ADHD and Marriage

Staying Together

cveal — Tue, 09 Jun 2026 15:10:32 +0000

ADHD & Marriage News - June 10, 2026

Quote of the Week

“We have a collective story about how romantic love is supposed to work, and it’s a pretty straightforward one. It goes something like this: If it lasts, then it’s real. If it doesn’t, then it wasn’t. Either that, or someone screwed it up really badly."

- Katherine Woodward Thomas

Staying Together

Nope – it’s not that simple. Sometimes real love dies even when both partners are trying really hard. And maybe no one screwed up. I’ve seen couples: grow apart; be unable to manage the stresses and surprises of being parents; be crippled by financial stress; give in to family of origin pressure; succumb to ADHD symptoms and responses to symptoms.

Their inability to stay together wasn’t a screw up. And it wasn’t because they didn’t love each other. Sometimes, like in the case of many with ADHD issues, they had a problem and didn’t know about the tools that could help them overcome the stressors and hopelessness they felt.

Don’t let lack of knowledge contribute to the demise of your relationship if ADHD is a factor in your struggles. My adhdmarriage.com website has many great resources and information to support you…and I’m always available for questions. You don’t need to do this alone.

Seminars, Groups:

Intent to Action (i2a) Membership Program - (Registration Ongoing) - where couples stop feeling alone and start making real progress.

What's inside:
→ Live Expert-led Office Hours
→ Weekly Action Tips to keep you engaged
→ Workshops with tools that work
→ Book Clubs
→ Community Discussion Forum
→ Unlimited Video Replays

i2a delivers the strategies, expert support, and community that transform how ADHD-impacted couples communicate, collaborate, and connect. Learn more and sign up here!

Live ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - (Fall 2026) Is your relationship in trouble? Melissa and senior consultants help partners improve their lives together in this premier 9-session ZOOM seminar that has changed the lives of many, many couples impacted by ADHD. Mental Health Professionals, take $50 off and check out our Affiliates Program.

The Self-Study Seminar - (Ongoing) Move at your own pace. Includes materials & recordings from recent live seminar lessons and Q&As. 3 months of Office Hours to support your learning! Military and Mental Health Professional discounts.

Non ADHD Partner Support Group - (Fall 2026) - Join a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.

ADHD Partner Support Group - (Fall 2026) Participants have space to speak honestly about what’s hard. Feel understood, connect with others who truly “get it” and gain valuable insight and advice.

Couples Support Group - (Fall 2026) - Seven sessions. 5 couples only will work with Internal Family Systems (IFS) master facilitator, Jason Weber, to understand what ‘parts’ of themselves are participating in the parent-child dynamics and learn how to compassionately move away from it.

Foundations in Habit Development - (Fall 2026) This special series is for ADHD partners who have completed The ADHD Effect Couples' Seminar. This two month program helps you solidify the changes you have started to make.

ADHD & Marriage Consulting Group - (Ongoing) - Work with an ADHD expert who understand the issues faced by individuals and couples impacted by ADHD. We STRONGLY recommend you also take the ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar

Therapist Training & more - (Ongoing) - For counselors, therapists, social workers, coaches, and other professionals who currently work with adults and couples impacted by ADHD, or who would like training to help improve their skills in this important therapeutic area.

Free Resources:

Is there hope? This video may help you answer that question:

Register for free marriage tips here! "Your weekly messages are beyond wonderful to receive, I cannot thank you enough! Please know the gifts that you give are treasured."

Fact of the matter: My husband has given up on life

2Independent — Mon, 08 Jun 2026 14:57:35 +0000

Forum:

Anger, Frustration & ADHD

I just need to admit this and deal with it. I saw signs of him "resigning himself" nearly 20 years ago and failed or refused to see those signs as red flags. In these past two decades, it has slowly, progressively gotten worse. Whenever I brought up ADD, he'd fly off the handle.

My husband (it was a huge surprise with no warning or discussion) retired (very) early immediately after I got a big promotion at work. I probably should have divorced him then. I'm not sure why I didn't. The message was so clear. It was also around that time that he began withdrawing from the outside world (worse than before). Through the years, he has become less . . . capable, needier, having problems with the simplest of tasks. Yes, it's the ADD with age added, a health issue added, and his decision not to address any of these issues or work to push through. He has surrendered. How anyone throws their arms in the air like this is beyond me. But I believe now that the "surrendering" part of his personality was always there. . . it was just lurking in the background.

We've been married a long time. I am not in a time in my life when I can just pick up and leave. That would throw me back financially to an unthinkable position. I didn't put all of this into this life and marriage to end up screwed and struggling just as I approach retirement age.

Yes, I have a life outside of our home. I'm active in the community. I work. My husband doesn't join me in any activities any longer--he won't even go to the community farmers market with me. We have a gym membership. He hasn't been in months and says he doesn't intend to go (but continues to pay the membership). He has no idea about the projects I am working on even at home. I hardly share anything with him any longer because of lack of interest or that he doesn't listen and will forget what I've said 10 minutes after I've said it. It's almost as if he's subtly pushing me toward an affair (I will not do that).

He spends his days not only sitting in front of the TV but constantly--and I mean constantly--on Instagram. He will have the TV volume up along with the volume on his phone (this is a new one). It is an addiction and an obsession. He's gaining weight. He has a sugar addiction. His diet focuses on pizza and fried foods . . . and he has a heart condition. He refuses healthy foods. Yes, we eat separate meals for the most part.

My next big push is another doctor's visit. This time with me present. It will be my last effort. It will be hell to get him there. In the meantime, I'm trying to straighten out our wills (which he is being difficult about) because I don't know what else to do except to get ready for him disappearing altogether, which he seems to be actively working on. How was any of this ever acceptable to me? What was I thinking? And how do I even go forward with all of this?

Signs of ADHD in online dating

Swedish coast — Sun, 07 Jun 2026 22:24:15 +0000

Forum:

Communication with ADHD

Have been trying online dating for a few days. Out of hundreds of men’s profiles I’ve found only one person attractive. He contacted me full of enthusiasm.

Then we’ve tried to arrange a first date. Yesterday I drove 15 miles to a place and time he’d suggested, just to find he’d cancelled on 1,5 hour’s notice because he was ’caught up in a neighboring town’ and wouldn’t make it.

