Albert McWilliams

Vote 2018

Wed, 24 Oct 2018 11:24:16 -0400

As is traditional, here is your 2018 how-to-vote-like-me-which-is-to-say-greatly.

As is nontraditional, I’m not going to go through the entire ballot because it’s huge and, you know don’t be an asshole. Hey, at least we’re not California which I’m told has 11 state proposals on the ballot. This year I’ll focus on a few key races/proposals that even some of you non-assholes may be unaware/confused about.

Ann Arbor City Prop A: VOTE NO

In classic proposal form, this bad-boy is deceiving and tricky. Many of you non-assholes may be thinking Prop-A is good, and not an asshole thing. I assure you it is 100% asshole thing. You will be an asshole if you vote for Prop A. On the surface it looks like you’re voting for a park. Everyone loves parks. I love parks. This isn’t about a park. It is about keeping Ann Arbor angry, old and white. It is about exclusion. It is about keeping a downtown block flat so that nobody can use it. It is opposed by the Parks Department, the Housing Alliance, the Ann Arbor Library (next to the lot) an just about every other social non-profit around. Vote No.

Ann Arbor Ward 1 Council: VOTE INDEPENDENT RYAN HUGHES

So you didn’t show up and vote in the Dem Primary in August. You blew it and this far-right-wing, Jeff Hayner, won by about 100 votes. So the “Democratic” nominee on the ballot is a member of the NRA and has a private twitter account because he posts stuff like this:

To be clear, “vision zero” just says people shouldn’t die in traffic. So he’s pro-people-dying-in-traffic. Somebody posted his entire twitter history in a database and he issued a DMCA notice to get the site taken down. How did he win the primary? By running on a platform based on Proposal A. See above… Proposal A bad. Jeff Hayner bad.

Vote August 7th

Fri, 03 Aug 2018 07:52:34 -0400

With 4-year terms, a couple of big buildings on the way, and folks feeling utterly powerless nationally, the local election has gotten pretty saucy. Some folks are even photoshopping rainbow dicks on stuff (okay, it was me). Since Ann Arbor only elects Democrats, the real election for city positions is the primary which is Tuesday August 7th. Also due to that, a bunch of conservatives run as Democrats. They probably sincerely think that they’re progressive, but they ain’t. These are the folks who still think recycling is the best thing you can do for the environment. These are folks offering easy answers to tough problems. “We’re going to have better roads, more police, affordable housing, lower taxes and no new buildings!” Okay, whatever, Donald.

So, most importantly, vote on August 7th in the Primary.

If you’re voting Democratic, and you’re super lazy, here are my picks.

GOVERNOR:
Abdul or Gretchen. I think either will be great. I think Shri would be very bad.

STATE SENATOR: 18th District
Michelle Deatrick or Jeff Irwin

STATE REP: 55th district
Rebekah Warren

County Commissioner: 9th District
Katie Scott

MAYOR
Christopher Taylor.
This one is key. His opponent, Jack Eaton, is funded by Trump PAC people and he’s been soliciting Republicans to cross and vote in the Dem primary. He has misleading or false information in his mailers and has straight up lied about crime stats. His “make ann arbor 1980 again” platform is not progressive. This is a prime example of short sighted vs. pragmatic, realistic policies. I get it, some of you are pissed about a building you don’t like, but it’s not worth it.

CITY COUNCIL

WARD 1
Ron Ginyard.
The other dude is a member of the NRA and straight up cray.

WARD 2
Kirk Westphal

WARD 3
Julie Grand

WARD 4
Graydon Kraphol

WARD 5
Chuck Warpehoski

Bike Lanes: No Thanks

Mon, 16 Oct 2017 10:26:35 -0400

There’s already a bike lane on every surface street in America. They’re over 10ft wide, are generally clear of debris, connect to all of the other bike lanes and don’t have garbage cans or car doors in them. They don’t merge in and out of traffic at every intersection, or cross three lanes of traffic to make a left turn. The problem is a bunch of people think those lanes are just for cars.

Bike lanes are not for cyclists. They’re for drivers. They’re getting you out of their way. The motivation here is not to give you a place on the road, the goal is to get you out of their place on the road. We, as cyclists, have done a good job of tricking ourselves into thinking bike lanes are a good thing. I mean, it has the word “bike” in it right? That’s for me. I like bikes.

Bike lanes are a placebo that makes the disease worse. There is evidence to support that bike lanes make people feel safer. This leads to more people riding bikes, which leads to more awareness of cyclists, which, maybe, someday, leads to more safety on the roads. If there was no negative effect of the placebo, I’d be okay with it. However, we pay a steep price for the faux-safety.

The real problem with safety on the roads is not where the cyclists ride, it’s where the cars drive… specifically, into people on bikes. So why are we addressing the problem by moving the bikes? Digging deeper, the reasons why people keep driving their cars into people on bikes include: they’re not paying enough attention, they don’t know the law, they don’t care about the law, and they generally don’t treat driving a car with the gravity that such a dangerous activity demands.

