A is for Anarchy

#BritishProblems

rosencrantzandguildenstern@hotmail.co.uk (Rosencrantz and Guildenstern) — Tue, 12 Feb 2013 17:58:00 GMT

1) Not being able to eat crisps in public because you're too worried your mouth would drown out a pneumatic drill

2) Writing a modest personal statement or CV because you don't want to seem boastful

3) Dealing with a queue-jumper by staring at the back of their head in the hope laser beams will shoot from your eyes

4) Realising you've walked into the wrong shop and being forced to browse for a bit anyway, to avoid the embarrassment of leaving

5) Not quite hearing someone's name at the first introduction and being forced to realise you can now never speak to them again

- Rosencrantz -

Awaiting Deportation...

rosencrantzandguildenstern@hotmail.co.uk (Rosencrantz and Guildenstern) — Wed, 23 Jan 2013 20:26:00 GMT

"You have failed the practice citizenship test.
Questions answered correctly: 10 out of 24 (42%)
Time taken: 05 minutes 21 seconds"

Oops! How am I not British? I live in Britain and spend most of my time stood in a que and tutting. We need a new British Citizenship test, questions like:

1) If England football team enter a penalty shoot out, what will happen;
a) England will win
b) England will lose

2) Something is troubling you, what do you do?
a) Panic
b) Sort the problem
c) Don't worry about it and make a cup of tea

3) What is the first thing you think of when the word "bus" is mentioned?
a) Transportant
b) Pass
c) Late

- Guildenstern

Ignorance; thy name is the Sun

rosencrantzandguildenstern@hotmail.co.uk (Rosencrantz and Guildenstern) — Tue, 15 Jan 2013 16:36:00 GMT

This was in the Sun. Ten simple questions were asked to a 1000 people, resulting in 10% correctly answering all ten. These were the questions and answers:

1) What is the first line of the National Anthem? God save our gracious Queen

2) What date was the Battle of Hastings? 1066

3) Who invented the telephone? Alexander Graham Bell

4) How many wives did King Henry VIII have? 6

5) Who wrote Oliver Twist? Charles Dickens

6) Name the four members of the Beatles. John Lennon, Paul McCartney, George Harrison, Ringo Star

7) Which famous nurse was known as the Lady with the Lamp? Florence Nightingale

8) Where was William Shakespeare born? Stratford-upon-Avon

9) Who famously robbed from the rich to give to the poor? Robin Hood

10) Who composed Land of Hope and Glory? Edward Elgar

I got 9/10; I didn’t know the last question. However, my problem is that two of the answers given in the Sun are incorrect or debatable at the very least. Alexander Graham Bell did not invent the telephone. Antonio Meucci demonstrated the teletrofono in 1860 and filed for a patent of sorts in 1871. Meucci fell ill and did not renew his patent in 1874 and Bell patent for the telephone was registered in 1876. In 2004 it was said that Meucci work on the invention of the telephone should be acknowledged as a part of his achievements. King Henry VIII did not have six wives. He had two or four if you are a Catholic. This is due to his marriage to Anne of Cleves being annulled, his marriage to Anne Boleyn was declared illegal for he was still married to Catherine of Aragon. Before Anne Boleyn was executed, Henry annulled the marriage. A similar process happened to Catherine Howard, the marriage was annulled due to the act, which Henry passed, of treason committed by a queen if she commits adultery, which she did before and during the marriage.

This is yet another dig at the British public being stupid. However, the Sun top it by including themselves in that list by taking blind general ignorance as truth. Thank God for QI, without which we would be ruled by these idiots. A programme that teaches us that everything we know or think we know is wrong. Ignorance is the only thing we can cling onto from these damn newspapers. The other questions I assume are correct until proven otherwise by Stephen Fry, who I would believe over my own sense and mind.