Today he wanted to see me but we were both busy during the day. When I suggested 8 pm in his neighborhood he answered it was too late for him.

First I was annoyed. Then I started to suspect he was complicating things to delay the date on purpose, or was playing some game to test me.

And just now I drew a sharp breath thinking I’ve stumbled upon another ADHD person. Who is as sweet as can be probably, but can’t keep appointments because of time blindness, and whose Adderall wears off about seven pm, so can’t have a conversation at night.

Sometimes I feel my world is exclusively inhabited by neurodiverse people and it’s all I’ll ever know.

Penguins

Fri, 05 Jun 2026 21:17:01 +0000

Forum:

other

Before I say another word. I want to express wholeheartedly that I come to this forum to share my deepest and most intimate thoughts because I know, there are poeple here I can trust. Having said that, I'm going to to say a few things that might not be well received by everyone, especially those with string religious ( Chriatian in particular ) conviction. What I'm about to say, is approximately 63 years coming to my best recollection....age 5.

What I'm doing now, is making a list of people who no longer get access to me. These people are off my list.

Picture a water pole match. The ref on the side of the pool has a stick with a flag on it. When someone commits a foul, the ref raises the flag and points to the offender. That's what I'm in the process of doing now. I'm raising the the flag, and pointing my finger at the offender and saying: flagrant foul, your gone. ( ejected from the game ). The game being access to me.

And it starts at age 5 when I was kicked out of Sunday School for questioning her, ultimately pinning her down to the "well, what about the Penguins??" ...which was when I was thrown out for "being disruptive". I can say this now, with absolute assuredly, that I did NOT feel rejected, I was pissed. So mad, that even my mom backed down and tried to calm me down.

Now, in my adult self, I realized "who" that Sunday school mother was. That was a gatekeeper who was taking moral authority over me for questioning her authority. That's who that was. I was absolutely serious in that moment. I wanted an answer...instead I was "thrown out". That's exactly what that was, which tells me exactly "who" does not not get access to me anymore. Flag on the play...your out !

This is the value to me now, in countless ways. I'm speaking for me personally...I'm not saying these are bad people. I'm saying...these are not the people for me. End of story.

What I have determined is, dogs are superior creature in every way to humans. And if I want companionship...dogs are the clear over any human I could ever meet. Dogs display qualities that I admire. And most importantly...dogs don't judge. Judgemental people...Flag: your out. People who see themselves and morally superior to other humans. Flag on the play...your out! And the list goes on. I have been thinking about a dog though. My favorite breed is a Pappilon because of their amazing intelligence. Unbelievably smart (scary smart) and my last one ( Poo ...for little shit ) was the best companion anyone could ask for. I think dogs are simply superior to humans in every way. Their integrity is impeccable and they operate on unconditional love and their currency. The problem is....Pappilons are affectionately known ( by some ) as drop kick dogs. Lol. Meaning, their really super cute and serve no other value ...other than, a companion. But their drop kick size is what's my issue now. I've got a short list as my: "best replacement for a human category". Right now, it's down to an Australian Sheep dog or a Blue Healer. But, as a third...not quite so rugged or working class dog is a Sheltie. Kind of like a bigger Pappilon...but still more of a companion dog than the other two. And since I'll be with it the entire time, I'll be there for it in everyday. I think they're big enough, not to be a target, smart, loyal and more of a stick like glue dog. And they Mr. handle both hot and cold weather. I'm thinking a Sheltie might be the perfect fit for me. I had this realization, that dogs are superior to humans in most ways but especially in companionship. If thats what a want, then a companion dog is the best choice. That's all I'm missing in my personal journey of self actualization.

The rest, as I started this post, is determining who gets access, and who does not. That'll take a while. By nature, I'm not very judgmental but in this excersise...I'm have to be.

Just the Right Person

cveal — Wed, 03 Jun 2026 19:55:12 +0000

ADHD & Marriage News - June 3, 2026

Quote of the Week

“Another helpful adjustment is to drop the idea of finding a soul mate. “We have this mythological idea that we will find a soul mate and have these euphoric feelings forever,” says Chapman. "In fact, soul mates tend to be crafted, not found."

- Gary Chapman, author of The Five Love Languages

Just the Right Person

In my opinion, the idea that someone is ‘perfect’ for us just by being themselves, is a myth... perhaps a myth placed on top of a fantasy. It assumes a ‘happily ever after’ just by being together. That’s just not how healthy, joyous relationships work. Marriage research shows clearly that euphoric feelings lessen for 97% of couples after the dopamine of infatuation wears off (at between 24 – 28 months into the relationship.) And then it becomes about overtly nurturing your connections.

In relationships impacted by ADHD, this nurturing typically has to be even more thought through:

Schedule time to be together, don’t just assume it will happen (too much distraction for that!)
Make sure to keep doing new and challenging things together to connect.
Work hard to optimize ADHD treatment so that inconsistency doesn’t hurt your relationship.
Avoid falling into parent/child dynamics at all costs (this takes work by both parties!)

But with all that – you may be able to end up saying, "we are with just the right person".

Is that a soul mate? Nah, but do you need a label beyond ‘really, really happy?’ Just plan on doing the work to keep it that way.

Seminars, Groups:

Intent to Action (i2a) Membership Program - (Registration Ongoing) - where couples stop feeling alone and start making real progress.

What's inside:
→ Live Expert-led Office Hours
→ Weekly Action Tips to keep you engaged
→ Workshops with tools that work
→ Book Clubs
→ Community Discussion Forum
→ Unlimited Video Replays

i2a delivers the strategies, expert support, and community that transform how ADHD-impacted couples communicate, collaborate, and connect. Learn more and sign up here!

Free Resources:

Is there hope? This video may help you answer that question:

Register for free marriage tips here! "Your weekly messages are beyond wonderful to receive, I cannot thank you enough! Please know the gifts that you give are treasured."

