Adoption Success Stories

Giving - Adoption

2010-12-22T11:24:00.001-05:00

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Some Gifts of Adoption
By Sherrie Eldridge

Adoption is a wonderful thing! It is true that with it come challenges, but there are so many aspects of being adopted that bring us joy and that we can be thankful for. I am not speaking for all adoptees…these are just some of my own thoughts. Perhaps you will use them as a “springboard” from which to write your own.

The first gift is LIFE…May you always remember the One who created you.
The second gift is BIRTH…May you be grateful for your First Mother who chose to carry you.
The third gift is a NEW NAME… May you rejoice in the fact that your name is written on your parents 'hearts.
The fourth gift is BELONGING…May you recall each day that we belong to each other.
The fifth gift is FAMILY…May your differences remind you that our family is like a beautiful grafted tree that is magnificent to behold.
The sixth gift is STRENGTH…May you continue to grow strong through the challenges you encounter.
The seventh gift is IDENTITY…May you celebrate that you are a wondrous combination of nature and nurture, possessing great potential.
The eighth gift is SECURITY…May you rest assured that you will never be forgotten.
The ninth gift is LOVE…May you realize your parents would have traveled to the ends of the earth to find you.
The tenth gift is ACCEPTANCE…May you understand your acceptance is not based on your performance but on your personhood.
The eleventh gift is GRACE…May you rejoice in being yourself because you are accepted just as you are.
The twelfth gift is TALENT…May you celebrate your differences and share them with your family and the world.
The thirteenth gift is PURPOSE…May you be inspired to discover your unique footprints across the sands of time.
The fourteenth gift is TEARS…May you shed them freely so you can freely laugh.
The fifteenth gift is ADVENTURE…May you accept that if your history is unknown, or sad, you can still have an unshakeable identity.
The sixteenth gift is HUMOR…May your funny bone be tickled when others say dumb things about adoption.
The seventeenth gift is CALLING…May you realize early in life that you were created and adopted for a purpose that no one else in history can fill.
The eighteenth gift is TENDERHEARTEDNESS…May you be willing to weep, for your adoption scars qualify you to be a wounded healer.
The nineteenth gift is COMMUNITY…May you search out the blessing of friendships with fellow adoptees.
The twentieth gift of adoption is ABUNDANCE…May you experience the full, abundant life the Lord planned for you every single day of your life.

Thank you Kim for sharing this with us!

Can you believe???

2010-08-23T07:00:00.000-04:00

Originally posted by Adeye

That this is the same child we brought home from the Ukraine just ten weeks ago?

In less than three months she has gone from a malnourished little five year old who weighed only sixteen pounds, could hardly sit up on her own, could not eat solid food, cried constantly, scratched the back of ears until they were raw, rocked back and forth to comfort herself, made strange sounds, was constantly overwhelmed, was afraid of everything, hated loud noises, chewed her fingers until they were calloused, had terrible reflux, ground her teeth to stumps...

to this...

A beautiful little girl who is thriving, growing, learning, blossoming and becoming all that God has created her to be.

Is anything impossible for the Lord?

Is there not hope for every single child?

Adoption changes lives!

Celebrating Imperfections

2010-08-16T07:00:00.000-04:00

Originally Posted by Adeye

There are so many things about living in our modern day culture that drive me crazy. Okay, so some things I just darn well hate. One of those things is how we feel the need to "fix" everything. If it's broken, just fix it. Most of the time we "fix" something by going out and buying a new one. Easy! Boy how things have changed from a hundred years ago when people actually made do with less-than-perfect things. These days we're all about perfection. We're all about living in debt to support our perfect lifestyle. Our homes must be perfect, our cars need to be upgraded constantly, we're bombarded with never ending ways we can perfect the way we look...everything must be picture perfect.

And sadly, so must our children.

Even our children with special needs.

It drives me nuts. When did we ever become a society who cared more about what our children are instead of who they are?

Everywhere I go it's the same old same old--therapists and people in the know recommending ten thousand therapies (both old and new) that "are sure to get your child functioning like a normal child." Are you kidding me? Everyone wants to "fix" my children--not today, certainly not tomorrow, but like yesterday. Don't get me wrong, I know that they mean well. But why the urgency? What's the rush?
You know what? I don't care about that stuff. I don't. We never set out to adopt four children with special needs so that we could try our darndest to make them perfect as soon as their little feet hit American soil. We don't even want to "fix" them. It's not going to happen.

Maybe we just see things differently around here. At least these days we do. We have changed so much since adopting our first daughter with significant needs. Haven joined our family twenty months ago as a frightened child who cowered away in every corner out of fear of being beaten. She was terrified of anything and everything that moved. Naturally we wanted to help her. The advice? Put her in a public school with thirty kindergartners and let her "immerse" herself in the language and the culture. Give her a place where she can have every therapy under heaven and earth to help her catch up with her peers.

Being the dumb parents that we were at the time--we went against our gut instinct and took their advice. Bad move! Haven regressed something awful. She could not deal with thirty little children who were loud and wild. She did not trust the many therapists who tried to help her. Trust for Haven is huge. She totally went backwards. We ended up having to put her in diapers (she was 8 years old). It was a complete disaster.

We seriously went back to the drawing board and had to rethink things. We went back to what we knew all along--Haven needed a safe place. She needed her family. That's it! She did not need every therapy forced upon her. She did not need thirty other children to help her adjust to her new life. No, she needed only us, her family. We went back and told the people who were assigned to help her, "Thanks, but no thanks, this is so not going to work for our daughter in this season of her life."

A major lesson for us.

