an englishman in osaka

time please, ladies and gentlemen

2010-04-18T16:00:00.000+09:00

Thanks for visiting, and thanks for your comments.

There's a list of all 323 posts HERE.

Cheers!

An Englishman in Osaka

dashboard delights

2010-04-11T23:50:00.012+09:00

While some people clearly prefer the minimalist look.....

....others like to take things to the other extreme.....

....and perhaps even stick a mannequin on the outside for good measure.....

......or just go the whole hog and slap some paint on the front too....

head banger

2010-04-04T23:30:00.001+09:00

It's low.

But 160 centimetres was deemed high enough for people to pass safely under.

However, for those taller than 160, the bridge must be noticed in order to avoid getting a headache....

....or a severe migraine if you're cycling at speed....

A woman on a bicycle not smashing her head.

Let's face it, approaching this bridge at high speed without paying attention could result in a lot more than just loss of face....

photo: Botched

cosplay carnival

2010-03-28T22:13:00.002+09:00

Last weekend, in the middle of Osaka, people came out in costumes. To play.

There was quite a bit of flesh flashing about....

and where there was flesh, there were blokes with cameras....

....and blokes in dresses with cameras....

....and not blokes not in dresses with cameras....

....as well as people being trodden on...

Even Osaka Castle was trying to muscle in on the action....

There were characters I didn't recognise....

....and a few that I did.....

Batman makes an appearance

Some Osaka favourites were in attendance....

....along with some of Alice's friends....

To top it all off, there was even one guy dressed as a traffic cop!

the bending machine

2010-03-20T23:22:00.003+09:00

Bending machines are becoming more and more popular in Japan, though it's widely accepted that they could do with some help in the looks department....

The latest bending machine, made by Panasonic Bendy Labs.

The machine is perfect for bending straight fruit which look better bent, such as bananas. More and more supermarkets are using the bending machine to repair their faulty fruit and veg.

The object in need of bending is first placed carefully inside the bending chamber. Next, the bendometer dial is set between 1 and 11, with 1 producing a slight kink, and 11 curling it right around into an almost circular shape.

Once the big red button is pressed, the machine works in silence as it cleverly rearranges the object's molecules into a bent shape.

Here's an example of the wonders which the machine can work.....

Recently, the machine even came in handy for Mao Asada, just prior to her appearance at the Winter Olympics in Vancouver.

She underwent a partial body insertion into the bending chamber, the effect of which was both stunning and eye-watering, and helped her towards her silver medal triumph. If only they'd turned the bendometer dial right up to 11 - then she may well have got the gold.

It doesn't always work like clockwork, though. Poor Brenda Saddleworth recently fell inside the bending chamber and no one realised until it was too late....

Brenda Saddleworth: patiently waiting for the invention of the straightening machine.

terminal

2010-03-12T18:20:00.004+09:00

Question:
What do John Travolta's house and Ibaraki's new international airport have in common?

Answer:
They've both got one plane parked up outside.

Ibaraki Airport, currently operating one flight a day.

Wait a minute, Travolta appears to be operating TWICE as many planes!

Japan's 98th airport, which cost 22 billion yen (£lots) to build, opened on Thursday.
Full story here.

playgrounds of the world

2010-03-07T22:51:00.000+09:00

As it's International Playground Month for the third time in five years, let's take a quiet moment to pay tribute to some of the world's finest grounds of play enjoyed by the little people of this big planet....

Boston, USA

Lots of colour; excellent safety mats; and a funny looking plastic man with potties for feet.

Vienna, Austria

This award winner has a variety of spindly slides radiating out from a central point, like a spider with dyed legs.

Ekaterinburg, Russia

It's got an old communist look, what with its shapes and colours and tyres, but it's also completely bonkers, therefore perfect for children.

Newcastle, Australia

Built in the countryside because of the loud noise of fun, this great setup has an original design that's a lot more stimulating than it looks from the playground's bungee jump launch point.

