Last week was my birthday, which is normally a nice excuse to relax a little bit or to do something fun. But on this particular birthday my schedule was challenging to navigate and I ended up spending most of the day busy and/or working. As a consequence I didn’t really get the relaxation or opportunity to reflect that I would normally do. However, I will take that opportunity now.

Upon reflection, I find that the fact that I didn’t find my birthday relaxing to be part of a larger problem. My life is pretty busy and full at the moment. Now, my life is busy and my time is occupied with things that I enjoy, but that does not mean that an abundance of activities does not lead to stress. Even good life events can still be stressful. So, as I reflect on my birthday and this last year of my life I am struck with the importance of finding small ways to appreciate the day and to relax even in the midst of a busy life. This is something I am improving at as I get older and it becomes increasingly important to me. However, I’m not perfect, so I am going to use this as the opportunity to remind myself of what I have learned, also in the hopes someone else may benefit as well.

The following are small things during the day that I find enjoyable and relaxing. If I can focus more of my attention on these times and appreciate them more, it will help me to feel more balanced:

- Eating my fruit roll-up: Possibly my favorite food I eat during the day. I love it so much I eat it quickly, but taking the time to enjoy it more would help;

- Reading my book on the commute home: I have often found my commute to be a nice restful way to transition from work to home, but reading is fun as well;

- Nice hot shower: nothing is as relaxing to me as a nice warm shower at the end of the day. It can serve as a time to just rest and be soothed;

- Talking with my family about what everyone has done for the day and listening to any amusing stories that come up.

The above list isn’t comprehensive. There are a lot more things I could add, but these are things I do every day. And I enjoy them. If I can pay equal attention to these enjoyable activities as I do to the other activities in my day, I’ll feel more refreshed and relaxed even in the midst of my busy (but still enjoyable) life. Also, it’s important to be mindful and pay attention to these activities when I am doing them and try to avoid distractions that might prevent me from fully enjoying what I am doing.

We all want to have meaningful and fulfilled lives. Often in our quest to do so, we make ourselves so busy we don’t really notice or appreciate moments of fun or relaxation. Hopefully some of what I have written here can serve as a reminder to both me and you as well.

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Do you ever have moments in your life when you feel like everything that could go wrong has gone wrong? It’s not fair. You feel utterly helpless. You believe you have no control over your life and you are at the mercy of some malicious force committed to screwing everything up.

A lot has been going wrong lately – I have had to be particularly vigilant about slipping into such unhelpful patterns of thinking that only lead to harmful emotions like depression, and maladaptive behavior. I have to watch that I don’t tell myself that nothing I can do will help anyways, so why bother. So what’s a person to do?

Step 1. Use your maladaptive feelings and helpless behavior as a cue to examine what you’re thinking about the situation that’s making you think and act in ways that are self-sabotaging. At the same time (while you need not make excuses for yourself), it is also important to give yourself a break and not put yourself down. You’re clearly going through a time when your emotional, cognitive, and behavioral resources may be sapped and you may not be thinking or functioning as well as you might under better circumstances. Let’s see what you can do to remedy this…

Step 2. If you’re telling yourself none of these bad things should be happening, you’re fooling yourself. Life is full of bad and good things. While we may like to think that bad things will not happen to us, the truth is that they do – and sometimes by chance they will cluster together. In this way, life is not fair – but that does not mean you can’t get through these difficult times. Perhaps the wisest thing to do is expect that things may go utterly wrong sometimes and be prepared for how to cope adaptively and respond in a helpful way.

Step 3. Recognize that while you don’t have complete control over anything, you generally do have some control over most things. It’s a hard idea to sit with. It may be cliché, but Alcoholics Anonymous hits the nail on the head when they remind us to accept the things we cannot change, courage to change the things we can, and wisdom to know the difference. Recognizing what you don’t have control over can help you identify the areas you do have control over and the things you can do to improve but maybe not completely fix a particular situation.

Step 4. After accepting that bad things will happen and taking as much control as you can to improve bad situations, take a look around. Test out the thought that EVERYTHING has gone wrong. Telling yourself that everything has or is going wrong will generally lead you to see only bad things that confirm this thought and ignore good things that disconfirm it. Contrastingly, holding a more rational thought like – good and bad things happen, life is not fair, I can stand it and do what I can to improve my circumstances – may help open your eyes to lots of things that have not gone wrong and opportunities to improve your circumstances. Good luck and stay strong.

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“S/he has no common sense.”