Feeling Like a Single Parent At Times

purpledaisy26 — Fri, 29 May 2026 21:53:05 +0000

Forum:

Anger, Frustration & ADHD

Content Warning: Contains references to suicide

Hi there, I hope everyone is doing well today. I wanted to log on and vent some frustration with my ADHD spouse. I'm starting to get very resentful and don't know how to feel better about the situation. My ADHD husband is lazy when it comes to being a dad. He does do a lot of other things, which he often points out. But when it comes to spending genuine quality time or investing into his kids, he would rather be zonked out on his cell phone or talking to a friend, mowing five lawns in the neighborhood, or just about anything else. If I ask him to help with the two-year-old, he will "help" for about a minute before moving onto something else. When a neighbor needs him for something, poof he is immediately gone. Sometimes he leaves his cell phone at home, and he will just disappear somewhere in the neighborhood and I have no idea where he went. His job doesn't pay enough and now we're on food stamps and WIC. Have been for awhile, actually. So he ended up getting a second job, and he's gone a lot more now. People ask if it bothers me that he's gone so much, but honestly, I feel like a single mom sometimes anyway, so I don't really mind him working all the time. I figure, at least he's bringing in more money. When he was home before, he would lay in bed and "lament" a lot. He'd complain about not having money and talk suicidal talk, saying he wished he could just die, that he hoped he'd get hit by a bus soon, etc. When I asked him if he was really suicidal, he would say he wasn't, and just say he was frustrated. This went on for years and years (actually, pretty much our whole marriage). But if I tell him he needs to get evaluated or get some help, he'll say he doesn't need it. Very frustrating and I try to keep my kids away from it as much as possible, for fear that it will negatively affect him. He gets very negative in the way he talks, but he'll say he's just being realistic. When I ask for help with the kids' meals or bedtime routine, I have to beg and beg until he reluctantly does something. Otherwise, he'll just be laying in bed on his cell phone not paying attention to anyone. He does switch over the laundry constantly, and he does fold it, but he mixes it all up. We have five kids, and he doesn't want to take the time to learn whose laundry is whose or where it goes, and doesn't help me enforce it for the kids to put away their laundry. (I call the kids into the room and ask them to sort through and find their clothes and put them away, or I'll end up just putting it all away myself). If there's a holiday or it's my birthday, I have to schedule something and ask him to "babysit" his own kids, but I have severe anxiety about leaving them in his care due to his inattentiveness. I recently went to dinner with a friend for our birthdays and while I was gone he let the two year old wander into the garage because he was on the phone and not watching. Our son got hurt and my husband texted me and asked when I was coming home. I guess I'm just asking for some validation to my frustration and also asking for help on how to appreciate him for the things he does right. I know he's working two jobs now, and I do appreciate that. I know he loves his kids. I don't doubt that. But he doesn't really take time to instill anything in them as far as values or godly character, aside from taking our family to church on Sundays. If anything, the way he talks and how he acts are opposite from what a Christian's attitude should be. For example, when I tell him I want help with the kids' meals, he says he's "just not interested" in helping with that and he'll say, "I do other things." He also doesn't have the attention span to play catch with the boys in the yard, play with the baby on the playground (or almost anywhere, really). He'll make comments about wanting more kids, although he got the vasectomy. And I'm thinking, why? Would he say he's sad about it or wants more, when he doesn't want to be present or intentional with the kids we have now? It's so hard when I see other men playing with their children and interacting, helping their wives with meals and encouraging their wives to take breaks or go out with friends, and my husband behaves the way he does. How do I stop feeling so resentful? He does take the four older kids out to meals with just them on occasion, and we do go on family hikes, or he'll play video games or watch a movie with them in the livingroom. He also fixes up their bikes and sometimes we'll go on bike rides with the neighbors. That is about the extent of his involvement as a dad. Should I just be thankful that at least he does something, instead of nothing? It's so hard for me to stop comparing when I see other dads being more thoughtful, intentional and present and I don't have that type of partner. He also will barely look me in the eye because he says it makes him uncomfortable. Anyway, thanks for any help or advice in advance.

The Debs are watching

Fri, 29 May 2026 19:22:23 +0000

Forum:

Communication with ADHD

I'm having another SMH moment concerning my sister. To be clear, a "Deb" is short for Debutante...and yes, I'm being monitored.

If you recall, I mentioned my mom trying to put me through Debutante Training from lack of understanding how little boys operate. I definitely didn't operate that way!

This is absolutely, a perfect example of how there was a complete breakdown and disconnect in communication in my family unit. I'll the backstory as brief as possible to get to the point.

My mom, in college, pleadged to a particular sorority whole in school. I calling "Debutante Training " that came from her own experience in "said" sorority. And both my sisters pledged to "said " sorority, at the exact same college ( not my mom's ) but the same one that I ended up going to however, I wanted nothing to do with the "Greek System" while there. Surprise right?

Then, my sisters daughter pledged to "said" sorority, while she was in college. So now, there's 4 of these women in just my family alone. The hive is definitely buzzing.

So now, just recently, this new Facebook friend contacts me, and starts asking about my plans. But the overall message keeps repeating; "are you safe?". Please be safe. Are there predators? Me: "yes, bears and wolf and cougars. " Her: "well be safe ! "

Every future contact was again, wanting to know if I'm safe. Be safe!! Please be Safe! Which felt genuinely concerning and I think is it is....but

The conversation switched to some photography and music I combine and post in "my story " on social media. Their just pics I taken that I combine with music to pass the tike because it's fun. Music just pops into my head and I put it with my photos. But also, the "my story" feature, shows who's seen it so I can see who's seen them or not. During this one conversation, this woman mentioned something about work, and being lucky to have this skill....in a "work" related way. It was subtle, but noticicable, "work" got thrown into me saying I was having fun for my own amusement which is why it's fun. I mentioned....if it was "work" I would do it because at "work", I never got to do my own ideas and had to do "someone else's ideas " instead.

She balked. She was just about to write something then backed off. Mmmm.

Future contacts kept on the same theme. Be safe! Be safe! Are you safe? Where are you? Is it safe?

Which seemed a bit curious for someone I'd never met to be so fixated on my safety? She had no photo of what she looked like so I decided to take a look.

But before I go there, she told me SHE went to the same school as I did too. That same school both my sisters went to...yet she was younger ....my age. The plot thickens.

And my mom was rabid about being a Deb. They had Deb meetings..and all the Debs from all over would go. And they had Deb reunions, where all those Debs would go....past and present Debs..their like gaggles of Debs!!

