Adoption Stories

After the Airport

2011-09-07T22:23:00.001-04:00

{Note: I could not believe how much I related with this post. May we all encourage one another and help each other to follow God’s leading for our families to the best plan for us. May we encourage one another to be OK sharing the real story and not hide behind - it has to be OK because you chose to adopt. My heart breaks for all those who are afraid to share their stories and feel shame for any of the things Jen shares below. It is OK and be grateful we serve and are loved by a GRACIOUS and MERCIFUL GOD!

Being a Mom of 9 children sometimes takes my breath away. Being a mom to 7 adopted children sometimes exhausts me like nothing else can or will. God uses every moment of my exhaustion to draw me back to Him, change my focus off myself and the trials – onto Him! He uses every moment to teach me about His love for each of us. All it takes is me being humble enough to listen and learn from what He asks and is trying to teach me through the seasons He asked us to walk. May we truly embrace the truth of His word and allow them to become the air we breath – life giving to all we know and love!

Thank you Jen for your honesty and transparency – God is glorified because you allowed Him to use you in more ways than saying yes to adoption!! God bless you and your family!}

Originally posted by Jen Hatmaker on Tuesday September 06, 2011

I'm going to tell you something; a little confession, if you will. Some of you will pull your hair out and smear your faces with ashes and put all my books on eBay and quit believing in God, but I'm willing to take that risk:

I'm really, really glad all my kids are back in school.

There. I said it. The three children that I birthed and nursed and raised from scratch, and the two children we begged and cried and screeched for and fetched from Africa...all five of these kids are in school. And I am happy, so happy, happy, happy, happy, hip-hip-hooray Mary Poppins happy.

For my friends and readers who homeschool, I tip my hat and say to you, "Well done, good and faithful servants." And believe me, I have a couple of besties who paddle in that stream, and paddle it well. For some kids in some cities in some families in some districts, this is the very right thing. The end. Why people feel the need to make a fuss about how other parents decide to educate their children is beyond me.

Let's live and let live, yall. For the love of Pete.

But I cannot educate my own children, people, unless I am OK with us all becoming homicidal.

Plus, we're in a nice little Bermuda triangle where our kids feed into fabulous schools with vested teachers that make me want to weep with gratitude. The language resources for my Amharic speakers is over the top, and I have a free pass to attend school each and every day, which I have exercised with zero restraint.

But this is not a post about homeschooling or public schooling. The reason I am happy my kids are in school is not because I lack the organization to educate five kids (which I do), it's not because I've chosen a career with a moderate workload (which I have), and it's not because I'm a little sloppy on details and my kids would likely graduate with a sixth-grade education (which they would).
It's because parenting right now is EXHAUSTING and the mental break is keeping me afloat.

On July 22nd we came down the escalator at the Austin airport with Remy. On August 21st we came down the same escalator with Ben. These were two of the happiest days of my life.

I am crying with joy. Remy is ready to sprint like FloJo from the screaming white people.

Insert audio of yelling and cheering. GAH, why was she so clingy?

One month later: Here comes my man and my boy. This pic makes me verclempt.

The 7 Hatmakers on the same continent. You've been warned, America.

After an arduous adoption journey, our kids were safe in our arms, tucked into their bunk beds their dad built with his own two hands, surrounded by the dearest, most sincere community we have ever known. God delivered them from poverty and abandonment back into a family, no longer alone in this big world; now wanted and loved and welcomed with great fervor.

The end.

Not.

Remy gave us about 12 hours of honeymooning until her terror burst onto the scene. Sometimes her fear is so palpable, it literally takes my breath away. New places: terror. New faces: total insecurity. Transitions: help us, Jesus. She has asked us every single day since July 22nd if she is going back to Ethiopia. Every. Single. Day. When I discovered cashews to be a winning legume for her impossible palate, I told her:

"Yay! Good job! Cashews are good for you and will help you grow big and strong!"
"Big? Ah-Rrrremy? Big? Cashews?"
"Yes!"

She pushes them away and starts crying.

Once again, I am bewildered and befuddled.

"No! No Ah-Rrremy grow big! Me big, then go back to Ethiopia! No! Dis is no!"

When a child fears that cashews will once again leave her abandoned on this earth because she will grow out of the age we might still want to parent her, you are dealing with heartbreaking fragility.

Her fear comes out as 1.) defiance, 2.) terror, and 3.) catatonic disassociation, in that order. We've been spit on, kicked, disobeyed, refused, clung to, begged for, adored, ignored, and rejected. Triggers are unpredictable. Yesterday, we entered an hour-long Armageddon because she wouldn't put her bike up. This turned into defiance and disrespect, deal breakers as we establish safe boundaries. When at long last her angry, dark face relented, and she finally uttered in the smallest voice: "I'm sorry, Mommy. I'm sorry, Daddy," the damn broke and she cried for thirty minutes, telling us over and over that we don't love her and she is going back to Africa.

Meanwhile, Ben sidled up quietly next to me as Brandon held Remy's flailing legs, and asked in a whisper: "Mom? Forever?"

Is this family forever, even with this hysterical girl? Are you forever, even though she is draining the lifeblood out of you and Dad? Am I forever, once my junk starts coming out that I'm holding in? Are you forever for her? For me? Should I be worried that you'll only put up with this level of chaos for so long?

God love them.

We are parenting damaged, traumatized children; don't let the pictures fool you. We're in the weeds. Every minute is on; there is no off. We've arrived late, cancelled altogether, hunkered down in therapy mode, missed appointments, failed to answer hundreds of emails in a timely manner, left voicemails unlistened to, texts unread, we've restructured, regrouped, replanned, reorganized, we've punted and called audibles, we've left the bigs on their own, hoping they are functioning well on auto-pilot after a lifetime of healthy stability, and sometimes, we put "Tangled" on for the eleventh time and cry in the bathroom.

We are exhausted beyond measure.
I know what you're thinking: You asked for this. Yes we did. And we'd ask for it again, with full disclosure and foreknowledge. We would. We would say yes to adoption, to Ben, to Remy. We would do it all over again. We might do it all over again in the future.

That does not mean we are not exhausted.

I know what else you might be thinking: Are you trying to scare people away from adoption? Because this is pretty good propaganda for turning a blind eye to this mess. No I'm not. While adoption is clearly not the answer for the 170 million orphans on earth, it is one answer, and I'll go to the grave begging more people to open their homes and minds and hearts to abandoned children who are praying for a Mom and Dad and a God who might still see them.

But Brandon and I decided some time ago to go at this honestly, with truthful words and actual experiences that might encourage the weary heart or battle some of the fluffy, damaging semi-truths about adopting. Because let me tell you something: If you are intrigued by the idea of adoption, with the crescendoing storyine and happy airport pictures and the sigh-inducing family portrait with the different skin colors and the feely-feel good parts of the narrative, please find another way to see God's kingdom come.

You cannot just be into adoption to adopt; you have to be into parenting.
And it is hard, hard, intentional, laborious work. Children who have been abused, abandoned, neglected, given away, given up, and left alone are shaken so deeply, so intrinsically, they absolutely require parents who are willing to wholly invest in their healing; through the screaming, the fits, the anger, the shame, the entitlement, the bed-wetting, the spitting, the rejection, the bone-chilling fear. Parents who are willing to become the safe place, the Forever these children hope for but are too terrified to believe in just yet.

But "yet" is a powerful word in the context of faith, if we are indeed to believe in the unseen and hope for what has not materialized.
I followed a God into this story who heals and redeems, who restores wasted years and mends broken places. This God specializes in the Destroyed. I've seen it. I've been a part of it. I have His ancient Word that tells of it. I love a Jesus who made reconciliation his whole mission. My children will not remain broken. They are loved by too good a Savior. I will not remain exhausted and spent. I am loved by too merciful a Father.

So today, I'm writing for you who are somewhere "after the airport." The big moment is over and you are living in the aftermath when the collective grief or euphoria has passed. You lost a parent, a sibling, a friend, a child. The experience mobilized every single human being who loves you, and they rallied, gathered, carried you. And now it's three months later on a random Tuesday, and the sting has worn off for everyone else, and you are left in your sorrow.

I'm writing for those of you who had the oh-so-wanted baby after the cheers and showers and Facebook fervor, and now you're struggling with a depression so dark and deep, you are afraid to say it out loud. To you who moved across the country in obedience - you left your family, church, community, your jobs - and now the headline has passed and you are lonely and unanchored. For my friends who've brought their adopted children home and the media frenzy has died down, and you are holding a screaming toddler, a fragile kindergartener, an angry teen, trying to catch your breath and make it through the day without bawling while everyone else has gone back to their regularly scheduled programs...I'm with you today.
More importantly, God is with you today. He remains in the chaos long after it has lost its shine. When the delivered meals have stopped and the attention has waned, Jesus remains. He sticks with us long after it is convenient or interesting. If you feel alone today in your new normal, would you please receive this bit of beauty: this simple Scripture recited billions of times throughout the ages, perhaps without the poetry of David or precision of Paul, but with enough truth to sustain the weariest traveler:

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you" (Deut. 31:6).

He will never leave.
Never forsake.
Never.

For my readers who love someone living "after the airport," the big moment - be it a blessed high or a devastating low - is never the completion. The grief and struggle, the work and effort, the healing and restoring comes later. Will you call your friend who lost her mom to cancer five months ago? Will you check in on your friends who adopted this spring? Email your neighbor who took a big risk and moved or changed jobs or quit to stay home. For the love of Moses, do you have a friend who stepped out and started a church last year? Bring him a lasagna and do not be alarmed if he sobs into his french bread.

Trust me when I tell you that although we are all having hilarious moments like this:

And precious moments like this:

...we are still in the thick of hard, exhausting work, so if you ask me if these are the happiest days of my life (which a ton of you have), and my eyes kind of glaze over and I say through a tight-lipped smile like a robot, "Yes. Sure. Of course. This is my dream life"...I am lying. I am lying so you won't feel uncomfortable when I tell you, "Actually, I haven't had a shower in three days, I lost my temper with my uncontrollable daughter this morning and had to walk outside, I'm constantly cleaning up pee because uncircumcised tee-tee goes sideways onto walls, and sometimes when my two littles are asleep and we're downstairs with the original three kids who are so stable and healthy and easy, it creates a nostalgia so intense, I think I might perish. But enough about me. How are you?"

But that would be weird. So I say, "Yes. I am so happy."

If you are living "after the airport," how I wish I could transplant my community into your life; friends who have loved us so completely and exhaustively, I could weep just thinking about it. Maybe one of the most brilliant ways God "never leaves us" and "never forsakes us" is through the love of each other. Maybe He knew that receiving love from people with skin on is the most excellent way, so He gave us an entire set of Scriptures founded upon community and sacrificial love for one another. I guess He realized that if we obeyed, if we became more like His Son, then no one would ever want for mercy when their chips were down. No one. Good plan.

Oh let us be a community who loves each other well. Because someone is always struggling through the "after the airport" phase, when the chords of human kindness become a lifeline of salvation. Let us watch for the struggling members of our tribe, faking it through sarcasm or self-deprecation or a cheerfully false report. May we refuse to let someone get swallowed up in isolation, drowning in grief or difficulties that seem too heavy to let anyone else carry. Let's live this big, beautiful Life together, rescuing each other from the brink and exposing the unending compassion of our Jesus who called us to this high level of community; past the romantic beginnings, through the messy and mundane middles, and all the way to the depths.

Adoption Changed Me…

2010-11-29T07:00:00.000-05:00

Originally posted by Kayce

A sweet moment captured by Big J in San Francisco. Processed with Nelly Nero's Cynic B/W

As our car sped along the open road with the beautiful Pacific Ocean on our left and the sun on our faces, a conversation was taking place in the car. Voices full of ideas. Tones filled with wonderment. A long forgotten tune playing in the background. Sparks of excitement exploding all over. The day was July 25, 2005. I can almost remember each moment of that six hour drive home from Southern California up highway 101.