I’ve heard the phrase over and over, primarily from frustrated and/or angry people, often in response to something apparently nonsensical like someone riding an elephant the wrong way on a major highway during rush hour or a homeless man claiming to be intellectually superior to everyone. But what is common sense? What isn’t? Do we all have it or not?

Common sense is a broad term. Apart from Paine’s book by the same name, many people seem to think that common sense is some magical guiding light that most people are born with that aids in decision making. The fortunate ones have it, the unfortunate don’t. Conceptually, common sense is based upon an average or typical response. To me, the phrase “s/he has no common sense” indicates that someone did not respond or act in the average, standard, normative, expected, or typical manner.

There are many problems with comparing oneself and others to an average, standard, normative, expected, or typical outcome. Many of these problems have been highlighted in previous blogs. In brief, the major issue is in the definition of these words, in which deviation from the average, standard, normative, expected, or typical is inherent. Simply put, not everyone can be of average height or weight, temperament or personality, cognitive ability, social status; yet, almost all people think they are (see also: Lake Wobegon Effect). That is, by definition, not everyone can have common sense.

To some, a lack of common sense can be earth shattering and awful. “How can s/he be so dumb/worthless? That’s awful, I can’t stand it, they should have the same exact brain as I do.” To this, after refuting ratings of worth, frustration intolerance, awfulizing, and demanding, I say that common sense is a subjective concept. Not everyone will have the same definition of common sense. One person’s idea of common sense may differ from the next person’s idea. Imagine vacationing in a foreign country where you are unfamiliar with the native customs and language. Now would you say you have common sense in that context? You might; however, assuming that you are truly unfamiliar with the culture, then you have little, if any, idea about what is common. Therefore, you would lack common sense in that context.

Although averages can be informative, they do not provide a complete picture by themselves. For any theory to be scientifically accurate, it must take into account both averages and variation, or what statisticians refer to as “error.”

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http://portal.meril.eu/converis-esf/publicweb/research_infrastructure/3446”

The Institute is an academic structure founded by the Babes-Bolyai University, Cluj-Napoca, Romania, in collaboration with the Albert Ellis Institute, New York, USA.

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So here we are again, at the proverbial crossroads looking down each path into the unknown. Any road you pick conjures up feelings of fear, doubt, and anxiety. This is usually the point at which the “what ifs” creep in and do their job, further obfuscating any rational decision you’d hoped to make. Among all of the unknowns, there is still one known feeling you can count on: that familiar feeling of being in unfamiliar territory.

We’ve all had to make big decisions in life. Many of which required a leap of faith on our behalf. For some, taking a chance proves to be a much more difficult process than for others. It seems that some people demand that they have as much information as possible before making a decision. I have nothing against informed decisions. However, seeking information to guide a decision or behavior can quickly and seamlessly cross over into irrational territory if you’re not careful.

On the continuum of amount of information needed to make a decision, everybody falls into different areas. Some can make a decision or choose a path based on little to no information. Others seek as much information as possible. Of course this poses a problem as there tends to be copious amounts of information one can gain in every scenario. What results from the latter category is procrastinating while seeking a goal that will never be reached: knowing everything. It’s one of the greatest illusions we can perform. The illusion that we are actually working towards something when there is no progress being made.

Finally, one will say, “I just can’t make up my mind, so I [didn’t/won’t] do anything! I’m no good when it comes to making decisions.”

To which I always reply, “Choosing to not make a decision is a decision. So clearly you possess the decision making faculties to choose an action.”

No matter what path you choose to go down, there will always be some “what ifs” about what could have been. It’s inevitable. However, the possibilities of what could have happened are endless. Therefore, attempting to consider all the possible outcomes of a decision is a prescription for madness.

You’ve made many decisions in your life. Independent of whether they are monumental life choices or what toppings to get on your pizza, the principle remains the same. Gathering data is fine, but soon you will reach a point of diminishing returns where it’s time to just pick something.

You’ve been here before no matter how unfamiliar the territory may seem. Know that no one ever chooses “correctly” all the time and that you have shown yourself and everyone else that you are strong enough to handle any consequence associated with whatever you choose. You’ve probably successfully navigated through rougher waters in your life. You can handle whatever life throws at you. We are never truly tasked with more than we can handle. Therefore, when you are at that seemingly unfamiliar point, just know that it is more familiar than you think.

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Rational Emotive Behavioural Therapy is a solution-focused, goal-orientated form of therapy. One of the most common questions therapists get asked in their initial meeting with clients is “How long before I get/feel better?” So, how long before clients actually do “get better”? This blog will try and answer that question with as much detail and specificity as possible.