This is what I personally witnessed growing up. It's not speculation what so ever. This "said" group of Debs are like an Deb Army. Seriously. They're everywhere, doing what Debs do.

And one thing Debs do is gossip. They are the Queens of gossip! How do I know, I listened to them...NON STOP!! LOL. I lived inside this Deb insanity ...from my perspective...my entire childhood.

So now, I'm chatting with this woman online I've never met before about "my story" posts...then suddenly, my sister appears on one, checking it out which she never does. Gee that's strange??? What would cause my sister ( who won't call me ) to show up looking at my photos ?? Mmmmm?

And then, out of the blue...my sister comments on one of my more recent posts and says:

"Kelly I am glad you are taking each day and feeling accomplished with all your tasks!! And especially glad you enjoyed Memorial Day with your front row seat! So very creative!
Take good care as always - love and care to you."

There's nothing wrong with this highly curated sounding comment. Highly curated sounding, somewhat impersonal and reads like a Haklmark card? Except for the fact...that's its from my sister who won't even call me!! Lol

I haven't talked to her in over a month. I haven't updated her on anything. I've given her NO new information yet, she's seems to be abreast of my creative "tasks" etc.

So when I looked up this woman who's been contacting me, just to see who she is...I saw 1 post....that explained everything. It was a cake...and on the cake was a Symbol . A symbol that I knew extremely well and recognized it immediately. It was the Symbol that represents "said" sorority house, at the same college I went to, which was the same college this woman went to, which is the same college BOTH my sisters went to...and they're all Debs !! It's like one big Deb conspiracy!!

And me....I'm just shaking my head. My sister can't even call me, but her and all the Debs can gossip and get information to relay it back to each other in this insane Deb hive they've got going on. Sheese!!

And this woman acting like some Deb surrogate for my sister ....because my sister can't ( or won' ) call me and just get it straight from the horses mouth?

What this appears like to me, is that my sister is worried . Yes. And she's full of fear about me and the "predators ". Yes. And she can't stop worryingly. Yes. So she needs me to "come back, come back...get a job. Get an apartment....come back...don't go. Because I'm worried. Yes.

"Okay mom....but I'm doing it anyway. Even if your worried. I can't stop you're worrying...I have no control of that either!! "

That's about what I use to say to my real mom. Different words...same message. And now in this totally bizarre "Deb conspiracy" ..using a different Deb to "get information" for her, my sister is doing this Deja Vous feeling repeat of my mom...for the same reason. By remote!!

I'm mean seriously, this could make a person paranoid if it weren't so obvious. It feels exactly like when my other Deb sister...looked at this Deb sister...and said "Peter Pan Sydrome" right in front me me...as if....I didn't know what they were doing!!!

And what really clued me in...is when I told this surrogate Deb, where I was sleeping at night. ( the photos she saw and commented on ).

Boom. Conversation over. I haven't heard a word since. That "Halmark Card" response from my siste is all I got in reply. Instead of just picking up the phone and calling me.

What a concept ? No surrogate Deb needed?

Leaving the Family

Kiki18 — Fri, 29 May 2026 09:52:07 +0000

Forum:

other

Hello, the following situation has befallen a friend of mine. I want to support her in any way I can. Here is what happened:
A man with untreated ADHD (43 years old) left his partner after 24 years because another woman was intensely pursuing him and wanted to have him. Her pursuit went on for eight weeks; she wouldn't give up and was absolutely determined to get him. Suddenly, the man's feelings for his wife vanished, and he left his wife and child for this new woman. The new relationship has now been going on for four months. In 2025, he was very moody and often irritable; he claimed that everything was "too much" for him—that everyday life was exhausting, his wife was exhausting, and that he simply wanted peace and quiet when he was at home. He would ask his wife to create to-do lists for renovating the house, only to turn around and accuse her of stressing him out and creating work for him.
What advice can be offered to my friend? How should she conduct herself?
Thank you very much!

My AuDHD Story

PainfullySelfAware — Wed, 27 May 2026 13:37:08 +0000

Forum:

other

Hi all! (Don’t use emojis or the post won’t save and you will get a strange error, got it)

I’m AuDHD, diagnosed at 45 and now 48. I’ve spent the past 5 years learning about autism, but I think I missed how much ADHD impacted my relationships.

I left my husband after 14 years because I became the resentful partner managing everything: appointments, chores, cooking, emotional labor, all of it. I tried chore lists, direct communication, flexibility, everything I could think of. Nothing changed. He’d come home from work and disappear into hobbies while I carried the household alone.

Trying to manage an entire household while also struggling with AuDHD just finally completely broke me. The constant mental load, exhaustion, overwhelm, and emotional labor became unbearable. By the end, I had nothing left.

I don’t regret leaving, but I do carry sadness about it now and wonder sometimes whether understanding ADHD better would have changed anything.

Now I’m with a wonderful partner who likely also has ADHD. He’s caring, emotionally intelligent, and vulnerable in so many ways, except when something he says or does hurts me. Then it becomes defensiveness and deflection. I’ve also found myself overwhelmed with chores on many occasions.

So here I am, recognizing familiar patterns and terrified of ending up back in the same dynamic.

My therapist keeps reminding me not to take on the work of figuring out my partner’s diagnosis for him, because that becomes more labor on me. But I’m trying so hard to protect this relationship.

Capacity, Hypervigilance and Fear

Tue, 26 May 2026 19:33:10 +0000

Forum:

Progress You are Making and Hope

I discovered some curious things within my own capacities and strengths. One of the more intersect things to note; despite having ADHD, I'm not only a good driver, but also a safe one. That actually carries over into a lot of things I've done in the past. The most interesting part for me is that I may do crazy stuff but I rarely, if ever, get injured. That's seems counterintuitive but it's simply true. By all means, I should have a laundry list of injuries, broken bones, etc...but I don't?

This is what I'm now realizing is a skill of itz own, but for what ever the reason, it's not just how well or skilled you are, but staying within your own limitations is also a skill. Even when it's extreme circumstances, that's what's kept me from injury more than any skills I have doing what ever it is I do. I can simply say, I stay within my capacity.