We had just spent the weekend with our best friends celebrating their twins firsts birthday. The weekend was packed full with getting ready for the celebration and the pitter patter of small feet all around me. Much of the conversation was about the joy of children in our lives and how each and every one is such a gift from God, especially the twins who were IVF babies...miracles. My soul was craving another child then. My body could not give me that child. Little did I know at the time that adoption could and even would.

Having a child for me was never something I thought I could do. As a child I was diagnosed with Type I diabetes and was told I would most likely never conceive. Then I had my son. My world changed with one heartbeat and after that I wanted to fill my arms with as many children as I could hold. Several years after the birth of my first child I had to have a total hysterectomy and thought I had lost my chance to fill my arms again and again. My husband and I would never share a child of our own. I learned to accept it. Kind of. In my soul I ached for another. Adoption soon filled my heart until it burst on that drive home from a first birthday.

In those six hours that it took us to get home we had gone from one end of the adoption spectrum to the other. Tears were shed. Laughter was heard. Countries were mentioned. Money was discussed. Names were thrown out there. Concrete was poured and our hearts were firmly incased in the fact that we were going to be parents again. We were going to get the chance to share something together. We were going to adopt. When we walked in the door, I ran straight for the computer and the phone. I called my best friend to tell her she was always right about how another child would grace our family. I frantically started researching agencies and for the first time couldn't wait for Monday to get here so I could make calls!
I'm a go in and get it done kinda person. This is what I want and this is how to do it...get it, got it...good! Not so much with adoption. Adoption is not for the faint hearted nor a person of little faith. This was not something I was completely prepared for when we started this journey. We began our adoption with Russia and got turned down due to my diabetes. It was a pretty sad day for me. Once again I felt betrayed by my health. Then China spoke to us again. And again. And again. It had from the beginning. The next week we turned in our application for China and started the race.

Mike captured this moment on our beach a few months back. Processed with Nelly Nero's Classic B/W with a few tweaks.

As we all know the journey of love in route to China is quite a bumpy one. There are road blocks every few miles and lots of floods to swim through. When our dossier went across the ocean and landed on a desk in China we were told it would be 6-9 months to wait for our child. Those months turned into a path I never saw coming. This path changed me to the core. And to be honest right now...I'm glad. In those 45 months I learned to accept the things I can not change and make lemonade with what's leftover. I found a deeper love for myself and I found a much deeper relationship with God.

Adoption is beautiful. Adoption is hard, almost ugly sometimes. Adoption is an incredible joy. Adoption is raw. Adoption is perfect and completely imperfect at the same time. Adoption blesses two entities. Adoption is not something you can prepare for. Adoption can deplete your wallet yet give you riches beyond measure. Adoption is a gift from God.

Adoption not only changed my family it changed my life and it will change me again because my arms have plenty of room and my heart is firmly in the concrete I call the miracle of adoption.

Thank you Kayce for sharing your beautiful family with us and your heart so full of His peace, joy and love!

My Testimony

2010-10-20T06:00:00.000-04:00

Originally posted by Sara

*Note {I have known Sara since the beginning of our adoption with Gabriel, she is a beautiful writer, a spirit led, God fearing woman and a blessing to all who spend time with her. I will share my comments at the end of this post.}

Every pregnancy is different.

My mind’s picture of these two “new” children from Uganda stands in stark contrast to what we experienced during the beginnings of our first adoption. Where there was naive energy motivating my paper chase, there has been measured sobriety with each paper I sign. Where there were celebrations at every mile-marker, there has been a sense that I’m on a fast moving train with no scheduled stops. Reality is sinking in, I’ve told myself. Our sober call to adopt is the front-runner this time.

Or so I’ve been thinking.

Well, you see, the unfolding story of Eden and Caleb continues to get better with each day. They are world’s beyond what we could have expected. The struggles of health and attachment are minimal compared to the joy that’s erupted in our home.

But even with this I haven’t forgotten the stories of adoption which surround us. Books I’m required to read as a part of the adoption process remind me of all the potential challenges adoption can bring, particularly with “older” children, like the ones we’re adopting (and the ones we already adopted). The longer kids exist without parents, the greater the opportunity for fallout. Issues with attachment, misplaced grief, aggression, fears of all kinds. I could go on. And on. Abandonment of any form leaves a mark.

Books are only the half of it; I have real life stories brimming in my inbox and on the other end of the phone from adoptive parents whose marriages and children are responding to that very mark.

So, there’s a risk in moving forward. Now that we are more of a “settled” family, abandonment’s manifestation can leave its residue on more than just me and Nate. Eden and Caleb are vulnerable to our next two’s baggage.

I’ve been carrying this in the back of my mind. The background information, in and of itself, is just fine. It serves the purpose of making me knowledgeable about what we could be getting ourselves into. But like any isolated body of knowledge, when attached to fear, it takes on wings.

And now it’s reckoning time. I’m putting a stake in the ground right here.

Our next adoption, while carrying some level of the intensity that comes with a call, has been, perhaps unnecessarily weighty in my mind.

You see, there was a period of time (still fresh in my mind) when God chose to allow more personal pain than I ever imagined I could handle in one sitting. I remember thinking one day that I would quite literally collapse from grief over what had become of my life, my friendships, my marriage — only to proceed to then land myself in a Christmas Eve ER waiting room with a doctor’s prognosis that my father had terminal brain cancer. The worst night of my life. And here I thought my struggle was my yet-empty womb. What was bad got worse, for more than just some months. When all was said and done, it was years.

Anyone who has walked this road knows that one of the worst byproducts of circumstantial pain is the commentary from those around you. Judgments from others, in times like these, are like bugs attracted to the light. They’re inevitable, as no one walks through debilitating pain gracefully.

So what does this have to do with our adoption?

Well, Eden and Caleb have been like a flag, marking the turning of tides. We knew the season of weeping would “last just for a night” — one very long night in my opinion. Joy has come in the morning. While there are still very real struggles (not least of which being my not-yet-healed body and my father who is no longer with us), many of the weights on our lives have been lifted.

The years of apparent set-backs forced me to face the truths in scripture that He disciplines those He loves and even Jesus learned obedience through His suffering and that we have an opportunity to meet with Him as we share in His sufferings. These truths were my food when I couldn’t get myself off the floor. Jesus came off the page and into my house and became, for the very first time in my life, real. The words I had used my entire Christian life to describe Him, finally had life behind them. He comforted me. He held me. He began to write His truth over what felt like my epitaph.

My story was not over. It was just starting.

The problem, though, is that a long life lived in one (unhealthy) direction seems to have clouded over those truths as it relates to our adoption. Prior to those years of struggle I actually believed that God could produce a life of ease and that following Jesus equated to promotion on earth – albeit different from the world’s picture of promotion.

And the inertia of years and years of this expectation seems to have trumped the new truth springing up out of my life. And instead of having the hope of a God that can intercept any challenge and expand my understanding of Him as a result, I’ve been bracing myself for another punch, like a boxer who’s been knocked out already once this round.

Oh Lord, forgive me. I’ve been seeing it all wrong.

There is one verse in the book of Revelation that’s been highlighted to me more times than I can count in the past six or seven years. When this happens, I pay attention. It talks about the battle waged against those who “keep the commandments of God and have the testimony of Jesus Christ.”

It was only just this weekend that it dawned on me. The testimony of Jesus Christ in my life is that life’s worst curve balls can produce God’s greatest glory. That He wins, every time.

The truth is, we don’t always see it. But in the face of all of this pain, I see now that the mark on my life is victory and my testimony is triumph. Yes, even in the face of any and all darkness.

Every single life event over the past 7+ years which felt like another nail in my coffin, has become a part of my story. And that story is one of great advancements into His heart. I can honestly say if I die tomorrow that I got a taste of His love. That I knew Him, even if just a little bit.

So who am I to think that another adoption is going to be the end of this new paradigm in my life?

This shift has been because of Him. I am drinking deeply of my children because of all they represent. Hopes, dreams, desires — not displaced, but fulfilled in a way that’s blown my expectations. Joy is real. I finally came to the point where I knew that what came from circumstantial ease — what I used to think was joy — was synthetic. The presence of God has become tangible. And everything else feels like cotton candy in comparison.

If the next adoption brings with it strife, I will know God more. The question I’m pretty sure every parent considering adoption asks: what about it’s impact on the children in my home? gets the same response. Just as God has met me, He will meet Eden & Caleb.

We are being fashioned for eternity. And this life now is my training grounds. What I know of Him here, I will be rewarded for (by more intimacy — God’s currency) when I cross over or when He returns. That’s true for me, for Nate … and for Eden and Caleb. Their little hearts, too, are getting trained to know Him as more tangible than anything their fingers will ever touch.

My desire to “protect” them, our lives now, our seeming “stability” could be lethal. Self-preservation is a facade. Instead of protecting, it could serve as a wedge between where we are now and the greater depths where He wants to take us into, of knowing His heart.

I’m writing this post because I want to put an end to what I’ve called “sobriety” in regards to this next adoption. I’ve looked over what I’ve written, what I’ve said, and I’ll just admit it: I haven’t been sober, I’ve been fearful.

Instead, I want to erect a banner which says, God wins, every time. That’s my testimony. I have a marriage and children and a heart I can honestly say is more alive than it’s ever been to prove it. Forget the circumstances, I have nothing to fear. In fact I’ve been missing out on opportunities to expect, and to hope and to dream about what God is going to do at the entrance of these next two children into our home.

Challenge — something I resist, instead becomes a doorway into the very thing I want more of: the Father’s embrace.

I think we just might need to go out to dinner to celebrate. Folks, *we* *are* *adopting*!

Photo courtesy of Lucy O’ Photography. Look her up!

As a Mom of 7 adopted children your concerns are real. People need to think about them and be ready to fight the good fight. We all need to lay down our fear and trust God to bring all of us through it – including our children in our home already. Have our children gone through some hard times during transitions with siblings coming home? YES! Have they gone through periods of disobedience, etc because of it? YES! Have I had to say NO to my flesh and fight against rejecting the child instead of the behavior? YES! Have I had to learn how to love the brokenness inside of the child and myself? YES!

Is this easy? NO! But suffering never is. The outcome is glorious and the rewards outweigh the hard times. Even when they seem to never end. The season we have gone through recently took everything I had to hold onto God’s hand and His truths to keep me standing strong. Yet, I can look back and clearly see God asking me to surrender even more of myself and to look for HIS awesome power in my life. To be excited and anticipate the glory of the LORD all over our family!

Yes, Sara release the fear and surrender knowing what is coming is even greater then you could ever dare to dream or imagine!

I pray you share this post with your family, friends and readers. Talking about the reality of what you can face when a child comes home broken in ways you could never be prepared for, praying about it and having others come alongside of you is a sure way to get through the challenges ahead. There is no reason to feel bad or guilty that you have these concerns. It is better to be honest and bring them all to God then to try and hide them where the enemy will have power over your mind. Stand in the light of the LORD and allow Him to be your strength, comfort and rest in His awesome love for you and desire to bless you in ways that will change you for eternity purposes!

I’d choose you…

2010-09-02T07:00:00.000-04:00

Originally posted by Amy

Over this...

again and again and again.

I'd choose you...

over this....

again and again and again.

I'd choose you...

over this....

again and again and again.

I'd choose you....

over this....

again and again and again.

I'd choose you...

over this...

again and again and again.

I often hear people say they would love to adopt- but they cannot afford it.

They believe there is no way they could come up with the large sum of money it cost to adopt.

And yet, many times, without even realizing it-they are investing even more into the 'finer' things in life.

And often, without even realizing it, they go into debt trying to pretend that they can.

They have fallen into the trap of believing that things make them important, things make them accepted and things make them happy.

And that is such a lie.

There are children all over the world, even in our own back yard, waiting for someone to realize their real value...

Waiting for you to see them for the true treasures they are...

Waiting for someone to realize they are the finer things in life...