Last year a client terminated with me after a few sessions, noting that they had not had a “eureka” moment in the 3 weeks we had been working together. The client believed that their energy, attention and finances would be better spent elsewhere. I was confused; no eureka moment in three 3 weeks, what had I done wrong, was I losing my therapist powers?

Upon hearing this I immediately called Pixie Incorporated. Pixie Inc. is a global corporation that supplies therapists around the world with magic fairy dust. Most clients are not aware of the fact that we use this product, (I am going out on a limb sharing this trade secret with you) but, the truth is, when clients are not looking we sprinkle them liberally with the dust. Typically speaking, at some point between six to twelve sessions the dust has built up to sufficient levels that clients are “cured”.

As you might imagine, this magic fairy dust has revolutionized the industry; client’s come in, have a chat, repeat several times and suddenly their anxiety, depression, anger – indeed all of their emotional distress vanishes. When I finally got through to customer services at Pixie Inc., I described my situation and they immediately alerted senior management. Naturally, they were concerned that a batch of fairy dust had been contaminated or inadvertently swapped out for a generic version (I only buy the brand name). In all fairness to them, they DHL’d a new batch over that night and credited my account. Unfortunately, I didn’t have the opportunity to try the new batch on that client but I certainly noticed a marked improvement in all my other clients, who, in no time at all, were all “Happy as Larry”, as the saying goes.

If this were only the case, dear reader! We would all be a lot happier. It is a lovely fantasy, but until Pixie Inc. and the fairy dust actually escape from my mind and into reality, we are going to have to get and feel better the old fashioned way. Research has shown that to do things instinctively, you need to repeat that behaviour around 10,000 times. Take a second to think about something that you do instinctively that you are good at. It could be anything – from driving a car, playing a sport, working at a job or training at the gym. What is the common denominator in this? I know your screaming the answer at the screen right now, yes, that’s right PRACTISE!!!

In most cases, the better you are at something correlates to the amount of practise you’ve had. Take Yoga for example. I am extraordinarily inflexible, only recently have I been able to touch my toes. I tried yoga several times, different teachers, different studios, different types, and I’m still useless. So frustrated with my lack of progress, I gave up. Obviously, it is the fault of the teacher or the studio. If they were teaching yoga correctly I would downward dog like there’s no tomorrow.

This way of thinking is exactly why I’ll never be good a yoga. I need to accept that the progress may not be easy, that I am going to have to practise outside of class, and that I need to work and take responsibility for achieving my own goals! Nothing that is truly satisfying comes easy, and it is exactly the same in therapy. The process is going to take work, learning to tolerate uncomfortable emotions and practising new ways of thinking and behaving, perhaps unwiring years of behaviour patterns. The sooner clients accept this the faster they get “better”. So to answer my original question, the length of time before you have that eureka moment is entirely in your hands and dependant on how hard you’re willing to WERQ!

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We live in a large city and driving is for most of us part of our daily lives. You may commute two or twenty miles every day, but I am quite sure there are moments when you wish you had taken the bus or the subway. There are very few people, if any, who could say that they never “lost it” when another driver on the road acts stupidly, dangerously, or both.

I was talking to a friend the other day that seems to have a very “short fuse” when it comes to “bad drivers”. He often gets so road raged that he goes on chasing the “culprit” to give him a piece of his mind, usually by using “universal” gestures or gluing his hand to the horn. Besides the high chance of having an accident or getting a hefty fine, he brews lots and lots of anger. Although he may be on the extreme end of driving-related reactions, we all have moments when we get very reactive and angry at how other drivers treat us in traffic. We often assume they do it on purpose and that is when we commit the first cognitive error. Just because someone did not stop at a green light or signaled left but took a right, does not automatically mean they did it because they think poorly of you. They may be texting, unaware, have poor skills, or simply did not see you. Instead, it is all about what we tell ourselves about their irresponsible decisions that determines how we act or react in traffic.

I like one of Epictetus’ quotes about this type of situations: “Any person capable of angering you becomes your master; he can anger you only when you permit yourself to be disturbed by him”. In other words, when we are “losing it” and give in to our anger, we unconditionally surrender our sense of control to the person or the situation in front of us. This applies in all situations, but I think it is so much more relevant when you are behind the wheel, since it is so risky and involves other people as well, including your own family at times.

When you catch yourself angry at someone who cut in front of you, stop for a second and identify your thoughts about the person’s behavior. To help you achieve this, take a few deep breaths. Then, in your mind count backward from ten, while making sure you keep your eyes on the road. Once you are able to delay for a few seconds your reaction, you will be able to identify your thoughts or beliefs. It may be your rigid and high expectations that all drivers should behave righteously and follow all the rules. Or, it may be your inference (not a fact) that she/he wants to send you a message about your worth or skills as a driver. Probably you will never find out, but that’s not the point. The take-home message is that it is all about the beliefs and evaluations we are making that have the power to turn us into unhealthy angry or more healthily annoyed drivers, and not the situation itself.

