A Joke A Day

blonde commit suicide

2010-10-26T01:32:00.000-04:00

A blonde decided to commit suicide by hanging herself from a tree in the park.
A few days later, a man was walking his dog and spotted her hanging from the tree. He asks the blonde what she is doing and she replies, "I'm hanging myself." "You're supposed to put the noose around your neck, not your waist," said the onlooker. "I tried that," replied the blonde, "but I couldn't breathe.
Wedding | Engagement

golf lesson

2010-10-20T01:36:00.000-04:00

A blonde arrived for her first golf lesson and the pro asked her to take a swing at a ball to see how she'd do.
The blonde did so and completely duffed the shot.
The pro said, "Your swing is good but you're gripping the club too hard. Grip the club gently as you would your husband's penis.”
The blonde took another shot and nailed the ball 275 yards straight down the fairway.
The pro said, "That was excellent!! Let's try it again, only this time take the club out of your mouth."
Sympathy

2010-10-17T01:38:00.000-04:00

What do Tony Blair and Peter Stringfellow have in common?....They both love bush. Retirement

Tony Blair vs Peter Stringfellow

2010-10-14T01:40:00.004-04:00

What do Tony Blair and Peter Stringfellow have in common?....They both love bush. Report Card Day

sing a country and western song backwards?

2010-10-11T00:05:00.000-04:00

What do you get when you sing a country and western song backwards? Your wife back, your house back and your dog back. New Job

why did orange stop?

2010-10-08T00:07:00.000-04:00

Why did the orange stop? Cause it ran out of juice
New Baby

worst at karaoke?

2010-10-05T00:07:00.000-04:00

Which country is the worst at Karaoke? Singapore
Job Promotion

am I a real polar bear?

2010-10-02T00:08:00.000-04:00

Baby polar bear asks his mum "am I a real polar bear?" "Yes son you are, why?" "Because I’m bloody freezing"
I'm Sorry | Apology

shortsighted circumciser?

2010-09-29T00:09:00.000-04:00

What happened to the shortsighted circumciser?
He got the sack.
House warming

broken finger

2010-09-26T00:01:00.000-04:00

A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream.
The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?"
She says, "No, I'm really a blonde".
"I thought so," he says. "You have a broken finger." Honeymoon

Disneyland Left

2010-09-23T00:01:00.002-04:00

Two blondes were going to Disneyland when they came to a fork in the road. The sign read: "Disneyland Left."
So they went home. Graduation | Convocation

who groped the blonde?

2010-09-20T00:01:00.002-04:00

Sitting together on a train, traveling through the Swiss Alps, are a South African, an Australian (both blokes), a young blonde lady, and a little old lady.
The train goes into a tunnel & a few seconds later there's the sound of a loud slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Australian has a bright red hand print on his cheek. No one speaks.
The old lady thinks: "That Australian must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped his cheek."
The blonde thinks: "That Australian must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady. She slapped his cheek"
The Australian thinks: "That South African must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead."
The South African thinks: "I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can slap that bloody Aussie again."
Get well soon

your hair smelt nice

2010-09-20T00:01:00.001-04:00

The supervisor of a local firm is startled when his secretary burst into his office and demands to file a complaint of sexual harassment against a man who works in the same department. 'What on earth did he do?' asks the boss. 'It's not what he did, it's what he said!' the secretary shrieks. 'He said that my hair smelt nice!' 'And what's so wrong with him telling you that?' asks the boss. 'He's a midget' huffs the woman. Family reunion

pope wear trunks in the bath?

2010-09-17T00:01:00.000-04:00

Why does the pope wear trunks in the bath? He doesn't like to look down on the unemployed.
Cheer up

gay magician

2010-09-14T00:01:00.000-04:00

Did you hear about the gay magician? He vanished with a poof.

Business|Corporate

dyslexic pimp

2010-09-11T00:01:00.000-04:00

Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp......he bought a warehouse.

Breakup | Divorce

Mickey Mouse has been thrown out of Disneyland

2010-09-08T00:01:00.000-04:00

Mickey Mouse has been thrown out of Disneyland. Not sure, but I heard it had something to do with Muffin the Mule.

Bon Voyage | Goodbye

Why did the snooker player go to the toilet?

2010-09-05T00:01:00.000-04:00

Why did the snooker player go to the toilet? To pot the brown.

Birthday

erotic vs kinky?

2010-09-02T00:01:00.004-04:00

What’s the difference between erotic and kinky?.....Erotic, you use a feather. Kinky you use the whole chicken.

Back To School

a light bulb vs a pregnant woman?

2010-08-30T00:01:00.002-04:00

What's the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant woman? You can unscrew a light bulb.

Baptism | Christening

guess what?

2010-08-27T00:01:00.000-04:00

What gets longer when pulled, fits between a women's tits, inserts neatly in a hole and works best when jerked hard? A Seat Belt.

Baby Shower

goes in dry and comes out wet?

2010-08-24T00:01:00.000-04:00

It goes in dry and it comes out wet, the longer it's in the stronger it gets, it comes out dripping and starts to sag... it's a Tetley's tea-bag.

Anniversary

monkey and chainsaw

2010-08-21T00:01:00.002-04:00

What's a monkey got in common with a chainsaw? They both shag up trees.

Veteran's Day

big hole for gold fish

2010-08-18T00:01:00.000-04:00

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to he politely asked: "What are you up to there, Tim?"
"My goldfish died" replied Tim tearfully without looking up "and I've just buried him".
The neighbour frowned. "That's an awfully big hole for a gold fish isn't it?"
Tim patted down the last piece of earth.
"Well", he replied, "that's because it's inside your cat."

Valentine's day

Bell four

2010-08-15T00:01:00.001-04:00

A fireman comes home from work one day and tells his wife "you know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station. Bell One rings and we all put on our jackets. Bell two rings and we all slide down the pole. Bell three rings and we're ready to go on the engines. "That's super dear" says his old lady. "From now on" continues the fire fighter "we're going to run this house the same way. When I say Bell one I want you to strip naked. When I say Bell two I want you to jump into bed. When I say Bell three we are going to have sex all night." So the next night the fireman comes home from work and yells "Bell one" and his wife takes of all her clothes. "Bell two" he shouts and she jumps into bed. "Bell three" he barks and they begin to have sex.. But after just a couple of minutes his wife yells "Bell four" "What’s this bell four?" the husband asks. "More hose" she replies "you're nowhere near the fire!"

Thanksgiving