Depression is a bitch. Personally, I’ve been dealing with it on and off for at least 16 years. Possibly more. While I’m not in the deep throes of depression, and my visits there are extremely rare (probably only 2-3 times in my life), it is still something I deal with sometimes on a daily or even hourly basis.

And it’s not like manic-depressive of any kind, it can be a slow developing thing that you don’t even realize you’ve slipped back into it until you find yourself day after day not wanting to do anything but hide in bed. And then, ever so slowly, you find something to be happy about. Or the even stranger experience, feeling something like happiness while you’re depressed. It’s hard to describe, but if you’ve experienced it you know what I’m talking about.

Sometimes getting through the day-to-day is hard. But here are a few tips I’ve found that have helped me, get through when I realize I’m slipping.

#1) Realize your emotions are valid. You’re upset. And being upset is ok. You’re allowed to cry. You’re allowed to want to be alone. However, you cannot let these emotions take the reigns.

#2) Recognize what’s going on. Why are you upset? What’s the real reason? Is it because your clothes don’t fit? Or because you have self-esteem issues? What caused those self-esteem issues? Dig deep. It’s going to hurt for a little bit. But I’ve found exercising my rational mind has helped me survive more bad days than not.

Getting to the root of it, and acknowledging that pain can really help you build the tools and methods you need to heel and start living a happier life.

#3) Develop tangible coping methods. What’s in your daily arsenal to put you in a better mood and to allow you to release whatever it is that has a hold of your life right now.

I journal. Or, I used to. I could fill notebook upon notebook of everything that was going on in my head. Good and bad. Most of it was bad. But I let it all out.

I call my mom. God bless that woman. My mom has a fairly rational mind. She’s able to help me navigate through the wibbly-wobbly mess that is my emotional brain. I’m about to talk things out with her, and she lets me do a lot of the talking and guides me towards the solutions that I didn’t even know I knew. But having that person that I know I can talk to regardless of what’s going on, it’s priceless. Granted, make sure the person is willing to take on that burden. Because it is a burden for them, but someone who truly loves you will help carry that and has their own methods for coping with how they help you. And that means when you’re well enough, you’ve got to pay it forward and help too. Luckily for humanity, there are people out there who do this professionally and there is no shame in seeking them out.

I find music that makes me happy. Especially for smaller matters, I just need to clear my mind of everything going on. There’s just certain music that really helps. For me, most of the time it’s Mucca. But yes, I went through my emo phase where I cry-sang my little heart out with my iPod in my bedroom.

I develop calming rituals. Sometimes it’s just a breathing exercise. Other times it’s laying on the floor with my eyes closed. Last summer it was going to the beach and putting my feet in the lake. Currently? Counting. On my commute I’ll count pick up trucks on Lake Shore Drive. I’ll count the seconds of traffic lights. Or I’ll just start counting to 60 and starting again. I’ve found this also helps with any anxiety too.

#4) Breathe. Seriously. This is important. Stop what you’re doing and take a deep breath in and out. Slowly. Repeat as needed. You may think the world is collapsing around you, but you need to stop and freeze yourself, your thoughts, and just breathe. Go back to #2 and #3 and get to the root of the issue. It won’t be easy. A lot of our small bad days are tied to BIG issues, but keep taking these small steps and you’ll be surprised at how far you’ve really gone.

How do you cope with mild depression? Share your favorite (or current) methods to getting back onto a path of happiness.

Never be afraid to ask for help, no matter the mildness or severity of what you’re going through. I know it sounds cliche, but seriously, you are never truly alone. Ever.

If you’re dealing with more than just mild depression, please please please seek out the help you need.  Suicide Prevention Services of America is one resource. As is Depression Help Guide. If you need to talk to someone, call 1-800-273-8255. Here’s a list of other numbers to call if you need help.

» One month away from being 29. (23 days)

» Recovering from a tough week.

» Waiting for a phone call to schedule my laparoscopic surgery.

