I love that I can chat with my lovely twin-flame, mon amie soeur, Shivala. Talking with her is very heartening. We come from the same part of the galaxy that is not this one.
I’ve gotten to video skype – something I NEVER do – with her twice in the last month and I feel a fortification to my spiritual goals.

And then I found this journal entry from October 10, 1998
(transcript below if my fancy cursive writing doesn’t jive with this sans serif world)
(click the image to embiggen if you prefer)

October 10, 1998
I feel the joy in tears and the tears in joy. I KNOW and experience that we are here to feel. Feel what’s going on. Breathe it in – let it go.

Love yourself and what’s around you.

We pick at ourselves and disapprove of who we are because we want to. We think strength comes from people saying we’re nice or good or fun or sexy or powerful. It doesn’t.

It’s in all of us all the time.

Look inside.
Hold yourself in the highest regard.
Be happy with yourself.
Let go of the baggage.
No one has ever done anything to you – you have.
No need to say “Poor me. Look what I did to myself.” Just let it go.
Do something.
Run around.
Dance.
Draw.
Compute obtuse mathematical equations without anyone’s help.
Dance naked in front of open windows.
Study ancient scriptures for the pictures they create in your mind.
Know the TRUTH.
We are all Love.
Love of ourselves only. It leads us to Love everything everywhere all the time.
It’s okay.

Bonus points if you can make out a face behind the letters.
This is a photo that describes how I feel right now – enjoy!

Confession:
I disguise lack of discipline as following my heart. I’m still not sure when one is not the other.

Oracle:
OWL
I found an owl feather today.

Body:
Rode up Webster on the bicycle & noticed fatigue in my glutes. Did not stretch. Ate ice cream & pie. I feel itchy, bloated & uncomfortable.

Virtue/Vice:
Allowed myself a soy latte. This fulfills both virtue & vice at once.

Relinquish:
Felt freer today than I have in a while. Many little lettings go.

Inspiration/Gods:
Looking up the possible maker of the feather I found in the bike lane was fascinating. Possibly Great Horned Owl. I feel blessed.

Structure:
I got a lot done today without feeling pressed for time.

I wrote this little “haiku” to the moon:
Oh blackest black moon
renew me with your empty
and lets start anew

And now, onto the 7 Elements:
Confession:
I’m not really sure how this part benefits me but I’m doing it anyway.

Oracle:
Woke up to a dream about being on the beach and climbing up a weather balloon that was attached to the shore. Family was there. The light reminds me of New Zealand.

Body:
I ate well. Used good body mechanics at work.

Virtue/Vice:
I was lacking judgement all day.

Relinquish:
I had tea instead of coffee because I knew I’d need the focused caffeine rather than the diffuse caffeine of coffee. I wanted coffee.

Inspiration/Gods:
Looked at the clock at 3:33

Structure:
I kept my timing tight but it worked out perfectly. Nothing like giving yourself only 10 minutes in the co-op to keep you on your grocery list!

Photo “Scorpio and Milky Way” by Rafael Defavari

Below is from Sherene’s Project 40 website:

Project 40:
The next (13th) incarnation of Project 40 is slated for November 13th to take advantage of the powerful New Moon Solar Eclipse in Scorpio. This eclipse coincides with the ongoing Scorpio themes (Saturn, Mercury and the North Node are all currently in Scorpio)… compelling us to dive deep within our psyches to uncover ancient fears and psychological patterns that keep us stuck, fixed in fear or stuck in the trenches of the past. The potential for transformation has never been more powerful. We are on the edge of discovering our true inner resourcefulness… that which sustains us when nothing else can sustain us, as Jung said.

This time I’m going to focus on creativity. I will do something creative every day and document it here in one way or another. I’m offering up my hesitation and trepidation about my self-worth as a creative being.

yep. pretty much. that face says it all.

Origins of this project can be read here.

Confession:
Anxiety and depression are horrible bed-mates. They steal all of the covers and, about 30 seconds after you nod off, they both put all of their smelly, dirty feet in your face while they are sound asleep and unable to be roused. They also snore, loudly and unendingly.

Oracle:
A giant, perfectly clean blackboard. No chalk. No graphite (grey on black is better than nothing!). No eraser.