My oh my do we see things differently these day. We've eased up on trying to find solutions to help Haven speak. We do what we can to help her, and leave the rest in the very capable hands of her God who adores her. Heck, if she finds her words someday, great. If not, great. Why should we put pressure on her to speak? She communicates with us just fine. We know her needs without her even having to say a single solitary word. Why should we compare her to other nine year olds and expect her to reach the same milestones? That is an unfair expectation to place on her. Haven is Haven--she is uniquely and beautifully created in the image of an Almighty God. We have learned to go at Haven's pace--not ours!

So it is with Hailee and Harper. I promised them here that I would never push them beyond what they are capable of, and I meant it. Of course we will ensure that they do get the therapy that will help them learn new things--but anything above and beyond what is absolutely necessary can just wait for now. They have only been home for three months for goodness sakes. We know they'll catch up in due time. Right now all they really need is us, their family--so much more than they need to be carted and carried around to the things that everyone suggests I try to help them catch up. There has to be a balance with this stuff.

As far as we're concerned they're perfect just the way they are. Whether they start to walk or speak in six months, one year, or even two years is just a big whatever to us. We celebrate them just the way they are. We know that they will learn and grow because that's what children do when they are loved and cherished--they cannot help it. They soak it up like a sponge.

Yes, we will absolutely ensure that our children get the best of help available. But truthfully, most of it can wait for now. I don't care that Betty Sue's one year old son who has Down syndrome is already walking. And so what if Susie's two year old can recite the first ten letters of the alphabet. I will never compare my children to anyone elses, that just lines them up for failure. These three blessings of ours have spent the first years of their lives locked up in awful orphanages. They have endured more than my heart can stand. Right now the most important thing we can do for them is shower them with love and care and catch up on so many missed years of cuddles and kisses. That's what matters most. Home and family are the best therapy they could ever have in this season of their lives. The rest can wait.
Celebrating and embracing imperfection in a world obsessed with perfection.

Adeye thank you for this encouraging post and I say AMEN! AMEN! AMEN!

Do You See This Joy?

2010-08-13T07:00:00.000-04:00

Originally Posted by Tami

Creative parenting......

Not a cookie cutter factory....

Out of the box thinking......

Often exhausting....

These are just some of the descriptives that come to mind in my parenting journey, especially with little J. I have learned so much from him in these past 22 months since he joined our family.

Look at the joy we are beginning to see on a daily (usually) basis.

He is learning, slowly, but HE IS learning the following:

Mommy is the boss and he doesn't need to be.

I will keep him safe.

I will make the choices.

Naps and bedtime happen everyday at the same time.....no matter what.

Life does not revolve around Veggie Tales.

When you whine you don't get what you want, ever.

"Dah Momma" is a very good thing the say! That is how he says "Yes Mom"!

And lastly, but most importantly, He is LOVED unconditionally, no matter what.

I have consistently been amazed at the amount of damage/insecurity/behavioral issues early neglect and abuse will do to a child. I am so grateful J. came to us at 7 months and not later in life.

Enjoy reading Tami’s blog and seeing just how far her son and family have come since 2008!

Sharing My Heart

2010-04-30T22:59:00.001-04:00

Originally Posted on No Greater Joy Mom

Something has happened in my heart recently. I arrived home last weekend and probably for the first time did I really see change. Change in one of our adopted children. Change that has always been there, but that I just did not truly see. Change that takes my breath away.

Sweet Haven.

We adopted Haven in 2008. You can read about it here. Haven was adopted before, but for whatever reasons they had, the family chose not to complete the adoption. She had a family for five days, and was then returned to the orphanage. When we found Haven through our agency, she had just a few days left to find a family. She had waited for three years, and China had decided that her time was up. Haven had been labeled "autistic," "non-verbal," "severely delayed," and "mentally ill." She came with a long list of special needs.

I so clearly remember the morning of our gotcha day. Anthony and I were sitting and having breakfast. We were due to leave for the civil affairs office in just an hour. We turned to each other and said, "So, I guess our lives are about to be changed forever today." We had absolutely no idea what we were getting ourselves into. The child we had been told about was not going to be one of those easy-peasy adoption stories that you read about on blogs and in adoption magazines. The only thing we were sure of was that we were doing what the Lord told us to do--and we would leave every care, ever fear, every doubt, and every fleshly desire that wanted to run out of that building and go back to our little comfortable life to the Almighty Father.

An hour later we met our sweet daughter, our "Haven" as the Lord had named her. The one who would need a "safe and sheltered place." We walked into that civil affairs office in Nanjing, China, and my heart almost stopped. She was already there, waiting for us, clinging to the nanny who brought her. My first thought was, "She's severely delayed, her brain is not working properly." Haven stood there, her eyes half shut, staring off at nothing, her mouth hanging open, she looked like she was just not even there...only in body.

My heart broke. I vacillated between wanting to leg it out of that building and run as far away as I could, and just wanting to go and hold her in my arms, reassuring her that everything was going to be okay. I was t-e-r-r-i-f-i-e-d. We made our way toward the little girl dressed in pink. She was so afraid of white people--they represented abandonment to this sweet angel. We took things very slowly, gaining her trust at her pace.

Haven was nothing anyone said she was! Delayed? Absolutely. Non-verbal? Yes. But we knew that she was not autistic. We knew that the diagnosis was just a bunch of hogwash. We knew that hidden behind the frightened little girl who was to become our daughter was a treasure just waiting to be found. Just a month before her eighth birthday, the angel we were given that day was more like a one year old. She was unable to take her clothes off, brush her teeth, eat with a spoon, or use the potty. We were adopting a virtual toddler.

And so it began. The road to teaching Haven new things. The road toward healing. The little angel was locked away in a room for the last two years of her life, isolated from everyone because orphanage staff were afraid to "catch" what she had if they touched her (autism, becoming non-verbal). Life for Haven was about to change.
It struck me this week--the change in Haven's life has been nothing short of miraculous. I have looked at my sweet little girl after being away from home for a while, and something has struck me over and over again. Haven has hope! It's not that I did not know it before, because I did, but this time it's different.

