A. Fletcher

Do banks lose more money to robbery or to stolen pens?

2012-02-24T21:11:26Z

While making a deposit at the bank the other day and realizing I didn’t have a pen in my pocket, I thought about stealing the pen on the deposit counter. This kind of little theft happens all the time, and we all do it. It’s like doing 51 in a 45 mph zone — we don’t really consider it wrong. So I thought, how much do banks spend in a year in replacing all the pens that all of us miscreants blithely walk away with? Is it more than banks lose to robberies?

Because banks don’t publish their annual pen budget, I have to run this backwards and see where the two amounts meet. I’ve done the research, so let’s do some math. Here are my results.

Number of bank branches in US (2010): 98,515. [Source]
Cost of a single pen (current): approx. $0.25 [Source]
Lost amount of cash and travelers checks, minus the amount recovered in the US (2010): $34,823,034 [Source]

So what I’m really asking here is: ($0.25 cost of a pen) x (?? number of pens) = $34,823,034 amount stolen.

So, we would need to steal 139,292,136 pens a year to equal the amount that banks lose to robberies. Divide that number by the number of bank branches and the minimum number of days a bank is open every year (365 — weekends and bank holidays = 250) and you get an easily digestible answer. If every bank branch in America loses 5.7 pens per day to theft, then banks spend more on pens than they lose from robberies.

Ta-da! To answer these kinds of questions I was inspired by the book Freakonomics, which I only recently read. Asking novel questions is fun. Thankfully, the internet has made these kinds of knowledge journeys much easier. Imagine trying to do this 15 years ago…

Silent Sundays

2012-02-15T07:12:50Z

A few months ago my roommate Jon Ammons and I were deep in conversation about something modern and forgettable and droll when we had the novel idea to resurrect a dead art. Namely, that of the silent film with piano accompaniment. We were not unprepared. Jon has a serious and longstanding interesting in films from the silent era and I have a serious interest in music of the same. Realizing that we were strangely well-suited to the task and coupled with our life of the idle passions of bachelor creatives, we set upon making this dream a reality.

I designed the posters, we booked a venue, arranged for a piano, projector and popcorn, promoted and procured press and pulled it off like pros. It was one of the most fun and successful events that I’ve ever been a part of without the aid of a well-established band. It’s a hell of a lot of work compared to the money I make, but it’s a passion project. Passion matters a lot in my world.

Thanks to all the people who came out for the shows and especially those who came out for both. We’re doing another Silent Sunday on March 18. The film is yet to be determined.

Anti-SOPA Solidarity

2012-01-17T01:52:09Z

In solidarity with Wikipedia, Reddit and other sites my blog will be joining the anti-SOPA blackout on Wednesday, January 18. Though I don’t receive a lot of traffic and my lack of presence on the internet will likely go unnoticed, I feel that this is an important gesture that I can make. The reasons that SOPA damages freedom of speech have been well publicized, but if you would like to learn more please read this Techdirt article if you’re a little tech savvy, or this New York Times article for those of you who don’t know what DNS is.

If you have a blog or a website, I encourage you to join me and Wikipedia. If you use WordPress.org, you can install a plugin that makes this very simple to setup. You can find that plugin here: http://wordpress.org/extend/plugins/sopa-blackout-plugin/

Style Advice for Men

2011-12-23T07:33:39Z

Ricardo Montalbán is unimpressed with your efforts.

At risk of sounding like a pompous ass, I have style. I believe this because I get a lot of compliments on my choices in dress. Walking down the street I get asked for my advice a lot, or asked where I buy things, and do I always look this way? I’ve been caught on the street a handful of times by Asheville Street Style, interviewed by the Urban News, and regularly advise my friends on what to wear to meet Fortune 500 executives in China or on a first date. Fine, I surrender already — I have style.

And I’m into that, I’m into what is stylish. But — I’m not into fashion. I don’t have a well thumbed copy of the September Vogue on my night stand, and though I subscribe to the Sunday edition of the New York times, I don’t luridly gaze at the latest offerings of the major designers in the Style Magazine. I don’t care what’s in or what’s out, if it’s past Labor Day or if it was recently seen being worn by Lady Gaga at Occupy Wall Street. Those are useless ways to think about what will make you look awesome.