Bike lanes make these things worse:

Striping a bike lane is positive reinforcement for negative behavior. People are shitty drivers, so instead of demanding that people stop hitting stuff with their cars, we’re going to make it easier for you to be a shitty driver.
Perceived safety is dangerous. A white line on the road doesn’t actually protect me from anything. However, it does tell drivers that as long as they’re left of the line, everything is cool. They don’t need to slow down, give me room, or even be careful. Just stay on your side of the line and everything is cool. It’s not cool.
Bike lanes tell already misinformed drivers that bikes go in bike lanes. If bikes go there, then they don’t go where there isn’t a bike lane. This is of course totally false, but so is that bikes have to ride single file, but I’ve been told by Washtenaw County Sheriffs that it’s illegal to ride two-up. If the police don’t even know the law, we should start there instead of painting stripes that further confuse the issue.
Bike lanes are dangerous. They’re full of broken glass, leaves, garbage cans and opening doors. They merge in and out of traffic at nearly every intersection. Oh you have to make a left turn? How do we manage that… how about differently at every intersection.
Bike lanes are often installed instead of actually-safer stuff. Traffic calming measures that address drivers instead of cyclists such as bump outs or on-street parking are often eliminated to make room for bike lanes. Again, drivers are the problem, not cyclists. Address the drivers.

Regarding Data: There is data to support bike lanes making people feel safer. There isn’t data showing bike lanes are safer. In fact, the best study out there (it’s not perfect, and it’s only one, and it’s Canadian!) shows residential and major streets without bike lanes are safer than their counterparts with bike lanes.

It’s true that major bike orgs, including People for Bikes continue to support bike lanes because people feeling safer matters to the industry. Bike friendly city ratings continue to be heavily weighted to bike infrastructure, which bike lanes count towards. What should be there instead? How about the number of motorists prosecuted for hitting a cyclist. How about a vulnerable road user legislation package. How about higher requirements for driver licensing, and lower threshold for license suspension. How about we fix the problem of people being hit by drivers by changing driver behavior, not victim behavior.

Review: Choco-mint hummous.

Fri, 25 Aug 2017 13:26:07 -0400

Review: Choco-mint hummous.

Video

Tue, 23 May 2017 13:49:03 -0400

Video

Wed, 08 Feb 2017 13:24:37 -0500

Winter Ride: 3T/Q+M Cycling Team

Fri, 27 Jan 2017 10:26:40 -0500

Winter Ride: 3T/Q+M Cycling Team

The Missing Six

Tue, 27 Dec 2016 10:32:31 -0500

Now that we’re through the cookie & pie-based holidays, cyclists wake up and realize the first race is only a couple of months out. If you’re on Zwift in the wintertime like I am, you live and die by the W/Kg. Where living is making Kiwis you’ll never meet jealous, and dying is lying about your weight on the profile setup. Whatever the case, the Kg in W/Kg is on the top of everyone’s mind this time of year.

As a cyclist, you’re probably already at a weight that makes people uncomfortable (I’m going to call it Fit Equilibrium). The advice here isn’t about losing weight for health reasons, or even to look hot. Rest assured race weight is not sexy. This is about those last few Kg that seem stubbornly holding on. This is about the weight you’ve considered just spending $10k on a bike to lose because it would be easier than finding on your body.

My fit equilibrium weight is about 68.5 Kg but I used to race at 62.5 Kg
What gives? Is it just age? Did I get drunk and eat 12lbs of Legos® again?

Fit Equilibrium weight: This is just living life normally as a cyclist. You’re really fit. You’re riding a lot; probably an amount that most humans would consider totally insane but you know it’s pretty basic. You’re probably racing at some level, or putting in serious commute/fondo prep miles. When you mention losing weight to other cyclists they roll their eyes. When you mention losing weight to your mom she slaps the shit out of you. This is not fat. This is near the bottom of what “doctors” would call “a healthy weight.” This is where your body just kind of settles if you don’t make any specific efforts to get lean.

But we’re not looking for “healthy” here, silly “doctors.” We want to go fast. Over the years I’ve gained and lost weight a bunch of times and watching my weight fluctuate through season after season; I’ve narrowed getting lean down two three factors, each worth about 2 Kg. This is not a scientific study; and YMMV, but my results have been extremely consistent over many, many trials. It’s really pretty simple:

1. Volume (2Kgs): When my training volume starts averaging over 15 hours/week I drop about 2Kgs. There are a lot of reasons for this, but most of them are present at lower volumes as well. I mean, riding 10hrs/week burns a ton of calories. To get over 15 hours though, you have to put in a couple of big days each week. When a ride gets into the 5-6 hour range not only are you using different energy systems and a bunch of sciencey shit, but you just don’t have enough time left in the day to replace all those calories. A shorter ride you can pig out afterwards and get it all back in, but after a 5 hour ride, by the time you shower, sleep, and apologize to your family for prioritizing saddle-time over their love, you simply don’t have enough time in the day to eat the 5,000 calories you just squandered.

2. Tracking (2Kgs): Dieting really isn’t necessary, just record what you eat. I use an app called LoseIt but there are a million of them out there. The simple act of tracking your calorie intake will drop a couple of kilos. Again, I’m not sure of the details on how this helps. I don’t consciously change any eating habits; I think it’s just the aggregate effect of having to pay attention to how much bullshit you pile into your hole every day. It helps avoid extreme peak days where you brownie-binge at 2AM because no one is watching. When you track your food, someone is always watching.