I see in Haven what every single child waiting deserves. Hope!
The opportunity to learn and grow. The right to belong to a family. The right to have a mom and a dad, no matter what is 'wrong' with them. The right to have a God-given name--not just a random orphanage name. Whether they're babies, toddlers, big kids, children with needs, or teenagers...they all have the right to a family.

I see in Haven the potential that is in every single child, and I'm seeing it with fresh eyes after spending weeks and weeks with children on the other side of the world who are treasures just waiting to be found. Riches stored in secret places.

THERE IS NO HOPE FOR ANY CHILD IN AN ORPHANAGE!

Nothing. Zero. Zip.

Haven would absolutely have ended up in a mental institution for disabled adults. What kind of hope is that? What kind of life is that for any human being?
Adoption is their ONLY HOPE! And in most countries, foreign adoption is their only hope. There is a less than zero percent chance that either Haven, Hannah-Claire, Hailee or Harper would be adopted by a local family. They have no value in their own country. They have absolutely no worth in their society. They are are defined by their 'special needs' in their countries. Their only hope is for a foreign family to come and rescue them. Period.

I recently spent a few weeks at my daughters orphanage in the Ukraine. There was a group of volunteers there at the same time--a Danish high school group. They were working hard--cleaning the yard, loving on babies, playing with the older children. It warmed my heart to watch them serving in that place. I inquired about whether any "church groups" had ever been there. "No" was my answer. Gosh, that saddened me. I wish that there were more of a way to mobilize God's body to help the 147 million orphans in the world.

I read Francis Chan's book, Crazy Love. I bet many of you have read it too. With tears streaming down my face I agreed with every word he wrote. I too believe that the church is in jeopardy of becoming lukewarm. I too believe that faith without works is useless. I too believe that we have become so wrapped up in other things that really do not matter. I too believe that we have forgotten about the things that really do matter to the Father.

The orphan crisis can no longer be everyone else's problem. We're the Christians, we're the ones who are commanded to care for them. There has to be a way for the church to become more active in finding solutions to the ever-growing problem.
Anthony and I still do not have it all figured out, friends. We are so far from getting it right. And every day I feel like we still have such a far way to go with understanding the heart of the Father in all this. Like most of you, we're longing to see more children come home, more families commit to adoption, and more churches get involved in orphan ministries. The need is truly overwhelming.

I long, with everything that is within me, to see more Christians go. I long for more people to experience the blessing of adoption. Some days I want to shout it from the rooftops. Other days I just weep. I know there are so many ministries doing amazing things to create an awareness of the orphan crisis, but I so wish the progress didn't have to be so slow.

The arguments we hear, well, they just get a little tiring after a while.
I'd be rich for every time I heard, "Children should grow up in their own culture." What? Are you kidding me? A child is better off in a mental asylum than in a family? Give me a break.

"We're too old." Really? My hubby is 52 and is adopting a two year old. Rather an old dad than no dad.

"We're just not called to adopt." Just go ask God and see what He says. You may be surprised.

"It costs too much." Yep, we didn't exactly have over $30,000 lying around either--but God did!

"Life is so busy with our two children." Yeah, I also thought life was busy when I had two. Now I have almost seven, and the busyness has not changed, but the blessedness certainly has.

"I just could never do that." Give it a try, I say. Anything we do without the Lord is impossible anyway. I guess that's why He tells us in His Word that ALL things are possible with Him.

Our hearts are longing to know what it fully means to "deny ourselves, take up our cross and follow Him" (Matt 16:24). We have such a long way to go. I don't think we have even touched the tip of the iceberg in understanding what it truly means to deny ourselves. It's hard to deny the flesh. It's hard to give up things that we hold on to. It's hard to give up dreams that we thought are so important.

I am so thankful that God sent us to adopt Haven, a child who, in every way, was written off as being "unadoptable." Through this treasure I am beginning to understand what the word HOPE means to every child. Through my daughter I am learning that every child has potential. Every child needs a family. Every child has a right to a family.

I love a quote that Chan used in his book.

"Our greatest fear as individuals and as a church should not be of failure but of succeeding at things in life that really don't matter."
Tim Kizziar

For me, I pray that I never get wrapped up in the things in this life that truly do not matter.

Adeye

I pray you share this post with all of your adoption friends, family and church! This is a powerful truth needing to be heard!

Somebody else’s problem

2010-04-26T07:37:00.000-04:00

Originally Posted by Building the Blocks

Aleigha was our first adopted child and because it was our first adoption experience I admit I was taken back and not quite prepared for the 'comments' that would come our way.

Some, more than others, were down right rude.

Some, more than others, cut us to the core.

Some, more than others, kept us lying awake at night- as much as we tried to ignore them.

We got every question and comment from "Were we completely crazy?' to “How dark will she be?” to "Don't you know that this is going to hurt your 'real' children"… to "Don't you already have enough children" to "Aren't you scared because you don't know any of her family history?" to “You are just taking on someone else’s problem".

Ouch.

As we dealt with and worked through the painful comments one by one-a funny thing happened. Our faith and our confidence grew and we became even stronger. While no one expect this (even us) we became more certain than ever before that adoption was indeed for us. We developed friendships with other adoptive families that were priceless and we learned more than we ever thought possible.
We learned the truth.

These questions and comments ended up actually being good for us...

They made us dig deeper, they made us think harder.

They made us turn to God and see what He had to say about adoption.

They made us see that these ridiculously rude personal questions were exactly why so many children continue to wait...

Because people let fear keep them from taking that first step... and they miss out on so very, very much because of it.

Satan loves that.

I am so thankful that we didn't let the lies hold us back. I am so thankful that we didn't let the fears keep us from moving forth. I am so thankful that we didn't let other peoples comments and opinions paralyze us.

I am so thankful that we said yes.