Osaka, Japan

This minimalist design makes big demands on a child's imagination but the soft ground means that if they should fall from the camel's head, they'll walk away with only a mild bout of concussion.

not JUST coffee

2010-02-27T20:40:00.001+09:00

Walk the streets of Japan for more than a few minutes and you'll quickly realise that people here absolutely love coffee, although NEVER just by itself....

Here's a splendid one for starters....

Sounds nice....

Ever tried a coffee pizza?

Switching the word order may cause confusion....

Even the "&" is back to front.

Wouldn't beer be better?

Not for the indecisive....

"I'll have a coffee, no wait, make that a tea, hang on, coffee, no tea, coffee..." etc etc

No such dilemmas here....

Perfect for the more hirsute members of society....

Enjoy a drink with the popular Japanese figure skater.

A kick in the teeth with every cappuccino!

[Bottom three photos courtesy of London Shop Fronts]

susan boiled

2010-02-21T13:31:00.004+09:00

Both were plucked from obscurity before going on to become superstars.

Both found fame and fortune through the art of singing.

Both are human beings.

But that's pretty much where the similarities end. One is more likely to be found enjoying haggis rather than sushi, but then Shingo always did have strange eating habits.

Shingo Katori of boy band SMAP.

SMAP (short for Some Mammals Are Potty) is Japan's longest running man band, formed in 1972 and still going strong. It comprises five members, all of whom spend most of their time on TV singing, acting, cooking and endorsing a wide range of household products.

On their recent TV show, which usually features singing, acting, cooking and the endorsement of a wide range of household products, they did a piece where Shingo got made up as Susan Boyle.

They recreated the Britain's Got Talent show where Susan first appeared in front of Simon Cowell in a brown dress, although they had to reshoot that scene so Simon could slip into something more appropriate.

On the SMAP show, another member of the man band played the part of Simon Cowell....

Left: Simon Cowell. Right: Fully clothed Tsuyoshi Kusanagi.

And a woman in a blonde wig played the part of Amanda Holden....

Left: Amanda Holden. Right: Fully clothed Amanda Holden :(

And then onto the stage walked Shingo who, in preparation for the part, had either spent a good few hours in the make-up chair or else spent more than a good few hours down at his local Mr Donuts....

Left: Shingo. Right: Susan

Then it all went a bit weird. As if it wasn't already a little odd....

She starts singing Amazing Grace, but every so often glances off-stage at someone in the wings....someone doing something sinister in the shadows. No, it wasn't Takuya Kimura performing an indecent act on Hank Marvin; it seemed to be someone holding a microphone.

At this point the truth begins to dawn.....

It's not Susan Boyle singing. She's miming. The person in the wings is singing for her - but the singer is making a hash of it, making poor Susan look like a right old mess.

SMAP appear to be suggesting that Boyle is a fraud.

As Boyle messes up, Cowell spots the shadowy figure in the wings, and the panel of judges suspect Boyle has been miming. Boyle maintains that it was she who'd been singing, as the person in the wings runs off.

"Is that Elaine Paige over there?"

And that's where it ended, though there may or may not be another part of this story to come.

Here's a shortened version of the SMAP show featuring Shingo Boyle....

Running time: 150 seconds.

product recall - URGENT

2010-02-14T23:55:00.011+09:00

Kyodo News has been reporting that the Japanese government has this evening issued an urgent recall regarding the dress shirt worn by Prime Minister Hatoyama at a ~~stage-managed photo opportunity~~ meeting with parents regarding childcare allowance earlier in the day.

The authorities stated that the shirt is in breach of health and safety laws.

When pressed, officials admitted that it could result in acute embarrassment if worn in public places.

Furthermore, it could also cause great offence to the people in whose presence it is worn.

Senior government aides assured people that if treated with care, the shirt should pose no immediate threat to dignity, but that it should nevertheless be returned to the dealership from which it was purchased forthwith.