» I found a really good online support group for endo. (email me if you want the link!)

» Realizing I have to be serious about cutting out dairy (ie: no cheese) and being careful with caffeine (ie: even less chocolate).

» Realizing some of my hermit habits are coming back.

» Just signed up for a 30-day Sugar Detox. CRAZY. (You should join.)

» Really eager for tour season and traveling this summer with my favorite people ever.

» Can’t believe my little sister is going to college this fall! (one down, 3 more to go)

» 12 months of no hair cuts. I have no idea what to do with hair other than put it in a ponytail.

» I’ve spent an embarrassing amount on comic books and am now forbidding myself to buy any more until at least June, and then it’ll be on a strict budget.

All right. What are YOU up to currently?

When it comes to the whole “follow your passions” thing, I am completely impatient. I get frustrated because I know what I want, but I’m not there yet.

Yes, yes, I know. I just have to work hard and stick with it. I’ll get there. Eventually.

We seem to be inundated and bombarded with messages telling us we need to be following our passions, and that we can do anything that we want to. We see people with what seems like these glamorous lives that they’ve build for themselves. They make it seem so easy.

And then here we are, feeling completely stuck, wondering if it’s us who’s the problem holding us back from this amazing lifestyle that is beyond anything we could have dreamed of…

Honestly? We kind of are our own problem.

I’ve been holding myself back for years. And I’ve run through every single excuse there possibly is: not enough money, not enough time, I’m stressed, I’m scared, I’m depressed, I don’t want to leave Chicago, I’m not good enough, I don’t have enough experience, I don’t know where to start… I make excuse after excuse and just settle for mediocrity. I settle for just ok.

It’s time I held myself accountable. I took a good and solid first step when I enrolled at U of C’s Writer’s Studio. And I know taking this quarter off isn’t helping me right now. (Though it was the move that had to be made at that time.) But there are more steps I have to take, and need to take, if I’m going to see this through.

1) I’m finally scheduling my surgery. My health interferes too much and I need to take care of it. I’m not going to just “deal with it” because of some small chance it might come back. I’m scheduling my surgery, and I’m scheduling it before tour season starts.

2) I’m giving myself the training I need. The Writer’s Studio is to hold me accountable to practicing my craft. But I also want to get back in to, and further develop my skills in layout design. So I’m teaching myself how to format for ePub with InDesign CS6.

3) I’m going to start sketching. And not being all crazy because I’m not some amazingly talented artist that I think I should be. Or worry about not having the right sketch books or pencils or whatever.

4) I’m going to find a way to tackle and take care of certain stresses in my life. I’m tired of having my anxiety and depression be so off the wall that I’m either too zapped or too afraid to be creative. I haven’t written in 3 weeks. I should be writing daily, and I can let things hold me back any more.

It’s not going to be an easy road, but it’s one I have to take. No more bullshit holding me back. No more me holding me back.

I’ve been single for about two years now. It’s not terribly a big deal. But over the course of the last few months, I’ve been facing this internal battle. I want to date, and eventually get into a relationship, but I won’t let myself.

It’s been a real jumble of emotions. A lot of it has been caused by low self-esteem, rather than this singleness causing the low self-esteem. I guess that’s a sign of maturity, right?

Most of the self-esteem issues have stemmed from my endometriosis. It’s one of those symptoms they don’t really tell you about. Having any sort of physically romantic life just isn’t something that excites me half the time because of the pain or the bloating or some other stupid symptom. I can generally push through most days, but I’ve got to tell you: I don’t feel sexy. And honestly, there are some days when I just want to be invisible. I don’t want anyone to find me attractive without my approval of it ahead of time. (I know, issues much?)

And then there’s always that fear that I’m going to open myself up again to someone, they’ll change their mind out of no where, they’ll move on and hook up with someone else (and then bam, get pregnant and are on their way to a happy little family).* I’m over the people from my past, but not necessary what happened. And some of those “whats” are haunting more more than I’d like.

