However, this is not really about being extraordinary… or a woman, for that matter.

Last year, in an exchange, I was called “an extraordinary woman” by a person and in a context that triggered some unresolved issues in me, and I got inspired to write this article.

You see, one of the compliments I get most frequently is that I’m special – or something along those lines. Even when people use “weird” or “crazy” instead of “special”, it’s still with some sort of admiration or envy, depending on where they are in their own lives and in their psyche.

When I was very young, and not exactly in touch or harmony with myself, I cherished this compliment. “Great! They see my individuality,” I thought. But, a few years down the line, as I started going deeper into psychology and spirituality, I had to face the real issue: what exactly were they seeing in me? What did special mean to them? And, how was their idea of me relating to my authentic self?

By exploring those questions and their many nuanced answers, I came to painful but liberating truths about myself, the people in my life, and people in general. So, I started caring less and less about what people thought of me – bad or good. Here’s a part of what I learned, illustrated with bits of my experience.

When someone asserts something about you, your ego will take it personally. It will either accept it as true or rebel against it, but it will do its job and make it all about you. The ego is focused individuality. It guards and enforces our boundaries, our sense of separation, our identity as an individual. (More about the ego, loneliness, narcissism and other interesting things soon.)

When people said that I was special, my young ego was happy – it had received validation. It was I who was special, other people recognized that in me, the perimeter of my identity was defined.

However, being told you’re special and telling someone they are special are different viewpoints. The observed and the observer do not relate to the issue in the same way. But they both relate to it.

My young ego was preoccupied with itself. It didn’t have (yet) the poise and the confidence to consider other people’s egos. And everybody has one, and each one of us operates to a certain degree from the ego. People also have a natural inclination toward the relatable, the familiar. They need new and unusual things to freshen various aspects of themselves and their lives, but, ultimately, they fall back on the comfort of familiarity.

Being special is not familiar – that’s basically its definition. Thus, people will not generally choose something special unless it has enough familiarity in other aspects. And the key word here is “enough”, which is not a quantifiable variable.

In my own experience, being special meant that (some) people couldn’t quite relate to me. They just separated themselves from me. I wanted connection, but they focused on the contrast, and that made it difficult/impossible for them to connect, even though most of them truly admired whatever they saw as different in me.

Most of the times close people distanced themselves from me, the main theme was my uncommonness and their inability to deal with it. It manifested in all sorts of relationships, and I even got the strange experience of seeing a few of my exes chose new girlfriends who resembled me but were “safe” and relatable in other ways. One of those men, after months of saying he had been waiting for me all his life, eventually told me that there was no way I could be real – and it was not said or meant as a compliment. I already was in a place of knowing and owning myself, so it didn’t hurt, but it was disappointing, since I was real, interested in him, and open to being in love.

It was people who praised my talent and intelligence that were unavailable to me when I needed help. It was people who swore they loved me that left me when I needed them the most. I had one person say “I believe in you, but I can’t do anything for you” with tears in their eyes. They also said it terrified them that I was unlike anyone else. It was surreal. I didn’t know what to think, I thought my ears were betraying me, and I’m not even going to start about what I felt.

People keep you at a distance when they think you’re different. Even if you’re close, there is just enough space between you for fears and insecurities to creep in. In arguments, some of these people would throw self-deprecating remarks or they would imply that I thought I was above them, even though I had never suggested that. I’ve been told “you think you’re so special”, “you always have to be different”, “who do you think you are to step out of line” and so on. It was as if they were arguing with their mental constructions and projections, on the other side of a thick glass wall.

And the funny (as in strange) thing was that I used to have very low self-esteem. I didn’t want to stand out. Sometimes, I would even imitate people in an effort to blend in. It was a very weird, uncomfortable and disappointing thing to do, but, back in the day, I used to have a very strange relationship with myself and the world. Thankfully, I’ve worked through and out of that.

I’m not writing this to vent or to merely talk about myself. My intention is to inspire you to build bridges, especially towards those dearest to you that you “just don’t get”.