Top left bottom centre middle right left: Hatoyama

A very dangerous shirt.

unsung heroes of japan (1)

2010-02-07T23:50:00.029+09:00

The Man Under The Platform

While walking along the platform of your local train station, have you ever wondered what's going on beneath your feet?

No, neither have I.

However, I recently discovered that there is a man down there performing a very important role.

For it is his job to ensure that the wheels of incoming trains are perfectly aligned with the tracks on which they come in on.

The slightest discrepancy or irregularity will be immediately addressed by the man under the platform, thereby guaranteeing the smooth continuation of an impeccable nationwide service.

During the rush hour, they usually work in pairs....

Two men under a platform waiting for the 7.57 bound for Tokyo.

Rarely spoken of and seldom seen, the man under the platform does not seek the limelight, nor recognition.

Instead, he simply goes about his duty responsibly and diligently, with the sole aim of ensuring that those using the train service can do so secure in the knowledge that the width of the track will be precisely the same as the distance between the wheels of the train on which they are travelling. No wider. No narrower.

A bullet train arriving perfectly as the man under the platform looks on.

horrifying head?

2010-01-31T23:55:00.010+09:00

Many will consider these heads to be imaginative works of art.

They may well have been inspired by a disturbing dream.....

....or by some mind-bending stimulants.

They could possibly be the work of someone fascinated by faces - as well as knockers.

That's all well and good.

However, while out walking recently in deepest rural Nagano, I happened upon a head which later caused me to have a disturbing dream, made worse by mind-bending stimulants such as red wine and cheese.

You see, from a distance it looked rather horrifying and for an awful moment I thought I'd stumbled across the following day's news headlines....

A head on a signpost - it's not what you want to see in the middle of the countryside.

a cheap vending machine in osaka

2010-01-24T23:17:00.011+09:00

Soon after being serviced by Miki, I happened upon what could well be the cheapest vending machine in Japan, dispensing drinks for a mere 50 yen.....

I mean, just 50 yen!

Maybe there is a

....although God evidently costs substantially more than 50 yen.

a winter warmer

2010-01-17T21:18:00.000+09:00

On a cold winter evening, there's nothing quite like tucking into some nice bread....

....and washing it down with a warmed-up glass of Vinegar and Milk.....

....before finally vomiting into the toilet.

bald osaka

2010-01-10T14:15:00.018+09:00

A plane coming in to land at Osaka's main airport.

Osaka is known widely as the kitchen of Japan. Not because the city's inhabitants enjoy washing dishes (though they might), but because Osaka contains more cooking utensils per square kilometre than anywhere else in the country.

Kyoto might have its temples and shrines, but Osaka has its pots and pans. But more about that later....

When you approach Osaka from any direction, the first building most people see is the city's answer to the Arc de Triomphe - the Umeda Sky Building. Opened in 1993, it includes a cinema and the German consulate.

It was once said that a spitfire flew through the arch of the building in a spectacular aerobatic stunt, but it's not true. It never happened.

The iconic Sky Building.

The city has its fair share of pricey beauty salons for people who want to look lovely, but it also has an abundance of discount barbershops for those in dire need of a cheap haircut...

A magical haircut costs just 1,000 yen in Osaka.

No city in Japan would be complete without a castle, and Osaka is no exception. Reconstructed more times than Posh Spice's ladybumps, the castle lies in 15 acres of greenery and water, and is open to the public all through the year.

Osaka castle and its moat.

There are several entertainment areas in the city, the most popular being Namba. Here you can find the famous Glico Man, best viewed at night, but often viewed in the day....

Glico Man celebrates Osaka's deeply rooted fascination with Glicos.

Close by you'll also find a Ferris wheel that buckled severely during the Hanshin earthquake....

A bent big wheel.

But as previously mentioned, Osaka is mostly about cooking. Everywhere you look, you see food - especially if you're inside a supermarket. And there are restaurants galore.

You want crabs? You got crabs....

A crab on a wall.