3. Beer (2Kgs): Cutting out alcohol is worth about 2Kgs. I like beer, but all alcohol has the same amount of calories. If you’re still listening that bro who told you he only drinks clear liquor because beer is too fattening, please consider getting your health advice from a different source. The calories in beer, or any alcohol, come from the alcohol (not the water, which is the rest of beer). Alcohol is just sugar molecules that have been modified by microbes. Your liver’s job is to convert it back into sugar (calories). While it’s working on that you feel more attractive, entertaining and like to write emails to exes. When it’s done, you’re a little fatter.

So two … two things I do to lose weight that are each worth 2Kgs. Close enough.

Vote (and how to vote like me)

Mon, 07 Nov 2016 11:07:16 -0500

Let’s take a little (very, very short) break from cycling, cycling, beer and cycling to make sure that we can enjoy our (ridiculously) amazing, lavish and downright indulgent lifestyle of cycling and beer.

That is to say, item one, VOTE TOMORROW (November 8th). That’s the most important thing. Make a plan. Make it happen. There are important decisions on the ballot nationally and locally that need your attention. If you want to vote like me, my thoughts are after the break (and localized for Michigan-12th, Washtenaw-9th, Ann Arbor-5th).

First, click this link and check your registration, and see a sample ballot for your address.

1. President of the United States: Don’t be an asshole. Really. C’mon.

2. Michigan 12th District Congress: Debbie Dingell (don’t be an asshole pt. #2)

3. State Board of Education: Ish Ahmed & John Austin

4. Washtenaw County Sheriff: Jerry Clayton

5. Washtenaw Commissioner 9th: WRITE IN JEN EYER - Jen was appointed as the interim commissioner when Conan Smith resigned. Conan is still on the ballot as he submitted prior to his resignat…. whatever, it’s a mess, Just WRITE IN JEN EYER.

6. Ann Arbor City Council 5th: Chuck Warpehoski (don’t be an asshole part #3) - Chuck’s opponent, HTFKA “Suckworth” has as a primary priority, setting Ann Arbor back to 1985, and is willing to straight up lie (and spend lots of money) to do it. Remind you of anyone on a national scale? Make Ann Arbor Great Again amiright? Anyway. VOTE CHUCK.

7. Washtenaw Community College: Anna Zinkel

8. AAPS: Jeff Gaynor

9. Ann Arbor District Library: SLATE VOTE! Woohoo! Song, Vander Broek, Sherman, Green (for library in twenty sixteen). It rhymes, so just repeat that over and over and you’ll be able to remember it mid-ballot-panic.

Proposal: Roads - YES (um, roads, need ‘em).

Proposal: Veterans Affairs - YES (Vets, take care of ‘em)

Proposal: RTA - YES In Ann Arbor we’ve been spoiled with good transportation through the AAATA, but metro Detroit lags behind just about every city on the planet. Possibly some extraterrestrial cities so far undiscovered. So yes.

Proposal: Ann Arbor City terms to four years - YES : I can see both sides of this one, and I’ve gone back and forth. Is it perfect? No. However, the other options to solve the problem (how to have the best representation at a local level) aren’t perfect either. I’ve made some pros/cons lists and most of them (non-partisan, at large, etc) are less perfect than this one. So Yes.

Let’s Ride Bikes (fast, far, dirty)

Thu, 20 Oct 2016 10:17:10 -0400

What is up for 2017?

I like to ride bikes. I like to go fast. I like to go far. I like to ride out to the mountain bike trail instead of driving. I like to climb mountains on fire roads and bomb some single track on the way down. I like doughnut hand-ups. I like the long-leadout shift. I like zooming out the map and seeing the route from space. I like when a team masterfully controls a peloton. I like the Belgian Waffle Ride. I like to have a beer after (or during) the race. I like all of these things even more with friends that you can only make on five-hour-dust-tan-eye-crust rides.

That’s what cycling is to me so I got together with some rad folks and crammed all of that stuff we like into the 3T / Q+M cycling team. Danny Soltan has a power to weight ratio only achievable by being super vegan all the time. Cat Culkin mashes out course records on 24hr endurance challenges like they’re 23hr endurance challenges. I would call John Chinchen a baby-faced wonder-boy but I’ve never seen a baby that beautiful. I met Scotty Albaugh when he showed up for a 80 mile group ride on an MTB and proceeded to drop everyone. Mike Simonson puts the “bourbon” in “trainbouroning camp.” Jay Ellis has a mini van to drive us around in and I will ride 150 miles for a really good beer (shout out Dark Horse).

For about 20 years I’ve been modding my mountain bikes to be more like road bikes, and my road bikes to rail gravel and trail (yeah, I’m that idiot you saw at the DTE trail on an areo road bike). Finally someone made a bike for me. The 3T Exploro has the fast geometry, high stack, areo that I want in a road bike, and I can put mountain bike tires on it. This is gonna be awesome. (Look at that drop tho!)

