laughter. Once I begin to laugh, her face from mildly excited and flirtatious to a bluish-hue sad enough to shed tears. I just don't think she can make herself realize the truth, the truth that I really could care less about her or what happens to her in life. Her hopes still seem to rise each day though, as if I will suddenly wake up and realize what a chance I'm missing out on, how stupid I am for doing this, etc. The only problem is that you can't wake up when your eyes are already wide open.

Then things started to get strange. Instead of me keeping her as a little thought, a ploy perhaps, in the back of my head, she started to become all I could think about. Every day I would just wonder how she was going to react to my total disregard of her feelings, and these thoughts began to take over. I was starting to wonder if I was the one that was losing control. My entire life began to revolve around tormenting her mind, and it seemed like I was tormenting my own at the same time. But no matter. The show must go on, and I was the ringmaster of chaos. I began to recieve phone calls at different times in the evening, but as soon as I answered the other line would hang up. I knew it had to be her. She had almost lost total control, hitting the brink of madness by prank calling me just to hear my voice. She was almost in total admiration of me. And my feelings for her were nonexistent at best. But just a few days later, she wasn't in school. Rumors flew abound, as everybody knew that Jennifer never misses a day of school, so something serious had to be up. And after school that day, there was another note on my windshield. This one was more disturbing than any I had recieved as of yet.

"You knew I loved you
And you rejected me
How can I live without you?
You know the answer to that
I simply can't"

I suddenly realized what I had done. I caused a young woman to take her own life because she couldn't have mine. I never knew that I could mean so much to someone, that they would commit suicide to prove to me their devotion. I had won the battle, but inevitably lost the war. I really guess there's nothing left for me now. I had gained total control over a human being, and instead of causing them to flourish, I had caused them to choose death over an ignored life. I figured I owed her a favor for that one. Later on that night, I decided how to repay her. If her love was in fact true, she could only be truly happy with me for the rest of eternity. My method of destiny just happened to be a single bullet to the right temple.

The next day, Jennifer showed up for school as usual, with her head high and her usual league of followers. But today she had added an evil smirk to her usual emotionless face.

She had won.

The Big Come Down

I lie still, still as a white corpse. I can't move. If I move, they'll see me. I can't let them see me. Looking at the ceiling, all I can see is a dark reflection of my soul. I've got to get out of here. The walls are moving in. They're coming. They've found me, and I can't move. I've got to run, run and hide. But where? They'll find me. I can feel my heart beat through my entire body. Their voices echo in the hell I've created. I have to run. Finally, my body gives in to my mind. I jump off my bed and sprint like a madman to the door. I can still hear them. They're getting closer. I've got to run farther, faster. Running down the stairwell, all I can hear is the agonizing voices. Their low-pitched drawl has turned into a high-pitched scream. I can't make it stop. Why is this happening to me? What have I done to deserve this?

I'm finally outside. The wind grasps my body in its frozen breath. All I can see is the empty eyes of the uncaring people in my way. My arms feel still and numb. Looking down, all I see is blood, dripping off my fingers like an old faucet. They've gotten to me, and all they want is to kill me. I've got to get away. All I can do is run. I run from my fears like a stray dog from its master. I'm gasping for air, but I can't stop. My body seems to be falling apart with every step I take. But I can't stop. My body finally calls it quits. I fall to the concrete like a collapsed skyscraper. My entire body feels like it's swelling, and yet I can't feel my heartbeat. I think I've lost too much blood. My hands and arms are now as red as my pain. Every vein in my appendages seem to be protruding from my skin like they're trying to escape. Trying to get out of this wasted body of mine. And the people still just walk around me. Trying to go on with their everyday lives, trying not to see what's really going on. They just haven't seen what I've seen. My palms glisten a crimson red in the artificial light of the streets. But I've got to get away.