So today I would like to take a moment to introduce you to our "problem child" Aleigha. :0)

Aleigha (pronounced A-Lee-a) is 6 years old and was adopted from Guatemala.
Tomorrow night Aleigha will be standing in front of the school board and be presented with an award for being the Outstanding Kindergarten student this 9 weeks- out of 6 kindergarten classes.

Her teacher reported that Aleigha is a leader in her class, a wonderful example to her classmates and is kind and accepting to all kinds of children. She was asked to test for the gifted and talented program this year and is involved in church and soccer. She is a wonderful little sister and big sister. She has tons of friends, is happy, outgoing, kind, caring, loving, and continuously makes our life all the more sweeter.

But you want to know something?
While all of that is great-none of that effects how much we love her.
We didn't go into her adoption expecting a 'perfect' child- because we sure aren't.
We chose not to put conditions on our love for her from the very beginning.
We chose to love her the way Christ loves us- unconditionally.
We chose to love her just the way God made her.
Love her just the way she is.

Our love for her is not determined by the color of her skin, the grades on her report card, on her looks, her popularity, her talents- or on any problems she may face.

We simple love her because she is our daughter.

Because being her parents is one of the most precious, amazing, perfect gift we have been given.

She will make mistakes, she will fail, and she will fall. We all do.

But you know what?
We will be there to pick her up and it won't be a problem.
It will be a privilege.

Through the good and the bad, through the highs and the lows- she is a gift- and it is our privilege to be her mom and dad.

Period.

Choosing Love

2010-04-19T07:00:00.000-04:00

Originally posted by Storing Up Treasures

"Life without love is like a tree
without blossom and fruit."
~Khalil Gibran

I get loads of e-mails asking me for advice in parenting hurt children. Children that have experienced loss, grief, or abuse in their life can be challenging to parent.

Trust me. I know.

But, it is not impossible.

I have read so many books, articles, and blogs with this theory or that theory. There are dozens of resources on attachment parenting. I have taken a little bit from many different theories. Frankly, I haven't found one yet that I agree with 100%. Some say you can't give consequences to a child with attachment issues. Some say you can, but they have to be "natural' consequences. Some theories state that you need to teach them "tough love" and yet others say that you need to "baby" them through the various stages before they can ever heal. Some things have worked for us and some of it didn't seem to help at all.

What do you do when you are faced with parenting a child and nothing seems to work? What do you do when you have tried all of the methods and in the end the child remains the same?

I could give you an entire books worth of thoughts, ideas, suggestions. But, in the end it comes down to one very simple thing.

Your child is testing you.

They want to know if you are going to love them no matter what. And the closer you get to them, the more they are going to test. In fact they are going to go all out to push you as far away as possible. And when you aren't looking, they are going to look back over their little shoulder to see if you are still there, still willing to love them.

They want to know if you are in it for the long haul. They want to know if you can take what they have to dish out. And they are going to give it to you until they know for sure that you weren't kidding when you told them this was forever.

They are testing you.

Are you going to pass?

Probably right now you are thinking No way! Because you have tried everything you can think of and this kid is still running you over. You have tried time outs and time ins. You have done strong sitting, holding therapy, co-sleeping. You have taken everything away. You made them earn it all back. Only for them get it all taken away again. You have prayed over them and for them until you have nothing left to pray. And still your child is repeating the same behaviors over and over and over again.

So what do you do?
Well, you could do what I do.

Sing in my loudest, most obnoxious opera voice at the very top of my lungs, declaring my love for my persistent child.

Sounds a little crazy right?
It is.

It is so crazy that it will actually bring your little hurting one to tears.

I have sang my "love song" in Walmart. I have sang it in parking lots, at the beach, in the car. I have embarrassed myself more times then I care to count. One time I got down on one knee and belted out my profession of love in a park. One older gentlemen walking by said "Now that is LOVE."

Now, I know what you are thinking. Really Courtney ? That is your advice?

YUP. That is my advice. At least for today.

Throw out the books. Forget what the professionals are saying. Don't worry about consequences. They will be there tomorrow.
Just sing your little lungs out for all to hear.

Your child needs to know you love them no matter what. They need to know that whatever they fling at you, whatever shenanigans they are going to pull, that you LOVE them.

You love them enough to embarrass yourself. You love them enough to not care what everyone else thinks. You love them enough to look them straight in the eye and belt it out for the world to witness.

I started doing this when one of my children couldn't stop lying to me. It was like all that her mouth could produce was lies. She lied about everything and nothing. She lied about nonsense. She lied just to lie.

We tried everything. We took things away. We took privileges away. We made her sit in corners. We made her sit on her bed. We tried ignoring her lying. We tried lying back to her. We tried and tried and tried.

And then one day after she told some silly lie that I knew was obviously not true, I belted out at the top of my lungs....
" I LOOOOOOOOVE YOU. I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU. NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO I WILL LOVE YOU. I WILL LOVE YOU EVEN IF YOU LIE TO ME EVERY DAY FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!"

I sang it loud. I sang it off key. I sang it with such passion that my little girl was reduced to tears.

I didn't say anything else. I didn't give her a punishment. I didn't tell her she was wrong. I just walked away.

Singing to her not only shocked her, but it sent her heart a message.

I LOVE YOU.

And that my friend's is how we pass the test.

Sure she lied to me the next day. And the day after that and pretty much everyday for a few weeks. And every time she did I would break out into song.

By the second week of singing she would cover her face, and say "NO!!! No more singing". Sometimes she would run and hide. I would just sing louder. After doing it at home for a while, I got brave and started doing it in public.

The amazing part about doing this is that the singing was sending me a message too. It helped me diffuse my anger. It helped me refocus. It made me feel silly instead of mad. And it reminded me that I do LOVE this child. In fact I LOVE this child so much I am willing to do whatever it takes to get through to her.
Even if it means making a complete an total idiot out of myself.