Waiting for someone-

to choose them,

over a lifestyle.

"Don't store up treasures here on earth, where moths eat them and rust destroys them, and where thieves break in and steal. Matthew 6:19

Even When It’s Hard…

2010-08-26T07:00:00.000-04:00

Originally Posted by Amy

Often times, besides the cost of adoption, the thing that stops people from saying yes is, you know, because it might be hard.

People might look at you funny.

The way you live their life might be

changed or interrupted.

You might have to give up something to make room for another.

And, what if the child God places in your home doesn't look, act, or fit into the image you had hoped for?

And, well, that would be hard.

And hard is something we avoid.

But can I remind you for just a minute how hard the price of our comfort is on them?

I often wonder where Christians came up with the idea that being a Christian resembled anything close to easy?

I often wonder how so often we miss the entire point of what Jesus is all about?
He is so much more than going to church on Sunday, memorizing verses of the bible, wearing a cross around your neck, and praying at the dinner table.

And can I just tell you something else?

Life is never going to be easy- regardless of how hard we try to put up those walls of protection, regardless of our attempt to make all the right decisions and all the right plans.

And can I remind you that the greatest gifts in life did not come easy either?

When you claim to know the Lord and you call yourself a Christian you are not signing up for easy. As a matter of fact, I can almost guarantee you that God will call you out of your comfort zone, out of your ordinary existence and into a life that you never imagined for your self.

It will be a life that is all about HIM...a life that that glorifies HIM- not you.
So go ahead and love your God so much that you are willing to get out there, get a little crazy, not worry about what anyone thinks...

Get your hands dirty

SERVE

GIVE

LOVE

make your life COUNT.

You might get hurt, you might be uncomfortable, you might not be popular-you might not even recognize yourself when He is done...

but the one thing I can promise you that it will be worth. it. all.

Giving Up Self…

2010-08-19T07:00:00.000-04:00

Originally Posted by Tami

The Journey of Giving Up Self and Embracing God.

September 2007
As many of you know, we began a journey last December with our foster son, J. Our hope is to adopt him, but as of right now, he is not legally free. When J. came to us, he was almost 7 months old and had suffered neglect and several moves prior to being placed in our home. Little J. was basically stoic, non-responsive and showed many signs of major infant attachment problems. When you looked into his eyes, there was no light in them, as if he was just existing...not really living.

We began to care for him and meet his needs in ways they had never been met before, even anticipating what he would need before he could. It took two and a half months for us to get a smile out of him. Initially, J. wouldn't look into our eyes or cuddle at all. J. wasn't able and didn't know how to receive comfort or any form of intimacy. He would scream, fight, and cry through his bottles, even though he was hungry and wanted to eat. J. fought to control everything in his life because he didn't know he could trust us.

Soon, he started performing for strangers, friends and acquaintances. He would be so happy around other people, flirting and going to anyone that put their arms out. Anyone except his own family at home. He wouldn't let his defenses down and get attached to us. We prayed and prayed over him. For the first 6 months, J. would physically fight being prayed over and then one day something happened in him and he began receiving the prayer with out a fight, looking in my eyes and praying with my face as I fed him his bottle. Breakthroughs were happening! He was beginning to trust.

Now, after 9 ½ months of intense spiritual warfare prayer, lots of love, hard work and help from professionals and families that have been in the same situation, J. is on the road toward health. He looks to Mommy and Daddy for comfort and security and he accepts hugs and kisses. He still has quite a way to go, but we see him attaching more securely every day and getting healthy.

I tell you this story because as we've lived it, God has shown me the many parallels between J.'s attachment journey and our walk with Jesus.

-We start out dead inside (sin), but our exterior looks alive.
-We seek to fill the void in our life by attaching our self to anything or anyone.
-We try to control our life, often ending up at odds with God's plan for us in that attempt to be in control.
-When safety is offered in Christ Jesus, we may not see it as good, but try to go back to our old ways. The problem is that once we've encountered Christ, nothing else will ever satisfy.
We are wounded and want comfort, but we don't know how to let ourselves go and receive what the Father has for us.
-When God shows us the right path, His way, we fight back with our own plan. Our plan is not to our benefit, but God presses in and sees us through. No matter how hard it is on us to be in distress, it is so painful to God to watch his child suffer and not run to him.
-We fight, fight, fight and finally begin to give in, relaxing once we spend time in His presence.
-Finally, in Him, we are whole and healthy, looking to Him in all things; consistently going His way and knowing He will hold us and right our upside down world by His grace, mercy and love.

Thank you Tami for sharing your story with us!

The Beginning

2010-08-12T14:32:00.001-04:00

Originally Posted by Tami

12/31/2006 given to me during worship
Adopted into “The family”
You become like whom you hang out with. Who do you want to become like? Start with Jesus and he’ll challenge you to become more like him in thoughts, deeds and actions. “Pure and undefiled religion in the sight of our God and Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their distress, and to keep oneself unstained by the world," (James 1:27)

There are organizations and charities that can feed, clothe, and house some of these souls. We can give of our time, money, and prayers to these worthy organizations, but do you think that’s all of what God really intended when He said to care for them?

I say no that‘s not all. He wants us to do for them what we would do for our own children: give them a true home and a forever family and a chance to experience the true love of Christ. There’s more to it than anonymously donating. There is the true sacrifice of sharing your life.

I challenge you to look deep inside your soul and see what God has told, led, and instructed you about the fatherless. The Word says that God is the Father of the fatherless. Psalm 68:5-6a “A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling. God sets the lonely in families…”. Yet, the word also states we are to be the hands & feet of Christ doing works greater than He. John 14:12 “I tell you the truth, anyone who has faith in me will do what I have been doing. He will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father.” 114,000 children are waiting to be adopted. On average, children waiting for adoption have been in foster care for 42 months, almost four years. More than 800,000 children pass through America's foster care system each year. The United Nations counts 143 million kids around the world as orphans, 143 million children waiting for love and support.

If, at this point you are reading this and thinking “I could never adopt, or foster a child, someone I don’t even know. You are right! You can not do it on your own, only through the grace and mercy and ability our wonderful God gives us on a daily basis.

Let me share our story:
-Dec ‘05-Met the Ben & Kim Green and family (5 adopted children at the time, adopting number 9 right now), inspired & motivated to pray for them & moved by Holy Spirit to “Do Something about the orphans in the world”.
-Dec ‘05-May’06-Prayerfully wrestled with God & each other about adopting.
-May ‘06-Listened to God and began to ask questions of the Green family when they adopted 2 more little ones, this time from Liberia.
-June ‘06-Researched agencies and started the process of our home study and adoption approval (this took 3 ½ months).
-Sept ‘06-Officially approved to adopt up to 3 children ages 8 and under.
-Sept ‘06-Dec ‘06-Searched for our children, knowing they were out there “somewhere” and didn’t have a real family. Made a small addition onto the house and bought the full size van to fit every one into. Every potential match ended up not working. We were getting very frustrated in our own efforts to follow God’s will for our family.
-Dec’06-Contacted by our Social Worker as a “far out” potential placement of a 17 year old mom and her 7 month old son. Our hearts both took a leap of faith and we said yes, knowing virtually nothing about them. God placed S. & J. into our lives on December 18, 2006, exactly one week before Christmas. What a gift!

What a roller coaster and we couldn’t be more blessed. They’ve been with us such a short time and they are already our kids. So far, we have had the opportunity to: help lead S. to Christ, share the truth of who God says she is with her, lead, coach, and instruct her how to parent her son, and so much more. Our other children have been so blessed and grown so much in Christ already. Yes, they have had to make personal sacrifices (like giving up their own private bedrooms and more), but the blessings of sharing family with someone who’s never experienced it before outweighs it all.

So many people have said to us: “ What a great thing you are doing” or “She’s so lucky to have you” or “You must be a really special family to do this” or “ You are such an inspiration”. But I ask is any of that really true? Are we an inspiration? If we are a so called “inspiration“, then what is it we are inspiring you to do? We are no different than any other Christian family except that we took a risk to love some one that the world decided wasn’t too loveable. We think S. and J. are our greatest gifts this year and can’t wait to see the great things God has in store for them.

So I challenge you to think about what God says about our orphans and widows and for you to stop acting like you are still an orphan in this world and start living like the child of God you are. Ephesians 1:3-5 “How we praise God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly realms because we belong to Christ. Long ago, even before he made the world, God loved us and chose us in Christ to be holy and without fault in his eyes. His unchanging plan has always been to adopt us into his own family by bringing us to himself through Jesus Christ. And this gave him great pleasure.”

Make a difference today to those that don’t know whose they are yet. There are many ways to impact the orphans today: Get involved with local ministries and charities that care for orphans and children in the Foster care system. Go on a short term mission trip to care for those in orphanages. Sponsor a child or an entire orphanage. Mentor a foster child in your area. Support families that have adopted or are providing foster care by offering meals, physical/monetary assistance, prayers and babysitting. Become a foster parent yourself and provide them a safe home and opportunity to meet Jesus. Adopt a child (or children) yourself and give them what every child needs- a forever family.

We have been blessed so much by the initial outpouring of support and love from the church, friends and family as we have embarked on this journey. Please join us in loving the lost of our world- in one way or another. We know that our part of reaching the fatherless has just started and we are anticipating what God has in store for all of our family in the future in this area.

For more information on how to get involved, or support families that have adopted, visit http://www.voiceoftheorphan.org/, http://www.acts4ministry.com/, or http://www.davethomasfoundation.org/. You could also ask any of the many families in our church body that have adopted or fostered children.

More from Tami and her adoption journey coming soon…

A Mom’s Poem on Attachment

2010-06-15T10:58:00.001-04:00

Summertime can be tough on families with attachment challenges and behaviors. My friend Amy wrote this little poem (Dr. Seuss style) last week. It brought a smile to my face, I thought it might for you too!! :)

I do not like this kid of mine, I do not like them at this time.

Kicking, hitting, screaming “I hate you!”- oh the awful things this kid will do!

Love them, hug them, help them trust? Some days I think my head will bust.

Stealing, lying, hoarding food….can this kid do any good?

Love them, love them, don’t dare stop! Even when your heart might pop.

Wounded, broken, heart torn in two. Heal their scars? What can we do?

Hugging them ten times a day, will it make it all okay?

Be consistent, stay the course….could things get any worse?

Pray, pray, down on your knees! Beg the Lord to help you please.

I do not like this kid of mine, I do not like them at this time.

But, I will love them, yes I will! I will love them each day still.

I will love them every day, until they know they're here to stay!

Yes I will love them, yes I will! I will love them each and every day...

Until they know our love will never go away!

ADOPTION STORY #8

2010-04-26T06:35:00.000-04:00

Originally Posted by You Can Never Have Too Many

Love vs. Fear and how adoption has changed our parenting

Whenever I am about to publish a post such as the one that follows I wonder what I am thinking. Do I really want to be so honest? What will people think of me? Then I remember how I have been blessed and helped when people have been honest and open with me and I hope that this post will offer the same to someone out there.

Putting up those old pictures of Grace last week got me to thinking. I remember when she was first born and like the eager parents that we were we devoured every book we could get on parenting and infant care. If you know me you know that I LOVE to research. It is almost obsessive sometimes but I want to make sure that whatever I do I am doing it the best way that I know how. So we were all excited to welcome our new little one and put into practice the techniques that we learned in the books. We would look at other people's naughty children and think that there was no way our children would act like that. We were experts, or so we thought.

Things went pretty well. We were complimented often on how well behaved Grace was and of course we swelled with pride. We looked at other poor parents of disobedient rowdy children with pity thinking that if they had just read the books that we had then their children would not be acting so. Aiden came along and then Naomi and still things were going just by the book. Of course our children had their moments, they weren't perfect but all in all things were going pretty well.