Sorry for the history lesson and sorry that I did it, for Rosencrantz is the history buff around here. My field is science and sadly science fiction which, I know a dangerous amount about. Between us, we have a fair bit of knowledge in a few different subjects (not to sound arrogant or nothing). However, neither of us are competent in maths, post GCSE maths. Myself and Rosencrantz remember our A level maths lessons with a certain amount of dread and panic. Thankfully we seem to have the ability to erase information that is not useful from our brains and maths was deleted quite quickly after our Core 4 exam (much to Rosencrantz's detrement when she found herself with a seasonal job involving mental arithmetic), now neither of us know what a surd is or what we do with it. However this backfired on myself when I took a science course in which, maths was included. I would like to point out I did in the end get a distinction in maths and will be rubbing that in the face of those who doubted me at A level until the end of time.

- Guildenstern

P.s. Rosencrantz, please edit this if I'm wrong! I don't want to look like an idiot!

Ros: Done :)

Now with Added Contents!

rosencrantzandguildenstern@hotmail.co.uk (Rosencrantz and Guildenstern) — Tue, 15 Jan 2013 16:22:00 GMT

Firstly and foremost; housekeeping and very Happy New Year to you, dear faithful reader. Or Rosencrantz, if she is the only one reading this. Hello, and here's to a good 2013! We, myself, Guildenstern and the afore mentioned Rosencrantz will try to update this blog more often during this year. That, however, is NOT a promise. No, we are not Liberal Democrats. We do not make promises we are unlikely to commit to. I, for one, will not do a Nick Clegg on here in six months time, telling everyone (you our single reader) that I am sorry. We all know the life gets very much in the way. Both myself and Rosencrantz are students, we are sometimes very busy appearing to be studying. No but in all seriousness, we do work hard. This was the main reason behind the dropping of the Podcast. Well, there were a few reasons; one, it took well over two years from initial planning to the recording of episode one. Two, episode one took 14 hours to record. We are not actors and there was a lot of laughing involved, (most of this is explained here). And three, Rosencrantz didn't want anyone she really knew listening to it. I've re-listened to it and it's rather embarrassing. But I've had a look of the things we wrote and I'm proud of some of the material. So hopefully we'll be bring this stuff to you in a blog/script/sketch of some form on here.
Now that is enough housekeeping, on to the contents...

- Guildenstern

The Sun, the Moon and the Shark

rosencrantzandguildenstern@hotmail.co.uk (Rosencrantz and Guildenstern) — Sat, 9 Jun 2012 22:29:00 +0100

This was a story which, appeared in the news a while ago. It's actually from my Physics coursework (it's not really physics, but it was in my physic lesson, so that sort of counts), it's about how the media misrepresents scientific discoveries. I love that I can write rants in my coursework and prove that there really are some idiots out there.

The Sun ran the story that the killer shark that killed a man in the Seychelles was guided to the bay by the moon. The source of this story says that the shark will strike again at the full moon. The source for this was a fisherman. This story lacks sense as well as science since they based the attacks on two people who were killed by apparently two different sharks. Science wise, the tide is higher at a full moon so there would be a greater chance at the time to see a water dwelling creature. But it doesn’t mean that sharks hunt by it, they are sharks not fictitious werewolves.

- Guildenstern (With science brain fully functioning due to the editing of my science essays. You're lucky you just have this story. I promise I won't post my explanation of the Acid Dissociation Constant. Yes, I'm a huge science geek. Sorry.)

Bank Holidays, BBQ's and Baked Potatoes

rosencrantzandguildenstern@hotmail.co.uk (Rosencrantz and Guildenstern) — Mon, 4 Jun 2012 19:21:00 +0100

In celebration of our Queen’s Diamond Jubilee, it seems each town in the country has held a party of some sort. This is madness for it is a Bank Holiday weekend which, are always exclusively rained off, so you generally avoid planning anything out doors. Bank Holidays are typical examples of the indoor BBQ, where you have risked buying coals and started lighting the BBQ outside but have also set the cooker on standby and are sat in preparation, with your plate full of salad, ready to dive into the house as soon as the first drop of precipitation falls from the sky and bung your remaining sausages under the grill. However, one brave member of your party remains outside in defiance, under an umbrella, poking the coals which, refuse to light, begging to the clouds not to ruin another attempt to cook and eat meat outside.