After three weeks of singing, low and behold, my child got tired of it. She decided that lying wasn't worth enduring my songs. She also realized that she really couldn't drive me to anger anymore. All of the sudden it wasn't so much fun to try and get me mad. Her game wasn't working. And she could see that I was passing the test.
Now, I realize this example may not work for every child or every behavior. But the principle behind it will.

LOVE.

Your child is testing your love. They need to know that no matter what, you LOVE them. And sometimes we have to go to great lengths for them to believe it.
Scripture tells us "Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails." {1 Corinthian 13:7-9}

The thing that stands out to me in this scripture is that love is not provoked.
When we allow our children's behavior to provoke us to anger, that is not LOVE.
And when we react in anger, our child gains nothing. They shut down. They test more. The message they receive is they don't really love me.

A healthy child will be able to make the distinction when we become angry. A healthy child doesn't question your love. A hurting child who has never felt loved will only retreat to a place of pain and rejection. Your anger sends them right back to their shell. And often that is what feels safe to them. They feel safe in that pain and rejection because it's all they have ever known. So the cycle repeats.

When the child exhibits X behavior , Mom reacts with anger. Resulting in the child feeling rejected and unloved, which is what they have always known and in turn feels familiar and safe. Child realizes that by continuing with this behavior, they will always get this reaction, therefore they never have to face being close to you. They never have to attach. They never have to feel love.

For the hurting child, love is SCARY.

It is unfamiliar. It is something they don't fully understand. And allowing love in creates fear that in the end you will only hurt them or leave them like everyone else has done.

There is too much risk in letting love in. So, it is easier to keep everyone away. It is easier to push the people closest to them away. It is easier to stay where it is familiar.

Pain is familiar to the hurting child.

So when you shout, spank, react in anger, you are actually just giving the child what they want. And this is why they will keep doing the same things over and over and over, despite every consequence you dole out, despite every privilege or loss of possession, your child will persist. Because they like it there. They like what is familiar and feels safe and then they never, ever have to face that big 'ol scary thing called LOVE.

"Let all that you do be done with love." (1 Corinthians 16:14)
"Therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, put on tender mercies, kindness, humility, meekness, longsuffering; bearing with one another, and forgiving one another, if anyone has a complaint against another; even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do. But above all these things put on love, which is the bond of perfection." (Colossians 3:12-14)
And above all things have fervent love for one another, for "love will cover a multitude of sins." (1 Peter 4:8-9)

"Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers a multitude of sins" (Proverbs 10:12)

Were these verses intended for everyone else except our children?
No, of course not.

God wants us in all circumstances to choose love. This includes our children.
Especially, our hurting children.

Do you know what my daughter says now about all of that singing? She tells me {while giggling} " I can't believe you loved me that much to sing in that crazy voice to me, even after all of the bad stuff I did. "

She doesn't remember me being angry, screaming at her.

She remembers that through it all, I LOVED her.

I have a lot more to say about this. More practical ways to show love without having to sing opera. I will share more in the near future. So stay tuned.

“Now that my friends is wisdom lived out! This is awesome parenting advice for all children! Take heed and start singing! I’ll be singing with you too! This is exactly what I should have been doing for the last three years instead of walking around disappointed in me and them. When the going gets tough – call out to God and start praising Him and telling them of His love and yours that lasts forever’n ever’n always! Thanks Courtney for such wise words! I’m excited to hear what you have to share next!” Jill

One on One

2010-04-16T11:28:00.000-04:00

Originally posted by Stepping Heavenward

I think one of the most challenging things with older child adoption is that when your child comes home you don't really know them. When you parent a child from birth you know them so well. You can look at them or hear their voice and know what they are feeling or thinking.

When a child comes into your family at an older age this takes a little bit of time. In the early days I spent so much time and energy wondering if they were really o.k. I wondered what they thought and if they were happy or scared.

I have heard older child adoption likened to a dance. It really is. Sometimes you glide flawlessly across the floor and other times you inadvertently step on each other's toes. It takes time and grace to learn this dance.

The past two years have been such a blessing getting to know our Ghanaian sons. They are as different as day and night, yet each completely wonderful.

I never have to wonder with Joel if he needs some loving. He is always snuggled by my side and loves to talk and share with me. Eben is quieter about his needs., I have found that if I don't pay close attention I can easily miss it. Eben loves to do things with me. Those who visit with us know how he loves to work beside me in the kitchen. He is now a better cook than I am and 20 times more on the ball. Still it's our thing. I have found when we are cooking away he opens up and talks and asks me questions. It really is a precious time.

Today was a busy day for us and as I cooked breakfast and lunch while he was busy with school. He and our eldest son made dinner while I had some errands to complete before the weekend. By the time I made it into the kitchen dinner was almost done. I took one look at Eben and sensed something was wrong but he insisted he was "Fine."

Over the course of dinner he wondered several times how I was going to play basketball in a skirt.. I had to smile as we had played basketball last Friday night and obviously it was going to be a tradition. After dinner we had a group game of b-ball (I did change out of my skirt). It was fun. My team got beaten badly. Eben's team won..As we were cleaning up to head inside he made the off handed remark that "he was the best."

Well, that's all it took and the gauntlet was thrown. We spent the next hour in a fierce game of one on one. It had long grown dark and the score was tied when we decided we were sweaty enough and out of breath enough to call it even.

As we headed inside Eben said, "Mama, you know I was joking about being the best." I knew he was and he knew just how to get me for some "one on one" He had studied *me* well enough to know that I can't resist a challenge.

God has truly blessed our lives and family through all of our children.