I crawl into the nearest doorway I can find, trying to find a place to take momentary cover. The light from the ceiling causes my eyes to squint as I gaze upward. A man appears from behind the counter and says something incoherent, like the echo of an echo. He suddenly stands above me, but all I can see is an outline of a body covered in shadow. But I can still see in his eyes. His eyes are empty, like evil trying to hide behind innocence. He says something again, yet this time even louder and more distraught, my ears trying to comprehend the madness my mind cannont understand. And then I felt more pain. The bruising of flesh, the shattering of my own fragile insides. The mind-numbing pain overcomes my entire body like a virus, and I can't make it stop. My only choice is to get away. I've got to run. I've got to hide. But the pain won't let me. I suddenly feel more sharp amounts of pain in my sides. The shadowy figure is moving beside me at a very quick pace, and the background behind him begins to blur. I close my eyes, and pray for it to stop. I pray for the absence of the pain, of the struggling, of the fear. And then I finally open my eyes. And after what I see, I pray for a quick and forgiving death.

The darkness encompasses me, and tries to take hold of whatever control I have left. But my mind and my body seem to be working on two different sides of the plane, and neither one is working for me. I can't see any light; everything is black and yet somehow is planning against me. Through the empty darkness I can make out something. I can see a smile, a sweet smile that seems to understand me. A smile that says it can take away all my pain, without even saying a word. I finally feel a sense of peace. A moment of sheer joy. But now the smile is gone, and has replaced itself with a hideous grin. A grin that somehow is darker than the blackness of its surroundings. I feel a sudden rush in my heart, a rush that instantaneously flows through my entire body. The blackness turns into a light so white my eyes become dry like the desert air and burn in agony. My eyelids force themselves shut, and the friction feels as if glass shards dig themselves even deeper into my glossy reddish eyes. The heat from the light is beginning to scorch away at my skin, while my screams of agony seem silent. The searing of the light stops.

The brightness of the light has dimmed, now a more pleasant tone. I gasp for a deep breath, only to swallow a mouthful of water. I can see my surroundings, but there isn't anything there. My vision is limited to the refraction of the dim light against the ice-cold water. Glancing upward, I see even more light, as if there is possibly a surface to this frozen grave. Only I can't go upward. I can see the surface; I can see my goal, that deep breath of cool midnight air floating above the water's peak. I push and kick my way upward, but to no avail. I'm slowly sinking downward. The light becomes dimmer and almost non-existent the further down I drop, and the pressure is building upon me. All I can feel is the weight of the water pushing against me on all sides, trying to persuade me into giving in, trying to crush me until I'm nothing more than a floating part of my surroundings. And I can't allow myself to give in. I've made it this far, there's no point in giving in. I continue my struggle, as the water pressure builds on me at a steady pace. I try and try to push myself upward, to the one thing I never knew I'd strive for: air. Precious oxygen. My lungs are trying to force me to take a breath, a final swallow of the icy liquid. But I keep on pushing, pushing for a seemingly unreachable goal. And the force pulling me down finally gives way. My body strides upward through the depths of the bottomless grave, getting closer and closer to the light with every push. I finally reach the point where the light seems imminent, air only a few feet away, and my lungs finally force a breath. I take a large swallow of the body-numbing water, and I began to fall.

I don't understand. I'm now somehow out of the water, yet I'm falling. The speed of the still air moving against my plummeting body increases quickly. I now can see below me, and I can see bits of light, like the lights of a city. They began to get larger and larger with every second, and my mind finally comprehends. I'm falling to earth. I have no time to consider my pain I am still feeling, just what's going to happen when I come crashing down. My heart rate begins to increase steadily, along with my breathing, and I am out of options. There is no way around this. I can't make myself slow down, I can't make the landing soft, I can't try and save my life. I realized the worst part of coming down is the moments before you hit bottom.