Seeing someone as special, different, “extraordinary”, as my friend said, creates blind spots. You tend to miss important parts of that person. And I’m not talking about some sort of brilliance you have trouble wrapping your head around, but the mundane aspects of their life, the relatable plain and boring part, their basic human needs even.

“Extraordinary” people are often lonely and misunderstood. People have a warped vision of who you truly are. They don’t understand that you’re simply more in tune with a source of inspiration. They don’t understand that maybe you’re more passionate, dedicated and/or clear about things that interest you. They may not understand that what sets you apart is a special goal that requires uncommon priorities and habits. Heck, what they call special in you might simply be the result of persistent hard work.

“Extraordinary” people are often criticized in their personal circles. Your schedule is weird, your hours too long, you forget to call back, you can’t be that busy, you should take it easier, you’re too sad, you’re too optimistic, you’re unrealistic, you’re too focused, you’re late, you’re early, and so on and so forth.

I don’t know about other special people, but what I wanted the most from my close ones was for them to shut up and hold me (article coming soon), and, occasionally, show love in practical, tangible ways.

If you truly think someone is special, call them, write them a note, cook for them, whatever, but do something. Telling someone they’re special without making them feel special is empty praise. Sometimes, the right contribution you could have in another person’s life is different than the one you imagine. Making someone feel special comes in the most unoriginal forms, and all it requires is an investment, usually of time and attention.

And here is the second point I wanted to make.

What does “special” mean in the relationship between two people? Don’t we choose to make other people special? Doesn’t our choice and investment single them out and give them a special place in our lives and hearts? Ultimately, it’s not about how special we are related to social standards but to the people in our lives.

If someone has invited you into their life, you’re special to them, you bring them something they need/want. It may be something you think is dull, or maybe it’s something you don’t even see in yourself. Maybe you don’t get them because you separate yourself from them by thinking they are too different. Maybe you wonder what you could bring to their life that they cannot find somewhere else. However, that “little” you have to offer might be a lot for them, and just what they need.

You shouldn’t stress about what you don’t understand about them. Learn if they want to teach, teach if they want to learn, or simply focus on common ground, share and be present.

So, take that math wiz out for a walk, treat that creative to dinner, share a laugh, play a game, listen, talk, enjoy yourself and rest assured that, by doing that, you’re special to them. And that’s the true meaning of being special: enriching someone’s life.

No Promises

I set your pride on fire,
Rattle your secrets to light,
Dissect your demons alive,
Spin you inside out,
Until, exhausted by change,
Sick of remembering,
All you are is life.

Anything less is a waste of time,
A copy of a copy of a copy,
Not you,
Not I.

Just let go,
Let yourself fall,
No guarantees or promises,
More than trust,
I want pure surrender,
Only then will you know my true nature:
Tomb or savior.

Warld

We, the emancipated people of the new millennium,
Who work to upgrade weapons, not to get rid of guns,
We condemn swords and axes, barbarous ancestors,
Spreading our modern values to biological bombs,
We patch a thousand definitions to justify a war,
And, when it comes to killing, we add a thousand more
On pillars of brilliant minds selling for pride
Evidence that life can’t be crushed without life.

So pick your god of choice or birth,
Wrap yourself in your flag and kiss the earth,
It is your privilege and your right
To step into webs of lies.
In sharp orders and blurred blessings,
You’re given a cause to validate endings.
Convinced that your country needs your sacrifice,
That it will tuck your children safe at night,
You spread further the fire,
And death starts in your heart.

The march covers their cries,
A medal in your son’s hand is the prize,
Praised the courage of the corpse,
Honor to mourning and loss.

The boy with a piece of metal in exchange for a dad,
Will open his hand again only to throw a grenade.

“Warld” is included in “Ashes of the Past”, a collection of poetry available in print and Kindle format.

When we are young, we look up to older people. In fact, the younger we are the more we idealize older age. Most kids can hardly wait to grow up and do all the things they are not able or simply allowed to do. We listen to older siblings, parents, teachers, because they are the source of answers to our early questions, and also because the outcome of our actions tends to validate their advice (and lectures). But, as we gain experience and develop confidence in our opinions, we start thinking we know pretty much all there is to know about life. And, next thing you know, you’ve become that know-it-all senior so inflexible in their ways they reject (almost) anything new, fresh, and young.