And I have really big fear right now is getting into and accident, wrecking my vehicle and or getting injured. It would really mess up my plans in untold ways. That is a real world possibility but also have to drive and go places. I have to . So, I have to not get into a wreck ...and possibly get injured but I also have to drive my vehicle around under that kind of pressure. And my default setting is to just relax and enjoy it. Getting uptight about what might happen doesn't make me a better driver. My "better, safer, more aware" self is not all anxious and uptight. I can drive well like that, and I have to drive well. It's what I've always done, and it's actually a relaxing experience. I also drive more slowly so I have more time to react.

But one aspect of this entire experiment that I just realized yesterday. I feel like a child again. There ferel child that is. But I have all the skills of an adult. It's kind of that wish you could go back, and still know everything you know. I just had this awakening to the fact that I felt just like a child again ....just in the building of my trailer. Getting ready for the adventure, and standing there in bare feet with my shirt off and feeling the grass when I walked. It occurred to me....this was how I dressed as kid in the summer. No shirt, no shoes, and cut off shorts. No cutoffs...but feeling felt the same. I'm just doing the same thing, with a much greater capacity. And when I stay within my capacity....things start to become fun. My best driving self that keeps me safe, is also the most relaxed and able to perform at my best.

And my best has proven to not get me into accidents or get injured while driving a car. I have a great track record over a long period of time so...if it's not broken, don't fix it. Right?

The Pain of Being Wronged

cveal — Tue, 26 May 2026 15:56:25 +0000

ADHD & Marriage News - May 27, 2026

Quote of the Week

“To be wronged is nothing unless you continue to remember it."

- Chinese fortune cookie

The Pain of Being Wronged

I don’t agree with this fortune cookie because it diminishes the emotional pain of being wronged. But I do hate grudges. And I see them all the time.

As I see it, when you are wronged you have a choice to make – to experience your pain and decide what to do with it in a good way, or to hold the pain dear and turn it into a grudge. In the first case in order to ‘let go’ of that pain you must allow it to inhabit you enough so that it can work through you in all of the phases of healing – which might include feeling anger, regret, perhaps bargaining, and depression. But as you allow these feelings to happen, you let the pain ‘flow’ through you to a resolution or acceptance. You might well never ‘forget’ it, but it won’t control your life.

When you ‘continue to remember it’ in the form of a grudge (implied by the fortune) you are doing something else altogether. You are holding that pain inside you, ruminating about the unfairness of it, allowing it to grow and poison you.

Do you hold onto your pain in a way that hurts you more than it hurts others?

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Intent to Action (i2a) Membership Program - (Registration Ongoing) - where couples stop feeling alone and start making real progress.

What's inside:
→ Live Expert-led Office Hours
→ Weekly Action Tips to keep you engaged
→ Workshops with tools that work
→ Book Clubs
→ Community Discussion Forum
→ Unlimited Video Replays

i2a delivers the strategies, expert support, and community that transform how ADHD-impacted couples communicate, collaborate, and connect. Learn more and sign up here!

Free Resources:

Is there hope? This video may help you answer that question:

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Special days

Swedish coast — Thu, 21 May 2026 14:00:09 +0000

Forum:

Progress You are Making and Hope

As some of you know, my extended family relations are strained.

One thing I struggle with is how to manage holidays and special days. Coming up are a parent’s birthday and Midsummer’s Eve (a day of general celebration here).

Since the parent doesn’t host anything for their birthday it’s up to me to acknowledge the date in some way. It’s the weekend and I’ll be working, so there’s not much I can do but make a phone call and deliver a gift some other day (they live 2 hours away). But I still dread this date and have for years.

The days before Midsummer, the kids will be staying with their grandparents. Kids say they want to spend the holiday there too. I dread this day, intensely. Parents say the kids and I are welcome when I asked on behalf of the kids, but there’s no invitation. I know that means it’s on me to arrange some kind of celebration at their house. It needs to suit their chaotic yet very specific requirements and not test their non-existing planning skills. The celebration also needs to include an open invitation to adult siblings (siblings have been taught to come unannounced whenever they feel like it). This is the ‘freedom to do as one pleases’ that my family of origin cherishes above all else. It doesn’t mean freedom for me.

I seem to have two options. Either I go there with the responsibility of having invited the four of us myself, and try to be generous and energetic but not overcompensate or have negative emotions, since that would ruin everybody’s day. And if I do have any negative emotions (since I’m hypersensitive after decades of trying to do this kind of hosting with all responsibility and no power), I need to not make a fuss but immediately drive the two hours home, alone.

Or I could spend the holiday alone at home.

Dear other partners and children of passive and rigid neurodiversity who’ve broken yourselves trying. What do you do?

Encourage Love

cveal — Tue, 19 May 2026 12:30:58 +0000

ADHD & Marriage News - May 19, 2026

Quote of the Week

“I think everybody longs to be loved, and longs to know that he or she is lovable. Consequently, the greatest thing that we can do is to help somebody know that they’re loved and capable of loving."

- Fred Rogers

Encourage Love

Often the person who goes outside the marriage no longer felt loved or lovable and could see no way to change that. They may have tried to talk with their partner about their feelings and may have been shut down by vicious attacks and lack of empathy.

The intense fantasy and infatuation of the affair served to rebuild a sense of being lovable.

I’m not here to justify affairs – in fact I can say without a doubt that this is one of the worst possible things you can do to yourself and to your marriage. If you’re contemplating this, or feeling unlovable, seek couples counseling and get your feelings out. DON’T go the affair route.

But let me focus on the other side of Rogers’ quote, ‘the greatest thing that we can do is to help somebody know they’re loved and capable of loving.’ Compassion, generosity of spirit, giving your partner the benefit of the doubt, encouraging them to love by example…these are the gifts you can give your partner and yourself. It can be hard to find this after years of struggle – particularly if your partner is regularly angry and/or hurtful.

But don’t give up. In interactions with your partner, ask yourself these questions – ‘how can I be kind?’ and ‘how can I show my partner s/he is loved?’

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Core Values and Transmission

Sun, 17 May 2026 13:37:58 +0000

Forum:

Communication with ADHD

I've spent some comaiderable time, thought and self reflection, in determining my strengths and weaknesses, especially in the area of communication. I've recently re-educated myself with a different vocabulary to convey my own findings ( of myself ). This has taken a lot of research to find the accurate words to use. It's been a tough assignment but I think I've narrowed it down.