I have regained full control of all the functions of my body and mind, and yet I can't save them. I have but a few precious moments left, and I can't do anything to make them meaningful. I can finally see what's real and what's not, and yet my hands are still soaked in warm blood. Can I be dreaming? Could this be one big nightmare? Why have I done this to myself? How could I have been so blind this whole time? I tried to place the blame on others, and place pity on myself, when yet everything that I've gotten myself into has been one giant cluster bomb that exploded in every direction, and affected everything that I once knew. And all of this I finally discover in the last few seconds of my life. But then I look down, and see that the blood on my hands is finally gone. My heart is slowing down, my lungs cutting the pace. I open my eyes to see the same dark room I am used to seeing every day, yet everything is different.

I finally feel alive.

The Beginning of the End

I had a dream last night. It wasn't a happy-go-lucky, jumping sheep, flying through the clouds kind of dream. It was a dream about death. A death of an unknown, seen through my eyes. It was a death that had occurred even before life had begun. Most people would call dreams about death a nightmare, but this wasn't. In some unimaginable way, a dream about death had a happy ending. It was probably the happiest of endings you could imagine for any dream dealing with death. But I'll get to that later. Because before you hear the ending, you might as well hear the rest of the story.

It was dark, cold, and smelled of urine and stale cigarette smoke. Then I opened my eyes. My surroundings were unfamiliar to me, as though I had been sleepwalking and ended up somewhere I had never intended to be. But it wasn't just the fact that nothing looked familiar, it was the fact that I had no idea what familiar even looked like. No recollection of a hometown, or even a home, for that matter. I stood up, and looked around for any signs, people, anything that might show me where exactly I am. But alas, nothing of the sort. All I could see were stained and dim cement walls, held up by large beams, probably made of iron. The light in the room was scarce, which gave me sort of an anti-claustrophobic feeling; not like the walls were closing in, but like they were moving away. I then figured leaving this place was my best bet. Besides, the smell was about to make me vomit. The only problem was I didn't really know a way out. The only visible parts of the walls were so stained with age and mold, telling a window from a door would take serious effort on your behalf. And I didn't really trust the areas that were too dark to see in. One could be a twenty-story drop for all I could tell. But I couldn't just hang around the light like a moth to a candle. I had to get out.

Upon closer investigation, one of the stained walls actually did contain a door. Where it led, I didn't know. But that was a chance I was going to have to be willing to take. Before I can even grab the handle, the door begins to make a loud scream, like the sound of water trying to rush through half-frozen pipes. I take a few steps back to hopefully keep myself out of harm's way. Then the noise stopped. All was quiet for a few seconds, which seemed to lag on for hours to my over--precautious mind. My heart rate was highly above normal, sweat beads streaming down my face like the tears of wounded children. Then the door began to open. It seemed to be opening slower than time itself, while my body braced itself for the best and the worst of what could lurk from its shadows. What was behind that door was finally visible. Nothing. Not a soul was hiding in the yellow light of the doorway. But something else interesting was in that particular doorway...stairs. And my decision here could even eventually mean life and death. But the risk seemed to have a higher reward than playing it safe. So I walked into the doorway, and climbed up the stairs to my newfound world. To this day I still wish I would have been the coward and stayed behind.

I take the final step towards what I thought was my escape from the dark and unknown that lies below. What I entered was only a mirror image, slightly blurred and on a larger scale. It was a world I had never seen, and one I couldn't have imagined. It was beautiful and perfect, but with an overwhelming sense of inescapable imending doom. Everything was bright and loud, with a dark shadow looming overhead. The world I had entered gave me a fullness almost undesired. It was unnerving. All it seemed to stand for was hate, pain, and suffering covered up by a pretty mask. I was determined from that point on to cause the damage to this new world that it had begged for with sadistic glee.

It was world without crime, without punishment, without truth. Every single person I saw had the same total sense of happiness and cause plastered all over their perfect faces. But underneath that layer of beauty and good was a rotten core of unimaginable proportions, with loathing and ugliness that extended out to even their very peers. And it had appeared to be my calling. I was to be the one to let the lion out of his cage. Death and destruction were what these excuses for human beings wanted, and I was going to give it to them.