I know, I truly know, that this is all temporary. That one day the things in my past will no longer get to be in control. I make light of it when I can, I’ve dealt with depression before and know I can beat it. There’s some guy out there who’s going to be so amazing I’ll probably cry for feeling so lucky. But for right now, I don’t know if I’m ready for that in my life. It’d be nice, yes. But it’s just hard for me to see that there’s someone out there willing to put up with this.

All I can really do is remind myself to be open to possibilities, and just not worry about it as best as possible. I have to be, and thankfully am, ok with being alone. These demons won’t control me forever.

*Seriously, this happened last year.

Well, I didn’t think it would happen. But Internet, I’m hooked on comics.

Ok, so I knew the possibility was there, I already read and love graphic novels, but serious… I’m reading a super hero comic and I am really getting into it.

My prior knowledge was really minimal, and definitely not based on first-hand reading. But I knew comics were all about overly muscled men, and hyper sexualized women. A lot of fighting of bad guys. I don’t mind action films, but I have to be in the mood for them. And reading action and fighting? Ugh. Just didn’t sound exciting at all.

So I did a little research and tried to find a series that would be a nice introduction to super heroes, but not be too terribly offensive gender-wise. And I seriously dislike lumping all comics into this stereotype and prejudice. I really do. Because I knew then, and know now that wasn’t completely the case. But so much of this gender shaming and slut calling from the comic world that I’d heard about really did mar opinion of this enter industry.

Anyway. Enter the series: Birds of Prey. It’s a comic about female super heros (mainly Oracle — formerly Batgirl, Black Canary, and Huntress). Upon a reviewer recommendation, I decided to start with the story arc “Of Like Minds” — which is where Gail Simone takes over as writer. I figure, hey, it’s a chick writing about chicks, can’t be too offensive, right?

20 issues into it and yeah, I’m completely wrapped up in the story. Buying issue after issue. Now, yeah, it’s drawn in the tradition super hero-ish way. And yes, I do find myself rolling my eyes at it. Pretty much every issue. But still. I keep reading it. I’m actually probably going to pick up the New 52: Batgirl because Simone is also writing that one too.

Now. My comic library is filling up, and it’s with more than just Birds of Prey issues. I’ve read the first 6 issues of Girls — the reviews seemed good, but I’m still on the fence about the series. I’m really not finding much character depth yet, and I’m not sure how many more issues I want to invest in until I supposedly get there. And yes, there’s naked chicks gallor in this, but when people said it was done in a non-exploitive way, it got me curious.

I’ve also started Y: The Last Man, which I’m finding pretty intriguing and enjoyable.

Titles that I’m looking into/have sitting and waiting for me:
Mouse Guard
Fables
Fairest
Anathema
Bandette
Cyberforce (currently free on Comixology)
Kill Shakespeare
Lady Mechanika
Locke & Key
The Manhattan Projects
The New Avengers
The October Girl
RASL
Saga
The Walking Dead

And I also have to admit, most of those are because Comixology offered a free issue. While I do want to venture into a brick & mortar comic book store, Comixology has been amazing as far as getting into books. I was trying to find some of these titles online (either through Amazon or local/regional comic book stores), and wasn’t having much luck. Then I remembered Comixology’s booth at C2E2 and people talking about it, and yeah. I’m loving it. However, it’s way too easy to just buy the next issue when all you have to do is click a button and put in your password. Most issues are $1.99, but not all.

Anyway. I’m enjoying my new nerdy obsession and looking forward to exploring even more titles.

Read comics? Share more suggestions! What should I read? What do you love? Avoid comics — tell me why!

Also: Follow me on Facebook so we can talk about comics (and food stuff and relationship stuff and writing stuff)!

I’ve been wanting to change my eating habits for a long while now. It’s been a really hard road. I feel like it shouldn’t be, but it is. (I mean, even right now as I type this, there’s a Red Robin commercial playing showing all of their burgers AND I WANT TO EAT THEM ALL.)