And then one day almost 2 years ago we brought into our home a little boy who did not have the same nurturing for the first 3 years of his life that our other children had and came with a lot of baggage. That's o.k. we thought. The books tell you what to do with children such as this and so we tried the techniques on him. Unfortunately this little boy had not read the books and didn't know how he was supposed to respond to this type of parenting. The "if you do this than this will happen" just did not compute. We were very confused. What could we do? We spent almost every evening talking about what to do, how to do it better, how confusing it was and how frustrated we were. Sometimes it would "work" but most of the time it wouldn't and would actually back-fire on us causing even worse behavior.

Then the Lord started to show us a new and more excellent way. At first we fought it. This can't be right we thought! Children need to be controlled. They need to have a "healthy fear" of authority. But "no", the Lord gently whispered, "I do not control you. It is my kindness that leads YOU to repentance, why should you think you could parent better than I?"

Then the Lord started to teach us about love. The best word of advice I have received in regards to parenting Patrick came from an older wiser person. He said, "in the heat of the moment whatever you do remember that, Love Never Fails." Love never fails. It wasn't one method of child raising or one author's theories or biblical interpretation that never fails it was LOVE that never fails. Wow! Did that ever remove a lot of stress.

You see, a lot of Patrick's behaviors stemmed from fear; fear of being abandoned, fear of never eating again, fear of abuse, etc. and you can not force fear out of a person or make them stop being fearful no matter how hard you tried. In fact you would probably only make it worse. Think about someone trying to force you not to be afraid of a grizzly bear running towards you. Stop being afraid or you are going to be eaten! Yeah right! Now what the Lord taught us next was revolutionary. It was right there in front of our noses but we never saw it this way before. "Perfect love casts out fear!" It was an epiphany! If we could manage to love him as best we could through Christ his fear would slowly leave and his behavior would improve.

Right, easier said than done. You try loving a child that bites you, claws you, poops his pants in front of you to make you mad, says he's starving and then eats until he throws up on you, screams all the time, acts out during family get togethers, acts extremely intelligent one moment and then feigns ignorance the next, throws dishes on the floor, throws his food on the floor and screams (did I mention the screaming?) You get the picture, it wasn't easy. Now we're not looking for any martyr's award here. I only wish to tell you all this to show you how big our God is and what he accomplished and is accomplishing through these broken vessels. Don't go thinking that we are anyone special and what we did is only for "special" people like us. We are just as broken and helpless as you, probably more so.

So slowly, by degrees, after the Lord showed us these things we started to change. We pray for His eyes, His hands and His feet to do His will. We started to parent with the theme of love instead of the theme of needing to gain control of the child. It wasn't that we didn't love our children before. We did, immensely. We just think now that we were teaching them to obey out of fear of discipline instead of out of a heart of love for other people, their parents and most importantly God.

Yes, those other methods usually work to produce obedient children but we realized that they may not accomplish what God's goal would really be for his children. God doesn't want us to obey him just because we are afraid of punishment. What kind of love is that? He wants us to obey him because we love him and covet our relationship with him. For example, I would want my child to grow up and not speed not because they were afraid of getting caught and getting a ticket but because they cared about the other people on the road and because they loved God and he told them in His word to respect the governing authorities.

C.S. Lewis said, "It is hardly complimentary to God that we should choose Him as an alternative to Hell: yet even this He accepts."

We want our children to choose God not because they don't want to be punished (although the alternative is horrible) but because He is so great, glorious, beautiful, fulfilling, awesome, loving, comforting and relational.
The Lord leads, guides, and persuades his children he does not force, control, or manipulate.

I John 4:18 "There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love".

Now we don't claim to have it all together. I still wouldn't consider myself an expert by any stretch. We hope to maintain humble and teachable spirits and learn, change and grow as the Lord leads in our lives. We are thankful though that even though adoption has been the hardest thing we have ever (or seemingly will ever) do the lessons learned have been priceless.

There is so much more I could write on this subject. How we are seeking to apply this day to day in our lives and the fruit we have seen. One book that was helpful in shifting our mindset in this area is Danny Silk's Loving Our Kids on Purpose. Strange title I think but it is a book full of grace and truth. If you can get your hands on it do but if not no worries. It is not ultimately about one man or woman's philosophy on child rearing. Seek the Lord with a humble spirit and he will show you what to do.

Why Can’t I love My Adopted Child?

2010-04-19T07:00:00.000-04:00

Originally Posted by Storing Up Treasures

This post is going to be a doozy. I have written it and rewritten it, again and again. Because I know what I want to say. But, I don't know how to put it altogether and have it come across in the way I intend. Part of that is that I want people to adopt. I don't want fear to stop them from doing it and I certainly don't want what I write to inhibit people from moving forward.

So, if you haven't adopted yet, you may just want to stop reading. Or if you have adopted, but your adoption has been bliss and your child has never had any issues, you may as well stop right here. Because you aren't going to get this. And you can't get it, unless you are living it.

If you have adopted a child that has attachment issues then continue on........
At one time or another every parent of a traumatized kid has asked themselves the same question.

Why can't I love my adopted child?

If you tell me you haven't said it out loud or at least thought it, then either ....

A. You don't have a kid with attachment issues and your kid is just one of those kids that came out of trauma unscathed. (which like never happens)

B. You are lying.

C. You are in denial.

If we are being honest, all of us parenting these kids have asked ourselves this question.

And since we are being honest, I am struggling hardcore right now with loving one of my kids. I don't think I need to say who it is. The truth is, I have struggled at some point or another to love all three of my adopted children.

I have read all of the books. I have talked to many adoptive parents. Have done all kinds of therapy. I have prayed until I had no breath left to pray. And one day it all hit me like a ton of bricks.

You can't love behaviors.

Did you get that?

You can love people. But, you can't love behaviors. It is impossible. Trust me. I have tried.

And what has become clear as day to me is that the child I am struggling with at the moment, isn't acting or being the child God created him to be. Right now, due to all he has endured in his little life , he is just a lump of behaviors.

Can you love a lump of behaviors?

NOPE.

So, first of all, stop beating yourself up. Stop feeling guilty. And stop trying.

YUP. Stop trying.

No one can love behaviors. We can love people. We can love the person under all of the behaviors. But, we can't love the behaviors. And right now, you aren't seeing the person under the behaviors. In fact, you are so in the thick of it, that all your child is - is his or her behaviors.

Sure underneath that - way down deep - buried - where no one can see and no one has dared to go - is your child. The real, wonderful, amazing little person just waiting for someone bold enough, courageous enough to find them.

I mean think about it. If the very first time you met your spouse, he spit food in your face, screamed and yelled at the top of his lungs, manipulated you , fabricated tall tales, peed his pants, stole your wallet, and then professed his love to some other woman right in front of you.... would you have fallen in love with him? Would you want to take him home to meet your parents? Would you even be attracted to him? Or would you have run the heck out of there as fast as you could?

I know adopting a child is nothing like dating your spouse. But, as humans, we tend to fall in love with the good in a person. And even though our spouses are flawed, we see past the flaws to the heart and that is the part we love.

So, what happens when you adopt an adorable little one and get them home and they are raging lunatics and you can hardly see one good quality about them?
I will tell you what happens. You will find it very hard to fall in love. And if you are staring at your kid right now nodding your head yes, then you are not staring at your child. You are staring at a big 'ol lump of behaviors.

What do we do?

Do we give up? Do we cry? Do we wish we could take it all back and send this kid somewhere else?

Maybe.

And if that is where you are at right now, please don't feel bad about it. I have so been there. It is normal to feel that way. You are not alone. You are not some horrible, awful person. You are human.

The good news is.......

God knows who your little person is under all of those behaviors. He loves your little person more than there are words to express. He sees through the layers and layers of mess , right to the heart of who your child really is, and He loves him. He loves him, even when you can't.

Why is this good news? Because you are off the hook. You don't have to keep feeling guilty. You can just let God do all of the loving and give your little one over to Him. He is the perfect parent. You are just the vessel He wants to use to let that love be known.

Your child is waiting for someone to come along who will be bold enough to wait. Your child may not know this, but in the very deepest part of every human is the desire to love and be loved. Somewhere way, way, way down deep, there is a little soul crying out for love. But, he is so afraid. So very afraid of that love that he will stop at nothing to prevent you from seeing it.

And so, what you get is a lump of very frustrating, extremely mind boggling, over-the-top-makes-you-think-you-are-going-insane behaviors.

Up until now, no one stuck around long enough for your child to heal. No one was there to help this child uncover what is lurking beneath. No one cared enough to try.
Except for you. And if you are willing to commit yourself for the long haul, then you will have the privilege of one day seeing the beauty that has been hiding under all of the pain. If you are bold enough to wait it out, strong enough to let God do the loving, and committed enough to hang on, your child will emerge.

How do I know this?
Because Mikie and Galya were once lumps of behaviors. It took three years. Three long years of some pretty yucky stuff. Some pretty lonely times. Some really gut wrenching feelings before we started to see them emerge. And I can tell you without a doubt that it was worth every second of struggle to get to where we are right now.

They are beautiful. They are smart. And they are completely capable of giving and receiving love.

Trust me when I tell you, they are easy for me to love. It isn't work. It isn't forced. It is natural, attached, healthy love between parent and child.

A very wise friend said to me today as I vented my frustration with one of my kids- "My weak love is better than no love at all."

How true is that?
So maybe you are really struggling to love this crazy lump of behaviors sitting next to you today. Maybe you feel totally inadequate at this moment. It's okay.

My advice to you is this.....
Stop trying.

Give your little lump to God. Let God's perfect love pierce through the layers of behaviors. Rest in knowing that you don't have to do anything, but allow God to do His work.

Persevere.

Be bold enough to say you are not going to quit until your child is ready to let you in. Be strong enough and committed enough to lay your feelings aside and saddle up for the bumpiest ride of your life.

Then turn to your child and tell them "I am not going anywhere. I am here for the long haul. For as long as it takes I will wait. I will be here. I won't leave. I won't abandon you. No matter how bad things get, no matter what you do next, I am here. And when you are ready to let me love you, I will be here waiting."
(a message from one of my recovered lump of behaviors)

ADOPTION STORY #7 The Truth

2010-04-16T19:00:00.000-04:00

Originally posted by Choosing to Follow

The truth about adoption is that it will probably totally rock your world. You think you know what you are getting into - but you don't.

We have been adoptive parents for 14 years - our first adoption was a 16 year old girl when we had 2 baby boys and were only 27 and 28 years old ourselves. If you read any adoption literature you know we were set up for failure - funny thing though - when you are set up for failure sometimes you still succeed. It isn't that we were amazing people or that we didn't make mistakes (oh boy did we) but we did the best we could to love her and help her to become all that God had in store for her. And it was an amazing adventure, it really couldn't have gone any easier (well except for the car accidents - ask me about it if you are considering a 16 year old).

Our next adoption was Miss B - a toddler/preschooler. Probably the adoption that most turned my world upside down for a lot of reasons. But she is an amazing little girl who really couldn't be better attached or better settled in our family. Have the recent additions affected her - of course, anytime you add a child to the family everyone has to settle down to the new situation, but she has handled it pretty well.

Now the 2 newest ones - Estifanos is probably the easiest child in the world - so sweet and anxious to fit in. He is one smart cookie as well and a total joy to parent.

Alemtsehay is the most challenging child we have adopted - not however the most challenging child we have parented... Just because a child is born to you doesn't mean they will be easy. We have a couple of boys that at various times have really put us through our paces.... Anyway - is little miss hard - yep she is. BUT and here is the big thing - she is learning to have hope for her future, she is learning to accommodate a lot of family all at once, she is learning to trust and love - things that haven't worked out so well for her in the past. Is it going to take time and skill to help her to heal and attach yep it is - but she wants it, and she wants it pretty badly so I think the future for her is really bright. (In case anyone is wondering - she loves me pretty desperately, but aside from her sisters she could take or leave the rest of the family - the day is on the horizon when she will love us all until then we celebrate every step forward)

The truth is that adoption is hard work - it is challenging and most of the time it doesn't come naturally (at least to me). But I am always reminded what love the Father has for us that despite everything wrong with us he chose to adopt us - to call us coheirs with Christ, I will always be humbled by that - would that I never get over being adopted by God and that I would never lose His eyes for my kids, adopted or not.

