When I was pregnant for the first time, I went ALL OUT getting ready for the baby.  I researched crib bedding for hours.  Literally.  Hours.

I was lucky enough to find exactly what I wanted from Pottery Barn Kids.  It was a vintage baseball theme and it was adorable.  And since it was my first baby, my family and friends purchased most of it for me!  SCORE!

When baby number two came along and was also a boy, he received hand me downs by default.  Isn’t that what happens with second kids?  Why buy new crib bedding when I had perfectly good, barley used bedding readily available to me.  I mean, it was the second kid, no one was going to BUY me all new bedding and I sure as hell wasn’t going to pay for it.

The room he was going to inhabit was serving as the guest room had already been painted in shades of green, which would work perfectly for our new addition.  It even matched the existing baby bedding!  SCORE!

But now baby number three is on its way.  We’re going to be moving into a new house right before it arrives.  It *might* be a girl.  I totally need new baby decor and gear, right?  My 5 year old baby bjorn and perfectly functioning, but no longer new, swing will just HAVE to be replaced.

Except…I’ve apparently developed cultivated expensive tastes in the past few years.

There are things that I want.  Things which I can not afford.

Like this bedding from Amenity Home.  Because OMG, BUNNIES!

Or this sling from Sakura Bloom. Because, well…just because.

Or this bouncy seat. How cool is THAT thing?!

You get the idea.  I, sadly, haven’t won the lottery recently.  So, also sadly, these things will have to remain on my “wish” list.  Because I’m pretty sure my  husband will be opposed to me spending a year’s worth of diaper money on a sling I’ll probably never rarely use. No matter how pretty it is.  DAMMIT DJ.

Why can’t my tastes mirror my aiming low lifestlye?

Also, why is my husband justified in spending $350 on a golf club that only HE can enjoy and I can’t spend $350 on something that will keep my newborn child warm and cozy on a cold winter’s night? Also, BUNNIES!

Oh, right.  Him leaving the house to USE the golf club means he’s out of my hair for a few hours he’ll be relaxed and happy when he comes home, which really will benefit us all.

Wait.  What was I talking about again?

Until recently it had been years since I had regular manicures. Seven years to be exact. I tried, but after the twins were born no manicure lasted more than a couple of days because of all the hand washing and the rest of the work of being a mom and keeping a house. It seemed like wasted money.

So I have been doing my own nails, pretty badly, for several years. When a huge, swanky, new natural nail salon opened near my house I got a pedicure, but politely declined to review their menu of manicure services. You must try this new manicure by OPI, they said. It’s a natural gel manicure with no fumes that dries immediately and lasts 2 – 3 weeks. Yeah, right.

I used to have fake nails back when I was practicing law. It completed the scary lawyer bitch persona I needed to have. I hated those things. Oh, it looked wonderful for the first couple of hours while I touched nothing that could mess them up, but then I would notice some imperfection around the edge and start picking. Within a few days the edges would lift and I would spend a significant part of my day inspecting my nails and trying to get dirt out from under the edges. I almost went mad. It was a relief to get them off for good.

I said yes to that OPI manicure. Maybe I was tired of my nails looking so scraggly, tired of looking at ridges and ragged cuticles and my chipped, poorly applied polish. They also offered me half off. That helped.

So this thing is by OPI. It’s called an Axxium gel manicure (click on Axxium under Hands/Feet to see colors). They apply 4 layers of base coat, gel, color and top coat, each of which is cured under a UV lamp. Then it’s dry, like dig in the bottom of your purse for your keys dry. And shiny! Nothing to pick at, no lifting. Then something happened that has never happened for me before, I forgot about my nails. They were so perfect and beautiful that there was no need to obsess.

Two weeks went by, then three. I had a bit of space where my nails had grown, but otherwise this manicure looked identical to the day I got it. They soak right off in acetone and then you get a new manicure. There is zero damage to your nails, so you can stop anytime. You can file them down if they get too long and that doesn’t affect the integrity of the polish at all. The whole thing is just freaky.