The demarcation between adolescence and adulthood is a biology-supported social convention. Once we turn 18, we’re legally adults, but this boundary has never prevented a child from being mature or an adult from being immature. The truth of the matter is that life is perpetual movement and change, and everybody is trying their best to navigate this ocean. The fact that we don’t always agree with, approve of, or simply understand each other doesn’t mean we’re not doing what we momentarily think is best in our individual situations – and, yes, that includes our stupidest mistakes.

Adult life is a source of infinite topics of debate and there are numerous articles that list all kinds of facts no one tells you about being an adult. Some are shallow, some deeper, and some are just silly. For example, having to buy your own toilet paper as an adult is a no-brainer no one tells you about because they don’t doubt your basic intelligence. It is somewhat disappointing to find such a fact listed as one of the surprises of adult life.

I thought I’d discuss three more complex issues that are seldom debated before or even after one reaches adulthood. Each of these issues are bigger pictures and have numerous ramifications. By understanding the broader context, details will be easier to tackle. Here we go.

1. People assume you’re properly instructed for life

Given that some of us apparently need to be told to add toilet paper to a shopping list, the assumption that we’re instructed for life is false. Joke aside, even if you have received all the education (curricular and extracurricular) your environment could provide, you still need practice.

We grow up rather sheltered. Most of us are provided with a place to live, food, hygiene and health care, basic education, and many amenities of the modern world. We have to deal with a minimal amount of issues, and there are many aspects of life that don’t even get discussed while we’re growing up.

It’s not much of a surprise that a 20-something is going to make lots of “mistakes” – it’s part of learning. The surprise comes when you realize there is little guidance available once you’re on your own in the “real world”. You’re out of school and no one is getting paid to correct your grammar and spelling anymore. You mess up at your job, and you probably get fired, not educated to do better. You try to make dinner but don’t know how to cook or use appliances, and end up setting the kitchen on fire –  not even in “The Sims” did the fireman always show up fast enough.

There are books, coaches, counselors, therapists, and all other sorts of more or less expensive tools and professionals that can help you in life. There is also a lot of great information available for free. Still, in order to make something of it, you have to want to help yourself first. We basically have huge demand and supply of support and education, but no one to force-feed it to us anymore.

Once we’re adults, most other people do not feel any responsibility or drive to assist us in navigating through life. They have their own lives to tackle. Few people truly have the will AND the knowledge to constructively point out things you could improve about yourself or your life. Most don’t care or know enough, and some simply enjoy laughing at other people’s mistakes. Some people will treat you as if you’re out of time to learn, throwing a “what have you done up to this age?” in your face. Some may simply lack patience. Some are too busy or too tired. Usually, it is a combination of these.

People who offer constructive criticism, good advice and/or help are golden. Treasure them!

2. Milestones are conventional

This one is tricky, because most of these milestones are sneaked into our psyche early on in our childhood. Family and teachers present them as the natural order of life. To some extent, they are rooted in the axioms of human biology, in the natural cycle of birth, growth, aging, and eventual death each of us embodies. They also represent what society needs for perpetuation. The foundation of the human timeline is almost impossible to argue against. The timeline itself is a normative fabrication, though.

There is no easy, comfortable way to realizing this. Lifting this thin but distorting veil on our eyes comes with turmoil, and is one of the most profound disruptions of perception, as well as one of the most liberating – after the hurt, frustration, horror, and disorientation are cleared up.

I know, because I’ve been there. Here’s an example. One of life’s milestones is having children, and it is incontestably set by biological limitations. A woman’s fertility is limited in time, and her best chances at healthy successful pregnancy are in her twenties. I’m in my thirties, have never been pregnant, and my odds of bearing children decrease each year. But it is my choice – not a comfortable choice, not one that a lot of people agree with, and certainly not one I made on a whim. For reasons I am going to discuss in the future, I do not wish to have biological children (and prefer to adopt). Was it a scary thought process and emotional journey? Yes. Unlike other milestones, this one has an expiration date, is very important, and has quite a few implications. Knowing you might regret not doing things “at their time” makes you take introspection very seriously and ask yourself all the hard questions.

