ADHD and Marriage

Why Knowing (And Accepting) You Have ADHD Matters

MelissaOrlov — Mon, 01 Mar 2010 22:00:01 +0000

When you and your spouse are first exploring whether or not ADHD has been a factor in your marriage it can seem both a relief (finally, a reason that explains so much!) and a bit overwhelming (ADHD seems to be everywhere!) Some with ADHD resist thinking about how much ADHD can impact their relationship because it makes them feel "broken" or lessened. I asked myself the other day - does it matter if you label it ADHD?

Married to Distraction for Valentine's Day?

MelissaOrlov — Fri, 12 Feb 2010 20:18:07 +0000

Married to Distraction: Restoring Intimacy and Strengthening Your Marriage in an Age of Distraction, by Ned and Sue Hallowell, with Melissa Orlov, is being released on March 16th. It's available for pre-order right now, and one of Dr. Hallowell's assistants put together a Valentine you can print out if you wish to order a copy for your Valentine to him or her know you were thinking about them. It's a terrific book (I've read the whole thing) which got a starred review in Publisher's Weekly. Here's a good description from Random House:

Important to Read This - Clinging to Normal Mom

MelissaOrlov — Wed, 10 Feb 2010 21:52:07 +0000

There is a standard "joke" that "on the internet they'll never know you're a dog". As it turns out, we have our very own "dog" on this site. For those of you who have been concerned about a poster named "Clinging to Life" and the histrionic responses of "Normal Mom" I would like to share that sad news that they are the SAME PERSON (also the same person as "Wild Child"). We know this from the log-in/out records for the site. Incontrovertibly, these "three" people are one person, using the same computer. Within minutes of logging out as one identity the user would log back in, from the same computer, under a different user name. Unbelievable!

The Importance of Validation and Seeing Through Each Other's Eyes

MelissaOrlov — Tue, 09 Feb 2010 17:20:22 +0000

Both ADHD and non-ADHD spouses have a tendency to feel as if their own vision of the world is the way that the world really "is" - this feeling is human nature. We have many years on earth, we've learned certain things about how the world works and who we (and others) are in relation to what's around us. So it can be a revelation when we have the courage to step outside of our own view and try to see the world through our partner's eyes. Doing this can be very healing for a couple because in so doing you validate your partner. You don't have to agree with the choices your partner has made, but just acknowledging the validity of your partner's different perspective - that his or her logic is internally consistent and is a legitimate way to see the world - can start you moving in a more positive direction. This may seem basic, but it's amazing how much it gets in the way.

Non-ADHD Experience

MelissaOrlov — Mon, 08 Feb 2010 03:42:28 +0000

I'm editing the section of my book that has to do with developing empathy for your spouse. I found many descriptions on this site about what it feels like to be the ADHD spouse, but have had less luck finding good quotes about the feelings that come with being the non-ADHD spouse. There's lots of "this is what my life is like" and comments about how people do/don't get along with their spouses, but less about their dreams/feelings etc. If you would like to write a paragraph or two about that below I would love to read it, as would the other readers at the site, I expect. Thanks.

Improving Communications through Formal Meetings

arwen — Mon, 11 Jan 2010 01:13:54 +0000

As I've mentioned in a number of my posts, my ADD spouse and I separated several years ago because I just couldn't take dealing with his ADD issues any more. Even though he had been on medication and in counseling for 10 years, there were still many problems, especially in the area of communication. As our marriage disintegrated, the communications got worse. So when we decided we wanted to try to salvage our marriage, my husband's counselor (who also knew me from some joint counseling sessions we had done) suggested that we should try a different approach to communication

ADHD & Marriage: When Doing "Well Enough" Can Help

MelissaOrlov — Sun, 03 Jan 2010 21:52:43 +0000

What happens when an ADHD partner takes responsibility for ADHD issues, but still struggles to make things go smoothly? Here's a good example of the process that couples go through to find a balance that can work for them.

One Reason ADHD Adults Don't See a "Need" to Change

MelissaOrlov — Tue, 29 Dec 2009 17:31:26 +0000

I was reviewing some research recently for the book I'm finishing up and came across an interesting bit of info that provides insight into why so many with ADHD perceive that "nothing is wrong" while their spouses see things differently.

Overcoming Nagging

MelissaOrlov — Tue, 15 Dec 2009 18:14:19 +0000

When you're trying repeatedly to get an ADHD spouse to "respond" to your requests it's hard not to get into nagging mode. But non-ADHD spouses need to avoid chronic nagging patterns if they are to be successful, happy partners. This is much harder than it sounds. It's scary to think back to your past and all of the times that you weren't nagging and things - sometimes really critical things like bill paying and picking up kids and getting jobs - didn't happen. You suppose that if you stop nagging now, those same patterns will emerge (and you are probably right, at least short term).