But I know I can’t continue to just eat the way I have been: not balanced, a lot of snacks, too much take-out and delivery. I’m a midwestern American through and through in regards to my stomach. Give me fried, gravy covered, meat & potatoes, all swimming in cheese, with a side of more cheese and chips with french onion dip. Milk with every single meal. If I could get away with it, I’d continue to eat like that now. I love it.

We’ve talked about some of this before, while I love all my comfort and connivence foods, I need to change my diet because my health is suffering, partially for it. If I don’t change my habits, I’m going to continue gaining weight, continue being bloated, continue being in physical as well as emotional pain. I can’t do it any more. I have to make this change.

But I’ve been thinking so much of “can’t have that” or “less of this”… reduce, reduce, remove. I’ve been weighing myself down with so many restrictions. (And as I’ve said before, I hate this. So much.) I’d been planning on a super basic cleanse. Eliminating a lot from my diet for two weeks and seeing how I feel. Simple, but the thought of removing all these “comforts” was stressing me out. And then I got an email, perfectly timed, from Nicole.*

You know what sucks? Feeling deprived. You know what else sucks? Keeping a mental tally of all the foods you “can’t eat” because they’re “bad.” Ugh, that’s the worst, isn’t it? So, instead, one of the things I’ve been doing lately is to pick one food per week and just focus on eating more of it. Think: dietary additions instead of subtractions. This week it’s spinach, which means I’m adding an extra handful of it to my green smoothies, sautéing it with garlic and olive oil for dinner, throwing some on my vegan pizza at lunch, etc. It’s so much easier (and more fun!) to focus on adding more of the foods you want to eat instead of constantly stressing about the foods you want to avoid. Also, I find it much easier to eventually phase foods out when I’m already filling my meal plan with delicious and nutritionally satisfying things.

I knew I wanted to eat more healthy foods. But I had mainly been thinking about it in terms of what I couldn’t eat any more. No more dairy. Little-to-no gluten. Little-to-no processed foods. No more carbonated beverages. Little-to-no alcohol. No more soy.** Little-to-no red meat. Little-to-no eggs. Little-to-no refined sugars. No more non-organic, free range meats. I mean, at that point I begin wondering what I can eat. (We’ve heard this song and dance from me before.)

But Nicole’s email was a great smack in the head of “STOP BUILDING ANXIETIES ABOUT FOOD, DUMMY!” I want to eat more healthy foods, so what I need to do is add those in. Switching the focus onto good additions rather than stressing out over what I can’t have. Eventually this stuff will start to balance out, or at least that’s my hope.

So today, while I’m still hoping to remove some things just for 2 weeks, I’m looking at it more as “how can I challenge myself to eat more veggies this week?” Starting off by walking my butt down to Whole Foods and making myself a kick-ass loaded-up salad for lunch. Hold the cheese.

*This was from her newsletter, not something she specifically has written just for me. (Though when I have reached out to her for help, she’s been freaking fantastic.)
**I can still do soy sauce, fermented soy is apparently ok — although I don’t know about tofu, so I’m just going to play it safe and say no. But soy sauce still in moderation, and low sodium.

As you know, this past weekend I joined thousands of other nerds at C2E2. And exactly as you could predict, I love it. Every nerdy, foot-numbing second of it.

Highlights:

» Hanging out with my friend CB throughout the con. While I bought my ticket alone, it was nice meeting up with CB and having someone to walk around with. Plus, CB is a professional photographer, so I didn’t have to deal with my anxiety of asking people for pics — which yes, I know 99.9% are happy to do so. Not to mention, his photos are better.

» This happened:

Ignore my bad acting and awkward face, please.

» And this also happened:

And yes, I squealed a little. Full on fangirl squealed. She’s so freaking nice. And pretty.

» Meeting cool artists. I didn’t find someone to partner with, but I’m not necessarily worried about that. I’m just going to focus on writing. I did however me A LOT of really talented artists.