With this crew and these bikes we’re gonna need some baller events. We’ll see you at bike-parties like Barry Roubaix, MMMM, Tushar Crusher, Iceman, Nachori.de, Detroit Invitational, Green Mountain Stage Race, Lumberjack 100 (on drop bars! you know it), RAAM Challenges, Dirty Kanzaa and of course the Belgian Waffle Ride.

I can’t wait to ride with you all on the road and/or trail. Grab one of us and check out the Exploro and have a beer after Nachori.de.

I crashed my bike; I need you to start riding like now.

Wed, 03 Aug 2016 08:54:27 -0400

It’s the slow, easy ones that will get you. I’ve learned the lesson a million times, and given the lecture even more. The rooted out nasty descent, or the 200k road race, or the chicane in a crit have certainly had their victims but riding to your car in the parking lot is how you get right fucked up. Tooling down the driveway to check your last wrench turn is how you end up in the ER. For me, it was cruising on an arrow straight, totally smooth stretch of dirt road. I was going slow, lost in thought, and then I was wiggling the end of my elbow around.

That didn’t seem right. I checked the other one just in case I hadn’t noticed that elbows were always wiggly. They’re not. So off I was to the ER after 36 years without a broken bone, or any reason to visit a hospital for that matter. As this was all very new to me, I learned a couple of things.

First, the hospital is incredibly hard, and you (yes you) are amazing. I was admitted overnight for surgery the following day. As I lie there with what amounts to a playground injury, I was afraid, stressed, sad, angry with myself for being a huge idiot, worried about missing work, feeling like a burden, and all other manner of shit feelings. When I was released a little more than 24 hours later from my first hospital stay ever, all I could think about were my friends for whom hospital stays measure in the weeks, not days. You folks handle, with such grace and strength, surgery after surgery, treatment after treatment and you don’t even have the luxury of blaming yourselves. It’s nice when it’s my fault. It means I can avoid it in the future. There’s power in fault, and that was one of the things that settled me down at 4am in the hospital bed. So many of you don’t have that power and still handle your shit so well. While I was always impressed by the way you handle yourselves, and was as empathetic as possible, I am 100x more impressed now. You, my friends, amaze me. Thinking of you ushered me through my first hospital stay. Thank you so much for giving me someone to look up to when I inched towards self-pity. Thank you for your thoughts and comments that came quick, and while I’m sure you have your hard days, without exception, the lot of you show nothing but strength and optimism. Thank you, and know that strength collectively makes the world a little easier and a little better for a lot of people.

Second, and this is urgent, you (yes you) should get on a bike, like now. About four years ago I started cycling again after taking ten years off, on the couch, at rock shows and making poor life decisions. One of the big reasons that I got back on was seeing the guys I used to ride with who hadn’t aged a day in that decade (Nick, I’m looking at you) where as I had aged (at least) ten years.

Four years later I’m in Pre-Op having my conversations with the anesthesiologist, and the OR nurse, and the Orthopedic surgeon. Separated by only a curtain, I could hear those same conversations happening in the beds next to me and they were very different. The difference between my operation as a 36-year-old cyclist and that which I would be having as a 36-year-old chubby advertising exec was enormous. My surgery was going to be safer, easier for the doctors and I would leave the hospital sooner. I will recover faster. I’ll recover better. I’m less likely to have complications and If there are complications my body will handle them better. They didn’t even have to re-set my IV for surgery because the one they put in the ER was flowing so well (this was a big deal as the IV set had to be the worst part of the whole ordeal). If this is true at 36 it’s even more true at 46 and 56.

So this is why I needed to write this today. I sat in the recovery room telling everyone in my family who would listen, and even those who just pretended to - get up and move. So you, people who I care about, people who I love, humans who I’ve never met but I want you to be safe and happy because you’re humans: get on a bike, get in the pool, go for a walk, and then another and another and start today. We’re all going to end up in a hospital bed someday, for some reason, and every mile, every lap, every walk around the block is going to matter. It’s going to matter a lot, and more every year.

Last time I got sick and couldn’t ride I took ten years off the bike. This time I’ve never been more motivated to get back on. Join me.

Death & Taxes : Bikes & Cars

Tue, 26 Jul 2016 10:25:29 -0400

Imagine President Obama standing at a podium to tell America that we’re going to war. We’re going to war and we know we’ll incur heavy casualties. We know the war is going to last five years, and we know 200,000 Americans will die. What would justify that level of sacrifice? What would you demand in return? Weapons of Mass destruction? Stopping Hitler from taking over the world? A Kangashkhan (Pokemon joke so you know I’m hip to the kids!)? Ask yourself right now: what would it take for me to support that war?

Did you answer, “a little bit of convenience” or “save 11 minutes on my commute?” Now know that over a five year period about 200,000 Americans die in traffic. I used 5 years for a direct comparison to World War II in which about 290,000 Americans died saving the world from Hitler. We’re trading 35,000(ish) lives each year, including children and babies to get… what… to get to the store to buy some flip-flops without human contact or any form of exercise? Are you really cool with that?