The fact that the majority of people abide by the “normal” milestones is not enough to make you happy by going the same route. Missing out on milestones might hurt you only if you buy into the popular belief that you don’t have to miss them. “You’ll regret it,” some often say when trying to convince you to go the conventional way. However, they never seem to tell you that you may very well end up regretting going for those goals you were told you should chase.

This doesn’t mean you have to go against everything you’re told you should do. My point is that the choice is yours and so is the responsibility. The road that is your own is unmarked. You mark it with what is important to you, what fulfills you, but also with your mistakes, lessons, and regrets. Nobody but you can identify with precision what it is that you need in this life, what you want, what path you should choose. Sometimes, you yourself are clueless about these things. Unexpected life-altering experiences may force you to redefine yourself and your life someday. These valid possibilities and realities of life set you up for failure in the conventional timeline of human existence, because there is no place for them in that blueprint. But they are real, and when you have to deal with an accident or an illness that discontinues every aspect of your life, the milestones show their irrelevance. If the conventional milestones implemented early in our brains were natural, deviation from them would endanger or even end our life – but life doesn’t end if you don’t get married by the time you’re 40.

Exploring life step by step, being totally honest with yourself, paying attention to your inner voice, developing a lucid practical analytical mind, continuously educating yourself, are safer bets and more natural routes in life than just doing what everybody else seems to do and scare you into.

3. You get to choose what is important

Can you remember the time you didn’t have any clue what the word importance meant, that time before the adults in your childhood told you what was important? Remember how riding your bike felt much more important than doing homework? Soon, homework became more important because the consequences of not doing it were constricting and unpleasant. From that point on, our notion of importance gets corrupted by outside interference, and we are mislead into thinking that higher authorities decide (and often impose) what is important. We also learn to evaluate the importance of things based on projected rewards or punishments. The biggest problem with all this is that many of us end up feeling overpowered and helpless over how we should design our own lives, and, as a consequence, we allow external factors and entities to dictate our choices – directly or indirectly.

In reality, each moment of each day is an opportunity to detect, decide, and implement what is important to you. If you don’t do it consciously, you might be swept away into things that are important to others, but not to you. The goal is to establish a good balance, a healthy intersection of values and satisfaction with the outer world.

It may not always be obvious or easy to identify what is important to you. Follow where your attention, time, and other resources flow. Your investments and priorities reflect what you need and think is important – and some of those things might be well hidden or disguised.

Importance in itself is meaningless. It resides in the impact of the subject. Timing matters, too. The importance of showing up for work on Monday morning is way higher than on Saturday night… unless you work weekend nights. Urgency boosts importance, as well. If a plumbing pipe cracks and water spurts in your kitchen, it’s important to tend to it immediately. In that situation, any other activity goes down the importance scale.

We have the tendency to think that we’re universally right about what is important, but what is important to you, may very well not be of any interest to someone else, and vice versa. There is always some person, group, or institution ready and eager to harness you to their own interests. If you are clear about your values and priorities, if you know what is important to you, your adult life will turn out fine.

Bottom line: be grateful and happy for the support you receive in your adult life, live and appreciate your own story, and contribute to what is important to you.

Want to go on a road trip? Clear skies and endless fields may seem discouraging on a torrid day, but this is just a photo blog post, so… you’ll only feel as much thermal discomfort as your current environment provides you.

Earlier this summer, I went to the city I should call my hometown, four years after my last visit. The journey included a long car ride through rural and urban Romania, and, despite being more preoccupied with how my cat felt (it was his first travel experience), I managed to snap a few photos. Here are some of them.

For factual recollection, we’ll imagine the air conditioning is off, the car windows are down, our hair is a mess, and we’re feeling young and alive.

Summer by the highway

Green and yellow fields under a clear blue sky

Future wine and cornmeal

Oh, look, we’re not alone!