Here’s the proof. Both sides of my nails at 2 1/2 weeks.

At my salon the Axxium manicure is $40. That is more than a regular manicure, but it is guaranteed for two weeks. I can go three. You do the math. Yes, it’s an expense, but one I am happy to pay because this product is AS ADVERTISED.

All my friends know that when I find an amazing product I become a zealous evangelist for it, so here it comes. GET THEE TO AN OPI AXXIUM GEL MANICURIST IMMEDIATELY. You will thank me.

I’ve taken an informal poll amongst my lady friends, as well as our very astute Aiming Low readers and according to them, these are the top 15 ways for men to make sure they don’t have to partake in the drudgery of sex anytime soon—or possibly ever again.

1. Talk about your junk in the third person. With a cute nickname—preferably one preceded by Mister. That’s always hot.

2. Show your sensitive side by saying things like “Are you stressed? I noticed you’re breaking out again”

3. Say things like “Who’s your daddy?” and “tube steak.” Squicking out your lady is a total aphrodisiac.

4. When your wife or sigoth tells you that you snore like a freight train, tell her no other woman has ever told you that. Then make sure to NOT get some damned Breathe Right strips. No. We love it when men snort like wild boars all night long.

5. Fart and boob jokes. Make lots of them. Immaturity turns us on. Take it to the next level by farting as often as possible, especially in bed, and laughing about it.

6. Push your woman’s head into your crotch. We so appreciate subtlety.

7. Mention her weight. Things like “Have you put on weight?” or “You need to start exercising” are really effective. And whatever you do  NEVER ask if she’s LOST weight. That might get you a blowjob and that is not the goal here.

8. Cough and hork up big globs of mucous. Repeat often.

9. When the baby cries, you should turn to your sigoth and say “The baby is crying” and then start watching TV again.

10. Blow your nose as loudly a possible ALL THE TIME because nothing is sexier than a human tuba. Also, make sure to inspect the contents of the tissue intently, preferably in public. And if you REALLY want to seal the deal, blow your nose in the shower. With your hand.

11. Talk like a baby, especially during sexy time. Nothing says I AM A SEX GOD like a man who sounds like a 4 year old.

12. If your woman is home all day with children, show her that you are totally not sensitive to her inability to get ANY personal time by asking her when was the last time she showered. After that, you should ask her why the house isn’t clean while you sit on your ass and watch Sportscenter.

13. Don’t even TRY to be smooth. Say things like “Wanna do it? or “Are you gonna give me the skins?” Warning: the latter may make some women throw up in their mouths.

14. Leave the bathroom totally polluted after camping out in there for a half hour and be sure to NEVER utilize the courtesy flush. When you come out, say something really sexy about pinching a loaf. No, really. We love to hear about stuff like that.

15. Make sure to NOT know where the clitoris is. Poke around for it like a blind man. If and when you do find it, rub it raw and then look at her expectantly. Up the ante by saying something really romantical like “Are you ready now?”

Did we forget anything?

Coming soon…we ask the menfolk the same question. Stay tuned!

I know that it has been over a week since The Bachelor ended but I wanted to share some final thoughts with all of you who have taken this epic journey of love with me. The season finale was a painful watching experience to say the least.

Let me rephrase. It WOULD have been a painful experience.

I did not watch the entire hour and a half or two hours or whatever amount of fluff they aired. I would apologize to you all for not watching every mind numbing minute but I feel like the fact that I flat out refused would only make you all more proud of me.

So in the first hour(ish) we saw both of the girls meeting Boy Wonder’s family. I’m guessing, you know from what I read on twitter, that they loved Tenley and HATED Vienna. Honestly, who wouldn’t?

For those out there who didn’t know the outcome this should have been the point where light bulbs started flashing manically.

After family time the girls each got ONE MORE DATE. What happened on these dates? Well let me tell you. Jake and Vienna made soft core porn and Jake and Tenley did not.