» So much cosplay. Seriously. People are freaking creative (and brave). One of my absolute favorites: a tiny little girl on Sunday who was dressed up like a weeping angel. Adorable and scary.

I was really looking forward to the panels, but only made it to two. With the setup the way it was, the rooms were pretty small and unless you camped out all day, it was harder to get into the later panels. Hopefully next year they’ll fix that problem.

Since I spent almost all of my time on the showroom floor, of course I was going to buy stuff. I ended up with 5 books (3 Jeffrey Brown, Kabuki Vol 1, Doctor Who*, Mouse Guard: The Black Axe, and a joke book for my niece), a Strong Female Character shirt, Doctor Who tote, and a whole lot of vinyl figures. Like seriously, I have a new obsession/collection. I also got some gifts for friends too.

Mostly, the thing I got was a rejuvenated nerdness. I just want to explore everything. There were so many worlds and stories represented there at C2E2, and so many more out there just waiting. I’m still confused my super heros, and not sure where to start or if I really want to… But, I’m going to give it a shot. I’ve got a couple titles I’m going to start with, and I’m just going to take it from there.

It’s a whole new nerdy world. And I couldn’t be happier.

I’m probably always going to feel a little apprehensive about some of this just because I’m female. It’s a shame, but I know myself and I won’t let it stop me. There has been a big shift in the culture, a bigger awareness of the issue. But between my gender and my short-term memory on story details, well, I’m sure I’ll get the “fake geek girl” label thrown at me at least once. I didn’t feel that at C2E2, and I’m hoping that most if not all the women there could agree.

Regardless, I’m going to continue loving what I love. Going to continue exploring. Going to continue enjoying it. Because being a nerd is awesome, and if you don’t believe me, believe Wil Wheaton.

*I thought I was buying Series 1 Volume 1, but apparently I got Series 3. Oops.

Some people are really surprised when they find out I’ve never really been to a comic con. And really, before last year I was confused by their confusion — I don’t read comics*, therefore why would I go? Also, the thought of that many people geeking out in a confined space was a little intimidating.

C2E2 is considered the major comic con/nerd-fest of Chicago. I attended a “smaller” con last year with a friend for a work project. (Her’s not mine.) And this year, as much as I’m going for all the nerdy-glory, I’m also sort of going for a work thing of my own. But more on that later.

What I’m looking forward to at C2E2…

» Panels. I sort of really love panels. The ones I’m really looking forward to are the ones on writing, and the digital future of comics/graphic novel.

» Felicia Day.

» The costumes/cosplay. While I’m not into it personally, I’m all for fandom and creativity. And some people have some amazing outfits. The people watching is going to be pretty great.

» Finding new books to read. Be they comics or graphic novels. I’m not opposed to reading comics, I just haven’t found one that speaks to me as a reader. But there are tons out there, so I’m sure I’ll find something.

» An acquaintance‘s boyfriend is a writer for DC. I met him at our mutual friend‘s wedding last fall, and knew he was into comics, but didn’t know this is what they meant. He’s speaking on a few panels and will have a table in the artist alley. I’m looking forward to saying hey to both of them.

» Another acquaintance is an independent writer, and he and an illustrator that I met at the last con will be there. So, again, looking forward to saying hey to both of them.

» Meeting writers and illustrators. So that pseudo-work thing I mentioned? This is it. I’ve been wanting to do some graphic novels, and really, some graphic short stories for a long while now. So I want to build relationships with people in this community. I’d be really awesome to find a mentor, and even more amazing to find a potential illustrator to work with.

» Let’s be honet… nerdy guys.

Some things I’m sort of nervous about…

» I’m going alone. I mean, I’ll know some people there. (Like 4-6 people in a vast sea of nerds.) But most of the day it’ll just be me walking around on my own.