I began to relish this new world, first by invading it like I was truly a part of it. I became what people most being: A nobody. A person who appeared to be an exact equal of the majority, when their true intentions are really more outstanding than anyone had ever began to think. But the true genius of my plan was that I could easily go about then began the process of recruiting. For my cause to work, I had to be a leader. And there is no such thing as a leader without followers. So I began to watch the crowd. I would slowly dissect a person's mind, by even their most simplistic actions. I slowly sifted through the population, letting only the truly pride-less and faithful not slip through the cracks. I was slowly building my army. Most of them were reluctant at first to even try and comprehend what my true message was, but time only made things easier. The slow erosion of their own self worth was replaced by a devout devotion to me. They were no longer objective persons with opinions. They were mindless sheep, following me to an eventual destruction of themselves and the rest of their peers. They spoke my message, spreading it like a cancer in the heart of their own society. They were my creation. And what is created must eventually be destroyed.

The clock was ticking, and no one knew that time was running out. They were all the destroyers of themselves, my job was just to simply make sure they carried it out correctly. Anger was starting to slowly build into higher and higher amounts, and society as a whole began to hate itself. Then the clock stopped. It had begun, and now it just had to run its cycle. The world unknowingly began to kill itself off by the hundreds, then the thousands, and eventually millions. And no one seemed to notice what was truly happening. They had never been able to make the realization that with a world so perfect, one tiny flaw could set the whole thing ablaze. If it had been a world where hate, pain, suffering, and death were an everyday thing, life learns to adapt. But if life remains in a perfect state for so long, even the mild introduction of any of those elements means life must start itself over, this time with a new set of rules.

And only we can hope it abides by them.

i feel so special.
-bigal

phrentic

2007-01-28T16:06:00.000-06:00

click here (or here for a lower-quality youtube version) to see a somewhat finalized version (still needs a little more polish - color correction, credits and etc) of my last film project. if you do happen to check it out, do me a favor and let me know what you think (constructive criticism is my friend).

adieu
-bigal

no, this is MY country

2007-01-01T19:09:00.000-06:00

as i sit here pretending to care who wins the rose bowl, i can't get rid of my overwhelming urge to strangle john mellencamp. i've had to endure that fucking chevy commericial about 2,137 times today, and with each viewing i come just a little bit closer to filling a silverado full of puppies and pushing it off a cliff. whoever is at fault for hiring johnny mcfuckhat and green lighting this ad should be groin kicked out into the street and beat to death with a fucking tack hammer. and if that plan should fail, i will gladly substitute myself in their place if it means that i am no longer forced to witness that god awful shitstorm of american cliche that is the chevrolet commercial. i would seriously rather watch the michigan marching band perform their 103 minute version of stairway to heaven ad nauseam than even think about a washed up john mellencamp crooning for the soulless corporate whore that is general motors.

bash head into solid object. scream obscenities. repeat.
-bigal

movin' on up

2006-12-21T05:46:00.000-06:00

i finally got off my lazy ass and began working on my site. the first little do-dad i started on is my blog. you can find it here. everything's still in the early stages, so bear with me. sooner or later most of my bullshit will be pretty much dedicated to the new site, but for now i might actually update this every once and awhile just for kicks.

you silly goose.
-bigal

fuck.

2006-12-18T03:30:00.000-06:00

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.
fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.
fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.
fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.
fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

I'm wishing the bath water clean
She hides in the back and is unseen
I take off the mask that surrounds me
Look me in the face
What do you see
I feel like a boy the age of 13
My body grows up
But my mind stays the same
Look me in the face
What do you see?

How do you tell an angel
That you don't believe in God?
Why do I feel
Like such a stranger
I look around
I look around
And all my friends are gone

But oh would you be me?
Because I would be you
Oh you'd be happy
Only if you wanted to
And how would you treat me?
Because I would treat you
Oh you'd be happy
Only if you wanted to

How do you tell your Father,
That you want him to notice you?
Why does this seem like such a bother?
When mom says you'd be better off dead
But I want to see you
I still want to see you
Oh would you call me?
Oh it's not hard too
I'm the first one
On your birthday
And oh would you write me
On my birthday
Graduation, was yesterday
Yesterday
Oh...