Today, having learnt from previous BBQ-ing attempts, we decided to attend the “sort of” party in the town. My town decided to hold its party in the park with a precision of one of the many Bag Pipe bands we have for a small seaside market town, over four hundred miles south of the Scottish border. They were followed by ten members of the council, a group of sea cadets, five people of a majorette group (not even doing a majorette routine, literally just walking) and a man in a white van. Somehow that seemed to constitute a “parade” which, ended in the park where, apparently, there was plenty of entertainment. This entertainment was a stand with a DJ and four fast food vans. But not your usual fast food vans where you would expect burgers and chips. No, but two vans selling Baked Potatoes! Yes, Baked Potatoes. Two of them! Why? How do you serve Baked Potatoes as a fast food? Even worse than that, they were just selling the Baked Potatoes for two pound each, the fillings were additional. Two pound for someone just to hand you a plain Baked Potato!

- Guildenstern

The Weirdest Things I Have Ever Found

rosencrantzandguildenstern@hotmail.co.uk (Rosencrantz and Guildenstern) — Thu, 17 May 2012 15:02:00 +0100

I found it in Blackpool a few months ago and still remains undefeated of weird things I’ve have found. It was a back scratcher/shoe horn!? What!? Why would anyone need that? Who is cramming their feet into ill fitting shoes and thinks “My back is itching; I wish I could scratch it.”

The other I found a few weeks ago at work. It was vacuum packed pigs ears? Why? And why do we have them at a garage? I’ve never heard anyone say, “I’m just popping to the shop; I’ll get milk and bread. And pigs ears.”
- Guildenstern

Change of Plan

rosencrantzandguildenstern@hotmail.co.uk (Rosencrantz and Guildenstern) — Wed, 9 May 2012 17:15:00 +0100

Greetings, bey's, maid's and anyone in between.

So here's the situation. Due to unforeseen circumstances (mainly the insane and unpredicted workload that comes with a history degree) we are disbanding the podcast. I just simply haven't got time to edit it and now live primarily in a separate county from Guildenstern so we haven't really been able to record it either. Wah, wah, cry, cry. Apologies for any disappointment or discomfort this message may have caused you . I will admit that's probably quite unlikely as, to be fair, very few have downloaded it. I mean seriously guys, where's the love? However, just when you were all descending into a spiral of despair, never fear! As a reasonable alternative we will be continuing to update the blog and facebook page so why not merrily skip on over to the link helpfully provided in the box to your right and follow us. Audience participation is encouraged but not mandatory.

Much Love,

Your Loyal Servant Rosencrantz

xxx

Why must we live like peasants?...

rosencrantzandguildenstern@hotmail.co.uk (Rosencrantz and Guildenstern) — Mon, 23 Apr 2012 15:31:00 +0100

Things I love about University:

Having unlimited hot water, quite literally, on tap.

Not having to collect firewood for the wood-burner.

Not having to put up with WiFi that is so painfully slow I feel it would be quicker to attach a handwritten note to a snail than send an email.

So I suppose what I love most about University is being able to live in the Twenty-First Century.

- Rosencrantz

The first of many lists

rosencrantzandguildenstern@hotmail.co.uk (Rosencrantz and Guildenstern) — Sun, 4 Dec 2011 22:37:00 GMT

Things I love about train travel:

1) The romanticism of it
2) The building excitement as you reach your destination (in this case an amazing gig)
3) The person sat a few seats away from you who you fall in love with, despite the fact that you never speak to them, only to find to your dismay that they aren't alighting at your station.
4) Children who find the whole concept of train travel fascinating (in an adorable way)

Things I hate about train travel:

1) Switching trains
2) Delays
3) The obligatory mad person (on the outward journey she sat telling whichever unfortunate person it was on the other end of the phone that she is in fact normal. The fact that she had to clarify this made me suspicious. On the return journey he ate an entire fresh pineapple using a penknife.)
4) The person sat a few seats away from you who you fall in love with, despite the fact that you never speak to them, only to find to your dismay that they aren't alighting at your station.
5) Children who find the whole concept of train travel fascinating (in an annoying way)
6) Judgmental passengers (it was the effects of caffeine and nothing stronger)

...I am aware of the irony - Rosencrantz

All you need is a vocabulary.

rosencrantzandguildenstern@hotmail.co.uk (Rosencrantz and Guildenstern) — Thu, 10 Nov 2011 23:23:00 GMT

Please imagine the annoying accent yourself.

I was subject to the following conversation:

Chav: EMO! EMO!

Me (Rosencrantz): Excuse me?

Chav: Where's all your friends Emo?

Me: I think you will find referring to me as an Emo is a faulty syllogism. What you appear to have done is taken two unrelated pieces of information, possibly but not necessarily, the fact that I have a relatively long black coat and that I don't appear to be wearing a cap at a jaunty angle and reached the incorrect conclusion that I must be an Emo.

Chav (with a blank expression): What are you on drugs or something?

Me: No I'm on an education. Toodle pip.

I have an addiction to Coke

rosencrantzandguildenstern@hotmail.co.uk (Rosencrantz and Guildenstern) — Mon, 17 Oct 2011 20:35:00 +0100

I suppose the first step is admitting you have a problem.

Rosencrantz

I respect my elders because apparently they have superpowers

rosencrantzandguildenstern@hotmail.co.uk (Rosencrantz and Guildenstern) — Wed, 12 Oct 2011 18:52:00 +0100

I really do love living in the West Country of Great Britain. On the day of the autumn heat wave the local news informed us that the snow gritters have been put on standby. Also the news reader said "... the South West suffers from more extreme weather like floods and heat waves. This is due to the elderly." That is what the news reader actually said, I think she might have been confused. I believe she might have meant the elderly suffer from the extreme heat waves not that they cause heat waves.
- Guildenstern

The Suey Decimal System

rosencrantzandguildenstern@hotmail.co.uk (Rosencrantz and Guildenstern) — Wed, 12 Oct 2011 18:17:00 +0100

Chinese takeaways are well known for their numbering system, like the dewey decimal classification in libraries except you get food not books. Although my Dad did get a calender from our local takeaway once and I've still no idea why. So all the dishes are labelled as numbers, yes. From number 1 to how many dishes they have, yes. So it's simple when ordering, you just say a number. Then why on earth has my local got options 9 and 9a! Why go number every dish not to number every dish with a number of its own. Your ruining your own system. Numbers aren't like letters, you don't run out after the 26th. You have from 1 to the biggest number you can think of, an infinite number of numbers, why go back to being constricted by the 26 letters of the alphabet. However, I understand many places use this number option along with a letter option and it's normally done to options that are similar or only differ slightly. But not my local; option 34) Beef Chop Suey, option 34a) Chicken with Green Pepper and Black Bean Sauce! What!
Guildenstern

Feminism is fine until there's a heavy bucket

rosencrantzandguildenstern@hotmail.co.uk (Rosencrantz and Guildenstern) — Sun, 9 Oct 2011 16:33:00 +0100


Print provided by printsregent.blogspot.com

-THE FOLLOWING POST IS THE OPINION OF ROSENCRANTZ AND MAY NOT COINCIDE WITH THE VIEWS OF THE COLLEAGUE-

On the other hand it may as I didn't ask.