What’s the difference between style and fashion? Style is forever, fashion is for today. Style is accessible for everyone, fashion is passé by the time everyone identifies it. Style belongs to you, fashion belongs to wealthy hairless eccentrics in Milan that feed caviar to tiny inbred dogs.

I’m not a racist or a sexist, but I do believe in judging people by their appearance because I expect to be judged on mine. And by appearance, I mean the things people have a choice about, namely one’s choices in clothing and grooming. So I’ve written up five things to help you make choices in your clothing that will better represent you the person, rather than you the guy who hates doing laundry and ends up looking like laundry. Why five things? Because it’s my favorite number.

It should fit you. It should fit you almost perfectly. If it doesn’t fit you perfectly, it should be damn close. If the sleeves aren’t the right length on a shirt, roll them up. If the pants are a little too short, get a tailor to let them out. If you haven’t used a tailor or seamstress before, it’s not that expensive. If you got a good deal on something that almost fit you, it’s probably worth another $10 to take it from “meh” to “oh meh god.” Seriously, you can see some ridiculous shirt, all sorts of weird colors, patterns, stains and tears but if it fits you like it was made exactly your size by some strangely psychic exploited Indonesian child, wear it.
Brand means nothing. Brand is something invented by people who produce garments to make their product more valuable. You don’t need to showcase the brand you’re wearing. You’re not a Hollister billboard. You’re a person with style that’s advertising yourself, not the Gap. People with logos on their shirts are Nascar drivers. Bottom line is if it looks good and it’s well made from quality material it’s a nice garment. However, some brands are usually well made. Levi’s, for instance, is almost always a safe bet. And I’ve got some pants from Express that are nearly bulletproof after years of abuse. Anything that’s military issue will also stand up over time, and usually has a very handsome masculine cut that will bring out your inner Rambo. Or at least your inner Bradley Manning.
Don’t demand to be comfortable. Shorts are for the beach, the gym and the tennis court. If you’re not at the Y sweating away the carbs you just crammed into your body at your fifth visit to Mamacita’s this week, wear long pants, jeans or trousers. And flip flops are right out. Your feet are hideous five headed creatures that smell like something a dog wants to roll in. Anybody who disagrees is a fetishist. Wear shoes or boots unless you’re at the beach. At least in the Asheville climate. When you’re sipping piña coladas in Havana and it’s 110 in the shade, there are other rules which don’t apply here. May we all be so lucky to explore what’s stylin’ in Havana, but so far that’s beyond the scope of my experience. Ask Ricardo Montalbán. He’s still alive, right? Oh, Wikipedia says no. Womp womp.
A good outfit makes you more confident. If you get ready and look in the mirror and you say DAAMN I’d ask for my number, then you’re doing it right. Even if you’re mis-matching patterns and colors, if you do it with purpose and like you mean and it makes you feel like a rockstar, then you’re doing it right. You should feel like the clothes are wearing you, like the whole purpose of this shirt was to find you and be worn and thus fulfill it’s destiny.
Overdressing is ok; underdressing is not. Always err on the side of overdressing. As Mark Twain said, “Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.” The other adage to keep in mind is “dress for the job you want, not the job you have.” It’s true. Trust me. Not that I have a job or anything.

So please fellas, dress nice. It matters to those who matter, like yourself, your boss, and that cute girl over there. Or dude. If that’s what you’re into. But if you’re gay you already knew all of this anyway, so what are you doing, get off the internet and go be fabulous.

( . Y . ) Correspondence (it’s funny!)

2011-11-24T02:09:03Z

Actually, I love cats.

A while back, an ex-girlfriend who I was clearly not over at the time asked me for a favor. I found the favor to be ridiculous, in fact, and I told her so in a creative and long-winded fashion. Below is the correspondence. In hindsight I realize I was channeling David Thorne of 27b/6, and it may be the finest writing I’ve ever done. The full correspondence is after the break, redacted to take out personal information, of course. If you know who this is, please don’t say. I’m only trying to embarrass myself here.

On Nov 3, 2010, at 16:36

Hi Andrew,

I need some music-related help and frankly — you’re the best person to ask. Think you might be interested in helping a lady out? Let me know please.

Best wishes,
Xxxxxxx

——————————————

On Wed, Nov 3, 2010 at 4:46 PM

You’ll need to be more specific. Your email reads like the first half of a 419 scam.

