ADHD and Marriage

Finances - Getting the Conversation Going

MelissaOrlov — Tue, 15 May 2012 02:24:49 +0000

The New York Times recently published an article about the importance of having conversations about how money is being spent before you're in an emotional situation. This only makes sense to me - it's just another version of "coordinate, don't dictate" that comes with partnership rather than the parent/child version of dictating or delegating. Conversations around money, if done right, can also be a time to dream a little bit, especially if you're talking about travel, vacation or retirement. Even if you are fighting, can you find common ground in shared dreams of a possible future together? Stephanie Sarkis is also a good resource if you are thinking about money...she is the author of ADD and Your Money (her site is here).

Podcast Available for Anger and Marriage Talk

MelissaOrlov — Mon, 14 May 2012 21:22:39 +0000

Zoe Kessler and I tackled the topic of ADHD, marriage and anger from two different perspectives - that of an ADHD adult (her) and that of a non-ADHD adult and marriage expert. We had an interesting conversation around the biological side of ADHD anger - what that feels like, for example - and the environmental side of marital anger (as in "I can't believe my non-ADHD partner is on my case AGAIN!!" and "I can't believe my ADHD partner dropped the ball again!!") It's useful to realize that anger in your relationship comes from different places. You can get the link to the podcast from Zoe's blog, here. We're on again on Thursday, May 24 at 8pm talking about finding the positives in ADHD relationships. I'll post registration information as soon as it's available.

Undiagnosed ADHD Can Make You Angry!

MelissaOrlov — Mon, 30 Apr 2012 14:14:42 +0000

(by Zoe Kessler - see bio at end. This post is a "must read" for anyone dealing with an angry ADHD spouse!) I was diagnosed with ADHD at 46. After my diagnosis, I had a long talk with my sister (who does not have ADHD). One of the most startling things she told me was when we were kids, we’d be happily playing, when – POW! –I’d have an angry outburst. She said this scared her.

All these years later, her childhood memories made me cry. I was filled with shame and remorse. I’d had no idea how my moods had affected her.

When we were kids, I also had no idea what ADHD was, or why I couldn’t control my impulsive anger.

Today, I understand that like other ADHD symptoms, effort and willpower are no match for undiagnosed ADHD.

Not Getting Enough Sex in Your ADHD Marriage?

MelissaOrlov — Tue, 10 Apr 2012 19:45:42 +0000

Have you ever wondered what’s a “normal” sex life? There is so much buzz around the topic of sex in the forums right now, I think it’s time to write about sex – what might be going on if you’re having too little…and then I’ll write about getting away from porn and sex addiction in another post.

Melissa Orlov and Drs. Hallowell, Barkley, and Murphy discuss ADHD and Relationships

cveal — Mon, 05 Mar 2012 22:22:30 +0000

Is ADHD affecting your marriage? It would be rare if it didn't, but traditional marriage counseling often isn't very helpful unless ADHD is diagnosed and treated. The good news is it's highly treatable. In the March issue of the American Psychological Association (APA) Monitor Magazine, Melissa and Drs. Hallowell, Barkley, and Murphy discuss how undiagnosed ADHD affects millions of adults - and their romantic relationships. Read the article at APA Monitor.

The ADHD Effect on Marriage Chinese Edition is Now Available

cveal — Wed, 29 Feb 2012 16:12:09 +0000

Great news! The ADHD Effect on Marriage has been released in Chinese (in addition to Dutch). We are delighted to offer this version for people who are more comfortable reading in Chinese. And we love the Asian adaptation of the book cover. To purchase this version, or for more information, please visit Yuan-Liou Publishing Co., Ltd.

The Basics of Non-Medicinal Treatment for ADHD

MelissaOrlov — Wed, 22 Feb 2012 17:22:51 +0000

Many are curious about non-medicinal treatments for ADHD. Here's a quick overview of the basics.

How to Broach the Subject of Suspected ADHD

MelissaOrlov — Tue, 14 Feb 2012 18:36:54 +0000

“I think my partner has ADHD – he shows all the classic symptoms. How do I approach him with this without making him angry?” This is a great question and I applaud any spouse who is sensitive enough to be asking it. Some specific ideas and hints follow.

ADHD and Romance Webinar Up Now - in Time for Valentines Day

MelissaOrlov — Fri, 10 Feb 2012 22:42:12 +0000

I gave a one hour webinar for ADDResources.org not too long ago on the topic of "Reigniting Romance in ADHD Relationships" and they have been kind enough to let me link to the recording so you can see it. It's an hour long and one of a whole library of webinars that they offer. If you don't have time to watch, consider putting a reminder into your cell phone (or two, or three!) that will remind you to do something special for

A Challenge to Readers: Are You Validating Your Partner?