Aliya’s Wonderful Transition

2010-04-15T20:07:00.001-04:00

Originally posted by If You Truly Believe

Before Aliya came home, I was really prepared for a challenge. I mean, how could she not be challenging...she's 14, she's changing cultures and everything she has ever known is changing, she is starting a new school with hard curriculum and all in English to boot, she must learn to live within a family-all of whom she doesn't know, she's losing all her friends...see what I mean? People always think, "She's gaining so much-a loving family, a warm bed, schooling" and all that is true but from her perspective, she's lost a great deal.

I expected a lot of crying, tantrums, sassiness, disrespect, hoarding food and her wanting to be alone in her room.
We were prepared for this.

I read about adoptive families having these challenges all the time, especially when they've adopted an older child. My heart breaks for them and when I read about them, I say a prayer for them to have the strength and stamina to persevere. These kids are worth it and deserving of parents who will go the extra mile (or a million miles in some case). I have so much respect for parents who are going through these difficult times with their kids.

That's why I stand in awe of Aliya. We expected all of these things, not because we're fatalists but because we're realists. But we haven't seen ANY of these things with her. And we can take NO credit for this...it's all God. It's nothing we've done.

When I wake her up every morning for school, she is happy. She gets right up (even though she's not an early morning person) and comes down for breakfast. She gets dressed, brushes her teeth, I do her hair, hug her goodbye and Blaine drops her off at school. I pick her up from school and she always greets me with, "Hi Mom!" I ask her if she's had a good day and she always tells me, "Yes." Then she tells me about her day and we usually have some laughs and I find out how much homework she has for the night.

She always looks forward to Katie coming home from school! She loves her so much.
That's our days and our evenings vary but always include eating dinner together, working on her homework...if it's math, it's Dad, everything else is me.
She LOVES her dad. She doesn't hesitate hugging him. She loves him to laugh with her. She trusts him... I can see that.

Aliya has a great sense of humor and she's funny everyday.

Yesterday, when I picked her up from school she told me that she got her science test back and that she got 13 wrong out of 42, I think. I was shocked! I asked her if she did it all by herself. She said that she did.

"With NO help??"

"The teacher read it to me but didn't tell me the answers."

This test was on 'protists'. What the heck is that? I don't even know.
My 14 year old daughter, who only learned speaking English just over a year ago and has only been in America just over 8 weeks and who is in 7th grade got a 71% on her science test...all by herself. We didn't even study for it...I didn't know it was coming! How did she do this?? I saw the test. She did do it.

All I can say is she is incredibly observant and a great listener. She picked this all up in class!

She wasn't happy with this grade. At the Layla school (her orphanage school), she got "better grades than that!" That's her new word for now, "BETTER." She uses it all the time! When she says it, it sounds like, "Baaayder." Blaine teases her about that and she laughs and loves it!

Oh, my goodness...this girl! We reassured her that this was excellent and then I think she realized just what she'd accomplished. We are so proud of her!
I don't know why we've had such an easy transition with Aliya. Maybe God thinks we've already gone through enough challenges for now.

Please be encouraged if you are considering adopting an older child. I always say, "Be prepared for a challenging transition" but you don't necessarily have to expect it:)
I can honestly say that it seems like she's been with us forever (other than language issues). She is THE perfect fit for our family and having her join our family has been an absolute breeze. Piece of cake. One of the most enjoyable experiences of our lives.

And I think hers, too!

Blessings,
Laura

Thinking on "Paper"

2010-02-24T21:49:00.000-05:00

Originally Posted by We Are Family

Just so you know.... Our family is NOT perfect. We do not think we have it all together. We serve a merciful savior. We are saved by HIS grace. We are thankful.

Some of you who read this will "get it", others will not and that's ok. Listen, we were called by God to add to our family by way of adoption. We KNOW that God designed our family. We know that whether our children came to us by by birth or adoption that HE meant for them to be "here"......

I was thinking this morning in my quiet time. When we set out on this adoption journey, I thought I knew what to expect...HA! I had no idea. When we were gathering our documents for our dossier in 2006, I had "fantasies" in my mind about flying home on an airplane with a newborn in my arms....HA! I thought I knew how I would react when I saw what I saw in Guatemala, be it the first time or the eighth time....God is FOREVER changing me, molding our family into HIS image. I often think I know where he is taking us....HA! Never in a million years did I think it would take until Dec of 2008 to get Alejandra home. Never did I think adoption would completely shut down in the middle of our process. I still can't comprehend all of the divine happenings that took place to bring HIS child home to our family. He is so faithful.

Now one would think that when Alejandra came home that all would fall into place and the days would be shiny and bright ....Yes, we had MANY days like that. But I want to be very transparent with you today. That there was an adjustment period. A period where our older kids weren't so sure the adoption thing was all it was cracked up to be....ANYTIME you bring another human being into your home there is an adjustment. Even if you waited and prepared for their arrival for almost 2 years. Even if you love that person with all of your heart. Even if you know God placed them there......I had times where I felt I had no support, There were times when I would cry just out of pure exhaustion......There were times when the emotion of the prior 2 years would come flooding out uncontrollably. the Joy of having her home and the pain of what it took to get her here would collide in a way that is unexplainable....there were times where I just needed to go to the bathroom with out being bothered. Those are the days where I knew God was there. Because these times were short lived. I had wisdom beyond my experiences and love beyond anything I could comprehend. So with all of that said....

Looking forward to when Dinqee and Henock get to come home.....I'm getting "prayed up" God has a plan and I know there will be adjustments to make on every ones part....As we all know that there are no perfect people. We all have "issues" and my beautiful children (all of them) have issues and real pain. Certain events or experiences shape who we are. God uses these things in our life for his glory. We are adopting two children that have faced more pain in there little lives than few can imagine. God has clearly had his hand on these two from even before they were born. I am excited to see what God's plan for their lives will be. Lord willing! I cannot wait to move through this process again bringing these two precious human beings into our family. The Lord is so good, he is so faithful. He gives us strength to endure, he desires to give us beyond what we can ask or think....