Dealing with ADD and The Holidays

arwen — Sat, 05 Dec 2009 05:26:36 +0000

At our house, the holiday season has always been a special time of problems as well as joys. The excitement of the holidays, the additional social interactions, the special demands of gift-giving and receiving, and the departure from routine all may be either especially stimulating or especially stressful -- to all of us, but especially to those in our family with ADD. We always want to have a happy, loving, yummy holiday time. Instead, we typically would either end up all yelling at each other, or in tears, by the time the holiday actually arrived.

ADHD Partners - Driving Without Driving Each Other Crazy

MelissaOrlov — Wed, 02 Dec 2009 16:57:31 +0000

It is with some humor that I say that a very sensitive area of conflict for many couples is driving. Most commonly, the conflict centers around the poor driving habits of an ADHD spouse (and why they can't/won't change them) and who is going to drive when. There is more here than meets the eye, though, so I thought I would explore it a bit. If you have conflicts over driving, read on!

Introducing New Guest Blogs

MelissaOrlov — Sun, 29 Nov 2009 22:55:46 +0000

We have started a new area of the site, called "guest blogs" which can be found in the tabs at the top. There are some reader voices here that have been particularly helpful over time and we would like new people to be able to find them easily. Our first guest blogger has gone by the name of Arwen and many of you are familiar with her. I will also move some other guest blog entries (Ari Tuckerman and others) to that area as I find time. Enjoy!

Hallowell Against Use of Marijuana to Treat ADHD

MelissaOrlov — Sun, 29 Nov 2009 16:17:55 +0000

A quote in the New York Times on November 21 misled some people into believing that Dr. Ned Hallowell thinks that using marijuana to treat ADHD is a good idea. Just the opposite, he thinks it is a very bad idea and has said so for many years. Here is his response to those who had questions about this:

Overcoming Anger -- the non-ADD Spouse

arwen — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 03:23:36 +0000

As I've mentioned in many of my posts, I am by nature an impatient, angry person, not at all shy of conflict. I've always felt that there was so much that I needed and wanted to do with my life, and nowhere near enough time to do it. I like people and having a good time, but to enjoy myself and fulfill my life responsibilities, I needed everyday life to move right along. I had a fairly short fuse, and anybody who got in my way or made it more difficult made me mad.

ADHD and Marriage: Changing What Never Changes

MelissaOrlov — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 00:03:16 +0000

One comment I hear over and over again from non-ADHD spouses is their frustration that "we go through the same problems over and over again. Nothing ever seems to change!" There is a reason for this, as well as a way to interrupt this pattern.

Rethinking Aggression and Defense in ADHD Relationships

MelissaOrlov — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 13:28:43 +0000

How to help couples understand the destructiveness and intertwined nature of many of their interactions? I was reading a novel the other day about civil war (an apt analogy for many ADHD marriages!) and came across some ideas that I think can help describe why couples get into negative patterns even when neither one of them wants to.

ADHD Man Posts About His New Life

MelissaOrlov — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 18:09:50 +0000

What does it look like when you effectively treat ADHD and your life starts to turn around? Here I've reprinted a recent post that says so much about the hardships of the ADHD experience and what can happen when things start to change. Thank you, ptc909294, for your contribution.

For Men with ADHD Who Aren't Convinced it Matters

MelissaOrlov — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 17:36:37 +0000

I’m spending quite a bit of time these days thinking about how to get men with ADHD to realize that their ADHD affects those around them more than they think. At least two men I can think of who have ADHD say they wish someone (other than their wives) had “hit them upside the head” with information that would convince them that their ADHD was causing real problems. They could have saved themselves divorce (in both cases), many personal problems and saved their wives a great deal of hurt. So here’s one attempt at doing just that – providi

Wonderful Film on ADHD

MelissaOrlov — Wed, 07 Oct 2009 14:25:07 +0000

The terrific film ADD & Loving It was aired in Canada and briefly available on the web – enough people clamored to see it that it’s been reposted by Global TV at this link. It’s unclear how long it will be available, so I urge you all to go watch it sooner rather than later (it’s 42 minutes long). The program is fast-paced, fun and easy to watch (the host, Patrick McKenna, is a comedian, after all!), but it’s also very informative and well produced

Marriage and Relationship Help for Couples Affected by ADHD

MelissaOrlov — Tue, 22 Sep 2009 19:11:27 +0000

After years of writing about how ADHD affects relationships I am finally offering counsel for couples who want to apply my expertise to their marriage or relationship. Your situation can feel overwhelming and you are seeking help, but many of you say it’s hard to find someone who truly understands the complex dynamics of the ADHD-affected relationship.