You may also want to read Bonnie’s post entitled Settling In – Older Child Adoption

ADOPTION STORY #6

2010-04-15T14:42:00.001-04:00

My friend Melissa has spent months praying about sharing her story. I trust it will richly bless you! I love you Melissa, thank you for sharing so honestly and openly on this very important topic!

I have never wanted to write this post. It is very personal and private. Some of it is not my story to tell so pardon me if I am vague in some areas. But, this event, this ugly thing that has happened that has affected the world’s view of adoption needs to be corrected.

Today is the day that we (adoptive parents everywhere) are speaking the truth about our adoption experiences (the good, the bad and the ugly) in the hopes that people everywhere understand that while adoption may not be easy it is FOREVER.

Here is my story:

As most of you know my oldest son is adopted (by me, he is my husband’s biological son). I met Jason when he was about to turn three. Having been through a lot in my own childhood I immediately recognized that Jason wasn’t growing up in a good environment. He called me “mom” just because I was his daddy’s girlfriend.

The next time I saw him (a few months later) he was jumpy and afraid of the dark. He wet the bed. Lots of red flags. He lived over 1000 miles away so keeping an eye on the situation proved difficult.

In 1997, when Jason was four we received a phone call in the middle of the night from a neighbor of his bio mom’s. She had searched information for our number, only knowing my husband’s last name. I won’t go into the details of that call here but the next day began our quest to get custody of Jason. After almost two years, thousands of dollars in legal fees, thousands of miles back and forth from Iowa to West Virginia and two more years of abuse and neglect, we succeeded. We were awarded full custody of Jason in March 1999. After abuse and neglect continued during visitations between Jason and his bio mom, her parental rights were terminated and I adopted Jason as my own in September 2000.

When a child experiences bonding issues with their bio mom, are exposed to unmentionable abuse and neglect the scars run deep. And those scars cause them to lash out. Particularly to the person that represents the person that hurt them. In this case- me. Jason was hurt by his bio mom in so many ways and then I became his mom.

I love Jason because he is part of my husband. I love him because he is my son. But I also love him because I understand. I know what it is to be hurt by the person that is supposed to care for you more than anything.
So I took it. Punches, kicks, hair pulling, bruises, name calling (so sad to me that he even knew those words). I excused it, hid it and took it.

Because there were also hugs, kisses, special moments when it seemed he would be okay. We did everything “right”- therapy, IEP’s and love, lots of love. We learned how to restrain a child when he was raging, but even when he was eight and nine I wasn’t physically strong enough. Only my husband could. And he worked…a lot.

Jason didn’t just have a problem with authority at home. It translated everywhere…school, church, public places. We began to not be able to go anywhere as a family. Mike would have to stay home with Jason and the other boys and I would go or vice versa. We became isolated, lost friends and our family started to splinter.

He would run away from school, hit his teacher’s and hurt other students. His anger was palpable and his hurt ran so deep. The courts intervened in 2004. Our eleven year old son had a probation officer. If he messed up at school, hurt me or hurt his brothers he would be taken away. Kind of setting him up to fail.
And in December 2004, Jason was taken from us. He was deemed to be a danger to himself and others and placed in a residential facility for troubled children.

I felt like the life had been sucked out of me. We just wanted him to be okay. His placement was 3 hours away from our home. Our weekends became road trips. Labels were given: conduct disorder, attachment disorder, PTSD.

In June of 2007 our lives were turned completely upside down. Jason was about to come home from residential treatment and the judge that had originally ordered him there had requested an evaluation by several different types of therapists before he would sign the final order. One of those therapists was a juvenile sex offender treatment therapist. {Jason had displayed sexual acting out behaviors since he was very little}

The findings of her evaluation changed our lives forever. Jason disclosed things that not only made the judge rule that Jason could not return home but that he could also have no contact with his brothers, our other children.

The judge ordered Jason to a sex offender treatment program (three hours from our home). Jason was there for over a year. It was like a prison. All the kids wore the same clothes, same shoes, bars on the windows. We could only visit him once a month and it had to be in a room with all the other kids visiting their loved ones and we could only hug him when we left. It was the worst year of my life (and that is saying a lot considering the things I have been through)

Jason is not allowed to have any contact with Jared and Matthew by court order. It is heartbreaking to try to be a mom to brothers who are forbidden to see each other. When Mike and I visit Jason on the weekends (he is closer now so we get to see him weekly) we have to leave Jared and Matt behind. When we talk to him on the phone we have to go in another room. Family holidays, birthdays- it has just thrown our whole family a curveball we could have never expected.

We get through, by the grace of God. We are defining what family looks like when we can’t all be under the same roof. Jason is doing well at his boarding school and is even getting his permit and a job this summer.

But, his life has not been easy. He struggles under the constant weight of his early childhood.

If you have stuck with this post so far, you should know that I would never abandon Jason. And it is not because he is related to my husband by blood.

No matter what happened, he is my son. I made that choice from the day we began the custody process and stood before a judge and agreed to be his mama as if I had given birth to him myself.
And, although our road has been far from what I envisioned it to be eleven years ago, I consider it a privilege to be his mama.

Every placement that Jason has had, every counselor, every social worker has commented on my commitment to him. How many people have walked away (from children they gave birth to) over much less. When you know what it means to be abandoned it strengthens your resolve to never let a child you know feel that way again.

Adoption is God’s plan. Period. End of story. What if God decided that we were too much? Too sinful? Too violent? Made too many mistakes? How many of us would be worthy of salvation? Of Him being our

Heavenly Father?

Not.one.of.us.

Thank God adoption is forever!

(I am sorry for the length of this post but I had to share my heart on this. While I have been as vague as possible I would ask that if you know my family in person you not discuss the details in this post with my children. It is obviously a very sensitive and difficult situation for our family.)

ADOPTION STORY #5 Blessed Mom of 10

2010-01-26T15:29:00.006-05:00

Courtney and I share many things in common - the obvious many children, our love for Christ, homeschooling and a deep desire to be the voice for the voiceless. And the less obvious how touched we both were by Derek Loux' life. Her post this past week spoke so beautifully many of my feelings all wrapped up in one. I trust this will bless you!

Love is an ACTION word

I am going to be bold for a moment. Some of you may not like what I am going to say. That's okay. I am getting used to being unliked. There are just so many things on my heart these days and I feel like they need to be said. They keep me awake at night. And since the earthquake in Haiti and the death of Derek Loux, I have been moved to my very core. Bare with me while I try and put all of my swirling thoughts into some semblance of order.

Love is an action word.

Love doesn't sit idle.

Love doesn't stay where it is comfortable.

Love doesn't wait until there is enough money.

Or until all it's ducks are in a row.

Love doesn't need permission or approval from anyone.

Love doesn't worry about reputations.

Love doesn't weigh the cost or avoid sacrifice.

Love doesn't hunker down on the couch with remote in hand, feeling sorry for what it has just witnessed, but never doing a thing about it.

Love doesn't shrugs it's shoulders and let someone else do the work.

Love doesn't turn a blind eye because the problems are too deep and too wide to ever make a difference.

Love doesn't say "I'm not called".

Love is an action word.

Most people assume we are rich. They say things like "Oh you guys are just like Angelina and Brad". Um - yeah. Minus the 10 nannies, the private jets, the 7 mansions, the maids, cooks,the super model good looks, personal trainers..... oh and the MILLIONS upon MILLIONS of dollars. Yeah, we are just like them.

The honest truth is, we are usually broke. We live mostly paycheck to paycheck. We give away what is left. We rely on God to meet our needs. We have a nice life. Nothing extravagant. We have everything we could ever need. Our home is small. We wear hand me downs. And most of the world would consider us very rich. There are people who think we shouldn't be adopting. The fact is this. Whatever we can offer an orphan is going to be a million times better than what they would have had. Like a Mother and Father for example. Like a family.

We have went into every adoption with two pennies to rub together. We never had it ahead of time. And we have watched God provide it every single time. Some people don't agree with that either. They think if you don't have the money upfront, you shouldn't be adopting. It is baffling to me honestly. It is completely acceptable to raise money for breast cancer research. Or for the Humane Society. Yet raising money to give a child a family is not. There is nothing wrong with giving to those things, but you will never have the joy of seeing the direct outcome of where your money went. Each time we give to an adoption, we have the honor of seeing the child come home, united with their family. We get to see the joy in their eyes. We get to be apart of changing a life forever.

Love is an action word.

If you are an American and you are reading this on your own computer, you are far more privileged than most of the world. You are rich. Just think about it for a moment. You could have been born anywhere in the world. You could have been born in Haiti currently living in a tent. You could have been born in Africa, the 8th child to an HIV positive women who is dying and cannot feed you. You could have been born anywhere. But, you were born here. Have you ever asked yourself why?

I don't think it was so you could live in American suburbia your whole life, work to make yourself as comfortable as possible, retire in a lovely golf community in Florida , and then die. You were put here for a purpose. It is not an accident you were born into comfort and safety. It was not an accident you have more than most of the world.

When you come to the end of your life you will not regret what you did as much as you will regret what you didn't do.

Our lives weren't meant for comfort and safety. Jesus didn't come and buy a nice house in the suburbs, raise a family, and then die. He didn't sit back and wait for someone else to do something. He didn't shrug his shoulders while the rest of world was dying around him. He gave all that He had. He revolutionized this world. He forever changed religion. His life was marked with suffering and pain. He didn't seek comfort. He acted. He loved.

He was one man.

I am one woman. You are one person. Together we can put love into action. We can put our comfort aside and bury the American dream. Sure it may be hard. You might get hurt. You might not always be safe. You might lose everything. But, you will never regret it. Your life will never be boring. You will find the greatest joy you can ever imagine.

"faith without works is dead." James 2:20

Love is an action word.

Last night I stayed up watching Derek Loux's Memorial service. If you want to be inspired, I highly recommend watching it. What a life he led. I was so incredibly moved by how many lives he touched. He had an enormous heart for the orphan. In fact all over the room were photos of children that he directly helped to be adopted. No one mentioned what degree he held or how much money he made. No one said anything about how successful he was in his career. But over and over again, person after person, spoke of how he loved. I want my life to be like Derek's.

Before the earthquake there were 143 million orphans. That number has greatly risen in the past two weeks. Most of us, if we look around at our lives have the room and the resources for one more child. We can all fit one more. Even me. I can fit one more. I can feed, clothe, and love one more. And I already have ten.

Did you know that if only 7% of Christians took in one orphan, there would be no more orphans in the world?

Imagine a world without orphans.

People think adoption has become popular, fashionable even. That could not be further from the truth. I believe it is the product of an outcry of prayers from those of us who desire to see every orphan have a home. It is a movement in the body of Christ sparked by a spiritual awakening. It is so much more than saving a child's life. It is evangelism in it's very simplest form. Think about it. A child is taken into your home. He once lived in a place where the gospel was not preached. He lived in darkness and oppression. In your home he comes to understand salvation. Think of all of the lives that will be changed from his testimony. It is so much more than saving a life.

Supporting orphanages is not a solution. While orphanages serve a purpose, they do not solve the problem. God's best for a child is a family. A mother and a father. Not growing up in an orphanage. Most orphanages are over crowded. They turn away children because they cannot meet the need. And don't get me started on the foster care system. That is most certainly not a solution. Children need families. God's best for a child is not foster care or an orphanage. It is a family.

More now than ever before we need to come forward. We need to take action. We cannot stay silent and turn a blind eye. In the coming weeks, more and more Haitian orphans are going to need families. But, they aren't just in Haiti. They are in Russia, Africa, and right here in your city. They are all over the world. You can make room for one more. I am sure of it. If I can, you can too. This isn't about calling. This isn't about waiting until you have all of your ducks in a row. This is about taking action.