That short moment when the sky was partly cloudy

Aaand the sky is clear again above hills and fields

I regret not stopping to take a better picture of this scene

But we did stop at a few traffic lights, and this urban poetry unfolded before my camera

Fields, as far as eyes can see

This next picture of a few people waiting for the bus is from the same trip, and I already posted it on Instagram. You can always follow me there for a glimpse into Adriland – it’s a nice place, come visit!

A post shared by Adriana Popovici (@adrianachronique) on Jul 24, 2017 at 12:54pm PDT

Thank you for joining me on this virtual road trip!

Nonetheless, I confess that I’ve admired Mr. Trump’s confidence for a long time now. Going in public and talking in superlative terms about your life and achievements takes courage and self-esteem. Many people would feel ridiculous, embarrassed, ashamed, and even guilty for what they would consider boasting. The only sources of comfort left for that frame of mind are humble bragging and/or other people’s approval and praise. We all need to feel good about ourselves in order to be truly happy, and counting on feedback from others is risky gambling. People have their own issues, plus, whatever they think or say about you is influenced by factors that are totally unrelated to you, such as upbringing, preconceptions, feelings, or even moods. From that perspective, I find Donald Trump inspiring. A successful person asserting their achievements and gifts is a reminder to straighten your back and start counting your blessings. Too bad so many people prefer plunging into criticism instead.

Even if you hate Trump, keep in mind that he is a symbol of American success, the kind of success that has a consistent entertainment component, he has the notoriety and persona to attract massive amounts of disapproval and hate, so he needs a big ego to carry on. The average person does not need to go the full Trump confidence model.

At this point, you may wrongly think I’m a fan of Trump’s. This article is not a praise, but a reminder to reconsider who and what you praise.

When the final choice for the presidency of (a country such as) the United States of America is reduced to Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump, one must wake up and start questioning politics, the media, but, most of all, one’s own beliefs. The charade is increasingly blatant. Discussing and comparing candidates has only polarized and poisoned the general public, and it is distressing to see personas overshadowing the common good. Aren’t we all in this together? Evidently not, since the journey to the top is about persuading the electorate that one vision is better than another, instead of (at least) trying to synergize and truly serve the people. The electorate is generally made of well-meaning people who care about their lives and communities, people who deserve more than heated debates on the character and qualifications of the few who have the privilege to star in the electoral tragicomedy. This is not a beauty pageant or a wrestling match and it mustn’t be treated as such, for the stakes are much higher and directly impact the general population. People deserve debates that lead to solutions to their problems, and the fact that politics require gimmicks to draw and keep attention reveals its carrot on a stick philosophy.

If after the 2016 US elections (highly publicized and debated worldwide), you can’t see the nature of contemporary politics… don’t worry, it will get worse, until there’s no way around the fact that change is imminent. Future presidential elections will probably bring forward candidates less and less suited for the role, and one day the head of state might as well be President Camacho – a character from the movie “Idiocracy”, not so surprisingly a former professional wrestler. Hopefully, we’ll change our minds and our lives sooner rather than later.

This does not concern only the US. Profound change is needed all around the world, and it’s not merely political. The political system is only one of the many obsolete systems that need transformation or abolition. The more we resist change, the rougher the transition. Shouting in the streets “we are the people, governments should fear/serve us” doesn’t help as much as some think anymore, because it means you’re asking THEM (authorities) to validate YOUR power. We already have that power. They always say that your vote counts during the elections, but, in reality, we are voting every moment of our lives. The way you choose to think, speak and act every day is what really counts, that is the impact you truly have on this world. And we’re back to confidence, self-esteem, and courage – the confidence that you can think for yourself, the self-esteem to be the best version of yourself, and the courage to live your truth.

The way this world is going to change is ultimately the collective attitude we have toward life. Will our choices be guided by wisdom or fear?

Daniel and I have always wanted pets, and we temporarily took care of a few, but the long-term commitment was too challenging and didn’t seem to fit into our plans and lifestyle yet, therefore we postponed getting a pet. Moreover, we only considered rescues, looking for mutual attraction and a magical element of “meant to be”. In these circumstances, when a dirty kitten abandoned by the road acted as if he had known us forever, we made room for him, because it was… meant to be.