REBT teaches us that if we learn how to identify, dispute and change our expectations and beliefs by replacing them with more healthy ones, we may very well become less disturbed individuals and even enjoy driving in the crazy New York City traffic. However, just make sure you don’t cut in front of a silver Nissan Versa- my friend is still working on his demands.

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“What is real? How do you define real? If real is what you can feel, smell, taste, see and hear, then ‘real’ is simply electrical signals interpreted by your brain.” – Morpheus, The Matrix.

“I don’t even remember what I did yesterday.” – Anonymous.

Like The Matrix, many movies and books portray objective reality, or some aspects of it, as illusory; that is, not ‘real.’ Because the more ‘extreme’ variants of this idea do not lend themselves readily to empirical investigation, can probably only be discovered (as in The Matrix and The Truman Show), and we do not currently have evidence for them, they are most likely purely hypothetical. However, studies conducted by psychologists support a more basic variant of this idea, that at least some parts of reality might be partly illusory. Psychologists define perception and memory, in part, as constructive and re-constructive processes, which do not always accurately represent or re-represent objective reality, respectively. For example, what do you see in the images below?

In studies using these kinds of ambiguous stimuli, many people have reported seeing squares (or other stimuli) in the images that were not actually present. Every day, we are faced with these, and similar kinds, of ambiguous stimuli that our brain resolves by drawing inferences. These inferences, however, tend to be colored by past learning experiences, cultural beliefs and values, biological and evolutionary dispositions, and social and emotional influences. Both illusions and a related, but more extreme variant, hallucinations, illustrate how the present perception of ambiguous stimuli is influenced by a multitude of factors, which in some cases biases people to perceive something that is (a little) different from what is actually present. Therefore, on the basis of these and multiple similar findings, perception is often considered a constructive process, which does not always accurately represent reality.

If you think of perception and memory as falling along a sequential, linear continuum of cognitive processes, with perception occurring first and memory later on in the sequence, then it will probably be no surprise that if perception can be inaccurate, then so too can memory. In 1932, Frederic Bartlett, a British psychologist, gave participants a Native American folk tale to read and memorize. When he tested their memory for this folk tale minutes, weeks, and months later, he found that, over time, participants gradually replaced unusual events in the tale with events consistent with their own native British culture. In another study, 30% of undergraduate students exposed to a graduate student’s office for several minutes later remembered seeing books when there were none. Studies such as these suggest that people often remember events, not exactly as they happened, but partly in line with previous experiences they’ve had in similar situations. Like perception, memory also tends to be colored by past learning experiences, cultural beliefs and values, biological and evolutionary dispositions, and social and emotional influences Therefore, on the basis of these and multiple, similar findings, memory is often considered a re-constructive process, which does not always accurately re-represent reality.

Whereas these kinds of perceptual inaccuracies are often intriguing and relatively inconsequential at individual and societal levels, memory inaccuracies can have relatively significant consequences at both levels. For example, a well-known cognitive psychologist was once arrested, forced to pose in a witness line-up, and identified as the perpetrator of a rape. Ironically, however, at the time of the crime, he was on a television program discussing methods for improving facial memory. Moreover, roughly 20% of witnesses selected in line-ups are not the actual perpetrators. Although reports of recovered memories often contain events that actually took place and studies suggest that memories can be suppressed and/or inhibited for periods of time, in other cases, individuals have been arrested and/or sued on the basis of “recovered memories” of abuse even though evidence later revealed that they had nothing to do with the accusation. Research also suggests that memories can be falsely implanted, implied, and/or distorted. Indeed, some psychologists argue that Dissociative Identity Disorder (formerly Multiple Personality Disorder), which has almost always involved reported cases of early trauma, involves leading questions posed by a therapist that imply the possible existence of “repressed abuse” and/or “multiple personalities” and suggestibility on the part of the patient.