My core values include:

authenticity

coherence

experiential truth

embodied honesty

precision

clarity

depth

structural understanding

directness

truth fidelity

And

epistemic integrity.

Epistemic integrity is the one I probably hold most dear of all. For me, I don't just experience these as preferences. They become more than just a stylistic preference but morally and psychologically important. That's why vagueness, *excessive smoothing, amibuiguity maintenance, emotional fogging, or diluted language can feel, not just annoying but almost unreal, false or integrity reducing.

What I do not value is: Debate, or a winning is everything attitude. I do not value adversarial relationships or entertaining any notion that defies the "...it's how you play the game."

Using that "sportsmanship" reference. I value sportsmanship in competion most of all, within that same reference. Taking unfair advantage is something I take seriously and frown upon with an almost extreme prejudice.

I'm very sensitive to; distortion, false framing, emotional incongrence, and misrepresenting reality in my language. These aren't just a communication style as they are a value structure or framework.

My biggest challenge is preserving these values without collapsing the structure and abandoning these values. I believe these are some of my finer features that are worth preserving.

What' become apparent to me are my missing skills in transmission calibration and refinement. Paradoxically, without attenuation, the signal becomes distorted, creates feedback ( loop ), clipping, loss of signal and degradation in fidelity, the very things I value.

As a self critique, this appears to be more of a signal engineering and mechanics problem which definitely requires a more "nuts and bolts" approach on my end.

What I do recognize is my style. My style reflects more of who I am than a deficit of transmissions skills. This relates directly to my "artist style" as well. As I observed in myself...in my strength area in drawing and artists expression, my lack of motor refinement cause a systematic approach of drawing an unround circle...erasing, redrawing, erasing, drawing over and finally coming up with a personal style of my own. It unique, it has character and the flaws are not necessarily being hidden. All those extra lines that don't get erased and form and impression that actually has a quality of it's own. It's less than perfect..and it's left there for the viewer to see. It may have a rougher quality or texture but it makes me who I am. That's really not the issue. Erasing everything to become a perfect circle has a sterile quality without any personality. Identity becomes lost which is the other extreme. I recognize the imbalance and where I need some work. I also realize it's a skill like anything else. It's not just a snap your fingers and become something else...or something that your not.

This is most definitely a refinement issue...and finding the "sweet spot" thing. I'm very good at finding the sweet spot in other things and learning how to do it. That's why attenuation is the answer ...not abandoning all my values in favor of just one thing.

The other thing I noticed about myself that's different than many accounts of ADHD husband's and partners. As I rule...I tend to finish what I started until the job is done. I don't make promises on time, only that I don't tend to quit.

My strengths also included not getting deterred by a growth edge. I'm also still not very skilled at support, for a few more obvious reasons. I'm more of a "rise to the occasion" kind of guy when called on. This applies to my self too. You can knock me down, but I'll always get back up. I finish what I start...it's also what I do.

I think this is fair accessment and critique of myself. It includes my best features and where I can use some more work.

As far as my communication is concerned, it's a process that never ends. Once you think you've arrived ...is when stop learning. There's always another wall to go thru, the process never ends.

That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.

The body DOES keep the score

Off the roller coaster — Sat, 16 May 2026 21:29:32 +0000

Forum:

Diagnosis and Treatment of ADHD

Its been some time since i have posted but i have been keeping updated within this community. Its lovely to see new usernames and shared experiences woth familiar postings. With that.... i have a bit of an update and not sure if im looking for advice or just need to share to see what others experiences are.

I believe fully that the body keeps the score. In fact ive almost finished the book! Ive found it enlightening. In my personal life i have now numbed myself in reaction to my husband's lifestyle choices and how he chooses to live his life. I realised a couple of years ago and feel like ive resigned myself that id be surprised if he makes it to 50. He turned 49 in April and this past week he was admitted to the hospital. He has since been diagnosed with an acute illness that developed into sepsis. Pretty scary stuff and its brought up some not-great medical memories that he and i share with our son from a really tough time.

My thoughts are this: my husband has to 'rest' every day. And from my recollection, hes never had a single 'good day' or can i remmeber in the last 6 years of when hes been "happy". Hes a miserable person. A yum yucker. Its pretty consistent on the daily that he is upset about something or whatever. The other point is that he doesnt sleep well, eat right, dribk water, move his body or face his demons. His daily darkness just piles on top of each other every day and keeps going.

I believe the body keeps the score and if you dont listen, it makes you listen. Whether you like it or not.

Well that is what happened in my opinion last weekend. My husband, who has only now figured out that he has RSD, was triggered by most likely his brother (but technically its my husbands inability to say NO to anyone or anything), he then picked an awful fight with me over something incredibly stupid (and i refuse to take those verbal snapping laying down anymore) and then we had an awful figjt right in front of our son, pretended to play nice for the rest of the day and event, he went back to bed (as he does every day) and then he fell ill and it took me having to ring the doctor and then yelling at him to get in the car to grt him to the hospital.

And now hes been diagnosed with celutitus that developed sepsis. Hes doing loads better now and things are under control, but no one can tell me different that this isnt his body calling in time.

And i just dont know which way is up. Well...I do and i dont.

I trust myself and my gut implecitly. My life outside of my marriage is awesome. When my husband isnt around i breathe easier. Im glad hes in the hospital bc i cant be his nurse. Our house is disgusting bc none of us clean it regularly (i gotta drop some plates some of the time) and now my husband has realised tjat changes have to happen.

I know in my gut what i have to do - or at least what elephant in the room that needs to be talked about, but seeing as hes still in the hospital, not recovered and with a mirage of health problems....i kinda am hoping he stays put for a while or another week at least for more clarity. And i feel awful and guilty for feeling that. And i also dont feel awful either. Hes a good person and means well, but hes a terrible husband and ive reached my limit.

This really feels like a rock bottom for him or at least a moment of reckoning...but i see patterns and know his behaviour, he probably wont make any substantial changes. And then who knows what will happen. It also feels weird and guilty that i write this so freely, before id be tore up from it all, but now, im takign some massive sighs of relief and trying to take small, bitesize bites out of a massive issue that maybe isnt as big as i thought.