–A

Sent from my iPhone

——————————————

On Nov 3, 2010, at 16:57

I can provide many details, Mr. Fletcher — but to verify your identity please respond to these two questions:

1.) Are you aware of any relative/relation born on the 16th of February 1952, who shares your same name whose last known contact address was West Africa?

2.) What is your bank account number?

I AM ANXIOUSLY WAITING TO HEAR FROM YOU SOONEST.

——————————————

On Wed, Nov 3, 2010 at 6:45 PM

What about music help?

–A

Sent from my iPhone

——————————————

On Nov 3, 2010, at 9:24 PM

Okay fine — in lieu of sending me your bank account number (you do realize you’re forfeiting a king’s ransom.. right?) here is what I sincerely need help with.

1.) 3 musicians who are willing to donate 3 hours of their November 6th Saturday night (7-10pm) who can play one small instrument (thinking guitar?) for my charity event in exchange for free food from Bouchon and Fig and wine.

2.) A 3 hour playlist including great jazz, classical and other intellectually appropriate music for an upper crust crowd. See the pickle I’m in? I could use a music brain to help me sort this out, ya know. Are you game or should I ask someone else?

——————————————

On Nov 3, 2010, at 11:55 PM

Greetings Xxx,

As a relative of someone with an Autism Spectrum Disorder, your cause is one that I would like to support. However, my charitable efforts are directed to other organizations that are also worthy of my limited time and skill. In addition, I am flying to Boston Friday morning to kill some kittens, vote for Nader and give an eating disorder to a girl (Editor’s note: she falsely claimed I gave her an eating disorder) and will not return until Monday night and have an incredible amount of laundry and homework to do before then.

1) Asking three musicians to play one guitar for three hours is very irregular, and I have only seen it in circus dreams I’ve had. In seriousness, getting a jazz trio to play on two days notice for three hours on their most profitable night of the week in exchange for a croissant and a magnum of third-rate Biltmore Riesling is pretty far fetched. Unless the charity brought people back from the dead and handed out winning lottery tickets, I feel it would be insulting to my colleagues to suggest such a thing to them. This is my professional opinion.

2) Unfortunately, the only 3 hour playlist I have consists of ODB, The Captain and Tenille, a few of Ma Rainey’s more colorful numbers, several 1930s songs extolling the virtues of “reefer” and “tea,” a sampling of Ray Steven’s B-sides, Spike Jones slide-whistle solo records, some bowel-stiffening Mahler, an all-piccolo group that only plays John Phillip Sousa marches, “Fred Rogers Reads Allen Ginsberg” spoken word album ripped from an LP that I found in an alley in Amarillo, Jim Nabors accompanied by a gamelan orchestra (live), a Tibetan singing bowl chorus cover version of “In the Ghetto” that takes up most of 37 minutes, a rare Mongolia-only release of Styx “Kilroy Was Here” in mono, Zamfir’s sequel to “Alice’s Restaurant,” and a Gregorian Chant tribute to “Trapped in the Closet.” There’s a lot more in this playlist but I haven’t made them up yet. While eclectic, It may not be appropriate for the lower-upper-middle class contingent that enjoys being seen at such charity events. Real money comes in Goldman-Sachs envelopes, not L.L. Bean pullovers. My suggestion is to isohunt.com a jazz playlist. They exist in droves. Keywords to look for: Coltrane, Brubeck, Milt Jackson, your mom.

Enjoy your pickles,

Rev. Andrew J. Fletcher, Expert.

P.S. I admit this is a pretty snarky way to say no, but in all honesty I really have no help that I can provide at this time. And my Uncle really is severely autistic. I was watching 8mm film of him as a child this very evening at my grandparents’ home and nearly cried. Good luck in this endeavour.

——————————————

I never received a reply.

Real Horoscopes #4

2011-07-12T17:15:14Z

After a bit of a hiatus, Catherine and I return with another round of horoscopes. If you don’t like them, don’t believe them.

Aries
In the words of my West Virginian baby sitter from when I was 9: “You don’t know nothin’ and you stink like poop.” So get rid of that Cassie Edwards you’ve had simmering on the back of the toilet and get some real literature.

Litrachur.

Taurus
This thing right here is lettin all the ladies know what guys talk about. You know, the finer things in life. Check it out. Ooh dat dress so scandalous, and ya know another brotha couldn’t handle it. See ya shakin that thang like who’s da ish with a look in ya eye so devilish. Ya like to dance at all the hip hop spots, and ya cruise to the crews like connect da dots, not just urban she likes the pop; she was livin la vida loca. She had dumps like a truck truck truck, thighs like what what what. Baby move your butt butt butt. I think to sing it again.