Another potential problem with memory inaccuracies pertains to prediction and emotion. When it comes to predicting what will (or should in irrational cases) most likely occur in a given situation, people often base their predictions upon memories. As such, it seems plausible that some of the more distorted and maladaptive expectations and beliefs that people have derive, in part, from inaccurate or distorted memories (as well as, in part, from ‘over-prediction’ of “what will likely happen” to “what should happen” instead). For example, imagine playing a baseball game and hitting the winning home run. At first, it is unclear whether the ball would clear the fence or not, but as you round first base, it makes it into the first row of bleachers just over the reach of the outfielder’s glove. Days later, you recall the incident to a friend, noting “I smashed that ball! You should’ve seen it!” “Smash” in this context may be a matter of perspective, but can also imply that not only was the hit a homerun, but that it almost went out of the stadium. As suggested by research, each time this story is told, is it is also modified in one’s memory. During the next season, you may be upset because you haven’t smashed any other homeruns despite your prediction that you should.

Unfortunately, there is no way to determine the accuracy of a person’s memories with 100% certainty. Essentially, REBT helps people identify ways for coping with irrational expectations and/or beliefs that may stem from such memories. REBT theory does not propose ascertaining the validity of or disputing memories, however. Therefore, based upon this analysis of the influence of memory inaccuracies in emotional disturbance, “lapses” in rationality or slow progress , particularly during the initial sessions of REBT, with the original inaccurate or distorted memories largely unchanged, would not be surprising. Although one may learn during the initial sessions from their REBT-trained therapist that it is illogical to expect a homerun on every at-bat, their (unconscious) brain may still retrieve the original inaccurate memory at the sensation of associated baseball stimuli (e.g., seeing a bat, helmet, baseball stadium, hearing the crack of a bat connecting with a pitch), along with the original irrational belief that “I should be able to hit a homerun every time I step to the plate.” This could explain, in part, why repeated rehearsal of alternative, rational beliefs (e.g., “I’d like to hit a homerun every time I step to the plate, but there is no reason that I have to.”) in the presence of associated stimuli is important and why it may take time before rational responding in similar situations becomes relatively automatic and “lapses” in those situations decrease.

Not awful, just annoying.

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Pre-registration: $15 | Pay at the door: $20

Many of us are often too caught up in the daily obligations of attending to and pleasing our employers, family, friends, etc. In doing so, we may lose sight of our own emotional, behavioral, and physical well-being. Summer is rapidly approaching and it is the season often associated with vacation, relaxation, and taking some time for you. So there is no better time than now to start making yourself a priority. Using Rational Emotive and Cognitive Behavioral principles, this lecture will help you identify and challenge self-defeating beliefs that can interfere with emotional well-being and self-enhancement. Empirically supported motivation building exercises and effective goal setting and planning strategies will also be discussed. By developing and maintaining a healthy level of self-interest, you will be in an optimal position to fulfill your responsibilities and take care of your loved ones. Take advantage of this opportunity to start learning how to make yourself a priority. There is no better time than now!

Lecturers: Michael Hickey, Ph.D. & Merav Harris, M.S.

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This week’s blog I write in procrastination of packing and preparing for an early morning flight.  I’ve come to find it quite ironic how the preparation before a trip is so stressful. After all, isn’t the point of many trips to alleviate stress? By the time I’m done booking the trip, price shopping, running errands, doing laundry, organizing food, packing and planning some type of itinerary, not to mention getting my work done in advance so I can actually take off the intended days, I am so tired that I need a vacation much more than when I booked! On top of it, if you’re traveling with a child just multiply everything times 10. Did you ever find yourself asking, “how in the world can I get everything done?” I find myself in that place often, be it before a trip, before exams or before something is due at work.  At times, I am so discouraged from all the work ahead that I do not want to start.

While I think many people struggle to manage their anxiety and stress before major events and deadlines, I have also come across those people who seem to be minimally affected by how hectic life gets.  I ask, what differentiates the people who get anxious and stressed out before events and deadlines from the people who do not?   Perhaps it’s a need for everything to be done perfectly and the desire to control many of the uncontrollable variables that lie ahead.  Perhaps it’s the anxiety that comes from avoiding the things you think you have to face.  For me, as I pack for my trip, I know I cannot possibly remember everything I need and I think I have to remember everything (perfectionism) and think it would be awful to forget something.  What if the item I forgot was really important?

When you find yourself overwhelmed with the stressors of life, remind yourself that if you forget something or don’t plan perfectly, it’s not the end of the world.  I’ll do my best to remember that if I do forget a toothbrush or socks- I can probably pick it up when I get there.

Practically, the way I personally like to handle the overwhelming amount I have to do is by making “to do” lists.  Rather than feeling anxious about all of the things I have to do and thinking I can’t manage to do everything, I write down all of the things I have to accomplish and take them down one by one.  I might not be able to pack everything or finish all of my work tonight but I can certainly manage to throw a skirt and a pair of shoes in a suitcase and write the introductory paragraph for an upcoming presentation.

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