God's plan has worked PERFECTLY for our family. Our 3 at home are well adjusted and HAPPY. They love and respect each other, they "fight" like "normal" brother and sisters. I am so thankful for the "rough" times, the adjustments we have made and Gods plan that has become reality in our home. And by the way....they love the idea of this adoption "thing".

The visions and dreams that God has placed in my heart are exciting to me. I look forward to the day I can post that we have a court date. It is coming. He is faithful.

ISAIAH 40:13 "but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."

Thank you Jennifer for sharing such a beautiful example of God's grace and His perfect design for your family!

Derek Loux Redemption

2009-12-29T15:21:00.001-05:00

Derek Loux wrote this during his adoption of three special needs boys from the Ukraine. (Remember that we began to pray for Derek's family two days before Christmas when he was killed in a car accident right before Christmas?) I shared with my prayer group these thoughts about Derek - HE WAS USED UP - LIVED UP - SERVED UP - LAUGHED UP - PRAISED UP - ALL FOR GOD's GLORY! And his life is not complete at all - what he left behind will live on for generations!

Love - Jill
Who still cries reading any word Derek wrote or listening to a word he spoke - because his obedience and trust in God MOVES ME!

He wrote this about four months ago...

Renee and I are sitting in the office of a telephone company in Novagrad Valenski, Ukraine; using wireless internet. We are in the middle of adopting three special needs boys from an orphanage here. Two of the boys have Down Syndrome. Roman is high functioning, energetic, and happy; Dimitri has serious mental retardation, failure to thrive, and though he is five years old, he is the size of a 1 yr old. He has sores on his face, a distinct smell of death on him, and yells out if we try to do anything with him other than hold him. Because he has less ability to respond and learn, he naturally gets less attention and care from the orphanage workers in this world of limited resources. The harsh reality of the "survival of the fittest" principle is a life and death struggle that this little boy is losing fast. Our third boy Sasha, is a brilliant six year old who has Spina Bifida (the condition our son Josiah died from in 1996). He is like a learning sponge that can't get enough! He is happy and alert and thirsty for knowledge and experience. So with two of our boys we get an immediate return on any investment we make. With Dimitri, there's not much immediate gratification. In fact, it's unknown when and if there will be a return at all. This is the kind of situation that makes the carnal, fallen, human reasoning think, "Why try? What's the point? What will this produce? What good will this do? Why not select a boy who has more "potential"? This looks like a lost cause".

Two days ago we drove for hours into the Ukrainian countryside to the village where Dimitri was born. We met with officials there and signed papers and answered their questions. We also went and saw Dimitri's house. The day had been long, we were still recovering from jet lag, I was beginning to really miss my six daughters at home and all the familiar things our fragile human hearts entangle themselves with in feeble attempts to feel secure. Sitting in the dark on our very long drive back to Novograd that night, the Holy Spirit began to whisper to my heart, and new understanding about redemption began to take shape.

I was thinking, "Man, adopting this little boy has been so much work. This is exhausting, expensive, uncomfortable ... and it doesn't feel very rewarding right now." What am I doing in some little Soviet car in the dark, in the middle of rural Ukraine in frozen December, as the driver dodges cats and potholes? What if Dimitri doesn't improve at all? What if we get "nothing" out of this? … Ahhh, there it was; that dark, fallen, unreedemed, selfish human love, rooted in the tree of the knowledge of "good and evil". The love the Greeks called "erao" love. The love where we treat someone as precious and treasured for what we can get out of it. This is unlike "agapeo" love, the God kind of love that treats someone as treasured and precious for their good, not for my good. It's when I love a person in order to meet their needs, having no expectation of them meeting any of my needs. At a whole new level, God is working His kind of love into my weak heart, and He's using little Dimitri to do it.

On the drive home that night, the Lord whispered in my ear, "This is Redemption. Derek, do you know how far I travelled to get you and bring you back? I had to be separated from my Son, in order to get you, just like you are separated from your children in order to get these boys. Do you know how expensive it was for Me to purchase you? It cost me everything. Do you know how broken, sick, damaged, twisted, dirty, smelly, and hopeless you were? And at the end of it all, you had nothing to give me or add to me. I did it for you. I emptied myself and became nothing so that you could have it all. This is redemption.

My friends, adoption is redemption. It's costly, exhausting, expensive, and outrageous. Buying back lives costs so much. When God set out to redeem us, it killed Him. And when He redeems us, we can't even really appreciate or comprehend it, just like Dimitri will never comprehend or fully appreciate what is about to happen to him … but … he will live in the fruit of it. As his Daddy, I will never expect him to understand all of this or even to thank me. I just want to watch him live in the benefits of my love and experience the joys of being an heir in my family. This is how our heavenly "Papa" feels towards us.

Today, settle your busy heart down and rest in the benefits of redemption. Enjoy the fruits of His goodness, and stop trying to "pay Him back". You'll never get close you goofy little kid.

Our Cambodian Success Story

2009-11-30T15:44:00.000-05:00

Isaiah's adoption story has a few ugly wrinkles in it because we were told that he was no longer with his sisters when we began their adoption process.

We'd met all three children on previous adoption trips to that orphanage, but never thought that we'd have an opportunity to adopt any of them. When that chance came and we asked about the children, as near as we can figure the orphanage director felt safer "gambling" on our approval for two children rather than three so he told us that the little boy was gone, and ignored all further questions about him. We started the two sisters' adoptions NEVER dreaming that a photo sent to us a week before our travel would change our very lives!