» That whole debate about being nerdy enough. I mean, it’s a lot of BS. Everyone’s a nerd in their own way. Just because I don’t read comics doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate them. I don’t know a lot about super heros, it’s not my genre. And no, I can’t recite off a long episode history or a plethora of trivia facts. As a writer, I try to keep other people’s worlds and characters from getting lodged in my mind because I need space to create my own. It doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate their work any less. I just suck at quoting shows and books and movies. And none of this has to do with the fact that I’m female.

» Practical things like spending too much money, food, what I’m going to wear, making sure I don’t kill my feet with poor shoe choices, backpack vs. skirt issues…

Overall, I’m really excited about this weekend. Looking forward to branching out and learning more about things I’ve been curious about but haven’t gotten into. It’s going to be a fun three days of nerdiness.

Are you going to C2E2? Have you gone to a con before? Share your thoughts and stories! And for those of you going who see me wandering around, feel free to say hi!

I’ll be tweeting and instagraming the whole weekend, so be sure to check it out! It’s @myadorkablelife on both accounts.

*I do read, and love, graphic novels though. General first-person historical narratives or memoir-ish. So it’s not a far stretch from comics, but as mentioned, super heros aren’t my genre so I haven’t gotten into them. Yet.

Last week I made a really hard decision. There wasn’t a question presented in front of me, forcing me to make a choice. But it’s one that I feel is probably going to be for the best, despite how much I hate the decision I made.

As of last Tuesday, I’m taking a leave from the University of Chicago.

It’s just for the quarter, but well, it means I won’t finish my workshop requirements until the fall. Or really, the end of the fall term. I’ll start my tutorial in January 2014. As to when I’ll finish everything up? Some time after that. (I’m still sort of confused about how long the tutorial is… I think it’s a quarter and half…)

The decision was hard to make. But I was fairly certain, given my health and everything else going on, that I wouldn’t be able to keep up with the chapters of reading, plus short stories to read, plus reading and critiquing my peers’ work in margin notes and a written review, as well as keep up with my own writing and prepping for a paper and presentation on an element of craft. The course would absolutely be great had it been my first quarter. But for my final workshop, I want to focus primarily on my writing, and less on the craft of writing elements that we go over every single quarter. (Luckily the past workshop realized there were no new students and we focused on writing and pushing our work.)

I’ll admit, you really never stop studying craft. Especially the more you read. But it was primarily the workload that I couldn’t take. I knew I wouldn’t be able to produce the quality of work I knew I was capable of. It wasn’t fair to me, or the rest of the class.

Last week, my first night out of class, I sat and had a pity party for myself. It probably included sushi. It definitely included me throwing one of my text books across the room. Obviously, I’m handling my frustration and disappointment well.

I promised myself after officially withdrawing, that I would still continue to work on my writing. Taking this many months off from writing would not do me any good. However, as I searched for a possible replacement workshop, I couldn’t really find any. So I’m on my own to hold myself accountable for producing work.

I’m rethinking my writing goals. Rather than in terms of hours—something that generally stressing me out and has me looking more at the clock than the pages before me—I’m setting goals of quantity. This weekend I got a good first-page start on my novel. (Sometimes, even if you know the story, you don’t know exactly how it should start.) And I also wrote a new short story for my collection/final project. (So now there are 5 stories.) My next goal is to revisit a story of mine about a radio and work on that one. From there it’s just writing, writing, and more writing. Pressing on.

For the first time in a really long time, I’m not letting myself get caught up with distractions or other obligations. I’m not letting writing get moved to the back burner. It’s going to stay right up in front where it belongs.

Breathe in. Breathe out. Release.

This has sort of been an unofficial mantra of mine for a long time now. I think it came about sort of as an adapted joke from Dharma and Greg and it just stuck because it sort of works.

I don’t practice yoga. Nor do I consider myself a hippy or New Age-y at all. But there is some absolute truth in just pausing for a second and just letting things go. The easiest ones are the small things—you know, that whole don’t sweat the small stuff mentality. But there are some times when bigger things are out of our control and we just have to stop and let it go. Mourn if you need to, but at some point, you must release.