Kuidaore Taro is a drum-playing clown who for more than 50 years banged his drum outside a famous Namba restaurant. Tourists came from across the country to have their photo taken beside Kuidaore Taro. Last year, however, Taro was accused of banging more than just his drum and as a consequence was hastily removed by security staff and placed in a closet.

The public missed Taro so much that they demanded his immediate return.

As a result, Taro has since come out of the closet and now stands close to where he used to be, once again banging his drum while moving his head about and grinning....

Kuidaore Taro and his drum.

Meet someone in Shibuya and Hachiko might well be the chosen spot. In Osaka, Big Man will likely be the place.

For first timers, however, this could be rather confusing as Big Man is neither Big, or a Man. A better name would be Medium-sized Video Screen. But this might also be confusing as there are many medium-sized video screens in Osaka. So Big Man it is. And this is Big Man....

Medium-sized Video Screen

The largest shop in the city is Yodobashi Camera, which incidentally sells a lot more besides cameras and yodobashis....

Yodobashi Camera - it's massive.

Where Tokyo has the manic Shibuya crossing, Osaka has the equally manic and labyrinthine Whity Underground Shopping Center. There are many people who entered Whity months ago for nothing more than "a bag of sugar", but are still yet to find their way out.

The advice is, tie one end of a piece of string around a lamp post on street level, and the other end around your wrist. That way, you should be able to escape once you have your bag of sugar....

The main intersection in Whity Underground Shopping Center where lost people approach from every possible angle.

Another prominent feature of Osaka's skyline is the large red Ferris wheel that balances precariously atop the HEP Five shopping centre.....

Finally, as touched upon at the start of this post, Osaka is really all about food. The variety and choice is astonishing and the cost of eating out needn't break the bank.

But if you only eat one thing here, make sure you try the tasty takoyaki (boiled octopus in batter). It's the food that Osaka is renowned for, and is as popular as it ever was....

Osaka's famous takoyaki.

when kairo go wrong....

2010-01-01T18:32:00.004+09:00

Kairo are popular in winter time, for keeping warm.

christmas is....

2009-12-25T15:30:00.007+09:00

...the Pink Panther in a Santa outfit....

quackers?

2009-12-20T16:17:00.007+09:00

I think I've been hallucinating; maybe something got in the water supply....

So I was swanning about by the Yodogawa the other day when suddenly, across the way, I think I see a massive great rubber duck floating along by the river bank.....

I do a double take, and then a triple one. I have a flashback and recall another recent episode where I thought I saw a pig in a combat jacket.

Wait a minute, I DID see a pig in a combat jacket...

Remember, a pig is not just for Christmas.

Recipes here.

So back to the duck.

I do a quadruple take and, with a cricked neck, decide to take a closer look to see if the duck is real or simply some bizarre trick of the light.

So I walk towards it and it doesn't disappear, and before I know it, for the first time in my life, I'm face to face with a giant rubber duck.

It's really there. I feel relieved. For a moment I thought I was quacking up.

Then he starts talking to me. He wants something. I can't make out what he's saying at first, but then I catch a couple of words. He wants a cigarette. He says he's a 20-a-day duck and hasn't had a ciggie in ages.

But then I see the notice....

It's a no-smoking area and giant rubber ducks aren't exempt. It ruffles his feathers a bit. I sneeze. When I look up, he's gone.

I stroll home, passing a cafe where I see a giraffe enjoying a latte.

futenma decision decided

2009-12-16T19:03:00.004+09:00

please mind the step

2009-12-13T22:50:00.011+09:00

Design flaw?

I don't know.

Perhaps the road used to be higher.

Or maybe the house was once lower.

Or did the builders simply get their calculations wrong?

Then again, I suppose it's possible the architect was just having a laugh.....

fart song

2009-12-06T16:50:00.000+09:00

As fart songs go, this is one of the better ones, and has a well choreographed dance video accompanying it.

The song encourages womanly ladies of the female variety not to hold in any build up of gas that might be knocking on the emergency exit door.