Recently I was quoted in an article in The Ann Arbor News about the rise in cycling fatalities. The comments were sad but predictable. My neighbors, behind the veil of anonymity, say the same murderous things over and over. I know these people (probably) aren’t sociopaths. I know they are probably decent folks. So the only explanation is that they haven’t extrapolated these comments to their conclusion. So I’d like to continue the conversation here, in hopes that some of you will see the deeper statements made in the comments, and more seriously, when behind the wheel of a car.

This isn’t just about bikes vs. cars. Driving a car is super, extremely dangerous to you and others (in cars or bikes). We all need to take this responsibility way, way, more seriously. The physics involved are mind boggling (35,000 deaths/year).

Posted Standard Comment: “Cyclists are Arrogant/Entitled“ 
Assuming the use of a road to get from point A to point B on a bicycle is less arrogant/entitled than assuming you have the right to murder someone on a bike to get to point B slightly faster. Let’s be clear - this is the argument being made. If I’m in your way, on a bike, in a car, or tiny cart made from the skulls of dead clowns you are not entitled to run me over. There is no basic human right to get to the grocery store in eleven minutes instead of fifteen. There is a basic human right to life. 
What you’re actually saying: “My right to move really fast is more important than your right to life” I don’t think you actually believe that. I hope not.

Posted Standard Comment “I saw a cyclist run a stop sign once.”
So you saw a cyclist, or many, break a traffic law. I could argue that far more cyclists obey the rules than don’t but it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter because a cyclist could have just run a stop sign, kicked a puppy in its adorable little shit-sniffer while giving Beyoncé a wedgie and it still doesn’t give you the right to murder them.  
What you’re actually saying: “I saw a cyclist run a stop sign once, therefor I have the right to murder all of them.”

Posted Standard Comment: “Cyclists should pay taxes / be regulated like motorists.” 
First of all, cyclists do pay taxes. Most roads are funded by property taxes. In fact, in Michigan if a municipality puts even a short (useless) stretch of bike lane on a project it counts as multi-modal and gets a huge contribution from the state. Now, since bikes don’t damage roads like cars do, cyclists technically pay the same for the roads as you do but use them far less. Not to mention in a town like Ann Arbor where there is a lot of traffic congestion every bike on the road is making those roads you pay for more efficient, and your trip faster and easier. Next time you have to wait for a few seconds behind a cyclist on an open road, think of the 30 minutes you don’t have to wait for traffic to clear downtown, then say thank you. If you want yell “Allez! Allez!” out the window, it’s French. We’ll get it.
What you’re actually saying: “I have no idea how any of this works because I’m a short-sighted buttplug.”

This week after getting yelled & buzzed numerous times I had a someone drive through a group of three of us such that I had to put my hand on the hood of the car to keep from getting run over. I was going about 35mph on my bike.

This is the behavior you’re arguing for and it’s not just about bikes vs. cars. This is how we as a country treat driving a car. All of these comments (and there are hundreds on this article alone) add up to “we think 35,000 deaths a year is a good trade for the ease and convenience of driving a car, let’s keep going.”

I didn’t think about it that way either until I rode a bike. I do now, and I’ve decided it’s not a good deal for anyone. I sincerely hope enough of us step back and consider the tradeoff objectively before you or someone you love ends up on either end of this shitty deal.

——–

BONUS!

Sure! You go ahead and stay behind me too then! It’s a deal! I’ll get in line behind you and you get in line behind me. You never pass me and I’ll never pass you. This deal doesn’t sound all that great for you. Are you sure you want this deal?

Sometimes people accuse me of stretching with the whole “murder” thing. Comments like these make the argument easy. Is this valid evidence in court when A2 Citizen kills someone with their car because he/she felt they were arrogant?

Belgian Waffle 2016: Never Play Chicken w/ SuperDave

Tue, 07 Jun 2016 15:50:03 -0400

On Wednesday, April 20th I ‘grammed a bikes n’ beer shot after our weekly dirt road ride in Ann Arbor, Michigan.

What followed is an escalation rivaled only by Indochina in the ‘60s and the less historically significant, but significantly more mustachioed, Ron Burgundy Escalation of ’04. SuperDave had just dared me to the Belgian Waffle Ride, one of the hardest (most ridiculous?), races in the country (world?) with dirt roads, single track, big climbs, 150 miles, and of course lots and lots of delicious Belgian beer. The race was Sunday and it was already Wednesday (night, post-beer, relevant). BWR is in San Marcos, California. I live in Ann Arbor, Not-California. This was clearly a joke. SuperDave was giving me crap about our little 50-mile, dirt-road bullshit.

As it is my life’s purpose to earn the respect of SuperDave, I called his bluff (never, ever do this). Dave, sure, find me all this equipment and a registration (it’s been closed for months) and I’ll do your race. This was obviously impossible. I had responded to the dare without lifting a finger. Easy, time to go back to bed. Sometime Thursday afternoon Dave called my bluff. “Dude, you’re all set. Bring tubes.” My excuses evaporated.

Well then.

What began as a display of irrational posturing that I should have outgrown by now, turned into one of the best weekends ever.