How do you hold the special victim?
When they push you away
When they've been
Raped on the inside
Torn on the outside
The dirt and ugly from the stain that they try to hide
Touched in private places
Embarassed faces
To scared to ask for help

Oh would you be me?
Because I would be you
Oh you'd be happy
Only if you wanted to
And how would you treat me?
Because I would treat you
You'd be happy
Only if you wanted to

I'm wishing the bath water clean
She hides in the back and is unseen
I take off the mask that surrounds me
Look me in the face
What do you see?

Blue October

fuck.
-bigal

a change...will do you good...

2006-11-11T17:22:00.000-06:00

this is just a short little reminder/borderline obnoxious post asking you to tell me what you think of my blog re-vamp. it's really in its early stages. but i am really just using what i get done here as buliding blocks to get fourstardrug.net up, running, and ready to frighten children. whoo-hoo! now where'd my goddamned 23 flavors disappear to....awww no...that's it! get out the cellar, sancho! you're down to to chances, hombre: either give me back my delicious dr. pepper concoction, 23 man-made flavors which your simpleton pallatte could'nt ever embrace, or hand over the goddamned magic beans!!! i'm tired of your lies! give daddy the magic beans so i can climb to the heavens and kick it with the ole' g-man and da'jesus, where we can use the godly magnifying glass to burn sinners on their proverbial anthills and watch monday night football. maybe even a season or two of entourage, who knows? wait, sancho....where.....sacho? you slipperly little bastarad!!! AAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH. I WANT MY BEANS OF THE MAGIC JUMPIN MOTHAFUCKIN VARIETY!!!! shit. wow. i think i might need a xanax. or 12.

i'm building an airport....only at the home depot!
-bigal

finally, a new blog entry!

2006-10-25T05:36:00.000-05:00

haha...i got you good you fucker.

i'm such a meanie
-bigal

philanthropy: one of my many hobbies that start with p

2006-09-05T01:16:00.000-05:00

this is just for you special people out there, you know who you are.

if any of you are curious as to where i get my music, wonder no more. i get it the old fashioned way: host it myself. if you want to check out what i've got online right now (i add to it whenever something strikes my fancy) click here. i also host videos that i either edit, create, or just find of interest. currently, the only file i have uploaded is nine inch nails' unreleased and uberdisturbing video for the ep broken (update: added a few of my class projects for the hell of it). i uploaded this video because it is not exactly easy to get your hands on, and the quality of the original file is horrid. i've cleaned up the audio and video considerably, although investing more time into it could help it out even further. you can check out the videos here. (some disturbing and graphic content)

small side note: if you wish to link to or distribute these addresses or files, please ASK me first. i do have to pay for the bandwidth, so leeching is not appreciated. it's not hard to find out where referrals are coming from, and i will stop all public access if this becomes a problem.

also, if anyone is interested in an email account through fourstardrug.net, i have many available, so just let me know.

thats all for now kids!
-bigal

mustang sally was a filthy whore (and other observations)