I am a full supporter of feminism and wholeheartedly believe that women are just as capable as any man in any profession and in anything they chose to do and should be treated accordingly. However, I will not suddenly become offended if a nice guy happens to offer to carry something for me or help me with something that in anyway resembles manual labour. Perhaps I'm an enemy of the cause, perhaps I care far to much about the state of my nails and perhaps I am far to quick to declare myself a frail little girl or a damsel in distress when the bucket of disgusting water, leaking from what to me is the mystery pipe, under the sink needs to be emptied. To me being offered this help is not sexism, this is chivalry. What woman can honestly say that when something difficult and disgusting needs doing they would prefer to handle it themselves for some mistaken sense of pride than let that helpful fellow who lives down the street (or in my current case down the corridor) handle it. For me it is enough to know that I could do whatever it is (probably) without having to go through the discomfort of actually having to do it. And anyway, if you can use your womanly wiles to convince some poor unsuspecting man to do the gross stuff for you surely that makes you more in control and less of a victim... take that Germaine Greer.

Musicism

rosencrantzandguildenstern@hotmail.co.uk (Rosencrantz and Guildenstern) — Tue, 4 Oct 2011 17:29:00 +0100

Well what are all the non-ravers meant to do? Just grow beards!?

They're spats. I wear spats now. Spats are cool.

rosencrantzandguildenstern@hotmail.co.uk (Rosencrantz and Guildenstern) — Tue, 20 Sep 2011 17:19:00 +0100

I'm not going to say I have too many pairs of shoes as, not only would that be physically impossible but that would also give far too much power to my father and brother, who seem to think three pairs is enough. All they seem to require is a smart pair for work and other stuff which requires you to be both physically and mentally smart, a pair of trainers for the weekend and training (or if you are reading this in America a pair of sneakers for... sneaking?) and an optional posh pair for use with a suit and events which require you to pretend to be posh. Now for some, perhaps even most men, I am sure this is enough. However, for your average girl this is not enough. What my male relatives don't seem to grasp is that girls don't buy shoes to match events, girls buy shoes to match outfits... which are initially purchased for an event. As you can imagine this is what leads to a storage predicament. Well I have the answer to all you shoe fanatics! The answer is spats. Spats are perhaps one of the greatest inventions. Ever. Perhaps storing the copious amounts of shoes necessary in daily life is just a girl problem, although in this world of the metro-sexual I can only assume it is a common issue which affects many men as well. Now just take a moment to consider how much easier it would be to store varying amounts of cloth. A spat can transform any pair of shoes instantly... well instantly once you have got the hang of putting them on. This means the more spats you buy the more styles of shoes you have.
To conclude this is Rosencrantz instructing you never to be afraid of a good spat.

Please ignore the housekeeping

rosencrantzandguildenstern@hotmail.co.uk (Rosencrantz and Guildenstern) — Sat, 17 Sep 2011 22:22:00 +0100

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I have a dream...

rosencrantzandguildenstern@hotmail.co.uk (Rosencrantz and Guildenstern) — Sat, 17 Sep 2011 17:29:00 +0100

Art provided by printsregent.blogspot.com

Well strictly speaking that should be I had a dream... or even dream(s). Recently I dreamt I was a contestant on 'Dancing on Ice' and throughout the live show was unable to keep my ice-skates on my feet. To some this may seem comical but instead I awoke full of mind-numbing fear. Perhaps I should have informed you that, apparently, I have a phobia of dancing in public and what is quite possibly more disturbing is that this dream was one of many. Previous dreams have included my appearance on 'Strictly Come Dancing' and perhaps most spectacularly Guildenstern and myself performing the routine from the music video for OK Go's 'Here It Goes Again' on 'Let's Dance For Comic Relief'. I have a feeling a fear such as this may make the forth coming freshers events, for a virtual teetotaler such as myself, into a representation of 'The Battle of Jericho' in which I will have to put my complete faith into those who have done their up most to convince me that I will have fun. So "Go blow those rave whistles, Rosencrantz cries / 'Cause the battle is in my hands."

Episode_001_Absolute Beginners

rosencrantzandguildenstern@hotmail.co.uk (Rosencrantz and Guildenstern) — Sun, 4 Sep 2011 18:18:00 +0100

In the first episode of 'A is for Anarchy' Rosencrantz and Guildenstern ponder social injustice, the quality of local news reports and the boundaries between fiction and reality... It isn't as boring as it sounds. Honest.