It started with flashbacks to 2004. Flying in the night before a race, setting up a bike I’d never ridden before in a Hampton Inn parking lot (hallway). Is this where my stem goes? I think I’ll move the saddle 4cm without any empirical justification. Yeah, that feels better. This will be perfect for 7 hours (on single track, on road bikes). I filled my water bottles in the hotel sink. I went to the LBS to replace the CO2s I lost to the ever vigilant TSA. I trolled Ralph’s for some Hampton-room viable late-night-dinner (you can eat macaroni salad with your hands). I pre-rode the last climb (they put this at the end, jerks).

The start line took me back even further. I rolled up to a crowd of 1,000 people who all seemed to be best friends, and I didn’t know anyone. Well, SuperDave was there - but that’s like knowing Tal Bachman at Canadian Tire Centre in 1999 (This is a really advanced move: combining an obscure reference joke with a Canada joke, but I think you can handle it). It felt like middle school all over again with fewer dungeons & dragons books but the same amount of hair on my legs. I had no idea where I was. I had no idea what was going on. I did my best to look casually deliberate while some dude with beautiful hair (We’ll call him Pretty-D for now) took glamor-shots in the chute. He looks cool. I bet he’s one of the cool kids. I bet he has Z Cavaricci.

The first 20 miles were neutral rollout. It was great to be in Southern California in April. Michigan weather in April can only be classified as “cloudy with 100% chance of bullshit.” In SoCal I was rolling at 6am in shorts and short sleeves. I had already won, everything else was gravy (dirty, dirty gravy).

The Neutral ended into the first section of single track. Chaos! The most friendly chaos ever. I think I squeezed into the top 300 into the single track. This wasn’t ideal. I bounced blindly through that section as dudes handled their shit, or not, through the sand pits. I heard rocks pinging, flats hissing and what has to be the most polite series of bike-on-bike incidents in racing history. This was my first taste of BWR shared struggle; the effect of which I had witnessed on the start line that morning.

In those first single track sections, when everyone is still fresh and all together, I started to see the balance of competition and camaraderie that makes the BWR special (and work, because really this shouldn’t work right?). I also learned that I need to learn how to use Di2. Half way through a section called St. Lusardi the rear derailleur came unplugged reducing me to 2 speeds. This was okay until steep-ass-dirt-hill-with-everyone-watching. Feeling inadequate in front of strangers? Middle school again.

I saw a cable. I saw a hole. I stuck the cable in the hole. Bike fixed! Phew. Then there was much chasing. I found some little groups and made it to the first big climb, and by this time I was smiling pretty big. The pressure was off. The sun was out. I wasn’t riding alone and crying in the middle of nowhere. I had found SuperDave who, after a mechanical, had TT’d it back up to this group only to catch them at the bottom of a Category 2 climb (haha!). I was able to pick my way through the groups up the climb, and then I saw it! That beautiful hair! It was Pretty-D! He seemed pretty strong. I must be getting back up into some folks that will roll.

On the flats to Ramona the group swelled into the 30s. I thought we’d start moving now. This didn’t happen. The time-honored cycling strategy of “the Espoirs are dumb enough to pull all day” was enacted and the group was content trick the baby-faces into taking the wind. As a rookie, I felt like I should pay my dues, so I was the only one on the front who would get that Tal Bachman joke.

We ended up on a nice dirt road climb up to a dam in the middle of nowhere. This dude “Neil” joined the group and seemed to know everything. He filled me in on the upcoming turns, obstacles, and live music offerings. “It climbs until you hear the Polka.” cool whatever “Neil” if that’s your real name, Polka, what do you know. One thing is for sure, I descend irresponsibly on dirt, so I got “dropped off the front” by the group before the next little climb to the dam. Pretty-D said, “Let that reckless idiot go, he’s gonna get us all killed and he smells like pistachios.”

Alone in the desert I heard the Polka. Oompa Oompa Oompa Oompa. Perhaps this “Neil” knows what he’s talking about. Climbing on pavement now, I was picking up some folks who had been dropped off of the groups in front of us. I thought if I could just get them to work with me for a bit we could catch. Nope. The decision to leave my group on the dam-climb lead to riding two dam-hours by myself. In a section called Sandy Bandy I un-learned everything I had learned about Di2 and slammed into a chainlink fence (Don’t worry Dave, I took all the impact with my face, the bike is fine).

At some point I crawled under a gate, and started to climb. I was lonely. I needed company. I craved making strangers feel uncomfortable with my awkward personality. I looked over my shoulder and Saw “Neil” and Pretty-D crawling under the gate! Together again!

For the next four hours the three of us would ride together. They would drop me a few times, but I’d crawl back like a puppy, or that kid in middle school that you let sit at your table once and all of a sudden he thinks he can just plop his chocolate milk wherever he wants. “Hey guys! Hey Friends! I’m Back! Aren’t you so glad! Let’s talk some more!” For the remainder of BWR this “Neil” and Pretty-D were models of tolerance, letting me take pulls whenever I wanted, and never intentionally dropping me because I made them feel uncomfortable. At one point a photographer yelled at us before a steep dirt climb “Neil Shirley Climbs This!” which I took as him notifying us that Neil Shirley, man, father, legend, had been through here hours ago and climbed the shit out of this hill - so we should too! (I’m not terribly smart/observant).