We named him Kara Bey (Turkish for Sir Black), initially thought he was female, and the more I get to know him, the more surprised I am to find how closely he resembles the cat of our dreams. Well, one of them, at least.

For almost a week now he’s been my main focus. My routines are seriously affected, my schedule on hold, we don’t get enough sleep, must move into a house more suitable for pets, and so on, but it all dissolves into the joy he brought into our life. It will work out somehow, hopefully for the long run.

Hay hi to Kara, you’ll be seeing more of him soon.

I’ll get back to the series on Romanian communist prisons as soon as possible. I’ve produced enough DIY cat toys during the weekend to keep Kara entertained while he’s awake, so I might get back on track

Do you want to change the world? So did I… until I understood that the world is perfect as it is. “Perfect” doesn’t mean that the world is wonderful beyond any need for change – that is simply not true, for a variety of reasons. The perfection of the world resides in its perpetual gravitation towards balance.

So, if the world takes care of itself, our efforts to change it are in vain… Not at all. Aren’t we part of this world? It changes, we change. We change, it changes. It really is that simple.

In our quest for (what each of us considers) a better world, some of us become too assertive, loud, violent, even destructive, totally oblivious to the balance that is always restoring itself, and problems expand and diversify. Whoever wants to live in a different world should plant the seeds of change wisely, taking into account that each cause has an effect, and by sowing wind one can only reap whirlwind.

If you can envision a generally peaceful, prosperous, joyful world, here are some words that may inspire us to take the right steps in our desired direction

When you call yourself an Indian or a Muslim or a Christian or a European, or anything else, you are being violent. Do you see why it is violent? Because you are separating yourself from the rest of mankind. When you separate yourself by belief, by nationality, by tradition, it breeds violence. So a man who is seeking to understand violence does not belong to any country, to any religion, to any political party or partial system; he is concerned with the total understanding of mankind.

Jiddu Krishnamurti

I’m sorry, but I don’t want to be an emperor. That’s not my business. I don’t want to rule or conquer anyone. I should like to help everyone, if possible, Jew, gentile, black man, white. We all want to help one another. Human beings are like that. We want to live by each other’s happiness — not by each other’s misery. We don’t want to hate and despise one another.

In this world there is room for everyone. And the good earth is rich and can provide for everyone. The way of life can be free and beautiful, but we have lost the way. Greed has poisoned men’s souls, has barricaded the world with hate, has goose-stepped us into misery and bloodshed. We have developed speed, but we have shut ourselves in. Machinery that gives abundance has left us in want. Our knowledge has made us cynical. Our cleverness, hard and unkind. We think too much and feel too little. More than machinery we need humanity. More than cleverness we need kindness and gentleness. Without these qualities, life will be violent and all will be lost.

The aeroplane and the radio have brought us closer together. The very nature of these inventions cries out for the goodness in men, cries out for universal brotherhood, for the unity of us all.

[…]

Charlie Chaplin, “The Great Dictator”, The Barber’s speech

When one is not understood one should as a rule lower one’s voice, because when one really speaks loudly enough and is not heard, it is because people do not want to hear. One had better begin to mutter to oneself, then they get curious.

Carl Gustav Jung, “Nietzsche’s Zarathustra”

Overcoming poverty is not a task of charity, it is an act of justice. Like Slavery and Apartheid, poverty is not natural. It is man-made and it can be overcome and eradicated by the actions of human beings. Sometimes it falls on a generation to be great. YOU can be that great generation. Let your greatness blossom.

Nelson Mandela

Do you want to improve the world?
I don’t think it can be done.

The world is sacred.
It can’t be improved.
If you tamper with it, you’ll ruin it.
If you treat it like an object, you’ll lose it.

There is a time for being ahead,
a time for being behind;
a time for being in motion,
a time for being at rest;
a time for being vigorous,
a time for being exhausted;
a time for being safe,
a time for being in danger.

The Master sees things as they are,
without trying to control them.
She lets them go their own way,
and resides at the center of the circle.

Lao Tzu, “Tao Te Ching”

Peace & inspiration!

“Black” is part of “Ashes of the Past”, a collection of poems written between the years 2002 and 2007. Enjoy!