Love is an action word.

ADOPTION STORY #4

2010-01-13T10:06:00.008-05:00

This is a story that touches on the very reason I began this blog in the first place and how God can move mountains in our hearts and lives when we humble ourselves to the very calling He has placed upon our lives - easy, hard and impossible....because with Him all things are made possible! I am blessed to be friends with Nicole and I trust that her story will richly bless you.

A LONG real life blog post.

On 12/20 I posted the following story on No Hands But Ours:

In the Midst of Chaos

Recently there has been a lot of talk about the d-word. The big yucky word that no adoptive parent or professional wants to have to speak about: DISRUPTION. Recently I heard about 3 separate adoption disruptions which occurred just a few days after each family received their child in China. To hear about this was heartbreaking. And although we have never actually disrupted an adoption in China, we have walked through the chaos of receiving a child so sick, so grossly delayed, so not what we expected, so far from what we wanted…. that it was pure absolute gut-wrenching agony and chaos.

And that chaos immediately leads you to a state of panic where fear takes over and you question everything you were sure of just 24 hours BEFORE meeting this child.

And then you speak to yourself in absolute statements:
I can’t parent him.
His needs are too much.
His needs are overwhelming.
His care will tear our family apart.
This is not what we signed up for.

And you’re confused because just the day before you were floating on a cloud of anxious excitement dreaming about Gotcha Day. And now you are wondering how the heck we got to “this place”.

And then the guilt takes over:
I thought I was more loving.
I thought I could handle anything.
I thought I could parent any child placed before me.
I suck.

And then back to here again:
I can’t parent him.
His needs are too much.
His needs are overwhelming.
His care will tear our family apart.
This is not what we signed up for.

And please believe me that I am not making light of this at all. This is truth. This is what happened to us. But somewhere in the 2nd round of “I can’t parent him”, God took a hold of me. And I let Him. He reminded me that He doesn’t make mistakes. He is not surprised or perplexed. God ordained that specific boy to be our son.

“But GOD, did you see how he is acting? Did you see his delays? Did you see how sick he is and how he can’t even sit up? These aren’t “normal delays” God. It is clear there are many many things wrong with him and we…. Ok…. I can’t handle it. I can’t parent him. I can’t.”

And at that moment it was clear to me that I had a very serious decision to make.

I could stand in front of my husband, my guide and the Civil Affairs office and tell everyone how my heart and mind were feeling. How this was impossible. How his needs were far beyond anything we could deal with. And looking at Luke, all of these thoughts and feelings would have been accepted and validated by the guide and the Civil Affairs office. He WAS delayed. He WAS neglected. There were obviously many other things wrong with him. But there was that constant voice of God whispering to me. Whispering how this adoption was not a mistake. How this boy was a part of our family.

And I responded to God: “This is going to be a huge sacrifice for us God. A huge sacrifice for ME God and I don’t know what the heck I am doing! I’m not the person you *think* I am.“ And that’s the moment when He gently reminded me that this whole thing wasn’t about ME. It was about Luke. And most of all...it was about God.

On May 22, 2007 we signed the official paperwork in China to adopt our son Luke.

I firmly believe that the only reason that we came home with Luke was…. our belief in God. Because mentally and emotionally I was so stunned, so angry, so upset that I was not in the game. It is our belief that God doesn’t make mistakes. That He wants to bless us but it’s not about it being EASY or COMFORTABLE. It’s sometimes hard and painful. And this was painful. Lots of painful. Anyone following Luke’s story on our family blog knows that after 2.5 years of searching for a diagnosis, we finally received it. Luke has an Intellectual Disability. This was our worst case scenario that has become reality.

And even in my mind when I rewind to those painful days standing in the Civil Affairs office feeling conflicted, angry, resentful, deceived, hurt and sad…. even knowing what I know now…. I would STILL make the same choice over again.

Was it easy? No.
Was it scary? Yes.
Was I still conflicted in China even after we adopted him? Yes.
Was I sure we made the right decision months later? No.

But we did. And our God walked us through it. And He is still walking us through it.

All this is just to say that I know how hard it is to come to this crossroads…to have to make the hard decision whether to disrupt an adoption in China. I am just putting our story out there. Our chaos, our experience, our lives… so that if 1 person reads this and then experiences the questions, the confusion and the pain…. maybe that person can feel that they are not alone, that their feelings are validated and most of all that God is there to be the guide.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A few day after I posted this story my totally loverly neighbor came up to me and said “I read your post on No Hands But Ours. WOW! You are one gutsy woman to EMBARRASS yourself all over the ‘net!!!” Being that it was like 20 degrees below zero, I simply shook my head and mumbled “Ok, thank you?”, quickly opened my door and went inside. I sat for a while and reflected on her words. She touched a chord in me. And it didn’t feel very good.

A couple of days later a very close friend sent me an email saying how wonderful she thought the post was and then said a lot of nice things about me. Actually I got several emails and nice comments about my post. I reread my friend’s email several times. I imagined myself right back at the Civil Affairs office in Nanjing, standing there sweaty and confused and my stomach turned. My stomach turned at the thought of the nice things my friend had said about me. And then my fingers hit the keyboard as I responded.

Here is an excerpt from the email I sent back to her:

Thanks for your email. But the truth is... I don't feel like a good person. When I reflect on my thoughts and feelings while I was in China with Luke, all I think of is embarrassment for my thoughts, unmotherly for thinking about wanting to not adopt him, not at all fit for the work the Lord is having me do. I never thought I was that kind of person. I thought adoption was what God wanted me to do... I thought it was the specific job He gave me. So to wake up and realize that my heart and mind wasn't what I thought it was, that when the going appeared tough that I wanted to run the other way, that my first thoughts weren't about "what can I do to help this child" but about whether or not this person was going to end up as a "burden"... well, none of it really strikes me as anything good.

And there it is.

Am I embarrassed by my thoughts and feelings? In this instance, YES.

Because it was a time in my life where I thought I was more ________.

More loving.

More caring.

More empathetic.

More sympathetic.

More compassionate.

OK. I’ll stop right there. You get the picture.

Would I make that post again? YES. ABSOLUTELY yes. Emphatically YES.

Folks, Luke’s adoption process humbled me. And I had never thought I was prideful. I just thought I was using the heart that God gave me to do the work that He wanted me to do.
And I was.

But I was still brought to my knees.

And I was pulled away from everything I knew so that I was immediately dependent on…… HIM.

It wasn’t about how strong I was or what type of heart I thought I had.

Funny how God knows EXACTLY what you need, EXACTLY when you need it.

My God.

The one who chose me for the journey to Luke in the first place.

Regardless of how I feel about this post or any other post where I admit that I suck, I don’t have it all together, where I fail, where I am just plain trying to figure things out…..I’m just trying to KEEP IT REAL. I don’t think it does any good for me to pretend that everything is always fabulous. We struggle just like everyone else. We have highs and lows. And as an ordinary everyday woman who is a wife, mother, full-time working outside the home, kid herder, kid transporter, kisser of boo-boos, etc. etc. etc. I want to share and help and be helped by others. I have made such great friends by reaching out to other bloggers. I am willing to put “my stuff” out there. I am not trying to pretend that things are easy. I don’t want to tell a fake story here. I want to be real. I don’t have any issues in saying that I suck. So if I can post something about my life that touches or helps someone than that makes me feel good.

And that post… regardless of how embarrassing it was….. I still feel good about it.

ADOPTION STORY #3 a blessed Mom of 10

2010-01-01T14:59:00.002-05:00

A few days ago my dear friend "K" posted this on her family blog. We have been praying for each through 6 adoptions over the last two years. You will be blessed reading her story and learning how she lives by His grace to parent His children!

As I was reading the chapter on "demanding kids" in Sacred Parenting the other night I was really encouraged by his thoughts and thought I'd share here ... because I know that a lot of you have a/some demanding kids. Some of you have kids that have what the world would call an attachment disorder. Some of you have kids who were abused and don't know how to feel safe and so they make it miserable for you. I have one. I have a child who sees right and wrong ... and will usually choose wrong (not tonight, but I will get to that in a minute).... he self sabotages because he doesn't feel he deserves the love, the blessings, us (his parents). He is believing the lies of the enemy. Plain and simple. He can say all the right things (it's been drilled into his head! lol!) .... but his heart just isn't in the place where he is *fully* able to receive the love showered on him and choose behaviors because he loves/honors us. That's not what motivates him.

The author made the point that we don't parent these kids because we get something out of it (or any of our kids really - but not the particular point here)... we parent these kids because GOD ASKED US TO and out of reverence TO HIM.... not for ourselves. Through parenting demanding children, we also learn/perfect skills within ourselves that we wouldn't have been able to learn/perfect without this or that particular child. So I started thinking .... through parenting this child what have I learned that the other kids don't teach me/perfect in me (at least not as much).

Patience. Endurance. Courage. Physical strength I never knew I had. How to see something and call it out in someone. How to fall on my face and then get back up again. How to cry out to God ... and Him alone. Prayers of deliverance. How to seek the wisdom of God.

When I looked at that list I was thankful. It's not something I would choose to go through ... but He's asked me to. It's about living a surrendered life ... not a comfortable one. People often quote the quote "He's more concerned about my character than my comfort" ... and our kids can help perfect those character flaw in us can't they? (our spouses too! :)).

Two recent concrete examples ... a glimpse into my reality.

Example One:
Two weeks ago (the night Baby I had his brush with death) .... this child started on a "stealing rampage".... even in the middle of the night he'd get out of his bedroom, take stuff from the kitchen and eat it in his bed. The banana peels under his bed, cheese from the enchiladas and the chocolate cookie crumbs kinda gave him away :). Among the discipline he received was loosing snacks for X amount of days. Our kids are blessed with three snack times a day ... the key word there is BLESSED. Snacks are a blessing .... meals are mandatory :). Well, he continued to steal food any chance he got throughout the days (and he's FAST! lol!) that followed... from a noodle on the floor to a bowl of oatmeal left out on the counter. His heart was just not repentant is what it came down to. Christmas Eve, we sat down with him and expressed how sad we were that he had continued to steal food ... but we were going to give him a gift that Jesus (his birth was being celebrated the next day of course) gave us ... GRACE. We told him that he was going to get all his snacks back ... not because he earned it (heck no!) but because we wanted to show him in a tangible way what God's grace looked like. Well, not 30 minutes after we had that conversation (and he said all the right things) ... I came around the corner just in time to see him fly out of the kitchen with a big mouthful of something. He was trying to self sabotage ... he didn't think he should get this gift of grace and so he tried to get us to take it away again. We didn't. Instead he got a meeting with daddy :). Have I mentioned sometimes I feel like banging my head on the wall? Oh good.

Example Two:
Over the last two days, IH's parents have taken the oldest six swimming and out to eat at McDonalds (a huge treat). They have all come home with these (junk!) toys from the movie Avatar. I have NO idea what this movie is even about... but my first impressions weren't so hot! lol! Some of the kids came home with this dinosaur looking thing. Fine. However, the others came home with this blue demon looking "thing" that immediately repulsed me! Seriously. I talked with the kids casually about why I didn't really like that toy ... that it looked like a demon ... what did they think? They started pointing out it's "good features" ... one (it lights up!) ... but couldn't come up with anything else. I got up and kinda let them ponder that conversation looking at these "toys". A few minutes later, the child mentioned above, came over to me and said "Mom, you really don't like this toy huh?". I said, "No... I really think it looks like a demon and we all know demons are bad." He very matter-of-factly said, "Then I will just throw it away"... AND HE DID! This is a child who will SCREAM if I take anything of "his" away, if he gets one chip less than someone else, etc .... IT GAVE ME HOPE! God is like that isn't He? When you are in the trenches, trusting God and His plan for you/your child ... He sends you a little nugget called HOPE.

To all my readers living this life with me ... cling to HOPE. Choose to be THANKFUL (find SOMETHING!). And raise this child up FOR HIM. You may never get anything back in this life... but when you enter heaven you will get this "Well done good and faithful servant"..... and that's all we should need.