At this point in BWR we’ve ridden over 110 miles and we still have 36 left, it simultaneously feels like you’re almost done and like WHAT THE FUCK. Those last 30ish miles took forever. There were still three or four dirt sections and the biggest climb of the day. “Neil” was guiding our little threesome (not the good kind) through all of the turns, and hipping us to what sort of ridiculousness to expect up the road. This was handy.

On the top of one particularly hot & dusty climb, which I will now call There Will Be Butts-enberg, some models in a kiddie pool gave me a Coors Light. Pretty-D & “Neil” were not interested in sharing it with me despite my expert knowledge of cycling nutrition and Mike Judge films (It’s what your body craves!). From that point on I alternated between making poor-life-decisions on the dirt descents to hoping they didn’t drop me on the climbs. It was becoming clear that Pretty-D might be more than just haircuts & jackets. I was feeling pretty good, and just didn’t want to ride alone. At BWR even the last few miles could take you an hour. A lonely, hot, hour. Stay with your friends whose names you don’t know and who likely find you rather annoying.

After playing fast & loose with the California Motor Vehicle Code on the descent off of Double Peak I finished in just over 8hrs. Time to drink. I’m pretty sure this was the only part of the day that SuperDave actually thought I could complete. I realized that the same crowd from the morning felt completely different. Seven hours earlier I had tried to look hip & mysterious on the outside of a group of 1,000 BFFs. Now that I had crossed that line I was part of the crew. I was making plans for next year as fast as my BAC was rising. Instead of feeling like being the new-kid at school it felt like walking into a family reunion.

I went to find Pretty-D & “Neil” to thank them for the guidance and company which is when I found out they were, in fact, That Dave and That Neil. It’s a good thing I didn’t know that during the race as I would have either A: Immediately given up or B: made them even more uncomfortable (The latter I’m assuming this write-up will accomplish nicely). Later, they were both heard saying, “I am in the best shape of my life, and trying my absolute hardest the whole time.”

I keep referring to the Belgian Waffle Ride as a race. It’s clearly called a ride. It’s listed as a Gran Fondo. However, it has a winner, and a podium. It has exactly $0 for the winner, but current and former pros show up and go full gas. It’s 150ish miles, on road bikes on single track. The BWR flies in the face of just about every “rule” of putting on a cycling event. Everything about it shouldn’t work … but it does. It works so well.

That is the big takeaway for me. I left San Marcos inspired. For some it’s the accomplishment of finishing, but for me it was more existential. The BWR shouldn’t exist. It shouldn’t work. It shouldn’t be a thing… but it is. The Belgian Waffle Ride is hard proof that your weird, ridiculous, impossible idea might just work. I wasn’t as much inspired to new physical limits, as I was to push forward in all things. I was inspired to make those calls that were intimidating. I was inspired to start those projects that are on the “drawer-list-of-unfeasibility.” I was inspired to eat like three whole pizzas.

So thank you to SuperDave K, Michael Marckx, Pretty-D, “Neil,” Cervélo, Spy, Lost Abbey and of course, Belgium. I’ll be back next year, if you’ll have me.

Intelligenstia Cup: Hot Dog of Doom

Mon, 14 Sep 2015 10:54:43 -0400

The last time I was in a Pro crit was at the Green Mountain Stage Race in 2004. I was 24, 6kg lighter a lot stronger and pulled so fast that they subtracted 35 omnium points just to make absolutely sure I never tried anything like that ever, ever again.

So this year we packed up and went to ~~SuperWeek~~ er, Intelligentsia Cup to make absolutely sure everyone knows that I’ll never, ever know my place.

The folks at the Intelligentsia cup put on a great show. Lesson for burgeoning race promoters: put a damn banner over the road and make everyone race under it. It makes everyone feel super pro. Even when they’re barfing blood on lap 3 of a cat-5 crit - if they’re doing it under scaffolding , they’ll be back.

Frankie Andreu straddled the fine-line between best-race-announcer-ever and carnival-dunk-tank-heckler often insinuating that we didn’t come to race bicycles. Or that perhaps, indeed, we should just give up. I think there was even some stuff in there about our mothers. Frankie was not going to watch you let a break go, you lazy sack of shit (paraphrasing).

Team trips are as much about racing as packing into a rented van (Truck!) full of life lessons and farts. Our hosts Kevin & Kelly showed us the best place to get biscuits (while sweating) in Chicago and we broke their Keurig machine (while sweating).

A late start time on Sunday meant a late-night, post-race drive back to Michigan… which meant Huy’s Fast Food Fantasy stop. It was closed - presumably because happiness is illegal after midnight. Finally, we introduced Scott to the masterpiece that is “Yankin’ by Lady and huffed some chicken fries to complete the trip.

RECOMMEDNATION: DO THE RACE
ESPECIALLY: If you’re good at crits / suffering
EAT: Bang Bang Pie & Buiscuts
DRINK: Three Floyds
DRINK: Intelligenstia Coffee (duh)

We took a bus-load of Pivot bikes out on the Ann Arbor Local...

