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My thoughts go in this direction today because I just saw a little girl, perhaps 7 years old, fall down onto her bare knees while walking with her mom on a flat sidewalk. Her cries made my heart ache for her and her loss of being that perfect, unscathed seven-year-old with no scars.

I’ve struggled for a long time with perfectionism in the aftermath of losing my perfection. Which may have happened once when I was playing in the woods on a small Maine island and my legs got covered in scratches. According to a story my father loved to tell me, I looked down at my legs, started crying and said “now I’m not perfect anymore.”

It might have been lost when I was three and my parents went thru a dramatic split that had me shuttled all over the place, stolen back and forth from each other. That was when I was a three year old who didn’t open [the weekly] presents [that came in the mail] anymore, according to my short term foster mother slash aunt.

Or perhaps it occurred that time I said “Hey guys, watch this!” to my aunts, uncles and grandparents as I attempted to do a perfect pirouette on double bladed ice skates the very first time I ever went ice skating. I pretty much got their attention to watch me fall on my butt and pout at them as they laughed at me. When I think back to that one, I laugh too and remember being confused as to why I wasn’t able to do what I saw those fancy skaters do on TV.

The little girl I saw today probably has skinned knees and a shattered ego. But soon she’ll have the joy of picking at her first scab, knowing she shouldn’t but be unable to stop testing the edges to see if it’s ready to come off. I did that a lot as a child and as an adult, I have a tendency toward picking at my skin – removing the rough edges, red bumps and dark clogged pores – perhaps because I’ve always been an esthetician* and perhaps because I’m trying to get rid of that which makes me less “perfect”.

My work involves helping people improve their skin – to help them get away from that which makes them consider themselves not perfect. This has given my personal perfectionism the ideal venue – I put my acute detail oriented-ness to great use helping them figure out the details of their skin care routine. By the time I look in the mirror at myself, I’m relatively satisfied with what I find, especially if I’ve made someone smile that day.

Make someone smile every day, okay?

*I discovered that I’m an esthetician, I didn’t choose it.

Earth has some beautiful lessons for me
growth and decay
growth feels open and full
it burns on the edges
I follow it as a dancing partner
aiming for grace
stumbling at times
falling and bruising
sulking
slowly coming back onto the dance floor
to catch up
with my experience

decay feels like a relief in its familiarity
the gray removes the overbrights
it lightens the shadows
dulls the edges
sometimes the forest floor is 10 feet thick
smells amazing
holds you in its softness and fecundity
other times
fruit flies scatter
from the stench and slime
any time I move
with creaking joints like
that weathered old wooden rocker
on the porch in the desert
in the middle of the hottest part of summer

and then a sprout
an insight
flash of light
an unexpected shower of cleansing rain

decay leads to growth
the ache of breaking down
only second to the
searing pain of opening

and I’m dancing again
and my body feels different
and I’m exploring this new dance floor

****************************
processing shani
Saturn challenges are ones that last a lifetime
they feel heavy and dark and immobile

a gratitude for the love of simple data
turns into an inability to
connect with my heart
because it does not speak
in formulas and squares

the sense that I might have these lesions
bandaged up and healing
so that I can continue on
transforms into acute anxiety,
fear of failure to the point of not taking a step
in any direction,
and the inability to trust my decision making capability

feeling that my heart would burst
if I felt any more in love
turns into anger, resentment, frustration,
disbelief, worry, tension

recognizing all this shifting
from good to not so good
is half in the world of yay healing
and half over there in the cold, darkness

there is light at the end of that cold darkness
one must travel thru it to get to the light
because that’s how the juxtaposition works
that’s the formula
keep your eyes on the light
look straight ahead
be not distracted by the walls
or floors
or anything that’s around you
stay your course to the light
it gets brighter and warmer and soothing-er
the more intently focused on it you are.

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Copyright AdrieneCrimson 2013

I love that I can chat with my lovely twin-flame, mon amie soeur, Shivala. Talking with her is very heartening. We come from the same part of the galaxy that is not this one.
I’ve gotten to video skype – something I NEVER do – with her twice in the last month and I feel a fortification to my spiritual goals.

And then I found this journal entry from October 10, 1998
(transcript below if my fancy cursive writing doesn’t jive with this sans serif world)
(click the image to embiggen if you prefer)

October 10, 1998
I feel the joy in tears and the tears in joy. I KNOW and experience that we are here to feel. Feel what’s going on. Breathe it in – let it go.

Love yourself and what’s around you.

We pick at ourselves and disapprove of who we are because we want to. We think strength comes from people saying we’re nice or good or fun or sexy or powerful. It doesn’t.

It’s in all of us all the time.

Look inside.
Hold yourself in the highest regard.
Be happy with yourself.
Let go of the baggage.
No one has ever done anything to you – you have.
No need to say “Poor me. Look what I did to myself.” Just let it go.
Do something.
Run around.
Dance.
Draw.
Compute obtuse mathematical equations without anyone’s help.
Dance naked in front of open windows.
Study ancient scriptures for the pictures they create in your mind.
Know the TRUTH.
We are all Love.
Love of ourselves only. It leads us to Love everything everywhere all the time.
It’s okay.

Bonus points if you can make out a face behind the letters.
This is a photo that describes how I feel right now – enjoy!