That said.

Jake picked Vienna.

I read Reality Steve at Ali’s suggestion way back at the beginning of the season so I knew this was going to happen.  What I didn’t know is how it would happen. I did not predict Jake being such an out-and-out tool. I wish you could see my impression of him but alas I don’t do video so just imagine it, it’s funny I swear.

Because it wasn’t enough to make people sit through an hour of filler, ABC decided to air After the Final Rose, immediately following the season finale. Is that normal, do they always do that? I don’t know but here’s what I took away from that nonsense.

Chris Harrison has got to be the biggest douche of a host EVER. The pure delight he gets in making people relive painful memories is down right masochistic.

Tenley came out and spewed her typical rainbows and sunshine. Boring. She didn’t even really try to make Jake squirm when he was brought out to face her. Again, boring.

Jake said and I quote “Vienna’s my baby (insert crowd awww)….I’ve never had this much (raised eyebrow) heat in a relationship”. Then I barfed a little. He rambled on and on and on about how wonderful Vienna was/is and I didn’t see the point in listening so I tuned out to catch up on Words with Friends.

Chris made fun of Jake for pulling a Mesnek, whatever that means. I didn’t watch last season or the one before so whatever.

Vienna and her wandering eye came out to join Jake and Chris and defend her honor against the horrible tabloids. I’m sure there are some false stories rumbling around out there but really can the all be false.

Dear god, in a season that saw more cheesy moments than nearly all of the past seasons combined, ABC really outdid themselves by getting Jeffrey Osborne to come on and sing the theme song. Gag me with a spoon.

Surprise surprise, fan (and personal) favorite Ali is going to be the next bachelorette. As much as it saddens me to admit it, I am looking forward to watching next season. I hope she can regain a little of her dignity and find someone who isn’t a complete tool. I hope you’ll all join me in watching next season, I promise many more snarky recaps.

We have questions.  Twitter has answers.

And, it’s there where we find…the skinny.

This week I sat down with the darling of the blog world, Jill from Scary Mommy.   I met Jill at a cocktail party last year.  We made fun of drunk people.  I love her.

1. What is your favorite big-girl drink?

I’m into spiked root beer floats at the moment. I invented one a few months ago and life hasn’t been the same since: Root beer, vanilla vodka and a scoop of ice cream. You’re welcome.

2. What TV mom you are most like?

I love Claire from Modern Family and see a lot of myself in her. You know, if I were a petite blonde with perfect hair.

3. What is your preferred method for disciplining your husband, silent treatment or verbal lashing?

My husband is a bit of an attention whore, so the silent treatment really does the trick and drives him totally crazy. It’s awesome.

4. Must have dessert?

Anything chocolate— I have zero willpower. Add the world “molten” and “cake” to the mix and I’ve already gained two pounds on my ass.

5. Movie you can quote line by line?

I’m ashamed to say Alvin & The Chipmunks. If I ever end up in a mental institution, that will be the reason.

6. Favorite zoo animal?

I’m a sucker for any baby animal. I almost stole a baby polar bear from the zoo once. Well, not really. but I wanted to. Bad.

7. What internet time suck are you most addicted to?

My blog. I spend hours changing around sidebars and playing with plugins. It’s a complete waste since nobody ever notices but me. I also get sucked in Twitter. Stumble Upon is great for that, too. Clearly, I spend entirely too much time online!

Want to participate in next week’s Skinny?  Make sure you are following us on twitter!

Think you can do better? Share your wittiest captions in the comments. If you make me pee my pants, you totally win!

The last time I enjoyed a video game was in 1981, and I was playing Frogger with my younger brothers. Every game I’ve played since then sucks balls. Not frog balls, just regular balls.

Do frogs even have balls? I’d Google it, but I’m worried about the porn results that may show up. Animal porn doesn’t do it for me. Actually, I have no idea if it does. I’ve never watched any, but if I won’t eat animal products I probably shouldn’t watch animal porn.