2006-09-03T16:57:00.000-05:00

for the longest time, i could swear i didn't exist. my reason, you say? well, random social comparisons of course! just in case you aren't familiar with my own made up terminology, random social comparison (r.s.c. is the preferred acronym among professionals, such as myself) is when a person, upon meeting someone else (ideally in a social situation, although i'm not really sure how else communication would be possible. but i gotta cover my bases. it's a legal thing.), and their first instinct is to blatantly explain to you how you are apparently the exact replica of someone else that only they (and their friends, of course) are so inclined to know. now, in normal conversation there is nothing wrong with telling someone how you remind him or her of someone else (i.e. carrot top, their mother, tom, fatty arbuckle, jesus) so long as that person can consider it somewhat complementary. but when you come up with overblown ideas in your little fragile mind as to the identity of my doppelganger, make sure you've got some sort of foundation to stand on. i'm talking evidence (as in photographs, voice recordings, fingerprints, hair strands, urine sample, blood tests, a big toe, etc) and bonafide witnesses. i'm not talking about your drunk friend who smells of busch light and self-loathing, but an expert witness. a professional (like me!), if you will. they need to be an expert in the fields of drunken logic, calculus, and womens golf; most importantly though, is an intense background in the study of people who are somewhat similar in stature and/or appearance to me. (fuck personality similarities, though. if you're friends with someone as shallow and petty as myself then i pity you.) i know this type of studied individual does not sound like an easy find, nor a cheap one. and believe me, they are not. but i can help. i just so happen to be an accredited expert in the above fields (surprise!) and i am willing to offer my services for a small fee of only $156,045 (and some change). for this, i will extract the necessary information from my sources (i.e. you), and then use said information to find the location of my accused body-double. if this person is indeed too similar for my liking, i will be forced to yell and stomp around for a bit, and quite possibly kick their dog/cat/little sister. this is to show you that i mean business. oh, and then i'd have to kill him. (it's a scientific thing; something about the space-time continuum being destroyed, i can't remember exactly. it's been awhile since i saw back to the future.) now, if you don't want any of this to happen to your precious alec-a-like, here is the simple solution: don't bring it up in the first place. i don't want to hear about how i remind you of some old douche-bag friend of yours, and i'm sure that same douche-bag would agree wholeheartedly for the reverse. but hey, guess what? i would love to keep on ranting, but i gotta go catch up on some womens golf.

i am a professional, you know.
-bigal

note to self

2006-08-15T16:03:00.000-05:00

This is my first time back in myspace world for awhile; most likely due to the fact that I'm in York for a few days and bored out of my skull. Besides that, I really haven't got much else to say. Hopefully some of my previous posts have been more interesting. If you're new to the random stupidity that is my blogsphere, I'm just going to apologize in advance. I promise that all the insipid rants and musings are my personal (albeit shitty) attempts at satire, so please take them as such. I may come off as obnoxious, overzealous, misogynistic, nihilistic, misanthropic, megalomaniacal or quite possibly even supercalafragulistic; but I really am a nice guy in my heart. Wherever that may be.

