ADHD and Marriage

ADHD and Romance Webinar Up Now - in Time for Valentines Day

MelissaOrlov — Fri, 10 Feb 2012 22:42:12 +0000

I gave a one hour webinar for ADDResources.org not too long ago on the topic of "Reigniting Romance in ADHD Relationships" and they have been kind enough to let me link to the recording so you can see it. It's an hour long and one of a whole library of webinars that they offer. If you don't have time to watch, consider putting a reminder into your cell phone (or two, or three!) that will remind you to do something special for

A Challenge to Readers: Are You Validating Your Partner?

MelissaOrlov — Mon, 06 Feb 2012 18:31:37 +0000

Conversations go all wrong when we inadvertently invalidate our partners (or worse, do so on purpose!) Lots of people are confused about what “validating” means – they think it means “agree with” or “empathize with,” neither or which is accurate. So I want to try to clarify what validation is, and why it’s important by sharing some examples.

Dr. Hallowell's Response to “Ritalin Gone Wrong”

cveal — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 21:22:19 +0000

This past Sunday, The New York Times ran an opinion piece by L. Alan Sroufe called Ritalin Gone Wrong. Dr. Hallowell weighed in to counter the tactics and assumptions, stating “the piece pushed emotional hot-buttons in a way that would scare the daylights out of uninformed readers...” Dr. Hallowell offers a much different point of view, one based on his strength-based, whole-person approach to treating ADHD.

Six Steps to Nurturing A True Partnership

cveal — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 20:28:40 +0000

If your marriage is struggling - ADHD research suggests 58% of marriages with at least one ADHD spouse are clinically dysfunctional - there is hope. ADDA has highlighted six steps from the book, The ADHD Effect on Marriage, on how to rebuild your partnership dynamic. To read the post, please go here.

ADHD and Marriage: Should I Record Our Interactions?

MelissaOrlov — Mon, 09 Jan 2012 21:53:32 +0000

There's a really interesting conversation going on in response to my last blog post that has morphed into whether or not a non-ADHD spouse should secretly record conversations to demonstrate to an ADHD spouse that they really are mishearing and mis-remembering things. An ADHD spouse has also suggested that recordings might be a good learning tool for "where things go wrong." Here's what I think:

9 Tips for When Non-ADHD Spouses Just Can’t Cope Anymore

MelissaOrlov — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 20:18:40 +0000

Some days you just don’t have the energy to cope with your partner’s ADHD symptoms any more. What can you do? Here are nine tips to help you survive…

ADHD Meds Unlock Your Potential - A True Story

MelissaOrlov — Sun, 18 Dec 2011 10:54:32 +0000

I often am asked about why a person with ADHD should try meds, and one response I give is that meds can give you the clarity and calmness of mind to finally have a chance to let the talented, interesting person “inside” shine through without interference from ADHD symptoms. Along those lines is the story of Andres Torres, who helped the SF Giants win the World Series in 2010. He struggled and underperformed for years until he finally accepted his diagnosis of ADHD and decided to treat it. After that he went from the minors to win the Series. His story will be told in an upcoming documentary tentatively titled “Gigante.”

ADHD and Marriage: Preparing for the New Year

MelissaOrlov — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 22:21:43 +0000

Okay, I admit I stole this idea, but I will give full credit to Experience Life Magazine staff for writing a bit about why it’s important to think carefully about this year’s successes before setting your New Year’s resolutions (you can read the article here). This is a particularly smart idea for couples who’ve been struggling with ADHD issues for a while. Let me give you my specific thoughts…

ADHD and Organization - What Kind of Coach Might Help?

MelissaOrlov — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 17:26:45 +0000

Does it make sense for you to use a coach to get more organized? If so, how do you find the right coach? Certified Organizer Coach®, Sue West, has written a guest blog post to help you understand the different types of organization coaches, and where you might go to find one who fits your needs.

Excellent New Support Group Resource

MelissaOrlov — Mon, 21 Nov 2011 15:38:53 +0000

Bryan Hutchinson, who wrote a memoir about growing up with ADHD called "One Boy's Struggle" has just released a support group discussion guide with Sharon St.

Are ADHD People Lazy?