Redemption - Derek Loux

2009-12-29T15:19:00.001-05:00

Derek Loux wrote this during his adoption of three special needs boys from the Ukraine. (Remember that we began to pray for Derek's family two days before Christmas when he was killed in a car accident right before Christmas?) I shared with my prayer group these thoughts about Derek - HE WAS USED UP - LIVED UP - SERVED UP - LAUGHED UP - PRAISED UP - ALL FOR GOD's GLORY! And his life is not complete at all - what he left behind will live on for generations!

Love - Jill
Who still cries reading any word Derek wrote or listening to a word he spoke - because his obedience and trust in God MOVES ME!

He wrote this about four months ago...

Renee and I are sitting in the office of a telephone company in Novagrad Valenski, Ukraine; using wireless internet. We are in the middle of adopting three special needs boys from an orphanage here. Two of the boys have Down Syndrome. Roman is high functioning, energetic, and happy; Dimitri has serious mental retardation, failure to thrive, and though he is five years old, he is the size of a 1 yr old. He has sores on his face, a distinct smell of death on him, and yells out if we try to do anything with him other than hold him. Because he has less ability to respond and learn, he naturally gets less attention and care from the orphanage workers in this world of limited resources. The harsh reality of the "survival of the fittest" principle is a life and death struggle that this little boy is losing fast. Our third boy Sasha, is a brilliant six year old who has Spina Bifida (the condition our son Josiah died from in 1996). He is like a learning sponge that can't get enough! He is happy and alert and thirsty for knowledge and experience. So with two of our boys we get an immediate return on any investment we make. With Dimitri, there's not much immediate gratification. In fact, it's unknown when and if there will be a return at all. This is the kind of situation that makes the carnal, fallen, human reasoning think, "Why try? What's the point? What will this produce? What good will this do? Why not select a boy who has more "potential"? This looks like a lost cause".

Two days ago we drove for hours into the Ukrainian countryside to the village where Dimitri was born. We met with officials there and signed papers and answered their questions. We also went and saw Dimitri's house. The day had been long, we were still recovering from jet lag, I was beginning to really miss my six daughters at home and all the familiar things our fragile human hearts entangle themselves with in feeble attempts to feel secure. Sitting in the dark on our very long drive back to Novograd that night, the Holy Spirit began to whisper to my heart, and new understanding about redemption began to take shape.

I was thinking, "Man, adopting this little boy has been so much work. This is exhausting, expensive, uncomfortable ... and it doesn't feel very rewarding right now." What am I doing in some little Soviet car in the dark, in the middle of rural Ukraine in frozen December, as the driver dodges cats and potholes? What if Dimitri doesn't improve at all? What if we get "nothing" out of this? … Ahhh, there it was; that dark, fallen, unreedemed, selfish human love, rooted in the tree of the knowledge of "good and evil". The love the Greeks called "erao" love. The love where we treat someone as precious and treasured for what we can get out of it. This is unlike "agapeo" love, the God kind of love that treats someone as treasured and precious for their good, not for my good. It's when I love a person in order to meet their needs, having no expectation of them meeting any of my needs. At a whole new level, God is working His kind of love into my weak heart, and He's using little Dimitri to do it.

On the drive home that night, the Lord whispered in my ear, "This is Redemption. Derek, do you know how far I travelled to get you and bring you back? I had to be separated from my Son, in order to get you, just like you are separated from your children in order to get these boys. Do you know how expensive it was for Me to purchase you? It cost me everything. Do you know how broken, sick, damaged, twisted, dirty, smelly, and hopeless you were? And at the end of it all, you had nothing to give me or add to me. I did it for you. I emptied myself and became nothing so that you could have it all. This is redemption.

My friends, adoption is redemption. It's costly, exhausting, expensive, and outrageous. Buying back lives costs so much. When God set out to redeem us, it killed Him. And when He redeems us, we can't even really appreciate or comprehend it, just like Dimitri will never comprehend or fully appreciate what is about to happen to him … but … he will live in the fruit of it. As his Daddy, I will never expect him to understand all of this or even to thank me. I just want to watch him live in the benefits of my love and experience the joys of being an heir in my family. This is how our heavenly "Papa" feels towards us.

Today, settle your busy heart down and rest in the benefits of redemption. Enjoy the fruits of His goodness, and stop trying to "pay Him back". You'll never get close you goofy little kid.

ADOPTION STORY #2

2009-12-01T11:33:00.001-05:00

Our adoption story began years ago when I was a little girl. Growing up with my parents being pastors we often had missionaries in our home. They would share their slide show pictures of the people that they ministered to – those pictures often included orphans. Their faces were permanently etched on my heart at a young age.

Jeff and I met while we were seniors in High School. When we were dating we talked about adopting but, that subject didn’t come up again for many years.

After our 3rd child Hannah was born I was pretty sure we were done having children. Hannah was born prematurely; it was a difficult pregnancy forcing us to make the choice to have my tubes tied during her delivery.

When Hannah was in 1st grade I felt the Holy Spirit speaking to my heart that we would have more children. I believed that God to do anything so I fully expected to get pregnant even though it would be a miracle if it happened. When it didn’t happen month after month I finally confided in a friend about what I felt like the Holy Spirit was speaking to my heart and she said “Maybe He wants you to adopt”. That was a light bulb moment. I went to the library and began checking out books about adoption. There were so many choices, it was confusing. At that time we began attending a new small group. What are the chances that we would start attending a group that had 4 adoptive families?

During that time in our lives I worked the mornings at our business. One morning I just happened to be home and just happened to turn on a Christian TV show. What was it about? Orphan girls in China! I cried through the whole program and knew at that moment that we had a daughter in China. My mom came from KC for a visit a couple weeks later and I shared with her about what was stirring in my heart. She gave me a copy of the Readers Digest that she read on the plane on the way here and specifically a story about a couple adopting a little girl from Korea. The agency featured in the article was Holt International in Oregon. I called the agency and they sent us a packet of information.

Now, I have to tell you that my husband thought I was CRAZY!! All of our kids were in school full-time. Even though he didn’t feel the call to adopt like I did he honored what God had put on my heart and said “yes”. We submitted our preliminary application to Holt and they responded pretty quickly. They said that they would love to work with our family but, would like us to consider the Philippines instead of China because we did not fit China’s criteria. At that time China’s guidelines were you had to be at least 35 years old and childless. We were neither. We said that we would pray about it and called them a couple of days later and said that we felt strongly that we had a daughter in China and to please submit our dossier. They did and a couple of months later we got a call that we were matched with a 14 month old healthy little girl. 3 months later my friend Nancy and I traveled to China to bring Beth home. We were in a travel group with 9 other families and have stayed connected with them since.

Our meeting day in China was full of wild emotions. Here was this little girl that I had never met and I was so in love with her. I had never held her, I had never comforted her, I had never fed her but, she was still mine. That is when my knowledge of God’s love for me grew from head knowledge to heart knowledge. We were told that when we went to register at the province office that day that some babies had come in on the train so to make sure that we brought our bags and gifts. Sure enough when we pulled up I saw Beth in her foster mom’s arms. We were told we couldn’t go right up to the children we had to wait for the formal introduction. It was pure joy to hold Beth for the first time. Her foster mom told her “your mama” as she handed her to me. I was of course crying. Beth was so worried bless her heart. Her life was about to change forever and she didn’t know that it would be for the better. Her life in China is all that she knew and she loved her foster mom. Part of me felt a little guilty taking her from her homeland. After all the interviews were done and it was time to go Beth was back in her foster moms arms. Her foster mom indicated to me that she wanted to walk me to the van and then she would give her to me then. We didn’t speak the same language but, we understood each other just fine. Sure enough when we got to the van the foster mom placed her in my arms. I scooted over to the far window with Beth in my lap and the foster mom came around to that side of the van and put her hand up to the window. Beth then placed her hand to the window to mirror her foster mom – they were both sobbing. There was not a dry eye in the van at this time.

It took several days to see Beth smile. She was so sad and would cry whenever I would set her down. I didn’t even know that she could walk for the first week. Little by little she became more comfortable with me as her mommy. Trust is a tough road sometimes when your life is turned upside down.

Shortly after Beth came home we realized that we would need to adopt an asian sibling for Beth. If you asked Beth what color of eyes or hair she had, she would answer blue and blonde. She wanted to fit in and she didn’t like all of the attention she got when we went out and about. We started praying about the possibility of adopting again. One night when Jeff and I were praying together – not adoption related God gave me a picture in my mind. In the picture was a group of Asian people in a parade. I could see that they were carrying a sign in the distance but, couldn’t read it. They were dancing and happy as they carried this sign. As they drew closer in my mind I could read the sign. It said “Abigail is from Korea”. Now is that an answer to prayer or what? The very next day we went to the agency and submitted our Application – it was July 2006. We were #4 on the list for a girl. We got a call at the end of August that they had a referral for us – a baby girl born the end of July.

Now, I have to go back and tell you a story that happened during our wait for Beth’s referral. I had a dream. In the dream I was holding a little Asian girl and she had a casting on her left leg like she had a club foot. I fully expected that Beth would be a special needs referral with a club foot and was disappointed that my dream didn’t come true. I told my pastor’s wife about it and she said “oh, that is your next little one”. What? I couldn’t even think of adopting again while we were still waiting for Beth. So I forgot about that.

When they called to tell us about our referral from Korea they said that there was a little problem with the baby. She had a club left foot. I about dropped the phone. It was a no brainer if we were going to say “yes” or not to this baby. God had clearly led us to Korea and had clearly given me a picture of a baby with a club foot. We did say yes and sign the paperwork that day and Abby came home right before Thanksgiving. She had a positional deformity that corrected itself. God used that dream to confirm His plan once again for our family.

When Abby turned 1 I started getting that feeling again. That feeling that someone was missing. How can it be that you have 5 children and you feel like someone is missing? I don’t know how to even put it into words. Once again God started confirming our steps by giving us pictures of an African American boy to both Jeff and I. One morning during Praise and Worship at church God gave me a picture of our family and in that picture was not only an AA boy but, an AA girl. You know I didn’t even share that with Jeff right away because I thought he just might pack up a bag and run away. I am kind of kidding and kind of serious about that. :) We inquired about a sibling set of two boys in St.Louis. They were 4 and 1 and were AA. Their case worker was very firm that she wanted them to be placed with an AA family. We ahead and sent our homestudy. We inquired weekly about them. Then one day we got a call about an infant baby in Florida – would we be interested? We said “yes”. Logan came home just before he turned 1 month old. What a handsome, handsome little guy. He had the deepest cries – you could hardly hear him.

When Logan was 2 years old he started asking for an AA brother. Everyone wants to have someone that they look like in the family. So once again we began the homestudy process and were requesting an infant boy. We submitted our homestudy to several agencies in the south and east coast. We were matched with a birthmom in Florida. As time went on we found out that she was expecting a girl. We decided to name her Jillian. We got a call from our agency when she went into labor and they asked us to book our flights to arrive the next day. The next morning we got a call that said “don’t come”. The birthfather’s mom had come to the hospital and said she wanted the baby. That caused the birthmom to leave the hospital with the baby and therefore we weren’t going to be able to adopt this baby. I was heart broken and cried for days!!!! During the next few months we got many, many calls about babies that were about to be born and were we interested. We said “yes” every time but, by the next day the birthmom or family had changed their minds. Then one day we got a call about an infant girl in Tennessee. Her parental rights had been terminated and could we come and get her in a few days. OF COURSE we said. That was our Jillian. Yes, there was heart ache in this process. It is hard to get yourself emotionally involved and committed and then have it not work out. It was worth it though.