Body:
Nachos and canned turkey chili from hours ago is still making me burp. Things with sugar in them give me disgusting gas. Alcohol consumed in more than one sip/day proportions makes me feel (even more) utterly hopeless for over 24 hours. I’m too tired and overwhelmed to exercise.

Virtue/Vice:
After my vacation, I turned my phone back on and found a text from a friend who doesn’t text me that often. It was a website suggestion based on her reading this Project 40 series. I was touched that these posts inspired her to reach out.
vice: I never looked at the website.
virtue: I just looked at it and have that rare glimpse at the potential for hope (I might even hold my breath). I will listen to it when my partner isn’t sleeping right behind me.

Relinquish:
To quote the English translation of a Latin tattoo I was once uncool enough to ask the translation of:

I have given hope to hope and have none left for myself.

Inspiration/Gods:
Shannon. He’s so patient and gentle with me when I get this way. He’s my rock.

Structure:
I’m not feeling so confident about my relationship with time right now. It goes too slowly when I want to get past something and too fast when I want to experience something more closely.
I really hope that website offers some nuggets of help.

Origins of this project can be read here.

Confession:
When I walk by a bar and smell the scent of stale alcohol and cigarettes, it makes me think of my childhood.

Oracle:
I gave some great intuitively guided massage treatments tonight.

Body:
Rode the bike up some steep @ss hills today and then took a nap to recharge.

The View from a Nap

Virtue/Vice:
Virtue: Was pretty positive all day.
Vice: Did get a little frustrated that my first therapy session was only background stuff – we didn’t get into any meat of any matters. But, I guess, I figured as much.

Relinquish:
I accidentally left the apartment without my phone and I was okay with it. I only reached for it once when I was at the pet food store and there were two bunnies up for adoption.

Inspiration/Gods:
- The idea: HOME. My therapist and I discussed it a bit. The concept is filling my brain with wonderful ideas.
- The kittens at the pet food store were SOOOOOO CUUUUTTEEEEEE! OMG. It was really challenging to just look at them and not adopt one. But, maybe, just maybe, one will be adopted for a certain someone who would LOVE a baby cat to care for.

Structure:
There was a scheduling snafu at work and my co-worker and I were able to set up a couples massage in less than 10 minutes. That’s got to be a record.

Thanks tfisherart for the image. I love how the brushstrokes have depth.

Origins of this project can be read here.

Confession:
I’m okay with rule breaking as long as you don’t hinder my ability to do what I need to do. I will break rules but only if it’s safe and non- disruptive to do so. I get more upset than I’d like when someone gets in my way when breaking a rule that serves them at the expense of everyone else’s ease.
This feels challenging inside and I have no control of it.

Oracle:
She was quiet today.

Body:
10 minutes of yoga before bed. Ahhhh.

Virtue/Vice:
Virtue: Pu’er tea
Vice: did not eat enough today, or consume enough water, and developed a headache about an hour before I was finished my tasks. Had to take Advil after dinner (lovingly prepared by my wonderful fiancée after I texted him that I was toast & starving).

Relinquish:
I accepted forgiveness for someone who really deserves it. Somehow, my anger, resentment and bitterness just dissolved.

Inspiration/Gods:
On my bike ride home thru a part of Hayes Valley I’m not usually in, I looked up at a bright window to see a woman at her easel, using charcoal to draw a figure. It touched a deep part of me in a really nourishing way.

Structure:
I don’t give myself enough down time.

Origins of this project can be read here.

Confession:
I’m a little bored with this process.

Oracle:
Realizing this is the halfway point led me to this thoughtful post on a blog with the same name. There’s more there for me, but not right now.

Body:
Upped the detox steps from homeopathic only to including herbal and more physical steps.

Virtue/Vice:
Vice: I want everything to just work itself out, now that Mercury is direct.
Virtue: I’m able to maintain my focus on what needs to be done when, even tho I want to plan everything now that Mercury is direct.

Relinquish:
No more nerves about my hair. I think I’ve trimmed it up to a place where I’ll be able to let it grow on it’s own for a while. Attempting to grow curly locks that I’m into…

Inspiration/Gods:
Looking for my muse.

Structure:
I finished this post even tho I didn’t even feel like starting it.