MelissaOrlov — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 16:40:16 +0000

Ned Hallowell likes to talk about the "moral diagnosis" of ADHD - the idea that those with ADHD are lazy or ill-willed. The 'moral diagnosis' was what people used to turn to when they didn't know as much about ADHD as we do now. Yet the idea that an ADHD spouse is 'lazy' is amazingly persistent. How to get at that? I've often said that in general, people with ADHD are some of the hardest working folks I know - its just that you can't always see the work because much of it is going on inside them. Their minds are working away, really hard, even as they might come across as "lazy" because they have trouble completing (and sometimes even starting!) tasks. Now researchers confirm that extra effort going on inside the ADHD person's head. MRI studies show that the area of the brain that orchestrate mental activity is more active for adults with ADHD than for those without.

ADHD Effect AudioBook Now Available!

MelissaOrlov — Wed, 09 Nov 2011 15:44:23 +0000

I'm happy to announce that the audiobook version of The ADHD Effect on Marriage is now available for download for the same list price as the paperback ($19.95) Here's to all of you out there who like to listen to your books, rather than read them!

Eight Mini Love Letters to Non-ADHD Spouses

MelissaOrlov — Tue, 08 Nov 2011 16:31:30 +0000

Want to read some love letters? I like to be even handed, so I asked the ADHD spouses in my last couples course to tell me what they love about their non-ADHD spouse. Here is what some said:

How to Stay Consistent With ADHD Treatment

MelissaOrlov — Wed, 19 Oct 2011 13:08:15 +0000

Are you an ADHD partner who has trouble consistently following your treatment? If so, you wouldn't be alone. But not remembering to take your meds has a bigger impact than you might imagine. Here is how one man describes his on again / off again relationship with meds and my thoughts about how to become more consistent while also improving his relationship with his wife:

Part 4 - ADHD Spouses and Their Diligence

MelissaOrlov — Mon, 17 Oct 2011 21:09:24 +0000

I often say that though people are quick to label those with ADHD as “lazy” because they often have trouble following up on commitments, my experience is that almost everyone with whom I come into contact with ADHD is a VERY hard worker. Some of that work (organizing the disorganized mind, for example) goes on inside, and so is hidden from view most of the time. Diligence and a willingness to try, yet again, are traits that some non-ADHD spouses say they love about their ADHD partners:

Part 3 - I Love My ADHD Spouse's Sense of Humor

MelissaOrlov — Mon, 17 Oct 2011 21:05:28 +0000

When you have ADHD in your relationship it’s a great thing to be able to LAUGH! And exactly that’s what a number of non-ADHD spouses say they love about their ADHD partner. Here are some examples:

What We Love Part 2 - The Generosity of Our ADHD Spouses

MelissaOrlov — Mon, 17 Oct 2011 21:04:02 +0000

One of the things I love about my own spouse is his empathy, generosity and warmth. Is this related to his ADHD? I’m not sure, though I do observe that if they don’t have specific anger issues, many of ADHD spouses I work with have very generous spirits. Sometimes they act on that generosity in a way that warms others…sometimes they don’t…which makes them pretty much like the non-ADHD around us. Regardless, generosity of spirit, if you spouse possesses it, is something to celebrate. Here is “what I love about my ADHD spouse

ADHD Awareness Week: Celebrating the Strengths of Those with ADHD

MelissaOrlov — Mon, 17 Oct 2011 14:53:34 +0000

As part of ADHD Awareness Week I’m writing a daily series about what partners say they love about their spouse with ADHD. These are collected from participants in my current couples class, from those at this site, and from my own experience. I hope you’ll join the conversation, or at least spend some time this week showing appreciation for the things you enjoy. (We spend too much time thinking about the things we don’t enjoy!) So, here’s “love letter” #1…

ADHD Spouses: Step By Step Conflict Resolution

MelissaOrlov — Fri, 30 Sep 2011 12:34:16 +0000

Once again, my husband and I are at odds over phones. But how we’ve resolved it this time is illustrative of one good way to get past having legitimately conflicting objectives. The phone issue remains outstanding (for now) but I’m actually happy. Years ago, in our “old relationship”, this situation would have caused a huge amount of conflict and pain. Here’s how we now avoid that…

Keeping ADHD Awareness Week Positive

MelissaOrlov — Mon, 19 Sep 2011 20:54:57 +0000

October 16-22 is ADHD Awareness Week and I would like to post one great thing that you love about your own ADHD or your spouse's ADHD every day that week. Even if you are unhappy with the way your relationship is currently going, there is likely at least ONE positive thing you can come up with! I invite you to post the positives here and, like my mother used to say, "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it!" In any event, we all know that ADHD can be a pain but let's also remember there are some wonderful traits that are easy to fall in love with, too.

P.S. I will also offer tips for couples that week, probably related to the posts.