Thu, 30 Jul 2015 15:26:51 -0400

We took a bus-load of Pivot bikes out on the Ann Arbor Local Loop. I had a camera strapped to my ass. hashtag GoNovice

Lumberjack’d: always respect the race

Mon, 27 Jul 2015 13:48:55 -0400

In 2004 when I hung up the bike this dude Rick was putting on awesome CX races around Grand Rapids that were cheap to enter and beer to win. 10-years-later Rick Plite has figured out how to cram all of the stuff I love about racing (and none of the stuff I don’t) into a bunch of bike races.

Road Racing on dirt roads? With Beer? Yes. A 100-mile mountain bike race? At Big-M? With Beer? Absolutely. Sitting around near bikes while drinking beer? Probably more to the point.

Lumberjack was going to be easy. 100 miles? I do that in my sleep (literally, I’ve dozed off on a century… we drink a lot). I keep my fully rigid Pivot LES jacked up to 45psi because traction only slows you down - it’s physics - and why would I change anything for this piddly distance? I’m not a newb.

Oh but I am. I am so Newb. I rolled my eyes at the Camelbaks (so not pro), tossed a couple of bottles on the frame, a bar in my pocket and rolled out like I just fell off the turnip truck.

None of this was a great idea. Don’t do this. Don’t do any of this.

Someone got some video of how this plan turned out:

Always respect the race. This is a lesson I’ve learned the hard way before, but at 35 apparently I needed a refresher course, and definitely a fucking Camelbak.

The first & last time I’ve ever been on the front of a...

Mon, 20 Jul 2015 11:36:42 -0400

The first & last time I’ve ever been on the front of a Crit. #intelligentsiacup #cycling #earlybirdgetsthecurb

Ann Arbor to Grand Rapids wsg/Bong Mountain

Mon, 11 May 2015 10:09:53 -0400

Every now and again someone will toss around the idea of riding from Ann Arbor to Grand Rapids (130ish miles). It’s usually quashed for reasons of “how do we get home?” and “Why?” This time, Sean was having a Gentleman’s party that involved a Saturday of golf in Grand Rapids. I decided to combine two of my favorite things, cycling long distances and not-playing golf, and ride out to meet the rest of the dudes.

After much messing with the route, I settled on this one, as the first leg was familiar, and the second leg didn’t involve a lot of turns. I suggest a lunch stop in Mason for the Jersey Giant sub. They’re not what you’d call, good, but they are giant. I ate the entire thing, which was a Jersey-bad-idea.

Just about the time that bad boy finally decided to stay put, I came across a failed amusement park.

“I think we’re just too far from the expressway,” said owner Hank Warren, “and young people these days are all Smart Phone Super Mario Brothers.” Gizzard Land: fun for the whole Family.

Vermontville, MI is a picture-perfect mid-Michigan small town. A little Main st. with brick buildings along a river, but the action was at the Marathon station outside of town. That place was packed. They had liquor. Other than probably not asking Vermont first, Vermontville’s claim to fame is Ken Beardslee, National High School Strikeout Champion. This came as a huge relief; all these years I thought that I was the High School Strikeout Champion.

I arrived at the golf course in Grand Rapids in time to leave a sweat-stain on the clubhouse chair while the dudes finished the 19th inning of golf. Grand Rapids itself has come a long way in the last few years. While it’s still lacking in sincerity, I’ll give an A for Effort (they have Star Trek & Lost in Space playing on the TVs at the bar, but everyone is wondering where the Ewoks are). Finally, Bong Mountain is a real band.

[mecha] Beer Run

Tue, 14 Apr 2015 07:50:46 -0400

Last July Nick and I wanted some beer. Obviously since there’s no beer anywhere near Ann Arbor we had to ride our bikes to Marshall for some Dark Horse.

75 Miles –> Beer –> 75 miles. The route starts through the normal stomping grounds of HRD and the Waterloo Rec Area but once you’re through Jackson the roads turn to deserted ribbons of pavement through Parma & Albion where you might see a human. One. Maybe.

Rolling into Marshall, MI after 75 miles and realizing you’re only half done is reason enough to drink. Another good reason is that Dark Horse makes really, really good drink - and while I’m suspicious that “dark horse” doesn’t refer to bicycles, the leather-clad denizens of Dark Horse Brewing are friendly and impressed (confused) that you “rode from where?”

After a couple (I don’t ride 75 miles to have one beer) and about a million sandwiches we rolled back to Ann Arbor. At Mile 120 or so, rolling through the Jackson prison complex, I remember thinking, “I wonder if they have a spare bed?”

OH CRAP, that reminds me: Why the hell are you posting this a year later? We’re doing it again! Preferably with more people this time so I can sit in and do absolutely zero work all day. The date isn’t set, but it’s gonna be a big date. Reach out for instructions. If you want to try it alone, or simply cant stand our crew (understandable) - approximate route here.

9 Days500 Miles62,000ft vertical20 Nutfluffs®

Mon, 30 Mar 2015 09:48:50 -0400

9 Days

500 Miles

62,000ft vertical

20 Nutfluffs®