Gemini
I hope you need a new dinette set because.… You’re the next contestant on the Price is Right! Come on down!

Cancer
Dear Cancer, this week has been a hectic one for you, but it’s time for a change. Don’t fool yourself into thinking a situation you are stuck in is worth being stuck in. Check yourself — before you wreck yourself.

Leo
While it’s a damned shame, the truth is you’ll never again be as young as you were when you started reading this sentence. Time to start saving for your retirement.

Virgo
Are you really spending the last 5 minutes of your life reading horoscopes? Well, what if you were?

Libra
We don’t all look as good as you Libra, but life is more than a wet t-shirt contest. Try acquiring some meaningful life skills. You spendin’ that body like you just won the lottery, but that kinda cash don’t last past 35. And what are you gonna do then?

Scorpio
Hey brother, XYZ. You’ve got a dangling participle on your resumé.

Ophiuchus
Wait, you mean there are 13 signs now and I still get paid the same as before? Yeah, well then here’s your friggin horoscope: 1. Eat 2. Shit 3. Die. You may need to repeat steps 1 and 2 for a while.

Sagittarius
Hard work is important, but it has to be held together and made useful by a mind full of purpose for your goal. It’s absolutely true what they say: where there’s a will there’s a way. Unfortunately, it would seem that this week it’s some one else’s will and you’re just in the way.

Capricorn
Put on your doing-science hat this week, a confluence of astrological signs indicates that you’re bound to discover something big. As far as the specifics go, things are cloudy, but it appears you’ll discover one of three things: the cure for cancer, an additive to make cereal not get soggy or yet another, other white meat. This bowl of Corn Flakes looking up at me has my fingers crossed for the second.

Aquarius
You’ll experience your first skydiving experience after the explosive decompression above the first class seating rips a Dom-Deluise sized hole in the roof of the 747 you’re flying in. So you might as well pack light.

Pisces
Advice for everyone, but especially for you Pisces: Don’t bring sand to the beach, don’t bring the Pope crackers (he’s got plenty) and most of all — don’t bring bullshit to your relationship. Be cool. BE COOL.

Real Horoscopes #3

2011-03-21T07:50:36Z

Or is it you that spins?

Aries
This week, be careful not to confuse “Aries” and “Aryan” when that cute girl at the bagel shop asks you what your sign is. If the words “Jewish Lynch Mob” don’t mean anything to you yet — they will. They will. You’ll be cream-cheesed-and-feathered and run out of town.

Taurus
It’s like this and like that: those heavenly bodies of light foretell that it ain’t nothin but a G-thang this for you, but wear a raincoat. You’re not ready to spawn quite yet.

Gemini
I know what you’ve been dealing with, that’s right, I’m talking to all of you that live in that same meat sack that you call a body. So to throw off the attempts of your multiple personalities to unionize, move to Wisconsin this week. Without the ability to collectively bargain, you’ll regain the upper hand and may actually be able to hold your shit together in the DSS office next time.

Cancer
Your supportive ways have come in handy as of late. If a friend asks you for advice, remember to remain unbiased and keep your emotions at bay when choosing words of wisdom to bestow.

Leo
Like Athena rose from the head of Zeus, the teratoma you’ve been hiding under that sweat shirt will finally emerge from your abdomen and will confuse you by speaking only High German, refusing to wear zippers and suddenly building a barn. Bonus: I see some great quilts in your future.

Virgo
This is a great week to come out of the closet, as the stars tell me that your parents just got a prescription for Xanax. They’ll be paddling a canoe across the don’t-give-a-shit sea while you’re happily applying glitter to your taint in their powder room. So get out there! Just don’t fall in a K-Hole you’re first night out, you beautiful queen.

Libra
There isn’t much you can’t handle, but the new and improved breed of Africanized killer bees (as seen on TV) will push you to your limit. Your face will swell into a hideous grimace, but your inimitable spirit will keep you smiling on the inside even as you pull pulsating stingers out of the skin between your knuckles.

Scorpio
That ‘experience’ you had last week will pale in comparison with the one that lies in store for you this week. Stock up on morphine and lube up your best neck brace. On a related note, this will be a wonderful week in the career arena for your stunt double.