-bigal

support the chinese and buy magnetic ribbons

2006-05-13T09:24:00.000-05:00

video link: http://www.youtube.com/v/1G470rfJQCI

fox news takes the "support the troops" offense, while debasing baptists. because jesus (sorry, heavenly guy), these things are only reported by fox news. the "fair and balanced"/extremist right wing "news" station. rupurt murdoch controls every story that even has a chance of being aired, and the only ones that are somewhat bi-partisian controversial are those dealing with some person or group that hates the troops. and they always seem to end up on a show such as hannity and colmes, to be berated and humiliated. not because they think they will get a point across, but because they obviously have some other agenda. who would allow themselves to be interviewed by someone who will call them out for the obvious and have absolutely no agreements with them? paid correspondants. did you ever see the hannity and colmes (or maybe it was o'reilly. or tucker. or possibly ann coulter as a guest? [btw: why the hell hasn't fox gave her a show yet? i guess even they have their limits] fuck it though, they're all the same) "interview" with the guy whose website's message was simply "fuck the troops?" this guy had no rhyme, no reason, no argument, nothing. he apparently just hated the troops (like clinton, eh? *sad, sad smile. mmm...surplus*). but yet, he was knowledgable enough to go forth with and accept an interview with fox news. but apparently no other major news outlet knew of this guy. it must be because fox news doesn't have an extremist right-wing bias. it's all about "fair and balanced." shit, apparently the minority (don't worry, GOP. i'm not talking about mexicans) are the only ones watching either CNN, MSNBC, or ESPN. so that pretty much is where fox is trying to pull the educated population from. just say "troops" or "9/11," and the empathetic members of the population (empathy for others? isn't that like... SOCIALISM?? ha ha, joking. that's just for pinkos and the chinese) shed a tear. regardless the topic, basis, or even without such simple things as facts and sources; the mention of those key words draws an emotional reaction. and anyone with a political agenda knows how to play off that. back to this protest, this woman. for one, what was the whole "god hates fags" thing about? is that why soldiers are dying? because of gay people? fuck! better put them fags on an island then! i know Falwell's happy they can't adopt kids there. it would be like the garden of eden. except that apple is only gonna be eaten by adams. still, i just love how this woman maintains total composure; all while being insulted by hannity (and even colmes, for gods sake. i'd fucking kill myself for taking shit from him). for someone who is such an extremist, she sure is a pussy. but the baptist part. hannity does say about 1/2 to 3/4 through the interview that this church is a "seperate" denomination of the baptist church. but still, who are the MAJORITY of baptists? them good 'ole black people. no matter what, you say "hate troops" and "baptist" together on fox news, every hardcore right-winger and trailer-trash shithead is just getting an excuse for their hatred and ignorant racism. fuck, fox news already made hurricane katrina black america's fault (i mean, even the mayor was black. and black people looted. white people scavenged. and that one guy stole a bunch of heiniken. that was the moment americans knew they had to take a stand. a stand against an area sitting on death's bed, on the failure of the govenment that was supposed to help them. but those fucking niggers stole doritos from a wal-mart. how could they be so ungrateful after we let them live in the superdome?). back to the somewhat unargumentitive part. fox news wants to push GOP agendas, yet has to appeal to moderates and democrats due to the large disapproval in bush and his administration/war/budget/lies/monetary interests/general idiocy. so, why not take some "random" occurance in iowa (gee..funny how they brought up iowa's democratic primary election in the story. considering iowa is considered the home plate for the national democratic primary decision, that sure is one strange little interjection...). i would put money on this being just another publicity stunt, paid for by our good friend murdoch. don't believe me? how the hell could all these "fuck the troops," "fuck 9/11," or, "fuck anything that would piss off the general population" get interviews exclusively with them (fox news, for those with the mtv attention span)? the one network who's audience will automatically hate whatever they tell them to? whose hosts will insult and berate you? a place where you couldn't get your "agenda" or "message" across in any way possible? i mean, shit. what "we hate what other idiots hate, but for some unknown reason we hate american troops, too" group thinks fox news viewers are going to actually agree with them? yes, i'm sure they'd see the "God Hates Fags" sign, mutter "damn right," and take a sip of budweiser. but if that sign said "Troops Are Fags" though, different story. these people would be burning down every church that wasn't catholic (just kidding! the kkk hates catholics). then they go to iowa, and wave a posterboard on a freeway that says "God Hates Fags." which isn't anything new, except this time they said "troops" and were next to a military funeral. that is the clincher on the argument. I mean, who couldn't agree with a woman that hates american troops and 9/11? and apparently thinks that those people deserved everything they got? the fag thing though...hmmm.... doesn't really get brought up in the interview. just in videotaped signs, and about maybe 8 seconds of voice airtime. wow. they sure showed those signs a lot for it being such an insignificant topic. and for someone being interviewed, that woman didn't seem to care much about the "fag" aspect either. she just liked talking about how troops and the people that died because of 9/11 deserved it. no explanation why. they just apparently did. it wasn't because of gays, the theory of evolution, or the da vinci code. but do you want to know the truth of the matter? without all of those american deaths, how could fox afford to pay the actors protesting fictional causes in iowa?

hey, that's capitalism bud. gotta make money somehow.

-Alec

(ps: if you can find this story on any other major news network (i.e. CNN, MSNBC, ABC, NBC, CBS, PBS, or even The Onion; send me the link. If not, go google "steven colbert white house correspondents dinner." it's the best laugh/kick in the nuts that was so desperately needed speech I have ever seen. i guess that's why Time just named him one of the Top 5 most influental people in the country. But hey, it's the fucking liberal media. We all know about their communist bias.)

original post:

----------------- Bulletin Message -----------------
From: Tom
Date: May 13, 2006 1:27 AM

Very very disturbing.

http://www.youtube.com/v/1G470rfJQCI
These people make me sick.
OUR TROOPS DONT NEED THIS AND DONT DESERVE IT.