Whats the best way to eat an elephant? One bite at a time.

Navigating a New Diagnosis and Impact on Marriage

AdkADHD29 — Thu, 14 May 2026 13:18:30 +0000

Forum:

Anger, Frustration & ADHD

Hi all,

New to the forum and newly diagnosed male in my 40's with a wife and 3 kids. Married 18 years, together 22. Unknown to me until recently, ADHD has been having a significant impact on my marriage, to the point where my wife and I are nearing separation and it's hard for her to see a way back to reconciliation. I was doing all of the ADHD things for so long without realizing (hyperfocus on work, not prioritizing her needs/wants/load sharing, RSD, saying impulsive hurtful things I didn't realize I was saying/mean to say, executive dysfunction when it came to prioritizing spousal/family/work needs, low frustration tolerance, temper, etc.). I couldn't schedule date nights or get babysitters or plan well enough for birthdays. All of it. Everything was exacerbated by an extended (2 year long) bout of severe depression, high anxiety and just trying to function due to a cancer diagnosis in my wife, job changes, moves across the state, etc. She felt like a roommate with someone who didn't care about her. I, through my hyperfocus on work and other things I thought I was doing well, thought I was a model husband and parent, and was shellshocked when my wife approached me about separating. So, I saw my doctor, went to therapy, went to couples therapy, started medication, started exercising more, started eating better. I feel like all of these things have helped me to function better. I was able to be more of the spouse my wife needed me to be. But when she saw I could do all the things (stay home from work with a sick kid, do all the laundry in the house/clean all the bathrooms/make meals (thanks adderall!) etc., she got even angrier knowing that I "can" do it, but that she wasn't worth me doing it before until she threatened separation. I felt terrible, because I thought I was trying, was working hard, was providing, was showing up, was supporting her. Apparently, it was not in the right spaces. So no she is bitter and angry. I have apologized a lot and have told her how much I regret not knowing what was going on inside my brain and how much I wish I had a time machine to change it, but now that I know and am being treated and am healthier, I can be that person going forward. I gave her the "it's like telling a diabetic to make more insulin" or "it's like telling a person with a broken foot to walk better" analogies, but they don't land, because she still sees so much of what happened as a choice and as her not being worth it before, but it is not that. I love her so much and don't ever want her to feel that way, and I am committed to working on myself, giving her space, continuing treatment and proving to her that it is sustainable, there can be success stories and ADHD/non-ADHD marriages can work. I don't know what else to do. I have stopped trying to convince her or show her the good things we've been through. It all doesn't land and seems like pressure to her.... Not sure where to go from here or what other communication tactics or avenues I am not trying. I think a little more space moving into an apartment temporarily and coparenting) might help, but I don't want to lose her and want to keep our family intact....

How to be Patient

Neuchatel81 — Thu, 14 May 2026 12:39:15 +0000

Forum:

Communication with ADHD

I am bringing my best self in dealing with my husband (trying to be patient, not getting angry, explaining how I feel). He continues to tell me he will “fix” things he does not do, but inevitably he does not do it, apologizes, and then we go through the same thing in a week. My patience is definitely wearing thin. How should I explain to him this is corrosive to our relationship? He keeps telling me he understands, but the changes he said he would make never come. Am I being unrealistic to expect him to be an adult who is responsible for their household obligations? I am just so very tired of having to carry what feels like the “full load” for all the household.

ADHD Adult Experience

cveal — Tue, 12 May 2026 18:07:01 +0000

ADHD & Marriage News - May 12, 2026

Quote of the Week

“Everybody is a genius, but if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid."

- Albert Einstein

ADHD Adult Experience

I’m not even sure I need to write much about this quote because it is so obviously relevant to the ADHD adult’s experience. Find your place of genius, whatever it is, and encourage others to not judge you only on your ability to be on time or finish the next task today.

You’re not stupid, but you do move differently in the world.

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Non ADHD Partner Support Group - (Full) - Join a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship.

Couples Support Group - (Full) - Seven sessions. 5 couples only will work with Internal Family Systems (IFS) master facilitator, Jason Weber, to understand what ‘parts’ of themselves are participating in the parent-child dynamics and learn how to compassionately move away from it.

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How to get my adhd partner to understand me

RJB2026 — Sun, 10 May 2026 22:09:28 +0000

Forum:

Communication with ADHD

My partner has undiagnosed Adhd and I love him very much. For the majority of the time things are good but some things are wearing me down and I don't feel i am being heard nor that any action is taken.

We have been together for nearly 3 years and at the start he was very vocal about his love and how he was desperate to move in and to marry me.

Now that we actually can, he seems to have unilaterally decided that he doesn't want to marry me anymore but no conversation has been had, no reasons provided...nothing. I tried several times to bring this up and discuss what is going on... he assures me that he loved me more than st the start and he is very present in my life but marriage for me is a non negotiable, I am.not prepared to spend years with someone who doesn't see me as marriage material. I want to have a proper conversation so I know what to do but everything it ends in no conversation and RSD triggered as he interprets it as me feeling he doesn't love me enough...how can I get to them bottom of this and actually sort it out? Thank you!

Reward and Punishment/ Mastery

Sun, 10 May 2026 15:54:55 +0000

Forum:

Negotiation and Setting Boundaries

My recent reconnecting with my swim coach again, reminded me a few things plus...learning some new things in the process. I mentioned "method" in a recent post. I didn't mention this at the time but my coach exhibited "Mastery" at his craft. He was a master....fortunately me, my master in that respect.

The term "methodology" is really what we're taking about here : A methodology is a structured, systematic, and consistent set of methods, principles, and procedures used in a specific discipline, research project, or analysis to achieve objectives and ensure validity.

I see a lot a familiar words there in the discussions on this forum. And since ( starting at age 6 ) I had two different sets of methodologies happening simultaneously, even as a 6 year old....I could immediately tell the difference. It was like night and day, it was sooooo obvious!!

Both my parents did discipline me when I didn't adhere to the rules or acted out, either way. And both used different methodologies in their approach. My mom's approach was much softer and less traumatic than my dad. That's doesn't mean her approach was the right one...it just wasn't "the flame thrower" approach...scorched earth, raising the room to the ground. Fear was most definitely the motivator! That was the lesson. Be very afraid! He was a master at pain and fear !