During this time we had been in contact with an orphanage in Haiti. Haiti had never been an option for us because they were very particular about larger families. Then we heard about a window of opportunity for large families to adopt from Haiti. The orphanage that Jeff had been to on a missions trip said that they would work with us. We asked for a boy over the age of one and Luke David was who they had in mind for us. David (Daveed) as he was called in Haiti was born HIV positive. His birthmom died shortly after his birth and his birth father and grandmother could not take care of him. He came into care at 2 months old weighing only 4 lbs. He reverted to HIV negative before he turned 15 months old. Thank you Lord!!! We committed to adopt him and it took until he was 3 years old before he came home. It was a long wait!!!!! It was a tough transition for all of us. Luke didn’t understand safety or boundaries and it just nearly wore me out physically, emotionally and spiritually.

Once again – when I was minding my own business the Lord started speaking to me again about adopting. Specifically adopting a child with Down Syndrome. “What, I said, you cannot be serious. I cannot parent a child with Down Syndrome.” He responded quickly to my heart with “You are right, you can’t but, I can”. I still wasn’t convinced at that point but, He gently and firmly confirmed His will for us in this journey.

Some many things happened that we were sure that God had confirmed we were to proceed and seek a child with DS to adopt.

Everywhere I went I would run into a family with a child with DS. It was almost comical. Or the time I picked up a devotional and on that day was a special story about a young man with DS. Or the day that I helped the children carry Christmas packages into their school and have a little girl I have NEVER seen before come running up to me saying “Look at this picture. This is my cousin and he has down syndrome”. Seriously what are the chances? Right then and there I looked up into the sky and said “Okay, Lord I got it”

A couple of weeks later we were sent a profile of a little girl in Hong Kong. She was 4 months old. Jeff was getting ready to go on a weekend away by himself and I gave him the packet. They didn’t have a picture yet but, I knew in my heart she was ours. Jeff came home from his weekend and said “no”. I was sad that he didn’t say yes but, the Holy Spirit told me not to call the agency but, just to wait. Through the next week the Holy Spirit confirmed in Jeff’s heart that Zinnia was to be another flower in our garden. Zinnia came home when she was 14 months old. Has it been challenging to adopt a child with DS? Yes. God has been faithful to bring mentors, respite care providers and therapists into our lives to help Zinnia thrive and grow.

God will confirm and lead you according to His will if we ask him!!!

Kari, mom of 9 – ages 6 – 28 yrs old

Be sure to check out Kari's blog Welcome Child - Adoption/Orphan Care Ministry

ADOPTION STORY #1

2009-11-28T22:33:00.002-05:00

When we first started this journey, we knew that it was going to be full of struggles and love. One of the struggles was the financial issues, the fact that many people doubted that the adoption would go through, and the long wait during each phase.

When I first received our referral I know instantly that I was looking at my new son. I was deeply in love with him and carried his picture everywhere. My parents framed his picture and put it up all over their house. It was a very joyous event. We were overcome with the joy of being new parents again. As we did not pass court the 1st and 2nd time, we were crushed thinking that he had to spend more time away from us, but were thrilled when we finally did pass. The bitter sweet thoughts of how this boy was coming into our home were at times hard to process. A little boy had lost both his biological parents in order to join our family. The lack of food was so great that his aunt decided she had to do something for his well-being. This was all very emotional to think about, as we were joyously preparing our house for our new son.

I read many books about attachment, and the history of Ethiopia. I went to Ethiopia with very low expectations of our first meeting. I felt that he was going to be angry, not want to be with us, and from what I read, that he may not talk for 3 months as he learned the language. However, our little guy was different. He was picking up English the first day we were together, and he was very eager to learn.

In Ethiopia, our son was given free reign, if he cried, one of the adults around would come and take him out of my arms and whisper things to him. I felt very sad that the people were losing a child, but I knew that we were adopting for the right reasons, so I let it go until we got home.

It was a hard transition, as he was used to getting all that he wanted. I did the bonding process with him, where I carried him around for 6 to 8 weeks most of the day. We fed him and took him back to infancy. Visiting relatives were less than pleased and thought that I should let him run around like a 'normal' 2 1/2 year old. When we gave in to this constant pressure the bonding process was taken back by many steps. It was very obvious. I wish that I had the backbone to say this is what he needs, you can play with him next year when you fly in. But that was not in the cards, so we made the best of it, and I prolonged the pouch time.

During those 1st 8 weeks, we had our ups and downs. I was very happy with our new son, yet I was the only one who received the brunt of his anger and frustration. I think that he was very confused that at first he was given everything he wanted, and then I started to set gentle boundaries. He would rebel in many ways, when we were together alone. When my older son was around, when we were at the store, when we were on walks and especially when my husband came home he was a model toddler. Everyone would exclaim that he was so adorable and sweet, loving and kind. Although he was all of these things, he did not choose to show me these qualities. He was either comfortable enough to be very angry with me, or he just plane focused his anger on me, during his transition. The hard thing was feeling very alone, as during the day he was a biting, hitting, kicking screaming boy who would run away from me. When the rest of my family would return he turned on the charm. Those long eyelashes would charm anyone, unless you had been hit and bit all through the day.

As time went on and I began feeling that he was attaching to the family, I started to use Love and Logic principals. That helped both my son and I more than I can say. We developed a sense of who was actually the person who was 'in charge' and my life changed. I think that I had to wait that period of time so that he knew I would be there for his every need, but then, I needed to begin setting the rules in our house in a clear way...

Now that we are 4 months into our relationship, he is truly sad when he cries, he is not just trying to make me angry (most of the time), he does not hide our food and toys (most days) and he has stopped saying that kisses are yucky. I think that he has started to bond and that is a good feeling. I have my ups and downs...I love him dearly, but I am so concerned with teaching him about being gentle that sometimes I feel like his teacher, not his mommy. That is one of my struggles. I love him and I know that we will make progress everyday, as I sit here and watch him giggle with my other son in a fun game of nerf football. But the road is long and slow. Early on I tried to keep in mind that he was not a burden (a great piece of advice from a friend), and that has helped. He is a gift not a burden, even if it is so hard at times that I don't know what to do.

Mom of 2, 7 yr old bio son and 2.5 yr old adopted son

Our Adoption Story

2009-11-26T20:59:00.001-05:00

I spoke up about disruption on our family blog here and here - emotions were very high after reading both of these posts. I truly believe we NEED to bring the truth of adoption to light. So the parents can feel "normal", not alone and supported and stop living in fear of judgment! Parenting is tough enough let alone bringing a child who has been abandoned, rejected, neglected, abused, living a major portion of their lives in an orphanage or foster care into your home - and let's just say for the record they are NOT eagerly waiting you like you are them. So you bring home this hurting child - especially if they are over the age of 6 months old. But what happens when you the parent doesn't feel the love or attachment for this broken child - what then?

I applaud you! I am going to begin a series of these posts and would love to ask your permission to share your stories without names or any identity.

This TOPIC MUST be discussed and be brought out from the darkness of shame.

I have my own heart ache to share and with a happy ending - it took three years to see it - but God worked a miracle in my heart and our sons. He will be home 3 yrs in two weeks and let's just say this little boy has given me a run for my money. He will be 6 yrs old. We met him when he was 2 in Guatemala. He did NOT attach to me nor did he want anything to do with me from the moment we met him. That was how he came home. He only wanted my husband - who goes to work all day long. We had already brought home our youngest son at the time who was 10 months old from Guatemala. We had our two birth daughters and here I was with a son who wanted nothing to do with me day in and day out. Not only that he was very disobedient and mean to me. It was horrible. Slowly walls of mine came back from a less than stellar childhood and I began to protect my heart from him and didn't care that we were not close.

I was not pleasing God by my attitude or actions. I was not making things better between our son and me either. I was making things bad in my marriage because my husband felt pulled between him and me all of the time. I was miserable and you know the saying "if Momma aint happy no one is happy." Well that was very true here. I had good days for sure but felt very alone and had it not been for one friend going through a horrific challenge with her newly adopted daughter I would have thought I was the only terrible, horrific Mommy out there that didn't love or like her son.

I cried myself to sleep more nights than I can remember. I was sad and broken. I wanted things to change but really I wasn't willing to change to see the change I wanted. I was too busy wanting him to be the son I had wanted vs the little broken boy he was. I didn't want a hurt child that was rejecting me. I wanted to be loved like our other children did with me. I didn't like fighting with him day in and day out. I didn't like trying to figure out how to get him to behave. I didn't like trying to figure out how to get him to attach to me. It was exhausting. Shamefully I wanted out many times but God would NEVER let me out that easy and nor would my husband. Thank GOD that never happened. I thank God daily that I listened to His truth and not the lies that were filling my head about this little boy and how horrible I was.

Now imagine that God was bringing another daughter into our home during this- her adoption was a nightmare. Her past let's just say it was HARD. She was going to need lots of my attention - how was I going to give her that on top of what was going on with our son. I had no clue but was willing to follow where God led us.

She came home - my issues with our son got better for a little while and then exploded to the worst ever. I didn't know what to do and wanted him out of the house and not home all day like the other children that I home school. I wanted to have a break. But Scott and God would NOT allow that either. The constant whispering in my ear was, "you are his mother - love on him." I heard those words every day and yet I didn't feel love and surely didn't feel like his mother. A babysitter at best was how I felt. This was even after him being here for two solid years - when was this nightmare going to be over. I need this to stop I kept thinking. I need a break.

No, what I needed was a serious heart change. And one was going to come whether I liked it or not. Meanwhile, God brought two more children into our home and wow were they a great big transition -Noah came home right before our daughter from Guatemala with the hard past. Then literally 6 months later his bio sister came home as well. Then we began our newest sons adoption from Ethiopia all the while my heart was broken into a million pieces that my oldest son and I still had not developed a bond. I was scared to bring another son into our home that was meeting my husband first and what if he didn't like me either? What if he wouldn't attach to me because of his past too? Please God help me. Was my daily prayer. (note: Our son from Ethiopia and I had an immediate bond and we are very close. All the other adoptions had small transitions and issues but none like the one story I am sharing with you.)

I cried myself to sleep more nights than I didn't. I begged and pleaded with God to change me. I stopped asking for our son to be different and one day I woke up with a heart ready to love him not for anything he did or because he was going to behave that day - it was because I wanted to do it...for God.

Well, let me end this very long post with the most precious story. Today we made a thankful chain of leaves to hang in our kitchen. Our son was asked what he would like to write on his leaves. First, was thank you for the moon, stars and God. Second, was thank You God for bringing me here to this home with Mommy from Guatemala.

Every ounce of hardness possibly left in my heart was wiped out in an instant. That young man who was once angry and filled with the darkest look in his empty eyes - NOW is full of life, love and joy! There is no greater joy than to know every hard day and the years of work were not only worth it and I would do it all over again to have the son I do today. I am a different woman than I was two years ago. I don't even recognize her and my heart is so full of love for this little boy that it is hard to believe just nine months ago I was still trying to figure out how I would get through another day with him not liking me. When I stopped being so unlikable -he became more lovable.

I wish it didn't take me so long to listen to my husband and God. But I know it was the perfect plan to get me, us and our family where we are today. Our home is so full of laughter and love. We have 8 children - soon to be 9 - and with every child comes a new period of transition - new challenges and more needs - yet by His grace we are able to meet every one of them! We need to go in without needing an out - because there will be times and adoptions of any child over the age of 2 sometimes younger that are HARD. But working at it diligently with love, grace and mercy - the situation will get better. Love is a choice. And often takes time.

Take off the rose colored glasses and leave behind the dream of a white picket fence - and give yourself the time needed to fall in love with the child coming into your home – that will one day take over your entire heart!

With much respect for all of you who have given your hearts and homes to the often forgotten and least of these! I commend you!

We are in this together and I am here to support you all who struggle or have struggled with attachment - either on the childs side or yours. There needs to be no shame. I wish I knew that three years ago and it might have saved me and our son a lot of heartache.

Please if you are willing to share your story openly or anonymously email me. You would be surprised to hear how many are living in secret, carrying this pain alone!

Blessings to you all - wishing you all a truly love filled Thanksgiving. We have much to be thankful for!