I bet vegans are totally against animal porn.

OK, back on track. Video games… I hate ‘em. This wouldn’t be a problem, but I spend my day among nerds. If you don’t personally know a nerd I’ll quickly list everything in the world they care about:

GODDAMN VIDEO GAMES
PHP
The Sci-Fi Channel
Instant Oatmeal
Star Trek
Steve Jobs

Seriously, that’s it. Want to guess how many of those things I care about?

Yeah, none.

So you can imagine my fury when the entire workday is spent listening to video game discussions. I’d rather talk about frog balls, which are probably absolutely adorable.

I never believed in loving inanimate objects.

Actually, I did used to believe up until last year that things had feelings and thoughts.

But I didn’t believe there was a place in my world for me to love something that didn’t love me back.

Until 3 years ago when my Lappy came home from the Mecca of Macs, the Apple store.

Oh, Lappy. Dear Lappy. I love you.

Lappy is 3 years old, and in computer years, that’s about 78-1/2, and STILL, Lappy keeps living like Elizabeth Taylor. Lappy may not have a 15-year-old White Diamonds perfume commercial making her look fuzzy and creepily admired by 23-year-old hunks, but at least Lappy hasn’t left me for 9 other marriages and Michael Jackson. Lappy is SO way better than Elizabeth Taylor.

Lappy, you failed me once. I took you back thanks to your warranty. You nearly failed me again, but thanks to Baby Jeebus and Oprah that my husband is a nerd/wizard/geeky tech guy and was able to bring you back to life since you have out-lived your factory warranty.

Screw you, factory warranty. You are no longer needed for my love.

My Lappy.

Lappy is with me nearly more than my kids. I work with Lappy. I laugh with Lappy. I need Lappy.

Lappy has been through battle. Lappy has been on many trips with me. Lappy has been scoffed at, dropped, ignored, had stickers put upon, and still, Lappy lives for me.

Lappy has been injured where my excessive typing has rubbed away the delicate plastic paint under my rapidly keyboard-clicking hands.

I believe Lappy loves me back.

And I love Lappy.

[Photo Credit: Angie Lynch]

You know when you find that one specific kind of underwear that just fits your body perfectly?  The one specific kind of underwear that you would gladly wear every day if it wasn’t for the, you know, stink factor.   A couple years ago I found those very underwear.  They were boyshorts and I had three designs—one purple and gray striped, one blue paisley, and one polka-dot.

I wore those underwear a lot, and all the washing began to take its toll.

Commence frantic search.

I searched, not knowing where they were originally from because I had purchased them at TJMaxx.

I called everyone I knew, with the same spiel, “If you see these Steve underwear, in extra large, you have to buy them for me!”

I posted on a bulletin board—that I was a part of—about it, asking dozens of women to keep their eyes peeled for Steve panties (and I preferred the boyshorts, but any would do).

I searched all of the major department stores, asking if they carried Steve underwear, to no avail.

I would do extensive internet searches.  Surely someone online was as infatuated with these Steve underwear as I was.

Nothing.  Zip.  No undies for you.

In the meantime I would purchase other brands.   Nothing ever came close to those Steve ones, though, and I continued to wear the ones I had.

Sadly, one ripped in the crotch, another ripped on the side, and while I contemplated sewing them I never quite got around to it.

I was left with one pair—the purple and gray striped ones—and I resigned myself to never finding any Steve to clothe my girly-bits with ever again.

Then one day, while at Kohl’s with Olivia (who knew my Steve plight all too well), she spotted a pair of panties that looked just like my favorite Steves.

“Mama, look!  STEVE!”

“Oh my gosh!  My Steves!” I exclaimed as I tore them from her little hands so that I might press them to my bosom like a long-lost lover.

Smiling, feeling fulfilled, I looked at the tag to be certain they were the ones I’d been searching for all this time.