MelissaOrlov — Mon, 06 Feb 2012 18:31:37 +0000

Conversations go all wrong when we inadvertently invalidate our partners (or worse, do so on purpose!) Lots of people are confused about what “validating” means – they think it means “agree with” or “empathize with,” neither or which is accurate. So I want to try to clarify what validation is, and why it’s important by sharing some examples.

Dr. Hallowell's Response to “Ritalin Gone Wrong”

cveal — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 21:22:19 +0000

This past Sunday, The New York Times ran an opinion piece by L. Alan Sroufe called Ritalin Gone Wrong. Dr. Hallowell weighed in to counter the tactics and assumptions, stating “the piece pushed emotional hot-buttons in a way that would scare the daylights out of uninformed readers...” Dr. Hallowell offers a much different point of view, one based on his strength-based, whole-person approach to treating ADHD.

Six Steps to Nurturing A True Partnership

cveal — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 20:28:40 +0000

If your marriage is struggling - ADHD research suggests 58% of marriages with at least one ADHD spouse are clinically dysfunctional - there is hope. ADDA has highlighted six steps from the book, The ADHD Effect on Marriage, on how to rebuild your partnership dynamic. To read the post, please go here.

ADHD and Marriage: Should I Record Our Interactions?

MelissaOrlov — Mon, 09 Jan 2012 21:53:32 +0000

There's a really interesting conversation going on in response to my last blog post that has morphed into whether or not a non-ADHD spouse should secretly record conversations to demonstrate to an ADHD spouse that they really are mishearing and mis-remembering things. An ADHD spouse has also suggested that recordings might be a good learning tool for "where things go wrong." Here's what I think:

9 Tips for When Non-ADHD Spouses Just Can’t Cope Anymore

MelissaOrlov — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 20:18:40 +0000

Some days you just don’t have the energy to cope with your partner’s ADHD symptoms any more. What can you do? Here are nine tips to help you survive…

ADHD Meds Unlock Your Potential - A True Story

MelissaOrlov — Sun, 18 Dec 2011 10:54:32 +0000

I often am asked about why a person with ADHD should try meds, and one response I give is that meds can give you the clarity and calmness of mind to finally have a chance to let the talented, interesting person “inside” shine through without interference from ADHD symptoms. Along those lines is the story of Andres Torres, who helped the SF Giants win the World Series in 2010. He struggled and underperformed for years until he finally accepted his diagnosis of ADHD and decided to treat it. After that he went from the minors to win the Series. His story will be told in an upcoming documentary tentatively titled “Gigante.”

ADHD and Marriage: Preparing for the New Year

MelissaOrlov — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 22:21:43 +0000

Okay, I admit I stole this idea, but I will give full credit to Experience Life Magazine staff for writing a bit about why it’s important to think carefully about this year’s successes before setting your New Year’s resolutions (you can read the article here). This is a particularly smart idea for couples who’ve been struggling with ADHD issues for a while. Let me give you my specific thoughts…

ADHD and Organization - What Kind of Coach Might Help?

MelissaOrlov — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 17:26:45 +0000

Does it make sense for you to use a coach to get more organized? If so, how do you find the right coach? Certified Organizer Coach®, Sue West, has written a guest blog post to help you understand the different types of organization coaches, and where you might go to find one who fits your needs.

Excellent New Support Group Resource

MelissaOrlov — Mon, 21 Nov 2011 15:38:53 +0000

Bryan Hutchinson, who wrote a memoir about growing up with ADHD called "One Boy's Struggle" has just released a support group discussion guide with Sharon St.

Are ADHD People Lazy?

MelissaOrlov — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 16:40:16 +0000

Ned Hallowell likes to talk about the "moral diagnosis" of ADHD - the idea that those with ADHD are lazy or ill-willed. The 'moral diagnosis' was what people used to turn to when they didn't know as much about ADHD as we do now. Yet the idea that an ADHD spouse is 'lazy' is amazingly persistent. How to get at that? I've often said that in general, people with ADHD are some of the hardest working folks I know - its just that you can't always see the work because much of it is going on inside them. Their minds are working away, really hard, even as they might come across as "lazy" because they have trouble completing (and sometimes even starting!) tasks. Now researchers confirm that extra effort going on inside the ADHD person's head. MRI studies show that the area of the brain that orchestrate mental activity is more active for adults with ADHD than for those without.

ADHD Effect AudioBook Now Available!

MelissaOrlov — Wed, 09 Nov 2011 15:44:23 +0000

I'm happy to announce that the audiobook version of The ADHD Effect on Marriage is now available for download for the same list price as the paperback ($19.95) Here's to all of you out there who like to listen to your books, rather than read them!