SUPPORT AMERICA OR GET OUT! I just don't get it...If you do not like it here then leave. If you think we are all horrible people then leave. If you don't like our immigration policy then leave. If you don't want to pay taxes then leave. Do you get the picture?

LET'S START WRITING THEM LETTERS.....LOL!!!!!!
Thanks to the internet and some resourcefulness here is her address and phone numbers...

Brent and Shirley Roper
3640 SW Churchill Rd
Topeka, KS 66604
785-273-7262
785-273-0277
785-273-1080

To re-post hit "Reply" then copy the information and re-post in your own bulletin

i love puppies and kitties

2006-05-11T12:13:00.000-05:00

Stand.
Alone.
Myself.
Your fault.
I cope.
No.
You?
Me?
The same?
One of you?
All of you?
The actions?
The reactions?
Lies.
Fucking.
Lies.
Heart.
Racing.
Must.
Maintain.
Sense.
Hope.
Fear.
Hate.
Doubt.
Belief?
Faith?
Conviction?
Justification?
Maybe.
Play.
The game.
The tones.
Thebullshit.
I fall.
A trap.
Every time.
I'm sure.
My fault.
Understand.
Shallow.
You.
Me.
The waters.
Tide comes in.
No matter.
Pull me under.
Stand here.
Disappointed.
Again.
Shit.
Things.
Real.
You. You're fault.
You.
The same.
You.
One.
You.
The actions.
The reactions.
Blind.
Hope.
Who cares?
Humanity.
Maybe.
Fuck.
Play.
The game.
The tones.
The same.
Fuck.
Bullshit.
Fall.
Trapped.
Every time.
Never fails.
Yes.
My fault.
The waters.
Teased.
Leave me.
Nothing.
Faithless.
Residual.
Binded.
Fucked.
Make.
Me.
Imagine.
Him.
Friends.
You.
Malice.
Motive?
Answers?
Tell it?
It is.
Or was.
Weakness.
Signs.
Pointing.
Position.
Myself.
Want to.
Have to.
Fate?
Circumstance?
Trust? You?
Me?
Have to?
Optionless.
Think.
Grind.
Layers.
Scraping.
Enamel.
Want to.
Need to.
Love to.
No.
Can't.
Restrain.
Wish.
Pray.
Abstain.
Feel.
Human.
Seconds.
The world.
Important.
Necessary.
Questions.
Disproved.
Explained.
Time.
It comes.
The day. Fear.
Humanity.
Facades.
Here.
Wondering.
Anger?
Maybe so.
No matter.
Curiosity.
Make it better.
Not your fault.
Mine.
Me.
Games.
Fall in line.
Just couldn't.
Not wanted.
Nice guy.
Sweet.
Sincere.
Honest.
Romantic.
Treacherous.
Deceitful.
Dishonest.
Selfish.
Egotistical.
Maniacal.
Righteous.
Imaginary.
Still.
Expect.
Belief.
Change.
New person.
Overnight.
You.
Not a child.
The hints.
Easier.
Put it out.
Open up.
Easy answers.
Just. Think.
Astound?
Denounce?
Invigorate?
Denunciate?
Empower?
Impeach?
Pass.
Save it.
Another day.
Hate.
Facts.
Force.
Dig.
History.
Try.
Explain.
Things are.
They are.
Try.
My fault.
Maybe.
Probably.
Right now.
Relief.
Possible?
Logical?
Burning.
Quietly.
Intent.
Change.
Accept it.
Share it.
Refute it.
Make life.
Take plight.
Want.
No.
Hide.
Wish.
Could.
Should.
Can't.
Won't.
Repeat.

Alas, poor Yorick!
I knew him, Horatio;
A fellow of infinite jest,
Of most excellent fancy.

-bigal