The video begins in, of all places, a lift.

Now, from body language alone, can you tell which woman is keeping it in?

Man or woman, it's best not to let one off in a lift.

That's correct, it's the one on the right...

The song then begins....

"Onara" is the Japanese word for fart.

During the performance, gaseous ejections are shown in the form of lovely little pink hearts....

In Japan, even farts are cute.

"Oh! Nice lovely!"

The video ends beautifully with the girl smiling before letting out an audible fart. The reactions of the other women in the lift are not shown.

Happiness is a lift full of gas.

See the video here (with English subtitles)....
Running time: 2 minutes

S.O.G. (save our gyoza)

2009-11-29T22:55:00.001+09:00

In the Umeda district of Osaka, in the shadow of the Hep Five shopping centre, you'll find Gyoza Stadium. It is, as the name suggests, full of gyoza. However, unlike most stadiums, this one has no one in it.

If you like gyoza and you find yourself in Osaka, consider dropping by - as it may not be there much longer....

The 'sutadiam' needs paying customers, and soon.

There's plenty of tasty gyoza knocking about....

....at reasonable prices....

....and lots of choice....

....but no punters.....

Even those who like to eat gyoza while playing table tennis were absent....

Gyoza-eating table tennis players are more than welcome.

Gyoza Stadium is a perfectly pleasant place with many small gyoza shops laid out on one floor in a manner that causes you to have to walk about a bit, but this is no real hardship (if you like gyoza)....

Here, a member of staff pretends to be busy....

Do you have a baby, or are you very small? If yes, they have chairs especially for you, so there's really no excuse not to go....

Small chairs.

Just as I went to vacate the stadium, I spotted something in the corner, something much needed....

...or just a member of staff?

toilet talk

2009-11-22T23:45:00.001+09:00

As you can imagine, I often receive emails asking me about Japanese toiletry concerns - from people who are into that kind of thing.

In response, I spent some time researching nearby public toilets with my camera - although I'm really not into that kind of thing.

Three photos and one police interrogation later, I managed to get a very small collection of pics together for the delectation of those who are into that kind of thing....

Signs for toilets, for example, can come in a number of designs. This one is standard, the kind you'd expect to see almost anywhere in the world...

Simple, clear, efficient.

This one is far from standard, but rather entertaining, possibly causing you to piss yourself laughing. Literally, if you're not careful.

Simple, clear, efficient, amusing.

I can't be sure what this one's all about though.....

Whereas the message on this sign, seen on a hut on a country road, is all too clear...

Do NOT splash it about around here.

Here's a gem, found in an old block of flats built at a time when sit-down toilets were still something of a novelty in the country. It's a notice on the toilet-roll holder explaining to newbies how to use a sit-down toilet.

The carefully drawn diagram on the left explains that men should lift the toilet lid when peeing, or there might be a right old mess, whereas the diagram on the right says that for ladies' number ones and everyone's number twos, it's really a good idea to sit down (on the seat and not the part underneath that the guys have urinated onto).

the unrush hour

2009-11-15T18:20:00.029+09:00

In Japan's larger cities, the rush hour might well involve a bloke in white gloves shoving you onto a carriage till you're so far in that your face squashes up against the window while someone's briefcase rides up your backside as you try to make sure your hands don't touch anyone lest you be accused of groping.

Outside the big cities though, the situation is somewhat different. The rush hour might involve a train pulling in to the station, the doors opening, you stepping on to the train in a style of your choosing, walking to a seat at a steady pace and sitting down.

Your main concern will be finding a position which you deem suitable.....

...so that you can kick back and relax....

...and once you're nice and comfortable, you can happily doze off....

....having taken your shoes off first, of course.

long-lasting liza

2009-11-08T23:30:00.004+09:00

The recession continues to bite in Japan - take a little stroll around any 'hood and you'll likely see a fair few empty premises.

However, it's good to see that Liza is planning to stick around for a while...

You can always count on Liza.