For a year we sent gifts to our little girls, photos, every time another family would travel over, we'd send something TO THE GIRLS. A fellow and previous adoptive mom sent a photo of a girl she had come to care about and asked if we'd check in on her. As the 2 month old photo opened up on our computer screen, our Isaac shouted "THAT'S GUHN KEAR!!" YES, the brother we'd been told was "gone" was very much still at the orphanage. I called the director on the phone and asked WHY he would tell us such an untrue story. His reply was simple, "He play with boys. You no need to adopt." THAT NIGHT we began to pray that God would do another Smith family adoption miracle and allow us to bring Guhn Kear home. Due to a US imposed suspension, the US had allowed a certain number of pre-approved cases to proceed. Guhn Kear ' name was not on our "pre-approved " paperwork but the "deadline I was immediately told, so NO we could not adopt the brother whom we'd met with the sisters, we COULD separate siblings, but adopt the brother ? NO WAY.

With all this going on and on our hearts, Esther 15 and I traveled to Cambodia for our daughters and to TRY and explain why for a year we'd sent gifts to his sisters but not to the brother, and why we were taking his sisters away from him and not taking him. It was one of the very hardest experiences of my life and one which has shaped a lot of our thinking about family, commitment and how we needed to reach out to Guhn Kear when YES PRAISE GOD a year later we were granted Humanitarian Parole status for Guhn Kear to come home, but not an adoptive child- immigrant visa.

IF you were 8-ish, and a family came and took your sisters away from you and left you behind, how warm and fuzzy would you feel? Our dear translator worked so hard to convey my feelings and my words to Guhn Kear, and I know that he sensed I was telling the truth. We checked him out of the orphanage and kept him with us at our friend's home the entire time we were in Cambodia, but the good bye at the airport was truly a taste of hell for us all. The girls wept for days calling their brothers' name, I knew he was doing the same with theirs .............How I praise God that the girls didn't hate us while they were trying to wrap their young minds around what had happened to their little family. They were all each other had; it had been that way since some time in 2001, until November 2005 when we with our government's closed door in our prayers, separated them.

BUT GOD! God had a bigger plan and He accomplished His plan. We celebrated Guhn Kear's 3rd anniversary home late this summer. That was not the end of the story...

Once home, Isaiah Guhn Kear took quite a while to warm to us, but it didn't matter. I would hold him and pray over him, every night, reach out and tousle his hair and say "I love you" even when I knew I'd get no response. Sometimes during the day, I would stop him and tell him that I just needed to give him a hug...NOT that I WANTED one from him, but that I NEEDED to give him one. I would say "Even if you don't tell me that you love me, even if you don't think that you love me, it is OK with me. I LOVE YOU and I am going to KEEP telling you. Even if you don't hug me back, I am going to keep hugging you so that you know I ALWAYS WILL LOVE YOU." NO big drawn out lectures, no prolonged hugging, but since I do this stop- and- hug routine with all the children, he saw that he was loved and that I was willing to keep giving to him ,regardless of return. Earlier on, when I was hugging everyone else good night, he'd duck under the covers and hide from me. If I didn't come right in after him, he'd poke his head out just to see if I was still there. Then he'd duck right back under. It became a bonding game...I'd go digging under the covers to hug him and give him a kiss, but sometimes I'd wait to watch for him to pop out first. He would laugh and laugh. HE needed to be SOUGHT OUT, PURSUED, and WANTED: without feeling that he had to give back. Until he felt truly WANTED, he didn't let himself give much emotion away. There's more to it than that, but these are things I saw he needed. None of our other children were that way,but bonded and attached , and all those other terms for "WE BLENDED" which took Isaiah longer (no surprise ) and more intensive care loving. He is still not a "stop and hug his mommy guy" at age 11, but he is very quick with "I love you Mommy!" and to make sure that I see him when he's doing anything that should be of interest to me.

We all know how blessed we are in this story, but it is GOD and God's love at work in each of us, every single day!

Linda, mom to 14 and waiting on 3 more

ALLOWING OTHERS TO BE OBEDIENT

2009-11-30T14:26:00.003-05:00

I can't tell you how many people say they would adopt if they had the money ... Well, I am here to tell you we are on our 3rd adoption and we didn't have one extra penny for any of our adoptions and God provided it ALL...

I definitely think one thing I learned quickly after bringing home our precious SN angel is that I could not be everything to everyone all the time. If God was truly calling us to this journey that was hard, came w/ many sleepless nights, required more in a day than I had, and required all of us in the family to give unconditionally of ourselves to help Maggie heal, adjust, and learn to love then there were going to be times we needed help. Help to get the kids to and from places, help w/ meals, help with house cleaning, help w/ doctor's appointment, and help w/ going to the store, etc. If He called us to this then He called others to walk alongside of us and for the first time in my life I gave up that control that I COULD DO IT ALL.

We are the body of Christ and I would have been robbing someone else of their blessing if I denied them access into our world and life. People wanted to help, they wanted to serve us, and they desired to be obedient to the Lord in doing so. The calls always came at just the right time and we accepted. People loving on us and helping us made a huge difference in the adjustment for Maggie. Because of other's wanting to help, we could focus that energy on helping Maggie to adjust, attach, and learn to trust.

So my advice would be to take people at their word when they say, "Can I pick up anything at the store for you, Can I organize meals for your family, Can I pick up a prescription, Can I sit w/ you today and hang out, Can I pick your kids up at school today, Can I babysit for you while you go to the doctor, Can I fold your laundry, Can I pray for you (be specific), or Can I just drop you off a diet coke and chocolate." Accept kindness and allow the body of Christ the ability to do its mission, IT DOES NOT MAKE YOU A FAILURE TO REQUIRE HELP, IT MAKES YOU A CHILD OF GOD ... We can not stand alone, but when we stand together there is amazing strength...

Blessings to all !!!!

Gwen, blessed mom of 6 (4 through international adoption)

They are currently waiting to bring home two beautiful children from Uganda. You will be blessed following along their adoption journey.

Success Stories

2009-11-26T19:42:00.001-05:00

Your Success Stories Coming Soon!