Ophiuchus
Gesundheit.

Sagittarius
The time has come, Sag. Shit or get off the pot.

Capricorn
Don’t smoke cigarettes out of your 5th floor apartment building window.

Aquarius
Aquarius, estoy muy orgullosa por ti. La vida es corta, y eligiste correctemente cuando decidio a tomar algunas contingencias que hubieran sido peligrosa emocionalmente. Nunca sabes si no lo tratas. Chi!, Chi!, Chi! Le!, Le!, Le! Los mineros de Chile! lo siento por todos los errores gramaticales.

Pisces
You might think that getting away with ripping off the Goodwill is funny. But if you try it again, know that the wrath of hungover convicts performing community service is often expressed with lead pipes and bicycle chains. And you should see what they can do with a coat hanger.

Real Horoscopes #2

2011-02-14T00:24:31Z

Happy Fucking Trees

Hot off the presses here at Izzy’s Coffee Den where Catherine and I are plugging away interpreting the stars. We promise you that they are 100% actual horoscopes, written be real writers using an actual language. Don’t be fooled by the imitators (looking at you Susan Miller). You can read all of the horoscopes in this series here.

Aries
This is going to be an excellent week for your efforts to build a career. Get ready to update your resume, Aries, and make sure to include that thing you can do with your tongue. It’s a tough economy, darlin. — A.

Taurus
The stars point to intense danger for you. Go to the store, right now and buy all the chips on the shelves, stay home and eat them until they are gone and don’t leave your house. I’m serious, what I’m seeing for you out there on the streets would make a Spanish Inquisitor queasy. Let’s just say it involves a trampoline, power tools and that Doberman your neighbor’s just got. — A.

Gemini
This is a great time to play the stock market. Hot tip: Buy Frito-Lays stocks. They’re gonna blow up this week. Trust me. — A.

Cancer
So you took your old lady back, huh, Cancer? Weaksauce. Don’t be afraid to take the plunge sometimes and do what you know needs to happen. Often times fear (comfort) will stop us from doing what we know we is the best in a relationship — I expected much more from you. Keep your head up and give it a 60% chance of actually happening the way you “want”. — C.

Leo
Please, for the love of some diety, stop getting into bar brawls. Despite your spontaneous bouts of rage being something you’ve accepted as a part of your personality, try counting to ten before you “lightly push” someone out of your way. Your face is too pretty to be punched. — C.

Virgo
Virgo, sorry for giving you such a hard time last round of horoscopes. You truly are interesting, no doping someone into thinking so needs to happen. Remember Jamiroquai? Although I am older and cooler now, I still listen to his “canned heat” sweet, sweet jam for inspiration sometimes. Got some pent up emotions raging? Dance ‘em out. With me. — C.

Libra
Getting drunk in a coffee shop with a good friend on a Sunday is just what you need, Libra. So don’t hesitate — your days of debauchery are long from gone, my friend. Rest your anxieties for once and write some stories. — C.

Scorpio
I am so sick of Tom Waits. Innovative? Sure. Kooky? uh chyeah. Overplayed and really annoying? Definitely. Scorpio, try exploring new things and not conforming to the likes of those around you. Despite the fact you thrive on attention and conversation with others, you will inadvertently miss out on so much you could enjoy because you can’t think for yourself. — C.

Sagittarius
Dear Sagittarius, I like your ambition to seek out those who inspire you. I think you have great ideas and are fully capable of a successful follow through, but don’t think too much or too little about these plans first; they will falter. Have an opportunity to take a little vacay with your two best friends? If you don’t take it now, they’ll shut you up quick next time you complain about how much your life sucks, and how you wish you could do the things you completely neglected to do. — C.

Capricorn
I’m a little worried about you, Capricorn. Child support is expensive but you still have to pay it. Oh you didn’t know? I’m pregnant. — A.

Aquarius
I’m proud of you, Aquarius. This truly is the dawning of the rage of Aquarius and I’m so glad I can be a part of the absurdity that will ensue soon. — C.

Pisces
You’re not going to have much to do on Valentine’s Day, but that’s just because you’re awful in bed and word got around (ya slut). But take heart! The stars point to a reawakening of your virility due to a cancerous lesion on your pituitary gland. Side effects also include a stylin’ new mustache. — A.