ST.EVE*

Saint(period)Eve

Yes, it is apparent that I am a moron.

____________________________

*In my defense a guy named Steve DID create the company, and the the name is derived from that.   It just would have been helpful if I was asking everyone to look for ‘SAINT EVE’ and not Steve.

It’s that time of year…at least it is for us gardening-type people. This is the time of year we start dreaming of spring. If you’re very lucky you live in one of those states or provinces like California or British Columbia and if you’re not gardening and growing things already, you will be very soon. This makes me very jealous.

I live in the Province of Ontario, Canada, which means that this is the time of year that makes us Ontarians want to throw ourselves off of the nearest bridge. And to make matters worse, the snow just really arrived here a couple of days ago. True, the official first day of spring is a mere three weeks away, but real, green, lush, late-spring, summery weather won’t arrive until months from now. Remind me again why I live here.

Now that I’m a mom, I’ve started to think not just about what kinds of plants I want to grow in my vegetable garden, but what kinds of plants my son Nate and I will have fun growing together someday. I have lots of friends with toddlers or school-aged children, and I have them in mind, too, when I consider the possibilities.

The best plants to grow from seed with little kids are the ones that are more dramatic in the beginning. Since our little sprouts have a limited attention span, you’ll want to grow things that sprout rather quickly so they won’t lose interest.

To grow seedlings with your child, you’ll need:

• A container to use as a pot. When I was a kid styrofoam cups were pretty commonly used, but these days they are not considered to be ecologically friendly. I’d go with a plastic yogurt container washed out well, some holes poked in the bottom for drainage.
• Soil. You can buy a bag of seed-starting mix at any garden centre. Potting soil is okay, but a seed-starting mix is “fluffier” than potting soil, which allows air to get at the seed, which is also important for germination. Just follow the instructions on the bag for adding moisture to the mix.
• Seeds! You can buy seeds this time of year at specialty garden shops or online, but places like Lowe’s or Home Depot usually have a huge selection of seeds. Try not to get overwhelmed, in fact, by how big the selection is. Zero in on the kind of plant you want to grow and focus your shopping efforts there. Buy something you’d like to eat, and preferably, something your kids might like to eat. They may not be into eating veggies yet, but you’d be surprised by the interest that is generated when kids find out how food is grown, and when they participate in growing it, too.
• Water. Plants need water. This shouldn’t be news to anyone.

To grow seeds:

• Fill your plastic cup with soil. The soil will probably settle a bit when you water the seed.
• Make a hole in the centre of the soil using the end of a pencil, a chopstick, or your little one’s finger.
• Place the seed in the hole, following directions on the package as to how deep the seed should be planted.
• Place the seed in the hole. Kids’ little fingers are the perfect size for this job, too!
• Cover the seed with more soil.
• Water the seed.
• Place the cup in a warm, sunny place, like the kitchen window. If you live in a warmer climate, you can also leave your cup outside. Be careful not to let it dry out.
• Wait, and watch for sprouting!

In terms of deciding what seeds to start with, beans are great to grow with kids. The seeds are large enough for small hands to grasp and handle easily. If you have a trellis or a fence you can grow varieties marked as “pole beans”, but if you want to grow your bean plant in a pot or in the ground, stick to “bush beans.”

Another great plant to grow with kids is naturtium. Nasturtiums are annual flowers that are also edible. They make pretty garnishes and you can eat both the blooms and the leaves, which have a peppery flavour. We call nasturtiums “nasties,” and I always have some in my garden. The seeds germinate fairly quickly, like beans, and the seeds themselves look like little brains, which ups their cool factor considerably.

Other large, easy-to-handle, fast-growing seeds include peas, corn, squash (this includes all varieties of pumpkins and zucchini) and sunflowers. Check the package details for growing instructions. When your seedling gets large enough, you can transfer it from your yogurt pot to the ground or a larger pot.

You’ll have a little gardener on your hands before you know it!