My mom's approach was less threatening but...not very effective. I wasn't afraid of my mom, but her reward and punishment ( decipline ) was.....disconnected ?? I think that's a good description. It didn't connect anything real...to anything that was happening or to what did so that lesson wasn't actually useful. It was a failed lesson in other words. Novice class....amateur standing.

I remember my first grade school teacher...and actually not very well. She was an older lady and looked very "stern"...kind of disgruntled looking all the time, like she was constipated all the time...didn't smile much. She had this thing she did, when kids talked in class ( uh oh....you can almost guess what was coming ) she'd sneak up behind you..and with one hand...she'd grab your neck, pinching it really hard and do the "death shake" on you. You know, like dogs do with a toy...shaking their head violently from side to side to "kill their prey". It's just what dogs do...it's an instinctual thing. Anyway...I just remembered having it done often and it would scare the hell put of you. The death shake part was an added measure just to add insult to injury. And of course it didn't work. Compared to my dad, this woman was child's play. It definitely wasn't traumatic, it didn't really scare me and it didn't hurt much.

And it definitely DID NOT stop me froming talking in class. I spent hours in the hall throughout my grade school experience. I was so use to it...I'd take off and wander the halls exploring...looking in the windows of other classes ( waving at friends ) and it was pretty much a good time...like "extra reccess". Very convenient. As a punishment...it WAS NOT a punishment! Lol But in terms of Mastery and methodology....my first grade teacher was maybe...novice class + 1. Instead of a private...she was a corporal ( punn intended ).

But in a direct comparison between the two major figures in my life at the time...since it was happening simultaneously, I can tell you what I learned and didn't learn from these different methodologies.

In the novice class methodology. I learned pain, fear and disconnected ideas from reality that didn't teach me anything but to be afraid of the punishment. It didn't stop me from doing "the thing" I was being punished for. If I had to grade my own teachers.. they'd get an F. F - ...if that were possible. That even includes my mom but she'd get an A- ...only because she didn't know what she was doing and she was not trained to be a teacher. The minus was for...room for improvement.

And then there's master...who had Mastery of his craft. I already mentioned his other peers and went to him for this very reason. What I learned from him was "self decipline" and to master my own thoughts and feeling ...counter to what the pain and my body was telling me what to do. This is a completely different approach.

Instead of .."discipline" from an external source ( teachers death shaking my neck in an ambush, shock and awe type..approach to get me to stop talking....which was completely worthless ( F- for sure ). He taught "self decipline" and "discipline of the mind" instead. Thats Mastery...Master Class. It doesn't get any better than this. Grade A+++++++++++ He was also a school teacher...I had him for the equivalent of what was at one time called "Civics". Not what they called it but thats kind of what it was. I also got an A in his class. Go figure right ?

What occurred to me just the other day that I never really realized or thought about before. It just never dawned on me until now. I'm not just a swimmer....I was an "Elite Athelete" in my particular discipline. I never considered myself that but in reality. That's what I was. And my coach was an "Elite Athelete" trainer or coach. He was "Elite" himself tho. Because you can't get better than Mastery. There's no place left to go when you've reached the top.

And I will never forget, one of the best lessons he taught me in swimming. Because it wasn't in swimming ...it was in a different area of discipline...which I kind of needed at the time. I know I told this story before, but I'll retell it differently this time.

One of my special talents on the team was as "prankster". I had a thing for playing practical jokes but not everyone was abused. My team mates were, but not so much the parents of my teammates, as I was deemed "a bad influence" in terms of "discipline ". I had Mastery of my craft too! ...and I took it to another level. My finest work...so to speak...was the "honey on the toilet seat " masterpiece. It was flawlessly perfect in every way. I had laid out the honey on that black institutional toilet seat so that...it was a seemless layer of honey, so perfectly laid out that it looked like a glossy new toilet seat with verbally no way you could tell it was not, just a shiny new toilet seat with a gloss finish. I spent considerable time ..spreading it out, feathering it, moving it around so it looked no different than a new finish. I took my time is what I'm saying. This was the pinnacle of practical jokes ....it was Mastery...it was my Masterpiece!!

And because we ( my friends and I ) knew it worked from the disgruntled looks on the faces on a few of the men ...leaving the bathroom....I also new, that one of those men went and complained to the powers that be. So when my coach shows up and says...( not...did one of you do this??) but...Which one of you did this? I had no choice but to raise my hand because....everyone knew ( including him ) which "one" that was. And of course...my work stood alone because...I was a master at my craft and this one...took the cake as they say.

So...instead of disciplining me, punishing me, doing what MOST other novice class teachers would do....he devised his own practical joke to play on me ....which was also Mastery at its finest. He even elicited the help of another well known coach...so the complexity of this joke had just advanced into another level beyond on own. This was just a "title for tat" matching my joke kind of thing. He took my joke and raised me one...which ended up teaching me a very good lesson. Having the other coach...pretend he was one of my victims, and scaring the crap out of me at the time, my coach was sitting outside the room listening and laughing...then, when the prank was over and I was peaking out if the door to see if the coast was clear ...and my coach seeing my face and he erupted in laughter ( along with the other coach erupting in laughter...I couldn't help as I walked away erupting in laughter too. I thought....that was master class...superior to my own!! ( at age 13 ).

What I can say now that I couldn't say then. My coach, was not only a great teacher and coach...but he himself, had a bit of me in him. I'm not speculating here. He was a BIG KID himself which is why he knew exactly what to do. He had to do something ( to manage the disgruntled parents ) but deep down, both those coaches were going...."that was good one". Because it really was! Instead of punishing me, and disciplining me, he got down on my level and one upped me instead. It made me feel for just a moment, how angry someone could be...from sitting on a toilet with honey on it...but immediately letting me get back to the business at hand. Breaking my spirit was not going to produce Elite results in the pool. I still had races to compete in...but that was his deal. He didn't break your spirit...he help you create your own. That's why he was Master. And that's what he did every day.

So in comparison... My spirit was broken at home...then counteracted by my spirit being lifted at the same time by my coach. If anything...his Mastery was a master class in spirit. That's the difference between these two methodologies. One breaks you...the other one repairs what was broken.