Poster: Firecracker Jazz Band #2

2011-02-11T04:38:02Z

This is somewhat derivative of the last poster I designed for Firecracker Jazz Band, but we needed one for our weekly performances at Olive or Twist so I came up with this design. Whipped this out in about an hour.

Real Horoscopes #1

2011-02-09T20:45:25Z

Picture Unrelated

Today my good friend Catherine DeBroder and I started writing horoscopes. I’ve been wanting to do this for a while, and I was just the right mix of hungover, caffeinated and mentally unstable to pull it off. I think we’re going to do this every week, so stay tuned. For the record: I’m an Aquarius and Catherine is a Libra.

Aries
“The Ram” in Hellenistic tradition, you’re doing a great job of bucking around, Aries. Be on the hunt for someone who can add more fuel to your creative fire, and then do them. You’re going to be in love! Tread lightly on your creative ideas, you don’t handle rejection well, and you’re bound to hear some unfavorable opinions of your creations. — C.

Taurus
You were such an asshole last night. I mean, really what kind of prick does that? Shitting into a condom is for the bedroom, not the kitchen. Don’t you know anything? But I can’t really be mad. You’re just so cute in that uniform. Now, it’s time for you to get to work. Crime doesn’t stop itself you know. — A.

Gemini
Divide and conquer is an excellent aphorism for you to think about. To conquer yourself, divide into two pieces (which you are so good at anyway) and throw away the half with that unsightly football sized goiter. — A.

Cancer
Uuhhhhhh Cancer. I shudder at the word. Let go of your anxieties that are truly a mere waste of brain space and start living your life. Wanna come to Mardi Gras with me? Your birthday is this summer. It’s going to be a hot one so cool it down by taking some hikes, swims, baths with loved ones, you know. Be cognizant of social situations this month, don’t strike up conversations with people who you may suspect don’t want you to waste their time. You’re remarkably good at reading people, put it to good use. You’re not as good as Libra, however, so ask their advice. You will be enlightened my friend. — C.

Leo
All is fair in love and war, right? Not always with you, Leo. I think you should rekindle old relationships you’ve written off in the past because who knows, maybe things could be sparked once more? Preoccupied by another? so what, do it anyways. Happy Valentine’s. And Black History Month. — C.

Virgo
Pretty sirens aren’t supposed to go flat, it’s not supposed to happen like thaaaaaat. Even of Montreal knows, Virgo , your ass is boring. Spice things up a bit. I recommend a heavy dose of alcohol related sexual mishaps (getting Felded, as opposed to Haimed) and find some hearts to break. Start by doping someone into thinking you’re interesting. — C.

Libra
Stop over thinking things, Libra. Next time you feaux break-up with someone, they’ll take the words right out of your mouth for you. Your charming ways won’t always come in handy for you, instead they may be causing you more confusion than success, especially in work relationships. Draw the line, Libra. I recommend you keep your witty wits about you, remember to consider others’ feelings amidst your rampages, you devil you. It’s a rough life being so perfect, we all know. — C.

Scorpio
Life is an endless adventure with you, Scorpio. What the hell is going on in your head? Jealousy, possessiveness, and ferocity are all emotions we feel, but jesus-get ‘em under wraps. — C.

Sagittarius
Sagittarius, you’ve always been my favorite. These next upcoming months are going to be the utmost fun you’ve ever had, ever. Life is good, Sagittarius. Be wary, however, don’t get beaten at your own game by someone you’d least expect. Gaining control of your emotions in certain situations can be hard, but just remember to hug it out. Life is hard, Sagittarius. — C.

Capricorn
You are growing very sleepy. Verrrry sleepy. Now, keep staring straight ahead while I get out of these cuffs. — A.

Aquarius
A word for the week: indifference. You might be described as incorrigible, but being indifferent is the antidote for caring about how people describe you. So get some polka dots out, wear some stripes, tear apart the curtains, wear it all. Not giving a shit looks great on you. — A.

Pisces
Your insatiable desire for attention this week will be all you think about next week in rehab. Because of this, I recommend stocking your body up on liquor and amphetamines. The good news is that rehab is a great way to get out of a bad relationship, Pisces, which is something you surely need to do right now. Or if you’re single, remind yourself of how miserable everyone you know in a relationship is. But remember, the grass is never greener on the other side. Unless you’ve been involuntarily committed. — A.